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end-of-pizza · 4 years ago

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WEIRD ANIME NIGHT

guys, I’m going to level with you. I am running out of weird anime’s I have watched. I want to do these guys every week I really do....and I have a stack of VHS tapes and DVD’s downstairs to dig through that MIGHT have some more gold in them, but it would be SUPER COOL of you if you would DM me some ideas or suggestions to look into in the coming weeks and months now I said I am RUNNING OUT, that doesnt mean I’m empty. Tonight I am going to go on a tangent, and talk about one anime you dudes have LIKELY seen already MOBILE FIGHTER G GUNDAM

You might say to yourself, hey Brian, that show isn’t THAT weird, gundam is a big big robot show, and that is just another cookie cutter big big robo show

BUT YOU ARE WRONG

DEAD WRONG

Mobile fighter g gundam was only the 9th gundam series ever made, and the series it follows Victory gundam is considered one of the darkest in gundams canon, where kill them all Tomino really showed that he earned that name, it wasn’t gifted to him. I mean the shows about a 12 year old who, in its final act fights a giant, moon sized ring full of psychics that try to reduce humanity to animal like stupidity so that they can rule the earth, and also like…..all of his friends die. All of them, most of them children. Victory gundam is dark as shit

G Gundam though? Naw, this show is like two clicks away from being a gundam skin over top of a king of braves show. I mean let me break it down like this. G gundam is about a buncha people, hired by their countries to represent them in a martial arts tournament , with giant robots that used to be used for war, but that war destroyed earth real bad, so instead they still destroy earth real bad with giant robots, but instead of war, its just a boxing match and they make it clear that this ish is bad for the earth like EVERY city is fucked, and whoever wins the tournament, their government gets to be dictators of the world and space for 4 years.

and its played for laughs

I also want to mention for people who are passingly familiar with Gundam through things like wing or seed etc, and know that gundam has different time lines, THIS is the first alternate timeline, this is the first non UC timeline in the whole of gundam. Imagine if the last few shows were, a war drama about a 14 year old being drafted and getting ptsd, then a sequal where a child psychic also gets drafted then his parents die, then the girl he loves tries to kill him and dies, then a sequal to that where again, a ton of main characters die, then a sequal movie where two of the main characters of the entire show both die, then a show about a boy making a new friend, who turns out to be a soldier, and introducing them to his next door neighbor who turns out to be a soldier, then while trying to help his new friend, his neighbor murders him, ON CHRISTMAS, then he has to just go back to normal life because he kept all of this a secret to everyone.

AFTER THAT ALL WE GET THIS

youtube

I mean it took a show that for 20 years had been a dead ass serious war drama, and turned it into well......MMA with robots and dudes (and a few ladies) in latex cat suits using magic to destroy famous land marks

THE WIKI SAYS Unlike previous series in the Gundam franchise which are set in the "Universal Century" timeline, Mobile Fighter G Gundam takes place in an alternate "Future Century" universe.[1][2] Within this timeline, much of mankind has abandoned a ruined Earth to live in space colonies. The countries on Earth have corresponding colonies just outside the planet's atmosphere. Rather than fight wars for political and social dominance, the colonies agree to hold a "Gundam Fight" tournament every four years. Each country sends to Earth a representative piloting a highly-advanced, humanoid mobile fighter called a Gundam. The Gundams compete with one another in one-on-one battles, under a strict set of rules, until only one fighter remains; the nation represented by the winner earns the right to rule all of space for that period.[2] Each Gundam is controlled directly by the user within the cockpit using the "Mobile Trace System", a gesture recognition and feedback mechanism whereby the Gundam mimics the pilot's own body motion, combat skills, and weapon-wielding capabilities.[1]G Gundam opens at the start of the 13th Gundam Fight in Future Century year 60 and follows Neo Japan's Domon Kasshu, fighter of his nation's Shining Gundam and bearer of the coveted "King of Hearts" martial arts crest.[1] Aside from winning the tournament, Domon's mission is to track down his fugitive, older brother Kyoji, who allegedly stole the experimental Dark Gundam from Neo Japan's government, leaving their mother dead and their father (Dr. Raizo Kasshu) to be arrested and placed in a cryogenic state.[3]

Under orders from Major Ullube Ishikawa, Domon and his childhood friend and mechanic Rain Mikamura travel from country to country, challenging each one's Gundam while searching for clues to the whereabouts of Kyoji and the Dark Gundam.[3] Domon's initial matches with Neo America's Chibodee Crocket, Neo France's George DeSand, Neo China's Sai Sai Ci, and Neo Russia's Argo Gulskii end in draws, gaining mutual respect among the fighters.[1][2] As they encounter Gundam pilots who had come in contact with the Dark Gundam, Domon and Rain learn of its unique cellular properties to regenerate, multiply, and evolve by infecting organic matter and causing violent behavior in living things.[3] The duo then journey to Neo Tokyo, a city decimated by the Dark Gundam's army of mobile weapons. Domon reunites with his esteemed martial arts instructor Master Asia, who is also the champion of the last Gundam Fight, the former King of Hearts, and one-time leader of an elite group of Gundam fighters called the Shuffle Alliance. After Domon and Rain help the city's survivors defend their last outpost in Shinjuku, Master Asia reveals himself as a servant of the Dark Gundam, having also gained control over Chibodee, George, Sai Sai Ci, and Argo using Dark Gundam (DG) cells.[2][3] The four remaining members of the Shuffle Alliance intervene and vow to destroy their previous leader for his crimes. Ultimately, the Alliance members offer their lives in purging the DG cells from Domon's four comrades and bestow each of them with a Shuffle Alliance crest as their successors. Kyoji and the enormous Dark Gundam eventually appear from beneath the ground of Shinjuku, but shortly thereafter vanish alongside Master Asia. As the Shuffle Alliance trains in the Guiana Highlands for the Gundam Fight finals, Master Asia and the Dark Gundam reappear.[3] With the help of his friends and a new ally in Neo Germany's masked warrior Schwarz Bruder, Domon defeats the Dark Gundam. When the Shining Gundam becomes incapacitated during the battle, Domon desperately manages to activate a newly acquired God Gundam(AKA Burning Gundam outside Japan), escape Master Asia, and make his way to the finals set in Neo Hong Kong.[2][4]

The Gundam Fight finals are presided over by Wong Yunfat, Neo Hong Kong's prime minister and the current ruler of the space colonies and Earth. Wong chooses to have the qualifying nations battle in one-on-one and tag team preliminary matches to reach a battle royale on Lantau Island, where the tournament is to end with the winner facing the defending champion Master Asia.[2][4] Having gained possession of the Dark Gundam, Wong secretly plots to revive and control it as his trump card to inevitably maintain his own power over space. Domon and his companions make their way to the battle royale while several truths concerning the Dark Gundam are unveiled. Rain's father, Dr. Mikamura, eventually explains that the Dark Gundam (originally called the Ultimate Gundam) was constructed by Dr. Kasshu to rejuvenate the dying Earth. Jealous of his genius colleague, Dr. Mikamura had Neo Japan's officials attempt to confiscate Kasshu's creation. To prevent the military from using his father's invention for its own agenda, Kyoji fled with and crash landed the Gundam on Earth, where its computer malfunctioned, triggering its malevolent activity. Ullube subsequently had Dr. Kasshu arrested, framed Kyoji as a criminal, and used Domon and Rain as pawns in recovering the Gundam.[4] In a separate confession, Master Asia discloses to Domon that, having been distressed by the utter destruction wrought by the Gundam Fights, he planned to use the Dark Gundam to wipe out humanity and allow Earth to heal naturally.[2] The battle on Lantau Island culminates with Domon fatally besting Master Asia in a final confrontation, while Kyoji and Schwarz sacrifice themselves so that Domon can attack the Dark Gundam's cockpit and disable it once again.[4] Though the schemes of both Wong and Master Asia are foiled, Ullube quietly claims the Dark Gundam and transports it to Neo Japan's space colony for his own purpose. Having been corrupted by DG cells with ambitions of supreme power, Ullube kidnaps Rain and places her into the Dark Gundam's core to act as its energy source. The hulking monstrosity then merges with the colony and begins absorbing Earth itself.[2] As the entire world's Gundams unite to assault the Dark Gundam from the outside, the Shuffle Alliance breaks inside the colony and destroys Ullube. Finally, Domon professes his love for Rain and releases her from the core. Invoking the power of the King of Hearts, the couple vanquishes the Dark Gundam once and for all

I just rewatched it like a month ago, its real good, def go watch it

if you are the kind of person who was maybe put off by OG gundams TONE or wing gundams edgy-ness, give g gundam a watch its honestly a good anime, its about as shonen as a shonen can legally get. Also its spiritual successor, the Build series is really good too, really liked Build Fighters Try A LOT, and I guess like.....it might be canon to this reality? its weird. Gundams weird when it comes to canonisity, its sort of all canon kinda.

∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀ ∀

Also the model kits for this show, and you knew I was going to bring up Gunpla at some point, well they come in two qualities

AWESOME and brand new

or shit and 20 years old

So if you collect these things like I do…..get both kinds of their kits

They’re good.

Have a good one

~Hoover

#weird anime night #gundam #g gundam #not pizza

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curious-menace · 4 years ago

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Blacklight!Riddler SFW Alphabet

ahh my baby, My au riddler . i worked super hard on this so if anyone is intresed in the au i can point them towards this for some idea of how he acts. i wanted to do a lil gif of him for the header but my laptop doesnt have adobe on it anymore =(

ah well.

its sfw but im putting it under a cut so it doesnt clog up anyones dash.

as always, if you have anymore headcanons or things you want to ask me, send me an ask or a dm!

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

So affectionate! Lots of compliments! But affection given like a cat, on his terms and usually at the worst possible time. Like you have a major deadline and he decides your lap is the best place to sit to read his book. Someone’s at the door while you're both in bed and now is the time he decides to fling his arms and legs over you and hold on for dear life.That's not to say he won't cuddle on your terms sometimes but he just has a habit of needing cuddles at the exact moment your alarm for work goes off.

Edward isn't great with words when it comes to genuine affection, it's hard for him to say things like “i love you” or “i appreciate you” . He's not big on letting people touch him either but since he’s decided he likes you he's going to shower you in hugs and hand holding. He’s very physical with his affection.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He's a very annoying and inconsistent friend, simply put. In his youth he was arrested quite a few times for his riddler antics. Expect a lot of late night calls for bail, him hiding out in your apartment and you patching is sorry ass up when he gets hurt on a caper, beat up by the cops or batman.Now, as an adult and a PI, he's still calling you up at 3 am but it's mostly so he can bounce things off you, ideas and theories and such. Only occasionally because he’s been working himself to the point of exhaustion and needs to crash on your sofa.

How would the friendship start? That's a good question. Edward has always struggled with interaction. Over the years he’s put his considerable intellect towards learning how to socialize and be perceived as high functioning. But that took a lot of trial and error, Edward never had any friends as a child or even until he moved to gotham in his late teens. you probably met in university/college, when he was 17-18. He was a computer science major before it was a big thing. He sold answer keys and ran tech support for some extra cash so i imagine you probably went to him for one of those two things and you just caught his eye. Maybe you gave some genuine thanks? Maybe you asked about the dozens of postit riddles stuck to his wall? Either way you soon found him coming round for lame reasons just to talk to you.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He had a rough childhood in more ways than one. When you first met him he was severely touch adverse. Like he wouldn't even share a sofa with you because you were within arms length. But now? After years of knowing him? He’s quite happy to curl up beside you, lie with his legs over you or his head in your lap. You've been kind, he trusts you with his space. He likes to drape himself over you. Being touch adverse doesn't make him immune to being touch starved. He’s making up for lost time so he likes to be in contact with you a LOT. His favorite place for cuddles by far is bed. He is always cold, even in summer so he likes to be little spoon.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

You know he never really thought about it until he met you. Edwards circle of people he genuinely gives a shit about could be counted on 1 hand. I imagine he probably caught feelings early in your friendship but they didn't develop into romantic ones until much later. He likes his own space so maybe he’d spend half his time at yours ( or a little more) and the other half at his. He’s decent at cooking and cleaning but I imagine you probably helped him get there, since he was almost non-functional by the end of his escapade as the Riddler. Since he spends time at yours he’d probably take turns cooking for you while you clean or vice versa. He likes to show off, cook fancy things for you but it only works out half the time.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Lord it would be MESSY. If you're breaking up with him you'd better have a damn good reason. He’d be hysterically upset and that’s just to start with. Next he’s going to be angry but more at himself for buying into the lies that you cared about him. It doesn't matter your reasoning , he’s going to beg for another chance. When it comes to matters of his heart, edward...needs practice and lacks restraint. Coming back from the brink, having to build himself from the ground up without the kind of resources most people had from childhood was hard enough, but now he feels like he's got to do it all over again without you. He’s going to be depressed for weeks and honestly? He might never get over it.

You would have to do something SPECTACULAR for him to want to break up with you. I mean astronomically bad, kill everyone in gotham, burn all his books and shag the joker while you're at it kind of bad for him to consider it. Assuming you haven't turned yourself into a metahuman in the process of this lunacy, he’ll just sit you down like an adult and tell you he’s not happy. He’s not unreasonable, if you admit you messed up he’s probably willing to work it out. if not, expect him to all but disappear from your life.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Again, he never thought about it until he met you. He wants to get married but i imagine it would take him time to actually propose. He wants it to be special, he’s going to wait for the exact right moment . But knowing his luck something will happen and he’ll just have to go with what he’s got. Hey, at least it’ll be a fun story to tell at the reception.

After the proposal, when you're officially his fiancé, he’d want it to be better than special, he wants it to be magical. He’s going to spoil both of you and give you your dream wedding whatever that might be.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Usually yes. Edward likes to repair watches and clocks as a hobby which is very delicate work, he has naturally gentle hands. You'd never need to worry about him being rough with you or at least not physically. He lacks a lot of social grace and can be VERY blunt but he definitely doesn't mean to be hurtful. He’s learned from being an unlikeable arse, he’s always first to apologise if he’s caused offence( sarcasm and gentle teasing notwithstanding) . Despite all that and however rare they may be, his words of love are always gentle and kind.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Surprisingly, he does! But only from you and only when you ask/ give him a heads up first. He likes to bump foreheads or bury his head in the crook of your neck while he hugs. He is liable to panic if touched in such a way by surprise.

Him giving you a hug/initiating the hug, is a once in a blue moon kind of event. You are his partner, he depends on you for comfort so he’s probably been stressed or upset to breaking point and unable to verbalize what he needs from you for something like that to happen.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He's loved you for a long time before he found the courage to actually say it. Even then, he is likely to just assume you know he loves you without hearing it. He is most likely to say I love you under duress. It would probably take a stressful situation, like you getting hurt, to finally give him the kick in the pants he needs to actually say it. After that first time it gets a little easier but he still feels awkward saying it when others can hear.

Although, he’ll absolutely never get tired of hearing it from you.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Its hard to say. On one hand Edward likes to appear bulletproof. Nothing gets to him, nothing can undermine his confidence. But on the flip side we all know how deeply insecure this man is. Edward is a terrible over thinker, he does his best but reading strangers emotions is still something he struggles with. If someone is just being friendly to you, he could read it as something else and over compensate. Dropping a lot of verbal queues like “this is MY partner, theyre the love of MY life” etc.

I have to say though, hes not jealous or possessive by default and he trusts you immensely. He's just insecure and bad at hiding it, you’ll know when something is up. Just reminding him that he has nothing to worry about is the best course of action.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are infrequent and brief but they're always very soft. He always asks before he’s in your space( and he expects the same courtesy) so don't expect surprises. He’ll kiss you anywhere you like but he has a habit of kissing your hands. There's nothing special about hands to him but he just enjoys how soft yours are on his lips. He only enjoys kisses from you, he won't tolerate it in a social setting , like kissing as a greeting or between friends and he isnt fond of PDA. He’ll take kisses from you anywhere, but his jaw, shoulders and forehead are his favorites.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Uhh...he likes them in theory. He likes the other rogues children and has no problem with children in general or if you had some from another relationship. He doesn't really want any of his own.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He’s a morning person and likes his routine. But that only really kicks in after he gets up, he’s quite happy to wake up early just to watch you sleep or if you're both awake, he likes to lounge around with you and just share his space with you.

Once he actually gets up, his routine is shower, breakfast and coffee while he reads/watches the news. He needs those 3 things to start his day otherwise he feels...antsy and uncomfortable . He’s used to doing those things alone and even with you around he still prefers it that way so don't feel obligated to bend your schedule around him.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Edward isn't one for loud parties. He will socialize for business or to keep up appearances but truthfully he’d rather spend the night in, with you. You could be doing your separate hobbies and enjoying the company and the quiet or you could be watching a movie, picking holes in the plot and pointing out production errors. He really likes british game shows and quiz shows like Q.i, mock the week and 9 out of 10 cats does countdown.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

It was easy to see , even from your first meeting, that Edward had been through the ringer. You saw what a mess he was, but I doubt he’d ever tell you the whole story of how and why he came to be that way. He doesn't want to frighten you off, or even worse, make you pity him. Every now and then you might get a snippet of something or figure a little something on your own but he prefers to play his cards close to his chest .

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Edward has mellowed considerably since he was an angry teenager. He took a look in the mirror one day and just saw his father and that genuinely scared him. To him, getting angry is a loss of control, its unprofessional and it makes you do and say stupid things. So he took control and refused to let that particular emotion ever get the better of him.

He doesn't really get mad anymore but he does get stressed and sometimes that can look similar. He gets annoyed easily with other people easily; their lack of understanding or even willingness to try,really gets under his skin. I'd say he's only ever really angry when something offends you or his admittedly wonky morals.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Edward has an eidetic memory and synesthesia, he's going to remember everything whether you want him to or not, even down to the way you phrased certain sentences. Edward loves Knowledge and if you're his partner, you're bound to be one of his favorite things to learn about.

The only information he has trouble recalling on command is tastes. This isnt to say he doesnt remember them, it just takes longer than normal for the information to float to the surface. It can make it difficult for him to cook since he cant remember from one time to the next if the recipe tastes right. He probably cant remember your favorite food but i doubt he’d forget your favorite restaurant .

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

I dont think edward would be able to pick a favorite moment. He was at a low point when you met, spiraling down until a few years later he was at the bottom of the barrel .but, you still stayed by him. You helped him raise himself up again and he’s cherished every moment youve spent with him since then. If you pressed him he’d probably say something really obscure that you dodnt even remember until he mentioned it. Maybe one morning you were making breakfast for the both of you and the sun caught you just right. Edward was suddenly struck by how lucky he was to just be sitting there, near you, watching you work and having you in his life.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Edward is pretty protective but he’s not an imposing man, he keeps people away with his words and personality. He’s kept a few tools from his Riddler days, he can be manipulative or emotionally violent but it’s rarely unwarranted.

He’d never admit it to anyone but you, but he needs more protection than anyone could know. Like I said, he tries so hard to appear bulletproof, unshakeable,but that is absolutely exhausting. Some days he just can't do it on his own. He’s only had a couple of panic attacks in all the years you've known him but you're usually the first person he calls, you're the best at helping him calm down.

If you want to get really deep, then you should know that just by being with him, you're protecting him from what might have happened if he’d never met you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He really tries, with everything. But often you wish he wouldn't. Edward stresses himself out to the point he can't enjoy whatever it is he had planned for the both of you because he’s so hyper fixated on making it perfect, exactly like he had it in his head. It never goes that way and it often ends in tears. But i suppose as long as youre someone who isnt easily disappointed, someone who doesn't mind just going with the flow after plans fall through you should be fine.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Edward can be very petty. He does a lot of things out of spite and just to annoy others or get back at them for some perceived slight. He's definitely not as bad as he used to be but hes still not above buying the last of something just because the person behind him in line was rude to him and they wanted it.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Edward was a bit unaware of how attractive people found him until well into his adult years. Being asexual, he never really thought about himself in that regard until people started paying him complements . Then? Oh boy he really started taking advantage of it. He’s not vain in the way that he spends all day checking out his own reflection in a mirror but he always starts his day immaculate and does everything to keep it that way.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Edward was, and to an extent still is a little love starved. His childhood left a hole in his heart that has been difficult to fill even with your help. It’s unlikely he’ll feel whole even with you but he’s still 100% better off with you in his life than without.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Edward loves scavenger hunts. It's a chance for him to explore, use his navigation skills and generally show off how smart he is. In Arkham he was put in charge of the easter egg scavenger hunt. He was great at it but they had to call it off after a few years when he gave some of his least favorite people a map for the hedge maze that just went round and round in circles . It took several hours and some sniffer dogs to get them out of there.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Despite his quirks and excentricities , edward is quite tolerant of most things in a partner. He despises loud noises; i feel he’d have a hard time with a loud partner but what he really couldnt stand is someone who doesnt get the need to be quiet at times.

In general,he has a pretty deep seated dislike of corporations committing crimes. He and Lonnie Machin (anarky) would probably get along quite well. Petty crimes are unimportant to him but he hates when people at the top are screwing over the little people. Someone stealing from the supermarket? Thats fine by him. Lex corp stealing corporate secrets from a small business? Not on his watch.

Again, he's not doing this out of some great moral virtue and he’s probably more proud of it that he should be, but he takes GREAT joy in knocking these people down a few pegs with hacking and blackmail. He just likes to see the underdogs win sometimes.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Edward likes to sleep with someone or something. His family didnt have much money so he had to share a bed with his sibling until he was about 10. He really enjoys his own space, he has his own king sized bed now but he still sleeps better, more soundly and for longer when he’s sharing with someone. If its you he’s sleeping with, expect to be used as a pillow and to never have use of your arms because he’s lying on them.

#Edward Nigma #edward nygma #The Riddler #Riddler #sfw alphabet #headcanons #my headcanons #blacklight au #batman blacklight au #my stuff #my art

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darnara-vas-rayya · 6 years ago

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Emergency Situation.

Hello all I do not enjoy writing this journal, in all honesty im disgusted. But this is a serious situation. TLDR: Dad's a fucking ass, shitton of debt he's in, if anyone can spare anything...i literally beg of you, even if its 50cents! Anything your willing to safely give to go towards food, electricity and gas meters can be done here; paypal.me/DarNara If you want something tangible in exchange for your money then please see below. If anyone wants to discuss this in private, my Discord is Dar'Nara#4818 My unending thanks to those who have already helped, i have made sure its been used wisely to get nessecary items (Food, electricity and gas meter top-ups etc...), so thank you very much! ;-; =================== The long version; An emergency situation has arisen. As some of you who i talk to regular will know, my dad has been an absolute asshole and got himself into huge sums of debt that he clearly has no plan to pay off. He's maxed out all his accounts, and almost dragged my mum down with him and had her in debt too. When i found out about this, i tried to help them both out. £3000 or so i used between them both and now mum is back in the green, accounts suspended whilst her credit rating goes back up and she gets things in order. Dad was in the green at least, still in debt, but not over-limit but now he's just spent what he was given and is back in the red. Waaaay in the red. >_< The emergency situation here is that, because he has done this there is now little to no disposable income for even the basics, like food. Dad has quite proudly said he will tell debt collectors 'he doesnt live here'. I cannot comprehend this logic. It is on a whole other level of stupid. From him saying that alone, after i helped him, i definetely got burned here and so would my mum have been too as he evidently doesnt even want to pay this debt off and is quite happy to spend everything and try and tell the law that 'he doesnt live here'. I've had a long chat with my mum about dads actions and made sure that when her accounts are un-blocked that she doesnt let him anywhere near them. His debt total? Near £10,000 now. Over 5 or more credit cards and a few catalog accounts. All likely with 49.9+% interest. And thats just what we know about! All over-limit and demanding their money immediately. This is an absolute clusterfuck and i'm at wits end here. Dad's been getting final notice calls and letters and we're at risk of having our stuff taken away by debt collectors! I've recently been made aware that i can get around that so long as i can prove whats mine and my mums, but what we wont get around is if the creditors want to take the house! Which they can! I've tried going through official channels, reporting this and hoping to at least get his ability to keep getting credit blocked outright as clearly he is a risk but nobody wants to listen yet clearly places are still readilly borrowing to him. His credit score i am 99% sure is <100. Not even a shady payday loan company would take that on surely?! But someone is.... I am out of money i can safely provide to keep things going. So here i am. Having to beg for money so we can keep the lights on and i can get food for everyone because dad sure as hell isnt buying it. He's also made it very clear that he wont be contributing anything more than £35/month to the electricity meter.....we go through about £59/week and he says if it gets shut off that he just doesnt care. And, i dont even know where he's getting this £35 either or how he's paying other bills like the internet and water bills, or his own phonebill. Though in all likelihood, he probably isnt. If your willing to give anything, doesnt matter if its just 50cents, it is highly appreciated and you can use this link; paypal.me/DarNara For those of you whom have already helped, you have my undying and unending thanks and appreciation. It really does mean alot and will have helped in some way! I feel so horrible about all this, you dont exactly expect your own father to do stuff like this. And as much as i'd like to just up and leave. I cannot. In the UK thats called making yourself 'intentionally homeless' since im not being 'physically abused'. I would not qualify for emergency housing and receive no aid from the local Council or police. Family who know about this have all taken a dim view on this but have said they're not going to help and i dont expect friends to put me up long term either. I do also have commitments to my mum and my sister who live here as well so just ditching them is not really an option and would only cause further issues. Anything given will be put in the following priority order. Food, then electricity meter, then gas meter (both are prepaid meters we use for electricity and gas/hot water meaning that money gets put onto a special card thing at a shop, it then has to go into the meter and credit gets added to it that gets used as you use the service its providing), then trying to save anything else incase any other shitty problem arises here. Again im really sorry to be asking at all, but this is such a bitch of a situation. If anyone wants something tangible for any money they give, i have got some stuff to sell in order to try help with this situation and will be happy to exchange this for money. The following things are available; 1.) Apple MacBook Pro - £200 (2012 model, 256GB Samsung SSD + 500GB hard disk - few dents around casing but nothing that affects performance - Comes with charger (UK plug)) 2.) LS240 SuperDisk Drive £55 (new) or £30 (used) (2 of these, one is brand new in box - Each will come with 1x new sealed disk to use with it) 3.) Official Mass Effect 3 signed Prothean Lithograph (61/500) - £50 (no frame) or £65 (with frame) 4 ) Official Mass Effect 3 signed Prothean Battle Lithograph (89/500) - £50 (no frame) or £65 (with frame) 5.) Official Mass Effect 3 signed Anderson Lithograph (103/500) - £60 (no frame) or £75 (with frame) 6.) Official Mass Effect 3 Reaper Attack Lithograph (44/500) - £60 (no frame) or £75 (with frame) 7.) Iomega Jaz 2GB Drive + 1 2GB cartridge + SCSI cable - £50 8.) Iomega REV Drive 35GB (Have 2 of these, 1 is Firewire connection and the other is IDE/ATAPI) - £50/each + 1 35GB cartridge with each drive. 9.) Various old computer parts - £30 for whole box (500GB-1TBhard disks, cables, etc...whole mix of things. Cannot garuntee working however. Just thrown into box and left.) If anyone wants any of these, kindly send me a private message and lets arrange something. Please be aware that shipping IN the UK is £11 via Special Delivery (no exceptions). Shipping OUTSIDE the UK - This STARTS at £19 and can go up from there. I will not send anything un-tracked.

#Some fucking humans are just intolerably stupid. I wish i could just leave.

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asupernaturalgirl · 7 years ago

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Pizza and Kidnapping

Request: Hey, I love your imagines! Do you write for criminal minds? If so could you do a Hotch x Reader where she's Jack's Babysitter and they both have feelings for eachother but he doesnt realise until she gets kidnapped by an unsub and saves her and there's declarations of love etc please? Thank you! X

A/N: Hello everyone! Something a little different for you! I hope you like it and all of the Hotch feels!

Warnings: kidnapping, mentions of injuries, angst, wine?

...

“Jack, you’ve got to get to bed tonight,” You say, picking up the quickly growing boy who refused to go to bed. “I promise I will wake you when your dad arrives home.”

“Please, I want to stay up and watch TV with you,” You look at him with doubtful eyes and boop is nose.

“I wish you could buddy,” You give him a frown. “You’ve got school tomorrow though and your dad would not be happy with me if I allowed you to stay up that late.”

He nods slowly and you take him up the stairs of the large house. You enter the young child’s bedroom and set him down on his own bed. “Goodnight, Jack,” You say, brushing back his hair a bit. “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

Quietly, you walk down the stairs and sit on the couch, picking up a book on the coffee table and beginning it. Around an hour later, you hear a car door shut and Aaron walks in a few moments later.

“Hey, Y/N,” He says, setting his briefcase down by the door. His eyes are dark and tired. “How did everything go?”

“Great,” You say, smiling and putting the book back as you stand up. “He put up a bit of fight going to bed. I reckon he was excited to see you after three days of being gone. A bit sick of me, I suppose.”

Aaron shot you a look and shook his head slightly. “I think it was probably the other way around. He doesn’t want you to leave, I’m sure,” He smiles a little. “He love you - we both do.”

You smile slightly. “Well, I better get home. I’ve got a cat waiting for me.”

“Hold on,” He protests, holding up his hand. “I haven’t eaten anything other than donuts and coffee for the past few days. I was thinking about ordering some pizza if you’d like to stay.”

Your heart flutters in your chest. As hopeful as you were, this sounded like a semi-date to you. You didn’t want to get your hopes up though, Aaron Hotchner was much too good for you. “Isn’t it a little too late for pizza?”

He smiles a little and shakes his head. “We are adults, aren’t we? Aren’t we allowed to enjoy an evening with pizza.”

You nod your head and chuckle slightly. “I’ll have to agree with you on that one.”

“C’mon,” He takes off his tie and motions for you to follow him to the kitchen. “Order it on the computer and I’ll bring out some wine.”

You sat on the stool and turned on the laptop, typing in the website of your favorite pizza place and look at the specials. A few moments later, Aaron comes out of the garage with a bottle of wine and two glasses. You submit the order and take the glass of red wine he pours of you. “Thank you.”

He nods and takes a seat next to you as you both take a sip. It was better wine than you could afford in a while. “Where did you go for this last case?”

“Boston,” He muttered, taking a large sip of the wine. You could tell how stressed and upset he was. “It was a bad one?” You questioned, hoping you weren’t taking things too far by asking him these questions.

“It’s always hard when they’re preying on helpless people. Girls coming home drunk from bars were the victims most of the time.” He says, shaking his head in disbelief. “Be careful out there, Y/N. Always look out.”

“I know,” You say quietly, looking down. “You told me before.”

Aaron always told you to be careful, not to do anything reckless. He said he had seen to much of how those mistakes can bite you in the butt. You appreciated it, but couldn’t help but wonder if he warned you for another reason.

As you sit in silence for a few moments, the doorbell rings and you walk to get the pizza. Aaron hands him the money and you set the box on the coffee table in the living room. “I’ve been waiting to watch some TV since three days ago.” He says, sitting on the couch and grabbing a slice, turning it one.

“Sounds good to me,” You say, sitting next to him and taking a slice of your own. You both decide on The Tonight Show because it was the only thing on at the moment. After finishing the episode, I look at the clock on the wall and realize it’s 1 in the morning. “Jesus christ.”

You stand up and Aaron does too. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to keep you for so long.”

“It’s fine,” You shake your head and grab your bag from the door. “I’ve just got to get home.”

He nods and walks to the door, opening it for you. “Aaron,” You say as you stand on the front porch. “Get some sleep.”

He nods, understanding that you could tell how tired he was. He smiles at you. “Be careful.”

“I’ll see you at nine tomorrow,” You say as you make your way to your car in the driveway.

…

It is freezing the next morning as you bundle up in your large jacket and run out to your hair, steam rising from your mouth. You car blinks its lights as you unlock it. You had to be at Aaron and Jack’s house in ten minutes. Because you stayed out so late the night before, it was hard to pull yourself out of bed this morning, but Aaron had to go to work like a regular person, even though he was just gone for three days, which means you have to go to work.

You open your car door and throw your heavy bag in the passenger seat, putting the key into the ignition. Just as you’re about to turn the key, there’s a chilling voice behind you, sending even more chill bumps up your cold body.

“Turn the key and drive and don’t scream,” A man’s voice says who you don’t recognize. You curse yourself as you remember the stupid mistake of forgetting to even lock your car. All your limbs feel as though they’re ice and can’t move. You remember the mace spray Aaron had given you in your glove compartment, but it was too far away. You could feel the barrel of the gun against the back of your head.

“Please don’t hurt me,” You beg, holding your hands up.

“Drive, b****,” He screams in your ear. This makes you jump into action and you turn the key quickly, a sob coming from your mouth. Thoughts off all those women Aaron and his team had seen, unable to save burned in your mind. ‘It could happen to anyone,’ his voice burned in your mind, warning you to be careful. ‘Always look in the back of your car.’

You drive down the street, the barrel of the gun still on your head. He instructs you to pull over in a heavily wooded area. Normally, this is something you would protest, but the thought of the bullet going through your head made you act as he said.

“Get out and put your hands up,” He whispers, and you do as he says. As you get out of the car, you quickly through your hands up. He follows, the gun that wasn’t on your head anymore, you still knew was there, pointing at you. “Open the trunk and get in.”

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest as you open the trunk and walk over, signing your death certificate by getting in. Everything you were doing was so wrong, but you were so scared of what could happen if you didn’t do as he said. “Please find me, Aaron,” You whisper as the trunk closes loudly, leaving you in complete darkness.

…

Aaron Hotchner wrings his hands nervously as he looks out the window again, waiting for your car to pull up. You were never late, but he had to get to work. He couldn’t help but be a little angry that you could be so irresponsible as not to show up and not text him before. Jack runs around the house, bookbag on. Sighing, Aaron picks up his phone and calls his sister-in-law, Jessica.

“Hey, Jessica,” He says as she answers. “I hope your not busy. Is there anyway you could get here and watch Jack for me. Y/N didn’t show up.”

Jessica was always willing to help and was at the house in a matter of minutes, Jack throwing his arms around her. “Hey, Jacky,” She smiles, giving him eskimo kisses. “There’s a note on the porch, Aaron.”

Aaron gets ready to leave and grabs his briefcase. “Thanks, it’s probably a pizza menu,” He walks out the front door and grabs the envelope. Written on the front in messy writing, it says ‘Aaron Hotchner.’ He opens it quickly and his heart stops immediately. A picture of your house and the next is an image of your unconscious body in a trunk.

His heart clenches in his chest, making him feel dizzy. As quickly as he can, he shouts in the house that there’s an emergency and he had to be at work quickly. His hands are shaky as he turns the key in the ignition and makes his way to the FBI Headquarters.

As soon as he’s on the BAU floor, he shouts to meet in the meeting room and is there himself in a matter of seconds, writing down anything he can about Y/N. Rossi, Emily, Derek, Spencer, and JJ are in the room within the next few minutes and sit down. “Jack’s baby sitter was kidnapped. I got this this morning,” He throws down the envelope and the process starts, brainstorming who could have taken you.

…

Derek and Aaron take one SUV, speeding down the road as Aaron puts out the profile for the kidnapper. “We’re looking for a middle-aged, white male. He has a vengeance on me, for taking his brother. The address we are going to is 301 Buck Drive.”

They knew they had him. A man named David Myers had taken you, and Hotch couldn’t help but feel responsible. He could have protected you, could have warned you that this might happen. They’re driving down a long, dirt driveway and as soon as Derek pulled the car into park in front of the run down house, Hotch was out, ready to do anything he could to save you.

“Break down the door, Derek,” Aaron Hotchner instructed and of course, Derek did as he said. Pieces of wood went flying as Derek kicked the door in, screaming “FBI!”

The man who Aaron had described to police emerged from a room in the house, arm around your neck as he put a gun to your head. “I’ll kill her!”

Aaron’s heart wrenches in his chest as he looks at your pale body. Three days had gone by and you had obviously faced a lot of stress. Bruises lined your arms and your eyes were red from crying. You were crying now, your eyes set on Aaron as he looked at you. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” You yell out, trying to reason with everyone. “It’s fine. Nobody has to get hurt.”

“Shut up, b****,” He screams out and you let out a sob, your legs going weak as you squeeze your eyes shut.

Aaron holds his gun up, aimed straight at David’s head, his jaw set and angry. “Let her go, now.” He says firmly, his voice low.

The man smiles. “You’re stuck, Hotchner. You’re not getting out of this.”

As he says this, you raise your eyebrows, trying to get his attention. He looks at you and you try to tell him with your eyes that you have a plan. He catches on and you get ready, biting David’s arm as hard as you possibly could. Blood reaches your mouth and you rip, spitting out the blood and skin you had pulled off. Nothing could have made you feel any worse than you did then as you vomited on the floor.

“Get on the ground! Get on the f***ing ground,” Derek screams as he tackles David to the floor, sitting on top of him and wrenching his arms around so that he can put him in cuffs. Sirens can be heard outside the house and police officers surround the house, running in to help with the arrest. As they pull him out roughly, Aaron runs to you, bringing you in for a hug.

“Are you alright,” He questions as he looks over you for any serious injuries. As he sees you sobbing, he brings you in for a hug. EMTs come in and request to look over her. As much as Aaron would like to sit here with you, he backs up a bit, but still stays for comfort. They soon load her into the ambulance and Aaron follows in behind as they shut the doors.

“Y/N,” He says as he grabs your hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” You say hoarsely, tears in your eyes. “I’m fine, Aaron. I’m fine.”

Aaron pauses for a moment before small tears flood his own eyes. “I love you, Y/N. I love you.”

As he says this, you pull him down and kiss him softly on the lips, pulling back and stroking the side of his face. “I love you too, Aaron. I’m okay.”

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds one shots #criminal minds imagines #reid #spencer reid #Penelope garcia #aaron hotchner #hotch x reader #hotch #aaron x reader #jj #derek morgan #Emily Prentiss #rossi

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mamonthemoon · 6 years ago

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So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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