#and hopefully tomorrow i can work on other little inbox things and be productive :')

[rosesradio]

i feel guilty for not writing (like, ever :’) ) so here’s a little piece on will’s first crush being steve (in the sense that mike had a crush on eddie, sometimes kids crush on older teens, not actually endorsing will/steve or mike/eddie). anyways, it’s 1k words and based in s1, enjoy--

The D20

November 6, 1983.

"Come on, Will, hurry up!" Mike's voice called from downstairs. Will had taken a bathroom break--hours of playing and several sodas will do that to you, but the rest of the Party acted as though he was a monster for pausing their game. He ran a shortcut through the living room recklessly, not glancing around at any of his surroundings, and collided face first into someone wearing a dark blue sweater.

"Sorry!" Will said hurriedly. There was a clatter, and--"Oh, shoot, where's my D20?" He started searching around the ground for it, not really caring about who he bumped into. It was probably just Mr. Wheeler, and he wasn't about to get on the ground to help look.

"Your D...what?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

Will glanced up to see someone he hadn't met before, but he could only assume was Steve, Nancy's new boyfriend. Mike had called him Steve "The Hair" Harrington or Annoying Pretty Boy, and this guy looked as though he could match the description. He was...pretty. Will supposed he hadn't really thought about that with anyone, except maybe characters in TV shows.

"My D20," Will explained, a heat rising to his cheeks now at how reckless he'd been. "The die I was using for DnD. Mike got it for me, and Lucas told me if I carried it around for luck, we might could win the campaign--"

"Right," Steve nodded. Smiled. Will smiled back. "Well, I better help you find it, then. Can't let them know it touched the ground, or else the monsters might get you."

Will had a sneaking suspicion he was making fun of him, but also...not. At least he wasn't doing it outright in the way his dad used to. He nodded, and Steve got down on the floor to help him scope out the tiny die.

"Oh," Steve reached for it--it was wedged under one of the curving table legs of the coffee table. "Is this it? Wow, it's colorful."

"Yeah," Will took the die with a smile. "Mike said the purple and green swirls look like magic, so maybe it'd bring luck."

"Hm," Steve hummed. "I thought that nerd--I mean magical game stuff had a lot of superpowers. Why would you need luck?"

Will looked thoughtful at that. "I guess I don't. I've been casting protection all game...maybe I'll try Fireball this time..."

"Will, come on, the Party needs you!" Mike called again.

"Gotta go," Will said. "Um. I could leave the die here, maybe. If you ever want to play with Nancy?"

Steve laughed at that, but it wasn't a mean laugh. Maybe he found Will...charming. Mom always said he had a special way of making people like him...even if the kids at school couldn't see that yet.

"Yeah, maybe," Steve shrugged. "Good luck at your game, then."

"Thanks," Will replied, noting a moment later how breathless he sounded, and how stupid that was. He hurried downstairs, meeting Mike's eyes with a giddy smile. Steve may have been pretty and nice, but no one matched Will's love of DnD like Mike.

--

"Why did you stop?" Jonathan asks him. They're both sitting in those uncomfortably stiff chairs in the station, trusted enough to be kept from fighting in Powell's company. "You had all that shit to say about me, about my family, and you tried to fight...but you let me win. Why?"

Steve can feel a smile form on his lips, but his heart is heavy, pierced with the anchor of his earlier words. "I let you win?" He felt like, at one time--at an hour ago, he would have rubbed that in Jonathan's face. But no, Jonathan beat the shit out of him until the cops came, no doubt about it. Even if he hadn't saw...what he saw. If he hadn't thought too much into it...no, Jonathan still would've beaten him. Steve's heart wasn't in it, not really.

"Yeah," Jonathan pushes further. "You had this...look in your eyes. You saw something. What was it?"

Steve scoffed, slumping in his seat so far his back hurt. What did it matter, what he saw? Will Byers was dead, he'd watched the burial. But even so, he could feel it, the die, weighing a hole in his pocket, with so many sides it felt like an even ball. He thought on a stupid jab to say, but it was no use. This was far above either of them.

He pulled the die from his pocket, holding it out for Jonathan. "It fell out of your pocket during the fight. I didn't want," he paused, the breath too big for his lungs. He wasn't going to cry, not for this kid he didn't know. But he thought of how sweet his smile was, how innocent. How he suggested he played DnD with Nancy. And his eyes were stinging a little...probably because Jonathan had punched him in the nose earlier. "I didn't want it to get scratched up, that's all."

"Oh," Jonathan said softly, taking the die from him, rolling it in his fingers. "Yeah, um. Thanks."

Steve nodded, sitting up with a shrug. "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it, any of it. As soon as we get out of here, I'm...gonna try to make things right. I know that won't bring Will back, but...I want to do whatever I can, you know. To help."

Jonathan gave him this odd look, then, as if Steve suddenly started speaking another language. But he relaxed, marginally. Then he seemed...thoughtful. Contemplative. He leaned over and whispered. "Don't say a word, but I'll give this back to Will when I see him."

When he sees him...? Steve's brows furrowed. He can't be talking about the afterlife, could he? Most everyone in Hawkins was Christian, but Steve didn't think the Byers were the religious type. Even so, when he pulled away with a curious look, Steve had a feeling Jonathan was talking about something a little bit stranger.

[steverogersnotebook]

Neighbors - Sofa Date

NEIGHBORS

Recovering TJ Hammond and Steve Rogers (between TWS/CW) who try to find comfort on sleepless nights through baking, music, and friendship. An offer to share company and their mutual talents when being alone is just too much leads to friendship.

(my inbox is open for ideas, prompts and headcanons)

NEIGHBORS fluff | gen [platonic friendships] / Steve & TJ Hammond | minor romance TJ & OMC Julian [SERIES of oneshots]

[read on ao3]

A/N: I started this for Valentine’s Day 2017 or 2018. I don’t know what the holdup was, It’s been almost complete ever since. Well, better late than never!! TYSM every one!

The heavy bag landed atop the previous three, in no better shape, all losing their fill through the ruined covers, causing Steve to wonder if he’d ever find something that could stand up to his strength and frustration instead of prematurely exploding.

Though these troubled nights were on the decline with the catharsis of baking and having friends like Sam and TJ, sometimes, baking just didn’t cut it and he was loathe to push himself into his friends’ space - again - and Steve would resort to a little controlled destruction.

Tonight wasn’t going down without a fight. He’d tried to get some rest after the call came telling him that in a few hours they were ‘wheels up’. It had been fruitless and resulted in a run. He’d amped up his speed and set a course for himself that should have done the trick, but after running fast and far, Steve’s run and subsequent shower didn’t put him any closer to a settled state.

Next try, the kitchen, resulting in cookies and fudge. Ordinarily he wouldn’t bother with something like that in the hours before a mission, knowing he’d be gone for an unknown number of days, but tomorrow was Valentine’s day, and he’d yet to figure out what to do for TJ.

Even though TJ wasn’t alone this year for the holiday, it felt like a tradition. He didn’t have many of those left, so it just felt like something he had to do.

Making fudge from his Ma’s recipe had brought both her and Bucky’s sister to mind. The memory of their childlike joys - from sampling the finished product to trying to cut the fudge into shapes with a knife, not just simple boring squares, to entertain Becca - and the rich aroma had provided all the comfort he’d expected.

Clearly, Steve thought as he unwound tape from his wrist, It just wasn’t enough to quell the agitation over the continuing uneventful search for Bucky and the stress of the impending mission.

So that was how he wound up tearing up heavy bags in a dimly lit gym. He really did need to find a new schtick. And he definitely needed a second shower.

Lying across his bed after his shower, unable to relax - still - Steve laughed at his naive expectations. He reached toward the end of his bed to drag his t-shirt to him as he sat up. Steve tugged the thin fabric over his half-dried hair. He stretched the soft, worn fabric hem over the waist of his pajama pants.

“Might as well finish the thing,” Steve’s voice echoed through the quiet space. He shuffled his stockinged feet across the smooth, clean floor. The glow from the light over the stove led him to the frosted confection. Fingers that had sported bruises when he came home, but were now perfectly pink gently tapped at the icing to see if it had set up.

Satisfied with the firm, smooth texture, Steve inspected the box made from cookies for any weak points before filling it with heart-shaped fudge pieces. Overkill? Maybe, but he could laugh it off with TJ. The thought propelled him out the door and down the stairs until he stood in front of TJ’s door, in his pajamas.

Oops.

He wondered if this was the best idea - if it was even ‘proper’. Shoving doubts aside in favor of not spending the next few hours sweating over yet another physical distraction or tossing and turning fitfully, Steve knocked on the door.

---.---

TJ was just putting the finishing touches on the last of the heart shaped cake pops that he’d decided to bravely tackle on his own, when the knock on the door startled him. Well, maybe he could salvage it, he thought as he wiped his fingers on the flour sack towel and headed for the door.

He wasn’t expecting the sight of Steve standing in the doorway wearing brightly colored socks, brown plaid pajama pants, and a stretched out, yet still too small purple t-shirt threw him. He looked -- anxious.

“Steve, you okay? Come in.”

“Yeah, I thought I’d bring this by.” Steve looked around the apartment as he handed TJ a heart-shaped box, made from layers of cookies. “I’m not interrupting?”

“Of course not. Thanks, wow. This is -” TJ lifted the top cookie that doubled as a lid, to see heart-shaped fudge inside the hollowed out cookie box. “Beautiful.”

“Ma’s old recipe.” Steve’s smile was a weak attempt.

“I can’t wait to try it. Come, sit down.”

“It’s Valentine’s day, you must be expecting Julian, I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Valentine’s Day Eve, and nope, not expecting him until tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Steve sighed. His relief was almost as palpable as whatever was troubling him. “TJ, would you mind playing something - I don’t know - mellow?”

TJ didn’t bother asking, again, what might be bothering Steve. He simply made yummy sounds as he set the box on the piano.

They both sat, Steve heavily on the sofa and TJ eased onto the piano bench. His fingers touched the keys and the first thing to come to mind was the tune Steve had requested the night they’d met. The wan smile from moments ago softened and Steve closed his eyes. Two and a half tunes later, Steve sighed before sitting forward with his elbows on his knees. “So, you do have plans for Valentine’s Day?”

“Me? Other than some iffy cake pops, no, but Julian says he has something planned for me. Miles is with his mom this week.”

“How glad are you that Miles and I broke the ice for you two?”

“Are you still trying to take credit? You know it was my legs and ass,” TJ chuckled.

Steve’s smile eased some more. “I’m glad it’s working out, TJ.” He rubbed his palms up and down the length of his thighs before sitting back against the cushions again. “I’ve got to head out in a few hours.”

“More top secret stuff?” TJ turned away from the piano keys.

“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “You know, just once I wish I could confide in someone outside of it all.”

“Yeah. Hey, have you considered talking to a therapist?”

“I did think about it. I can’t figure out how it all works now. With everything - I mean with S.H.I.E.L.D. - it had to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. approved doctor. You know, definitely not outside. Then after - who’s qualified? Who’s not a security risk? I’d rather talk to you. You, I trust.”

“That really means a lot, Steve.” TJ couldn’t begin to express how much it meant without losing all dignity. Not that Steve probably thought he had any. “If it gets to be too much, you still could. I know a thing or two about security.

Steve pulled his feet up onto the cushion, the limber bastard looked deceptively small just now.

“Hey, you wanna see what I’ve been trying to do?” TJ knew it was a lame attempt at a topic change, but it was less awkward than a pained awkward silence would be.

“Yeah, sure.” Steve looked over his knees at TJ.

“Steve, are you frightened?”

“No more than usual. Just - when will it stop? I thought it was over when I woke up in this new world. It wasn’t. I thought we were doing something by bringing S.H.I.E.L.D. down. We didn’t.”

“You did, rousting so many corrupt agents and supporters,” TJ lunged forward in his urgent attempt to mollify Steve, nearly toppling the piano bench. “I mean -”

“Thanks, TJ. I know what you mean. There are still cells out there - and it doesn’t feel like we’re ever going to find the end. So -” Steve uncurled from the compact shape and surged to his feet - feigned energy mingling with whatever the serum did to make him quick and agile. He followed TJ to the kitchen. “- What’s your project?”

“Valentine’s gifts for my best friend and my boyfriend.” TJ knew that he still flushed when he said the word, but Steve wouldn’t harass him for it.

“I’d rather be watching Miles for you two to go on your date tomorrow.”

“How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

“Possibly a week. Hopefully just a week.”

TJ plucked away the blob of now hardened icing that had plopped over the edge of the heart “I was doing well, the knock on the door startled me. You think I can salvage it?”

“Yeah. Hey, these look great. If you can get most of that off so that it’s flush, you should be able to give it a little touch-up with the red. Then you can go back to decorating.”

“I was going to do roses, but gave up early on. Hearts are my speed right now. Maybe I can practice roses before Julian’s birthday.”

“Of course you can. Maybe we can figure it out together.” Steve spread his hands across the flat plane of the countertop, “If you’d like.”

“Of course. It’s your fault I even considered this. You should have to do the time.”

“Where are the rejects?”

“Nonexistent,” TJ said, fighting a grin. “Not as in ‘TJ didn’t make any mistakes but this one’ - but as in, ‘I ate them’.”

Steve smiled, shaking his head “I should have known.”

TJ painted red candy coating over the white spot on the damaged cake pop with a surprisingly steady hand, considering how close he was to laughing at them both. “How’s this?” He held the confection towards Steve for inspection.

“You’d have to know about the mistake to find it, but if you’re nervous about it, you could give that one to your best friend and pick out the pristine ones for Julian.”

“Says my best friend.”

“Me?” Steve’s feigned surprise was terrible.

“You don’t go undercover do you?”

“Occasionally.”

“Well, don’t get yourself caught and killed, okay? Cos that was terrible acting. How do you feel about a Valentine’s Eve pizza and movie until you have to take off? Or you’re welcome to crash on the sofa if you just want to unwind.”

“There will be no crashing for many hours,” Steve confided. “I’ve had this nervous energy for several hours, went to the gym. It helped a little. Got home and tried to unwind and now I’m here. Pizza does sound great.”

“So, did you snag yourself a Valentine this year? Anybody going to be disappointed you’re ditching them on the big day?”

“No, I haven’t been looking. If you’d like, I can have Nat give you a call and you two can plot against me?”

“No, hey, if you’re happy - that’s what matters.”

“I sent flowers to Peggy. They’ve moved her back to England. I think I’ll stop by before I come back.”

“Might be just the thing.” TJ picked up his phone to order pizza. “The usual?”

“Hm. Yeah, sounds good. Am I overthinking the dating thing?”

“Probably. It seems like you’re trying to avoid a long-term thing, and in the process you’re missing out on good company and fun things like shows, dinner, and weird but enjoyable adventure dates. I’m not the only person who likes those things, Steve.”

“You’re saying I’ve been using you as a surrogate?”

“People have asked if we’re dating. Even after I started seeing Julian. I don’t mind it, it’s good for my reputation. You’re probably suffering in that department though.”

“I’m willing to take a hit for your burgeoning reputation,” Steve teased.

“That’s why you’re my best friend. Here - bestie - Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Steve took the offered arrangement of cake pops with a warm smile. “Thank you, TJ. You’re not getting any flak from Julian about our friendship, are you?”

“Hell no. He loves that you sized him up both in and out of the Iron Man costume. He was intimidated enough to ask if there was something between us. But I let him know the only competition he has is if he messes up your pastry apprentice.”

“Damn straight,” Steve laughed.

--.--

Music filled the Audi but it might as well have been silent for as much attention Julian paid the noise. His mind was chock full of loneliness. The same thing that he experienced every time he had to drop Miles off at the ex’s.

He tried to think ahead to his Valentine’s plans for TJ. A late brunch, followed by an afternoon and evening on the town. It should be enough to sustain him through the night, but the glaring silence that he’d pretended to look forward to - the lack of childish glee and minor tantrums - made him restless.

Long fingers stroked a strong, smooth jaw before clicking the car stereo off and turning the car toward TJ’s apartment.

He recognized the pizza delivery guy as their regular from TJ’s favorite pizza joint. As they both got out of their cars at the same time, he nodded toward the guy, “223?”

At the nod of recognition, Julian smiled. “Let me take that off your hands.”

“It’s already paid for,” the kid spoke up when Julian reached for his wallet.

“Right. Then this is for you.” Julian smiled. “Thanks. Be careful out there.”

The kid took the cash and grinned. “Thank you, you too - uh - I mean - have a good evening.”

Julian saluted him as he passed, balancing the two jumbo pizza boxes on one hand. He carried them inside wondering if Steve had stopped by, TJ wasn’t expecting him and that was a lot of pizza. Julian let himself in, as he was accustomed to doing, and stopped short when it looked like Captain America might take him out without hesitation.

--.--

They both turned toward the door when it opened. TJ wasn’t surprised, but Steve - unaccustomed to this type of visit - was nearly to his feet, prepared to fight. TJ had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing. “Jules, you startled us.”

“I come bearing pizza, is that enough to cover the price of admission? And buy forgiveness?”

Steve backed down instantly, knowing Julian wasn’t a threat. Still, he appeared ready to bolt without notice.

TJ met Julian with a kiss, which went a long way toward alleviating his loneliness.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. You think there’s enough for one more?”

“I see you accosted our delivery person.” TJ followed Julian around the sofa, trying to take the boxes, before giving up and letting Julian set them on the coffee table. “Did you tip well?”

“Of course.” Julian passed a large hand through his wavy hair before putting his palm on the side of TJ’s neck, “Do I look like a barbarian?”

“Jury’s out.”

“Hi Steve. I really hope you don’t mind me crashing. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Julian,” Steve nodded, the momentary shock had melted away and he smiled at the friendly greeting. “I know the feeling. The more the merrier.”

“What kept you up?” TJ asked as he opened the pizza boxes and lined them up in front of Steve and Julian.

“Too quiet.”

“Miles is with his mom,” TJ laid a hand on Julian’s wrist. “You really should be having celebratory naps when he’s with her, that little one is always going.”

“That he is.”

“Must be hard,” Steve said. Loading his plate with slices of pizza, he again considered leaving. He just couldn’t get behind facing the loneliness. He definitely understood too quiet. It might be more permanent for him than for Julian, but the feeling wasn’t easy no matter how long it prevailed.

“Just the first few days. It’s so much easier to adjust to his coming back than his being gone. He loves it there, she’s really a great mom. I just - I’m learning how to behave in both worlds.”

“Let’s eat and watch a movie, maybe that will distract both of you for a bit.” TJ moved past them both to turn the television on. “None of that I hope I’m not in the way nonsense from either of you.”

Steve sat back against the cushions, his plate piled with slices of pizza balanced on the sofa arm next to him. “You’re the boss.”

“Yeah, for now,” Julian teased, tossing napkins on top of the pizza boxes.

“I’m offended,” TJ pouted as he sat heavily on the cushion next to Julian, and sprawled half across Julian’s leg.

Steve snickered before taking a bite of one of his slices of pizza. The trio settled into the comfy sofa in hopes that the movie could distract them.

<<<>>>>

The vibrating phone in his pocket woke Steve. At some point in the movie, the sleep that had eluded him all evening had taken over. He didn’t bother looking at the phone, just slipped out of TJ’s apartment, leaving TJ and Julian snoozing on the opposite end of the sofa.

He tapped a quick reply to Sam, and took the stairs by twos and threes, silent except for one stair that creaked if you breathed on it. In his apartment, he sent TJ a thank you and another Valentine’s day wish before grabbing his gear from beside the door, deciding that he could change clothes on the way. Off to Lagos, for what he hoped would be a quick recon mission.

[melio-theeventuallawyer]

Studyblr Intro Post - Hi!

Hello Studyblr World!

I’ve sort of been lurking/posting in the studyblr community for a while now, but I want to really get more involved this year, especially because I have a Youtube channel I’m trying to grow now x Sooo, here is my official introduction post! 

About Me:

My name is Melissa

Pronouns are she/her and I just turned 22 a few days ago!

I’m starting my final year of Politics and International Relations after doing a year abroad in Berlin last year

I study at Queen Mary University in London but am from the US

This is my sideblog & studyblr I made, which goes along with my Youube channel MeliO - my main account is @equinesanonymous, where I post everything else (tbh most of it is quite political at the moment, but I try to keep this account a sort of peaceful place!)

I am the sort of person who need to be super organised. I always have an email inbox at 0, and write down everything, from what I want to say on the phone with a friend to ideas for writing. So as you can imagine, bullet journals are basically my life. 

But I also spend no time at all making them 'aesthetic’ because I am

 not an artistic person

Academic Stuff

I'm just starting my dissertation on how farmers and agrarian communities are utilizing legal challenges to fight devastating climate change. It’s a super interesting topic that coincides with a lot of my personal interests, but my goodness it is very depressing mostly because all of our lives will be drastically changed in the next few decades due to climate change and we’re doing very little to stop that because of the inherent short-termism that capitalism is built to reward and we need to restructure our entire attitude to the natural world and way of living in it to actually stop the most devastating change but even if we stopped emitting tomorrow we can still expect huge amounts of destruction suffering and dramatic change so that’s something to look forward to.

I’m going into law after I graduate, so I will be doing the GDL (conversion course, basically a legal catch up degree because I didn’t study law in undergrad) and LPC/SQE in London over the next 2 years. I'll then be working for 2 years in a City law firm in London!  Hence my name - eventually, I will someday actually be a lawyer (solicitor to be exact)

Interests

Environmentalism/activism (as may be guessed from my disso topic)

I love gardening and have a continually-growing plant collection

Social justice & change (tho I post more on my @equinesanonymous account)

Romantic period movies & crime/legal dramas (unlike the rest of humanity apparently, I thought Broadchurch was amazing)

I basically listen exclusively to either classic rock or low-fi study music between the hours of 6 am and 10 pm, then between 11 and 5, I listen to one radio station that does classical music)

I love horses. I rode loads before starting university and have started itching to get back into it, but it's very tricky being on a student budget and schedule! But I have big plans for some horse-related adventures in the future so we'll see what that holds :)

I am NOT a fan of online uni - I genuinely miss going to lectures!

I write articles for some online journals! Mostly about politics and law

What do I do on here? Why do I have a Studyblr/Tube?

I like to make content. It's so cool that I can post something and other people think 'yeah that's pretty too/or that's helpful thanks!'. So that’s part of it, particularly for my tumblr

The study community is so lovely and uplifting, I want to make my own place in it and get involved!

Particularly with the process of getting into law in the UK/getting a vacation scheme/training contract, I think I have built up quite a lot of understanding of the system and experience which I hope can be helpful to other people looking to do the same. That’s mainly videos I plan on making for my Youtube channel, so if that’s something you’re interested in be sure to subscribe here!

Goals (for the next year-ish)

Finish my short story (surprise! I’m writing a short story!) 

Continue studying Russian (I'm juuusstt starting now, but I want to finish my textbook by the end of the year, which goes up to like, advanced beginner level)

Keep improving my German (I'm about B.2 level after studying in Berlin for 6 months last year, but I want to not forget any of it!)  

Perhaps take up Spanish!

Finish my dissertation and get a first in my overall degree, even with basically my entire degree being online this year :/

Grow my Youtube and Tumblr, and just get involved here, make some friends, and hopefully help some people

Post things relatively frequently, but not obsess over having them be very aesthetic or pretty, just enjoy the process of making them 

Who inspired me?

@myhoneststudyblr @her-muses @fluencylevelfrench @lattesandlearning @coffeeandbookworld @unknown-notes @kimcaaam @studywithmariana @busy-study @saff-studies @imperfect-productivity @thestupidlawstudent @autumndesk​ @memoirs-of-a-future-lawyer​ @audreys-notes​ @german-lingots​ @life-and-law-studies​ @lawandcaffeine​ 

Also message me please! I want to hear from people and chat about uni - especially with everything being all weird and virtual this year 

[the-music-keeper]

To-do list for break.

Cause of course I need to be productive over break. Obviously.

1. Apply for summer Smithsonian internships. (Crossing my fingers there's one available for a hopeful musicologist.)

2. Apply for campus jobs for the spring semester. (Hey, I actually got this done! Yay!)

3. Apply for other summer jobs. (Hopefully something music-related.)

4. GRE Prep. (Any and all math knowledge has just completely flown out of my head. And can you blame me? I haven't taken a math class in four years!)

5. Compose things. (Very important -- I have until mid-March to put a program together.)

6. Practice things. (Dr. Piitz didn't forget about the Ravel sonatine. I fooled myself.)

7. Read things. (I would really like to put a dent in that pile of books in my room.)

8. Keep the queue filled. (I did SO GOOD this year! Aren't y'all proud of me? :D :D :D)

9. Work on and record my audition for jazz ensembles next semester. (That was NOT enough time. SERIOUSLY.)

10. Start working to create an awesome musicology/ethnomusicology club. (Someone mentioned the idea to me and I jumped on it so fast I didn't even realize what was happening until I was typing a message to the Instagram page of an anthropology club across the country because I couldn't find ANY undergrad musicology clubs ANYWHERE. WHY IS THIS SUCH A NICHE THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND)

11. Clean out my inbox. (A very necessary chore.)

12. Write some thank-you notes. (They'll be sent out tomorrow! Today's Sunday, so they wouldn't go anywhere today.)

I have a little under a month until school starts again (and an extra two weeks before I move back to campus, thanks to stupid COVID). I'm not anticipating getting much done this week, because it's Christmas week, but next week? Hopefully I can bite a big chunk out of this list.

[carmenlire]

Off the Record Ch. II

read chapter one

read on ao3

Alec types copy on his laptop just as the overhead announcement comes on that they’ll be landing soon. He’s needs to get this piece to The Times by the end of the day and he’s always preferred writing during flights instead of anything else.

A journalist’s work is never done, not even when they’re thirty thousand feet in the air.

A flight attendant walks passed with a pointed look at his laptop, though she doesn’t say anything. Alec knows from experience that he has five minutes until she’ll be making another round and then he really will need to pack away his computer and prepare for landing.

Taking those five minutes, Alec finishes his draft by the seat of his pants, furiously typing his conclusion just as he sees the flight attendant enter his section of the plane. Hastily shutting his computer and sliding it into his bag, he relaxes back in his seat as he turns his head to look out the window.

He’s only been gone for a few weeks but every time he comes back to The States, something settles in him. It’s home, after all, and fuck knows that Alec is out of the country as often as he’s here.

The landing is unremarkable and thankfully, his is one of the first rows that exits the plane. Perks of being in first class, he thinks wryly, and stands whenever there’s room, reaching for his bag in the overhead compartment.

Hailing a cab doesn’t take more than a few minutes and Alec barely has to think about it before he’s rattling off the address to CNN’s office. While he’d love nothing more than going directly home and crashing for the next twelve hours, he needs to swing by headquarters and get caught up on what he’s missed since he was last in the city.

It takes a grueling forty five minutes to get there as they’re stuck in rush hour traffic and Alec climbs out of the cab thankful to escape, his bag in hand. He’s immediately hit with the sun’s warmth, a little brazen for so early in spring.

Readjusting the grip on his bag, Alec strides towards the glass doors of the building, nodding at the doorman who’s worked there since before Alec was even born.

He passes a few people who welcome him back and he ends up talking shop with a research assistant for almost twenty minutes before finally making it to the bank of elevators. He’s with a handful of people, most of whom look to be interns and he gives them an easy smile whenever they catch his eye with unsubtle once-overs.

They leave on the floor before his and as Alec strides out onto one of the office floors, he’s struck with homecoming. While he loves his unit in Midtown, he’s been part of CNN for almost five years now and this building is just as much home as anywhere else.

He doesn’t run into anyone in the hallway and as he enters his office, he sets his bag down on the coffee table he passes on his way to his desk.

Collapsing into the chair, Alec boots up his computer. The sun’s all but disappeared over the horizon by the time he surfaces, having gone through the emails he’d put off until he was back in New York. While he’d worked his ass off in Norway covering the president’s summit, things always seemed to pile up if he didn’t tend to them every hour.

His stomach rumbles but he’s only vaguely aware of it. He’s much more interested in finishing the opinion piece whose deadline is fast approaching. Thankfully, the flight had been productive as hell and he’d finished the content-- now it was just time to revise.

It’s a couple of hours before he’s satisfied with the article. It’s only about a thousand words concerning the potential ramifications of the meeting overseas and the effect the president’s behavior might have on foreign alliances and while it’s a good piece, that doesn’t mean that Alec isn’t annoyed as he reads over it.

Goddamn but he missed the previous administration.

Hitting send on the email to the EIC at the New York Times, Alec stretches, cracking his neck and muttering a curse at the tension he feels bleeding into his shoulders.

Standing with a groan, Alec leaves his office, heading to the mailroom. There’s a bundle waiting for him along with a handful of ARCs that he’s been sent. He regularly receives manuscripts so that he can review them-- a line from him on the cover of a book is well sought-after, though Alec will never understand why everyone cares so damn much about his own opinion on someone else's work.

Hands full, Alec drops the shit off back at his office before taking the elevator up a few floors to the newsroom. Looking at his watch, he sees that he can catch the ten o’clock news hour and so he slips into the area, watching the night news co-hosts catch the country up on what’s new.

Lydia and Underhill are an unexpected team. They work well together, sharing little jokes that somehow make the viewer feel included. They’re two of TV’s top news personalities and thankfully, they’re also good people when they’re not in front of a camera.

Alec watches quietly, a spot of stillness behind the scenes while everyone else is working to keep things running smoothly. He ends up watching the entire hour. Jet lag is quickly catching up to him and there’s something in the familiar routine of it all that has Alec half-asleep on his feet.

He comes to attention, however, as he hears his name.

“Luckily for us, it looks like Alec Lightwood just landed today. Hopefully, he’ll be making a few guest appearances as our political analyst before he’s off to the next headline.”

Lydia chuckles as she briefly looks away from the camera, meeting Alec’s eyes with laughter in her own. “Who knows, Steve, maybe we’ll even get him to co-host the news with us sometime soon. Goodness knows our ratings always increase when he’s on air.”

Chuckling a little, Alec just shakes his head while glaring half-assed at the two of them.

They wrap up a moment later and as they push away from the table, Alec comes over to their desk.

Smiling at them both, Alec just says, “Really?”

“We couldn’t resist,” is all Underhill says back, laughing as he they shake hands.

“Yeah,” Lydia agrees. “Plus, it’s the truth. Every time your face graces our camera, we gets a ratings boost. Everyone wants their news delivered by someone who looks like he’d much rather be writing his memoir on a Parisian sidewalk than galavanting all over the world reporting on Asshole McGee, etc.”

“Whatever puts bread on the table,” Alec replies easily, even as he grimaces. While he knew covering the president was important and an honor, this particular president made that honor dubious at best and a punishment from hell on some days.

“So, what brings you here, Lightwood? I figured you’d be holed up in your apartment sleeping off your assignment.”

Alec shrugs. “I wanted to come in and catch up on work. Plus, I was on deadline for something.”

“Ah deadline,” Lydia and Underhill say at the same time. They all know how that goes.

“It’s almost midnight,” Lydia admonishes, standing and gathering up her paper. “Go home, Alec.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on my way out now. I just wanted to see how you two were doing and catch a few segments from New York’s best.”

Scoffing, Underhill follows the two of them toward the elevator. “Flattery will get you everywhere but I won’t forget that you owe me fifty bucks.”

Alec barks out a laugh as he pushes the button for the office floor. “You’re really going to hold me to that?”

“You bet your ass, Lightwood. You bet me fifty dollars that I wouldn’t make a move on Declan before the month was out and we just had our second date last night.”

Reaching for his wallet, Alec grumbles good naturedly. “Good to know that all it took was money for you to finally get up the courage to ask the PA out. You’ve only been pining from afar for a decade.”

Underhill rolls his eyes. “He’s only been with us eight months. To a tortoise, that’s a blink of an eye.”

Lydia laughs as she leans against the wall. “I lost that bet, too,” she says ruefully. “I thought it would take another eight months for you to even ask him for coffee sometime.”

Underhill just grins smugly at them both and when the elevator doors open a second later, he strides out ahead of Lydia and Alec, throwing out a goodnight over his shoulder.

Lydia doesn’t say anything as she follows Alec to his office. He’d left the lights on and from his vantage point, he sees the New York skyline through his windows.

He loves this city and on the thirtieth floor, the lights make everything seem like a picture, the epitome of New York elegance.

Going over to his computer, Alec skims through the half dozen emails that have accumulated in his inbox in the couple of hours he was aware and decides that everything can wait until tomorrow.

Lydia shuts the door behind her and Alec ignores it in favor of turning his computer off, reaching for his phone and checking his notifications, frowning a little as he sees a missed call from his sister.

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” he replies distractedly. “Izzy just called a few hours ago.”

“Maybe you should call her back,” lydia offers innocuously and Alec looks up as he locks his phone and shoves it in his pocket.

“I will when I get home.”

Rounding his desk, Alec walks toward his sitting area. It was nothing unduly fancy, just a few chairs with a long sofa behind a glass topped coffee table. It was hideously modern-- too clean for Alec’s taste-- but it was what everyone expected him to favor and he was too busy most days to remember that the couches were uncomfortable and that glass showed dust much too easily with his travel schedule.

“Alec.”

Alec pauses from where he’d been reaching for his bag, hand hanging mid air for a moment before it drops to his side.

“What.” His voice is curt, a little cool, but Alec can’t bring himself to care. He’d known when Lydia started following him what she’d wanted to discuss and just the thought of broaching this particular topic makes his teeth grind.

It’s part frustration, part anger, part a dozen other emotions that he does his best to shove down every minute of every day.

Settling into one corner of the couch, Lydia shifts a little, crossing one leg over another in a move that Alec recognizes as her power position. Lydia’s serious and she’s trying to project a calm, capable image.

“We can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this.”

Alec doesn’t say anything for a moment. Instead, he sighs before running a hand through his hair. Going over to the drink cart he’d installed a few years ago, Alec turns over two tumblers and pours a splash of whiskey in each of them.

Turning back to Lydia, he hands one over on his way to a chair that sits facing one of his oldest friends.

He sits down and feels the weight he seems to constantly carry shift. It’s a blanket that grows just a bit more oppressive each day and Alec doesn’t have the time or wherewithal to do much about it except let the bitterness grow until it lingers, until it coats his throat in a layer that feels as suffocating as oil.

They stare at each other for a beat before Lydia’s the one who’s sighing and taking a sip of her drink. She hums a little, turning the glass over in her hands, preoccupied. Alec lets her have the silence, even as it stretches his nerves taut.

Finally, Lydia looks up again. She’s wearing a smile that’s apologetic but Alec sees the happiness lurking underneath.

“I met someone,” Lydia says, breaking the quiet that’s draped the room. “His name is John and I think there’s really something there.”

“That’s great, Lydia.” Alec doesn’t have to pretend to be happy for Lydia-- his friend deserves all the happiness in the world and it’s wonderful to watch as she flushes, to see the way she looks so over the moon barely mentioning the man.

“Yeah, I’m really happy.” Lydia’s voice quiets a little, smile dimming as she studies Alec. “I want to take things public, though. I don’t want to hide my relationship and Christ, I really don’t want people coming out of the woodwork to accuse me of cheating. I can just imagine those headlines-- and the slant that would make you the sympathetic cuckold and me the bitchy villain.”

Alec waves that away. “Of course. We both knew this would end some day. I can’t wait to meet the guy who makes you look like that.”

“Like what,” Lydia asks, glaring as if she already knows what Alec’s going to say. With the longevity of their friendship, she probably does.

“Like you’re a cow-eyed teenager waxing poetic about Nick Carter.”

“Well,” Lydia says primly. “He was the hottest Backstreet Boy.”

Sighing, Alec agrees. “Tell me about it.”

There’s a beat of quiet before Lydia’s uncrossing her legs, leaning over the coffee table and laying a hand on Alec’s knee.

“Are you really okay,” she asks, eyes probing.

“Of course,” Alec says softly. “How couldn’t I be when my oldest friend is head over heels for some guy?”

Lydia doesn’t say anything right away, instead squinting at Alec in a move that’s horribly familiar. Finally though, she settles back in her seat and drains the rest of her glass.

“It’s okay if you’re not, you know. We’ve been doing this so long that it almost seems sacrilege to call things off now.”

Laughing a little, Alec nods. “It’s been a convenient arrangement.”

“I don’t have to worry about any assholes coming onto me when everyone knows we’re dating and you get to keep your secret-- or at least have plausible deniability.”

“Win-win,” Alec agrees. “And let’s not forget that it was handy having a date to all those boring ass events. It’s hard as hell attending dinners and shows and whatever the fuck else we need to with company that doesn’t make one want to gouge their eyes out with the soup spoon.”

“Who knows? Maybe this is the jump start you need to find someone on your own.”

“I’m sure,” Alec says sardonically, “That while you go off on your domestic way, I’ll become a confirmed bachelor.”

Lydia frowns as though she’s upset. “Don’t act like that, Alec.”

Alec just raises a brow, sending her an arch look. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do,” Lydia exclaims, exasperated. Alec’s eyes widen at the outburst. “Don’t deflect,” she demands, pointing an accusatory finger in his directions.

“You always do this. You’re thirty two, Alec, and I hate the thought of you waking up one day steeped in regret and loneliness.”

“Where are you planning on going,” he says mechanically. He winces before the words have even left his mouth, waving off Lydia’s impending tirade.

“Ignore that. So you want me to-- what? Just because you’ve found someone, that means I need to throw my career away for the first man who looks in my direction?”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. Don’t twist my words.”

Alec’s voice is cool as he replies, “No, I think that’s exactly what you’re suggesting. We’ve been over this a hundred times, Lydia. Our arrangement worked perfectly because both of us were too focused on our careers to mess with dating. However, you appear to have met someone and while I’m thrilled for you, both of us know that’s just not in the cards for me.”

“It’s 2019, Alec. Surely you don’t think everything would come crashing down if you came out.”

“Maybe not,” Alec allows. “I don’t think CNN would cast me out on the streets. I don’t think I’d become a destitute has-been. I could still work in this field. But we both know that the career I’ve pursued for the past decade necessitates that I travel a good part of the year. I’m out of New York as often as I’m here and a lot of the time I’m going on dangerous assignments where my journalist credentials are the only thing standing between me and death or imprisonment.

“If it got out I was gay? I’d be lucky to go out in the field anymore and I’d be even luckier if I wasn’t thrown in jail-- or worse-- the minute I landed in some of those countries. That’s the reality, Lydia. I’d be relegated to a desk job, writing about the news instead of living it. I need to be on the front lines. I’m not willing to sacrifice my career just for the possibility that I might meet a man someday who I want to settle down with. Actually, I think it’s brazen and a little unrealistic that there’s even someone like that out there for me.”

“That’s what I thought too, you know. But John is wonderful and while I don’t have to choose between him and my career, he means a lot. I just want you to find someone one day who will make you feel like that, too. Like they're the most important person in the world.”

“I have my work and that’s enough motivation for me, don’t worry.” Alec’s voice is brisk as he smiles encouragingly.

“Whatever you say, Alec. I just don’t want you to focus so much on your career that you forget that there are other things worth living for. The job isn’t everything, no matter how much you love it or how prestigious it becomes.”

“Wise words from a fellow workaholic,” Alec notes with a sardonic look, taking a sip of his whiskey.

Lydia just shrugs. “Maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience, then. I didn’t know until I met someone.”

“Never say never. Got it,” Alec replies and the two of them laugh before Lydia sighs and stands up, laying her glass on the coffee table with a light thud.

“Speak of the devil, I have plans with my boyfriend tonight. I should get going.”

“It’s almost midnight,” Alec remarks. “What could your plans possibly be,” he asks with a raised brow.

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” she chastises. “He’s a doctor and just got off shift. We’re meeting for dinner a few blocks from the hospital.”

Standing as well, Alec swallows the last of his whiskey, wincing. “Enjoy your date, then, and I guess I’ll see you soon enough-- though not in public it seems."

“Not for awhile,” Lydia agrees. “No one needs rumours of that. We had a good run, Alec, but I’m dumping you.”

Alec throws back his head, letting his laughter ring throughout the room. He wipes an imaginary tear from his eye. “And here I thought we were going to go the distance. Just leave me and my broken heart to wallow.”

Lydia laughs softly as she takes a step toward him. Wrapping her arms around his middle, Lydia’s voice is muffled as she says, “Thanks for being so understanding. I would’ve hated it if this would’ve come between us.”

Returning the hug, Alec tightens his arms a little as he lets his chin rest on top of Lydia’s chin. “Nah,” he says easily. “We’ve been friends too long for anything to affect us. So, you’re falling for someone. It was bound to happen sometime and I’m not enough of a bastard to want anything to stand in the way of you and your happiness.”

“You’re a good friend, Alec.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says, standing back. “Don’t let it get around that I’m not actually an asshole. I have a reputation to maintain.”

“Whatever,” Lydia replies. “You’re a giant softie and I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

Alec gasps dramatically, raising a hand to his chest in dismay. “Whatever do you mean.”

Poking him in the shoulder, his friend just offers, “People might think you’re a little cold around the edges, but everyone knows you’re a good guy deep down. The sheer amount of charity work you do speaks to that, no matter the fan accounts of running into you all over the city.”

“Lies,” Alec says, dismissive. “Lies and hearsay.”

Lydia snorts. “You’re such a dork.”

Alec grins waving Lydia off as she heads toward the door. “You know you love it.”

He hears her mutter, “God knows why,” underneath her breath before she’s striding toward her own office to call it a day.

Left alone, Alec’s office feels unnaturally quiet after the last half hour. He stands for a minute, unmoving before shaking his head and grabbing his shit.

He throws his jacket on and sweeps up his bag. Making sure that he isn’t leaving anything he’ll need until tomorrow, Alec shuts the lights off and locks his office.

At this hour, there’s just a skeleton crew in the building and Alec nods to a few people he recognizes as he makes his way downstairs.

The cab ride to his apartment is uneventful and now that things have calmed down a little, he feels exhaustion riding him hard. Unfortunately, he’s just crossed the threshold of his bedroom when he remembers that Izzy called him earlier in the evening.

With a groan, Alec takes the time to shower and change into fresh clothes before he plucks his phone from his discarded jeans and dials a number he knows from heart. Thankfully, his sister is a night owl and the phone has just started it’s second ring when he hears it pick up.

“Good evening, hermano. How are you?”

“Hey, Iz,” Alec greets warmly. “I’m doing okay, just got back to my place actually. How about you?”

“Oh, same old, same old,” she returns. “Work is fun as always even if it makes me want to tear my hair out on a regular basis. I’m sure I’ll have my first gray hair before I’m thirty at this rate.”

“But you can’t even fathom doing anything else,” Alec says knowingly.

“You’re right, of course,” Izzy sighs. “Even if I’ve taken on more of an administrative role, I still love working in the lab whenever I get the chance. But, that’s not why I’m calling.”

“No,” Alec says, tone insouciant even over the phone. “I didn’t think you’d call me just to wax rhapsodic about science. You usually keep those calls to the daytime.”

“Whatever,” his sister laughs and the sound makes something settle in Alec as he wanders out of his bedroom toward the foyer where he’d dropped his mail off earlier. He didn’t see Isabelle as often as he might like even if they did meet up at least once a week when he was in town. It was nice to talk to her, even if she was talking about things Alec didn’t really have an interest in. It was important to Izzy and that meant Alec would-- and definitely had-- listen to her talk about chemistry and whatever the shit until she was blue in the face.

“Do you have plans for tomorrow? Specifically the morning.”

“Uh, no. Not that I can think of.” Alec thinks over his schedule and while he knew that he’d be in New York for a couple of weeks at least, there was nothing pressing for the foreseeable future. Honestly, tomorrow he’d just figured that he’d have a rest day, catching up on his sleep and the latest season of a Netflix Original that he hadn’t seen yet.

“Well, you do now. We’re getting you a suit for that thing you have next week.”

Flipping through bills, bills, and a packet of coupons to Burger King, Alec just raises a brow at the stack of mail in his hand. “Oh we are, are we? Since when?”

He can almost hear Isabelle roll her eyes on the other end of the line. “Since you told me that you had that press dinner at the end of the month and you were planning on going to Brooks Brothers for an outfit.”

“I also mentioned Armani,” Alec says absently. “They’re usually my go to for important events.”

“Armani, shmarmani,” Isabelle says impatiently. “I got us a consult with a different designer.”

Intrigued Alec merely prompts, “Oh?”

“He’s only the biggest name in fashion and I’m sure he can take you from your steady eight into the twelve range at least.”

“Hey,” Alec protests mildly. “I feel like I should be insulted by that.”

“Don’t be,” Izzy says dryly. “I’m a ten and even if you do clean up well, you’re no match for me.”

Alec huffs out a laugh. “If you say so, then.”

“Anyway,” she continues lightly. “I called him up and he agreed to meet with you tomorrow at ten. So bad news if you were planning on sleeping in but I wanted to make sure that he had enough time to make your suit.”

“You’ve got me on tenterhooks. Who is this designer I’m meeting?”

“Magnus Bane,” Izzy says excitedly, like she just announced that the Prince of Sheba was going to be outfitting him.

“Who,” Alec asks, squinting into nothing as he tries to put a face to the name.

“Really, Alec?” Isabelle’s voice is exasperated, though Alec really thinks that she has no one to blame but herself if she expected Alec to have a Rolodex of designers in his head. He knew half a dozen and most of them were because they’d met. Alec knew what he liked and once he found a designer that could cater his image, he rarely strayed.

“Yes, Isabelle. Really. You know that I mainly stick to Armani or Gucci whenever I need something more formal. Who’s this Magnus Bane?”

“Only the most talented designer of our generation, hermano. He’s the youngest designer on Forbes Fortune 500 and a true visionary. He’s phenomenally talented. His runways are always exclusive as hell and people have been known to bribe other attendees to put in a good word with him so that they can receive an invitation.”

“And does that work?”

“Not really,” Isabelle admits. “Magnus is pretty strict on who he wants at his shows. He usually thinks flattery is meaningless.”

“Good for him then,” Alec says, his estimation of this Magnus raising a level or two.

“Yeah, he’s a really good guy. Very down to earth even if he does own one of the top fashion empires in the world. I’ve worked with him a few times and we’ve become friends over the years.” She takes a breath. “All of that to say that he’s been kind enough to squeeze us into his very busy schedule.”

“Why go to all the trouble? I’m perfectly fine with what I have.”

“I’m sure you are,” his sister retorts breezily. “You’re stuck in a rut, though. I think you two could be good for each other.”

Padding his way into the kitchen, Alec reaches for a glass in the cupboard before filling it with water. “What do you mean? Even if I like his design, it’s a business transaction, nothing more. I hardly think I’ll talk to Bane after I get the suit.”

“You never know,” is all Isabelle says and while her tone is cryptic as fuck, Alec just attributes it to her usual behaviour.

“Well, what time is this meeting?”

“Ten o’clock sharp.”

“Great,” he mutters. “It’s not like I haven’t slept in thirty hours or anything.”

“Great,” Izzy echoes, tone much brighter.

“Whatever you’re planning, get it out of your head,” Alec mutters.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever.” Looking at the clock, he curses as he sees it's officially after midnight. He's still running on Norway time, though, and it's early morning for him.

He's so tired his eyes burn. Jesus Christ, he thinks.

“Text me the address and I’ll meet you there in the morning. Anything else I should know?”

He hears Izzy hum over the line before she says, “No, that’s about it. Try not to look like you rolled out of bed if at all possible and be on time. Magnus hates when people are late.”

“Lucky we have that in common, then.”

“I’ll see you in the morning. If you don’t have anything after, we could get lunch?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Alec confirms. “Bye, Iz.”

“Bye, Alec.”

With that, he hangs up and drains the glass of water he’d been staring at for the past five minutes.

He all but collapses into bed. He’s almost asleep before he remembers that he needs to set an alarm and the brightness of his phone sears his retinas in the dark room. He’s sleepy and cranky for it. He needs to pass out for eight hours and has high hopes that will make him feel like a human again.

It’s like the past week has caught up with him in a rush and Alec feels like jello as he sinks into the bed. A thought keeps niggling at him, though.

With a sigh, he shifts onto his side, pulling his pillow closer until he’s half-hugging it. He’s been dating Lydia for years now. She’d been his cover since they’d graduated college and she’s been a close friend since middle school.

When they’d first been starting out, neither of them had wanted to take their eye off the prize. So, they’d made a pact to be each other’s plus ones. They were already close enough that most people who didn’t know them thought they were dating. It was nothing to ask Lydia to be his date to a dinner or accompany him to a charity gala. He's done the same for her on dozens of occasions. It was a system that worked for them.

They let other people draw their own conclusions. It suited their purposes.

Especially his.

While Alec might have discreet affairs, everything is always kept hushed. Like he’d told Lydia tonight, he’s not willing to let anything come between him and his career. He likes travelling and he’s worked damned hard to gain the clearance and clout that he’s accumulated.

It might bust his balls that he can’t be open, that he has to have plausible deniability and shut down any rumours that he might not be straight swiftly and uncategorically, but it’s his life and he long ago accepted that some things could never be meant for him.

More’s the pity.

As his breathing grows deep and his thoughts become hazy, Alec’s secure in the knowledge that he’s doing what’s best. He can’t imagine a man ever meaning as much as his career-- let alone more, what the fuck-- and he’s content with the life he’s built.

He’s one of the most famous journalists in the world and everything’s looking up with no sign of stopping.

And with that, he switches gears.

His last thought before he drifts off is about this Magnus Bane. Alec may never have heard of him but if Izzy’s singing his praises then he must be good. He only hopes that Bane will listen to him and not try to thrust his style onto Alec.

He’s humoring this designer for Izzy and because he figures why the hell not. However, wants someone who will listen to him, who won’t just take his measurements and do whatever the hell he wants.

Alec supposes everything will shake out in the morning and with that he falls asleep, ending another day that’s like any other.

[bornconfused444]

This took me 3 days to complete

Did you have a good day yesterday? Not at all I know 100% today will be better. What about today? How has your day been so far? It’s been boring as fuck. Do you think tomorrow will be enjoyable for you? Yes. How many pairs of earphones do you own? One. What colour are the earphones you use the most? White. Who is your favourite person to have a deep conversation with? I don’t know. Do you remember what you had for lunch yesterday? I didn’t have anything for lunch. Who/what has been on your mind the most today? Boyfriend. He’s been working all day I miss him. XD Does/did the last person you text messaged go to the same school as you? Nope.

What kind of personality are you attracted to? I don’t know I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to. Is there anything worrying you? Kind of. I’m afraid my boyfriend is gonna back out to hang out in the last second but I hope he doesn’t because he seemed as excited to see me as I was to see him. If so, have you talked to anyone about it? No. Have you ever liked someone that your friend also liked? Yes. When was the last time you were asked out? 4 months ago. Did you accept or decline? Accepted. Which one of your friends would you say you’re most similar to? Ashley. What colour are the eyes of the last person you held hands with? Brown. What colour was the last lipstick you put on? Deep red. Have you ever worn lipstick in an unusual colour, like black or blue? Yes. I used to have blue lipstick actually. Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for? Yeah, it is. Is there someone of the opposite sex that you can talk to about anything? Not anything but almost anything. What did your last Facebook status say? I don’t remember. How many likes/comments did it get? - Are you looking forward to anything? Hopefully hanging out with the boyfriend in like 15 minutes. The last time you cried, what was wrong? Massive fight with the boyfriend. Should you be doing something else right now? Getting ready to go out.

What time is it? 4:43 pm What’s today’s date? June 25, 2017 What do you like the most about your own appearance? My eyes or smile. What do you like the most about your own personality? I’m caring. If you were a highlighter pen, what colour would you be? I don’t know purple? What did you drink at the last party you went to? Vodka because it’s just what I drink. Does the last person you text messaged have any tattoos or piercings? Nope. Outside of family, who was the first person you talked to today? Boyfriend. Is there anything you would like to tell someone, but don’t know how? No. Someone asks if you’re okay, but you’re not. Do you tell them the truth? Nope. What colour is your wallet/purse? My purse is brown my wallet is black and silver. Does your shirt have buttons? No. Other than your sheets and pillows, what’s on your bed right now? A charger. How did you celebrate your last birthday? I just chilled with friends and the boyfriend. If you could live a year of your life over again, which year would it be? When I was like 3 because I didn’t have a care in the world. Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? No. Do you know a James? Tell me about him. Yes, I went to school with him and he was pretty funny but other than that I don’t know him very well. Which TV channel(s) do you watch the most? I don’t really watch tv much anymore. Do you have a favourite photo of the person you love/like? Nope. Do you know anyone who doesn’t like Coca-Cola? Yeah. What are the initials of the last male you talked to? RT. Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up this morning? Nope. If so, who were they from? - Explain the last time you laughed really hard. I don’t know when that was. Explain your last awkward moment. I don’t know. Which one of your friends is most likely to embarrass you in public? I don’t know. Does the person you love/like have any cute quirks or mannerisms? Yes. When was the last time you went out to eat? It’s been like 3 weeks. What did you order? I don’t actually remember. If you could dye your hair any colour which would you choose? Light brown. What was the last fruit you ate? I don’t remember.. What’s the relationship status of the last person you talked to? In a relationship. At what age do you think you’ll be ready for children? Never. How long would you be prepared to wait for someone, before you gave up? Not very long. How did you meet the last male you text messaged? Mutual friends. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? I don’t remember. Who was the last person you had an argument or disagreement with? Boyfriend. If you’re worried or upset, who is usually the first person to notice? Depends on who’s around me. Are you attracted to the last person that put their arms around you? Yes. Do you have anything in your pockets? No. When you’re angry, what do you do to help yourself calm down? Sleep or listen to music. How recently did you speak to the person you have feelings for? Today. What form of communication did you speak to them in (e.g. text, Facebook)? Text. Think of the person you dislike the most. Why do you dislike them? They were trying to purposely make me miserable because they hate themselves. Have you ever disliked anyone without good reason? Yeah. What are your plans for tonight? Chill with the boyfriend. What star sign is the last person you text messaged? I don’t remember. How did you feel when you woke up today? Refreshed I actually slept really good. Who was your best friend 5 years ago? Taylor. Do you still talk to that person? Nope. Do you know what the person you have feelings for is doing at this moment? Yes. When was the last time you had an alcoholic drink? Been a while. Who was the last person to make you cry with laughter? I don’t know. Who was the last person you talked about sex/relationships with? Boyfriend. How do you feel about answering sexual questions when filling in surveys? I don’t care. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? I don’t remember. Are they in a relationship? - Which would annoy you more - a one-word response, or a long paragraph? One word. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Nope. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? He was funny and the most caring person I’ve ever met. Is there anything you would like to tell someone? Nope. How many months until it’s your birthday? 10. How old will you be? 24. Have you felt your heart racing today? No. Who was the last person you bought a gift for? I don’t know. What was it? - In your phone, who is the first contact listed under ‘R’? Don’t feel like looking. How did you meet him/her? - Who introduced you to the person you have feelings for? Mutual friends. How many brothers does your father have? 5. Have you ever had a crush on someone several years older than yourself? Only celebrities. Does your best friend have any tattoos? Nope. When was the last time you did something which you knew was wrong? Jaywalked last night. What if the last person you kissed, accused you of no longer wanting them? Lol that would be odd considering that we just made up. If you find out someone’s been talking about you, do you confront them? Yeah. What’s the first letter of your surname? M. Is there anything happening in the near future, that you’re dreading? No. The last time you felt let down or disappointed, who was to blame? Myself. What was the last thing you purchased from a convenience store? I don’t know. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? I don’t actually remember who that was. Can you think of an animal that starts with the same letter as your name? Elephant. Which one of your friends are you most likely to argue or disagree with? Any of them lmao. What colour was the ink of the last pen you wrote with? Blue. If you married the last male you talked to, what would your initials be? EAT. LOL sounds good. What song relates to your life right now? Strangers by Halsey. Name a song that reminds you of someone you miss. Santa Monica by Theory of a Deadman.

Think of a word that rhymes with the name of the person you love/like. I don’t think a word rhymes with his name lmao. Do you have a keepsake/memories box? If so, what’s in it? No. If I gave you money and told you to treat yourself, what would you buy? McDonald’s honestly I’ve been craving it for weeks lmao. Your ex appears at your door with flowers & chocolates. How do you respond? Ask him what he wants. Are you wearing anything pink? No. When was the last time you talked to one of your parents? A little bit ago.When they were alive.

What did you talk about? I don’t remember. Give me a random fact about the person you have feelings for. He has brown hair. What was the last yellow food you ate? Does pasta count as yellow? It’s kinda yellow kinda brown. Who was the last person you ignored? Why? I don’t know. Name one thing that reminds you of your best friend. Marilyn Manson lmao. The last time you were upset, who was to blame? Myself lmao. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? They think I’m annoying. How many text messages do you have in your inbox atm? A lot. When was the last time you had a difficult decision to make? Today.

In school, what subjects do/did you find the most difficult? Math. Do you still speak to the person you had your first kiss with? Nope. Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? I don’t remember who that was. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? Some random that I denied. <-- same. Do you know what colour his/her eyes are? Nope. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? I don’t know. What does your handwriting look like? Depends on the day really. Do you use any products on your hair, other than shampoo and conditioner? Sometimes I do. What colour was the shirt you wore yesterday? Blue. What was the last non-essential item you bought? Energy drink. Who were your best friends in primary school? Amanda and Hilary. Do you still speak to any of them? No. Is there a song that reminds you of someone you don’t see/speak to anymore? Yeah. Do you still listen to that song? Sometimes. Who was the last person you text messaged? Boyfriend because I’m not sure if he’s still sleeping or dead lmao. Do you know when their birthday is? Yes. Are you wearing anything that you received as a gift from someone else? Nope. What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? I don’t remember. Who was the last person to poke you on Facebook? I don’t remember. When was the last time you saw that person? - The last time you were in a car, who was driving? Roommate. When was the last time someone apologised to you? I don’t know. Do you think they meant it? - Has anyone given you butterflies recently? Yeah. What’s the tastiest thing you’ve eaten today? A yogurt pop. Is there anything you would like to say to your ex? No. Think of the last person that made you cry. Did they apologise? Yes. Do you still enjoy eating ice-cream in the winter? I don’t enjoy ice cream for the most part anyways. Do you swear a lot? Sometimes. Have you ever been told off for swearing at school/work? Yes. Has someone of the opposite sex made you smile recently? Yeah. Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? No. The last time you said “leave me alone”, did you really mean it? Yes. Do you have plans for the weekend yet? I do it’s gonna be Canada Day!!!!! What were you doing 2 hours ago? Just waking up. Are you attracted to the last person that put their arms around you? Yes. Has anyone let you down recently? Yes. Have you met anyone new in the past month? Yeah. Would you prefer to be told the truth, even if it wasn’t nice to hear? Yes. What was the last thing you had to do, that you didn’t enjoy doing? Walking. Where was the last place you thought about having sex, other than your bed? I don’t know. Have you ever spilled anything on your computer? Yes. How long have you had your current mobile phone? Since December. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex asked for your number? I don’t know. Did you give it to them? - Do you care about the last person you Facebook messaged? Not really. When was the last time one of your parents bought something for you? When they were alive.

What was it? I don’t remember it’s been too long. If you HAD to become a teacher, what subject would you prefer to teach? English or gym. When was the last time you felt so ill, that you couldn’t get out of bed? I don’t know I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that. What was wrong with you? -

What was the last compliment you received? That I’m beautiful. Who gave it to you? Boyfriend. Do any of your close friends have children? Yea. Do you think you’ll have children within the next 5 years? I hope not. Do you know anyone who is currently pregnant? Yes. Have you ever had sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes. Have you said or done anything in the past week, that you regret? Yeah. What colour are your socks? I’m not wearing socks. Where did you get the shoes you’re wearing, or the last pair you wore? I don’t remember. Who was the last person that confided in you about something? Boyfriend. Do they often talk to you about personal issues? Yes. Outside of family, how many people do you fully trust? No one. I don’t fully trust anyone/ How many different beverages have you had in the last 24 hours? Like 2. Can you imagine getting married to the person you have feelings for? Nope. I don’t want to get married to anyone. Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? No. What do you remember the most about nursery school? I never went there. What colour is the tablecloth on your kitchen table? We don’t use table cloths. When was the last time a stranger sat next to you? The bus. Does it make you feel awkward when that happens? Nope that’s what happens when you’re on the bus. Who was the last person to enter the room, besides you? Roommate. What did he/she want?

Nothing. If I’m going to make you a sandwich, what should I put on it? I don’t want a sandwich. Which type of bread would you like? Whole wheat. Other than food, what was the last thing you bought for yourself? I don’t remember. Have you had any interesting dreams recently? Nope. What if you had a child with the last person you kissed? I wouldn’t I’d abort it. I’m going to make you dinner. Anything you’d particularly like? Mashed potatoes. Are there any foods you can’t/won’t eat? Yes. If I met you, what would my first impressions be? That I’m reserved. <-- and shy. Have you said or done anything recently, that you know has hurt anyone? Yes. Did you apologise for it? Yes. In your Facebook friends list, who is the first person listed under ’M’? I don’t want to look. What colour hair does he/she have? - When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? How late I slept for once. Are you nervous or anxious, for any reason at all? Nope. What colour are the eyes of the last male you talked to? Brown. What was the last thing you touched, other than your computer? My face. Is there anyone that you feel owes you an apology? Yes. What colour is the hair of the last female you talked to? Brown. Is that her natural hair colour? Yea. When was the last time you ate chocolate? What kind was it? Like a week ago it was a chocolate bar. What’s the most unhealthy thing you’ve eaten recently? I don’t know chips probably. How many living grandparents do you have? None. Have you ever kissed the last person you Facebook messaged? No. When was the last time someone/something surprised you? I don’t know. Were you surprised in a good way or a bad way? - Be honest. Have you had any dirty thoughts today? Nope. Where was the last place you took a bath/shower, other than your own house? I don’t remember. Has anyone ever told you that you have a dirty mind? Yeah. Do you remember the last dream you had about the person you love/like? Nope. Does the last person you text messaged smoke cigarettes? Not anymore. Who was the last person you talked to last night, before going to sleep? Boyfriend. What did you talk about? Things we have to do next week. When and where did you meet the last person you hugged? Mutual friends in January. Whose was the last number you added to your phone’s contacts list? I don’t know. How did you meet him/her? - Did you get enough sleep last night? Yes I got more than enough 10 hours plus the nap I just took. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Nope. How many framed photos are there, in the room you’re in? One. It’s my high school grad photo. What colour are the curtains in the room you’re in? Like a tan colour. What do you plan to do tomorrow? Was supposed to hang out with the boyfriend but that was supposed to happen today too and he slept in waaay too late so who knows at this point. What’s your favourite sport? Do you prefer to watch it or play it? Soccer and I prefer to play it more than watch it. Who was the last person to send you a friend request on Facebook? Some random girl. Have you ever been to that person’s house? No. Are you upset, for any reason at all? Kind of. Would you be embarrassed if your parents looked at your Facebook? Nope. What does your pencil case look like? What’s in it? I don’t have one anymore. Did the last person you kissed have facial hair? Yes. You’re locked in a room with your ex. Any problems? Yes. Be honest. What are you most afraid of? Right now that this tooth is actually infected and going to get worse. Do you have younger siblings? If you do, are you protective of them? No. How recently did you speak to the last person you kissed? Like 5 minutes ago. Have you ever had an argument with the last person you Facebook messaged? Nope. Do you have any plans for tonight? No. Where were you at 9 o'clock last night? Out and about. In the past week, have you slept past midday? Nope. I never do that. Do any of your friends or relatives have the same birthday as you? Nope. Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural colour? Accidentally dyed it red once. If not, would you ever think about it? Not on purpose no. Have you had any deep conversations today? No. Is your television on atm? Yes. If it is, what are you watching? The social. Are you wearing anything blue? Nope. Do you use Twitter? I don’t. Where are you located at this moment? On the couch. How exactly are you feeling right now? Kind of pissed off. Is there anything bothering you? Yep. When was the last time you talked to a close friend? Today. What did you talk about? Lots of things. Are you nervous about anything atm? Nope. What colour are the eyes of the person you love/like? Brown. Have you cried at all today? No. Are your toenails painted? Barely. Has anyone called you “sexy” today? Nope. Have you bought any new clothes in the past week? No. How many children would you like? 0. You see someone you dislike crying. Do you still feel bad/sorry for them? Probably not tbh. If you get a one-word response like “lol”, do you still bother to reply? No. Who was the last person to un-friend you on Facebook? I don’t know? I don’t care. Do you know why he/she decided to un-friend you? - Are there any food wrappings, boxes, containers etc. in your room? No. Have your grandparents ever asked you about your love/sex life? They’re dead. Where will you be posting this survey? Tumblr.

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was....interesting. Not the greatest, but okay. If you were on this morning you know that predictably when my alarm went off at 7:30 I was like hahaha no even though I was trying really hard to tell myself to get up I just can't fight some things, and now I'm not sure if it would've been better if I did or not, but oh well. Alarm went off again at 9, and this time I did get up and get ready for church, bus to train and got there right on time. I was signed up for the nursery for the 11 o clock service, and I knew I was the only person signed up at this point so it was going to be interesting to say the least. They're good with not leaving people alone though (I'm usually the person insuring someone else isn't alone, which is what happened for the 12:30 service) so one of the other girls who's over the babies program (somewhere higher up than me) came as well and it was fine. Unfortunately, sometimes when you have a lot of babies, some of whom are not very happy about being separated from their parents, every so often you're just gonna have a really rotten day when they won't stop crying and you want to scream. This has happened plenty of times before and while it's really annoying I can handle it, except today it was two services in a row and by the end I was not happy, lol. In the 11 there were two babies we had to call the parents of, the first we really tried to get to stop but he was just crying from the start and refused to give in, and the second being this really adorable 7 month old that's been in before but hasn't made it through successfully yet, and she was crying at first after her dad left but then I got her to stop and she was just chilling and being happy and was so cute, then out of nowhere she starts crying again, and it's like the baby shrieking their heads off and turning red and the really bad crying. We couldn't get her to stop, so we had to call her mom too. The others were mostly ok, a few small incidents but they were managed. For the 12:30 I knew there was still one person signed up, and was prepared to stay if I had to but I also knew sometimes people randomly show up so I might not have to, but nobody did so I had too lol. Unfortunately the tv we have in the room with the feed to the service was down this week, so I didn't get to see any of the service at all which made me sad, I would've liked to have gone (which is why I should've woken up earlier). So the 12:30 starts, again we have a baby right from the start that is just not having it at all, and we try for like a solid 20-30 minutes to try and get him to stop but he is like baby laser focused on getting out of here and refused to do anything but scream and crawl to the gate, so that was kind of inevitable. Then there was this 4 month that was again fine at first for a good amount of time, and then lost it out of nowhere and I couldn't get her to stop, then the other girl (the one from the first service who was running in and out between classes) got her to stop by rocking her and singing softly, then she hands her back to me and she starts crying again, which really irritates me because I always feel like a crappy child carer when someone else gets a kid to stop crying when I couldn't. But she's not having it, until on a whim I put her down in the crib in the corner of the room and she kind of hesitatingly stops crying but then looks like she's going to cry again but I just stroke her belly and start singing to her softly and she stops and just lays there, and that happens multiple more times and at this point at least I felt good about my ability to keep her from crying, lol. The singing though became interesting, because at first the only Christian kids song I could think of was "Jesus loves me" (I didn't have to only sing Christian songs, but I thought it'd be nice) but I didn't want to just sing that on repeat forever so I'm like wracking my brain trying to think of songs from my childhood, and I remember one with a ton of different verses, the first of which is like "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" and the last is "I've got the wonderful love of my blessed redeemer way down in the depths of my heart" and they're both sung in the same timing, lol. I vaguely recall there being a song about Zacchaeus and I'm trying to remember it (Zacchaues is from a short little story in the bible where there was this guy named Zacchaues and he's really short, and Jesus is coming through town and he wants to see him, so he climbs up a tree to see him and Jesus is like "dude, why are you in a tree? Come on, let's go party at your house" [no really that's basically what happens] and apparently someone decided that would be good material for a children's song) (this has been bible lessons with Rachel) and I'm like oh, it's like something something something and Zacchaues was his name-o! Then I was like no that's bingo you dumbass 😂 and I did eventually remember the song (which, if you're interested, goes "Zacchaues was a wee little man and wee little man was he") and so I rotate between the three and any others I can think of, and it works for a while.....until she just starts shrieking her head off again and is totally inconsolable and we had to call her mom too and I was like ready to bang my head against the wall because I felt so useless lol. Her mom did say she'd been like randomly crying all week and she was taking her to the doctor tomorrow though so that did make me feel a bit better). Then literally right as she leaves another one of the babies starts screaming when he was totally fine this whole time, and he's totally inconsolable and we have to call his mom, and at this point I REALLY wanted to bang my head against the wall repeatedly. At this point we had like, 2 babies left, one of whom had been sleeping in hid car seat this whole time and we're like praying he stays asleep and the other kid doesn't start crying (he did a bit, but it wasn't bad) and the little one wakes up like right as parents were coming, and he just lays there looking up at us like who the hell are you people, since it was his first time so he literally just woke up surrounded by people he's never seen before, but thankfully he just chilled and didn't cry, and his parents came like two minutes later. And yeah, that was my nursery. Needless to say I was exhausted by the end, and that kind of countered my thought that I should've woken up earlier to go to the service because I knew if I did that I would probably be REALLY exhausted by then). Train to bus and home, get some food and dive into my trial ad reading pretty immediately because they assigned like 200 pages or something ridiculous like that, I worked until about 8 and got like 125 pages done so that's a decent dent at least, and I have tomorrow to do the rest, the problems for that class, and hopefully my crim pro reading. Upon it turning 8 I retired for the night and turned on daredevil, which I finished the second season of again this time. It definitely made more sense being that I was paying much better attention this time around haha. There really are just so many great characters on that show though, like I love everything Karen, Foggy, and Claire says, and then I also love Electra because she's just so unbelievably badass I can't help but love her. The ending is of course sad, though with the very last scene being what it is I'm sure we haven't really seen the last of her, though who knows in what form she'll come back in (they may take some similar actions to DCTV there). The thing that makes me sad though is Matt like, essentially gives up on being a lawyer by the end of the season and 2016 WAS A REALLY BAD YEAR FOR MY LAWYER SUPERHEROES DAMMIT and I just have a lot of feelings because I'm on my way to being a lawyer and I love having superhero characters in my chosen profession, okay? Not that I've given up hope that Laurel is really coming back to us somehow, but still, 2016 was pretty shitty to them. Sigh. Other than that I did some other shit I needed to accomplish and little stuff like that until my computer died, being that my charger replacement won't arrive until tomorrow (I'm hoping I can borrow my roommate's for a bit tomorrow to get my assignments done, and if not there's always a notebook and a pen). So at least I was productive, even if my definition of productive means making it through all the tumblrs I check daily and putting like 25 captain canary fics into my "marked for later" because I've once again successfully cleaned out my inbox thanks to my recent reading them during transportation, so hopefully I can keep up with that. And yeah, that's about it. It's like 2:20 here already, and I'm glad I can sleep in tomorrow but I still think I should get to sleep now, so I'm going to do so. Goodnight loves. Sleep well.

[drannalcox]

Sabbatical thoughts on productivity, the planning fallacy and recovery - month 2 of the commitment calendar

Following my previous post on the commitment calendar I was asked to share the spreadsheet that I am using to help me get a sense of what I have committed to do each month. The link to that is here.

This is now the second month of using it. I sat down on the morning of the first working day of the month to plan out what I was going to get done, and when that was going to happen. I have found it easiest to use half days as the smallest unit. Coming up with the list of stuff that has to be included takes a few steps:

 1) Standard predictable things like scheduling some time each week to review my to-do list, plan what needs to be done, update this spreadsheet, schedule stuff in my calendar, etc. I'm scheduling half a day a week for this. The first one of these in the month is used for planning the rest of the month but it's not clear what the rest of these slots will be used for yet. Sure, I'll need a bit of time every week to check my to-do list etc but I hope I won't need half a day a week. This will allow for a little slack in the schedule. I am also being explicit that I need time to do email. I am blocking out half a day a week to get my inbox to zero and respond to messages and do small admin tasks.

 2) Then there is the stuff that will vary depending on what your roles are as an academic. I'm including supervision time: how much time you devote to this will depend on how many students you have but need to cover all the time spent on face to face contact, reading and commenting on drafts, etc. I've also added in time for teaching (to cover preparation, contact time and marking) and time for citizenship/admin roles such as sitting on committees and leading programmes.

 3) Stuff that's happening this month only - this will be things like attending a conference or taking some holiday.

The next thing that happened was I realised just how over-committed I was for the month. As a result I decided that there were some things that weren't going to happen this month. Having to make hard decisions and accepting that I can't get everything done that I might like to has made it easier to say no to other requests that have come in over the past week.

I have found it useful to schedule half day slots in my diary that relate directly to the commitments so i know when I am going to get each of these things done. This is helping me see what can get done in half a day (and what can't!). For example, is half a day enough time to read a paper and write a review for it? I am hoping that this provides me with more insight into how long it takes you to do different things so it is easier to plan with more accuracy (though it's well known that we find it very difficult to avoid being overconfident about what we can achieve in a given time https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planning_fallacy ) Even engaging in this planning task has helped me realise that there are some things that I can't do as early as I would like.

So far this week my 3 working days have been MUCH longer than I had wanted or planned for them to be. This suggests that I'm still overestimating what can be done in a given amount of time. It has also meant that today (Thursday) I've been much less productive than I wanted to be and have struggled to motivate myself to do the things I had planned to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will have recovered enough to have the energy to catch up with the things on today's list that haven't been finished.

[chelsorz07]

you know it’s not forever

I think I’m gonna stop doing these soon, since it’s been at least a year since I started the series and I have to have repeated some already. But for tonight I have nothing else to do. Also for anyone who actually cares I’m working on a fic...it’s not my first but it will be the first one I finish and publish so keep an eye out in the next couple days, Dean/Cas fans ♥

2010/2018

What's one of your locked text messages? a line from a justin bieber song that sarah sent me haha Don’t have any. This phone doesn’t delete shit apparently. Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now? at this very moment i would grow a left nut just so i could give it away if it gave me the opportunity to kick it with mah weskimo. Texas. Do you think your last ex deserves to die? i don't think about him, one way or the other. I definitely do not think that. He thinks that. And I try to convince him every day that he’s wrong, just like he does for me. Who was the last person you slept in the same bed with? david. Dave but he’s been gone for two weeks. Would you be mad if your best friend dated the person you like? probably, considering the person i like is my boyfriend. If my best friend dated my husband, yeah that’d be an issue. She never would though. She doesn’t even like him as a person lol Is anyone over- protective of you? my parents used to be but i think they've decided to chill for the most part. Nobody cares that much about me. Plans for tomorrow? babysitting, and hopefully walmart to get shirts to tie-dye for the summer set. Laundry, Netflix, hopefully finishing the story I’m writing. I really suck at dialogue. Have you made a mistake in the past week? i make mistakes by the hour. Constantly. I don’t recall a specific one though. Do you know anyone named Joshua? yeppp. A couple. Nobody I’ve spoken to in years. Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? more than likely. I’d like to hope so. If my marriage falls apart in the next four months I will most definitely kill myself. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? for sure. I’d do it for free. What were you doing at 7:00 AM? sleeping. Watching TWD and playing solitaire on my phone. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? it's been almost a year. Oh my god. Do you think two people can last forever? perhaps. I have yet to see it happen. Would you put yesterday on repeat and live it forever? nah. No, yesterday sucked. Work was dead and with nothing to do my feet hurt like hell, even with medical grade compression socks on. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? yeah. Yup. I would never go near that person again. I was 19 and stupid and he was a filthy liar. What did you do today? watched maranda, cleaned up the house a little. that's pretty much it. Slept mostly. Picked up the living room. Watched tv. Looked at real estate listings. Talked to my dad. It was a decent day. Last time you laughed super hard? no idea. i laugh all the time. Can’t remember. I tend not to laugh really hard when I’m alone. Which I usually am. Do you find smoking unattractive? nope. but it sucks being around all my friends who smoke when i quit two and a half months ago. It probably is but I’m a chain smoker so I don’t really care. How many people do you fully trust? haha...well...used to be one. now i'm not sure i can completely trust anyone. Still one. Although the person is different. Nobody will ever have my back as much as my dad does. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? i doubt it. Um...randos at the Pittsburgh airport. Did anyone call you pretty recently? ehh...don't think so. The last person to call me pretty was me. But Mike agreed so I guess him lol Do you look decent when you wake up? depends how my previous night went. That’s a valid answer. I look shitty without makeup no matter what. If my makeup from the previous day isn’t all fucked up after I sleep then I still look good. Are you afraid of falling in love? no. If I was it’d be way too late. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i'd probably feel exactly the same way i felt when i woke up from a really bad dream about him yesterday morning. There would be violence involved. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? um...i don't believe so. I don’t drink anymore. There are a couple bottles of whiskey in my freezer that haven’t been touched in years, that’s about it. when was the last time you were at the beach? never. Still never. Think back to September, were you in a relationship? yep. I’ve been in a relationship for the past eight Septembers. Almost nine. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? i wouldn't. Last half of 2010, first half of 2011. Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand? most people. Fucking BARB. A lady I work with. She’s so irritating. I’ve even had customers complain to me about her voice, saying they want me to check them out instead. Who was the last person to give you a hug? maranda. Dave. What was the first thing you thought this morning? aksdfmkaoiewhfjdnf;h. “Wtf time is it?” It was actually almost 3pm. But I don’t go to bed till the morning so. What is something that you disliked about your day? uh. everything. The fact that I was pain free most of the day and now I’m not. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a B? How many? nope. Not that I recall.

What about T? How many? no. Nope. What do you currently hear right now? commercials. Carl Grimes. And my cat snoring. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? many times. Yep. Awkwardsauce. Who was your last text from? chele. My dad. Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? no. Nope, just a voicemail from my pharmacy. Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather. Ooh...those are my two biggest fears sooo...Idk if I could pick. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? computer. Computer for sure. Even with Swype. If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? i wouldn't go that's for sure...but i'd figure out a way to make money off of it. I stand by that. In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? love. of course sometimes when i say i hate someone, it's just because i don't know how to tell them i love them. and furthermore, feeling like i hate someone can make me love them even more. Love. I don’t have the energy for hatred anymore. But I’ll never stop loving what I love. Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days? sleeeeeeeep. Honestly...I don’t know now. I do love my sleep. And I’m lucky to do it for three hours at a time, let alone three days. But I’m also the world’s biggest night owl and am most productive when I should be sleeping. What time did you go to sleep last night? 5am this morning. Like 9am? I don’t remember. When was the last time you had starbucks? never have, never will. I broke my vow and had it exactly one time, a couple years ago. But I refuse to pay five dollars for coffee ever again. Timmy Ho’s and Sheetz are better and half the price. If you were granted one wish, what would you wish for? i don't believe in wishes. Money. What's the tenth text in your inbox say? "is nellie home?" from my mom. “I’m just happy you actually did something about it. Suppose I should return the favor and look into this now.” From Dave, about our respective health issues. Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss? for some reason i always do, even though he's only an inch taller than i am. I must have broken that habit somewhere along the way, because no, I didn’t. Do you like the same person you did a month ago? i've liked the same person for two years. That will never change. Would it be weird if the last person you kissed called you? yeah, cuz he's at work. and he almost never actually calls. He doesn’t call unless something is wrong.  Kissed somebody whose name starts with a C T D or J? d. First name D, last name C, middle name J. All different people. Do you ever think about the past? i think about past, present, and future. Always. Do you believe exes can be friends? sometimes. They most certainly can. Do you currently have a hickey, if so where? i've never had one. Only guy who ever gave me a hickey was a complete tool and I only liked him for his southern accent. He came along a few months after the last time I took this survey, when I was on the rebound. Last night you felt? meh. Bored and in pain. What's your favorite thing to do when you're bored? play solitaire. Read fanfic or watch Youtube. In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence? yup. I haven’t. It’s been months since I even drank a beer. Does anyone know your password besides you? no. Dave knows a couple of them. What're you wearing right now? pajamas and a hoodie. Lilo & Stitch pajama pants, Supernatural Day 2017 shirt. The Hot Topical makes a lot of money from me. What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? don't know, don't care. i never liked michael jackson. That. Do you want to see somebody right now? yes. Several people. When's the last time you cried? daily. Um...a couple days ago at work because I was in pain. And probably the same day because I was watching Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life and it always makes me cry. Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people? i'd do both. I don’t want to do anything in front of that many people. But I could sing better than I could dance. Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math? both. I sucked at both. I was strictly an English and Art kinda gal. Will you regret your next kiss? no. they're so few and far between i can't regret them. not that i would anyway. No way in hell. I relish the ones I can get. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? yeah but he doesn't ever seem to care. All the time. Everything makes me cry. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? hopefully i'll get to see him tonight or tomorrow night when he gets done working, since i won't see him on his day off this week. Sometime between the hours of 4 and 7am next Thursday.  Your boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? he's not that stupid. he knows i hate flowers. Still true, except he’s my husband now. Do you understand football? understand it and love it. The fooseball is life. I’m so freaking excited for the draft tomorrow. Is the last person you kissed mad at you? he'd have to care to be mad. Our last conversation was about travel and home buying so probably not. The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? shut up. i'm terrified of that more than anything, because he seems to like to do dumb shit that could get him killed. and i've been having tons of dreams about it lately. What the hell kind of question is that? I’m not a sociopath. Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car? yes. Our first kiss was in a car. Well not the first kiss but that’s what we spent the entire rest of that night doing lol...There have been many car kisses since then as well. Have you kissed more than ten people this year? one person. Just one. Would you ever date someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited attitude? no. looks don't matter as much as personality. I didn’t know he was conceited at the time but no, I never would again. Like I said, dude was a tool. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended? more like proud. I AM a bitch. I own it. Do you know a few people that smoke weed? a few? i know less people who DON'T smoke weed. Everybody smokes weed anymore. Except like my parents. Was this the best summer of your life? it hasn't happened yet. but last summer was the best so far. For the record, the summer of 2010 was the worst of my life. And last summer was really good for the sole reason of my birthday week, where I met All Time Low and got to spend it back home with my family and friends. Do you think relationships are even worth it? some are. Hope so. Medicine, fine arts, or law? arts. Same. Have you been through driver's ed yet? safety ed...like six years ago. i still don't have my license though. We didn’t have “driver’s ed”. Safety ed was like six weeks of basics but there was never any practice driving or anything like that. I didn’t get my license till I was almost 23. What do you think about people who party a lot? i think i want to be invited? If they’re my age, they need to grow the hell up. If they’re my sister’s age, I’m sure most of them will get sick of it eventually like I did. When was the last time you dyed your hair? almost a year ago...i've been really lazy with it lately. A little over a month ago? It’s orange with black ombre. I like the concept but next time I’m getting it done professionally. Is there a movie you've seen countless times? more than one. Several. I tend to watch most things I like over and over again instead of watching new things. What do you need to go shopping for? i need to stop shopping. Haha...that’s a good answer. But I do need some more compression socks. Have you ever read Twilight? no. Yes, and dammit, I liked it. I still curse myself for that. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? yeah. Nah, I’ll talk about anything. I’m pretty self-centered. If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert? hell yes i love her. I’d be there with bells on. Meet anybody new this week? nope. but i'm going to on wednesday. Idk if customers at work count. I don’t leave my house unless it’s for that. Do you dislike anyone at this moment in time? everyone. Yeah, the cunt that thought it’d be cool to cheat on her boyfriend with my best friend and then screw him over as well. Any up coming events you're excited about? the concert on wednesday, and my birthday. Going home next week and house shopping. Does anyone hate you? sure. I guess so. Don’t matter to me.