#and i can't stop myself from being nasty back this soon after i've woken up...

[kenzan-kiwami]

sick of the type of yakuza fan who parrots "ishin kiwami bad" every time someone mentions having fun with it

[brbarou]

lengthy medical storytime! if you follow me on twitter, you've already heard about this !! i've been having a blast!!

sometime in september i woke up to a strange pain in my right toenail? i freaked out right away tried to figure out the source and noticed that my nail was slightly shorter than the one on the other foot - which is weird, because i always trim them at the same time, and they always grow at the same pace. so i deduced that my nail had stopped growing for some reason and it would hopefully start again soon

by the time october rolled around i started suspecting this might be an ingrown nail situation but i couldn't bring myself to google anything about how ingrown toenails work because every single article is full of nasty ass images of fucked up nails that i don't want to look at! but i gathered that nails usually become ingrown by being cut too short and colliding with the skin in the front. that wasn't the case with me! nothing was stopping the guy from growing. i also don't remember stubbing my toe or anything. at this point i was freaking out. i started sleeping barefoot (wearing socks 24/7 might've had something to do with this) i started wearing different pairs of shoes thinking maybe my sneakers were straining my foot etc

november rolls around my nail is getting shorter - it's going backwards instead of growing forward. whenever i get to this part of the story people tell me that i'm delusional but i see what's going on baby. he is SINKING. i finally go see a doctor (mind you, all of this is happening, but i'm not in pain per se, i barely feel a thing) the doctor, instead of paying attention to the reason i came, starts rambling about how my toes are pointed inwards. i tell her that yes, they've been that way since i was born, but she goes on a long tangent about how that's not normal and i should go get myself toe separators to get that adjusted. for the nail she just gives me some anti fungal spray and cream (apparently fungal infections can cause this! but she doesn't comment much on it) i do extensive research and buy myself the correct kind of toe separators and start wearing them while also treating my nail with the stuff she prescribed me

nothing changes

in december i go on a day long trip to budapest wearing to toe separators all day long. by the time i came back home my toe was a little bit swollen. around this time i notice that long walks of any kind leave my toe (primarily, the area underneath the nail) all red and swollen, but not too painful. i stop wearing the separators because they're enhancing the swollen area by pressing down on it

january 3rd i am woken up by excrutiating pain in my toe. the whole area underneath the nail (which has, by the way, continued sinking further and further down) has developed into an ugly red bump. i put ice on it and go to the doctor again. she shrugs and gives me antibiotics and some other cream, saying it's just an ingrown nail. both me and my mom try explaining to her that the nail is migrating south but she doesn't really seem to care

for a whole week i treat the guy with literally everything. i take my antibiotics, i take painkillers, i let it simmer in warm salted water, i apply the creams, when the pain is unbearable i put ice on it. literally nothing changes. at this point i can't even put a normal sock on because it's too painful on the lump. the only thing that even remotely helped was this plant that my mom picked in the garden and let sit on my nail overnight (it's some old folktale recipe that her grandmother used to treat her wounds with) like the bump goes down a bit after 8 hours of the herb setting in, only to get inflamed again after.

i went to see my doctor again today after the bump turned a purpleish color and got even bigger and she just did a :o face and redirected to some hospital 3 cities away for them to figure it out tomorrow. they're probably going to give me local aneshetic and just rip the nail out? i literally have no idea what else could work at this point. even if it wanted to start growing again i don't think it could from how sunken it is now. i feel like the sole reason the bump is even there is because the nail has sunk back to where it's not supposed to be!! what could creams and sprays even do about that!!! i'm horrified because i'm sensitive about anything nail related but whatever. i need this to be over soon january is a midterm month i have such an ungodly amount of work to do which is hard enough even when i'm not worrying about having an alien lifeform forming on my toe. i've been limping for a week and am losing strength in my right foot. if i miss a single college class i won't be able to pass the semester. i have ten exams to study for and two seminars to write. the toe has turned a deep dark purple as i finish writing this. happy new year everyone

self portrait, this past week