#and i clearly got a VERY different impression/reading of Finn & his actions & relationships than others in fandom did

[bellamygateoldblog]

In a way, finn was also the one that got away. But moreso the idea of him, rather than who he actually was. She lost him very early on and by the end she could no longer recognise him at all. They started off well, hit a peak, a bump, they declined, and they plummeted. And it happened really quickly. They were essentially at rock bottom by the end of that road. But she very much still cared for him; his death shook her, and was a turning point for her whole character. She could look back on this moment as the moment she was pushed to grow into the new world, take up more space, be more ruthless. It was a wake up call of sorts. On the other hand her relationship with Lexa is romanticized, idealised, because they never actually left that honeymoon phase. It's stuck in time forever. So I think it absolutely makes sense for Clarke to mourn Lexa in a way she could never mourn Finn. They exist differently in her memories and have different emotions associated with them. How much of those Lexa mentions are pandering to fandom, I don't know, but I do know the sheer amount of times she was brought up after her death confused me a lot as a casual viewer.

I thought of a couple more things that could point to Finn being Clarke's first love, or at least a love. She banishes her hallucinations with the power of "love is weakness" (dumb, yes, but the inference there is that she did, in fact, love him.) She cries over his dying body in one scene telling him "she can't do this without [him]" even after his betrayal on her character. That, to me, doesn't seem like her throwing him aside like a wet sock. I think you could argue that her readiness to drop him just means she isn't that girl that's gonna pursue a man whose already taken, just as you said! It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want him anymore. The point you made: about her realising he isn't who she thought she was falling in love with, is exactly how I interpreted that whole situation with Raven confronting her about it ("i barely know him"). Even typing this out it's clear all of these situations are dependent on how you personally interpret them and the characters involved. Can I include an example I just argued with myself about? It cracked me up hahaha. Remember when Clarke gazed over at Finn (+Raven) after Bellamy tells her he wouldn't know what to wish for upon a shooting star? At first (and all the way up until right now) I interpreted that as longing. That she would wish for him to belong to her rather than Raven. But I just did a complete 180 spin and i think that it's just as valid to see that scene as her feeling regretful of her night with him, and she would wish to take it all back. I just confused myself :)

I think Finn and Lexa both are equally important in Clarke's story, but just exist in different times, and belong to different versions of herself. She experienced 2 very life-shattering events with their deaths, one where she couldn't save her and one where she had to kill him, and i can imagine the impact that might have on a young girl with an already existing saviour complex from not being able to save her father. She had 2 more heartbreak-y moments from Lexa's betrayal and Finn's massacre. Bottom line: they both had hands in shaping Clarke into who she is and are linked to very big events in her story. It would make sense to me that they might both get equally revisited in her memories. I think the difference between them is exactly as was said, Clarke associates romance with Lexa, and tragedy with Finn. It's his death that she was forced to deliver that ultimately left the biggest scar, not his love, and not anything he did before. He's important, not because of their fleeting relationship, but because of how it ended.

People often talk about how bad s1 is, but there were very complex dynamics in this season (that were carried into s2) that are fun to pick apart!! (I loved s1 in all it's corny glory lol)

look a part of me will always, always love Clexa 

but realistically

(I’m about to get Clexa critical, if you couldn’t tell. scroll on if you don’t wanna read negative realities about that ship.)

the narrative should reference Finn just as much as Lexa. and the reason it doesn’t has nothing to do with the story they’re telling, and everything to do with the cultural impact each relationship had. Finn and Lexa are really not that different, though, not in terms of how each relationships plays out.

they both betrayed her at different points. they were both her lovers. each relationship ends within a day of its physical consummation. she watched both of them die from wounds to the chest. red blood or black blood, both were on Clarke’s hands when they each took their final breath. she kills Finn directly, and her love is not enough to protect him. she kills Lexa indirectly, and it’s her love that incites the shot meant for Clarke.

she kind of goes through the exact same thing twice, but with different genders.

but only one relationship is vilified to the point of being more or less nonexistent in fandom (I literally had no idea Flarke was a thing before watching this show, Finn was persona non grata in fandom at that time)

and only one relationship has been elevated to the point of legend, been referenced several times within canon, several seasons after the character left the show, and become so iconic that it’s more or less the first thing a lot of people familiar with fandom think of when they hear or see “The 100″

the difference is what Clexa meant to the LGBT community, specifically wlws. and as a wlw, I understand that difference. it’s why some part of me will always be a sucker for them. but I’m disappointed in that difference, too.

Clarke is bisexual. Finn was her first love. there are enough similarities between those relationships and story arcs that Finn should be represented on the same level as Lexa. or even somewhere in that ballpark!

but up until Clarke’s mindscape episode in s6, she never mentions or even appears to remember that she cared for Finn. 

in 3x11, when ALIE!Raven is poking at Clarke’s weak spots, the mention of both her lifelong best friend, Wells, and Finn, her first love who she literally killed, barely earns more than a tight, angry smirk from Clarke. it’s only when ALIE!Raven brings up Clarke being responsible for Lexa’s death, too, that Clarke finally snaps, so much so that she gives up crucial information about their plans.

obviously the Lexa thing is a bit fresher than either Wells or Finn at that point, but not so much so that the difference would be so extreme. both Finn and Wells have been dead for less than six months, at this moment in the timeline. 

that said, I do believe, based on interviews and comments made at cons and such, that Eliza Taylor was playing the role of a person who lost her “one true love” type of soulmate just moments after finding her. 

that allows me to excuse some of the endless references in later seasons, but not all. not when there’s such a dearth of references to Finn.

@osleyakomwonkru brought up a good point, recently, about how Clexa was really more about the tragedy of the potential of something epic being cut off, but that Clarke and Lexa didn’t really get the chance to actually become the epic thing that fandom made them out to be. 

I don’t think anything underlines this attitude more than the dichotomy of fandom reaction to Flarke versus fandom reaction to Clexa. they’re essentially the same story with slightly skewed players and events.