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tae-cup · 4 years ago

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Candle | MYG Oneshot

Inspired by: Cavetown’s “Candle”

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Summary: You met him at the lowest point in your life. He was your candle, your light, and he helped you fly to the clouds.

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING (I write my emotions and my dark thoughts, I write my pain and sturggles, but please don’t hurt yourself, okay? If any of you readers need to talk, please just shoot me a message. I’m a listening ear.) Angst, Hurt/Recovery Au, Depressing thoughts, Thoughts of Suicide, and last but not least Fluff, Please if you are struggling, reach out :) (HOTLINES)

Word Count: 4.3k Words

A/N: Please reach out if you’re struggling. I understand because I’ve struggled with these thoughts and this is my form of release. I really don’t want to trigger anyone. I care for all my readers and I want you to know that this beginning part may be the darkest thing I’ve written in a while, but I swear to you, this has a happy ending.

Other: Masterlist

Every time I screw up I feel I've let down all my friends Stumbling through a thousand stars and neon cars break through my skull There's so much life out here in space it's crazy that we're here at all

You can skip this beginning part if you would just like to read about recovery

It seemed like running away from your problems was the only thing you could do. It wasn’t even just speculation, it was the truth, evident through many many occasions where you metaphorically and literally ran away.

The first instance would have been when you were just 10 years old. Your parents were fighting again; smashed plates, drunken screams. So you managed to slip out undetected and you ran. You ran so hard that you couldn’t breathe. Everyone at school had always spoken about how beautiful love is. How they want to fall in love, get married, maybe become famous.

But it was at this moment that you decided that love was awful. If that’s what love did to people, why would you want that? As result, you were...emotionally stunted. Rash, unreasonable, guarded.

You found yourself running again in seventh grade. Kim Seokjin gave you flowers and sheepishly asked you out. No. No. No. The words rang in your head. Love is awful. You thought as you curled into a ball. It was making you cry. And you feared the ache in your chest would never go away, a forever hole in your heart. Love hurt other people. Seokjin was hurting because of it, or maybe because of you, but your mind watered it down to it being because of love.

Throughout high school you refused to let love into your life, to even try. It wasn’t worth it to you. What was the point if you were just going to break it off anyway? Surely you would never survive college. Besides, it wasn’t like you had a line of people wanting to date you.

Then college came around and left. You spent the entire time huddled in your studies and maybe going out with friends. You still ran from your problems, your insecurities. You were terrified. Terrified that whatever unfathomable anger your parents had was also passed down to you, that you’d hurt people like they hurt each other.

It’s better this way. You thought to yourself as you returned to your empty apartment.

It’s better this way. You thought at you watched the happy couple order their coffees.

It’s better this way. You thought as you turned down a man with roses and a boxy smile.

It’s better if you don’t fuck up someone else’s life like you’ve fucked up your own. The world was a scary place and you just wanted to get by. Happiness meant nothing to you. Everything was black and white. The world felt heavy on your shoulders and you knew no one could possibly help you hold it up.

What’s the point anymore? A waste of space. Years of pushing everyone away had finally worked. Now you were alone. No new messages, no phone calls, just empty space. You were stuck in a dead end job and it wasn’t like anyone would notice if you disappeared.

You sat in the bathtub, water turning cold, knees drawn in. If you slid under, would anyone notice? Would your body even have the strength to struggle if you inhaled the soapy water? If you let it drown you?

What if you took the kitchen knife and...You shivered. No. Your subconscious whispered.

Shut up. The monster responded. The monster was dark, a curling shadow the infested your mind. It wouldn’t be long until it grew to fill all the space in your mind; every corner, every turn. Every time you locked it away, it burst back stronger than before. When would it end?

You didn’t want the pain anymore. You didn’t want to die, you just wanted it all to stop. Maybe that’s why you were in the hospital. Maybe that’s why you were now surrounded by a group of adults around your age, all dressed casually and sitting on plastic chairs in a circle.

“Mina, why don’t you go next?” The woman who ran the group smiled. Her name was slipping your mind. She had introduced herself a while ago, but you hadn’t been paying attention. Instead, your attention was on a boy you went to high school with. Min Yoongi.

The young girl known as Mina fidgeted restlessly. Her fingers curled in and out, clutching the hem of her white shirt with unease.

“I...today...” She searched for the right words. Everyone was silent, only a few people looking at the girl. The rest were either staring at the ceiling or the ground. You were trying to figure out how much long you had to stay here. You had always known you were unwell mentally, but you didn’t think it was this bad.

That was until you were brought to the hospital with blood pooling around your wrists and cold water in your hair. It hadn’t been thought out, per say, you just didn’t want to continue on, not like this. None of the people here care about what you’re saying. No one is here to listen. They want to leave as badly as you do. The monster whispered.

And you intended to leave soon. You didn’t know what you were going back to, but you didn’t want to spend three months in this place. The entire building felt like a hospital with bare rooms and the bare minimum necessities. You couldn’t even shower without someone standing in the room, back faced away from you. Your phone was taken away, but it wasn’t like anyone was contacting you.

“Today, I didn’t feel the need to, uh, you know.” Mina whispered, head tilting down. The woman smiled at her approvingly.

“That’s wonderful improvement, Mina. You’re doing so well.”

“Thank you.” The girl murmured back, every word getting quieter. You didn’t want to share, you didn’t want to let these strangers into your head, you already enough strangers in there.

“Y/N?” The woman turned to you. Her blonde hair was pulled into a crisp bun, not a hair out of place.

“Pass.” You said lamely, slumping in your seat. You could feel a heated stare from across the circle and you spotted Yoongi looking at you. He locked eyes and you had no choice but to look away out of pure discomfort.

“Okay, but please do consider opening up to the group. We’re all here to support you.” She smiled warmly, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. You knew she was getting frustrated. A full month and no improvement.

“I don’t want to, I won’t ever. I’ve handled my problems just fine before so I’d appreciate if you’d let me do that.” You snapped back. Why can’t they just understand you? See, it’s just another room of people who don’t care.

Your fingers itched to dig into the pad of your thumb. That’s how it all started, right? You went numb a long time ago, it was hopeless impassiveness.

“Please think about it.” The woman noted something onto her clipboard. She went down the list of names and tapped her pen on a name. “Yoongi?”

The male frowned and shifted uncomfortably. He had pitch black, curly hair and bangs that hung loosely in front of his face. He was like you. He hadn’t said much, but there had been a noticeable shift in how he acted. You didn’t even realize that you had been studying how he moved, how he ticked, but you realized it now. He sat up straighter, no longer lazily avoiding questions. The man even tried to interact with you a couple times, but you immediately turned him down. No one wants to be friends with a monster.

“Today...today I felt better.” Was all he said, a soft expression passing over his face before he went back to his blank expression. The woman couldn’t hide her excitement at the progress.

“That’s great, Yoongi! Keep it up and let me know if there are any issues.” She said, her voice hurried and almost giddy.

He simply nodded swiftly and went back to staring at you, or maybe the wall behind you, you couldn’t tell. Your fingers dug into the palms of your hand. Why are you the only one not making progress?

“Well, I think that’s all we have time for.” The woman looked at her watch. “Let me know if you want to talk,” She looked pointedly at you. “My door is always open.”

She seemed nice enough, just...overly excited. It came across as fake, forced, and certainly not genuine. She gathered her things and left the room, big double doors swinging behind her.

You watched her leave and when she was out of sight, you relaxed more. The others in the group got up and went to watch T.V. or play games. Yoongi and you were frozen in place. He was burning you alive with his eyes and you were trying your best to put out the flames. He slowly stood and walked over to you, standing close enough that you had no choice but to look at him.

Surprisingly, the expression he wore was not intimidating. It came across as soft, almost kind. He held out his hand and your eyes trailed to where his sleeves hitched up slightly. White lines of faded scars, scars made from sharp razors, peppered his skin. You didn’t mention it. Your arms were marked the same way.

“Y/N?”

“Hm?”

“I recognize you from high school.” He said nonchalantly. “Want to get lunch and catch up?”

“No thanks.” No. No. No. Stop trying to get close to me. You averted your eyes, but that didn’t deter him.

“Y/N.” He breathed. “Come on. I just want to get to know you better.”

“No you don’t.” You bit back, hands clenching into fists.

“But I do. And if I cared about the dark thoughts in your head or the twisted caverns of your mind, we both wouldn’t be here.”

It was weird to hear someone describe their mind to you. You had always thought of your mind as a house and your bedroom where you slept had the worst demon. To hear him see his mind as caverns, twisting tunnels, and a maze, it was...informative. He’s lost. You’re trapped. One in the same.

“No thank you.” You repeated. “I’m going to my room to read.” You stood abruptly and left.

But he just doesn’t give up. It was actually a weird attribute for someone in the position you’re in right now, but you didn’t think much of it. He asked you every single day. No. No. No.

And one day, he wore you down. When he took your hand in his and led you to the cafeteria, you realized how much you craved physical affection. It made you feel out of control. And you dropped his hand like you were burned. You’re not supposed to let people get this close. Getting attached is stupid, what if you hurt them?

Yet, when you sat down with him and began talking about life, you could physically feel a weight pulling off your chest. You didn’t know when he took your hand, you didn’t realize, that he had rushed forward and taken some of the weight for himself. He dedicated his shoulders to help you hold your pains as well, he reached out and he cared. He cared for the girl he’d been obsessed with since high school.

It was a shock to see you in the same place as him. Why didn’t he see the signs? A question he would ask himself for a long time.

You couldn’t laugh. You physically couldn’t bring yourself to do it, even if you found something hilarious. It was like your chest was weighted down, refusing to do anything other than keep you alive and breathing. A month passed of sitting at lunch with Yoongi and then running to get as far away from him as possible. You’re getting sloppy. You thought, was it your thoughts or the monster’s? Perhaps you were the same person now.

It was after lights out. The hallways were dark, dead silent. You didn’t want to sleep. You couldn’t. You had another month and then you could leave, but they could sign a few papers and force you to stay if they didn’t think you were better. You couldn’t even remember what it was like to feel better. What is it like to feel anything? Your arms hung off your bed as you sprawled out on the single bed. There was a knock. The door was always unlocked, but everyone usually respected each other’s space.

“Yes?” You didn’t question who it was, you knew.

The door softly opened and then closed. In the darkness, your eyes struggled to see the outlines of him, but with how he was standing you knew it was Yoongi.

“Hey. How are you?” He murmured, he walked forward and plopped onto the ground in front of your bed. You didn’t turn to face him.

“I’m stuck in this place, what do you think?”

“You can talk to me, you know?”

“I don’t want to talk, god, everyone just wants me to spill all of my life to them. Why can’t you just leave me alone?” You said harshly, your voice hushed as to not be heard by the staff.

Again, Yoongi was not deterred. He stood and walked to your bedside. You turned your head to look at him. He crouched and took your hand in his. The moonlight filtered through the small window, illuminating his face and eyes that glowed in the darkness. He was staring at you and you felt your breath hitch. No. You wanted to look away but you were transfixed. Look away, goddamnit. No one wants to know your shit. But his warm hand didn’t stray from yours. You thought back to the cafeteria, all the small smiles of encouragement he gave you, the happy memories he was beginning to create.

But you don’t deserve those happy memories. You don’t deserve-

“Want to see the stars with me, Y/N?”

Your train of thought halted. He smiled a little, eye glinting. You craned your neck to look out the small window, but at this angle it was impossible to see much except black.

“I’m not sure if they exist anymore.” You whispered, eyes locking with him. He squeezed your hand.

“They do, and you deserve to see them.”

Stop, what are you doing? The monster hissed.

I’m not sure anymore. A new voice whispered. The monster was taken aback by a small light, small as a matchstick, floating into the room. All I need is a candle to light this place up. The matchstick whispered in your ear.

You nodded blankly, standing up and following him out the door, voices forgotten.

“Yoongi?”

“Hm?” He doesn’t look at you.

You’re currently both sprawled side by side, arms and legs splayed like you’re making snow angels. Your eyes are taking in the sight above. The Milky Way shines in a brilliant streak across the sky. The stars are littering the darkness like flashlights twinkling on and off.

“It’s beautiful.” You breathe softly. All that’s there is the sound of the trees rustling around the building’s rooftop.

“I know.”

There’s a beat of silence. Then the gravel shifts underneath him as he turns over on his side to look at you.

“Tell me what happened.” He whispered. You shifted over to look at him as well.

“You don’t want to know. The things inside my head,” you paused, letting your eyes shut and a breath escape. “They’re monsters. And I can’t tell the difference between me and them.”

He nodded, holding eye contact. He reached over and interlaced your fingers with his.

“I think if people knew my thoughts, they’d run. So I do the job for them.” You relented, the walls slowly cracking. He had shared so much of himself with you, you felt the need to let him have a piece, but you didn’t want the whole dam to break.

“You’re not a monster, and no one’s going to shut you out.” He whispered. The dam cracked, water splashing over the top as it filed beyond capacity.

“My parents fought a lot and I fear their anger is in my genes. I refuse to hurt people.” You whispered, suddenly sitting up before the wall could crack further. “And that includes you.”

“Wait, Y/N!”

“Just stop, Yoongi. You’re only going to get yourself hurt.” You couldn’t even bring yourself to add anger to your words. It was just pure defeat. You were tired. So very tired.

“Y/N. You have someone here to see you?” A nurse knocked on your door. You often heard her knocking on others’ doors to say this exact line, but you never imagined it to be your own.

“Who?”

“She goes by a Mrs. Y/L/N.”

Your heart sped up.

“What?”

You followed the cheerful nurse down the hall in a daze, one foot after another. She came? She came? You ignored the gaze from Yoongi as you passed him. She came? She came? It was like a chant, a mantra. Your throat closed up at the thought of even seeing your mother. The woman who raised you, the one who made you terrified of love, but loved you endlessly. Nonsense. The monster whispered at that thought. It made you want to cry more.

She came? You turned the corner. Your eyes searched the room of visitors. It was quiet, murmurs of joy and sadness shaking from each group. Then you saw her, sitting in the back, not distracted, eyes searching for you. You can’t do this. You were shaking and the nurse paused, giving you a sympathetic smile.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m just...homesick.” The last word barely managed to get out, your mouth shutting to keep a sob inside. Your mother met your eyes and she didn’t move. You could barely breathe.

She came. You bit your lip hard to stop the tears from gathering more than needed. You were an adult. You hadn’t even spoken to her in two years, but there was no doubt that she represented your home, your childhood, years you could never relive again. You walked forward and sat in front of her.

You expected anger. Their eyes were always full of anger in your memories. Her skin was always cut from the dishes thrown to the ground. Her voice was always hoarse from the screaming; from the love that faded before her eyes, before your eyes.

You expected anger, but when you met her eyes, she was simply worried. Motherly concern written on her face. She looked you up and down.

“Mom?” Your voice was small, like a child. She stood and went to your side. She crouched and pulled you into a bone crushing hug. Her hand caressed your head, her other wrapped around your waist.

“Shhh.” She whispered, but you could feel her wet tears on the back of your shirt. You slowly let your hands come up and wrap around her as well. You pulled her in close, tears flowing quickly, a pain in your chest letting itself out. You were a child again, running from the rain and darkness, running from the things that scared you most.

Your hands scrunched up the back of her shirt as you sobbed.

“I’m sorry.” You cried out. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” She held you. She wrapped her arms around your middle and let you release tears. A language that speaks when the words just aren’t enough.

“Once you’re out of here, once you’re better, I think you should come live with us again.” She whispered.

“Why?”

“Because we love you.”

You pulled away, rubbing your nose on your sleeve.

“You don’t know what love is.” You said in disbelief, the words tumbling out before you can think. See, look at you messing up again. The words weren’t accusatory, they were spoken like the truth; the truth you had convinced yourself to believe.

“Yes, I do, Y/N.” She gently pushed back a strand of your hair, not showing any signs of pain. “Your father and I fought a lot, but we still love each other. Love is commitment. You can’t run away from it.”

“Yes you can.” You insisted. “I’ve done it my entire life.”

“Are you happy?”

Silence. You could feel the lump in your throat coming back. She came back for you. She cared. She loves you and she wants you to come home. The matchstick sung. You refused to give it a candle. You were scared. Without the darkness, who would you be? Weren’t you and the monster one in the same?

“No.” You said quietly.

“Visiting hours are over.” The nurse said over the speaker and families bid their farewells as they left.

“I think that’s telling enough.” Your mother didn’t move for a moment. Then she slowly stood, taking you with her. “Get better, please. I love you, Y/N.”

You couldn’t move as she left. You watched her leave. Always gone. The monster whispered.

But she came back for you. The matchstick said softly.

“Yoongi?”

“Hm?” He looked up from his food as you walked over. You had spent so long eating in your room, isolating yourself, but you realized you missed talking to that dork.

His eyes traced your body, a confused look on his face. You set down your tray and sat with him. Avoiding him was getting you nowhere. You glanced at his short sleeves, then to the metal knife in his hand. He’s improving. You felt self conscious, but continued.

“You don’t like carrots, why did you get them?” He asked, eyeing your plate. You knew he liked them. You got them for him. And...you couldn’t help letting out a small chuckle. The sound was foreign.

“You’re doing well.” You said quietly, ignoring his confused stare. He nodded once.

“You as well.” He didn’t smile. You wanted to see his gummy smile again. You reached over hesitantly and placed your hand on his. His eyebrows shot up.

“When are you being discharged?”

“Next week.”

“Good job.” You ignored the sinking feeling in your stomach. You’re happy for him. Really. But it made you feel weak. This entire time you were trying to be strong, to shut everyone out, but maybe real strength was working to improve yourself. You don’t have that strength. Yet, the monster’s voice was weaker and the matchstick burned brighter.

Just give me a candle and I’ll light this place up. The matchstick floated towards you. At this rate, I’ll burn up soon enough.

And you didn’t know if you would be able to recover if the matchstick burned out.

“Hey, Yoongi? Want to go see the stars tonight?”

The galaxy looked like if someone took a paint brush and smeared a streak of purple, pink, and white across a blank canvas.

“Sometimes, I think I’m just letting everyone down.” Not sometimes, all the time.

“What do you mean?”

“I chased away all my friends and everyone I cared about. Now look where I am.” You were sitting with your legs crossed while Yoongi laid down. “They probably hate me.”

“I think if you reached out, they would still want to see you.” Yoongi said carefully.

“They don��t.” You said sharply before letting out a breath. “I don’t know what I’d go back to.”

“Your friends may not love you, but they care about you, right?”

“I haven’t spoken to them in years.”

He mulled over this fact for a moment before sitting up right.

“Well you have me, and I love you. All of you.” His voice was firm and before you could speak, he wrapped his arms around you from behind, tugging you to his chest. You missed this.

“That can’t be right.” You murmured, but he heard you.

“It’s true.” He whispered, breath fanning across your neck and making you shiver.

“Why?”

“There isn’t a reason, it’s just the universe telling me something about you makes me feel right.”

You turn around and interlace your fingers with his, holding them up between you.

“Me too.”

Yoongi was gone, but you didn’t feel like a lost cause. They trusted you with metal now and you could take a shower without someone in the room. Your mind just kept going back to his number written on a crumpled up piece of paper in your pocket.

You had looked at that paper for hours, memorizing it in case you lost it. Now you stood, fingers curling and uncurling as you hesitated. The door was blue, a contrast to the white halls. The name card read Dr. Kim. So that was her name, huh? You raised your hand to knock. No. No. No.

The monster had never fought so hard. Doubt flooded your brain, filling every crevice and the matchstick was drowning. No. No. No. Then, as you were dragged into the depths of your mind, your feet turning around to go back to your room, a hand grabbed your arm and tugged you to the surface. Yoongi’s face stared back at you in the darkest corner of your mind.

He pulled you to his chest and looked you in the eye. Yes. He whispered. The candle. There it was. Warmth, a soft yellow light chasing the darkness away. The monster, shrunk away, for once smaller than the candle. You held the candle and found yourself walking back to that blue door.

Knock knock knock. The door opened to reveal Dr. Kim, the kindness in her eyes that had seemed so fake a few months ago, now comforted you. The flame burned brighter.

“Y/N?” Her disbelief was evident. “Would you like to...to talk?”

No. No. No.

“Yes, please.”

She opened the door and the flame turned into a wildfire, spreading to every corner in your darkened home. You walked in, watching the monster grow bigger, growling at you to leave. And for once...you didn’t run away.

Have the strength to push away all the pain from yesterday, Cause there's nothing worth crying about Your heart is a candle and I won't let you blow it out

#bts #bts x reader #min yoongi #suga #yoongi x reader #Candle #Oneshot #angst #fluff #tatafics #TRIGGER WARNING #Hurt/recovery au

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