#and i havent cooked for myself in like 5

[fujouppy]

i wanna go to sleep so bad but my throat is sore as fuckk and its making me feel like shit

[cardboardclownery]

...hi guys :]

so uhh. folie a deux posting again-

this issss the first chapter i wrote for this!! cookie and i split the chapters among

ourselves specially based on their content and when pitching the idea for this one cookie said they felt sick while reading my idea so. i was chosen to write this one for his sake -v-

SO!! sit back, relax, and enjoy the horrors my friend B]

(also sorry about the bracket bits at the start, we havent made placeholder town names yet or anything ;v;)

FOLIE À DEUX - CHAPTER 5, DRAFT 1

big tw for: graphic depictions of violence, cannibalism, dark themes(?? its freaky idk what youd call it)

I’ve once again found myself in the dark, suffocating woods surrounding the towns of Eastridge. Realistically, I could’ve stayed in [town name] for a bit longer– I had only just started living there before moving out again. Despite that, something in my head is telling me that I have to leave. Telling me how that place is too close to my old home, how easy it would be for Lankmann to find me there.

That voice has been leading me fairly well so far, so I have no reason to stop following him now.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling a bit doubtful, though. I have no reason to believe he’s right or wrong, but a voice telling me to walk endlessly through the wilderness with unconfirmable reasoning isn’t exactly easy to believe. What other choice do I have, though? Stay put and see if it’s proven right, only to risk being put back into that hellish asylum?

No. That isn’t an option. We– I’m not going back there.

God, I’m hungry.

Still, I keep walking, ignoring how much my stomach growled. If I just make it to the nearest town soon, I can get something to eat. I think I still have enough money left to buy something. If not… hopefully they have a soup kitchen. I never imagined I’d end up in a situation where I would depend on something like that. I guess I never considered how people end up homeless or unable to feed themselves.

It feels odd calling myself a “person” now. I don’t know why, but it just seems… wrong in some way.

…I smell something. What is that smell? It’s visceral, almost like raw pork, and yet oddly sweet. I feel drool well up in my mouth and drip down my chin. I quickly wipe it off with my sleeve as I feel my heart begin to pound. Why am I so shaky? And why am I so much hungrier than before?

I look around for the source of the smell only to see a person walking not too far off in the distance. The trees make it hard to see them very well, but I can tell it’s a person. I know it doesn’t make sense for them to be the source of the smell, and yet something’s telling me that they are.

I find myself unable to look away from them. I don’t know why, but I just can’t.

Something about them makes me feel even hungrier.

Why am I hungrier? That’s a fucking person, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just look away– I keep trying but I can’t get myself to look anywhere else but at them. My jaw falls open, letting more saliva spill out. They start walking farther away, I should walk away too.

But I can’t stop staring.

I can’t stop drooling.

I can’t…

I can’t…

stop…

…

…What...

What’s…going on..?

I can’t remember…how I got here…

I feel something in my mouth…I’m chewing something. It feels like steak, yet tastes more like ham. There’s so much of it, I feel it spilling out over my chin. It’s so warm… and wet… Is it covered in blood..? Was this even cooked at all? What the hell am I eating!?

I look down and–

And–

Fuck. Fuck, I–

I choke on what I was chewing, covering my eyes.

This isn’t fucking happening this isn’t happening–

I uncover my eyes and look down again. I see the same thing.

That person I saw. They’re right here, laying right in front of me. They won’t move, there’s a tear in their neck and they’re bleeding. They’re bleeding a lot.

Their leg’s bleeding too– there’s a deep gash in it. It looks as if an animal had torn it open with its teeth.

There’s blood on my hands. And my face, and my clothes.

There’s so much blood.

A sob pushed at my throat as I willed myself into looking at the person’s face. Another slipped out as I saw them staring back at me, making me look away again. I can’t bear looking at them like this. I can’t believe they’re even alive, let alone conscious.

It would’ve been so much easier if it wasn’t…

…What do you mean, “it?”

They aren’t an “it,” that– that’s a person that’s not–

I shake my head and look back down at its– their leg. The wound left in it is so deep, almost reaching the bone. For some reason, when I looked at this…

When I looked… I felt so, so hungry.

I swallow what remained in my mouth. It tastes… good.

Why does it… taste good..?

Without thinking, I lean down, hold the person’s leg in place and tear off another hunk of flesh with my teeth. The person doesn’t even resist or scream. It just lays there, whimpering in pain.

Its meat tastes so, so good.

I quickly chew up the viscera between my teeth and gulp it down along with the blood it was drenched in. I lick my lips to take in the mess on my face. It was oddly savory, even sweet. I tore off another chunk from its leg.

“I…I-I’m so…I’m sor…ry…” I choked out between chews. “I’m so… so, sorry…”

I swallowed down the mush in my mouth before croaking out another “sorry.” I couldn’t stop repeating as I ate, “sorry,” “sorry,” “I’m sorry,” as if it would do anything. It didn’t take long to notice the person stop responding. It finally died off as I sobbed pointless apologies, devouring what was left of its leg.

My sobs became incomprehensible blubbering after this. I couldn’t bring myself to eat anymore. I just buried my head in my hands, muffling the nonsense tumbling from my throat.

…It’s so odd.

In less than a week, I’ve transformed from a deer in headlights into a predator– a beast perhaps even more frightening than the one I had been running from all this time.

…

I can’t remember exactly how we- I got rid of the body. I just remember panicking, dragging the corpse for hours without thinking. I can’t remember where it is now. I think I stepped on something. Just above my ankle, there’s a bloody gash that must’ve been there for a while now. It’s from a bear trap I think. I probably shouldn’t be walking with a wound like that in my leg. I probably shouldn’t be able to walk with that in my leg. It stings, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it should, I don’t think.

I’m still damp from washing in a river. I think it was a river. It might’ve been a lake, actually. I can’t really remember that, either. I just know I was covered in blood, then went somewhere that had water and left without any blood on me. I couldn’t get the stains off of my clothes, though.

Hopefully no one noticed.

I’m in an apartment now– a small, run-down one, but an apartment. I’ll be stuck living here for a while so I need to get used to it. I’ve been staring at the same spot on the beige, hole-filled wall for a few minutes now, standing just in front of the door leading outside. My bag is lying next to me, having been dropped just after walking inside and closing the door.

I should go to bed.

I should unpack.

I should take a proper shower.

I should turn myself in to the police.

I should

I

don’t

I don’t. Know.

What do I do now?

Where do I go from here?

What… what do I do..?

I… I killed someone… I can’t even remember where they are now…

I just… hid them… like it was nothing and walked away.

I ate their fucking leg.

Why… why did I… Why…

Why…

I…

Can’t… breathe…

I fall backwards against the door. I can’t breathe. I choke on nothing. I can’t stop shaking.

My eyes start to sting from the tears forming in them. My fingers curl against the floor. My nails dig into it as they do.

Inhuman sounds bubble in my throat.

I feel something heavy wrap around me but nothing is there.

It becomes easier to breathe somehow.

The invisible weight around me grows heavier, pushing me down to the floor.

I curl into myself, lurching with each choked sob of a breath. Despite there being no source of it in the room, I swear I can hear music.

I really have lost it, haven’t I.

[voiceofsword]

hi mimi :] guess who got new "matching" voicelines . i think i might be a bit delusional but it's a saga in my HEART and i will now rough tl/paraphrase them for you as i haven't the time to do it properly atm ( i'm at work but i had to inform you asap )

niki: i'm developing new recipes for a cooking segment on a new show i was put in charge of ! i'm thinking of focusing on spring vegetables ..

rinne: ( yawn ) i went out with niki early in the morning to dig up bamboo shoots, and we stayed there until pretty late in the evening, i've been so tired .. i think i'll sleep a bit now

niki: rinnekun told me spring was a great time for picnics, so i'm going to make a bento ! what would go nicely in it .. 💭

i swore there was another one but i don't feel like checking the shop atm to see if i missed a line . will update you if i did o7

WAUUGHHH THANK YOU... IVE SEEN A FEW COMICS ABT THEM BUT HAVENT GOTTEN THEM MYSELF so thank u so much for keeping me updated. now i will ramble

thinking about rinne being like (grumble grumble) why am i up this early (grumble grumble) damn you niki (in spite of agreeing to drive him the night before).... but still driving him, and joining him in digging up the bamboo shoots, and they end up having such a good time that he forgot he was even that tired at all to begin with. cue rinne and niki sitting in silence for like 5 mins in the car before he starts playing stuff from a playlist he made for the two of them and they immediately start singing/humming along

and in the following bento line i can imagine that happening almost before rinnes, like oh, bc rinnes doing this for me ill make us some food since he said spring is nice for picnics :) itll be fun and yummy food is always good~ (not just thinking about the food, obviously, but specifically remembering that tiny detail and wanting to Share That with the person he loves)

so by the time they have a few bags of bamboo shoots and are exhausted and covered in dirt nikis like ta dah!!! i made us bentos!! and rinnes thankful but also like omg, is this a date, does niki like me? i wouldve gotten dressed nicer 😳😳 nikikyun, you shoulda told meeee (super teasing, everyone knows theyre dating, hes being silly) and niki jokingly smacks him like no way! not like you wouldve done the laundry today anyway!! (but makes no attempt to reject the date idea) and and and.

idk i just started thinking about this scenario, i always love the "oh i have to do this thing" and the other immediately joining in like "well duh obviously i gotta go with you" both in the more serious sense and with more everyday activities like this, as much as they complain they treasure each others company so much IM DEADDDDDDD

[ms-all-sunday]

SO GLAD to see the Zonami love it’s actually so good. For the ask game… Luffy/Usopp

you just want to see me talk about ships i like at this point and im not complaining. so glad i hit the right zoro/nami audience <3

luffy/usopp - compels me and i like it.

luffy and usopp are the naruto and sasuke of this series. you have to accept that. there should be a fanfiction on ao3 and there isnt but there should be of these two fighting and then it regresses into making out with sexual tension and everything.

you know how people say they like zoro and sanji because they like people who are friends but bicker? luffy and usopp are actually that, but instead of fighting about nami or some very semantics based bullshit (zoro and sanji are very catty people who are ultimately very sensitive) usopp and luffy are fighting about love. and that's the best type of bickering ship where people are fighting and it's actually because they love eachother in different ways that they feel they cant express directly. it's tension. its angst. what more could you need. i need them to fight physically and have usopp pin luffy to the ground and then they kiss and wait hold on youre a persona 5 fan. people who dont want persona 5 spoilers. dont read more

finally someone will get what im saying. you might not like it but you will understand and i need that validation because im replaying p5r right now.

so i was censoring myself when talking about their dynamic as naruto/sasuke because i believe usopp as a character is maybe the only comparable guy to goro akechi when it comes to protrayals of mental illness. i believe goro akechi and usopp fulfill the same roles in both persona 5 royal and one piece as direct parallels to the protagonist and have very similar personalities (they both double sided coins) and they both have bpd and theyre both lying bitches and they both put on costumes to make themselves feel like men (akechis dual personas and usopps duel personas with the captain and sniper king). and the akechi bossfight in shidos palace, like the monologue up to it, if I'm remembering correctly i havent seen it in a bit is very usopp at water 7 same type of deal.

their backstories are kind of similar but it's mainly their personalities and neuroses and everything.

you see okay lets talk about something for a bit. goro akechi is why i believe if usopp was lightskinned slash white he'd be the most popular character in one pieces fandom, that being said persona 5 has as you know found its demographic in a way one piece hasnt, so maybe its a problem of demographic or both? whatever. usopp is like goro akechi if he healed or to be honest was better written in some respects. when i say "characters like usopp" i mainly mean goro akechi. mainly.

and what does this mean for usopp and luffy well if i were to be writing a persona 5 royal au for a year and some change i would surely liken their dynamic to ren and akechi, considering ren as a protagonist is *so* similar to luffy.

and their dynamic is similar (theyre the only ones on the same level with eachother both fool cards and both gods.)

and what if i was cooking on that. what if i was making an incredibly detailed au just so i could make a point about luffy and usopp and ren and akechi.

what if i was making an au just so i could make usopp a prettyboy celebrity.

what if i was just making an au for one piece solely so i could have that shidos palace moment with akechis mental breakdown and validate usopp as Also Like That.

what if i wanted to validate usopps mental health issues and validate his position as the best character ever by making an au in which he is compared to another best character ever?

[bl00dnb0n3s]

my plan to reach 75lbs by november <3

(for reference im 96-95lbs rn)

so my biggest struggles is being with my mom for a week bcuz shes always ON MY ASS!!!!!

-avoiding looking sick

ill always wear AT LEAST a skin tint around my mother because i start to go very pale and yellow, and always do my skincare and wash my face night n day, and always make sure to shower and keep my hygiene up and always stay hydrated.

-hiding my body

i HAVE to wear baggy clothes around her all the time, only sweats n sweaters when im with her and ill also have to make it look like my thighs havent gotten smaller (they used to be HUGE n now its noticeable whenenver i reach a new lw)

-hiding my disorder.

ill have to eat normally but i can ALWAYS portion my meals unless she prepares my dinner, lunch, breakfast. but sense i am finally starting school ill be able to say i had lunch at school and i wont have to worry about that but at the dinner table i cant act disorderd once so ever. no picking your food, no taking off bread crumbs, no try not to say no to fatty foods (thats real hard i always say no)

-fasting

i literally cannot fast at my moms no matter how hard i try she will always try and find a way to make me eat somehow n that triggers my b.e.d which is no good. and i dont wanna gain 10lbs in a week again😭 but if i do i can always fast for few days and the weight will fall off me so its fine for now? i just rather not binge i hate the feeling after i CANNOT handle it. but if i feel like i will im coming on tumblr and asking for meanspo

-calories

my calorie budget at my moms will be 1,200 MAX but my preferred is 700 cals but its very hard to stay under 700 cals when she makes me eat 3 meals a day n snacks. what the fuck. anyways as-long as i don't go over 2000 cals i wont gain a single pound of fat so yeah, and also i will try and cut out sugar when i'm there but its very hard bcuz she bakes all the time

-foods ill be aloud to have when im there

protein bars ofc, greek yogurt, granola, protein shakes, any meat, veggies, fruits but remember to count every calorie!

ill try to avoid getting fast food but if my mom wants to get starbucks with me im not saying no bcuz i dont wanna see her cry again😭

now my plan for my dads

sense he dosent think im disorderd at all and that im healthy its gonna be very easy :)

fasting

ill fast whenever, but try to spread them out and no longer then 5 days max (thats when my body starts to give out, i almost died when i did 6-7 days lol)

-NEVER eat alone. why? i dont have to if no ones making me eat? ill only eat dinner infront of my dad if its not a fasting day. (non fasting days are my omads :))

-eat downstairs when its omad. fasting eat upstairs n give the food to my dog

make it like you LOVE food (i have to do this at my dads n moms so) one way is by cooking!! i love cooking last night i made chicken n a low cal garlic sauce myself n my own recipe!! (lmk if youd like it ;))

n omads at dads r 400 cals max for dinner. if its over dont eat it all easy and try to binge at dads but thats really rare for me sense i have nothing i want to eat here 😭

NEVER GET ON THE SCALE INFRONT OF HIM. MY COVER WOULD BE BLOWN😭

[boxheadpaint]

hungry but not much to eat and tgen mildly depressing news, ok. obviously this is worsened by being hungry and not medicated yet. decide instead to go back to bed and lie to still to use up energy and sleep through hunger. Somehow this does not work and just end up more tired and more hungry. And still havent taken meds. my thrilling life. dove noises outside tho. wait i havent done a diary post in a bit hang on lemme rev up here.

ok back. Collapsed while cooking because im intwlligent, but did enjoy a good meal with my partner. watched some Star Trek while my body refused to regain energy so as to take a shower, and had to take a shower anyway. Have been much less depressed lately, though have been dealing with constant daytime fatigue for some reason. Im mr fall asleep. going to get groceries later today thank goodness

current goal in pokerogue because of course. Like obviously yes shiny farming but also at this point im trying to make the most disgusting dog possible. Behold

Completely and utterly nasty thing.

im not sure how to get back into digital art sooner rather than later, my computer has become immensely annoying to use. Beyond having to prop it by hand because of lack of back panel, it also heats up a bunch very quickly and the cursor is Still an irritating molecule off center to me- likely because of the angle I have to look at when it’s laying flat from no adequate support.

I don’t want to ditch digital completely because of some minor inconveniences but my patience with the machine has been wearing thin for a long while now. at least it’s not giving me notifications to update to windows 11. Like fuck off and such.

Lately I find myself more and more mad about advertisements and marketing. Beyond the disruptive nature of these things and the wastefulness theyre also straight up stupid and just make things look worse by existing. It doesn’t matter how many different ads for reeses you show me with the bojack guy over them, and in fact the more I see them the more likely I am to just say the governments putting poison shit in it so people will stop buying them. Also fuck everything that charges more money for a gluten free version of a product

come June im going on a ride up north and visiting my sister briefly, which I look forward to. There was some miscommmunication about days so I thot I was going to be able to hang out with her for a full day on her weekend, but it turned out that was unavailable and it made me upset. still, even if it’s just for a few hours after her shift ill be happy to spend any time with her. I miss being just a room away from her at a given moment sometimes and wish I could have appreciated that time more, though I know a part of why I didn’t was the house itself and its effect on me. Swagless really

anyway somehow I managed to be up until 3 am once again. Im marking the date down as today even if I started this post yesterday. Hoping to relax and get good news soon, or at least neutral news. News of a sort

5/18/2024, the dog is also several levels higher now than pictured. Like by a lot

[rosebramblewolf]

ok after my post about the phone game earlier im aware this is going to sound like ive been hacked by advertising bots or something but i promise i havent

so anyway

i never thought i would be the kind of person who shells out for a box of pre-prepared meals to be shipped to me every week, however a number of factors have conspired to make that the case

i have never been the kind of person who cooks consistently. im just not. i always tell myself im going to do it and then i dont do it, i only cook when i feel like cooking and have the energy, and while i was working and now that im chronically ill those two things just dont coincide very often at all.

i can buy frozen meals at the grocery store like everyone else, obviously, but we can all agree most of them are not great right? bc most of them are just not great. and so there comes a point where im thoroughly sick of the like, 3 tolerable frozen meals i buy, which are nutritionally not the best in the first place by the way, and then

i impulsively buy takeout whenever im hungry an dont feel like eating something i already have in the house. this is also nutritionally not ideal.

i am also way too lazy to get up and drive out to pick up the takeout when i could just pay an extra $5-10 to have someone deliver it to me, so i waste a lot of money on that.

half the time i decide to try a new takeout place or something and it turns out to be bad. and then i eat enough of it that im not hungry anymore, and put the rest of it in the fridge, and never eat the leftovers. this is also hugely wasteful bc when i get takeout i try to get enough to have at least one or two meals worth of leftovers to justify the expense of delivery. so the upshot is i end up buying, at premium prices, a bunch of food im not going to eat.

so it turns out paying $10-12/meal for something i can just pop in the microwave whenever, that i am actually going to eat, in a reasonable variety of different stuff, with real nutrients in it and vegetables and stuff, is not only healthier for my lifestyle but i strongly suspect cheaper than what ive been doing. for, i cannot stress this enough, better quality food than what ive been eating.

so im eating my first factor meal right now, its actually delicious. its almost delicious enough for me to stop being pissed that they delivered it to the leasing office and i had to drive over there, have someone carry the giant box out to my car, then drive back here, bring grocery bags out to the car, and open the box and carry the contents inside in multiple trips, because i am a weak little kitten. but not quite.

(i have already contacted customer service to make sure they bring it to my door in the future. if it happens again im raising hell.)

[teddykaczynski]

3, 5, and 29 for ask game ^_^

3: Reading or writing? Why?

well you cant have one without the other... i think at this point i enjoy reading more but i write creatively more than i read books for leisure?

5. How do you like to take care of yourself?

i dont have a lot of things i do ive realized im often... content to not. do that. but one thing i do is drinking a lot of water. if im sad or need it that day or whatever i like to spend time making my bed as comfy as possible before going to sleep. i like to do karaoke to get emotions out. i used to cook a lot more and it was great for me physically and mentally but i havent been.. so much lately. i have a lot of rules for myself that are mostly for like... idk life rules that ive just gathered over time mostly to help certain neuroses. like i really try to not entertain thoughts like... life isnt real im not real/im unhuman. for a while i also wasnt letting myself call myself any male terms in my head/on tumblr/actually speaking but then i started doing that agaain... i steal toilet paper to save money. im gonna start weight lifting again soon 💪🏻

29. Are you a kind person?

i dont know, i try to be, sure. i feel less kind now than i used to be. but also in those more "kind" times it was more that i was like. kind of like if i dont hold this door open for everyone in the world im going to get too many hell points and never go to heaven. and a lot of femalesoc kind of stuff. and so i feel meaner now that im letting myself get walked over just a little bit less. its been hard for me to... idk find the balance of kindness but also acting in my own self interest the way that men do. bc feminism

[icyfox17]

mayyyhapz 24 25 26 ? for ur ask game u reblogged ? (one thing ur proud of urself for, fave season n y, fave color n y)

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

Oohhh hmmmm I'm not sure which to choose hmMmmM

Honestly? I've been really proud of myself on this trip!! I was terrified to be away from home for a whole month. I was terrified to be in another country. Like dawg I thought I was gonna DIEEE dhfjfkd

But I've been handling it pretty well!!! I havent been nearly as homesick as I would've expected from myself and Im a lot more street smart than I originally thought. Maybe a little too paranoid at times hahaha but better to be safe!!

Oh also, I'm proud of how my social skills have developed over the years!! Bro I used to be terrified of interacting with Any stranger irl, and now it's something I actually get a lot of joy from:)) ive been socializing with ppl at the hostels and just ppl on the street. I've gained a lot more self confidence over the years!!

Also speaking on the trip, I've been trying a *lot* of new things. I've been ordering sm food I've never had before. I went to the opera because I could even tho I was worried I wouldn't enjoy it. Ive also!!!! Done cooking!!! I made dinner!! And pancakes!!! Without worrying I would die!!! That is HUGE for me, oh man Im so proud of myself for going to the grocery store and cooking.

I feel like I've done a lot of personal growth and I'm proud of that:))

25. fave season and why?

Spring!!! This used to be a hard question lmao. I used to always be like ALL OF THEMMM!!! And i DO still love each and every one of them but over the years I've learnt that spring makes me the happiest. It's a time of life. Flowers are blooming, baby animals are being born, the birds are starting to sing again. The sun is shining but not in a way that it's unbearably hot. The rain is fresh and with it comes petrichor. You get to look forward to summer and going to the beach and stuff. I just aaaaa, I love spring:))))

Autumn is a close second but as much as I love it and love the colourful leaves, the leaves are representative of death and shfjdkd i dont like the coldddnfnm😭😭

I do love autumn tho it's a close second bc i LOVE cinnamon and autumn has everythinh cinnamon. Pumpkin pie YASS pumpkin spice YASSS apple pie and apple cinnamon YASSS hot coco YAAAA hot coco WITH CINNAMON YASSSS

But yeah!! Spring just beats it out for me bc it feels more hopeful of a vibe:)

26. fave colour and why?

So blue and green have been tied for almost my whole life with blue being my default if I have to choose one. However,

One day in Discord lmfao i had my nickname colour as teal BUT my friend also had their nickname colour in teal and bc my nickname was "[friends name]'s number one fan<3" everyone kept mixing us up HDFKKFFM AND THUS. I changed my name to pastel green and then uh. That just kinda became my colour. And going forward every server I joined I made my name green. And then I started to have pfps with a character who was green coded so it reinforced rhe green theme and now like 5 years later I realised I connect way more to green than blue because of that djfkdks

Like all my clothes r green now too 😭😭

So green is!! But blue is a very close second and my fav colour combo is the two of them:))

Idk if pastel green is still my fav specifically but it's a green. of some kind LOL

For this ask game !!

[pcpink]

Havent gotten my nails or toes did or my lashes done or bought myself a new pair of shoes in forever omg i miss pampering myself and feeling cute 24/7 , this 9-5 working in scrubs and having to come home and still cook and clean drains me so much like i just need the space to work on myself but im always worrying about everyone else

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[dogstarblues]

5/20/24

today i

coped with medicine withdrawals. i went on a walk, i listened to swedish rnb (will probably post the albums later) and shared the albums with friends, and i danced while cooking (something i havent done in ages becaise i wasnt capable). i ordered donuts for lunch and a silly little drink. i wore perfume to set the mood of the day and take comfort in the softness of the smell. i made a comfort food in the morning as a migraine was building. i listened to my body and stopped dancing once my thighs started burning. i coped with anxiety, meditating and going on a walk and cleaning up. i listened to my body before today and canceled all appointments anticipating withdrawals. i found a new easy food for when my brain doesnt want to cook or i dont have energy. i sought support from a friend to help me eat. i listened to a romance novel with unhinged leads. i worked a little and stopped working when i felt like it. and i wore a cute and comfy outfit that shows a lot of skin so the sun could touch me.

lately ive been making it a loose goal in my weekly planner to prioritize myself. little by little ive been doing it.

im getting better, even with setbacks.

[sieglinde-freud]

1,3,5,6 and 15! I love women <3

hi faye!! 🩷 i already know this gonna be long hooboy

1. One of your favorite female characters?

frederica aesfrost triangle strategy. that is my GIRL. i dont know how many of you guys have played triangle strategy but me personally it changed my life. not gonna say too much because i dont wanna spoil it, but shes such a great female lead. shes basically fighting for the liberation of her people, the roselle, who the society of the game has basically condemned for no reason so if you go through her arc, you see how she deals with the pressure of having to free them, how hard it hurts to witness them in the state that theyre in, and the sacrifices she has to make to get what she wants and GOD. its so good. shes so good. also she cant fucking cook. me too girl.

3. What’s a female character you look up to?

ema skye ace attorney, specifically in aa4-6. ive never seen a character that made me go ‘GOD shes just like me fr’ like her (and apollo justice. but this isnt about him). i feel like it’s rare to see main characters like her really love something, and then FAIL pathetically at it. over and over. not that i enjoy seeing her not getting her forensic license, but it just feels so real. sometimes you love something and you’re so passionate about it but you just dont get it. and how does she react? is she still the bubbly ema you see in rfta with a “we’ll get em next time!” attitude? no!! no she’s not, she’s bitter, grumpy, snarky, dealing with the most annoying prosecutor of all time, and she’s so fucking real. be frustrated! be angry! life hands you shit cards you can be mad about how you have to play it! it’s nice seeing characters who pick themselves back up so easily, but most people arent like that and im certainly not, and seeing a character who’s just so honest about that is really refreshing. of course, she finally gets her dream in aa6, but that doesnt come without years and years of trying. in a universe where people are becoming lawyers at 18, it’s nice to see someone realistic. (im also trying to step foot into the forensic field eventually sooo… the fact that shes on the same path as me just kinda makes it hit harder, you know?)

5. A female villain you love?

pissing off both sides of the argument by calling her a villain and saying i love her but edelgard von hresvelg. before anyone says anything my favorite lord is yuri leclerc and the rest of them are equal in my heart <3 but edelgard clearly takes on more of a villain role in every route except her own, and even then she’s not entirely morally correct (duh). but i dont know. i wont say too much on your ask faye cuz i know you havent finished the other routes yet, but even when i played azure moon i couldnt bring myself to dislike her. her past with dimitri, the way she kept the dagger, and everything she reveals to you on her own path and how her past shaped her into who she is and what she wants and how she will stop at nothing to get it. i dont agree with the ends justifying the means, but i love characters who believe in that because it’s just so interesting. you want this thing so bad, nothing will stop you? your friends, your family, knowing you’re doing wrong because you think it’ll turn out right? what if it goes wrong. what if it blows up in your face? what if history remembers you as the villain forever? you’re already too deep in it i guess, so just keep going. shes so… ggrarghj. edelgard 🥹

6. A female character who got done dirty by the narrative?

athena cykes ace attorney. you’re telling me the entirety of aa5 is revolves around HER story, HER past, HER relationships, and it’s called “Phoenix Wright: Dual Destinies”? the dual, by the way, refers to apollo. and you dont even play as athena during the climax of the game, you play as phoenix and shes just WATCHING. will they redeem her in aa6? you mean “Phoenix Wright: Spirit of Justice?” you mean the game where she gets ONE case on her own and it’s a FILLER CASE? admittedly a pretty good filler case but still. god. what the hell. i get phoenix sells but if you’re make new lawyers to take on his legacy, maybe? let them do that???

15. Female character you would defend with your life?

as usual there are so many to pick from. but i think this time i’m gonna pick nyx fire emblem. now, dont get me wrong. i will not defend her design. fates’ female dark mage design is pretty bad, especially since its used on ophelia and nyx. as much as i sincerely dont think nyx looks like a child as opposed to just a pretty short young woman, it’s…. blerghh. but aside from that? i cant STAND when people say shes just generic loli bait that acts like a child. because where? WHERE? point to where in her supports she acts like a child seriously. i know in her supports with charlotte she attempts to try it, but the point is that its unnatural and uncomfortable for her to do so. she is just. not like that. she doesnt try to play around like nowi or myrrh. shes not a child in dragon years or anything. shes just an older woman stuck in the body of a younger one, and if you would just READ one support, literally any of them, you would know that. but fates haters dont read, do they? clearly not. and its just a huge disservice to the rest of her character, which i think is incredibly beautifully written. shes such a standout in fates and i cant stand people ignoring that because “waaah nowi clone!” fuck you.

[wheelie-butch]

The fact is i couldnt carry a jug of water 5m from the bathroom sink to my room just now without gasping in pain and I've been in agony all day because 5 hours of lectures is too much for me and i dont often cook a proper meal for myself bc its hard to justify using up the spoons when someone else is willing and i havent walked on grass for months and often i cant have the sex I'd like with my girlfriend bc my body needs rest and I've had to quit so many things that were really important to me and EVEN SO i am the happiest I've ever been. Life has never been so good. Every day there's so much to appreciate with my wonderful friends and loved ones and we have so much fun together ^_^ my life is better and more fulfilling than when I was abled, not because or despite of my disablity, but alongside it. It's not the narrative about disabled lives ableists preach but it's my one.

[funnycatfelix]

hii, 5 6 aaaaaand 8 *looks at you*

Hi kj grins

5. "How much do you post online vs keep to yourself" I post maybe. 5% of my art online like on websites. the other 95% i send to my friends or keep to myself, I find no joy in posting, only in creating.

6. "Anything that might inspire you subconsciously" Difficult to say... the shows i watched as a kid definitely inspire me (AT, Digimon, etc) but thats something im aware of. I've never had interest in making my drawings look exactly like someone else since liiiike. 7th grade i dont think.

8. "What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in"

THIS ONES REALLY HARD. Because I havent lost interest in any of my projects per se. I just dont want to make them real lol. I have lots of projects i've been thinking about for a long time, Joeys main story arc being presenting as media (which would be an rpg maker game), my spin-OFF (rpg maker game), my riff on friendsim with my own fantrolls (visual novel), my fanadventure (webcomic. duh), my DST custom character mod, several doll projects i've sidelined, but the oldest is definately another rpg maker game i've had in mind about an angel and her dad. that ones been in the kitchen for over 6 years and i havent cooked a damn thing. not really upset about it though, lately ive been more into just making concept stuff and having that be enough for me because it's enough to create even one thing.

[mrkis]

So I have this story I want to share cause sometimes and opinion from a "stranger" can be more helpful. 😅

Basically, yesterday I received a message from an ex-colleague of mine (havent seen/talked to him in over 2 years). I had shared a funny real about "manifesting a sugar daddy" this year and he reacted to it and then asked if I find one to ask him where he can find a sugar mama, and I totally jumped on his joke and replied, however, I didnt expect for any further communication but man did he keep going. He kinda started flirting to which I started hyperventilating cause I havent spoken to him in years and it was all happening so damn fast..😵‍💫 He started complimenting me and saying I have what it takes to catch a guy's attention, that I cook well and its a full package deal (I have brought pancakes and brownie at work before and he has eaten it). And it was both flatering but also confusing. As you can tell he was making a move on me and was very clear with his intention for a hook up, cause he kept saying how he wouldnt turn me down if I asked and what not.

The crazy part comes here - he asked me how long has it been for me since the last time I had sex since I told him I dont do hook ups and I kinda lied and said that its been 5 years since I have been single for this long, but the thing is I actually still have my V card at age 25 ... 🫣 I have some experience, like I have went 2nd base with my ex (no blowjob tho) but still back then I didnt feel comfortable with him to go all the way so nothing ever really happened.

Dont get me wrong, Im not ashamed of being a virgin, but I am tired of the fear of admitting it to dudes, cause society has made it to be a bad thing when its not. Anyway, you can imagine how shocked he was at that and he even asked if at least I "help myself with the stress" and obviously I do, so there is that, but despite me saying I cant do one night stands because of this moral boundary he kinda kept going on how I should try it at least so that I dont regret it later in life and mentioned he wanted to "make me an offer". To that I said he is kinda late, cause well we dont even live in the same city anymore (I moved) and I also said that we can meet up for coffee but I cant give him what he wants from me. He was respectful of it, thank god, but my brain is my own villain. I now overthink shit and feel like I made a good and bad decision at once, cause horny me really wants to have sex and mind you I have always been sexually attracted to him. I had a crush on him for a month back in 2020 which was awoken because of a sex dream I had. I think he also had a crush on me later that year cause he kinda sorta asked me out to dinner during work but I thought it was a joke and reacted to it like a fucking loser (in my defense I was also on a call with a client /call center job). So we do have history, I also think we've always had this sexual energy and frustration but neither acted on it until well yesterday.

Moral me is saying I did the right choice, cause I want my first time to be with someone special and to mean sth, not be a hook up. Horny me is mad cause I was basically offered dick on a silver plate and said no ... 😩🙃

Sorry to drop this on you Cas, but I feel so comfortable sharing this with you 😅 I guess this blog is my safety place in so many aspects. ❤️

Also, how you doing, lovely? ❤️

for starters, his approach was kinda odd straight off the bat. don’t get me wrong, i’ve had conversations with people i haven’t talked to in awhile abt random shit and joked around with memes and whatnot, but the fact that you haven’t spoken in two years and he went into this conversation asking such personal questions rubs me the wrong way completely.

compliments are great, sometimes you cant go wrong with them and they do make you feel great, but the fact he was complimenting you just for a potential hookup is where it gets gross. there was…. no need, whatsoever. it shocks me how he was moving the conversation so fast lmao.

him asking abt the last time you’ve had sex is so…. eh. ew. sorry. it is. like, he doesn’t need to know this!!! at all!!! and it’s completely ok to be a virgin at whatever age. society shouldn’t shame people who are, it’s so silly. it has nothing to do with them. you shouldn’t be afraid of admitting it either, but of course that’s easier said than done. but trust me when i say that people (men, in your case) actually don’t give a shit abt whether you’re a virgin or not. you may think they do due to how society treats it, but they do not care. before i lost my virginity and was talking to this guy i liked, i had to admit that i was a virgin because i was scared of our relationship going further and that he might expect something from me. and he just looked at me like 🤨 and went “that’s ok? idc, it doesn’t bother me”. they don’t care! i promise! and if they do, they can go fuck themselves

“help yourself with the stress” what are these questions he’s asking😐 im so baffled rn. truly. this is unbelievable. and hold on….. tf does he mean abt “you might regret it later in life”??? what??? not experiencing a one-night stand??? tf??? why would he think you might regret something like that when you’ve made it perfectly clear you’re not into stuff like that🤨 crazy fucking behaviour.

personally, i think you made a good decision. because even though that turned on, horny side of you is wanting to have sex, that’s not exactly the real you, yk? you, normally, just wants to wait for that special someone that you connect with and that’s completely ok. you can wait for as long as you please. you control it. nobody else, please remember that.

and don’t feel sorry abt dropping this on me. i’m happy i can be some sort of safe space. you, and anyone else who is comfortable, can always come to me and vent/rant. i truly don’t mind. i’m all ears🖤

and i’m ok!!! i’ve been in my head recently and overthinking my own stuff and putting myself in bad moods but that’s my fault completely😭 i’m hoping that this new therapist i’m getting will be of help because when i get comfortable, they’re gonna hear some shit😭😭