#and hours will be better at work by then bc we’ll be busier

[delllamortes]

girlhood is booking a tattoo without being financially secure bc ✨life is short✨

[sanddancingwithanxiety]

20.6.20

Not rly a training journal as such but just an update

Rly happy with where the two of us are at atm. Justin has had us working on patterns and I think he and I are both finding that that works for us. Me cos I just ride laps and have a tendency to go “oh! he’s being good. fak. what now?” and arthur cos he gets bored and tunes out. So keeping us busy through lots of figures one way then back the other and kinda drilling them a bit and making them harder each time, just making me quicker. And I always avoid things like that bc I have a bad tendency to only do something if he feels prepped and ready to do it WELL. My biggest problem is being like ‘oh I can’t do a shoulder in now cos it’ll be rubbish’ and then I forget that DOING the shoulder in will fix it. Like the exercises exist for a reason bro. 

So anyway we have been keeping busier and it’s been great for us, like we are able to just use our lesson time so much more effectively now? Unfortunately it has meant my rides on my own have a big difference in quality to my lessons which is sad lol. It was a nice confidence boost in that period last year where my rides on my own were actually BETTER than in my lesson (mostly cos the lunge made him firmer on the contact when he was more regularly sucking back). So, sigh, bit sad but it makes sense I should be better in my lessons lol. 

He had a holiday down at @transequeerstrian‘s last week and has come back from that nice and happy. Just 5 days of trails and hacks for some cross training. And the first day I’ve ridden him away from home since... pretty much that time I took him to Vicki’s when I was still agisting at Justin’s. Then we had a couple of training days in the first couple of years of me owning him. But I realised this was actually my first time ever riding him off property without Justin there lol. I was going to take him on a trail ride myself but he was still a bit unsettled that day, so we made the decision before I hopped on to not trail him, but then literally as soon as I tied him up he was calm af and like oh ja I know this routine. Then he was rly good on the lunge and to ride. Not as calm as at home but honestly if I’ve learned anything by now it’s that I ride him a shit tonne better when he’s spicy bc it’s like GIVE HIM A JOB OR ELSE HE WILL SHY AT STUFF whereas at home if I feel super safe I will just dawdle and we’ll do laps. Basically my problem is just laps and doing nothing lol. But I was rly happy that I was able to just move him around and Chris didn’t need to like tell me where he was going all the time cos I could just .. move my horse around. Hooray I can steer my FEI pony. But could definitely tell I’d gotten better cos it had been so long since we’d ridden together. Which is in contrast to me the week before WAAAH I THINK I’VE GOTTEN WORSE THIS YEAR NOT BETTER. lol.

Anyway I’m so happy with where we are rn that I’ve asked if for the rest of Winter, unless he’s super tense/there’s stuff going on next door, on my Saturday lessons I just hop straight on to get an extra 10 mins of riding time into my week. I do need practise at warming him up myself effectively and just more hours in the saddle (cos Winter our schedule is like: 3 rides w Justin, 2 lessons w Justin where he rides the first 10 mins, 1 ride on my own where I lunge first, then Summer is 2 rides, 2 lessons, then I ride him 2x on my own). 

The canter is still an issue. We are getting all the transitions now and also doing walk to canter transitions. The left canter is fairly collected and under control - we’re able to do travers to shoulder in and back and forth on the circle now, but the right isn’t great. My main thing is I just lose him and he drops out, then I’m too wishy washy and let him just trot fast for a circle til I bring him back, instead of being like OI you’re staying with me and going back in NOW. So we need to work on my OI skills lol. I need to get him to the point where it’s just ‘now that you’re in canter, you’re staying in until I tell you otherwise’. 

I had a sat on Louis last week down at Chris’ and was very jealous of him staying in canter with approximately 0 help from me (cos i’m busy going how tf do i move my body to this smol canter) and also that we went back to trot and i didn’t proceed to get YEETED lol. So that gave me homework. 

[sweetnestor]

the great holiday depression 2k17 (hc’s)

so in stone cold, i pointed out how bella’s mood really slumps during the holiday season, so let’s see what she gets up to this year, and how those around her try to help

at first she doesnt notice her decline bc now that she’s apart of teamiplier(tm) she’s a little busier and more distracted

she’s still recovering emotionally from That Thing That Happened On Tour (coming soon), so when she’s finally alone and not working she just,,,,,,,

she doesn’t crash or have a meltdown like last time. no no, not this time. just bear with me.

“boy am i tired i think ill lie down for a little bit” *cue a 4 hour death nap*

maybe she wakes up to a text from jack or ethan

OH and jack’s not living with her anymore at this time and she tries not to pay a lot of attention to the empty bedroom in her apartment

honestly some of this Gloom comes from missing her best friend and not being able to hang out with him everyday like they were both in the same position and they grew closer and now theyre living separate lives

“hey stoopid i miss u” types it out, then deletes it. jack is probably busy, and bella figured that if signe saw that she probably wouldnt approve

however, after her death nap, bella finds that jack texted her first :’)

they talk for a little bit, he asks her how she’s doing and what not and bella just

*i was really fucking sad last year and i cant stop thinking about it like i know that things are super different and a lot better now but im still just :(((((((((* “im doing good!! hows it going over there??”

the only people who would Know why bella gets kinda down this time of year is jack or mark, and well,,,, mark is off doing his own thing,,,, and jack is an ocean away

this Gloom kind of intensifies when ethan talks to bella about christmas

“youre coming home with me right??” “why??????” “...because i want you there..? and my family wants you there..?”

she’s never envied him over the family thing (yknow,,, his family has always been so good and supportive while hers dont even speak to her) but now,,,,,,,,, it’s kind of pushing her buttons

“so i’d have to get on a plane for the fourth or fifth time this year??” “i already got us tickets :( would you rather just spend christmas alone?” “i have for the last few years”

needless to say they fight, and ethan goes back to his apartment fuming and shit and bella just,,,,, doesnt??? care????

this happens right before thanksgiving, another holiday she dreads

there is a Very Teamiplier Thanksgiving dinner at,,,, one of their houses idek and it really takes a lot for bella to push herself out of bed to go

but she does it anyway, despite the sad thoughts circling her head (and also bc they would all kick her door down and drag her out by the ankles if she decided to sit this one out)

last year she was only with jack, who had ditched his other friends to hang out with her. she still feels guilty about it.

people are posting pictures with their families all over social media and it just makes her resentfully roll her eyes

she cant even remember the last proper thanksgiving she had and even though she wants nothing to do with her relatives anymore, the fact that she cant remember her last birthday, thanksgiving, or xmas with them kinda bugs her

but being around ethan, kathryn, mark, amy, and tyler helps a little bit. it’s hard to be down when she’s around them.

the dinner doesnt go terribly (it was fun actually), aside from the minor tension between bella and ethan, but she talks to him later on and they make up, but she still doesnt say yes to going home with him for xmas

ethan starts to figure out why when december hits and his girlfriend refuses to go out with him or their friends. he also notices the xmas decorations just about everywhere except for bella’s apartment

come to think of it, he didn’t know if she was a holiday lover or a total grinch until now

hes just thinking about it just after she texted him that she was going to nap for a little bit instead of going to dinner with him and then, ‘OH!!! holy shit how could i forget???’

theyve been together for almost a year now (holy f u c k) and she still hasnt talked a lot about what went down with her relatives all those years ago, and he doesnt want to pressure her, but its really affecting the way she acts around him and it kinda sucks?????

so lets see,,,,,,,  ethan gets a pizza for the both of them and he goes to her place while she’s death napping

except shes not death napping, shes just lying on the couch watching reruns of greys anatomy or something

“you didn’t have to come over” “the couple who naps together, stays together!! have u eaten?? u should eat and then we’ll slip into the sickest coma together!!”

ofc that doesnt make everything magically go away. its never like that.

bella opens up to her therapist abt this funk and they start to work on it. she doesn’t want a repeat of new year’s. or a repeat of summer 2016.

eventually she comes around to ethans request. she’s had to rationalize it: “i’ve met his family before. i’ve been to his house in maine before.”

so they go when the time comes.

[aneternalrecurrence]

aha I think im in love with my bf, maybe

still a bit mad and sad that he broke up with me on Sunday and then 4 hours later he texted me sorry and that he wants to get back together

yesterday I asked him how long has he been thinking about breaking up with me and he said a couple days. but like the Wednesday before he seemed happy to see me and then Thursday we kinda studied and saw each other for an hour and he was kissing me and holding my hand and it didn't seem like anything was wrong. yeah we are a lot busier this semester but he never talked to me about it. we just sent each other our schedules and then Sunday I meet him at the library and after about an hour he asks if I want to leave so I thought yeah we can take a break and just walk around for a while but then out of no where he turns to me and says “I think we should break up” and im pretty sure all I said was “uh” really really really didn't think he'd break up with me with the reason he had. 

I still think about it and it makes me cry. right now I feel like crying when just typing it all out. he said he doesn't treat me right and that I deserve someone to text me back all the time and to give me undivided attention and someone that's a good person. also the way he calls himself a bad person really really hurts me. it really hurts that he thinks he's such a horrible person because he really isn't. and so I cried a bit and he said that this wouldn't stop him form studying with me or helping me out with CS a few times so I was surprised when he wanted to still be friends bc im pretty sure the girls he's dated or hooked up with before aren't his friends. it just made me so so so so sad. im still sad 

yesterday was a good day though. it was better. i had class end at 330 but another class at 630 so I could only hangout with ethen during his work shift. it was nice just talking to him without crying. it nice to hold his hand again

im not delusional or anything, I know we’ll break up eventually bc he's going to New Orleans for the summer for an internship and he really hates SF and just not come back. but that's ok. I mean I really am so happy for him that he's got an internship and he’ll be doing what he loves and he’ll be back home and he gets to see his old friends. thats so nice. idk I fell like if I was in this situation a year ago I wouldn't have gotten back together or even dated him I don't know why. a year ago I wouldve just rather stayed broken up to save myself from a huge heartbreak coming this summer. but I really care about the so much. id rather spend as much time with him now then eventually breakup

I feel like im really trying not to let myself feel more for him that I already do. I don't want to get hurt but at the same time I want to let my feeling do whatever. I just care about him so much. I really do

saw him today :) in the library but he had class at 630. I really regret not walking him out the library but idk I was a bit jittery for some reason. sometimes I get nervous when im around him. not in a bad way, just in a way where I feel that he's going to regret getting back together and break up with me again. doesn't really make sense bc I know we’ll break up in a few months but it really hurt. it was not a nice feeling. and rn I miss him and I just want to hug him and fall asleep. but yeah he's right dating in college is hard. 

AU where ethen and I are just happy doing whatever we want, we don't have to be together but AU where he feels better and gets the good things he deserves bc he's not a bad person he's a very good person thats very nice and cares about others and is very smart and is kind and funny and has nice hair and just deserves good things.