#and i can't elaborate or articulate myself

[cepheusgalaxy]

I hate elaborating myself

I hate having to explain my feelings;

Why I'm feeling them;

Then why they're valid;

Then why Person should care about that;

Then why I don't deserve to have them disrespected and disconsiderated!

I hate that I always have to do that

And that I suck at articulating myself, so I can't tell any of these things from above and end up upset and angry and stressed and--

UGHHHHHHHHHH

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[tvrningout-a]

IMAGES OF HISAKAWA CHIYOKO

" i am slowly learning how to just be in this moment. how to exist. how to understand that i cannot control life, that i can only experience it in both its light and its dark stages. i am slowly learning how to laugh and cry and feel through it all, how to welcome the confusion and the joy that come with loving and living and breaking. i am slowly learning how to accept where i am. i am slowly learning how to simply believe in the person i am becoming. ”

pg. 6/∞

[fuddlyduddly]

Hey, I saw you talking about reading The Haunting of Hill House via a trans lens and I got curious. Could you elaborate on that, please? Cause I found it really interesting.

yeah I can! I've been meaning to write some sort of article about why I feel Hill House is trans, so this is a good excuse to get these thoughts written out.It's mostly that I find the story and its themes to be very trans to me, specifically with the character of Eleanor; when I was a teen and didn't know I was trans, and I found myself drawn to her for reasons I couldn't understand yet. There are a lot of things about her that spoke to me as a pre egg-crack trans woman; the way she feels like she's been waiting her whole life for something, anything, but she doesn't know what; the way she's felt trapped by the expectations of her; the way she's so shy and withdrawing (she reminds me in a way of this quote from Imogen Binnie's Nevada: "Maria is transsexual and she is so meek she might disappear"); the ways in which Eleanor constantly feels out of touch with the people around her and can't figure out social situations; the ways she's never felt wanted ("I am a sort of stray cat aren't I?"); the way she is prone to misreading casual relationships because she isn't experienced enough to know she's mistaken; and especially how she so desperately wants to belong. Eleanor is so withdrawn and desperate for connection that she lets the House take her over because, at last, “something is at last really, really, really, happening to [her]”, and unfortunately I could relate to that; she's so desperate to belong that she'll let anything happen to her, even if it kills her.

One line in particular really speaks to me every time I reread the book: “—and then each year, one summer morning, the warm wind would come down the city street where she walked and she would be touched with the little cold thought: I have let more time go by.” To me, that's what it felt like pre realization, every year would go by and I'd feel like I'd missed something; I wouldn't know what, but I'd know I'd let more time go by. Eleanor's story is one of a person who's been waiting so long to make a change, that when a change finally happens, it's too late for her; she's waited too long, and she's out of time. It's rather bleak, but so is gender dysphoria.

I think for me ultimately, any story about a woman who feels trapped and out of touch in some way will feel trans to me (I have a Letterboxd list about that with all sorts of movies on it), but Hill House really sticks out to me because of how acute and specific Eleanor's pain is, and how relatable I found her; her pain feels very transfeminine to me in ways I'm not quite sure how to articulate. I've found a lot of other transfems on tumblr who are also very drawn to Hill House, and in a way its very nice to see us all have a special connection to this book.

also part of this realization came from this post!

[genderqueerdykes]

okay my normal question is do i have to dress/look really masc to be a butch? like does my physical appearance factor into the identity at all? i've found recently that butch identity rlly resonates with me as an agender lesbian but i don't dress stereotypical "masc" nor do i really want to. but i would feel super fake calling myself butch if i'm walking around wearing what i always wear (t shirts and jeans and sweatshirts) and still have shoulder length hair. thanks for reading this

hey that's okay, i see a lot of asks about this on here, and i've tried to come up with a way to articulate this that makes sense. the butch is the person, not the clothes. sure, many butches choose to dress in a conventionally masculine way because that is what appeals to them, but many butches dress in other ways, too.

Alison Bechdel's Dykes to Watch Out For always comes to mind, because there are butches who wear skirts and dresses and have medium/long length hair and wear other "feminine" things while identifying as butches. while butch isn't a personality type, it refers to the person themselves being a queer masculine person. the butch is you, your outfits and presentation are butch because you are.

i hope that makes sense, it's been hard to figure out how to put that to words, but absolutely, you can do whatever you'd like as a queer masculine person. there are no rules stating that masc people can't have longer hair, or wear whatever they want, you know? i know cis men who identify as 100% masculine but still have long hair, or even wear makeup or elaborate 'feminine' jewelry. it's about the person

also the ole jeans n' a t shirt is a very valid masc outfit, that's what i wore when i got called butch the most!

hope that helps! take care

[myteavsricochet]

I was listening to one of the old podcasts of Taylor again because I love how articulate he is and his voice soothes me.

The host asks him as a joke what one should do in the field if they are ugly and Taylor is so kind when he answers that question

He chuckles and says people who are not traditionally handsome get to experiment with their roles so much more than the handsome ones.

He elaborates saying "I really wants to play layered roles with intelligent humor and the casting people say 'No your character doesn't even think like that he just wants chicks, booze and football' and I am like 'oh, okay'"

I just felt really sad for him after hearing that. He just has so many great ideas and I want to see him in all the roles he sees himself in. I know he has his whole career ahead of him but I can't help myself from thinking that maybe being a super hot POC limits him in some ways.

I remember that podcast, it certainly took a lot of effort and despite being full of ideas, passion and talent, it wasn't given the right attention and space. I'm grateful to rwrb and matthew because he was finally able to show that he's not just a pretty face but he's full of talent and can do so many wonderful things. It's a little sad to know his awareness of why he had such difficulty ❤️‍🩹 but he is also a very humble and determined person and has never been discouraged

[cayde6feetunder]

i mentioned it in some tags fucking forever ago and I posted about it on twitter but might as well post it here too

"I can't be ableist, I'm [x]" has done so much damage to mentally ill and disabled spaces and or threatens to do so. and unchecked internalized ableism and unchecked ableism as a whole.

i am someone with unsavoury symptoms and conditions. There's no beating the bush about this one. My symptoms are considered ugly and there have been times where I've met people who have been all like, "Support people with unsavory symptoms" but when I actually started hanging out with them they ended up being more ableist than anyone I've ever met.

I have memory issues. On some days I forget things quite literally as they happen to me. There's no guarantee I'd remember what you've said to me. It doesn't mean I don't care, I literally sometimes forget what I was doing three minutes ago. no, I'm not making an excuse, I literally forgot that you were bothered by, say, bugs and it was not intentional. Now I will most likely remember but please don't be bothered if moving forward I ask you to clarify what you're bothered by.

I have issues with my emotions. I struggle to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. PLEASE ask me to elaborate on things before jumping at me and accusing me of twisting things around or whatever, or inviting conflict, or a thousand other "UM ACTUALLY--"s. And please, PLEASE don't assume things, ASK ME THINGS. Let me speak.

I have issues with anxiety. I often distance myself from 90% of discord servers and even my own friends (even if they don't notice it) because I am deeply terrified that they secretly don't like me or they're seconds from snapping, or they find me annoying, or about a thousand fucking other things that there are times where I feel deeply, deeply ill. It's not that I don't like you; it's that I'm actively struggling with myself and putting forth a lot of effort to make things work on my end.

I have PTSD. That PTSD on top of the anxiety manifests in my fear of old terrible cycles repeating even if they're out of my control. This makes pretty much everything else mentioned way worse. Everything is a CONSTANT WAR within myself. I'm a perfectionist and I feel like even if it's not my fault I convince myself that I did something wrong and I rationalize things that way. There's also the bipolar and the BPD.

I am medicated and learning how to manage these things. But we need to accept that these symptoms are ugly, that while I'm doing my part, I and others like me still deserve grace and tenderness and we do NOT need our own community and/or communities who claim to have the exact same issues treating us like shit, spitting on us, or being in general hypocritical towards us in claiming that they support us but then do everything that seems to state the obvious.

it really is your own people sometimes. and it shouldn't have to be.

and whenever i try and say things like this I have people telling me I'm "DODGING RESPONSIBILITY," no I'm not, you cannot assume such things of me when you're only seeing me talking about a very real issue that I and many others face.

Stop reblogging and posting about how much you love and support "unsavoury" symptoms and conditions but then turn around and treat those very same people like absolute shit.

And don't get me started on how autistics like to treat other autistics just because their autism happens to be different.

I'm sorta fuzzy so it's super hard to really articulate or parse together what I'm trying to say properly but I hope what I'm trying to say comes across. Ableism within disabled and mentally ill communities fucking suck. Learn to actually care about and support people with symptoms and conditions you can't romanticize.

[jamieedlund]

What's ur favorite hc for Aaravos?

This is a surprisingly hard question to unpack for a lot of reasons- but I'll do my best to articulate myself (ง •_•)ง

I think this spoke for itself but just in case, here is a short elaboration: if I had to pick a favorite, it would have to be this.

He is someone who - despite all of the odds, despite how the world treated to him, despite being ridiculed, subjected to the worst torture known to man(yes solitary confinement is considered one of the most inhumane methods of torture) for over 300 years and had his name dragged through the mud for literal centuries-

-could still smile so brightly and sincerely like that, affirming that he does, with all of his heart, still very much love this world. However twisted that love might be, however difficult it was for him to learn how to use and express that love in a healthy way, it still speaks volume about who he is as a person.

Now if you have the time, allow me to explain bellow. If not, stop here, the question is basically answered 🙏💗 Thank you for reading!

Hello, if you're reading this that means you are willing to listen/read more about my thoughts and therefore I expect you to have a leveled head and a polite attitude to what I'm about to say.

If not then why are you here there was LITERALLY A STOP BUTTON. Please click off this post, what are you doing with your life wasting it hate watching me? 

With that being said, hello! fellow polite person who is reading this - - - Spoiler there is no illust down here because I'm running low on time on my thesis I'm so sorry ;;A;; Here is the elaboration to why this is my default favorite headcanon!

While I am aware of the amount of WILDLY different headcanons that exist out there for him, which are very popular within the fandom and even taken as gospel, I strongly feel that mine isn't really aligned with some, if not most of the hc out there at all.

Personally, I don't even agree with the canon version of in him ss4.

I'm assuming that you are asking me about my- personal favorite headcanon for him so for now, my answer will be: Ignoring the terrible characterization of him in season 4, my absolute favorite thing about him has to be: Despite everything, despite what everyone says about him, despite how the world perceives him

He is

without a doubt

Someone who loves this world very much.

Again this all ties in with what I'm going to present in my thesis, so I can't elaborate on it too much without giving any spoilers to the case I'm going to present for him. But for now, and especially right now at the time of writing this, they just released another vaguely worded and filled to the brim with plot holes short story regarding his past ... I-- hm I sincerely have no intention to keep up with the series... Therefore my hc will definitely contradict vastly with the horrendous plot holes ridden pre-established canon

-which then made the act of answering to this question exceedingly difficult due to the way I personally perceive him.

To wrap it up, all I want to say is, we could have had it all, a character who would make us cry, laugh and want to root for, had they written him with love and care, rather than trying to stuff him into the shoes a villain, which just felt forced and unnatural. Villains who are terrible only to be stopped have been overdone, and for tdp to be another generic show is a huge waste of potential

Wouldn't most of us have killed for, finally, an antagonist who isn't actually the antagonist but rather the very system that these people are experiencing is the actual villain ? ? ?

Best of all, they could have contrasted this with Callum, our protagonist. In Callum's case, despite being portrayed as one of "the good guys" or "heroes", he has all the reason to hate the world. This in turn create a complex narrative about the nature of people - Or in this case, the hero acting morally righteous despite hating the world vs the guy who was deemed evil and terrible by the world and yet still loves it with all of his heart. It could have been a heart-warming story about how two individuals find their way in this messed up world-- but nope~ non of this is canon :DDD

When in the history of television has any shows have a twist with the "hero" and "villain" ditching their role immediately to become a neutral party to reflect all the flaws in the world they live in? ? ? TDP had the perfect setup, but then proceeded to drop all of the balls spectacularly in ss4...

I always try my best to not touch ss4 but it feels almost impossible to talk about Aaravos w/out addressing the disservice that it did to his character. And that is all, I have to say for now~

Sincerely, thank you for reading.

[astriiformes]

One of the things I struggle to articulate about my depression is that it's like... violent, which I'm sure I am not unique for, especially among people with some of my other comorbidities like PTSD, but is also not really the stereotype.

Like I do get the sluggishness/slowness, and decreased desire to do or participate in anything -- yesterday there was a point where I was walking to the train station where I genuinely thought I might just collapse and sit in the middle of the sidewalk, because I didn't feel like I had the energy to take another step. But when I'm lying listlessly in bed or staring off into space because I can't focus on my surroundings, there's this awful, internal berating myself that quickly turns to intrusive thoughts about how I should hurt myself, how everyone would be better off if I was dead, and violent, visceral suicidal or self-harming imagery that I can't make stop. It is genuinely terrifying and traumatizing to go through, and it's probably good that it happens in my low-energy moments so I'm less likely to go through with anything.

But I don't know how to explain that to anyone in-person other than some of my closest friends because I'm scared it will get me hospitalized again or that it will be too upsetting or traumatizing for them to hear about. So I just tell people I'm "depressed" and don't elaborate on the fact that for me that actually looks more like a self-guided tour of the layers of Hell.

Anyways guess who lay awake for hours and hours last night vividly having his brain show him a plethora of ways he could die as well as repeatedly insisting that he deserved it and needs like. A break.

[mavis-merry-magnolia]

next question

i think you will like this one...

what parts of hanekawa makes her your favorite? give me the full blorbo thoughtdump 😈

OH so you want it to be go time? It's go time? I suppose it's go time.

Note I am NOT a writer or well articulated so this is going to be ALL over the place fdjkhds.

So just to begin, Hanekawa is such a fun and mysterious character for a lot of Bakemonogatari. She's literally the first character we're introduced to properly other than Koyomi. And their very first scene already establishes that they have some history together, what with her seemingly being Koyomi's only friend. And shows us a couple flashes of Black Hanekawa but refusing to elaborate. And the season just continues to drip feed us that there is just something UP with the sweet little glasses wearing student council president. Allusions to spring break, and Something happening during Golden Week that Koyomi and Meme don't really elaborate on much. Her genuinely offputting comments about the way Koyomi hitting Mayoi and how he's "supposed" to do it, combined with the fact she could see Mayoi at ALL once it's revealed what exactly Mayoi is and how her mechanics work. The fact that whenever she's on the phone she's NEVER at home, always wandering the streets. It builds up so much subtle intrigue in what the hell is going on with her behind the scenes, given that Koyomi basically outright idolizes her and talks up how amazing and perfect she is in most cases.

I'm a very big fan of these kinds of setups for characters and their arcs. It's why i'm currently so fascinated with how information and scenes regarding Ougi are being dripped out and revealed across Second Season. But I digress.

And then Tsubasa Cat rolls around and begins to shed some light on just exactly how NOT okay she is by revealing information on her home life, as well as the beginnings of exactly what the hell went down during golden week. It's at this point that the narrative starts to pick at the part of her that it's kept hidden so far. How much of her Good Girl act is a raw self defense mechanism for her. She's never had anyone she could actually open up to like Koyomi before. She just so...casually talks about the abuse she's suffered to him.

To go on a small tangent, a character trait about Koyomi that I like is that he's really willing to throw himself under the bus for the sake of cheering others up if need be. During the talk where Hanekawa talks about her father hitting her, he realizes that he can't really...do anything about it, and can see that she's getting really upset and desperate when she asks him not to tell anyone. So he starts going on a goofy little pervy bit to cheer her up, since she likes his weird sense of humor. It's a really sweet moment for them.

Anyway, back on topic. Not to detail my own life all too much but, the way Hanekawa defends herself from her environment and the world around her hits VERY close to home with my own experiences. As someone who's had to constantly mask and people please her whole life, it hits so close to home seeing how she handles all of that and...the consequences it has, in the form of Black Hanekawa.

This is just me speaking entirely from my own experiences but, learning from the Nekomono Duology that ultimately even with the influence of the Sawari Neko, Black Hanekawa is STILL Hanekawa, hit really close to home, in the way that when stresses in my life build up like this, due to my own masking and outright rejection or ignoring of them, it manifests in....destructive episodes. I start thinking, talking, and acting erratically in a way that doesn't feel like Me at all. I've ended up nearly permanently damaging very close and important relationships to myself several times because of this. I don't feel like myself at all, like I become a totally different person. And, I dunno, I just...I really felt something seeing Tsubasa be pushed to her breaking point and lashing out at everything around her in a similar way. It made me really...invested. In seeing where her character would go after that.

Augh and speaking of where her character goes like...I've mentioned it in past posts but I love how absolutely dynamic of a character she is too. Like, we've gotten to see her ENTIRE journey through this story. From her mysterious introduction in Bake, seeing her chronological introduction in Kizumonogatari and just...seeing how MUCH her and Koyomi went through together. With Kizu you can just...it's SO easy to see how Tsubasa fell in love with him. Their budding friendship and complicated feelings for one another through the story arc are SO sweet and precious to me. Like. For every part of her that's a front, she really is just a sweetheart underneath it all. She just isn't able to express it all healthily. I mean, her persistence and care managed to break through Koyomi's shell at his MOST soggiest and cringiest. And then Nise...while she doesn't appear much, I REALLY like how she's shown here, taking the aftermath of Tsubasa Cat where everyone just kinda...puts a bandaid on the situation.

Okay doubling back to talk about that, something that I think makes Tsubasa Cat stand out compared to the other 4 Bake arcs is that each of the other arcs resolve themselves pretty soundly? Like yeah we know that down the road more complications arise but, looking at the story in the order it's written, pretty much all of the arcs have a solid and happy end. But that doesn't really happen with Tsubasa Cat, because the issue of Hanekawa being unable to express her feelings just isn't addressed at all. We just go back to ignoring it and hoping for the best. And I love how Tsubasa tries to give off the air that something has changed. Wearing contacts and cutting her hair. Hair cutting being a pretty common symbolism of change and all. But...it's both superficial. It's another act, and I love it. I've been there myself so many times. Acting like i've made a big change to fix something going wrong when really...it's a lie i'm telling myself and to others.

And then there's the Nekomono Duology just, making EVERYTHING come full circle. The full explanation of just What Black Hanekawa is and how she relates to how Tsubasa is. Tsubasa spending time with Hitagi, who helps her start to break down some of the barriers she's put up, with their discussion of cooking among other things. Kako manifesting at a time that Koyomi is NOT there anymore for her to fall back on and depend on, forcing her to take what she learned from spending time with Hitagi, Karen and Tsukihi to heart and just...coming to terms with herself. ALL parts of herself. Tsubasa, Black Hanekawa, and Kako all together. Finally coming to change herself for REAL and make REAL steps towards healing and growth, symbolized far more proper by Black Hanekawa and Kako's white hair mixing with her natural black....it all comes together so wonderfully. And it's really helped me start to figure myself out in a similar way and make real, ACTUAL changes for the better for myself.

It's the narrative in Monogatari that has hit me the absolute hardest to date and I love every second devoted to it.

...and on a much less personal level, I just think she's really funny and cute in how she bounces off of all the other FREAKS in this cast. It's hard to call anyone in Monogatari "Normal" but I think she plays a hilarious straightman in most situations she's thrust into.

Gods and I've barely even talked about Black Hanekawa or Kako have I? Silly cat and Angy cat. The fact that Yui Horie can have such a distinct range for Tsubasa and Black Hanekawa is amazing, on top of the fact she has to pepper all those nyas into her speech too. I just love that the manifestation of Tsubasa's repressed stress and feelings is just acting like a silly catgirl who fucking GETS you. I wish that's how my stress manifestations were.

I've been typing this for like, an hour and I still feel like there's more I can say jdkhdf.

Basically. I love her so much. All of her. And she's been helping me understand and come to love all of me too.

[villanesus]

Maaaasoooon *squishes you like a green blob* 🙃

Romance. What is that to you? What do you find romantic? And were there scenes in KE where according to your definition of it, there was romance between V and E? (Sorry sometimes I ask the questions so stupidly, I'm sure one could as this much more elogently or just more simple but, well I apparently can't 🙈)

Pistachio :) Your questions are articulated just fine. Quit being hard on yourself, you goose.

I’m gonna answer this one a little out of order. I’m going to start with Villaneve and then talk about myself.

I’d say romance between Villanelle and Eve is best demonstrated through their flirting gestures that rely on attention to detail and oneupmanship. It’s a mix of, “Look at how much attention I pay to you” and “Look how infuriating I am ❤️.” Some examples!

(source)

Sorry Baby x

While I think Villanelle intends for the clothes and perfume to be romantic, I personally feel the more romantic piece is the note. It somewhat acknowledges killing Bill. Is she actually sorry? Nah. The clothes being a perfect fit is the attention to detail and the note is the cheeky, “look at me, I lured an agent away to his very public death” second half of the dynamic.

When Eve leaves the Sorry Baby x in return, same exact thing. She has no real remorse for stealing the passport and money. Eve wants Villanelle to know that she figured her out. She knew enough about Vil to find the stuff and used the note as a way to signal the oneupmanship.

(source)

Love in an Elevator

I love this one. The elaborate lengths to which Villanelle goes to slip this lipstick into Eve’s purse. The hint of the name being just enough for Villanelle to show that, “I know you’re still watching me and I know you’re smart enough to figure this out.” Then the hidden blade is the cute asshole piece. And Eve loves it.

You Left Your Door Open

A lot of the ways Villanelle shows care for Eve strike me as romantic, but I think Eve probably doesn’t notice them. In 2x05 when Vil tells her to lock her door, asks her about the legality of what they’re doing to the Ghost, etc. I even think the scene where she breaks into Eve’s house and fucks around with her stuff is romantic. I know the framing is more like Vil is bored, but I think she just wants to be close to Eve and the messing around bit is in keeping with the peculiar flirting.

(source)

How Much of Your Day Do You Spend Thinking about Her?

Eve isn’t amazing at romance, in my opinion. She’s a little too chaotic and self-involved for it. But I think her little freak outs over Villanelle are a type of romance. Worrying about her during the Peel case. Talking to Martin about her feelings. That goofy-ass little scene on the scooter. The fact that she’s the first one to turn around on the bridge. Etc. They’re sort of subtle and discrete, but still something.

Them’s my thoughts on V&E’s romance. :)

About romance from my own perspective. Um, romance is kind of confusing for me. I’m not sure if this is my autism speaking or what, but I find it difficult to differentiate between being a thoughtful friend and being romantic?

Giving gifts, making gestures, planning surprises—all things you can do for a friend. And since I already have chronic giving-very-extra-gifts syndrome, the only real distinction between a friend gift and a romantic gift appears to be one’s intent and the context of the relationship. Or, if the gift is coded with traditionally romance-associated things and/or it’s overtly sexual (but aromantics exist, so even that is murky to me, since something can be sexual and not romantic).

So. I can describe things I would be happy to receive as romantic, but my definition of romantic is just sorta busted. If someone shows me they’re thinking about me or gets me a little treat, I’m happy to code that as romantic. I like hidden things—like you find a little note or a chocolate in your pocket later in the day when the person isn’t around—those make me happy. Demonstrating through small gestures that they notice details about me (a la V&E but maybe without the breaking and entering). I would be supremely weirded out to receive like…flowers or a poem or something. That would signal to me that the person doesn’t really know me very well, which kind of breaks the attention to detail bit.

Hope that is a sufficiently weird answer. :)

[lcatala]

Writer bio/introduction + current project

Alright, since I'm going to be on tumblr, might as well do a brief intro of what I'm about and what I'm currently working on.

So, I'm L. Catala (they/them), I'm an aspiring fantasy and horror writer living in France, altho I write primarily in English. I'm 38, weakly identify as aro/ace (I'm not big on labels for myself, but that seems to be "close enough" as far describing my experience go). High suspicion of having ADHD, but I haven't managed to get a diagnosis yet (working on it); might have some autistic traits too but I'm less directly interested in finding out about that, it doesn't get "in the way" like this suspected ADHD does.

As of writing this, my favorite movie is 2001: A Space Odyssey, and my favorite book might well be Harrow the Ninth (book 2 of the Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir). I have a deeply nihilistic worldview which I'll get into details some other time, but this is not a "sad" nihilism, I find that the meaninglessness of everything is a freeing notion rather than a depressing one. I'm trained in linguistics and enjoy dissecting grammar, especially from a historical perspective.

I've written a bunch of short stories and fan fictions here and there on the internet or in fanzines, under various other pennames, + one shelved literary novel, but nothing professionally published so far, which I hope will eventually change.

My current project, [Cor Tenebrarum] (placeholder name), is an adult dark fantasy standalone novel with strong elements of horror (notably body horror, existential horror and cosmic horror). It's also xenofiction: all the protagonists are non-human (in fact they're non-humanoid).

It takes place on Haze, a world which at the time of the story is stuck in a tropical climate worldwide and year-round, constantly wrapped in warm fogs and heavy rain, the sky always hidden behind thick clouds and a dense atmosphere, a world without seasons where every living species reproduces asexually.

The one self-aware species of this world is that of the Freewalkers, six-eyed and six-limbed creatures who among other unusual features have quills that are used both for defense and for hearing, have an insect-like mouth with external, articulated-mouthparts, "smell" through their mouths, have 3 horns where you'd expect a nose to be, a long tail, a segmented body with an internal skeletton, and walk with a gait similar to that of pangolin: they can walk on 6, 4 or 2 limbs without changing their posture much, hence "Freewalkers".

At the time and place of the story, the Freewalkers form a fledgeling civilization of prehistoric farmers, cultivating mushroom-trees in the mountains with elaborate stone tools and living in permanent stone dwellings.

The farmers are over from afar by the Gaunts, a small group of of feared and reviled Freewalkers with a unusual physical appearance and mysterious powers, who live hidden in the deep and dark forest made of light-draining trees that occupies the nearby valleys.

The story follows Lungfish, a child among the farmers, whose life is one day thrown into chaos when Nightjar, one of the Gaunt leaders, show up unannounced and declare that Lungfish is themself a Gaunt, after which Lungfish's body starts to transform and adopt the traits of a Gaunt. The village turns against Lungfish who has no choice but to follow Nightjar to the forest.

In the forest, Nightjar tells of how a great danger is threatening the peace between the farmers and the Gaunts, and how Lungfish will have an importantant role to play in preventing the worst. But Lungfish isn't listening, Lungfish can't bring themself to trust Nightjar, and instead decides that they must find a way, any way, to undo their Gaunt transformation, even as time seems to quickly runs out, with the conflict between the farmers and Gaunts escalating steadily, and Lungfish's own Gaunt powers flaring out of control and rapidly distorting their body and mind.

---

At this stage I have a broad outline of the whole story, with character and thematic arc nailed down, and I'm currently doing research in order to develop how the characters will speak — in order to "translate" the alienness of the setting, I will have the different characters (including the first person narration of Lungfish) be in invented dialects based on mixture of real non-standard varieties (it will all be in standard spelling, mostly playing on things like word order and such). Once this is done I'll make a more detailed outline, and then hopefully from there will get into a first draft (I have been working on this for more than 2 years already).

Some inspirations for this book include:

Movies:

The Dark Crystal, Apocalypse Now, Dead Man, The Lighthouse, Hedgehog in the Fog, The Land Before Time, Excalibur, Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors, Altered States, Jacob's Ladder, Dark City, 12 Monkeys and the movies of David Cronenberg.

Books:

The Locked Tomb series (especially book 2, Harrow the Ninth), Annihilation, the Masquerade (especially book 2, The Monster Baru Cormorant), The Broken Earth trilogy, the manga series version of Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Spiderlight, the Quest for the Time Bird graphic novel.

Video games:

LIMBO, Hyper Light Drifter

And the paintings of Beksinski.

[titoist]

attempting to articulate to myself the details of the afore-mentioned "character"(maybe), "persona"(debatably), "compulsion to twist myself into the shape of someone else out of a chronic fear of my own perceived deficiency as a person"(almost certainly) - because i figure that this is something, that, mmm... it can only do me good to know more about the inner workings of. i suppose there are a few crucial factors, here, that strike me; 1.) my description of it as "a childlike drive to convince others i'm intelligent" is certainly getting at the very core dynamic at play, & it's easy to understand & explain as that, for sure..... but i do think, because of that simplicity, it's rendered sort of crudely, & not really getting the whole picture... i would say that it wasn't even so much about personal intelligence, as it was a sense of... personal wiseness? it wasn't about a want for people to be awed that i know mathematics, it was about a want for people to be awed by my descriptions, my personal insights... a want for my character to be mystic, drawing, compelling. perhaps i wanted to seem in control of myself, in the absence of that actually being true - or... something analogous. it isn't quite the strict definition of "intelligence" one might be inclined to imagine, at first... but, okay, okay, okay, okay... i've kind of backtread & elaborated on that to the point of tedium. i get it. clears throat and shuffles papers. let's see here... 2.) it kind of plausibly maybe possibly probably likely definitely certainly reinforced my not-so-dramatic addiction to relaying my thoughts online, ergo, my 'addiction' to receiving validation. which strikes me as a little strange, right? i was receiving validation for behavior which i felt, even then, was a bit viscerally removed from myself... if one were logically following that sense of dissonance, the hypothesis would be that I'd feel nothing at all from that praise, since it's fundamentally directed at something other than myself. but i think i get how it slots into place... when you're pretending to be something that you're not, but would like to be, any validation might correspond, subjectively, to you, as validation that you are that wanted self - that adult at the end of the rainbow. and it feels like the most wonderful, self-affirming, beautiful thing in the world. you feel at ease with yourself - you feel like an enlarged version of yourself, a gust of godlikeness may pass through you, etc, all that i described in an earlier post... and then, once again, the edge reasserts itself. you come to know that if an identity is constructed who's comfort and justification is purely & exclusively by virtue of external validation, then that identity can only be sustained by continual validation. you can only ever hope to keep chasing that initial high, and you double down harder & harder each time, because there's never enough. you start to think that you're crumbling down, fading, and if you've managed to truly convince yourself that the pretend-identity was your identity... well.... that's the tricky part - it's like an addict desperately taking a twelfth hit, attempting to regain the nirvana of their first. or, like, uh, i don't know, a guy who's falling down a set of infinite stairs with gradually increasing velocity. so unceremoniously &, in plain terms, deconstructing this phenomenon has been both... relieving, & frightening, in equal amounts. it's a sense equivalent to finalistically ripping the curtain back, skinning something, coring it. now that it's been so atomized, i can't really hope to return back to it. i mean, hopefully. that's sort of the point. awkwardly fumbles with microphone. and i guess that's that!

[onewomancitadel]

WOW. Incredible response. I havent read your fic yet but now I am seriously considering it. I walked into this blog thinking Jaune/Cinder was just some weird crack ship. I believed all the typical stuff I see you mention like "she 2 evul theres no way!" lol but as I continued reading I slowly started to realize that this ship made sense. A LOT of sense. Im still trying to overcome my "you cant date a villain" programming but your posts are peeling back the layers of my biases. Again, thank you.

(Context).

This is a lovely message, thank you! I'm very glad you enjoyed my response. Most of all, whether or not you agree with what I say here, I just hope you enjoy figuring things out on your own and come to your own conclusions.

The reason why I take issue with that idea of 'you can't date a villain' er, programming, as you say, is because I think it's an idea taken for granted that doesn't appreciate what an individual story be trying to say... and I think trying to unpack some of our assumptions about the way stories should work is interesting. I am a big fan of R/WBY, for instance, and I wonder what it is about my background that makes me different from others who really don't like, say - let's get polemic here - Penny or Ironwood's character arcs.

So, I think that if you come to your own conclusions and draw your own boundaries about what you're comfortable with in fiction and you still don't like villains, redemption arcs, or - anything, really - you are more than allowed to do that, and you certainly don't need my permission to do so to begin with.

On the other hand, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and respectfully interact with me, even if we're not necessarily working on the same wavelength (or might be working towards that? lol), and I was (and am) more than happy to elaborate on my ideas - particularly when sometimes things that are obvious to me are not necessarily obvious to you. I can point you to posts that might be helpful (if I can find them) and tags, or I am happy to expand as well... I am actually very happy to interact with people, and getting a good anon is really fun to respond to.

The question of Jaune/Cinder as a rarepair as opposed to a crackship is something we've discussed before, and I've had an anon before say very recently to me that they believed the same thing:

Oh yeah, we have had the crackship vs. rarepair debate before (and somewhere back September last year I responded to an ask by redhoodhungergames about Knightfall as a rarepair but I can't find it), and the linguistic evolution of conflating rarepair with crackship meanwhile crackships nevertheless take on fandom precedence due to panfandom baggage (e.g. searching to insert the same archetypes irrespective of canon context and pairing them together even if wholesale inventing most of the characterisation).

So, that's rather interesting... once you see and don't just look...

Nyeheheheh.

Personally I feel on this level Jaune/Cinder works as a successful twist, which whether or not it's in everybody's personal favour, has strong motivation in favour for it. (Or, let's say that Knightfall being controversial might be a reason in favour for it).

Regarding my fic, you are welcome to read it ('it' being my longfic, but there are others on my profile... you may not want to get to those first though lol) but do spare me if you don't enjoy it. (; There's no pressure though, and really I just wanted to emphasise that I don't think of myself as a professional meta writer, and also that I genuinely struggled to intellectually articulate 'why' they ought to love each other... it's something very emotional to me.

Also, from what I've been told and the vibe I get from my readers, my fic doesn't exactly follow the form of other R/WBY fics, and that can be a good or a bad thing depending on individual taste. I'm not trying to make it sound more than it is, just if you have certain expectations, it might be affronting. I'm not trying to sound pretentious or anything or make it sound like more than it is, but why I'm wary about recommending my work at all is because a) it's intensely personal and b) I don't read other R/WBY fic and come from a literary background and really emphasise the mythic/fairytale/literary elements of R/WBY. So, what you see here about the way I talk about R/WBY canon definitely influences my writing.

I am definitely happy to expand on any more topics, I did link you the Knightfall masterpost and I can talk about other R/WBY ships if that would help.

Now, on a more specific point about Cinder being too evil: that's the really interesting part because Knightfall is linked to Cinder's redemption arc. So to understand Knightfall you need a coherent theory of redemption and redemption in R/WBY. I don't read this romance as happening independently of her redemption arc, so anything I say under my Cindemption tag is equally applicable to how one needs to view Knightfall. I enjoy the idea that Cinder's meant to be the Fall Maiden (redeeming our perspective of the power - as more than just a powerlevel - through her perspective), and Jaune's meant to finally help (and fall in love with) this Fall Maiden... just not the one you thought. It's bittersweet, but it ends on a hopeful note.

Knightfall is the thematic lynchpin to everything I think is valuable and interesting and at the heart of R/WBY, from Ozlem to the Maiden power to how the heroes will prevail and what it means to be heroic... it's one part of the picture, for sure, it's not the Jaune and Cinder Show, but I think that's part of what makes the ship really beautiful, the fact it's this essential connection against an epic backdrop.

I can never predict if something goes wrong in the story, but I do feel satisfied that things I thought were going to happen have happened in the show based on the way I intuited them... so they do have some sense of coherent storytelling and foreshadowing. The reason I bring up Penny and Ironwood is because I felt those story points were self-evident and flagged very effectively, and thematically justified... cue me logging onto Tumblr and seeing otherwise lol. So, I feel like I have some understanding of the show and why it does things the way it does, and that's why I feel taking other Jaune or Cinder ships for granted is terribly dangerous, because I've seen other things taken for granted - like Penny becoming a new main character and joining the cast and having Friendship Hijinks - that ended in a lot of intense personal pain for people. Similarly to them, though, I would never want to lead anybody astray (not that they did, but I am talking about some stuff that is very emotionally... touching, let's say), and so that's why I think coming to your own conclusion is necessary. And more fun. (:

It is very interesting to receive this ask because yes, I've had a few people say as much as you're saying, and what I'm personally wondering is how the show seeks to accomplish this (this potential change of opinion). As a Cinder fan for a long time, it's been interesting to see more sympathy for her after V8, for instance. I would say now is as good a time as any to be a Cinder fan, which is really saying something for how bad it used to be lol.

As I said, Knightfall would be a crazy twist (so would Cindemption for those who don't see it coming) and it would recontextualise their characters together... and to me I think really justify both of them lol. So there's a lot wrapped up in it that's really interesting.

Thanks again for your lovely ask and hope you have a good day. Thank you for your genuine interest and being so considerate! <3 <3

[kaijucrushed]

Cycling through my "i feel broken and pathetic" thoughts today :(

I'm incredibly demisexual / gray-ace ... I forget its not the norm quite often. The thought of sleeping with anybody that isn't my boyfriend makes me sick to my stomach (excluding fantasies explicitly with f/os), I have never found anybody that I am not explicitly romantically into sexually attractive. The thought of having casual one night stands with friends/strangers makes me nauseated, random hook-ups elude me. I've never once in my life looked at a person and wanted to sleep with them, or just randomly decided to because an opportunity arises.

People flirt with me at parties and I think its just fun banter, yay! silly jokes and making new friends, until you can tell the second they become disinterested in talking to me the moment I mention having a partner.

Like, sure, I personally love masturbating and I find it much more satisfying than actual sex. I know myself best, what works, how much my messed up organs can handle. Pleasing my partner is a fun activity that I really enjoy simply for the closeness, being together, knowing I'm making someone feel good ... its just nice and intimate. Having sex with somebody isn't something I NEED in order to live - and I know folks who have serious sexual frustration over just not fucking for 3 days ??? Baffling. I can go for years and I'm totally fine, toys are there for a reason and I can handle myself >< """

I have a lot of weird sexual trauma and other bullshit that has deeply entangled my mind, and I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and feeling unwanted due to exes treating me poorly - using me and discarding me for others all the time. The whole I give, I give, and give but no single thank you or returning the favor .. which, like, i don't NEED to be fucked. But in the specific circumstances I endured it just hurt a lot. I'm not elaborating and IYKYK.

This all boils down to one of my friends making out with another friend at a party last night and in the same night fucking a completely different friend just spontaneously. Obviously nothing wrong, everyone can do whatever they want, no shame. But I just think about it and my brain starts throwing up and shriveled up instantly at the thought of ever being in that position.

And then I get confused with myself because I feel horny all the time and I really enjoy getting myself off, but horny =/= attraction and its never directed at anybody. Its just a thing that occurs in my body and I take care of it. Serotonin, loving myself, etc ... feel very broken. I've always preferred fictional characters over people, porn depicting them, etc.

I do enjoy gay porn SPECIFICALLY for projection reasons due to wishing I had a penis but I don't find the people attractive or want to fuck any of the people I see ... they're just there ... and I enjoy big clit/clit dick content for the same reasons. Just projection. Things I want, things I find desirable to HAVE/BE but not in the "ohh I can't not fuck them" sense. Its weird! I can't articulate it!

In my mind I enjoy the idea of being lusted over, flirted with, somebody trying to court me, etc. The minute it actually happens in reality I want to kill myself. The last time I tried entertaining the idea of having a fwb to see if id actually be into it ended up with being harassed by a sex pest! Never fucking again! I still have nightmares and body memories about it! I don't want anything like this ever again!

[followedhomethenkilled]

Lucky me. I didn't send that with intention of any follow-ups but I have to admit the acknowledgement is giving me hubris and I'm sure it's fun for you to be get to show off the infatuation displayed in your inbox.  The attractiveness aspect is layered but to some degree immature. I revisit your photos and am simply attracted to you. I enjoy brown eyed men with long hair. The way you articulate yourself through text is appealing. I can't tell you absolutely everything or I lose my appeal and might even be identifiable which would defeat the purpose on my account wouldn't it? The intrigue; Now this I can elaborate on. You are openly a somewhat unhinged individual. On this blog at least. It's probably no surprise to you that someone interested in you specifically would also be unglued to some degree. I don't see people like you often, much less approach them. Your preference toward sexual violence and gore are things that make me curious. I like that I can't tell if you view yourself as predator or prey. I imagine if we spoke directly it would probably be ugly, which adds a bit more excitement since doing what I'm doing now feels more risqué. You don't want to get to know me, I'm sure what you want is for me to continue my flattery, which I am. I'm a considerate guy in that way. In fact I could list your less obscene traits I find appeal in and that would probably seem much more compassionate, but I'm no tender lover and neither of us benefit from that. Anything else you want me to tell you, Magnus?

🗡️

I think we’re both getting off on this, sweet thing. On the attention. Let it get to your head.

Thank you for the compliments, genuinely (I’m vain, not rude). I like how I make myself look. I take pride in my writing, and what I do—I get violent, I get passionate, I get ugly. I eat and am eaten. Simply a part of the food chain.

(But really—I’m versatile. You don’t seem to be picky either. There’s a question: what do you prefer?)

My function, what I do, is to express “bad” emotions and behaviors. I do the things that make the brain I use shiver, make the skin I live in crawl. I combat being the things we have to be by being the things I want to be. And if who I want to be is a junkie asshole poet with a hardon for all things brutal, then so be it. If someone like you finds tenderness in that, then so be it.

I wonder what you mean when you worry that I’ll “identify” you. I wonder what you mean when you say I don’t want to get to know you. Silly boy, why wouldn’t I? The better I know my pets the deeper under their skin I can get. I don’t even know what to call you yet.