#and hope I can get vouchers through some points in any cards I have too...fuck...

[arklayraven]

...I don't think NB is gonna have Nightmare revivals too now. Now that I look at the tickets thing we have now there...

I don't think the tickets carry over like how past summons would in normal Nightmares.

Either use those tickets now, or they are gone...

So pretty much if I don't get enough to get Asmo out of pity, then all my summons(vouchers/points) were for nothing...

[snifflesthemouse]

A Letter To Harry

Dear Harry,

My name is Nunya Business. I just want to take the time out of my life to clue you in on something I had to learn the hardest of ways. If my life lessons can save you the pain and suffering I went through, while indirectly saving the rest of us the pain and suffering from hearing about your pain and suffering, so be it. Let me begin.

You see, Harry, my mom died when I was 25. She was 47. She was bedridden the last ten years of her life. So that means she was permanently confined to a hospital bed for ten solid years, beginning when I was 15. That also means I watched her die slowly for ten years. By the time I was 16, I was trained in wound care management. I was also working 40+ hours a week at a fast-food place and attending school whenever I could. Even though I missed a lot of school, I still carried straight As. I always had great grades in school; I was getting scholarship recruitment letters by the time I was 15. I was brilliant. Still yet, I dropped out of high school by the second day of twelfth grade.

Unlike the traumatic lifestyle of servants and wealth, I was brought up extremely poor. The state paid for our school clothes through clothing vouchers. My dad worked a full-time job from the time he was sixteen until he retired AFTER my mom died. But my mom never held a job, drove a car, got a GED or photo ID, and missed out on a lot of living. So, he was the only source of income until I was old enough to help with the medical bills. He was 18 years older than she was. He only kept working after he reached retirement age because she needed insurance, but I digress. Back to the poor me part of my letter.

Here I was. Sixteen, early into my budding painkiller addiction, working full time, essentially homeschooling myself, taking care of my mother, AND still hoping I could make it out of there. SPOILERS: I DIDN’T MAKE IT OUT OF THERE. You know why? I played the same hand you play now. The poor me, poor me, pour me cards. I started taking my mom’s pain pills for my migraines. One didn’t really go full blown migraine on me one day, and I got high. By the middle of my tenth-grade year, I was having four Percocet tens and a chocolate milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a nap after fighting in and out of nodding off high for the first four periods. Eventually, that drug addiction got insane out of hand. I went from prescription pain killers to shooting heroin within 5 years. I went from never having a detention to having a felony credit card fraud charge and ten years over my head. I didn’t have old money to buy my excuses. I went to prison.

Unlike you, Harry, I wasn’t able to go to immaculate rehabs or have my family bail me out of trouble. I wasn’t able to do hard drugs and become a binger alcoholic behind the scenes, then just “quit” without issue. Something tells me neither were you. I’ve met a ton of addicts and alcoholics. Both say the same. After a month of the same nonsense, the addiction was rooted. So please explain to me how you managed to escape the severities associated with heavy drug use and drinking without withdrawing or getting hooked. Seriously, because you’d be the first person impervious to addiction. Most all of us have to fight the fight of our lives to get and stay clean. I know, I’ve managed almost 6 years now. What about you?

No, like us regular folk, I had to go about sobriety the long, hard route. But of course, it cost waaayy more than you’d ever understand.

Your partying days in Nazi uniforms didn’t cost a thing compared to how much they can cost regular people. By 17, I was already shacked up with a psychopath ten years my senior who literally ended up killing my childhood best friend’s fiancé. Not even exaggerating. My ex killed my ex-best friend’s fiancé in the living room of the house I grew up in, in front of my mom and dad. A month before my mom died, actually. My ex-boyfriend did some major fuck shit to me, and I have a history of dating abusers, but I won’t get into that. Just know 50 Shades isn’t sexy to me and hearing old country music instantly makes my face hurt from getting full beer cans chucked at me… Oh and ya know what, Harry? Turns out if I kept dating psychopaths who hit me… the real problem wasn’t who I was dating. It was ME. But again I digress. Sorry Harry.

I lost my friend who was murdered by my ex at my parents’ home a month before my mother died and two months before I was sent to prison. I struggled with addiction from the time I was 16 until my last relapse 3 July 2015. I dropped out of high school because of my drug addiction, then dropped out of college after getting my GED and a scholarship. 

My mother first introduced me to pain pills. She didn’t realize what she was doing and all, but she just thought she was helping her daughter get through a migraine. I got hooked. I robbed everyone I ever loved and didn’t give two shits about the people I hurt. To this day, I still struggle with caring about people. But again, I digress.

My point is this, Harry. I’ve personally been through fifty times more shit than you have. I watched my mother die slowly over ten years. I watched her gasp for air and cry in the night for God to just take her out of this world so she’d not be in pain anymore. I have lost most everyone I hold near and dear to me simply because I failed to show any self respect, accountability, or acceptance. I didn’t have parents cleaning up my messes with money. I didn’t have castles and privileges to boot when the newspapers ran the stories where I was sentenced to prison. No. I had to face the music and learn the world could fucking care less about how I feel.

Now is time you learn this lesson, too. The world is not fair. What you feel is not important. All that matters is what you do with how you feel. Nobody, and I mean absofuckinglutely NOBODY gives two shits about how you feel; the only reason people watch is because they are nosey. The only reason Oprah makes shows with you is to exploit your story for financial gain, like some type of trauma porn. Your wife isn’t looking out for you if she’s letting you incriminate yourself like that on TV and all, either. I know what you are going through, as I have dated one of those. It didn’t end well for me, and it will not end well for you.

Final note, Harry. Your family in the UK have loved and protected you for your entire life. Everyone accommodated you in your naked billiards in Los Angeles and Calgary. They did more than you could understand. Before it’s too late, and they finally get tired of your repeated bullshit, and trust me Harry, they will… make up with them. If that means ditching the wife, ditch her. Because she’s going to ditch you soon enough.

Trauma isn’t a renewable resource, my love. People are tired of your greatest hits on repeat. Better start the plans to turn that wife into the second act soon or the checks will start bouncing faster than those moon bumps. Oh and another thing, man the fuck up! Everyone has problems. You are not special. You’re not even a spare anymore. You’ve been replaced on all that. So why the hell do you still hold onto your childhood the way you do? Or those titles like you do? Oh you must be a masochist. You must like it.

Sincerely,

Nunya Business

[softjeon]

Rewind | Pt. 1

• Pairing: Yoongi x Robot!Jungkook • Genre: Fluff, Angst | Rating: Mature | Robot!AU • Words: 5,4k | AO3 • Disclaimer: mentioning of alcohol

written with @cassiavioletblue​

↳  “Tadah!” They shouted in unison, with Tae raising his hands to wave some little birthday flags while Namjoon and Hoseok clapped their hands and began to sing again, “Happy Birthday to you…”  This was a joke. This had to be a joke and they made that man deliver an empty box. There was no way they had gotten him a Bot.

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“Happy birthday!” Namjoon shouted and Hoseok chimed in as they began to sing, squeezing themselves through the door, because Yoongi seemed adamant not to move and let them in. Great. So they remembered,even though he had tried to be as normal as possible. Yoongi tried to cover up his displeasure with a strained smile. 

“Come in. One more won’t make a difference.” He mumbled at Taehyung who had followed, bopping his head to their awful singing and greeted Yoongi with a hug. Covering one of his ears with the palm of his hand, Yoongi watched how Namjoon was swinging a wine bottle in one hand and in the other a card with his name on it. He wondered if the bottle would survive this night in one piece. Dancing around him there was Hoseok who was gyrating his hips racily in a way that had Yoongi feeling dizzy from just looking at it. 

With a heavy sigh Yoongi closed the door and followed his best friends. It was better to just give in now because he knew that they wouldn’t let it go. Not when it was his 30th birthday. Which he hated - and they knew.

“We know you hate your birthday.” Namjoon began, saying exactly what was on his mind. “That’s why we didn’t plan anything big but you don’t turn thirty every year so we’re here now and you gotta deal with it.” Hoseok chimed in with a bright smile and then proceeded to push Yoongi down onto the couch by his shoulders. “You can’t take away the right of your best friends to celebrate you. At least a little bit.” 

“You always do so much for us, Yoongs…,” Namjoon continued as he opened the wine to pour some of the dark red beverage into the glasses that Taehyung had grabbed from the kitchen. None of the glasses matched. 

Hoseok nodded eagerly, giving the card over to Yoongi, wishing him a ‘Happy Birthday’ again and then dancing, before Yoongi could roast him with his look. 

Pulling Taehyung onto his lap, Hoseok urged Yoongi on to open the card while he very well knew how much he hated to be in the spotlight like this. He would rather open the card in private. But he also knew that they wouldn’t let him. For being his best friends who allegedly ‘loved him just as he was’ they were surprisingly cold hearted when it came to his refusal to celebrate his birthdays. Hopefully he could just ignore their gift like last year where he just hadn’t used the voucher (it was one of those things were people only paid after the voucher had been used so it wasn’t like he had let their money gone to waste) but this time he wouldn’t be so lucky.

When he opened the card there was no voucher inside, it didn’t even look like a normal ‘Happy birthday card’. There was just one sentence on it in big black letters. Which said “Open the door”. 

He looked up into the grinning faces of his friends who were apparently really amused by his confusion. Without wasting any time Yoongi turned to open the door expecting a prank with a clown jumping at him or something similarly freaky. But there was a man standing outside of the door and Yoongi wondered if he had just arrived or if he had been standing there since his friends had knocked on his door, waiting just around the corner until Yoongi would open his door again. There was a massive box right behind him and Yoongi had to look up to even try and see the upper end of it.

“Min Yoongi?” The tired looking man said bringing his attention back to him. He held out a touch pen for him and then a pad, “Please sign here.” 

Confused Yoongi took the pen from him, signing where he pointed his finger at. There was the smell of cold smoke coming from the man’s clothes and Yoongi wrinkled his nose. Now he was definitely curious where the box was coming from. The postman revealed the mystery right after storing the pad back in his bag when he turned around to get the box off his cart. There was a little note in black ink on the outside of the otherwise cream-colored box, like a stamp, telling him where the package was coming from:

 “Thank you for ordering with Bots Internationals.” 

Yoongi’s eyes widened, stumbling back out of reflex which was pretty fortunate or else the man would had run over his foot with his cart. 

“We hope you’ll enjoy your new...eh,” The man coughed and looked down at his papers, searching for the right number again, “R0901JK - oh wow,” He raised an eyebrow at Yoongi his face changing as he looked interested and lively for a moment, “You got money, huh. Don’t tell the company but this is hot shit! Anyways...” He cleared his throat and dumped the box casually in the hallway, going back to his regular mail man self, “We hope R0901JK will soon be a indissoluble part of your life.” It sounded like he had said those words a million times already, pattering them out like he was reading from a script he couldn’t wait to finish. At the end he saluted awkwardly, taking the cart with him and leaving the life-size box in front of Yoongi. It was decorated with a stupidly big, blue bow right on its top.

Yoongi turned and walked inside, to ask his friends what the fuck they’d been thinking but he got interrupted before he could even open his mouth. They were all standing in the hallway so they could peek through the open door at him, so impatient to see his reaction that they couldn’t wait for him to get back into his flat.

“Tadah!” They shouted in unison, with Tae raising his hands to wave some little birthday flags while Namjoon and Hoseok clapped their hands and began to sing again. “Happy Birthday to you…”  

This was a joke. This had to be a joke and they made that man deliver an empty box. There was no way they had gotten him a Bot.

“Unpack it! Unpack it,” The boys began chanting,while Hoseok was doing a little celebratory dance. When Yoongi kept standing in the hallway in disbelief, looking like he didn’t want to move at all they took matters into their own hands and brought the package further into the living room where they carefully laid down the life-size box and stepped back again, waiting for Yoongi to finally make a move. Hoseok pulled Taehyung in by his waist and smiled. “We tried to tell the company as much details about your preferences as we knew to make him perfect for you.” He winked at Yoongi playfully. “We want to see him, too. So, open it!”

“Though you shouldn’t start him, yet,” Taehyung quickly chimed in, cheeks blushing for a moment as he addressed Yoongi. “It’s better if you let him imprint on you when you’re alone. I’ve heard of that one guy who had his mom around when he opened his package and he went to the bathroom for a second while his mum walked in on the bot, trying to clean there or whatever. They had to bring it back to the company because it was basically useless for him as the imprint is irreversible and his mum didn’t have the same taste in girls as he did.” They laughed and snickered and Yoongi still felt like he was in the wrong movie. He lived alone. He always lived alone. And he wasn’t good with robots. He had been freaking out when Namjoon had brought over his cleaning bot once, a thing the size of a trash can (and also similar looks). He’s had to leave the apartment while the thing did the cleaning because it made his skin crawl to see that moving tin box make decisions and pick up things.

So having a live sized, human looking bot that the producers claimed could emulate human emotions? Out of the question!

Yoongi stared at the box a while longer and then, despite better knowledge kneeled down in front of it. He looked at it with the same feeling in his gut when he was about to watch a horror film that he knew would creep him out - but he still had to watch it. Carefully, very carefully he took the blue bow off the top and opened the seal at the side and then… he opened the lid to peak inside.

“Whoah, damn,” Namjoon came closer when he saw the first glimpse of the robot. “He is perfect!” Jimin jumped in excitement. 

“I told you it’s the best idea to order from where I got Tae.” Hoseok said proudly, kissing his lover on his cheek as he blushed in response. “They make the best ones!”

Namjoon nodded and when Yoongi didn’t open the lid any further, he pulled at it, pushing away some of the styropor to free the young man (robot) for everyone to see. “It definitely is worth the money. Do you like him, Yoongi?,” He chuckled and looked up. There was no response from his friend, his eyes fixated on the robot. “Yoongi?”

Jimin furrowed his brows and leaned towards Taehyung. “I told you he likes blondes. Didn’t you scan him right?” The younger shook his head and roamed around in his system to find ‘Yoongi’s idol type’ File that he had stored there as they all had come up with a present, before blurting it out all the information they had gathered. “Curly hair, cute button nose, well-build body and lean muscles, sweet personality, something that makes him want to protect and yet curl up against him and big brown ey-”

“Stop that! Where did you even get those informations? Did you check all my former boyfriends for similarities? Did you dig through the web to find my profile of that dating site I used in my twenties to read my preferences?” He was irritated and also a little bit shocked. Because however they had done their research they had absolutely checked all the boxes that made him weak. The robot in the box was absolutely gorgeous and exactly his type.

Taehyung nodded, “All of the above, yes and I analyzed your habits at gatherings, your flirting techniques and who you walk hom…”

Hoseok pushed a hand on his boyfriend’s mouth, keeping him from giving away even more information. Yoongi didn’t look like he was loving the jokes right now. “So…..Yoongi,” Jimin interrupted the awkward silence and stares between them, “Do you like him? You’ll keep him, right?” 

He was really, really tempted to just close the box and ship the robot right back where it came from - but another part of him was just as tempted to wake the robot up to see if it was really like the advertisements said: that the robot would love you, just the way another human would and that you wouldn’t even be able to tell the differences. He got dizzy from all the mixed feelings inside of him. 

“Why? Isn’t there a .. trial period? What if I don’t like him? I mean he might look nice but what if he’s just going on my nerves? There’s a reason I don’t have a roommate or a pet.”

“Namjoon! He’s doing it again!” Jimin whined when Yoongi was coming up with excuses (something all of them were used to, especially when it came down to his own happiness and enjoyment), pursing his lips and making the other’s laugh with it.

“And there’s a reason you don’t have a boyfriend!” Namjoon joked. “Anyways, of course this isn’t all.” Namjoon got up from where they sat, knowing that Yoongi felt a little too overwhelmed right now with all these eyes on him. “We also ordered a table at your favorite pub and I am in need of some good beer, aren’t you?” He pulled his friend up and grabbed Jimin’s hand to get both to move along. “Are you coming or?” Namjoon looked over his shoulder, laughing when Seokjin and Hoseok immediately chimed in with another rendition of ‘Happy Birthday to you’, while Taehyung was bopping his head to their singing. But as soon as Namjoon had them all out on the hallway, waiting for Yoongi to lock his door, he came closer again.

“Look at him later if you want. But please, just try it once, okay? And if all fails, I still got the receipt.” Namjoon nudged his friend’s side. “We want you to be happy, Yoongi. You deserve that.” Smiling at him, he quickly caught up with the others, keeping them from breaking the elevators button in their excitement and giving Yoongi a few seconds to catch his own breath. 

Although Yoongi enjoyed staying home more often then going out right now he was thankful for the distraction. He needed to make a decision on his own, without a few pairs of eyes on him who where analyzing every move he was making. Namjoon was right though, it couldn’t hurt to try it just once, could it? If he didn’t like it he would just shut the robot off and he could wait in his box, totally unconscious until someone from the company picked him up. There was absolutely nothing that could go wrong.

... ╘[◉-◉]╕ ...

It didn’t take long for his friends to get blackout drunk. 

Drinks were spilled as they cheered for Yoongi’s birthday, filling cups after cups with new alcoholic beverages that no one was even sure what it was anymore. The music got louder and the pub filled with more and more people that wanted to celebrate the weekend. As a robot, Taehyung didn’t need any drinks but he was acting just as silly as his boyfriend who had just started to climb on the table next to them, getting cheered on by a group of girls that were acting as if he was a stripper and Hoseok obviously loved it. Taehyung happily clapped along.

“Please, let me, please,” Jimin’s whiny voice made Yoongi tore his gaze away from them, regretting the choice the minute he saw the younger halfway in Namjoon’s lap and under the table. Namjoon had his head leaned against the wall, eyes closed and brows furrowed as he drunkenly tried to keep Jimin from diving under the table and do god-knows what to him in public. And where Jin was? No one really knew. 

“I think we should get them home soon,” Taehyung yelled over the loud music towards Yoongi, giggling in amusement. 

Yoongi gave him an exasperated look. “Yes. We absolutely should.” Together they tried to get them together into one place as a group which was as easy as collecting flees or herding stubborn sheep. It took them about half an hour until everyone had their jackets, the bills were paid and telephone numbers were collected (one of the girls that had cheered on Hoseok refused to let him leave without giving him her number. She must be pretty drunk herself or else she might have noticed Taehyung’s look). Yoongi envied her a little. He wasn’t half as drunk as he had liked and in a state that might be even worse than before: he was drunk enough for his self-control to soften but not drunk enough to forget about the bot that was waiting for him at home. So basically he couldn’t wait to look at him again. Still he wouldn’t turn him on. Not really… would he?

Taehyung was a massive help to get the other’s home safely and Yoongi carefully eyed him from the side. Taehyung was a bot too - but another kind. He was old, not Taehyung per se, but his model. He was still tightly bound to a million laws which sometimes resulted in Hoseok coming home to Taehyung sitting on the floor with a glitch where he couldn’t move because there were two tasks he wanted to do but where interfering with each other.  At first Yoongi hadn’t liked him either but had started to trust him after a while. Tae couldn’t hurt them even if he wanted to. He couldn’t hack into anything they didn’t let him, he couldn’t get all ‘world dominance’ on them - in short he was like a wind up doll or a vacuum cleaner with feelings. He was safe.

The newer generations of bots were different though. He had seen the fairs where companies sold their newest models, advertising their dreamy bodies and inhuman intelligence. Yoongi just found them creepy. He waited for the first bot to go rogue and kill someone or delete half of humanities digital records or whatever else those machine brains were up to. Nonetheless they intrigued him. Just like you could be intrigued by drugs or alcohol even though you knew they were dangerous and bad for you and that you should stay away.

When he closed the door behind him, with the last of his guests safely in a taxi on their way home he lasted for about five minutes before he was sitting in front of his package again. He feared what was inside of there. But he also desperately wanted to switch it on and see what it could do, how it would talk or react. He also wondered with a queasy feeling in his stomach (and he wasn’t sure if it was alcohol or nerves) if what the companies newest ads promised were true: That their new series could feel just the way humans did and could make their own decisions based on them. 

Carefully, Yoongi reached where he knew the switch was and pushed it. He quickly leaned back and waited for the robots eyes to snap open but nothing of that happened. Instead his chest heaved as the young man took a deep breath (or simulated to do), before his eyes slowly opened. They instantly focused on Yoongi's and a warm smile was found on the robots lips, nose scrunching up cutely as he sat up and looked at his new owner. 

“Good evening sir,“ The young man cocked his head aside, hands holding onto the edge of the box, “Thank you for purchasing R0901JK. My name is Jungkook. Please register your name so we can proceed the imprint.“

“Holy shit!” Yoongi froze at the other’s welcome. He looked human. He looked absolutely, startlingly human! There was no delay in his facial expression or monotone in his voice. If his words wouldn’t give him away - or the box that he was still sitting in for that matter - one could totally think that he was alive!

“I registered your name as <holy shit> is that, right?” Jungkook asked, smiling at the other as if he hadn’t just cursed at him. “Do you want to help me out of this box? It’s quite uncomfortable.” He laughed softly, never leaving Yoongi’s gaze, waiting for the other to initiate their first skin on skin contact.

“No! Goddamnit, no! My name is Yoongi. I’m... I’m just Yoongi and I... I can’t believe they got me a bot. You are a bot! A real one! What on earth am I going to do with you? Put you in the corner of the room so you can stare at me? How is one supposed to live comfortably with one of you guys around?” He was drunk rambling, spilling all of his worries out in front of the newly awakened bot who seemed a tad bit confused, especially because Yoongi didn’t make a move to help him out of the box as Jungkook had asked, therefore denying him the critically needed skin on skin contact that would make him imprint on Yoongi. 

Because despite the rumours it wasn’t the first look that had the newest model imprint on their humans it was the first touch of their registered owner.

Jungkook blinked at Yoongi, tangled at his sudden outburst and the many questions he was asking – because he was programmed the other way. He should be asking questions right now, to get a feel for his partner. 

“I am your boyfriend,” Jungkook simply answered Yoongi’s first question, before he went on and gave him one for every question he had. “I’d like to look at you and live with you. And as far as I can tell it’s just one bot around, which is me, your boyfriend.” Jungkook reached out his hands for Yoongi to take. “Can you help me now?”

“No you are not.” He wasn’t sure of many things at the moment but this one was clear. “I won’t be loving or fucking an electrical box.” He furrowed his brows at Jungkook who was still seated. “You are kind of useless though if you can’t even get up without help. Aren’t you supposed to ‘improve your lucky owner’s everyday life’? At least that’s what the advertisements say. Lots of People smiling and looking at each other fondly and being so happy it physically hurts to look at them. You’re not at all how I pictured you.”

Jungkook’s eyes flickered back and forth between his hands and Yoongi, who just spat comment after comment at him. He was more than confused and nowhere in his mind could he find a program that would help him, when his owner refused him and told him off – without being even imprinted on him. Jungkook gulped, opening his mouth to say something when Yoongi hit him hard with the last comment. Tears dwelled in his eyes as the flood of programmed emotions broke through him and confused him even more. Jungkook was programmed to feel, even more so as the one’s ordering him had asked for someone who was soft and connected with his emotions.

“I am deeply sorry I am not how you wanted me to look like.” He didn’t want to say it, but he was supposed to. The owner’s happiness what was he was programmed for. “You can return me with your favored changes within two weeks. What is there you want to change?” He carefully met Yoongi’s gaze, “My eyes?”

Yoongi stopped mid-rant when he realized that the other was crying. “Is that.. are you leaking?” Surely those couldn’t be tears running down the other’s face. “Are you broken already? Can’t get out of a box and then leaking… cooling fluid? You’re not going to blow up on me are you? I’ll call the company right now if you don’t cut that shit!”

Jungkook just stared blankly at the human, deeply confused what he was doing wrong. Why none of his programs seemed to work, why this human was so adamant on hating on him. “Did you just buy me to get out your anger?” Jungkook still had his hands out, as if he was waiting for Yoongi to pull him up any second. 

“I didn’t buy you! I’d never buy something like that. You’re a gift and... why am I even justifying myself to you. You’re basically a computer in a pretty vessel. Like a calculator on legs. I bet you could tell me all the numbers of pi without even thinking, right?” Jungkook looked frozen with his arm outstretched like that so Yoongi coldly swapped it away while unknowingly activating the imprint. “Don’t sit like that. It’s creepy!”

Jungkook flinched hard at the sudden contact of his skin on his, his program reacted immediately, processing the imprint and making sure that the man who stood in front of him was the only one he’d ever love. Until he would be turned off forever. It was like a warmth that spread through him. Every fiber of his body was working for him now, living to be with Yoongi. Nothing else mattered. Only that he hadn’t thought that it would happen like this. 

Jungkook felt like he was falling into a darkness, feeling utterly helpless, while trying to find a solution to the problem that seemed to be his boyfriend. His own heart was aching and Jungkook grimaced at the pain. He had never felt before and every ounce of new feeling was overwhelming him. Especially now that the first experience he gotten was: anger, frustration and hate. 

The robot immediately reacted to Yoongi’s order and got up and sat onto his knees, while he was still trying to figure out what he had done wrong. 

Yoongi blinked. He was utterly overwhelmed with the situation. Outside of the box the robot looked even more like a young man. Not even his clothes gave away that he was a fabricated being. He was wearing distressed jeans and a white, plain T-shirt that was just fitting enough to show off his how well his body was built. Literally built - company made. Yoongi got dizzy from what he saw which stood so much in contrast to what he thought he knew about robots. He didn’t like them. He would never like them! And yet, with the boy - robot - covering in front of him like he was scared and his tear stained face a sudden wave of empathy hit him completely unprepared. He got a little closer, careful, in case that thing had another malfunction before asking warily. “That leak.. is it dangerous? Like... is it some kind of acid that’ll burn my skin or can I just wipe it off?”

Jungkook shook his head softly, but quickly wiped over his own face, trying to take a deep breath to calm the storm of feelings. “I…I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I am sorry,” Jungkook spoke quietly, “It’s simply tears: water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, urea, sodium, potassium and nothing more. It won’t burn you just as much as your own tears wouldn’t.”

Yoongi’s intoxicated mind couldn’t keep up with half of the ‘ingredients’ that Jungkook was listing off but he got that it were actually supposed to be tears. 

“So you’re crying... because of me?” He knelt down properly this time, taking out a handkerchief to wipe the robots face. He held his face for a little too long because he simply got lost in the younger’s eyes. He stared in awe at the velvety depth that held so many emotions in them it felt like they might burst from it. He coughed awkwardly as he had finished drying his tears and let go of him. “They did mess up your eyes though. They might look human on first glance but not if you look closely. They are too beautiful. No one has that many stars in his eyes.” 

In reality they could totally pass as human eyes. Amazingly pretty - but human looking.

Jungkook startled, eyes wide as he kept on staring at Yoongi, when he touched him so softly and he was leaning into his touch on instinct. “I thought we would meet differently. I am really sorry I am not what you were looking for.” The robot grimaced painfully again, gasping when his heart felt like it was squeezed hard making it harder for him to breath. Jungkook tried a faint smile, reaching for Yoongi’s hand and he wrapped his delicate fingers around his wrist to pull it away from his face. Instead he brought it down, holding Yoongi’s hands in his. 

“I’d like to think then they put stars in my eyes for you. Maybe that’s what your friends wanted you to have as a gift.”

“You... you’re awfully cheesy do you know that?” Yoongi reacted defensively, trying to get up and getting dizzy so he landed back on his knees. He really should get to back, sleep this off and then think about being a robot owner when he had a clear head. “I... I think I should get to sleep now. What do I do with you? Do you sleep? Do I just switch you off? Do you need electricity or food or... motor oil not to die?” He regretted not having read the manual before waking up Jungkook.

Jungkook reached out for Yoongi, holding him when he noticed the smell on him that he had no time to register yet. “Are you drunk?” He asked with a sigh, before he got up and wiped over his cheeks one last time. Jungkook easily pulled Yoongi up by his arms and hoisted him up in his arms, before scanning the room he was in quickly, so he knew which was his bedroom. “I sleep yes. I can do that next to you if you want. I can keep a warm body temperature and hold you?” Jungkook asked, completely ignoring Yoongi’s sudden screaming and the way he was struggling in his hold. “But I also could just stay outside. Just, please don’t switch me off. It’s…it’s not a nice feeling.”

“Let me down! Let me down! Don’t crush me! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to threaten you, I won’t switch you off, don’t kill me, don’t...” Yoongi’s screaming died down when he finally registered that despite his struggling Jungkook hadn’t tightened his grip or tried to crush him in his robotic arms. He was just holding him, in a somewhat bridal style way and suddenly Yoongi felt pretty silly. “Are you... are you carrying me to bed? Is this some kind of honeymoon-wedding-night scenario to you?” He sighed deeply. This was definitely too much for him. “Yes I’m drunk but honestly I’m not sure if I’d be able to handle this sober. We’ll see how it’ll go tomorrow after breakfast. Do you eat breakfast? Do I need to have anything there to keep maintenance of you? Can you even eat?” He tried to not move too much because it made him shudder to think about how much strength was hiding in those arms. Robots were a lot stronger than humans to be of use in any kind of scenario (like carrying a couch alone for the sake of their owner’s back). “Please don’t get into bed with me. That’ll be totally creepy. I’m not even sure if I can sleep with you being in the room.”

“Don’t worry about me needing food.” Jungkook shook his head, though it hurt him to see Yoongi so scared of him. He quickly retreated again, lowering his gaze. “I…I’ll just go into the living room and wait there.” He wasn’t sure what to do now. Usually he was programmed to either hug or kiss in those moments, but Yoongi’s body language was screaming at him not to be touched again. “Good Night, Yoongi.”

“Wait!” Now that he thought of it, letting Jungkook roam in his apartment didn’t feel him any better either. There were knives in the kitchen and electricity basically everywhere and what if the robot just walked out the door and onto the street causing a car accident. “Stay in my bedroom, please.” He locked the door behind them even though he felt a little tingle of nerves at the thought of being locked in with Jungkook. Then he remembered something that he had heard about in some documentary. “Hey, isn’t there an emergency code to put you on standby in case you go crazy or something? What is your’s?”

Jungkook took a step back, not sure why Yoongi locked them in now. He could have just told him to stay and he would. “Black piano,” The robot answered truthfully and telling Yoongi his emergency code that was different for every individual and usually had something to do with their owner. A word or phrase they don’t use often anymore, so it didn’t happen to be an accidental standby. 

Yoongi frowned. He could play the piano actually, hadn’t done this ever since he was a child and he wondered if the robot somehow knew. What had his friends put into Jungkook despite his dating type? “So if I say those words you’ll freeze? Or is there something else I need to do?”

Jungkook’s eyes widened, “No, just those words but please don’t.” He whined quietly with his back against the wall. “An emergency lockdown is not good for me. If…if you really want me to be out then please just turn me off then. But I promise I won’t bother you. I just stay right here.” Jungkook pointed at the corner of the room.

Yoongi looked at him without a word, wondering how a machine, a thing made of gears and high quality plastic could look so scared. “You really think that you’re feeling, don’t you?” He murmured under his breath, amazed and appalled at the same time. He would figure out how to properly react to that tomorrow. Right now all he wanted to do was sleep. 

“Good night, Jungkook.” He threw the blanket over himself, figuring that if the robot needed something to stay warm he would get it himself. What a mess of a birthday!

A/N: Another story! This will be only a short story, about four chapters! What do you think? Will Yoongi learn to let Jungkook in? Or will he send him back ;) 

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[weloveaskamsister]

Incantava Fanfic (sometime after their 1st kiss)

“Not to brag, but I’m gonna whip all your asses!” exclaimed Eva as each of the five girls collected their golf clubs from the counter.

San playfully pushed past the others. “It’s cute how confident you are. We all know you’ll be crying later.”

“Okay, okay, okay. Settle down ladies. Let’s actually play maybe?” Fede interjected.

They rounded the corner, heading for the start of the mini-golf course. All of a sudden Silvia squealed and then quickly lowered her voice to a whisper: “The Villa Boys! Omg what are the odds!”

Ele screamed internally, yes what were the odds indeed. Of all the places across the city to hang out on a Friday night, they were here. Did they not party religiously Friday through Sunday?

Five of the Villa Boys were crowded around the first hole, appearing to argue over whether Chicco had cheated already. “You’re all just jealous shits!” he defended himself. “Fine!” Rocco shouted. “We’ll let you have this one. But no more monkey business.” He wagged a finger at his friend and proceeded to write down their scores on the score card.

Sana coughed obnoxiously. As one, the boys looked up at them. “Sorry to interrupt, but eh we too would like to play … today that is.”

Federico bit his lip in an attempt not to laugh.

Edo’s eyes had focused on Ele the moment he looked up and hadn’t left her. Once she allowed her eyes to meet his, the biggest smile broke out on his face, which in turn made her smile. However, Federico’s words zapped her back to reality: “Sorry girls.” He then sidled up to Eva, casually throwing his arm over her shoulders. “We’re off to a slow start as you can see. But, I have an idea. Let’s join forces, ay? Five teams each made up of a boy and a girl. It’ll be fun!”

That sounded like bundles of fun. Yes lovely idea, Ele thought. Maybe if her and Edo weren’t still a big, fat secret. “Uhhhh I don’t know. We kind of –“

“Yes! That’s a brilliant idea. Me and Fede are a team!” Eva’s words rushed out and Fede grinned down at her.

Alrighty then. Ele raised her eyebrows at Edo, hoping her expression translated as “What the fuck?” He just shrugged. She then looked over towards Silvia who looked totally on board, starting to make a beeline for Edoardo. But before she could, Chicco intervened. “You and me Silvia!” he shouted.

Her eyes widened, “I was actually thinking-“

“Are you kidding? I’m so good. We’ll make a great team”, Chicco added. All the boys shouted their approval.

After a few seconds Silvia shrugged and accepted her fate. Ele just about made out Chicco’s wink at Edo. She was aware Edoardo’s friends knew about the two of them, so their scheming to make sure he and her would be together wasn’t all that surprising. This was further proven when Rocco are Nathan quickly claimed Fede and Sana as their respective team mates.

“Okay” Federico clapped his hands together. “Guess that leaves Edo and Eleonora together”, he said nonchalantly. “Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

Eleonora and Edoardo were the last pair to complete the first hole, creating a fair bit of distance between them and the others. Edo waltzed over to her. “Well this worked out nicely, huh?”

She pushed him. “You said you guys were having a barbeque tonight?”

“That was the plan. But they wanted to go out somewhere instead, and Rocco had a gift voucher for this place. Honestly, I didn’t think you and your friends would be here.” He laughed.

She tried to keep her face serious, but failed miserably as a smile broke free. “It was a last minute decision.”

He rubbed his chin as if in deep thought. “You know Ele, I think it was meant to be. God works in mysterious ways and this is his way of letting us hang out with all our friends as a ‘couple’ until you’re ready to tell the girls.”

She looked up at him for a moment and then poked his side with her golf club. “Just take your shot already.”

“Yes ma’am.”

The various pairs got separated as the night went on, to the point where Eleonora and Edoardo lost sight of the others.

Edo was in the lead as they got to the twelfth hole, but Ele was treading close behind him. She got ready to swing when she caught Edo’s eye. “What?” she asked irritated. He chuckled under his breath, “Nothing, it’s just your form … it’s all off.” She stood up straight, digging her club into the ground. “It’s mini-golf, I’m not trying to be a professional here. It’s just a bit of fun.”

“I know. I just thought of all people you’d be a bit more competitive.”

“I am competitive. And you’d wanna relax, it’s not like you’re doing that much better” she retorted.

“Okaaaay. All I’m saying is I can help you be better.”

“How?”

He smacked his lips together as he smiled and strolled behind her, starting to position her body in the right way.

She burst out laughing and turned around to face him. “Woah, you really are the biggest cliché.”

He opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. His eyes searched hers, before tracking every inch of her face, settling on her red lips. Ele’s breath caught in her throat as Edo threaded his fingers through hers, pulling her behind the giant windmill that was part of the course.

His lips crashed down on hers as he gently pushed her back against it. Her hands were on the move, starting on his chest and quickly moving to run through his curls. He pulled her as close as he could, and even that wasn’t enough, could never be enough.

They both lost any sense of place or time, until a golf ball suddenly hit Edo in the head. “Ouch, what the hell?” he huffed, his hand clutching his head. Ele’s hand went to her mouth, “Oh my God are you okay?” A young boy ran past them picking up his lost ball. “Sorry, my bad.” He said softly as he ran away. Ele lost it then in a fit of giggles and her response made Edo laugh heartily.

He was about to bring her lips back to his, when his phone bleeped. It was a text from Fede:

“We’re all finished. You two lovebirds might wanna hurry along now.”

Edo showed the text to Ele just as her phone rang. She put up her finger, indicating one second, and he planted a soft kiss against it, causing her to blush.

“Eva?”

“Hey Ele! Are you guys nearly done? We were all thinking of heading to get some food.”

“Sorry. We just finished and are walking over to you all now.”

“Was it painful?” Edoardo heard her question and tried not to laugh.

“Quite. We fought over who was winning the whole time.”

“Hahaha. What an ass. See you in a sec.”

“Bye.” Ele ended the call.

Edoardo pulled her to his side as they made their way to the end of the course. “We’ll say you won” he decided as he kissed the top of her head. “Maybe that’ll make up for how painful this whole experience was for you.”

[astridxking]

“What if the love you deserve is love you never find? I've learned in love and death, we don't decide.”

“You got me, always... You said that... You said it. So, you can’t just go back on that, you can’t let this can’t be the end when we were just beginning. You can’t be dead.

CHARACTERS → Dean Winchester LOCATION → Michigan TIME FRAME → 16th March, 2019 WARNINGS → death/grief/general depression/sadness/alcoholism NOTES → Astrid responds to a request from the police after they answered her call to Dean’s mobile.  TAGS → @ofbowlegs

It wasn’t actually unusual per say for her and Dean to suggest plans and have other things come up in their place. He said he’d swing by yesterday and he hadn’t but it wasn’t a big deal, he was just busy, right? He had his own life just as she had hers and so, she didn’t think much of it. With Alice staying at her brothers for a sleepover with Piper, it left the hybrid to potter around her apartment. She managed to clean up, dance around and finally collapse herself into bed at around midnight. Pulling her phone out to check she answered a couple texts before she clicked onto Dean, about to text him some lame joke but instead, she decided she’d call him. It would be funnier if he heard it and he was always awake. With a cackle to herself, she clicked call and put the phone to her ear with a happy little grin on her lips. The call was answered but the ‘hello, miss’ made her fling herself into a sitting position with an instant frown on her face. “Who’s this?” She asked, obviously knowing it wasn’t Dean. “Miss, this is Detective Hayes from MSP, I’m answering a call from a phone that has come into o-” he stopped because he was cut off by Astrid’s question. “MSP?” She didn’t know what that was. “Oh- yes, sorry, ma’am, Michigan State Police. We have the belongings of a John Doe, I’m- I’m very sorry, Miss, are you a relative of this man? Could you tell us his name?” The Detective had picked up the call because he had seen the picture, one of his ‘john doe’ and a female and he thought, since his john doe had no i.d. on him, his contacts could save him a lot of paperwork. “What? A John Doe? What does that mean? Is this a joke? Dean lives in Georgia, he’s nowhere near Michigan, who the fuck is this?” She didn’t mean to be snippy but naturally, she knew exactly what a ‘john doe’ was and she flipped into instant refusal and denial. Somebody had taken Dean’s phone and they were playing a cruel trick, right?

“Ma’am, I’m very sorry. He has no form of identification on him and so a fingerprint check is in process but I saw you calling and I thought perhaps you could clue us in. Miss, I’m very sorry to tell you, especially over the phone, but the male who owned this mobile has passed away.” He was trying to be both professional and sensitive. “Are you in the area, Astrid, is it?” He had seen the name on the caller I.D. “I would really prefer to speak with you in person and I’m very sorry to ask but if you have any identification for this man, could you bring it with you?” His words all seemed to go over her head and although she wanted to protest, she just choked on her attempted response. Dead? Michigan? It couldn’t be Dean, surely? Yet, something in her gut started twisting, making her swallow her own refusal and answer him with a yes. “I’m a few hours away but I can uh- I can drive to-” she paused again. “No, I’m sorry, this is- I don’t understand. Do you have anything but his phone? Car keys? I mean, no I.D? Not even a bank card? Nothing with his name? I mean, you have his phone and nothing else? You could be anyone, this could be a trap.” She wanted them to give her something more solid; like she was still holding onto this being a trick, somehow, it wouldn’t be that far out to consider that someone had kidnapped him and took his phone to lure someone to him. 

“Oh, yes, ma’am, there was a black Impala parked up which as we have discovered, fit the keys that were in his pocket. In regards to his wallet, there was only cash and a voucher for- well, for burgers.” He confirmed whether it was a violation or not he thought perhaps this girl could identify him and basically, save a lot of paperwork. “I’m- I can be there in the morning. Which hospital? Will you meet me there?” Astrid was already scurrying from her bed. Potential prank or not, it was enough to freak her out, especially with the mention of his car and of course, the burger voucher, considering Dean’s love for them. She listened to him tell her which hospital/morgue “Dean” was in before she hung up and threw on her clothes. It was around fifteen hours drive, she thought? It didn’t matter. The entire call had her completely bent out of shape, enough to let worry and paranoia consume her soul and make her set out in her car to travel there. Naturally, she was already trying to convince herself this was a trap, it was a lure, it was anything other than what it actually was... Truth. The drive felt like days rather than hours and she flipped between slow breathing, tears and then total absent minded numbness. Dean? Dead? Absolutely fucking not. 

Astrid had parked up as near to the hospital as she could get, thinking to herself now she was here that it was probably more logic of her to of checked his hot spots before she jumped in the car and came all this way. She hadn’t called anyone, hadn’t checked his home or anywhere he would usually be, which now made her feel stupid. Because this was a trick... He wasn’t in Michigan, he wasn’t dead. And yet the guy who approached her in the hospital doorway, holding out his badge, looked so official and legit. “Miss. Astrid?” She only nodded. “I’m very sorry to do this to you but I have to ask if you’re a relative?” He asked and she frowned, glancing to the two other suits waiting a few feet away. She assumed it was regulation. Protocol. “Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, I’m his family.” Her pupils focused and she used her compulsion to make him believe it without question. She knew what was coming next, or at least she assumed so. They needed a family member to identify the body, right? Given how the Detective nodded and gestured into the hospital, she followed with her fists tightly clenched and every single nerve in her body on high alert. Just because they were in a hospital still didn’t make this legit, if she was walking into a trap she wanted to be on red alert to defend herself. 

“I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to do your job and I’ve travelled hours to be here but this can’t be Dean. He lives where I do, it’s hours away, I don’t understand why he would be here?” Astrid just felt like she had to say so as she halted her footing before they entered the morgue. “Where was the body found? How?” She compelled the Detective once more whilst the two assumed officers lagged behind. “Cemetery in-front of a new headstone. Dead on scene, alcohol at hand but a cause of death isn’t yet confirmed, an autopsy is required.” He answered, much like a robot who looked positively confused right after he spoke, like he didn’t understand how the words just tumbled out his mouth even though he didn’t want them to. “A new headstone?” Astrid pressed. “Yes, ma’am. A headstone for a Lisa Breaden.” Giving a nod, the name alone made Astrid turn a shade of pale. If this was a trick then they were hitting all the right boxes to make it convincing. Lisa, his ex. Alcohol, something he didn’t do without. The fact it was a new headstone, for a person who died only recently. So what was left? Her head turned to the side and she peeked through the window. “You’re just going to let me in there? To tell you if it’s Dean or not? You don’t even know who I am. You don’t even know who he is. I could tell you anything. I haven’t got any I.D. to show you who I am? I called his phone, sure, but I could be his dentist for all you know, you didn’t even ask.” She whispered.

“We understand that, Miss. But your caller I.D. displayed on this mans phone with your name and a picture of the two of you together which is what’s prompted us to seek out your assistance. Fingerprints and or dental records will also be done, of course. And we will need some details from yourself.” The little officer answered - the one who looked like they were around sixteen on their first work experience day. “Right... I mean, that doesn’t seem entirely official but... Fine.” She frowned. She didn’t really know enough about these lawful situations to call them out if they were trying to skip over and cut corners. At this point she was just anxious to see the body, the body she still wasn’t actually convinced was Dean. Because it just couldn’t be. No. No way. “Oh, uh, here...” Astrid dug into her bag and pulled out the only thing Dean had left at her home, identification wise and it was only because he’d left without his jacket. “Just- I mean, you said... You said you wanted something but I’m only showing you this because I need to know if... If that picture looks like who is in there.” A warning would be better, she figured. Though she was actually hoping the Detective would look at the I.D. and say to her ‘oh, no. no it looks nothing like who is in there. “... Well? Is it? Is it him?”

The Detectives silence spoke volumes. It shushed the hybrid into total silence and by her face alone, the guy knew he didn’t actually have to say anything. The mortician opened up the door with one of those pitiful yet polite smiles and Astrid slowly glanced towards her before forcing her feet into the room. This was becoming way too real, she was feeling more nauseous by the second. Lightheaded and quite dizzy, if she was honest, because she’d come here on a whim, a stupid panic fueled whim and big belief it would be a trap and yet, now she was here. Stood with police who looked legit, clued in on facts that made sense and standing in front of a body with a white sheet over it. A body she didn’t need to see, not at this point. Her supernatural senses were hyperaware, she could smell the decay of the body as strongly as she could smell Dean’s scent even from under the sheet. Her legs turned to jelly and she stumbled a little further into the room, all colour washing from her, the sickly feeling creeping up on her even more. “Take it off. Just take it off.” She blurted out, to which the woman complied and carefully removed the sheet from his head. 

Any strength the hybrid had in her body vanished in that second. She sucked in the air and held it because she simply couldn’t breathe it out. She stumbled with her wobbly legs before she almost collapsed to the floor. Held up by an officer who pulled his arms around the back of her and even that didn’t deter her eyes that were fixated on his body. Astrid was trying to force back tears to see clearly, her breath was still caught in her lungs, she huffed and shoved the hands off her to allow her to move forward. To walk towards him. “Dean...” She whispered, reaching the metal table he was laid upon, one hand gripped the edge just to keep herself upright, but the other was trembling at her side. When she tried to breathe out, she choked. Her hand reached out to press against his cheek and she openly sobbed. He was cold. So cold. And it was him. Not only did ‘it’ look like him, ‘it’ had his smell too. This wasn’t a trick. It wasn’t a prank. It wasn’t a lure to get her here. It was real. It was all real. He was dead. “Wake up.” She murmured and brought both hands up to touch lightly on his shoulders. Almost like she didn’t dare squeeze, she only nudged him as the waterfall from her eyes dripped down her cheeks. 

“You said you wouldn’t leave me...” She prompted as if he could hear her. As if he would wake up. It was a grief-stricken moment, obviously, she knew he wasn’t just going to revive, she just needed a minute to try and process. “You got me, always... You said that... You said it. So, you can’t just go back on that, you can’t let this can’t be the end when we were just beginning. You can’t be dead.” Her head shook fiercely, making the teardrops from her face and onto his body because she’d dropped her head just a few inches from his face. Her words meant nothing, not even to her. He was gone. She literally had her hands on his dead body and after the denial minute passed, her upper half closed the gap between her and him and she choked, sobbed and screamed all in the space of a few seconds. Astrid felt hands on her, hands trying to pull her shoulders upward and basically pull her away and of course, logically she could have stopped them, but right now? Not a single cell in her body felt like it had strength enough to do anything but cry. “Please, please! You can’t do this to me! You said you wouldn’t leave me!” Distraught, she was screaming at Dean’s body and at this point, only standing through the aid of the officer's arms holding her up. “... Please.” She stopped struggling in their arms and her voice wasn’t higher than a whisper as she shook her head. “I can’t lose you, it-it’s too much, I- I just- I need you,” she blubbered, letting the extra bodies hold her weight as she tried to sink further into the ground, her focus not once leaving Dean’s face. “I love you...” And that made it all the more tragic... She’d told him, as he had told her only a couple weeks ago. It was supposed to be the start of something, not the end. Yet somehow she couldn’t help but recall the entire conversation which had if not many, then at least one relatable comment which was the fact they had both expressed...

“Everyone I love d i e s.”

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup: 2x9 “ Silent Night, Deadly Night”

Okay we open up the scene and apparently it’s Christmas time. This timeline literally makes no sense. So this has all happened in three months? So Archie and Fred now sell Christmas trees in addition to their construction business that i totally forgot about. Archie is like “we’re selling Christmas trees to make extra money” and i’m like “ oh right because you’re Taylor swift before she got famous and became the literal worst. You’ve got Christmas tree farm? Wake up America. This all sounds so fake.” Mary Andrews isn’t going to be back for Christmas because she’s going on a singles cruise, she’ll be getting lit daily on the lido deck with a bunch of other sad forty somethings.

Archie and Jughead commiserate over their failed relationships and honestly probably order another 4 rounds of milkshakes to drink away their feelings.

So Polly sneaks into Betty's room to wake her up like “ he’s here!” and I should have known right then that it it was a dream because why would Polly who is literally a sin oven roll back up to town right when the Black Hood is ready to take names.

So now we know that Nana Rose didn’t die in the throne hill fire because I guess she was like at the country club or something. So the Blossoms are broke and christmas is going to be sad. Honestly they should have cashed that hush money  from the St.Clairs but whatever, it was the principle of the thing. So like they have this other massive house to replace the one that burned down but they don’t have 45 dollars go get a ham and some mash potatoes?  

Well shit the Andrews are also going broke. Archie is like confused about why the hospital bill costs so much and i’m like honey you live in America, getting shot isn’t free. Obama care like isn’t a thing anymore.

Next we see the Lodges, who I thought were broke but Veronica is making designer purchases like her american excess card has no limit. So like what it the truth? 

FP and Jughead have a little spat and Jughead is super pissy. He’s not about this drug life but I mean the Serpents have always dealt pot and you know they say that that’s a gateway drug.

Veronica gets a voucher for a couples massage and it’s honestly pretty awks because she is now sans Justin Gingerlake as her arm candy. She can go with Betty, or her mom, and honestly that’s so my life.

Archie is making eyes at Betty when he gives her her secret santa gift and Jughead takes notice of this. Sidenote: They’re at Riverdale High so like why is Jughead there? Should he not be at his sad rundown underprivileged school? Oh he just doesn’t go to school anymore? Same. Fuck school if you know what i mean.

By a true Christmas Miracle Moose makes a rare appearance. He has a limp but is still hot.  

Okay so Mr. Spooky Janitor is gone. I can’t remember his name. They say his name like 40 thousand times in this episode but i’m still like who is that?  Archie is thinking that he got the janitor killed so they roll up to the receptionists desk and it’s pretty clear to me that this women would be down to bone Mr. Janitor and was hoping that that chicken soup was going to lead somewhere.

Jughead and Betty are in the Blue and Gold office and they exchange gifts. The box Betty gives Jughead is way bigger than the one he gives her and I can tell that she clearly likes to win at gift giving.

Veronica gives Archie this fancy watch she bought him pre breakup that she had engraved. It’s a little awks and Archie is probably going to pawn that watch to pay for his father's medical bills. Honestly Archie doesn’t seem like the nice watch type. He’s liable to misplace that at any second or just forget that he ever owned it. He probably lost his guitar and forgot he ever wanted to be a singer and that’s why we don’t hear about it anymore. 

So the serpents do a lot of charity over the holidays and that seems to be a running theme through bikers gangs. Jughead is pissed because Daddy chose Sweet Pea to be the teenage ambassador to the drug trade. No nepotism here.   

Archie and Betty show up to the Janitors house and I know that I could just google what this guys name is or pay a little more attention but like i’m good how I am thank you.  So the soup is still on the front porch and the Janitor doesn’t come running when they pound on the door. Is he dead? Honestly doubtful.

The Lodges are having a nice family dinner and Hermione starts talking about Spiffanys and I honestly want to slit my wrists. Like are they kidding me with these fake names? Veronica is like “Daddy pay my ex boyfriends Daddys medical bills” and Daddy is like “no”. and Veronica gets pissed and then daddy gets pissed. Daddy told Veronica not to go snooping for santa's gifts and that’s so relatable.

Cheryl puts up a Christmas tree and then she and Penelope throw down. Nana rose thinks they should have honor killed Cheryl awhile ago and at this point I think that Penelope agrees.

Alice is busy being a domestic goddess, whipping up cookies in case her  runaway daughter, who at this point is 14 months pregnant, ever decides to return from the farm.

Betty gets a severed finger so i guess that means she’s on the naughty list.

Betty calls Archie to come look at the finger and i’m like bitch why haven’t you called the police you stupid bitch. Oh now black hood is calling again but how is a girl to know because the chorus of lollipop wasn’t playing. Oh how freaking convient that Joseph what's his nuts was at the sisters of quiet mercy. So you don’t have to be a pregnant teen cooper girl to go there?

Veronica goes snooping in Daddy's desk for gifts  even though she was specifically told not too and finds out the her parents bought pops.  I’ve just gotta say that that portrait of her is still so creepy.

Jughead thinks that FP is moving drugs but really it's just gifts. Ever riverdale kid wants to spoil christmas apparently. Jughead is being a stupid bitch like I really don’t think he gets how blackmail works. Like he just wants his dad to stop dealing drugs. Like he would if he could you little asshole.

Veronica wants to pay off Freds medical bills and i’m like okay your parents might not mind if you spend money here and there on “glamazon.com” but I think they are going to notice a charge for almost 90 thousand dollars you fool.

Jughead wants to “take out” Penny and it’s kind of yikes. So the teenage branch of the serpents are once again going to act like they are in charge when literally the actual members of the gang let them sit in the bar because their nice not because they actually think that they’re useful.

Okay so the janitor told them to kill the wrong person. That’s awkward. Like oops my bad. OMG NANA ROSE WAS PART OF THE HIT. I LOVE IT. YOU GO NANA ROSE.

I don’t get how Jughead is so nonchalant about Murder? Like he just rolls up crowbar in hand.Oh my god they are wearing those weird masks that just makes them seem more like children pretending to be hardcore.

Veronica gets busted and decides to try blackmail her parents and they are having none of it.

Why is she surprised that they can afford a dinner if she’s been spending up a storm in honour of the holiday season. Are we finally going to find out what the deal with the lodges is? I’m honestly sick of their secrets. Like don’t tell me who the black hood is just tell me what the fuck Mark is up to and is Kelly in on it?

Oh okay the Serpents aren’t going to kill Penny, they’re just going to drive her across the river and hope that she stays away? She’s not a stray cat. Oh my god is Jughead going to knife her? No he’s just going to crave her tattoo off her skin. How casual. I got up to the same kind of hijinks when I was fifteen.

So we roll up to the new Thorn Hill which has a name that I don’t remember. I love Cheryls holiday outfit. Nana Rose wasn’t present at the murder of the man because fuck women am I right? Oh my god they buried this guy alive???Okay so Polly's grandfather was one of the people who murdered this guy and  Betty once again kind of makes it all about herself. Like “omg the black hood picked me because of my grandpa” get over yourself Betty. Freak then her and Archie share a brief kiss while Cheryl watches from the window, where she  will store this information until she can use it to ruin their lives at a later date.

Okay so we don’t get to know what's up with the Lodges and i’m honestly so pissed. They need Fred for what comes next: Is he still 20% owner of SoDale or whatever that deal was? Daddykins? Really? Shoot me now.

Jughead tells FP that he and Serpent B team dealt with Penny and then gives a speech about how proud he is about being a serpent. FP is having some serious doubts about this shit. Like how scary can a group of 15 year olds really be? I still think that Penny is Alice’s sister or cousin or something ( honestly in riverdale if you have the same hair colour you are probably related.) and will be back real soon. So like we shall see .

Okay so they have a nice photo of the vigilante group burying this guy alive because obviously right after they committed murder they had to take a nice photo for instagram. It’s honestly a very aesthetically cute photo and I would give it a reblog. 

They dig up the box and it’s empty and then boom the black hood is there. SHIT.

Okay so he still has his creepy masked voice. Like what’s the deal? I thought he was using an app to disguise his voice so Betty wouldn’t recognize it but it’s not like he’s speaking into an iphone right now.

BH makes Archie get in the coffin or he’s going to shoot Betty in the head. They called Sheriff Keller on the way so let’s hope that he isn't too busy sinning with the mayor to roll up in a timely manner.

Okay so the black hood is making Betty bury Archie alive and i’m cringing. I don’t fuck around with this type of shit. It is not what I’m about. I’m not going to sleep properly for several nights now because i’m going to be thinking about being buried alive. Thanks Riverdale. 

The Sirens blare and Betty hits the black hood with a shovel. Archie climbs out of the grave, picks up the gun that the black hood conveniently dropped and sets out after him.

They catch him on the bridge and Sheriff Keller shoots the guy dead.

Oh shit it’s the janitor.

Okay but if the black hood did actually kidnap the janitor  the real black hood could have forced him to go out and meet Archie and Betty. I don’t know.

Penelope is getting it on with some dude. Am I supposed to know who that is?

Betty got Jughead this bitching typewriter and he got her a nice book. So yeah she won the gift giving.Archie got Veronica a cheezy locket but that gets her crawling back to him saying that she loves him and shit. So Drama alert is he going to tell her about kissing Betty?  

Someone takes creepy photos of them kissing . 

Betty burns the contents of her mystery box but like what’s this? She takes out the black mask? Is dark Betty really coming out to play now? Like does she know it isn’t over because she thinks that the black hood is still out there or does she think that they still have sinners to deal with. I don’t fucking know.  Okay now we have to wait forever for more episodes. Shitty