#and i feel like I'm failing and being lazy if i can't easily do everything that's asked of me. is my problem.

[thedreadvampy]

aaaaaaaaaaa work is so overwhelming just now I feel like my brain may explode

[bubblespalace]

Headcannon: If The Sakamaki Brothers actually fell in love with you.

^⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠^ Includes: Shu, Reiji, Ayato, Kanato, Laito, Subaru, and all of them together (Because I love all of them and can't choose). ^⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠^

Shu Sakamaki 💛:

∆💛: Like all the brothers, he would hate he fall for someone who wasn't a vampire. He would try to deter himself from you, but he would fail.

∆💛 Converse-shoe would still be super lazy, but he would perk up a bit if you walked in.

∆💛 Would mock you even more. Calling you names and roasting you a lot, he would love your reaction.

∆💛 He would show off his violin skills and possibly play for you. He would try to make himself seem impressive.

∆💛 Shu would have a slight fear Reiji might attempt to take you from him since his younger brother has always wanted what he had. So he would be possessive around Reiji especially.

∆💛 He would sneak into your room and snake himself underneath you, so you were laying on top of him.

🎧You jolted up in shock when you realized the blonde vampire was underneath you. "Ahh! Shu-kun! What are you doing in here?!"

Shu smirked, his eyes still closed, and pulled you back down on top of him with one arm. "Shh... be quiet... you like this anyway... you lewd woman."🎧

Reiji Sakamaki 💙:

∆💙 Reiji would first try to tell himself it wasn't a crush, he would stay away from you. Whenever you visit his lab or study, he would turn you away. Until he came to terms he was in love with you.

∆💙 He would start giving you tasks, which you somehow completed perfectly, exactly the way he wanted. He would start being softer with you and less strict.

∆💙 He would take time to teach you about things, and he would be more patient with your trial and error. He finds it very admiring that you won't give up so easily when you don't get the information.

∆💙 You would become almost like his assistant, helping him with notes, and labeling formulas and mixtures.

∆💙 Rei-Rei would keep you away from Shu as much as possible, in fear that you would fall for him instead.

∆💙 Even when you make a mistake, he remains calm and very early goes off on you. It surprises you, since with anyone else he scolds until they start crying.

🧪The glass hit the ground with a shatter, you froze in fear. "Oh god, Reiji-kun... I'm so sorry, please don't be ma-"

"It's no problem." He said almost calmly. "Just clean it up. We shall get back to what we were doing after."🧪

Ayato Sakamaki ❤:

∆❤: This man would know right away he was falling for you, but he would be meaner to you to hide it.

∆❤: Eventually, he would try to impress you more. He would still be super mean, but he would do everything he could to make you notice him.

∆❤: He would invite you to his basketball games a lot, and he would hang out with you afterward. Which made the other girls give you an evil eye.

∆❤: However, he wouldn't lay up on you. Christmas Eve is the type to keep treatment the same. He'd still call you out by your breast-size, and drink your blood. (All the brothers might still drink your blood, but eh)

∆❤: Keeps you away from his brothers, particularly Kanato and Laito because he knows they can be the most dangerous. Only he's allowed to hurt you.

∆❤: If you were to ever do something nice for him without him having to ask, he would be stunned. You might even catch him blushing a bit.

🏀You walked up to Ayato with a kind smile on your face. "Hey, I made you some Takoyaki."

He paused for a good moment, almost in happy disbelief, before he regained his normal stature. "Good, Ore-sama was getting hungry anyway."🏀

Kanato Sakamaki: 💜

∆💜: He would be angry you made him fall for you, but after a few hours of angry screaming in his room, he calmed down and talked to Teddy about it.

∆💜: He would get you gifts, like dresses, babydoll shoes, and hair accessories. You would become his only, non-wax doll.

∆💜: In fact, Kana-na would never feel the want to turn you into a wax doll. You aren't like his past victims, he wants to watch you squirm forever.

∆💜: You would get princess treatment, except when he's angry. He would yell and scream at you, but he would very rarely hurt you when mad. He would hurt you more when he's happy, and he would praise you after for being so strong about it.

∆💜: He wouldn't just keep you away from his brothers, that's for sure, this man would keep you away from absolutely everyone. If someone so much as looked at you, he would slit their throat. You're his after all.

∆💜: The amount of tea parties you had in his room would be uncountable. Sometimes you talked, other times it was just comfortable silence.

🧸Kanato smiled at you, not the creepy off-kilter smile that made you feel hunted, but an actual, genuine smile. "What is it?" You asked sweetly.

Kanato kept staring at you. "It's nothing, my doll. Don't worry about it. You don't ever have to worry about anything."🧸

Laito Sakamaki 💚:

∆💚: He would have no idea what was happening to him. You weren't like the other girls he had been with, and it confused him. His heart rate quickened around you, heat rushed to his normally cold cheeks and he felt almost... nervous.

∆💚: Lai-Lai would probably end up asking Reiji what you were doing to him. Reiji would deadpan and explain.

∆💚: Laito was first in denial, because that's not what he thought love was, but Reiji carefully told him everything. After that, Laito made it his mission to get you to fall for him.

∆💚: He became the most romantic man on earth. Laito gifted you roses, chocolates, and anything else he could think of that you loved. Yet he was still shy around you sometimes and you caught him stuttering over his words a few times.

∆💚: Almost all sexual thoughts left his mind, (He still had a few, come on, this is Laito) all he was focused on was wooing you, and it stayed this way for a very long time.

∆💚: You would be very surprised by this change in him, and he would try to convince you nothing changed.

🎩Laito had snuck up behind you and put his arms over your shoulders. In his hands, was a beautifully arranged bouquet of roses. "Hi Bitch-chan." He purred with his Cheshire cat smile.

You giggled and took the bouquet from him, admiring the flowers. "What has gotten into you lately? What have you done with Laito, stranger?"🎩

Subaru Sakamaki 🤍:

∆🤍: He would break everything in his room in terror. He didn't want to fall in love, especially not with you. Subaru couldn't stand the thought of hurting you severely.

∆🤍: Toyota would avoid you like the plague, hoping he would fall out of love with you. Somehow you always found your way into his mind again...

∆🤍: He was crazy over you, he started admiring you from a distance, watching you as you did your homework in the living room. He was scared he would hurt you if he actually approached you. Soon, you noticed and confronted him.

∆🤍: After that, he spoke to you a little more often, but still kept his distance. Subaru also turned up his tsundere level from 100, to 10,000.

∆🤍: Would be secretly leaving white roses in your locker, and also doing little things to make you smile without you knowing it was him.

∆🤍: Tsunbaru might never confess to you, you might be the one to make the first move. He would be way too nervous to talk to you.

🗡Carefully you glanced at Subaru, making sure there was nothing he could mistake for anger or upset in your voice. "Subaru, did you leave this-"

His red eyes flashed to you in what you thought was disgust. "W-why would I leave you a rose?! Leave me alone, foolish mortal!"🗡

The Sakamaki's 💛💙❤💜💚🤍:

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: If they all fell for you, I wish you luck my friend. They will be competitive AF.

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: Expect their normal behaviors to either become more intense, or softer. It could go either way.

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: Reiji and Shu might try to battle it out for you since they will be each other's biggest threats. Ayato and Subaru might just fight too, since they don't get along well.

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: Kanato would end up dragging you into his doll room in the middle of the night. I can see him trying to brand you, burning his name onto your skin.

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: Laito would be relentless and would never leave you alone. You would have to fend him off 25 hours a day.

∆💛💙❤💜💚🤍: They all might just start fighting like little children, pulling you toward them like a rope in tug-a-war.

🎧🧪🏀🧸🎩🗡"Boys! I'm not a rag doll! Stop or you're gonna break my arms!" You shouted over Kanato's hysterical screams and Reiji and Shu's accusations toward each other.

Laito yanked you away, which released you from Reiji's and Shu's harsh grip on your wrists. "She's right, Bitch-Chan will choose me anyways, so why is it we must make a big fuss over this?"

"God, will you stop being such a pervert for one moment?!" Subaru yelled, looking as though he was about to punch something.

Sadly, your wrists only got that break before Reiji grasped onto the wrist Shu was holding onto and bit down into the sensitive flesh, making eye contact with him as his fangs made contact. "You fucking bastard," Shu growled and bit into the wrist Reiji had grasped before, possessively biting down hard enough for it to leave a mark that would last a long time. Soon, you had all the boys' fangs buried in your skin, gnawing on you like you were prey.

"I'm the best, right dolly?"

"Tch, don't be stupid, Y/N."

"You're smart, Y/N. You'll choose me."

"You lewd woman, choose the best choice."

"Ore-sama, obviously."

"Or your Laito-kun, Bitch-Chan."🎧🧪🏀🧸🎩🗡

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

C/W ::: Sorta sleepy oral M->F, cum // piss on face, piss play (??) heed the warning, please. And planning // prep for more piss play. Over use of italics as usual. What. I like them, ok?

F!reader married to Dilf!Bkg (in his early 40's), v. established marriage // 7 years, 1 kid at Mitsuki's house for the weekend,

Katsuki wakes up first. The sky is bright as he peeks out of his sleepy eyes. He lays there for a few minutes, just staring at the outline of your curves under the light pink sheet. It's already hot. Probably 85 outside by now despite it being only 8 or so in the morning. He hasn't looked at the clock yet. He can't seem to take his eyes off of you.

You shuffle in your half-asleep state and roll onto your back. He smiles at you when you open your eyes to see if he's still there. But in your heart, you knew he would be.

"Good morning," he whispers to you and moves over to kiss your shoulder up to your neck. It's slow and lazy. The kind of affection that didn't know the rush of everyday necessity.

"Hey, you. What are you still doing here? I thought you'd be long gone by now. You think you'd be getting breakfast after the dessert I gave you last night?" You tuck your chin and giggle as the 2 day growth on his face tickles your bare chest. His hair is wild against your face as you try to push him away.

"Oh my god, you perv! Are you trying to shove my head down to your cunt again? Jesus fuck. I go down on you last night and you think it's all I'm good for? You think you deserve it? You're somethin' else, ya brat." He grabs your hand and holds it above you, against your pillow and scoots over so he's between your legs.

He hooked his arms under your knees and raised them up to your chest, his hands rest on the mattress next to your hips. "Mm, I gotta pee real quick. Lemme up. I'll be right back."

"You weren't even that good at it, ya loser." You spit back. He stopped and looked you dead in the eye, "That's not what you were sayin' last night. You goddamn liar. You wouldn't shut the fuck up, 'Oh Kats, don't stop Kats, holy shit Kats. You're God's gift to women, Ka-'…"

You slapped his flexed bicep, laughing. "I would never say such lies. I would never wish you on anyone. Man or woman. You're terrible. You're a terrible, horrible, filthy person."

You tried, and failed.

"Yeah? Gotta piss, eh. Well, you should've thought about that before you sassed off to me, fuckin' brat. Now, lemme see if you can keep that smart ass mouth of yours shut while I give it to you again." He leaned down and started to lap at your clit. You inhaled sharply, unable to get anything out of your mouth but a desperate whine. "K-Kats, really. I - h- oh fuck, th- fuck that's good. You're stupid good at eatin' pussy. And I promise I'll come back to you after I use the little girls room. Ge-get up, p- pl- … Kats, you're gonna make me cum and it's not gonna stop at that. It's not gonna be pretty."

He wouldn't let up on your clit. And it was so fucking hard for you to make him. It felt so good, very first thing in the morning. His fingers found their way inside of your hot and dripping pussy, sliding in and out easily. He knew just where to hit you and when. He knew exactly what buttons to push. He knew your body almost as well as you did and it was so good.

Katsuki looked up at you, his eyes hooded and his mouth slick with your juices, "You're so fuckin' cute when you whine for me to stop. However … not gonna ... stop. Not until I can feel your cum dripping down my chin and your legs are shaking aroun' my ears."

You laughed and dropped your head back onto your pillow. "I'm warning you. You have been warned, you stubborn shit." Resting your forearm over your eyes and anchoring your other hand in the hair just above his undercut, you gave in to him. And relaxed, while trying not to relax everything too much.

And, so you did. You quit your bitching and relaxed into his mouth on your cunt. It was warm. His tongue running between your folds wasn't much in contrast to how the rest of you felt; it was wet and hot, too. But when he doubled down, sucking on your little bud of nerves and delving his fingers into you, it was nearly more than you could handle. His nose sliding over your clit when his mouth wasn't on it. You could feel yourself quickly approaching that crossroad.

He hummed approvingly when you melted under his touch and raised your hips to match the ebb and flow of his ministrations. He was sloppy, his slurps and soft moans only egged you on more. "What are you so - hohh shit - happy about? Nothing about this is going to end well, Katsuki." He let go of your clit with a pop and told you to quit yer bitchin', let him do what he enjoys doing and does best. "Fine. But you're changing the sheets, shit ass." You laughed at his response to that; He buried his face even further into your hot core and doubled his efforts.

"Hm-mahh, Kats, nuh-uh, nonono oh fu- holy shit! I'm g- I'm gonna fffuuuccckkk, Katsuki!"

Your cheeks turned rosy pink and you felt the sudden urge to have the fan on. "Kats - hot, I'm h-hot." He grumbled into your cunt, "Fuck, I know y'are. I know, baby. So fuckin' hot. Cum for me, c'mon."

Your body tensed up and your knees snapped shut as your orgasm hit you like a runaway semi. The hot liquid - not much of a surprise to you - caught your husband completely off guard. Despite your many, many warnings, he still didn't anticipate the release of such bodily fluids.

"Hol- … holy fucking shit, babe! Did you … did you just … piss?" He yelled. You had never been so grateful that your kid was at their grandma's house and not there to hear their dad yell at their mom about pissing the bed.

"I-I- YOU!!! I fucking told YOU!! And your dumbass just pushed and pushed and poked and sucked on me. And now? Well now, you have to change and wash the sheets." You looked at him with a smug look on your face that you had not earned but felt like he deserved to be at the receiving end of.

He laid there. Half stunned and fully hard. "Babe. I'm … you … fuck. That was so hot. I mean, I'm sorr-sorta sorry. But fuck. You just came so hard you pissed. I have never made you cum like that." He stood and walked over to where you were standing, dripping onto the hardwood floor. Cupping your pussy and rubbing it with the palm of his hand and fingertips, he leaned down to kiss you. "We're doing that again. I'll get the shit we need. You do whatever you need to do. I'll be back and serving up some drinks after a bit. Be ready for me. I love you, peeps."

"Peeps?" You tilted your head in confusion. "Oh, yeah. 'S my new nickname for ya. You like it?"

Laughing, you tiptoed the rest of the way to the bathroom to clean yourself off. "Whatever floats your boat, baby. Whatever floats your boat."

Taglist ::: @darkstarlight82 @millennialmagicalgirl // @bakubunny (Yes I know. But just in case you somehow missed it and because of the conversation we had about his little kinks the other day ; )) @thenamesmiz (if you only wanted kiri stuff lmk!) @callm3senpaii (are you still out there? Lol) @arlerts-angel

[kalisseo]

clone high season 2 episode 8

this post has been the hardest to make for me, I've made three drafts that were so messy that I'm just making a fourth one but I really wanted to talk about this

I've been meaning for months to make this post I just didn't bc idk I'm #lazy but I'm finally writing it

so yeah, this fucking episode ohmygobbbruhhhhh

// cw for sa , grooming and mentions of sex (basically everything that involves talking about this episode)

i want to start with saying that I'm not against any form of art using heavy topics like sa, not everything needs to be easy to consume, but everything needs to be treated with all due respect, something that clone high didn't

my general opinion is that this episode shouldn't exist in the first place, I can think of a few ways that it can be replaced with another plot/themes/ideas and still work out. and the fact that it was watered down a lot too, and they deleted another weird plot it's just. UGHHH, scary to think that even watered down it's so bad, the storyboards are so much worse

we all know the original show and love it, but it had many inappropriate weird jokes about the clones, and the reboot is supposed to be the modern and respectful (woke, if you will) clone high, so why make something so much worse than those jokes?

saying this about the reboot because I think it's pretty obvious that's kinda the intention, the meta comments in the sleepover ep and random stuff in the show, like the sea-men song in the same fucking episode, but whatever this is just my very personal view so idk

well it's easy just because they hate abe with a burning passion

overall, i feel like the reboot was way more explicit with the sex jokes (joan's dream about abe, the abe anxiety scene where joan and jfk are just doing it but with clothes THE EYE SEX SCENE IN SEASON 3) which is just unnecessary

"oh but teenagers have sex haha!! those are just jokes!!" jokes that are not even FUNNY, and just uncomfortable and totally unnecessary

and the blackmailing plot is just another example of this, the worst one, because this involves a heavy and delicate topic like sa

like I said, I'm not against media talking about these topics, but clone high simply shouldn't talk about it

it's a COMEDY, a PARODY, and even though these genres can deal with these topics, it's only if it's WELL EXECUTED, and with all due respect, something that clone high didn't. Also clone high never got too serious or deep about this kind of stuff, so again, it's just another uncomfortable unnecessary thing

I'd say that it's just a joke, but it doesn't even feel like it, it doesn't even feel like it's supposed to be funny (maybe one of the many failed attempts of this show at being funny) it feels like the clone high writers just think they put abe in an awkward situation, when in reality it was a traumatic event, it wasn't treated with respect, and more like something bad but not traumatic that happened to abe, saying this because it wasn't even acknowledged, just like two times, and again it felt that way

overall the whole episode is weird and sucksass (i guesss kahlopatra is the only normal thing), completely unnecessary and could've been easily replaced with other stuff

want joanfk to get back together? ok but why with sex? why is their whole chemistry just sexual chemistry? Why not make a valentine day episode instead? scudworth can make potions or serums or whatever those liquids were, why not make a love potion so they fall in love again? why not just , you knowww try to make them get back with NO sex involved

and why is abe obsessed with his virginity?

want topher to get in the way of joanabe? ok but why like that? the blackmailing plot could've even been funny if only the material was different. why not Topher took an ugly photo of abe instead? or why can't he just be there and ruin the moment for joan and abe? the whole virginity thing and convincing him to have sex with the teacher it's just unnecessary

and I get it, Topher's a freak and an asshole, and many people say this is ooc, but if it's ooc or not it's rather irrelevant. to me, the important thing is that the idea could've been executed in a different and better way if they wanted to portray topher like an asshole

the writers just wanted something to get in the way of joanabe, and topher was the most viable option, and I like the idea of him just being there ruining everything but again, using sa was completely unnecessary and weird

might make another post about this, but I want to say first that when posting about canon, I've always imagined that topher did blackmail abe, but with something like an stupid ugly photo of him picking his nose

whatever, if you hate this episode bc it's weird you're totally right and if you hate topher for this I totally understand you

this version ended up being a mess too but I don't feel like making a fifth one ❤️ might make a pt 2 who knows feel free to add your own points in the comments or reblogs

[pedge-page]

Personal:

My anxiety at work is spiking. I feel so lazy and not performing what is exacted at me, even performing worse than last year. And I asked 2 stupid questions I think already just today alone and can tell my manager is not happy with me because after all this time I should know this shit but I DONT because I'm not involved or with it mentally as i am expected to be. Just fucking existing and unsure and barely trying, not even using my brain really at this point but having little to no guidance , which makes me feel worse because clearly I need my hand held through everything. I'm not application based nor do I have the brain to figure basic stuff out on my own. Like at this point she should fire me for being so inefficient and ineffective if I can't take initiative to do things myself especially after being in this role for over a year and a half. I just don't know what I'm doing and I lounge around and make busy work but clearly didn't realize there was other stuff i should have been figuring out and doing but I didn't KNOW because Im too fucking dumb.

I have to take this test too as part of my goals but I'm not ready because it's so application based and I barely understand the coursework. I feel so slow lately like I can't concentrate how I used to in school. I've been "studying" (if you can call it that, more like a loose 2 hours a week) since April and it's fucking August, the test is $150 and I don't want to fail but i know I will! Every time I try to study, I get so overwhelmed by how foreign everything is, and the practice tests are even harder than the material it's supposed to reflect ans I just start crying at work which is so pathetic. I cry so easily over everything lately.

Plus my mom ans dad on my ass "Oh you need a new job anyone would take you you're so smart you need a challenge" like clearly not, I'm too dumb for this base level job but they don't see it nor know anything that I'm actually doing!

I just want to drink bubble tea, buy plants, and clean / organize stuff.

[purplesurveys]

1952

What is something you feel you're "due for"? A new job, hahaha. I've been yapping about it on here and in real life since like 2022 and I've gotten nowhere. I can easily acknowledge that it's an issue of me being lazy and scared of major changes, but at the same time it's been quite difficult to land a role that's at par with the level/tier I've reached since the pool just becomes narrower and more selective the higher you get. I do try my best, but at the same time getting rejected or outright ignored also gets so deflating and it's really the main reason why my job-hunting has been staggered over the years. I basically get into phases of getting motivated to move, then being discouraged because of all the rejects and going back to my job, then being motivated again when I reach another burnout...so on and so forth.

Is there an aspect of your relationship that other people describe or remark on often, but which you can't see yourself or which you feel they're misreading (or you're confused about why or how you come off that way)? Not a romantic relationship but those who know check in on me and my nonexistent relationship with my brother, like they'd periodically ask if we've started talking again. I feel like they fail to understand the very simple rule that family is not supposed to lay a finger on family.

What is the earliest online space you remember joining/inhabiting? How old were you and what do you remember or miss (or not miss) about that space? The early kids' magazines of the 2000s had their own online forums, one of which I was an active member. I was 9 so everything about my online activity was super cringey, from my username to the comments I'd post, so it's a part of my past that I never really think about nor mention to anybody lol.

What is a new experience (or something you haven't experienced in a while) that you would like to experience again soon? Do you have any plans to do so? In the last couple of months I've gone to the cinemas on my own, which I found really fun and therapeutic! It's been limited to K-pop documentaries, though, so I'd love to branch out and buy myself a ticket for whatever movie I may be looking forward to seeing soon. The MMFF will kick off in a few days so maybe I'll start from there.

Has a hobby or interest of yours been so obsessive to the point of interfering with your responsibilities or "real life"? I feel like the only time this happened - and to the point where it became a problem - was when I was 10 and we had internet recently installed at home. I had NEVER experienced being online until that point so exploring the world wide web was literally hypnotizing. I was visiting so many websites in a day and pouring several hours into each of them...I was also barely sleeping and would make multiple cups of coffee so I can keep being on the computer. At some point I started failing my exams so my mom very rightfully took the laptop away from me. At the time I thought it was the most unfair punishment but at 26...I now know she did the right thing, lmao.

When was the last time you thought about reconnecting with someone? What sparked your interest in doing so? Did you act on the thought? Tbh I don't really think of this a lot. It's just that I know the people I grew up with have their own lives now and so do I. Reconnecting simply hasn't been a priority since I prefer to be on my own much more and I'm more than happy with the circle I'm left with.

If a scenario happens where I naturally and organically get to reconnect with someone from my past, that's always great. But I wouldn't be doing it proactively.

What is something that other people seemingly find emotionally moving that you don't? What about vice versa? Healthy mom-child relationships. Like when I encounter stories of people gushing about their moms or just being super thankful for their mom's love and support; I understand the idea of it being a tear-jerker but I'm not fazed by it one bit because I don't really get to say the same or act the same. I'm grateful to my mom, of course; but we just never got to have a deep relationship and I know we never will.

In contrast, I do get emotional when I see testimonials for my dad because I am quite close with mine and have had to contend with living without him all my life.

Anyway, to answer the 'vice versa' part...I guess anything related to my niche interests haha? Like wrestling. There are so many emotional moments to its storytelling that you'd only get as a fan but will never translate to a non-fan.

What is a revelation/realization you've had about someone (a friend, family member) recently? I mean...my dad recently shared that in his younger years his family accidentally ran over my grandma's thigh when she fell off their truck. They didn't mean to, of course, but the way she fell just unfortunately matched the angle that'd lead her to getting ran over. She got out fine with no issues or injuries whatsoever.

If you had to reread a book right now, which book would you reread? There's none that comes to mind.

Is there a lyric/motto/phrase/quote that inevitably/seemingly goes through your brain at least once a day? Either "future's gonna be okay," or "everything goes."

What is a cliche that you truly believe in (eg, that "everyone is good at heart")? That everything will fall into place. It's not realistic, but it's one of the few bits of optimism I like to keep close. It also helps me calm down when I start feeling overwhelmed or start to get the feeling of wanting to compare myself to others.

How do you typically consume news? Digitally. I hear whatever breaking news there is on either my Facebook feed or on Reddit. On a much smaller scale I'll also get news from the evening program.

[malrie]

sdfjsdkf i've pretty much done so extensively here and marginally here and in fear of yapping more than i already do let me just explain my jason villain theory and only that..ish.. i don't have all the receipts/quotations from the book bc i'm lazy but anyone can factcheck me lol. but. the GIST of it is that you can easily read jason as percy's foil simply because that's how we're introduced to him - as a literal equivalent of percy jackson. but rather than an equivalent it always felt like he fell more into being his antithesis instead.

you've covered it in your original post plenty, that jason is what you'd call an industry plant (lol). he's given the tools, he's set up in ways that plenty of demigods (especially in the big 3) are usually not, what w the patron goddesses lupa + hera and being looked to for leading since he was extremely young bc of his dad, etc. essentially, yeah. he can't fail. and he doesn't really. he does everything right. child soldier employee of the year award yayyy. so it bears weight that percy, who was quite literally set up to fail from the start because of his circumstances, worked (arguably) twice as hard as jason did over the course of his books to receive just as many accolades as jason did on his own time at camp jupiter.

plenty of times in the books, people's perception of jason/their anecdotes never really matches up when you read his perspective or any of the other seven. it isn't natural charisma to be charismatic only when called for, which he is. and in moa when he and percy meet, it always feels like he's taking percy's lead when they do the goofy machismo thing. he's fine with mirroring himself to people's expectations bc that was what he was raised for.

now all of this combined canonically builds to nothing. but seeing it altogether really feels like the perfect kind of build for a resentment that we never see in him. and the first thing that locked me into this as an actual theory is the entire hercules-piper-jason interaction with the cornucopia in moa. i just reread that and was struck with how strangely riordan worded certain things, specifically:

Hercules was a bitter, selfish jerk. He'd hurt too many people, and he wanted to keep on hurting them. Maybe he'd had some bad breaks. Maybe the gods had kicked him around. But that didn't excuse it. A hero couldn't control the gods, but he should be able to control himself. Jason would never be like that. He would never blame others for his problems or make a grudge more important than doing the right thing.

this chapter was interesting because someone (guy with horn forgot his name sawry) directly told piper to be wary of sons of zeus/jupiter. it ended up that this warning really was nothing at all for her and jason's arc, because in the end he was the one to die saving her. but read the two paragraphs again!! why is the structure so odd and foreboding!! riordan picks up plot points and drops them in hoo at his leisure all the time, but the direct jump from the last line of that paragraph chiding hercules's anger against the world versus jason's ability of self-control felt SO jarring to me on my reread since it felt too emphasized. and i realize it's because his arc is built around the idea that he is the embodiment of control, so the thought of its natural opposite - chaos - isn't far behind.

if jason "lost control" (whatever that entailed) that would be a true completion of his coming of age arc. and i think it was such a lost opportunity that we never received it - in either him defecting from either camps in some way or an actual refusal of the call trope (also notably something percy has been known to have done once or twice, but never jason). and lastly, it would be a direct rejection of what his life was originally given up for - the gods and fate and the society that raised him to be like this. he would finally be able to choose something for himself in a way that mattered to him. jason probably being a terrifying evil villain for our protags to face is just icing on the cake.

anyway have any of you ever thought about how Jason was raised by wolves and then an army and told he had to be the best so he became the best, made himself the best using his experiences and power, who has to prove himself time and time again to the people who made him, and then he meets Percy Jackson who, with almost none of Jason’s training, without having been raised and molded into a leader, is better than him

Percy Jackson, who had a childhood, who had a mom, who seems all the better for it. Jason can finish his quests and missions and get a pat on the back and congratulations for bringing honor to the Legion and nothing else because that’s what’s expected of him, while Percy gets hugs and cookies and tears of relief and so much love because people had been hoping he’d succeed, not because it meant victory, but because it meant he'd live.

all of the things Jason’s gone through to make him that perfect leader and soldier feel like they were all for nothing because he looks at Percy Jackson and sees that perfect leader and soldier and none of the things that made Jason good are what made him great

[autisticlee]

everyone wants me to be "more independent" (parents, therapist, case manager, friends, even strangers on the internet) but the thing is...I don't WANT to be. I force myself to do everything alone and hate asking for help because I was taught i'm a burden for doing so. I stay alone most of my time and do everything alone. no one offers help and if I need to ask, it's hard to get anyone to actually help. so I feel super independent already.

but not necessarily by choice. it was forced onto me. I was never ready. I was forced to act like am adult at a young age because...I don't know. I was "tall" for my age? i'm not sure. but I felt I was forced to grow up faster than other kids my age and before I was ready.

people in my life don't want to accept of believe it, but I struggle a lot. I have always. I never got the help or support I needed despite it being VERY obvious that I can't live a "normal" abled life they expect from me and tried to force me into. no one will accept that. being autistic and adhd and having a dissociative disorder and cptsd, and the list goes on, makes me get overwhelmed and confused super easily. I forget things, I lose track of time and myself, executive dysfunction is a permanent feature, I don't understand things very well most of the time, etc. but because I refuse to ask for help since i've always been expected not to, I either fail through everything or struggle to try doing it myself. leads to even more overwhelm than i have naturally, makes my physical ailments flare up all the time, and makes me burn out constantly to the point I can't do anything at all for months or even years and get even more behind, causing me to waste large chunks of my life away.

when it reaches that point, I can't do what's expected of me at all (which is most of the time to be honest. my "abled" days are extremely limited, like a few days out of the year if i'm lucky) I can't pretend i'm capable anymore. people feel the need to lecture me about not being "lazy" and "expecting everyone to do things for me" because I wont do the things they expect, even if I don't ask them for help. if I do ask for help, I get ignored or told to do it myself. some things need done for survival, so I just unwillingly put my already burnt out and exhausted self into a dissociative state in order to survive the constant pain and exhaustion.

lately i'm trying to ask for help more, but of course, everyone pushes back and tells me I "need to learn to do things myself/be more independent," as expected. my therapist and case manager say it's their jobs to help me "gain independence."

but, the thing is, I can't do that. I can't be constantly independent. not in the way i'm expected. i'm independent in that I spend 99% of my life alone in my room doing stuff on my own (sleeping, watching things, video games, drawing). i'm independent in that I struggle to ask for help from anyone and instead sit silently in confusion and pain and struggle until I fail or someone offers help on their own. the more I try to be the expected "independent," the more I burn out and struggle and waste my life away....but it's so hard to get people to understand that. I have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my wellbeing to even pretend to have their expected level of independence. it doesn't feel worth it. what I need is specific help and support that's not offered for adults who are expected to be independent. and it's so hard to explain that to anyone!

sometimes I need someone to do things with me by letting me follow them and copy what they do. I need someone to lead me and do things for me when i'm too overwhelmed and confused. sometimes I need someone to speak my words for me because I cant speak them. sometimes I need someone to be my human alarm clock and make sure I do things on time. sometimes I need someone to remind me of the same things over and over. sometimes I need someone to help me by making food or washing my hair.

I don't want to be babied and treated like a child. I want someone to do the things I tell them to do or help me figure out what i'm struggling with because I don't always even know i'm struggling or why. I don't need to "learn how to stop struggling and how to do it alone" because i've been trying that and it makes me struggle more because it's overwhelming and exhausting! I just need some help with things so don't keep reaching this constant 100% uptime of burnout! my brain and body cant take living in constant, unending burnout due to daily demands of living as a disabled person!

[honey-milk-depresso]

Ujhhh Thomas and friends s/o with scarabia🏃‍♀️💥🚗

AYEE BESTIEEEE-

You're a "helper" - ensuring the needs of your peers to be fulfilled and that issues would be resolved quickly and peacefully.

You adapt quickly to your surroundings, getting used to its quirks and overcoming them with ease, gaining people's trust easily and round up a large network of connections with people.

You're an efficient worker, and you resolve things in timely and orderly fashion with ease.

Added in Trey and Ruggie bestie U3U

The friendly and efficient helper, s/o (Thoma)

Kalim al Asim

Kalim adores you! You might not be as hype as him, but he can tell you're a very happy person and you enjoy a good time (sfw- don't think otherwise you honkee-)! You make everyone around you happy!

And you always help Jamil out! Even Jamil now feels happy that you help him, and he's super grateful. You help Kalim in studies together with Jamil, you taught him how to cook when he needed help..

You helped him out in so many things that he lost count.

He feels a little embarrassed, having you help him so often and expect nothing in return.

Kalim spoils you with gifts in return, hoping that it shows how grateful he is that you helped him, Jamil, Scarabia, everyone!

You tell him with a bright smile on your face that it's just your thing; you love helping people and you love being with him!

He grins wide, eyes sparkling like the stars at night.

"I'm so happy!" <3

Jamil Viper

Jamil was a little bit sceptical of your kindness and helpfulness.

He thinks you're trying to gain something from him and/or Kalim. Jamil can't help it, it's by instinct that he feels this way since that's sort of his job to look after Kalim and trust no one- .

Jamil would later warm up to you, upon realizing you're genuine about the help offer, and that you just love helping others in need.

He can't tell you the number of times you eased his work, like watching over Kalim and making sure he doesn't do anything stupid, helping him cook food, doing the laundry, helping Scarabia with their homework so they don't fail-

Stuff like that really helps him to release tension from his stiff muscles and actually relax.

"Are you feeling more relaxed, Jamil?" you said with a warm smile.

He blushed, diverting his eyes away from you but smiled regardless.

"Yeah... I am." <3

Trey Clover

Trey is quite surprised by the friendly aura you radiate.

That type of genuine kindness he feels can only exist in RSA. But he wasn't going to deny not being happy with the help received.

Trey has always been restless due to the amount of work thrown at him, and he's usually the one giving the help to others. Your tireless zeal to help him and Heartslabyul made him feel like YOU'RE the vice dorm leader of Heartslabyul.

Everyone seems to like your company, even Riddle for the countless of times he has invited you to Unbirthday parties.

Trey is really grateful that you helped him in many areas; cooking, baking, preparing for the unbirthday parties, making sure no one gets their heads off, everything runs smoothly.

And you even organized his room for him, he... he's quite overwhelmed by your generosity.

He bakes you sweet goods to show you how thankful he is.

"This is really good, I love the sweetness of it!" you said, mouth half stuffed with the sweet pastry filled with gooey jam.

"Not as sweet as you~" <3

Ruggie Bucchi

A little sceptical of your help like Jamil. Youre not trying to take his lunch, right..?

Why tf do we wanna do that, that's stupid-

But regardless, soon warmed up to you and embraced the help given by you.

As vice dorm leader, work is hectic. Not to mention when your dorm leader is lazy and pushes all the work to you.

It's frustrating and tiring and he hates it.

When you help him, he feels like the sevens has blessed him as there are now half of the many problems he has on his plate.

You make him lunch, help him cook food for Leona, help him to get Leona out of bed, do the chores, folding all the sheets and laundry...

He needs dire help in managing all of it, and you have answered his pleads. Finally, he doesn't have to do everything alone.

He doesn't know how to return the favor though, Ruggie just helps you back when you need the help.

"It's okay, Ruggie! I got this!" you would flash a reassuring smile.

Caught off guard by your sweet smile, he blushed bashfully. "I... just wanna help you like you do with me.." <3

Reblogs help! ^^

[fireemblems24]

Golden Wildfire - Ch 5

Spoilers for GW under the cut.

STORY/MAP

Judith!!! Why aren't you playable 😭. Imagine if she and Rodrigue hooked up. Double the sexy.

Claude said "three houses." I'm easily entertained.

Holst is always eating mushrooms and getting sick before meetings.

Shez just fighting this war to get at Jeralt and Byleth, lamo.

At least it's nice Edelgard won a battle not against the church. She actually chased the Alliance back. Though, it's only because of heel-face-turns.

Raphael's eyes are too light-colored. He looks creepy. And, man, Claude is really hard-carrying the Golden Deer for looks for men.

Arval is shitting on Claude for constant retreating lamo.

Still have no idea why he didn't ask Dimitri for help. He's like, oh, shit, the Empire's huge ass army is kicking our ass. They're also fighting the Kingdom. Oh, no, what do we do? Talk to Dimitri? Of course not. Why would we do that?

LINHARDT AND HILDA HAVE SUPPORTS. FUCK YES. It's the lazy duo. OMG, yes. I wanted this soooooo bad. It better be comedic genius.

MAP

Don't worry, Lorenz. Your dad isn't really betraying everyone.

The only place Gatekeeper really makes sense is the Kingdom right now. Why wouldn't he continue guarding the church?

There's a lot of Judith simping going on, and I'm here for it.

Lysithea over here openly hating the Empire. Can't blame her. I feel like all that "honorary Black Eagle" nonsense forget she HATES the Empire.

Why is Claude blaming himself for the Empire's aggression? Did I see this conversation in SB? I don't remember.

Once again, someone is unable to make reforms because Edelgard started a war lol. Both Claude and Dimitri had plans for reform and positive change, but they got halted because of Edelgard.

Is it just me or is Lorenz like really good? He and Dimitri are by far my favorite to play as so far.

SHEZ & LEONIE C SUPPORT

Ready for some mercenary bonding, I'd expect.

Uh oh. I forgot that they may disagree over Jeralt. Surprised she didn't react to Leonie name-dropping Jeralt though.

This is a pretty interesting support for lore potential.

MARIANNE & HILDA C SUPPORT

Judith! I love it when other characters show up in supports.

Is Hilda going to make Marianne do all the work? Oh, thank God. She's not, lol.

Hahah, Marianne sucked at organizing. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Judith does not approve. This is funny so far.

Aww, Hilda is taking the fall. That was sweet.

SHEZ & HILDA C SUPPORT

Lamo at Shez charging head-first into every battle. Very shonen of them.

They have two very different fighting styles lol.

Aww, Hilda is looking out for Shez.

SHEZ & LYSITHEA C SUPPORT

Lysithea is like, I expected you to be more reckless! Meanwhile, that support with Hilda she's too reckless.

I really don't get the vibe that Claude trusts Shez despite what Lysithea said, since he's not telling Shez anything.

Oh, no, Shez called Lysithea the "k" word. She's really prickly.

Love Shez calling Lysithea out for being a hypocrite and saying she's acting like a kid lamo.

That support is everything I hate about Lysithea.

LORENZ & LEONIE C SUPPORT

Bummed they only go to B. They might be my favorite pairings for each other.

Aww, man, that SUCKS for Leonie. I didn't think about that. She had to raise so much money to attend, only for it to last like a month. That hurts. It seems the church gave some back at least.

This is really similar to Shez and Lorenz's support, but I think Lorenz seems like he's coming from a much better place this time. In that one he was so fixated on class. Here he seems more worried he failed to help a commoner out.

LORENZ & MARIANNE C SUPPORT

Marianne got forced into this war 😭 Now I feel so bad for using her. But she's my favorite Golden Deer.

Lorenz offered to speak on her behalf. That's sweet.

I like him encouraging her, but it's still an example of why Dimitri/Marianne is so good. There's no "oh, just cheer up!" that rings so hallow. Raphael/Marianne is pretty good too, because he actually just cheers her up.

HILDA & LEONIE C SUPPORT

"Oh, Hilda, perfect!" - Leonie. "I am, aren't I?" - Hilda 🤣 It's even funnier because Leonie's not even fazed by it.

Leonie asked the wrong person to train lol. Hilda never wants to.

These two are so mismatched. 🤣🤣

Hilda just called Leonie cute lamo.

Did Hilda just invite "cute" Leonie to come to her tent for a bath?

IGNATZ & RAPHAEL C SUPPORT

Wow, they haven't spoken during the whole timeskip?

And Ignatz not bringing up his art at all is super sad.

So Ignatz doesn't want to be a knight and is one, and Raphael wants to be a knight but can't be one. All because of the war.

CLAUDE & RAPHAEL C SUPPORT

I learned absolutely nothing about either character in this support.

At least it brought up how the war is ruining common people's lives because Raphael's family can't travel because it's too dangerous.

I love how Claude's like "those silly eagles and lions always fighting each other" when Dimitri literally just wants to be left alone.

HILDA & LINHARDT C SUPPORT

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

He's like, lamo, you're working. Why?

"And to be clear. I'm not here to help." Linhardt is golden. "Oh, Linhardt, you're on break? Perfect! Then you can help me with this awful whatever that I'm doing!" He continues to be the most quotable.

"Your life seems to be one permanent break." 🤣🤣

Linhardt's even worse than Hilda. As it should be.

MARIANNE & LYSITHEA C SUPPORT

I fully anticipate this to be as awkward and pointless as Claude's and Raphael's support. But it's more Marianne content so . . .

Ohhhh wait, maybe I'm wrong if this is about crest drama.

Fuck that crest scholar. Leave Marianne alone.

Lysithea coming to Marianne's rescue about an annoying crest person is not what I expected, but I'm not upset about it.

Lysithea's really mature here. I like this.

This is the support they deserved in Houses.

NGL, this was actually really cool. REALLY wish it went higher than C.

LEONIE & LINHARDT C SUPPORT

Linhardt is such a mood.

It's refreshing to see Leonie not pressure Linhardt into changing, she just accepts him as his lazy self.

Linhardt's never been hunting, hunh. It's sweet he thought Leonie could use an owl mask for hunting.

And she got him a useless statue. At least he's trying now.

This is kinda cute, ngl. They made each other laugh.

MAIN BATTLE

OK, I was so convinced I accidentally clicked on my SB playthrough that I reset the game, but nope, this really opens with a conversation about why Bernie, a Black Eagle, is fighting . . .

Is this setting up for her recruitment or????

Ok, finally back to Claude and co. Just generic stuff about preparing for Edelgard's invasion though.

Love Judith calling Claude "little Claude." That's what SB is missing, an adult figure like Rodrigue or Judith.

All that talk with Bernie, and only Balthus is recruitable this chapter. Oh, well, I was planning on using him anyways.

Oh, finally! Holst. I was wondering when he's be playable. I should've guessed given I only had 3 units under my control and 4 non-controlled allies running around.

Man, Lorenz is just busted, isn't he?

Claude really doesn't tell his allies anything, does he? I appreciate Lorenz for calling him out on it.

Oh, and Shez can call him out too!

His plan is that Glouster never actually betrayed him, right? That he's a plant to backstab the Empire like in SB?

Balthus and Holst now playable, woot!

Also, it took me like half the battle to figure out that Holst was a sword unit. Like, IDK, he looks like a warrior. I only noticed it when I saw that Ferdinand would blow him away, lamo.

Cool to see Ferdinand leading this stuff though. Seeing him actually get to do something.

Yep, Glouster never wanted anything to do with Edelgard, lamo. Though, why isn't she here?

They really should've told Lorenz this plan. I mean, he's Glouster's kid. I mean, Lysithea knew, so why not Lorenz? Poor Lorenz.

Is it bad I'm more curious about why Glouster didn't tell Lorenz about the plan ahead of time than anything else going on in GW so far? IDK, I just really like more personal drama I guess. Rather than Edelgard tries to kill everyone round, what is it now like 7 routes??

It's better in AG and SB because they're more tied to/involved in the drama. Poor Claude and the Deer seem destined to feel like a third-wheel again so far.

My big hope is that Edelgard realizes she can't take both the Kingdom and the Alliance at the same time, so she decides to focus on the Kingdom only since that's where Rhea is (and, let's face it the country she'll have a WAYYYY harder time bringing to heel under her dominance than the Alliance). So that'll free Claude and co up to do something more interesting than exactly the same thing he did in AM/VW/SS/CF/AG/SB so far. Yikes. I mean, Shahaid or however you spell his name is still there, right? Let Almyra be relevant.

SSS

[naoko-world]

How I relate to (most of) the characters in Encanto

I often say I relate to a lot of characters in Encanto! Not everyone of them, like I'm nothing like Julieta, but a lot of them are like me in their own way. Honestly there are so many it's like this movie was made to touch me.

Starting with Bruno because...He's my favorite so...And I'm the one to decide!

I relate to Bruno a lot! Well, I'm neurodivergeant, I have some mental health issues and honestly I'm glad they cut that scene where we see him talk to his rats. Because it would hit too close from home and could have triggered me.

Like him, sometimes I try to make people laugh and it fails because I'm bad at joking (Bruno is hilarious though) then it gets awkward and I'm hoping it didn't spoil my relationship with people. Well, because like him again I'm pretty nervous and anxious. I often fidget with my hands (or feet) like he does and seriously if I could hide in the walls of my home I totally would to just escape my worries. With some entertainments because it would quickly be a bit boring alone in there.

Also I would totally have tried a joke like "It looks like rain" to try to make a member of my family laughs and it thus lead a big event into a disaster...I mean I know I tried making jokes and it was taken seriously. And I had to apologize. Same thing when I say things a bit too bluntly because I didn't think I'd hurt someone by talking like I did.

I too have a very low esteem of myself. I think I'm not a good person, I'm someone who can feel really dark feelings, someone who can hurt others because of jealousy or because I have one person bothering me so I grow hate and anger.

I also look an awfully lot like Mirabel!

Like physically I have glasses, she has glasses, I have a round face, she has too, short hair like her and curls in my hair. Hers are curlier though, my hair are more wavy. And her skin is darker than mine.

It's not the only part I look like her though since I have the same kind of anxiety of her and Bruno. I just want to be special, want to be skilled, to be useful to the society which I can't do because I don't have a job so some people think I'm just lazy. I'm not lazy though, I'm job hunting but recruiters feel I'm nervous so they don't want to have me in their company because I'd "be eaten" (yes, one recruiter decided to not lose more time and told me that).

Another part I have in common with Mirabel, something people I love know about, is when I love someone I'll show it a lot. If I was in a musical like Encanto I'd have one song for each of my closed friends telling them how wonderful they are!

When I was a kid I was talking really low and I sometimes talk low without noticing it, but when growing up I started talking way louder and becoming more extravert and less introvert, my shyness showing less. I'm still shy though, like I smile a lot and give excited answers to hide my nervosity and uncertainty. Well, now when I need to interact with people I take a deep breath before.

But enough with Mirabel! Time to talk about Pepa!

Maybe it'll surprise people but I tend to be a really bad-tempered woman. Like when I can easily get angry and when I do it's hard to actually hide it.

So yeah I can relate to Pepa. I still manage to contain my anger until I can unleash it somewhere but MAN if I had Pepa's gift I would like get much more upset than the usual because I'd get upset for being upset and afraid people would hate me for getting upset.

Me with Pepa's gift, Paris would very often see hurricanes.

That's all for Pepa now is...Luisa's turn!

Yes, after Pepa, Bruno and Mirabel I relate a lot to Luisa.

It'll be quick though: I can understand feeling I must carry the weight of everything on my shoulders.

I'm not the oldest of my siblings, I'm actually the youngest, but my older brother is autistic. I'm not talking about autistics like @hectic-hector for example who can still be independant, more an autism like can't understand how to (or the point to) use a computer, is yelling instead of talking, and if we don't watch over him he could empty the fridge or go on the road and be killed. It's like that since I was a kid and I always felt I had to be the oldest, be the one in charge to look after him, to literally carry the weight on my shoulders.

I also tend to take very seriously every task I'm given, and I gets desperate when I can't do it efficiently.

But enough with Luisa! Now is time to talk about the one I didn't imagine I'd relate to her: Isabela!

Well, I was never said I should be perfect but I still feel I must, as if any mistake from my part is unforgivable. As if if something isn't perfect from my part it's worth nothing. As if I must always smile and be sweet, never be angry or the one in need of moral support. Like I'm not even authorized to cry because it bothers my dad.

Ah but well there is also what I said in my analysis of the Adults in Encanto on Isabela's character and how she stays feminine but by her own terms at the end of the movie. About how, again, I was the "not like other girls" girl because I like Video games, mangas, hate makeup and shopping...So I was saying I'm not feminine because I'm not a woman according to the society's view of a woman.

However I still identify as a woman and I still have feminine parts. There was the parts asked to me by the society (and especially some other women) which I didn't like and ended up being hateful toward in response to pressure, and there was the parts nobody asked me for but are still considered feminines. Like I like taking care of my hair, I like wearing some hairclips, crunchies, or hairbands. I like jewellery too like I have some in a box. I wear some earrings everyday, as well as a pendant about Bruno because I love it. I love plushies and dolls too or knitting. I'm fond of what's cute! I'm feminine!

This is why I can relate to her as the pressure to be perfect, but also the pressure to be what society says I should be as a woman.

Who else?

I think I can relate to Camilo?

Also have to be the one to smile and reassure the others. And afraid to be a bother when I complain.

Antonio?

Like nobody asks me for anything, especially when I was a kid, but I still could see what was happening and I wanted to help, not let the adults struggle while I was playing. I wanted to show we could count on me! Be of use!

Agustin?

Like I can understand wanting to reassure someone and be afraid for them but still having to smile and then someone else says something and I realise it's what I should have said. Then I'd literally yell on someone else to defend them.

And...Alma.

Yes, I can relate to HER! She's the antagonist but I also said she's an amazing character with a tragic story who doesn't deserve the hate. Today though I realise I can even relate to her in some way. Even while I'm still only in my 30's.

I know a bit the feeling to want to control everything, to have everything be perfect and be frustrated when everything doesn't go according to the plan because I doesn't want errors to be repeated.

Like me not wanting to see hate on the Internet anymore after my experience on Twitter and people hating each other for nothing. But I can't control people, even those I love.

Well, honestly at this point that's all! It's a good way to reflect on myself to say who I can relate to and how! And it's again an occasion to analyse characters I love!

[beevean]

Try giving each X game overall scores!

I already ranked 3 out of 8 games so I'm going to copypaste since my opinion hasn't changed :P

X1: 9/10. Just solid in every department. A couple of slip ups aside (like the fact that you have to start with Chill Penguin or the rest of the game is nigh unbeatable), it’s a great game from start to finish, and the worst thing you could say about it is that it’s a little basic.

X2: 8/10. As I keep saying, this game suffers from not being as impactful as its predecessor, but it’s still a fun game in its own right and it does establish more series staples, like the Dash being incorporated in X’s base moveset or having a sidequest.

X3: 6.5/10. A rather odd entry, that tries to do a lot and yet fails to stand up aside its predecessors. The way Zero was implemented in particular feels almost as if the devs were afraid of implementing this new change.

X4: 9.5/10. It says something when the worst problem of a game is only its story. Everything else is a blast, and my complaints about the boring finale are compensated by the brilliant Zero gameplay.

X5: 7/10. Despite its many flaws and weird decisions, I'd say it's pretty solid game and a good would-be finale for the series, propped up by good controls, broken moves/armors, and an enjoyable plot.

X6: 4/10. Great music can't save a game programmed with pure spite. And "programmed" is a generous word, considering the easily-exploitable glitches and some beyond lazy level design.

X7: 3/10. It works without imploding on itself. That's the most I will say.

X8: 7.5/10. Great ideas and there was clearly the intention to apologize for the two previous messes, and it has quite the interesting roster, but questionable level design makes it or breaks it.

[9tzuyu]

run into me sunday pt. ii

pt. i

notes: i am yet again projecting my own issues in fics lmao. this isn’t my favorite work, but i wanted to make a second part. this is the result. all mistakes are mine as im too lazy to proofread :P.

warnings: heavy talk of having an eating disorder.

requests are open!

the first few of weeks at natasha's house were fine. you tried really hard not to think about all the changes happening. like being monitored 24/7, or having to abide by natasha's rules all the time, or knowing that you were growing to be healthy.

it was okay, at first.

you hardly put up a fight when it came down to her rules. even meal time seemed to go without a hitch.

but as many people have said before, all good things cone to an end.

the second you woke up today, you could already tell it wasn't going to be fun. everything you'd pushed aside came crawling back, and you could feel every insecurity of yours heighten a thousand times worse than before.

nat's arms rest gently around your waist, and while it normally felt reassuring, you couldn't help but notice the extra weight you'd put on.

you still felt overly full from last night. if natasha woke up right now, you were positive she could feel how expanded your stomach was.

(god, you did not want her to feel how bloated you still were.)

now you knew there was nothing wrong with having a stomach, especially one that wasn't flat or as unwell as yours had become. but it was your body, and your body felt wrong.

feeling natasha's breath on the back of your neck, you gingerly began removing her arm from your body. however, your plan quickly failed when natasha pulled you in closer, her grip tightening around you.

you bit your lip to suppress your cries. you needed out and you needed out right now.

things quickly became unbearable. the longer you felt trapped, the more your body began to tremble. and though you despised it, you turned around to face natasha, your head buried in the crook of her neck.

the thoughts were loud. much louder than they had been the past few weeks.

you tried to keep your cries to a low level, but that didn't seem to work. natasha awoke within the very same minute. her first instinct was to check on you, but seeing as tears were streaming down your face she knew what the problem was.

nat pulled you closer to her, letting her right hand rub the backside of your body in an attempt to calm you down.

"hey now, it's okay, it's alright. you're okay, you're safe, you're here. i'm here." you continued to sob, letting every detail of your own self hatred slip from your mouth.

natasha wasn't surprised at the outburst. she knew you would have days like this, more days would soon follow. that was reality. she didn't expect your recovery to be perfect, if it was then she would know you weren't really getting better – simply putting on weight to please her.

she couldn't take away your pain (although she wished she could), but she could be there, offer you her love and support, coax you through meals when you needed her to.

when you'd finally calmed down you turned away from her, suddenly embarrassed at how you acted. she could feel you tense back up again, a failed attempt at blocking her out.

it was nat, who were you to think she couldn't read you like an open book?

nonetheless, she kissed the back of your head and moved out from under the covers. "i'm going to make breakfast, i'll be back."

you sighed. breakfast was not an option.

but 15 minutes later natasha returned with a plate of eggs, toast and a cup of fruit on the side. she even made it all pretty and nice for you.

“up, y/n. i know you don't want to, but you have to eat.”

"no," you mumbled, bringing the blanket over your head. she tugged them away instantly, "yes."

"it's too early."

"you didn't say that yesterday-"

"well i'm saying it today, natasha. now fuck off."

natasha knew better than to take your words to heart. if anything, she found it rather entertaining to see just how far you'd go to try and push her buttons.

an idea came to mind, a negotiation, really.

"tell you what, no breakfast, but you have to eat lunch and three snacks between dinner."

you thought about it for a second before peeking from underneath the covers, "deal." natasha patted your side, "i'm only doing this because you've been doing so well these past few weeks. don't count on this deal happening again." she spoke thoroughly, the plate of food now on its way into the kitchen trash-bin.

while you laid in bed natasha texted wanda. the redhead thought it would be beneficial for the younger woman to pay a visit. she knew how close the two of you were and decided to invite her over. it wasn't much, but the idea of wanda coming over and (possibly) helping you in any shape or form was very reassuring to natasha.

wanda texted back almost instantly, informing her that she was just short of an hour out, having to stop for gas on the way. natasha thumbs up'd her message and began planning out the day.

before either of you knew it, it was 12 noon. lunch had approached sooner than expected. wanda and natasha easily got caught up in a conversation. the only thing keeping time was nat's alarm that set off.

"time to go wake y/n up," natasha giggled, although she knew you'd be a challenge today. wanda followed her, too excited to wait on surprising you with lunch.

"y/n! c'mon, a special someone is here to see you."

a groan could be heard from the bed as you up to see who was there. you smiled at the sight of wanda and she immediately brought you in for a squeeze-the-life-out-of-you hug.

you didn't miss her smile faltering when she let you go.

you were still just as boney and thin as you were when you left the compound. three weeks was nothing, but you swore you could feel every ounce of weight gain coming back.

wanda helped you out of bed, allowing you to lean on her as she guided you into the kitchen. it was a good thing too, because you were more light headed than usual.

"what are you doing here?" wanda smiled and pushed the already prepared plate of food towards you. it'd been a few minutes and you hadn't even touched your fork. "what? couldn't surprise you?" natasha giggled from your left. you already seemed to be in a much better mood with wanda around than you had been this morning. but both women caught onto the fact that you were only shoving the food on your plate, not making any effort at all to actually eat it.

nat tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, "you have to eat, you know the deal we made." her push was soft, but it didn't make things any easier.

you sighed, tightening the grip around your fork. things like this shouldn't be so hard. it was food. food is fuel, food is good, but somewhere in your mind those messages were twisted and crumpled into something that could never be more false.

you leaned into natasha, keeping your face shielded away from the plate. tears sprung into your eyes and you begged for her to not make you eat.

"tasha, just one day, please. i promise i'll eat tomorrow-"

"i wish that were true, i really do, sweetheart." nat rubbed your shoulder before pushing you back, forcing you to look her in the eyes. "i'm going to go grocery shopping and run a few extra errands. wanda will be here to watch you finish your meal and to have a snack or two before i get back. i love you, okay?"

(you knew she did. but holy fuck, why did she have to do this to you.)

"yeah, you too." and with that, natasha grabbed her keys, kissed you on the forehead and left.

you don't know why, but you didn't actually think wanda would listen to natasha. that belief was quickly thrown out when you moved to get up from the table, wanda quick to grab your wrist and stop you from going to far.

"stay. please? just a few bites, i won't tell natasha if you don't..." she pleaded. a feeling of safety grew in your chest. your level of trust with her had always been high, but this time it felt more intimate. wanda was seeing you at your worst, a vulnerable position you'd never let anyone else but tasha see, and yet, wanda decided to stay.

it took over an hour for you to manage half a meal. wanda sat through it all, however, and coaxed you through each bite.

now, two hours later with a snack in hand, you sat quietly on the porch, head resting on wanda's lap with her fingers tied in your hair.

"do you talk to nat?"

"sometimes. actually yeah, most of the time i talk to her. it helps, and she's a great listener." you complimented.

"wanda?"

"hm?"

"why are you doing this?"

wanda looked down at you, seeing your eyes bore into her and bit her lip, "it's hard to see the girl that i loved and the girl that came back. i should've noticed before you went on your mission, but i didn't because i was too wrapped up with my own issues."

"you can't blame yourself, wanda. i didnt want to be seen. you couldn't have done anything different."

she hummed, ears perking up at the sound of natashas car pulling in the driveway.

you jumped up from her lap and ran to help tasha with her groceries, earning a loving glare from the redhead.

oh yeah. no strenuous activity. too many calories that you needed would be burned off. at least that's what you were told anyway.

wanda stayed the rest of the day, even through dinner. (only because you begged natasha to let her stay that long.)

natasha didn't seem to mind that she stayed. the redhead heard more laughs and giggles from you than she'd heard in the past six months.

the worst part about the day ending was the fact that wanda had to leave eventually.

(eventually being now.)

you pouted. you weren't ready for her to go just yet.  she'd taken your mind off of so much today and you weren't sure you could face it again. really, you didn't want to face it again.

"i believe in you." she murmured.

stupid mind reading.

wanda rolled her eyes, "i'm serious, y/n. you've got this. you're amazing."

“you're only saying that because you have to.”

her eyebrows pulled together. "no. i'm saying it because i know it's true. you've got a gift, y/n. what you have– you're going to get it back."

you inhaled.

"next time i see you, i want you to be a little bit more healthy, okay?" wanda gave you a tight hug and left without another word. she just hoped the next time she saw you it wasn't in a casket.

you hoped the next time you saw her, you'd be better.

today wasn't easy, but it gave you a taste of everything you'd been missing.

and you wanted it back.

[roses-and-lightnings]

A struggling ADHDer confession

I was born mentally ill, maybe it was my premature birth that didn't allow my brain to fully develop, or my genetics but

I have ADHD, which is a chronic lack of norepinephrine neurotransmitters, as well as fewer dopamine receptors and considerably smaller brain volume

For that reason, other illnesses were allowed to develop, such as my crippling anxiety

I am primarily hyperactive-impulsive, my executive functions are impaired, my thoughts are always racey, I have lots of issues with processing information and communicating, I sensory overload quite easily and it's embarrasing, I'm loud and can't stop pacing around for the life of me and it's been 10 years I'm a nocturnal. I take 4 different meds, because my strong hyperactiveness and anxiety prevents me from being treated with stimulants. Combining with the meds I take for other health issues, I swallow about 12 pills a day, in which 10 are my daily anxiety and ADHD treatment. This fella right here is my monthly drug baggie:

Sometimes it felt like a superpower, to think super fast and make a thousand associations per second and be much more creative than anyone else ever was. I'm a talented artist, writer, scientist, I have neurodivergent and neurotypical friends that love me, and I don't have anything else I could ask for

And I was used to love being this way, being me, the only way I can be, yes, I am mentally disabled, but I'm happy with who I am, and nothing could ever change that, right?

Actually, when I look at the exams I fail because I can't set numbers apart, or when I forget to write my answer, details I neglect, no matter how hard I try, I mess up for some very stupid, very fucked up reason that is not even my fault. Not only in academics, but in life and relationships. I forget nearly everything, I can't stay still in a reunion and most days my brain just turns off all functions and leave me behaving like a squashed vegetable

This has caused me many kinds of problems, from the smallest as losing an appointment, to failing an entire college semester, to being kicked out of my frat and getting homeless in a foreign city, because people just couldn't live with me

And I just feel like a failure, a mistake, and wish I didn't exist, I wish I could die and be reborn as someone else, someone that won't have to face these stupid issues, or never even be reborn at all, I just want to disappear

Everyone else can do it eventually if they try really hard, why can't I? Oh, yeah, my brain is wired wrong, thanks a lot

And the worse? No do-overs for me. No one will provide me assistance when I fail due to my brain issues, they'll throw me in the trash. No one will understand, no one will give me another chance to try again, I'll just have to deal with it the same way normal neurotypicals do, and if I can't do it, well, it's because I'm just not trying hard enough, like the useless, pathetic trashbag I am. I should just stop being lazy and begin to work harder, and if I can't do it, if I'm a such a terrible, awful, disgusting human being, then I surely deserve to be outed of society, I deserve everything that happens to me for not having a normal, 100% functional brain

After everything that has happened this week, my mind issues just sound more and more like an excuse for being idle and dumb, and that I should just quit trying if I'll clinically never be able to make it. I'll never be able to change, or make anything worth it.

[seonghwa-is-babie]

Soft kitten

Hybrid! Seonghwa x male reader

Warning: mentioned abuse, crying, angst

Note: I think this the fastest I've ever redone a fic😳😳

Hope u enjoy!

"get up, pet" the guard said as seonghwa's cage opened, stepping out with his ears and tail hanging low. not really sure where he had to go, only knowing to obey orders, or he'll get even more beatings than just the daily torture of malnutrition.

Seonghwa lost hope ever since they kidnapped him from his home in the jungles and brought him to this prison like building, he had tried escaping many times, but every one of those failed. and the punishment for them was even worse than a failed attempt at freedom

They stopped in front of a curtain, pushing the boy through it. He fell to the ground, only when he looked up did he realise what his situation was. It was an auction, selling hybrids for a lot of money

"now up next as you can see, this beautiful white tiger hybrid, only 22 years old" prices were being shouted through the room, building up price little by little, until "$100,000,000" a voice said, this shocked everyone, including seonghwa. who'd give out that much just for a hybrid? "sold! You may come and get your hybrid after the auction"

After the auction, they put him back in his cage. He secretly hoped his new 'home' will be better than this one, though, he doubts it'll be anything different from his current life. Footsteps started coming to his cage and stopped in front of him

"get up" said the man who sold him. Seonghwa had trouble with it due to his wounds from the previous beatings "I'm terribly sorry for his lazy attitude sir" he said as the boy got up to face his new owner "it's fine" said the man who bought him. he was handsome, but seonghwa wasn't one to be fooled easily by appearances. he wore a fancy velvet suit and had (h/c) hair that was styled neatly

The older man did the leash on seonghwa's collar and handed it to the other "it's all yours now" the man nodded and left the building, seonghwa's ears still hanging low. He was glad to be out of there, but what will happen after this?

They got to a car that was parked relatively close, the other opened the door for him. Seonghwa didn't ask anything and stepped inside, the other went to the drivers seat and started driving "so what's your name?" he looked up shyly and said "s-s-seonghwa, sir." "that's a pretty name, and you can drop the sir or any formalities, just call me y/n." seonghwa blushed "thank you si- y/n, sorry" y/n shook it off.

🐯

The rest of the ride was quiet, seonghwa being too afraid and shy to start any conversation. "you don't talk much, do you?" y/n asked, seonghwa tensed up afraid he did something wrong

"it's alright, I get it. Your previous home must've been rough and laid down a lot of rules" y/n looked at seonghwa through the mirror of the car "I'm sorry you had to go through that, but don't worry, you won't have to go through that ever again, I'll make sure of it"

was his luck finally turning around? he didn't wanna get his hopes up too high too soon though, after all the man could just be lying to him "actually, I already have 7 hybrids I take care of already, they're like family to me." this made the smaller relieved, yet still nervous and frankly, a bit scared, what if the other hybrids don't like him or beat him like some of the others did back at his now old home.

They arrived at a big mansion, to seonghwa, it was a bit terrifying. When they got out of the car, y/n gestured seonghwa to come closer, the other obeyed but got extremely nervous when he felt hands around his neck, he flinched, pulling away "oh, I'm sorry, I was just gonna take your collar off since it looks a bit uncomfortable" seonghwa calmed down a bit, enough to let y/n finish taking his collar off. The older then gestured to take his hand, which the other took

Y/n opened the door, hoping the boys didn't mess up the house too bad, only to be met with no damage whatsoever "huh, that's new. Nothing's broken or damaged" seonghwa looked at him confused, but decided against asking, since he was still a bit on edge

He heard multiple pairs of feet come their way and hid behind y/n "hyung! You're home!" multiple voices said, they must be his other hybrids. All of them ran up to him to give him a hug, and that's when they noticed Seonghwa "hyung, who's that?" San, a cat hybrid who was currently in the older's arms, pointed behind y/n, eager to know the strangers name

"right, boys could you all please calm down a bit, I have some important news" that made the boys perk up "I've decided to bring another friend home, this is seonghwa, I hope you'll be kind to him like you are to each other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to show seonghwa his room, you can ask him questions after that"

🐯

It's been about a month since seonghwa was introduced to the house, and he felt like he was in heaven, many friends, a loving owner that helped him get over past traumas, who he might be starting to like a little more than just his owner, and the freedom to finally chose for himself.

but not everything was all sunshine and rainbows. After a few weeks he started to question why he was even brought into this house, why y/n wanted him so badly that he spent $100,000,000 on him alone. how could seonghwa ever even try to pay him back, at this point he just feels like a burden to the man

🐯

One evening after dinner, seonghwa headed to his room early , claiming he was tired. When he got to his room, he started thinking 'why would he take me in, it seems like he has enough hybrids already, so why bring home another mouth to feed. He should have just left me there, where I won't be a burden to him' thinking more and more of these thoughts, he started to silently cry into his sheets

🐯

"boys, I'm gonna check up on seonghwa ok, I'll be back in a minute" the youngsters gave him quick 'ok' and went back to the show that was playing. As y/n was walking towards his room, he couldn't help but feel worried about the tiger hybrid, something seemed a bit odd when he went to his room so early.

He opened the door to seonghwa's room, only to find the latter seemingly sound asleep. y/n smiled at him and went to close the door, until he heard a quiet sniff coming from seonghwa's direction "seonghwa?" he didn't answer "seonghwa?" again, he didn't answer, but the older went in because he knew that he wasn't just hearing things.

He crouched down on the younger's bedside, but he had already covered his face with his blanket "seonghwa, could you please lower the sheets, I want to see your face for a second" y/n spoke in a gentle tone. The younger shook his head "please seonghwa, I want to make sure you're alright, and I can't do that without looking at your face

Seonghwa hesitated, but slowly lowered the sheets, revealing his red eyes and tear stained cheeks, the older immediately became worried, but tried to keep his calm "kitten, what's wrong? Did someone hurt you? Is it-"

"why did you get me?" y/n was shocked at that "you already have so many, so why bring in another mouth to feed. You could have easily left me to get bought by someone else. So why?! Why did you buy a stupid tiger that's nothing more than a burden to you?!?!"

he couldn't believe what he was hearing, to him, seonghwa, though having only been here for a short time, has become one of the most important people in his life. He couldn't let seonghwa think about himself like that

"seonghwa, i got you because from the first time I saw you, I knew you needed someone, someone that loves you and respects you, and I thought, I could be that person. It doesn't matter to me how many hybrids there are in my house, I will take care of all of you no matter what. And trust me, you're not a burden, you already help so much around the house, and the others already love you to death, I love you to death. Please, don't think that about yourself, I know you've been through a lot of stuff, but right here, right now, I'll promise to keep you save until I draw my last breath, you're save with us, with me"

Seonghwa cried, but these tears were those of happiness. He engulfed y/n in a hug, wrapping his arms around the olders neck while putting his head in his his chest "th-th-an-k you, thank you so much!" y/n stroked the younger's back, carefully lifting himself on the bed "it's alright dear, you're safe with me, no one's gonna hurt you"

🐯

After a while of comforting y/n realised he hasn't told the boys to go to bed yet "sweetheart, I have to go see the boys for a little and make sure they go to bed, is that alright with you?" seonghwa didn't let him go "can't you stay here?" he chuckled at the younger clinging onto him as if his life depended on it

"I'll only be gone for a few minutes, then I'll come straight back to you" the younger continued his whining "nooooo, I wanna stay with you" y/n lifted him up so he was wrapped around his chest, clinging on him like a koala "then you're coming with me"

"boys, it's time for bed" y/n said as he came downstairs, the others looked at him with a questioning look "what?" he asked, the others gave knowing looks to each other "hyung?" San asked "yeah, what is it?" the next words, y/n definitely didn't expect to hear "do you like seonghwa hyung?"

🐯

The question had stuck with him since the others went to bed 'maybe I do like him, he brings a smile to my face just by existing, he's a true sweetheart, not to mention he's the most beautiful person i've ever laid my eyes on' " umm, y/n?" the older turned his head to seonghwa "I ummm, might have heard what you and San talked about" y/n sighed, sitting up from the bed, already knowing where this was going "I understand it if you felt uncomfortable about that, but he wasn't wrong actually, I've found myself quite fond of you actually, but I completely understand if these feelings aren't the same for you."

the two stood there in complete silence "I guess I should go I probably made this extrem-" "no wait!" y/n looked back at seonghwa who's face was completely red "umm, I umm, I also like you, the feelings' mutual" he almost stuttered out completely. The older smiled softly at him, crawling back into bed with him, petting his ears "You're so soft, kitten."

[lindsayrises]

Oh.

My.

God.

I have never felt more seen.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in December 2019.

I've been on medication for it since then.

Yesterday, after a week of being ridiculously unproductive at work, I was desperate for any tips or strategies to get more done.

I found a podcast on ADHD. I listened to 2 episodes while driving/running errands.

Oh.

My.

Fucking.

God.

I was nearly in tears.

EVERYTHING that was said is me.

I have FOREVER been cruel to myself, telling myself (and believing) I do (or don't do) things because:

*I'm lazy.

I'm stupid.

I'm unmotivated.

I'm not dedicated enough.

I must not care enough.

I lack will power.

*I never follow through with things/am unable to follow through with things. (I am particularly sensitive about this one. Something was said to me about this literally YEARS ago and I still get an uncomfortable feeling thinking about it and get emotional talking about it. I can think of 2 other instances where comments have been made to me about this - one recently, one years ago. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO insecure about this.)

(*these 2 are frequent topics in therapy.)

Seriously. Then when I struggle to get things things done, I beat myself up and feel like a huge failure. Rinse and repeat.

I always just thought, "I guess the medication must be working...maybe???". I never considered that there could be a change/improvement BECAUSE I THOUGHT "THIS IS JUST WHO I AM...I'll be like this forever. Past behavior habits prove it. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless to even work on. I'll never change."

I cannot tell how many things I've tried to do better...to be better. I have shelves of books I've bought - thinking, "maybe this one will help!". I can think of exactly 3 books that I've actually finished. Yes. Three. Planners and calendars? I buy a new one at least every 6 months. I use it for a few days and then stop.

It had gotten to the point where I thought, "Why bother even trying? Nothing sticks. Nothing works. And then I feel shitty for failing yet again."

I can't count how many times in the past 3 months I've thought, "Why do I even keep trying? I must not want to change badly enough. There is just something wrong with me. I'm done trying. This is me. This is my life. Deal with it."

So, I'm not (insert all of those negative things and more that I didn't list)??? It's just my fucking brain?

I actually feel hopeful...that maybe things don't have to be like this.

I would like to note that, no, I do not use podcasts and internet things as medical advice.

But wow. It all makes sense now...

Impulsivity (food and shopping)

Forgetfulness

Hyperfocusing

Easily distracted

Difficulty getting started

Feeling paralyzed because I'm overwhelmed

Rejection sensitivity

Noise sensitivity

Difficulty with grocery shopping, meal planning, meal prep, basically any part of the cooking proxy.

HAVING AMAZING PLANS THAT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BUT ABANDON SHORTLY AFTER STARTING (I'm looking at you, millions of "get healthy" plans and attempts). *****I cannot emphasize this one enough.

I have frequently thought, "I have so much I need to work on and improve about myself. Where do I even start?" and beat myself up about this, too.

I will sit in my classroom...terrified that someone will come in at any minute and see that I'm not working on something... haven't been working on anything...am close to tears because I'm so angry, frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed because of this.

It.

All.

Makes.

Sense.

Yes, I will talk to my doctor.

But wow. How did I not realize that all of these things are connected??? Would/Could my anxiety and depression get (a little) better if ADHD was less of an issue?

This whole time I've been thinking that these things that I struggle with are because there is something seriously wrong with me...that these things make me a bad person and leave me constantly hustling for worthiness. But there's an explanation for ALL OF IT? And things don't have to stay this way - things don't have to be and won't always be so hard and miserable?!?!?!

Thank God.

Edit: I have to laugh. I've been up since 3:00 am. It is 6:00 and I'm just getting ready to go to work. What have I been doing the last 3 hours? Writing this. Reading about ADHD. Coming back to this and adding something new I just thought about/made a connection to, going to do something, coming back and adding something else to this, start and stop at least 5 different songs or podcasts on Spotify, and repeat. Oh, and mindless scrolling/checking of FB/IG/Tumblr. And looking at the clock - if it's 4:41 saying, "ok I'll get off my phone/stop doing what I'm doing at 4:45.". Loses track of time. Checks time. "Oh, now it's 4:47. I might as well just wait until 5:00.". This is me all the fucking time. I know it's illogical, but this is my life.