#and i love the morning shift tbh so major loss for me

[gutslive]

next semester will be morning classes and afternoon shifts which goes against everything i desire

[iwatchedyougoinghomeeveryday]

Gonna make good use of Tumblr and write a post about my trauma!!!

tw: death, depression

It’s 3:00 am and I’m just gonna dive in... there’s no denying that everyone has had a difficult year and in a way that makes me feel better and worse?  Even though I wish I could take away everyone’s pain... better because I know people can relate.  Worse because I feel guilty when I go on and on in my head about the unfairness of it all when I know others are dealing with things far more overwhelming and traumatic.  Still... these past two years have made me feel numb in a way I could not have predicted.

I never, ever wanted time to move forward.  As a child I questioned why everyone wanted to grow up and resisted the changes in my life.  I felt wiser and also lonelier with the perspective that time passing meant taking steps closer to an inevitable end.  I never thought about myself - I was fortunate enough to not have to question my own mortality - but I worried endlessly about my loved ones.  I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - everyone around me was well and I had never experienced major loss before.  Things had to end.  So while everyone was actually healthy and present, I was spending time panicking about the future.  Worrying that it would be the last time I saw somebody or picturing the day when I got that big, bad news.  Sometimes it was too painful to even imagine - I simply couldn’t picture it - but I’d torment myself with the thought anyway.

All of this to say... I’ve been so nihilistic.  That might be dramatic, but it’s how I’ve felt, especially since I entered this depression episode seven years ago.  I don’t think it was a coincidence that my depression got bad my junior year in high school when everyone was excitedly planning for the future.  I didn’t care about school or jobs or anything superficial - I just cared about my family being alive.  And couldn’t everyone see how pointless the other stuff was?  It was a distraction, or worse, an endless routine with a predictable end.  I hated it.

I haven’t done any of that stuff - there’s nothing I want from the future.  I think if I had a dream or passion, I would accept it as a distraction, a goal to alleviate some of that darkness.  But I genuinely don’t want anything.  And that’s a whole other story, but it’s where I’ve been stuck these past five years - telling myself that if my family was secure and my mental health was better, then the rest would fall into place.  That never happened - the other shoe dropped.

Here was my family: my mother, my sister, my grandmother and grandfather, my aunt, my four cats.  Those were my people - my tiny circle of people that I held closely.  A few months out of school... I found out one of my cats had cancer.  I got him when I was seven.  (I pretty much got all my cats when I was seven/eight.)  He was my best friend and, after eight months, I lost him.  And that broke me a bit.  I drove myself crazy that year (2016) with worry and my OCD - that was my worst year with anxiety.  I spent so much energy caring for him then suddenly... nothing.  I feel like I can’t properly express how much my cats meant to me.  They were all my best friends, really.  They were always there and I understood them so deeply and I felt so responsible for them - it was unwavering.  When I was ten, and dealing with my aforementioned fear of death, I remember thinking that they were “it” for me - they would be gone one day but I vowed they were the only pets I was ever going to have.  It was the only thing that was right and fair.

Flashforward a year and half from my cat dying... my aunt’s boyfriend died from a heart attack.  Sudden, no warning - just get the call that he’s gone.  And even though it wasn’t official, he was like an uncle to my sister and I.  He’d been in our lives for over ten years.  It was difficult to categorize or even comprehend this loss.  But I consider this the start of everything going to heck.  Something happened at the end of 2018 that I can’t even talk about because it’s too painful and sensitive, but it was one more major trauma.     

Early 2019... another one of my cats died from a random attack.  We let him onto our back porch for the morning - we have a fenced backyard and he just liked to sit on the porch - and there was a stray cat that had gotten inside and attacked him.  Just like that, two days later, he was gone.  Once again having to accept a sudden and senseless death.  Leading to August 2019, two days after my birthday, my grandfather fell from his porch steps, hit his head, and died.  Just like that.  Nobody got to even say goodbye or see him because my grandmother was visiting my mother, sister, and I for my birthday.  Only took us two hours to drive there and in that time he was gone.  Two hours to worry about my grandfather, who was in great health, then just accepting that he was dead.  This was the biggest, most awful thing to happen to my family.  I still haven’t coped with it.  

Didn’t even mention that in 2018 I found out that another one of my cats had kidney disease.  He was second closest to me when my other cat was alive, but in his absence, my bond with him was stronger than I had with any of my cats.  Stronger than I had with most people, tbh.  He was needy and around me 24/7 - he really only loved me.  And I couldn’t fathom losing him.  There were ups-and-downs, but he was doing good with his fluid treatments.  Then November 2019, because I was so intuitive with him, I got the feeling that he was getting sick and for real this time.  He was only eating just a little bit less than usual, but I knew.  Just a look in his eye... I knew.  And this really sent me on the deep end.  November 2019 my depression deepened when I realized that a year from that date, I might not have my two cats, or my grandmother, or who knows who else.  This was not some faraway fear - this was real.  I was actually living in the time that I feared.  I was there.  So badly I wished 2020 didn’t have to exist.  (God, if I only knew what was to come.)

I was a basket case November and December as I watched my cat slowly get worse.  On top of this, my mom was feeling ill and she went to the doctor several times with no explanation for her pain.  That sickened me - I had pictured losing so many people, but I couldn’t picture losing my mom.  It was too big, too life-shattering.  She was superwoman, invincible.  And now I had to consider that, too.  She thankfully started feeling better, but my cat got worse.  I was lucky if I got any sleep or ate anything during last January.  At the end of the month he passed away and, out of everything I have experienced, that destroyed me the most.  He was like my child - I was supposed to protect him.  And instead I watched him suffer.  I’ve now lost people close to me and I know it sounds bad, but losing my cat was the worst.

But guess what - trauma is not over!  Exactly one month from my cat dying... I witnessed a fatal car accident.  Directly in front of me.  Never even seen an accident before - not even a fender bender - and this one was fatal.  It was unnerving because the actual collision didn’t seem that bad, but suddenly there was an unconscious old woman laying in the road.  I didn’t see it happen - thank God - but I’m assuming she was ejected from her car because she was not wearing a seatbelt.  I called 911 - first time doing that, too - and watched as she lay there and all I could think was that I was on the opposite side of what happened with my grandfather, six months ago.  He had a fatal head injury and we got the call and got to the hospital to get the news that he died.  Some family was going to have that same experience.  That messed me up.  In so many ways.  I don’t have my license because I am scared of driving - now I’m scared to ride in cars.  I had nightmares for months.  This accident never made the news, which actually made me angry because it felt like something that happened and was immediately forgotten about.  I obsessively wondered about the family and victim.  The accident happened at the entrance to the library - my one safe place.  I volunteered there every week before covid.  I only got the chance to go two times before everything shut down in March, but I had to drive by the place where it happened and when I was in the library I tensed and panicked every time I heard an ambulance.  It was awful.

July 2020 - I lost the last of my kitties.  Fifteen years of taking care of them, loving them... I really didn’t know how to exist without them.  We didn’t have any closure on this cat’s death, either.  Never knew exactly what was wrong.  But I was so numb at this point - my whole view shifted.  I just didn’t want anyone to suffer anymore.  So losing her was numbing - she was gone, but she didn’t suffer like my last kitty.  Numb numb numb numb numb.

Then Thanksgiving... this news would’ve absolutely destroyed me a few years ago.  Right now I can’t comprehend it.  I’ve been expecting the worst anyway.  We found out my grandmother has cancer and is already in the final stages.  That damn theme again... no warning.  She went into the hospital for another reason, leaves learning that she has three cancerous areas.  And I see her at Thanksgiving and all hope is gone... I see the effect on her.  Because I’m robotically dealing with grief now, I tell myself that I don’t expect her to live to 2021.  I saw her end of October - she seemed fine.  If she can go from fine to awful in three weeks, then I expect the same for her passing.  And it is so selfish, but I do not want to see it.  I do not want her to get any worse.  She had a biopsy and she gets results tomorrow.  I already know it will be the worst case scenario.  Everyone, especially now, says to appreciate the small things, make the moments matter because you don’t know how many you have left.  BS.  I just want it to be over.  I don’t want the in-between - there’s nothing to appreciate.  Losing my grandmother... that’s unfathomable.  I love everyone in my family, but it’s always been me, my mom, my sister, and my grandmother who has been the closest.  My family couldn’t function without my grandfather.  I don’t know how we go on without my grandmother.  It doesn’t matter what news she gets from the doctor tomorrow.  One month is the timeframe I am giving myself.  It is cold and calculating to think, but that’s what I expect.  And I’m so used to people dying suddenly... there’s nothing romantic about last moments and words.  I don’t want them.  Maybe I’d regret that in the future, but right now, it’s how I cope.

This is not even mentioning that my mother has always had SO much stress and trauma in her own life and this past year I have noticed it take a huge toll on her.  I’m worried about her health - physically and mentally.  She’s seemed different this year - I can’t blame her, but I don’t know what to do.  And my sister’s mental health is always so fragile, and her relationship with my mother is awful - I feel like I’ve lost them, too.  It’s not hopeless, but I’ve been trying to fix things and they don’t improve.  And I know my grandmother’s passing will affect them most of all - she’s my mother’s mother, after all, and my sister has always loved my grandmother the most.  She has unconditional love for her, a love I wish she extended to us but I was always glad she had that relationship with my grandmother.  We’re going to be completely broken.

So now I’m submerged in that future - I’ve lost all four of my cats, my grandfather, my grandmother soon.  My mom and sister are all I’ve got, and that would be reassurance if I wasn’t so worried about them, too.  If sixteen-year-old me couldn’t see a favorable future... you can imagine how helpless I feel now.

[datingadviceonreddit]

This is gonna be a long story and may not be as full of thrill as you might expect, but I would really appriciate any advice or insight I could get, so bear with me, if you can.Tldr: Manipulative ex gf thanked me for getting her through school and family isssues for 8 years by screwing her coworker and letting me find the used panties.Since there´s a lot of talk about abuse in relationships I´ve come to think about my last relationship and whether my (27m) ex-gf (25f) emotionally abused me. This is in no form a talk of physical abuse, but coming out of the bubble I was in, when I was still with her, I think that some things she did to me would be considered insane, if a guy did that to his girl.For background: I met my ex-gf when I was 18. She was 16 and seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. She was exactly my type, sweet, caring and came from a shitty family background, which I absolutely do not. Not only did I fell madly in love with her, I also wanted to help her overcome all the losses and insecurities she had dealt with. Her father was a women hating alcoholic pos that died when she was 13 and most likely killed himself. He had told her literally since the day she was born that she was trash, because she was a girl. When the nurse said he had become father to a wonderful daughter he replied with "well the dumb ones loose their cock". So that´s the kind of guy that had indoctrinated her to think she was worthless and would end up like her mother. Her mum was kind, but also one of the dumbest and most ignorant people I have ever met. During the 8 years of our relationship I have met so many new "step dads" for my ex, that I´m pretty sure I must have forgotten some.For the first two years our relationship was seemingly fine. I showed her that she could become anything she wanted, helped her with school, with bullies, her idiotic mother, her ignorant brother and so much stuff, my life basically consisted of nothing more than making sure she was alright. She had depression, an eating disorder and on top of that she had a habit of taking care of any animal she could get her hands on. When we first met, she had three cats, two bunnies and a horse. When we split it was still three cats, a dog, the horse and a pony. Financing almost everything about them alone and taking care of them 24/7 while doing school or working. This has made up a huge part of our live and tbh - I miss this so much it breaks my heart.I admired her for caring for all of them and over the years I got so involved I took care of the animals like they were my own. I have spent nights and days at our barn making sure the horses were fine and raised our dog for 7 years with her. Loosing the dog was the worst part for me honestly.Anyways during the first two years she kinda looked up to me I guess. I helped her through school, getting a job and eventually to become a nurse. I accompanied her to exams, even pretty much wrote a major paper for her (I know) and what not.I cant really tell at what point the dynamic shifted but I guess it was somewhere around our third year together. She always had a temper and when she got mad, it was like all she could see was red and the things she sometimes said to me were so humiliating and mean that today I would walk out the second the first thing came out of anyones mouth.It got worse and worse and to give you a bigger picture I will list some things out of the last two years:- She twisted anything I said all the time. Sometimes she raged all of a sudden over a thing I had allegedly said the day before. She made up entire conversations that had never happened and when I called out this bs she came up with things like "so youre calling me a liar" and the fight continued from there on- she constantly accused me of cheating even though I was carrying her on my hands like a princess, caring for her and her pets 24/7 and if I got mad, she got even more mad, insisting that I had no right to get mad over the accusation, because that would be a sign they were true. I had caught her texting at least two guys she lied to me about in a semi explicit way, but of course when I caught her it was my fault.- She called me names, yelled at me, told me to fuck off and when I left she said if I would leave we´d be done.It was like that at least once every two weeks, probably more often.Im sorry if this is a little confusing to follow. It is hard to grasp being humiliated and manipulated over a course of years and put it into sentences.Still, here is something that really stuck with me.I was going on walks with her horses and her at least four times a week. It was hard work, and she constantly told me how bad I was at handling the horses and what not, even though pressuring me and punishing me if I did not come along, because she had more work to do then. When we went on walks we would bring large garbage bags and gloves to pick up the horse sht. We were walking through neighborhoods and streets and didnt want to leave it jus there. That one day she told me to get the bags so we could go. I went into your shed, grabbed them from the usual chair they were on and put them into my pocket. These are regualy folded trash bags from a role like you probably use every other day. So at some point the horse does its duty and I hand my ex-gf the bag, she unfolds it and sees it has a giant hole at the bottom which was not visible before. It was a fabrication mistake which you could only see once you really wanted to use it. She then screamed at me on a street in full daylight with people around how dumb I was to not see this before, if I could do anything right and tbh, it was the ususal talk for me. I told her there was no way of knowing for me and that I had just taken them from the usual place. She then told me that she had already known that apparently the whole role had been like this but she did not throw them away. So she knew I would grab these and it would play out like this or just didnt think about it herself. She literally screamed at me and still insisted I was too stupid to do basic tasks and here comes the part that was really bad for me.Apparently she had also forgotten to bring the gloves we use to pick the shit up and since it was my fault the bag was broken I would have to pick the shit up with my bare hands. I really dont find horse shit gross compared to dog or whatever shit but it still is what it is and it was a lot. There was screaming at me not to be a little bitch and pick up the shit and find a way the bag will hold it. The worst thing for me about this that I was actually on my knees, over the pile and I was so close to pick it up, it makes me sick thinking about it. Eventually I told her Im not doing it, she just walked away silently and told me once we´re back at the barn I could leave.Now you wonder, why I didnt leave. Its simple. I loved her more than anything. She had a habit to apologize so sincerely a day after her usual tantrums, I just believed her. She would come a day later and tell me that she would just get consumed by rage and couldnt help but talking like while at the same time not meaning anything of it sincerely. Shed tell me shed love me, be nothing without me, love the way I treat her and her animals and that I should believe her that nothing of what she says in rage mode is what she actually feels. I always believed that. For 8 damn years I believed this shit.The last year was one of the best and still the worst. We moved in together after she had finished becoming a nurse and me almost finishing law school. We had fixed her relationship with her mother, her brother, got her her dream job and I dont want to be an asshole but I had guided her through all of it. Her family was a full on nightmare when it came to communication and I had always felt like the only sane person at the table being with them. The reason this is important is, I always excused her irrational behaviour with the trouble and stress that was always constant in her life. Her horse had also been sick for years and for the first time we could sleep without fearing it would be dead on the grass the next morning.So the foundation was good. At least thats what I thought. I remember two weeks before the relationship ended, she asked me whether I was still planning to marry her. I looked at her as honestly as I could and said yes and I meant it with all my heart. You shouldve seen the look on her face. She was the happiest girl in the world and I was sure this would be a turning point.Then she had a christmas party from work. I drove her there so she could drink. Told her to enjoy herself, she had deserved it after all the stress and I would pick her up till 3 in the morning because Id have to feed the horses at 7 and needed at least a bit of sleep.She did not react to my messages once and came home at around 5:30. Told me she had danced a lot with a coworker that had hit on her prior and I was pissed, but trusted her and did not want to ruin her one night out right after it ended. That was on a friday. The next morning, saturday, everything was fine. I had taken out the horses and we went on a 3 hour walk with them in the afternoon and I had to study after that for the rest of the day. She was sweet to me but kinda hung on her phone a lot and always made sure to take it with her everytime she left the room, which was kind of suspicious to me but I thought Id just be paranoid.So far everything still was fine. On sunday it all changed. She got up in the morning and was pissed right away. We had plans for the day and she canceled them because of light rain which usually never bothered us. She acted pissed until early afternoon and suddenly told me shed go see the horses. I wanted to join her but she wanted to go alone and walk there. That was a thirty minute walk in rain and by the time shed have walked back once she was done there it wouldve been dark outside and people got robbed a lot where we had to walk. I let her go and once it was time to feed the horses I got in my car to suprise her, so she wouldnt have to walk home in the dark. When I arrived all hell broke loose. Suddenly she told me that ever sinced I moved in with her she had no real home anymore. That I was just a dog to her, not a real man and that I was taking the air she breathed from her. She said shed go to bed early cause thats the only time she could spent without me. Just to note this here, she had yelled at me numerous times because I couldnt go to bed with her because I had to study.The idiot I was I still offered her to ride her home and then go to my brothers place so she could get some peace and we had a chance to talk at night or in the morning. Well she did not have any of that and told me to fuck off. I drove to my brother, she walked home and we only talked the next morning when she broke up with me and kicked me out.Two days later she called me to tell me something. Of course we couldnt meet at a neutral place, I had to come to her and we talked were our (her) horses stood with my australian shepherd I had raised for 7 years and never saw again after that day. She told me she had fucked her coworker. I dont know what happened at the christmas party but I guess they did not fuck there, but made out or something. Then the day after she kicked me out she went over while his gf was at work so they could screw. Not 24hours later after she had broken up with me, who had taken care of her for so long. She did not tell me this to rub it into my face. She wanted to come clean I guess. But the worst thing about this was what she told me after that confession. She said she knows how bad she treated me over all these years, the things she said to me, the manipulation and all of that and that she had come to the realization, everything she ever told me while she was raging and then took back was what she truly thought of me. That I was no man for her, just a dog following her orders. She had no reason at all to tell me this, I dont know why she did it, but even tough this was 1,5years ago I still think about this every day.I left and wanted to hug my dog one last time. That little thing was so shaken, she wouldnt leave my ex-gfs side, leaving my last interaction with her, her backing away from me and completely refusing to let me touch her. Thinking of this makes me die a little inside. The next day I went over to our flat to get my stuff. I had to go through the laundry basket to get the last of my unwashed clothes out of there and right on top was the thong completely covered in jizz she wore when he fucked her. The nicest present she could have made me to get the hell out of there. Did I mention that the day after she fucked him she actually called me, panicking and asking me whether Id remember the last times she had taken her pill. I had no idea of the other guy at that point and assured her the last time we had sex was a while ago so it woulnt matter.Guess she panicked after he nutted raw in her.The funny thing about this is that this and her cheating was one of the things that kept me from suicide. It was a really close call in all honesty, but even though I was in such a bad shape that I lost 60 pounds in 8 weeks because I could not eat or sleep the last bit of pride kept me alive. I did not want to go out because of some bitch that rather fucked some other cheater than keeping the one that loved her more than himself.Hats off if you made it this far. I will end this on a positive note. Im taken again. Shes wonderful. I have grown as a person so much, I think Im nowhere near the same guy and never will be again. The day my ex saw me updating my relationship status on facebook, she stalked my gf and since you could see the bar shes a waitress at, she was there the very next day checking her out. Accompanied by her coworker of course, who is still with his gf that he cheated on.My ex messaged me lately because covid, wishing me and my family the best after I had not heard from her in about a year. I replied with "thanks, you too." I want to be a good person. Im glad I made it out of this abusive (?) relationship. Will put a tldr at the top and fix typos later.God I miss my dog. via /r/dating_advice