#and i fully guessed like. what it was but it wasnt based on anything except vibes and their smiles

[mattsgirlie]

never existed part 2- chris sturniolo x fem! reader

warnings: mentions of cheating, soft dom!chris, angst, mentions of drinking and smut.

word count: 3000 (sorry)

My relationship with Matt was honestly far better than it was two months ago, after i completely ended things with Chris, Matt and I became official and got a chance to get it right.

That didn't stop Chris from staring at us across the room with a pathetic entitled attitude like he knew something we didn't every time he was around, which was barely since he was jumping from party to party every night.

Matt didn't quite understood why his brother became so constantly bitter and mad towards everyone, especially the two of us but thought he was just going through a phase.

Nick even shared his theory about Chris being in love with someone and i laughed, "As if he was capable of that" was my answer.

Matt is out tonight and i just chose to stay home with Nick watching movies. Nick is my best friend since middle school and hiding from him what happened between me and Chris made me almost lose it.

"I know it was before you and Matt became official but it doesn't make it less fucked up girl. I love you and i'm sorry but i can't back you up on this one, you gotta tell Matt"

Nick said from the other side of the couch and i nodded in agreement knowing he was fully right.

"I know but i was- Well i am so scared, me and Matt are finally working out....but yeah i have to tell him, i can't base our relationship on a lie"

"What about Chris?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"Do you feel something for him or was it just casual?" He asked trying to understand the full picture and i sigh heavily.

"I can't say i haven't thought about it but Chris was always more of a friend with benefits type of thing, he is not the guy to catch feelings i guess"

"I don't know about that...i always saw the way he looked at you and talked about you, and now that you told me this it kinda makes sense with this attitude problems" Nick said frankly, concerned about his younger brother.

"Nah, he probably is just mad he lost a fuck buddy that's all..." I try my best to brush it off but his words actually got me thinking

He simply agreed and we switched topics as he noticed i was uncomfortable, plus we had a lot of catching up to do. We decided to put on classic disney movies and stay up all night like old times.

Already 2 movies in my phone rings with the name "Christopher" bright on the screen and it took me a minute thinking if i should even read it after almost three months without us having a proper conversation.

Christopher: my room rn

Christopher: its urgent

Christopher: i wouldnt text you if it wasnt and yk it

My hands are shaking at this point as i almost immediately stand up, i know he is right he would never text me if it wasn't important.

"Be right back, bathroom" I mumbled in a hurry, not even waiting for Nick to say anything back as i make my way up to Chris' room.

I knock two times and get no answer back, i stand there in silence for a while until i hear him mumbling a "Come in".

I walk in to see Chris on the floor with his back leaning on the foot of the bed, the lights were all off except for the LED in purple.

Chris had some empty bottles badly hidden under the bed and he looked half drunk, his phone was tossed on the carpet with our chat opened.

He looked deadened, his expression was dull as i ran to him "Chris what the fuck happened??"

"You happened" was what he answered almost immediately whilst i stood there astonished "What is that even supposed to mean?"

He looked up at me and i swallowed a lump of air, he didn't even say a word.

"You called me here, what did you want?" i insisted as i sat next to him still apprehensive and confused

"I wanted to tell you something but first i gotta ask you a question, after that you can go back to pretending i never existed or whatever"

His voice was raspy and bitter, not like usually because this time i could tell he was truly hurt "You know it's not that simple, Chris"

I say feeling the guilt wash me over "Yeah, your relationship is great you don't need me anymore, i see it pretty simply actually" He adjusted his posture still sounding mad.

"Ask your question, Christopher" I look him in the eyes getting equally angry trying to find a way out of that topic.

"Why'd you chose him?"

I was stunned for a second but answered the first thing that came to mind "You never said choosing you was an option"

Chris looks at me in genuine surprise like he didn't expect that to be my answer, carefully thinking about his next words.

"So would you? If you thought it was an option?" He asked low, almost shyly which surprised me to say the least as i grew just as angry as him with his question about an impossible case scenario.

"Don't put me in this position Chris you know it's fucking complicated. I'm with Matt now and we are finally making it work and i don't wanna-"

"He doesn't deserve you" he cuts me mid sentence growing angrier and impatient.

"What do you know about deserving? You always treated me like i was your fuck toy and when i get the chance to be happy for once you come back with this"

"You were my fuck toy? Are you actually being serious right now? If anything you would only text me when you wanted to fuck away all the shit he put you through, not the other way around"

At this point Nick could probably hear us shouting but that wasn't our main concern as i felt my face go red considering his words.

"When i first came into this room i was looking for a friend that i really saw in you, one thing lead to another and i'm so sorry it happend that way but now i am truly happy why can't you just fucking accept that??!"

"It's not a matter of accepting is just that-"

"What Chris? Just say it already!"

"He is cheating on you" He half shouted again looking down to his lap and to me as he kept going "He has been for a long time now and he probably is as we speak"

I had no words. When i used to go to Chris for a casual thing i knew with Matt i wasn't the only one either just the main, although we fought a lot and had disagreements he seemed genuine when he asked me to be his real girlfriend two months ago and promised everything would be different.

"Does he know about me and you?" I said in an indescribable tone and Chris looked up again checking for any signs of reaction "I don't think so"

"And i felt fucking guilty for not telling him while he had a side bitch all along" I laughed in disbelief.

I went under his bed getting a full bottle and opening it without warning "What the fuck are you doing??"

"How long did you know about that?" I ask back, drinking straight from the bottle as he looked at me with concern then grabbed his phone going through his camere roll.

"Since last night for sure but i've been suspecting for a while. We went out together and he started making out with this girl that said she was his 'close friend' out of nowhere, i even had to uber home"

He shows me a photo where she is sitting on his lap in some photobooth at a random party.

"He thought i was too drunk to notice but they seem to go a long way, i figured you should know" He sounds calmer now, even subtly sweet "Hey go easy with that" He warns about the drink.

"Stop acting like you care" I chuckle ironically whilst standing up and he follows me "If i didn't care about you i wouldn't even have told you about this, have you thought about that?"

"If i didn't care about you i wouldn't have fought with my own brother for being a shitty boyfriend to you today" He walked towards me and i felt my limbs go numb.

"I wouldn't have you in my room when you guys would fight although i was only hurting my own feelings in return because i loved you so damn much since then"

Our faces are now inches apart, his eyes are pitch black and i couldn't breathe for a second "Did you just say you loved me?"

He goes silent again, he breaths heavily starting to walk away and i follow.

"Don't turn your fucking back on me Christopher i asked you a question, did you mean it?"

"Yeah i did but does it change shit?" He turns back around and i see his eyes getting teary "I love you and it's fucking hard cause i never loved anyone before and you don't love me back how am i supposed to feel?"

This is the most serious he has ever sound in his life and it hurts me to see how genuine his feelings are.

"But you always acted like it was no big deal when we were together. Chris, we barely even talked once we started to mess things up" I realized my bad wording once i saw him trying to hide his tears starring down the carpet.

"So that's all i was to you? Just a fucking slip huh?" his voice cracked and he turned back in a deep breath.

"Chris...listen to me" I get closer, facing him as i place my hands on his shoulder.

"Theres too much going on right now but i need you to understand that you meant- ...you mean a lot to me, you were always there for me since middle school and i always loved and admired you"

We are both tearing at this point and i see his expression softening.

"You were never just a slip, you're one of my favorite persons and i don't know what i would've done if Matt didn't introduce me to you and Nick back then and God i just-" He wipes my tears away delicately.

"You're not gonna pull the 'i wish i met you earlier' shit are you?" He jokes and i sigh in relief since this is the nicest we have been to each other in a long time.

"Im not the girl for this and you know it" i joke back and he smiles slightly "I just wish this whole thing wasn't so fucked up"

"Tell me about it, has been the main thing in my mind since the last time you were here" Chris looks at the bed then at me as if he was reminiscing.

"I missed you a lot when i left but it really thought it was for the best....if i knew this was how it would end i-"

"You would stay?" He asked seriously.

I take a minute to consider my answer, my brain still trying to sink in all the information.

"Yes....i would've stayed" We are now dangerously close, my hands around his shoulders and his are cupping my cheeks as our noses almost brush and i can feel his breath.

"So stay now" He holds me closer by my waist and i gasp at his sudden move "Be mine now, please"

And with that our faces gravitate towards each other's like it was meant to be, noses brushing and lips connected passionately.

Right here it feels so right for both of our dizzy broken hearts as we finally found the comfort we both so seeked for in others.

We sloppy moved towards the bed never breaking the kiss and soon i was on top of him while grabbing his hair.

"Do you want me to be all yours?" I asked straddling him as my hands moved to cup his cheeks.

"Thats all i need, please i want all of you" He pleaded holding my hips and i was surprised to see the change in his demeanor but that didn't mean i was fully enjoying it.

We kiss again this time more eagerly whilst our clothed hips rock against each other seeking friction "You have me, baby"

And with that Chris possessivly groans, he then trailed kisses down my neck and collarbone "I never got a chance to mark you up, now i can show everyone that you're mine, no one elses"

He explained while marking that one sweet spot which causes me to moan. My hands find their way under his shirt, my fingernails now scratching his back just as territorial as Chris and he chuckles.

"We're re such a lost cause" he mumbles as he moves to take off both our shirts.

"We so are" i chuckle getting up to remove the sweatpants i had on and he smiles.

"What? theres nothing here you haven't seen before" i joke taunting he just grabs my hips pulling me towards him.

"Its 'cause i know i will be the only one seeing this from now on"

He looks up at me as im still standing, pressing a gentle kiss on my lower stomach going down my thighs causing me to chuckle.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Chris affirmed almost immediately as his hands trailed up to remove my panties, kissing and worshiping my whole body as he did so.

It was different then any other time we had sex. It was intimate, not just two bodies but actual feelings involved still just as eager.

"What d'you want me to do princess? want me to kiss you here huh?" he kissed my inner thigh and my hands move to grab his hair as i whimpered.

"Want me to eat you out? make you cum in my tongue over and over again?" And he started doing so causing me to gasp.

"Yes... Chris! doing so good for me hm" He looks up at me lustfully flicking his tongue.

"So fucking wet for me...you have no idea how much i missed this." He groans between my legs and i whine.

"I-mhpm...I do! I missed this too fuck i missed the way you make me feel" I confess and he stops his movements suddenly getting up to kiss me again.

"Now you have me, baby and i'm not about to let you go ever again" He moves us over to the bed again, this time removing his sweatpants and underwear.

Stroking himself a feel times he hums over me "Ready?" He asked positioning between my legs.

"Wait! can you grab your phone for me baby?" I ask and he frowns confused but does it anyway handing it to me unlocked.

"Im ready now love" I smile devilishly and he does the same as he starts to push his dick inside me in deep slow thrusts, the room filled up with our moans as i sloppy try to find a specific number on his phone.

"Fuck....Chris! Right there, oh my god! Faster please please" I plea as i feel he hit the right spot clenching around him i feel him throb.

"Baby i wont last longer if you keep saying my n-name and tightening around me like that" He tilts his head back but quickly looks back at me when he hears his phone ringing.

"Don't worry about it, just lay on your back, can you do that for me?" I say before he can even think of an answer and we switch positions, me being now on top of him, sinking down my hips.

"Im going to ride you and all you have to do is be as loud as you can okay?" I start bouncing up and down and he just nods with his eyes shut feeling the pleasure.

"Matt! Finally...mhp W-where are you baby?" I say with difficulty due to my moves and I see Chris confused whisper shouts a 'what are you doing?!' and i put it on speaker.

"Im...out with friends like i told you, wait why are you calling from Chris's phone?" He asked confused and i just roll my eyes passing the phone to Chris, winking

"Hm...hey bro s-she fuck! she is busy right now but i can answer that one" He moans getting the message as i go faster and faster.

"What the fuck are you two doing? Give her the phone i wanna talk to my girlfriend" Matt says impatiently on the other side understanding what is going on

Chris presses a finger on my clit rubbing it which makes me shout his name "Your ex girlfriend is getting the treatment she deserves Matthew can you believe it? I'm so deep inside her right now she's never going back to you again, tell him baby"

He's enjoying it just as much as i am, gladly being louder as i feel my orgasm approach taking the phone back "Im s-so sorry for your side bitch...she will never get to cum like im about to right now" i hear him yelling that he's coming back home and with that i hang up.

Chris is half sitting to get support to thrust up now meeting my motions, he gives special attention to my boobs making me squeeze him inside me and our orgasms hit almost at the same time

His mouth hovered over my neck going to my earlobe were we bites and whispers.

"Such exhibitionists aren't we?"

We laughed, i lie on top of him whilst he brushed his fingers over my hair. After a while he carries me to his bathroom and clean us up.

Once we are back at his bed he hands me one of his favorite shirts and holds me tight, his arm pulling me closer.

"That's the first time im actually staying in" I comment smiling at our fingers intertwined.

"Get used to it 'cause you're never leaving"

[sometipsygnostalgic]

do you think that the hordaks (excluding og hordak) should be judged by the planets they subjugated (and managed to avoid destruction before prime's death) or, because they were being mind controlled by prime's cult powers, they shouldnt be considered responsible for their actions, unlike hordak that, although was still brainwashed into the prime cult, he wasnt being mind controlled when he did all what he did?

(half serious under here - personally i dont think anyone should go to prison or stupid stuff like that!!!! theres a reason only the Horde have a Retributive Justice System.)

they should not be judged whatsoever. as far as im concerned, they were enslaved.

hell, i dont think any kids who worked for the horde should be judged either. though i do think that there were a lot of horde people who were hired help, not just war orphans that hordak and shadow weaver had taken in.

hordak is a weird exception. because he had his free will the whole time he subjugated people on etheria.

but at the same time, up to a certain point, he was merely acting based on what he had learnt from prime. yeah he should probably be held accountable in some way especially for what he did to his soldiers that "failed" him and how he sent people to die. but what chances did he have of being different, without anyone to guide him on how to be his own person? all hordak had known was cruelty, that was the way to live. the fact he showed any respect for individuality and for the massively flawed people who he took under his wing is a miracle. like, yeah, he was fucking terrible to catra. but at least he understood she was a person, a potential threat, which makes him very different to prime. and he took in both imp and adora. and he saw straight through entrapta’s eccentricities, despite the disrespect, and even learnt to empathise with her.   

the certain point, when hordak becomes fully accountable, is when he lashes out, after entrapta "betrayed" him, and blows the shit out of salineas and a bunch of other villages in person. this is remarkable because it's a specifically chosen act of revenge, the first time hordak had any personal investment in his war. i would say that everything done from there deserves to be judged more harshly, while taking into account that he's never had much chance to be anything better.

this is also the same point where catra becomes equally accountable. when she is doing the exact same thing alongside hordak in season 4, as his equal or even his boss instead of his worker slave. i guess you can also hold her account for earlier stuff like electrocuting entrapta, sending her to die, and opening the portal, but the former probably doesn't count as a "crime" to etheria since they were both horde soldiers, and the latter is actually more entrapta's fault than catra's. like, yes, she pulled the trigger, but she didn't build it. she was merely following instructions. once again, catra being the one to open it is more an inner-horde crime than a brightmoon crime.

[hhuta]

every day i think about how they changed the le bien qui fait mal and l'assasinphonie choreography so salieri wasn't dancing close with sexy half naked men. do we know why. i have tried and failed to pinpoint an exact time. i feel like im going insane. they no homoed a dance

anon.. i think about that daily too... im so happy someone else loves the original choreos like i do 😭 it took me a while to reply cuz i was on a mission to answer ur questions as best as i could. so... finally... here is what i found out:

first of all if u wanna read my rant about the changes, in general, here are the posts about le bien qui fait mal and l'assasymphonie

second of all "do we know why" is a good question. meaning i dont have an answer dlkjaskl i just now started to learn french so if they ever talked about it in a video, or something... i missed it. so right away im telling u that i can only offer my guesses.

///

starting with LE BIEN QUI FAIT MAL, as i said in that post i linked, i tried to figure out whether they only degayed it for the 2011 proshot or not and i found out that no, the changes were also present in live performances.

then an anon told me massimiliano (the dancer who manhandles salieri) couldnt be at the 2011 proshot recording. i checked the video and he really wasnt there at all, but that still doesnt fully explain things, bc as u will see from my extensive, very professional research, unlike in the 2011 proshot, in live 2011 shows massimiliano was there, performing, in other parts of the musical. just not during lbqfm. i know he is an irreplaceable icon, so much that i couldnt find a single video where he wasnt the one manhandling salieri (even tho other dancers, from other parts of the choreo, kept switching), but to me its now clear that that was not the case. they really just decided to change the choreo.

so now lets see how it all progressed

for that its helpful to know the dates of mor performances. based on that i was insane enough to watch as many videos as i could to try to pinpoint when the choreo changed. except it wasnt that simple. i quickly found out that a loootttttt of other changes happened before that major one, before massimiliano left. so here it is

THE LBQFM CHOREO CHANGES I NOTICED

03.01.2010 last PDS performance, still the original

6, 26 february 2010 original

11 march 2010 original (massimiliano's skirt fell off 😭)

20 march 2010 original

8 may 2010 original

9 may 2010 not so much the original anymore. this is the first change i've noticed. @1:28 originally its a male dancer who bends back salieri and then there are 2 men and 2 women who .. idk how to describe it, but do that push and pull motion. here one of the guys is not there

(10, 11, 12 no performances)

13, 15, 16 may 2010 now the other guy is gone too, only women left (but the dancer is not really gone. im pretty sure hes there, doing another thing next to them)

(cannot find a video from the 17th, that was the last performance in lyon)

performances at zenith de saint etienne begin at the 21st but i couldnt find a video from it

22 may 2010 original again (sidenote salieri is really unhinged here)

27 may 2010 change. female dancer who's usually interacting with salieri during the first verses isnt there, just massimiliano. not sure if its the same woman who calls him during the bridge and moves him thru the dancers but anyways shes also not there, he walks around alone. so when the Climax happens, again, only massimiliano is there grabbing him

31 may 2010 and 6, 10, 13 and 19 june 2010 another change. the female dancer is back, but during "j'adore l'avoir dans la peau" usually there are two dancers next to him mimicking playing a harp with their bodies but not this time

now the dates that matter the most i cant find a single videeooo 🤡 which are the performances in limoges (25, 26 and 27 june 2010) so all i can say is that

3 july 2010 is the first time i could find that massimiliano wasnt there. aka the degayed choreo. but i cant say if it is the first. also the original choreo for the "j'adore..." part is back again. thats the only performance they did in nancy and its also the last tour performance from 2010. a bunch of people were at the curtain call, even albert cohen was there, so its very weird that massimiliano was absent. im so mad i couldnt find those videos from late june bc all i got is just one video of him not being there, which makes me think he just couldnt be there so they had to change the choreo

9 november 2010 they are back in PDS and its the original again (also this is just for me but he still has the original cravat here. im trying to kill two birds with one stone)

2 december 2010 original (salieris beautiful cravat is gone 😔but this is one of my fave videos)

5, 11 december 2010 still the original

12 december 2010 changes again 😭 "j'adore..." harp dancers are gone again

14 december 2010 they are back <3 (funny video bc mikelangelo forgets to give florent the score)

18 december 2010 NOW HERE ITS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. a little change. massimiliano is there at the beginning, he drags salieri around but then hes gone before the first verse starts! and he doesnt come back !!! harp dancers are still there tho lmao

19 december 2010 massimiliano is fully gone 🎻 yamin even replaced him during la mascarade, like it happens in the 2011 proshot. i think since this date this change became the standard for a while, before they went back to the original. in the meantime, im guessing its when they shot the 2011 proshot

26 december 2010 still just the female dancer

4, 8 january 2011 still just the female dancer

9 january 2011 still just the female dancer but because it was the last performance in paris, before going on tour again, she has a whip for funsies. also they added, at the end, 2 female dancers sorta removing and quickly putting back salieris coat

28 january 2011 first tour performance, still just the female dancers. and i was not paying attention to this before, but i noticed for the first time in this video the 2 women dancing together, like they show for 2 seconds in the 2011 proshot. lesbian rights <3 i dont think it was part of the original choreo? its hard to tell exactly when they added that bc people usually record salieri, not the dancers, and hes not next to them when it happens (its before the bridge)

4, 5, 6 february 2011 still just the female dancer. but unlike before, this time (but idk exactly when it began) massimiliano was there for other parts of the show; yamin and other people didnt replace him (on the 4th: im pretty sure hes present in l'assasymphonie) (on the 5th: hes in la mascarade, le trublion, etc)

so. they really just changed it. massimiliano not being able to perform wasnt the case. we have to accept that they made a mistake <333 ldkajslk

19, 20, 27 february 2011 the original is back

19, also 19, 20, 23, 26 march 2011 it changed a little again but massimiliano is still there. no one bends salieri back and just one guy and one woman do the push and pull motion. also i think around here they removed the two women dancing together? maybe i just cant see it

20 mai 2011 original back once again

01 april 2011 .................... clearly an aprils fools joke bc massimiliano is gone again. i randomly picked this date cuz i knew it would be cursed dlkjaslk.. also again salieri doesnt get bent back and just 2 dancers do the push and pull... u knOW IT !!! WE GET IT !!!!! ok but i love him dramatically sighing and falling on the floor at @2:58 hes doing the most to make up for the flavour that got lost

03.06.2011 original again

12.06.2011 just massimiliano, no female dancer. im obsessseedddd with this video fully bc of the things massimiliano does!! obsessed with his evil smile @0:48, obsessed with salieri forgetting to throw the score on the floor, so massimiliano grabs it from his hand and forces him to kneel and stand up again. can u tell im a massimilianator and the choreo without him has no chance to please me?

17.06.2011 back to the original again

now im gonna skip to the very last performance from this production bc im honestly tired lkdajskl

10 july 2011 its the original thank god

TL;DR: 19 december 2010 is when the degayed choreo became the standard for a bit and on 19 february 2011 the original returns.

im confident that watching all those videos in a short period of time gave me brain damage but .. anything for science <3

ANYWAYS i started to do this to figure out why they changed It only to realise they changed A Lot of other things throughout performances (some things i didnt even mention, like the dance the woman does next to salieri during the first verse changes a lot) and they kept going back and forth to the original choreo. i think i can safely say not a single part (involving salieri) remained the same throughout the whole thing (not even the bending him back part was always there. i could swear it would be but!! no!). my guess is maybe because a certain dancer took a break or maybe they just wanted to do something different

in conclusion i figured out the exact dates but i cant tell u why massimiliano wasnt part of lbqfm for a while. i couldnt even find people talking about it on forums but, again, maybe bc im not fluent in french. to me it was a big loss, the whole thing loses its spice, i obviously prefer the original by miles. no idea why they simply didnt chose someone to replace him bc the other dancers changed all the time.

maybe it was in florents contract that only massimiliano was allowed to manhandle him <3 dlkjaslk im half kidding bc who knows? maybe it was a legal thing, maybe massimiliano invented this part of the choreo and only He could do it 😭 but honestly. my real final guess is that they simply wanted to change things to make it New and Fresh. as we saw, massimiliano leaving wasnt the only lbqfm choreo change.

///

moving on to L'ASSASYMPHONIE thank god bc it will be a lot easier to pinpoint when they changed the choreo. i believe they changed it and never went back to the original </3 god knows why </333 so when i find the new one ill stop looking

03.01.2010 last performance from "season one", at PDS (before going on tour) and also the last time they used the original choreo bUT ! THERES A BONUS! MORE MEN !!! LKDJALKS they said we will degay it later but u can have more naked men as a goodbye gift <3 really caught me by surprise, its the first time i watched it. but u wanna know whats really weird? this blurry shaky video is the only one i can find?! i even had to scroll a lot on youtube to get to it... conspiracy theory dove is trying to hide the original choreo. but honestly it makes no sense bc it was a Special day..... i cant find it anywhereee not even outside youtube... this is a hate crime. this is offensive. this is the heresy salieri sings about in the song.

the only thing i found was another performance from the same day but i think its the morning or afternoon performance and not the very last one. its for sure different than the one i linked first. i dont think there are 100 men onstage but at least we can see he had black nails 🥰 anyways... if anyone knows a better shot video of the very last performance... let me know... im really upsetklfdjalsjdal I FEEL SOOOO ROBBED...

and im even more mad now, remembering that from now on we get this new choreo. it began on their first tour

04.02.2010 2010 tour begins, first time we see the new choreo

and i have absolutely no idea why they changed it. again, i never saw an explanation and i dont have a single guess. i cannot imagine why they thought the new one was better. if i have to say one nice thing about it is that i like the background, the moving curtain that kinda looks like flames. they should absolutely drop the stupid flashing lights and just leave that background for the Cool effect and bRING BACK..... THE HALF NAKED BLINDFOLDED MEN (HNBM) ...........  THEY CAN REPRESENT SO MUCCHHHHHH... I LOVE THEM....

thats all i got to say otherwise ill start repeating myself.. if u wanna read more about my opinions on the hnbm and why i prefer the original l'assasymphonie choreo its all in the second link of this post..

anyways big thanks to anyone who read this, hope u enjoy all those videos. even with the dagayed choreos, florent and the dancers always deliver amazing performances. so, regardless, its a good time to watch them. lastly if anything is wrong, if i put down the wrong date or something, my bad, but it was .. a lot.. to go through, so if anyone sees a mistake let me know !

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I��ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

[indecisive-v]

NINJAMUFFIN DOING ANOTHER AMA ON TWITTER, HERE'S MORE SHIT FOR YA! keep in mind i'm just sharing the funkin related stuff, though i am including WAAAAY more than what i shared before 👍 go check out ninja's twitter profile for questions about stuff like ritz! questions in blue, answers in orange. if yall don't wanna read everything i MIGHT make a version of this post where i replace the answers with my own summaries of em (and if the questions are long, those too)

and here's a link to the ama tweet itself! dunno if it's still goin

Q: I figure the answer will be yes but do you have more plans to implement more guest appearances from people in the newgrounds community into FNF? Or are you all gunna focus on OG lore and stuff going forward

A: for guest appearances, I think we have always seen it as getting a healthy mix of both. PERSONALLY I'd like to lean towards having more OG stuff than guest stuff, BUT it's all a matter of what other boys think of that as well. I'm not the sole person working on game!

Q: Are you gonna release the full FNF game or are you gonna be releasing week after week? Like, are you gonna release week 8 or are we gonna wait some years until The Full Ass Game comes out?

A: Release plan for FNF right now is a few more updates or whatev to the 'demo' we have out right now, and then a long silence of probably no updates whatsoever until the full game is done (which will likely be a few years). That's partly why we made kickstarter for game.

Q: Hey so like, how much will Fnf cost after it's finished? And when will you ask the supporters what they want the game on?

A: It's all subject to change, but right now it prob gonna be standard 15-25$ lil steam indie game.

We will ask Kickstarter pledgers and whatnot what they want the game on SUPER close to when its released, to keep options open if we get onto anything like a console people want.

Q: 1. how was your day

2. are you releasing a week 8 song early like week 7, or are you goin full lockdown

A: I am doing GOOD today, and I think recently I've been good in general.

up to the mood, but so far we doing good about not having anything leak or whatev, so I think it'd be fun to have update come out with people not knowing what to expect at all. Build dat intrigue

Q: Will fnf ever get official plushies?? Seems like an untapped market

A: FNF plushies will prob happen some point, we have a lot of current merch stuff on our plates already though! (Mostly kickstarter type stuff, shirts, pins, posters, and all the physical OST stuff) Its a lot to sort out, but in time more and more stuff will happen. We r jus 4 boys!

Q: did you ever expect your game to blow up as it did? what was your first reaction to seeing it become super popular

A: FNF never had a humble moment, literally day 1 before the prototype even came out, the vid on twitter had like 5K likes overnight. Then when ludum dare version came out, it got 5K likes again, like it wasnt just a fluke. Was crazy, and def felt like somethin was different wit FNF

Q: Do you plan on getting other people to come in to help with the music? That seems like a lot of work to dump on one person, what with the erect mode and whatnot.

I guess the question could apply to all aspects of development. Will you be bringing on more people to help?

A: We definitely are getting help from other people. We are always keeping an eye on people for various different things. In terms of programming, already I've gotten 2 people (MtH and Geokureli) to help with certain Week 7 stuff (charting/polish, and loading stuff). Shit like dat

Q: Oh, also, will the Steam version be Workshop compatible? That'd really help streamline the process of downloading mods.

A: Steam version of FNF will likely NOT be Steam workshop compatible, because we want all the mods to NOT be spread out through different places. There WILL be modding support that is as streamlined as Steam workshop though. Mainly for non-steam versions of the game!

Q: Are there any chances that the game will have a physical release? Also any updates on a switch port? I remember one of you guys talking/joking about it.

A: Not impossible for FNF to get a physical release. We would want to see how far we could go with it though. I think it'd be super easy to do something wit people like LimitedRun games or whatev, but I think stuff like that can only go so far. I wanna see Funkin in mf Walmart!!!!!!

not that LimitedRun isn't going to be an option! Just we consider and pursue many different things! FNF release is years away, so we have time to think about everything. Whole mindset can be different just a few months from now.

Q: Out of curiosity, how are you dealing with all the popularity? It blew up so fast id barely be able to handle it if I was in your shoes.

A: The only way I've been able to handle it is having the other boys on the crew and being able to talk to them about all the overwhelmingness.

Part of it feels very lonesome, feels like NO ONE can come close to comprehending exactly how I'm feeling, except them. also other PALS!!!

Q: Do you own any of the bootleg FNF merchandise? Like any bootleg plushies or anything?

A: i dont, i genuinely think they r a waste of money, and I know any bootleg shit that gets made, we can prob go about and make it, and make it 100x cooler because we actually put effort into shit. bootleg shit just in it for the coin, so they aint gettin that from me

Q: How did you go about getting in contact with sr pelo for skid and pumps vocals?

A: Pelo i think was familiar and pals wit PhantomArcade a bit thru various Newgrounds things and collabs and whatnot.

pelo retweeted the first OG FNF posts first ever, and brought a LOT of attention to it. to pay him back, we put skid and pump in game! ask dave for more info prob

Q: what's the plan for having the full ass game open source if it's gonna cost money? couldn't people just download the source and compile the game for free?

A: when FNF is fully released, the full source code will be released as well.

the game will be DRM free so it will be way easier for people to redistribute the released/offical .exe instead of compiling it, so that's not the issue anyways. people will pay for things if they like it

Q: What are the chances of it getting on consoles like switch or Playstation, ps5 would definitely be my preferred way to play

A: it'd be a matter of hiring someone to build out backend stuff for those specific consoles. someone who knows their way around all the wacky code stuff, AND knows console hardware stuff. Then its just a matter of hittin up those console manufacturers (Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo)

the CLOSEST one is SWITCH. pretty much all of that backend is already made, so it just a matter of gettin all that access and shit.

i think in any case though, there's a lot of NDA stuff required, i dunno how much we'd be able to talk about it even IF we get that stuf sorted

Q: any ideas of releasing it on epic store or another platform?

A: Right now, the only thing that is 100% confirmed and WILL happen is a Steam version, itchio version, and mobile versions on respective app stores. Other storefronts aren't out of the picture though, but we don't want to spread ourselves too thin with it.

Q: Will you continue using HaxeFlixel to make the rest of FNF?

A: yes, because it is what I'm the most technically proficient in, and generally is VERY flexible. just a matter of ME becoming a better coder. It's ALL open source, so if I need something done a certain way, either I can do it, or we can hire someone to do it.

Q: have you seen game theory's videos on your game yet and if so, what do you think about them? (not talking about his predictions because i dont want spoilers. i like mystery)

A: it is always good silly fun to watch the Game Theory vids about Funkin with some pals, and see what matpat thinks of the game. i lov the vids, but wish he used my face less! Or at least used a cuter pic of me like this one!!

Q: Ok so: What does the future of FNF look like to you?

A: future of FNF is a rhythm game that not only exceeds every expectation that people have of it, but subverts most expectations and conventions as well.

Q: Do you plan on retouching on older weeks once the game is fully out? Like reanimating sprites, redoing some charting, updating the background, etc

A: retouching and probably overhauling certain aspects is almost definitely gonna happen. Everything is fluid and can be changed (and should be changed when necessary). i dont think anything should be too attached to, especially this early on in development

Q: I honestly do not care if the answer to this is vague as hell to keep surprises and shit lol but… Since Week 7 was the closest we’ll get to a playable girlfriend (still bf controlling tho), do you have plans to make girlfriend playable in spin-off things or just freeplay?

A: wouldnt be out of the picture for a playable GF, i don't think we've had some hard thing AGAINST it. just a matter of what we want out of the game, and what sort of story or whatev we could do with that concept

Q: How do BF and GF manage to meet famous newgrounds characters (such as pico, tankman and the others to come) like is this all in one universe/ timeline or are they being brought in?

A: i think they are all just there existing. i think there's a lot of wacky things in other media that try to justify crossovers, like MULTIVERSE bullshit or TIMELINE shit, but i dunno, its like subspace emissary. Captain Falcon and Olimar from Pikmin just hang out. Shit like dat

disclaimer that all lore shit is in phantomarcade head pretty much and maybe there is wacky dimensions or somethin

Q: Will the game have dlc?

A: its not too unlikely that we'd have expansions of some sort, but i mean right now we plan on packing in as much as we can into base game, and trying to make that as pure as possible.

if there is ANY dlc, i would personally want it to be 100% free updates

Q: How did you meet Phantom Arcade, Kawai Sprite, and EvilSker? And what do you think about the community and its controversies?

A: me and phantomarcade been fukin around NG for years so years and years ago we naturally crossed paths and became pals

about 2 years ago i found kawaisprites music on NG, and started talkin wit him, made Ritz wit him and we fell in lov

and evilsk8r i met cuz of FNF!!!

quik elaborate on evilsk8r, wanted artist for gamejam FNF was for (ludum dare), and OG person i asked wasnt available, so he referred me to evilsk8r, who I have never met or talked to before ever.

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[mountain-of-divine-fire]

Crystal spirits, and how i work with them

Disclaimer. this is all my personal experience and beliefs. though this post is educational, take from it only what you believe. my word isnt the authority and neither is any other blog post. 

In my experience with crystals throughout the years, ive learned many things about them. i hope this post will help yall out there, who are maybe beginners, or just curious on how some things work, or how others like to do things. 

This post does not list crystal correspondences.

This will be a bit rambly, but i hope you get what i mean~

Obtaining your friends

Couple of options for this, i would suggest going rock hounding in a local area. Bring your companions, water, and your tools.

Maybe youre in a place with slim pickings,like me. you can just buy some online or in person

Crystal shopping online seems more convenient since you can look everywhere for whatever you want, and get to compare prices.But physical crystal shops are great because you can tell by feel who wants to come home with you. 

honestly, i believe nothing happens to a crystal that it doesnt want to happen. and if it does, it will end up fixing it itself. If you get a crystal that doesnt feel right, you will know who to give it to.

Im in the crystal shop. Now what? Well, just take a look around! see what catches your eye.I like to have a very loose suggestion of a shopping list, but it usually gets thrown out the window. If you feel like you need to touch something, do it. (unless the shop says no touchy ofc). Some things will practically jump out at you and scream “TAKE ME WITH YOU”. If you dont find something that really yells at you, and you still want to bring something home, just find something pretty. 

 How crystal spirits work

This is mostly based on what ive experienced. this doesnt come from any specific belief , but it does align with how some people practice animism. 

(much like in steven universe,if i had to give an example,) Crystals pop out of the ground, knowing who they are and what they do.They may grow and change with their experiences, but mostly, they know what theyre about. They are given energy and life by the earth, and they do their job. 

Each crystal group, species, and individual type seem to have overarching personality traits and a group spirit. i think some folk call these “crystal devas” but im not entirely sure where that comes from and what that entails. also each vein, and individual piece, has their own spirit and personality, say, beryl and quartz are completely different. An amethyst and a rose quartz are both quartz, and therefore have a similar type of personality, but are different. Each amethyst also has its specific differences. A chevron would be different from a grape jelly. Two individuals broken off from the same cluster would be different but similar, and so would each half of a broken slab.

sometimes individuals have names, and sometimes they can be named by you. some like to work with each other, and some prefer to work alone. 

Each crystal has correspondences , but sometimes those general guidelines can be deviated from, simple because the individual just doesnt do that kind of thing. 

My crystal broke! what happens then? Well, now you have two friends to work with. Some folk like to keep one half and give the other to a friend, some keep both halves and glue them back together with super glue (i do this with show pieces), and some folk like to bury them and return them back to the earth. You dont have to get rid of your broken pieces if you dont feel like its time. The crystal will let you know

How crystal spirits communicate

Most of the time, unless youre just really closed off, you will just feel it. They usually speak in feelings. if one wants to come with you for the day, you will know. If one wants anything , youre gonna know it. Dont second guess yourself, and just do it on impulse, pretty much.

These spirits are from nature, and are usually not relatable to humans (theres exceptions to this, like lab made crystals, and carved skulls, more on that later.).  they can and will communicate in ways youre not familiar to, if you dont do spirit work.If a crystal tells you its name, like its TRUE name, you might not even be able to comprehend the words its throwing at you. dont try to decipher it, just let it be. also , try to keep true names secret unless they tell you otherwise. 

If you cant really feel what they try to communicate, you could also meditate. If they want to say anything at least. just get cozy and meditate as you usually would, once you get good and calm just hold a rock and sit with it for a bit. Usually this type of communication is more in detail, maybe fully formed thoughts and sentences, maybe images. Once i even got one that liked to speak through song lyrics!

If you cant do these, use a pendulum! Ask the pendulum where its yes is, and where its no is. (for me usually, non human or complex spirits like to go left and right for yes, and forward and back for no. for animal spirits and servitors, ive found usually they nod yes and shake no. not sure how plants respond just yet.)

Ask it some troubleshooting questions first like “are you an amethyst, are my eyes blue, do i live at XYZ” ect... 

A problem with pendulums is, if you try and use a crystal pendulum when working with any other spirit, the crystal itself may respond. Always ask if youre talking to the right entity.

What might a crystal communicate to me? It could be something as simple as “my name is  ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ “ or   “you like to smoke cleanse usually, but i would specifically like sunlight ”, or it could be advice about a situation that you need help with. 

Can these spirits be malevolent?  personally, no. i dont think so. though it can be a grey area. most nature spirits want nothing but the greater good for themselves, nature, and maybe even you, if youre a good person in its eyes. 

there are instances where a crystal could be “angry”, maybe because the way it was obtained, or that it holds some kind of curse/hex/negative energy (maybe just even being around something awful that happened). Usually cleansing a stone will help with this. And if it doesnt? Try and see if you can do anything for it. 

Be careful about crystal runes, as you can piss them off. ive made a few mistakes in my time working with them(and by a few i mean a LOT, its not fun), in general just dont be a dick, and dont ask for things youre not ready to know the answer to. always thank them for cooperating, and cleanse them after use. 

What are the effects of this? for me, it was like a terrible panic attack, i was suffocating, my heart was going nuts, it was so hot, and i was so dry mouthed. i have never had panic attacks that bad. Tried to use some quartz crystals to ground myself, since i knew it was an attack, and they broke in half in the middle. This is completely my fault. I got scared and locked my runes away because it told me something i wasnt ready for, the next time i busted them out (and i hadnt thanked or cleansed them since,) is when they decided to teach me that lesson.. i was new at magic and stupid. and im glad my first big mistake was with something this forgiving. You probably wont ever have to deal with something like this if youre generally respectful. please learn from my mistakes. 

As with any divination and spirit work, you need to take protective measures. when youre speaking to a crystal spirit, you may actually be talking with something else. and it could be negative. use your best judgement please. 

Whats up with cleansing/charging/ect..?

 a lot of folk like to fight over whether or not you need to charge, cleanse, and bless or whatever else you need to do to crystals. Personally,i do like to cleanse crystals after heavy use, spellwork, or when i first get them from a shop. just to get rid of residual negativity. 

Crystals can hold information, but as far as charging them, im not so convinced. crystals arent a sigil, or something you made yourself. it has its own energy from the earth and its spirit, and will work perfectly fine without any of that.  Only do what you feel is necessary 

If its fine without charging, then why cleanse?  other than getting rid of stored negative energy, its just a nice thing to do every once and a while. It sort of works like an offering. showing that you respect the entity and want to work together in a mutual relationship. if you keep up your end as a guardian, then it will help you. 

How do i use crystals in spellwork and every day life? 

well heres some ideas! 

carry some around in your pockets/bag/bra/whatever according to whoever wants to come with you , and crystal associations

Gridwork. make a crystal grid

In spell jars/bottles/satchets 

As a decoration in your house to give the space a certain mood, feeling, or help. 

In meditation, to give advice perhaps, but also to help you according to its correspondences 

In divination, as help. 

As vessels for spells, enchantments, servitors, and whatever else (always ask it first!!! im using a large quartz as an astral tether, and a smaller one to house a servitor) 

As a friend. ever heard of pet rocks? well this is just an aesthetic step up from that. 

in your plant pots, to help them grow and thrive (be careful about water solubility) 

Pain relief and healing (only do this in congruence with actual medical care! keep around a fluorite for sinus issues, but definitely take your cold medicine) 

Important notes~

 As with any spirit, treat your crystals with respect. especially since theyre gifts from the earth. Dont act like you own a crystal. Like a piece of the earth, we really dont own land either. You arent its master and it doesnt have to do what you say. when you buy a crystal, youre pretty much signing up to be its guardian, and adding it to your team. be good to the earth, and to your friends, and a crystal will be good to you. 

if you have suggestions on other ways to work with crystals, comment! I hope this post was informational and not a complete rambling mess. have fun working with your rocks, yall~. Post about crystal skulls coming soon.  

Admin Fifa~

[tumblunni]

gettinG REALLY KINDA SALTY about digimon world next order u guys GOD GODDDDD its like the sequel we always wanted to digimon world... IN GAMEPLAY IN GAMEPLAY ONLY the plot is SO BAD its so bad in THE WORST WAY its a good game with a bad plto, so it frustrates me infinately more cos i WANT it to be good enough to live up to the rest of the game! and it has infinate spewing geysers of potential that went completely untapped cos of lazy bullshiT!

and its not like they had a lot to live up to or anything?? like.. the first digimon world practically DID NOT have a plot 90% of it was just free open gameplay with sassy dialogue yes but no real overarching narrative it had an excuse why the story started, and it had a very cathartic ending to it all. But it was all up to you to decide in what order our nameless protagonist did it all, who he met, how he won, what bits he might have missed entirely even! it was so fun cos it was a game where EVERY quest was a sidequest! the only real thing that would stay the same is that you needed to complete a certain amount of those sidequests to unlock the final boss quest, but which ones you pick is totes up to you. Except that there was an annoying bug in the PAL version that meant that one area had a random chance of being locked off thus the ending fight never spawns :P But even if i never actually finished the game I still had infinate enjoyment making my own story, yknow?

so the bad plot shenanigans in next order are annoying because they also made really foolish gameplay decisions to FORCE you to follow this main plot stuff is way less open, very very VERY commonly you can unlock a damn area, walk around in it, and every sidequest in it just refuses to start because you havent hit the right chapter milestone. and it gets to be increasingly stupid excuses too! most of the time the npc is just like ‘yeah i have a huge emergency but I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT’ *sits there panicking forever* How the fuck do they even know I’m ‘not worthy’ anyway, and why would it MATTER??? In DW1 if youre underlevelled for an area you just find out cos you fail the quest! you at least get to see what it is and KNOW what you have to work towards to be prepared next time! plus the plot is just a huge fuckin textdump of nonsense pseudo science that is never explained, its EVERYONE ELSE just doing stuff offscreen instead of letting you even see the potentially cool plot threads! and whenever anything has to happen they have some made-up excuse why everyone can just magically know what the villain is planning, due to this pseudoscience, and they HAVE to explain it EVERY TIME which just makes it far clearer that its a terrible plot hole??? and they waste all this time on this yet skip over vitally important stuff like ENTIRE CHARACTER ARCS and LETTING YOU ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE. All you ever fuckin do is be the one to defeat machinedramon cos everyone else is inexplicably weak and useless! oh and EVERY FUCKING BOSS IS MACHINEDRAMON AGAIN AND AGAIN goDDDDDDDDDD

anyway, The Awful Plot is that [insert made up magic excuse here] is turning everyone into Machinedramon clones with a virus and somehow this is bad because as well as digivolving to an arbitrary form they also turn evil for no reason and then its just YEARS AND YEARS of people explaining exactly how the virus must have been created and like five different contrived things we can do to slow it down and then after like FIFTY HOURS we finally get out first appearance of the fucking villain. as a silhouette. in the background. im at 90 hours now and i still dont even know his fucking name, or why the fuck he wants everyone to be machinedramon. but man it was vitally important to instead waste time explaining the ‘antivirus enforcer program’ and how it would totally be useful only to reveal it was taken out offscreen before the game even started and now it’s a villain. cos like we needed five more fake villain minions to delay this actual villain man’s appearance, UUUUUGH! none of them even talk! its just magic virus that makes you magically evil. and why did we need to explain the compelx metaphysics of an antivirus when ultimately you could have just said ‘its omegamon, he’s a big hero in this setting, he got turned evil and now we have to save him’. Why did we need a misdirect that this antivirus wasnt a person??? why did we need to go on a quest to find a guy who can make flower seeds and then plant the flower seeds in the most contrived way waiting 1 ingame day between each step, then somehow the plant is a clue that omegamon is evil SOMEHOW and then its still 30 hours til we fucking meet the guy... sorry, sorry, this probably makes about as little sense as it did to me. i just had to try and give an example of a particular main quets line that FUCKING PISSED ME OFF and i STILL dont know what any of it means so i cant even explain it to you! i got spoiled for the goddamn ending and i STILL dont know why there was an omegamon-predicting rafflesia that took one ingame month to get past...

BUT YEAH SORRY IM TRYING TO SUMMARIZE THIS

theres some mystery villain who’s turning everyone into machinedramon for no reason thats the plot and youre not really given a reason why this town needs you to recruit more digimon except somehow if you get [insert amount here] prosperity that’ll take enough time that jijimon will finish magically hacking [insert plot device here] to find the next location of [whatever the thing is]... i mean its vaguely mentioned once at the start that a machinedramon destroyed the town or something? so i guess maybe we can assume all the townsfolk actually died and we’re getting new ones/searching for their reincarnated selves or something. Man if that was ACTUALLY THE INTENTION and ACTUALLY EXPLAINED then it would have been pretty damn good! it’d add some interestingness to the sidequests if the digimon had to recover lost memories of being someone else in the city once. plenty of potential for interesting interactions if their new digiegg’d self is a wildly different form or something! Like that could have been a good setup for the one endearing fashion designer skullgreymon who’s super sad about looking so scary. Also seriously WHY DID SKULLGREYMON NOT GET TO OPEN A FASHION SHOP?? why did they remove that feature from reDigitize, this game is for a far more powerful console so it couldnt have been impossible to add in... (I still have no clue how they managed to pull off actual digimon customization on the first generation psp! WHY IS THIS THE ONLY UNDUBBED GAME) so yeah the original DW1 even had a more solid establishing plot here, even though it was 99% less text! ‘for some reason digimon are turning violent and losing their abiloty to speak, all my friends at this city slowly dissappeared into the wilderness, please solve this mystery and bring them back’. THAT WAS INTERESTING! That had an actual reason why recruiting shopkeepers equals plot progression, you were ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING, not just waiting for someone else to decode an ambiguously explained ‘frequency’ to point you at your next key item/FIGHTING THE SAME DAMN BOSS AGAIN :P

ALSO ALSO why no analogman WHY NO ANALOGMAN how does this make ANY SENSE?? why is it even machinedramon in particular, if not for the fact it was analogman’s digimon in the first game??? thats just getting my hopes up for no damn reason! why didnt we get to see The Very Original Villain come back and get fully voiced dialogue and maybe some more development on who he is and what his backstory is or whatever his plot was minimal back then because it was a very low tech game, now we have NO EXCUSE for it :P its just ‘yeah his entire presence in the plot is that someone on the writing team was inspired by his postgame sidequest, i guess’ cos a ‘machinedramon virus’ did technically exist, but it was more like just an excuse for why the final boss battle was replayable for your enjoyment. a random digimon would turn into the final boss battle (sans analogman cos he’s Mysteriously Vanished And/Or Potentially Dead seriously that was SUCH A SEQUEL HOOK and they DIDNT TAKE IT) so like seriously they took ANALOGMAN’S ACTUAL VIRUS POSTGAME THING THAT HE MADE and yet no analogman! WHY! and also it fucking sucks to try and base a whole game’s plot on a single dialogueless sidequest that was just an excuse for battle replayability some guy just probably took 0.2 seconds to think ‘yeah maybe the computer the villain left behind does a virus thing to make the boss replayable’ and some fuckin bright spark decided to make an entire game about it IT DOES NOT WORK hell, a good writer could have made it work! if theyd expanded upon the vagueness and explained things! or gave motivations! or used it as a reason for analogman to retURN AND HAVE A FUCKING PLOT seriously WHY did they have to make this game be marketed as A DIRECT SEQUEL TO THE FIRST GAME they were just setting themselves up for failure yo every fucking thing in the game is 100% unrelated except someone else is doing analogman’s signature plan and the protagonist from DW1 makes an entirely pointless cameo just to remind you its supposed to be a sequel and is FAILING

OKAY OKAY SERIOUSLY LETS TALK ABOUT *HIM*

mameo mameo poor mameo you literally only existed to trick people into buying the game with a fake plot that doesnt exist it was marketed as if he’s the villain, and it got everyone curious about it, and then no he isnt he’s just mistaken for the villain once in his introduction as an excuse to drag out another pointless sidequest instead of progressing the plot then he just becomes a mostl;y voiceless useless npc who does more magic unexplained science to magically amke the plot do whatever the writers need it to do without needing to ACTUALLy have a REASON why it HAPPENS, gaAAHHHH he’s just magically a super hacker now, like how jijimon is magically a super hacker now, and blablabla jijimon for some reason couldnt track down the next place the villain would strike but mameo can the end end of mameo’s entire plot gone. oh, aside from a brief mention again that he’s developed a prototype antidote for the machinedramon virus and then it fails. which just exists to be an excuse for another plot to happen without (AGAIAN) any actual reason it happened, or any form of development or player participation. blablabla oh no one of the hero’s friends’s digimon got infected by the virus so now you get a boss battle against them, and they dont have to leave the plot or change or grow cos magic antidote thing turned them back. But it didnt REALLY work, she’ll just turn back into machinedramon in like 50 days or something blah blah. please feel sad for this character you barely know, who is facing no consequences for what they did, but we’re telling you they might maybe sometime in the future, but of course they never will because the plot doesnt actually have a time limit. Also please believe that mameo is useful! and its just ITS JUST SO FRUSTRATING!!! cos mameo is still THE BEST PART OF THE DAMN GAME! he’s the only character who seems to have any damn effort or emotion put into him, his english voiceactor really stands out in a cast of bored-sounding people. It feels like whoever voiced him was maybe actually a fan of the first game? And he gets to sound so cool and act so cool and look so cool and have really good sassy moments and then HAVE NO PRESENCE IN THE PLOT AT ALL! GAHHHHH!! why must you waste EVERYTHING???

ultimately the only real thing this game gave us was finally having a name for DW1 protagonist, and getting to know that he grows up to work with computers and gets to retain his ability to visit the digital world forever, and he still loves his partner [insert name of whatever you called it when you played] but EVEN THAT is fucking wasted!!! They say that Mameo’s original digimon from last time was somehow cursed to be stuck as a digiegg, as an excuse for not.. yknow.. having to canonize any particular partner choice and upset the fans. Even though the postgame cutscene in the first game already canonized Mamemon as his partner and you literally named him for it! (the excuse in-universe is that Mameo is a nickname and we still dont know what his canon name is. also he has a cute mamemon patch sewn on his beanie hat this time! that made my heart melt even as i was grumping about bad plotlines lol) Oh and this is also probably just an excuse for mameo being sidelined with no plot role, like he’s too powerful to let him actually fight or anything :P its making me mad cos im kinda imagining how this game would have worked so much better if mameo actually was the protagonist??? like, have him summoned back to face this new threat, and his powerful digimon is knocked back down to a digiegg and has to start over. i mean the actual protagonist ALREADY HAS THAT PLOT! you literally start as someone who’s EVEN STRONGER than mameo, you have an omegamon and then machinedramon kills it/them and you start over. And like.. if they decided to make a new hero cos they wanted male and female options, honestly just give me a female version of mameo and im fuckin fine. Pokemon Crystal retconned in a female option to a game that didnt have one before, and nobody complained! Oh and they dont even need to justify why mameo is clueless in this setting, cos its literally a different digital world anyway. Somehow. he fell through dimensions or something, they explain it very poorly. (WHAT A SURPRISE) actually, THAT is a huge wasted potential too! cos it means he never even gets to have a tearful reunion with jijimon and other npcs he met last time, instead every digimon that was in DW1 is just explained away as being a parallel universe equivelant that’s never met mameo. SeriouslY WHAT is up with this game and explaining ridiculous excuses to justify their pltoholes instead of just NOT WRITING THE PLOTHOLES??? i mean you could have just said this is like the digital world of the future. just like how mameo’s original adventure had him return to the human world and only one day had passed, maybe the amount of time it took him to grow up is the equivelant of centuries in the digital world? so Floatia could still be a new town, and everyone could be like descendants/reincarnations of the old npcs, and the digital world could have gained a bunch of new areas and etc. EASY EXPLANATION it wasnt necessary to make up a FUCKING HOUR LONG PLOTHOLE VERSION WITH METAVERSE SCIENCE

ALSO why dont we ever get to have any character exploration of like.. anyone?? why doesnt anyone get personality or scenes where you can actually get attatched to them and stuff. why are they just silent floating npcs that do NOTHING and then suddenly are revealed to have had a plot offscreen while you weren’t looking?? literally you are not even introduced to the two male and female friend characters they just.. come into existance in the plot you dont really get a scene of their personality or them getting to know you, or anything?? its just ‘oh i guess two other humans fell into the digital world’ then they sit around as silent npcs for 30 hours while you do everything without them then they just add some miscellaneous comments at the end of a main plot quest and oh i guess its been revealed that female character’s salamon digivolved into gatomon offscreen with no real emotional reason why it had to happen now, or any sign she was even training in the same way you are?? and then that just continues oh i guess she has an angewomon now and then you find out that offscreen her and angewomon were arguing about a problem that was never mentioned before offscreen you dont even SEE them arguing and its like you dont find out what its about no you just get a literal text that her and angewomon had a fight offscreen and angewomon ran away offscreen and hey can you go find her cos for some reason I CANT EVEN DO MY OWN DAMN PLOT then its just ‘oh no please worry that the character youve never even reallY MET has been struggling from a thing never mentioned before, and now she might die from a virus we never saw her get infected with’ and YOU have to defeat her beserk form and cure her and calm her down while her tamer just STANDS THERE and also btw she DIGIVOLVED INTO ANGEWOMON OFFSCREEN IN THE FIRST PLACE so its ‘hey please find my digimon who ran away’ and she’s A DIFFERENT DIGIMON when you find her! its THAT rushed! and then she digivolves again immediately afterwards because somehow being saved by SOMEONE COMPLETELY UNRELATED helped her bond enough with her tamer to become mega level and also the plot of her having the virus is just magically discarded instantly cos WHY NOT And after ALL this bullshit, what is it that they even argued about? it was just The Oldest Trope In The Book, a stupid misunderstanding caused by people not talking about something even though there is no reason why they wouldnt. Angewomon got upset that her tamer wanted to go home to the human world, thinking she’d done something wrong to cause it. And her tamer had just NEVER MENTIONED to anyone ever that she had twin sisters who’re suffering from sitcom disease or something and she’s worried they might not be okay without her. And like.. honestly why did there even NEED to be an excuse why she needed to go home? its natural for someone to miss home, it could have been solved much quicker in like one damn conversation yo. ‘hey i dont want to leave because i dont enjoy having a digimon, its because i have other friends back home too’ And honestly its kinda contrived how angewomon would even not understand that to begin with? this angewomon has a personality like a very young child too, which just makes it even more of a shame that we spend barely any time with her as her rookie form and pretty much never even LEARN that she’s like a little sis figure until this damn sidequest. this is the longest screentime these two ever had, and the first and only time theyre mentioned to have personalities and backstory! and its THEIR FINAL SCENE T_T and seriously it DOESNT EVEN MEAN ANYTHING to see her digivolve into a mega when none of these characters ever actually get to fight, or even exist in the plot theyre just stated to be having their own adventures offscreen. EVERYTHING OFFSCREEN! i mean GAHH the new gameplay even woulda justified this?? like, instead of having two digimon partners maybe you could bring along an assistant character to fight with you! or hell, maybe you could have both! if they can prove they can handle two playable characters onscreen at once then why not three? make everyone like social links that get stronger as you befriend them! and it;’d be a big help to developing your own digimon too, yo! like, these characters are at preset levels to you’re always gonna be able to be more powerful than them if you try. but it makes it less painful when your digimon reincarnates, you could partner up with a champion-level friend and they could help you train out in the field! hell, maybe add a feature of them being able to join in with the training gym too?? that’d be a better excuse for the daily bonuses than just... there’s daily bonuses. why does one particular training gym give better results on thursdays? maybe cos a certain character is there on that day and helps out!

and anyway where was i OH YEAH WHY IS THERE NOT AN ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PLOT FOR MAMEO IN PARTICULAR he at least got an establishing scene and some cool dialogue, so im more invested in him than the other empty presences in this plot! like, we could have examined his actual emotions about his childhood digimon partner being stuck essentially in a coma with no idea if he’ll ever see them again. a guy hugging the digiegg of his poor dead mamemon is something you’d think they’d give SOME attention to! but he just talks about it so casually as if we should all already know, and then its NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. It literally IS just an excuse to keep mameo from being able to fight alongside you! more plots! you could have an actual friendship sidequest of him being like your mentor, passing down the torch to the next generation of heroes. we could explore the plot of an adult digimon tamer more! what is it like, is it ever difficult? What is his day to day life even like? its implied that he’s able to go to the digital world at will like the 02 protagonists, so can his mamemon come to the human world too? did he have to take it to school and hide it in his bag like davis and co? did he basically live The Better Written Version Of That Season??? Did his parents ever find out? Does his mamemon still run on digimon world rules, like is the gameplay actually meant to be canon in-universe? does the protagonist digimon only live 10-20 days while everyone else gets to have a good ‘ol long life? has it been sad for mameo that his best friend keeps dying and reviving like 12 times a year, and never remembers him? i really hope thats not how it works, seriously. itd make for a good sad plot tho... And seriously why couldnt this have been the same jijimon in the same town and they get to meet again and we get nostalgic heartwarmingness???

oh and the other ‘friend’ character is even worse, seriously he does absolutely nothing except complain about how upset he is that other people dare to be better than him wah wah but a girl digivolved before me wah he started off looking like a normal cute nerd guy but then he deliberately infects his growlmon with the virus to try and become stronger, and he seems to get off scott free for it?? cos the plot is so vague and undeveloped it rushes through his realizing he’s wrong and it just seems so un-genuine. and we dont even get to see him meeting his digimon again and apologising once he gets reincarnated! its just you see him die horribly cos his tamer infected him with a fucking death virus out of ego that he’s so perfect and so strong he could handle the power. and then you just.. see him again and he’s a baby jyarimon and its all fine. you just see jyarimon following this tamer’s silent npc model around and its like DID YOU EVEN APOLOGISE AT ALL?? apparantly his digimon never even got mad at him or anything about it! it makes me feel so damn sad for the poor guy, i mean he spent so long trying to tell his tamer he’s not useless for not being stronger than the otehrs,a nd blaming himself for not being able to digivolve, and yet STILL tamer guy chose to ignore him and force him to virus-digivolve while he was begging not to! And we dont get to see the consequences for this! we get to see him learn his goddamn canned lesson of the day but we dont get to see him apologise and yukimura the guilmon just reincarnates and goes right back to being a silent mindlessly obedient npc who never complains when he’s mistreated :( and its so fucking stupid cos the plot even started off promising, it started off seeming like the problem was just ‘i’m not strong enough to protect people like you are, protagonist’. but its so badly written it felt like it derailed into him just being egotistical?? and whining about being blessed with this magical monster pal who isnt THE BEST magical monster pal so why even fucking bother. and the game acts like he’s justified cos he has ~a boring school life~. He has no problems at all but he’s just AVERAGE and not THE BEST, and oh gosh that terrible terrible fate has just worn down on him and made him have no self confidence. except yknow for all the scenes where he’s screaming ‘IM THE BEST, I DESERVE THIS’ throughout this fucking stupid plot... its like i can see what he was supposed to be, but they really failed??? i think i would have liked what he was SUPPOSEd to be... also it sucks that yukimura’s evil digivolution is inexplicably skullgreymon instead of megidomon (i think thats the name?) Yknow, the one guilmon actually turned into in tamers and it only had a one episode appearance but it was really scary cool! man it never gets to reappear in the games, no wonder i keep forgetting its name :P

aaaaargh and i just listened to the final battle music on the soundtrack and i havent got that far yet but i just know its NOT GONNA BE AS GOOD AS THIS SONG DESERVES im getting so much feels imagining what if the final boss actually WAS analogman from the first game, and if the supporting characters ACTUALLY HAD CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and they could fight alongside you to defeat him once and for all! and what if this game’s status as the direct sequel to DW1 wasnt just a fucking baldfaced lie. seriously why didnt they just remove this nonsense plot and let it be its own original thing, if they werent gonna actually put effort into making the cameos actually decent.... MAMEO YOU DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER AAAAA

[deafeningcreationperson-blog]

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so my car was stolen and crashed in august and my insurance said it was a total loss because of the price a few months later they call me and say that they negotiated with the dealership and they dropped the price and fixed the car. my problem is i canceled my insurance a few days ago because i can't afford it anymore and now looking around for cheaper insurance not knowing the dealership didnt recieve the money yet from my insurance. will my insurance still pay for it even tho the claim was unresolved and i recently canceled the policy?

Estimate how much it cost to add an additional car to insurance plan?

For a teens car. I know it is about sixty extra dollars just to add a teen to my car insurance. Can you estimate price for putting a whole new car on our plan for my teen?

Will a red light camera ticket effect my car insurance in PA?

It was for a left turn for a arrow, us and another car were there for atleast a few light changes and it would not let us go so we went when it was safe. I guess maybe the car infront of me was not on the car sensor thing in the road. Will this affect my car insurance?""

How much is car insurance for a 17 year old girl?????

for the group 1 insurance cars. how much would it be? thanks

Car Insurance and an accident?!?

So my parents are wanting me to get my own car insurance plan. Here's my question though. I got into an accident last December but my car insurance is under my dads name. Does this accident show up in my name when I ask for a quote from other insurance companies?

What is the best car insurance?

im 18 i just bought my car and now i need insurance what is the cheapest insurance out there for a guy of my age?

What's the cheapest way to get insurance when your 17?

I just bought a car and when i found out how much i had to pay i was shocked i heard something about saying you live in a different address from your parents or something i don't remember please help.

Is it legal to have two health insurances?

I am currently under my parents' insurance, however nobody accepts it where I am staying for the summer. At the end of august, I am going to be going back to college and they have a student heallth insurance that is accepted anywhere in the world. I want to get this insurance and stay on my parents' insurance because my parents' insurance has more benefits and I have a condition with my teeth that is very expensive to treat and my parents' insurance covers it completely. I doubt my schools insurance would do that. I just want to be able to be treated while I am in school where the area doesn't accept my current insurance. Is it legal for me to have my student insurance as well as my parents' insurance?""

WHERE IN THE UK DOES CHEAPEST CAR INSURANCE AT THE MINUTE?

WHERE IN THE UK DOES CHEAPEST CAR INSURANCE AT THE MINUTE?

1965 Insurance Estimate/quote?

Listen it has crossed my mind, since i live in an area with many, many 1965,66 mustangs (that are half restored, with okay engines) for sale for like 1200$ right, pretty beat up, but motor is fine. and i am 16, and i see these mustangs fly by, unnoticed and un-bought, and i thought i might want one for myself, for personal use. so what would be a average yearly (monthly also if you can) insurance cost, for personal use, say 5000-12000 miles a year, don't give me crap about mpg, or safety, or you won't find one for that price (looking at local paper, 8 listings, lowest one 750$ runs!, highest 1500$ runs!) okay THESE ARE ALL COUPES!!! NOT FATBACKS, (But try and list if you can, sepretly of course) PS: DON'T ANSWER THIS IF YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, PREFERABLE MUSTANG INTHUSIST, OR OWNER PLEASE!!! i am 16, no bad driving record, curently male, white, kentucky citizen, well another question, how much do you think a passenger and drivers side door for a 1965/66 coupe would go for, and what about a seat (passenger/driver) saw one that was close to restored missing a few things. thought i might ask as well. please help!""

I need CHEAP auto insurance HELP ASAP 10 points!!?

When I was 19 I got auto insurance for 119 dollars now I'm 23 and I have never even got a speeding ticket or ANYTHING and the lowest I can find is 150 dollars which i am *not* paying. I even get the good student discount b/c I have good grades. Please throw out some cheap insurance agencies that I can go to their websites. Do not tell me esurance, progressive, allstate, geico because I've already tried those and they want me to pay like 150-230 dollars. Am I filling the thing out wrong or something??? Tell me what do put under coverage to get the cheapest rate or direct me to a little insurance agency online that I can purchase some super cheap liability state minimum insurance please. This has been an all day task and I'm about to blow up!""

What insurance company should i use as a 17 year old male?

I am looking for the cheapest insurance firstly as with a provisional license holder and then with a full uk license, the car is a 2001 Vauxhall Corsa (Y reg) and has alloy wheels. Also if its better to be a named driver with one of my parents as the owner. Thanks""

Will I be able to buy car insurance?Thanks?

Im 19 and I was on my dads Metropolitan insurance company. I had 2004 Honda Civic but my dad had the car title in his name. I crashed my car and I was at fault so now we're waiting for the case to settle. My dad wants to wait for the case to settle before I buy another car. The case might take another year or more before its settled. I would like to buy my own insurance and my own car. How will the insurance work out or whats the cheapest insurance? Thanks

""Looking for a cheap new car (2010-2013) with good fuel economy yet sporty and cheap to insure, any ideas?""

I'm a 19 year old male so insurance pretty much sucks. I'm looking for either a new or used car that is cheap both to buy and insure, but is also sporty and fun to drive, and good on gas. Anybody have any ideas?""

What is the cheapest auto insurance?

I am going to be turning 16 soon and i am most likely am getting a 2002 ford focus. what companies offer the cheapest auto insurance for a 16 yr old on there parents insurance?

I am pregnant and need maternity insurance. Where do i get it?

I just found out I'm six weeks pregnant, and need maternity insurance. I have not been able to afford regular insurance in the past, but now I am. I've been looking everywhere online, but no answers. I know most insurances consider this a pre-existing medical condition. I'm in northern california. Please help!""

Does anyone know the insurance group prices in the UK?

looking at car insurance does anyone know how much is group is like 3E, 5 and 12 or summit is there any websites where you can find them? if anyone has any suggestions please leave below!""

Which car would be better for insurance costs?

I'm female, 25 years old, and looking to finance my first car. (And if it matters, I'm in Ontario, Canada.) I know I can call and get a quote - but wanted to open it up to the Y!A community first :) Also, I have a clean driving record, my full G license, and I took driver's ed. What are insurance rates like for each of these cars? (And if you have experience, which car would you recommend based on performance, gas, etc?) **All of the cars I'm looking at are either 06, 07, or 08 - Volkswagen Jetta - Ford Focus - Chevy Aveo - Hyundai Accent .... so basically, a smaller car. (I really like the 2007 VW Jetta)""

How much would it cost for a 16 year old with a 91-93 300zx tt?

How much would the insurance be for a 16 year old to have a 91-93 300zx twin turbo? in alabama

Can i use a PO BOX for car insurance mailing address?

When i quoted my car insurance, i used my apartment address. After i bought the insurance, i asked them to change to PO BOX as my mailing address. Later on, when i moved to another apartment, i didn't update my current physical address with my insurance company because i am using my PO BOX as my mailing address so far. My question is if somehow i get a car accident, will the insurance company deny my claim because of not telling them the current physical address? Additional information the past and current of my apartment address are still in the same state, Texas.""

Is there cheap car insurance in sharon pennsylvaniaa?

Hello im getting a car in a week and need insurance but i keep getting told its going to be around 80 dollars a month and i was paying 50 dollars in New York, I only make 400 dollars a month. Does anyone know of a cheap place for auto insurance in or around Sharon PA? thank you""

Can i get a motorcycle insurance without having a license?

Or how else am i going to take the bike for the skills test

Question about car insurance and the situation i am in?

So, i have a truck that my step-father gave to me to drive. i did a lot of work to get it up and running and looking decent. now the time has come to get insurance so that i can get tags on it and have my own vehicle. but my insurance is going to be way to much for me to afford. lame. i know. but i have a solution, my real father said that he would insure my(in step dads name) vehicle in his name dropping my insurance down to 48 bucks a month. so basically, can i get tags on a vehicle if the the insurance isnt it the vehicle owners name?""

Whats the average cost for teenage car insurance?

im going to get my permit soon and i would like to know what the average teen car insurance cost is.

What is a good car insurance company - value and a known company - not high risk?

I would like to switch car insurance companies - one because when I buy a third car and add it to my policy they charge me $5.00 for installment billing even though I pay in full - this leads to the second more serious complication which is that my husband works in the car business and on occasion decides to buy a new car b/c it is a good value and he like the car, then we sell the second car. We typically have the second car for 11-22 months. I mentioned to the insurance company that in the future I want to avoid this $5.00 fee since I always pay in full and I waving it this time wouldn't solve future issues b/c my husband is in the car business and we buy a third car to sell the second when he finds one he likes. THEN the cust svc guy goes on a rant - ARE YOU RESELLERS... blah blah blah and WE HAVE STRICT UNDERWRITING GUIDELINES blah blah blah etc. I tell him that holding onto a car for the time periods that we have would certainly indicate that we are not... and titling it""

Car insurers recommendations?

hi there people, Since passing my test in December, I have been looking to buy (and insure) a car. Shortly I will be able to afford a little run around and have been getting insurance quotes for cars like the Fiesta and Corsa. I have noticed that over the last few months comparison site quotations have jumped from an average of 1800 to 3000 for someone in my circumstances. I have read and understand why car insurance has been hiked up, no win no fee claims are more popluar, fraud and bogus claims and economic recession are responsible for a massive increase in car insurance premiums...Im so angry at these things. I cannot believe this as I though 1800 was extortionate to begin with. I have found Elephant insurance who are quoting me reasonable prices however, back to around the 1800 mark. Please can you recommend any other good car insurers for first time drivers. I am 33 and live in Manchester England. All the big name insurance sites that appear on comparison sites see like a rip off, so any smaller insurers you have had experience of would be useful;, Thanks.""

UK CAR INSURANCE QUESTON?

I've recently cancelled my car insurance and started a van insurance and used my no claims bonus from my car for the van, I've now decided that im best to keep the car and im wanting to insure it again, I got quotes without my no claims bonus and its stupid prices even though I said that I have the no claims on the van If I used the no claims on the car it brings it right down to a more sensible price Can I use my no claims bonus on two cars? If not can I tell my van insures that I want my insurance with 0 no claims and for them to amend my policy- ive only just took out the policy and am still in the process of sending off the no claims proof from the car Regards im advance""

What does it mean Going of your parents car insurance? ?

I heard that you can register the car to my parents car insurance and it will be loads cheaper for myself, but its apparently fraud? What could happen? If I crash my car should I just leave it and run?""

Homeowners insurance and flood insurance?

i have a bank of america loan of 72,000 wondering how much should i be paying for insurance coverage. i pay both insurances separate 400 a year for homeowners coverage amount of 190,000 with my chosen insurance and bank of america is asking for coverage amount of 180,000 (1,900 a year) in flood insurance they placed. legally shouldn't i pay less than what my mortgage is worth. bank an gent said i have to talk to homeowners insurance to lower my coverage in order to lower there purchasing flood insurance.they said they re going by the homeowners insurance i have. So i will be visiting the agent insurance soon to make changes , so how much coverage should i be purchasing and exactly be paying yearly.""

Auto Insurance questions?

I just bought a new car and moved out of my mothers house. I have been on her auto insurance as well since I was going to school while I was living there, after graduating, I finally ...show more""

The best car insurance company for a young driver?

Hey guys I'm 18 and about to get my first car and I've been notified that i need a car insurance before even buying a car from a car dealership. HELP! I've heard that young driver's insurance is more expensive than experienced driver's insurance, Is there a cheap car insurance for beginning drivers?""

Which insurance agencies help pay for braces?

I need braces and I'm looking for a good affordable insurance agency that I can get them through.

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?""

Scooter Insurance Certificate ?

How long would it take to receive a Insurance Certificate through the post ? And can it be done through Email ? I need to know because im dong my CBT soon but my bike has no TAX at the moment. And can anyone recommend a good CHEAP insurance company ? Thank You Very Much James

For a BMW Mini Cooper Would car insurance be cheap for me?

My dad has an old mini cooper, it must be around 20/25 years old.""

Need help! ASAP! What will the insurance company say?

My boyfriend and I were at a stop light the light turned green. We started to go (this area is under contraction so the lanes are all messed up). The car in front of stops then hits their braks so did my boyfriend but it was to late we hit her. The car started to coast back and hit us again. Then we tryed to pull of to the side. We realized that it was a chain reaction. Car #1 was hit by car #2, car #3 hit car # 2 and we hit car #3 in that order. We did not launch all the cars together. I did call the police and we got the stupidest officer there was that pretty much wrote the story up wrong. At the sence everyone was agreeing what happend. The woman we hit was a 77 year old lady. The first thing she when she got out of the car was she couldn't get her car in gear. (I don't know why it was out of gear but ok) Car #1 and Car #2 said they weren't going to do anything about their cars insurance company wise. Car #2 I'm sure will be going after the older woman in Car #3. The older woman said since it was likely the bumper would just buff out it was ok for my boyfriend to do that for her. But he said he would not touch the front of her car. (After talking to the insurace company they said my boyfriend fixxing it is a bad idea) My boyfriends car is the worse out of all of them it smashed in hood in, and broke the radatior brakets. (His car sat higher then hers and thats why it smashed it) The cop did try to write my boyfriend a ticket but the woman said it wasn't his fault the other cars hit before he hit Car #3. How will the insurance company handle this? What will happen to our car? We have Geico inusrance will no colistion insurance. It seems like his inusrance company is trying to say it was all his fault.""

Renters insurance for apartments?

When renting an apartment at a complex or apartment building, is renters insurance always mandatory?""

How can i know how many people have health insurance coverage in my city?

(please give me a source as in to where i can find this information)

About how much per month would insurance for a sub shop/pizza place cost an owner?

Doing research in attempt to know how much it will take to get a small sub shop off the ground. A big question is insurance. In this day in age, I would hate to be sued by someone who slips outside and falls. I will be renting the property from a local land owner. The building is 1,000 square feet, small joint. What is a general range of which I might in liability insurance for my business? Located in ohio small town.""

Looks Like my Insurance wont want to pay out for my damaged car?

I got hit by a car recently and my car was taken away for repairs. I have just been told by my insurance that my car should not have been on the road reason being that its half and half . I did my due diligence before buying this car in 2011, HPI checks and all and it came out clean. The insurance company also confirmed this as well to me. Now it looks like my insurance company does not want to pay out for my car and they want to cancel my insurance and leave me without a car. WHAT DO I DO. PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME. I AM A SINGLE MUM WITH 3 KIDS.""

Who in california needs auto insurance?

Does an 18 year old driving a car under his parents name need auto insurance? Or is it only have your own registered car?

Teen car insurance??

Im a 16 year old male looking for insurance. My gpa is 3.2 and play 2 sports. I was wondering how much it would run me to have insurance in California for a 67 mustang coupe?? And in comparison to a 2002 audi a4?

Insure the box car insurance? miles question?

hi ive recently done a quote with insure the box and i got my insurance to 1600 on 2006 corsa 998c engine fully comp, i understand they give you 6000 miles standard my question is if i go over 6000 miles i need to top up how much does that cost? 250miles ? 500miles? 1000 miles ? and so on ? anyone know thanks""

Cheap Car Insurance for an 19 Year Old?

I am 19 years old and have found a good deal on an '09 Challenger , obviously this being a sports car and me being a 19 year old male my insurance rates would shoot through the roof to astronomical proportions. So my question is, what car insurance should I get if I decide to go through on this deal? I have already looked at Esurance and Progressive and have found nothing below $500, I am hopefully wanting to pay around $200-$300 if that is even possible. Please answer with suggestions about good companies or maybe even experiences where you were able to get really cheap insurance, please anything is helpful this is my dream car and I have the opportunity to seize it.""

How much will my car insurance renewal be?

I am currently insured with Admiral for my car. My insurance is up for renewal next month and I am just wondering if anybody with prior experience of them knows how much of a discount i may expect, if anything at all. My insurance last year was around 1,100 I am 22, I have had my licence for 4 years, And I will now have 1 years no claims. Thanks in advance :) Rob""

Can my car get repossessed for lapse of insurance?

Okay so short and sweet my loan company called and says my insurance lapsed now is this a problem by means can they come get the car like in the same fashion as if I were not paying on it? But can they still get it even if I am making the right payments on time? Also if I fax them my insurance card showing I have the card with proof of the insurance til may will they take that as a form or do they need to contact the company directly?

My Insurance auto accident settlement?

I was recently in a car accident where a Nissan truck ran into the back of another car that then ran into the back of me causing $2000 worth of damage to the rear of my infiniti. I received moderate whiplash to my neck and had to be taken to the hospital. I checked out without any broken bones and was prescribed medication. I went to see a chiropractor and he has been working on my neck for a couple days which makes it feel a better. Im 100% not at fault and the insurance company has taken care of my car repair, rental, and medical bills. They ask me How much do I think I want for this accident for pain and suffering. I believe I am entitled to at least $3500-5000 for my suffering I live in NC. I believe $5000 is a reasonable consider the circumstances. I could have lost my life, broke my neck and been paralyzed for life. Thank the lord that I received only a whiplash. The stress that I am undergoing, the constant pain in my neck is a reminder of the accident, which I feel fearful of driving. The time I spent recovering could have been spent enjoying my life. Besides getting behind in my school work, I am absent from my student organization at school which I am a key figure ( president AGC). I don't enjoy waking up with cramps and headaches nor do I like to take prescription pills, and therapy. I don't want to be compensation a insufficient amount that wont even cover pain and suffering I went though. It seems like you people are on the side of the insurance company and not the victims in this situation. I wonder if any of you have ever been in an automobile accident and if you have must share some sort of empathy of what I am reiterating.""

Can i get a motorcycle insurance without having a license?

Or how else am i going to take the bike for the skills test

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/tip-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-ga-kyle-perkins/"

[trendingnewsb]

Heather Heyer’s Mom: I Have To Hide Her Grave From The Nazis

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VirginiaHeather Heyers ashes are interred in a safe place, says her mother Susan Bro, at an unmarked, undisclosed, completely protected location.

This site cannot be publicly known because of all those extremists who profess their hatred for Heyer and Bro, and who convey their continued threats of violence toward Bro and others of Heyers family. The location is also secret to protect those who work there, says Bro.

She visits Heyer there in peace, and other members of the family and close friends have been to the location, or will be told in time where the place is and taken there.

Its a symptom of hate in society that you should have to protect your childs grave, for Petes sake, says Bro. So, Im protecting my child now.

As she tells me this, what sounds like the wheezing of a dying animal fills the small room we are in. Bro laughs at how horrific the computer hard drive sounds, especially as we are talking about the death of her daughter at the same time as the machines mortal gurgling continues. Every time I think I turn it off, the computer seems to turn itself on again and the guttural howling begins anew.

Shes here, Heathers here, Bro says, smiling, of the machine in the side office of the Miller Law Group, where Heyer worked as a paralegal, aiding people facing bankruptcy. Heyer, 32, was killed after being struck by a car while protesting against white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Aug. 12. Many other counterprotesters alongside her were injured.

President Trump blamed many sides for the Charlottesville violence, and said there very fine people on both of those sides. After seeing these remarks, Bro would not take his calls.

Today, Bro will speak in detail about what she sees as Trumps encouragement of white supremacy, about her daughters alleged killer who she will face for the first time in court Thursday, of seeing her daughters body for the final time, and of cradling her asheswhich reminded her, piercingly, of cradling Heyer as a baby.

Bro will also speak of not living in fear of those who threaten her, and of her heartfelt commitment to consolidating a legacy of social justice in her daughters memory. Her plain-spoken warmth and fierce eloquence have impressed many.

When I ask if she holds President Trump in any way responsible for her daughters death, Bro says: Im starting to come to that conclusion because he definitely pushes forward a hateful agenda. There are family members that will possibly not have anything to do with me for saying so. Many family members are strong Trump supporters, and continue to be so despite everything they see.

At Miller Law, Heyers desk is occupied by another person now. Her boss and mentor Alfred Wilson admonishes himself when he picks up the phone to ask his trusted assistant something, and says Heather, rather than Amy.

Justin Marks, one of Heathers best friends, still sits opposite her desk. Her friend Courtney Commander, who was with Heyer protesting on Aug. 12, works at the firm. Her death made international news, and transformed Heyer into a civil-rights icon.

Here, in a modest office in a nondescript building outside Charlottesville, daily life carries on, and yet sometimes, Wilson tells me, its like a beat goes missing and Heathers loss, her absence, is all too apparent and raw. On Heyers old desk is a pencil and pen holder, a computer with two screens, and above her leather chair on the wall two professional certificates, one recognizing Heyers outstanding service, performance and dedication awarded to her just three months before her death.

At Miller Law, Bro, 61, has an office out of which she runs the nascent Heather Heyer Foundation, set up to support the next generation of social-justice leaders. Bro runs it with three volunteers. As long as Im doing something proactive, I can control the feelings, the emotions, a little better, Bro says, as the computers death-rattle wheezes on.

On a cold December night, there is a small puddle of flowers where Heyer was killed on Charlottesvilles Fourth Street on Aug. 12. On the brick buildings on either side of the street, graffiti is written in love and pride to her memory: No More Hate, Gone But Not Forgotten, Love, and Heather written in curled lettering, a chalk image of flowers above the real ones.

On television, when the video of James Alex Fields Jr.s Dodge Challenger driving into the anti-Nazi and anti-white supremacist protestersthat included Heyerwas replayed over and over again, the street in Charlottesville may have looked large to viewers.

In reality, it is not much more than an alley off the citys main shopping drag, the Downtown Mall. (A car speeding at a group of people in such a small space immediately made this reporter think of a bowling ball launched at a tightly packed group of pins.)

This stretch of Fourth Street, between Market and Water Streets where Fields drove his car, will reportedly be renamed Heather Heyer Way.

A preliminary hearing for Fields, 20, is scheduled to be held Thursday, at Charlottesville Circuit Courthouse. Fields is charged with second-degree murder, three counts of malicious wounding, three counts of aggravated malicious wounding, two charges of felonious assault and failure to stop that led to death. (Crowds are expected to gather at court; nearby streets will be closed off.)

Heyer was among a crowd of protesters who were demonstrating against the white supremacists, white nationalists, neo-Confederates, Klansmen, neo-Nazis and various militias who had descended on Charlottesville for a Unite the Right rally, organized by Charlottesville resident Jason Kessler. (On Monday, Charlottesville denied Kesslers application to hold an anniversary rally there. The proposed demonstration or special event will present a danger to public safety, the city wrote to Kessler.)

Nineteen people were injured by Fields car. He had traveled from Ohio to attend Kesslers rally, which had been organized to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee from Charlottesvilles Emancipation Park, a few minutes walk away from where Heyer died and where there had been disturbances earlier that day.

A short walk from Lees statue is a statue of Gen. Thomas Stonewall Jackson in Justice Park. Both are now covered in black tarp, invisible but still present. At night they loom like giant phantoms.

The statue of Thomas Jefferson at the University of Virginia, where far-right protesters had gathered holding flaming tiki torches on Friday, Aug. 11, remains uncovered, a lone security guard keeping watch nearby.

Around 30 University of Virginia students had stood around the statues base as the mainly white marchers, dressed in khakis and polo shirts, had shouted such slogans as Blood and soil! You will not replace us! and Jews will not replace us!

Bro won plaudits for speaking so powerfully at her daughters memorial service held at Charlottesvilles Paramount Theater, delivering an impressive, moving, and fully rounded vision of her daughters life, where she also stated: They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well guess what, you just magnified her.

I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued.

An independent report on the Charlottesville violence and police response to it, published this month, sharply criticized both the local law enforcement and local authorities.

Bro echoes the findings. I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued, she tells The Daily Beast. We need to look to cities like Boston and San Francisco to see how they prepare for when these hate groups come to town.

I ask if Bro holds the police and authorities responsible for Heyers death. Well, things could have turned out differently had they responded differently. Its not for me to figure out the whys and wherefores. But we know, according to the report, that all they put there was a school resource officer who definitely had a reason to fear for her safety. She wasnt given protection. And then to simply leave one sawhorse to stop traffic

He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

Does Bro hold Fields responsible for Heyers death?

Absolutely. Nobody made him do anything. I know he claims he felt threatened. The only time people were attacking his car was when he drove into a crowd, and people were attacking his car because he was driving over top of them. He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

It was a pretty stupid move. Hes old enough to know better. My husband Kim looked at what he did, and said it reminded him of a video game, except in one of those you drive through people, and bodies fly everywhere with no consequence. I dont know the kid, Ive never met him. The first time I will see him will be in court this week. I will be going.

Initially when her daughter died, Bro flinched at looking at anything related to it, all videos and photographs, until she got through the initial horror.

Then I thought, I have to know what is going on here. Part of making myself tougher and stronger and fixing my purpose and not turning away from it is partly as a response to the bullies who would love to me see cry and in pain.

I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

She will see Fields in court today, because I feel this is part of what I owe my child. It behooves me to be strong. It also renews my sense of purpose about why I am doing what I am doing. I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

The part of Fourth Street where Fields struck the protesters is small. Its an alley, not a road. Bro drove a lawyer past it recently. I was trying to explain to her whether he could see people or not, you could absolutely see the end of the street. There is no reason to gun it except for the sole intention of killing. There was no mistaking the fact he was driving into a crowd.

What would she ask Fields if she could?

What the hell were you thinking? What did you think was going to be outcome of this?

Fields has not been in touch. Bro is sure his lawyer would not want him to be.

Beyond Fields, I ask Bro if she believes white supremacy and hate killed Heyer that day?

Oh, of course. Of course. I mean she knew that was a possibility, but no one thinks they will be killed for standing up for their beliefs. She didnt go there to be a martyr. This is part of my frustration with people, who either make her out to be a martyr in that she went there to die, or that she was a saint and angel and godly person.

Bro claps her hands as she says the following words, slowly and loudly for emphasis: Heather was a normal 32-year-old girl.

I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis.

Bro still does not want to speak to President Trump.

He responds off the cuff. He doesnt bother to think before speaks, or very calculatedly is trying to manipulate all of us. Im not sure which. I can grant there was a lot of violence on both sides, but to say there were good people on both sidesthats where I draw the line.

You cant say there were good people coming into town with their fists taped prepared to draw blood and do harm. Thats not good people. Nazis: bad people. White supremacists: bad people. And I dont see that you can call it any other way. If you choose to align yourself with those people, and you choose to call them good, then youve told me what sort of person you are. So now I have your number and now I know how I choose to respond to you. And in his case, that means: Im not responding to you, you dont get my time of day.

When you continue to misspeak, and continue to misspeak, until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt.

A number of frantic phone calls came from the White House when she was at her daughters funeral. When she caught up with the news after Heyers funeral, she saw the controversy swirling around the presidents remarks.

I thought, Well, screw him, Im not dealing with this. Im not talking to him. I have no need to go through this charade of pretending to be nice and happy.

He is the president of the United States. That carries a certain weight and power with it. I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis. When someone misspeaks a time or two, its one thing, but when you continue to misspeak and continue to misspeak until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt. So, my respect definitely dims somewhat, shall we say.

I ask if Bro thinks Trump has aligned himself with white supremacy.

Well, his actions speak louder than his words. Look at the way he acted towards protesters at his rallies. He has definitely encouraged violence and hatred, and has made fun of people for race or disability, and then always tries to act like Oh, I didnt say anything. As a teacher, I can tell you that the child in the classroom who continually tries to act out like that and says, Oh, I didnt say or do anything, we held them responsible for their actions. I am seeing an upswell of those who are going to continue to hold this president responsible for his actions.

Think before you speak and speak only the truth please.

Heyer had quit speaking to a few of those family members before she died; Bro had negotiated a truce between her daughter and other Trump-supporting family members; others she left alone because the relationship wasnt strong in the first place.

Today, if she could address Trump directly, Bro would say: Think before you speak and speak only the truth, please.

He disrespects everybody, Heathers not special in that regard, Bro says of the president. He disrespects Native Americans, black people, history, everything. He has no respect for anybody. Having seen him pre- and since the election, its not surprising. He has never changed who he was. This man is not about respect. He never was, he never will be. Its who he is.

The last in-person conversation mother and daughter had was at a buffet restaurant where they talked politics, office, love life, recalls Bro. Mostly with Heather you got a word in sideways. After dinner, Kim went to the car to play video games: He knew Heather would talk for a while. Since the election, Heyers politics and commentary on Facebook had become more concentrated. She was a fervent opponent of any kind of bigotry, most recently challenging the proponents of a local anti-Muslim campaign.

On the day of her death, out on the Charlottesville streets, Heyer had calmly asked a female supporter of white supremacy why she was aligning herself with their politics.

Mother and daughters last actual conversation was by Messenger. Bro scrolls through her phone to find it, noting that so many people claim to be Heyer now.

Hey, you were you born in 56, and whats your social. Im setting up an IRA with work and I have to name a beneficiary, Heyer messaged her mom, who passed along her information as requested.

But stay alive, Bro added.

Heyer replied, lolol, Ill try thanks.

Id rather have you than the money, her mother replied.

Then she said lol, and we sent the love emoticon to each other, Bro says quietly.

And that was the last conversation I had with my kid.

Her voice cracks.

That was on August 3rd. You never think thats going to be the last time you talk to your child.

It was good that Heyer was getting her financial affairs in order, says Bro, even if it was all in process at the time of her death. Wilson was working with Heyer on plans to safeguard her income and have her invest in property.

The detective just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

That Saturday morning, Bro didnt know Heyer was at the counter-demonstration. She had heard of the unrest in town without realizing Heyer was caught up in it. She had had a stressful week at work, and was relaxing.

Hours before Heyers death, Bro had posted this on Facebook: If I could give my daughter three things it would be the confidence to know her self-worth, the strength to chase her dreams, and the ability to know how truly, deeply loved she is.

It was meant as a spontaneous message of love and pride to her child. Time has transformed it into something more tragically moving.

You dont expect your kid to pass away, get killed. Like that, she says.

The first moment Bro knew that something terrible had happened was when Justin Marks called her. He told her the hospital was looking for Heyers next of kin. Bro kept calling the hospital, but was told they had no one of Heyers name there.

Bro screamed for her friend Cathy to take her to the hospital. Kim, who was elsewhere, would follow them.

A stranger answered Heyers phone and said he had found it on the sidewalk.

Bro called him back to try and get hold of Marissa Blair, a friend and colleague of her daughters who been with her at the demonstration and whose fianc, Marcus Martin, had pushed her out of the path of the car (he suffered a broken leg as a result).

Bro arrived at the hospital to find it barricaded off in a state of lockdown. Security checked her bag for weapons. I was trying to grit my teeth. I told them, I have been told my child is here. Two strangers grabbed me.

Bro takes a deep breath, pauses, and starts weeping.

I knew at this point it was not good. They grabbed me very tightly and walked me up the ramp to a room. I knew I was about to pass out. I walked in and sat down. A detective introduced himself. I dont remember his name, I remember his face.

He just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

Bro is crying.

Then I called people. But every time I would close my eyes that night Id remember that moment and Id wail again. The week of the funeral I only slept 10 hours from the moment I got up on Saturday morning to the day she was buried five days later.

I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it.

I knew she was dead. I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it. I remember shaking hands with people, and people saying Im sorry. Id say again, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. My brain was locked up, it was all I could say.

Wilson and his wife Feda and daughter Amina came to the hospital.

Alfreds kids loved Heather. She even shared her Amazon Fire Stick with them.

The day Heyer was killed the hospital had asked if Bro wanted to see her, but Bro had wanted to wait for her husband to get there. Bro didnt get to see Heyers body until the day before her daughters funeral. The medical examiner had her up until then.

The computers deathly wheezing rises in volume in the little room.

I was really, really dreading seeing her body, but I needed to see her one last time.

I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

One of the two ministers who spoke at Heyers funeral met Bro at the funeral home, and prayed with her.

I felt a calm come over me. When I saw her, her face and head were kind of messed up. I knew it was her but her arm, her left arm, I recognized more specifically. We had the same arm, she had longer fingers. It was bruised, it had a lot of bruises on it. But I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

Bro and Kim were with Heyer for 10 minutes; then her father and his friend went in separately; and Heyers brother and his wife, so everyone had their special time with her.

Bro says the National Institutes of Health called two days after her daughter died to ask if they could have Heyers brain for research.

Bro gave her consent (its not like she could use it). A NIH representative called back shortly afterward to say never mind, Bro says. The medical examiner said it was not usable. She pauses. That tells me there was brain damage. When I saw her, her long beautiful hair was not visible. Im guessing it had been cut off. She had a shower cap on, her forehead had a huge lump across it, her teeth didnt quite look like in the right place to me, and she had a hospital gown on, and I saw her arm and thats all I saw of her. I dont remember if she was in a body bag or covered in a sheet.

Bros voice quivers. Thats my driving force. Dammit, you killed my kid, but Im going to make something good come out of this, in spite of it. Youre not going to shut her up, youre not going to shut up the social justice she stood for. Were going to make it bigger than ever. Were going make big things happen.

The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time.

She and Kim stayed with Heyer for five to 10 minutes that day.

After it was all over, when she was cremated and we had her ashes in an urn, we sat and held the urn for long time, Bro says, her voice cracking again.

When we are cremated theres not a lot left. I had a purple urn. Purple was Heathers color, its why her dog was named Violet. The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time. And Kim held the urn for a long time. And that was the day we spent with my kid.

They said, Dont you want take some ashes home? And I said no. Why would I take her big toe or her pinky finger home? If other people want to do that and bring closure, fine. I have no need for that. Heather is with me in my heart. I dont need a piece of her body too.

At the memorial service, she said she felt she had one shot to introduce Heyer to the world: to explain who she was and why she was at the counterprotest. She asked Heathers birth father to talk about raising Heather, and her cousins to talk about her activism.

For herself, Bro wanted to tie all the elements of her daughters life together. She talked of her daughters strength, purpose, and also her as a person in all her complexity.

To me, I was just speaking the truth. Heather and I would laugh about how, at funerals, people who were wife beaters or alcoholics are suddenly talked of as if saints. I knew she would want her life to be deconstructed honestly and real.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet.

After her powerful oration at Heyers memorial service, by chance she and Kim drove home past where Heyer was killed.

When I saw, I grabbed my husbands arm and said, Oh my God, oh my God. I screamed and I almost jumped out of the car, because the pain hit me so hard. It was the first time I had ever been there, so that was really painful.

Bro falls silent. She went on a planned visit to the site a week after her daughter died. She and Kim got lost initially, and asked for directions at a nearby farmers market. I was just sick with grief at the thought of going there. Kim and I held each other and just sobbed for three and four minutes. When I looked up there was just this wall of people up at where the Mall was, and I said, Its OK, you can come now.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet. I was so full of love and caring from other people. I had dreaded it so badly, but it turned out to be a very helpful and healing experience.

Bro went back to the street about a month after Heyers death and recommended to city officials that it should reopen.

When discussions were underway about how to mark Heyers memory in Charlottesville, a statue was discussed or the renaming of a park, both of which Bro rejected, seeing them as yet another red flag to the white supremacists and associated groups who had come to Charlottesville to protest the Confederate statues in the first place.

That is why, Bro says, she gave her support to the suggestion of renaming Fourth Street to Heather Heyer Way.

Bro took home some of the artificial flowers at the site, and scarves and bandanas that had been left there. She gave away some of the flowers to passersby. She has washed and wears some of the scarves. She has also has a purple blanket she made Heather, which she wraps herself up in in the evenings. Thats my cuddle time with Heather, she says.

All of what has happened can seem unreal to Bro.

This time last year I was happily crocheting angels and hats. I was just cooking, and it feels like it was a different life another person lived through.

My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

Bro says she has lived through several incarnations. First I got married. That first time I thought I was a happy housewife and part-time office worker and then that dream got crushed. Then I was a single mom for a while on welfare and food stamps, and then I went back to school, so I was a student and single mom, then I was a schoolteacher; then I was a bookkeeper; then I remarried after 25 years of not being married.

This is the next incarnation. My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

She used to knit and crochet voraciously, but doesnt feel she has the mental capacity for it now. The bookkeeper inside her head wants to marshal the foundations paperwork, and in the office she feels close to Heyer.

Bro says her life now is a million light years from anything I ever expected. She declines to tell me where she lives, beyond it being a town a half-hour north of Charlottesville. They have such a small police force they have been trying to avoid connecting themselves to us, she says.

Since Heyers death, hatemongers have not just targeted Heyer herself, but Susan, too. They tell Bro that Heyer deserved to die, that she was fat, that the blunt-force injury to the chest recorded as her cause of death was a CPR machine, not Fields car. Bros life has been threatened, too.

Its kind of stupid, Bro says drily. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

Not only, says Bro, is local law enforcement unable to deal with threats to Bro and the family, Heyer also disagreed with the local authorities stance on social justice. Bro didnt hold her funeral there, partly because the authorities couldnt guarantee the familys security, and also because Heyers heart was in Charlottesville, she says.

Bros home areas authorities dont want hate groups coming to the area because of Heyer, her mother says; even a planned food drive in Heyers name was canceled because of fear of far-right groups.

Theres a dichotomy in my life, says Bro. I taught in a particular place for 15 years, then worked for that state and county. Now to act as if it doesnt exist is weird. But I dont look back, I look forward. You can only move ahead with the what you have in front of you.

Heyers apartment was in the center of Charlottesville, near where she died and where she was conceived, says her mother.

That pregnancy was a last-ditch attempt to save me and my first husband Marks marriage, says Bro.

Nick, Heyers brother who is five years her senior, had been born first. Bro had been especially delighted to have a son. I never imagined having a boy. I was so happy to have him and Heather. I felt bad I didnt bring them into a stable relationship. In my mind that was selfish and irresponsible. There was a lot of loud, angry yelling, a lot of tears. It was not a good thing for Nick or Heather to be around.

Nick, who is in the Army Reserves and is married with a small child, has been devastated by his sisters death, says Bro. She was not the first person close to him to have been murdered, and he wishes to stay out of the public eye.

At the time of Heathers conception, We were sort of using birth control, says Bro. I probably thought, Were doing OK now, and it was a disaster. He [Mark] had problems at the time, though is a changed man for the better now. We were both lousy spouses. It was a bad marriage, and we split up for a final time when Heather was five months old.

The marriage had lasted eight years, the divorce took three years.

Mother and daughter, both strong-minded, clashed over the years, but were never estranged.

We would clash because she was trying to impose her will on me, Bro says, smiling. She shows me a picture of Heather at 3, where she looks brimming with a quiet anger or resolve, or both.

Bro laughs. She was going to argue with me. The storm is brewing on her face. The way to make her agree was to explain something to her to her satisfaction. Bedtimes, mealtimes: Shed argue about everything. You always needed to explain to her why something was fair and right.

There are other pictures of her and Nick playing in the Styrofoam peanuts left behind from a box of toys sent by their Florida-dwelling grandparents. One of her favorite outfits was to wear a diaper, army helmet, and Bros high heels.

Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

Heyer was a boisterous child, at least early on.

She was born with only one ear, says Bro. Her left ear was folded over. There was no hole in her skull. During fifth grade, Heyer had a series of painful, corrective surgeries. She had 20 percent hearing in that ear.

Most of us forgot, including her mother, says Bro, because she coped so well. But that did mean she couldnt locate by sound, which may have been a factor that led to her death. If a crowd was yelling and a car was coming she may not know where the car was. Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

As a young girl, Heyer didnt have any ambitions. When her mother asked her what she would like to do, to try and nudge her, Heyer replied that she would like to be a fat cat on a pillow and not have to do anything. Her mother laughed and told her that was not an option. Thats often the problem with bright kids. Things are so easy for us, we have difficulty settling into careers.

College was costly, the family didnt have any money, and Heyer had screwed around in high school, her mother says. There were no scholarships coming.

As a schoolteacher for 20 years, Bro wanted her pupils (fourth graders, aged 9 and 10) to succeed, but neither of her children liked school. They were both strong and independent, she says, and she was keen to raise people, not sheeple. She made it clear she could only be there for them in financial emergencies; when they left home, they had to support themselves.

Both Nick and Heather started work at 14, she says. Heather did waitressing and bar work; she had seen Bro do the same to supplement her teaching salary. Food-service work was always something to fall back on, she had told her children.

Bro was thrilled when Heyer came to work at Miller Law in 2012. Her daughter was getting close to 30 at the time, and her mother thinks she was taking stock of her life, and figuring out she did not want to be a waitress at 70. That was a pivot point for her. I had mine closer to 40 or 50, Bro laughs.

After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Heyer didnt want to have children, though she loved and doted on other peoples. She adored Violet, her Chihuahua (who now lives with a close friend of hers).

The family marked the holidays by going to Bros parents place.

I tried preparing a big meal a time or two. Heather said, Mom, youre killing yourself. This is no fun for any of us. At her suggestion, we stopped doing the big meal last Thanksgiving. So for Christmas, Easter, and what we would have done at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everyone went to Subway and got their favorite sub.

Heather also prepared a whole crockpot of mac and cheeseit was a deluxe, calorie-laden Paula Deen recipeand three dozen deviled eggs. I found out from her best friend after she died, she hated making them. She felt a family obligation to take it on: piles and piles food we couldnt possibly eat. After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Cathy enters to say goodbye. Bro says they have been friends for 18 years, through thick and thin. It carries back and forth as to who needs who, and now I need her. I never had a close friend like that before, Im an odd duck. I laugh at the wrong jokes. I was much more stubborn and hard-headed in the past.

Her daughter was affected by Bros uterine-cancer diagnosis in 2010. For Bro, it was a health wake-up call. Bro thinks it made her realize she wouldnt be around forever.

Around the same time, a significant relationship of Heyersa first love boyfriendwas drawing to its end. Maybe life does that: Things converge and shoot you off into new directions. Its happened that way for me, Bro says.

Life has come at Bro hard and fast since her daughters death. But people who were near Heyer or who helped others who were injured have made themselves known to her. They are suffering, she says, a form of PTSD. Im dealing with the aftermath of a dead child. There are still people receiving medical treatment, people who will never be completely right again. Im not sure all the people are out of hospital yet. Theyre dealing with the trauma in a different way than me. I am dealing with one incident. They are dealing with the effects of being in a war zone.

Kesslers bid to hold another rally in Charlottesville next year may have been denied, but when we spoke Bro was not surprised he had sought it.

Im not happy about it. He feels it got him the bloodbath and the media attention he wants, so hes going to try again. With these sorts of rallies, Bro does not want to give the white-supremacist demonstrators the oxygen of publicity that a counter-demonstration would supply, but if you let them have the field that day, dont they think theyve won?

People have said to me, Heather shouldnt have been there, that people were warned to stay away, that she died from her own stupidity, that this is Darwins Law, that she wiped herself out, Thank God, Im glad thats over. My comment to them was, so when the Nazis came to town, we should all go into our houses and hide. Thats what happened in Germany originally: Its not my problem, not going to look at it, it wont affect me. But it does. It affects humanity.

Its kind of stupid. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

People have asked Bro why she bothers with her ongoing activism.

I said, Because Im making ripples in the pond, and as long as enough of us make ripples eventually a wave develops. This is part of me maintaining my ripple, my resolve.

Bro is doing a lot of traveling and talking, as she puts it. Her marriage to Kim is a fairly young, four years old. They have been together for seven years. When Heyer died, she said to Kim before she began her foundation work that she would be the face of it, and asked whether he was ready for that. Because this is going to change who I am a lot. Im not going to be that half hippie chick you married.

Kim said to her: Im game.

He travels with her, although has a bad back, so sometimes Cathy goes with her, or Alfreds wife, Feda. She worries that she hasnt seen some of her grandchildren since the summer. Part of that is due to security worries; they could not attend Heyers funeral because Bro felt their safety could not be guaranteed. It seems awful that Heyers family cannot even conduct the basics of grieving without being threatened.

The hate mail has been stupid, pointless, and mostly anonymous from idiot cowards, she says. The authors threaten her life, and make racist remarks like, as Bro recites: They should have killed more n**gers. I wish theyd killed more n**gers. Im glad your daughters gone. You know she didnt actually die. She just laid down of a heart attack, because she was a fat slob.

I take care of it before it takes care of me. Thats why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out.

Its a little insane, Bro says of this hatred, a little like stepping into reality TV. Kim and I had lessons from the FBI: how to watch ones back, be more aware of surroundings, like dont sit with your back to the door of a restaurant. But I dont live in paranoia and fear. I cant function that way. Its the new reality. It is what it is.

I don't allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Im not the only mother whos lost a kid. Im not the only person approaching the holidays who has lost a loved one. I just have to toughen up a bit and get through it. Thats how I survive. I take care of it before it takes care of me. That's why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out. I have to get on with my life, and my life right now is sharing Heathers life.

It saddens her most that it is affecting her grandchildren; one became anxious after his mother became anxious (the situation is now resolved); one young niece who was close to Heyer thinks of her as just daddys friend, and Bro hopes when she is older she will know how brave her aunt was and be proud of her.

After she died, Bro looked through her daughters Facebook posts: They were all to do with friends and social justice.

She hadnt understood how much Heyer had stood up for other people, and at such a young age, until after she was killed, when Bro found out her daughter had stood up as a kid herself for other kids bullied on the school bus, like the woman (and her brother) who set up a GoFundMe page for Heyers funeral.

A white teacher who had adopted an Asian child was abused at school; Heyer took those bullies on, too.

I didnt know she did all that stuff. She didnt talk about it, says Bro.

Heyers social-justice posts became more emphatic after the last election, her mother says.

Bro herself didnt understand white privilege or the politics of Black Lives Matter until her own activism evolved, although she recalls going out with Heyer and a black man she once dated and going to a restaurant and getting the worst service and evil looks from other people. We were followed in stores. That may have been an awakening for Heather as well. We never talked about the moment she became woke, but a few weeks before she was killed she said to me, Mom, I think youre woke now. I said, I think I always have been, but maybe now I am doing better at it.

Heyer, her mother says, lived larger than life and died larger than life. She was always funny, always intense. Her love was intense, her anger could be intense. The irony is that day she went out to be with her friends.

Bro is telling me about the glass table top of a Mexican restaurant, a favorite venue of hers and Heathers, which she only just felt able to return to. As she went to sit down, the glass top suddenly started rotating.

As she says these words, the computer turns itself on again, and the death rattle begins anew.

Bro says quietly, Heather, leave the computer alone please. Ill unplug it if you keep on.

She turns to me, and laughs. If the monitor comes on and typing starts appearing, then you can really freak out.

That day at the Mexican restaurant, Bro put her hand on the table and said, Heather, stop it. and the rotating glass stopped.

The other day in the office, Bro was talking to one of her daughters friends about a past relationship with a guy she had only marginally approved of, and the paper plate being held by the other person suddenly upended itself, sending the pastry on it flying off. Well Heather didnt like that, did she? Bro said.

Bro tries to stay focused on work when at the office, and laughs that her kitchen table at home is her second office space, its surface unseen since her daughters death so covered as it is with correspondence.

She feels Heyers presence mostly when shes driving; the two would sing along to the radio in the car. Heyer loved hip-hop, and both liked Pink, Adele, Amy Winehouse: Strong women singers, Bro says.

I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world

The Saturday before our meeting Bro had been doing some Christmas shopping in Charlottesville when she was suddenly aware that she walking around with tears streaming down her face. She did not feel self-conscious; she is learning to live with the vagaries of when grief strikes.

Bro can also be positively surprised. The day before we meet, she went to a McDonalds drive-thru (for a yogurt parfait, she says; she and her husband are trying to stick to a diet).

In front of her was a man with a Sons of Confederate Veterans license plate. I thought, Do I hate him? Do I want to hate him?' I tried the thought on. No I didnt. I thought, 'Thats probably his family history. I dont know how he feels about Heather. But me hating him is not going to do any good. He looked a lot like my husband. I saw him see me in his rearview mirror, and recognize me.

I got to the drive-thru window, and the cashier said that my meal had been paid for by him. I pulled around when I was picking up the food, hollered thank you, and he waved. I think, even if a lot of people believe in the Confederate cause, they didnt want people dying that day.

Heyer herself was a private person, an activist happy to serve rather than lead. Bro feels that at some point this becomes my movement too. This is my tribute to my daughter, and its not exactly how she would have done things. My gut feeling is that she would understand why we are doing what we are doing with her memory. I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world.

Her voice cracks.

I would love to have my child back. But I cant take away what this has meant to other people. If this is what it takes to snap the worlds attention around to say, This has to stop. We have to draw a line, then that is good. I have said before that I dont know why it had to take a white girls death to get everybodys attention, but that is what happened. Sadly, I think my daughters death is a pivotal point in historyand I do not mean to be inflated about that at all. Its just seeing the impact and ongoing impact from this. It's a moment not likely to be forgotten.

When I ask about the controversial statues themselves, Bro is careful first to say she does not live in Charlottesville herself.

For those of us who want to remove the statues, we are not trying to hide or bury history, but lets acknowledge why the statues are where they are. They were put up during Jim Crow times for the purpose of telling a newly confident and more affluent black community: We do not respect you, we still think of you as slaves who have managed to get a little ahead in life. Nothing happened during the Civil War in Charlottesville. Take them down, put them somewhere else, they dont belong here.

Im diabetic, I have to eat, Bro announces abruptly.

In a car en route to a nearby Burger King, she talks about growing up in Roanoke, an only child. Her mother did clerical work, her father was a draftsman. She was much less a tomboy than her own daughter, and grew up wanting to be a teacher, missionary or cowboy: Not a cowgirl. They were boring.

A young feminist, she demanded in first grade to be allowed to wear pants under her dress on snowy days. At her second marriage, to Kim, she recalls laughing gently, she asked that he promised to love and obey her, too.

She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go

At the drive-thru she orders a burger, onion rings, and a diet soda, and on the way back to the office she talks about worrying that her hippie-ish demeanor made her stand out at social events like a Miller Law Group summer cookout. Heather had told her she loved her mom just as she was.

One thing I felt when Heather was killed was that I had no regrets about our relationship. She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go. She knew that things were good between us. Bro only regrets the lack of pictures of them together.

Back in her small office at Miller Law, she shows me some framed tweets from Bernie Sanders (Heyer was a huge supporter, and did not vote in the election after the Democrats chose Hillary Clinton over him; Bro was angry with her for this).

There is a wrapped-up and folded banner from the Amsterdam Womens March, a handmade pillow, an honorary certificate from the governor of Virginia and the state flag, a painting of Heyer by an artist from Pittsburgh in her favorite purples. On Bros desk are official letterheads of the foundation, hearts colored purple, inscribed HH.

As the afternoon light leaks to darkness, Bro tells me that activism will now be the focus of the rest of her life. She always had opinions, she says, it was just nobody cared to hear them. The foundation will primarily focus on energizing and engaging young people, and training the next generation of social justice leaders.

She relishes connecting with other civil-rights groups and learning how to be a social justice advocate. I cant see myself doing anything else. By that first Sunday I told my husband I could never go back to my other job. I dont have the mind for it. My mind is wrapped in this now.

Bros health is not good; she says her immune system is collapsing in on itself, she finds it hard to turn her mind off when its time to go to sleep, her sleeping is erratic as is her diet. She has been following a clean eating plan, and then may have junk food, like today.

She talks of the people in airports or shops who approach her. Bro tries to have time for everyone, but she is always aware of those who shrink back, too tentative to say anything. What a strange new world it is, she says, where she may have to get an agent to handle her speaking requests. An agent, she says, laughing gently.

But beyond it all: the talks and award ceremonies, the hugs and thanks and solicitousness of strangers, the new and strange stardom, the life of committees and progressive alliances and celebrities and red carpets and interviews and public speaking, is the inescapable and all-encompassing loss of her daughter.

As we finish the interview, Bro asks where I am staying. I tell her the name of my hotel.

Downtown. Do be careful, Susan Bro says, and she is very serious.

Coming next: Heather Heyers mentor and friends remember her.

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Heather Heyer’s Mom: I Have To Hide Her Grave From The Nazis

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VirginiaHeather Heyers ashes are interred in a safe place, says her mother Susan Bro, at an unmarked, undisclosed, completely protected location.

This site cannot be publicly known because of all those extremists who profess their hatred for Heyer and Bro, and who convey their continued threats of violence toward Bro and others of Heyers family. The location is also secret to protect those who work there, says Bro.

She visits Heyer there in peace, and other members of the family and close friends have been to the location, or will be told in time where the place is and taken there.

Its a symptom of hate in society that you should have to protect your childs grave, for Petes sake, says Bro. So, Im protecting my child now.

As she tells me this, what sounds like the wheezing of a dying animal fills the small room we are in. Bro laughs at how horrific the computer hard drive sounds, especially as we are talking about the death of her daughter at the same time as the machines mortal gurgling continues. Every time I think I turn it off, the computer seems to turn itself on again and the guttural howling begins anew.

Shes here, Heathers here, Bro says, smiling, of the machine in the side office of the Miller Law Group, where Heyer worked as a paralegal, aiding people facing bankruptcy. Heyer, 32, was killed after being struck by a car while protesting against white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Aug. 12. Many other counterprotesters alongside her were injured.

President Trump blamed many sides for the Charlottesville violence, and said there very fine people on both of those sides. After seeing these remarks, Bro would not take his calls.

Today, Bro will speak in detail about what she sees as Trumps encouragement of white supremacy, about her daughters alleged killer who she will face for the first time in court Thursday, of seeing her daughters body for the final time, and of cradling her asheswhich reminded her, piercingly, of cradling Heyer as a baby.

Bro will also speak of not living in fear of those who threaten her, and of her heartfelt commitment to consolidating a legacy of social justice in her daughters memory. Her plain-spoken warmth and fierce eloquence have impressed many.

When I ask if she holds President Trump in any way responsible for her daughters death, Bro says: Im starting to come to that conclusion because he definitely pushes forward a hateful agenda. There are family members that will possibly not have anything to do with me for saying so. Many family members are strong Trump supporters, and continue to be so despite everything they see.

At Miller Law, Heyers desk is occupied by another person now. Her boss and mentor Alfred Wilson admonishes himself when he picks up the phone to ask his trusted assistant something, and says Heather, rather than Amy.

Justin Marks, one of Heathers best friends, still sits opposite her desk. Her friend Courtney Commander, who was with Heyer protesting on Aug. 12, works at the firm. Her death made international news, and transformed Heyer into a civil-rights icon.

Here, in a modest office in a nondescript building outside Charlottesville, daily life carries on, and yet sometimes, Wilson tells me, its like a beat goes missing and Heathers loss, her absence, is all too apparent and raw. On Heyers old desk is a pencil and pen holder, a computer with two screens, and above her leather chair on the wall two professional certificates, one recognizing Heyers outstanding service, performance and dedication awarded to her just three months before her death.

At Miller Law, Bro, 61, has an office out of which she runs the nascent Heather Heyer Foundation, set up to support the next generation of social-justice leaders. Bro runs it with three volunteers. As long as Im doing something proactive, I can control the feelings, the emotions, a little better, Bro says, as the computers death-rattle wheezes on.

On a cold December night, there is a small puddle of flowers where Heyer was killed on Charlottesvilles Fourth Street on Aug. 12. On the brick buildings on either side of the street, graffiti is written in love and pride to her memory: No More Hate, Gone But Not Forgotten, Love, and Heather written in curled lettering, a chalk image of flowers above the real ones.

On television, when the video of James Alex Fields Jr.s Dodge Challenger driving into the anti-Nazi and anti-white supremacist protestersthat included Heyerwas replayed over and over again, the street in Charlottesville may have looked large to viewers.

In reality, it is not much more than an alley off the citys main shopping drag, the Downtown Mall. (A car speeding at a group of people in such a small space immediately made this reporter think of a bowling ball launched at a tightly packed group of pins.)

This stretch of Fourth Street, between Market and Water Streets where Fields drove his car, will reportedly be renamed Heather Heyer Way.

A preliminary hearing for Fields, 20, is scheduled to be held Thursday, at Charlottesville Circuit Courthouse. Fields is charged with second-degree murder, three counts of malicious wounding, three counts of aggravated malicious wounding, two charges of felonious assault and failure to stop that led to death. (Crowds are expected to gather at court; nearby streets will be closed off.)

Heyer was among a crowd of protesters who were demonstrating against the white supremacists, white nationalists, neo-Confederates, Klansmen, neo-Nazis and various militias who had descended on Charlottesville for a Unite the Right rally, organized by Charlottesville resident Jason Kessler. (On Monday, Charlottesville denied Kesslers application to hold an anniversary rally there. The proposed demonstration or special event will present a danger to public safety, the city wrote to Kessler.)

Nineteen people were injured by Fields car. He had traveled from Ohio to attend Kesslers rally, which had been organized to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee from Charlottesvilles Emancipation Park, a few minutes walk away from where Heyer died and where there had been disturbances earlier that day.

A short walk from Lees statue is a statue of Gen. Thomas Stonewall Jackson in Justice Park. Both are now covered in black tarp, invisible but still present. At night they loom like giant phantoms.

The statue of Thomas Jefferson at the University of Virginia, where far-right protesters had gathered holding flaming tiki torches on Friday, Aug. 11, remains uncovered, a lone security guard keeping watch nearby.

Around 30 University of Virginia students had stood around the statues base as the mainly white marchers, dressed in khakis and polo shirts, had shouted such slogans as Blood and soil! You will not replace us! and Jews will not replace us!

Bro won plaudits for speaking so powerfully at her daughters memorial service held at Charlottesvilles Paramount Theater, delivering an impressive, moving, and fully rounded vision of her daughters life, where she also stated: They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well guess what, you just magnified her.

I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued.

An independent report on the Charlottesville violence and police response to it, published this month, sharply criticized both the local law enforcement and local authorities.

Bro echoes the findings. I know that for whatever reason we were woefully unprepared and woefully unprotected for what ensued, she tells The Daily Beast. We need to look to cities like Boston and San Francisco to see how they prepare for when these hate groups come to town.

I ask if Bro holds the police and authorities responsible for Heyers death. Well, things could have turned out differently had they responded differently. Its not for me to figure out the whys and wherefores. But we know, according to the report, that all they put there was a school resource officer who definitely had a reason to fear for her safety. She wasnt given protection. And then to simply leave one sawhorse to stop traffic

He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

Does Bro hold Fields responsible for Heyers death?

Absolutely. Nobody made him do anything. I know he claims he felt threatened. The only time people were attacking his car was when he drove into a crowd, and people were attacking his car because he was driving over top of them. He was not under any attack until he drove into the crowd. Then he was having people beat on his car because he was killing people and injuring people.

It was a pretty stupid move. Hes old enough to know better. My husband Kim looked at what he did, and said it reminded him of a video game, except in one of those you drive through people, and bodies fly everywhere with no consequence. I dont know the kid, Ive never met him. The first time I will see him will be in court this week. I will be going.

Initially when her daughter died, Bro flinched at looking at anything related to it, all videos and photographs, until she got through the initial horror.

Then I thought, I have to know what is going on here. Part of making myself tougher and stronger and fixing my purpose and not turning away from it is partly as a response to the bullies who would love to me see cry and in pain.

I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

She will see Fields in court today, because I feel this is part of what I owe my child. It behooves me to be strong. It also renews my sense of purpose about why I am doing what I am doing. I would like to say no other mother has to have her child die for social justice, but I know thats not happening, so I will do my part.

The part of Fourth Street where Fields struck the protesters is small. Its an alley, not a road. Bro drove a lawyer past it recently. I was trying to explain to her whether he could see people or not, you could absolutely see the end of the street. There is no reason to gun it except for the sole intention of killing. There was no mistaking the fact he was driving into a crowd.

What would she ask Fields if she could?

What the hell were you thinking? What did you think was going to be outcome of this?

Fields has not been in touch. Bro is sure his lawyer would not want him to be.

Beyond Fields, I ask Bro if she believes white supremacy and hate killed Heyer that day?

Oh, of course. Of course. I mean she knew that was a possibility, but no one thinks they will be killed for standing up for their beliefs. She didnt go there to be a martyr. This is part of my frustration with people, who either make her out to be a martyr in that she went there to die, or that she was a saint and angel and godly person.

Bro claps her hands as she says the following words, slowly and loudly for emphasis: Heather was a normal 32-year-old girl.

I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis.

Bro still does not want to speak to President Trump.

He responds off the cuff. He doesnt bother to think before speaks, or very calculatedly is trying to manipulate all of us. Im not sure which. I can grant there was a lot of violence on both sides, but to say there were good people on both sidesthats where I draw the line.

You cant say there were good people coming into town with their fists taped prepared to draw blood and do harm. Thats not good people. Nazis: bad people. White supremacists: bad people. And I dont see that you can call it any other way. If you choose to align yourself with those people, and you choose to call them good, then youve told me what sort of person you are. So now I have your number and now I know how I choose to respond to you. And in his case, that means: Im not responding to you, you dont get my time of day.

When you continue to misspeak, and continue to misspeak, until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt.

A number of frantic phone calls came from the White House when she was at her daughters funeral. When she caught up with the news after Heyers funeral, she saw the controversy swirling around the presidents remarks.

I thought, Well, screw him, Im not dealing with this. Im not talking to him. I have no need to go through this charade of pretending to be nice and happy.

He is the president of the United States. That carries a certain weight and power with it. I choose not to poke the bear in power, but Im definitely not happy with how he has chosen to drive forward with white supremacy and neo-Nazis. When someone misspeaks a time or two, its one thing, but when you continue to misspeak and continue to misspeak until there are falsehoods and false stories, and make thoughtless remarks, that to me looks like a planned, intentional hurt. So, my respect definitely dims somewhat, shall we say.

I ask if Bro thinks Trump has aligned himself with white supremacy.

Well, his actions speak louder than his words. Look at the way he acted towards protesters at his rallies. He has definitely encouraged violence and hatred, and has made fun of people for race or disability, and then always tries to act like Oh, I didnt say anything. As a teacher, I can tell you that the child in the classroom who continually tries to act out like that and says, Oh, I didnt say or do anything, we held them responsible for their actions. I am seeing an upswell of those who are going to continue to hold this president responsible for his actions.

Think before you speak and speak only the truth please.

Heyer had quit speaking to a few of those family members before she died; Bro had negotiated a truce between her daughter and other Trump-supporting family members; others she left alone because the relationship wasnt strong in the first place.

Today, if she could address Trump directly, Bro would say: Think before you speak and speak only the truth, please.

He disrespects everybody, Heathers not special in that regard, Bro says of the president. He disrespects Native Americans, black people, history, everything. He has no respect for anybody. Having seen him pre- and since the election, its not surprising. He has never changed who he was. This man is not about respect. He never was, he never will be. Its who he is.

The last in-person conversation mother and daughter had was at a buffet restaurant where they talked politics, office, love life, recalls Bro. Mostly with Heather you got a word in sideways. After dinner, Kim went to the car to play video games: He knew Heather would talk for a while. Since the election, Heyers politics and commentary on Facebook had become more concentrated. She was a fervent opponent of any kind of bigotry, most recently challenging the proponents of a local anti-Muslim campaign.

On the day of her death, out on the Charlottesville streets, Heyer had calmly asked a female supporter of white supremacy why she was aligning herself with their politics.

Mother and daughters last actual conversation was by Messenger. Bro scrolls through her phone to find it, noting that so many people claim to be Heyer now.

Hey, you were you born in 56, and whats your social. Im setting up an IRA with work and I have to name a beneficiary, Heyer messaged her mom, who passed along her information as requested.

But stay alive, Bro added.

Heyer replied, lolol, Ill try thanks.

Id rather have you than the money, her mother replied.

Then she said lol, and we sent the love emoticon to each other, Bro says quietly.

And that was the last conversation I had with my kid.

Her voice cracks.

That was on August 3rd. You never think thats going to be the last time you talk to your child.

It was good that Heyer was getting her financial affairs in order, says Bro, even if it was all in process at the time of her death. Wilson was working with Heyer on plans to safeguard her income and have her invest in property.

The detective just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

That Saturday morning, Bro didnt know Heyer was at the counter-demonstration. She had heard of the unrest in town without realizing Heyer was caught up in it. She had had a stressful week at work, and was relaxing.

Hours before Heyers death, Bro had posted this on Facebook: If I could give my daughter three things it would be the confidence to know her self-worth, the strength to chase her dreams, and the ability to know how truly, deeply loved she is.

It was meant as a spontaneous message of love and pride to her child. Time has transformed it into something more tragically moving.

You dont expect your kid to pass away, get killed. Like that, she says.

The first moment Bro knew that something terrible had happened was when Justin Marks called her. He told her the hospital was looking for Heyers next of kin. Bro kept calling the hospital, but was told they had no one of Heyers name there.

Bro screamed for her friend Cathy to take her to the hospital. Kim, who was elsewhere, would follow them.

A stranger answered Heyers phone and said he had found it on the sidewalk.

Bro called him back to try and get hold of Marissa Blair, a friend and colleague of her daughters who been with her at the demonstration and whose fianc, Marcus Martin, had pushed her out of the path of the car (he suffered a broken leg as a result).

Bro arrived at the hospital to find it barricaded off in a state of lockdown. Security checked her bag for weapons. I was trying to grit my teeth. I told them, I have been told my child is here. Two strangers grabbed me.

Bro takes a deep breath, pauses, and starts weeping.

I knew at this point it was not good. They grabbed me very tightly and walked me up the ramp to a room. I knew I was about to pass out. I walked in and sat down. A detective introduced himself. I dont remember his name, I remember his face.

He just said something to the effect of Your daughter was pronounced dead at such and such a time, and I remember putting my head down and wailing.

Bro is crying.

Then I called people. But every time I would close my eyes that night Id remember that moment and Id wail again. The week of the funeral I only slept 10 hours from the moment I got up on Saturday morning to the day she was buried five days later.

I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it.

I knew she was dead. I kept saying to the hospital people, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. And thats the only thing I could think of to get me through it. I remember shaking hands with people, and people saying Im sorry. Id say again, Thank you. I know you did your best. Im proud of how she died. My brain was locked up, it was all I could say.

Wilson and his wife Feda and daughter Amina came to the hospital.

Alfreds kids loved Heather. She even shared her Amazon Fire Stick with them.

The day Heyer was killed the hospital had asked if Bro wanted to see her, but Bro had wanted to wait for her husband to get there. Bro didnt get to see Heyers body until the day before her daughters funeral. The medical examiner had her up until then.

The computers deathly wheezing rises in volume in the little room.

I was really, really dreading seeing her body, but I needed to see her one last time.

I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

One of the two ministers who spoke at Heyers funeral met Bro at the funeral home, and prayed with her.

I felt a calm come over me. When I saw her, her face and head were kind of messed up. I knew it was her but her arm, her left arm, I recognized more specifically. We had the same arm, she had longer fingers. It was bruised, it had a lot of bruises on it. But I held her hand, and I said, Im going to make this good for you. Im going to make this count for something.

Bro and Kim were with Heyer for 10 minutes; then her father and his friend went in separately; and Heyers brother and his wife, so everyone had their special time with her.

Bro says the National Institutes of Health called two days after her daughter died to ask if they could have Heyers brain for research.

Bro gave her consent (its not like she could use it). A NIH representative called back shortly afterward to say never mind, Bro says. The medical examiner said it was not usable. She pauses. That tells me there was brain damage. When I saw her, her long beautiful hair was not visible. Im guessing it had been cut off. She had a shower cap on, her forehead had a huge lump across it, her teeth didnt quite look like in the right place to me, and she had a hospital gown on, and I saw her arm and thats all I saw of her. I dont remember if she was in a body bag or covered in a sheet.

Bros voice quivers. Thats my driving force. Dammit, you killed my kid, but Im going to make something good come out of this, in spite of it. Youre not going to shut her up, youre not going to shut up the social justice she stood for. Were going to make it bigger than ever. Were going make big things happen.

The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time.

She and Kim stayed with Heyer for five to 10 minutes that day.

After it was all over, when she was cremated and we had her ashes in an urn, we sat and held the urn for long time, Bro says, her voice cracking again.

When we are cremated theres not a lot left. I had a purple urn. Purple was Heathers color, its why her dog was named Violet. The weight of the urn in my arms was about the same weight she was when she was born, and I just felt I flashed back to the day they put her in my arms when she was born, and I sat and held her for a long time. And Kim held the urn for a long time. And that was the day we spent with my kid.

They said, Dont you want take some ashes home? And I said no. Why would I take her big toe or her pinky finger home? If other people want to do that and bring closure, fine. I have no need for that. Heather is with me in my heart. I dont need a piece of her body too.

At the memorial service, she said she felt she had one shot to introduce Heyer to the world: to explain who she was and why she was at the counterprotest. She asked Heathers birth father to talk about raising Heather, and her cousins to talk about her activism.

For herself, Bro wanted to tie all the elements of her daughters life together. She talked of her daughters strength, purpose, and also her as a person in all her complexity.

To me, I was just speaking the truth. Heather and I would laugh about how, at funerals, people who were wife beaters or alcoholics are suddenly talked of as if saints. I knew she would want her life to be deconstructed honestly and real.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet.

After her powerful oration at Heyers memorial service, by chance she and Kim drove home past where Heyer was killed.

When I saw, I grabbed my husbands arm and said, Oh my God, oh my God. I screamed and I almost jumped out of the car, because the pain hit me so hard. It was the first time I had ever been there, so that was really painful.

Bro falls silent. She went on a planned visit to the site a week after her daughter died. She and Kim got lost initially, and asked for directions at a nearby farmers market. I was just sick with grief at the thought of going there. Kim and I held each other and just sobbed for three and four minutes. When I looked up there was just this wall of people up at where the Mall was, and I said, Its OK, you can come now.

We spent a solid two hours hugging and talking to people. By the end of it I felt elevated again, as if I had wings on my feet. I was so full of love and caring from other people. I had dreaded it so badly, but it turned out to be a very helpful and healing experience.

Bro went back to the street about a month after Heyers death and recommended to city officials that it should reopen.

When discussions were underway about how to mark Heyers memory in Charlottesville, a statue was discussed or the renaming of a park, both of which Bro rejected, seeing them as yet another red flag to the white supremacists and associated groups who had come to Charlottesville to protest the Confederate statues in the first place.

That is why, Bro says, she gave her support to the suggestion of renaming Fourth Street to Heather Heyer Way.

Bro took home some of the artificial flowers at the site, and scarves and bandanas that had been left there. She gave away some of the flowers to passersby. She has washed and wears some of the scarves. She has also has a purple blanket she made Heather, which she wraps herself up in in the evenings. Thats my cuddle time with Heather, she says.

All of what has happened can seem unreal to Bro.

This time last year I was happily crocheting angels and hats. I was just cooking, and it feels like it was a different life another person lived through.

My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

Bro says she has lived through several incarnations. First I got married. That first time I thought I was a happy housewife and part-time office worker and then that dream got crushed. Then I was a single mom for a while on welfare and food stamps, and then I went back to school, so I was a student and single mom, then I was a schoolteacher; then I was a bookkeeper; then I remarried after 25 years of not being married.

This is the next incarnation. My grief is folded into my work. Without my work I would sit home and cry. I wouldnt be able to wrap my head around anything else.

She used to knit and crochet voraciously, but doesnt feel she has the mental capacity for it now. The bookkeeper inside her head wants to marshal the foundations paperwork, and in the office she feels close to Heyer.

Bro says her life now is a million light years from anything I ever expected. She declines to tell me where she lives, beyond it being a town a half-hour north of Charlottesville. They have such a small police force they have been trying to avoid connecting themselves to us, she says.

Since Heyers death, hatemongers have not just targeted Heyer herself, but Susan, too. They tell Bro that Heyer deserved to die, that she was fat, that the blunt-force injury to the chest recorded as her cause of death was a CPR machine, not Fields car. Bros life has been threatened, too.

Its kind of stupid, Bro says drily. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

Not only, says Bro, is local law enforcement unable to deal with threats to Bro and the family, Heyer also disagreed with the local authorities stance on social justice. Bro didnt hold her funeral there, partly because the authorities couldnt guarantee the familys security, and also because Heyers heart was in Charlottesville, she says.

Bros home areas authorities dont want hate groups coming to the area because of Heyer, her mother says; even a planned food drive in Heyers name was canceled because of fear of far-right groups.

Theres a dichotomy in my life, says Bro. I taught in a particular place for 15 years, then worked for that state and county. Now to act as if it doesnt exist is weird. But I dont look back, I look forward. You can only move ahead with the what you have in front of you.

Heyers apartment was in the center of Charlottesville, near where she died and where she was conceived, says her mother.

That pregnancy was a last-ditch attempt to save me and my first husband Marks marriage, says Bro.

Nick, Heyers brother who is five years her senior, had been born first. Bro had been especially delighted to have a son. I never imagined having a boy. I was so happy to have him and Heather. I felt bad I didnt bring them into a stable relationship. In my mind that was selfish and irresponsible. There was a lot of loud, angry yelling, a lot of tears. It was not a good thing for Nick or Heather to be around.

Nick, who is in the Army Reserves and is married with a small child, has been devastated by his sisters death, says Bro. She was not the first person close to him to have been murdered, and he wishes to stay out of the public eye.

At the time of Heathers conception, We were sort of using birth control, says Bro. I probably thought, Were doing OK now, and it was a disaster. He [Mark] had problems at the time, though is a changed man for the better now. We were both lousy spouses. It was a bad marriage, and we split up for a final time when Heather was five months old.

The marriage had lasted eight years, the divorce took three years.

Mother and daughter, both strong-minded, clashed over the years, but were never estranged.

We would clash because she was trying to impose her will on me, Bro says, smiling. She shows me a picture of Heather at 3, where she looks brimming with a quiet anger or resolve, or both.

Bro laughs. She was going to argue with me. The storm is brewing on her face. The way to make her agree was to explain something to her to her satisfaction. Bedtimes, mealtimes: Shed argue about everything. You always needed to explain to her why something was fair and right.

There are other pictures of her and Nick playing in the Styrofoam peanuts left behind from a box of toys sent by their Florida-dwelling grandparents. One of her favorite outfits was to wear a diaper, army helmet, and Bros high heels.

Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

Heyer was a boisterous child, at least early on.

She was born with only one ear, says Bro. Her left ear was folded over. There was no hole in her skull. During fifth grade, Heyer had a series of painful, corrective surgeries. She had 20 percent hearing in that ear.

Most of us forgot, including her mother, says Bro, because she coped so well. But that did mean she couldnt locate by sound, which may have been a factor that led to her death. If a crowd was yelling and a car was coming she may not know where the car was. Others have told me all they could hear was the thud sound of bodies being hit. They didnt see the car till the last possible second.

As a young girl, Heyer didnt have any ambitions. When her mother asked her what she would like to do, to try and nudge her, Heyer replied that she would like to be a fat cat on a pillow and not have to do anything. Her mother laughed and told her that was not an option. Thats often the problem with bright kids. Things are so easy for us, we have difficulty settling into careers.

College was costly, the family didnt have any money, and Heyer had screwed around in high school, her mother says. There were no scholarships coming.

As a schoolteacher for 20 years, Bro wanted her pupils (fourth graders, aged 9 and 10) to succeed, but neither of her children liked school. They were both strong and independent, she says, and she was keen to raise people, not sheeple. She made it clear she could only be there for them in financial emergencies; when they left home, they had to support themselves.

Both Nick and Heather started work at 14, she says. Heather did waitressing and bar work; she had seen Bro do the same to supplement her teaching salary. Food-service work was always something to fall back on, she had told her children.

Bro was thrilled when Heyer came to work at Miller Law in 2012. Her daughter was getting close to 30 at the time, and her mother thinks she was taking stock of her life, and figuring out she did not want to be a waitress at 70. That was a pivot point for her. I had mine closer to 40 or 50, Bro laughs.

After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Heyer didnt want to have children, though she loved and doted on other peoples. She adored Violet, her Chihuahua (who now lives with a close friend of hers).

The family marked the holidays by going to Bros parents place.

I tried preparing a big meal a time or two. Heather said, Mom, youre killing yourself. This is no fun for any of us. At her suggestion, we stopped doing the big meal last Thanksgiving. So for Christmas, Easter, and what we would have done at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everyone went to Subway and got their favorite sub.

Heather also prepared a whole crockpot of mac and cheeseit was a deluxe, calorie-laden Paula Deen recipeand three dozen deviled eggs. I found out from her best friend after she died, she hated making them. She felt a family obligation to take it on: piles and piles food we couldnt possibly eat. After she died the crockpot from Easter was still in the fridge. She was single. She never looked in that fridge. My husband Kim very politely bagged it up and tossed it.

Cathy enters to say goodbye. Bro says they have been friends for 18 years, through thick and thin. It carries back and forth as to who needs who, and now I need her. I never had a close friend like that before, Im an odd duck. I laugh at the wrong jokes. I was much more stubborn and hard-headed in the past.

Her daughter was affected by Bros uterine-cancer diagnosis in 2010. For Bro, it was a health wake-up call. Bro thinks it made her realize she wouldnt be around forever.

Around the same time, a significant relationship of Heyersa first love boyfriendwas drawing to its end. Maybe life does that: Things converge and shoot you off into new directions. Its happened that way for me, Bro says.

Life has come at Bro hard and fast since her daughters death. But people who were near Heyer or who helped others who were injured have made themselves known to her. They are suffering, she says, a form of PTSD. Im dealing with the aftermath of a dead child. There are still people receiving medical treatment, people who will never be completely right again. Im not sure all the people are out of hospital yet. Theyre dealing with the trauma in a different way than me. I am dealing with one incident. They are dealing with the effects of being in a war zone.

Kesslers bid to hold another rally in Charlottesville next year may have been denied, but when we spoke Bro was not surprised he had sought it.

Im not happy about it. He feels it got him the bloodbath and the media attention he wants, so hes going to try again. With these sorts of rallies, Bro does not want to give the white-supremacist demonstrators the oxygen of publicity that a counter-demonstration would supply, but if you let them have the field that day, dont they think theyve won?

People have said to me, Heather shouldnt have been there, that people were warned to stay away, that she died from her own stupidity, that this is Darwins Law, that she wiped herself out, Thank God, Im glad thats over. My comment to them was, so when the Nazis came to town, we should all go into our houses and hide. Thats what happened in Germany originally: Its not my problem, not going to look at it, it wont affect me. But it does. It affects humanity.

Its kind of stupid. You threaten the mother of someone you already killed because she dares to speak up.

People have asked Bro why she bothers with her ongoing activism.

I said, Because Im making ripples in the pond, and as long as enough of us make ripples eventually a wave develops. This is part of me maintaining my ripple, my resolve.

Bro is doing a lot of traveling and talking, as she puts it. Her marriage to Kim is a fairly young, four years old. They have been together for seven years. When Heyer died, she said to Kim before she began her foundation work that she would be the face of it, and asked whether he was ready for that. Because this is going to change who I am a lot. Im not going to be that half hippie chick you married.

Kim said to her: Im game.

He travels with her, although has a bad back, so sometimes Cathy goes with her, or Alfreds wife, Feda. She worries that she hasnt seen some of her grandchildren since the summer. Part of that is due to security worries; they could not attend Heyers funeral because Bro felt their safety could not be guaranteed. It seems awful that Heyers family cannot even conduct the basics of grieving without being threatened.

The hate mail has been stupid, pointless, and mostly anonymous from idiot cowards, she says. The authors threaten her life, and make racist remarks like, as Bro recites: They should have killed more n**gers. I wish theyd killed more n**gers. Im glad your daughters gone. You know she didnt actually die. She just laid down of a heart attack, because she was a fat slob.

I take care of it before it takes care of me. Thats why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out.

Its a little insane, Bro says of this hatred, a little like stepping into reality TV. Kim and I had lessons from the FBI: how to watch ones back, be more aware of surroundings, like dont sit with your back to the door of a restaurant. But I dont live in paranoia and fear. I cant function that way. Its the new reality. It is what it is.

I don't allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Im not the only mother whos lost a kid. Im not the only person approaching the holidays who has lost a loved one. I just have to toughen up a bit and get through it. Thats how I survive. I take care of it before it takes care of me. That's why some people think I dont care. I care very deeply, but its like diving into a cold pool and sucking it up, toughing it out. I have to get on with my life, and my life right now is sharing Heathers life.

It saddens her most that it is affecting her grandchildren; one became anxious after his mother became anxious (the situation is now resolved); one young niece who was close to Heyer thinks of her as just daddys friend, and Bro hopes when she is older she will know how brave her aunt was and be proud of her.

After she died, Bro looked through her daughters Facebook posts: They were all to do with friends and social justice.

She hadnt understood how much Heyer had stood up for other people, and at such a young age, until after she was killed, when Bro found out her daughter had stood up as a kid herself for other kids bullied on the school bus, like the woman (and her brother) who set up a GoFundMe page for Heyers funeral.

A white teacher who had adopted an Asian child was abused at school; Heyer took those bullies on, too.

I didnt know she did all that stuff. She didnt talk about it, says Bro.

Heyers social-justice posts became more emphatic after the last election, her mother says.

Bro herself didnt understand white privilege or the politics of Black Lives Matter until her own activism evolved, although she recalls going out with Heyer and a black man she once dated and going to a restaurant and getting the worst service and evil looks from other people. We were followed in stores. That may have been an awakening for Heather as well. We never talked about the moment she became woke, but a few weeks before she was killed she said to me, Mom, I think youre woke now. I said, I think I always have been, but maybe now I am doing better at it.

Heyer, her mother says, lived larger than life and died larger than life. She was always funny, always intense. Her love was intense, her anger could be intense. The irony is that day she went out to be with her friends.

Bro is telling me about the glass table top of a Mexican restaurant, a favorite venue of hers and Heathers, which she only just felt able to return to. As she went to sit down, the glass top suddenly started rotating.

As she says these words, the computer turns itself on again, and the death rattle begins anew.

Bro says quietly, Heather, leave the computer alone please. Ill unplug it if you keep on.

She turns to me, and laughs. If the monitor comes on and typing starts appearing, then you can really freak out.

That day at the Mexican restaurant, Bro put her hand on the table and said, Heather, stop it. and the rotating glass stopped.

The other day in the office, Bro was talking to one of her daughters friends about a past relationship with a guy she had only marginally approved of, and the paper plate being held by the other person suddenly upended itself, sending the pastry on it flying off. Well Heather didnt like that, did she? Bro said.

Bro tries to stay focused on work when at the office, and laughs that her kitchen table at home is her second office space, its surface unseen since her daughters death so covered as it is with correspondence.

She feels Heyers presence mostly when shes driving; the two would sing along to the radio in the car. Heyer loved hip-hop, and both liked Pink, Adele, Amy Winehouse: Strong women singers, Bro says.

I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world

The Saturday before our meeting Bro had been doing some Christmas shopping in Charlottesville when she was suddenly aware that she walking around with tears streaming down her face. She did not feel self-conscious; she is learning to live with the vagaries of when grief strikes.

Bro can also be positively surprised. The day before we meet, she went to a McDonalds drive-thru (for a yogurt parfait, she says; she and her husband are trying to stick to a diet).

In front of her was a man with a Sons of Confederate Veterans license plate. I thought, Do I hate him? Do I want to hate him?' I tried the thought on. No I didnt. I thought, 'Thats probably his family history. I dont know how he feels about Heather. But me hating him is not going to do any good. He looked a lot like my husband. I saw him see me in his rearview mirror, and recognize me.

I got to the drive-thru window, and the cashier said that my meal had been paid for by him. I pulled around when I was picking up the food, hollered thank you, and he waved. I think, even if a lot of people believe in the Confederate cause, they didnt want people dying that day.

Heyer herself was a private person, an activist happy to serve rather than lead. Bro feels that at some point this becomes my movement too. This is my tribute to my daughter, and its not exactly how she would have done things. My gut feeling is that she would understand why we are doing what we are doing with her memory. I would take it all back in a second to have her back. And yet, I also know this has made an impact on the world and I cant take that away from the world.

Her voice cracks.

I would love to have my child back. But I cant take away what this has meant to other people. If this is what it takes to snap the worlds attention around to say, This has to stop. We have to draw a line, then that is good. I have said before that I dont know why it had to take a white girls death to get everybodys attention, but that is what happened. Sadly, I think my daughters death is a pivotal point in historyand I do not mean to be inflated about that at all. Its just seeing the impact and ongoing impact from this. It's a moment not likely to be forgotten.

When I ask about the controversial statues themselves, Bro is careful first to say she does not live in Charlottesville herself.

For those of us who want to remove the statues, we are not trying to hide or bury history, but lets acknowledge why the statues are where they are. They were put up during Jim Crow times for the purpose of telling a newly confident and more affluent black community: We do not respect you, we still think of you as slaves who have managed to get a little ahead in life. Nothing happened during the Civil War in Charlottesville. Take them down, put them somewhere else, they dont belong here.

Im diabetic, I have to eat, Bro announces abruptly.

In a car en route to a nearby Burger King, she talks about growing up in Roanoke, an only child. Her mother did clerical work, her father was a draftsman. She was much less a tomboy than her own daughter, and grew up wanting to be a teacher, missionary or cowboy: Not a cowgirl. They were boring.

A young feminist, she demanded in first grade to be allowed to wear pants under her dress on snowy days. At her second marriage, to Kim, she recalls laughing gently, she asked that he promised to love and obey her, too.

She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go

At the drive-thru she orders a burger, onion rings, and a diet soda, and on the way back to the office she talks about worrying that her hippie-ish demeanor made her stand out at social events like a Miller Law Group summer cookout. Heather had told her she loved her mom just as she was.

One thing I felt when Heather was killed was that I had no regrets about our relationship. She knew she was loved. I knew I was loved. We had no animosity between us hanging over. I don't want to let her go, but could let her go. She knew that things were good between us. Bro only regrets the lack of pictures of them together.

Back in her small office at Miller Law, she shows me some framed tweets from Bernie Sanders (Heyer was a huge supporter, and did not vote in the election after the Democrats chose Hillary Clinton over him; Bro was angry with her for this).

There is a wrapped-up and folded banner from the Amsterdam Womens March, a handmade pillow, an honorary certificate from the governor of Virginia and the state flag, a painting of Heyer by an artist from Pittsburgh in her favorite purples. On Bros desk are official letterheads of the foundation, hearts colored purple, inscribed HH.

As the afternoon light leaks to darkness, Bro tells me that activism will now be the focus of the rest of her life. She always had opinions, she says, it was just nobody cared to hear them. The foundation will primarily focus on energizing and engaging young people, and training the next generation of social justice leaders.

She relishes connecting with other civil-rights groups and learning how to be a social justice advocate. I cant see myself doing anything else. By that first Sunday I told my husband I could never go back to my other job. I dont have the mind for it. My mind is wrapped in this now.

Bros health is not good; she says her immune system is collapsing in on itself, she finds it hard to turn her mind off when its time to go to sleep, her sleeping is erratic as is her diet. She has been following a clean eating plan, and then may have junk food, like today.

She talks of the people in airports or shops who approach her. Bro tries to have time for everyone, but she is always aware of those who shrink back, too tentative to say anything. What a strange new world it is, she says, where she may have to get an agent to handle her speaking requests. An agent, she says, laughing gently.

But beyond it all: the talks and award ceremonies, the hugs and thanks and solicitousness of strangers, the new and strange stardom, the life of committees and progressive alliances and celebrities and red carpets and interviews and public speaking, is the inescapable and all-encompassing loss of her daughter.

As we finish the interview, Bro asks where I am staying. I tell her the name of my hotel.

Downtown. Do be careful, Susan Bro says, and she is very serious.

Coming next: Heather Heyers mentor and friends remember her.

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