#and i had all cold damage and fire resistance stuff for the mages. and then the rift fight here has despair demons fml

[danielnelsen]

wooow it's my favourite part of the game

[bramblesramblesintoshambles]

The Eclipse Dungeon (Part IV)

This will likely be the last of these posts, it took me a little time to create a map of this area. I also had to settle on monster levels for this area as well as determine what monsters to use. To start I'm going to talk about some narrative stuff to do with this dungeon. Advise on healing, communicate expectations for this part as it is meant to be a boss battle. Again, I'm not very experienced in all this and while I'm looking forward to someday using this I've not had a chance to yet. So please, any feedback would be lovely!

-Art from Black Miners Museum.

The Calm Before The Storm

After completing all three puzzles, and defeating the animated armour sets, your party will find the third barrier is gone. Specific details of its appearance or design should be up to the game master running this adventure. However, I'd advise describing it as a large set of doors which were once blocked and now are free to open. They have not opened by themselves. Keeping these closed allows players a moment to think tactically, perhaps take a Quick Heal depending on their current HP and other factors. Before they open this door, be sure to describe how a new message has appeared above it. Characters who translated the script above the entrance to the first maze have advantage on this. Otherwise translation requires an Intelligence/Wisdom check, adding any applicable backgrounds, with a normal (11+) level of challenge. Skills which would be sensible are any relating to ancient history, languages, cultures, myths, etc. Again, those of human and elf lineage (or those with the linguist feat) only require a 6+ to succeed. If translated the message reads: "Long ago the moon clung to the sun and plunged a kingdom into darkness". A failure only grants them any words shared from the previous translation (if they succeeded on that check).

-Art taken from Dungeon Solvers.

This is also a good time to check in with your players, some like touch upon their one unique thing and how it relates to their circumstances. A young woman prophesised to defeat the Lich might be seeking arcane secrets to aid in her task, information on her foe from lost civilisations. An older man seeking glory might recall how his childhood friends all left to make their fortune and consider he may just catch up to them yet. A person of indeterminant age might worry about the village relying upon them for one mysterious reason or another and find the resolve to grow stronger. At this point ask each to roll for their Icon relationships. Successes may allow the GM to give pieces of mechanical advice sprinkled through role play of recalled conversations. It's relatively easy to offer a mechanical benefit otherwise. Such as +1 to attacks against Mooks. Or advantage on Saves, or attempts to Disengage. However, at this point, your players should be ready to step through that door.

The Eclipse Queen

Players will find themselves in a long hallway, wider than those of the mazes or labyrinth. As they move down it, on the walls are images of a fierce battle. On one wall The Eclipse King, in his reanimated glory, stands ready to face legions. The other wall depicts The Eclipse Queen, as she puppets the armour of those sent to defeat her. This stretches on for a two minute walk, the walls only depicting further soldiers, archers, mages. Two nations worth of combatants combined into a singular force to defeat them. The last third, however, is different. Rain pours down from the ceiling above (all in the rain are Vulnerable 1 to Cold and Lightning damage and have Resistance 4 to Fire damage). One path, which grows ever narrower is to the left. Another, guarded by various pieces on animated armour is to the right. Beyond these she guards a gilded door, The Eclipse Queen, ready to do battle once more.

So starting with the rough distances of this space. Generally from the start of the battle map they could not reach the second purple heart with a move action. The first is considered close and can be engaged with easily. The second is nearby and could be reached with a move action. The rest follow this logic, being far away or beyond this. Thankfully there are two solutions to this in the form of two paths towards The Eclipse Queen.

The path on the left requires you to move single file. Attempting to move ahead of your allies pushes them aside into the water. A move action can take you to the end of one section, given that characters have to move carefully. The next section requires a Dexterity check, adding applicable skills, to walk across and requires a 7+ to succeed. The section after that requires the same check with a 14+ now needed to be successful. However, from the end of the second section The Eclipse Queen is considered far away (within range of spellcasting). Additionally, the animated suits of armour cannot balance on these narrow walkways. Falling into the water causes you to become waterlogged and gain Vulnerable 3 to Lightning or Cold damage, until the end of the battle. However they also gain Resistance 8 to Fire damage. After falling, a character can use their move action on their next turn to climb back on but until then they are hampered. Out of combat characters can navigate these sections easily, taking their time to cross them at their leisure.

The right is vastly more simple, as players can pass by one another without pushing each other into water. They simply have to fight the mooks which block their path. These are more animated suits of armour, which will begin to approach players they can reach. Unlike previous animated armour these are Mooks with a Monster Level 1. Use the table below for their stats. I'd also advise giving them immunities to various conditions as discussed previously, however is the mechanics of these can be reasonably explained there's little need. Additionally, these are Vulnerable 2 to Thunder damage. In terms of appearance, they are a blend of silver plate and brass mail. If descriptions of such armour are included in the description of the first maze they should be described as similar if blood stained and foul smelling. Beyond that you should be good to go for these!

-Image from 13th Age SRD webpage.

Beyond these smaller enemies is The Eclipse Queen. She wears a pale silk dress which clings to her slender body in the rain, over this is silver plate armour. When approached she will say in archaic elvish: "We will not be parted" before attacking. She uses the same stats as a Drow Spider-Mage. However it would be accurate and appropriate to rename her to a Drow Puppet Mage. Several abilities in the stats below will be renamed or altered to help her feel unique. If an alteration is not mentioned or described, assume it follows the stats below. It is important to offer a reminder that all creatures in this area have the vulnerabilities and resistance from the rain in this room.

-Image from the 13th Age SRD webpage.

These are all the things which must be changed:

In order the changes for marked out sections are as follows:

Puppet-Mage

Eclipse Fire

Holy Damage

Eclipse Damage

Crashing Wave

On a hit targets take 5 damage and are pushed 5 feet in a direction of your choice. If used when the escalation die is odd this is once per battle, if used on an even escalation then it's at will.

Puppet-Mage

Puppet-Mage

Puppet Master: Any time an enemy targets the puppet-mage with a melee attack a nearby, unengaged, puppet can move and attack the enemy as a free action.

(Additionally) The Puppet-Mage should have access to Ray of Frost as a 1st Level Spell.

(Additionally) If the Puppet-Mage has no puppets as a free action once per battle she can make 1d4+1 puppets.

(Additionally) As a Drow, The Eclipse Queen has "Take Advantage of Weakness" to deal the level of an enemy in damage whenever they roll a save.

Animated suits of armour count as her puppets.

-Art by Nikki Dawes, taken from The Critical Role Fandom Wiki.

Hopefully, everyone survives this battle. Those who do will naturally gather around the body of their enemy. Only to find their resolve broken as a door behind her opens.

I guess I'm doing a part V guys. Hopefully that will be the last one!

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #139: Cleopatra

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re making the last queen of Egypt, Cleopatra! She’s a Divine Soul Sorcerer for some Pharaoh flavoring, and a Battle Smith Artificer for a giant metal snake and vast material wealth from your empire.

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: Is it bad if the mad Vlad’s MAD or is a MAD mad Vlad just sad?

Race and Background

With the blood of the gods in your veins and the lack of restraint for your snake’s attacks, you make a good Scourge Aasimar. This gives you +1 Intelligence (thanks, Tasha) and +2 Charisma. You also get some Darkvision, Celestial Resistance to necrotic and radiant damage, the Light cantrip, and Healing Hands. Once per long rest, you can touch a creature as an action, healing it a number of hit points equal to your level.

Like a lot of pharaohs, you’re a Noble at the very least, giving you proficiency with Persuasion, and we’re swapping history for Religion here.

Ability Scores

As a cunning negotiator and shrewd businesswoman, your Intelligence has to be pretty high. Your manifestation has also been affected by rumors of your effect on men, so Charisma is next. Your Wisdom is also pretty good, can’t be a businesswoman without a good insight check. Your Dexterity isn’t amazing, but knowing how to not die is useful. Your Constitution’s pretty bad, but we’re dumping Strength instead. You’ve got armies for that.

Class Levels

1. Artificer 1: I know artificers usually make their stuff, but hey, nobody said you couldn’t have a trade-based artificer. Your empire’s pretty big, finding a bag of holding won’t be that hard.

First level artificers get Magical Tinkering, letting you add minor magical effects to small objects, basically your version of prestidigitation. You also learn Spells that you can cast and prepare using your Intelligence.

When you start as an Artificer, you also get proficiency with Constitution and Intelligence saves, as well as History and Perception. 

You get some cantrips, like Message to sneak notes to your advisors, and Create Bonfire, because you’re the goddess of magic, you do what you want.

For first level spells, I’d suggest Cure Wounds to deal with your snake issues, Detect Magic to find the best deals on magic nonsense, and Feather Fall. Later on, that last one will be your giant flying snake breaking your fall, but feel free to use it earlier if necessary.

2. Sorcerer 1: First level divine sorcerers can learn Spells that use Charisma to cast. Thanks to your magical origin, you also know Divine Magic, giving you access to the cleric spell list and a freebie in Cure Wound. Hey, it frees up a prep slot. You’re also Favored by the Gods, letting you add 2d4 to a save or attack roll once per short rest. You’re a god, you do what you want.

For spells, Friends,  Thaumaturgy, Minor Illusion and Charm Person will be useful for navigating court, while Frostbite and Mage Armor will be much more helpful once things get busy.

3. Sorcerer 2: Second level sorcerers are Fonts of Magic, giving you a number of sorcery points per long rest equal to your sorcerer level. Your Radiant Consumption also kicks in this level, letting you spend an action to transform your self for a minute. While transformed, you shine with bright light for 10 feet and dim light for another 10, and at the end of each turn you deal half your level in radiant damage to everything around you. You also deal extra radiant damage once per turn to something you hit with an attack or spell equal to your entire level. You can do this once per long rest. Your snake ain’t too picky with what it hits, but it hits nonetheless. 

You also learn Comprehend Languages, because people tend to be more honest when they don’t know you understand them.

4. Sorcerer 3: Third level sorcerers get Metamagic, ways to customize their magic using sorcery points. Subtle Spell lets you cast magic without making it obvious, and Twinned Spell lets you make the most of your spell slots by basically casting a single-target spell twice over.

You also learn the spell Detect Thoughts. Strategy’s well and good, but nothing beats knowing your opponents’ next moves before they do.

5. Sorcerer 4: Use your first Ability Score Increase to grab the Tough feat. Sorcerer hp dice are not your friend, but this spell will give you an extra +2 HP each level, retroactively too.

You also learn Dancing Lights for more holy nonsense, and Enhance Ability to do what you want, giving you (or target creature) advantage on one kind of ability check.

6. Sorcerer 5: Fifth level sorcerers can use their sorcery points on some Magical Guidance to re-roll a failed ability check.  Once again, you do what you want.

For your last sorcerer spell, grab Bestow Curse for a little pre-mummification mummy magic. This is one of those “have fun with it” spells, so feel free to make it wild.

7. Artificer 2: With who you are out of the way, let’s get back to what you do. As a second level artificer you know how to trade for Infused Items, magic items you can make at the end of a long rest. You learn four now, but you can only use two at the same time. Enhanced Weapon will work well with next level’s features, but Enhanced Arcane Focus will make your magic stronger now. Mind Sharpener lets you keep your concentration when you get hit, and Bag of Holding is just really useful.

8. Artificer 3: As a Battle Smith, you are Battle Ready, giving you proficiency with martial weapons, and you can use your intelligence instead of strength when using a magical weapon. You also learn how to build your Steel Defender, a medium sized construct that uses your bonus action to command. It can attack creatures, or defend party members. Rules as written it has to have two or four legs, but snakes are cool, so I’d allow it. 

You also learn your first specialty spells, Heroism and Shield, for more survivability. 

9. Artificer 4: Use this ASI to become a Martial Adept, giving you one superiority die (1d6) per short rest. You can use it in one of two ways- Commander’s Strike lets you ignore one of your attacks and your bonus action to let another creature attack as a reaction instead, adding the die to their damage. Alternatively, your Tactical Assessment adds the d6 to an Investigation, History, or Insight check you make instead.

10. Artificer 5: Fifth level battle smiths get an Extra Attack per attack action, and they can now cast second level spells. Your specialty spells are Branding Smite and Warding Bond, neither of which are particularly useful for Cleopatra. Instead I’d suggest Levitate to get the full Giant Metal Snake Coiling Around You effect, and Protection from Poison. As a noble, that’ll probably come in handy a lot.

11. Artificer 6: Sixth level artificers gain Expertise with all tool checks, doubling their proficiency. You’re royalty, you had a lot of free time. You also learn the Mending cantrip to heal your snake in a vain attempt to make it stop biting you, and you get two more infusions. Spell-Refueling Ring will help you recharge those spell slots/sorcery points, and the Eyes of Charming help you save on slots by using an item instead.

12. Artificer 7: By seventh level, your Flashes of Genius let you use your reaction to add your intelligence modifier to a check or save happening within 30 feet of you. You can use this a number of times per long rest equal to your intelligence modifier.

13. Artificer 8: Speaking of your intelligence, use this ASI to bump that up a bit for stronger spells, attacks, and more flashes of genius.

14. Artificer 9: At ninth level your Steel Defender grows even stronger, thanks to its Arcane Jolt. When you hit a creature, either with a magical weapon or your Uraeus Astrape, you can either a, deal extra force damage to it, or b, heal a nearby creature. You can do this once per turn, a number of times per long rest equal to your intelligence modifier.

You also get third level spell now! Your specialty spells are Aura of Vitality, leaning into your Isis-ness to heal people as a bonus action, and Conjure Barrage for when you’re fighting something that won’t stay put. You could also use Fly on your snake to give it some extra mobility, or Intellect Fortress to give long lasting resistance to psychic damage and advantage on intelligence, wisdom, and charisma saves. You’re the queen, you do what you want.

15. Artificer 10: Tenth level artificers are Magic Item Adepts, letting you attune an additional magic item and crafting a common/uncommon item takes 1/4 the time and 1/2 the gold. 

You can also trade for two more infusions now. The Ring of Mind Shielding will protect your brain even more, making you immune to having your thoughts read, any sort of lie detection, or knowing your alignment/creature type. it also lets you possess the ring if you die while wearing it! You could also get the Cloak of Protection, giving you +1 AC and +1 to all your saves.

16. Artificer 11: At eleventh level you can make Spell-Storing Items, weapons or other hand-held items that can hold spells for other people to use. They store a 1st or second level spell to put in it at the end of a long rest, and then other creatures can cast that spell using the item a number of times equal to twice your intelligence modifier. It uses your intelligence, but the caster’s concentration. You can also only have one object used like this at a time.

17. Artificer 12: Use your last ASI to bring up your Charisma for stronger sorcery spells.

18. Artificer 13: At long last, you can use fourth level spells! Your specialties are Aura of Purity, protecting creatures around you from disease, poison, and status effects for the duration. You also learn Fire Shield, which gives you resistance to cold or fire damage, and deals damage to attackers of the opposite type. Again it’s not super in character, but you’re the god of magic, what do you care.

For additional spells, Fabricate and Stone Shape will let you construct great works over time, and Summon Construct will bring in another giant metal snake to make sure the first one doesn’t get too uppity.

19. Artificer 14: Fourteenth level artificers are Magic Item Savants, giving you yet another attunement slot and you can ignore all restrictions when using magic items.

You also learn Guidance as your last cantrip, and get your last infusions. The Bracers of Defense give you +2 AC, or the Ring of Protection can give you +1 AC and +1 to all your saves. Trying to get a Golden Rule going is tough when all your ability points got put into your soft stats.

20. Artificer 15: Our capstone level gives you Improved Defender, increasing the severity of your Arcane Jolt, making your snake just a bit tougher, and giving it a way of dealing damage while also protecting your party.

Pros:

Thanks to your divine favors, magical guidance, and flashes of insight, you’re awfully good at cheating the odds with your saves and checks. Basically, if you really need to get something done, you can do it.

With multiple people on the battlefield and a variety of goodies to hand out to your party, you are great at supporting your party. 

With your high intelligence and charisma, you can control social situations easily, especially when you mix in your mind-reading abilities.

Cons:

If you ever fall into an anti-magic zone/exist at low levels you’ll find your AC very lacking, especially given your HP. Basically, hope your snake helps out.

Speaking of your snake, using it and your radiant consumption at the same time makes things complicated. I know the flavor is your snake is hitting you, but really you’re hitting your snake, and it doesn’t get resistance like you do.

Our tiny multiclass into sorcerer gives you a lot of flexibility and stealth options, but it means you have limited sorcery points. Thankfully, your sorcerer features don’t bother with your points, so it’s not game breaking for you.

[bubblemoon66]

@onelassieandherfandoms wanted me to answer these OTP questions for vilekyrie. Since some of the questions would be pretty hard to answer in detail with canon Valkyrie and VIle, I’ve created a spy AU to make it work. It’s based on the Leibniz dimension rather than the main one. You don’t have to read the background info if you don’t want to but I thought it would be fun to include.

Background: 

Mortal-born mage Valkyrie Cain finds a job as a clerk at Mevolent’s palace so she can send battle plans and other useful information back to the resistance. Lord Vile finds out what the new clerk is up to within weeks but doesn’t let on to her or anyone else. He’s all for giving the resistance a fighting chance because if there was no resistance he’d get bored very quickly. So, he subtly helps her climb ranks in the palace, figuring someone else will catch her before she does any real damage. 

The two start spending more and more time together. For Valkyrie it’s a means to an end - getting close to one of Mevolent's generals means she gets access to a lot of confidential information. For Vile it's a form of morbid entertainment - he knows she'll get caught eventually, but there's something captivating about her and he wants to see this play out. Their relationship starts off as somewhat antagonistic. They're both aware they're enemies but they're trying really hard to pretend they're not.. Valkyrie can't help but be Valkyrie, however, and stands up to Vile when he mistreats some of the palace servants. This impresses and pisses off Vile in equal measures because Goddamn, she's reckless. There's some sparring both, verbal and physical. Genuine feelings start to develop on both sides. Gossip about the nature of their relationship spreads like wildfire inside the Palace walls. It's not long before Valkyrie is known as Vile's pet. This comes as a mixed blessing because suddenly Valkyrie can get can away with a hell of a lot since she under Vile's protection, but it also means that she's now caught the eye of everyone in the Palace, which is not good news for a spy.  

Answered questions are under the cut:

1. Who is the one who asks crazy questions, and who is the one who tells the other to go to sleep?

Valkyrie has asked Vile some crazy questions and received a look that basically says go to sleep from Vile (it's a pretty impressive look considering he's a skull wrapped up in a helmet made of shadows). But Vile has moods these moods where he gets restless and thoughtful at the same time, and sometimes ask Valkyrie a random question, just as she's falling asleep. She'll answer it. They'll lie there in silence for a while and she'll just be the on the verge of falling asleep and he'll ask another question that we'll jerk her awake and it goes on and on... She has no idea if he's going it on purpose, but she's willing to murder him by 3 AM.

2. It is summer by the lakeside, their best friends owns the lot beside them, what shenanigans do they pull?

Even with the AU I'm struggling to make this one work. Vile’s probably closest with Vengeous, and that’s only because they’re close in rank, they're not really natural friends. They might get sent on war-related campaigns together but they’re not going to go rent a cabin by the lake any time soon. 

Vile and Valkyrie would spend time outside the palace eventually. I can’t see them summering by the lakeside, but they’d have day trips into the city (Vile delights in terrifying the pampered mages with his presence) and horse rides in the countryside (outside the city walls is the only place Valkyrie can really relax). 

Vile has the sense not to drag Valkyrie along to any executions battles involving the resistance or mortals. But he’d bring her along for things like vampire uprisings and out-of-control zombie hordes because he likes to show off and he likes watching her fight. When he gets sent on longer-term diplomatic (intimidation) missions he scrambles for excuses for her to come too. They’re not very good excuses but he gets away with it because other people have picked up on the fact that Valkyrie'ss presence tends to curb his temper. 

They’d pull shenanigans on some of these trips. It’s mostly shit-talking the rest of the court, but they do stuff like sledging down snowy hills and skinny dipping in thermal lakes too.

3. Who wants to take lots of pictures and is always smiling and who looks pissed off no matter what photo they are in?

Vile looks pissed off 100% of the time, in and out of photographs. Which is unsurprising because he is pissed off 100% of the time, it's just a matter of to what degree. Sometimes (a lot of the time) it's his overriding emotion, but sometimes it's just background noise. Valkyries the only person who can judge this with any semblance of accuracy. She thinks his emotions are obvious from his stance, the tilt of his head, and the way the shadows move - but she's the only one. Everyone else just assumes Vile is about 10 seconds away from massacring everyone in the room at any given time. Valkyrie looks pissed off about 80% of the time. The 20% is when she's either asleep or has a stupid grin on her face to wind VIle up. 

4. Who is more likely to start a fun rap battle with the other?

I wouldn't call it a fun rap battle, but Valkyrie would start one sorta-accidentally when she was pinned down by Vile in the middle of a spar. She's desperately raking her brain for a way to distract him and a way to wipe that smug look of his helmet, and the first thing she thinks of is challenging him to a battle he can never win. She regrets the challenge instantly but she's not going to back out of it. So she raps and it's terrible. Vile gives her a long look that says I'm not going to degrade myself by sinking to your level. She's committed now, so she breaks out a few more devastating (in the wrong way) rhymes, knowing Vile can't bear to lose. He mutters something in Gaeilge that don't even rhyme. It falls somewhere between an insult and a decoration of love, but that doesn't matter because Valkyrie isn't anywhere near fluent in Gaeilge He pretends like he's said the most original and inspiring thing ever and Valkyrie knows he's bullshitting and accuses him of such but she can't prove it. There's no real winner to a rap battle, but Valkyrie kicks Vile in the shin, rolls him over and they resume their spar.

5. Water balloon fight! Who wins?

If Valkyrie threw a water balloon at Vile he'd have her pinned down in half a second with his shadows. Fighting with the elements is Skulduggery's thing and he's not going there.

6. It’s a cold winter day and they are cuddled up in blankets by the fire, what stories do they reminisce about?

Vile does not reminisce. His whole persona is built around not wanting to be the person he used to be, so he's not going to talk about the past. He's not going to think about it, either, if he can help it. The only time he'll talk about his past is when he's recounting past battles. and even then, there's a fair chance he'll go silent half-way through a story and not speak again for hours. He'll happily listen to Valkyrie reminisce all day, however. He finds everything about her fascinating. 

Valkyrie will reminisce about a lot of small moments, but she's wary and self-conscious when she talks about her past (especially her family) with Vile. She's terrified that he could use it against her. She does talk about them in a roundabout way though, sometimes she gets carried away with reminiscing and lets information she shouldn't slip. Strangely, it's never crossed Vile's mind to weaponize this.

7. Who made the other laugh so hard their beverage came out their nose?

Vile's sense of humour manifests itself subtly, but he’s made Valkyrie laugh often enough. It was a biting comment about one of Sef’s handmaidens delivered in a deadpan voice that made Valkyrie laugh so hard a mouthful of wine came out of her nose in the middle of a banquet. 

Valkyrie can make Vile laugh, hard, when she puts her mind to it (although she also makes him laugh by accident a lot too). She’s never made him laugh so hard his drink’s come out his nose, but if he had a nose or an inclination to drink, she would have.  Not many people can tell when VIle’s laughing but Valkyrie picks up on the slight shaking of shoulders and resolves to make him laugh as often as she can.  

8. How do their personalities complement each other?

Basically, the same way Valkyrie and Skulduggery compliment each other: Valkyrie softens Vile, while Vile hardens Valkyrie. 

For Vile, Valkyrie starts off as a source of amusement. Court life is boring and her presence is novel and exciting. She’s stubborn and reckless and loud-mouthed... and she’s also funny and loving. She’s everything he used to be and then some. Affection sets in pretty quick. He tells himself it's nothing. Sure, he's protective of her and wants to make her happy... but that doesn't mean anything. She's like a  favourite plaything or a pet. A source of pleasure he wants all to himself. But it's not like he needs her... Except his feelings keep deepening and he finds her does need her. He needs her approval and affection. And that changes him. He softens. He starts to care and love again. 

Valkyrie’s terrified of Vile at first. She’s heard the stories. She knows what he’s capable of. There's also some contempt there too. It's not personal, she’s too young to have fought him, it’s just a general hatred for all of Mevolent’s supporters. But he’s useful, and she’s not above using him. The thing is Valkyrie’s drawn to danger. She likes the glamour and excitement. The more horror she experiences the more important and special she feels. That’s what draws her to Vile (and Skulduggery in canon tbh) - he makes her feel extraordinary. These experiences harden her, she becomes less caring and more selfish, but that’s a price she’s willing to pay. 

9. Who tells their partner to be careful before their partner goes and does something incredibly stupid?

Valkyrie. Which Vile finds incredibly amusing because this very young, very breakable woman with a death wish is telling him to be careful. And he doesn't think of himself as someone who needs to be protected or cared about, while she most certainly is. But he won't tell her to be careful back, even though she does lots of incredibly stupid things. He doesn't have the emotional capacity for that. Because telling her to be careful would be akin to admitting he cares about her, and caring about people, in his experience, only leads to heartbreak. So he doesn't say anything aloud, but they both know he'd tear the world apart if something happened to her. 

10. Who is completely oblivious that the other likes them all while hoping that the other does?

Both of them, kinda. Vile assumes Valkyrie wouldn't be interested in him by default because he's purposely unlikable and they’re enemies. He’s not wrong at this point. Then he decides he wants her, so he turns on the charm (or his version of it). He’s arrogant enough to assume he’ll get what he wants, but there’s doubt underneath that. He doesn’t see himself as deserving or capable of love, so why would she give it to him?

Valkyrie would be aware that Vile’s attracted to her and that she’s attracted to him, but she would be in denial about the strength of both of their feelings. She doesn’t want to call it love because love would be a very bad thing for them (doesn’t mean she would harbour a secret hope for it though). 

11. Who is ready to throw hands for their partner?

Both of them, 100% of the time. But Vile is worse. Someone so much as looks at Valkyrie the wrong way and they'll be skewered in a hundred different places with those shadows of his. 

Valkyrie's ready to throw hands but whether she actually does depends. Sometimes she'll see a dozen sorcerers rush Vile and think Nah, he can handle this on his own. And sometimes she'll see a single unassuming sorcerer and physically step in between them because her nerves are on edge and there's something off about the situation, even if she doesn't know what it is. Her protectiveness is more of an involuntary reflex than logical reasoning, but it's strong when it's there. She'd throw hands with Mevolent in a heartbeat if she thought Vile was in danger. 

12. Who always kisses their partner before they leave?

Once they reach the kissing stage of their relationship, it would be Valkyrie planting goodbye kisses on VIle’s helmet. Vile’s more likely to send a wisp of shadow to tug at her clothes or trail up her thigh just before he leaves. he’s cruel like that. 

13. Who is the one who gets really sappy when they are tired and who thinks it’s adorable?

Valkyrie’s the tired one. Sometimes she’s sappy, but most of the time she’s just grumpy. Vile thinks it’s adorable either way, but he’s probably the only one who finds a sleep-deprived Valkyrie cute. 

14. They decide to become criminals, but they need a cool criminal name(s) before they can go and steal from banks. What name(s) do they come up with?

Lord Vile is Vile's cool criminal name. He's not going to come up with another one. He doesn't need another evil identity. He doesn't care if people recognise him (as Vile). And if for some reason he didn't want people recognising him, then he'd murder all the witnesses. It's simpler that way. But Valkyrie would jokingly come up with an ironic code name for him, like Chuckles or Cuddles or something. It's awful. She's the only person who could get away with calling him that, and only barely. She'd call herself Lady V. That too would start off as a joke, but then other people would take it seriously and it would stick. It's unclear to everyone else (including Vile) whether the V stands for Valkyrie or Vile. And she's not telling. 

15. Who tries their best at something new and who hypes their partner up with lots and lot of encouragement?

Weirdly, Valkyrie is the one encouraging Vile. He's old and settled in his ways. She’d push him to try new things, things he assumed he couldn’t do because he’s dead. E.G. She’d convince him to dry drinking something at one point, because she’s curious to see if he can, and he goes along with it because once she gets something into her head it’s next to impossible to talk her out of it. 

[magicalgirlfumiko]

Just feel like posting one of my short stories set in this blog’s world. 

The Dwindling Flowers chronicles the lives of several young mages that work for the Organisation (The Original Agency). They are magical soldiers called the Flowers to trained to fight evil born from curses of mankind. These people no longer exist to the world. Their memories are wiped clean and their family never knew they ever existed. These mages live solely to protect the balance of the worlds. Why they were chosen to become Flowers, is for the Organisation‘s ears only. The difference between our world and the world of Dwindling Flowers' Organization primarily comes from magic. As such, the 'timeline,' as it were, has diverged in several places. For starters, Nikola Tesla was a celebrated mage scientist until his death in 1945 of natural causes in the Great Magickal War of 1914-1953. His wireless telegraphy system expanded into cordless and cellular phones by 1960, though it was deadened by 1969 after consumers lost confidence in American industry. This brings us to the present day. The Cold War instead ended in 1998 with the dissolution of the Soviet Union, after which they lost a special little magical super soldier to the Organisation. The cellphone industry boomed as well. And Provere, France? Well, things are getting a little strange.

Provere City, France 04:50 A.M. 21 Nov. 2013

Judith pushed her hat down over her eyes. The men and women of the Provere police force all knew her, but she was still trying to at least be a little inconspicuous. She walked over the Jeanne d'Arc bridge with purpose, though, as the latest victim of the 'Morpheus' murders still hung below. Her report was that he was hung by a rope of braided human hair.

The victim himself, one Ansolom Broussard, was a simple taxi driver from the eastern district. The slums. He was a heavy-set man, with a family to feed. Someone was going to have to tell them. It wasn't Judith though. She just wanted the details, like the answer why to the fact that his cab was found three miles away abandoned, the ticket still marked. It was warm but dark and humid. A light rain coming down, as typically happened on the nights of these murders. She watched the cops pull the body up, and watched as the coroner and the R.I.S. closed up the scene and sampled the follicles from the noose. The only reason they could tell it was hair in the first place was that whoever did this left some at the top of the bridge. As the R.I.S. worked on the hair samples, she was busy taking pictures of the body. The first picture was the face and neck, showing lacerations and bruising from the noose, as well as an obvious change of angle in the windpipe. Next was the torso, which showed almost no damage except perhaps where it hit the abutment below. A close-up of each hand seemed to show no resistance. Curious. Hardly any scuffing on his shoes either. She went about her business and took pictures of the noose after the R.I.S.had finished sampling. “Thanks, Dion,” she said, smiling wanly. The rain picked up a little bit, a constant drizzle now. She turned to her phone, compiling the messages into a mass text. Constant; Camille; Piper CC: Crime Scene #6 Attached are seven pictures of the victim and the apparent murder weapon. It's definitely connected. Meet me on the Jeanne d'Arc in twenty minutes. That should give us enough time. -J Also, Constant – Leave Katyusha out of this. She didn't have time for petty politics, so she just nipped that in the bud.

"Oo ye yi!" Screamed a young woman with raven hair as her phone buzzed. 

Her name was Camille. She was a mage of Acadian ancestry that had been selected by the Organisation due to her efficiency with French Alchemist tomes and spells upon leaving Quebec to further her mage studies.

Camille had been drinking some warm coffee that just been brewed on the small stove top in her shared apartment with Constant. She nearly jumped out of her clothing when her phone's buzzer went off, causing her fumble around the cramped kitchen to reach for the device. Upon pulling the phone out, it appeared to be rather large and clunky. This technology was one of a newer type of fusion between modern science and magic. 

"Oh god...." She muttered. Her eyes looked drained as she began to study the photographs closely. She always had to deal with the pictures of corpses first since Constantina conventionally seemed to always misplace her phone.

"CONTAST!" Camille yelled as she walked out of the kitchen sideways just to get out of that room and into the shared main common area where both of their beds were.

"The boss w-wants us to be get ready for something...." She then tossed the phone at her partner. "Just look at those p-photos. They are some of the worst in recent memory!"

"S-She also said not to get your girlfriend involved." Camille said this to annoy Constant for not having her phone again.

Constantina, the Greek operative of the Organisation , blinked sleepily. She heard her Quebecian sidekick distantly yell her name. “conSTANT!”

:I told you to stop calling me that...” She thought in her haze. "The boss w-wants to be get ready for something....” 

“Huh? Yeah, she usually did.”. 

“Just look at those p-photos. They are some of the worst in recent memory..." Consti felt the phone hit her smack in the stomach, and she opened her eyes. Seriously. What now? Their cramped barrack room was stuffy with the odd heat.

Yawning, she sat up, phone still on her stomach. "S-She also said not to get your girlfriend involved." 

Damn it! Stop calling her that! “Shut up about Katyusha! She's not my girlfriend!” Of course, that got Constantina fired up. It always did. The absolute loathing she had for that woman... But in the end, didn't she want to be just like her? Eyes still half glazed with sleep, she picked up the phone and scrolled through the pictures. “Huh. This is bad. Not the worst I've ever seen, but pretty terrible.” 

She rolled out of bed, grabbing yesterday's gear to slip it back on. It wasn't dirty, she had only worn it for a meeting with Judith. Of course, she mimicked Katyusha's deadpan. It really wasn't THAT bad, and even though you never really get used to seeing a corpse, she had to seem strong for her partner.  After she got dressed, she stole a cup of Camille's coffee. She didn't even like the stuff, but she needed caffeine desperately. “Hey, Cami, can you help me find my phone?” She tripped over it the next moment. “Never mind...” Katyusha will not be involved. Ever. Thanks. She shot Judith a text.

Camille cocked an eyebrow at the half awake Constantina. "R-Really? With how much you complain about that Soviet, I would think you secretly harbor a deep caring for her." Once again she continued to egg Constant on. 

Camille understood why Constantina wished to be well respected like that Russian. Katyusha was a force to be reckoned with. Whenever Camille came across her, she kept her distance. "O-Okay, maybe they aren't the worst photographs ever." Camille sighed. "I just don't like always having to be the first ones that see them. You're the scout, I'm the backup...What happens if I am not there to do the research for you?" "Hey!!! My coffee..." Camille sighed. Once again, her small pot was swiped. It seemed that after this meeting, she would have to go to the cafe for tea. Ten minutes later, Constantina and Camille stepped out into the street. The weather was unnaturally warm for November. It was 21 degrees Celsius, rainy and humid as hell. 

“This is going to do wonders to my hair,” Consti thought almost absentmindedly. She pushed her hood over her head, both to protect her hair and to attempt to hide her sword. Her favorite camera was tucked safely in its waterproof bag, so she didn't have to worry about that.But... this case. 

Why were the Flowers being put on it? She had to admit that the bit about the hair was weird - and awful. But, really? Most of their cases were much more... odd. Much more bloody, too, like the case of the bull spirit. It gored seventeen people in one night before it was put down. 

That was a Katyusha case though. She helped, what little she could, but... damn it. She really had to stop thinking about that Russian reject.“

Hey, you think we should hail a cab? Or just take the truck?” That was always the difficult part. Sometimes a cab was helpful because they never, ever listened to traffic laws, but at the same time, hiding a sword on her back was way harder. Stupid time of year for her to be taking lead on a case. 

Was she ready?---The girls were late, again. Judith realized they were just waking up, most of them anyway. This scene was getting colder, however, and Constantina knew better. The coroner was packing the body away, taking it to the morgue for the autopsy. If this was anything like the last murder, they'd find his stomach filled with hair as well.She fired off another text to the girls.You're late.

Again.She didn't really think she needed to expound on that, Constantina knew it was for her. You're supposed to be leading these girls, Constant, not teaching them how to be lazy. Oh, well, she would give her a new ass later.

"Do you have enough money to take a cab?" Camille asked Constant.

If there was a constant theme for Constantina and Camille was that money between them was always short. Camille was constantly buying random old objects and texts to add to her collection. The older an item was, the more likely that it could have hidden potential magic.

"Then again...I am not sure if I trust you with driving the unit's truck...Ever since the Cheval Mallet incident, I-I still have flashbacks to when you used it to ram that otherworldly horse into the depths of the sea." Camille said.

She then hugged her book bag that contained her spell book. Sometimes it was hard to tell if she was actually friends with Constantina or one of her biggest critics.

“That horse was kidnapping people, so I hit it with the truck. Sue me,” was Consti's retort. 

“Anyway, I suppose you can drive - if you get the lead out.” 

Cheval Mallet was supposedly folklore, but with the history of the Flowers, and even what each girl could do... Not everything is as fake as people think.

They hit the road a few minutes later, air conditioning blaring. Constantina was extremely tempted to kick Camille out of the driver's seat. People were passing them as though they were standing still. Cautious was understandable, especially after the Cheval Mallet incident—the horse didn't even die, apparently—but this was ridiculous. “Hey, Camille, I thought we agreed for you to step on it!” she repeated often.

"I am doing the speed limit. If we go over it, we'll get noticed." She stated.

An orange horizon greeted them by the time they actually reached the Jeanne d'Arc. Twenty minutes their collective asses, it was now 6:10, and Judith was clearly heated. Consti swallowed the lump in her throat. Damn...

“Constantina,” boss lady really didn't waste time on ripping her a new one. “Do you have ANY idea what twenty minutes mean?”

Again, she swallowed. One of the few things she truly hated—other than Katyusha—was getting in trouble with Judith. It always started with the dress-down, but her disapproval lasted so much longer. “Yes, Judith, I know what twenty minutes meant.”

“I suppose you have an excuse?”

How about I don't know how you're going to make a forty minute drive in twenty, including dress time? “No. I don't.” 

Even with her Mediterranean heritage, she suddenly felt like it was 130 degrees with enough humidity you couldn't towel dry. Judith at least seemed satisfied with her answer because she immediately wheeled on her for something else. In this case, she was not wearing the regulation uniform.

“You do realize we have a dress code?”

 After she parked the car, finally Camille slowly got herself ready. Judith seemed to know that this bookworm took her time, it was just a part of her duty as the magus of the group. Camille then adjusted her cap, so that it was squared more on her head. She then got out of the truck and slung her heavy side bag over her body.

"I apologize, Commissar." Camille said. "I'll make sure to go a bit faster with the truck. I don't trust it that much. A-Anyways, outside of lax uniform wear...What would like to discuss with us?"

Judith paused her tirade for a moment, studying the girls. Camille was attentive, always listening and taking criticism with the astute purpose of bettering herself, other than when it came to her driving. She was like that to a fault, often backing down when she should be getting angry and stepping up to the plate.

Constantina wanted so badly to be like Katyusha, going so far as to hate her. But in reality, she might be strong – and decent with her sword – but it was her words that made her useful. A real crowd pleaser, easily placating the masses in a situation like this.

“Constantina. Lead these girls like you're supposed to. If you can drive faster than Camille, do so. Get here when you're supposed to. Learn to sleep lightly, as you should have been the first one awake.

Pacing across from them, she considered what was actually important. The body, the man hung up by ropes made of human hair. And hair that defied science.

“Anyways, here's the situation. This is the sixth such murder in the last three months, spaced exactly two weeks apart. Positive ID on all of the victims. The first four were Jack the Ripper style murders, all of them prostitutes out of the red light district. The last two, a businessman and this cab driver, while a-typical, mimic murders that happened over a hundred years ago, and a hundred more than that. Pattern also stands that there are four more victims. One an officer of justice, so keep an eye out for that. Do you two have any real questions about this?”

"Is it possible for me to get a piece of the hair?" Camille asked quickly. "I-I mean, before the Agency’s researchers get their hands on it. My tomes might be able to sense something about what we're dealing with. If what you are saying is fact...That there have been historical accounts going back several hundred years...We can pinpoint a common thread. Maybe...Constantina and I can work together on some scouting out clues once I connect the dots?" She knew it was going to be a long shot. The Agency always got its hands on the supernatural before the local cops or civilians could make answers out of it. The simple answer was that it never happened or it was mass hysteria.

For once, Judith lacked the forethought to utilize a Flower's magic. It wasn't that it never happened, but it wasn't often, for sure. Quickly, she scanned the bridge, looking to see if anything had been untouched. She sighed. “I'm sure we'll find something for you to use.” Clearly, Judith was having an off day.

Jack the Ripper... Still alive after a century and a half. Why was the Agency so sure it was him? It could be any number of monstrous people. This wasn't even his modus operandi.

The braid! She'd kept the braid the killer had used as a noose. She'd hid that from the Agency’s Forensic Team to show the girls just what kind of monster they were up against. “We do have the noose that was used.”

[moczothe1st]

Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War; Part 20: He’s Blume, Dabba Dee Dabba DIE

Part 19

Welcome back for another week of Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy Oh Shit It’s Chapter Eight.  

I… have some war flashbacks going about this one.  I… yeah. Okay. Let’s… let’s just start the story.  Story. Please.

The peninsula’s north, once ruled by several small kingdoms, is graced with rich pastures, while the South, the Kingdom of Thracia, is a harsh wasteland dominated by vast mountains.  In ages past, seeking to claim the life-giving northern land as their own, Thracia’s infamous dracoknights have led countless brash attempts to conquer the north, only to be repelled at every turn by the might of House Leonster. Thracia looked to have won at last following their slaughter of Leonster’s army in the Yied Desert, only to be defeated in turn by Blume of Freege, who claimed the land as his own. And so, the so-called Kingdom of North Thracia was born as yet another servant state of the Empire.

Over a decade has passed since then. Not even Thracia’s King Travant, an ambitious man with a thirst for power and glory, dares to challenge the will of the Empire. And so, a strange peace looms over the region. Or so it did, until the arrival of Seliph and his liberation army

Blume’s defeat at his own capital has abruptly tipped the balance of the Thracian stalemate. Both the Alster and Leonster territories now lie under the liberation army’s control, forcing Blume to retreat to Connaught and muster the strength to take Alster back.  

(Oh fuck it’s Ishtar)

Braces itself for the threat of Thracian invaders.

Meanwhile, across the border in Thracia itself, both King Travant and his border watchman, General Maykov of Meath Castle, remain eerily silent. The people are united in their fondest wish: For the Thracian Peninsula to return to the rule of House Leonster.

And so dawns yet another battle…

Blume: Banba! How could the three of you let yourselves be cowed into fleeing? What a disgrace!

Banba: A thousand apologies, milord. However, you’ve nothing to worry about anymore.  Even as we speak, General Muhammad prepares his brigade to lay siege to Alster, and General Ovo’s cavalry are en route to Leonster. We, too, shall rejoin the fray shortly.

Blume: Hrm… don’t fail me this time.  And what of King Travant? Why are the promised Thracian reinforcements nowhere to be seen?  

(Because he’s arguably the one person in this peninsula who’s more of a douche than you, Blume ol’ buddy.)

Banba: We’ve yet to receive any response to any of our messengers so far.

Blume: Gah… what in the blazes is that snake thinking?

Banba: King Travant is an ambitious man. To blindly trust him would be foolish.  

(Shame you’re just a recolor of the standard female villain model, Banba. You just marked yourself as the smartest person in this country.)

Blume: … No matter. Even without his forces, we’ve enough power to stop the rebels cold. Banba, Fotla, Eriu!  Move out at once! This time, leave not a single rebel alive!

Banba: Yes, milord. We will not fail.  

Mr. Needypants: How long… how long will it be until Manster is free from the Empire?

Ced: Don’t lose hope now! Even as we speak, Lord Seliph and his liberators are out there fighting for the district. They’ll be here before long. Go! Tell your friends and family that your freedom is so very nearly in reach! Please, my friends, believe me. Manster’s freedom is fast approaching!

Beautiful Man 57: The Empire has already lost both Alster and Leonster to the Isaach rebels. He wishes to hire us to help reclaim them.

Travant, Ew: The Isaach rebels are led by that Seliph brat… Sigurd’s spawn, correct? Heh… poor, poor Blume. He’s getting so old, even little children are a thorn in his side! Pay Blume no heed, Arion. The Empire and the rebels are best left to break themselves on each other for now. We’ll mop up the leftovers once they’re nice and weak.

Arion: I should have known, Father… all along you’ve been waiting out Blume’s little storm, haven’t you?

Travant: But of course! It’d make no sense to bend over backward for the man who snatched the hard-won north out from under our noses, would it? Leonster’s downfall should have meant a peninsula unified under our rule… I’ll neither forgive nor forget Blume’s craven conquest.

(‘Craven’ by whose standards, Mr. ‘Take a Baby Hostage’?)

Arion: Even now, we still lack the power to truly face Grannvale on an even battlefield… I can only imagine your frustration, Father.

Travant: Thracia’s fate depends on a unified peninsula. The verdant northern soils are the perfect cure for the famine and poverty wracking our south. We’ve been shunned and vilified for centuries,  dismissed as ravenous hyenas… Yet what choice did we ever have? If not for our answer to this world’s craving for sellswords, Thracia would never have had the funds to barely survive as we do. We’ve toiled in poverty long enough, Arion. It’s high time Thracia carved itself a future! A future, I might add, which depends on the outcome of the game laid before us…

(I think, unfortunately, this is kind of a writing fumble. We’re apparently really supposed to buy Travant as a patriot willing to do terrible things for the good of his country, and yet everything he does just oozes liquid smug and cheerful evil. Just, I mean… once you’ve seen a man take a baby hostage so he can murder her dad more easily? It’s really hard to view him as well-intentioned on any level.)  

Lewyn: Do it. With Blume still on the loose in Connaught, there’s no sense in skimping on the defenses. Oh, and we’ve received a plea for help from the people of Manster Castle. The sooner our forces reach them, the better.

Seliph: Very well. We shall make the first move!

…………………….. And it shall be to go to the Arena!

Seliph: Seven wins, gained four levels: +6 HP, +2 Skill, +3 Strength, +2 Speed, +1 Defense, +1 Resistance

Julia: Seven wins, gained two levels: +2 HP, +1 Skill, +1 Speed, +2 Luck, +1 Resistance

Shanan: Seven wins, gained two levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill. Told you they were his only two good growths.

Oifey: Seven wins, gained one level: +2 HP, +1 Strength

Ulster: Seven wins, gained two levels: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +2 Speed, +1 Luck

Larcei: Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Strength, +3 Luck

Lester: Six wins, gained two levels: +2 HP, +1 Speed, +1 Strength, +2 Luck

Dermott: Six wins, gained two levels: +2 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Strength, +1 Luck+2 Defense

Fee:  Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Strength, +1 Speed, +1 Magic, +1 Luck

Arthur: Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +3 Skill, +2 Speed, +2 Magic, +1 Luck

Tinni: Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Speed, +1 Magic, +1 Luck

Patty: Six wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Strength, +2 Speed, +3 Luck, +2 Defense, +1 Resistance

Johan: Four wins, gained one level: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +1 Defense, +1 Resistance

Ares: Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +3 Strength, +1 Skill, +3 Speed, +2 Luck, +2 Defense, +1 Resistance

Leif: Seven wins, gained three levels: +3 HP, +2 Strength, +2 Skill, +1 Magic, +1 Speed, +3 Defense

Nanna: Seven wins, gained levels: +3 HP, +2 Skill, +3 Strength, +2 Speed, +2 Luck, +2 Defense.  She has apparently decided she won’t be a healer this run, but holy shit she’s going to break some heads.    

Finn: Seven wins, gained two levels: +1 HP, +1 Skill, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +1 Defense

Oh, that’s the stuff. Now, let’s look at the actual chapter.

We start off with two castles, both on the far west side of the map; Leonster in the north and Alster in the south, the two castles Leif was bouncing around near in the last chapter. There’s only one path to take in this one: go straight at Blume in Connaught, then south to Manster, then right on further south to deal with Thracia inevitably being dicks.  However, do not assume. This is gonna be a slog. First order of business is to get some units up to Leonster; right now they only have Finn, Leif, and Nanna, who almost definitely cannot hold against what’s coming their way.  On the way, we have two conversations to share.

Julia: I’m… scared. I sense an evil presence… something dark… and it’s closing in…

Seliph: What do you mean?

Julia: Seliph… be on your guard… Ishtar is a fierce foe… you cannot fight her… you must not…

Seliph: Julia?! What’s happening to you?!

Julia: Ahh… I… w-what in the world just…?

Seliph: Julia… you’re…

(And Seliph gets +1 Luck from that, because…… shut up, that’s why. In fairness, Julia isn’t wrong.)

Arthur: Hrm… yeah, I guess.  

Fee: Hmmmmmmmm.  Who knew you had it in you? I never would’ve guessed that you’re even able to worry about anyone but yourself? I might have to rethink everything just a bit!

Arthur: Well, er, you’re a special case…

Fee: Eh?

Arthur: Er, never mind! Anyway, just don’t do anything too rash, alright? See you…

And Fee gets +3 HP, because… the worry… makes her more… able to take damage…?  Look, I don’t know.  It’s weird. And since there’s no enemies able to reach us, end turn here.

(Game, for fuck’s sake, that’s not even a palette swap of Chagall. It’s just him.  I know you need to save memory, but that’s just lazy.)

Muhammed (Seriously?): If anyone dares to question my command, come forth and allow me to relieve your neck of your head! No volunteers? Good. ATTACK!

(… Ah, I see. You had to re-use Chagall’s sprites so there was enough memory available for the most amazing looking man in the entire game. Okay, I forgive you.)

And with that, it’s our turn again. Ovo and the three mage sisters (… Are they sisters? I actually don’t know. They look identical, but so does) are moving toward Leonster and Leif, while Muhammed (Seriously, though?!) is moving toward Alster and Seliph. I have the cavalry brigade head up to reinforce Leif, along with Ulster since he can run very fast with his Leg Ring, while the rest of the ground-pounders stay with Seliph to help him stomp the armor unit.  And of course there’s bandits moving toward the villages, because fuck you, so we will need to hurry somewhat. I move right into the edge of the enemy range, and prepare for the assault, because I’ve worked out that this is the best way to do it. Boring but practical, man.  

Also, Finn can talk to Leif, somehow missed that last turn.  

(I hope you enjoy the politics of the Thracian Peninsula, because the next map is here too and it never stops sucking.)  

Finn: We aren’t in for an easy battle, but no matter what happens, we must persevere.  

Leif: I know, Finn.  

(“Did you seriously just tell me ‘fighting is hard but we should try to win’? Did you think this was a revelation?”)

Leif:  I’ve always dreamed that this day, the day of Leonster’s freedom, would come… I’ll do all I can to bring peace to the peninsula and save the people from King Blume’s tyranny. To fulfill Father’s final wishes at last… and if I need to lay down my life to make our dream a reality, then so be it.

Finn: Please, my lord! It ill-befits a future king to do something so rash! You mustn’t say such things!

(Okay, maybe Leif did need to be told that he should try to win.)

Leif: Er, you’re right… sorry, Finn. I know how hard you worked to protect me from the Empire’s pursuit in my youth. I recall how often you’d let yourself starve, just so I wouldn’t have to go without food… all my life you’ve made sacrifice after sacrifice for my sake, and only now do I understand this. I’ll always be grateful for all you’ve done, Finn.

Finn: My lord, the Thracian region has been plagued by strife for generations, but your father dared to dream of uniting it under a lasting peace. He may be gone, but you still yet live, and so too does the hope of fulfilling his dream. Only you stand a chance of uniting Thracia.

And with that Leif gains… holy crap, +3 Strength?! Okay, damn, Finn, tell Leif that he needs to win more often.  Never stop telling him he needs to win.  

End turn! Come at me, Blume.

Special Cousin Friend getting smashed in the face day! Now, let’s let them repay the enemy.

Okay, Seliph’s team pretty much owned, thanks for that very good dance, Lene, but Leif’s team is still undermanned and if they try to go toe-to-toe with the enemy, they’re screwed. So, to give them a chance to hold out until reinforcements arrive, I have Finn take out the vanguard:

And then they run south to park on the forests there.  I do not think any of them are in serious danger of dying, and this puts them close enough to the rest of the army that next turn Ares will show up to kill the entire enemy army by himself with his sheer awesomeness.  End turn!

(Where do these people keep getting reinforcements?!)

Faval: Look, Blume, I’m a busy man. Tell me what you want, or I’m leaving.  

Blume: Tch… Listen carefully. I’ve an employment opportunity for you.

Faval: … An employment opportunity?

Blume: Yes, Faval. I require your services in putting down the rebel army.  

Faval: Pass. I might be a mercenary, but I’m certainly not about to do your dirty work.  

(…. Then why did you come? You’re a mercenary, what did you think he wanted to see you for? A tea party?)

Blume: Oh, really? Then what will become of all those orphans in your care? Rumor has it your dear sister has taken to stealing the money you need to take care of them. Are you content with such a life?

Faval: I guess you’re right. I dunno if I can take Patty risking her life like this much longer. And we do sorely need the gold…

(I was going to make a crack about the SUBTLE HINTS as to the identity of Faval’s sister, but he kind of took the fun out of it.)

Blume: Bring me Seliph’s head, Faval, and you’ll have all the gold your orphans will ever need and more. Your dear sister would approve.

Faval: Deal. I know this’ll come back to bite me, but if it means saving the kids… you have my bow. Just this once.

Soooo. Patty’s brother. Means he’s Bridget’s son.  You know what bow he means, and we definitely need to get his sister up there to make sure he doesn’t shoot us with it.  But first, war:

Why do you people hate Nanna so much?!  Well, at least she badly wounded all of them, so we can just mop up an-

*sigh* Why do they have five healers with them? Seriously? Am I being trolled?

…. Fuck.

*phew* He can’t double. Okay, we got this  then. First step, remove that motherfucker.  

Thank you, Best Finn. Now, Lana busts out the Physic Staff to heal Nanna, and we send a few jerks to join their commander

Ulster’s amazing level would normally be the highlight there, but I honestly kind of prefer Leif busting out that weird multiform Dragonball Z shit for his critical hit animation. Way to rock, buddy.  Southern front, can you top them?

Awesome! Seliph is ready to promote, so I should maybe have him run back right now and sell the Paragon Ring for someone else to purchase? I mean, he actually hasn’t gotten very far yet. Either way, Muhammad’s group is now taken down and the other one has the whole horse division to fight, so we have things mostly under control. All that remains is to get people to those villages, and get Patty up to make sure her brother doesn’t murder us. End turn!

All right! Nanna continues her quest to become a frontline fighter, and honestly when she promotes she’s basically gonna be there. Is there someone else who can use her staff? She can’t really put it to the best use, frankly, and she can use the money to buy more swords.  

Our turn, and the mage sisters are almost to our doorstep, so it’s really time to finish off Ovo’s group. Luckily most of them chose to commit suicide by Nanna on their turn, so there’s actually only two left. So it’s as simple as staying just outside their range, except for Fee with her Bolt Sword handy  to meet Banba head on; Banba is the fire one and Fee’s going to have weapon triangle over her, so it should be a good way to soften her up to start off with.

Oh, and killing the last two guys, obviously.

Heeeeey, way to rock out, Johan! You don’t often impress me, but I cannot complain about your performance here.  I don’t think anything can ruin this good mood. End turn!

(OH FUCK IT’S ISHTAR)

Ishtar: What’s happened, Father? How could a pack of simple rebels get to you, of all people? This is so very unlike you.

Blume: These are no mere rebels! They’ve already slaughtered Ishtore, and Tinni is lost to us as well because of them… the defeated Banba and her sisters… I can’t leave this task to them again. You’re all I have left to depend on!

Ishtar: Understood, but I have one condition. I need the Book of Mjolnir. If I’m wielding Mjolnir, I won’t need an army with me. I alone will be more than enough.

(SHE’S NOT JOKING)

Blume: W-what?! You want me to… Fine. Very well. You can take Mjolnir.  But don’t you dare fail me now!

Ishtar: You can trust me, Father. By your leave.  

(NOT THE TIME, LADY)

All right. Okay. Okay. I have Larcei move toward one of the villages, kill the stupid mage sisters…

And… and prepare for the… issue.  The issue that’s coming toward us, very slowly, and we’re fucked.  

So this is Ishtar, and she’s just… she’s just the worst.  I mean, Mjolnir always turns anyone holding it into an utter bastard, but just for fun, compare her stats to the other two users of the tome.  

Look at those comparisons, and tell me what you see.  Reptor has more magic, certainly, both of them have more defense.... but speed. Ishtar’s speed is fucking 39, breaking the game’s speed cap, and of course her ability list includes Adept. So unlike her predecessors, she can double-attack, and getting hit twice with Mjolnir is a death sentence. 

And I don’t know, maybe all this sounds like she’s a super exciting challenge? But that’s also not true. See, she also has Vantage, meaning once her health gets below half she’ll always attack first, regardless of turn.  And if that happens, your odds of beating her drop a ton, because there’s not a lot of units who can take one hit from Ishtar, much less two if she procs Adept (and she will, right when it’s most inconvenient, because fuck you).  So fighting Ishtar is basically a game of tag with nuclear bombs. The actual fight is only going to last about thirty seconds when I actually meet her: either I take her out in one combat round, or she’ll kill someone and force a reset, period.

And there’s only a few units in our ranks who can pull that off: Arthur/Ares if they proc Critical, Shanan/Larcei/Ulster if they proc Astra.  

Most of the above cannot survive a counterattack from Ishtar.

It’s… it’s not a good situation.  

End turn. Nothing happens on the enemy phase beyond the slow inexorable approach of death, so I start off our new turn by clearing a village out:

And send Fee, Dermott, and Finn up toward the other one. They should be able to clear it before it’s totally destroyed, at least, and I’d like Fee to get some more money; I think she’s a good choice for the Paragon Ring after Seliph sells it in a minute here, since her level’s lagging a bit.  Ares and Arthur are both moving into position to deal with Ishtar, and hopefully between the two of them nobody will die, but before her Faval is in place and he’s going to be a problem all his own because we can’t kill the little prick.

I mean, we could,  but Patty would be sad.  End turn, and-

… Really? Right next to each other? You two are asses.  Okay, let’s try this.  

All right, Patty is now right at the edge of Faval’s movement, and to the south Arthur is ready to swoop up and fight Ishtar as she comes in behind him. This… will be tricky. Patty absolutely cannot fight Ishtar, probably not even after promoting, unless you somehow got very lucky with Luna and a Brave Sword.  For now, though, there’s nothing left to do but end our turn.  

Okay. Okay. We can do this. We CAN.  First, I have the northern troops clear that second village. Not because I’m procrastinating, I just enjoy clearing villages.

Nice Girl: I’ve heard all the stories about your army, and I’ve been praying you’d come. Lord Seliph is our beacon of hope! Here, take this power ring. It’s not much, but it’s all we have to show our gratitude.

… I didn’t remember that was there, but it’s pretty much exactly what Fee needed most of all, so happy coincidence.  Down at the front, Patty moves in to slap some sense into her bro.

Patty: Ugh… don’t tell me you actually let Blume buy out your bow arm!

Faval: Patty? Wait, why are you with the rebels?

Patty: To protect people, of course! We’ve come this far working together, and I know we’re gonna stop Blume for good! I don’t get it. Did you just go and forget everything?! That if it wasn’t for the Empire, none of the kids would be orphans!  But no, here you are, kissing up to the man who ruined all our friends’ lives!  What the heck were you thinking, Faval?!

Faval: You’re absolutely right…. I’m so sorry, Patty. I guess I just wasn’t thinking at all.  

Patty: Any scumbag can apologize until they’re blue in the face! If you’re really sorry, then get over here! Come help us fight for peace!

Faval: … Alright, Patty. I’m with you. You’ve certainly come a long way lately…

Patty: Hee hee… I guess I have!

You do you, Patty. Faval, welcome aboard. 

So here’s Faval, and he’s a solid unit overall, like his mom before him. His highest growths are going to be in Skill, Luck, and HP (a whopping 175% for that last one, thanks to having two Holy Bloods and a tanky father) but none of them are particularly bad other than Resistance. And he has a Holy Weapon, so he’s never going to be useless.  His only skill is Pursuit, but that’s really all he needs; he shouldn’t be up close to the enemy anyway.  

Now then. Ishtar.

Ares and Arthur are ready, and they’re our best options with Forseti and Mystletainn to rock out on her stupid face.  But because I love you, there is a little extra convo to have with Ishtar first, so… save state.    

(Remember they’re cousins, they know each other pretty well. Protip: Do not try to have this conversation in the actual game, Tinni is about to get crushed into a fine paste.)

Ishtar: You’ve turned traitor, then? I’m disappointed in you, Tinni!

Okay, now let’s do our real turn.  Arthur, you’re on point.  

(Your reluctance would seem a little more convincing if I hadn’t watched you vaporize your baby cousin thirty seconds ago.)

*deep breath* Arthur procced Critical. In the great game of Ishtar Rocket Tag, we came out on top… and thank God for it, because his resistance isn’t superb and I’m pretty sure her counter would have killed him.  I realize that this makes me look like a big whiner, but that was a stroke of absurd luck and I’m thanking my lucky stars individually and by name.  

… Interesting dying quote there.  

Oooooh dear.

Julius: Come, Ishtar. I need you.

Ishtar: Y-yes, milord! Anything you wish!

Well, that was fuckin’ ominous! Yeah. Yeah. Our first meeting with Crown Prince Julius and he… well he doesn’t seem like a nice young man, to say the least.  Um. Let’s… let’s just… go promote Seliph! Hahaha, yay, promotions! Not scary!

Congrats, Seliph. You’ve officially reached exactly where your dad started.  Though he does, for some reason, have the ability to dismount his horse and go back to being on foot at any time he chooses. It’s not entirely clear why he can do this, but he can. So if you run into somebody with a Horseslayer or something, that will be nice. I’m… not sure there are any more enemies with horseslayers in the game, but if there were Seliph would be all set.

Now, time to end this.

I realize this doesn’t look too bad, but appearances can unfortunately be very deceiving.  All three of those mages and Blume himself are all packing siege tomes, meaning that while you’re fighting your way through the armor leading the way, you are also going to be getting your ass bombarded constantly.  So to start, the best idea is to kill off the first group of armors outside the range of the mages, I think. I move Faval into their range to test out that shiny bow of his.  End turn!

…

They don’t move on their own! Dicks! Okay, we do this the hard way. 

Not bad, not bad. Unless of course all three of the mages and Blume all target the same person and they all hit, but… hahahahaha… what are the odds of that.  Hahahahaha.

End turn.

………….. This… game… is being so nice to me on this map.  What’s going on.  First I lucked out majorly on Ishtar, and now I’m lucking out on Blume.  What are you planning, game?!  

Okay. Okay. We just need to kill these guys and end the update before my luck can abandon me. Guys. Guys, hurry.

What’s going on. End turn, hurry.  Hurry you strange army of winners, I don’t know you but I love you.

My God even Johan can’t die anymore.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE…

You cannot stop me, Blume. Your lightning is weak and small.

*cough*

Sorry, went mad with power. Um…. Let’s see a shot of Tinni continuing her character growth, hm?

Blume: Gah...

Turns out little Tinni has a bit of a backbone to her when she’s not going to be immediately incinerated by divine lightning.  Not a  great fight, but unlike both his dick kids, Blume has no way to double attack or critical so he also can’t kill her as long as you make sure she gets healed between fights. If I could trust him to always go after her, I’d let her chip him down.  But he still has that damn Bolting tome, so I can’t.  So. Let’s end this.

………………. Okay, that’s Ares’s first bad level since he joined, so I’ll allow it.  From here, all that’s left is to take the castle, so I have everyone move south to get ready to cross the river when it opens, and… rock it, Seliph.

Lewyn: Don’t be too excited just yet. The real problem here is still Thracia.

Seliph: What makes you think so? What would cause Thracia to break neutrality now, of all times?

(“They are what is known, in tactical terms, as a bunch of dicks.”)

Lewyn: You’ve never had to deal with King Travant before. Just ask Prince Leif; if not for Travant, he would still have his parents. Travant’s murder of them was a cruel ambush, an insult to the honor of a knight like Quan.  Who knows what game he’s playing now…

I like that Lewyn’s summary is basically a fancier version of what I said.   See you next week when King Travant is a giant dick, because that’s the entirety of what he does, always. Laters!               

Part 21