#and i feel bad for missing all the Good Carat Content out there

[cinnamingyu]

bloop

[billiedeanhwrd]

mind is just as frail as it's frame, you know i'd leave it alone

billie dean howard x reader

summary: you're fighting a losing game with your disorder, let's hope it's not too late when your ex-girlfriend shows up in your apartment.

warnings: eating disorders (bulimia), depression, sad ending

word count: 1730

a/n: this is basically a vent i dumped into my notes app in one sitting after not being inspired to write for way too long, so, pls don't judge too harshly and pls DONT READ THIS IF IT COULD TRIGGER YOU

gif credits to @mildredratchds

You had fallen into the dark, deep blue again. Time and time again you fell and you fought your way out, you fell and you picked yourself up again. Not this time though, you were drowning and there was nothing you could do to get back to air. You were trapped in this pool of misery as if it was locked on the surface, and there was no way you were getting out of it by yourself.

The last time it got this bad you had Billie, sweet, sweet Billie, who would've sacrificed her life to help you in any shape or form, but she was gone. Her departure left a cavity in your heart, yet you couldn't be mad at her. She had tried. But you locked her out when you needed her the most. There really was no one else to blame for the decaying of your heart, but you.

Nothing particularly bad happened that would've caused you to spiral this extremely, it was simply the fact that everything was bad, everything is bad, and everything would always be bad. In reality, your problems weren't getting worse, but the continuous strain of having to deal with the same troubles every single day was eating away at your resistance. You could feel the energy and willpower to keep going creeping out of your body, leaving you with the empty shell of who you used to be.

You hadn't talked to Billie in months, after repeated tries to break down your walls and being pushed away every single time, she gave up. You did it, you pushed away the one person who truly cared for you. Your mind was clouded by self-hatred and anguish, it was as if your eyes were shielded by a grey layer, making it impossible for the world to look anything but cold and loveless.

There was not a single thing that could spark up the joyous flame inside you. Nothing was even remotely good anymore. Nothing.

You were here, but at the same time, you weren't. As if you had taken a step back from reality. The feeling of not being real blurring the lines between good and bad. At certain moments the light inside you would flicker, pulling you back and guiding you to the right thing. But it was only a flicker. It was weak and it was temporary. The disordered desire to completely destroy yourself was starting to consume you.

Everything was blurry, the line between good and bad, the one between acceptable and inappropriate and most dangerously the one between you and your illness.

Were these your authentic thoughts or were they caused by a disorder?, was a question you often asked yourself, but never actually answered.

You had long reached past the point of not caring, now you wanted it, actively wanted absolute destruction. You resumed all your old unhealthy coping mechanisms and made no effort to stop your current ones.

Who would really care if you died? no one, at least that's what you made yourself believe.

Total isolation from friends and family was necessary so you could spend all your time focusing on your eating disorder.

Instead of spending your nights in the arms of the woman you loved, you spent them hunched over the toilet, hurling your guts out.

You felt weak and disgusting at all times, nothing about what you were doing was anywhere near glamorous. Well... except if anyone finds choking on your own vomit or all kinds of gross digestive issues glamorous.

You couldn't recognize the girl starring back at you in the mirror, who the hell even was this red-eyed girl? Her puffy cheeks stood out to you immediately. Snot, vomit, and bile were running down her face, probably picking at her skin. And her eyes... well, except for tears and popped blood vessels there was nothing in them. Not a single glimpse of happiness or remains of a person.

It was a heartbreaking sight that left you cold.

Dizzily you walked to your bed, too tired to do anything. The tiny remains of energy you had left you with the content of your stomach.

It was 5 in the evening and you were laying in bed, staring at the spinning ceiling, until your eyes fell shut.

Your friends had contacted Billie, she was the only one who used to be able to help you at least a little bit. She was there for you, always, and she never judged. She stood by you in your darkest times, supportively holding your hand and not letting go even when the going got tough. You were constantly terrified of dragging her down with you, the last thing you wanted was to rob the world of her angelic presence.

She would hold you close when you were down, which was admittedly most days. She would clean your apartment and do your laundry, things you didn't feel like you could do in the state you were in.

She loved you and you loved her.

Of course, you returned the favors, you were there for her as well, but you knew it was different. It was a bigger challenge being with someone so deeply intertwined with their illness, but she still did it.

She was your everything, and you had lost her.

Not only was she your light in this pitch-black hole others called life, but she was also your soulmate. The one you laughed with most. The one who got you, everything about you. You shared a myriad of beautiful moments that outshined any bad time for her. She wanted to marry you one day, of course, you didn't know that until you kicked her out of your apartment and discovered a red, velvet box weeks later when you finally cleaned out her drawer.

You were moody, irritable, impulsive, and horribly depressed. It seemed as if your actions didn't have consequences, life was a game of numbers. Calories in. Calories out. Nothing else mattered.

You felt no remorse when things ended with Billie. The realization only really hit you when you found the 18 carat Tiffany diamond.

For a second your eyes opened wide and your lips curled into a smile, despite having ruined the surprise proposal. Then, boom, it hit you and your heart crumbled. There was no surprise to ruin, anymore. You two were done. She didn't need you, she had moved on, appearing with a new side-piece on the covers of tabloids weekly.

Why would you even care though? You ended things. you could hear a painful laugh erupting from you, you didn't need her, you didn't need anyone, not when you had your innermost nervosa.

Eyes wide and dead, smile big and stiff, you looked horrifying. But what did it matter? Sanity was a hoax anyways.

When your friends called Billie she dropped everything for you, like she always had and always would. The second she heard how you were behaving, her heart rate went sky high. It was happening again, and this time, she wasn't there to throw you a lifejacket, this time, you were drowning on your own.

It was 6 in the evening, and you were laying in your bed, facing the now still-standing ceiling.

Billie chuckled to herself as she used the spare key you hid in your not-so-secret-secret hiding spot to open your front door. The apartment was just how you had left it.

After you had practically inhaled the kitchen until you were painfully full and then, of course, ritualistically aggressively forced your hand down your throat to un-do what just happened. That's what appealed to you about bulimia. The control. Life didn't have an undo button, so you had to create one for yourself. You cheated in the dirtiest games of them all and your pride overthrew every bit of rationality that was left. Not once did the thought "I shouldn't be doing this" enter your mind, this was after all normal to you, blurry, but normal.

It doesn't work that way though, you can't undo anything or cheat your way through life just because you're unable to give up control. And a part of you knew that, a part of you wanted to listen to what your therapist had told you. She was right, you could drop dead at any second, the chances of having a sudden heart attack rising after every heave.

The smell of vomit invaded the medium's nose when the door creaked open, and her heart sunk. She wanted so badly to help you through this, stand by you, and overcome this with you, but you wouldn't let her. You made it impossible for her to be apart of your life. She had no energy to keep up the fight and so she left, like you wanted her to, like you said you wanted her to.

She called out your name. no response. you must be asleep somewhere, she thought. Your ex-girlfriend made her way through the food packages and dirty dishes on the floor to the bathroom, it wouldn't be the first time she'd find you passed out on the cold ceramic tiles. She flushed the toilet and wiped down the blood and vomit-covered toilet seat before stopping in the doorway to collect herself. Fiddling with her pearl necklace before taking a deep breath, she left the bathroom.

It was 6:10 in the evening when Billie switched off the light in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen, her red pumps echoing through your deadly silent apartment. She stopped in her tracks and seriously considered cleaning for a second, like she used to do for you when you were dating.

She missed you, a lot. She missed seeing the relief on your face when you entered your freshly cleaned kitchen after beating yourself up for nights for not being able to just. Do. IT. She missed the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at her, she missed your bear-hugs and cuddles, she missed everything about you. Billie shook her head, cleaning could wait, she needed to talk to you.

It was 10 past 6 in the evening and you were laying in your bed, which was how Billie found you a few seconds later.

Because everything was just how you had left it. Dirty dishes on the floor. Lights on. Vomit in the toilet. A lifeless body facing the ceiling.

[soundofseventeen]

Worldwide (Joshua Hong)

Hello! This is one that was requested by our lovely haley!! Mild throwback to our rusher days!! Have a lovely day everyone!! 💛💚

You sat on your couch, knees pulled up to your chest, staring at the package. You shouldn’t have this. You knew you should just put it back and then forget about it until Joshua got back again. But, your eyes kept staring at it, expecting it to burst into flames or open itself or do something. 

Things with Joshua lately had been… rough. You knew you loved him, and you knew he loved you, but it had been a rough patch for you two. You both knew this relationship wouldn’t be easy. When was dating an idol an easy thing to do? You got to watch him flirt with fans and say sweet things to them, but you always reminded yourself that at the end of the day, he was looking at you. He came back to you. 

But you also knew that he was tired, trying to juggle a growing career and a getting serious relationship. You knew the guilt he felt at not always being able to be there for you, no matter how much you reassured him that you understood he couldn’t always physically be there. 

While you understood, you still couldn’t help the hurt that you felt. You always saw your friends out with their partners, giggling and swinging their hands, smiles on both of their faces. You couldn’t really do that either, even when Joshua was around. He kept the skinship to an extreme minimum when you two were out, not wanting to expose anything about you two. 

You really loved Joshua, and he really loved you, but you knew you were both tired. You had this rock in the pit of your stomach, wrapped in fear that the end may be soon. 

He had just gotten back from tour, one that had been really long for both of you. You two had a weird air, Joshua giving you a tight hug before leaving and promising to be back soon. Once he got home, he basically dropped off his stuff, and then immediately had to go back to Pledis for some work emergency. He gave you a quick kiss, saying he needed to talk to you when he got back. 

You made it through most of the tour okay, but Joshua saying he needed to talk to you now? Terrified you. Considering he barely contacted you during the tour? You kept telling yourself he was busy, he had a lot to focus on while on tour. But now you were wondering if that was intentional? Did Joshua not need you? Was this tour a test to see if your relationship was something worth fighting for? Did he determine that he had to make your worst fear come true? 

So you distracted yourself until he came home. You cleaned your kitchen. You vacuumed. You read a couple webtoons online. You then decided to start unpacking his stuff, something you debated for a while. Because if he was going to break up with you, he would want to take his stuff with him, right? But why would he bring his stuff here if he was planning that? 

You had just started unpacking when you found the package. It was a simple brown package, with twine holding it together. As you picked it up, you saw your initials on the tag, causing you to furrow your eyebrows at it. 

And now you were in your living room. Staring at the package. Wondering what it was. 

If Joshua wanted to give it to you, he probably wanted to be here to give it to you. But man, your curiosity was killing you. Was it a good thing? Or was it a goodbye thing?

You jumped as your phone rang, seeing Joshua was calling you. 

“Hey.” You answered, hearing Joshua sigh. 

“Listen, I’m so sorry. I might be a little later than I planned…” 

“Really?” You asked, pouting. 

“I’m so sorry. Please go to sleep, we can talk in the morning, okay? Just get some good rest.” 

“Joshua…”

“Hey, I am coming home tonight. I promise.” He said, you letting out a sigh. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You muttered, Joshua sighing himself again. 

“Get some rest.” You both hung up the phone, your eyes going back to the package. You shook your head, reasoning that you would have to wait until the morning to find out. You got up, changed into pajamas and got ready for bed. You sat in bed for about 10 minutes, before you got back up, walking towards the living room. You sat on the couch, pulling the package onto your lap. You took a deep breath, opening the side of the package and pulling the contents out. 

It was… letters. A bunch of letters. A small stack of letters. Each one with your name on it. There was nothing else on any of the envelopes, just your name. 

You made a quick decision, making yourself some tea and grabbing a blanket, settling into the couch, picking up the top letter, slowly opening the envelope. 

*

Dear Y/N, 

Hey uh. How’s it going? How was your day? I’m not really sure why I’m doing this. I could just call you right now, but I thought I would try this? I don’t know, this is probably silly. But I guess it’s romantic, huh? Anyway, we just took off this morning. I always hate the look on your face when we have to leave for tour, but today it seemed so much worse. I guess that’s part of the reason I’m doing this. I really hope you have so much fun until we get back. So much fun that you have more stories to tell than I do. 

God, this was a dumb idea. xJoshua

*

Hey Y/N, 

It’s been a few days since we left now, and I just found the first letter in my bag. I still feel silly doing this, but oh well. Maybe you’ll think it’s cute or something. I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last few days. We found this dog while going to get coffee yesterday morning and I took a picture with him to show you later. I almost sent it to you, but then I remembered the time difference and didn’t want to chance waking you up. I did get the picture of you at our favorite restaurant. It made me smile from ear to ear that you ordered my favorite dish there instead of yours although your friend ratted you out and told me you also ordered your favorite to take home haha. At least you’re eating well while I’m gone! We have our first concert tonight, don’t worry, I’ll take your necklace on stage with me. It is my lucky charm, after all. 

This is still dumb. xJoshua. I’m not writing another one.

*

Y/N my own true love who I love more than Jeonghan Hello Y/N, 

So Jeonghan found my other letters. He is now making me write more of these because HE thought it was adorable. Also, excuse the crossed out part. I only have so much paper and I refuse to let Jeonghan win like this. We’re in another new town this morning, some of the guys want to go to a carnival later. I’m still debating on going or not. We don’t have the concert until tomorrow night, but traveling is tiring and I kind of want to sit by the pool for a while (yes, I’m at a pool, are you jealous? ;) ) I know if you were here, you would tell me to go with them. Just to get your voice out of my head for a bit I might go. Remember when we went to that fair? You were so cute trying to win me that stuffed tiger. I kept telling you that I was supposed to win you something since I took you on the date, but you just stuck your tongue out at me and told me to shut up. I’m pretty sure that was the day I knew I loved you. 

Ugh, I can’t show you these ever. xJoshua

PS. I went to the fair. I won you a tiger. Suck it. <3 (It’s pink) 

*

Dear Y/N, 

I’m sorry I called so late last night. I guess my timezone math was still a little off. I just needed to hear the sound of your voice for a bit. At least I got to kind of tuck you in, right? Even if it was on the phone. I’m starting to get into a habit of doing this. I still feel silly, but it’s getting easier, I think? Hosh hasn’t come back from DK and Jeonghan’s room yet, so I’m just in our room by myself right now. The moon is huge tonight. You would probably spend an hour trying to get a picture of it. I just tried, it’s not great but it’s a decent picture? No it’s bad never mind I even cracked the window open in your honor. It’s so weird. Remember how I always complained about you wanting to have the window open at night? I never understood how you slept with the cold air and the traffic noise, but it’s actually helping now. It’s not great since you’re not here to cuddle with, but it makes me think of you. Hosh usually shuts the window at some point in the night though. I promise when I come back, I’ll let you keep the window open every night if you want. 

Of course, I’m never actually showing you this, so we shall see. xJoshua

*

Hey Y/N, 

You are not going to believe this! You remember that old hand lotion you used to have? The one that smelled like honey? The one that when you ran out and we went to the store to get more and they told you it was seasonal and you cried? I FOUND IT. We were in a shop and I smelled it, so I asked the girl working about it and she showed it to me. It was a different little tube than the one you had, but I swear it’s the exact same scent. I can already picture how excited you’ll be when I give it to you. I’m half tempted to just mail that to you, but I also want to keep it with me until I get back. Then I can see your face when you smell it. I miss you a lot. More than you think. 

Only a couple more weeks. Then I’ll be home. xJoshua 

*

Y/N, 

A carat asked about you today. I was not prepared at all for that. I mean, yeah, they know about you and everything, but I was not prepared to be asked about you. They didn’t ask anything bad, just that they wanted to know how you were and if I missed you while on tour. Kind of a weird question to ask at a fanmeet but whatever I guess? I told them you were doing well and that I was looking forward to being able to see you in 2 weeks. I at least hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry we keep missing each other this week. Between my schedule and yours… We just can’t line up at all, huh? God, this almost feels worse now that I’m almost home, you know? Like, we’re so, so close but still so far away. I can’t believe I didn’t notice how distanced we’ve been. I don’t know how. You were always there for me when I needed you and now that I can’t come see you after a long day… I don’t know. You know I’m yours, right? No matter where I go or who I meet even the fans you constantly point out as pretty, which I don’t know why you keep doing that to yourself because I still stop breathing when I see you or what happens, you’re my one and only. If anything this tour just made me realize that whether it’s Paris or London or Tokyo all places I want to take you, by the way, I’m going to think about you worldwide. 

I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to catch you and never let go. xJoshua

P.S. That carat earlier also told me about this candy store and I may have bought you different flavors of that one candy bar you like. I hope they taste good. 

*

Y/N! 

I’m home now well, at Pledis but I felt like these needed a conclusion. Not sure why, because I’m still not sure you’re ever going to get them. But it felt weird to just… end? So I gotta write this I guess. I managed to get the next few days off because some guys are going home for family and such, and I intend to annoy the living hell out of you. I gotta make up for lost time, right? Hopefully we can pick up right where we left off. I plan to get those spicy noodles you love on the way home. That will be a good start to our days together. I can’t wait to remind you just how much I love you. I’ll even listen to you read those gross cheesy books you like to read I don’t know if you know this but you make the cutest face when you find something cute you read and it makes my heart just U W U We’re getting called into a meeting now, but I’ll be home in a few hours. I love you. 

Maybe these letters weren’t a terrible idea. You still might not get them. xJoshua

*

Joshua smiled to himself, picking up the envelopes with folded paper inside. He glanced at you, sound asleep on the couch, the last letter barely hanging from your hand. He looked over your face, examining softly. You looked tired. He wished you had just gone to bed, but he also knew that he probably gave you reason to be afraid of him wanting to have a discussion with you. 

He carefully took the letter out of your hand, chuckling a bit as you kept a hold on it. He got it eventually, shaking his head and he put it back in its envelope and tossing it on the table with the others. Joshua then stood up, stretching his arms over his head a bit before reaching down to pick you up. He was going to let you keep sleeping, but he might as well move you to your bed so you wouldn’t hurt in the morning. 

As he was part way down the hall, he heard you start to mumble. He stopped walking, looking at you with your eyes still closed. 

“..Shua?” You mumbled, Joshua chuckling again. 

“I’m here.” He whispered, not sure if you had actually woken up or if you were talking in your sleep. 

“Is it morning?” You mumbled, Joshua smiling at you. 

“Not quite, but almost.” He said, finally getting to your room. He carefully opened the door, leaving it open as he walked in. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, eyes starting to blink open a bit. 

“I’m done with work for the day.” He said, pulling back the covers and laying you down, pulling the covers back and tucking you in. He sighed, thinking about how he had waited to do that for so long. 

“Mhm.” You said, your eyes falling again. Joshua just smirked, brushing some of the hair from your face before getting up to get ready for bed himself. Once he was ready, he walked to the other side of the bed, crawling in himself and letting himself relax. He felt you poke his arm, causing him to turn his head. You were looking at him, eyebrows slightly together. 

“How was the tour?” You asked, Joshua just smiling at you. 

“It was great, but we can talk about it in the morning, okay?” He said, turning to face you. “Get some sleep.” 

“What time do you go in tomorrow?” You mumbled. 

“Didn’t you read the last letter?” He asked, you shrugging. 

“I fell asleep at the start of it.” You said, snuggling a bit into your pillow. 

“I have off the next couple days.” He grinned as your eyes widened, head picking up a bit. “Yeah, you’re stuck with me now.” He laughed, you letting your head rest again. 

“Oh my.” You said, a slight smile on your face. You snuggled into Joshua a bit, which he happily accepted. “So, did you miss me?” Joshua placed a kiss on your head, holding onto you. 

“You know I thought about you worldwide.”

[lesbiancarat]

Book anon!! Seeing the boys be back feels so wild in a good way like suddenly we have so much happening from pics, video performances, future jun solo stuff again and hoshi solo!?! To speculate, the spider logo gives me Spiderman vibes so is this hoshi saying he is Peter Parker lol? Like I know I said I missed the boys but my gosh they don't have to dump EVERYTHING on us lol

To slightly still talk about the mingyu situation (which I hope its alright!) I found something annoying during all of this that you echoed and some anon's said and it was how QUICK some fans were dismiss OP1 with her experience and feelings, making it seem like mingyu is the one that had it worst. Now by all means, it is upsetting to know that yes this will follow mingyu and the rest of the boys till the end of time. Sadly we cannot change that, all we can do is correct people on the situation so I do kinda feel bad BUT to say mingyu is "completely innocent and not at fault" makes me confused because ??? He isn't, not fully. Do people forget that he ADMITS to saying jokes. Yes not towards OP but he still said such jokes and to me, that doesn't mean he is innocent. He admits his faults and takes accountability to that, I give kudos for ya know? Like yes he is my bias but my gosh I am not going to claim he didn't do wrong when well...he did. It frustrates me that fans suddenly forget that the main cause of chaos (at least internationally for fans) was of that horrible mistranslations. I'm sure kfans were also upset but seeing icarats demand pledis to S word OP1 when that isn't the right mindset. I had some hope fans would be smart, especially after the news we found out about mistranslations and all but looks like this fandom isn't safe from bad apples =/ this makes me confused like how do people just idk, not have their morals i guess, when it comes to their faves?

For me, where i stand with mingyu is im disappointed that mingyu said jokes but I'm willing to give him a chance so to speak, like I'm a bit more ok with say reblogging content a out him. For anons that I saw who said they need time, that is valid! It is ok to take a step back from the member, group or fandom! This fandom space should make you happy and comfy and with what has happened, things are rocky and your feelings are valid! Never doubt yourself for overthinking or saying you're a bad fan bc you are not. If you do decide to leave the fandom, I hope despite the dark cloud with what happened, you can remember the warm sunshine (aka happy moments) from the fandom and boys. Its ok to no longer be a fan, things change and we change as people. It is also ok to not be apart of the fandom while being a fan (how im sort of in with bts). It may seem like you're the only one feeling like this but you are not! Do what makes you comfy to my fellow carats! If you are ready to comeback, I am here with cookies. And if not, I am also here with cookies!

*clears throat* to move on a bit, for the hybe naming, ahh that makes more sense! Thanks for clearing that up, I guess I miss read the article I read. I saw you mentioned pledis might be moving and oof, that kinda hurts. I sort of thought they wouldn't due to it just being an investment but should have seen it coming. I will miss that green room

right? it kind of feels like they went from 0 to 100 with the content dhfkfj

and yeah i agree, it's frustrating that it seems like a lot of people can't see or understand the nuance of the situation. i think maybe some people are trying to overcompensate for the mistranslations which had such serious accusations, and i think others are just uncomfortable with the idea that celebrities can make mistakes and be forgiven (as in, they think the only way celebs can be "forgiven" is if they were completely innocent in the first place. otherwise they must be cancelled and since they don't want to cancel mg he must be 100% innocent!). but i don't think either of those, or any reason really, justifies the lack of compassion for any of the OPs. it's possible to have conflicts where no party is a villain, actually

i do think the correct response for carats as a whole is to start moving on. the conflict between OP1 and mingyu has been resolved between the two of them, and the other claims were proven false. if OP1 is satisfied, there's no need for carats or non carats to call for mg to be punished further. but on the other side of that, which as you mentioned is more of a problem currently, there's no reason to punish (ie sue) any of the OPs. as i said in my other post, the OPs are still victims even if mg wasn't the perpetrator of the other claims. if even an institution whose primary purpose is to make money (ie pledis) can look at the situation and be like 'hey, it wouldn't be right to try to prosecute these people so we're not going to' then i think that's a sign that to sue these people would be unjust

but also to clarify when I say carats as a whole should move on i mean there's no collective action we can or should take that would be helpful. i don't mean that every individual should force themselves to move on before they're ready. as I've said before and as you've said, i think any carat that needs more time to process and isn't ready to go back to doing normal fan stuff, or those who won't ever be and decide to leave the fandom are totally valid! i second everything you said in that regard, everyone should do what makes them most comfortable ^^

also you say it makes more sense but you may have been right in the first place OTL. i mean what i said before about there being 3 different entities is true. before there was Bighit co. ltd, Bighit labels, and bighit entertainment. We know Bighit co. ltd is being renamed to HYBE and we know that bighit entertainment is Not being renamed, but it's the Bighit labels that's where the confusion lies. i /thought/ bh labels wasn't being renamed but i watched their rebranding presentation since i answered your last ask and it sounds like it is being renamed to HYBE labels. they haven't changed the youtube channel name yet though which is kind of what I'm waiting for so i guess we'll see?

yeah people have been talking for ages about how all the artists are gonna be in the new building and i was always kind of skeptical. i thought it was more likely that pledis would just have a few offices in the bh building rather than relocating their Entire Company lmao but it looks like that's what's happening. it is a nice facility, but yeah it's a bit bittersweet to say goodbye to both of the pledis buildings since so many things happened there 😭

[woozi]

i agree how you described twt, sometimes everyone's just ready to fight it seems, i've genuinely had fun on both platforms at different times but now it's just too much on stan twt (no space for difference of opinion djsjdjj) it's good to know you're having fun as well :3 & omg i've seen few of my moots starting to give svt their attention after fallin flower dropped, everything abt it is <3333 the song, mv, choreo i love it.

hdjdjddkdjdj " virgos 😐 " also me in next breath "happy birthday mark :D i love you so much 🥺💕💗" any virgos reading this i really hope you enjoy your month to the fullest djjdjd <3. righttt?? you're correct abt mark's temper being very virgo djdjdkd.

your line screams hard-working people <3 jihoon, jaebeom, jeonghan the 3Js <3. isn't jaebeom also an infj? (i don't take mbtis seriously but at the same time it also makes me happy if it ends up matching someone i like djdjjd) chan & yugs 🥺 these two imo have the sweetest personality, like the one which makes you feel welcomed & they also have the cutest laugh 🥺.

i love jus2 <3 focus on me is one of my favorite kpop mvs of all time & also drunk on you??? i love this song so much, very sexy of them. the vibes, style and everything w/ their album, i want more songs like that. and for when i am feeling melancholy i need more songs like jjp's verse 2 😭💔 but i am also okay if they don't want to go back to these units bcoz everything so far they've been giving is just as great <33 ( maybe in future we'll get blessed w/ features 🥺)

honestly g7 as grp and individually have won me over with their music style, even if i don't like full album ik there will be 3-4 songs which will be exactly what i like to listen to, all of the music they've released individually i've liked it so much. there is this song of youngjae's, titled "i'm all ears" i had no idea of its existence until it popped up in my spotify i'm so glad it did, it's been in my playlist ever since. there was also a time when i was obsessed with jackson's 'on the rocks' djdjdk.

aww <3 the live performance video of 1° has mark as thumbnail so for long time i used to associate this song with him jdjddk. i think the only j*pe thing i'd miss is got7 studio live sessions 🥺. RIGHTJDKSKS aju nice's mv is very cute djjddk I love it, in reality its reverse tho, i see them and boom! 💖💛💗🤍💕💙

it was the year they won first bb*as award so that gave them the exposure, and no i don't follow them anymore. mixed feelings abt them, very negative feelings abt f*ndom fjdjdjd. i do miss what it used to feel like liking them sometimes. at that time i never thought i'll willingly drop them from my interest (i've stanned zayn since 2012 first him as grp member then solo. sometimes thinking abt it gives me a whiplash hddjks it's been 9 years, really thought it would be same with them too but it didn't happen)

i've had falling in love by yugs and in to you by jaebs on loop for days djdkdk i really love these two songs and also air by bammie <3 (i'm slow jams kinda person djdjdk :3)

(bam released the most fun album & title this year idc abt others, ribbon is one of the soty) also special mention of look so fine & running through the rain. yes! you do make sense they feel organic & very them.

exactly 😭 it's more believable when they drop stuff out of nowhere like encore 😭😭. the way youngjae posted his letter on twt too ddjjdkssk the announcement & release of encore is such a 'you just had to be there' situation the excitement, nervousness, confusion and everything 😭 sometimes i can't with them. also is the bibi with mark on ost, the same one you mentioned in last ask? the ost is really good <3, it must've been fun to see it happen (if its same bibi).

making a whole ass playlist just for me???? 😭😭😭🥺💗 yza you're so sweet nooooo 💖

and don't worry abt replying late jdjdkdjd i mean it, sometimes my friends text me after weeks and i'm am the same. it's really okay <3. i hope this week is treating you kindly, take care yza - 🪂

p.s ( just saw last post djjej) - it was me who manifested more bunny dino <3 manifesting even more <33

i was on stan twt during my younger years too and it was v fun and memorable to me ngl <3 idk what happened though.. it's evolved to be.. Something Else.. i still see a lot of good people there though 😭 and now that i'm in my Hag Era... idk it's just too fast for me now 😭 it's still my go-to place for updates though nothing can top twitter on that dept

and ms fallin flower.... i feel like everyone was blown away by it (based off of what i see carats when talk about it) and rightly so!! she SERVED. the looks too oh my god. it's another factor i look forward to and enjoy so much when i watch their performances!!

u know what? virgos 😐 indeed KJJKDFJKFDJKFDKJ i want to slander virgos today because it's their season and no one slanders them that often so <3 ABOUT MARK'S VIRGO TEMPER THOUGH... i know i've said i enjoy seeing it sm but whenever i think abt it i cant help but say that.. I Love His Temper <3 he doesn't get pissed off in a scary and douchebag-y way it seems so... contained?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT he punched an a/c though so that might not be the perfect word to describe him lmaoo <3

THE J TRINITY HFDJFJDJHDF BESTIE UR MIND IS SO!!!!!!!!!!! honestly... maybe it's the acts of service for me <3 JKDFKJFDKJFJKD i think this is just my eldest sister and savior syndrome speaking though kfjkdkjf ALSO OH MY GOD THE WAY U NOTICE THESE THINGS <3 THAT'S SO SEXIE OF U!!! and yes he used to be an infj!! there was an interview that's more recent wherein he mentioned that he's now an enfj though but i cant rmb which interview it's from :/ ALSO MOOD FKJJKGJGKF i dont believe in mbtis too but im just... a little obsessed w it for the fun of it all <3 and the way u described them </3 what if i tear up a little </3 I LOVE CHAN'S LAUGH SO MUCH BUT IM SO SOS O GLAD U BROUGHT UP YUGYEOM'S LAUGH??????????? IT'S NOT TALKED ABT ENOUGH LIKE...... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! one of my bird moots said he sounded like a schoolboy in choir 😭😭😭😭😭😭

GOD UR TASTE!!!!!!! what if i start falling in l*ve a little :/ what then :/ focus on me was ahead of it's time and people fucking slept on THEM i cannot fucking believe this. this has to be some kind of sick joke 😭 ALSO HAVE U SEEN THE CHOREO FOR SENSES!!!!!!1 INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck!!!!!! sorry for the expletives but like.... holy SHIT they did THAT!!!!!!!! ALSO UR SO RIGHT </3 jjp verse 3 when... ALSO did u know i let go of the jjprojects url... thats the worst mistake of my life KDKJDSKJDSJK also agree wholeheartedly <3 i think they're all trying to find their footing this time around as soloists and im so proud of them for that!! i'll stand by my jus2 agenda though bc they're almost in the same company so maybe.. i might have hope left 😭

SO TRUE BESTIE!!! the same principle goes w svt for me as well <3 got7's such a flavorful group musically like... all of them have the capacity to go solo and they're still considered flops.. waht the fuck <3 ALSO OMG FJDKJFKFJD YOU'VE HEARD The Song!!!!!!!! maybe he'll be releasing something along those lines <3 esp now that he's supposedly coming w an album KJSJKDJSK on a similar note.. do u also listen to jamie (the other artist on the song) <3 NOO SHUT UP THIS CANNOT BE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was obsessed w on the rocks too 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FAVORITE ON THE MIRRORS ALBUM HELLO??????????????????????????? im proposing to u rn

ok now i have to watch all the live vids again JKDSJKSJDKDSKJ ik keep saying 'ur so right', 'i agree', and 'so true bestie' but im gonna have to say this again bc i LOVE LOVE LOVE live sessions sm no matter the artist. i also just am a little partial to live bands in performances like that in general so JDJKKDSJDS

the way you're saying these cute things abt the svteenies.. </3 giving me heartache!!! i'd bully them though i can't coddle them anymore <3

not the fandom JKFDKJFDKJFDKJFKJF ok but i think it's mostly their younger fans tbh. it wasn't this bad before.. i also really liked bts during their debut days. their songs were really good!! i kind of lost interest though and couldn't really get into them although their songs slapped lol. my irls are still into them though so i still hear about them. 9 YEARS............................... wait oh my god it HAS BEEN a little over a decade since 1d was The Thing huh 😭 now i feel kinda old lmao. and i totally get that feeling </3 it really do be like that sometimes JKFDJKJKFD

you really ARE keeping up w the sevens oh my god how are you doing it!!!!!!!!!!! it's like getting svt content now at this point but more complicated bc u need to get the updates from different sources JDKJSDKJJSKD love ur song choices too <3

ALSO FULLY RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw bam's teasers... the aes was my cup of tea and THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't fucking get it out of my mind it's objectively one of the best things i've seen from kpop in 2021. i'm super impressed <3 love how abyss really supported bambam on this. they really went all in for him!!

I KNOW GKJDFJDK I GOT SUPER ???????/// DURING THE TIME EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY WERE DISBANDING LMAOOOO they pulled a move that's so unheard of though no one really expected That. i respect jaebeom so much for handling all the paperwork and shit behind the scenes it must've been HELL!! ALSO IT MEANT I CRIED FOR NOTHING THEN 😭😭😭 AND YES OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAME BIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHOCK I HAD WHEN I SAW THE LIST????????????????????????? thought i was gonna black out like,,, mark,,, AND BIBI??????????????? she's fucking phenomenal how is she just a YEAR older than me.. INSANE!!! ... and i also thought jackson was gonna have an ost for this movie.. idk why it wasn't released though i didnt look into it :/

i had a rough few days so i'm not yet finished with the playlist (my laptop's Dead i am still trying to revive her and uni's starting soon 😭) but for the mean time, here's another one that some people from caratblr previously asked for JDSJKSDJ these are mostly english songs though its not my k-playlist KJDSKJSDJK

i do hope this week gets better!!! and i hope that you'll have a fun one too <3 thank u for being so patient w me 🥺 i just get so many messages and find the need to recharge FDKJDFJK

ALSO I FELT LIKE IT WAS U!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i even searched my blog for the word manifest but for some reason your ask didn't come up in the search so i didnt mention u in the tags so i wont misattribute if it ends up not being u 😭 thank u for manifesting this chan for me he's my little... hop hop now ig... 😭

[17mounteens]

Longing (Seungkwan)

Request: 

hello, i'd like to request a seungkwan smut where he comes back home from tour to find y/n crying because she misses him and they somehow end up having some fluffy loving sex c: thanks in advance!!

Smut.

» He comes back from tour and finds you crying because you miss him so much. Fluffy, loving sex (or writer’s attempt at that) ensues.

» If you’re using the tumblr app and can’t see the scenario, which is under a “keep reading”, please try opening the post in your phone’s internet browser (or a computer)! 💕

» 3,583 words

With each day that Seungkwan had spent on tour with the rest of Seventeen, the longing feeling in your chest had continued growing.

You had both prepared well for the tour, spending as much time together before it began as you possibly could, discussing how there wouldn’t be too much contact during the months he was more or less out of the country, and your time apart had begun well, too.

Eventually, however, you realized you missed him more than any good morning texts or quick video calls could satisfy, and the pictures and videos you saw online did nothing to help. He was smiling so brightly and your heart was full with love when you thought about how happy he must’ve been feeling, seeing Carats in so many different countries while having fun with the members, but at the same time that same smile was so dear to you that you wished he was there next to you.

You missed his calming voice - which was why you enjoyed all the radio lives Seungkwan occasionally did with some other members - as well as you missed his arms around you, his little pout when he was too much in thought and in general just… him.

It was tougher than you had expected, and towards the end of the tour you had found yourself tearing up in the night more and more often, cuddling a pillow while either listening to a cover he had done or replaying some of the many video or audio messages he had sent you throughout the tour.

The one you listened to that particular night was a good night message he had recorded quietly a week or so earlier, his voice hushed and calm and overflowing with affection towards you. You could tell he was smiling a little.

”Good night, Y/N. The day here has been amazing, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot. It’s not a bad thing, of course, but I miss you a lot, so… yeah. I really can’t wait to be back. I’ll give you a hug worth all these months, yeah? Do you think you can handle that?”

He laughed softly, and you could hear him sigh, which made you smile even as your heart felt like it could break any second from how much you missed him.

”Anyway, Hansol’s about to sleep so I think I should go, too. I love you a lot, baby. Sleep well, and dream of me.”

The sound of a kiss that he then gave to the microphone was one of your favorites, you supposed, and you could easily imagine him kissing your temple or something.

Putting the audio message to play again, you finally let yourself start drifting off to sleep.

…

A few days after that, Seungkwan was climbing up the stairs of your apartment complex, his heart beating excitedly in his chest as he was unable to wipe the wide smile off his face.

He’d finally see you after the long months overseas, and he felt like the stairs would never end.

While walking down the hallway to your door, he fiddled with the gift box he was holding, containing some souvenirs and a few general presents he’d gotten for you. Upon reaching the door, he fished for his keys, where dangled a spare key to your apartment, and got it in the lock.

“Y/N?” Seungkwan called softly when the door was open and he could already step into your apartment. He quirked his eyebrow a little when he got no reply despite being fairly sure you’d be at home.

Soon he could distinguish some sounds coming from the direction of your bedroom, and while toeing his shoes off, he tried to identify it. As soon as he realized that it was the sound of you sniffling, his eyes widened a little, and he rushed to your room once he had put the gift box aside.

“What’s wrong?” he asked when he had reached the door to your room, and joined you on your bed, where you were cuddled into a pillow.

“Seungkwan?” you asked in surprise, your heart immediately beating faster in your chest, and you wiped your eyes so that you could look at him properly.

And there he was, the love of your life, his hair a lighter shade of blond than it had been when you had last seen him, and his cheeks a bit less puffy than back then, too. He looked gorgeous, and you were glad to see that the love in his eyes hadn’t gone anywhere.

You didn’t say another word as he wrapped his arms around you and held you close, shushing you as you broke down into fresh tears while clinging onto him tightly, inhaling his familiar scent and just letting it slowly sink in that Seungkwan was back.

“I missed you so much,” you said quietly while holding his pale pink sweater in your fists, your body all relaxed with how soothing his hand was as it stroked your back slowly.

“I missed you too, Y/N,” Seungkwan said softly and placed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “I got you a lot of souvenirs.”

“You didn’t have to,” you said with a small pout and lifted your face so that you could look into his eyes. Seungkwan grinned, his eyes curving a little.

“I know, but I wanted to,” he declared and stole a quick kiss from your lips before placing his chin on top of your head while holding you close. “You know I love giving presents to the people I love.”

“I do,” you mumbled and unwrapped your arm from around him and began drawing circles on his chest instead, smiling to yourself while sniffling; all the crying had gotten your nose fairly runny.

For a while you just lay there, enjoying each other’s closeness and talking about how you had been and how you had missed each other, but at some point you began getting more and more aware of how close he was, how nice his breathing sounded and how manly he felt, which eventually only made you think about how long it had been since the last time you had had sex.

And at the memory of what sex with him was like… you were a goner: it was fantastic.

Without even fully realizing what you were doing, you cleared your throat. Seungkwan hummed in curiosity. “I-- I also missed your touch.”

Seungkwan was silent and your cheeks felt like they were burning, and you were praying he’d catch on what you meant, or at the very least feel similarly.

He blinked in surprise, and while you couldn’t see it with how dark your room was, his cheeks gained a rosy color as he tightened his hold around you a little, his voice a bit lower than earlier when he spoke. “Me, too.”

You hardly had enough time to get excited when he pressed his lips to yours and began leaning over you a little, his knee soon between your legs and one of his hands moving up on your waist as you began making out passionately. It had been a long time since the last time you had been able to do what you loved, so you didn’t waste much time in getting your hands in seungkwan’s hair, although the coarseness of it made you pout a little.

“Has it been bleached again?” you asked in the middle of the kisses, and Seungkwan snorted at the sudden question, turning on your bedside lamp quickly.

“Yeah,” he said with a nod and breathed deeply while looking into your eyes, licking his lips slowly. “I thought about you a lot on the tour.”

Melting into a smile, you slowly moved your hands to Seungkwan’s shoulders as he began kissing his way down your neck. “You did?”

He hummed in reply and began unbuttoning the flannel shirt dress you were wearing, his lips moving lower on your body with each kiss. Butterflies were flying in your stomach at the same time as blood was starting to rush between your legs, only making the need inside of you stronger.

“The hotel nights were lonely,” Seungkwan mumbled, and you could nearly hear the pout on his face. “So when I had the time and privacy, I’d think about you and…”

“Masturbate?” you continued his sentence when his voice trailed off, and he lifted his face, grinning at you.

“Yeah. And the occasional photos you’ve sent me in the past helped, too,” Seungkwan chuckled and gave you a kiss on the lips when you made a face, before moving back down to your chest level. “Come on, they’re gorgeous.”

“Still,” you giggled, but let out a content sigh when he kissed the top of your left breast while squeezing the other one lightly through your bralette. Tightening your hold of his shoulders, you licked your lips. “...But photos have helped me, too.”

Seungkwan blinked. “My photos?”

“Whose, if not yours?” you asked with a raised eyebrow and a soft smile on your lips that only grew wider at the sight of your boyfriend, slightly flustered and surprised.

“I don’t know, I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at some of those actors, so I thought--”

“Please,” you shook your head and sat up so that you could cup Seungkwan’s cheeks, as he sat up on his knees, too. “No one turns me on the way you do.”

For a moment there was a warm smile on Seungkwan’s face that slowly turned into a grin as he gave you a playful, sweet kiss. Upon pulling back, he began laying you down again and got half on top of you, caressing your cheek. “I could say the same.”

Smiling, you got your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a long, heated kiss that was followed by numerous other ones and during which his hands moved on your body more daringly, and eventually you got your hands under his shirt, too. He had lost some weight during the tour, but you didn’t mind it, and were glad to notice that at the end of the day he still had a layer of softness on him - just the right amount.

Besides, all that mattered was that his smile and kisses were still the same.

Not much later, you were a panting mess, desperate to get out of the legging shorts you were wearing, and Seungkwan was equally eager to get out of his clothes. Having taken the shorts off, you helped his shirt over his head as well as his jeans and boxers, taking your time dragging the denim down his thighs and revealing the tent in his underwear.

“It’s been a while,” he said almost defensively, hissing when you placed your hand on his hard-on, rubbing it gently through his boxers.

“I love seeing you turned on,” you said quietly and moved a bit on the bed, getting your panties off with one hand before swinging a leg over Seungkwan’s thigh and getting a comfortable position before sliding your hand into his boxers from the waistband. Grinning, you began bringing your lips closer to his. “So hard…”

“God, your hand feels so good,” he sighed and let his eyes fall shut as you stroked him, spreading his pre-cum around the head of his cock, which alone had him moaning. That, in turn, had your hips bucking lightly against his thigh that was more or less between your legs, and Seungkwan raised his eyebrows at that before smirking a little. “Let me help you a little.”

With that, he moved his hand, which he had been caressing your bare back with, low enough to be able to reach between your legs. Whimpering at the closeness, you moved a bit higher so that it would be easier for him, and let out a quiet moan when you felt two of his fingers starting to rub you up and down your slit, swimming around in your wetness.

“You’re so wet,” Seungkwan stated the obvious and swallowed hard, only able to think about how amazing your pussy would feel around his cock, which in turn had his hips bucking up into your hand.

“Finger me,” you pleaded desperately, almost blinded by your desire, and picked up the pace at which you were stroking him to egg him on. Seungkwan, as obedient as ever, soon got a finger inside of your soaked entrance and began pumping it in and out. Moaning, you let your lips press against his neck. “More…”

Adding another finger, Seungkwan then used his other hand to lift your face so that he could kiss you, his tongue easily entering your mouth as you pleasured each other, both of you moaning quietly into the kiss every now and then, your actions getting hastier and more desperate by the minute.

Your breathing was getting shallow and you were getting increasingly aware of the way your hard nipples were rubbing against Seungkwan’s body, the other one more hard and the other one a bit more lightly, and when you could hear him mumble your name while starting to tease your entrance with a third finger, you broke away from the kiss and stopped moving your hand on his cock.

He looked at you, dazed and with his face flushed, his fingers stopping inside of you but remaining inside. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you breathed and nodded eagerly, slowly moving your eyes from Seungkwan’s plump, soft lips to his eyes, dark and hooded and so sexy. “Just… I need you. Now.”

Breathing deeply, he nodded and slowly retreated his fingers. “I need you, too.”

You bit down on your lower lip and let go of his length before reaching for the second drawer of your nightstand, where you kept the condoms and tissues and anything else small you might need when things got heated. Taking one condom, you then returned to Seungkwan, who you could see was eagerly sucking his fingers clean, which made you clench around nothing.

“I guess you don’t need a tissue,” you noted with a grin, and got a shake of his head as an answer.

“No, I much rather enjoy it myself,” he smirked a little and placed his hand down when his fingers were clean, after which he patted the mattress next to him. “Come on, baby.”

Not wasting any time, you moved to him and gave him the condom while swinging one of your legs across his so that you were astride on his lap, your wet pussy right between his thighs and his hard cock in front of you.

“I’ve missed this so much,” you breathed in awe as you looked at Seungkwan in all his glory; a sight you had missed to no end while he had been gone. All the little curves of his body, the occasional small moles, the trail of hair that led from his belly button to his length… And the way he was eyeing you like he knew just how good he looked and how much you were eating him with your eyes.

“Me, too,” he said with a smirk and began opening the foil wrapping of the condom, grunting quietly when you bent down to press kisses along his chest and stomach, moving lower as teasingly as you could. “Especially this.”

You smiled against his skin and moved all the way down to his crotch, at which point you took him into your hand and gave him a few slow strokes while kissing his shaft, opening your eyes so that you could see his face, flushed and his lips parted in pleasure. A grin spread to your lips. “Is the condom out?”

He could only nod, and winced in disappointment when you sat up again and let go of his cock, but all of that was gone as soon as you took the condom from him and put it on him carefully, and were quick to move higher on his body, all the way until you could align him with your entrance.

“Yes,” Seungkwan sighed, his hands tight on your hips, just as you began sinking down on him, letting him fill all of you.

“Shit,” you hissed, incredibly turned on, and let your eyes fall shut at how amazing it felt to be filled by him after such a long time.

Somehow some more sentimental feelings were awakened too, however, and you found yourself leaning down to kiss Seugkwan’s neck and caressing his body.

“I want it slow,” you mumbled against his skin, sighing contently as you moved your hips slowly. “I want to feel all of you. I want to feel you’re there.”

Seungkwan smiled softly and caressed your hips, lower back and ass slowly. “That sounds perfect.”

Feeling your heart be filled with an overflowing sense of love, you moved your lips to Seungkwan’s, kissing him passionately just as you began moving on him, knowing just how to keep it all slow and sensual and so, so good.

Seungkwan helped you move, his hands surprisingly strong on your hips, and you loved how desperate his kisses were, his tongue eagerly dancing with yours as his lips moved on yours. You had a hard time staying quiet, the sensuality of the moment driving you further into lust, and you could hear just how wet you were, as if it didn’t feel painfully obvious already.

“It’s been a while since you’ve been this wet,” Seungkwan said with a chuckle when you broke away from the kiss to muffle your whimpers into his neck.

You giggled to yourself, moaning as you moved your hips back down on him again. “Give me a break, it’s been too long since the last time we were like this.”

“Oh, but that last time was fantastic,” he hummed and helped you pick up your speed a little, sensing your need for more. Licking his plump lips, he began thinking about the previous time. “You had that gorgeous lingerie because you wanted to surprise me before the tour, and I had a new toy for you-- or us, really-- and by the third round we were both so sated…”

Moaning at the memory, you started sitting up and moving your hips back and forth on Seungkwan’s lap, taking in how good every movement felt. “That time kept me going for a good two weeks.”

He grinned up at you, but his face contorted a little in pleasure whenever you moved from a particularly nice angle. “Two and a half - I beat you.”

Rolling your eyes playfully, you began riding him properly, your moans high in pitch as you did. He watched you in awe, taking in how your breasts bounced and face contorted and, unable not to, how well your pussy was taking him, which had always been a turn-on for him.

“How did I ever last six months without this,” he mumbled, dumbfounded, and let his hands momentarily move up your body so that he could hold your breasts as you moved, as well as rub your nipples a little. You chuckled at his words, holding back a few moans at the way he was touching your breasts, but were wondering the exact same thing.

Soon your moans started getting louder and harder to stifle, and as both of you neared your climaxes, you bent down again, getting your lips close to his ear. “Help me come.”

Seungkwan swallowed and rolled the two of you over, and you were quick to wrap your legs and arms around him, clinging onto him as he began pounding you into oblivion, putting all those months of only imagining you to good use. You whimpered, your face hidden in his neck, and mirrored the movements of his hips as well as you could.

With him starting to whisper you sweet things about how much he had missed you and how amazing you felt and how much he loved you, you were soon thrown over the edge, accompanied by a quiet cry of his name.

He still thrust into you a few times before releasing into the condom, undeniably affected by the way your pussy was hugging him in a steady rhythm.

Slowly, you untangled yourself from him and he pulled out of you, getting the condom off before taking a fairly comfortable position next to you on the bed. You curled up to him, both of you breathing heavily, and felt him stroke your back soothingly.

“That’s what I’d call worth the wait,” he said with a snort, and you laughed quietly, too, and looked up at him adoringly.

“In many ways,” you added, bringing one of your hands to his cheek so that you could caress it. “I really love you. I’m glad you’re back.”

“I love you, too,” Seungkwan said, his voice even softer than normal, and you leaned up to kiss him sweetly, feeling him reply just as softly and lovingly.

You were infinitely glad to have him back next to you, and hardly left his side for the time he spent at your place.

Being cuddled up to him with his arm around you as he told you about the tour with a soft voice was all you needed, just like being able to cuddle up to him before sleeping.

And the next morning he did what he had promised and gave you a hug so long that you nearly pulled away from it, but embraced it nevertheless.

Admin Scooter

[soonhoonsol]

I would like to very sincerely apologize for being a bad content creator

<< LONG rant below >>

I’m really sorry

I feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough...and even though I’ve made that survey to help me, it’s not getting the response I hoped for it to get, and it might just be my anxiety but I feel that I’m not reaching out as much as I can, and no matter what I do...it’s just not enough. I also asked the bigger accounts for help to spread my survey and trust me, I had to overcome a major anxiety attack there because I was worried about what they would think of me. Like, “why is this small account asking me for help?” Ya know?

I know it might seem like I’m just begging for attention (maybe I am, idk) and I’m definitely annoying, but it’s difficult having to constantly pump out content whilst juggling my other responsibilities. Later this week I have a camp to facilitate, which means 3 days away from this website, meaning 3 days of constant worrying of how everyone will think of me (e.g. she’s a bad content creator because she’s not uploading anything).

And yeah, you might think I’m just blaming everything on my anxiety but it’s quite serious. People just overlook my anxiety, especially my parents, because I’m not diagnosed or anything, or they just think I’m faking. I’m not. I’m the kind of person who needs constant reassurance, which is why I always try to reach out to the Carat community before I post stuff (e.g. asking for opinions). I’m always worried that my gifsets aren’t good enough, or my headers aren’t creative enough (okay granted I’ve only made like, 2 header posts so...) And even when speaking to mutuals, I’m worried I come across as something that I’m not. I read the tags on most of my posts, and some tags are really very very heartwarming and that makes me love making content, but am I doing enough?

I’m trying my best here, to overcome my anxiety and to make good content for this blog, especially since it’s school holidays (term break...something like that) so I have time to do stuff. But amidst all these projects I’m doing on my own, I tend to miss out on a lot of stuff (lives, videos, etc.) from SVT, which is my main content pool. (I don’t have the V app on my phone because my dad could only afford a Windows phone at the time and I’ve been using that the past few years...) And when I miss out on SVT content, the more alert blogs use that to make their posts and my own projects that I worked really hard on just get shunned. 

I doubt anyone would read this really long rant (I am so so sorry) but I kinda just needed to let it out. After all, if I keep everything in, I’ll explode one day. 

But aside from all this negativity, I want to say Thank You to everyone who has reblogged or liked my posts, and to all those who took my survey (all 59 of you, currently. The goal was 200 but...I don’t think that’s very...reachable). I’m very thankful to be in the Carat fandom, for all of you are very nice (pun intended) people. :’)

[flowerconcept-blog]

soulmate!hoshi

in this au you can hear your soulmate’s thoughts, but it only happens when they’re focusing really really hard on something or are feeling very intense emotions, particularly intense happiness, sadness or stress

you would think that this would make it easy to talk with your soulmate in your head, but in reality it’s difficult to communicate until you’ve really established a bond with them by meeting in real life

so you’ve had your soulmates thoughts in your head your entire life, but you’ve never talked with him…… you know his name is soonyoung because sometimes he scolds himself in his head, though

that doesn’t mean you don’t feel close to him! feeling someone’s emotions and thoughts you can’t not love them to a certain degree, and you really do love soonyoung

from his thoughts you know how hardworking and genuine he is…...… a lot of the time he’s worrying about his friends and it breaks your heart because so often he’s blaming himself for other’s stress

you aren’t sure what he does but you think he must choreograph or dance because so often you’ll hear him going over song lines and dance steps in your head since he’s focusing on them so hard

sometimes you’ll wake up at 2am and he’s still awake working on a dance

those are the times you really wish you knew soonyoung or could talk to him….. so you could tell him to slow down and sleep because it seems like he overworks himself

when you’re an early teenager he has a lot of negative and stressful thoughts but thankfully as you’re heading off to college in seoul (aka after seventeen debuts), it seems like soonyoung has a lot more happiness in his life, which makes you happy too!!!!

there are some times (when he’s performing for carats! but you don’t know that) that he feels such overpowering joy that you can’t help but be happy, even if you’re feeling down for some reason

you always wonder which of your thoughts soonyoung hears since you live such a mundane life and you figure you must not be an interesting soulmate to have ;(

but soonyoung actually loves hearing you focusing really hard for a test or thinking about something you consider “boring”!!!! because the idol life means he doesn’t get those mundane moments and he’s glad he gets to share them with you

for him it’s hardest when he’s up choreographing and you’re having a rough night worrying about something :( because he wants to be able to cheer you up because that’s what soonyoung does best, but he can’t :(

the first time you actually communicate with him is when he’s having a really stressful time preparing for a comeback…..at this point you’ve sort of figured out he must be a famous performer of some sort because his thoughts are always revolving around stages and choreography

but most of all you’ve been hearing him worrying a lot about comments he’s read online….. and unlike the usual cheerful (if not a bit stressed) thoughts you hear from soonyoung, he seems really down on himself

after a couple of weeks of feeling this from his end, there’s a particularly bad night where soonyoung is up really late trying to perfect choreography on his own and suddenly you get this influx of really angry and upset thoughts blaming himself

and when you hear “we’ll fail because of me” you know you can’t just listen to this anymore because you can’t let soonyoung…. the hardworking, kind, lovely soonyoung you’ve heard all your life…. **your** soonyoung…. you can’t let him feel this way without at least trying to convince him otherwise

so you squeeze your eyes shut and focus as hard as you can on the thought “it’s not your fault soonyoung, please believe me”

and halfway across seoul, as he runs through the choreo for the millionth time, soonyoung hears you loud and clear, talking to him for the first time, and it’s like suddenly a wall crashes down and you guys can hear each other easily

that night you talk for hours, soonyoung telling you about seventeen and the comeback and how he’s afraid people think he doesn’t belong in the group ,,,,,,,, and quietly he hears you tell him that you can’t imagine anyone deserves it more than him

and for once he believes that when he hears it

you pass out at 4am and in the morning soonyoung will not stop talking about you to the boys…… wonwoo is like “we get it they’re kind and wonderful and amazing and i’m glad you guys talked but please … be quiet”

you expect to be able to talk to soonyoung all the time now but it seems like it doesn’t work like that ;( because in the morning you can hear him thinking about you and he can hear you thinking about him

but when you try to talk to each other, it doesn’t get through!!!!!!

both of you kinda mope but then you realize…...you know who he is now and you know exactly how you can meet him…… he’s an idol! he has fan meets!

you figure you can go to a seventeen fanmeeting and hopefully you’ll get to talk to him and he’ll recognize you 

and if it doesn’t work…… then you suppose it wasn’t meant to happen like that and you’ll meet each other another time, on fates terms

waiting is the hardest part, because now that you’ve communicated with each other you really really really want to meet soonyoung in real life and he wants to meet you too, but you can’t because you didn’t share phone numbers or anything!!!

every day soonyoung is like “i wonder how they are” and the rest of the boys r like oh my GOD you are so WHIPPED and you haven’t even met yet

basically you guys are already head over heels in love w/ each other but now you just have to wait

anyways finally seventeen has a fanmeet in seoul and you wait in line nervously, your new album tucked to your chest (you never listened to seventeen before but once you found out your soulmate was in it….you listened to all their songs and even bought their albums)

with no idea what to expect, you get inside the venue and you see soonyoung and you’re……..floored

because if he was beautiful in the fancams you watched….. he’s unreal in person….. as he smiles at the boy next to him you feel your heart beat like crazy imagining him smiling at you

time passes so slowly but honestly it’s alright because you get to look at him, and suddenly you’re at the front of the line for signings and you’re like…...oh my god oh my god oh my god

everything’s in slow motion until you reach soonyoung and you guys make eye contact and the rest of the noise in the room fades out and you just hear him think “it’s you”

you guys smile at each other without saying anything and it’s the perfect moment until one of the staff members is like rushing you along and you’re like…..wait what but then you’re like oh right…. this is his job

but as soon as you’re done getting your album signed another staff member asks you to come backstage and you’re like thank GOD because now that you’ve met your soulmate for real you don’t know what you would do if you had to just. leave him again

it takes forever but the event ends and soonyoung comes backstage to the room you’re sitting in and all you can do is say “hello” awkwardly before he comes and engulfs you in a bear hug

this feeling of relief that you’re with him after all these years of waiting…..sweeps over you and you can’t help but tear up a little bit as you hug him back

he sniffles a bit too tbh :(

seventeen has more schedules so he explains he can’t spend time with you right away but you exchange numbers and talk a tiny bit, and as he’s leaving he presses a kiss to your cheek and ur like WOW!!!!! that happened!!!

your first date is late at night because it’s the only time soonyoung can meet and you guys just walk around and he buys you snacks from a convenience store 

you stay out way too late talking so you sleep in and miss your morning class lmao

he kisses you for real on your third date when you guys are watching a movie at your apartment and you move together so naturally that it doesn’t even feel like the first kiss, you were expecting **sparks** but it feels like you’ve been kissing for years instead, and that’s even better

which honestly is like your whole relationship with soonyoung!!!! it feels like you’ve been dating forever…… there’s no need for awkwardness or elaborate romantic dates because you’re content just being together…. just being close to each other

he always calls you “my soulmate” as a nickname and it’s disgustingly cheesy but you love it ;(

because you can sense each other’s emotions, fights sort themselves out easily and when one of you is having a rough time it’s easy to tell…. which is especially good for soonyoung because he keeps negative emotions to himself and before you there wasn’t really anyone he could let those feelings out with

but now when you feel that he’s upset, you call him right away and your voice calms him down, or if you can’t call you just talk to him quietly through his thoughts and he’s so so grateful for having you in his life

when the two of you are going to sleep together or cuddling he mumbles into your hair about how when he’s not so busy with work he’s going to marry you and spend every possible second with you and it makes u really emo because you love him so much

you guys have a bunch of dumb inside jokes and laugh so much together …… soonyoung never ever fails to make you happy and he thinks you’re the funniest person in the world but everyone else is like “wtf” when you guys are cracking up

the perfect soulmate couple because you balance each other out so well and always support each other unconditionally and you just…. fit in a way neither of you never thought you could fit with anyone

but you fit with each other and that’s what really matters !!!!!!!

[tofuqueen]

:( i just deleted so all my s/vt gifs are Gone, but once i start making some for other groups i’ll be sure to send you them💛 the king is alright but i am Very Lost in the story it’s complex aaaa + my city’s about to do stay at home again so that’s gonna be fun 🤸🏻‍♀️ hbu? + totally understandable! i’m sorry this all happened :( i full on deleted and remade bc i don’t feel comfortable supporting them n i wanted a fresh start + i’ll take a listen and send another ask when i’m done! 💛 -🌻

hello i’m back and i listened to everything!! i totally missed jhene’s new drop :0 omg i liked everything!! some i knew already but some i didn’t heh ❤️ ty for the new music + i would LOVE some bollywood omg yes!!! + my songs: broken record by golden, july on film by zeauxi, all i need by jacob collier, be honest by jason mraz (oldie but a goodie), selene by niki!! -🌻

oh angel, deleting ur blog must have been a hard decision to make :((( i can tell that ur sentiments are sincere, and i do genuinely appreciate u standing w desi carats rn... its a lot to take in and pledis’ ignorance towards the situation rlly amplifies that and leaves a bad taste in ur mouth. i will admit that it’s hard not to continue being emotionally invested in svt, but it’s also hard to watch their content w out feeling a degree of discomfort. i’m sorry that you and i, and i’m sure many others, have to go through this but know i’m always here if u need to talk it out!!🧸💕🌷

oh nooo😣 i really dont expect the next few weeks to pan out well covid-wise... its good that ur city has a stay at home order though!! i live in america and i’m pretty sure that’s the last thing my city would do despite the rising cases😖. even though i’m going back to campus, i’m pretty sure they’re going to send us back within a few weeks bc things will get worse if anything. btw r u in school rn?? and if yes what r u studying? i’m going into my junior yr at uni and i’m studying chem :’)) (also maybe psych if i can fit it in my schedule hehe)

also HELLO !!!!! ur music taste is amazing<33333🥝i loved all the songs esp broken record (omg i had to do a double take bc i recognized the voice?? i had no clue g.soul changed his name to golden... insane) and july on film!!! it was my first time hearing anything by zeauxi and omg .. i HAD to add her to my playlist her voice is so ethereal🥰✨✨!!! omg u like niki .. galaxy brained babe!! going to be honest, i’m not the biggest fan of selene and switchblade (i have to be in ~the mood~ to listen to them yk??), but i adore her music in general!

also hehe i might go insane w the bollywood recs u dont have to listen to all of them but these r my favs!!!

main agar kahoon - om shanti om (this song ... literally magical✨✨✨!! this was one of my fav movies when i was little i reccommend x100!! )

barso re - shreya ghoshal

tu jaane na - atif aslam

tujh mein rab dikhta hai - roop kumar rathod

dua - zack knight (not rlly bollywood but i feel like youd like this one!!)

sheila ki jawani - tees maar khan (the ultimate bollywood hoe song .. u will not regret listening i promise)

[lesbiancarat]

Book anon here and I am happy to let out a sigh of relief from the new update pledis gave! I found out last night from some friends and can be less worried now. Am happy this has all been very mature from all sides so for once, we can give kudos to pledis for doing a good job lol (at the end they said in the statement they are looking to investigate more which im happy to hear they aren't wrapping things up just yet and want everything to be cleared up) but this also means the boys are back online!! The way I squealed in happiness dbamdban also a new jun photoshoot!? In front of my salad!? (Yes I used this old meme shhh)

Very much agreed, I admit I had that feeling of guilt of even listening to some svt songs during the rocky weeks because like oncant help but sit there and just remember what had occurred BUT we shouldn't feel bad for liking the boys as you said. Its natural to feel upset or confused when you are a fan and hear something your favs have done isn't ok. Especially if they made you happy. As you said just because some fans still listened to them, made content, miss them and etc does nOT mean we aren't focused on the bigger issues, doesn't mean we weren't ignoring anything ya know? We could do both i think c: (it comes down to i think how fans react from it i.e. do they cause drama more or do they just keep calm)

Oof its a love/hate relationship with the internet bc like you have the issue of reposting so content creators have to worry about that BUT you have the internet which can help get peoples work get noticed and I love that. The amount of beautiful art I saw on Tumblr alone is amazing! For rythym hive, time will tell. I'm worried we won't get pristin, after school and other last pledis artists because it would make sense to just use active artists from a buisness perspective but we have no word just yet. They probably are talking behind the scenes to make some stuff finalized, I mean bighit is doing a rebranding for bighit labels (to clarify, from what I understand is its not bighit themselves changing their names just the bighit artists label name because alot of people got confused with it. Meaning bighit is still bighit just the artists under bighit labels is named hybe. Pledis is still pledis and source is still source just they are now under the hybe name) so this also is going to take some time im guessing

Welp enough of me rambling, I shall get going but here is your daily reminder to eat some yummy food and to stay safe! *skips away*

yes, I'm glad pledis has been handling this well and that we get to see the boys again!

the loading u photoshoot was beautiful! we've actually gotten so much jun content so far this year despite the unofficial hiatus ;-;

and yeah while there were a lot of Carats that took some sort of "neutral" route (this could mean a lot of different things, but just generally ppl who decided to wait for more info before having an extreme reaction either way), there were enough people saying that the right thing to do was to condemn mg right away that it painted those who were doing anything less as bad. (there were also, to be fair, people defending mg blindly, who also made out those remaining "neutral" to be bad. although i think those were in the minority)

from my understanding it's Bighit co. ltd that's being renamed? aka the bigger company that encompasses bighit labels and Bighit entertainment as well as a bunch of other things like weverse. so Bighit entertainment and bh labels will still be called the same, but the broader company everything's under is being renamed to HYBE. there's a chance I'm wrong! but i guess we'll find out once they actually change the name and we'll see what changes and what doesn't dhfjfh i think after it's actually changed it will make things a lot easier though bc there's currently three entities with the name Bighit but afterward it /should/ only be two (the entertainment company and bh labels)

i hope you're doing well anon!