#and he came outta that with anger issues as do lots of people from abusive homes

[flowers-that-sing]

smthng about how they parallel each other in a way and how 2 childhood abuse survivors can turn out completely different but you can still be a good person and a hero even if youre not the perfect victim (even though this entire parallel seems accidental considering how bakugo's home life isn't prominently featured and his mom hitting him is treated as a haha funny and not as abuse)

...send an ask if you want more of my thoughts on it

[sentfromwolves]

💢🥞🍧🙊📎 for NEMESIS

HELL YEAH I LOVE ANSWERING THINGS ABOUT NEMESIS let's GO! 😤✊

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

There are a lot of them with Nemesis. He's a survivalist with a prickly stray cat mentality, and he embodies the "old habits die hard" mentality but if it were up to him none of them would die ever. Nemesis sleeps as close as he can to a viable escape route (open door, window, fire escape, etc) even if it's uncomfortable or straight up on the floor, even if it makes other people weirded out, and he always keeps a backpack next to him in case he's gotta race outta there like a bat out of hell. Nemesis also has a bad habit of reacting poorly to anything said to him that he perceives as negative or critical, even when that's not the case. He's particularly sensitive to this when people are speaking out of concern for his wellbeing (remarks about his diet, sleeping patterns, relationships, etc). His kneejerk response is to say something savage and often overtly antagonistic in response as a defense mechanism to shove anyone trying to get close away from him. He has severe trust issues, and they manifest with vocal negativity that often isn't genuine despite how it might come across.

🥞 PANCAKE - what is their comfort breakfast?

As soon as Halliday starts making food for Nemesis, his comfort breakfast kind of evolves into anything Halliday makes, which is often fluffy pancakes packed with protein for Nemesis's sake or stuffed omelets and smoothie bowls. Nemesis isn't too particular about what Halliday makes for him; it's more the sense of being cared of that is the ultimate comfort out the gesture. BEFORE Halliday though, Nemesis's comfort food was definitely those ridiculous frozen aisle breakfast corndogs where it's like, sausage wrapped in pancake. He also really liked eggos, but being on the move all the time never left him with a permanent place to make anything other than microwavable meals.

🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?

Nemesis doesn't. He hated his mom, and everything she ever gave him felt like it had fangs that would bite as soon as he turned his back. He set everything on fire that came from her the minute he ran away. Just seeing things that remind him of her or things she gifted him makes Nemesis's skin crawl.

🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?

Not much. Nemesis isn't a preacher, and he keeps so much close to his chest. He has extremely strong believes and opinions and the lens through which he views the world is colored heavily by them, but that doesn't mean he goes around talking about them to anyone, and getting him to open up is like pulling teeth. If anything, Nemesis won't stay quiet in the face of any sort of abuse, especially parental abuse. He'll fight it any way he can, and he won't stay quiet about it no matter what.

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

Nemesis has an unabashed love for raccoons. As a witch, he has the ability of animal communication to a certain extent, and he likes using the local raccoon and rat populations (as well as stray cats) whenever he needs information. They're not the best communicators but Nemesis gets a huge gratification out of hanging out with the local raccoon population (much to Halliday's chagrin)

Come ask my ocs questions!

[outsiderslamb]

Overheated

Ao3 Link

Darry has to confront his own anger issues to be a better friend and brother.

 (2791 words)

(Tw for yelling, panic attacks and talks of abuse)

@naturallesbain @therealsehinton @hellsfanatic @cammie @chaotically-cas

Darry’s aching muscles screamed in protest as he hauled himself out of his chair. His body was still heavy with sweat and exhaustion from his shift, and he did not have the time to lay down. It was getting late and if he didn’t make dinner for these kids then nobody else would.

Lumbering to the kitchen, every utensil, and pot he held felt heavy in his hands. He nearly spilled the soup as he poured it from the can to the pot. Looking out the window, the sun was setting quicker than usual the later it got into the year, so Darry figured he’d call them in for supper early, as it would not be long for the soup to be done.

Heaving to the door, he called everyone in from their game of football. He did a quick headcount to see how many of his adopted family he’d need to feed tonight (anyone not there at the moment would either stop by later or had found a place for the night). There were Ponyboy and Sodapop of course, then Steve and Johnny. That made four, but he’d make a little extra to refrigerate in case anybody else stopped by.

“Hey, hey, y’all get your shoes off now,” Darry ordered as Steve and Ponyboy didn’t seem to get the memo after countless reminders. Telling them once should have been enough, Darry thought as he gritted his teeth.

“Ain’t even that dirty,” Steve replied, infuriatingly. Darry was too tired for this.

“Just get them off.” Darry couldn’t help the bite to his tone. It didn’t bother Steve too much, who just shucked them off and went to talk to Sodapop, but Darry could feel a tension in the room; even as nobody was showing it.

Nobody except Johnny, who Darry noticed was starting to fidget in place. He suddenly stood up and in the most forced-friendly way Darry had ever seen, trotted over to the kitchen. “Here, you need help?” Johnny asked, smiling as though somebody had a gun to his head.

Darry gave a little huff, he would much rather cook alone right now despite usually loving Johnny’s help, but it’d be rude to turn the little guy away. “Yeah.” he gritted out.

As they got to work, Johnny’s presence in that cramped space felt like a barrier. When the younger boy got close to the counter to pour another can of soup into the pot, the noise of sloshing made Darry feel sick.

“I think this would taste better if I added pepper,” Johnny said, standing up on his tip-toes to see into the bowl. “You have any?” he asked.

Darry gave a jerky nod. “Yeah,” he groaned, “In the cupboard,” He then turned back to heating up the stove.

Behind him, he heard Sodapop laughing. “Woah, hey Johnnycakes you tryna crack your skull open?”

Johnny’s reply was a snap “Not my fault y’all won’t invest in a step-stool.”

Darry turned to see Johnny precariously balancing on the countertop, multiple spices gathered up in his thin arms.

“Oi, Johnny!” Darry yelped, bolting to the countertop and grabbing Johnny by the waist. “I outta put you in a helmet if you’re gonna pull this shit, Jesus Christ kid!” he lifted the boy off the counter and held him in the air.

Johnny’s legs kicked a bit where they hovered off the ground, shrinking in embarrassment as Sodapop and Steve burst out laughing.

“Ah c’mon Darry, he couldn’t reach,” Ponyboy called sympathetically.

“Oh I know you ain’t talking, little man, after you snapped your arm like a twig climbing around like that,” Darry growled in response.

Ponyboy looked incredulous. “Yeah when I was six, and my arm didn’t even break it just bruised like a peach.”

“Can I get down now?” Came Johnny’s groan before Darry could come up with some kind of retort.

Darry wasn’t thinking, he just opened his arms and expected Johnny to sort himself out. Of course, Johnny fell like a sack of bricks, and so did the spices.

“Ouch!”

Darry looked down and saw Johnny trying to pick up everything he dropped, he couldn’t help feeling bad. “Sorry,” he grunted, probably not sounding very sorry at all.

“Ain’t no reason to drop him!” Steve stood up, great, another person yelling.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Johnny said, looking more annoyed than actually hurt as he set the spices on the counter and got back to work.

Steve sat back down reluctantly upon seeing that the only thing Darry had bruised was Johnny’s pride. But Sodapop didn’t seem like he wanted to let this situation simmer down.

“Dar’ I think you ought to hit the hay for now.” Said Sodapop, his sympathy sounding a lot like condescension right now.

“I’m just fine, thank you.” Darry snapped back, Sodapop shrank in response, funny he didn’t sound too angry in his head.

He tensed up his sore muscles upon feeling a small finger tap on his shoulder, whipping around way too fast he saw Johnny looking up at him with a worried expression.

“Darry you really need to go take a shower and get some rest, I think you’ve had it hard enough today,” he said nervously.

“I’m busy,” Darry grunted back.

“I can finish dinner,” Johnny offered, “I’ve been cooking for myself for years and-”

“Leave me be, I’m fine.”

“Oh you clearly aren’t, don’t lie to me.”

Darry growled, taking a quick step closer before he could stop himself.

“I SAID LEAVE ME BE!”

Darry had lost his usually tight grip on his temper at that moment. Nobody yells at Johnny in this house, because they all know that he gets enough of it at home. You’d have to be a monster to know what he goes through and still put him through.

Johnny’s face darkened, his eyes wide and he took a step back. Looking closer, Darry realized that fuck he was shaking.

“Shit. Johnnycakes I’m so-” Darry tried but Johnny turned quickly before anyone could see his reaction and walked out the door.

Darry remembered a night a few months ago when he’d snapped like this with Ponyboy, only that time he’d hit him. Darry never thought he’d forgive himself, and he’d been working on controlling his anger for a while. Darry cringed at the thought that he could have hit Johnny or any of his other adopted brothers.

Darry tried to follow, but Sodapop stood up and put a hand on his chest. “Take our advice. Please.” He said, looking tired and disappointed but not angry.

Darry took a step back and headed for the shower. He needed to cool down before anything else.

Johnny couldn’t think of anything as he sat on the porch, knees hugged up close to his chest. His mind was completely static as he stared into nothing, heart racing and breath coming out in ragged gasps.

He shouldn’t have reacted that way. Darry was just frustrated and he dealt with people yelling at him all the time at home. He shouldn’t be such a damned pansy, but he couldn’t help it.

He didn’t hear the door open or any footsteps when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Johnny jerked upwards, eyes huge, but then realized it was just Sodapop.

“Hey, buddy,” came Sodapop’s soft voice, his hand rubbing Johnny’s shoulder through his thick jacket. “Easy now, breath with me.”

Johnny felt Sodapop slide in next to him, wrapping both arms tight around Johnny’s much smaller frame, pulling his friend in close to his chest. Johnny burrowed his face into Sodapop’s shirt, as though it would give him some sort of anonymity while he tried to calm himself down. Tears soaked into the dark fabric.

“I-I usually don’t re… usually don’t react like this.” Johnny cried softly, getting a good hold on his breathing, which was good as he was alrighty starting to get light-headed.

“Its okay, honey, nobody thinks any less of you. Darry’s probably beating himself up over this,” Sodapop reassured, rubbing Johnny’s back. “Buddy, I know something else is going on. You extra stressed? Had a bad day?”

Johnny gave a wobbly sigh, the tears finally slowing. He willed his voice to not waver, “Dad had today off,” was all he needed to say.

Sodapop sighed deeply, honey-colored brows furrowing. Johnny knew how much everyone in his patch-work family wanted to stick it to his biological parents, but he couldn’t let that happen.

“Are you hurt at all?” Sodapop asked after a moment of composing himself. “We have plenty of ice, what, with all the fights our idiots like getting into,” Sodapop smirked and ruffled Johnny’s fluffy hair.

“Golly, Sodapop, y’all don’t have to do that.” Johnny wiped his eyes with his sleeve, face still flushed from crying.

“Don’t you worry about it, little buddy,” Sodapop said, “I do wish you would tell me when the bastard’s hurt you,” Sodapop pulled Johnny closer to him, “You don’t have to make an announcement or nothin’, like when one of the jackasses gets into a fight, just come to me or Darry or anybody else you feel safe with.”

Johnny thought about that. He was used to having to heal his wounds in private, as he hated the whole deal everybody would make out of it when he came in with a black-eye or bruises on his arm.

“Thank you,” Johnny finally said, then with a still-shaky hand, tugged back a tuft of curly black hair to show the swelling bruise at the corner of his forehead. “I got pushed over, hit my head on the corner of the counter,” he said. This, as bad as it was, was on the more mild side of the things Johnny had endured.

Sodapop cringed, his warm brown eyes glowing with sadness. “Oh Johnnycakes,” he reached out and gently touched his friend’s cheek. Johnny did not flinch away. “Let’s get some ice on that.”

Johnny nodded, a pang of guilt hitting him. Sodapop was clearly troubled by this, Johnny should not be finding joy in his friend’s reaction to his pain.

“Hey, did dinner just get left on the stove?” he asked, remembering that he’d dropped everything to run outside.

Sodapop shook his head, seeming to cheer up a little. “Nup, Ponyboy and Steve-o are on it.”

Johnny blanched. “We better hurry back then…” Sodapop seemed to agree.

Upon entering the house, Johnny was greeted by loud arguing coming from the kitchen, (Of course, he’d expected no less) and the faint hissing of the shower in the background.

“Put the goddamn ladle down, this shit ain’t done!” Steve barked at Ponyboy, who was trying to taste the steaming cauldron on the stove.

“I’m trying to see what we need to add.” Ponyboy defended himself, pulling out a scoop of the thick liquid and taking a slurp without even blowing on it. He nearly dropped the ladle and yelped, running to the sink to run his tongue under cool water while Steve guffawed.

“What's it need, mr. Chef sir?” Steve teased organizing the spices on the countertop.

“It probably needs to cool, given Horseboy’s caterwauling.” Johnny chided, trotting into the kitchen, he was well aware that his face was probably still red from crying.

Steve turned to Johnny with surprise, then cracked one of his gap-toothed grins. “Hey, little chiefs feelin’ better,” he said, setting the cinnamon down to screw up Johnny’s hair.

Ponyboy tried to say something from the sink, but it was muffled by the sound of running water. Johnny smiled at him, “Yeah, I’m doing better now. Move over, I gotta help you guys.”

Sodapop cleared his throat from the couch, reminding Johnny that he still needed to get the ice. Johnny nodded to him. “I’ll do it after I’m done with this disaster.”

Darry turned off the water, feeling the cold chill of the surrounding air hit him fast as he was no longer being pelted with steaming hot water.

He toweled off and headed to his bedroom to get dressed, but not before stopping to listen by the door; He counted two voices. It sounded like Steve and Ponyboy were trying to cook. That thought horrified him and he had to resist the urge to run out in nothing but a towel to make sure they didn’t burn the house down. But when Johnny’s voice joined them, he knew the crisis had been averted.

Oh.

For a moment he’d nearly forgotten what had recently transpired. He knew he technically should follow Sodapop’s advice and get some sleep before trying to fix his mess, but there's no way he could sleep with this weighing on his mind.

As he got dressed, he kept listening. Johnny’s voice was… normal. It didn’t sound too wet or too upset, that forcefully cheery attitude from earlier was completely gone. He sounded fine.

Darry thought about that. Johnny would force a smile and his voice would rise in pitch sometimes during times of conflict. But only ever during an infight in the gang. It was strange because he clearly wasn’t like that all the time, but then it hit Darry; that was his way of diffusing situations.

That only made him feel more guilty. Johnny was trying to fix the situation, and he’d gone and yelled at him. Darry wanted to hide but knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. He was going to make this right.

He finished buttoning up his new shirt and stepped out into the living area.

Upon stepping outside, he saw that Steve and Ponyboy were sitting on the couch with the TV playing, but they were arguing with Johnny and Sodapop, who were both in the kitchen fixing dinner.

“I’m perfectly capable! I ain’t the one here who pressed my whole hand on the stove!” Steve shouted at Sodapop, who was pointing a wooden spoon at him.

“That was ONCE when I was SIX, Steven Lucas Randle!” Sodapop bit back, ouch, full name, never good.

“He’s done more stupid stuff if you want examples.” Ponyboy piped up from where he was curled up in the corner of the couch.

“See, Baby Horse agrees with me,” Steve said one of the rare times he’d side with the kid.

“What the hell did I walk into?” Darry groaned light-heartedly from the hallway.

There was a moment of tense silence where everybody turned to look at him. Though it only lasted a heartbeat, Darry still felt as though he could cut the tension with a knife.

“Civil war.” Said Johnny from the kitchen, finally. “We banished them for their foolishness and now they’re trying to reclaim their territory.” with that, the tension in the room eased.

Darry let out the breath he didn’t notice he was holding. “Hey Johnnycakes, how are you feeling?”

Johnny set the ladle back in the soup and trotted over to Darry, nobody said a word as the two looked at each other.

“I’m better.” Johnny looked a little nervous, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “Just…” He took a deep breath. “Had a bad day, so I overreacted.”

“Oh, Johnny, I was the one who overreacted,” Darry said softly, reaching out to Johnny to touch his shoulder, but staying his hand before he could out of fear the boy would flinch from his touch. “I’m so sorry.”

Johnny sighed, looking away. Darry could almost see the way his heartbeat in his chest. But then, he crossed the gap between them and pushed his forehead against Darry’s chest, wrapping his thin arms around the man.

Darry froze instantly, he was not expecting this at all. Before he could hesitate anymore, he wrapped Johnny up in his arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He kept whispering, feeling as though he would cry. Fuck, he couldn’t cry right here in front of everybody. In truth, Darry felt like he’d failed Johnny. He’d promised him over and over again that he’d keep him safe, then he’d gone and acted like the very person putting Johnny in danger.

He remembered Ponyboy’s face when he struck him that night and the misery that had come with knowing that he, his brother’s GUARDIAN for fucks sake, had just turned on him.

“I’ll do better,” Darry vowed into Johnny’s ear, voice soft and cracking with tears. “I promise.”

Johnny sighed shakily, pressing back. “I know, I’m not afraid of you I promise. You can act big n’ tough but you don’t scare me.”

Darry chuckled a little bit, only letting go when Johnny did. With that, the tension in the room was absolved.

“Hey teddy bear, dinners ready,” Sodapop called from the kitchen, and Darry sighed, feeling a weight lifted from his chest.

“Be right there to help, Pepsi-cola.”

[thrillsxchills]

{TW} Orion is obviously one of my more demented children and his whole life is a trigger warning, so please avoid reading this if your triggers contain the following -- depression, abandonment, hallucinations, drugs, violence, substances abuse, blood, abuse/mental & physical, bullying, self harm+un-alive thoughts, dissociating. (That’s a lot & i’m sorry but Orion has a HISTORY.)

Orion is my first and oldest baby I’ve had. He’s developed A LOT over the years, but for the new members I’m going to start all the way from the beginning so enjoy this looong ride. People like Z and Ali remember big bad old orion, that was something 😅

(tw; about death)Orion was an odd kid growing up, he had an usual obsession with death and creepy things. Cemetery's, bugs, and the supernatural. It was hard to make friends with other kids because of his unusual interests and the fact that his family was high class and his father wouldn’t let Orion associate himself with ‘poor people’.

(tw: family abuse) Orion hated and still hates his father with a passion. Nothing Orion ever did impressed his father. He rarely took interest in his one and only son. He only seemed to show up to physically abuse Orion over the smallest things. Orion’s only friend as a child was his mother, she was literally his saving grace.

{tw: abandonment/dissociating) Orion’s mother Cora is sweet and angelic like. However from his father's abuse she became numb and seemed to dissociate often. But Orion still took comfort in his mother's arms. Until one day his mother couldn’t take it anymore. While she wanted to take her son with her, she couldn’t. Orion’s dad’s family was the one with all the money. Cora had nothing to her name. If she took Orion he wouldn’t have a home or all the opportunities that money offered. So she left and it took everything she had left to do it.

(tw: abuse) Once Cora left the picture Orion’s fathers abuse only became worse. Taking out his wifes disappearance out on Orion. Screaming at the top of the lungs asking where Cora was. Orion didn’t know, he was just as clueless as his father but he didn’t believe him.

(tw: substance abuse) that’s when Orion started using drinking and smoking as a coping mechanism from a young age. He’d smoke any chance he got hiding the buds in his dresser drawer and his whiskey bottles in the boxes of his old shoes. It was his only escape from his shitty reality and his father.

(tw: reason for living) that all changed when Jakob Skellington came into the picture. They met at school and formed a quick lasting bond. Orion confided all his secrets and hobbies within Jakob and the boy never judged him. Orion finally found a best friend and a reason for staying alive at that point in time. Problem was their families had a long lasting feud over something stupid. So the two were banned from seeing each other. That didn’t stop them however. The two would sneak to each others house in the middle of the night or sneak off to hang out at Hallow Falls cemetery.

(tw: abandonment/bullying) however the friendship didn’t last long as intended. Because Jack was Orion’s only friend he became possessive over their relationship. Especially when Serena & Zeke entered the picture. They were getting to close to Jakob and Orion hated it. He began to loathe the two. So Orion did the only thing he knew how to do which is what he learned from his father. He began to bully Serena and Zeke to the point that Jack had to step in and defend Zeke and Serena. This felt like a betrayal to Orion. So Orion made an ultimatum. It was him or the two friends Jack barely knew. Jack chose them and Orion has held a resentment ever since. Quickly turning to the Teague's and using them to bully Zeke and Serena through them.

(tw: violence/blood/ suicidal thoughts) now entering his high school years Orion felt abandoned. He had no one but himself. Sure he had the Teagues but he felt that friendship was only extended because they did his bidding in exchange for things. Orion began skipping school more, starting fights for the hell of it. A couple of those fights he almost couldn’t walk away from him. Leaving his body beaten and bloodied in the back ally. Tiffani & Hallie nursed him back to health. But that didn’t stop him. He continued to get black out drunk and start fights. He wanted to feel something/and nothing all at the same time. He wanted to die.

(tw: substance abuse /hallucinations) Orion really thought he was going to die, he was drinking so much that he barely hanging onto his acceptance into Walt by a thread. His father kept bribing the school with money to keep him enrolled. He was known to students as the boogie man/feared by most people except a girl named Hallie. She tried to get him to be a better person. Which it didn’t happen all at once, it was slow. But once Orion realized all the people who had been hurt by his actions. his reality soon came crashing down. He began hearing things. like actual voices talking him. telling him that he was worthless, that he couldn’t be anything more than a monster. he could barely sleep without drinking himself to sleep. he even sought out a pastor to see if his soul was worth redeeming. Here is a self para about that time [SELF PARA HERE] Here is another self para about reuniting with his mother and standing up to his father. [READ HERE] read at viewers own discretion.!

(tw: trauma) It took time but he began to heal from his trauma. Does that mean he’s a better man now? Not exactly, but he knows how to control his temper and not to completely act on his impulsive anger issues that were handed down from his father. He’s not bad, but he’s not good either. He’s reunited with his mother and already forgiven her. He didn’t hesitate that was his mom after all. Him and his father only meet up if they have too after having their showdown a couple of years ago, which is how Orion prefers it anyway. Certain things still trigger Orion but for the most part he’s charming as hell but still intimidating as fuck. He only gets his  hands dirty when he needs too.

OKAY! So that’s a lot and that’s the best I can summarize about my boys development over the last six years! Now for some light hearted head canons,yeah? I think I need therapy from writing all that.

(tw: smoking) you will never see Orion without a cigarette in his hand/mouth. from a young age smoking became a comfort. he doesn’t need it as much as he did back then but its more of a security thing now.

he has a lucky lighter he won from a bar fight. it’s a red zippo lighter in the shape of two pieces of dice. Snake eye’s to be exact.

because of his interest in bugs and reptiles he has a black snake tattoo the looks like its wrapped around his forearm. looks something like this [IMAGE HERE] 

Older Orion has a small tattoo on each of his fingers representing his children. A bat for Axel, Nova is a star, Sage for Sage (but looks more like a flower), and the moon for Draco.

Orion enjoys being isolated/alone that’s when he feels most like himself. despite his background Orion does quite  well in social situations. he adapts to new environments easily and can be quite charming if you’re on his good side.

Orion prefers the more expensive liquor since that's what he grew up with but his favorite and comfort drink is whiskey with ice.

When Orion is alone he enjoys reading/learning about new topics. He’s well educated but most people don’t experience that side of him.

he hates the holidays, for obvious reasons. doesn’t mind Halloween though.

he has a hate/love relationship with the Teague siblings. Logan annoys the hell outta of him, Beckham is stand-offish and Sadie is the only one he truly gets along with. But deep down their Orion’s only friends and he appreciates them. Will he tell them that? Not until hell freezes over.

Orion’s zodiac sign is Sagittarius

Orion doesn’t keep up with his casino daily- the assets yes, but the actual place no. However he does show up every once in awhile to cheat people out of their money. What can i say he’s a gamblin man.

.Spoken Word/Singing is Orion’s favorite music genre. he’ll go to the grave denying that but he relates to a lot of the bands like la dispute, hobo johnson, front porch step. But he enjoys most kind of music. His most recently played song is Self Care by Mac Miller. [LISTEN HERE]

Now when it comes to Sadie Teague things are different. She’s the only person that really challenges him. He admires her perseverance and her will to do things on her own. Their relationship is complicated. Friends? Friends with Benefits? But his feelings are starting to get intertwined, but how to express feelings he’s never felt before?

favorite color is red

Vitani also intrigues him/she’s not annoying like regular happy go lucky people. He enjoys her company, maybe he’ll ask if she needs a job at the casino.

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons pt 16

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

BIG WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, DRUGS

This will be a multi chapter series with fluff, smut, angst, all the things

Friday-fourth week of school

Billy's POV

"Hey man, your girl needs to be picked up."

I scoffed at Tommy over the phone, "I'm on lockdown, Hall. And anyway she's not my girl now."

Tommy groaned, "whatever fight you caused, apologize, she's off the handle."

"Off the handle, how?"

I could hear music and people shouting in the background, causing Tommy's voice to raise, "those creeps from out of town are back, they've been hanging around her... She's high man, outta her mind high."

I bristled, anger spiking through me, "I haven't seen her all week, she's been avoiding me. Try someone else, call me back if there's nobody else and I'll figure something out."

"Yeah, okay."

"Hall?"

"What?"

I huffed, wiping my hand across my face, "keep an eye on her until someone gets her?"

Tommy sighed, "yeah, sure, okay."

Cat's POV

Steve picked me up from the party, angry that he had been getting his own buzz on and was called to come get me. Dragged me away would be a better description, I just was feeling so good. I had been drunk enough not to care about joining a group of pot heads and was thoroughly out of my mind. Steve had to pull a guy off my face in order to drag me away, I just wanted to be touched, to feel good, normal.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He growled once he had stuffed me in the car.

"Mmm I just, just want to be normal."

"Well this is not normal, you've been moping around all week and now you're sneaking off to get fucked up."

"You know what, Steve? Nobody, nobody fucking asked you," I mumbled, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"You asked for my help and I helped you, remember? I'm still trying to help you but I can't do anything if you're not trying to help yourself," Steve sighed, pulling the car into his driveway.

I huffed, quietly glaring out the window for the rest of the drive. When we got back to Steve's, he basically had to carry me inside and was trying his best to get me to go to bed.

"You need to sleep it off, Cat."

"But Steeevviiieee."

"No, nope, go to sleep," he grumbled from the door, "I'll be back."

I whined, shuffling around in his sheets to wrap myself up in the softness. When he came back he had a large glass of water and two Tylenol, only two, he'd hidden all the medication in his house when he brought me here and doled it out to me like a nurse when needed.

Spending the week with Steve hadn't been too bad, he had been strict but it was kind of nice to have someone around who cared. He'd started going for runs with me to make sure I was okay after he had woke up Monday morning to me being "missing" and he had called all the kids with a code red and had a fit when I finally came back to his house sweaty and out of breath. He'd also been trying to force me to eat, shoving food at me and watching until I took a bite and frowning every time I walked around with my giant cup of Diet Coke. We'd fought about that on Tuesday, after a few days of that being my main source of food, Steve had exploded, his emotions still running high from finding me. The rest of the week had been nicer, easier, after Steve had unloaded his pent up emotions but I could tell when he sat down to drink a couple beers before sliding into bed beside me every night that it still weighed on him.

Steve crawled the bed beside me and I rolled over, placing my hands on his chest, fingers curling into his warmth and shifted closer to him. His breath smelled of beer, like he had chugged one or two more before coming to bed.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you love me?"

He choked, surprised by how straight forward I was, "what?"

"Do you?" I tipped my head up to look at his confused face.

"I saved your life."

"That's not the question, Steve."

"Of course I do, I wouldn't have brought you here if I didn't care about you. But not, I'm not like, in love with you, you know? I love you as my friend."

I smiled, "I love you too, Stevie. As a friend."

He smirked, a light laugh shaking his chest. Slowly, I inched my face closer to his, "Steve?"

He gulped, "y-yeah?"

"Do you trust me?"

Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the movement of the pillow when he nodded.

"Can I try something?"

Steve nodded again and I pushed myself forward until our lips met and felt the shocked noise he made vibrate through my lips.

"Cat," he breathed, "what? You're drunk and, and what about Billy?"

"Steve. I can't be with him if I can't get past this. I can't be with anybody, I just, I need to feel normal, I need to try, Stevie. Please? It won't, won't mean anything."

Steve hummed, "Cat.."

"Please?"

"I mean..sure? Are you sure?"

I nodded, rolling over top of him. He let out a shaky breath under me before I kissed him. His lips were so soft against mine, it was strange compared to Billy's rough lips. The drugs and alcohol were effecting me though and I couldn't stop the moan that bubbled up in my throat when his tongue swept along my lip. Slowly, I slid my hands down his sides, feeling him tense under my cool fingers. Steve's hands came up to my hips, gripping tightly and I whimpered into his mouth.

He broke the kiss and looked at me, "you okay?"

"Mhm," I nodded, " just, uhm, gentle, okay?" My heart was starting to pound and I took a deep breath to steady myself.

"Yeah, yep, okay," he murmured, loosening his hands on me.

A low groan built in Steve's throat as I sucked under his jaw and pressed light kisses down to his collarbone. I slid my body down Steve's chest, stopping just above his boxers to look up at him. Steve met my gaze with plush lips parted, a sigh escaping him when I kissed the dip of his hips. I hooked my fingers in his boxers and slowly pulled them down, freeing his cock. I ran my tongue up his shaft, flicking up at the tip before taking him into my mouth.

Steve's head tipped back into the pillows, "oh, jesus."

I hummed, bobbing up and down and using my hand to stroke him. Steve's hips twitched up when I sucked on his head, a low whine coming from his lips. Slowly, I began working his cock into my throat, taking it as far as I could before coming back up to suck his tip. Steve's curses and moans filled the room as I kept up the slow, leisurely pace. I splayed a hand on his stomach, feeling him shiver and pant under my touch.

"Cat, oh fuck, I," he groaned, wrapping his hand around mine.

I brought my head up, smirking at his whine, "feel good, Stevie?"

"Yes," he hissed, "please, oh fuck, please."

I hummed, taking his cock back in my mouth and sucked him harder, faster until. Until Steve's fingers clenched around mine and I held him in my throat, swallowing his cum. Breathless, I stripped my pajama bottoms off and slid up his chest until I was straddling his waist. Steve's arms slid up my sides, pulling me down to his chest.

He nuzzled into my neck, softly kissing along my pulse, "holy shit, Cat, you...you're...amazing."

I smiled, arching into his kiss and felt him shifting and lifting me so he was sitting against the headboard with me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, one hand sliding into his hair and the other grabbing his shoulder. Steve nosed along my jaw and placed kisses along my temple, cheek and the corner of my mouth. I sighed into his mouth when our lips met and gently rocked my hips against him. I could feel him half hard against my leg as he reached down to grab the hem of my shirt.

"This okay?" He breathed.

I nodded, lip between my teeth as he pulled my shirt up and off. Steve groaned and cupped the side of my face in his hand, his other hand loosely wrapped around my waist. I turned my head into his palm, the smooth pad of his thumb rubbing gently against my cheek.

I let out a shakey breath into his hand and wrapped my hands around his shoulders as I rolled my hips into him again, feeling his cock grind against me.

Steve cleared his throat, "there's..uh, condoms in the drawer, uhm...if..you know.." he stammered, motioning towards his bedside table.

I laughed and reached over to fumble in the drawer for a foil, dropping it on the bed beside us. Just in case nothing happened. I lifted myself up so that his cock was just barely pressing into me. That alone was enough to make my heart start racing and my hands start to shake against his shoulders. I whimpered, chest starting to heave with panicked breaths and dropped my face into his shoulder when tears sprung to my eyes.

"Hey," Steve whispered into my ear, pressing his lips to the side of my face, "hey, you're safe. I've got you, you're safe, I got you." He smoothed his hands down my back, "just tell me what you need, Cat, okay?"

I nodded, a few tears falling into his shoulder as a sob ripped through my chest.

"I'm sorry, Stevie."

He shushed me, kissing my hair softly, "don't be sorry. We don't have to, you can stop.. if you need to."

I sniffed, let out a couple shaky breaths and dropped back down into his lap, his cock pressed between us. Steve wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest and ran his hands up and down my back while I cried. His nose buried in my hair as he shushed me and waited for me to calm down.

After a while I succeeded in pushing down my panic enough to try again. I knotted my hand in his hair as we kissed, moaning with him as his cock stiffened again. Slowly, I worked up the courage to slide down onto his cock, both of us gasping loudly as he filled me. Steve's head tipped back against the headboard with a loud groan as I started grinding against him. I kept slowly rocking into him, only stopping when he instinctively grabbed my hips, fingers digging in a little too hard.

"S-Stevie," I whimpered, a shaking hand pressed against his bicep.

He stopped with a small whine, taking a second to realize what was wrong and loosened his grip, "shit, I'm sorry, I didn't...just..if you want to keep going we should uh.." he pointed at the condom on the bed.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I breathed.

--

Another panic attack hit me after he came again, ruining the post orgasm high with my hyperventilating and crying. Steve's face had been so full of worry when I started crying, he grabbed my face and curled his body around my own.

"Cat, did I do something wrong? Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I whimpered, shaking my head and dug my fingers into his arms. He held me tight until my sobs quieted down and then leaned back to look at my face, his chest slick with my tears.

"Cat?"

I just shook my head and pushed myself off the bed to find clothes, feeling extra naked, exposed. I knew that the marks on my skin made Steve upset, that they were part of the reason why Steve had sucked down beer every night before bed and just wanted to cover up. He waited until I slid back into the warm sheets after pulling on one of his sweaters and curled me into his arms, nuzzling into me to press kisses along my face.

"Sorry, Stevie," I murmured, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up...I'm sorry I keep dragging you down with me."

Steve leaned back to look at me, "hey, hey, look at me, Cat. Don't apologize, okay? You're not dragging me down. I promise." He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed the tears from my cheek, "now, stop crying, okay?"

--

It was early in the morning when we were forced to wake up. The pounding on the front door shocked Steve and I awake, scrambling out of each other's arms. Rocky paced the room, barking as Steve jumped into a pair of sweatpants, almost falling on his face trying to pull them up.

I snorted and slowly rolled out of the bed, my head throbbing, "Steve, Tylenol."

The doorbell started ringing, whoever was at the door obviously impatient.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, it's hidden under the sink in my parent's bathroom," he rushed, one hand on the bedroom door. "Cat," he looked back at me, a stern look on his face, "two. I'll know if you take any more than that."

--

Billy's POV

I bounced on my feet, waiting for fucking Harrington to open the door, my anger rising the longer I waited. Finally, I heard the lock click back and he pulled the door open. Steve had obviously just rolled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of dark sweatpants and his hair a tousled mess. Held back by his hand was...Rocky?

"What are you doing here, Hargrove?"

I motioned towards the dog, "is that Cat's dog?"

Steve's eyebrows knit together, "yeah, and?"

My jaw ticked, "why is Rocky here?"

He went quiet for a second, "she asked me to take him for a couple days. What do you need, Hargrove?"

I noticed the light purple bruise under his jaw, and thought of the string of fading bruises on my own neck that started in the same spot.

"Tommy called me last night, said Cat needed a ride home."

"And?"

I swept my tongue across my bottom lip, hands flexing against my legs, "she wasn't home, Harrington. Where's my girl?"

Steve bristled, "last I heard, she wasn't your girl."

"Misunderstanding," I ground out, itching to put my fist through his pretty face.

"Well she's not here, Tommy called me so I picked her up and took her home. Maybe she went out."

I could see the panic in Steve's eyes when he heard footsteps approaching. Over his shoulder I saw Cat come down the hallway, dressed in black leggings and one of Steve's sweaters. The sleeves hung almost to the end of her fingers, in any other instance it would have looked cute but seeing her here, in Harrington's fucking house, wearing his fucking clothes after seeing him half naked and bruised was enough to set me off.

"Steve? Who's at the..." her eyes widened when she saw me, "B.."

"You fucking whore," I spat, "I knew it. I knew you were fucking him and I was stupid enough to believe you for a second!"

She cowered a bit, wrapping her arms around herself, "no, B, you don't understand, I swear."

I growled, "save it. Everything you say is bullshit, Cat. You could have just told me you'd rather be with fucking Harrington."

Tears sprung to her already puffy eyes as she tried to step forward towards me, stopped only by Steve pushing Rocky into her.

"Take Rocky outside."

"Steve, you-"

He didn't even look at her, just stayed glaring at me, "not asking."

She looked between us, concerned but when neither of us moved she gave Rocky's collar a tug and led him to the back of the house. I waited until I Cat was well out of range before stepping up to Steve, our chests inches from each other.

"Wanna tell me why the fuck you lied to me, Harrington?"

Steve squared his shoulders, trying to hide the fear that crossed his face, "misunderstanding."

"No, no, I understand perfectly. You cozied up to her and fucked her right under my nose. But hey, she wants to whore around you can have her," I sneered, fingers flexing.

Steve pressed a finger to my chest, "listen, asshole-"

My fist cracked across Steve's jaw, sending him stumbling back a step. I followed him into his house and sent him sprawling to the floor with another well aimed punch. I pounced on him, letting my anger take over as I pummeled his face with my fists. I barely flinched the couple times he managed to land a punch, I was so focused on wanting to kill Steve Harrington. I felt something pull on my shoulders and twisted to push it away. There were hands grabbing at me that I brushed off. Before I realized it Cat had thrown herself between Steve and I, my fist slamming into her back with a momentum I couldn't stop. A force that was meant to break Steve. Her scream tore through the house, cutting through my anger and I felt like my soul had been wrenched from my body at the realization of what I had done. Cat wrapped herself tighter around Steve, her body shielding his face and sobbed.

"Cat.." I breathed, leaning back and panting heavily.

"Billy, please, you don't understand," she cried, turning her tear streaked face to look at me.

I slowly got to my feet, unable to register anything past my shock and left, left Cat sobbing over Steve's bloody face. I shakily got into my car and drove away slamming my fist into my steering wheel, her scream still echoing in my mind.

@charmed-asylum @savagesuccubus @elsie2018 @speedmetalqueen

[foxglovesound]

(feel free to mix the questions and the cats btw!) cuckoochirp, nightthroat, rosepaw, otterpaw, chubstream and 14, 18, 28, 50, 66, and legally i have to say 69 cos im gay

“69 cos im gay”

YOU

im doing all bc i AM bastard and love to chatter abt my bastard ocs

14. Do they have someone that they consider to be a family member, even if they’re not related to your character by blood? What was one of your character’s favourite moments with them, and what makes them so special to them?

CUCKOOCHIRP || hmmm let’s see….excluding his family (breamcloud, eveningscale, mintcloud, vervainstripe), then that would have to be Appleleaf, the ShadowClan seer! I’ve mentioned before that hazelnose was suffering from memory loss/degradation towards the mid/end of cuckoothroat’s apprenticeship and appleleaf was the one who stepped up and helped him with his training. Cuckoochirp came to both care about and admire appleleaf and they are always the first cat that cuckoochirp turns to when he needs advice or tips. They’re a very talented medicine cat and clever/crafty, which cuckoochirp also looks up to a lot; the duo developed a mentor-apprentice like relationship from early on and they’re both always excited to see each other. Cuckoochirps favorite moments with appleleaf were probably general training times! Appleleaf naturally couldnt just up and leave shadowclan for days, so theyd come by and visit or cuckoo would scamper on off to shadowclan for seer advice and lessons!  Cuckoochirp thinks of the times when they’d both walk around the territories and examine herbs and their uses very fondly! 

NIGHTTHROAT || OUGH OBVIOUS ANSWER BUT vervainstripe! Vervainstripe was the first friend nightthroat ever made in riverclan and i just dropped a little fic that touched up on their kind of dynamic just now but!!! Theyre very close and best friends, and nightthroats pretty much been absorbed into vervainstripes family because of how vervain as an apprentice would basically drag/invite night onto every endeavor or task at any opportunity he could!!!! Nightthroats favorite moments with vervainstripe would be their time alone when he and vervain would/do go out on walks. Vervain tends to ramble about a lot of things all at once and night might not believe in everything vervain chatters about he still listens fondly and endearingly bc he just loves it when his little buddy talks!Hes also pretty close with his apprentice shrewpaw! Theyre both rather mellow/logical cats and shrew actually went to night first about his gender issues and once he worked through it with nightthroat he went on to tell his family and the rest of his clan!

ROSEPAW || rosepaws got quite the growing amount of friends HA…besides his blood family in riverclan (hornetflower, beestorm and lightningface, honeystream), rosepaws closest to sootpaw, rookpaw and minkclaw! He used to be really close to swallowfang (his old windclan mentor) but after swallowfang helped orchestrate rosepaws escape from winclan (in secret) she had to drop contact with him in case yellow or gray go too suspicious. Besides that, rookpaw was one of rosepaws only friend in windclan (sycamorepaw/smokepaw/willowpaw were/are his friends but they were usually bustled away from contact with rosepaw bc the adults just. Wanted the kids to stay out of the drama). Rookpaw had been rosepaw’s best friend since their nursery days and when rosepaw was confined to the seer’s den, rookpaw would often worm his way into the den despite the disapproval of others and care for/curl around rosepaw (he’d bring him food and groom him as well). Rookpaw took a lot of care of rosepaw when he was still in windclan and he still keeps a good ear out for him now that rose is in riverclan!Now onto SOOTSY ROLL and MINKSTER….sootpaw was rosepaws first friend when he joined riverclan and as ive mentioned before they hit it off real quick due to their feelings of not having enough ties within riverclan! They quickly became best friends and, thanks to the fact that their mentors are also best friends, the duo practically do everything together in riverclan! Rose often drags soot along for things and soot makes sure that his dumb ass doesnt like, slam face first into a hive of bees (they have a very hornet-mink kind of friendship except soot can also be pretty reckless, but she’s grown a bit more hesitant/careful since the event with ashpaw happened). And mink/rose are obviously close because mink helped with rose’s rescue mission and now, as his mentor, the two spend a lot of time together. Rose has come to view mink in a very comforting position - almost like a better older sister or maybe even a mother figure (though he typically jokingly refers to hornetflower as mom). Theyre very attached to each other and care abt each other a lot!!!

OTTERPAW || once again excluding his blood relatives (lampreyface, shrewpaw, harrierpaw and cricketkit!), otterpaw is closest to hollypaw and chubstream! Ur gonna see a lot of really close-knit mentor/apprentice relationships in this story FHBDSHFD its rare to find a set who didnt like each other (i mean it happens but its just unusual)Hollypaw is otterpaws best friend since the nursery days as well, and although otterpaw is skilled at caring for kits and nursery issues, hollypaw is the one who steps up and takes care of otterpaw. Otter tends to be reckless when paired up with cats his age, and with his history with his father elmfoot, holly is quick to jump to otters defense in any time of need. In fact, it was hollypaw and sootpaw who were the ones who rescued otterpaw from his dad one day and holly literally fought elmfoot for otterpaw while soot ran off to get help. Theyre still super close and because of how close they are gorsefang is also on relatively good terms with otterpaw - they can be rather brunt and emotionally distant but theyve accepted otterpaw into their family as hollypaw’s best friend and gorse will get involved in trouble if it means protecting their son and his best friend from danger!Chubstream is also naturally close to otterpaw because chub is his mentor! Chub was ecstatic when otterpaw came to caretaking and was assigned as his apprentice and chub is a very encouraging and sweet figure in otterpaws life!Also of course rosepaw and otterpaw are growing closer but theyre not like family close lol theyre just good fwiends

CHUBSTREAM || CHUBBY BUBBY… i mentioned earlier that otterpaw/chubstream are close of course so besides that and his blood relatives (briarflower, minkclaw), chubstream is particularly tight with craneheart and even gorsefang, surprisingly! I mentioned earlier (again audhfusidf) that gorsefang had good terms with otterpaw, and as both chub + gorse are caretakers they found themselves hanging out more and more as otterpaws training went on. Chub however has always been pretty close with craneheart, and he was particularly involved in sootkit’s (and ashkit’s) nursery days when they were brought to riverclan. The three are good friends and although gorsefang comes off a little distant, they all care abt each other nonetheless

18.  Does your character believe the ends justify the means? No matter who they have to step on to reach their goals?

CUCKOOCHIRP || nnnnnnnnno honestly. Cuckoo is very empathetic and the idea of hurting others or stepping on others reaaaally doesnt sit right with him. He doesnt agree that the ends justify the means especially if youre hurting, damaging or even killing someone in the process and this is one of the few things that can land you in permanent hot water with mr cuckoochirp 

NIGHTTHROAT || hmm this one i gotta think about. I think nightthroat would agree with this but there’d have to be a limit? Of course he doesnt agree with getting others hurt bc huoy but he also doesn’t like the idea of being stagnant just because ur afraid of confrontation. Hes good at speech and talking and if theres something that needs to get done he’d rather talk it out or talk out a way that doesn’t end up hurting anyone emotionally/mentally or physically - but he does understand the idea in the most extreme circumstances.

ROSEPAW || another toughy! Rose doesnt agree with hurting others but hes okay with playing with peoples feelings and hes known to flirt and be cutesy/pretty when he wants something (hornetflower has given a lecture or too bc sometimes rose will try to flirt with an apprentice in another clan to will them to give him their most recent fresh catch lmao) but he doesnt agree with it if its like. Physically or extremely damaging, you know? In minor cases hes okay with it and even does it but in the grand scheme hes not fond of it lol

OTTERPAW || also a BIG no like cuckoochirp! Otter dealt with a lot of horrible shit from his father that could be boiled down to “the end (making otterpaw stronger for survival) justified the means (abusing him)” so he doesnt agree with it at all. However hes not exactly the most caring of others? He cares a lot about kits in the nursery and works well with them, but cats his age and older he can come off as kinda stand-offish and when it comes to drama like someone getting hurt by another persons path, he tends to stay out of it

CHUBSTREAM || another no! Chubs empathetic like cuckoo and he actively will get pissed at you if you hurt someone just because they were in the way of what you wanted. Hes not easy to anger but this will be something that really pisses him off

28.  When your character was younger, how did they picture themselves growing up? Does it differ from how they really turned out?Leaving otter and rose outta this one bc they are still….relatively young lol theyre only about 10 - 11 moons currently

CUCKOOCHIRP || cuckoo had a lot of self esteem issues growing up. He wasnt bad at training as a warrior, but he wasnt happy and it wasnt sitting with him so around them he probably pictured his grown up self as just. Another face in the crowd? Nothing special or important - when he went into seer training, his mood brightened a lot but his moods take major dips after losses, especially after the loss of robinstream and hazelnose. then , his future self would switch based on his mood: sometimes he pictured himself as well liked and a crafty seer who went down in history with a positive note, or on bad days he imagined he’d end up as a disaster seer that ran riverclan into the ground. Nowadays hes a good seer - he’s good at his job and he’s great at making friends and alliances, and pretty popular amongst the population of the season change setting!

NIGHTTHROAT || nightthroat when he was a kid probably didnt see his future self as..even existing. His mother constantly told him how hard life was and he trained under her strictly learning how to survive - his mother had lost litters before due to inexperience and by the time she had night, her biggest focus was making sure he had learned enough to survive. Any idea of his future self that night had wouldve boiled down to either being dead due to external forces or a hardened rogue living on his own, and rather lonely. However he joined riverclan and now he’s got friends that he loves and cares for deeply and his life isnt nearly as hardened or lonely as he initially imagined it would be

CHUBSTREAM || pretty cut and dry! He imagined he’d live a long happy life with his mother and sister in riverclan, and he’s growing up that path right now! He’s very content in life and with the place he’s at right now

50.  What’s their earliest memory?

CUCKOOCHIRP || goofing off with his siblings in the nursery den as his mothers watched on fondly 

NIGHTTHROAT || hiding out with his mom underneath a man-made object from the rain, seeking shelter until the storm passed and his mom would take him out onto a hunting trip

ROSEPAW || wrestling or playing a game with rook while his older siblings campionfang and thriftfoot watched on, occasionally dipping in with their own game for the two kits - he’d rarely see his father or yellowtail, but at least he had those three.

OTTERPAW || squashed beneath harrierkit as he tried to get away from a bath session lampreyface demanded, before wriggling out from underneath his older brother and shuffling next to shrewkit, safely wrapped up in lampreyface’s thick-furred, warm tail

CHUBSTREAM || minkkit nibbling on his ear in the middle of the night, only to get shushed in frustration by his very-tired mother because dammit minkkit stop trying to wrestle chubkit and go to sleep!

66.  If they were free to do anything, be it cruel, kind, or otherwise, without fear of repercussions, what is it that your character would do?

CUCKOOCHIRP || wander freely between other clan territory! He may be allowed to venture into shadowclan’s territory since shadowclan and riverclan are on good terms (and b/c apple and cuckoo are close), but windclan and thunderclan warriors wouldnt take kindly to cuckoochirp stepping over their border boundaries willy-nilly 

NIGHTTHROAT || talk about his own emotions without fear of how others would reject or react to him - maybe even ask someone specific out on a date. He’s a good mediator and he’s great at debating + speech but he rarely opens up about his own feelings

ROSEPAW || meet up with his friends whenever he pleased. He doesnt really care about borders as much, and he’d love to be able to cross and visit his friends in their camps whenever he wanted to!

OTTERPAW || word………………..probably just have a night to himself away from the camp? Or maybe just him and the cats close to him? Sometimes being in a large group gets overwhelming and he just wants to take it slow for a day

CHUBSTREAM || this isnt really a whole “fear of repercussions” thing but chub would love to raise a kitten/litter of kittens who viewed him as his dad one day but the opportunity hasn’t showed up yet. He wants 2 be a dad yo

69.  Do they enjoy facing their fears? CAN they face their fears? If not, what do they do in a situation where they’re forced to face them?

CUCKOOCHIRP || huoy……cuckoo definitely doesn’t enjoy facing his fears but he can do it. He can even stand up to someone who’s terrified him - and he will which you guys will see happen in action eventually on. He has his own ways of standing up for himself/for others and being defiant against what he’s scared of

NIGHTTHROAT || :)………………he deals with a great big fear in the comic and you’ll just have to wait and see how he handles that huh ;)))

ROSEPAW || nooOOOoooo he won’t even go near windclan territory because he’s scared of it. He’d rather chase his own thrills or what he’s comfortable with rather than deal with whatever petrifies him the most. He’d probably lash out and grow aggressive if placed into a situation where he had to face those kind of fears/trauma

OTTERPAW || another great big no to both! Otter has developed a severe fear of water/being in water due to his father, so he stays away from venturing into water. He grows sick/queasy when he’s so much as paw deep in water and often crosses the territory via dry spots. He relies on hollypaw heavily when he’s scared and he would panic and flounder if dropped into the water randomly 

CHUBSTREAM || i think chub could face his fears - he’s deeply worried about losing those he loves, especially with how close he came to losing minkclaw when she was injured by that fox as an apprentice. However if he ever did lose someone he was close to, he’d grieve but he would move on, eventually. Life goes on

[obsidianarchives]

In Defense of Thaddy Thor's Physique in Avengers: Endgame

There has been a lot of conversation surrounding Avengers: Endgame, the final chapter in Marvel’s 22-film, three-phase saga. Fans and critics have a lot of feelings about what the film did right, but a lot of the chatter I’ve seen on social media has been about what the film did wrong. Specifically, how the film “ruined” Thor. While I get some of the general issues people have with Thor in Endgame, a lot of the criticism feels unfair.

If you haven't seen Endgame yet and don't want to be spoiled, now is the time to stop reading.

At the beginning of the film, our heroes have lost the battle with Thanos. Thor, the self-proclaimed “strongest Avenger,” who first failed to deliver the fatal blow in Wakanda, executes a weakened Thanos on a garden planet in front of a demoralized team, then walks off. When we catch up with him five years later, he’s holed up in New Asgard with friends Miek and Korg. His hair has grown, his beard is unkempt, and crucially, he has gained weight. This has, apparently, made Thor “a joke.” That particular criticism irks me, so I’ll jump right into why I think it’s wrong.

First of all, Thaddy has been through A LOT. He loses the last of his living parents at the beginning of Ragnarok. His sister Hela, fresh outta prison, shattered Mjolnir(!) and kicked him out of the Bifrost mid-transport. She went to Asgard and murked an entire military squad, the Warriors Three, and no telling how many others. He landed on a strange planet where they cut off his hair(!!) and forced him to fight gladiator-style against his friend, Hulk. When he and his friends escaped, they came back to Asgard to save what remained but had to bring about Ragnarok — essentially letting a monster destroy Asgard — to kill Hela. Then when he led his remaining people to safety, their ship was beset upon by Thanos, who manually culled half the people on the ship, killed Heimdall and Loki, and gave Hulk the business. All while Thor watched, tied up and helpless.

Thor had already lost all his friends, family, and the majority of his people before Thanos used the Infinity Gauntlet to reduce the population of all living creatures by half. He 👏🏾 is 👏🏾 depressed. 👏🏾

Depression doesn't look the same on everybody. But it can and sometimes does look exactly like Thor. It looks like isolation, apathy, extreme weight loss or weight gain, and self-medicating or substance abuse. It looks like doing the bare minimum to keep yourself alive and grooming/showering only when you can muster the strength or the fucks to give. Thor wears his anger, grief, and guilt on his body like people who struggle with depression often do.

Apparently, this makes Thor unworthy. Or at least, that’s the way some people have interpreted it. I don't think the filmmakers thought through Thaddy, beyond wanting to show how much he was affected by everything he's experienced since we've known him. He was not written with as much care as he could have been, but I also don’t think he was written carelessly or as a punchline to a bad joke. I don't think the filmmakers saw him negatively or expected the audience to. They wrote him as someone who is still worthy.

Contrary to some criticism (1, 2, 3, 4), there are only a few times where someone makes a specific comment regarding his body/weight.

When Bruce and Rocket go to retrieve Thor and where his new, fatter body is revealed. Thor says something like "I am doing good, don't I look good?" and Rocket replies, "you look like melted ice cream."

Rocket is an asshole. That is his most defining characteristic, outside of being a sentient raccoon. (This is also why he does not give Thor a good pep-talk on Asgard.) Bruce says nothing about his physical appearance or about the way he spends his time and doesn't make fun of him or judge him for how he's changed. He just asks for his help.

When Thor abandons his mission to take the Aether from Jane and runs into his mother. After she lovingly roasts him and gives him sage advice, she sends him off with "eat a salad."

Mom's be like that. That’s not to diminish it cause it is problematic, but it's a thing a mom would say. It's something my mom has said to me and is in line with the kind of caring concern mothers who mean well often show.

After the team has successfully retrieved the stones and are discussing who will wield the new gauntlet. Thor asks them, "do you know what's coursing through my veins right now?" And Rhodey replies jokingly, "cheese wiz." Thor responds to this by making a face/gesture that's hard to read but is either agreement ("that's fair") or mild hurt. I personally read it as, "you got me there, but now is not the time."

It was, maybe, uncalled for, but definitely not worse than any of the numerous jokes that have been levied at other, fit-bodied people over time. One-liners are a staple of the Avengers films. Humor is one way the MCU and the Avengers films, in particular, have softened what might otherwise be very harsh stories to watch. Take away the zingers and it's just angst and fighting and death.

When Thor rejoins the rest of the team in Endgame, nothing really changes in how they treat him. Tony calls him a nickname, Lebowski, which is not a comment about his weight but his dress and overall demeanor. When Thor starts breaking down while discussing Jane and going on a tangent about what he's lost, they awkwardly try to get him back on task and when they can't, Tony gathers him patiently. They may react to him in ways the audience finds humorous, but they are not laughing at him.

I’d say the camera's POV was more discomforting than any of the characters’ words or behaviors. And this seems largely due to our own biases coloring how we view things. I watched all three Thor films recently and they have always loved a lingering torso shot that pans up. All-a-sudden it’s an issue when that same shot is focusing on a body we no longer find "appealing” or "attractive." They’ve always emphasized his body, it’s just now that his body is no longer “desirable” that the shot is making fun of him. The audience saw a “beer belly” and decided that was the joke. Never mind that the camera has always treated Thor this way.

Thor

Dark World

Ragnarok

Bonus: Age of Ultron

As for his character arc, he went from a person who wanted to be king but wasn’t ready in Thor to a person who was ready but didn’t want it in Dark World. In Ragnarok he discovers that even handicapped and disarmed, he has all the power within him. He leads the Asgardian refugees not because he wants to but because he is needed. It’s a lesson carried through into Infinity War, where he stands in front of a dying star to create a new weapon capable of defeating a powered-up Thanos. He doesn’t need Stormbreaker to be powerful, he needs it to channel his power.

That growth wasn't undermined in Endgame. Thor has not regressed, he’s stagnant. He’s lost. He doesn’t know where to go or how to move on. He feels like he failed his people as their king and everyone else as the “Strongest Avenger.” His retrieving of Mjolnir in the past/alternate reality was not about him “needing” a weapon (as he clearly had access to Stormbreaker), it was about him answering the question of, after all the failures and losses, is he still worthy? And he was. Belly, beard, sweatsuit, and all.

Maybe people's discomfort wasn't that the movie "made fun" of Thor's weight, but that it showed him being soft and vulnerable and messy and not all the way together. He didn't suppress the sadness and guilt he's entitled to. He responded to the pain. People want their heroes to suffer silently and never react or be affected. And it bothers some people that he didn't just move the fuck on. The film didn’t make him a “bumbling idiot” it just made him fat and people projected all their biases onto him.

As of this writing, I've seen Endgame three times. I went into both repeat viewings conscious of how the film treats Thor. And I've come away from it each time feeling the same way. I love Thaddy! I love that he was allowed to be imperfect. And I especially love that there was no “quick fix” before the big battle where he magically loses all the weight. Because even with a belly and split ends he’s still powerful, strong, and capable of and willing to fight. He’s still a hero!

And let us be clear, Thanos was beating ALL they asses! Any comments that Thor was singularly weak is nonsense. Tony and Steve got rocked in equal measure. Steve wielding Mjolnir was the shit(!!!) and it didn’t take anything away from Thor or undermine his strength in any way. Thor got his hero moments like many of the OG Avengers did, he just took a few Ls in the process.

Thor's final act on Earth is appointing Valkyrie king of New Asgard. He didn't want to be king in the first place and only took the mantle to protect his people after Asgard fell. In the five years while he was depressed and unable to lead, Valkyrie stepped up. She was ready and willing and he was not. Giving her the throne was not an act of weakness, but one of strength and wisdom. It was a culmination of all the lessons he's learned and him heeding his mother's advice to "be who you are, not who you're supposed to be."

Last we see Thor, he's hitching a ride with the Guardians and having a push-and-pull with Quill over who’s in charge. As we know, Thor is not a dude, he is a man. Quill is a dude at best. It's unclear whether Thor will make an appearance in the next GOTG, but if he does, I expect him to be the captain, it’s only fair.

Whether he remains thicc or tightens up is of no consequence. Being fat does not diminish him. He is still strong and he is still a hero. And frankly, he is still foine! A little tummy ain't never hurt nobody and Thaddy could still get it!

Header image credit to Marvel Studios.

[womenofcolor15]

Former ‘The Chi’ Star Jason Mitchell Says He’s Back, Denies Sexual Misconduct Allegations & Smirks Through Explaining His Side

Former "The Chi" star Jason Mitchell does his first interview since he was brought up on sexual misconduct allegations and everyone dropped him. Hear his side inside…

After portraying late rapper Eazy-E in the blockbuster film Straight Outta Compton, Jason Mitchell’s career started to skyrocket. He landed the lead role in Lena Waithe’s “The Chi” and folks were dubbing him the next big thing. Well, that all changed when sexual misconduct allegations were made against him.

Jason’s career quickly took a hit. He was fired from “The Chi” after co-star Tiffany Boone accused him of multiple instances of harrassment and abuse, his agents & UTA dropped him, and he lost his job on Netflix’s upcoming movie Desperados. Life hit him fast.

Now, he’s speaking out to share HIS side of the story.

  Over the weekend, the 32-year-old actor took to Instagram to announce he’s “back” and that he would be hitting up Power 106’s “The Breakfast Club” for his very first interview following the misconduct allegations. He thanked his fans and supporters for holding him down amid the allegations and promised he was still pushing through for the culture.

          View this post on Instagram

                      A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Nov 2, 2019 at 11:53am PDT

  Today, he appeared on “The Breakfast Club” to breakdown his version of events following the backlash. He said going through this situation made him feel like the “Lion King.”

“I just feel like I’ve been through so much lately, it all has given me a reason to smile,” he shared.

Interesting.

Over the last few months, Jason has apparently has been going through it, according to him. He revealed he recently became a single father and now has custody of his two daughters. When asked about the misconduct allegations made against him, he said he's not even entirely sure what they are. Oh?

"Well to be honest I am not 100% sure what the allegations themselves were. But I can tell you what happened," he responded.

In a nutshell, he explained he went out with one of his Desperados co-stars and she got drunk. He didn't want to leave her, so he allegedly took her back to her spot in Mexico City, where they were filming. The next day, he said there was a problem. He said he was told there was a "situation" and ultimately they ended up letting him go - not fully explaining what exactly was said about him. Jason said they paid him in full, so he didn't press the issue. He then issued an apology to anyone who he may have made feel any type of way towards him.

"With that being said, I am one of the most loving sweet people in the world. But, if I did do anything, say anything, make anyone feel any kind of way, you have my deepest apologies. Like honestly...my deepest apologies because that was never my intention to make anyone feel any sort of way. I definitely never put my hands on somebody or anything like that," he said.

He was then asked his "situation" with his "The Chi" co-star/on-screen girlfriend Tiffany Boone.

"Well it's crazy because it was actually no situation with Tiffany Boone," he said.

Really?

Then, he said, "Shout out to Tiffany Boone"

Bruh.

You'll recall, before Tiffany decided to chuck the deuces to "The Chi" she reportedly had her actor boyfriend, Marque Richardson from "Dear White People" (pictured above), to come on the set with her any time she shot scenes with Jason. The Straight Outta Compton actor claims he was unaware that her boyfriend was there because of him because it wasn't uncommon to have family and friends come to the set. In fact, he said he's cool with Tiffany's boyfriend and the last time they ran into one another there wasn't any issues.

Jason then when on to explain what happened between him and "The Chi" showrunner Ayanna Floyd Davis. He shared the actual reason he was let go from the show was because Disney (who bought Showtime) saw what was going on with Desperados and they took action.

An argument between Jason and Ayanna went down, just after one of his real life friends was shot and killed.

She approached him after a scene asked if he was OK because she didn't want him to "go home and self medicate." He didn't say anything because he didn't want to let the "n*gga" come out of him and he ended up taking it to Lena Waithe and she took it to Human Resources. THEN, Ayanna supposedly confronted him about going to HR and they got into a heated discussion. Ayanna allegedly went back to HR to report their conversation and then Ayanna was fired because she wasn't suppose to confront Jason about the situation.

"It was just painful to watch - to see Lena try to save her brand because of me," he said.

"To be honest, and I really hate to this because I am all for the #MeToo movement. I have two beautiful daughters who I would like to be in the business. But i feel like for this situation, I feel like Ayanna tried to use this for a really, really ugly weapon."

Jason said Tiffany Boone left the show because she got a better job. He said it's completely ridiculous that reports said Tiffany left the show because of him (despite the fact she herself said so in a statement). He said she's the epitome of a black woman and if you try her, she would get you together on the spot. While he has much respect for Tiffany, they "have never really been the best of friends." He said they have their "different views on things" and they're "both people who are very opinionated and we could go back and forth all day."

"Our spirits don't jam. We are just two bullheaded people," he said.

Jason claims Tiffany NEVER went to HR, they never had any sit downs, and he thinks all of this "came from Ayanna."

He said "being from New Orleans, we are the most loving kind people. We addressed the world with hug, kisses and love." Charlamagne then interjected about Birdman's behavior at "The Breakfast Club." Oop!

Looking back, he said he wished he would have just walked out during his "heated discussion" with Ayanna instead of reacting. He said during the argument he might could have "intimidated her."

Envy asked Jason isn't he suing the pants off everyone (networks included) if he didn't do anything wrong.

"Well at the end of the day...I do have to take my L and say you know what, I made myself subject to these situations. Had I not went anywhere with this lady and to drop her off home, I wouldn't be in this situation. Had I not responded to anything that went on with Ayanna, I wouldn't be in this situation."

By the way, when Ayanna confronted Jason about going to HR, she was let go.

Jason said he has to learn to "control his inner n*gga... but also not put himself in those n*gga moments," referring to incident that went down in Boston when a woman smacked him in the face.

Jason opened up about a situation where he ended up cursing out Delta Airlines staff because he paid $7,800 for a flight and they told him to go sit somewhere else. He went from Chicago to Vegas for a boxing flight.

He admitted to having anger management issues, which likely was a result from "growing up in a very violent city [New Orleans]" and that's all he knows.

"I feel like Black men especially when trauma happens to us, we don't think it's okay to go to therapy or go to hug each other," he shared.

Talking about his past, he said his father killed himself when he was 15 years old and his best friend was killed when he was 22, right when he started acting. He went to mental health counseling to help cope and he said, "It was a lot of tears at the beginning."

Now, he feels like chasing his dreams, "tore my family apart." He said UTA dropped him because they were following what ever one else was doing.

While Lena said she would never work with Jason again, he claims they are "actually real good friends."

He said it's been a minute since the last time they spoke, but she definitely called to ask him if he was okay when the sexual misconduct drama popped off.

When asked how he felt about Lena saying she would never work with him again, he responded,

"It hurt his soul a little bit," he responded.

Peep his full interview below:

  Photo: DFree / Shutterstock.com

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/11/04/former-%E2%80%98the-chi%E2%80%99-star-jason-mitchell-says-he%E2%80%99s-%E2%80%98back%E2%80%99-denies-sexual-misconduct-allegation

[fanponyreblogsstuff]

WHATS UP YOUTUBE ITS YA GIRL TRASH HORSE And--

So a little backstory till up to where she is now. Yadaa yadaa here’s the basic backstory. As time went on though, the girl grew a rather nasty personality trait and got her shit stomped in. In exchange for not wanting to die and learning how to stop being such a bitch, everyone’s least favorite abuse goat asshole Hades took her under his wing.

Things were pretty normal at first. She did chores or whatever, he trained her. It was a good deal for the little zombie horse. But then ol goatfuck decided he wanted to suddenly get some sweet sweet revenge on some of his old god pals, especially Zeus. So he had his student start killing off gods and anyone that annoyed him, normal people and lesser gods first. She worked her way up, offing ol Aquaman himself with his own trident eventually (and making lots of nasty enemies along they way as well as losing a fair amount of friends and respect). 

As things continued, Hades became far more abusive towards Gear, who at that point only knew how to follow his orders. She became a husk, faking whatever emotion she needed for the moment. She changed for the worst. 

Eventually, she ran into this guy:

His name’s Henry, he’s the god of forge, and he just.. He just fucking obliterated this dumb horse girl. And every time she came back the results were the same. Just the ass kicking of a century. Eventually he stopped and asked her why she was doing, to which she replied “Cause my master told me to.” He didn’t accept that answer and eventually, so did she. One more time she approached this Leomon ripoff, only instead of fighting she apologized and ran away. Henry is a cool dude tho and kept it secret from ol’ Hades, who he paid a small visit to.Wew.

So lil Gear is out there in the tundra or something, living off the wild and basically being a hermit when this griffin mother fucker shows up outta the blue and picks a fight with her.

Gear is all “Dude go away you smell like stale chicken wings and anger issues” and he’s all “WE ARE THE SAME. I HATE MY TEACHER AND I ALSO AM LIKE IMMORTAL OR SOME SHIT”. Eventually Gear is sick of him speaking in all caps so she flees into a cave and is set on basically never stepping outside ever again. But then of course someone has to mess up her sweet new isolated life.

This time it was a good thing. These two tall horse(?) women approached her, talking about how they had to kill her cause she was evil or something. She wasn’t having that and fought and held her own pretty well before not doing that anymore. Turns out those two were Valkyrie.

Instead of killin’ old Gear, they invited her to join them cause man do they love them some strong independent women that don’t need no solitude.

So these two Valks, Hervor and Atalanta, really take a liking to Gear, who doesn’t care much for either of them at first. After living with and going on all these SICK ADVENTURES with them, she eventually warms up a little, slowly returning to her old ridiculous self, albeit a lot more sassy and confident. So confident in fact, that she eventually went back to Tartarus to confront ol Hades.

So this dude is all “Ah you’re back. Good I need you to get back to work” and Gear is pretty upset that he didn’t even care she was missing. When she tells him that she’s not coming back and she’s through with him, goatfuck decides he doesn’t have any use for her, all the while explaining how the only reason she was even still around is because of him. So, he threatens to toss her soul or something in with the others and get rid of her, maybe find a new minion to follow through on his schemes.

So what does Gear do? She beats him. She beats the absolute piss out of him. Like, Hades had no idea what he had trained. So after beating this guy to a near inch of his life, she just stops. Says she’s done killing for him. She berates him, calling sad, lonely, the usual, and how she almost became exactly like him. She leaves and enjoys her life with the Valkyrie now.

Now she’s doing her own thing once again, being sassy and enjoying her freedom.

Some quick ol’ tidbits:

Gear eventually visited Hades again, who now has Sal staying with him. They patched things over and Ven has changed for the better. No more revenge agenda. She regularly visits the duo just to say hi.

Gear has some of Hades’ flame powers mumbo jumbo. She can’t actually use any of it, but sometimes her hair catches fire. 

She can no longer turn fully red. Only her hooves/hands will become red in color

She works more as the repairwoman for her comrades, fixing their weapons and keeping their equipment up to snuff.

Her main shtick for the longest was obsessing over Tweenlight Spackle. She’s long since stopped fanning over the mane cast, and instead now has an obsession over Maud which she keeps secret.

She’s been to the moon a total of 3 times. It’s also where she developed a debilitating fear of tentacles

Her biggest strength is well, her immense strength. That and her semi-immortality from being a zombie. Even decapitated she can come back. However if she dies enough times in a short amount of time she won’t be able to come back.

She first appeared/started her blog when she was 17 and died when she was 19. She now ages very slowly

She’s only had sex twice. Why did I need to share that I’ll never know

Hermes, one of her best friends, has almost always helped her from the shadows, even when she fled to the tundra.

Gear’s hair is cursed. She’s naturally blond, but because of some shenanigans, her hair was cursed to continue growing forever, unable to ever be cut. She wore a magic infused wig that kept her hair in check but gave up when it began spilling out. The tangles are her greatest enemy.

[dominavontana]

American #Dominatrix in #Tokyo

Something’s got to give…

Bub (my brother): Sis remember when 9/11 happened and you were in DC and Mom and Mike threatened to drive out from Montana and pack you up and move you back home?

Me: Yea…

Bub: Well not it’s about to be World War 3 and you’re headed right back into the middle of it again. What’s up with that?

Me: Well, Bro...war is part of life. And next time it happens it’s going to happen everywhere. So if it’s going to happen, this time when it happens, I want to be in a country with no guns, no opiod epademic and no race wars.

Bub: …

#Japan

Remember that story line in Friends, where Ross gets someone else pregnant. Rachel is really upset when she finds out because she told Ross they were just on a break. But Ross thinks they were broken up?

Yeah, well in that scenario I’m Rachel and my country and my family are Ross. They think I’ve left them for good. But really we’re just on a break. Yep I ex-pat’ed the fuck outta my life and country and loves. Now as long as the USA doesn’t knock somebody else up while I’m in Japan we should be okay.

Ten years ago was my last sabbatical. In the past ten years since that trip back home to Montana I have taken only one trip that wasn’t to see clients. That was last December when my Mom took me to Mexico. A country with a culture that is warm, heart-felt and full of humor. That trip definitely sparked something in me. Or more accurately it reignited something inside of me - a desire to experience life beyond the American borders.

My reasons for coming to Japan are many, not just one. And those reasons are layered. They run into one another. Was it my traumatic marriage to my slave who is still in treatment for addiction? Sure that was part of it. He’s doing better but I still needed to be somewhere he couldn’t get to me without my consent because it seems every time he’s done that in the past decade he manages to melt down my world in a matter of days and I have to start all over again.

Is it the ignorant and racist attitudes of my dearest loved family members that have come to light since the recent election? Yea, that’s definitely part of it too.

Is it my need for adventure? My desire to travel? My desperate want for a respite from the scene? The pro life? The impact of the drug epidemic on my personal life? The lack of a living wage? The fucking hateful rhetoric of my country at the moment? The free bed in a warm home waiting for me in Tokyo? Yes, yes and yes.

So that’s why I left. But why did I choose to go to Japan? Why not South America, or Europe where as one friend said, “They know how to enjoy life.” Because I’ve spent the past decade plus “enjoying” life. I’ve lived. I've liiived. If I wanted it, I’ve had it. If I want to do it, I’ve done it. My life has not been short on experience and my memory is full of moments that I will cherish forever. But there’s more to life than that…

And that is where my self identity and this Japanese culture intersect:

I value ritual. They have it in spades in this country.

I value manners. Respect is the name of the game in this country.

I love discipline. Yep they have that too.

I value kink. PLENTY of that here.

I value peace. As a survivor of multiple sexual assaults (all prior to becoming a pro and part of my vanilla life not my kink life) I can walk down the street here at 2 am more than a little tipsy and not have to look over my shoulder constantly or clutch my keys in fear or worry about what is hiding behind every shadow. You have no idea how valuable that is to a survivor of sexual assault and domestic abuse. Basically by making the choice to move myself halfway around the world I eliminated the vast majority of my triggers and for that reason I now spend my days in peace. Priceless.

I am healing. I am the adult child of an alcoholic who is finally getting on top of her issues. It's been a long, hard fought, barely begun to be won battle. But I am still standing. And at this point I feel I deserve some GD rewards for my efforts thus far. So I decided to put myself first and to go out and get them. I gave myself a pass. That pass came in the form of a plane ticket. A very expensive plane ticket. To a very different place, very far away from home. So. Be. It.

I am here, in Japan, to heal. I am also here to take some bad ass rope bondage classes and get my kink on on the international level. Torture Garden of London fame is hosting a fetish ball in Tokyo in a few weeks. OMG I cannot wait. 

This country I’ve chosen isn’t perfect. No place is, but for now Japan offers me the ritual, discipline, spiritual sanctity, financial security, physical safety and professional opportunities that I can’t find in my own country, especially at this moment in history. Yes, I feel safer here, practically within spitting distance of North Korea and it's nukes, than I did walking down the street at night in my own country. As a solitary soul and an independent woman I spent many nights in fear, because I was alone - as Goddess intended - but I was alone in a country full of dangers for a woman like myself. 

I am an introvert. I now gleefully spend my days walking silently through the tiny streets of my Tokyo neighborhood. I use google translate to communicate. I bow a lot. I make eye contact with people, something I never did back home. I smile at strangers. It feels so good. 

The food is fresh as fuck. The people are gentle. The fashion is on point. The aesthetic is dynamite. And they love a tall blonde gaijin. There’s even Starbucks so I can still get my fix.

I just had to do it. I couldn’t wait one more moment. The more loved ones I lost to over dose the more I began to realize just how short life really is. And how precious. And how fragile. I’ve spent my entire life in service to other’s needs. It's called being a codependent. It was time to put myself first. I bet that’s a secret you didn’t know about being the best - the best dominants out there are in it for someone else. Almost always.

For me it was beyond being merely a ‘service top.’ I was and still am and always will be in service to my destiny, to the fates. Most days I wouldn’t choose this life. I hate being marginalized, misrepresented, judged and commodified by family, friends, lovers and the media whether it's because I'm kinky, a woman, a blonde, a queer or a sex worker. Most days I just crave a normal existence, even though I know the concept of normal is an illusion, really. But what I did need and could get that Japan gives me is a sense of peace, an advanced aesthetic and a sophisticated society.

America - you’re mean. There - I said it. And that’s coming from a Dominatrix. It’s my job to be mean and I still just can’t with you anymore. Not right now. So I quit. We're on a break. It's a symptom of a larger problem sure, most of which is my responsibility but nonetheless I choose to quit making myself available to any place or person who can’t or won’t appreciate me for me. After all, I’m just a girl. A girl with a whip. A woman who deserves love. A human. Being.

 I don’t know when (or if) I’ll be back. My relationship with my new home is very new and like most new relationships I’m probably heady on all kinds of new relationship energy (NRE, go google it if you don’t know what that means). Once the dust settles, I’ll decide what my next move is. One step at a time, right? But one thing is for sure - I’m done with countries, men, communities and clients that may tolerate hate, anger and poor taste. Life is too short for anything less than beauty and love.

 May you find what you are looking for. I know I have. Thank you Japan and thank you America. Maybe someday we will meet again.

 Good bye for now. Love, Me