#and i hate how interconnected my trauma is with scp

[sexycontainmentprocedures]

I seriously just can't fucking go to a counselor again. I've looked and I even called one person who didn't call back and I was secretly relieved she didn't. Like I feel bad about it because there are people who expect me to and some of those ppl aren't shitty. but the way the whole psych industry funnels back into those fucking hospitals is terrifying and I can't get near it. Literally all of them are willing to put you in a psych ward if they arbitrarily decide you're ~a risk to yourself~ and I just cannot allow myself to get in a situation where I'm any tiny little bit closer to being back in one of those places. Like there is literally no fucking guarantee there won't be another fucking creep on hospital staff and even though I'm transitioned now, I doubt just being pre-T was the only reason it happened in the hospital in 2017. And it's not even just the possibility of that exact thing happening, it's just the whole notion of being in that goddamn environment again. Newsflash it's impossible to feel healing things when you're being treated like a prisoner lmfao we learned this same shit from fiction as we know

Like. There's way too much for me to be able to afford to tell a counselor anyway when it comes to hourly rates adding up each time, but that ain't even the half of it. I'm never going to open up to someone whose policies hold "oh btw I can take your rights away if I personally think you're fucked up enough" over my head the entire time I'm talking. I literally just hate authority so much at this point, like I hate the way some humans are like "actually I'm better than everyone so I'll put myself in this position of power, it's totally just To Help People tho" like I get that some counselors are good ppl but I'm saying I hate the system they're a part of

I also don't like the implication that I'm "the sick one" and all these people who know me are waiting for me to "get better" when some of them do and say some totally sick shit themselves. Or blatantly lie about and gaslight me as if my screenshots don't exist, blah blah blah you get the picture. Like there can only be so much toxic waste in MY barrels dawg, look in your own sometime just like I had to look in mine. I don't even want to keep some of these people in my lives, they don't technically seem to want me in theirs they just want to berate me, and yet I'm supposed to just do whatever they want? Or else what, they'll sic the SC/P community on me again? It's becoming hard to even fucking care even though I can feel that a part of me does

edit: I think this post might be a little confusing, sorry -- to be clear, I don't have a counselor right now, haven't had one since my ex and I went to one together in the beginning of 2018, and I'm saying I'm too scared to see one again because of the whole potential hospitalization thing. (and on that, I'm not actually a risk to myself, I've just been in a situation before where I was told i didn't know if I was a risk to myself or not and was hospitalized explicitly against my will, so I don't trust a new counselor not to do the same bullshit since their policies allow it)