#and i have a solution for a similar exercise and it doesnt make any sense!!!

[relto]

honestly rng can go fuck itself. cloud and nalyx had four eggs and ALL hatchlings are facet.

[chooserecovery]

I have major depression, but my mom refuses it. I self harm al too much and im afraid of recovery if that makes sense. Idk who I'll even be. Im not allowed to see a therapist acc. To my mom. Im not allowed meds. I have anxiety attacks, especially at church. My mom doesnt care. Do you have any advice or am I just a lost cause? How do I stop? How can I get better? Im so confused.

You’re not a lost cause. There is always going to be an opportunity to try to improve things in your life and to help yourself cope in less destructive ways. There will always be another chance, as long as you are alive, to try to make things better. Even if you don’t feel like you can get all the way there right now.

It makes perfect sense to be afraid of recovery. With self harm being largely used as a coping tool, stopping can feel like throwing away your life raft when you’re in the middle of the ocean. And things like mental illness affect so many aspects of one’s life that a lot of people end up feeling like it’s all that they have. Even if you’re not at that stage, when something affects so many of your thoughts, actions, and abilities, it’s hard not to feel like getting rid of it, in this case recovering, would be like completely changing who you are as a person. And it’s pretty normal to be scared of change. 

I’m assuming that you’re a minor or otherwise reliant on your parents. It’s a crap situation for the people you’re relying on to be unwilling to help you to seek the help that you need. However, you are presumably not always going to be in this situation. You will be able to get out of there and seek help if you feel like you need to. But in the meantime, here are a few things that might be able to help you cope:

First off, if you feel an anxiety attack coming on, try things like grounding exercises. One that frequently seems to end up being people’s favorite is to try to name things that are affecting each of your senses at that moment. For example, if I were to do it right now it might sound like, “I can feel the rub of the fabric of my clothes against my skin, hair brushing across my ears as I turn my head, and the weight of my body in my chair. I can hear jazz music from the living room, car doors slamming outside as the neighbors are coming home, and the clacking of my keyboard as I type. I can smell leftover pizza and smoke from the incense burning next to me.” 

You can go on for as long as you need to, giving items for every sense, etc. You can do this out loud, in your head, or write it down on paper. It is very effective for many people in helping redirect attention to the present moment and off of whatever train of thought the anxiety is going down.

Alternately, if you’re near a sink, sometimes splashing cold water on your face can help to stop an anxiety attack by engaging a different part of your brain.

Another thing that can be helpful for some people is to try to acknowledge that you’re feeling anxious. A lot of people, when trying to stop an anxiety response, will just try to do their best to stomp it down. Often that doesn’t do much of anything. Instead, sometimes just looking at that thought and going “Yes, okay, I see that I am feeling this way, but I am going to do this other thing right now, and I can worry about that later” is actually enough to let you refocus your attention onto what else you need to do.

Of course, doing things like noticing before the anxiety really starts can mean paying more attention to your thoughts than a lot of people are really used to. Every once in a while, try to just do a quick checkin on what you’re thinking about and what you’re feeling. You may even consider setting an alarm to remind you to do this. Once the alarm goes off, just spend a minute or two trying to consciously look at what you’re thinking about, what you’re feeling in your body, etc. This can help you get a better feel for where you are mentally and if you might need to take a minute to step back and calm yourself down before things get worse.

If the anxiety attack has already started, then sometimes being able to get your breathing under control will allow you to end it quickly. There are different variants of breathing exercises, and you can also find videos and images on the internet that give you a set rhythm to breathe to so that you won’t have to try to keep count yourself. Personally, I’ve found in for a count of 4, hold 7, exhale 8 for a few rounds o breath has been super helpful, but different ones seem to work better for different, people, so tr poking around on the internet and try a few to see how they work for you. As you’re doing this, you may also want to try mentally scanning your body; odds are good that the anxiety is making you tense up most of your muscles, which also reinforces those anxious feelings. If you can consciously try to relax your muscles, it can sometimes take some of the power away from the anxiety.

I’ve also personally found it helpful to try to redirect all of my focus onto the physical sensations of anxiety. I don’t know if this is commonly a helpful thing or if I’m just abnormally interested in how bodies work, but rather than letting myself get carried away by the panic-spiraling thoughts, I’ll instead pay attention to how the increased pace of my heart feels, or what areas of my body seem to feel warmer or cooler than usual, what areas of my body are tense, etc. It’s similar to the suggestion above of tring to list the various things that you’re senseing, but instead of focusing on outside things, it is focusing specifically on what is happening in your body. 

You may also want to see if certain objects make you feel a bit more comfortable. From the way that this ask is written, it sounds like you don’t have much of a choice about going to church or into other triggering environments. However, if there is anything that makes you feel more safe, then it may make thos environments more tolerable. This could be something like a fidget toy for example, or long sleeves which often seem to help. You know yourself best, so you’d have the best ideas for what might work for you.

Finally, for the self harm, usually it seems that the self harm happens because of some other need that isn’t being met, or feeling that isn’t being addressed. In your case, it may be a way of dealing with the anxiety, in which case finding other ways to cope with the anxiety may help you decrease the sef harm, as well. Other times it might be because you just need to feel better, in which case you may try something that would cause an endorphin release (exercise, eating chocolate, eating spicy food, trying to find something that will make you laugh) or something that makes you feel comforted, like a bath or watching an old favorite movie.

In general, just try to learn to pay attention to what it is that you need. Sometimes certain feelings can be so overwhelming that it’s hard to see past them enough to see what it is that we actually need, but as you get more practice at it, it gets easier to figure out what you need to do.

Also, consider setting up a space online where you can talk about what you’re going through. There are various online communities for people who self harm, etc. where you can have ongoing conversations and often act as a sort of support group for one another, which many people find very helpful.

And if you feel like you are in crisis mode, here is a list of hotlines that you can call. They aren’t generally great long-term solutions, but if you need someone to talk to immediately, they’re generally available.

Good luck, anon. I hope you find something that helps,

–Luke