#and i badically ran away and left campus when someone else asked
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i haven't been to class or campus in a few days bc i'm having a tough time and i'm kind of upset none of my friends have noticed or reached out
#i don't think it's healthy or fair to like withdraw to make people reach out and stuff#but i stopped going to class for other reasons#and idk i'm upset no one noticed#or is reaching out#they shouldn't have to but like#i frequently get anxious and doubt their my friends#and tbh they're involved in drama where they're not treating someone who's probably neurodivergent well#and they know i'm autistic so really it's only a matter of time before i become the person they don't trest well#especially with#idk with how one of them reacted to someone else in the group talking about how adhd executive function stuff#can make it hard for him to shower so's he's got all these idk coping mechanisms in place#and she was just so disgusted by that#and her disgust was all i could think about this past few days bc i wasn't showering from depression#idk one of my friends from home who i love dearly and am confident that we're actually friends#has talked about how this group of people aren't the greatest#snd yeah#they have a lot of communication flaws i don't like (beyond this stuff)#and i just don't understand why i'm so desperate to be their friend#when i'm just a little to the left of someone they already hatee#and i've been trying to fix how i interact with the person they hate#bc wanting to be this group's friend so bad resulted in me being a terrible person to the one they hate#idek if this is coherent i'm sorry#i'm confused. i don't understand why i feel the need to be their friend so bad when they haven't even noticed i'm gone#and i'm so ashamed of how i acted towards the other person#and i'm trying to be better but like that doesn't take away from what i've done#but also this entire thing is incredibly stupid of me bc i feel physically ill when people tell me they worry about me#so like why do i even want them to reach out to me???#i cried when my dad texted me that he's worried about me today#and i badically ran away and left campus when someone else asked#sorry this is a massive vent i'm probably gonna delete this later i just feel so off rn
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