#and i absolutely don't let anything someone says about their gender have any relevance to another person because. they're different people

[oofensteinsmonster]

Detransitioning.

First and foremost I want to address the transphobic people/right wing/terfs in the room and say this isn't for you. You are not allowed to take my story and use it to deny gender affirming care to trans folk. If anything I want it ABUNDANTLY clear that my access to both hormones and spaces to explore my identity is what rooted my self esteem and made me who I am today, even if my identity looks different than it did a year ago, and I have absolutely no regrets about the decisions I made for my body. I was informed of the process every step of the way, I did all of my research, I knew exactly what was going to happen. Kapeesh?

Kaposh.

With that out of the way.

I will be referring to my genders in the third person when I feel it is relevant to alluding to how the situations made me feel. I do not have multiple personalities, but the following situations did cause me to disassociate from aspects of myself.

My experience with my gender has always been at odds. I grew up without a positive and consistent mother figure in a misogynistic southern state, and the male figures in my life were turbulent and terrifying. This mattered to me as someone who mirrors what they see in order to understand the behavior. My friends before I became a teenager were mostly boys because I enjoyed rough housing, games, and exploring the neighborhood. When the adults started separating my age group by sex I had a hard time relating to the girls in my age group who were already flirting with the boys and trying on make up. It wasn't that I didn't like boys (or girls for that matter), quite the opposite, and it wasn't that I didn't like make up or clothes or traditionally feminine things, it's just that I didn't have a lot of experience with that stuff and when I did try it out I was laughed at because I wasn't allowed to be feminine at that point, but because I was a girl I also wasn't allowed to be masculine.

If I played with dolls I was called a sissy, and if I built forts with the guys and wore traditionally boyish clothes I was called a gay slur by my father, or by the older neighborhood boys…and eventually by my friends as well.

There wasn't a safe place for me to retreat into as far as identity went, every outfit felt alien, and eventually I fell into being reclusive and kept to myself.

When I entered my 20s and moved to Texas I was introduced to the idea of different gender identities and it felt right.

I was able to experiment, and for the first time I had positive feedback. I could be feminine, I could be masculine, I could be both and neither. It was liberating and for most of the decade, while I had considered physical changes, like hrt, I was mostly content with where I was and who I was.

This was until my last relationship.

For the sake of the story let's call him Red. Red came into my life at a time that I desired a more assertive lover, and because I am also kinky, I needed a Dominate. This is just my prefered dynamic, I don't buy into that alpha male “all women/femmes need to be subjugated” bullshit, it's a kink that happens to coexist with my more docile and domestic nature, but I can and will still put on my own pair of boots and be a boss bitch when the situation calls for it you feel me? Great. I also want to mention that other than this situation I've had nothing but great experiences in the kink community and am not trying to blame kink on my trauma in any way, shape, or form. It is a community founded on consent, and the people that ignore that are ignoring what makes said community what it is and what it stands for.

Carrying on.

Red started off being everything I thought I needed. I mistook tolerance as acceptance and celebration because I wanted so badly for everything he fed me to be true. He was my “twin flame” *vomit* my Sir, my Master, he saw what he thought I needed and he gave it to me.

At a price….always….at a price.

Without going too much into detail, because I still have a lot of process and heal on that front, he took my feminine side …and used her well past the point of my consent. She was raped in every sense of the word. Abused. Objectified. My traits were no longer my own, they were simply a fetish. I wasn't beautiful anymore, I was “sexy”. My name that I had fashioned for myself for 10 years was discarded for one that he gave me, which in D/s is fine, except he'd only use my real one when he was upset or angry. I was no longer myself, I was what he wanted me to be, and because of that and because of never being given time or space to come back into myself I eventually completely detached from my femininity. I buried her far beneath where I thought he couldn't find her just to keep her safe.

But I still had my masculine side, who

…did not embody my rage and grief but rather helped me juggle them. He held them when I was tired of carrying them around, and when the time came he helped me stand my ground when I finally got rid of Red and his influence in my life.

It was easy for me to assume that this was my true form, and because I'd always batted around the idea of hormones, I decided to try them out. It was a low dose, because in my state of mind I understood that diving in head first was not the wisest decision ( FOR ME…you hear me terfs? F o r. m e. ) I started going by a different name, I cut my hair (note: Korean boy band hair not my best look ) I put away all my dresses ( in my car, just in case ) ( clothes don't have a gender but this was my process ) and that's what I embodied for 7 months.

And I had a wonderful experience with it! My support structure was unmatched, my household never struggled with addressing me by what I wanted to be addressed by, my friends were super supportive the whole journey, my assigned Doctor was extremely clear and concise and never once did anyone make me feel “less than”. It was part of me I needed to pay attention to and explore, even without the trauma that led me there I still think I would have ended up wanting to experiment the way that I did. My masculinity became a place to rest, he said to me “ Let me take it from here for a while. Heal. “ and I will always be thankful for that.

It wasn't until after I finished grieving the break up that I realized I might not be a man. Plus, the changes to my body weren't feeling as at home as I wanted them to. More on that later. So I stopped using the gel for a little while just to see how I felt…and I never picked it back up.

Eventually the parts of me started gravitating back together, and while they don't fit the same way they used to, they are at home within me for the first time in years.

And if I hadn't had the freedom to discover that for myself…if my access to gender affirming health care had been denied or I had been shamed, or put on some kind of fucking registry like Ken Paxton was trying to collect ( fuck that guy ) or thrown into some kind of conversation therapy, I'd still be lost. I'd be so much worse off than I am.

People who detransition make up less than 1% of trangender folks. I am the only person I know that has ever decided to stop. I am the only person I know whose decisions were swayed more-so by personal traumas rather than a sense of long standing identity. I didn't have a sense of identity. And maybe if gender roles hadn't been so strictly enforced/contradictory when I was a child, maybe if I had been celebrated in my curiosity and my fluidity I would have gotten here a lot sooner. Which isn't to say that I am in any way resentful of having gotten here a little later than most.

So if you were wondering if I regret it, the answer is no.

This next segment is to answer any potential questions about the physical changes I experienced while on Tgel, how they made me feel, and how my body detransitioned after I stopped using it.

Note that every single body is different, so what I went through is not going to look the same for someone else.

Skin: As an autistic with sensory issues, while I knew my skin was going to change…it did not change the fact that I hated how itchy everything suddenly was. Your skin becomes more rough with T, and hairy. I never really experienced acne just because my genetics are pretty good on that front, but I did get significant leg hair growth. This did not go away when I stopped taking T, which I expected. But that's ok because it's just hair and I just needed to get a more durable razor. Big whoop.

Also I did have some very hard to notice fuzz under my chin, but that kind of went away. Along with the roughness.

Voice changes: I actually love my voice now. It was a few octaves higher before T, and I feel like it's more bodied and lovely. Not masculine, more androgynous. It didn't go back to normal, and I'm perfectly happy with that.

Bottom growth (tmi warning): I don't care about sharing this information so long as you don't ask for pictures you weirdos. But I started off with a teeeeeeeeny tiny little clit even in comparison to others. So now it's just kind of an average size, and hey I have better orgasms now. Win/win.

Body temperature: before T I was cold natured, and now I'm hot natured. That hasn't changed yet, and I'm not sure if it's going to. I feel pretty neutral about it at least until I try cuddling someone with the same body heat as me in which case *I hate it*.

Periods: still haven't had mine since I stopped which… I probably need to go see what's going on about that but from what I gathered it does sometimes take the better part of a year to restart the menstrual cycle. I'm not in a hurry, though. That was one of the perks of being on T, instantly stopped my period.

Will check back in if there's any issues on that front, however I will say that I have pcos which causes unpredictable cycles to begin with so, again, my body is different.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I'm posting this publicly because I want more awareness about detransitioning and debunking a lot of what I feel is being weaponized against the transgender community regarding it.

I will not react or respond to bigotry or hatred, I will delete any fetishizing of my identity or my body, I want this corner of the internet to remain safe.

Wrap up:

Remember that no matter how many changes you experience in life, you are just as valid today as you were yesterday and will be tomorrow. Nobody can tell you who you are, or who you're not.

Whatever you're doing, so long as it isn't hurting anyone or yourself, you're doing it perfectly. 🥰

Be well my loves,

Theo (She/they/ and sometimes it)

[evilkitten3]

My friend is getting top surgery next month, I'm very glad that he's getting that weight off his chest. Since you've been through it all ready, could I ask for some advice on supporting him through the recovery process?

absolutely.

make sure he has someone/thing to reach the top shelf. he's not gonna be raising his arms above his shoulders for a while

make sure the pharmacy prescribing the pain meds understands that they're for treating the pain from the surgery, not for gender dysphoria. otherwise they simply will not give you pain meds. they may not even tell you that they have not given you pain meds. i recommend against finding this out the exciting way like i did (side note: surprisingly not that bad most of the time)

if it's the same for him as it was for me, he'll be on a 5 pound weight limit for three weeks, and then a 25 pound limit for another three weeks. this is going to affect more than anyone involved will realize. if he's gonna need to move anything heavy any time soon, he should do that before surgery

i had to switch to tylenol instead of ibuprofen a few weeks pre-surgery bc ibuprofen can increase risk of bleeding. if he's an ibuprofen guy, he may want to grab some tylenol just in case

i've heard different people have different experiences with the drains. for some people, that's the worst part. for me, it was pretty simple (although my mom handled most of the measuring). if you aren't going to be involved with keeping them clear/measuring the goop, try to remember to glance down every now and then just in case a cap was screwed on wrong and too much air got in there. probably not gonna be a medical emergency but you wanna keep an eye on them so they'll do their job.

does he have a ride to and from the hospital? this is a very important question bc if the answer is no, the surgery simply will not happen. they just won't do it.

what i got specifically was a double mastectomy with free nipple grafts. if he's getting the same, i cannot stress enough that the nipples will look weird for a while. this is probably nothing to worry about. they're supposed to do that. if he's still worried, he should check in with the surgeon or another qualified expert, but probably they'll just say "it's ok keep an eye on it and if it hasn't healed in [x amount of time] come back then"

he is going to be constantly reminding that all your bits and pieces are connected to one another. even the bits you aren't thinking about. it's gonna be weird.

if he has a dog, offer to walk the dog for him (or help him find someone else who can do it). dogs do not understand the importance of the surgery recovery process. don't let overly enthusiastic dogs happen to you (or in this case your friend)

get a spare binder. not the chest kind, the abdominal kind. you might wanna wash the first one (this will likely be provided by the hospital) and it's better to have two.

speaking of binders, at some point the bandages will come off. the binder will still be required (or, more accurately, highly recommended). this was, for me, Absolute Sensory Hell. i recommend you make sure he's got a few light, loose shirts he can wear under the binder just in case

this didn't end up being relevant to me, but my surgeon recommended my mom buy some puppy training pads in case of accidents (accidents is a word which usually implies pee, but here means bleeding. sometimes there be blood)

if he has cats, he's gonna need to be careful not to let them step on his chest. cats do not like being told where they can or can't step. i hope he has more willpower than i do

quite likely, he's already aware of a good chunk of this. your first step - and possibly only step - is to ask if there's anything he needs from you. if he's got things under control, have faith in him.

brace yourself for how happy he's gonna be once he sees himself topless after the drains come out and the bandages come off. i was pretty much bouncing over my reflection. the euphoria is real.

[nobody-knose--archive]

how long until people start realizing that gender is personal

[chrysanthemumgames]

Hey! So there's kinda two parts to this ask, first is game feedback (kinda) and second is more ask territory. This first ones a bit weird, and I don't want to offend - but in the first (second?) chapter of the game, when you get to choose your pronouns (and this might just be a me thing, but you're always so inclusive of trans people I thought it would be worth mentioning!) The options for just "pronoun" vs "it might surprise some people since they.... pronoun". Felt a bit... Strange? I don't know how to say it, but it almost felt a little jarring in the way that gender reveals do, almost unintentionally seemingly more focused on genitalia etc. I know this wasn't your intention WHATSOEVER and I really hope I don't come across as rude because that is not what I want to do at all! I absolutely love your writing and game and it's such a safe space for me, and this is honestly such a tiny thing. But I thought I might mention it anyway. Mainly because I'm always fully immersed in the story till that one little bit, and then I get pulled out for a few seconds. Anyway, it could just be a me thing - I do have pretty visceral reactions to anything involving my AGAB, so that might be it!

Anyway, aside from that I was wondering if I could have any Hades facts, or anything Hades really. Especially if it involved a male/trans male PC? Could be nsfw or sfw, and only if you have time/feel like it!

(But I do really hope I haven't offended or anything, I kind of hate giving feedback because I get so stressed about it, have you ever had a creative writing class and you have to give someone criticism, and then they just rip into your very soul and obliterate you because they didn't like it? Because that's my biggest memory of English 😂)

Anyway, you are amazing, your game is amazing, and I have terrible urges to write fanfic for it. <3

Hey anon!

This feedback is very appreciated. I definitely tried to not make it just a pronoun on one hand and an explanation on the other (even the cis option has some explanation), but I do get that it still feels weird. It feels that way to me, too, and I'm actually already working on a different system for character creation that just lets you plainly choose whether you're trans or cis, no added explanation for anyone (and no requirement to "come out" to anyone early in the story or anything). I do want to have being trans be a choice, because I want it to be a thing that the game recognizes when it would be relevant, but I can and should do better than that.

The intention had been to try and do it in a way that would just naturally fit with the flow of the story, but I'm definitely in agreement that it was awkward and didn't achieve that. I'm totally not at all offended, and thank you for speaking up!

It might take a while to fix everything up, but rest assured that I will be changing it. :)

[marshmallowgoop]

ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.

Anonymous: Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.

Anonymous: It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….

I know these are old asks that I was initially too nervous to answer, but given that I have written on the topic since, I don’t want to leave this support and kindness without a proper response. People going out of their way to stand up for me deserve responses so much more than people going out of their way to insult me, and I want to honor that, even if it’s belated.

Warning for discussions of sexual assault and abuse below.

Part of the reason I did end up writing more on Ragyo Kiryuin is actually due to the sentiments expressed in your comment, first anon. The fact that I, a survivor of sexual assault, was being personally attacked and shamed for sharing that I find the depiction of a literal sexual abuser troublesome… let’s just say that it struck me as very, very wrong. It felt especially wrong because I only spoke up about the situation in the first place because I was asked to.

As the second anon says, I think it’s become difficult to have opinions. (Or perhaps it’s simply always been difficult.) I remember an old post on here that said something like, “The way to become popular on Tumblr is to never have an opinion on anything ever.” And… I feel like there’s a lot of sad truth to that. The most successful fandom blogs tend to be reblog hubs that post artwork and avoid anything that could be so opinionated as to incite drama and controversy, and fandom discourse has become so volatile that anon hate over headcanons is… a thing.

Or perhaps it’s always been a thing, in some way or another.

But in any case, the more I thought about it, the more disturbed I was by what happened. The notion that I should just shut up and stop talking about something that’s very relevant to my own personal experiences, all because my opinion isn’t the same as someone else’s, is gross. Not every survivor will agree with me, and that’s valid; as I explained in the linked post above, my own feelings on this particular situation have changed over the years. But to ridicule me, to call me stupid, to say that I don’t know anything, when I have done nothing but share my own personal thoughts on something and never, ever put anyone down for holding a different view, is not okay. In this case, it’s literally silencing survivors who felt hurt by some of the decisions in the show. 

Your message is so sad to me in retrospect, first anon, because it tells me that other survivors aren’t going to want to speak about this. We’re not going to have as many meaningful conversations about LGBTQ+ representation or the depiction of abuse in fiction because people are going to be too scared to talk about it; they’ll fear that they’ll be as harassed as I was, if not worse. I thank you for sharing your experience with me. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts, and I recognize that these aren’t easy topics to discuss, so I really value that you were willing to speak out.

To address your message, third anon, as I elaborated on in my more extensive Ragyo post, I do think I could have spoken better, and I do understand feeling hurt and upset by my opinions; that’s fair, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I have a hunch that the anon hate firestorm I received was partly because there was the impression that I’m a “gross man who hates Ragyo because she wouldn’t want me because she’s a lesbian.”

And… I have a lot of problems with that. I don’t want to regurgitate my other post too much, so I’d recommend reading that for more discussion on the difference between finding a character bad and thinking that their depiction could have been better, but I do want to add here that I’m not about this kind of demonization of men. Ragyo is a sexual abuser, and in my opinion, her abuses are not presented well. I am a woman, but a man feeling the same way does not automatically make him a “gross man,” especially if he’s also a survivor. 

If the genders were reversed, and Ragyo were a man abusing his sons, portrayed in the same way, I have a feeling that I would never have been attacked like I was. And, personally, that bothers me. I don’t like that female abusers are not taken as seriously. I don’t like that there’s even the argument that the only reason men could possibly dislike Ragyo or her depiction is because she’s a lesbian who wouldn’t want them and not because she’s an absolutely atrocious sexual predator who abuses her own daughters. In scenes that I (and others) find to be glamorized portrayals of assault.

This all got very long, but thank you three for reaching out. I don’t particularly like talking about Ragyo, but if someone is going to ask for my honest opinion on her, it’s… pretty dreadful to then get what I got. I’m still really disappointed about what happened, and I’m sad that this kind of thing discourages meaningful, productive conversation. But I will continue writing my opinionated thinkpieces, and I’m very grateful that they’re not seen as awful garbage by everyone, and I’m very glad that not everyone wants me to just shut up because I’m terrible and stupid. 

Thank you.

[skys813]

Discovery

Chapter 5 (Arc Finale)

Me: Before we start, is there anything you'd like to say, Anxiety?

Anxiety: *gives me a hard look and then looks away* No.

Me: I see. Let's begin, then. Over the past couple of weeks we've been struggling to deal with a new possibility. I'm aware that in every happy reality Research conjured for us we were in a romantic relationship with implied sexual undertones. The new possibility suggests that we don't find a romantic or sexual partner in the future. Up until now it's only been a vague suggestion, however, after further examination, I thought it would be best to bring it to the council's attention as a legitimate possible plan for the future.

Anxiety: I don't see why this is relevant given that Sexuality is obviously a lesbian. Haven't we been over this already?

Me: Actually, we haven't. That was a suggestion you made, not a fact of life. Which brings us to our first issue; determining Sexuality's true orientation. I'd like to bring some memories to the front if you don't mind. Let's start with a few questions I asked after I first learned what sex was. "Do I have to? Can I be married without doing it? Can I have kids without doing it?" Our first reaction was aversion. Of course, that's normal at the beginning, but those feelings never went away. Instead, it changed to reluctant acceptance that this is what would happen to us. The truth is that we never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender. We knew instinctively we wouldn't like sex in any form, but we pushed the feeling down and convinced ourselves that it'd be fine and we'd just have to do this for love.

Love: Is that not true? The only lifelong bond that allows us to be as invested and dedicated as we wish to be is a romantic one. Friendship can be strong, but it's not the same, Sky. We would not be prioritized the same way, you can't expect that of someone. If they have a romantic relationship with someone else, they have to prioritize that person above you, regardless of how close you get. Only a romantic bond guarantees you that level of trust and faith in each other. The exclusivity.

Me: I understand and accept that we wouldn't always be prioritized above the person's romantic relationship, but the rest is simply not true. It's possible. Research, if you'd be a dear, and pull up the definitions of a Queerplatonic Relationship and a Zucchini.

Research: A Queerplatonic relationship is defined as "a committed relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual in nature but is based on an emotional bond beyond friendship, often between aromantic and/or asexual people" (AVEN, General FAQ, Definitions). "A zucchini is a partner in a queerplatonic relationship. The commitment level between partners is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship, but with platonic love. Zucchinis may be of any romantic or sexual orientation" (AVENwiki).

Me: Thank you, darling. As you can see, it's entirely possible. In fact, it's so possible and has been felt and established by enough people that there are terms to describe the relationship we want. That's what we were looking for all these years, not some romantic relationship, much less a sexual one.

Anxiety: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've only proven sexuality is ace. Romance has been on board waiting for Prince to show up since day one. And we already agreed that Sexuality's orientation would be irrelevant to us in such a scenario as we would want him to be fully satisfied in the relationship.

Me: Romance hasn't actually been very vocal about her desires, she's been going along with whatever you and Research determined would be the best scenario. Again, let's pull up some memory files. First, there was her "crush," which she picked out for us much like one would pick out fruit at a stand, and is also a shared experience among other aromantics. We were never jealous of his relationship with our best friend or hurt by it, but instead helped them with arguments and were happy for them when they were happy. She shies away from any possible romantic partners under the guise of obeying our parents and religion when we all know full well we're stubborn and reckless enough that if we had ever desired such a relationship we would've acted on it by now. But we haven't.

Anxiety: Because no one has been worth the risk! We just haven't had the chance to meet the right person and it was never the right time before. We were too young.

Me: No one? When was the last time you saw Romance actually consider anyone as a potential partner?

Anxiety: That's because we're waiting for Prince, no one else is worth considering.

Me: That makes no sense and you know it. We can't find him if we never look. And Romance isn't interested enough to look in the first place. The fact of the matter is that she hasn't been active since we finally settled comfortably in our relationship. We might not use fancy terminology, but that's the nature of the bond we established with our best friend. The meaning we agreed upon for the relationship is the same as the one listed for queerplatonic relationships.

Anxiety: It's just too risky, it's irresponsible to put all your eggs in one basket like that. Friendships are fragile and fleeting-

Me: So is every other relationship. Friendships are not less than other bonds, they're equal and valid and they are what you make them. I believe in this one.

Anxiety: Fine. Don't listen to reason, whatever. But you might want to consider Love's needs and that certain aspects of our dreams would be off the table right off the bat if we went along with this madness, such as children and the home life we were so desperate to create one day. That's a dream you can't deny. You can't adopt children in a platonic relationship, so unless you plan on being a hypocrite and going out to have sex, praying not to catch an STD, and hoping to get pregnant that way, children would be completely off the table for us.

Me: First of all, it wouldn't be hypocritical, asexual people can have sex. But I do agree that that option is extremely unappealing all around. However, it wouldn't be as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Our motherly instincts can still be fulfilled if we add the found family element; we'd build a group of friends and mother them just like we used to. Love, how do you feel about that?

Love: I want children. We've always wanted children, I can't let go of that dream overnight. Mothering some friends isn't the same, I don't know if it'll be enough. I can agree to build new visions and scrap the old ones and incorporate Sexuality and Romance's identities, but you can't ever expect me to stop wanting children. I'm sorry.

Me: Don't be, it's who you are. Thank you for being so understanding. Research, what do you think?

Research: To be absolutely frank with you, I'm glad this is who we are. No husband to tie us down, fewer responsibilities, financial independence. It spells out a lot of opportunities to explore the world that we might not have had otherwise. And, no offense, Love, but children are expensive as hell. Our horizons just quadrupled without that financial and emotional burden. I vote yes.

*an awkward pause where Anxiety fumes on the side and refuses to say anything*

Me: .......Anxiety?

Anxiety: I'm the one who played the dreams. Are you happy now? You were right all along, and I was wrong. We're aro ace.

Me: I know.

Anxiety: *head snaps up* What?! You knew? How? And how long have you known? Why didn't you say anything?

Me: I think the meeting's done now, let's continue this privately. Love, Research, please act according to the council's decision and inform everyone of the verdict. Thank you. Anxiety, walk with me, darling.

Then.....

Sexuality blinks sleepy eyes open and looks around. Someone is by her bedside that she's only ever seen from afar. She tentatively lifts her hand and runs her fingers through Libido's hair. Her birthmate. What was she doing here? Libido stirs and murmurs something incoherent in her sleep before slowly opening her eyes to look back at Sexuality. Libido smiles softly.

Libido: You're finally awake. *jerks up frantically* Oh shit, you're awake! Oh my God, how're you feeling? Are you okay? Does anything hurt? Who do you want me to get for you? Do you want some water? Of course you want some water, what am I thinking-

Sexuality grabs Libido's sleeve as she makes to get up. Libido looks back, concerned and on the verge of panic. Sexuality shakes her head and tugs Libido back to her side.

Libido: Are you sure you don't want me to get you some food and water? You've been out of it for a while.

Sexuality shakes her head again and tugs Libido back down into her chair.

Libido: Okay, then. Um. Let's see, how do you usually communicate with Romance?

Sexuality: *gestures in sign language*

Libido: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I don't know any signs though. Do you want me to get Research? They might be able to translate. Actually, they'll know what to do about all of this and what you need and-

Sexuality grabs and squeezes Libido's hand and she falls silent. Sexuality smiles briefly and shuts her eyes.

Libido: Oh. You're tired, yeah, that makes sense, too. Sorry about all that. Go back to sleep, sweetie. I'll notify the others when you're ready.

It was a while later before Libido realized that Sexuality had been fully aware and responsive during those few minutes without throwing up. On top of that, she'd made contact with Libido without any noticeable harm befalling her. Sexuality was, at long last, fully recovered.

Meanwhile.....

I walk with Anxiety down to his room. It resembles a library, but instead of books, there are notebooks, each and every one of them filled to the brim with scribbles and half-finished thoughts.

Anxiety: Welcome to my lair, oh annoying one. Have a seat.

Me: I think we need to discuss why you're so against us being aro ace.

Anxiety: I already made it very clear-

Me: The real reason, Anxiety.

Anxiety glowers at me for a few minutes. I don't look away and he finally backs down grudgingly.

Anxiety: *sigh* Do you remember what we were like when we were a kid? What we thought of ourself?

Me: How can I forget? I was the brattiest, most arrogant child I've ever had the displeasure of having to think about.

Anxiety: *shakes his head* I mean before Prince, specifically. We were in a low place and we had accepted that we would die old, bitter, and alone. I just don't want us to go back to that again. It was devastating enough the first time around for all of us. At least like this, it would've only hurt Sexuality and Romance.

Me: Anxiety, listen to me. We are not who we were five years ago. That vision of the future was built on self-hatred and hopelessness, that's why it looked like a doomsday vision. This time we're rebuilding to take care of ourself and every aspect of who we are. We don't have to sacrifice Sexuality and Romance to be happy. We can just build a future that makes all of us happy by accommodating them too. We would've never been happy if we'd tried to suppress them.

Anxiety: *shakes his head stubbornly* We can revert right back to where we were, not enough has changed, not nearly enough. I've just collected more reasons to hate ourself since then, there's no guarantee it won't happen.

Me: *eyes sharp, trying to casually scan the notebooks* There is one thing we could always do..... If you'd allow us, I mean.

Anxiety: *torn between hope and trepidation* Like what exactly?

Me: Burn them.

Anxiety: *stands up and positions himself between me and the nearest shelf* Get out. Get out right now!

Me: *stays seated calmly with my eyes fixed on his* Only the notebooks where you write all our faults. The memories would all stay intact. All your other notebooks would stay exactly where they are. I'm only suggesting we let go of the guilt. Those notebooks are as old as I am, cataloging every tiny mistake we've ever made, every embarrassing thing we've ever done, every regret. You're absolutely right, we can't move forward until we've let go of all of that. We have to move forward, Anxiety. The council has come to a decision. Something has to give or we really might revert back to what we were before.

Anxiety: Then we would've learned nothing! Do you want to repeat all the mistakes we've made?

Me: A gentle reminder that you're the reason we made some of the more serious mistakes.

Anxiety: Don't you think I know that? That's why I refuse to let go of them. If we never forget, if we never stop regretting them and feeling guilty for them, then we'll make up for it and we'll never do those things again.

Me: Darling, that's ridiculous. You do realize that you've written down things as small as chopping the wrong vegetable by accident at our job, right? And the serious errors in judgment are almost all from our childhood, from years ago. We've grown, we've changed, and we're past that now. We can't stay this way forever, hating ourselves for every tiny inconvenience we've ever caused anyone. Please, Anxiety, we have to burn those notebooks.

Anxiety: No. You don't understand. We can't! No! *clutches at his head and his breathing becomes shallow and rapid* I can't. You can't. I can't.

Me: Anxiety? *gets up slowly* Are you okay?

Anxiety: No! We can't! We'll never be good enough. We'll never be happy. You can't erase the past. We're horrible, can't you see that? So horrible. Horrible. Horrible!

I notice a smoky shape formed behind Anxiety, whispering in his ear and grinning at me. The time for conversation is over. I carefully sidestep Anxiety who is too wrapped up in his sobbing to notice my movement and try to punch at the shadow. My hand goes right through it. Right, then. Those notebooks need to burn. Now. I step behind them slowly. The creature turns to watch me but continues whispering to Anxiety. I reach for a random notebook to test out the waters. No reaction besides a widening smirk. Good. I quickly scan through the notebooks until I find the section I need before looking up again. The shadow is still, watching me with a contemplative frown while Anxiety drops to hug his knees and hide his face as he cries. I collect the notebooks loosely in my arms, carefully noting how tense the shadow is getting. It stands between me and the door. I had a feeling it would find a way to stop me if it wanted to, smoke or not. I edge my way back to the table and set the notebooks down. The creature relaxes. I sit down and pretended to start reading one. After a few moments, it loses interest in me and goes back to tormenting Anxiety. It starts to whisper faster, progressively more aggressive. When it looks to be distracted enough, I grab the notebooks and run. I hear a shriek of anger not long after but it doesn't follow me. I run and run until I reach the common room and dump the notebooks on the floor.

Me: Research, get over here! I need lighter fuel! Love, if you could grab a lighter for me, that'd be great! Now!

They get up from the couch without a word and go about getting the requested items as I start tearing the notebooks apart. By the time they get back, I've torn haphazardly through the notebooks and stacked them in a hollow pyramid shape. Research douses them all and I give Love a handful of paper to light before I carefully place them under the rest and watch the fire spread. Anxiety rushes into the room with a much-faded version of the shadow I'd seen behind him, but by then even the topmost of the pyramid had caught fire. The creature shrieks and Anxiety faints into Research's arms.

Research: *sighs* I should've known something like this would happen. I'll take him to the infirmary.

Love: What just happened? Who's Research taking to the infirmary and what did we just set on fire?

Me: Don't worry, Love, everything's going to be okay now. C'mon, let's sit down and I'll tell you everything.

Then.....

Romance jerks awake gasping and clutching at her neck and chest and starts coughing. Sensuality rushes into her room and gives her a crushing hug.

Sensuality: You're alive! You're awake! Oh thank God, I won't be left with just Aesthetic for company!

Aesthetic: Hey! I can hear you, you know. And good grief, get off her before you really kill her. Welcome back, Romance. How're you feeling?

Romance: *gestures for water*

Sensuality: I got you, just a second. *runs out of the room*

Aesthetic: *hands Romance her board and marker* Figured you'd have a lot to say after being out of it for so long. Wanna elaborate on the whole "help Anxiety" message you left? Cause it really didn't help, for the record. What'd you want us to do, tie you and Sexuality up and dump you in the basement for him?

Romance rolls her eyes as Sensuality comes back in and accepts a glass of water with a quick nod of thanks. She downs the whole glass in three giant gulps and sets it down before relaxing back against her pillows a bit. She starts writing.

You're both idiots, for the record. I bet you didn't even try to figure out what I meant, just sat around worrying as usual. It's alright, someone must've figured it out since I'm awake now. We'll all hear the story in detail, I'm sure. Right now, though, I'd much rather discuss Sexuality. Is she okay?

Sensuality: Well......I mean, she's definitely safe now, we made sure of it, right Aesthetic?

Aesthetic: *nods her head with a smile* Don't worry, Romance, we took care of our little sister. She's safe.

Romance: *relaxes a bit more*

Good. At least you did something right. Who's guarding her? Libido, right?

Sensuality: *shocked* Yeah, actually, how'd you know? I thought you'd be upset.

Romance: *smiles* *writes*

They were never meant to be apart. They're different, but they're still birthmates. You know how strong that bond is. They'll figure it out. They just need time. We all do.

[nightcoremoon]

i love that you referred to someone in the nation of islam as 'that muslim dude.' you clearly have no idea what you're even talking about so just don't comment? no one needs your racist ass butting in.

using adjectives to refer to people by their race when no other information about them was present in the original post other than them being rude to a white girl is racist now, wild. I don't know anything about him besides his gender and religion, and out of the relevant parties in the post, there was the white wife, the presumably black presumably non-muslim guy who married her, and the muslim dude. what, is "dude" offensive to muslims? if it is then I'm sorry for every single time I've referred to any muslim ever as "dude". I use it as a gender neutral catch-all for any and everybody. should I have said "the dude who won't break bread with the quote white bitch unquote" instead because it's a little more typing but I'll do it if it prevents someone getting offended by d*de, which I'm gonna start censoring in case it's a slur too. I'm just a fucking moron who doesn't know shit so I'll just go out of my way not to step on anyone's toes. unless asterisks are racist too in which case I'm just fucked six ways from sunday and really wanna know what it is I can do to not be racist, or at least prevent the amount of racism I am by as much as physically possible. and at this point I'm not even being sarcastic anymore, I'm just physically at a loss to the long list of things that are racist for white people to do, since clearly I've offended you for calling a muslim dude a muslim dude.and it's not racist to acknowledge that the dude was muslim, dumbshit. go fuck yourself, you straw grasping sack of moldy potatoes. I had a turkey coma and now I'm fully awake and I'm not sad and self pitying anymore, I'm just tired and confused instead. how dare you nitpick things out of context to try to make me look bad. and I'm literally trying to apologize for something racist I said despite my white objections to it. my "~racist ass~" already butted in a year ago, and now I'm doing damage control because it got found in someone's archives or something. maybe if people stop harassing me over shit that no longer reflects points of view that I have, I'd absolutely not talk about that discourse. i'd completely forgotten about it if y'all mother fuckers hadn't gone diving in the dumpster of my ancient notes just to call me racist and tell me to go fuck myself. I may have accidentally been racist but you're purposefully being a dick. it's your prerogative but I don't have to be nice back. besides, you're on anon so we're stuck with you sniping at me. that isn't gonna solve anything other than make you feel better about yourself because you triggered a massive guilt spiral in a young autistic girl over something she did in the past.and I hope you realize just how much worse I was so many years ago. I was incredibly racist during my teens. I never hated anybody of any skin color or ethnic background [although I was raised to be an islamophobe before I read up on muslim culture and stuff and realized it wasn't really a bad thing and that all the terror groups aren't real muslims anymore than the kkk are christian or the zionists are jews] but god damn was my political compass skewed to the right. I've unlearned so much bullshit and become such a better person in terms of race, and while I'm in no way perfect since again I still benefit from white privilege, can you cut me some slack? I can't be perfect, and when I slipped up and got called out, I recognized and apologized for it. I can't do any better than I did already. be more fucking specific with what exactly I said that's so incredibly horribly wrong other than using the word 'dude'.my assessment of the situation is: black guy marries white girl, muslim brother was asshole to her, op thought it was hilarious, I thought it was mean, a dozen or so months later a person saw me saying it was mean then justified it, I realized it was the muslim brother's prerogative to call the lady a bitch and let her know that he didn't welcome her into the family, and I went back and acknowledged that my comment was massively rude and out of line and I shouldn't have said it. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SERIES OF EVENTS IN ANY WAY ACCURATELY DESCRIBABLE BY YOUR SHITTY MESSAGE??? HOW. PLEASE TELL ME. TEACH ME HOW NOT TO BE A RACIST PIECE OF SHIT FOR SAYING THAT I MADE A MISTAKE AND FOR CALLING A MUSLIM MAN A DUDE. I legitimately want to know what I can do to not be racist other than delete my account and kill myself.