#and i know it isn't a sick thing bc my body goes back to normal usually within 10-20 mins. like it's just one very intense and...

[fantabulisticity]

When you're trying to find a Christmas gift for your mom but you're on an antibiotic and your body decides in the middle of the store that you need to go find a bathroom because you're going to have abysmal diarrhea, and you can feel the pre-diarrhea chills as you're walking toward the door to leave 🥰

[goldxnfemme]

is it normal to feel like you might not actually be femme bc of your physical appearance? every femme i've ever seen just had this natural beauty and glow, and i just don't have that, i'm ugly. i feel really drawn to the identity in every other way, but i feel like a monster next to other femmes. like.. if i look so different and feel like that there has to be a reason, maybe because im something else. and yeah technically i know femme doesn't have a specific body type or look, but i don't think ugly femmes exist.

I feel like in their own way almost every femme has felt like that, unfortunately, anon, like they don't belong or really inadequate around other femmes, most femmes I've known and talked to, at the very least. I have been feeling really inadequate and unwelcome and just weird in the community lately because of some things I went through recently and I'm still not too sure how to get back from that.

It does make me feel sad that so many of us feel like that and I think it's a two part problem. The first part speaks about our own insecurities, the ways we see ourselves and how we compare ourselves to others since they've been made the standards of the identity by others and sometimes by us too. The second part is the community praising and recognising almost only a very set pattern of traits that makes the rest of us feel like "if I'm not like that, then something must be wrong with me". That goes for the way you behave, to the way you describe yourself, to the things you like and dislike and it's a lot, it's tiring.

Sometimes people talk about this standard as if it needs to be protected like it's in danger of extinction, the very expected/standardized idea of femme (skinny, cis passing, hyperfeminine, pink and girly, always with makeup and hair done), it's silly. I mostly feel an immense sense of unfairness from all that. It inherently defeats the nature of femme, if it's made to be one size fits all.

I wish it weren't so, I wish the diversity of femmes in so much more than beauty (and in beauty too, since it's what you mentioned here) and more ways of doing femme, existing as femme were more widely recognised in the community, but we still have a long way to go to achieve that, I think.

What I want to tell you is: I'm sorry you're feeling like that, especially around other femmes. That's not how we're supposed to make each other feel, intentionally or not.

this idealised femme very much doesn't exist, what gets posted on the internet isn't what we look like a lot of the time*: it's not us feeling sick or tired or having a difficult day with disabilities, it's not us just finishing work after a long week, it's not us handling things with our partners, running around having to organize things at home, general responsibilities and not be late for work, it doesn't show us when we're sad and we're feeling less than strong and brave. This idealised notion of femme sometimes takes away from our humanity playing weaknesses and flaws, real or perceived, as not femme. And femme importantly isn't about beauty as you know, but it is about those things that don't get shown a lot too.

The way you're feeling is common, a lot of the time I'm right there with you, I wish it weren't common though. And for what it's worth, it might be a lot of you doubting yourself, though I'm sure it's not the entire issue. All kinds of femmes exist, so many of us, an amazing variety.

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but ugliness and beauty are subjective, but also exacerbated by silly standards. Be careful with those. Also thank you for trusting me with this and giving me a space to speak about my own feelings, anon, even without knowing.

*mind you, almost every time I post a picture I have makeup on or it's a time I feel really good about myself and it doesn't happen for the majority of the time.

[skullfacedog]

I accidentally stumbled upon a text document of my old journal thread from a therian forum from when I was a teen and now I'm going thru it bc I'm really curious of the signs I had headmates or repressed memories back then

-so far, I've described myself as "being able to switch personalities easily" and wondering if I was half demon or had a demon headmate all along that I didn't know about because I had multiple sides of me that felt very contradictory. I am hellhoundkin but I feel like a lot of the demonic feels I had as a teen have worn off a lot, especially since my mental health has gotten better.

it's crazy reading these old posts bc I'm like a totally different person now lmao. I rlly said "I have violent urges and it's hard to hold back from hurting ppl just to hear them scream" YOU COULDN'T EVEN HURT A FLY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUTTTT

-another thing that's kinda weird is that I was really obsessed with outer space at some point and mentioned that in my journal and mentioned questioning being stardragonkin but now it's like ?? I mean space is cool but it's nowhere near one of my main interests. I'm more of a fantasy person than a scifi person. naturey shit is wayyyy cooler than stars sorry.

-post about feeling sick for no reason like not having a cold or anything and being unable to eat but I thought it was species dysphoria??

-post complaining that I "don't feel like myself lately". depression or headmate??

-previously talked about feeling hellhound shifts that feel different from normal and kind of having a weird change in mindset. then in this post I mention I have a hellhound headmate named xarashi. that's them!!! that's the hellhound I "shifted" into!! also happy bc I fully forgot their name and it's been killing me that I didn't remember their name and just referred to them as "the hellhound headmate I had as a teenager". I wonder if they're still around but I feel like if I ask I would get an answer just bc I asked, does that make sense?? like I'm afraid my brain is making shit up but also, they were 100% a headmate at one point so it's not crazy to think they could still be there somewhere.

-also mentioned eshari who was a little demon girl headmate I had for a short time who was weirdly malicious. I distinctly remember like having a fight or something triggering me really badly with my internet friend and I just started feeling entirely emotionless and dissociatey and responded to my friend in ways I would not normally. and later I realized that was a headmate and tried talking to her. I genuinely thought she was an evil demon or something but I'm pretty sure she was a persecutor?? girl I'm so sorry I was so fucking dumb. anyway the lore goes that xarashi chased off eshari and kind of replaced her.

-not related to the general post idea here ig I'm just giving a live reaction at this point but I got to the point where I posted about meeting my ex abuser irl when we were dating and I said "I've never been that nervous in my life" "he kept hugging and petting me, it made me a bit uncomfortable bc I'm not used to him, but I liked it!" BITCH YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF BECAUSE HE LOVEBOMBED YOU AND YOU SO DESPERATELY WANT TO BE LOVED AND FEEL USEFUL YOU WILL CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU'RE OKAY WITH UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS!!! STOP!!!!!!

literally the next post I made was the announcement of our breakup LMAO

also I still wonder if he reminded me of my CSA abuser bc I was literally IMMEDIATELY wildly uncomfortable when I saw him for the first time irl and I've always kinda been uncomfortable around men with his body type, like kinda big and masculine and with facial hair. I could not date someone who looks like that and I swear it has nothing to do with attractiveness like I'm demiro I do not give a fuck if someone isn't the standard of attraction but I can't date someone too big and masculine bc they scare me?? I'm so thankful my partner is the same height as me and skinny and always shaves. I mean he's cute with facial hair at least, not like overly masculine.

-mentioned always having been closed off to my parents, not telling them that I wished I was a dog (in an otherkin way before I found the community online) or that I "didn't want to go to heaven". why was I such a weird ass kid lmao I remember I wanted to go to hell purely so that I could fight the devil myself and bc "heaven seems boring" ?? why did 7 year old me have like a self sacrifice complex or smth idk like I was OBSESSED with the idea of me going thru pain for other ppl even as a very young child. I have nooo clue if that could be SA related but it is certainly Odd

-mentioned being able to do a really good impression of karkat from homestuck (according to my friends) and wanting to cosplay him. I sorta wondered at the time if I had a karkat headmate bc I could like Become him really easily it was weird. and he has like the complete opposite personality of me.

-mentioned dissociation like. many times throughout the entire journal

that's all but I may do similar posts with some other stuff I can find online from my past bc I need to psychoanalyze myself and search for every little sign that something was Wrong that I didn't notice at the time. the internet being forever is a good thing for me rn because I threw out every single physical journal I had which makes me so sad bc I would've lovedddd to read my old cringey journals, not just to search for trauma signs but also for entertainment purposes </3

[imjustli]

For the upcoming energy crisis in Europe, unusually cold winters, and travells to a cold and dark place, here's some tips for dealing with cold/dark winters:

(Disclaimer: I live in Sweden, which isn't super cold bc of the Gulf Stream and climate change, but it's pretty normal that temperatures go down to -15 or -20°C every year (yes I'm something of a southerner), which is a lot colder than in a lot of places)

1. Layers.

1.a) Layer your clothes. The clothes themselves aren't what keeps you warm, it's the air in between that does. Your body heats up the air in between the layers, and that air then warms you. (Basically, I might have gotten a few things wrong here)

1.b) Same goes for blankets. (If you use a weighted blanket, maybe don't, the layers will likely be heavy anyways, so it will have a similar effect.) Add another blanket if you have one, i use a thick-ish bedspread, your extra bed sheets or a coat would also work. Heck, if you really need to you can use a tablecloth.

2. Water is cold. Just like it's easily gets warm in warm weather, it easily gets cold in cold weather. Especially if it's below zero.

2.a) Don't sweat. You don't want to freeze, but absolutely don't get so warm you start sweating. It's better to be a little bit cold than a little bit warm, because if you're a little bit warm you'll be very cold soon. If you're exercising in the cold, make sure to have something you can change to before going home (if you're not by your house), and take a shower as quickly as possible when you get inside. Use wool or polyester with the same effect, to not have the sweat close to the body (especially when exercising, but also just in general).

2.b) Which moves us to the next thing: showers. Just make sure you get properly dry before putting on clothes. And if you go outside in less than zero degrees with wet hair, it might freeze.

2.c) I've seen a lot of people blow in their gloves or on their hands when they are cold, don't. Your breath has a bunch of water particles, and this means they will get a lot colder than they where before. Instead put them in your armpits. Preferably under your jacket. They won't smell or become wet because you shouldn't be sweaty, and you will only put them under the second layer, just in case.

3. How your body responds. Idk what to title this.

3.a) Your immune system is worse when you're cold. I don't know the exact science, but I think it was something about the body putting more energy into keeping your body temperature, and therefore having less to fight viruses and stuff. That's why the flu and the cold and stuff is such a February thing here. There is even slang used among parents with young children for the month that stems from how much they need to stay at home and take care of their sick kids this month.

3.b) On a similar note: every medical condition you have is gonna be worse. Asthma? Worse. Injury? Worse. Chronic illness? Worse. Not very flexible? Now you'll be less. I don't know if things actually heals slower or if it has any actual effect on us medically, so science tumblr are welcome to fill me in on that.

3.c) Your hands get drier. That might go back to being sick easier, and therfor you just kinda learn to wash your hands more in flu season. It was actually all right during the pandemic though, I think. That was definitely because people actually stayed home when sick, though.

4. General living space stuff. I lived in a badly heated house before, and had the coldest room, so here's just things I did to keep it warm, among other things i didn't do but probably works.

4.a) Cover the windows. I had a theory that the let most the heat out, and when I covered them I felt a difference. I don't know what is the best way, but I used the built-in (dark) ugly blinders, as well as my (white) good-looking curtains combined with my opened wardrobe door, in order to cover the whole window.

4.b) Turning on the light (even LED, but that might have been placebo) felt like it made a difference. And a PC or other technological thing that gets hot works. This is probably gonna show on your electricity bill, though.

4.c) If you cooked using the oven, leave it open afterwards (when you've turned it off). This will heat at least you kitchen. Don't close the oven until it's room temperature. This is also why I would suggest cooking mostly oven-meals, so you can do this a lot. (But remember that the door can still be hot even if it's been opened.)

4.d) Heaters that only require an electrical outlet, and can be moved around per your wish. I don't think this needs an explanation. Just be aware that if you're in a place that usually isn't cold, they might run out pretty quickly.

4.e) The things with windows probably works on walls to, if you live somewhere the walls are badly isolated.

5. Car stuff. You might be surprised by a lot of snow and icy roads, or your car could malfunction with help having a hard time getting to you.

5.a) No matter where you're going and what you plan to do there, always have warm clothes with you. You can leave them in the car while you're doing the thing, but always have them in case of emergency on the road.

5.b) Always keep a shovel in your car, whether it is for digging yourself out of a snow storm, making a temporary camp, or there just being a lot of snow on a small road you hadn't anticipated, you want to have it there. You probably won't have to use it if you're where I live, but it doesn't hurt adding it to your normal tool box (bc you should have one in the car in general).

5.c) First-aid-kit and tools. This is just a good thing in general, but I especially suggest adding an emergency blanket/space blanket and wool socks.

5.d) Winter tires. Idk how to translate it. If you google it, it probably shows up. Basically tires that are designed specifically for icy roads.

6. General clothes stuff. Beyond layers, there are other things that helps.

6.a) Wear wool and polyester with the same function. Cotton is bad. Cotton sucks up water (including sweat), and makes you cold. Wool and polyester (specifically the type of breathable technology used in sportswear and polyester-based thermal underwear. Most polyester will not do the trick) doesn't. Anything breathable (cotton is very much not) works. I'm not sure I can stress this enough. If you are wearing clothes of the right temperature, cotton is fine though. I think linen may be better, because I have a vague memory of someone saying it's pretty breathable, but if someone else can confirm that's great.

6.b) Sleep in socks. I don't think this really needs an explanation, but it's seriously what has made the biggest difference for me. Not adding more other clothes or blankets, but adding socks.

6.c) If the gloves have fingers, they are probably cold. Idk why but keeping your fingers together is much warmer than just warming them on their own. If you only have gloves with fingers, a good way to keep them warm is to close your fist inside of it (and keep the fingers empty). Idk if that made any sense, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.

7. Mental health. Your mental health will probably be more fragile, and you will definitely be more tired. These probably have to do with each other. (This is specifically for people that move to a country with much darkness in the winter.)

7.a) I think it was partially about the lack of vitamin D that comes with less sunlight (?). So if you don't eat meat (especially if you're vegan), try the pills with it. Vitamin D deficiency is a genuine problem here, so make sure you get everything you need.

7.b) You know how you weren't allowed to study with the lights off in the classroom when you were a child? Yeah, your teachers were right. Darkness makes you more tired, and you will likely spend most of the daylight hours indoors (whether it's for work or school). Take a lunch walk if you have time, even though it's cold.

8. You think the sun is warm? Wrong. It doesn't have nearly the energy to warm you up. Instead, the more clouds the warmer your day will be. This is because the clouds trap the heat, kinda similar to global warming, except normal and on a much smaller scale. Go for the longest walks when it's cloudy (if you can), unless you enjoy freezing your ass off. Like you will still freeze your ass off, but a little bit less -- just so we're clear. (Also idk if this is because it's cold or if it's because of distance to sun, which also makes it cold. If this didn't make any sense: I wonder if this depends on temperature (like there's that on magic temperature where the sun is suddenly colder) or if it's a geographical thing (like it's a certain location where the north/south pole is so far the sun stops having an effect))

[pepperedstarz]

ZINNIA USES ALL PRONOUNS BUT NORMALLY SHE/HE TRUE GENDER !!!!! OKAY OKAY I'm getting tired so I'm gonna explain as best as I can!! Zin was a child of a professional ballet dancer and ?? I still don't know her dad's job bare with me. Zin hated school, dropped it, started a job performing at her mom's theater, okay dropped that because ballet was too dainty, let's go perform anywhere that hires us, Zin starts a circus.

I'm gonna gather your asks all in one nice big post so, it'll be easier for me to give you a good response and a more pleasant read through for anyone else interested too!

Context for anyone that needs it Zinnia is Circus AU's Henry!

"Circus travels through towns and shit whatever !!!! Important person, William. William and Zinnia meet at a bar where zin is like "hey lol, me and you are getting well together, wanna be my right hand man." William accepts and they work on the circus together. By this point it isn't small, it's well known and they have massive crowds"

"Zinnia performs a lot on aerial silks (HIGHLY RECOMMEND TO CHECK OUT SOME PEOPLE WHO PERFORM WITH SILKS ITS COOL) and so once after a show, zinnia is practicing a trick that's pretty dangerous. It's looping a silk around your neck and ankles, you do a split and pull your head bACK it's terrifying to watch!!! Zin fucks it up and DIES but her soul like floats and repossesses Zin"

"And so Zin gets down, trying to figure out why she died and then didn't. This is why her skin changed color BTW!!! But so she kinda like is just "hm I need t figure out how that works" BOOM soul research BOOM "will help me out with soul thing" BOOM science fair project on a human BOOM human is fucked up"

"Zinnia performs fucked experiments after she died, William is still alive after these, she can't figure out souls. A bit passes, William is like "can you try and get me to work the with the tech?" THE TECH HE'S TALKING ABT IS NAMED JACK AND EVERYONE CALLS HIM ORANGE BECAUSE OF HIS LIKE NEON orange hair lol!!! Zin is like "lol? Just talk to him? Why are you asking me?" AND WILL EXPLAIN HE LIKES JACK AND ZIN (WHOS REALLY AFRAID OF LOSING HER BEST FRIEND IS LIKE. HM. MURDERS AN OPTION) so like a smart person, she kills Jack's sibling (Dee), and his brother (Peter), and Doesn't get caught since she can just. Murder people bc she's cool (really they're under the floor of the circus but the body's decompose enough to where even if they were found, they couldn't be identified) ((also she has their souls in jars))

Jack is grieving because his family just went missing, William keeps his distance, and the circus is cleared from the police. Yipee. So, the circus travels again, in the all good, and Will CONFRONTS Zinnia when they're back in a small rented home kitchen because he's like 120% sure she did it and she's just like "wow that's rude, I'm cooking :) I'd never do that" it gets into a fight, Zinnia grabs the knife she had AND BOOM another death. Get the soul, figure out what to do with the body. She was so scared of getting found out when the adrenaline wore off and she saw will she just fucking lost it dude. Perks of being assistants with no family that care? No one went looking for Will! So that made it easier.

But still at this point Zin just pushes down the guilt and ignores everything after getting rid of evidence (she did take one thing of Dave's and that was a photo of them when they both first started) BUT YEA the circus goes successful even after the loss, Zin gets well known, has money, and then disappears off of the grid and continues to research souls (using her own #girlboyboss)"

I love this idea! A lot actually! There's so much detail in this, and it's really fun to see how you've fleshed out Zinnia herself. Her backstory is pretty interesting and fairly regular, which I appreciate, honestly. I like how the circus wasn't made out of spite or bloodlust but, was just his next movement along for his skill set, and then he turned into a sick bastard lol.

Performers on aerial silks! Holy shit, they are so majestic, but some of the moves they make are terrifying to look at. I've watched some stuff about these before but, looked into a couple more after your asks and yep! Both as gorgeous and terrifying as I remember x'3 I think the way Zinnia died is unique and makes a lot of sense! I like how also his death was the marker for her downfall into madness, like after that point her actions got worse and worse until she's just like the Henry we know and hate in the canon DSAF universe.

I think Jack being an obstacle for Zinnia is a pretty interesting take too, and picking out the support Jack has instead of Jack himself to alienate William is a horrible but powerful manipulation tactic really. Did Dave have a performance in the circus? If he did, what did he do? Also, what happened to Jack, since I'm assuming he's still alive?

I was gonna draw something for this AU today but, it kinda too late for me to start now 'n' I got a busy day tomorrow but, I didn't want to make you wait too long for a reply to your ideas! Thank you so much for sharing this with me, this was a pleasure to read through, and I look forward to see/hearing more about this AU :eyes:

Sorry it took me a bit to reply! I wanted to give you a nicely structured answer & have this understandable for people stumbling upon this post and me at a later date when I end up using this to refresh my memory x"3

[unexpected-nightview]

In many of your answers you mention that Zhang Rishan is a bit of an idiot and it isn't helped because Ba Ye can be very hard to read. How do you feel about Hanahaki disease fics?

I MEAN. WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT IT DOES SOUND WAY MORE MEAN THAN I ORIGINALLY INTENDED TO SKSKSKSKSKSSK But. Yeah. I mean. I do love my Zhangs clumsy and borderline dumb when it comes to romance because let’s be real. They put so much energy into fighting, looking cool and mysterious and whatnot...that some things should be lacking. Also it’s very endearing to have these almost godlike characters to fail at something so “mundane”? And so very, very, VERY entertaining >:). Now. About the Hanahaki Disease. I’ll admit that I haven’t read that many about it? Not bc it is unappealing but I guess at some point I made up my mind that most of the times it ends with the character’s death (probably untrue but the brain works in mysterious ways). And I so happen to avoid that sort of fate. Because, while I do love my angst, I prefer when it comes with the reward of a happy ending ;_; Howeverrrrrr! (no tw warmings bc there isn’t much that could be considered graphic or gory or whatever, JFYI)

I kind of want to tie this with the headcanon that Zhang Rishan is just the *worst* when it comes to him getting sick?

Like. Maybe the Zhangs, Ba Ye and someone else (Jinxi? Old Wu? for variety’ sake) return from their latest tomb raiding and aside from a few scratches and bug bites, they are all pretty much unscathed. Rishan returns home, goes to sleep and wakes up with purple petal flowers scattered around his chest and pillow and his lungs feel a bit...congested? Stuffy? But that’s probably due to all the dust he breathed yesterday. And the petals...I mean. He has seen weirder things. So who knows. Probably there are some mice running around the mansion? He makes a mental note to notify the servants and off he goes. It’s going to be a busy day that will most likely turn into a busy set of weeks so there is no time to waste. No sir, no amount of dust-congested lungs is going to stop Rishan from doing his work. The problems starts when during one of those pesky coughing fits petals keep pouring and pouring out of his mouth. His subordinates freak the hell out and they call Fo Ye who immediatly drags Rishan to his room while asking one of the soldiers to bring Ba Ye to the mansion ASAP. (Should I mention that just by hearing this Rishan starts coughing again purple and pink petals? yeah. that.) Ba Ye of course is as ????? as both Zhangs are. What Rishan has is *not* a normal disease. Perhaps it’s a curse from the tomb? What it is clear is that it falls under Qi expertise. So Fo Ye and Ba Ye decide that Ba Ye is going to stay at the mansion and do his research there bc that way he can supervise Rishan more closely. Rishan tries to convince them that it isn’t necessary but Ba Ye gives him a *look* and he has to stop mid-sentence bc his heart is doing a *thing* and he can feel more petals coming out. If he didn’t know better he would assume that Ba Ye is more scared than he is letting on? Like. Yeah. That does make sense. They are friends. Right? Or more like comrades? Brothers in arms? That might be too much....He is the sibling of Ba Ye’s bff? Friendly acquaintances that have gone through many perils together? That’s it. Anyway. Ba Ye should know better by now. Rishan is strong and can deal with worse things and really there is no need to make that painful face each time Rishan starts spilling pink petals left and right.  So Ba Ye stays and makes sure that he is always by Rishan’s side. And Rishan doesn’t know what to make of that. He is glad that he has company now that Fo Ye has forbidden him from doing any task that isn’t paperwork...but...the time they spend together is mostly a quiet one, with Ba Ye focusing on studying the hundreds of books Fo Ye has managed to gather in order to find a cure. And the thing is. Bored and restless as he is...Rishan finds himself more and more distracted by the sight of Ba Ye reading in front of him. At first he just observes Ba Ye’s features, marveling at the softness of his eyes, the elegance of his nose...then his attention lands on the silent movements that animate Ba Ye while reading. How his eyebrows twitch when he thinks he has found an anwer....how he bites his lip while concentrating. However, as charmed as Rishan is, he always makes sure to not let Ba Ye catch him staring.

Days turn into weeks and weeks into months. Rishan is starting to find more and more difficult to leave his room but he fights the tiredness just so he can spend a few hours with Ba Ye. The piles of books that Fo Ye had brought are getting smaller by the day and no cure has been found yet. Their time together is less quiet now, even more when the only thing they can do is wait for more books to arrive. Rishan can see how the situation is also taking a toll on Ba Ye. He looks thinner, paler. The rings under his eyes are starting to get more and more noticeable too. For days Rishan fights the urge to ask, no, *demand* that Ba Ye goes home and get some damn rest. But he knows Qi Tiezui can be as stubborn as a mule so he bites his tongue and fights the urge to cough up more red petals.  One day though, he can’t stop himself and clearly, that the most stupid thing to do. Because now Ba Ye is looking at him with this *painful* expression, mixed with so many things he can’t put a name on and it’s making Rishan feel like choking. He gets one of the worst coughing fits yet, red and yellow petals keep pouring out and the only thing that keeps him anchored is the warmth of Ba Ye’s hands on his back.  When he finally manages to calm down, Ba Ye brings him to his room. They walk, side by side, Tiezui’s grip on his arm never faltering. The man keeps talking, probably trying to lighten the mood, most likely to hide how shaken he is. At some point he offers to go to the kitchen and make Rishan’s favourite soup. That surprises Rishan bc he doesn’t remember telling him that information, but Ba Ye only offers a soft smile and a “It’s the way you look when you eat it”. And Rishan looks at that smile, those gentle eyes and finally realizes it. Zhang Rishan is hopelessly in love with Qi Tiezui. That night he starts tasting blood in his throat. A week goes by and Rishan can’t leave his room anymore. He can only lie on his bed, and fight the coughs and the yellow petals that keep pouring out of his mouth. Much to his surprise, Ba Ye doesn’t return to his house. Instead, he stays at Rishan’s room, keeping him company. Sometimes he reads stories out loud. Sometimes he rants about some issue happening at the incense hall. Sometimes he just stits there, staring quietly at the floor. Rishan notices how Ba Ye flinches each time the petals come out blood tainted, but he doesn’t say anything.

Time passes but Rishan is too weak now to even notice it. His whole world is just the room, the petals and Ba Ye’s voice. During one of his lucid moments, he hears Tiezui coughing. Rishan manages to open his eyes quick enough to catch a few yellow petals falling from Ba Ye’s hand. And that...that’s what does it. He sobs, broken and ashamed because whatever this disease of his is, it’s now inside Ba Ye’s body. And he feels so terribly guilty because if it wasn’t for his weakness, this wouldn’t have happened. His eyes are so filled with tears, he can barely see anything. However, he can feel warm hands cupping his face. “Rishan, what are you talking about?”. And because he is weaks and so very exhausted... “I love Ba Ye”. Rishan was sure those warm hands would move away, angry and repulsed at such confession. And yet, there they stay, taking away the tears and turning his head to the side. Ba Ye is there, eyes filled with nothing but tenderness and sadness.”You daigua. You really had to wait until now to tell me that”. Ba Ye’s voice is faint and broken. “That’s so unfair of you”. And his face must have done something, because Ba Ye gives him the same look that he has been giving him these last months. ...Oh. “Oh indeed”. Ba Ye laughs bitterly and leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.  And then Rishan starts coughing. He coughs and coughs and coughs and now there is nothing but white petals. The coughing doesn’t stop and Rishan is starting to feel the lack of air, slipping faster and faster nto unconsciousness. The last thing he hears is Tiezui’s voice calling his name. And then nothing.

.........................

And bc I said that I like angst with happy endings....*drumroll* Rishan wakes up the next morning, weak but with his lungs free. Tiezui is sleeping next to him and there is a fuckton of white petals lying around. Fuba survive, get healthy and live happily ever after! YEI LOVE WINS! :D Initially I wanted to keep it more summarized since the Hanahaki Disease isn’t something I’m that familiar to? But then...mayhem!

PS : the petals are from chrysanthemums and the thing with the colors is a mix between what I found while looking around and my own interpretations. *jazz hands*

[misterbitches]

some thots. having a bad time so this is rougher than usual. oh well

....

i guess he really does know hiim best cos if that was my mans (man specifically cos if anyone else did that id take it more srsly) i would be like oh my god ur singing me a love song? i would love it but i woudl SCREAM in embarrassment. UNLESS it was a really deep love song that's about us dying together.

like i want to eat ur skin type of thing (drain u nirvana) lmaoa but i really like this song it reminds me of that velvet underground song (the only one i know cos of juno lmao) and nico or whatever 'i'm sticking with you)

my adhd would be out of fucking control i had to spend my time listening to this looking around i kept getting distracted by a tissue and thinking "wow this song is nice but i wish it would end bc i am getting distracted" and lo and behold i paused it and i have to pee and i know it's gonna take forever to undo this

ok about 12m later i turned it back on and they kissed and then he bit the corn then that night li chen also lost his virgin teas after watching gay porn and being like "hm interesting" and he'll be like "i see, ur dick is not medium sized"

i'm honestly gagging i cannot at this 12 year old marrying his mom

beautiful theyre beautiful

ayea you fucking psycho we do too because he was 17 and we had to witness it (or well, other people did cos i didnt watch the show even tho wayne song is [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP] and i want him to [BEEEEEEEP] and ppl even liked it which is fine like i get it in theory but they put this in my eyeballs so i'm gonna make fun of it bc it's fuckin DUMB lmao like i can't I CANNOT and he said "u were so persistent" BITCH UR 30??!?!???!?!?!?)capi hve it on mute and i tried to get a screencap of li chen and mu ren like together and not just his face but i cant find the timestamp and seeing their faces as they get married is literalyl traumattizing i'm like scremaing at my screen going "HE'S 5 HE'S 5 HE'S 5" and every time theyre like "we acn live forever together" like no bitch ur bones rae creaking

also is the officiator white? if anyone knows why or if that's common i'd love to know more. EDIT: HE ISN'T I JUST THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE MOBY FROM THAT ANGLE

anyway here

i'm almost done with this fucking bullshit and i am in a really ould mood and usu they make it a bit better but imo it's kind of....annoying i guess balancing all these story elements and introducin gother couples (even in the periphery) since the story in itself can't focus. i feel like all in all the time spent with these two is a lot more limited and we get the feel for the rship because of their chemistry as actors, irl chemistry as friends and colleagues, and hopefully being happy and working on a good set. so it isn't the strength of the writing or production.

for some reason they get like less dynamic ways of being together which i think is part of their charm, they do things their own way, but the writers really should have substantiated this more. it's really just the way everyone in the show has managed to deliver these AWFUL story lines and production decisions (like seriously who the fuck was on costume? lighting?)

like maybe hot take but all the moments that are cringe and insane in the show are not pleasant, per se, because they aren't thought out clearly. so they're not a joy to watch in the normal sense but the actors are good enough to pull it off. i didn't cringe at the talks they had because it felt like actors like acting these lines out instead of us being embarrassed for it and you CAN TELL theyre embarrassed.

this is a huge kudos to the casting director and the actors and whatever crew that actually did a good job. i don't particularly like watching bo xiang and his grandfather husband not because of the content but because i feel like, to me, they're so awkward even though they have chemistry. i don't have that issue with xing si and his rapist brother boyfriend because watching them is actually really pleasant, it's intimate. this isn't to do with the story though because when it hits you how devoid this other person is and how stupid the situation is it changes (for me, for me, for me, this is all my opinion think whateverrrr u want im not telling u 2 ok!)

so truly kudos to this cast. idk if i'm misremembering here but imo the most cast appropriate series in this was crossing the line and close to you. one is a decent atmosphere and execution (yes even with that brother story line, notice the major key differences though because that's a sincere false equivalence. they try to execute power imbalances soooo badly and then fail every time but here's one meant to shock too and it was just likelmao ok girl?)

it may not make sense to say either in a writing way or for the character to do it but i believe that whoever the characters these people are supposed to be especially those super not well written on the page still get that message aacross (yong jie's actor is a good ex. not sure if i should ccongratulate him for having the worst job on earth and the worst character and his character is flat but. ostensibly they should let their actions speak for themselevs but what they do is they back themselves into a ccorner with unsuretyabout their characters or a dilemma that pops up they just want to excuse it. well guess hwat u couldnt do enough legwork. but to some extent the disposable side couple works here on a um "our eyes see them and get it" way

also to me it seems like they chose this story just to have this specific wedding. like it's a timely topic and i'm pretty sure like another provision? (correction? idk) was made WRT taiwanese same-sex marriage so it's topical but it isn't like a "papa and daddy" situation where they're interacting in it and there (for ex: the pride parade) and there being like real life terms and consequences. here it seems like they were like ah yes wedding ah yes dumb couple from modc bc we kiled off the other one sooooo (then outsource them to life love on the line u__u) then hamfisting in some fucking message which is funny bc

- despite the hints peppered in and the clear attraction they both acknowledge ur like ~not gay just him~ even tho...i mean i just. again they dont read over what they write i don't think considering. but wahtever.

- the only gay dude (verbally said) is with his rapist brother with an awful power dynamic oh or IS a rapist (gao) (or his brother but i think it was just a "im a psycho so it's him" thing unless they said it. in which case idc cos i wasnt paying attn but that's also not great) or i guess the wedding but like....that's also a ridiculously inappropriate and dumb relationship taht it's built on. i mean i don't really see much respect her so i dont particularly want to hear abt gay weddings being important when they didn't even utilize it in the story beforehand and have we ever. this is a huge indication to me that it was a reverse engineered chosen story beforehand (if it was one) or thought of

soooooo

so reversal of that....it didnt give us enough time to breathe with these two at all but for both of the actors they can capitalize what's on the page and the writers didn't. like their dynamic is very i give/you give like taking car eof each other etc that's why

again, no artist worth their salt will ever say their work meant nothing. that's a cover up. i'm sick of lazy production and then getting away with it claiming being subversive or attacking an issue by not doing anything. we show crazy shit all the time but it has a POINT and ur point is "i like the gays" then girl.....i mean it's not great

but the acting really carried it. i have a feeling if this series continues it might continue to use more experienced actors cos maybe the budget goes up but they also have less inhibitions now when it comes to acting. i like the way li chen expresss himself and teng teng too. i like anson a lot and there's some angles that did not do any favors and i think eh has to get more control of his body movements (bc he's SO LARGE and thin) but he wasn't bad at all and there were real human tears. of course i, personally, favor charles tu. he has more control over his body because he has...less to work with and he's a bit bigger and he was really great in this role. he's a himbo a bit of a meathead but you like him. you like them. there's some things i think they had them say and do that they wouldn't let happen if they stuck to the characters and the story (mainly liking that dumb idiot rapist)

what i notice is that the reprehensible actions people criticize others for in the show and in real human life lalways gets turned around. teng teng being surprised that this boy's grandfather boyfriend met him when he was a junior in high school and he's 12 years older and him apologizing for being shocked and then whatshisface going "ur better at it than most people" and then the convo about gao with whatshisface and then rapist brother comes to pick him up. they are admonishing gao but thinking that rapist brother is noble for doin gwhat he did (and oh rapist brother shows up) like the hypocrisy and the decisions are immense. so now it's like "guys see he's a great guy" like girl STICK TO SOMETHING but whatever so i live in this universe where muren and li chen do everything right and have lots of different interesting fun seex with all their friends. i would write this but i cannot i am dying

[vermosu]

This big boy just celebrated his 33rd birthday last week 👏🏻

Spoiler : It contains romance, skip if it's boring.

Happy birthday Samchon! Stay healthy and happy to be yourself and part of my family. Thank you for teaching me many things and also inspiring me with what you do I see every day of you living your days meaningfully.

Bonding with you never makes me feel bored. This chemistry isn't artificial, it grows on its own bc that's what we want to build together naturally. We live as we should without anything being forced or made up until finally we became best friends 🖤

Deciding to start a family with you was a big decision for Ibu as well as me. We believe the love we feel is as great as what we give to you and even more. Thank you for being willing to take care of us - in this case, me. Not in a materialistic way, but rather, trust myself with someone who will take care of my soul. Trust myself with someone who will take care of mind, some one who will take care of my heart. Trust myself with someone who will take care of even the most chaotic parts of who I am. Samchon from all that I feel I can do the same for you, for our family. Even though you are not my biological father, you mean the same to me.

Samchon, did you know???

How happy i would be if you picked me up from school on the sidelines of your busy life and my friend was happy to see my 'dad' come?

Do you know how proud I am when I see you perform on stage and inspire so many dancers?

Do you know how amazed I am when I see your eyes sparkle when your students surprises you with their progress?

Did you know how happy i am to see you up close with so many animals? How can you have the vibes that makes stray animals comfortable sticking with you?

Did you know how happy I am when everything I say gets a response? When my dreams are not just dreams when you say let's do it now instead of later?

Did you know how surprised I am that you're intooooo astrology? I don't even care about my Taurus which is not popular. I'm so sick of hearing the Aries and Virgo in my cricle who can't stop talking about it and now I have Capricorn at home. I can't believe it happened to me :(

Did you know how terrified I was when I saw you quit enlistment with such conditions? It was the first time I saw Ibu's hands shaking in front of the ICU. How jealous I see other families are grateful to see their family members leave the room. How it breaks my heart to see your damaged eyes. How sad I hear the way you say wanna see normal again? How tired Ibu's giving your eyes bunch of meds and it time lag makes me wonder if we can sleep tonight? I ended up staying at the hospital and going to school from there for a few days. In the early days of your treatment my body felt very crushed bc there were only the two of us Ibu and I, so we had to complement each other. There are times when Ibu goes to buy food and I stand in the room to give meds to Samchon's eyes and can't be late at all. There are times when I take turns with Ibu and go to buy medis that isn't available at the hospital, and when I already get it Ibu sends another photo of a new medical prescription and and I have to go back there again and queue again and it's raining outside. I remember how hectic we were when we set an alarm on a cheap smartwatch we bought out of necessity. We remember how short our time to eat was. All the struggles that we went through together from treatment, healing to your therapy have really been replaced. Please, 제발, don't get sick anymore. Stay healthy! Physically! Mentally! You have us, a very strong backing!

And did you know Samchon how hard it was for me to hold back tears when you finally said you were ready and willing to be the imam of the prayer from then onwards? Good job Samchon, thank you for never getting tired of continuing to learn more about Islam. And now I see the figure of Opung in you where you always shout and remind me to pray on time 😆

I'll be honest here, of course it's not easy to accept Ibu and I in the early days you know us. The fact that you truly love your nephew is also a child within your circle makes us believe in you that you will be the right person to help Ibu educate and guide me. You opened my mind with your statement, "I will not replace your biological father's position, as a stepdad I will help you, guide you also give you a good experience until you become the human you dream of. This is also my first experience to have a son so let's live life together like a best friends". We're doing well so far despite ups and downs, my heart can't lie to accept you. Thank you Samchon for accepting me as I am. Ibu and I are not perfect - we are full of sins and scars but you want to walk together and heal together, it turns out that you also have the same scars. Thank you for everything especially for speaking up that I am not only Ibu's son but also your child. I might regret it if at that time I really refused you to come into our lives.

Sorry if I still call you Samchon.

Even though you say call you as comfortable as I am but I know what YOU and the universe wants.

Sorry I can't reach that yet but you  exactly know I'm working towards that.

Stay healthy and fit until old age! I'm so happy to see you excited about your new permanent job 😍 Let's grow together! Let's learn about life together! Let's achieve another dream together! Let's get to know ourselves more! I'm really looking forward to do new experiences with Ibu and you

🖤🖤🖤