#and he resigned fifty and five years in Jerusalem: 2 - But did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD

[dailydosetoablessedlife]

Monday November 28th 2022👑 Read 2 Chronicles 33 👑 Manasseh, king of Judah 👑 2 Chronicles 33: 1 - Manasseh was twelve years old when he began to reign, and he resigned fifty and five years in Jerusalem: 2 - But did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, like unto the abominations of the heathen, whom the LORD had cast out before the children of Israel. 3 - For he built again the high places which Hezekiah his father had broken down, and he reared up altars for Baalim, and made groves, and worshipped all the host of heaven, and served them. 4 - And he built altars in the house of the LORD, whereof the LORD had said, In Jerusalem shall my name be for ever. 5 - And he built altars for all the host of heaven in the two courts of the house of the LORD. 6 - And he caused his children to pass through the fire in the valley of the son of Hinnom: also he observed times, and used enchantments, and used witchcraft, and dealt with a familiar spirit, and with wizards: he wrought much evil in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger. 🔯💜💜💜🙏 . . . . #joelosteen #tdjakesministries #bible #bibleverse

[abbyfdenton]

Late Night Jokes Packet

I submitted a packet to one of those late night writing fellowships. Nothing’s gonna come of it, so here, if future submittees want to compare their packet to some random asshole’s work:

Topical Monologue Jokes

Pharmacy giant CVS recently finalized its purchase of health insurer Aetna, a deal that entered negotiations two months ago, making this the fastest anyone has bought anything at a CVS.

A drunk man took the Internet by storm when he entered a Waffle House late at night and found the staff asleep. He helped himself to the kitchen to cook himself dinner and, like far too many Waffle House patrons, forgot to tip.

Facebook has announced an instant messenger app just for kids under 13. In other news, former Alabama Senator Roy Moore was spotted registering a new Facebook account.

Some cinema owners, desperate to pry moviegoers away from Netflix, have been releasing fake snow and gusts of wind at pivotal points in the movie Coco. I guess they're trying to attract the pivotal longshoreman demographic. We've tried immersive movies for years. In the sixties theaters had electrified seats and scratch-and-sniff cards. More recently, the 3-hour runtime of Justice League made you feel like you'd been stuffed in a dark hole after getting all your bones broken. Chief of Imax Richard Gelfond was skeptical of these techniques and said, "The great revolution will be in virtual reality and augmented reality. Perhaps there’s a dinosaur in a movie and you see them sitting next to you.” (This actual quote is probably goofy enough to get a response, but if not:) I like to imagine Gelfond's dream project, about a wise-cracking, movie-watching dinosaur.

On Sunday the scheduled demolition of the Pontiac Silverdome, once home of the Detroit Lions and the Detroit Pistons, completely failed to trigger an implosion, making the Pontiac Silverdome Detroit's most intact building. Onlookers hoping to see a Detroit landmark fall to ruin were disappointed to learn they'd picked the wrong scheduled demolition that day.

Phone giant Apple recently broke with Dialog, the company making its microchips, and decided to start manufacturing their own. Amish experts were brought in to assist with the production of Apple chips.

In Pittsburgh a cow has now escaped from a live Nativity display twice, both times found walking along a major highway, away from the Nativity and... towards a mall, which I think is more than a little heavy-handed. The Baby Jesus remains at large.

A surgeon in the U.K. pled guilty to burning his initials onto patients' livers while he performed organ transplants. A gruesome case, but if you really want gruesome – how did they check the livers? Generally, you put your initials on rocks, or trees – things you know will last a long time, right? I say, this just proves he was confident.

A Connecticut town councilman recently resigned after a political opponent discovered that he'd spent years under a penname writing furry erotica. You'd think the giant mascot suit would have given him away. (Super an image of a guy in a furry mascot suit in the middle of a city council meeting) “Will the terrifying dog-man from Bridgeport yield the floor?” Meanwhile in the furry community a respected writer faced censure from his peers when it came to light he had been participating in degenerate human society. (Super the legend: FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD)

Meanwhile a town in Ireland recently complained that fumes from a nearby factory producing Viagra were affecting local dogs in, uh, a Viagarrific way. A Connecticut town councilman was quoted as asking, “Where was this?”

The UK has begun punishing people who have used Bitcoin to launder money. It took five years to reach that point for a product with the slogan “Bitcoin: We're for Doing Crimes.”

A New York woman was accused of funneling Bitcoins to ISIS. The Bitcoins totalled a US value of over sixteen thousand dollars... No, just under eight thousand... No, right around fifty-seven thousand dollars.

A report recently asserted that the computer farms processing Bitcoin use more electricity per day than the entire country of Denmark. Many people are saying this proves Bitcoin is a force for global evil, but have we considered that Denmark just doesn't use enough electricity? They let the wind do all their milling. It's a waste of perfectly good wind.

Australia recently voted to legalize gay marriage, which is wonderful news for everybody, especially for my side business selling young people excuses not to commit. (Super an appropriate fake business logo, perhaps of a blue footprint. SLOGAN: Cold Feet? De-Devote.) Notably 80% of the Australian voting public voted in the gay marriage referendum. 80%. In America we're lucky if 80% of the public can spell gay marriage referendum.

A prosecutor in a Chinese mortgage fraud scandal was quoted today as saying, “If everyone is doing it, you can't put them all in jail.” Michael Flynn was quoted as saying, “Bullshit!”

President Donald Trump recently attracted accusations that he was attempting to ignite more violence in the Middle east today when he referred to Jerusalem as the true capital of Israel. Less clear, however, is whether this is a change in US foreign policy or just a guy who doesn't know the capital of Israel.

Refillable desk bits

The Paris Review of Goosebumps

Two very pretentious figures provide contrasting scholarly reviews of an indefensibly silly kids' book, such as Baby-Sitters Club, Animorphs, etc, starting off debating themes but always devolving into schoolyard slap-fights.

Coming of Age

If a bit is risky or seems like it might not land in front of warm bodies, prep a contingency plan – the stage darkens, the host turns to look off-stage thoughtfully, and a voiceover is delivered by an older, folksier voice than the host about the bit's failure and what we've learned. Think: Stand by Me. “Now, I don't know why I thought they'd go for a photoshop of a dog jet-skiing over some dolphins. I guess back then I was a fool.”

Stuff We Did Before the Internet

In light of the FCC's commitment to rollback net neutrality, the host brings someone out to demonstrate past-times and hobbies people had before the Internet which may return to vogue, such as reading books (which the host tears apart while trying to figure out how to turn them on) or hand-churning butter.

Your Dad Explains the News

The host puts on a bad fake mustache, sits on a chair backwards and has a talk with the audience about something he doesn't understand. He loves comparing things to World War II documentaries, and most stories leave him wondering, “Why are these boys so angry?”

Regular Guys Riding a Bus

Following from the assumption that 90% of all problems would be solved if the rich and powerful had to bump noses with the average joe on public transit, the host conducts a political interview from the back of a city bus. A lot of the fun would come from the inconvenience – stop announcements interrupting the guest mid-sentence, stuff like that. Ideally the host and guest pause to offer seats to new passengers and switch positions as often as possible.

Next Week Tonight

Technically 2 segments:

1. A few predictions of what will happen in the coming week – not out of nowhere, upcoming events, releases, etc. Essentially predict results that are either comically bad or impossibly good. “The running of the bulls in Pamplona will cause an unusual amount of property damage, but the bulls will stick around to help rebuild.”

2. Footage of the previous week's predictions, contrasted with similar or completely dissimilar things that happened. Will tend toward gallows humor.

Segment is presented by the host and a shady gangster figure, whom it is implied extorts and bullies the host for gambling on these future predictions.

Animal House Epilogue

Take a clip from a movie or current events, freeze frame over different significant figures, and caption what happened immediately afterwards. e.g. Han Solo: Recovered from stab wound, now manages a Denny's.

Last-Minute Recast

The host interviews two guests, but gets their names mixed up. When they try to correct him, he laughs and says he's not going to fall for their “prank.” The guests attempt to remain in-character and answer questions on behalf of each other, even launching into convincing and obviously fake anecdotes about working on movies they weren't in, until a “producer” comes out, whispers to the host, and the mix-up is cleared up.

Normie Brewster

Soleil Moon-Frye complains about managing an Old Navy.

The Prophesied Return of Urkel

Jaleel White appears and begins to upstage the host much like how he replaced the original main cast of Family Matters. The jealous host banishes him in increasingly bizarre ways, by calling security, by winning an arm-wrestling match, or through a Charlie Daniels-esque fiddlin' duel. It is implied that Jaleel White is some manner of leprechaun.