#and how to manage it if it is. otherwise im setting myself up for failure

[totallyseiso]

Maybe I really should study journalism. I had been thinking about it ever since I saw how many journalists had been killed by Israel in the past few months, and realised that if this happens again, who will report on it if so many journalists are already dead? But on the other hand I'm really not sure if I'd be able to keep going when faced with all the horrors that journalists have to witness

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

did anyone else feel like everything in uni was just.... too much to handle???? like do this internship! do this extra curricular program! and this one and this one and this one!!!! all to prove how involved you are!!! build all your soft skills and hard skills and professional brand/identity now!!! what are you doing????? dicking around like that????? you have no time to dick around!!!!! DO IT NOW??!!! WHERES YOUR LINKEDIN??? WHERE ARE YOUR AND WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS AND YOUR CAREER ROADMAP????!!! WHY DONT YOU CARE ABOUT ENTREPRENEURSHIP AND BEING INNOVATIVE???? OH BY THE WAY WHERE ARE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS ON TOP OF ALL THIS OTHER BS YOU’RE MEANT TO DO AND CARE ABOUT????!!!!!

like bro you’re causing me and probably everyone else to have mental breakdowns and feel like failures if they don’t do all these things all at once at uni. sorry i couldn’t manage an internship bc i only got my licence after i graduated???? sorry that i felt like those programs would take too much energy out of me???? sorry i forgot to turn in all those bs personal reflections you wanted me to have done for that extra curricular program that i signed up for where i never got hired for any of the positions i applied for anyway???? sorry i don’t give a fuck about my professional image and how to set up a personal brand i have no fucking energy left to give a flying fucking fuck about it. why the fuck does it even matter??? and fuck your entrepreneurship and innovation/hustle lifestyle bs spiels! why the fuck am i supposed to care about these????? when my mental health is so fucking depleted that i had a panic attack to the point of throwing up in the bathroom over making my linkedin account and being a “budding professional”???? why don’t my studies count as being involved on campus???? because they’re literally all i can fucking handle, just barely???? like how much fucking energy and time do you think i fucking have???? thanks for your fake ass mental health events that don’t really work either. just fuck why can’t i dick around like you’re really supposed to do at uni???? how the fuck else am i meant to relax if i’m always meant to be thinking about hustling and all that bullshit??? hello???? why will no one answer me???? fuck you.

like obvs i know people will react to this with comments such as: “that’s why and how you’re meant to learn time management at uni!!! look at all the cute study hacks on tiktok to help you ☺️!” and “that’s how you learn how to handle multiple workloads and deadlines and stuff!!” or “that’s how college/uni simulates the real world of employment!!! if you can’t deal with this at college/uni maybe you should’ve just dropped out and realised that you needed to toughen up princess!!!” or whatever else. but y’all. like it was chronic. i was always tired. always burnt out. i felt like i had no time to “find myself “ or whatever the trope or expectation of uni is supposed to be. instead i was just hammered, to what felt like death, with “be entrepreneurial and grind/hustle your way to the top every day!!!! only care about your professional image and brand! everyone has one! do 10 internships today to prove your eligibility/validity and motivation to employers so you get into a grad program!!! hustle hustle hustle! innovate innovate innovate! where are your start up ideas to fix the entire world in a day???? here’s all these never ending deadlines for 50+ extracurriculars that you HAVE to meet otherwise you won’t get the award for these programs officially to show employers!” etc etc etc. but it honestly felt like so, so, so much to do and i felt guilty because i felt like i had absolutely no interest in half of the ECs, let alone, even the “required marks” (because more than half of the ECs at my uni required at least a 75 or distinction average) to get into like mentor high school kids or idek do a business incubator program or whatever the bullshit EC program options were.

and that above is not even counting the reflections that you had to do to say “yeah i did this program and i felt it was good and i learnt A/B/C about myself through this program so it’s defs enhanced my employability skills” to even be considered to be taking part in the program. it was all too fucking much on too little time and i fucking hated it. and that’s besides the point that i was focussing solely on all the employability workshops for my “career” and got literally fucking nothing out of them. like why can’t uni just be a time to dick around and find yourself, instead of doing useless fucking employability circus bullshit and hearing time and time again about the “entrepreneurial mindset” and how to “never turn off your brain for innovation and the hustle to be ahead of everyone else???? hurry up and have a side hustle like tutoring to show just how much initiative you have!!!!!” like i just don’t understand how my advanced diploma, my undergrad arts degree, and my albeit short lived and failed attempt at my postgrad degree dont show ENOUGH initiative to employers. i fucking hate it.

and i also i understand that me complaining about this after the fact (and also while i was at uni from 2015-2018/doing postgrad in 2019) can be seen as “oh you were just too lazy to get yourself together and grow up! typical millennial/gen z! too selfish to grow up and be part of the big, bad adult world!” but y’all. there needs to be more down time for students and less of a push to be “entrepreneurial” and all that bullshit during uni/college; so you’re not pushed to your absolute limits at uni til you have a mental breakdown and drop out/defer for a semester or a year. and that’s besides the fact that even in my fucking 3 month breaks at the end of every year i was actually BUYING my texts or textbooks early and doing some of my readings (books) MONTHS ahead of time and MONTHS ahead of even knowing the revised sets of texts (because half the time i bought them so early that i hd no idea that the prof had taken like 4 diff books off some courses and replaced them w/ other books instead for example) so i really had no proper downtime anyway. like i was utterly run off of my feet and i was burnt the fuck out every fucking year of my undergrad degree and also my postgrad and also business college in 2014; which was at least 50+ page assignments every fucking week. like that should count as initiative to employers.... but apparently it fucking doesn’t??? im fucking sick of y’all what the actual fuck do you want????

[12ouncemouse]

Hmmm. Still having a bad time managing the frustration

My anxiety comes and goes, the frustrationis still very raw. I can understand why, for 25 years i had initially tried to communicate my reality was different, and not only was i not tested but any neurodivergent tendencies i displayed were shut down by force

Ive found good outlets for anxiety, and got medical intervention to correct the course: now its the frustration again.

Like. I dont know what would resolve it. A part of me wants to scream in everyones fucking faces that gaslit me and shut down my reality that they WERE FUCKING WRONG until im purple in the face myself.

Part of it i think is i need to be far more selective in my friendships. Right now im not in a place where i can take on new people who didnt have chronic traumatic childhoods can have a meaningful relationship w me bc like. They dont get it. They dont understand at all. And they never will, because now theyre an adult and by literal biological constraints cannot be exposed to the same experience that I did. Not that I'd want them to, of course, but its just a fact:

My friendships right now require direct tangible shared experience in order to effectively maintain. I cannot relate otherwise, and it leads to misunderstandings of my communication.

Funny enough, I'm actually choosing to be selfish ??? Weird.

I can relate to those who have healed or those who dont even know yet how bad the wound is. Its so much easier than someone who just cannot understand because their brain never had to kick into chronic survival choice mode

Its really. Not a failure on their end either. Like. I dont WANT that to be a requirement if that makes sense, i dont WANT to have to set that boundary, because that could easily set some pseudo-precedent for me i need to seek out abuse victims as a bias. Thats. Not good either.

But goddamn dudes, its just so hard for me bc i have so much pent up frustration. A lot of it is misdirected too. I gotta find something

[mmakehappy]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? i’ll try to do this chronologically again: so at the beginning of january one of my best friends left to study abroad in rome which was sad and i missed her a lot. i saw rory scovel do stand up. i took an animation class which was fun for the first few weeks until i failed it lmao. actually my classes from jan to march did not go so well tbh but whatever i made it through. my sister came to visit me the weekend before st paddys day which was super fun and then we saw panic which was soooooooo fuckin rad i love them still wow! i went home for spring break and visited a local winery w my dad which was a lot of fun and then a week later uhhh me and @carrot-gallery became gfs!!! and my whole frickin life changed bc i love her so much wow!! but then a week after that i turned 22 and spent my birthday alone! which i tried to pretend didnt make me sad but by the end of the day i was very sad about it and thats when my sweet gf called me to sing happy birthday and i sobbed on my couch and ill never forget that!!! so okay then spring quarter classes started and i was a part of depaul’s visiting artist series which was super cool... i met a lot of new awesome people (both at depaul and the industry ppl that were our guests!) and made some great friends in that class! i was a house manager and camera op which was super fun. i went to a screening of my fave professor’s short film which was also rad. i saw a ghost story at the chicago critics film festival, which was amazing. i saw idiocracy in 35mm and then mike judge did a q&a! the very next day i was house manager for depaul’s student film festival at the music box! i saw chris gethard do a live recording of beautiful/anonymous and then also do some standup, that was awesome. i saw day wave live!!! amazing! i spent an entire dystopian day dealing with megabus. that was hell! i sat at an outdoor amphitheater and even tho i couldnt really see him i got to listen to seu jorge sing david bowie covers and life was magical for a few hours. my sisters came up to visit me and we saw aladdin the musical and had our minds blown, it was soooo fun! i went to the chicago pride parade for the very first time but i went by myself and at one point i was sitting on the curb just crying! not a high point but still memorable. i won a ticket to an advanced screening of the big sick where kumail & emily were there to do a q&a after the movie.... had a fuckin blast OBVIOUSLY and then saw the movie 9 other times in various theatres. i also made it into a commercial FOR the movie i just loved it that much lmao! i moved into a new (and my current) apartment! lorde released melodrama and fucking murdered me in my own home. otherwise i had a pretty uneventful but anxiety filled summer bc of financial aid stuff so that really sucked. i saw good time w taylor and the safdie brothers were there to do a q&a and they were such interesting guys i could listen to them talk for hours honestly. my mom and sisters came up to visit me and we took our mom to her very first cubs game which was sooo so much fun and they won that day too!! it was awesome and we had a great time :) watched the eclipse (or tried to anyway!!) fall quarter classes started and i honestly kicked ass at them, i got on the deans list (i almost typed honor roll lmao i mean its basically the same) i hung out with ari again which was cool!! we went to the aquarium! me and taylor saw beach fossils which was honestly the most buckwild concert ive ever been to i think, it was good shit. i got jobs at AMC (which i have since quit lmao) and starbucks and left my job at the paint place which was bittersweet! me and taylor saw mbmbam live!!! so fun!! and we watched trolls that night and goofed on it so hard!! i went home for thanksgiving and found out my big sister is gonna have a baby this year!! :D i saw mike birbiglia do stand up! which was soooo incredible of course (except i felt bad bc my mom was supposed to come w me but she couldnt go! so i brought taylor lol) UMMMMM MY DAM GIRLFRIEND CAME TO CHICAGO TO VISIT ME AND STAYED FOR A WHOLE DANG WEEK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER SHE MAKES ME SO HAPPY WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AND I MISS HAVING HER RIGHT NEXT TO ME EVERY SINGLE GOSH DANG DAY <3 ;_____; and that was my year!!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? last year i said id like to read at least one book each month and watch at least 100 movies - i did neither! im keeping the movie resolution though bc cmon 100 movies should be EASY for a film major wtf am i doing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no but it will happen in 2018! 

4. Did anyone close to you die? not a person but we had to put down my sweet doggo, flash :(

5. What countries did you visit? still none :/

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? More confidence that I actually deserve to be in college and that I can do this shit and I’m awesome <– that was my answer from last year and the year before but yeah. same. also money.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ummm march 25 when me and gf became gfs and also dec 17 when she came to visit :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? putting myself out there by doing VAS/Premiere, getting on the deans list for the first time since freshman year and then also getting a new job

9. What was your biggest failure? this summer i didnt do shit besides wallow and cry and it sucked!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nope

11. What was the best thing you bought? every movie ticket and the bras i bought for natalie ;-)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? natalie’s because she’s amazing and works so hard!!!! and she can always cheer me up and im so in love w her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? mine bc i could never just get my shit together and do my homework when i was supposed to :) < thats from last year but lmfao same!

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT, movie/event tix, food, in that order

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE BIG SICK, the new season of sv, p much all of the events that i listed in the first question lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? umm honestly probably any song from melodrama

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier, b. probably thinner? or maybe the same idk, and c. definitely DEFINITELY poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? read and write and watch movies and write and read about movies

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and also being bitter about everything for no reason <– last year and the year before that AGAIN and also same!

20. How did you spend Christmas? working at AMC which i hated every second of :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2016? yes with my amazing girlfriend @carrot-gallery

22. What was your favorite TV program? silicon valley, AMERICAN VANDAL, the good place, great british bake off

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? nah just politicians who like. actively want me to die lol

24. What was the best book you read? bitch,

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? mitski like why the fuck did i sleep on her..... tbh thats about it bc i still listen to the same music i did 10 years ago

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a steadier/better paying job and i have it!

27. What did you want and not get? idk i wanted to be financially stable on my own and i still dont have that

28. What was your favorite film of this year? ugh i hate this question! ok in no order: THE BIG SICK, GOOD TIME, A GHOST STORY, GET OUT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? uhhh having my sweet girlfriend by my side each and every day 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? sometimes chic, always sweaty

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? kumail nanjiani duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, taika waititi, and martin starr always and probably more but i legit cant think of anyone rn lol

33. What political issue stirred you the most? yikes all of it. all of the issues (this was from last year but same lmao)

34. Who did you miss? i miss my dogs and my family and my girlfriend 35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. You can set goals for yourself and talk about it all you want but it’s nothing until you actually start working towards it and doing something about it. <– answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that, still true!! imma keep that. also idk just like, there are good days and super bad days and ive survived all of them so its just a reminder to myself that ill be okay.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. These days will all seem better in time Waiting on that hindsight

[rennyji]

family, friends, enemies, the be natural thing, normal tweets

Its June already...another month in "the situation"...June 1st tweets...

You know, with the exception of one or two cousins, most of my family, maybe because of “the situation”?! Is more loyal (for lack of a better word) to my parents, than me. Such is my revelation over the last 11 years. One cousin I lived close to, in India for a while, -

-he’s around my age, and should be a brother I can tell secrets to, or “hooks me up.”Otherwise, he’s a very sincere/caring individual who is a real asset to our family. “Hook up” as in connect me -

- with my kind of women from his multicultural work establishment at TechnoPark or take me to a “todi shop” , where you get special kind of alcohol and spiced beef in this part of India, so that I can get different taste of life, make a memory, and have life experience. -

-He’s attending to my parents desire of keeping me as an individual who prays all day who needs to talk to someone, when that’s one side or nonexistent side to a guy who’s image is facing life’s obstacles in a leather jacket. -

-At this age and in my freakin’ 20’s, he chooses to be like a parent or uncle worried about what my parents think, or doing what my parents want for me, instead of thinking of what I as an individual need. All instead of being a brother or friend, understanding of me. -

-I think he’d try to talk to me or ask me questions to get information for my parents and this undignified “thing” of a situation-very brotherly.-

-On a different note, I mean, he spends a lot of time knowing his kids, but my parents, no offense to them, don’t listen to me when I speak because they’re in a rush to speak or defend, and they don’t know my likes/interests/hobbies.-

-Until recently, my mother didn’t know my favorite color. She’s stubborn to the point where she won’t try to learn either. They may have recently found out about such things like likes/interests/hobbies through the eavesdropping/stalking situation. -

-I mean, for the sake of a point, while in my very early 30s, it’s only now that I even shared with my mom, and not my dad, that I had two girl friends while in college. Some things like that, you cannot share with Indian parents until things get serious -

-and you want to move to the next chapter/adventure. I love my mom and dad, and would die for them and care for them in old age, but they don’t know much about me. My memories of my mom, for instance, are of her cooking, cleaning, buying me clothes,-

-taking me to doctor appointments when sick, and used to paying tuition, and a lot of yelling - ACTUAL BIG THINGS but nothing that requires a heart, it’s a parents duty. I tried telling her that, but no patience. She’s too busy taking it as an insult. -

-When Ive had any kind of problem in life outside of getting me a tutor for school or whatever when struggling, I’ve been on my own. Never helped me with a problem. It’s culturally not allowed to talk to her about problems with a girl friend, fears you may be struggling with,-

-or the cherry on top: talking about “this situation” and its origins. It’s a hard sad d**che bag thing to say, but if I manage to get my own maid, there wouldn’t be much to reminisce over my mom. -

-My dad is too busy philosophizing about family ideals &preaching. I mean he couldn’t dream of making the religious points I do, or no offense, pray “heart fueled” prayers in the mind over “out-loud” mechanical singing/praying out of thinking that makes him a solid human being. -

-Both my parents need to listen more and talk less. When I share something I like or about myself with my mom, she’ll be like, why are you telling me or will hammer @ something while I’m talking, literally. I mean I tried correcting things with my mom by talking to her about it,-

-but you never get through, although forgivable on both sides as and when needed. On a side note, quality of life in India is understood as how religious you are and your spending power. Me using saved potential rent money on fitness equipment-

-and massage guns makes it seem like I have nothing to complain about. It adds to my family being unable to admit to problems, when I mention things to do with a life of meaning. Stuff like that gives life experience and teaches you what you want. -

-In my girl friend/wife, I need a woman who’s patient, listens, comprehends, and so forth...but back to the point about the cousin...-

-I mean, after a certain age, you want friends in ur family. In India, amongst my family, if a relative does a favor like sit with you for a day in mostly silence, at someone else’s suggestion, that means ur best friends.-

-All these random formalities and awkwardness arises with genuinely good, sincere people. My best friends are people who “do stuff with me or for me” and that I can “confide in.” But I guess that’s where you gotta go out and meet people. -

-Family can’t always be as you desire or expect, as life is complicated in its own respective way for everyone, be it through difficult personalities or cultural formalities. People need to find their kinda people to be friends and family. I’ve heard:

-“Friends are the brothers and sisters God forgot to give us.”

what else, what else....

I don’t understand how the orchestrators overpower or left me under my parents. For that, do they meet all the criteria for their entertainment? Did anyone do psychological background checks on everyone involved for something as massive as this? -

-This could take a toll on my parents when they have to betray their son. This could take a toll on the orchestrators after 11 years of failure and lies. I mean parents’ culture restricts them from letting me live the normal American life required of the “show.”-

-For them, it’s religion all day/everyday(Christian that is). While they’ve been in the country for 11  years & dealt with non Indian people, do they understand things or see things the way I have the potential of doing? Did they understand the depth & severity of this project?-

-&like a lot of minority parents, or parents from elsewhere,or who haven’t been in America's love dovy way of handling things for generations, despite myParent’s undeniable love4me &willingness 2give me everything b4 this, theyd beat me as a child if I misbehaved/got a badGrade.-

-There were instances where my dad, who I don’t see any less &just doing his job cuz of what Im used to, beat me w/a hanger till my legs turn red. But when American entertainment officials come along yrs later, does this kind of history check out w/ ur possible background check?-

-Did the orchestrators do their homework at all? Its amidst this kind of setting, that Ill punch a wall once or throw things twice in 11 years after days of provocation. In our normal lives, do the orchestrators think any of this matters or at least 2 us, as people, as a family?-

-For taking eleven years of my life, when I was at my prime, when friends have mine have become lawyers with beautiful couples and children, if I can take that kind of beating and what you did to me through these years along-

-with personal hardships and growth, wait till you see what I do to you, one by mine. Riches and glamour can’t replace 11 years of torment. -

-Life is great, but between the orchestrators and me, it’s kind of like Jefferson Pierce in final few episodes of Black Lightning against Tobias Whale for killing his father and tormenting his family. Jefferson has a life with super powers. But when he loses them, -

-he faces Tobias in a showdown, where he accepts the possibility of death. I am willing to lose everything and end up on the street to see the orchestrators rot in jail for persisting, carelessly, in what is, my life.-

-The orchestrators messed up my youth, my family, my chance at a 4.0 GPA education, the resulting career opportunities, my health, social opportunities, putting me through the indignity of having my world basically on team on speaking terms against me who they never talk to...-

- all for an America that I once compared to heaven because of its potential for altruism and representation from all over. Do the orchestrators realize what they set up today I had already without them years ago? Way to steal my life on "multiple levels."-

-Enjoy the rest of our time together, orchestrators. U, the orchestrators, cowards, hide behind high end tech &possible authority figures or government contracts, but when we’re face 2face, provoke me in person, I dare you, as urself, &me as me, not you doing ur weird mind cr*p.-

-Let’s see if the orchestrators have the b*lls, before one of us undeniably is guaranteed to go down, whoever it is.

moving on ... what else ...

I’m honestly talking about my family and the situation, because after 11 years, through observations and the situation not ending, I’m convinced no one is actually being honest about me.  (I used the word “observations” in the last sentence.-

-Problem with using that word is that the orchestrators will forge the next setting with things for me to pick up on cuz they’re psychotic and refuse to restore the natural setting and normalcy of my life-natural setting is what I’ve been after for 11 years...)-

-I mean what comes to mind in seeing me without any of this in ur head, while not denying/hiding/ what’s happened to me over these 11+ years?! - THATS THE NATURAL SETTING. ONE directive, ONE instruction...and if taking care of what I’m after was ur goal, this is it, ur done. -

-Doesn’t require resources or effort on anyone’s part. It’s just people being themselves- natural.-mentioned/repeated multiple times in old complaints.) 

so now some normal tweets before I get on with my day...

So apparently, a massage gun isn’t a substitute for foam rolling or stretching...

“Tea tree hair and body moisturizer” leave in conditioner is, I think, the greatest hair gel ever. When my hair was thick and long, I used to use tea tree styling wax, topped off with Sebastian potion 9 leave in conditioner...but I really love the tea tree moisturizer...-

-the tea tree moisturizer...you can use it on ur hair and skin...wish this stuff existed ages ago...

The kiehls blue eagle shave cream provides a smoother shave 4“me” than their lotion...they have another version that I just want to try: the white eagle version-$7 more...I put “me” in quotes, cuz it might work for others...i think different men have different kinds of stubble.-

-There’s this one guy working at a coffee shop I go to, who’s got to be having the smoothest cleanest shave. You see no stubble. But I mean the concept of shave lotions are nice cuz you can just wipe off when done. -

With Shave creams over shave lotions, you gotta wash off, and washing ur face and neck in the sink just gets water everywhere.

“Yogibo Support” is good for reading or looking at your phone on your bed. Google it.

I’ve talked about Punjabis and “ pagdiwalas, “ but that being said, if there are any Guju’s like Ameesha Patel, hit me up.

Best combination of an idea: get the DoorDash dash pass free trial for a month and if you have around a $150 rewards from ur credit card, transfer it to DoorDash gift card. It’ll get you 2 weeks of outside food or restaurant food for breakfast, lunch, dinner. -

-Credit card rewards! Take advantage. Nice to use card with benefits-quite an incentive over cash. That’s how I’ve been ordering food, if that too is part of the “entertainment”, not cuz I’m loaded. Just a regular guy under 11 years of hype. -

-Be natural. React in what comes to mind on seeing me, minus pre-exisitng cr*p in ur head, without hiding/denying the existence of that cr*p.

[subconsitrep]

A distant glance of that awaited dream

Since my last post, not much has changed.  Things are surely feeling more burdened than they are of feeling anything quite the opposite.  

It wasn't too long ago where I met with the very small and incognito spiritual community that uses certain medicines to deepen their sense of self and union with God.  It was my second time in attendance of this and where I thought the first time around was bad, the second time surely took the cake.  I plan to write about it at some point but today will not be the day.  Let’s just say that the feeling was that of my conscious mind being burned alive at the stake;  the most potent and intense feeling of a fear that I’ve ever experienced in my life, that felt completely out of my control and of my doing yet pursued to take hold for some time before I was thankfully (and I cannot stress that enough) snapped out of it.  I’ve not felt the same since, but I choose to believe that it is just something that still has to leave my body, trauma and all before I come back to my 100%.

Otherwise, it has proven very difficult to get up out of bed.  No doubt the lack of sunshine that I’ve lived with for just a bit over a year now has surely taken its toll.  However despite this fact, it still seems like it gets worse.  It takes a lot out of me; almost fighting with myself to get out of bed.  Im not sure why that is the case but I am certain that it is because (in some regard) I’ve not set up a set schedule of any sort that tells my mind the tasks of the next day, and therefore I just wallow in darkness for as much time as I can.  

In other news, and most definitely positive, I’ve somehow managed to come to terms with myself that I will decide to chase the Career of my dreams, that being a Fighter Pilot.  I suppose in all this time that's come to pass, I could’t really give myself a truthful answer as to why I’ve never really stuck with it, even after the years and years of commitment that I demonstrated.  Perhaps getting distracted and having a life outside of that for some time was necessary in my life path.  Nonetheless I do have a feeling that is calling me towards this direction, at the same time a feeling that all the challenges that have previously got the best of me will soon meet their match.  

Being a Pilot in the Forces has demanded much from me that previously I could not deliver, in my past.  The neglect and lack of intimacy in my life was necessary for my character to grow but I lacked it.  Too much of a priority well surpassing my dream, amongst other reasons.  Failure to complete high school with acceptable academic achievements.  I was brilliant, (I am brilliant) and surely knew it for nearly all of my academic years.  Since the trauma of my father, everything sort of just clicked.  Things began to get the better of me and I fell completely short.  More like fell completely over, and for some time I was hurt by it.  I think it only took me up until now to admit the step that followed after up until present day: Live in denial.  Tell myself that I was in some way affiliated with the Forces without actually ever being properly sworn in.  To make myself believe that I did my small and insignificant part, that would have excused my drive to complete the dream, because something, or some excuse had not allowed me to continue.  They are all lies.  I am most capable.  At quite a disadvantage in some senses but it is most definitely possible to achieve.

I haven’t even thought about Confederation college since I’ve sought interest.  It’s not even been a week yet and I’ve already applied to the forces, in prep for my aptitude test and doing my extent in research for prepping for the battle of the brain that I will be tested in.  That being said, Im going to have to re-do courses from High school.. 4, presently.  All 4U courses and Im going to have to do them all very fast and very soon with presumed honours to tailor my application to their liking.  I’ve already registered and waiting for the school to get back to me.  I’ve also begun a Lumosity subscription, based off the recommendation of some other RCAF Pilot recruit advised as I stumbled on his blog that noted how beneficial it was to his aptitude and most especially his Aircrew selection tests.  

The drive is already there, though my conscious mind may not sense it.  There are a good many distractions that I must eliminate, and there are many things that I am going to have to change, and those implementations must come swiftly.  I need to force myself to do things that I typically have refused in recent times.  Things like going to the gym.  Despite my natural athletic physique I have cheated myself and though I know it is good for me, I have made many excuses.  I need to condition and train my mind to get into the swing of things, more than I’ve ever done before.  I must become self-reliant and unperturbed by any distraction or any one thing that would stand in my way of completing this goal. 

And so it is imperative that I figure out a routine that I must stick with.  IT must become my religion that I must practise.  I must also find time to meditate.  Regain stillness in mind and ease my quickly-triggered emotions wherever they may be.