#and he was able to convince her of this bc she was crushed that dean lied to her and intended to kill her to take down chuck

[ardentpoop]

:)

[helahades]

the sexiest wip list

alright! reminder that this is a dark fic blog. dark fics are not just noncon, but uncomfortable subject matter and questionable thought processes and unreliable povs. control your media experience and read warnings carefully! they’ll be updated when the actual story releases, but these are wips, and i don’t know them all bc I simply have not finished these stories!

some darker warnings on this list include: threats of sexual violence, obsession, death, and previously mentioned unreliable povs from obsessive characters who justify themselves.

final reminder to read warnings! some of these are intense.

1) Jealous Thor (Untitled)

warnings: cheating, mean!reader, angst

You’re falling for Steve right under his nose. Each day, Thor feels you pull farther away. Each night, he squeezes his eyes shut as you lie asleep next to him, and tries to forget the way you lookat Steve these days with hunger and adoration that you once gave to him.

“He is earthly. For all his body’s and mind’s possession of unnatural experimental growth, he is earthly and limited, so Thor can’t understand why you’re drawing away from him, and telling Steve the jokes, giving Steve all the looks that had him hooked. The lingering eyes and touches… they ride the line of decency.”

—

2) Heimdall Angst (Untitled)

warnings: major character death, grief, existentialism, out of body experiences

Connected by incredible wisdom and duty to fate, you and The Gatekeeper of Asgard are pulled together by the unique pairing of your mutual seeing abilities—made for greatness, and destined for tragedy.

This story stretches from the moment that catalyzes your meeting, across the years of loving him, to the moment you lose him.

“A fateful tragedy. He sees an arrow through a dove.

He wonders how he missed your encounter with him in the whispers of the cosmos.

“—They’re star deaths,” you say abruptly, “the ones that move and change color. They speed up when you watch them—show their whole life to come...I read about them. Most can’t ever see them life this”.

Turning to where you stand beside him, his eyes swirl with the magic of knowing you, of your destinies combined. He sees you stare at his stars like they’re new.

“Only us.”

—

3) Away from the Party - Steve Smut

warnings: smut, dubcon, roughness, manipulation, unintentional exhibition

Steve hates these parties. After a mission, the work has just begun, and he fumes at the impossible way that Tony covers all problems in diamonds and pearls. Some things aren’t meant to be pretty.

You are. You’re soft, and kind, and you coax him gently away from the party—the source of his frustrations, with promises of leaving early, of calming down. Oh. He’ll calm down. And you’re just the toy to help. In a closet a corner away from the government’s finest, America’s golden boy has a hand on your throat and one demand.

“Keep quiet.”

“Of course, you both ended up at the party anyway, but with you swirling cool fingertips at his aching temples and rubbing softly over the stretch marks on his chest, he couldn’t find anything in heart to disagree with you then.

Even now with his erection pressed to you through barriers of clothing, with scarcely retrained and monstrous lust, he is steadily calmed by your presence. This rush, the secrecy—it excites him. And you pull him through the haze of it.”

—

4) Monster Thor Headcanons

warnings: wound and gore descriptions, some sadness

The fantasy of it all. Aesthetic, Lifestyle, Behavior. Some talking points include: hair, horns, hints about how he was influenced by a soft and charming lover many years ago, general horniness. Also spoiler that I’ve decided that He is 8ft tall

“Thor is...ancient. he is a being of war and folklore and raw energy and he’s earthy and elemental and connected. and form follows function. (and also whatever horny thoughts we want )”

—

5) The Call

warnings: voyeurism, death threats, obsession, implied sexual assault threats

When Frank comes to visit you, you beam like a sunflower. You’ve rearranged your room, and you’re excited about it. He would like to revel in the moment with you...but he’s caught up in one detail. Your bed is pushed against the window...and he can’t convince you to let him move it.

After a night of sin and wild lovemaking, you lie asleep bathed in moonlight, and Frank wakes to a call. Billy. He’s set up on a rooftop miles away, and he’s got things to say about Frank’s girl and what he’d like to do to her. A red dot on his chest means he can only listen. To your gentle snoring, and to the twisted fantasy of a brother unhinged.

“Black silk pajamas. Hair wrapped up in satin. Yellow light almost like sun stretches to the ceiling, but not quite over the rolling hills of your silhouette turned away from him in quiet sleep.

Frank’s hardly got the time to wonder why he’s awake, because his phone buzzes slow again. Pulls the moment he realizes he will have to break this magic peace to molasses and he half fills his lungs before huffing it out and flipping the phone open and tucked between his ear and shoulder.

“What.”

“She’s a reaaaaal pretty one, Frankie boy. You sure know how to pick em.”

—

6) Loki Longing (Untitled)

warnings: pregnant!fem reader, angst

On the Eve of the birth of Asgard’s heir, Thor is away. In a bath of flowers and magic to ease your pain, maidens worry over you, and Loki rescues you away, letting you rest in bed, and dreaming of the days when you were his lover instead.

“I’d like to rest…in my bed now, please.”

The ladies look to each other. It hasn’t been long enough for the herbs to take effect.

“My Queen,” the eldest starts—

“She is certainly your queen,” a silky silver timbre interrupts, “I’ve learned it’s best to mind her.”

His eyes fall to your form, and some blocked conflict—some guarded affection rests there. Some longing tucked in a pocket like an impossible secret.

—

7) With Child - Obsessive Steve

warnings: pregnant!fem reader, obsessive Steve

Watching you content, and very pregnant, as you gaze adoringly at your husband Thor from where you rest, half in his lap, Steve can’t help but fantasize. He thinks about impregnating you, the mechanics of sex with a pregnant woman, and being the god who does it all.

“Do you have to lie on your side? Is Thor just behind you, spooning you, fucking with desperate thrusts because you drive him so crazy this way? Steve has heard—and he doesn’t know where—that women get wetter when with child. Steve can’t help but wonder...does Thor need to hold one leg up for you—to save your back that’s so often heavy with the weight of supporting his legacy?”

—

8) Dean’s Girl

warnings: unreliable pov (john), voyeurism, masturbation + voyeurism

John notices the way you avoid him. You always seem to leave a room just as he’s coming into it. He’s living in the bunker now, and having to realize a lot of things that have changed for the both of his sons.

For example, his oldest, the last he’d ever think would fall in love, has got a pretty girl that dismisses her practical father in law with pointed boredom. She’s protective—how can he blame her after all that he’d put Dean through?

She’s pretty, and John is only a man, and can’t stop himself from just...looking. It starts with a convenient bend as she unloads the dishwasher...then he..can’t help that the door was open and she happened to be changing right there. He also can’t help it the next time when he’s just a little too obvious, pleasuring himself to the smell of her pretty lace panties.

—

9) Operator, Operator - Steve Smut

warnings: smut, financial troubles?, mentions of creepiness against and danger to sex workers, exhibitionism via phone call

Underpaid and overworked, you along with your roommate/secret crush/ best friend Steve have trouble making ends meet on minimum wage + his art commissions. When you start picking up calls on a phone sex line, he’s able to reason. It’s quick cash, and Steve is mature enough to keep his thoughts appropriate...at first.

One day, he wakes to the sound of breathy moans and a faked orgasms. He wonders how you would sound if only you were high on real pleasure...and there’s no time like the present. Don’t hang up. This call has only just started.

“By the time this year—junior year—swung around, Steve realized he was only catching glimpses of you. He would hear the shake of your keys when you tossed them on the counter, your backpack when it thudded to the floor, and most recently—your moans.

You must not know he’s home. Ever since you started online sex work, specifically being a phone sex operator, you seemed to also make the silent choice that more graphic calls would be saved for when he’s not around.

He gets it. You both split the rent, and Steve has done jobs he’d rather not mention in desperate times, when commissions came short. Still, sometimes you can’t tell when he’s here, and despite his best efforts to push down his arousal, to tell himself you’re his best friend...he’s an artist, and he can’t help but listen, and certainly not the wandering of his imagination.”

—

10) Professor Steve Medfet - (Untitled)

In an alternate timeline, a washed up Steve Rogers starts a new life in a run down city as an art / anatomy teacher. A class of hungry college students is filled to the brim each year, expecting the unspoken promise of their favorite hands on lab. You.

You keep his class sated, in turn giving the professor job security for funding his simple life out of the public eye. Each year when he calls, you come. Each year the students find a new way to tear you embarrass and degrade, much to the pleasure of the professor.

“Same speech. Same meaningless words. Focusing on the stillness of your skin and how it feels to be alone, you can almost drown out the way his tone edges toward excitement, the way the chairs shift and squeak—the anticipation.

Pretending your heart doesn’t send heat and cold flashes through you and run your breathing shallow, you look at the nicks in the door and try to guess their stories.

But then the metal frame clicks, the door unlatches. Professor Rogers wears a gentle smirk. It doesn’t ease your mind one bit.”

—

11) Swelter - Forest God Thor

warnings: sexual scenes, time limited conflict, religious themes

With a sickness overtaking nearby villages, yours is next, and has decided to sacrifice you to the cause of foraging for preventative herbs. You venture into the ancient woods after a rare vine of flowers, but leave with much more after encountering Thor.

After disturbing him where he lies cooling in the bank of a stream, you vow to prove the true intention of your soul—that you aren’t a hunter, or witch after his form or faculty, but a pious girl, also needing to escape the heat.

“You’re in the old woods now, and aside from the trees and the mossy nature tangled around them, there is only Him. Thor.

God of the harvest, bringer of land’s wealth, fertility, and vitality. You know of the sacrifices, of the woods where He is rumored to live in an unseen form, of livid white fire in the sky if He is severely displeased.

His name must not be spoken outside of prayer or ritual, and even now, you stutter to think it, and wonder if you are alone in your thoughts.”

[...]

“The frustration and the fear in your dilemma disturb the air, disquieting the otherwise enduring peace of the old woods, which rouses a large form in the cool muddy bank of the stream. It is only leaves shifting at first. Faded pumpkin and dried oak scatter—and suddenly the air smells like rain and your mouth sets around the tastes of copper and sage. Then, the leaves tumble off of a beast of a mass that rises slowly, and you note that it felt like the atmosphere changed to accommodate its awakening.”

—

12) Halloween Party - Thor Smut (Untitled)

warnings: smut, heartbreak, depressed!reader

An exclusive and mysterious Halloween party is still on this year—and you’re invited. It’s meant to be so extravagant and flashy an Avenger will one day attend, and all attendees decorate themselves in costumes inspired by the heroes, hoping to be noticed.

Fresh after a breakup with your boyfriend Brock, you take one half of the preordered couples costume and dress up as a goddess, determined to have a good night with your friends, find some excitement, and most importantly, a new god to match.

“Standing solemn, floor to ceiling windows allow in a few milky rays reflected by the moon, but they’re all the gems of your bodice need to gleam to a suitor's eye. Tonight, while you plan to rid your soul of another, you are welcomed with open arms and careful consideration as the final offering at an altar. You are seen by a god.”

—

13) Grief

warnings: dead!reader, guilt, grief, scary science, how do i say this... smut that is borderline necroph—there’s a replica of you, dark!steve, tony lives, pepper dies

Steve’s world is upside down. He’s lost the light of his life, and is completely in the dark. Luckily for him, Tony is back in the business of reality rejecting technology, and has found a way for him to be with you again.

At an abandoned cottage, Steve brings an armful of your scents to give the Tony’s invention sensory data, and faces the strange reality of what’s always been his worst stage...his worst trait. Denial.

“Dozens of test bottles full of manufactured scents, the kind of thing you smell borrowing a sweater, or with your face in the crook of someone’s neck. Essentially, the sort of organic thing that cannot be recaptured.

Steve’s got an armful of perfume and body wash. Of conditioner and deodorant, of all the elements he can think that make you smell the way you would—the way you do.

He wills the thoughts to be present tense. If he pretends you are alive, maybe it will look like it is you only sleeping. He wonders how well Tony knows the texture of your hair suddenly, because if it isn’t right, the experience will fall to shambles. It currently walks a plank over shambles. One wrong interpretation or surprise, and Steve will find himself spinning and burning with the fall into a new and uncharted taboo.”

14) Night Drive - Dean Smut

warnings: road head

On a long overnight drive, your back pressed into the seat of the impala makes you miss lying in bed with your lover, makes you miss his gentle caress right next to you...so you remind him how good it is to be close.

“You think about it when he hums a little tune. When he hums the song he wishes would play and thinks will come up next, it is eerily soft, and eerily similar to the soft contentment he sighs when you kiss on his neck.

When he reaches for your hand to hold, it makes you consider the shortness of the distance between you, and you think of pulling his cock out right here, giving him head that melts him here on this endless road.

Looking at him, he senses your interest—he turns his head to meet your eyes, throws up a grin of boyish charm. He’s happy to be here with you. These night drives are fine. He’s never minded them. But they’re even lovelier when in your company.”

—

15) Shadow - The Bucky Mystery

warnings: stalking, injury, sexual assault, canon typical hydra torture, mentions of bucky being forced to assault people, traumatized reader

On the run from Hydra, there aren’t many things that Bucky can remember. Inside his mind, there aren’t many feelings that make sense. Mostly, he feels guilt. Horror.

Following you to the gym where you practice ballet alone in the nights is all that makes sense, and for reasons he can’t explain, he feels drawn to you.

As time goes on, Bucky feels more enticed by his desire, you start to feel eyes staring from the walls, motivations and traumas are revealed, and in a horrible symphony, you both remember your connection.

“He’s a matte shadow against the noir shine of metal walls—an observer in the unlit quiet on his side of the room.

And he feels his unimportance. It’s humbling. Holds up the room like chunky beams and high rafters, dressed in the same layered neutrals. Framing the same cotton candy dancer, silent as the pad of her slippers when she turns her weight onto a straight leg, other coming up with her ankle pointed to the bend of her knee.

She spins, she spins and she whips her head around with each one, but it’s Bucky who gets dizzy.”

send an ask with any questions, or for more details about a particular story!

[koalateamusings-archived]

hehe.. Eris + Teabag and/or Luna + Josh for the ask meme :^)

i’ll do luna/joshua bc i got questions for eris/teabag already >:) plus i don’t talk about them enough which is a crime

1. How did they first meet?

in my canon i had them meet before he became the malpais legate and she had just quit the ncr so she was out traveling before going home because she didn’t want to go home to tell her dad and they just ran into each other on the road. luna had been sitting in the middle of the road and josh just walked up to her like, “do you need help?” and then she rambled about leaving the ncr and started crying.

2. What did they think of each other at first? What was their first impression of the other?

he thought she was too hard on herself for quitting the ncr but also that she was too good of a soul to be out in the mojave wastelands and hoped that the wastelands wouldn’t be cruel to her. luna thought he was an odd character out of all the people she’s met and that he looked lost to her, like he didn’t know what he wanted out of life.

3. Were they immediately interested / attracted, or did that come later?

they were both mutually attracted to each other but joshua didn’t want to admit it and kept denying it. luna immediately fell for his eyes.

4. Why did they fall for each other?

joshua fell for her because of how kind she was, he felt at peace whenever he was around her. she brought out a protective side he didn’t know he had. luna honestly just fell in love with him because he listens to her, no matter what comes out of her mouth. she could tell him she saw a gecko and he’d ask her questions and give her all of his attention as opposed to mostly everyone waving her off or telling her to shut up.

5. Who flirted more before they started their relationship and how?

LUNA GHFJLFLFL she has no shame and outright flirts with joshua to the point where he’ll get flustered and she’ll smile and walk away.

6. Who made the first move/confessed first?

luna did!! and she did twice when they reunite in zion and she pretty much falls for him again even with her memory loss!!

7. When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

the day after he became the malpais legate, although he didn’t exactly tell her, only that he got a promotion............. but he also knew he wouldn’t take her back to the fort and that he wouldn’t be able to see her as freely as before so he kissed her and made it a very long kiss ;)

8.  Which one is more easily made jealous?

joshua................ he knows he shouldn’t be and that he’s not allowed to be, but whenever luna talks about any man that she’s spent time with... he’ll be like “...i see. interesting.” he really doesn’t like luna’s crush on dean domino.

9. What do they fight about? Who’s the first to apologize?

they don’t really fight, even when she convinced joshua not to kill salt-upon-wounds. he was upset, and it didn’t lead to a fight, but he did apologize anyway for his behavior.

10. Did they have a first date? Where did they go?

not really, they just have a certain spot at the campfire where they just sit and talk about their day or luna asks joshua about how she used to be when they were first together.

11. What do their friends and family think? Do they approve of the relationship?

boone and arcade aren’t fans about it. cass isn’t either but she told luna if he ever hurt her she’d kill him, so it’s a bit of a pass. veronica is cool with it. raul is 50-50 with it. follows-chalk and daniel like luna so they’re happy, but daniel is protective of luna, so he’s a bit wary towards joshua.

12. Do they like to cuddle/hold hands? Do they prefer to do it privately rather than in public?

josh is very private, which luna respects, though he does feel bad but she understands he has to have a reputation. they’ll keep it on dl... [jane austen clench hand gif here]

13. How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time (If they do)? Under what circumstances does it happen?

i mean technically they do wait a long time because they don’t sleep together when they were first together but once luna comes to zion and spends time with him, getting to know him all over again she kisses him and she’s like “i’m sorry i shouldn’t have....” while josh is having an internal struggle but then looks at luna’s exposed thighs and is like “lord forgive me i’m back on my bs....”

14. Who tops?

joshua, but it takes a while what with his condition.....

15. Do they get married? Who proposes & how?

yes!!! joshua proposes when luna comes back after having been gone for several months which during that time joshua realized how much he missed her and was preparing to go to the mojave, knowing that he’d probably be spotted by caesar’s men and possibly die... but she came and he just knew in that moment, that he would really die and kill for her... he proposed to her after they **** owo

16. Do they have children? How many? What are their names?

they have one... miss gideon... she’s called gigi at times.... she looks like luna, but has joshua’s eyes and is incredibly spoiled and because of that she’s extremely chaotic.

[crptkng]

I feel like I need to post about this because I have nothing better to do and because I would genuinely like to share my experience with BPD (borderline personality disorder) 

Now this will get pretty ugly and show the worst parts of me but please don’t think I’m an inherently toxic person for my behaviors that I could not control and that I have better control of as now. 

One of the first things you’ll notice about BPD is a marked disturbance in interpersonal relationships I’ve always had a very hard time keeping friends. I would have a certain friend for about a year and then we’d drift apart for no reason. Nothing totally horrible has happened in most of my past relationships, we’ve just either drifted apart or lost contact. However, that’s not to say I haven’t had a few not so healthy relationships. With BPD comes this fun little side effect of you possibly developing an unhealthy attachment to a certain person or people. This has happened to me on multiple occasions, 3 to be exact. This coins the term FP or favorite person.

The earliest I can ever recall and that I recognize now as being such was a good friend of mine that I met back in 2010/2011. My relationship with them wasn’t directly stormy in the beginning. I would see them at least once a week and all, but whenever I heard them mention another friend of theirs or that they would be hanging out with someone that wasn’t me I would get very angry and passive aggressively take it out on them. At first it was just that but it did start to go downhill when we hit high school and we started seeing less of each other. I would still be passive aggressive about the people they hung out with and all but the cake was taken when they got a boyfriend. I didn’t like him for one reason or another, still not entirely sure why but I but I went as far as accusing him of possibly making my friend “do something they didn’t want to” and kept nagging them about it. They ultimately broke up and we slowly lost most communication. I was sent spiraling into hysteria about losing my “only friend”. My whole school day was compromised to the point I called them into the school counselors office to force them to talk to me. After this we talked it out and were friends again. 

Around this time they introduced me to this guy who was and, to this day, still is one of my absolute best friends. The three of us were all really good friends and even had a group chat on skype together. After a few months of being friends I started having feelings for him but he had feelings for the friend that introduced us. I took this pretty hard and started accusing them of going behind my back outside of group chats and talking about me and just in general having more fun without me.This is the part where it all blew up and I decided I would rather isolate myself from this guy so I deleted him from skype and my phone contacts. Stayed friends with the first FP for a while before that eventually fizzled out. About a year later the dude my ex FP introduced me to popped into my head and I readded him on Skype. Come to find the two of them dated over the summer but broke up and he’d already gotten a new boyfriend. Everything was fine and we almost immediately got back into our old routine of watching stupid videos and shows as well as listening to music, sometimes inviting his boyfriend to join us. the three of us were friends for about 2 years before his ex developed feelings for another friend of theirs. My friend unfortunately had to hear it from a third party and not directly from his ex himself. This sent me into a rage and I verbally attacked his ex a few times, going so far as to harass him for a year before we made amends this fall and we’re even friends now!!

After they broke up with my friend and I had verbally ripped his ex a new one, about 3 months later my friend/FP and I confessed our crushes for each other and started dating in the spring of 2017. Summer 2017 came and he and I got to meet up for the first time in our almost 5 years of knowing each other. Our romantic relationship was not at all healthy in the slightest. I would need constant assurances of his feelings for me and if there was the slightest change in tone i’d immediately shift into a sour mood. Along with this I had the repeat actions of getting passive aggressively angry when he’d mention anyone else but me or make plans with someone else. Summer comes and goes and we’re still together even though i’m out of line, we even make plans for me to fly fully paid for by his mother to come see him over the Christmas break. this is where things got worse. I was constantly clingy and wouldn’t leave him to do his own thing, and would get jealous and passive aggressive whenever he’d hop on voice chat to play games. I would have major anxiety whenever I wasn’t near him and so on. Eventually while I was there we broke up. Him needing to focus on schooling and not being able to keep me happy and under control. Although we broke up I stayed the duration of my trip and we remained good friends.In fact, I’m trying my best with my holiday job to earn enough to buy him a ticket up to Seattle to see him again <3

My unhealthy relationships don’t stop there but are more brief than the one beforehand 

After my FP and I broke up I started talking regularly to this guy I used to talk to on skype before the great migration to discord.  

He and I talked from around January to June 2018. We’d go back and forth teasing each other and had an amazing friendship overall. Around the February is when I developed a crush on the guy which was... Not too great. Not only was he my crush but he was another FP. I would fixate on him when I thought I made him upset and would have major anxiety about it until proven otherwise, as is usually the case with most people for me.

Cut to March which just happens to be my birth month and I plan a desert date with a couple of my friends, him included. We all go to the mall near by and have a good time. This would be the first, and last time I got to meet him in person as he lived over an hour away by bus. We part ways with a hasty hug because I had to catch my bus back home. After this we plan on meeting up again but it turns out that he’s being kicked out by his mother that recently remarried and has to move to California. He ends up moving but we still stay connected on Discord and are still friends. April is when we start flirting with each other and we eventually send nudes back and forth to which I get a less than pleased response about my body.

At first I brushed it off bc you know I was enchanted by him. But then he proceeds to ghost me twice after this, once because of the nude and twice bc I told him I liked him.

During this he also blocked me on Discord for a few days as a joke because I insulted a titty anime he liked but came back and told me excitedly he was moving back to Washington but because he didn’t feel like he could tell me he didn’t want to have sex like we talked about he ghosts me. I eventually have an encounter where I was sexually assaulted and he said nothing about it and ignored my distress, eventually blocking me for good because I started going off on him like I did with my friends ex.

The next FP has a short history as he’s my current FP.

This guy is still kinda my friend but we don’t hang out in person anymore and he hardly responds to my texts or calls. But!!

I noticed this one when I realized I was doing the same thing I do with all my FPs which is get jealous of the people he talks about. One person in particular, too.

I reconnected with him during the summer 2018, about a month after the incident with the last guy mentioned, we quickly started hanging out again and even had a couple make out sessions. I didn’t notice right away that I was reacting the way I was until one day I noticed myself using manipulative language because he declined my invitation to go get food. This happened a couple of times, most significant of which was when he texted me the morning after he went out and partied. I jokingly asked him “ without me?” “Yee”. I was able to restrain and reroute what I was saying to make it seem less manipulative. Going back to me being upset when he mentions someone else. He has a crush on this girl who’s a mutual friend of ours and one night he invited me over to hang but we ended up going to the mall she worked at so he could try and convince her to join us. She said no, and we left. But he proceeded to talk about her for a good half hour after. He also knew I had a crush on him at the time so that double set me off. Halloween rolls up. He and another best friend of mine come over for drinks and to just chill in general. He asks me who all is coming and asks abt her. I don’t invite her because she’s leaving for a trip the next morning. Previous to this I met up with her and her now boyfriend and she tells me they got back together. She hadn’t told my FP and was never going to in the first place. He mentioned her again and I consider telling him then and there but decided not to at the moment. After Halloween is when he starts ghosting me and I get angry bc he’s not giving me attention so that’s when I tell him. Not out of the kindness of my heart but out of spite for being ignored. He and I don’t talk as much but I assume we’re on ok terms!

These are my most relevant people attachment stories. But I’m far from over with this post which is already a LOT.

Another fun part of BPD that I experience is the lack of identity.

I can easily attach myself to fictional characters and identify with them so strongly that I feel like I become them. This has happened most significantly with Dean Winchester from Supernatural and Charlie Kelly from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

With Dean it was probably the strongest. I started listening to the music he did and wearing leather and becoming aloof like he was. Just overall taking small traits and becoming like him.

Charlie was more of a comfort character who I also took small traits from and started dressing like him.

As well as taking on their traits I considered career paths similar to theirs. Bartender and janitor for Charlie and a cop for Dean.

It doesn’t stop at fictional characters either. I notice I take on bits of the people I’m with and mold myself into who they are. I laugh like them and want to do the same things that they do even if I’m bad at it. Another HUGE symptom of BPD and one of the most common criteria for it is uncontrollable bouts of anger  First and most recent example I have being when my last ex broke up with me. I spent two days in a rage threatening to do harm to him and, as he is an addict, told one of his friends that he could “Die in a ditch with a needle in his arm”. Every time I thought of him my body would go cold and I would shake with rage. Second example I can think of that I’ve had to do on many occasions is my plans and needs being shoved behind by my mother and me getting so enraged I had to go chop a dead tree in our back yard. Third and final example I have of some of my rages comes back to the person who ghosted me because I was fat.After he did that and found out he was lying to me about everything I sat for a good half hour staring at the group call he was in on a mutual discord server and planned on going in and yelling at him while everyone was there. I ended up not doing it but that was another example of me shaking with rage and my body going cold.  Mood swings are prevalent in people with BPD The most notable examples i have are, with the most severe being the time I took a book and smashed it on my desk, cried and then started laughing at the Mishapocolypse  all in the span of about 15 to 20 minutes and several times when I felt extremely inadequate to everyone or when I misinterpreted the tone of my FP and sent myself spiraling into a depression.  Some people with BPD may also have hallucinations I’ve had one that’s the most notable, being the time I hallucinated the smell of doritos when there were none near me at the time because I was outside away from home, Another when I was sitting in my therapists office. she noticed me looking away from her towards the floor at what I saw as a blue dot that looked like a very small light from a charging cord on a laptop battery pack. And last, but most recent is when I was outside on a walk and seeing several blue dots blinking in the bushes where no other lights would be.   Another marked trait of BPD is Impulsivity    I’ve dealt with impulsivity in a couple different area. Notably though are the several unsafe sexual encounters I've had with multiple partners, turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with stress or sadness and my spending money when I have very little. People with BPD can suffer from intrusive thoughts These are NOT fun or cute like tumblr likes to make them out to be. Here’s a list of mine that go from not so bad to holy shit go get help. 

Fp not talking to you this exact moment?: Pull your hair out 

Chugg the whole bottle of asprin

Punch that dog

Bite the cat

Feeling angry and wanna take it out on something?: Grab one of the hamsters and SQUISH!!!

I wanna peel the skin off a frog

Step on your grandpa’s ventilator tube

Take that baby by the legs and swing it’s head into the wall

These are just some of the symptoms I suffer from and my personal experiences with BPD and as I say in the tags, people experience these symptoms differently. If you can relate to these symptoms and are not diagnosed, I suggest taking it to a professional who can help you further research and help you recover.

[wannawrite]

The Royals - PJH

who?: Wanna One’s Park Jihoon genre: 🌸🌺 type: bullet point TW: absent father, blood, physical violence, knives part one / two [ bc it got super long ] two 

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The Royals 

KD | • mafia! AU • you never knew such dark secrets lurked in your neighbourhood I love mafia AU okay, no lie. Thank you for requesting this anon! First mood board and probably the last since I’m really bad at those but I wanted to try somthing new for once.  - Admin L 

• welcome to The Royals, let me introduce them to you • an organised crime group, mainly running the streets of Seoul but they dabble in Busan and other international activities • The Royals believe each and every one of them deserves to be noble, to be upperclassmen, to be one • code name: 101 • that’s also the name of the ‘company’ they run by day • a bodyguard for hire type of company, but I guess they’re good at it because Miss Thailand, Lalisa Manoban and Miss Korea, Jennie Kim endorse them for many occasions • this entire thing was set up by a team headed by BoA, but they have now gone undercover • The Royals are headed by Kang Daniel and Jeon Somi, elite chosen ones, the first faces of the clan • they have their right-hand man/woman, Park Jihoon and Kim Sejeong • little is known about The Royals and you never want to mess with them • they’ll have your blood for sure • most of them are regular high school students, only changing faces when the time comes • Park Jihoon attended the same school as you • no one would have ever suspected him man • so innocent • so cute • full of charms • ‘nae maeum soge, jeojang!’ • a hard-working student, on the dean’s list and even the captain of the boxing team • ah boxing team • everyone loves Park Jihoon to death • who wouldn’t? he’s super sweet, will help you with your homework • but the thing is, Jihoon never really hangs out with anyone in school • in class, he keeps to himself most of the time, only speaks when he has to or when a classmate has a question • basically, he doesn’t initiate conversation but doesn’t mind talking a bit about his lavish weekend in his Jeju Island holiday home • you’ve only ever seen Jihoon eat lunch with a Taiwanese transfer student, Lai Guanlin and Kim Sejeong - both who don’t talk much to anyone either • that’s the Park Jihoon you see by day • but by night...or whenever needed... • he is The Royals best fighter • ‘iM 19 yOu fiTE mE’ • Jihoon grew up in a rather shady neighbourhood, there were many organised crime societies so he had to learn how to defend himself • especially when he walked home late because his parents were out working • it was actually then when his neighbour’s aunt, BoA, scouted him and asked him to visit her boxing training academy • the training fees were dealt with by her because she saw potential, and also because she needed to form the nation’s organised crime society • Jihoon used to train in MMA before making the switch to boxing after knowing that a school that he was supposed to enrol in had a boxing club • ‘it’s the perfect disguise, no one will ever guess’ • he only got better when his parents pulled together enough money and moved to accommodate his dad’s new job • they moved closer to his gym and naturally, he spent more time there training • that was when he met Kang Daniel and the rest is history • Jihoon plays an important role in training new applicants and making sure the ‘army’ is well looked after • which includes scheduling training, forming new teams for smaller missions and sending bodyguards for other teams like hackers • he’s also in charge of them all • so he has to ensure their welfare and make sure everyone receives proper medical attention • Jihoon also spends a lot of his time assisting Daniel and going on missions with him • he never really stays long at the HQ building for long but he does have his own private suite • as you can see, BoA sends her children a lot of money to keep the operations running • no one really knows how the hell she got so rich but you don’t question BoA • and they do fork in quite a bit from their day jobs • to summarise, Jihoon is the second in command, is the main fighter and in charge of combat, and his cover is a college student working as a concert security guard • he occasionally appears in that ' omg *the band name*’s security is so hot’ posts but Jinyoung has to hack into their account to take it down • no one can know about the 101 members • anyway, back to the plot • unlike you, your grandparents still live in the dingy, old apartment located in the shadier side of town • they own a small grocery store there and it pretty much supplies the entire estate • even after your mother built up an empire and bought them a house in the suburbs, they refuse to move and only stay there if they have to take care of your younger half-sister or your baby cousins • your mother is the CEO of a really huge law firm so you’ve always been quite well off • excluding the times when you stayed with your grandparents in their flat when you were young because your mother was struggling to make ends meet • she was a single mother • and starting her own business • shout out to all the amazing single parents who are able to provide well for your family!! • it was a tough time really • you don’t remember but your grandparents often tell you that you used to have a crush on the little boy a few doors down • lol young love • how cute • but you don’t recall at all so uh rip • he was around your age but seemed much more independent than you • he was allowed to wander the streets by himself until late at night • eventually, you moved into the mansion you currently stay in • first heartbreak :”) • it didn’t matter much since you only admired him from afar and you never got his name...at least that’s all you recall • true love never dies :( • they teased you non-stop about it at every family reunion • and then refused to tell you his name, claiming they forgot • hah • what a joke • so it’s one of those days you’re on break and not spending time in your own house or out with your friends • instead, you’re sitting in your grandparents living room and calculating some business related stuff • updating product distributors and suppliers • thinking of renovations for the store, new designs for Christmas • gathering feedback about the store and noting down maintenance work that needs to be done • at the end, you try to convince your grandparents to move to the nice terrace they own • you want your family to be closer to you, closer to the city and not in a place with only one clinic, school, two supermarkets and a small mall • you’re also well aware of the number of underground gangs there are in this area and it isn’t advisable for elderly to engage in physical combat • grandfather does own a gun though, licensed with papers and all of course • ‘sell the flat, you don’t need it anymore. come stay with us in the city. you’ll be closer to mum and I as well.’ • grandfather shakes his head. ‘I know you want what’s best for us but we have enough here. Your grandmother and I bought this place when we were struggling newlyweds, we can’t ever leave it.’ • it doesn’t sound like the only reason • but for now, it’s enough to keep your mouth shut • ‘if we move, what will happen to the store? we won’t stay near enough and it’s a pain to keep traveling,’ grandmother points out • you offer alternatives like you will run it, or the family chauffeur, maybe selling the place • they exchange looks before disagreeing • end of discussion • the Lexus comes to fetch you at the end of the day • this occurs a lot, since the house does get lonely by yourself • each time, you’re unsuccessful in convincing your grandparents to move • ‘why? what’s the actual reason?’ you demand from grandma since grandpa doesn’t expose himself • she shrugs. ‘Too many people depend on our store for jobs, food...’ • ‘but if you sell it, the company will still allow them to work.’ • she turns to you, wrinkles framing her face, eyes full of love • ‘i don’t expect you to understand since you’ve never worked there...how about working there until the end of break?’ • when you were young, you anticipated growing up so you could work, boosting your family’s financial income but now that your mother rakes in millions, working was kind of the last thing on your mind • you did a few cafe stints but that was the most experience you had • when your mother was consulted, she was ecstatic and arranged plans with her parents immediately • you started by paying a visit to the store more regularly • and found out that the entire neighbourhood patronised the store • like if it closed, no one would have food • or jobs • or food bc food is very important • it shocked to see Sejeong working as a cashier • she was rather friendly to customers but still held a grave expression and rarely conversed with her coworkers • strange • it never occurred to you that she lived nearby   • you had never seen her around before, other than at school • grandmother assigned you to be the store room packer, taking stock and whatnot • Sejeong kept out of your way, but that only elicited curiosity • during break time, she spent it far away from the rest of the workers, whispering on the phone with a smile on her face • ‘grandma, do you know much about Sejeong?’ • ‘oh, why?’ • the protective tone and defensiveness underlying sent ripples of panic through you • ‘ah nothing, we attended the same AP Literature class....’ • ‘...she’s been working here for quite awhile now but I think she’s moved out to the main city. I have no clue why she sticks it out here.’ grandmother said before shrugging and wandering off to her room • you were bone tired by the time the familiar Lexus came to a stop outside your grandparent’s apartment block • just as you slid into the back seat and greeted your chauffeur, your eyes caught on to something • rather, someone • or someones, if a word like that existed • Sejeong was walking in the direction of the nearest bus stop, due to the lack of street lamps, she carried a small torch in her hands to illuminate her path • but beside her, a tall, muscular and brown haired man walked • from what your eyes could pick up, he had candid large hazelnut brown eyes, it seemed like his delicate features were tainted with traces of blood and cuts • the car drove off into the distance before you could get a closer look, melting the two figures into mere fragments of your imagination • that was pushed out of your mind as you continued to work hard • grinding 💪🏼 • now, you had a more in-depth understanding of your mother’s hardship • she still worked a couple of odd jobs when her law firm was in it’s rookie days, just so she could afford extra things like tuition or new story books for you :”) • sigh • under the noonday sun, your eyes lidded as you painstakingly gather stray shopping carts and push them back to their dock • suddenly, a gasp leaves your lips when you feel a cold sharpness press against your back • knife • rough hands seize your arms and a hoarse voice growls into your ear • ‘where is it? where is the stash?’ • excuse me but 1800-don’t-touch-me • ‘i don’t know what you’re talking about.’ you reply in a steady voice, regulating your breathing despite the tears welling up and threatening to break free of your lower lids • your lips start quivering uncontrollably, your mind scattered • the blade presses into your side, but not enough to draw blood • it’s on the edge of it though • ‘don’t lie! we know you’re with the 101, The Royals. your family is close to them.’ • what the hell • my mother owns a law firm and you’re telling me my family is involved with the biggest organised crime association • uhhhhh....logic? • i think not • ‘I’m not lying.’ • using your legs, you aim a good kick at him and wrench free • the knife barely misses slicking your skin and you feel a sickening feel sink into your stomach • the dude’s hands curl around your shoulder, yanking you back • then suddenly, he lets out a shout as he stumbles backwards, taken by surprise by whoever came to help you • oh my god, it’s Sejeong • she wastes no time attacking him and disarming him, tossing the knife to one side - which you race after for evidence • but the telltale ‘M’ tattoo on his bicep is all you need to know to tell that he works with Mnet - The Royals biggest threat • Mnet sweetie I am so sorry • maybe I am • an unnerving crack sounds through the atmosphere before he’s laying on the ground, knocked out cold, chest rising shallowly   • ‘I’ll call my friends to deal with him. Y/N, head inside now, it isn’t safe here.’ Sejeong instructs, wiping a drop of blood from her mouth with her sleeve • you don’t bother to argue, jelly-legged, you stumble back into the store, only to find that staff are clearing customers out as fast as they can and barring all entrances • lights are slowly being turned off and some staff are clocking out way before work hours end • something definitely isn’t right • nausea bubbles in you but you can’t let any throbbing stop you from finding your grandparents • just then, someone grabs your wrist and leads you away • ‘Y/N right? Come with me.’ • your eyes go cartoonish wide when you recognise him to be the man you spotted walking home with Sejeong • her boyfriend? • his hair is cut in a boyish way that allows his fringe to sweep over his forehead but that isn’t enough to throw you off • the sleeve of his black button down rides up, exposing his small inked crown - the mark of a Royal • what is breathing? • I’ve been tossed around between two rival mafias today this is enough • what do they even want with me? • the mysterious Royal leads you to the basement, you don’t resist even though alarm bells go off in your head • he slides away what was thought to be a massive freezer door to reveal a hidden door, bolted shut • the perfect disguise • ‘Grandmother, this is Park Jihoon. I have your grandchild with me.’ •grandmother? • WHAT IS HAPPENING • the door creaks open and this Park Jihoon gently pushes you in • your grandparents embrace you the second you step into the room, tears are almost spilled • you blink, eyes adjusting to the dimness of the secret room. they widen significantly when you manage to pinpoint another two The Royals/101 members • they both have crown tattoos on their collarbones • Sejeong enters the room a few seconds later, her hair now tied up and her injuries magically gone • ‘will someone tell me what is happening?’ you burst out, unable to handle the tension anymore. • ‘a member of Mnet just held a knife to my back, and Sejeong saved me. now, I’m in a room with four The Royals members! My grandparents don’t seemed freaked out which makes matters even more confusing!’ • ‘we can’t be alarmed,’ grandfather begins. ‘these are the children we raised, the ones we treated as our own grandchildren.’ • yoU’RE TWO SECONDS FROM TEARING YOUR HAIR OUT • your knees buckle but a pair of strong arms catch your delicate from and sets you on a chair • Jihoon • he rubs your back comfortingly, whispering reassuring words to calm you down • ‘....it all began with Jihoon,’ Grandmother explains. ‘he was our neighbours only son but they were so busy with work he was often neglected.’ • ‘so in secret, whenever he had time to roam the streets by himself, we would invite him over for meals, a proper lunch, a proper shower, toys to play with.’ • ‘he was your boy a few doors down, Y/N. I don’t think you remember but you two played together for a couple of occasions’ • you bite back tears, shutting your eyes • ‘then we discovered Sejeong, like Jihoon, she wandered the roads by herself, rarely returning home as her parents were out working various odd jobs. we took her in like Jihoon. she slept over at our apartment for days.’ • ‘Yoojung and Daehwi came later, by that time, you had already moved out to your mother’s place.’ • ‘is that why you’re so attached to this place?’ you choke out • grandmother sighs, she too is struggling to keep the tears at bay • ‘it’s hard to leave four helpless children by themselves. even after they grew up, we can’t bear to leave them, especially when Daehwi confessed that he was with The Royals,’ • you suck in a breath sharply, unable to believe whatever you were hearing • it’s clear your grandparents are with The Royals and now, you feel like you don’t have a choice but to side with them • you were on their side since day one anyway...

[lareinesophie]

QfG summary: fuckboys taking over the Woods 2k17. Like, Aric’s fuckboy friends fucked the Woods over, killed a bunch of people, and then fucking usurped the throne of Camelot!!! HOW is this okay!?

Good point about the Foxwood School for Boys being a fancy boarding school for rich brats!!! Hmm, but I don’t think Lady Lesso was the one who sent Aric there, bc such an act on her part is inconsistent with descriptions of her behaviour in the first trilogy, on specifically 2 counts:

1) The Foxwood School for Boys is an academy for Everboys, and, according to Merlin,

“Arbed House is where parents in Foxwood send children they want to hide from the School Master. Children they believe are Evil, despite growing up in Good families. And not just Evil. So Evil they’re a threat to the Woods. So Evil they’re too dangerous to be trained as villains. For a large fee, Dean Brunhilde magically conceals them from the School Master so he never comes to know of their existence. While every other child in the Woods has a file at the School for Good and Evil, these children’s files as prospective students simply disappear. Brunhilde never tells the Arbed students this, of course; she does her best to turn their souls Good. Meanwhile, the students never learn they were meant for great Evil all along.”

– Quests for Glory, Chapter 28: “AGATHA: The Princess and the King”

Now, there was no way Lady Lesso would have sent Aric to Arbed House for the purpose of preventing him from becoming an illustrious supervillain destined for great Evil. If anything, she probably had been grooming him (yikes bad expression) from birth to become the greatest villain ever in the history of the School for Evil, so advanced that he’d been in a class of his own when the Schoolmaster picked him for the School for Evil. Recall that Aric had used Lady Lesso’s mouth-zipping spell on Chaddick in the School for Boys, “One of Lesso’s best hexes,” Sophie told Agatha in QfG, adding that she had “been reading [Lesso’s] old spellbooks during [her] nightly baths.” Lesso training her child in villainy would explain how Aric was able to perform magic even though he wasn’t a student and presumably never had his finger-glow unlocked, and how he was familiar enough with her spells to crack the magic shield she had cast around the Schools in AWWP. Also, he was able to quote from memory Lady Lesso’s first lesson for Nevers on how to “Find your Nemesis”, and lived his life in accordance with her teachings that slaying one’s Nemesis is the highest cause a Never can aspire to.

Remember, In the first SfGaE book, Lady Lesso was in every way the high priestess of the Evil cause and was utterly obsessed with winning an Evil victory, considering it her “life’s work”; Hester remarked that Lesso would do anything “if she thinks it’ll help Evil win”, and in her classes with Nevers, she expresses so delirious a desire for Evil to win that it borders on mania:

Lady Lesso dragged her long red nails across Hort’s desk. “Only when your Nemesis is dead will you feel quenched. Only when your Nemesis is dead will you feel free. Kill your Nemesis and Nevermore will welcome you to eternal glory!”

She was even willing to let students be tortured in the Doom Room – forcing them to suffer cruel and unusual punishments, the severity of which was disproportionate to that of their offences, which were often trivial, or, as in Sophie’s case, meted out on the basis of trumped-up & blatantly false charges– if she thought it would commit their souls to Evil. In fact it is implied throughout Book 1 that she positively delights in her power to send students to the Doom Room, even as she claims “This is not a school for unwarranted cruelty. Hurt without reason and you are a beast, not a villain.”

“Itttt’s colllddd,” Hort chattered.

“It’s warmer in the Doom Room,” Lady Lesso replied.

Howls of pain echoed from the dungeon beneath their feet.

“I-I-I feeeel warm-m-er noww,” Hort stuttered, face blue.

[…]

A scream echoed from the Doom Room and Lady Lesso smiled.

– The School for Good and Evil, Chapter 7. “Grand High Witch Ultimate”

Indeed, the only thing chillier than Lady Lesso’s frozen classroom was the looks she gave the four girls as they slipped through the door to their seats.“I would send you for punishment, but they’re occupied with students from my last class.”Boys’ screams echoed from beneath their feet. The whole class trembled at the thought of what was happening in the Doom Room.

– The School for Good and Evil, Chapter 12.”Dead Ends”

And she was genuinely upset when she had to shut down the Doom Room because Beast was killed by Sophie and she couldn’t find its replacement

At the start of Curses, Lady Lesso swept into the ice chamber, jaw tighter than usual.

“Impossible to find good torturers these days,” she muttered.

“What is she talking about?” Sophie whispered to Dot.

“Beast went missing!” Dot whispered back.

Behind her, Sophie looked nauseous.

Testing the class on Nemesis Dreams, Lady Lesso seethed and sniped at every wrong answer.

– The School for Good and Evil, Chapter 13.”Doom Room” 

So it cannot be denied that Lady Lesso has a sadistic streak, as evidenced by her delight in verbally abusing her students–she even called hardworking Hester an “imbecile”–and in having them physically tortured; and this personality defect explains why she’s naturally gifted at Evil and convinced of that she was inherently and rightfully Evil even as she was “afraid of being alone” and had “tried to hold on to love…with [her] own child” for six whole years after she was to have officially disowned him.

(This sadistic streak is even more pronounced in Aric, and it is on account of his having acquired it from Lady Lesso, either through inheritance or upbringing, that no Evil teacher, especially not Lady Lesso, dared to confront him over torturing students, because the practice had already been condoned as official school policy by Lady Lesso herself during her stint as Dean. But I digress.)

Up to and until the School Master was unmasked as being Evil all along toward the end of the first book, Lady Lesso was willing to sacrifice all scruples to procure an Evil victory, such as condoning Sophie’s sabotage missions against the School for Good, and encouraging Sophie in her first throes of Symptoms to fetch her Henchman and unleash hell on the Evers as a full-fledged, deadly fairytale witch, while Hester and Anadil naively thought that she would “cure” Sophie. I think this obsession with winning at any cause is not entirely due to narcissism, but also motivated in part by a personal vendetta against the School Master for separating her from her son and crushing her dreams of nurturing her own supervillain baby. Keep in mind that Lady Lesso, like the rest of the Nevers, had thought that the School Master was on the side of Good, and, like the Nevers, suspected him of helping the Evers win and resented him for cheating; but, in Lady Lesso’s case, her resentment had an additional personal quality to it that was already evident in her denunciation of him in her first appearance in the first book:

“He’s tampering with the tales, Clarissa,” the one in purple said.

“The School Master can’t control the Storian, Lady Lesso,” Clarissa returned.

“He’s on your side and you know it,” Lady Lesso seethed.

“He’s not on anyone’s side—” Clarissa stopped short. So did Lady Lesso.

Agatha saw what they were looking at. The last painting.

“I see you’ve welcomed another of Professor Sader’s delusions,” Lady Lesso said.

“It is his gallery,” Clarissa sighed.

Lady Lesso’s eyes flashed. Magically, the painting tore off the wall and landed behind a glass case, inches from Agatha’s head.

“This is why they’re not in your school’s gallery,” said Clarissa.

“Anyone who believes the Reader Prophecy is a fool,” hissed Lady Lesso. “Including the School Master.”

“A School Master must protect the balance,” Clarissa said gently. “He sees Readers as part of that balance. Even if you and I cannot understand.

“Balance!” scoffed Lady Lesso. “Then why hasn’t Evil won a tale since he took over? Why hasn’t Evil defeated Good in two hundred years?”

– The School for Good and Evil, Chapter 4.”The Three Witches of Room 666”

And soon, it becomes clear that Lady Lesso does indeed hold some personal grudge against the School Master, accusing him of being a saboteur:

“Makes perfect sense,” Professor Dovey said over them. “Some mysterious busybody, who no one has ever seen, flits through your tower, meddling with your ranks.”

“You describe the School Master quite well, Clarissa,” said Lady Lesso.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Lady Lesso. Why would the School Master interfere with a student’s ranks?”

“Because he’d love nothing better than to see Evil’s ‘best’ student win behind Good’s shield,” Lady Lesso hissed, violet eyes strobing. “A student who even I foolishly thought had hope. But if Sophie wins with that pathetic prince, I will not stand by, Clarissa. I will not allow the School Master, nor you and your arrogant beasts, to destroy my life’s work. Hear me now. Let Sophie compete in that Trial and you are risking more than just her life. You are risking war.”

– The School for Good and Evil, Chapter 19.”I have a Prince”

Lady Lesso was serious about Evil winning, so serious that she would start a war if she thought her chances of a Evil victory were being sabotaged by a Good School Master. There was no way she’d send Aric to Arbed House to be concealed from being chosen for the School for Evil because she believed her son was “So Evil [he’s] a threat to the Woods. So Evil [he’s] too dangerous to be trained as villains.”

2) Lady Lesso behaves too diffidently around Aric to have been the benefactress footing his boarding school bills! Even though she wears purple, Lady Lesso is no shrinking violet, and would totally box Aric’s ears/zip his mouth if she had felt he was being ungrateful toward her. And yet, despite having a reputation for being “the most terrifying teacher in school”, and even daring to openly insult criticise Rafal to his face, in addition to working against him behind his back & sending spy reports to Merlin & mobilising the entire school body in a conspiracy against him and the rest of the Evil faculty, Lady Lesso never once stood up to her son. I think the only plausible explanation for this discrepancy is that she feels she’s not entitled to criticise her son because it’s all her fault.

That is, in all likelihood, Lady Lesso did wholeheartedly decide to abandon Aric, in the sense of refusing to provide for him after she was sealed inside the school; leaving him to his own devices and letting him be trapped within that cave indefinitely. In other words, she knew Aric couldn’t survive in the Woods for long, what with there being “a curse on Evil in the Woods” and that he was a six-year-old stuck in a cave, and she just gave up on him and let him die offstage out of her sight.

And I think this interpretation, which holds Lady Lesso deeply culpable for Aric’s abandonment as well as responsible to an extent for the way he turned out, and in which she is painfully aware of and has a deep sense of guilt stemming from her choice, better explains her subsequent behaviour and relationship with Aric, especially why she’s so deferent toward him and surprisingly weak-willed whenever Aric-related Issues ™ crop up – because she believes she has no absolutely no right to discipline him; she realises she has failed him completely, and bc she has failed him she owes him a living, that his claim to her life is completely understandable, if not justified. She herself expresses this view in her first conversation with Sophie at the School for New Evil:

“School Master forbade him to kill me but he still tries,” she said grimly, pitching the mug out the window. “Yesterday, he put an asp in my toilet.” “Aric is your … your son?” Sophie gasped. “He’s a monster—a murderer—he killed Tristan!” “Nearly managed to kill me too in the brief chaos after the Trial, before the School Master took control,” the Dean said much softer now. “I don’t blame him, of course. When I accepted the position of Dean of Evil fifteen years ago, it was my duty to sever all attachments—children included. But instead, I hid Aric in a cave near school, stealing in to see him at night, year after year, pretending like he had a mother who would always love and protect him.” Her voice quavered and she fiddled with the plum basket. “The School Master found out and sealed me inside the gates. Never even had the chance to say goodbye to my son. Aric will never forgive me for it … leaving him there, six years old in the Woods, all alone. And he shouldn’t.” She looked at Sophie. “Like I said, you and I must both pay the price of our mistakes—and mine is having my own son vengefully plot my death, while he shares my power as Dean.”

The Last Ever After Chapter 11. “Appointment with the Deans”

On the other hand, if Lady Lesso had expended a fortune educating him at a fancy prep school, she would have given Lord Aric “you ungrateful man-brat, who do you think paid for your food&board and for the windows you broke during a frat party at school!?” Lesso a good spanking in the Doom Room at first opportunity once the School Master restored order after the Trial.

(I think this interpretation of Lesso’s abandonment of Aric is also truer to the spirit of the series, and goes a long way in explaining why she had to die in the end, and how it came to be that she had accepted the inevitability–and the justice– of her own death & thus picked Sophie as her successor before she was actually killed. It also resolves plenty of other issues, e.g. Lady Lesso’s behaviour around Evelyn Sader & throughout AWWP. The interpretation the fandom favours, in which Lesso is absolved of any responsibility and all blame is instead pinned on the Schoolmaster, simply fails at explaining the complexities inherent in Lady Lesso’s character, or at illuminating the deeper message of the series. But I’d better talk about that in a separate post/essay – and feel free to reply in a separate text post btw, this is monstrously long!)

So having established that Lady Lesso, in all likelihood, did not send Aric to the Foxwood School for Boys, the question to ask is: who in the Woods did? Who rescued Aric from the cave he was trapped in? Was Aric reunited with his father, who was also abandoned by Lady Lesso *and* had his infant son taken away from him? Maybe it was Aric’s father who was responsible for cultivating in Aric a murderous hatred for Lady Lesso and for all women, along the lines of “she abandoned me and then proceeded to abandon you!”, as opposed to Aric’s own childhood experiences with his mother which were likely fond memories?

(original)

[deansoutros]

Black [M]

A/N: sorry it took so long for this one :( i’m sorry if it’s kind of shitty i rushed to finish this bc i had ppl asking for it :/ also fuck you chi

characters: dean x oc, zico x oc, crush, rome

genre: angst(ish?), university au

rated: m, alcoholism, stoners(lol), violence, (mentions of) abuse, sexual content(not in this ch)

CH1 CH2 

chapter 3: 

my mouth dropped slightly and I acted surprised but I knew she was going to say that. everyone had their mouths open in a small smile. I looked up at dean, his expression mirrored mine. sochi smiled proudly, pushing the black cup back to me.  

“drink up” she said. I didn’t know what to do. I was well aware that I was pretty drunk now and drinking from that cup would end me but I couldn’t kiss dean. he was perfectly sober. I knew I might not remember it later but he would. kissing him would make things awkward between us and that was the last thing we needed right now. if this had happened a week ago, I would’ve probably done it because he’s my best friend and the kiss would mean nothing more than a save from the cup but now, he knew something about me. he knew something that made us closer than before and I knew something about him. i couldn’t do it.

everyone looked at me waiting for me to either jump on dean or drink. I looked at dean one last time before sighing, taking the cup sochi had pushed toward me. she snickered in victory as I looked at the contents inside the cup.  I felt all eyes on me and as I brought the cup to my lips, it was taken out of my hands.

“you’re really drunk okay. I’m not letting you drink that.” dean set the cup on the table and crush immediately began laughing. everyone began chanting “kiss him” except for sochi. this had become more than she intended, everyone began pressuring me and I felt like I was about to burst. I grabbed the cup and quickly chugged. my perception of time was off but I counted the five seconds.

“that’s enough” zico ripped the cup from my hands and I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. I got up and set my own drink on the table. I was upset now.

“happy?!” I looked at sochi before storming out the front door.

“chae wait-“ zico followed me out and I heard the room behind me go silent.

I walked out to the lawn, and leaned against the wall with my head back. zico closed the door behind him and stood next to me with his hands in his pockets.

“you okay?” he didn’t look at me, instead he looked straight ahead. I didn’t reply, I still felt the burning sensation of the mixture of tequila, vodka, rum and wine coating my mouth, throat and slowly covering my stomach.

“here” he handed me a water bottle and I took it. I drank it until the taste layering over my tongue was washed out. my face felt warm and I could tell that the drink I just took would hit me soon. a trail of heat formed down my chest to my stomach and for a minute I felt like it would come up but I managed to contain it. we both stayed silent for a while, he waited for me to be ready to talk.

“you don’t need to be out here I just needed some air” I said.

“I want to be out here” he replied with no hesitation.

“you shouldn’t have drank that if you didn’t want to” he continued.

“I didn’t have an option”

“you did and you know you did”

“I didn’t want to kiss him zico, fuck off”

“but you did. listen, we all know there’s something there. we all see it. no one says anything because you both make it so…obvious. even when he was still dating heoyang, he would be with you more than with her. you don’t think we all see how much you care about each other? I don’t know if you both are really that stupid or if you’re pretending you are. you’re falling for each other in a very genuine way or else why would you even think about drinking? if I got that dare with nayeon I would kiss her because there’s nothing there. we aren’t compatible and we never will be. she’s a great friend and I love her to bits but not like that. a kiss would mean nothing, but you hesitated and I saw his face too. just like you, he wanted it but he didn’t want anything to be ruined because he cherishes you. you both know what’s really going on here and you’re scared of what will come after.”

“shut up! just shut up! you don’t know what you’re talking about okay. that’s my best friend not just some random person. would you kiss your best friend?!”

“I’d kiss dean if it saved me from that cup. fuck yeah” I groaned in response and hung my head down.

“I don’t like dean like that why does everyone think I do? I act with him the same way I act with you, so do I want to date you too now?!”

“no, you treat me like I’m your brother, a very handsome brother but nonetheless, a brother. you treat dean like, well like he’s your world. I’m probably exaggerating but why were you so sad all week? you were upset, why? because he wasn’t around.” he sighed. “I didn’t tell you this because I know he said it when he was drunk but, every time I called him he talked about you. if I was in his place all I would talk about is heoyang and how fucked up she was but he barely mentioned her. he talked about you. about how bad he felt calling you all those things, about how scared he was to apologize. you both just need to-“

“please stop, stop talking.” I felt so overwhelmed. I was barely able to stand anymore and I felt like zico had been screaming at me. I know he didn’t mean harm in his words at all but for some reason I began aching. while he was talking, I was trying so hard to convince myself that his words were lies. I was being bombarded with feelings I didn’t even know if dean had or not. I felt like everyone had been screaming at me about this except the one person I needed to. I began regretting even agreeing to this stupid night. I shouldn’t have drank or smoked, I know that when I’m intoxicated my emotions are amplified times a million and a situation that isn’t that big turns into life and death to me. it was so annoying that I was thinking this way but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about it all.

“I like what I have with him, I don’t want anything to change. this is the first person I’ve ever opened up to.” before I knew it I had tears running down my cheeks. “why do you all keep pressuring me? have you ever thought that maybe just maybe if I liked dean I would have done something about it already? you all think you know everything and you don’t. stop assuming shit” I dropped the half-filled bottle of water and stumbled my way toward the parking lot. zico ran after me, grabbing my hand but I only fought with him.

“let me go zico!” I hollered. “I’m just going for a walk okay”

“you’re shitfaced, stop, you aren’t going anywhere chaeyeon” I tripped over the parking bumper and zico quickly tried to get me up but I refused. I dropped my face into my hands, tears pouring down my face for no reason besides the alcohol. I was no longer in control of my body, physically or emotionally. I kept repeating that I needed to throw up in between sobs. I felt zico hook his arms around me and pick me up. he carried me back to the boys place and everyone got up the second we went in.

“what the fuck is she okay?” christian examined me.

“chaeyeon-“ sochi seemed horrified and everyone came closer. I kept my hands covering my face and I felt zico tense up.

“everyone back up, don’t come near her it’s going to make it worse just give her some breathing space. I’m taking her to the bathroom okay? no one come in she’s fine she’s just really fucked up so give her some room.” zico held onto me before whispering to someone “where is he?”

“he got mad too, he went to his room” I could barely recognize crush’s voice. zico forced my arms around his neck and he carried me like a child. he took me to the bathroom and kicked dean’s door on the way there. once we were in the bathroom he set me down on the floor and I heard dean’s door swing open.

“what? who the fuck kicked the door?”

“dean, bathroom now” zico yelled. the familiar footsteps came closer and I couldn’t stop sobbing. zico leaned me against the toilet and I fought him until I saw the door open.

“what the fuck?!” dean rushed to me, brushing my hair out of my face. all I was thinking about was how disgusting I looked. I pushed him away and hid my face in zico’s chest. I felt so embarrassed.

“chaeyeon come here” dean grabbed my arm and I shoved him away again.

“zico get out”

“nah bro she needs help”

“get out I got it”

“dean-“

“would I let anything happen to her?” zico sighed and released me.

“if you need something call me over okay” he walked out and closed the door behind him.

dean instantly took his spot. he sat next to me, leaning against the tub and he pulled me onto his lap. I was still sobbing like I was 2 years old.

“hey, hey it’s okay, you’re okay. no need to cry. I’m right here chae.” my arms wrapped around his neck and I rested my head against his shoulder. he continued to brush my hair out of my face. I felt my eyes puffy and I knew they were red. I looked up at him and he grabbed his sleeve, wiping tears off my cheeks.

“you’re okay chae. it’s all right, breathe.”

“I’m sorry” I managed to mumble out.

“for what? you did nothing wrong babe”

“I’m a mess, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. and I’m sorry to zico too” I was slightly more calm now, dean had been rubbing my back and it was soothing, his touch was soothing.

“zico would murder someone if you asked him to. as for me, you can make it up to me by doing my chemistry homework yeah?” his lips curled into that smile I loved so much and I tittered. he stroked my hair back, his eyes were practically glued on me. I gently hit his shoulder before hiding my face in the crook of his neck. my cheeks felt hot and I had suddenly felt self-conscious.

“stop looking at me”

“why? because you look like crap?” I looked up at him and tears began forming in my eyes again.

“no, no I was joking chae- I’m sorry I was trying to lighten up the mood” he reached across the toilet to grab some toilet paper and began wiping my nose.

“you look beautiful, you always do. the more I see you every day, the prettier you become. even right now, you look adorable”

“dean are you sober?” he nodded.

“you haven’t drank anything?” I persisted.

“besides two glasses of water, nope. what about you?” I let out a small chuckle, tightening my hold on him.

“did zico make you cry? should I punch him?” he asked.

“no no I just felt, overwhelmed. can I ask something?”

“what is it?” I closed my eyes and rested against his chest. I wasn’t thinking properly and I replayed zico’s words in my head.

“I don’t want to move” the tiny sober part inside me prohibited me from asking what I really intended.

“that isn’t a question, silly. if you want to stay here, we will. if you want to sleep here, I’ll be your pillow” god, he was being so adorable.

“can you carry me to bed? if I get up everything’s going to spin more than it is now” I mumbled sleepily.

DEAN’S POV

I stood up and bent down, linking my arms under hers. I picked her up and her arms draped around my neck whilst her legs did the same around my waist. she laid her cheek against my shoulder and I felt her hair cover my back. when we exited the bathroom, sochi noticed and rushed over, asking if she was okay. I nodded to reassure her.

“she just needs sleep, I’m going to put her to bed don’t worry” she hesitantly agreed. I could tell she was full of regret. I knew she probably thought she upset both chaeyeon and I, which she did but she didn’t know how chaeyeon would react, neither did I.

I kicked my bedroom door open, pulling the sheets back from my bed before setting her down. she was practically knocked out when I put her down. I pulled the sheets over her and she incoherently mumbled as I made my way out.

“what chae?”

“don’t go” I was barely able to make out her words.

“I’ll be right back okay, I’m going to grab some water for you” she hummed in response and I flicked the light off, leaving the door cracked.

as soon as I walked out, everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

“she okay man?” christian put his drink down and glanced at me.

“she’s okay, she just needs to sleep it off.” I turned to look at the girls, giving them a pressed smile. “don’t worry, she’s staying here, I’ll take the couch tonight and I’ll take care of her throughout the night.”

“thanks” sochi got up and made her way to the door, jisu and nayeon followed. “she tends to kick and hit in her sleep, just in case” the thought of her sleeping recklessly amused me. I could imagine her hitting sochi and denying it the next morning.  

sochi looked down and nayeon led her out. I took a look at everyone. they were all drunk, especially sochi and crush. as the girls exited I grabbed a bottle of water from the counter. the guys were picking up the cans and pizza boxes laying in the living room. I motioned zico to come.

“you should go with sochi, I have a feeling she’s going to be chaeyeon 2.0 in about 5 minutes. she had a lot to drink and she feels guilty. go with them” he turned to look at the girls. nayeon had her arms around sochi’s shoulders. she was slouchy and hung her head.

“yeah, you’re right. I’ll be back in the morning” he followed after the girls, grabbing his phone before walking out.

“I’m going to bed guys, night” a collective “goodnight” rang from their mouths. they all sounded dead and I could tell they were tired.

I carefully walked into the room, trying not to make any noise. I placed the water bottle on the nightstand next to my bed before grabbing a blanket from the closet and settling down on the couch across the room. just as I was about to fall asleep, a groan came from chaeyeon’s direction. I opened my eyes and saw her moving. I kept an eye on her to make sure she wouldn’t fall off but she began to breathe quicker and quicker, whining. she was probably having a nightmare.

I tossed the blanket off me and got up, gently shaking her.

“chae wake up it’s a dream” it took her a couple of minutes before she opened her eyes. her breathing was heavy and rapid.

“it’s okay you were dreaming. go back to sleep” she took a hold of my arm, tugging me to her.

“sleep with me” she murmured. she was still half asleep but she wouldn’t release my arm. I tried to relieve myself from her grip but she refused to let go. she began whining and I stopped struggling with her. she looked so childlike. her lips jutted out in a pout but her eyes remained closed. her fingers grasped around my wrist but her touch was gentle, so gentle I got goosebumps the more I thought about it. I gave in, pushing her to her side as I slid under the covers. I maintained my distance from her but she reached for my hand, draping my arm around her. I chuckled and she leaned into my chest. her arm coiled over my torso and she hugged me as if I was a plush.

I stroked her hair as I thought about what crush had told me earlier. after chaeyeon walked out earlier tonight, zico stopped me from going after her. I swear it was like all of them had planned this. I was upset that sochi would put her in such an unfair situation and to top it off zico refused to let me go out so I went to my room. crush had come in a couple of minutes later and basically lectured me. he may have girls around him all the time but when the man’s in love, he knows what he’s doing. in fact, he’s the reason I began dating heoyang. crush’s words rang in my head.

“listen bro, I don’t want to get too feely right now but I think this is it. I’m sure zico is telling her the same thing I’m telling you but you both need to come to terms. I personally do not think y’all are going to last in this awkward in between ground for long, then again, I’m not you and I really don’t know how you feel. from an outsider’s perspective, to be brutally honest, in the past almost two months, I’ve seen you happier. even with this heoyang bullshit happening. you’re probably just as oblivious as her if not more. at first, we all thought it was just both of you ignoring it and we slowly came to the realization that neither one of you actually recognizes what’s happening. dean, when was the last time you met a girl and didn’t hook up with her? even your relationship with heoyang began like that. y’all were fuck buddies and before her, you’d have a different girl here every weekend dude. we used to talk about girls all the time even when you had your girl, you’d still look at other chicks and we’d talk about them. ever since chaeyeon moved in next door you haven’t joined our conversations. you haven’t even glanced at another girl same goes for zico but that’s another story. for fucks sake, you spent more time with her than with heoyang. that relationship had fizzled long ago and we all knew it, it was just a matter of time. don’t tell me you felt anything towards her for the past couple of months because I know you didn’t. it was blatantly obvious that the relationship returned to its original purpose, just sex. I’m not going to try and pressure you into marrying chaeyeon or some shit, but I do think you should probably reanalyze your friendship with her. you’ve never had girl friends, dean you don’t form friendships with girls. haven’t you noticed? ask yourself why she’s not only your friend but dare I say best friend. you tell her more shit than you tell us anymore. why? if you really believe that there’s nothing underneath the surface, I’ll be the first to tell you that you’re stupid as fuck. I know you have those little thoughts about her. when she smiles you stare at her lips and you start smiling yourself without even realizing it. the weird part is, you’ve never…well, checked her out. you literally look at her in every way except sexually which is what throws me off but who knows. no shame in loving women and sex dude but you aren’t exactly the type of guy to skip out on looking at ass and tits. so why is chaeyeon different? let yourself fall dean, stop being so afraid man.”

god, I felt like he talked for fucking hours but every single word was floating around in my head. after he had left I began thinking about what he said and I have never felt so lost before. I never noticed half the shit he said. I realized that it was like we were both restraining from even allowing ourselves to acknowledge any type of feelings towards one another. I cherish chaeyeon and losing her is a legitimately terrifying thought. when best friends begin to get romantic it never ends well and that’s what stopped me more than anything else. I tried to convince myself that my feelings were originated from a broken place with heoyang and I but it wasn’t true. heoyang and I had been over long before the night of zico’s party. I hated how I was feeling. I have never been caught up on someone, not like this. don’t get me wrong, I did really love heoyang but this was so different and it scared me. but at the same time, I wanted to do as crush said and let things happen.

my train of thought soon drifted me into a slumber only to be woken up a few  hours later by a gust of wind being rushed out of me. my gasping for air woke chayeon up and the minute I looked at her, her eyebrows knit together with guilt.

“oh god, I’m so sorry. dean are you okay?” she rubbed my chest as I tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.

“fuck chaeyeon, when sochi said you kicked and hit I thought it was just reckless sleeping but you just punched me in the stomach”

“I’m so sorry, are you okay?” she sat up in bed and laid her hand over mine on my stomach. I pulled my hand away and extended my arm to the side.

“lay down”

CHAEYEON’S POV

I slowly laid back down, my head resting on his arm. I kept my hand against his stomach, gently rubbing it in circular motions. I felt so bad. first, I had bruised him up earlier and now I punched him in the stomach. what was next?

“I’m sorry”

“it’s fine stop apologizing, you just startled me, don’t worry. are you feeling better though?” he asked with a yawn following his question.

“yeah, I don’t think I’m completely sober but I feel a lot better. I can’t really remember what happened after I fell though. I just remember crying”

“you fell?!”

“yeah in the parking lot. I think zico picked me up” dean began twirling my hair between his fingers.

“you aren’t hurt though right?” I shook my head and he reached back into the infamous drawer.

“if you take some advil now you won’t feel as shitty in the morning and you’ll avoid the headache” he handed me a small red tablet and a water bottle. I sat up and swallowed the medication. dean’s arms immediately enveloped me and he dragged me back under the covers. my back pressed against his chest and his arm rested over my hip.

“is this okay or are you uncomfortable?” the fact that he was asking was beyond adorable. I placed my hand over his and glided my thumb over his knuckles.

“it’s fine”

silence filled the room and I closed my eyes, getting comfortable in his hold. he adjusted his chin upon my shoulder before sluggishly whispering in my ear.

“let’s do something tomorrow, just you and me. I can make you breakfast in a couple hours then we can go anywhere you want and we can have a nice dinner too”

the proximity of his lips to my ear made me shiver as I felt his words hitting the side of my neck. he noticed and pulled me closer into him. I swear I was sinking into him but his touch was so calming. I felt something I hadn’t felt in a while. I felt safe.

in that moment, I felt that it was just us. it was as if we were the only two people on earth. it was just us in bed, entangled in each other. I thought about zico’s words and how we were in this moment. “you don’t treat him like he’s your brother” he was right, I don’t. part of me wanted to just let things fall into place on their own and the other half just wanted to stay in this moment right here, exactly how we were already.

I stayed quiet for a moment and I could tell he began to get nervous.

“anywhere?” I felt a sleepy smile press against my neck and just that alone forced a simper on my own face.

“anywhere” he said.

“okay, deal” I mumbled before we both dozed off.

the next morning I woke up before him. zico caught me in the kitchen and we chatted a bit. I apologized for last night but I also talked to him about the little moment dean and I had at 4am last night.

“go for it. do it. you don’t have to date him right away. test the waters, go out have fun. why do you think he asked to spend the day with you? he probably made up his mind too. he’s letting things be. stop trying to well ,stop things from happening. he’s going with it so you should too. let yourself fall, he might just catch you”

“that was actually gross coming from you. I’ll think about it though” as zico was about to open his big ass mouth again, dean walked into the kitchen.

“think about what?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

“think about g-” I covered zico’s mouth with my palm, shoving him back.

“nothing! just g…going to the pier…today. yeah that” he glanced at me then back at zico, shrugging before going into the fridge. I shoved zico away and looked him in the eyes. say something and I’ll murder you with my own two hands. he got the message quickly, putting his hands up and backing away from me.

“what do you want for breakfast chae?” dean called.

“you” I head zico whisper.

“what did you say?” dean immediately looked up at zico, an amused half-smile crossed his lips. I was about 2 seconds away from tossing zico out the window.

“I said pancakes” zico looked at me, I was still slightly frozen but he knew those might be the last words he uttered. I nodded, reassuring him that I’d let this one slide, for now.  

I heard dean suppress a laugh as he walked up behind me, his fingers gently gripping my shoulders.

“are pancakes good? I’ll make them from scratch”

“that’s fine” I replied bluntly, my glare was still on zico, waiting for him to pull something out of his ass again.

“ignore him, he’s a dumbass” he said before pressing a kiss against my forehead and walking back to the fridge. zico raised his brows and so did I. it was unexpected. I knew my cheeks would flush soon and for once I didn’t try to stop it. zico had the stupidest smile on his lips as he walked into the living room. he may be a dumbass but he’s my brother…the dumbass.

I turned back, grabbing an assortment of fruits and chopping them up into a bowl. dean was so concentrated on cooking, he barely spoke. he looked so cute. when he concentrated, his tongue slipped out of his mouth a little and he bit his lip. I served two bowls of fruit and sat at the table, watching him try so hard to flip pancakes perfectly and laughing every time it splattered across the whole pan. just watching him made me happy. I could tell he was trying really hard to make this perfect and it was only breakfast.

“ok so they’re a little ugly but I promise they’re good!” he placed a plate with a stack of slightly overcooked pancakes before me. I chuckled, taking a few onto my plate and another three on his. we ate breakfast and discussed plans.

“after this we’ll go to the pier then we will have a nice dinner at one of the restaurants on the dock. so is it a date?” he said. the word date made my stomach tingle but god, this was such a cheesy idea. I didn’t want to be rude but this wasn’t exactly my idea of a good time. don’t get me wrong it’s cute and all but, not with him. he had always been someone I could be myself with and after thinking about what zico said, I decided to let things flow, but not if I had to act like I loved expensive ass food that would fill me up for 10 minutes. so I decided to stay true to myself and our friendship if this was really going to be a fair shot.

“no, it’s not” he stopped eating and looked worried. I could already tell that he was thinking I wasn’t up for our “date”. his expression made me laugh which only confused him more.

“dean, don’t you think we should do something more, I don’t know, us? I mean it’s cute and all but, we don’t really do that stuff. I say we go to the science museum downtown and be nerds, then we go have wings for dinner. I know it isn’t “cute” but…it’s us.” I pressed my lips together, looking down at my plate. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye, exhaling semi-loud in relief. he kept his gaze on me for a minute before continuing his meal.

“okay, I heard they have the first nmr machine ever built. you’d probably like seeing stuff like that you nerd”

“what? really? what are we still doing here?! that machine is calling my name” he laughed at my stupid joke, pushing his plate aside.

“let’s go! go get ready and I’ll pick you up in an hour”

“pick me up? dean. I literally live 5 steps away from you”

“ok and? I can still pick you up, fuck” he reached over and ruffled my hair. I swatted his hands away, getting up and fighting back. it quickly turned into a playful fight. he grabbed a hold of my nose and I pulled his ear.

“y’all are gross” crush said as he walked in, not even looking at us. he looked like shit. he was probably second to most drunk last night since I took the main title. if it wasn’t for that advil at night I would probably be worse than him right now.

we stopped fighting and dean got up to flick his head. crush winced and before he could retaliate, dean grabbed my hand and ran off to his room, dragging me with him.

“you’re so mean you know his head probably hurts a lot” I said.

“yeah well he has a big head, it should be distributed well enough for it to not be that bad”

“you make no sense. dean shut up” he let himself fall onto the bed, pulling me with him. I landed on top of him and he caught me in his arms.

“make me” I swallowed noting but air like they do in the movies, realizing that it wasn’t an exaggeration when they do it. he stared at me, waiting for a response but I was frozen. I got myself together and got off him, collecting my things before heading to the door.

“I’ll text you in an hour” I forced an awkward smile and quickly left.

“chae-“

I closed the door behind me and almost ran out the front door. when I got home jisu was in the living room watching cartoons.

“woah, you look scared are you okay?”

“yeah I’m fine, just…” I debated whether or not I should tell her. this is something I would tell sochi but I was still a little mad that she initiated this. I bit my lip in thought before dropping my things and taking a seat next to jisu. she sat up and muted the tv.

“I think dean wanted to kiss me. that’s weird right? oh well okay actually I should tell you that I’m going to give it a shot with him. I’ll let things flow like zico said. I think he’s doing the same but no one has really said anything so it’s kind of awkward but right now I told him to shut up and he said “make me” like they do in movies and I swear he wanted to kiss me. maybe I’m being extra and he didn’t. I don’t know but for some reason I got really shy and you know I’m not shy with anyone in general. I don’t know it’s weird right? or am I weird for thinking that?”

she opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. I raised my brows suggestively.

“so? are you gonna say anything?” I asked.

“what the fuck just came out of your mouth, you talked so fast I understood like two words”

I groaned and let myself fall back against the couch.

“ok ok it isn’t weird. doesn’t a kiss tell you if you really like someone or not? I don’t know much about relationships you know that. but if you don’t feel like you’re ready to kiss then don’t. be old fashioned grandma, no one’s judging”

“ok A) you are judging by calling me grandma. B) fuck off this is different. I hook up with guys all the time but this isn’t a guy. this is ugly ass noodle head dean. I don’t know why I got shy, it’s not like I don’t know him. even with hook up’s, there isn’t much kissing, haha”

“you’re nasty. take your time before you suck faces if that’s what you want”

“you couldn’t have said kiss instead? ugh, wait. why aren’t you surprised that I’m going to date dean?”

“because everyone knew it was going to happen soon and because you just said it, meaning you do plan on dating him which also means I win $150 when you do as long as it’s before winter break”

“what the fuck, did you bet? with who?!”

“nayeon, christian, sochi, zico, and crush…so everyone. we all agreed that y’all had feelings for each other but crush thought he was going to dump that bitch for you, sochi and zico thought you were going to date sometime next year, nayeon and christian said it wouldn’t happen because you both care too much about your friendship and I said before the semester ends. be a good friend and get me money” I grabbed a pillow from the couch and smacked her with it.

“I hate all of you, I’m going to go get ready to date him in 3 years so none of you fake asses benefit from it” I got up and went upstairs.

“so…is that a yes?” I heard her say behind me. I ignored her and went to my room. I took a shower and got ready. I slipped on a jean skirt that laid above my knees along with a white t shirt tucked into it. I took a little longer than usual to get ready but my makeup looked so good I had no regrets of making him wait longer.

Dean: ready?

Me: yeah, come “pick me up” babe 😩😩😔✊

I laughed at my own text, thinking about how the fuck we would ever be able to function as a couple. why was I thinking about us being a couple??

Dean: on my way now 😉

Dean: here

the consecutive messages made me chuckle. he was so stupid but it was so cute. I rushed downstairs and the moment I opened the door he was standing there with a small bag in his hand.

“you look cute, ready?” I ignored his comment and pointed at the bag.

“what’s that?” I asked.

“oh yeah,” he handed me the bag with tissue paper sticking out. “I asked zico to pick this up for me last night but I didn’t get the chance to give it you”

I pulled away the tissue and grabbed the item inside. it was a small box.

“dean, you didn’t have to get me anyth-“

“open it” he interrupted. his smile showed how proud he was of whatever was inside.

I opened the box to reveal a silver necklace with the molecular structure of dopamine at the heart of it. it was so beautiful and thoughtful. I swung my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

“I’m guessing you like it? let me put it on you” he gently pushed me off and took the necklace from my hand, turning me around and pushing my hair to the side. I lifted it up for him and he slipped the necklace around my neck. I turned back around and held onto the pendant laying on my neck.

“dean you really shouldn’t have”

“I wanted to,” he stepped closer to me, taking the pendant between his fingers. “do you know why I got it?” he asked.

“because you’re stupid” I replied. he smiled and shook his head.

“because you make me happy, so I wanted to give you happiness as well” in that moment I felt my heart speed up. i slipped my arms around him, my chest pressing against his, making sure he knew that it was beating like that because of him. his arms slid around my waist and he pulled me close, burying his head in my neck.

“thank you, I love it” I said.

“good” he replied, pressing a kiss against my cheek. my lips curled into a simper and I caught his hand in mine as he retracted from the hug.

“let’s go” he locked our fingers together and I swear I heard someone squeal followed by an “ow” but I didn’t really pay attention.  

the whole ride downtown he refused to let go of my hand despite me telling him that it was sweaty and gross. I didn’t feel awkward or weird. it felt normal. it felt right.

after an hour of walking around the museum, pointing out things we found interesting and even some stuff we had either used or learned about in class, we headed out the door. I bumped into someone on the sidewalk, or more like she bumped into me, she almost knocked me over. thankfully dean was still holding my hand and he caught me before my face met the pavement.

“are you okay chae-“ his face went blank instantaneously. it looked like he had seen a ghost.

“dean?” I traced his eyes and…fuck.

“so that’s why you didn’t call back yesterday…” she said.

I looked at dean and he was speechless. yesterday?

“what? your new toy doesn’t know that we hooked up every day last week?”

“shut up” he spat through gritted teeth. I felt numb, I didn’t know how to feel nor respond.

“hah, you should probably get over your ex properly before getting a new one” she said. her tone was cocky and it made me angry.

“get the fuck away from us heoyang” dean uttered. she took a step closer to me and dean tried to push me behind him but instead I pushed him away. she came closer and closer, before I knew it, all I saw was red.