#and i havent been participating bcs of low motivation

[astralisstar]

okay i'm sleeping cuz, unfortunately, i have school in 8 hours </3 (school starts at 8:00 am)

night!!

[coconox]

honestly been going back and forth w myself on a lot of things lately attaching a read more for the sake of ik i'll be rambling like theres no tmr

a part of me wants to drop pnc but i havent really gotten everyone i wanted yet + im broke so i need to build my stash up *looks at clotho and eos* oddly enough pnc has been a game ive been pretty happy on playing still hate how i missed a login day tho tbf ive rarely borderline never interacted w the fandom so me just being in the dark w what goes on there has kinda been a blessing and a curse in a sense that i can enjoy the game in peace but it feels like im alone doing so

pgr im really REALLY tempted on dropping my glb acc, once nocti comes around which will prob be around the end of the school yr for me thats where i'd be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ welp ig im done and drop that acc after playing around w nocti and whatev. tw im still not too sure abt?? prob when i get around to lvling up my main teams i can be like ok im done and drop that at any time since im just there to experience content ahead of time without being in cn directly

before dropping pgr entirely i do wanna complete a few stuff i had in mind tho

countdown for hyperreal which will prob happen bambi patch

still need to finish that nocti countdown for tw ive barely had any motivation completing that

nocti's bday countdown (similar to how lee's went)

glb nocti's countdown

draw every char up to latest one in cn

a few noctiskk comics thats been in the back of my head for MONTHS now

basically LOTS of countdowns and nocti stuff before i drop everything entirely

will i still draw pgr stuff after all that? mayyybeee???? itll moreso be towards kye's lore building rather than it being a standalone thing. i'll still collect merch and build up my shrines and make cosplay for chars but aside from that i'm pretty much gonna be moving on to other things

ive always had 50/50 feelings w being in the pgr fandom, tho being introduced to it on disc and then going to twt may have affected my views on this whole thing. esp when the side of the fandom i was first introduced to is like the lowest of the low, i dont want to go back to a place where a bunch of dudebro incels made fun of me for being afab and liking lee and me thinking that was a norm when it clearly isnt. its been 2 goddamn yrs and theyre still poking fun at that?? like my god grow up im so sick and tired of it.

if by a slim chance i still want to participate in being in the pgr fandom i'll just go back to lurking like ive always done in prev fandoms, if i really wanna be active in talking abt the game i'll talk abt it in servers or dms, but publicly i felt that i could never really comfortably talk abt how i feel abt it aside from here cause this site >>>>>> bc i felt like my opinions arent valid, tho that really applies to anything i do so 💀💀

pgr has been a really nice game for me to destress and detach myself from reality for a bit, tho now i wanna move on to other games and focus more on my ocs like i did back in the day. once i properly set up everyone's lore doc maybe in the future i'll make a game around them, nothing too big since i'll pretty much be making most of it, but i kinda wanna fulfill my childhood dream that was just recently unlocked

theres also that small part of me that wants to be known for my oc stuff rather than pgr stuff, but bc im not tagging w popular art tags im kinda just existing, and thats fine by me. hitting 500+ follows on twt was like peak realization of me going like "oh shit, 😨 maybe this big of a following aint for me" and it truly isnt lol

[ayyponine]

good final result shit

bc i need to self-affirm and also i didnt mention this before

first of all i passed fr all my courses in the first place thats p neat

we had teaching practise at three diff schools this past year - first was really bad, second was really good, third went from really REALLY bad to pretty good so i passed and my teacher even took me aside to low key give me kudos fr getting through that shit. we mailed a bit after as well and again shes like “i hope this will motivate you fr next year bc you did really well etc etc” tldr she’s a gem and imma miss having her as a teacher.

she also left some gr8 comments on my online portfolio where i posted all my english essays god bless

i had to help a girl with her homework and only did 12 hrs while i shouldve done 20 but i guess bc a lot of shit happened which i couldnt help, i showed dedication (skipping classes on the romantics n gothics, victorian era and jane eyre aka shit that was interesting as FUCK) and my kid made good progress i still passed that subject so lol byee (no extra tasks here)

i havent heard frm my girl maybe i should contact her n be like SO HOW WERE YR EXAMS DID YOU PASS HOW U FEELIN except maybe she doesnt want to tell me so hmm idk bout this just yet

fr one subject we had to make a cultural portfolio of outings to a museum, play, movie, musical performance etc etc and then talk about it and present some kind of personal final product so while a lot of people wrote a poem i drew/painted a poster for the movie i saw and got an 18/20 which is the highest grade i got for anything this semester B)) noice

for religion/philosophy etc i had to write an essay and turns out in the end i only got 10/20 but like?? thats enough to pass so yeah im a lil bitter bc i wrote a p good essay and had insightful comments n good participation in our philosophical reading groups plus while analysing a movie we saw but honestly. 10/20 is still a pass so eh fuck it im tryna let it go. just trying to be proud of my skills @ symbolism spotting n shit like that

fr one task i didnt read the assignment that carefully so i discussed youth lit instead of a novel. teacher said it was a rlly good analysis either way so i still got a high score

do yall even know how much i lucked out on this one group exam i had… we had to present a group task we’d been working on fr months except we’d each get a few questions which determined who would do which part so prepping for it was just like??? study everything, good luck. we drew two questions each (bc there were two main parts we had to explain) and both times i was supposed to go last. so this meant i could just listen to what the others said, summarise, refer back to their examples, plus i got some extra questions and i thoroughly knew the syllabus so that was like B)) no probert robert my score was just fine

my oral exams were pretty fuckn great in general i knew my shit so well. the thought of having to go through resits stresses me out so much i always just power through my fukn exams so i dont have to do that shit a second time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

for creative writing i continued having A′s n B’s only and i’ve discovered a love fr blackout poetry. good shit thanks

i’d handed in a task where i had to find and discuss newspaper articles, linking them to five diff sociocultural anthropologists. got a 16/20 and “sharp analyses!” comment. confession time i had a blast writing this just pointing out the issues in intercultural bonding but i had only read two out of five articles i’d picked, just sort of skimming the rest. one article i only read the headline of bc the actual text was too confusing with a bunch of difficult words referring to ideologies id never even heard of so i didnt even fucking bother. but thanks! my relief on the exam when the teacher said she hadnt read the tasks yet was too real i was so worried she’d want to discuss my work in depth like BOY

[si--ha]

depression posting

i’ve hit a low point in my life recently.  am doing a bit better but lately i do feel very apathetic.  nothing seems fun anymore and i feel so tired all the time.  also my dumb ass brain is so fuzzy lately.  i ran a red light earlier :c  nothing happened but god it’s so embarrassing... 

i only have 4 more weeks of college and then im graduating (i’ll eventually go back but it’ll be online and i’ll only take 2-3 classes per semester).  but these next 4 weeks are giving me bad anxiety.  im nervous about my class tomorrow bc i skipped it the past 2 meetings.  we have a stupid play next week.  i’ll just bring in some food but im probably getting a bad grade bc i didnt participate as much as i should.  and then i have to make an 80 on both of my review finals to pass the class and get my degree.  i havent been motivated to study all semester.

im also still in debt after all these months.  i pay off most of my bill but then shit happens and i have to charge again.  i ran out of my scholarship money and had to pay 100$ out of pocket.  

i feel guilty for not visiting the place im interning at but im so anxious and stressed about it.  it’s so irrational...

but im planning on taking a few months off and starting my internship around early to mid march.  im going to try not to be ashamed of living with my parents until im 24.  i just want to wait until im ready for actual employment in my field before i leave home.  

during the months i take off, i plan to:

-visit my first 2 european countries:  the netherlands and belgium

-get in shape and start eating healthier

-do more fun things.  travel with my friends, go to cool restaurants, go on short trips

-do small things to make me feel better like treating myself to a massage, going to spas, getting my hair done.

-work more often and make lots of money i can spend on myself

-read more/learn more interesting things.  took a quiz earlier to see if i could name all 196 countries and only got 115...i want to study and 

i also want to go back to how i was a couple of years ago.  i used to be a lot more positive and happy.  i want to adjust my thinking and be less of a bitter bitch

i thought it’d be nice to write my thoughts down.  i just need to power through the next week and a half and then things will get better