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marshmallowprotection · 3 years ago

Text

Gladiolus.

Description: Jihyun Kim knew what he had to do to protect both Saeran and Saeyoung, but what happens when he realizes that he needs to help himself and change the course of his life to accomplish it? Will he have the strength to be the Dad that he needs to be for them in the face of his mistakes and victories?

Photographer Saeran AU

Word Count: 10500

Based on this idea and thanks to @dailysaeran for drawing baby Saeran!

[Read on AO3]

Jihyun had heard that the winds of change could come into your life and dismantle everything that you thought would last forever. Life wasn’t always a constant stream where the water would twist and turn around the rocks the same way. The weather would change, the temperature would change, the currents would change, and even the animals that lived in the water would change as the seasons passed.

It had been something that he had gone through twice before, but this change wasn’t one that he ever expected to come. It had been a realization that had been a long time coming, but he hadn’t allowed himself to see just how much he needed to stop and reflect on the man that he became as his life shifted to much more mature adulthood.

The first time things changed, he lost his dear mother and it changed the way that he believed in love. Her adoration and commitment to him had made him believe that he needed to care for the people he loved no matter what, without fail, even if it meant that he would sacrifice himself. In hindsight, now he was able to see how this extreme wasn’t the right way to handle his feelings towards others.

His mother had always loved him and wanted the best for him. But, at that time, he had been a stubborn young man who had layered issues with his mother. It wasn’t her fault that his father had taught him to feel complicated about his mother, and it certainly wasn’t her fault that V had come to realize too late that his father had manipulated him to believe in his lies. He had been so afraid as a child of his father seeing his true passion.

His fears and insecurities forced him into pushing his mother away over and over again, but she kept believing in him and pushing for him to find his dream. Her sacrifice for him during the fire that claimed her life had been what changed Jihyun forever. He thought that to love someone, he had to give everything for the rest of his life, even if that meant trying to help someone by being too pushy.

His mistake here had nearly cost him everything.

It had almost destroyed him, in the same way, that his mother had been destroyed by her love and compassion for her son whom she loved dearly. He had learned the wrong lesson and it was only recently that he was able to understand that.

The second time things changed, he had met Rika, and by extension, he would eventually come into contact with Saeyoung. His love life with Rika had always been intense, blinding as the sun as the two of them tangled their broken hearts looking for a savior to believe in. But, their love wasn’t right for one another at the end of the day, and the more they argued the less idyllic their reality became.

He wanted to help Rika escape from her nightmares and trauma, but he had no idea how to help her in the way that she needed him to. He thought that allowing her to fixate on her darkest and scariest thoughts by subjecting him to them instead of herself, would help her to break free of the chain. She was a star that was on the brink of exploding when he met her, and every single day, he idealized this and found a muse within it.

It hadn’t been a healthy relationship once their feelings became tangled with the fruits of poison but as that realization grew to a fever pitch, V couldn’t ignore the cycle that had been created. Even if they ignored it and tried to make things work, it was never going to work and they were needless in the way that they continued to subject themselves to something that would never make them feel the love that they deserved.

Everyone thought that their love was perfect, but it was far from the truth. This was realized just as they began to help the twins. Saeyoung and Saeran Choi were two young boys who had been living in hell their entire lives, and they were trapped in a cycle of abuse that they could not get out of on their own. Rika had been taking care of Saeyoung for a while, gaining his trust through the church and trying to help him bring more food and clothes home to his sickly twin.

She’d known him for quite some time before Jihyun met him. But, Rika had been upfront with him about the life that this young boy lived, and it didn’t take much consideration for him to so badly want to help. Saeyoung was willing to do anything, try something, or beg if it meant that his brother could be safe and sound away from harm. Their mother was using them to blackmail their father into getting whatever she wanted, and without them, she wouldn’t be able to assert that control.

Rika, at first, wanted to simply remove the boys in the dead of night and run. V thought that wasn’t a bad idea, but when Saeyoung admitted the identity of his father, they both knew in their hearts that running wasn’t going to be a viable option.

It was in their hunt to find a way to get the older twin an escape that V met someone from the agency. A fan of his that loved to buy up so many of his photographs happened to be working for an underground facility that took any intelligent young people under their wings. The man spun it to him like being an escape from reality, an action movie suddenly came to life that would give the budding Choi a place to learn how to use his skills to protect himself.

As Saeyoung had proven to be quite skillful with programming, the books that he had been studying that had been given to him by Rika had come in handy. He was able to prove that his skill was worth the trouble it would take to train him properly to the man, and Jihyun was able to make a deal through that, giving Saeyoung safety within the confines of secret protection where his hacking skills could eventually help him hide everything about himself and his brother.

For the time being, Saeyoung would have to let go of his twin to go into the agency to study and become what they wanted him to be. There was no telling how long he would owe the agency his life and skill, it could’ve been years or it could’ve lasted his entire life. But, the deal would give him time to figure out how to become the strongest person that he could be. It would allow him to protect his brother, which is all he wanted.

In making this deal with the agency, he made a second deal with V for it. Saeyoung was a very firm negotiator when he wanted to be. The promise was that as long as Saeyoung was in the care of the agency, V and/or Rika would have to care for his brother and keep him hidden. It was this large promise to make that meant that everything in their lives would change, but V took this deal because he knew it was the right thing to do. He wanted nothing more than to protect those boys with his entire heart.

He had never been this committed to the idea of protecting children before, but he supposed that he saw his pain in their eyes. He never wanted to see another child hurt from whatever they lived through, no matter how deep the pain buried itself into their bodies. This deal was made and the older twin had to leave without warning. His heart ached to know that he couldn’t tell his twin where he was going.

People in the agency weren’t allowed to have connections with family or loved ones. If they did, people would use them as collateral and the agency couldn’t have their members breaking down every time someone wound up kidnapped or used a prop. Saeyoung couldn’t stomach the idea of knowing that his brother would get hurt when this was to protect him, so when the day came and he had to leave?

He hugged his brother tightly as he was still resting and apologized, leaving during the time before the sun rose with just the clothes on his back. Saeran would be okay, but he had to break his heart into pieces to do it. His little brother was everything to him and just knowing that he could taste some kind of freedom was all he needed to choose to leave. Saeyoung had tears in his eyes that day, but he never stopped smiling.

Those words that Saeyoung spoke still haunted him somewhat, as the undaunted expression in his eyes grew; “Saeran will have a good life. I know he will. He’ll be free to look at the grounds and get any kind of ice cream that he wants after dinner from now on. He’ll get to experience all kinds of firsts… he can read, draw, and try all kinds of things with you, V. He’ll make friends, he’ll fall in love, he’ll have everything that he could ever want. Thank you.”

That hung heavy on V’s shoulders as it was a tall order to fulfill. But, he took that promise and he kept it deeply interwoven inside of his heart. Even as his and Rika’s relationship came to an end in a matter of seconds. Rika realized after just a short time being around Saeran that his pain was too great compared to her own, and it reminded her too much of her mother and the pain that she had suffered.

She wanted to protect Saeran, but this realization had given her the ugly truth. She couldn’t give him the love that he needed alongside V… because her heart was still wounded, and she wanted to heal herself in the right way before she tried to help someone in need in the way that he truly needed. His pain was like her own, and in seeing that, she knew that she needed to end things with V to be able to help herself.

As they had been growing apart over some time, V understood why she chose to do this and he knew that it was coming no matter what happened. They had never been perfect for each other and trying to force themselves to stay together to take care of Saeran simply wasn’t going to help that child in need.

Rika dedicated herself back to going to therapy consistently and decided to put all her energy into creating the RFA so she could help Saeran and other children like him that way, removed from the situation but still close enough to provide help.

She loved V but their love couldn’t ever be more than what it had always been, mere infatuation and trying to cover their wounds with a meager bandaid that couldn’t heal the problem. He cared for her greatly but at the end of the day, love could not bloom and prosper in a garden without a drop of water in the intense heat of the sun.

V understood his failing in their relationship as well, and through her insistence, as well as the urging of Jumin, he decided that he needed to get help for himself as well. Even if getting help was such a taboo in his culture, he knew that he needed it. He knew that his heart was wounded and to be a better man, he had to acknowledge what he had gone through. After all, if he was to be Saeran’s father, he wanted to be worthy of the title.

He wanted to be able to prove to not only himself but everyone around him that he could do the right thing. It wasn’t easy for him to face his demons but it was a process that he wanted to start for his heath. While that started and he and Rika separated, he slowly took the time to lure Saeran away from his mother’s grasp day by day. It started with Rika convincing the woman to let him come to the cathedral every so often.

But, in due time, the longer that Saeran was gone, the less time that his mother was aware of her surroundings and the people around herself.

She had been drinking often since Saeyoung had left and it left her out of her mind for lengthy periods. When she was too dazed to even process what her name was, much less where her child was, that’s when V and Rika snuck in during the dead of night when she was passed out and there was no sign of any watchful eyes from Saejoong Choi.

Saeran was removed from her household and brought to V’s house in the secluded mountains, far from the city but just close enough that they wouldn’t have a lengthy drive if push came to shove and they needed something.

That woman was left in her despair but her fate hung in the balance the minute that she was left alone. They took extreme measures to make it look like the boys hadn’t even lived there in the first place, but whatever Saejoong Choi decided to do with that woman… it would be the price of her sins to face alone now that she no longer could use the boys as puppets. Neither V nor Rika would look back or try to discern her true fate.

It would be up to fate in that case and they would shield Saeran from that reality as much as they could. He might have cared for the idea of his mother as he craved a family where he was wanted and loved, but she wasn’t someone who truly loved her sons. They couldn’t be properly called her sons because she never treated them the way a mother should treat their child. She simply did not deserve that title.

Regardless, with Saeran under his care, he was finally able to wake up one morning and know that he had a bed that couldn’t be taken away from him. He’d been given his bedroom with anything that he could desire. Saeyoung had told them about some of the things that he liked and it helped them figure out what to gift him to make him feel more at home.

It was a lot for Saeran all at once, though.

His eyes flooded with tears that day as he realized that he had a bed for the first time in his life. He looked back at V and asked him, “Is that mine?” The twins had slept on a mat on the floor with only a single blanket to share between them. Saeran often wound up wearing the blanket after he fell asleep because Saeyoung would refuse to take it. So, a bed was like the biggest gift this child had ever seen.

Saeran’s eyes flooded with tears as he hugged V without thinking, looking at him with the most joyful expression in his eyes. V felt his heart jump when he did, and a lump grew in his throat as he ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled in return. This was what Saeyoung wanted, his twin to be able to have the very thing that they had been denied from their birth, a home with a family that would protect him.

He had been barely fourteen years old, but the way his donated clothes clung to his body and how short he was, he could’ve passed easily as a ten-year-old, at best. He was small and barely able to hold himself up most days but that had been a happy moment for him. Saeran had only let go of V to race to the bed, flopping onto the soft mattress and rolling onto his back, laughing and giggling with glee.

His room was a paradise of pinks and blues, very gentle pastels that would cloak him with the sunshine that he had been denied. His room had a large window that he could open if he wanted to see the sky or feel the fresh breeze on his face once again.

There was a view of the garden in the back and the massive trees that lead into the forest further behind that. He could see all of the things that he never could have locked away in his mother’s house.

There were plushies and toys carefully tucked into the room as well since Saeyoung had been firmly adamant that his twin loved to color and all the picture books that he had received made him long for toys and soft things to hold onto.

There was one gift in that room that hadn’t been chosen by V… and it was a ginger tabby cat plushie, something that Saeyoung picked out for him after he snuck out to go shopping with V one day.

If Saeran were to flip the tag around its neck, he would see his brother’s handwriting on the back plain as day. It didn’t say his brother’s name on it but it did say, “For Saeran,” and that would be the only clue his twin needed to understand that it was a gift from Saeyoung. He would discover it when V left him to acclimate to his new room by himself, eyes laced with happy tears as he’d realize his twin had given him a gift.

It meant that his brother was alive and this was where he wanted him to be.

Saeran was hopeful after that, his eyes sparkling with relief and joy. V couldn’t tell him where his twin was or anything about him, but the gift was enough. It was a gesture that would be able to tide him over and keep his heart happy, knowing that he hadn’t been abandoned and his twin hadn’t been killed by their father.

It was a simple gesture but it was the only thing that he could think of to bypass the agency before they even knew it was a problem.

Of course, this opened up another can of worms that V had to deal with. The fact of the matter was, Saeran couldn’t keep his red hair. Even if he was hidden away from the rest of the world and safe with him, they couldn’t trust that his father wasn’t still looking. He would be hunting around for boys with red hair and golden eyes.

V had to explain this to Saeran, who felt a little dejected about not being able to keep his hair but after he learned why he had to change it, he was okay with it. After all, he knew that he could be able to dye it back someday if he wanted. But, for the time being, he had to dye his hair to look like V’s did. This was for a very good reason and it worked with the backstory that he was going to tell people if they asked about him having a child.

Through the false documentation that he was able to create thanks to the channel he had created with his informants, he was able to create an entire fabricated life for Saeran. It took a lot of time to look into his mother’s side, but he was able to make it seem as though Saeran was just a very distant cousin of his from the states that had no other family to turn to. It meant he wouldn’t be in the family registry since it was distant.

It was close enough that a doctored birth certificate and some basic paperwork could give him a new identity overall. It took a lot of money to make it as perfect and legal as possible, but it was well worth the price he paid. To the South Korean government as far as they were concerned in the matter, Saeran would simply be known as Ray Kim, the adopted child of Jihyun Kim. It was as simple as that.

Saeran had been adamant about the name since he got to pick what people would call him. He thought about it for a while until he stumbled upon an interesting idiom. He noticed that nice people were called a Ray of Sunshine. Saeran felt connected with that idea, he wanted so badly to be happy enough that people would never think he was lonely and pathetic.

He wanted to be that person that looked so happy they glowed.

If Saeyoung was watching over him now, he wanted his brother to know that he was happy. So, his new name should’ve been happy. V agreed and let him pick that name since he was giving up a lot to be able to have this freedom in the first place. He was a child that had been saved but he still had limitations on what he could do. Being able to choose his name was one of the small luxuries.

Of course, as soon as the paperwork was ready, V had to dye his hair himself. It took a while to lighten his red locks to a color that would accept the mint dye, but Saeran was a good sport for the entire time that he had to sit there at the table, letting V do his hair in layers as everything started to process. It took a few hours but by the end of it, Saeran’s red was washed away and replaced with a color that was no different than V’s.

The child looked into the mirror once his hair had dried out, blinking a few times at his reflection since he didn’t recognize it at first. His golden eyes stared back at him so he knew that it was his face in the mirror but it felt weird not to see his twin’s face reflected with his own. It wasn’t the same as it used to be, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t okay.

It was okay.

He knew it would be okay.

In a quiet voice, he asked, “Do you think Saeyoung would be upset because I don’t look like him anymore?”

“Saeyoung would be happy that you’re safe here,” V said. He rested his hand against Saeran’s shoulder and they looked back at their reflections together this time. “You’ll always look like your brother, even if you don’t have the same hair color. Nobody can ever take that connection away from you, Saeran. Never forget that.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to try on the contacts, too? You don’t have to use them when we’re at home, but if we leave the house for something together, I’ll need you to wear them, okay? So, it’d be nice to try to practice getting them off and on your eyes.”

“Are they this color, too?”

“I picked a few different colors out, Saeran. What would you like to try?”

“Um, what about green? It’s like the grass!”

“We can try that.”

—

Saeran adjusted as best he could.

Everything changed so much for him after he finally felt secure. He had room to sleep in, he had a house that could leave whenever he wanted, and he had a new member of his family who liked to listen to him talk for hours about all of the new things that he was doing. V even said that once he felt like he was ready, he could start going to school and hang out with kids his age.

That was a little scary for Saeran to think about. He wasn’t sure about going out in the open with people… he was still scared of being caught by his father and getting his brother into trouble. It was a sad reality that he faced but the decision was ultimately left in his hands if he wanted to go to school with other kids or he simply wanted V to hire him a proper tutor to come and visit the house every week.

Saeran was curious about school… about kids his age. Back at the cathedral, he didn’t talk much to the other kids because he had felt too shy to approach them. He had spoken to some of the kids a few times during the playtime that they had whilst the parents were in the middle of their mass, but he always got too anxious to talk to them beyond a few quiet “hello”s.

It was hard to imagine making friends.

It was hard to imagine going to school, too.

But, everything he saw on the television made it seem like it might be fun. What if Saeyoung was going to a school? Would he want him to go, too? He wasn’t so sure about it, but he could think about it and try to guess what it would be like. After all, V went to a school when he’d been a kid, so that meant that it was safe, right?

Saeran was a gentle soul that liked to learn how to do everything… every meal was spent trying to show him how to do something. Cleaning up meant that he wanted to help V every step of the way, and for the time that he wasn’t trying to learn skills, he could be found outside in the garden that was growing stronger outside. The flowers and vegetables had caught his eye, again.

He spent a lot of time learning about them at the cathedral but he didn’t have long to study the picture book that V got him when he was stuck with his mother. He liked learning about how they drew and what they meant when you shared them with other people. Saeran thought it was interesting that people could share secrets between petals and stems.

They were all so pretty and he liked talking to them whenever he could. They were like his friends even if they couldn’t talk back to him. He never had someone who listened so much before so he liked that about them. His flowers were everything to him, and he felt like they could be what he needed to get by instead of school!

Even if he was curious about what it felt like to have friends that could talk back to him. His flowers were good enough, right?

V told him that flowers grow better when you talk to them, and he took that belief inside of his heart without question. Even though there was so much that he wanted to share with the flowers, he always ran out of time when the sunset. If he could’ve spent all his time in that little garden, he would have. Though, he was always sad on rainy days when couldn’t go outside and see his friends.

He would curl up on the couch with his plushie and stare up at the ceiling for a while, letting his mind wander with thoughts that seemed endless. He was lonely, now, even if he had a family of flowers and V with him. Maybe V was right, he wondered, maybe it would be nice to have some friends that he could talk to just as much as he loved talking to his flower friends. What if he was allowed to have both?

After a particularly stormy day and night that hadn’t let him go outside, Saeran practically leaped at the chance to go outside again. He didn’t even think to ask if V was going to come with him, his little legs just carried him through the house and out the backdoor as fast as they could. He found his way around the puddles and beamed, leaning over with his hands on his knees to inspect his friends.

They looked like they had gotten a lot of water overnight but after how dry it had been, he wasn’t too scared for them. He just wished that he had a chance to see them even when it was raining badly. His flower friends made his day feel a little bit brighter so seeing them made them was always a good feeling he had. He just didn’t know how to see them if it was raining so much all the time!

That’s when Jihyun appeared beside him, crouching down in the dirt next to Saeran with his camera in hand. Saeran cocked his head and looked at him, unsure why he had come to this part of their garden right away. He lifted the viewfinder to his face and pointed it at one of the flowers that he had been admiring, then he lowered the device and showed the image to Saeran.

With curious and amazing eyes, Saeran found himself staring at a reflection of the flower. He’d known that V took photos of things that were kind of like what he saw on the walls of their little house but those were all of the sky and stars. There weren’t photos of flowers in the house, there were a few paintings, but no flower pictures.

He didn’t realize that pictures could be taken of things that were on Earth. Technology was still kind of a fickle thing for Saeran. He had a hard time understanding how things worked, trying to figure out how televisions made their picture happen, how phones could call people if they didn’t have a connection with a string, how cameras worked, how lights functioned to off and on, how a sink made water, and more.

The house that he lived in with his brother didn’t have a lot of things. The kitchen they had was small and he wasn’t allowed in it. His brother would have to get him food and water, and if he’d ever walked into the kitchen without his mother dragging him in there, he would get hurt in the process. He never looked around. He always looked at his feet.

It felt like he didn’t know how anything worked. He always tried to guess how they worked, but the only answer that he could come up with was magic. It made sense in the storybook that he’d read once. Magic seemed like a really good answer, but he couldn’t ever find the fairy or witch that was making it work!

What made V’s camera work?

He was utterly mystified by what he was seeing on the device. He liked the photos that V took of the sky but… he never thought that this was something he could do. V always had a lot of big cameras that he would take outside during the day and night to take longer photos. He said something about exposure, but Ray didn’t know what he meant.

He just knew that whatever magic he did made those really pretty photos of the fluffy clouds come into their living room. V had hung the photo that Saeran liked the most in his room after he asked if he could look at the photo for a while. He thought that asking meant that V would let him look at his screen for a while, but he printed the photo out and put it up when he was asleep. It was a nice surprise!

He spoke up without knowing what he said aloud, “You… you can take pictures of flowers, too? I thought your camera only worked the sky.”

A small smile appeared on V’s face. He paused as if an idea came to mind, and then he leaned over and pressed the camera into Saeran’s hands. Saeran was surprised and looked down at the device in his hands. He didn’t know what to do with it. He was nervous he might drop it if V let him hold it, so he tried to hand it back, but V insisted with another gentle nudge towards him to keep it.

“Lift the camera and look at the screen,” V tapped his finger against the top of the camera where he was staring. “Notice how it shows you what you already see in the garden?

Saeran did as he said, and he noticed the world moved much as it did on television on that small screen. Oh, so, did the cameras that took pictures to take the videos, too? That seemed to make sense to him. He could see the Gladiolus reflected on the monitor. There were a lot of buttons that did things but he didn’t know what they did.

Saeran pursed his lips and looked back at V, “How do you make it work like that? I mean, how do you take the picture?”

“I’d be happy to show you. Can I?”

“Uh-huh.”

So, V adjusted Saeran’s hold on the camera. He helped him place one firm hand on the lens and another on the side of the camera. Then, he showed him how to focus the lens and how to clear up the picture. Saeran felt a little weird about it since this was his first time holding a camera but V was patient as his uncertainty slowly washed away.

He looked at the flower outside of the lens at first, then he looked at the screen again. Saeran thought about it. Would the picture look the same as the real thing? Would someone who saw the photo know exactly what Saeran felt when he was looking at the flower? Or, would they guess as to what he felt? Would they feel that fluttering feeling, too?

“When you want to take a photo, you hit the button. Go ahead, give it a try.”

Saeran hit the switch on the side of the camera and waited a few seconds for the image to show itself on the screen. A wide smile appeared on his face as soon as it did. He couldn’t believe it! He’d taken a photo and it looked just like his flower! Lowering the camera soon, he looked at V who was smiling, too.

He wished that he could show Saeyoung! He never took a photo before and this one reminded him of his brother so much! He was happy, so happy that he had been able to try something new, that he didn’t even realize that he had begun to giggle, “I did it! Dad, I did it! I took the photo!”

“You did a good job, Saeran. Would you like to keep trying?”

V ruffled his hair once again, the mint locks growing messy around his eyes as it would always do whenever the man did that. The breeze was no different, further messing up his hair but he’d decided he didn’t care about that. His hair could be as messy as he wanted and nobody would get onto him for it.

Saeran’s smile didn’t fade away this time. The prospect that he was allowed to try something more than just once was still a foreign feeling, but it was one that he wasn’t afraid of. “Do you mean it? I can take more photos? I don’t have to just take one of them? I can take anything I want?”

“Of course, Saeran. I’d be happy to show you how to take pictures of anything you want. There is no limit to what you can take. Those flowers, those trees, the lake just beyond them, the sky, the clouds, you, me, anything you want! I remember you said that you wanted to be able to see your flowers even when it was rainy… and this way you can. You can take pictures of as many flowers as you want.”

Saeran’s eyes sparkled with excitement. He turned away from V and began to look around the garden for anything that might catch his eye. He didn’t know where to start. He never expected to be able to do something like this! What kind of pictures would he like to see? Oh, could he take photos like V and surprise him the way that he did?

There were so many ideas running through him and he knew that he wanted to try all of them as soon as he could.

He was renewed with the idea that maybe, just maybe he would be able to send these photos to his brother somehow. Wouldn’t Saeyoung love to see them? He gripped the device tightly in his hands and set off into the garden leaving V as he went to take photos of everything. His eyes looking at the earth and the sky, taking photos of everything without feeling like he was being held down.

If he could have photos with him whenever he went off what he loved, he wouldn’t be afraid to try new things anymore. It wouldn’t be scary because he wouldn’t be alone. He could have the stars, the sun, the clouds, the sky, the flowers, his house, V, himself, and anything else that he could think of with him anywhere.

If it was printed or on this camera, he could have it any time he wanted it without having to make a fuss. He wouldn’t have to ask V if he could go outside first, he could sit at the table and see his things while he tried to do other things inside! The idea made him happy and the camera that was in his hand made him feel liberated.

Saeran wondered as if V would let him borrow his camera all the time!

—

Seasons passed and life changed just as quickly as the tides could crash against the shore of your favorite beach. It had been a few years since V had adopted Ray and ever since then, his life had been on a path that was leading him upward to the stars instead of down below to where waters lay underneath his feet.

Ray had been able to go to school and attend the same one that his dad had attended without trouble, and nobody once ever questioned him or thought twice about who he was. They all thought him to be Ray Kim, and nobody had any reason to think that he wasn’t who he said he was. They all assumed that he was who he said he was from the start and that had cleared up a lot of Ray’s fears.

It couldn’t have worked out any better. Ray had been scared to try new things for such a long time but the reality was when V gave him his first camera… It was like a whole new world of opportunity was handed to him. V spent hours showing Ray how to use his camera and he was a faster learner, constantly taking notes and tinkering with ideas that he had just as quickly as he read on what to do.

The camera meant so much to Ray that V decided to give it to him. He had the money to afford a new one, anyway, so he wasn’t too worried about that. It meant more to him that Ray had this thing that made him happy. He loved taking pictures a lot. It reminded V of when he used to use all of his time as a child drawing and painting, and when he saw that passion in Ray’s eyes that he had once seen in himself?

He realized what his mother had meant all those years ago.

She hadn’t been trying to pry into his life or make him do something she wanted. She wanted him to follow his heart. Through therapy, he was able to focus on learning that fact.

He wanted to show his mother that he could do what she did, or at least, what she tried to do. He wanted to support Ray’s dream to be an artist, to be a photographer, too.

Ray’s photos were… breathtaking and he only got better with time and practice. His skill was astounding, he was capable of tricks and feats that had taken V years to figure out on his own so it meant everything to know that giving Ray a camera had been the right thing to do. Even as he got older and studied hard, he never let go of his passion with his camera.

When he wasn’t doing his homework, or spending time with his gardening club, he was taking photos.

His skills were well-admired.

V knew that Ray had potential and he wanted to help him chase that dream even further, but he also knew that Ray’s face couldn’t be shown as the artist for now. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t worthy of a gallery with his name on it but he deserved something to prove how much his hard work meant.

He was stubborn, polite, hard-working, and determined to pay people back for kindness. He never asked V very much if he could help it. Even Jumin had commented that his son was rather selfless time and time again, jesting that he had been spending too much time with his father.

All and all, Ray had grown into an upstanding young man who had a bright future ahead of him, even if he couldn’t have everything. He had a family and friends that cared about him, and he was so very far from the little frightened boy that he had once been. Nobody would have ever believed that the boy with mint curls was once a redhead who lived in fear, clutching to his twin like he was a lifeline.

The RFA had prospered as well, though Ray wasn’t a member of the group.

He was anxious around big parties and crowds so it was better for him to avoid that. But, he still spoke to the members that were in the group that his Dad belonged to. He liked talking to Jumin, as it turned out, they had a lot in common. Ray was polite and formal when he spoke, and Jumin’d been like that all his life. So, they hit it off great.

There had been some trips V and Jumin took, bringing Ray along with them to the countryside since he couldn’t leave Korea for his safety. Ray often spent those days staring at everything he could find and asking Jumin about the history or background of the places they traveled. He loved to learn and listen, and Jumin loved to share that with someone. It humbled V to see his friend and son get along.

Jaehee was courteous to Ray as he often was with her, though, he was the first person to ask Jumin to make fewer cat projects to quote, “not stress Miss Jaehee out.” Ray liked to talk to her because she’d always listen to whatever he was invested in. He would, in turn, listen to her talk about Zen for a while. Their friendship was built on having someone close by who knew what it felt like to want to be heard.

Speaking of Zen, the actor spent a lot of time looking out for Ray… somehow even more so than Yoosung. It might have been because Ray was awfully small for his height and if someone tried to fight him, he’d probably lose before they breathed on him. Zen was always trying to give him advice about the world and Ray took it, but everyone would correct the advice if it turned into his dating advice.

Yoosung was the closest in age to him but they didn’t have a lot in common. They would share notes and study guides often if they shared a subject in school, even though they were going to the same school, but they talked now and again about other things. They surprisingly shared a lot of recipes together and would work to make them if the RFA was in the same place for an extended period.

Rika was around, of course, and Ray didn’t mind her too much. They didn’t talk often but she always checked in on him whenever she got the chance. Her dedication to herself had done a lot of wonders for her, but she still struggled with the fear that she might hurt Ray without meaning to so she kept to a polite distance from him apart from this or that.

V himself was trying his best to be a good father. He made mistakes now and again, but he was doing his best to be there for Ray when he needed someone. Ray had even started calling Dad a long time ago without thinking twice. It was an honor to be given that name, and he would be a liar if he said he didn’t cry that night after Ray went to bed. They spent a long time trying to be sure that bond was tried and true.

Ray had the life that his brother always wanted for him… with one exception to the very rule, he wasn’t in it. Saeyoung wasn’t in his life. He was trapped within the agency and the promise that he had made, but he still thought to this day that his promise was worth it. V couldn’t ever tell him anything about Ray the few fleeting times they got to talk about things on the phone, but he did know that the “cat” was doing better than ever.

Life was different.

But, at the same time, life was better than it had ever been.

However, as he thought about how sad it was that the boys couldn’t see each other, the gears in his brain began to churn. He wanted the boys to have a chance for something, but to give them a chance, he would have to be careful about what he did. As he looked out the window of his kitchen to the backyard, he saw Ray taking photos again, laying in the glass as he stared at the sky once again.

Could he give Ray and Saeyoung a gift at the same time?

V would have to think deeply about this.

—

Seven had received a simple invitation in the mail that wasn’t labeled and wasn’t decorated. It was a mint-colored letter that told him who it was from but wouldn’t reveal to Vanderwood, his handler, that it was a message from someone that he cared about. He had to wait a few days to open it because he had just moved into his new house and Vanderwood had to help him set up a lot of things.

When he opened the letter, he’d been surprised to see that it was a decorated invitation to visit V’s upcoming art exhibition. He was supposedly showing off new works that he had done as well as the works of his new assistant that had just joined him. That didn’t strike him as odd at first, but what did stand out was the message that V penned at the bottom of the letter.

There was just one sentence.

The cat will be there on display. — V

Seven was able to put two and two together. He realized that V was implying that his twin was going to be showing off art for the first time, underneath a pseudonym, of course, but he didn’t once think that his brother would be able to do something like that. He had no idea of the life his twin was living, what he did, what he loved, who he was now, or what it meant to be a part of his life the way that V was.

That was just it… he wasn’t apart of Saeran’s life. He was just his brother that had to leave him, and that was it. He hadn’t seen him in years and a part of him wanted badly to know how he was doing and what he was doing with his life, and this alone should’ve been enough to make him be sure that Saeran was safe and happy.

But, his stomach twisted in knots as he realized that he wanted to go. He wanted to go there and see Saeran in person if he could. It wasn’t a good idea, it was a dangerous idea, but the more he thought about his brother, the more he felt like he needed to see him. He didn’t want to risk any part of Saeran’s new life.

He didn’t want to be the wrench that destroyed everything that Saeran had, because if V was able to do these kinds of things for him, then that meant he was happy. It meant that he had nice ways of living now, and that he had anything he could ever want. It seemed good to know that much, at the very least. He stared at that invitation for the longest time.

He didn’t know what to do with himself because he was between wanting to go to see what he looked like all grown up and happy, but the other part of him warned that if he went, he would risk Saeran’s life all over again. Even if he was careful and lied about everything, it might still put a target on Saeran’s back.

Seven spent a long time thinking about it.

The choice was his to make and V didn’t say that he had to go. He just made it an option that he could choose to come if he wanted. If he could come, anyway. V didn’t know certain things for his own protection. He only knew Seven’s new address for emergency reasons in case something went wrong with Saeran and they had to run through proper protocol.

Should he go and risk it all?

Or, should he stay and keep this letter as a token that Saeran was safe?

It was a big choice to make and he didn’t know the right answer, and there was nobody to ask or talk to about the answer that he wanted to make. Nobody could make it for him and he had to do it on his own. That’s what he always had to do. He always had to decide things that were above his pay grade… it was the price of being the big brother, he always told himself.

In the end, Seven decided to risk it.

He made a plan for it and worked himself into the ground for days ahead of time so he would have a day off. Those didn’t come very often and Vanderwood wouldn’t bother him as long as the work got done. If he didn’t, they would drop by and remind him what was at risk if they’d shirked off when they didn’t need to. When they weren’t supposed to. Their lives were on the line and that was the truth.

The agency had never been like the movies.

It was much, much worse.

This wasn't the kind of life or you could just hack something and get paid for it. They did expect him to be able to do things without a single question. He was expected to absorb information like a sponge and that was all he had to do. If he couldn't keep up with everything that they planned out for him, then it would just end poorly. It would end the same way that Vanderwood had been telling him… in his death.

He didn't plan on dying anytime soon if he had anything to say about it. He was going to keep living because he needed to. There was no other choice in his heart. His brother needed him to be alive and that was the only way it had to be. It was the only way he was going to let it be. He was doing this so he could have the last bit of motivation in his heart to know that he was doing the right thing.

He kept telling himself that if he saw Saeran just one more time…

Just one more time.

It would never happen again and he would never let it be that way. It was a selfish desire because he had already wasted a lot of time by waiting until late that morning with his brother all those years ago. He couldn't leave his brother in the middle of the night. His brother was afraid of being alone in the dark and he waited for sunrise because if he could do anything that day, it would be to leave his brother feeling hopeful instead of the gotten.

He knew that it was going to take some time for them to be able to remove his twin brother from that place. It wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to be simple. He knew that it could take weeks for them to be able to remove him.

To leave Saeran was to break his heart. The only thing that he could offer him that last day was the sunrise. He wanted to be able to wash it with him but if his twin knew that he was leaving, he would have tried to come along. He couldn't let that happen. He could have never told him no and that's why he left the way he did.

Seven disguised himself the day of the event. If there was one thing he learned in the agency, it was how to dress himself up and look so unlike himself that he could wander around without fearing people recognizing him. He did have a few favorite disguises that he liked to wear. Even though the agency had forced him to do this because he was young and young people were easy to blend in with the crowd, he had been able to learn that he actually really liked dressing up. He never would have known that before this.

There was just something very validating about being able to dress up. It made him feel good about himself which didn't happen very often. The fact that he had this skill was definitely a comfort because if he was going to break all of the rules, he wanted to make sure that he was going to be safe. Anything that would stop him from putting his brother in danger was going to be for the best.

The gallery show was being held at the same place that he met V. He knew exactly where it was and he knew how to get there. For him to be able to confront it, he decided that the best way for him to handle it was to drive halfway there, and then walk the rest of the distance and get a taxi if he needed it. He was already covering his appearance but he wasn't going to take any chances with someone tracking him. He could never leave any loose ends for himself.

It took a little bit longer to get there, but he was able to get there in just the nick of time.

Seven allowed himself to catch his breath as he stood in the doorway and looked around the room. There was definitely a crowd that'd come to see the show, so it was hard to tell as to where everyone would be. He drew in this short breath and looked around again, trying to spot his brother in the sea of people. He felt dejected when he didn't see him, but he saw V after some scanning and found himself pausing to see what he would do.

"Thank you all for coming today, I hope that you are able to enjoy the collections of work that has been displayed today. What I have been working on myself pales in comparison to my assistant, they prefer to remain out of sight for their privacy, of course, but they want you to enjoy their collection with an open mind. Every artist puts their heart and soul into what they capture, and the reflection on the canvas is just the feeling that you can define for yourself. Whatever you see is what is in front of you. The same feeling that the artist feels when they decide to convey their emotions."

The crowd gave their gentle affirmation in response and cheered for his words. Though, Seven met his eyes and the man smiled back at him. It took away some of the anxiety that he was feeling. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to take the risk?

As the crowds dispersed and began to look around, Seven decided he would do the same thing. After all, nobody would know him underneath this long wig and costume, and since he hadn't seen Saeran, he wanted to see his photos. He managed to find where they were located in the gallery after passing what he knew to be V's unmistakable photos of the sky. He always felt really good whenever he saw those photos of the Galaxy, but he wasn't looking for that today.

The photos shifted from the stars to something else entirely, something he didn't expect to see. The first photo he saw was of the sky… unlike the stars in V's hands, this was the clouds. It was the bluest sky he had ever seen. The clouds were arranged in a pattern that looked like fruits to him, like a strawberry. Saeran had always loved the blue sky… this had to be one of his photos.

If he stepped some more forward, he would find a photo of all kinds of scenery. There were sprawling fields of flowers, beaches filled with shells, lakes and the lily pads that bathed them, even expansive gardens that looked ripe with love and care. It was overwhelming to see all of these photos because they were places that his brother had always wanted to see. It overwhelmed him to see it. Each one of those photographs was labeled with Assistant. It was all by Saeran's hand.

His twin had been able to capture everything that he saw. It was like standing next to his brother as he was able to experience these things for the first time. He missed out on seeing his brother's face for the first time when he got to witness all of this, but seeing all of these photos gave him a chance to have that experience firsthand. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

When he came to the end of the hall, he found the last photo.

It was a photo of a single red flower. He leaned over to look at the caption to see what it was called, this one was named Gladiolus. He didn't know that word. Was it the flower? Did it stand for something? It was such an intense looking flower. It made him question the feeling that he was experiencing.

"Gladiolus, named for the Latin gladius, meaning sword. In Rome, they stood for the gladiators that fought valiantly with their brothers in arms. They symbolize strength and integrity. In some cases, they can also mean remembering a Fallen Friend, or thinking of someone who meant everything to you," a humble voice spoke from the side as Seven stood there in front of the photograph.

"Interesting," Seven said, as he turned his head to meet V's gaze. Couldn't alright say what he was thinking. "Does that mean that this…"

V smiled. "Gladiolus grows often in my growing garden these days. My assistant cherishes them dearly because they’re a reminder of someone who he hasn't forgotten since the day he had to move on without them. There are plenty of portraits of flowers here, some of their meanings are listed underneath the photographs. Feel free to look at them all. I'd say this one is the most striking, though."

This flower was dedicated to his older brother… It was a photograph meant to truly symbolize Saeyoung. Saeran hadn't forgotten about him. It had been his biggest fear that his brother would move on and forget about him. Even though he tried to live without thinking about his brother in the life he was living now, he selfishly wished that his brother would still think of him fondly, if not kindly, but at most fondly.

Despite everything, his brother still thought of him after all these years.

V silently stepped to the side and Seven looked beyond him to see what he had been blocking. Across from him and on the other side of the room stood his twin brother, his hair now dyed a minty shade, and green contacts obscured his golden eyes, but there was no mistake. His brother was smiling and laughing alongside those closest to V, those that were in the RFA that V had told him all about.

Jumin Han and Jaehee Kang were conversing with Saeran, while Zen and Yoosung Kim had their hands on his shoulders, being the ones in the room who made him laugh. That was the thing he could see from his vantage point as the crowds were moving in and out of the way. But, there was no doubt about what he saw.

It looked like a family.

Seven felt his eyes welling up with thick tears for the first time in a very long time. He knew he was crying but he couldn't stop it. Saeran looked happy and free and it was all thanks to his Dad, V. He was speechless at that moment and he didn't know what to say. He rubbed furiously at his eyes but it did nothing to quell the tears.

This was all he ever wanted for his twin brother.

"I bought this painting for you," V broke his train of thought by saying something. "This is yours, after all. I know that you can't have any more than this, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a piece of him with you. It's very common for the people that you know to collect, isn't it? Who's to say that you weren't interested in collecting? Think of it as my gift."

Seven wanted nothing more than to hug V at that moment. He couldn't make a scene or be recognizable in any way, but he felt like the man understood what he was trying to say and convey. "Thank you, V… thank you. I don't know what to say."

Their time had run out as an alarm began to react on Seven's phone. V pressed his hand to his shoulder and nodded at him, "Even if the rest of the world tries hard to keep my sons separated, I'll do everything in my power to make sure that they can have a piece of each other to hold onto no matter where they are in the world."

"Your assistant has a very bright future, foster his skills," he smiled back at him despite the pain. He watched as V headed back to the little group with their family. Saeran hugged V and said something that Seven couldn't hear, but the happiness on his face was telling enough. Laughter and all sorts of things spread between them. The group began to talk amongst themselves and by the time that V turned around to see where Seven was, the lonely hacker was gone again.

Just as quickly as he had appeared.

As was the photo of Gladiolus.

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nhlarchived · 5 years ago

Text

NYC ~ Mathew Barzal

Chapter Five

Ch. One ~ Ch. Two ~ Ch. Three ~ Ch. Four ~ Ch. Five

Word Count: 2,429

Warnings: Mature Language / Possible TW in the restaurant part if you don’t like being starred at.

Wattpad

Next thing I knew I was being woken up from Mat shifting in the bed next to me. Feeling like I was still in a dream, I decided to ignore it and tried to fall back into the sound sleep I was in.

“I’m going to practice with Dennis, the kids are coming too. You shouldn’t have a problem leaving. I’ll talk to you later, have a good day.” I heard Mat whisper into my ear before planting a kiss on my temple. I smiled at the feeling and statement but needed at least two more hours of sleep to function, and his bed was way too comfortable for me to move from.

After officially waking up, I checked the time that sat a quarter after 10:00am. It took me a couple seconds before the time had actually sunk in. 10:15am? I was only supposed to wait until just after 1:00am to leave. My hands hit my face and rubbed my eyes awake. I couldn’t believe I accidentally slept the whole night in his bed, and was now completely alone.

I knew Mat wouldn’t be back from practice until after noon, and thankfully I vaguely remembered him telling me Dennis was bringing the kids. I combed through my hair with my fingertips, roughly putting it into a bun, ponytail thing. There wasn’t much else I could do as I didn’t plan on staying there overnight. I took a couple more minutes to check my phone as my brain woke up before heading out to go home.

The basement was utterly dark but I somehow managed to get up the stairs in one piece only using my phone light. I opened the door that led to the main floor, double checking to make sure the coast was clear, just in case. After waiting several moments without hearing a sound, I quietly stepped from behind the door and gently closed it behind me. I then slowly paced to the kitchen side door that led to my parents house.

“Cassie, funny seeing you here.” I heard Rebecca call from behind me. It felt like my heart had dropped, hitting every organ on the way down. I froze with one hand on the door handle as I felt her eyes stare through my back like a burning fire. I began to sweat and tried to decipher if my best bet was to make a run for it, or make up some crazy story.

“Rebecca. Hey! How are you?” I stuttered out, turning hesitantly to watch her. She came from the hallway I had just exited and took a seat at the kitchen table. Seeming almost unphased by my presence as if this was normal.

“That’s so funny I️ could have sworn Mat said you went home before we got back last night.” She inquired. At this point I was sweating so bad it probably looks like I had just run through a rainstorm. Every second felt like an hour and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pull myself to respond.

“You do realize you can tell me the truth and I️ won't kill you right?” She laughed taking notice to my nervousness. I let out a hard breath that I didn’t realize I was holding, feeling like an elephant fell off my chest.

“Did Dennis tell you?” I questioned figuring he was the one who ratted me out about the other night. I decided to join her on the other side of the table coming to realization that this was definitely conversation we needed to have.

“Please. This house is littered with security cameras. Which I just so happened to check up on to make sure the kids went to sleep on time. Stumbling upon some scary movie neither of you could keep your eyes on.” She responded jokingly to answer my question. My cheeks warmed with embarrassment knowing now that she’s seen our heated make out session in her basement.

My hands hit the top of my forehead. Figuring this was it. This was how I was going to get fired. I knew it was a bad idea but I couldn’t resist, and you know what? I don’t regret a thing either. It was worth it.

“Like I️ said I'm not mad I️ promise. And I️ respect that you at least waited until the kids fell asleep first.” She added, reaching her arm across the table to rub the top of my arm in attempts of calming my clearly stressed state of mind.

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again I’m sorry. It was kind of hard to resist.” I explained to Rebecca. I tried to say it jokingly to convince her I wasn’t stressed to the point of swearing I have 70 new grey hairs.

“As long as the kids don’t see it then I’m fine. I️ support it actually. He seems to be a really nice guy. I️ know you both, you’re compatible. And I’d be lying if I️ said I️ didn't expect this before agreeing to let him live here.” She continued. The more she talked, the better I felt.

“But Dennis seems so serious about it.” I replied, referring to his cold attitude towards us the past couple of days.

“He’s uptight like that he’s fine. He already knows, we’ve talked about it.” She concluded with a giggle. “Besides. Mat has made it very obvious that he seriously likes you.”

Her words made my stomach flutter. He’s made it obvious he liked me, but I still have yet to figure out if it’s serious or not. It’s still too soon to tell, yet having her reassure me that he’s definitely interested was something I didn’t realize I desperately needed.

“You really think so?” I added wanting to hear her say it again.

“Definitely. He hasn’t stopped talking about you. He’s really bad at keeping secrets with people he’s friends with by the way.” She confirmed. My mouth pulled into a smile hearing that he’s been talking about me, and the fact that they were ok with it. It seems as if nothing could go wrong now, right?

“Thank you Rebecca. You always know how to calm me down.” I finished before standing up from the chair to give her a hug.

“Anytime Cassie. Please know I’m always here to talk, okay?” She promised. I nodded my head before we said our goodbyes and I was finally walking out the door to return home.

Upon arriving at the train station my phone began to ring. I pulled it out of my pocket while Mat’s number played across the screen. Absentmindedly, a grin appeared across my face while my thumb slid across the glass to answer it.

“Hey, how was practice?” I questioned sweetly as I swiped my metrocard through the ticket machine.

“Surprisingly went very well. I️ think I'm starting to get used to the new pace.” Mat answered. I could hear in his voice that he was smiling on the other side of the line.

“Well that’s good!” I responded enthusiastically walking up to the platform where my train would be arriving shortly.

“I️ actually called because I️ have a question though.” Mat added in a more serious tone.

“Yeah, What’s up?” I replied. My heart beat began to strengthen as I worried what the question could possibly be, or if Dennis had spoken to him about last night.

“I️ was wondering if maybe you wanted to go get lunch with me now that practice is over.” Mat proposed. Instantly my insides jolted in happiness as a prominent smile carved into my features. I tilted my head down to face the ground hoping the people surrounding me didn’t notice my sudden, extreme excitement.

“I️ would love to.” I happily accepted trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

While I was on the train we agreed to meet up at a simple little sit down restaurant close to my apartment. By the time I arrived he was already there. We sat down in a booth with Mathew directly across from me. The restaurant was cozy. There was a good amount of sunlight coming from the windows that reflected off tiny pieces of colored glass throughout the room. It wasn’t a fancy restaurant, it was very modern, but nonetheless it was the perfect spot for a first casual date.

I couldn’t help but have a warm feeling at the fact Mat wanted to take me out to lunch. Finally being able to meet outside of the house with no one around to stop us, and not having anything to worry about.

“So did you make it out alive this morning?” Mat joked while scanning over the menu. I laughed at his comment.

“Barley, not without having several heart attacks first.” I responded, taking my own menu into my hands.

“What do you mean?” Mat added, his eyes meeting mine over the top of our menus.

“Rebecca saw me leaving then proceeded to explain that they have security cameras.. everywhere.. and she just happened to check up on us “watching” our movie.” I explained

“Damn it, we got caught?” He questioned. I could tell he wasn’t that worried about it as his tone of voice stayed fairly neutral.

“Yeah but she said they don’t care as long as the kids don’t see us.” I continued before looking back down at my menu.

“Well that makes this a lot easier” Mat implied, returning his sight to his own.

My facial features tightened as I didn’t quite understand what he meant. If he meant sneaking around would be easier, or if the relationship would be. The waiter came over to take our drink orders, cutting the conversation off. After they stepped away I decided to actually take some time looking at the food options to make a decision on what I wanted as I was too distracted by the conversation earlier.

I began to feel oddly uncomfortable. In a weird way. Like, one of those situations where you’re walking down a street and it feels like someone is following you. It felt like there was a presence around me. I looked up from my menu and scanned the restaurant to see if there was someone or something that could make me feel this way. It didn’t take long before my sight met with a boy, who I would say was around my age, staring at me intensely from across the room.

He was attractive, but his eyes were glued onto me. His elbows rested on the table while his hands covered his mouth as he talked to his friend in the seat across from him, who was clearly not paying attention. I shook it off hoping maybe he was watching someone or looking at something behind me, as there were plenty of distractions in this restaurant.

However, the feeling never eased. I then peaked behind me to see if his sight could be locked onto something else, but there was only a couple of empty booths before a plain cream colored wall. So, if he was still staring, I knew it was at me, which upon turning around I noticed it continued.

His eyes scanned up and down without looking away once. Even as he picked up his drink to take a sip. His stare felt like it was shooting through me like spotlights. I couldn’t figure out why he was watching so intensely, or what exactly to do about it.

“Cassandra?” Mat said while snapping his fingers in front of me, clearly trying to get my attention, pulling me out of the trance.

“Uh yes?” I responded while shaking my head attempting to shake the thought of the boy.

“Is everything okay? You’ve been spaced out for a moment and you’re beginning to look flushed.” He inquired. I figured telling him wouldn’t be a bad idea, and maybe he could switch seats with me.

“There’s a boy over there staring me down, it’s really weird.” I explained pointing directly to the man, making it obvious that I was speaking about him. Mat looked over the side of the booth to catch a glimpse of who it was.

Mathew immediately stood up which made my stomach crush into a little paper ball, nervous that he was going to make a scene in the middle of the restaurant. But instead, he came over to sit next to me on my side of the booth.

“Well then, let’s give him something to stare at.” Mat proposed while wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I turned to face him and noticed he was leaning over to connect his lips with mine.

I expected it to just be a small kiss due to the fact we were in public, but Mat was determined to give this boy a show. Next thing I know we were in a fairly intense make out session for a good minute as I hoped in the back of my mind that the waiter didn’t walk over in the middle of it.

Once Mat slowly pulled away I attempted to steady my breathing and heart rate once again. I forgot where I even was for a moment. I looked up towards Mathew and immediately met his eyes studying me, making sure I felt ok. I flashed him a smile of appreciation before turning to see the boy again, whose gaze was no longer to be seen as he was getting up to leave the restaurant.

“Thank you.” I said sincerely to Mathew, wanting him to know I strongly appreciated his actions. He planted a kiss on my mouth one more time.

“Anything for you.” He confirmed. I felt safe under his arm that was still around my shoulder. I was relieved to learn that he was protective, but not in an unreasonable way.

He decided to remain on my side of the booth for the rest of the evening, specifically so I’d feel comfortable. Every once in a while his hand would lay on my thigh with his thumb rubbing on the fabrics covering my skin. Not in a seductive way, it was more of a silent form of him reminding me that he was there for me.

The rest of the evening went beautifully and he even walked me to my apartment building before calling a taxi to take him home. After returning to my room I laid on my bed as the events of the day replayed through my head. I regretted not inviting him upstairs, but I figured that would be better for another time.

#mathew barzal #mat barzal #New York Islanders #nhl #hockey #imagine #au #fan fic #fan fiction #series

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aliteraryprincess · 5 years ago

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Zel by Donna Jo Napoli

Warning: Contains spoilers

Welcome back to Fairy Tale Friday! Today, by popular vote, we’re looking at the feature’s first retelling of “Rapunzel.” Sorry it’s so much later than I thought! As I said in my previous post, there was an issue with the library. Ultimately I just bought the ebook because it seemed that the library copy was never going to come. So let’s jump into Zel!

(Side note: Please excuse the rather horrendous picture. The kindle edition doesn’t have a cover photo for who knows what reason, and the lighting conditions weren’t ideal. Sorry!)

As a Retelling:

Napoli mainly draws on the German version of the tale by the Brothers Grimm, which itself heavily draws from the French “Persinette” written by Charlotte-Rose de Caumont de la Force. She begins the story by establishing the relationship between Rapunzel, nicknamed Zel, and Mother. While both the Grimm and the de la Force versions say that the witch/fairy raises Rapunzel/Persinette outside the tower until she is twelve, they do not give any details. Napoli begins her story during this point and shows the events leading up to Mother locking Zel away in the tower. Zel and Mother live in an isolated alm with only each other and animals for company except for the two times a year they go to the market in town. It is just a few days before Zel’s thirteenth birthday, and Mother leaves her watching a horse being shod at the blacksmith in order to buy her birthday presents. We see that Mother has no intention of ever letting Zel leave her almost immediately, though we don’t learn the reason. While Mother is buying cloth to make Zel a new dress, the shop woman guesses that Zel will be married within the year. This upsets Mother, who states in her narration that she and Zel must remain together forever. Meanwhile at the blacksmith, Zel meets Konrad, a young nobleman who becomes instantly smitten with her.

Napoli doesn’t give the reader the backstory of how Mother ended up with Zel until much later, but this seems like a good time to discuss it. It follows the set-up we find in most versions of the fairy tale: a pregnant woman develops a craving for the rapunzel lettuce (or parsley, depending on the version) in her neighbor’s garden to the point where either she or her husband steals it. The neighbor, a witch in the Grimms’ version and in Napoli’s, catches them and demands the child as payment. However, Napoli goes much further into this backstory, showing us why Mother makes this deal. Mother desperately wants a child but is unable to have one, causing a great amount of unhappiness and bitterness. She ends up making a deal with devils for power over plants with the promise that it will help her get the child she wants. In exchange, she barters away her soul and agrees to get her daughter to make a similar bargain. With her new power, the garden she plants flourishes and the rapunzel lettuce catches the eye of her pregnant neighbor. Mother is fully aware of this and uses it to her advantage. She refuses to sell the lettuce to the neighbor, making the woman desperate enough to have her husband steal it when the opportunity arises. Mother watches it all and allows it to happen the first time, but the second time she catches the man and asks for their unborn daughter in return for the stolen lettuce. She has to make thistles grow around him in order to torture him into accepting the offer, but he does eventually agree.

Mother moves Zel into the tower shortly after their day in town after she sees the effect meeting Konrad has on the girl. She realizes that Zel will not give up her wish to get married, even if she would receive the ability to converse with animals in exchange. So she changes tactics and convinces Zel there is someone who wants to kill her and she must stay in the tower to be safe. While the Grimms don’t give any details about the tower, de la Force goes into a great amount of description. Her tower is hardly an uncomfortable prison; there are all kinds of luxuries to amuse Persinette. Napoli chooses not to use this; Zel’s tower is a stone room with nothing but a hay mattress and a slop bucket inside. After initially putting her there, Mother comes to visit each day for an hour and brings food and drawing supplies for Zel. She also brings special herbs to keep Zel’s hair growing. None of the variations of the tale provide an explanation for how Rapunzel’s hair is so long, but it is implied that it is that length right from the start of her imprisonment. Zel’s hair does not begin to grow at such an alarming rate until she is in the tower. Before her hair grows out, Mother gets up to the tower by magically growing a nearby walnut tree. We don’t receive an explanation for why she chooses to use Zel’s hair instead. It causes Zel a great amount of pain, and she does beg Mother to go back to using the walnut tree.

In all versions of the tale, Rapunzel does not meet the prince until she is in the tower. The prince hears her singing and instantly falls in love. On her part, he is presumably the only man she’s ever met, and she falls in love with him too. However, as previously mentioned, Zel and Konrad meet prior to this and the meeting has a major effect on both of them. Konrad immediately becomes enamored with Zel despite their differences in class; he’s particularly captivated by how she interacts with his horse, Meta. After their initial meeting, he tries his hardest to find her without success. His obsession with finding her takes over his life for years, preventing him from marrying someone else. On Zel’s part, her interest is more in the horse, but Konrad does work his way into her artwork. They meet again years later when Konrad happens upon the tower while out riding. He instantly recognizes Zel, though she believes he is a hallucination. At this point, she has been in the tower for two years and is losing her grip on reality. However, she becomes convinced he is real after he climbs up her hair to meet her, and she accepts when he asks her to marry him. The two also have sex. He leaves the next morning with a plan to come back before Mother does and get Zel out of the tower. This is actually a bit different than most well-known versions of the tale. In both the Grimms’ and de la Force’s versions, the prince returns many times. Like Konrad, the prince in the German version plans to get Rapunzel out of the tower and brings silk each visit so she can make a ladder to climb down. In the French version, there is no mention of actually getting Persinette out of the tower.

As in the Grimms’ and de la Force’s tales, Zel and Konrad end up getting caught by Mother. In an even earlier Italian version called “Petrosinella,” the lovers actually succeed in their escape plan. In de la Force’s tale, they are found out because the fairy realizes Persinette is pregnant. This is also what happens in the original version the Grimms published. However, in subsequent editions, they changed it and Rapunzel gives away her secret by carelessly asking why the witch is so much rougher about climbing her hair than the prince. Napoli actually uses both of these. Mother returns before Konrad and tries to convince Zel to trade her soul for the ability to talk to animals. However, Zel confronts her about all the lies she has told. Zel calls Mother “darker,” “plumper,” and “heavier,” meaning in comparison to Konrad, though Mother doesn’t know what she’s talking about at first. Eventually, Zel tells her she has known passion with a man, and Mother is able to see with her magic that Zel is pregnant. She bites off Zel’s long braids and transports her to a desert. This is in keeping with the Grimms’ version of the story. While de la Force’s fairy does cut off Persinette’s hair and send her away, she is much kinder and puts the girl in an isolated yet comfortable cottage. Konrad and the princes in both versions of the tale suffer the same fate of blindness. Mother uses Zel’s cut off braids to bring Konrad back up to the tower and tell him he won’t see her again. He moves to attack her and Mother moves to defend herself, causing the braids to hit him and send him falling out the window. This is different from both versions. In de la Force’s, the fairy uses her magic to make the prince jump out the window. In the Grimms’, the prince jumps out the window himself to avoid the witch’s wrath. All fall into brambles, causing them to go blind. In the book, Mother uses the last of her strength the grow the brambles and then kill herself.

As in de la Force’s tale and the first edition of the Grimms’, Zel gives birth to twins. While her predecessors do so in isolation, Zel does not; she is found in the desert by some people and brought back to a town. She lives there, comfortable and content, with her children until Konrad comes. Konrad wanders blind trying to find Zel, just as the princes in the fairy tale do. When he finally finds her and the children, Zel’s tears restore his eyesight. This happens in both the German and French tales as well. However, while the Grimms’ story ends there, de la Force’s does not. Once the family is together again, the fairy sends snakes, dragons, and all sorts of unpleasant things to kill them. The prince and Persinette are determined to die together rather than live apart, which eventually moves the fairy to spare them and give them her blessing. There is some aspect of this in the ending of Zel. Though Mother is dead, she is able to watch everything happening and feel happiness.

My Thoughts:

One of my favorite aspects of this book was Mother as a character. While she does some truly terrible things, it is also clear that she really does love Zel. It is a selfish love, shown by the fact that she refuses to let her go, but it is still love. Zel acknowledges at the end that Mother was a good mother for the first thirteen years of her life. Zel has a happy childhood in a safe environment, and Mother encourages her to learn and be creative. However, she still acknowledges the harm Mother inflicted on her, which is as it should be. There can be happy moments in abusive relationships, but it doesn’t change the fact that abuse occurred. I also did see Mother as a bit of a victim of circumstances. The story is set in mid-1500s Switzerland. This is a society that expects women to get married and have children, and Mother is not able to do that. Her husband leaves her when it becomes clear she can’t have children. The devils prey upon her weakness and convince her that the only way to be happy is to do these horrible things.

I also really liked that Napoli explores how being locked in a tower affects Zel’s mental health. It seems natural that being alone almost all the time for two years and locked inside would eat away at someone’s sanity. She talks to the animals she meets as if they were human and spends large amounts of time examining colonies of ants and lice. She stops wearing her clothes except for when Mother comes to visit. She hallucinates and thinks about hurting herself. It’s very dark, but it feels realistic for someone in this situation. It’s also something this fairy tale invites us to think about. How could someone survive in these circumstances? I enjoyed seeing it explored.

However, Zel’s deteriorating mental health did cause one problem for me with the book. Considering the state she’s in by the time they meet again, I felt really uncomfortable with the relationship between her and Konrad. Even before this point, I did feel it was kind of insta-love. Konrad falls for her after only meeting her once. This is portrayed as obsession though; he is in love with the idea of her and doesn’t actually know anything about her at all. This is never addressed. They aren’t even able to get to know each other; she agrees to marry him during their second meeting. I understood why she would since she wants to get out of the tower. However, what bothered me is that she is not in a fit mental state to consent to sex. The whole thing felt creepy to me; he obsesses over her for years, her sanity is extremely questionable when they meet again, and then they have sex. It’s just kind of...ick considering the world we live in today. So while I overall enjoyed the book, this aspect kept my rating from being higher than it might have been.

My Rating: 4 stars

Other Reading Recommendations:

The starred titles are ones I have read myself. The others are ones I want to read and may end up being future Fairy Tale Friday books. I haven’t read many retellings of this tale, so there aren’t as many starred ones as usual.

Other Retellings of “Rapunzel”:

Bitter Greens by Kate Forsyth*

The Fairest of Them All by Carolyn Turgeon

The Crystal Heart by Sophie Masson

Golden by Cameron Dokey

Towering by Alex Flinn

Braided by Elora Bishop

With Blossoms Gold by Hayden Wand

My Name is Rapunzel by K. C. Hilton

More Retellings by Donna Jo Napoli:

Bound*

Beast

Spinners

Sirena

The Magic Circle

Breath

About the Fairy Tale:

Rapunzel and Other Maiden in the Tower Tales from Around the World by Heidi Anne Heiner

Coming in August:

First up will be the July poll’s second runner-up: “East of the Sun, West of the Moon.” The August poll actually ended in a tie between “Snow White and Rose Red” and “The Princess and the Pea.” So I’m going to do “Snow White and Rose Red” in August and then “The Princess and the Pea” in September. Thank you everyone who voted! Just so you know, my program is starting in August, so I’m not sure how quickly everything will be posted. But I’m going to try my best to make it all happen!

Have a recommendation for me to read or a suggestion to make Fairy Tale Friday better? Feel free to send me an ask!

#aliteraryprincess fairy tale friday #booklr #book photography #zel #donna jo napoli #rapunzel #fairy tale #fairy tale retellings #books

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thekitsune · 6 years ago

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The Psychic and The Crystal Gems Chapter 3

Do not worry everyone, the wait is over! I used my day off (thank you birthday! Woo 23 today!) to write the new chapter of the fic! Enjoy Also side note, if anyone every wants to draw fanart of the fic then I do not mind! ^^ Please let me see it though because I love fanart :)

Mob rolled over onto his stomach as he tried to get more comfortable on the couch in the temple. After the talk with the women known as the Crystal Gems, Mob was lead to a beach house built on a large statue of what looked to be a woman with multiple arms that took up the whole side of the cliff that it was built on. The inside of the house was built like a bedroom, living room, and kitchen all-in-one which caught Mob's interest before noticing that right next to it was some kind of temple doorway and a pad on the ground.

He was shown where the bathroom was before the women had walked off to do their own thing in their rooms. Steven had offered to cook Mob something, but Mob just asked if Steven had any milk as he hadn't been hungry. Thankfully, Steven still had some in the refrigerator which Mob happily took a glass of. As he drank, Steven had proceeded to ask Mob if he had anything on him which Mob replied rather accurately, "My school uniform."

Steven had proceeded to fall over in response before asking if he had any items or extra clothes that he needed to get, but Mob had proceeded to tell him that he only had his clothes on him. He left out the fact that he dropped his school bag when he was sucked into the portal. Steven had proceeded to run up the stairs and pull out some pajamas and clothes for Mob to wear which caused said boy to just look at them with uncertainty.

He had kindly refused the pajamas, but thanked him for the shirt and opted to just wear his school pants again come the following day. Steven happily accepted before asking Mob if he wanted to do anything in town. Mob had proceeded to think about whether or not there was anything in the town that would interest him. From what he saw though, there wasn't much that would catch his attention though. So he shook his head which caused Steven to pout before he snapped his fingers and dragged Mob upstairs to the location of Steven's bed and TV.

The next thing Mob had known, they were sitting on Steven's bed watching...some kind of show about crying breakfast foods. Steven had been happily humming the tune of the show's theme while Mob just sat there silently while mentally pondering what kind of TV shows this world had.

Mob's focus on the show had finally ended when Steven pointed out that he was getting tired of watching re-runs and pointed out that it was getting late. Looking over, Mob had noticed that it had gotten rather dark outside so he got off Steven's bed, bowed to him, and head down the stairs so he could go to bed. He could have sworn that Steven said something about wanting to have a sleepover party with him, but Mob wasn't sure as the moment his head hit the pillow on the couch, he was out.

The following morning, Mob had been...'gently' woken up when a weight smashed down on his stomach rather abruptly which jolted him from his sleep. When he opened his eyes, he noticed that the gem woman, Amethyst was sitting on his stomach while staring down at him. When Mob's focus cleared of any left over drowsiness, Amethyst had scratched the back of her head sheepishly and jumped off of him while apologizing as she had forgotten that he was now sleeping on the couch.

Mob had accepted the apology, but after two more days of it...he was fairly certain that this might be one of the pranks that Amethyst had mentioned when convincing Pearl to let him stay with them. All Mob knew though was that he might be developing a bruise or something on his stomach thanks to it. He was pondering about whether he should just begin sleeping with a pillow on his stomach.

Anyway, back to today, Mob had rolled over onto his stomach as he tried to go back to sleep. A nightmare had woken him late in the night. All he could recall was a man with flat dark hair and lines under his eyes. Someone had mentioned something to the man before both men had disappeared. Mob wasn't sure why, but when the dark haired man faced his direction in the nightmare, he could feel a terrible psychic pressure pushing down on him. As if the man was aware of Mob's presence.

All Mob knew though...was that he couldn't get back to sleep. Pushing himself up, he sat on the couch and tiredly glanced around the room to make sure that no one else was awake. Slowly, he stood up and headed for the bathroom. Thankfully, Steven had been kind enough to buy him his own toothbrush...toothbrushes as after the first day, he walked in to find Amethyst using his new toothbrush before he even had the chance to use it himself.

Staring at the mirror, Mob proceeded to brush his teeth while letting his mind drift like he normally did. Thoughts of how his family were passed by. Hopefully, they weren't too worried. Master would be able to console them. How was Master though? That thought caused Mob to feel even more down. The Body Improvement Club...hopefully they weren't worried either. He was still doing their daily exercises. Although, he had to bring Steven or Garnet with him whenever he did one of the club's daily runs. The first time he did it, Garnet stumbled upon him face first on the beach barely conscious. That was the first rule the Crystal Gems added that was aimed at Mob and not Steven apparently.

After rinsing his mouth, Mob walked out of the bathroom and headed back to the main room of the beach house. Looking over, he grabbed the shirt that Steven lent him...which was basically a copy of Steven's every day shirt. Thanks to Mob's slimmer frame though, it kind of hung on him at the waistline and head hole. Mob didn't mind though as it allowed more air from the beach in.

Walking over to the fridge, he opened the door and took a small cup of milk that Steven had gotten him at the store out. After retrieving the milk, he turned and headed out of the beach house. He decided to go for a walk along the beach to clear his head of his nightmare and to think about this new world that he found himself in.

Taking a sip, Mob let a small smile grace his lips for a moment before it returned to its normal stoic-ness. As he stared at the small cup of milk that Steven had bought him, he began to think about the lack of money that he had in this new world. He hated that he kept relying on his new acquaintance to buy him things. He did not want to keep doing it.

"Maybe I should get a job...but what would I be good at?" Mob questioned as he continued walking down the beach. All he knew that he could do was exorcise spirits...um..."But there is not any evil spirits around here..."

Looking back down, he noticed a small hermit crab walking across the sand. Bending down, Mob decided to watch the crab as it scurried across the sand. It was really interesting. The way it walked along the sand while carrying its home on its back. It was like a turtle in a way except it could leave its current home and get a new one. It was a truly fascinating crea-

"What are you doing?" a voice cut Mob's focus. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a slightly older girl in a white tank top, black running shorts, and a pink headband that helped hold her hair up looking down at him. Turning his head to look up at her, he stared at her for a moment before replying.

"Watching this hermit-oh...it's gone..." Mob's head dipped down slightly when he realized that the crab had left when he turned to face this girl. The girl sweatdropped at his reaction before sighing and bending down to face him at eye level.

"Sorry about that. It's just, I haven't seen you around before and usually, I do not see people when I go jogging in the morning. I'm Kikki Pizza, I work at my family's restaurant, Fish Stew Pizza," Kiki introduced herself while wiping some of the sweat off her forehead. If Mob had to guess, she had probably been jogging for awhile now.

Looking back at her, he slowly stood up to his full height and bowed to her before looking back up at her. "My name is Kageyama, Shigeo. Most people call me Mob though...It's nice to meet you Pizza-san," Mob introduced himself while Kiki just looked back at him with a confused expression.

"Why are you calling me Pizza-san? You can just call me Kiki," Kiki asked Mob who looked back at her with a blank face. Kiki waited for an answer, but after a minute she realized that he might not have one so she moved to ask again only for Mob to finally seem to find the words.

"I'm Japanese. In my culture, we refer to people with suffixes like '-san' or '-chan'. '-san' would be the equivalent of 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' At least, I think..." Mob explained to her which earned an 'oh' response from Kiki who stood back up and nodded her head.

"Okay then. It's nice to meet you Mob. I'm going to do another run along the beach before heading home so I can help open the restaurant. I'll see you around," Kiki waved to Mob before turning and jogging away. Mob watched as she ran off before turning back around.

"She was nice...maybe I can join her for a run next time," Mob pondered as he continued his walk down the beach. As he continued his walk, he made sure to raise a barrier whenever a wave got too high and was about to hit him. He really did not want to track water into the Crystal Gem's home. They were nice enough to let him stay with them after all.

While walking, he felt a slight breeze blow pass him that caught his attention. Glancing over, he saw a silhouette of a figure. Looking at it, he paused and turned to face it. It motioned for him to follow it before rushing off further down the beach.

Watching it run, Mob slowly stretched his legs for a moment running as fast as he could to try and catch up with it. Sadly...that was not cutting it as he began to run out of breath and stamina. Feeling his legs begin to get weak, Mob stopped running and fell to his knees while trying to catch his breath.

Feeling the energy again, he looked up while panting and saw the silhouette again. It looked at him before stretching its hand out in Mob's direction. The next thing that he knew, Mob found himself floating in the air and following after the silhouette again. Looking around, he was thankful that no one else was out to see him floating. While it wasn't his own power that was causing this, he still did not want anybody to find out that he was an esper yet.

He just wanted to have a normal life while he was here. A break from all the fighting and chaos that had happened recently back in his world was actually kind of nice. He hated fighting and the fact that he was nearly overcome with killing intent was still on his mind. If not for his master...

Shaking his head, Mob let out a small sigh as he let his sore limbs rest while the silhouette carried him. Since they were not moving that fast, he didn't get nauseous unlike when he uses telekinesis to move quickly like other Espers (such as Teru) do.

As it continued to carry him, Mob found a small portal open on the beach in front of it. Before he even had time to react though, Mob found himself entering the portal along with the silhouette. Blinking at the bright light that surrounded him and clouded his vision, Mob narrowed his eyes and looked ahead to see if he could still spot the silhouette. Sadly, this was the moment that it decided to drop him which earned a small 'oof' from Mob as his back hit a transparent platform.

"Welcome Shigeo, sorry for the drop. Now, I have something to discuss with you that has come to my attention," a familiar, bodiless voice announced. All at once, the light dissipated and left a tall black silhouette who was sitting on some kind of throne with its right leg resting over its left while leaning forward.

Standing up hesitantly, Mob looked around and continued to see endless nothingness. Realizing that he was currently trapped, he nodded his head in response to the entity. After all, if this thing had the power to open pathways to other dimensions than Mob did not want to upset it. Regardless of what it has done to him.

"Good good. I'm happy you aren't upset with me," at this Mob flinched as that was not necessarily true, "Now then. I want to apologize. Apparently, when I pulled you to this world, your power had caused a backlash. When I brought you to your current universe, the power inside of you clashed with mine. Thanks to this, ripples have gone off throughout your original universe and your current one that are causing temporary portals to open. Along with recurring ones. I've tried to contain them, but the negative energy is too strong thanks to being created by both of powers. Because of this, I have to let it run its course. The reason I'm apologizing is because of what is coming through them."

Mob felt his head spinning as he tried to understand what the entity meant by this. So...when it forced him to this universe, the psychic energy inside of him activated and fought back without Mob being aware of it. And now thanks to this, portals are opening? Is that right?

"Thanks to the portals not being stable enough, humans are unable to come through them. However, spirits are. And thanks to this, countless spirits, good and bad, have been transported to this universe. Now you have this side threat along with your current threat that I have brought you here to take care of. For that, I apologize. If you don't mind, please do your best to exorcise any of these spirits that you come across. Should you exorcise them, then they should pass on back to your original universe's afterlife," the entity explained to Mob who felt his head throbbing.

So now, it was telling him to do something else as well? Looking down at his feet, Mob nodded his head in response. Basically, what he was hearing was that he now had to do his part-time job from his home universe in the new one, but without his master...

"Good! I am happy to hear that you will do this task! Now I shall send you back before they begin to get worried about you," the entity cheered before opening a portal behind Mob. As it was about to send Mob through, Mob paused and asked it a question which caused it to stop as well.

"May I...speak to Master...or Ritsu before I go? To reassure them...that I'm alright?" Mob asked the entity while looking up at it. It didn't say anything for a few seconds while it faced away from Mob. As Mob was about to ask again, the entity finally spoke.

"I am aware that you miss your home Shigeo. And about your true feelings towards me at the moment. I am sorry that I am making you do all of this even though you do not want to or wish to. And on this end, I also apologize because I have to refuse your request. At the moment, I am exerting too much power on keeping the two universes in tact with my power until this portal mishap ceases. Until then, the only functional portal that can be used by people in any way, shape, or form is one to my home, this location. I am very sorry, Mob. If this portal mess gets cleared up before your main objective is finished then I will see what I can do, but that will not be for awhile. It's time for you to head back now," the entity stated while gently sending Mob out of the portal and back onto the beach of Beach City.

Mob just sat on the sand and stared at the grains as the wind and water carried them away.

87%

As he sat there, a hand landed on his shoulder which caused him to look up at the person casting the shadow over him.

He wasn't sure what happened because the next thing he knew was that he was being embraced by Garnet while he felt water run down his cheeks. Was...was he crying?

"It will be okay Shigeo," Garnet gently told him as she rubbed his back to comfort him while Mob silently let his tears drop.

84%

#mob psycho 100 #steven universe #mob shigeo #shigeo kageyama #steven #garnet #amethyst #kiki pizza #crossover fic #chapter 3 #The Psychic and the Crystal Gems #mob staring at animals XD

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gorillazfanboy97 · 6 years ago

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While on Spring break, Crews decided to open up his schedule for more freelance jobs, a lot of them were pretty easy and a couple of them were only mildly illegal but no one got hurt in the process, especially him. However, one day he is called up by what at first appears to be a local wrestling company promoter for a independent show known as “Elite Women of Professional Wrestling.” When Crews was told, he would be facing their top star in the main event he was damn near start struck. Him being a wrestling fan and actually participating in a match, let alone the main event, and to top it all off he would be paid a $11,000 cash upfront after participating. Even if he loses, which he doubts, he’ll still get paid. So he instantly agrees, although he has no wrestling gear, per say, he can use his boxing gear as a stand in, that being white shorts with black detail, black gloves, and boots. But he felt the need to buy legitimate black fingerless gloves, cause those boxing gloves would look ridiculous in the ring.

A day later, Crews drives to the location where an “EWPW” show would take place. He enters expecting it to be a small venue but is shocked is shocked to see that EWPW was just as, if not bigger then WWE with large amount of venue they have, as every seat in the arena had a butt in them. No wonder they offered him 11,000 dollars, that’s chump change to them. Regardless, he had a job he agreed to and is a man of his word. One security guard guides him to his personal locker room where he can get change. Once Crews gets to his locker room, he finds a lot of different women their, they weren’t just your average diva, they were all built like warrior women having such muscular and/or athletic physiques, it was kind of overwhelming in more ways then one considering his love for strong women in general but he calms himself and takes it in one at a time. Not letting his “friend” take advantage and make things awkward.

“So, you are my opponent tonight?”

Crews looks to his right as to where that voice came from and by the Gods, he had hoped it would be from the 5’11, muscular/thick, dark skin, Nigerian woman, with the dreadlock braids.

“You’re my opponent, right?” She asked again with a light smile.

Thank you, Jesus!

“Yes that’s me. I mean...hey there. My name is Crews. I’ll be your opponent tonight for the main event.” He said with a light smile as he puts his hand out to shake hers, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. My name is Tanya. You’re one of the people, who aren’t as humble to get in the ring with me.” She said to him kindly with a calm smile, “Much bigger too. You’ll definitely be an interesting fighter.”

“Uhh...fighter?” Crews said with a confused expression.

“Well, yes. We’re a combat sport league after all. They didn’t tell you that?” Tanya asked with her arms crossed in confusion as well.

“Wait a minute, isn’t this “Elite Women of Professional Wrestling?” Crews said with dumbfounded expression, “As in pro wrestling?!”

“Well, we have wrestlers here. But they’re more stiff competitors and everyone else are professional fighters.” Tanya explained to Crews, “Also, the promoter originally had wrestling but changed it once more stiff wrestlers and fighters showed up and felt too lazy to change it. Also something about wrestling selling more tickets then fighting.”

Crews was shocked and realizes what he has gotten himself into, a pro fighting league and now he has to take on the top star but has such an issue with this as he has never put his hands on a woman before. His mama would slap the black off of him.

Tanya smiles lightly and laughs a bit at Crews slight overreaction.

“Haha, do not over think it, Crews. You just do your best and I’ll do mine.” Tanya said with a relaxed tone and smile.

“I appreciate that but...I don’t want to you, Tanya.” Crews said in a concerned tone and expression.

“I assure. I’ll be fine.” Tanya said with her right, red clothed right hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly Crews got chills going down his spine, as if a demon of pure strength just walked past him. He looks back and all he sees is Tanya’s muscular/curvaceous figure. He looks down as his attention is drawn to her bare feet walking away, another thing that makes him a little “tense” in his pants.

“Hot damn she’s a barefoot fighter! Gah! Focus man! You can do this.” Crews said with an irritated tone then sighs, “Okay. Gonna have to come up with a strategy.”

Moments later, after such an intense and incredible show known as “EWPW”, it was time for a main event. Crews enters first, with a generic hip-hop song, blasting through the speakers, he makes it work and gains a couple of fans while making his way down but all the cheers is shrouded by chants of “TANYA’S GONNA KILL YOU” to the dismay of Crews, but he stays focused on his opponent, now ready for anything.

Tanya’s theme song blasts through the speakers as she makes her down to the ring with fans cheering ecstatically for the Nigerian Grappler. Once the two fighters were in the ring, the bell rings and the battle begins. Crews has his fists up and Tanya has her hands and legs apart, ready to fight. Crews seemed to have the upper hand by doing nothing but throw clotheslines at Tanya, knocking her down a couple of times, he smiles, runs to the ropes, bounces off and goes for another one but is met with a drop kick to the chest yard, knocking him down. Crews then tries to catch his breath but Tanya is doesn’t light up as she grabs his left arm and puts him in an arm bar, pulling hard. Crews grunts in pain and grits his teeth but doesn’t tap out. So he tries to find some ground control, picks himself up then lifts his arm a long with Tanya and slams her down, back first on the ring mat. Making her let go. Crews apologizes with his hands clasped together but Tanya acts fast and kicks him in the stomach with both feet, cause Crews to stumble back, she then jumps back up and knees Crews in the chin, knocking him into the corner. She then chops him with her left hand a cross his bare chest. He screams in utter pain, so most likely it hurts like a bitch. She then lifts Creas to the too rope, climbs up herself, then tries to lift him up. Tanya has a hard time as Crews was almost too heavy for her to lift up. Crews, low key taking offense to that, but feels bad at the same time to not make her look bad and makes a rational yet painful decision. He uses both of his legs to to give Tanya all of his weight as both competitors fall back to perform a super-plex, landing Crews back first in the middle of a ring. Tanya couldn’t believe it, as Crews helped her perform a move, something she has never had to struggle with. Crews slowly stands up straight, feeling incredibly exhausted. He then utters the words from Shinsuke Nakamura to Tanya, as she gets up, yelling: “COME OOOOOOOONNN!!!” She then runs at Crews performs a reverse bull dog from behind slamming him down face first. Crews was not doing great at all as he felt hesitant to swing at Tanya in any form, or perhaps there are other reasons.

Tanya rolls Crews on his back then sits on his chest, looming over the dazed and confused freelancer. She breathes heavily looking down at Crews and he just smiles looking up at her while breathing heavily himself.

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” Tanya asked him in a serious tone.

“A beautiful barefoot Nigerian goddess is on top of my almost naked body.” Crews said with a light yet exhausted smile, “Hell Yeah I am happy!”

Tanya chuckles under her breath and smiles. She then bends down forward and kisses Crews’s forehead.

“Thank you. But I’m afraid it’s time to go to sleep.” Tanya said with a light smile.

She begins wailing on Crews with her fist then grabs his arm, putting him in a triangle lock with her legs wrapped around his body. Even though Crews was in utter pain. He was also low key living a fantasy. Strange to some but to himit was magic. Crews continued smiling until everything went black and he passes out in the middle of the ring, where all that could be heard was a fading ring bell going off.

Later that evening, Crews gathers all of his stuff before heading back home, a long with some bruises, the Nigerian grappler taps on Crews’s shoulder. He turns around and sees Tanya wearing a gray hoodie with a with shorts, and a flip flops on her feet as well as Crews’s money in a packet in her hands.

“I believe this is yours.” She said with a light smile as she hands him the packet.

“Man, I almost forgot. I get hit pretty hard in that ring you know?” Crews said jokingly as he takes the money with a slight chuckle.

“Yeah sorry about that and thank you. Next time I’ll tell my promoter to give the freelance fighters aa heads up on what they get themselves into.” Tanya said with a slight shrug, “Anyways, thanks for your help. You’re surprisingly heavy for a man only 250 pounds. I’ve lift girls that are over 500 no offense.”

“Naw it’s all good. If there is one thing I’ve kearned in wrestling, is that selling is everything. Plus you’re Tanya. The Elite Warrior. Can’t have you looking weak.” Crews said with a confident smirk, “Especially when the hits actually hurt...damn my chest.”

“Probably best not to have an erection in the ring, when selling that hold.” Tanya said with a flirtatious smirk, “But don’t worry, I hid it.”

“Jeez...Wait his it with wha....oh. OOOH...” Crews said blushing a bit with a shocked expression, “You...mean you...”

Tanya lifts her right leg up and pins Crews to the locker with her foot on his chest.

“Ssshh...a woman never reveals her secrets and that will be our little secret.” Tanya said to him with a light smile yet seductive tone in her voice.

Crews being a man of unique taste knew that, this woman would break him in half, both in and outside of the ring and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Would you maybe...wanna hang out sometime?” Crews asked nervously with a light smile, “Or you know, kick my ass somewhere more...private?”

“Hmm...I’d be delighted to.” Tanya said with a light smile as she kisses Crews on his lips lightly.

The Elite Warrior steps back and walks away, waving goodbye to Crews and waves back awkwardly, as this will be added to his strange, awkwards, and painful lifestyle. But someone like Tanya makes things, a lot more comfortable and rewarding.

WOOOOOO! That took 5 hours to finish. So yeah, remember Crews? Aka my least note worthy OC because I haven’t done sh*t with him? Yeah, I think I should do something with him now, so why not bring two worlds together with The Free Lance Worker and Elite Warrior of “EWPW”? I admit I took some liberties with Tanya, but at the same time I want to introduce a particular side to her, never truly explored. Aka, her love for strong men. I’m not talking about physically, cause she bodies those guys like it’s no big deal, naw we talking mentally and emotionally strong, which is why Crews is the perfect candidate, so yeah. They f**king! God I need help! :D

This art was done by Vanbrand Works. Love his stuff. Check it out. :D

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1023080197-blog · 7 years ago

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Old Hook Takes On Storybrooke

Who: Old!Hook, Rumpelstiltskin, Killian Jones, Emma Swan. [Mentions of Henry Mills, Regina Mills/Evil Queen, Robin Hood, Gideon] When/Episode Base: 6x11. Where: Storybrooke. Triggers: Almost smut, sex jokes, drinking. What: What would happen if Old!Hook went through the portal after Emma, Regina, and Robin? Word count: 3,814 Author Note: Hi, everyone! Being an aspiring writer, I’ve been wanting to start writing CS/OUAT fan fiction for awhile now. I wrote this one-shot after joking around with @badasslass about Colin wanting a sitcom based around Old!Hook and funny events that would take place during it. I tried to bundle all the plot ideas into one story. I thought it came out not bad for my first fic and I decided I wanted to share it. So, please be kind! I hope you enjoy and thank you so much for taking the time to read! <3

** ~ * ~ * ~ **

A thunderous boom erupted in the midst of the dark forest, bursting through the trunk of a tree, sending the bark flying in several directions. The old, well-rounded man stumbled his way out as he coughed. He squinted as he stared around drunkenly, a nearly empty bottle of rum in his hand as he ran his palm over his unkempt salt and peppered scruff.

"The blazes am I?" He slurred, stumbling as he walked out and took in his surroundings.

The old pirate remembered waking up on the Jolly Roger and taking a stroll with his rum in hand. Somewhere along the walk, he came across what he assumed was a tavern and entered to find it deserted, with a very strange tree trunk in the center. Now he was here. Wherever here was.

** ~ * ~ * ~ **

Old Hook strolled through the strange town, taking sight of everything. He felt a migraine forming as if he was already beginning to become hungover; everything was so new and fascinating to the old pirate. Except for a few street lamps, the little town was quiet and dark. As he passed a shop with its lights on, he stopped and peered in through the window. Hook's vibrant blues took in all of the neat nicknacks, taking a liking to a few things visible from his stance. He might not have been as young and adventurous as he was back in the day, but he was still a pirate and prone to taking things of his liking. Hook's hand found the doorknob, jiggling and turning it to the best of his ability. Though, the damn door wouldn't budge.

He hummed to himself as an eyebrow darted up and his lips pursed. He swiftly turned on his heel as he tucked his thumb into his pants, looking from left to right to left again. Hook turned around once more, let out a long charge screech and ran straight into the door, left shoulder first. He stumbled back, losing his balance as he bared his teeth in pain and tottered down to the sidewalk. Hook panted as he gazed up in anger at the gold lettering, furrowing his silver brows.

He sat up and tried to pull himself to his feet, wiggling his out-of-shape body as he grunted and gritted his teeth. His eyes squinted in determination to make it, but he fell back again. The out of shape pirate rolled to his side and onto his huge belly, slipping a foot upright, resting his brace against the shop as he ungracefully brought himself to his feet, groaning louder and more dramatic than Frankenstein. Usually, the old salt would've tried to break down the door once more but realized getting himself up from the ground was a larger challenge than it should've been, so he decided to try the next best thing.

Hook sucked in a breath and threw his hook through the glass, shattering it. His hand carefully reached through the sharp shards remaining in the frame, searching for the lock. Once his fingers found it, he let out a cheer of victory, a grin bestowing upon his face. The door swung open and Hook waltzed in, humming as his fingers touched anything and everything, examining anything that he deemed possibly worth riches or fair trade.

"What are you doing, pirate?" He heard an unfriendly sneer from behind, turning to face a strange man.

Hook took him in, furrowing his eyebrows. He seemed familiar, but he just couldn't put his half-drunken aged finger on it. Old Hook drew his sword, as he stepped closer. Rumpelstiltskin raised his eyebrows, glaring at him in disbelief.

"And why are you dressed like that?" He sneered once more in distaste.

"Why are you dressed like that?" The pirate shot back, waving his sword in a circular motion at his appearance.

Gold's suit and tie surely were strange to him, and then it hit.

"Crocodile! I hadn't recognized you without the scaly-skin," he paused. "thing. Or without that ridiculous high voice of yours." He glanced back to the glass counter, picking up a gold watch before his eyes flickered back over to Rumpelstiltskin. He hopped as he imitated the Dark One's laugh, his belly jolting up with the rest of him. "Now, we duel." He pushed the sword out once more.

Gold just stared, genuinely uninterested. He waved a hand over the broken glass, the shards flying up from the ground and back into place as if it had never happened.

"You're drunk, pirate. I think it's time to get you home to Miss Swan. She can deal with you. I have more important things to attend to." He spoke, waving his hand once more and poofing Old Hook out of his shop and out of his hair.

** ~ * ~ * ~ **

"One hot chocolate, topped with whipped cream and cinnamon, for the lady." Killian half-smiled as he carried a hot cup of Emma's drink into the living room, little plate on the bottom of it as some splashed over the sides of it. Another hot chocolate was wrapped in his hook, although it was plain. "And one for me." He beamed at the blonde.

He placed them on the coffee table, before taking a seat next to Emma. The blonde smiled as she placed her book face down on her thigh. She reached her arm up, moving it around his shoulders, playing with his soft raven waves. Henry was at Regina's for the night, giving Killian and Emma some time to be alone and enjoy each other.

Emma brought her other hand to his chin, running her thumb and pointer finger along his scruff, "You spoil me." She kissed his cheek before she leaned forward and picked up the hot chocolate.

"It's only what my Swan deserves," He quipped, moving his hand along her back, smoothing over it. “You were bloody brilliant tonight, Emma. You fought amazingly, give a pirate a run for his coin." He grinned. "I don’t believe there’s a thing you can’t do.”

Emma looked up at him beneath her lashes as she sat back up, her ponytail swaying. She turned a slight pink as she sipped at the edge of her cup. “Thanks, Killian.”

"Careful, love. It's hot."

"Just the way I like my hot chocolate," Emma took another sip. "And my pirate." She teased, her hand reaching across his lap and holding onto the curve of his hook, raising an eyebrow at him.

Killian grinned, cocking an eyebrow back at her before he thumbed her chin. "You've got some whipped cream on your - " He trailed off as she leaned in, his eyes falling on her mouth before closing as her nose brushed against his.

Emma's lips latched onto his lower, and he sighed contently, his body relaxing as he sucked off the little bit of whipped cream she had. He loved it when she tasted like hot chocolate and cinnamon, sure enough, the strong spice of rum on his tongue only improved the flavor.

"Mmm," Emma giggled, as she brought her hand around to the back of his head, her leg swiftly kicking over his lap.

Killian mimicked the moan, the sound rumbling inside his chest. Emma laughed, as she pressed her body into his, the kiss deepening on both ends. Killian's hand pressed into the small of her back, his brace holding her to him as well. A warmth ignited in his chest, and suddenly he felt very hot, his blood rushing south.

It was almost as if Emma could sense it, her hands moving along his vest and making quick work of his buttons. Her hands moved to his buttoned-up shirt, doing quick work of that too, occasionally stumbling on some buttons. Her hands pushed his vest off and impatiently tugged his shirt out of his pants. Her hands ran up his stomach and over his pecks, to his shoulders and neck, her fingers happily brushing over his wiry black hair.

"You know, things would be a lot quicker if you could just," Killian breathed, from the fear of their clothing ending up in shreds. "flick your wrist and make everything disappear."

"What's your rush?" Emma teased as she caught her breath, biting down on her bottom lip as she pressed her forehead into his, the grin unstoppable.

"Our hot chocolate getting cold." Killian taunted, making her laugh against him.

"We have a microwave," Emma reminded, her voice deepening with desire before she kissed him again, her tongue teasing his lips.

Killian groaned, shifting under the couch, as he gripped her thigh with his hand and hook, pushing himself to his feet. Emma let out a girlish squeal; if she had a choice between making that ridiculous very bar-wench-like sound and being caught dead, she'd pick the second one. She held onto her pirate and placed rapid kisses along his cheeks and scruff and forehead and nose as he held her up. He giggled himself, as he went to carry her towards the staircase. In all, Emma was just exceedingly happy, since - well ever - and too wrapped up in her pirate to care how she sounded.

Killian thanked the Gods as they reached the final step, Emma's lips now moving over the right side of his neck and collarbone, nibbling at his jawline, her touch weakening him at the knees. Once he reached their bedroom door, he kicked it open, as he tugged the black band that confined her hair out of it, dropping Emma to the bed and crawling over her. The blonde let out a breathless laugh as she tugged him by his collar, the Britishman happily shaking the shirt off his upper body before he enveloped her lips into a passionate kiss, his hips rolling down. Emma lifted her body up, her fingers wrapping themselves in his chest hair, her others deep in the raven hair on the back of his head.

The sound of floorboards creaking filled their ears, beyond the kissing and heavy breathing. Killian stopped, keeping his forehead pressed against Emma's.

"I thought you said Henry was at Regina's." He breathed, his chest rising and falling a bit heavier than usual.

Emma gently pushed up on his upper chest, the two rising, bringing the blonde up on his lap. Killian stared at her, furrowing his eyebrows. She met his darkened blues, frowning in a way Killian would usually find to be the cutest thing. The expression was cute enough for him to want to kiss the expression off her face and push her back down against their bed and make her forget if he wasn't so confused, or concerned.

"I thought he was." She spoke as she ran a hand through his disheveled hair, looking at him in the same confused manner.

"I'll check, though, I'm sure it's nothing," Killian kissed her mouth thoroughly and quickly before he slipped from under her.

Emma bit her lip, watching the muscles ripple in his back, taking in the large and oddly shaped scars that covered his body from his merciless pirating days, as she ran a hand through her hair. She really did hope it was nothing. Killian stopped, turning around to look at her. He had a saucy expression to his face, quirking an eyebrow.

"And lass, when I return..." He trailed off, raising his eyebrows once.

The tone and expression of his voice caused Emma’s heart to stutter in her chest, a light and pretty shade of pink blooming across her cheeks. He had winked before he resumed leaving the room.

Emma sighed as the doe-eyed expression faded and the school-girl mood went along with it as she got up, following his footsteps anyway. She knew the reason why he insisted on being the one to investigate; she knew he was still scared and in a frantic from her doomed fate, let alone watching her nearly lose her life tonight after being separated. All in all, they were a team; Killian said so himself during their first adventure and Emma and Hook both knew very well that she was a tough lass who didn't need saving. If anything Killian seemed to be the one always needing his ass saved. Killian just happened to glance up as he walked down the stairs.

"What are you doing?" He whisper-shouted.

Emma moved down the stairs quickly, taking hold of his hook. "Coming with you."

He parted his lips to reply before he furrowed his eyebrows and closed his mouth, shrugging, clearly thinking better of it. Emma was the savior, was she not? Destined to die as it was, anyway.

A shadow perched in the middle of the couch in the living room, Emma now a couple of steps ahead of Killian. Their arms outstretched towards one another, her fingers stayed wrapped loosely around his hook.

"Oh, no." Emma groaned, slapping her forehead, as she peered around to place a face to the figure.

There was Old Hook, sitting on the couch, drinking the hot chocolate.

"Hook?" Emma spoke, letting go of Killian's hook as she stared into the face of her pirate; her much older pirate, that is.

"What?" Killian deadpanned as he watched from behind the silver-haired man, clearly confused as to why she spoke his moniker in that tone.

Hook's eyes shifted up to Emma's, a grin spreading across his face as he dramatically flipped the long silver strands out of his eyes. "Ah! Princess! It seems as though fate has brought us together again."

He took a sway of a step closer, his belly pressing into hers. "Hello, love." He flirted, moving his finger up to brush along her left cheek, trying and failing to push her hair off her shoulder.

"What are you - " Emma shook her head, closing her eyes as she took a step back and held her hands up. "How are you - "

"Bloody hell!" Killian shouted from behind her in disgust, causing her to jump as she stepped back into him. "What kind of rubbish is this? What happened to me?" He demanded, his voice weakening with devastated and dramatic agony on the last question.

Emma looked back at Killian's displeased expression, before looking back at Old Hook, baring the bottom set of her teeth, just now noticing a thick whipped cream mustache spread across his upper lip, sprinkles of cinnamon in it. A weirdly unnerving part of her wanted to kiss it off, the way Killian did to her ten minutes ago.

Killian's hand pressed into Emma's hip, nudging her to the side as the two Hook's stared each other down.

"I know what you're thinking," Old Hook started to speak. "I'm better looking," He spoke with an unfazed shrug.

Killian raised his eyebrow, “A-are you serious?" He had asked with distaste.

Killian slowly leaned to the side slightly and unsuspiciously, before he whipped Old Hook's sword from his side.

"Ahh!" Old Hook yelled from surprise, holding his hands up in dramatic defense, his eyebrows raised, eyeballs popping out. Killian pressed the sharp edge into his rum belly, almost surprised the sword didn't bend.

"Killian," Emma rested her hand on his bicep. "This is Hook - this is you - from the wish-realm,” She stuttered, not sure how she was going to go about this explanation. “Regina - the Evil Queen sent me to. He must've come through the portal after me and Regina," She shook her head, nearly forgetting about Robin. "And Robin. He's totally harmless, I promise you." Killian continued to bore at Hook in shock, not relenting. "Put the sword away, Killian. He's no threat. He's you. He tried to protect me from Pinocchio."

"Ah, the wooden-man-child was there," Killian responded as if he were correcting her on the name.

He then swallowed, glancing back at Emma, who held her arm out to grab him in what seemed to be a protective way for his less charming self. He stared at her, a look of pity for himself, similar to a three-year-olds on his face, as he gently brought the sword down, locking his jaw. Hook grinned victoriously, bowing to Emma thankfully.

"It would appear I was the one in need of a dashing rescue. My lady," He bowed once more, stumbling over trying to balance his weight on one foot.

Emma couldn't help but laugh at him in amusement. Old Hook really wasn't that bad when he wasn't interrupting something extremely vital. In fact, Emma kind of liked him.

"A word, Swan," Killian grumbled, gently taking her arm and pulling her by the door.

"Is this," Killian trailed off quietly. "Is this why you're pushing me to lay off the rum?"

Emma laughed softly, squeezing his bicep. "Not so much for me, but for you.” Killian blinked slowly at her. “I mean, you're so devastated by this. It's kind of funny."

"Looking." Killian finished.

Emma stared over at Old Hook, studying him more than she did in the wish realm. He didn't look that bad; his eyes were still beautiful and vibrant and young. All he needed was to sober up, take a shower, and catch up on the grooming and he wouldn't be that bad at all. Oddly, she kind of liked the belly. He was her pirate, after all, she loved him, and she'd take him in any shape or form.

"Well, I think he's pretty dashing. He is you, underneath it all."

"That's the disheartening thing about it, Swan. He's me." Killian all but whined, his voice full of irritation and embarrassment.

Emma almost expected him to stomp his feet in a tantrum.

"I mean, all he needs is a bit of grooming, and he's a silver fox. I dunno, what do you think, Killian? Maybe we can get him cleaned up then he can join us in the bedroom, and we'll send him back to the wish realm after. As long as you don't punch him." She teased, pulling her lips into her mouth to fight the smile, swaying her body as she looped her fingers into his front belt loops, pulling him against her.

Killian looked down at her stunned, his voice growing high as he whispered, "Have you gone mad? Bloody hell, no!"

Emma's eyes flickered over to Hook, watching him guzzle down the other cup of hot chocolate. "Oi, Princess. What kind of magical beverage contraption is this? It's quite good." He stuttered around, holding it up to her.

She smiled, patting Killian's chest before coming over to him. She really could get used to having two Captain Hook's around, maybe three or ten, a version of him from every realm. She would really enjoy that. What a lucky woman she'd be.

"It's called hot chocolate,” Emma answered. “Now hold still.” She then waved her hand, her light magic coming over Hook.

His silver hair was magically pulled back into a neat ponytail, in what reminded Killian of his Lieutenant days, his pirate uniform now clean and his salt and peppered facial hair appearing well groomed. He really did clean up as nice as she expected him to. Emma looked back at Killian, shrugging in a told you so manner, but Killian still seemed a bit unnerved by him.

Hook furrowed his eyebrows, staring at the blonde before he quirked up an eyebrow and smirked at her. "Milady," He quipped, taking her hand and bringing it up to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it.

Emma and Hook looked over at the sound of bottles clanking together, as Killian carried over a large and heavy looking box. He looked carefully at Hook, raising his eyebrows before placing it into his arms.

"What's that?" Emma furrowed her eyebrows at Killian.

"Me laying off the rum." He responded, resting his hand against her back.

Emma laughed. "Okay, just one thing."

The blonde stepped closer to Hook's side, grabbing his chin and pulling him over to her, hoping he wouldn’t drop the box of rum bottles. She placed a sweet kiss on his cheek before caressing his chin. As confident as Old Hook had seemed, he looked shocked that she actually kissed him, as she tenderly ran her hand over his scruff, smiling at him fondly. He looked as though it had been years since anyone has shown him so much kindness, let alone touched him. Killian locked his jaw as he watched in jealousy of himself before he looked down at the floor. As Emma took her hand back from his face, she flicked her wrist, and Old Hook disappeared into the air.

"There. He's back in his realm. With all of your rum." She spoke, walking towards Killian with a playful smile. “I think you’re going to regret doing that in the morning. Good thing I need to make a trip to the market, anyway.”

Killian sighed, rubbing his temples stressfully. "Every bloody time," He murmured. "If it's not that damn dwarf..." He trailed off as Emma took his hand and his hook, wrapping them around her waist, before she wrapped her arms around his neck and rocked on her heels, swaying them.

"I'm a little disappointed you didn't want him to stay. I kinda wanted to keep him." She laughed, running her thumb along the back of Killian's neck, before she rested her forehead against his, biting her bottom lip.

Killian pulled back, stared at her in a disgusted manner. “Why on bloody earth would you want to do such a thing?" He was clearly triggered enough by what he saw to rid himself of his rum.

"Because he's you, and I love you. Every part and last version of you," Emma spoke, leaning her face in closer and pulling his lower lip between hers for a soft, slow kiss.

Emma smiled at the sight of the beam upon his face, a scarlet blush forming. He looked at her as if she were the only other person in the world. “As I love you, Swan.” As his eyes scanned over her face, he shook his head in disbelief, as if to say, I don’t even deserve to love you, lass.

The blonde smiled sweetly at him, before turning the smile into a smirk. “Now, where were we? Pirate." She had teased before she flicked her wrist to travel them back to their bedroom; the two evaporating into the air as they began to kiss.

#captain swan #cs ff #captain swan fanfic #captain swan fanfiction #old!hook #my stories #my work #yall pls be kind omg #old hook takes on storybrooke #old!hook x emma

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renaroo · 8 years ago

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Wednesday Roundup

So I complained before that I had a lot of comics to go through. I stand corrected. THIS week I have a monstrous number of comics to go through. Like, you have no idea how much I am patting myself on the back right now for the simple fact that I got this out before midnight.

But was it worth the effort I put into it?

Well, hell, with the money comics cost these days let’s sure hope so!

Marvel’s All-New Wolverine, Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows, DC’s Detective Comics, DC’s Gotham Academy: Second Semester, DC’s Superwoman, DC’s Titans, IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light, DC’s Wonder Woman

Marvel’s All-New Wolverine (2015-present) #20 Tom Taylor, Leonard Kirk, Cory Hamsher, Michael Garland, Chris Sotomayor

One of the genuine missed opportunities at Marvel right now while they seem positively dedicated toward digging themselves a deeper and deeper hole, is that Laura and Gabby’s adventures are not being used in the greater X-Men books at large.

Sincerely, my interests in picking up any of the other X-books or the Avengers or anything else is at an absolute Zero because of the fact that Marvel is doing everything it can to use any machination of Wolverine other than the one that is already, inherently awesome.

I think this issue actually helped me realize what makes the relationship between Laura and Gabby work in ways that Logan and Laura’s own relationship in the comics was never allowed to. While we could have had the amazing bonding between them that we got in the recent Logan (2017) movie, comic writers agains and again chose the route of the tried and true combination of Logan with Spunky Teen Girl Sidekick rather than digging into the uncomfortable nature of Logan dealing with a daughter he never knew he had and a kid whose own outlook and demeanor was a harsher reflection of his own.

That’d require, like, actual character growth or something. That thing Marvel was afraid to do with Logan for something like 30 years.

In any case, while I maintain my critiques of that dynamic, what’s interesting to me is that it would seem like Laura and Gabby would all right into that criticism as well -- Laura taking on the more Logan-like role and Gabby being the Kitty/Rogue/Jubilee/Armor/et.all of the dynamic.

But this series, and really this issue, provided the insight for me of what made this work. Laura’s allowed to have that growth Logan never was, sure, but also the fact that Laura seems infinitely more willing to nurture Gabby’s desires to get in the thick of it while reinforcing or even celebrating her brighter demeanor shows that Laura’s learned from Logan’s mishandling of herself. She can’t stop Gabby -- her sister, her clone -- from sharing her traits or history, but she absolutely can allow for Gabby to have someone in her life who understands and comforts those parts of her while encouraging her to find her own way. The sort of personalization that would let Gabby decorate her combat armor with a pink flower, or wear a beret she’s attached to.

And in return, Laura for the first time has someone as fiercely devoted to her and protecting her as Laura has been with the people in her own life. Laura’s past among the X-Men has been dogged with a certain reluctance or plain inability to approach teamwork, but with Gabby she’s overcoming that in strides.

And that’s just part of what makes this series and especially this issue so novel and enjoyable for me. Laura is my Wolverine, in every way I have ever wanted Wolverine to be. And if Marvel used her properly and exposed her more then I might have once been willing to give a larger number of the X-books my patronage. Something I defs won’t do for Laura’s sake and defs won’t do because Secret Empire makes me feel bad enough already for what I am buying.

Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows (2016-present) #7 Gerry Conway, Ryan Stegman, Jesus Aburtov

I tell you one thing for certain, this storyline was not conceived for X-fans and we’re spiraling further and further down the Emma Frost and Magneto are the Evilest Evils Evar road that Marvel seems so intent to take us down. Which is weird and feels unnecessary, but at the very least we did not have the mutants of the world all die due to Regent like apparently 95% of the superhero population according to the original Renew Your Vows mini.

Don’t worry, Gerry Conway, I for one am entirely supportive of you retconning as much of anything Dan Slott’s touched as you personally deem necessary.

Regardless, Annie continues to be adorable, and I actually am onboard for adorkable over protective dad Logan with Kate, even if her mutant ability feels completely and utterly beyond me at the moment (she shines a bright light? Is it psychic energy? I have no idea what happened or why Annie and herself weren’t effected by it.)

It’s one of the rare times a Jean/Logan comic also didn’t become a Scott hate fest, which as a Cyclops fan genuinely shocked and impressed me because that’s apparently how low my bar for these things has fallen. And it’s honestly refreshing to see everyone back in the 90s costumes that I’m most familiar with them in.

That being said, yeah this is not a story for X-fans. Jubilee’s characterization in particular just... seems to be built around this shocking reveal from last issue more than any practical understanding of her character or desires and loyalties.

And it’s nice to see that Xavier and the others are reaching out to invite Annie to join the school as a non-mutant but still super powered kid who could benefit from their special curriculum.

And I love how awesome Mary Jane gets to be, on awesome footing with Peter and Annie herself.

So I’m still liking this book, just the X-fan in me was a little mer on this two-parter. But you know what? Credit where credit is due: it’s a two-parter. And it didn’t drag and we’re moving on to the next storyline. That’s such an astonishing thing in this age in comics, honestly. I almost did a double take.

DC’s Detective Comics (2016-present) #956 James Tynion IV, Marcio Takara, Marcelo Maiolo

We finally come to the conclusion of the League of Shadows arc and, honestly, considering the opinions I’ve very strongly held throughout this series, I am very happy with... Okay, very is overselling it. I’m content with this conclusion.

There are definite homages throughout this issue to Cass and Shiva’s ultimate battle in Batgirl (2000-2006) #25, and while there’s nothing that can really live up to that 2 year build up and steady tension between them, there’s also the matter that you feel Cassandra’s stakes in this battle are more than the validity of her own life here.

Part of that is that Cassandra’s angst in this new version of her character ultimately doesn’t have nearly the death wish that her Preboot self did, but there’s also a lot to be said for the fact that this Cassandra’s longing for relating to humanity, to live as more than just a shadow, is a unique perspective on ehr to take, and shows more insight and direction for her than she received at any point from about 2003 forward in her own series and after.

This is not a competition with the Batgirl #25 fight with Shiva, but holy shit it’s leagues better in my book than anything that went on between them in the Assassin’s Daughter arc and that final battle that got real gross real quick. Mostly because it doesn’t have Cassandra killing her mother, mutilating her corpse, and leave her to fall into a Lazarus Pit.

We just leave that for Ra’s al Ghul to tend to.

The art is beautiful and fantastic, and I loved the conclusion with Kate at least keeping her promise to Cassandra and going to the ballet, the fact that Cass and Christine are friends and meeting again, I’m so happy with all these things. Also Kate’s suit? Ballin’. But it ... looks like Bruce isn’t going to keep his promise and go to the ballet with them which like BRUCE DON’T GO DOWN THIS ROAD. IT ENDS WITH ME SMACKING YOU.

My criticisms for this arc overall still hold, with quite a bit of zeal, but like I’ve recounted before, Tynion is in top form when he has multiple characters and can focus on their relationships more than plot. And that held true here, even Jacob Kane got some relief from Tynion’s awful OOCness. but for once we have like... actual planting before payoff?

Also Bruce lol His hatred of magic continues even into this canon and ngl I love Bruce hating magic. And I look forward to having Zatanna meet up with the gang. AT THE SAME TIME AS HER SCOOBY-DOO TEAM-UP APPEARANCE, COINCIDENCE? probably.

DC’s Gotham Academy: Second Semester (2016-2017) #9 Becky Cloonan, Brenden Fletcher, Karl Kerschl, MASSYK, Adam Archer, Sandra Hope

We’re barreling toward the ending of Gotham Academy as we know it Olive seems to have lost her battle with the ghosts of her past, the Detective Club has broken into pieces, and the friendships of our favorite kids have never been more in danger.

And then Two-Face is teaming up with Calamity/Olive.

With Gotham Academy coming toward its close, I put it back on the Roundups rotation both because I hope to give the two series a reflection as a whole afterward, but also because I feel that my thoughts on the stories themselves wrapping up at last will five some fellow fans some insight as to where I think GA perhaps wandered away from the high standard it set for itself.

Issues like this, however, are reminders of everything right that Gotham Academy offered so uniquely compared to practically all other books out right now at DC. The character drama is at its finest, there’s a thin veil of mystery and intrigue hiding behind mysticism and Gotham lore, and everything feels as though it has a definitive direction.

DC’s Superwoman (2016-present) #10 K. Perkins, Stephen Segovia, Art Thibert, HI-FI

I was extremely critical of this book’s resolution of the Who Killed Superwoman? arc and was pretty loud about it. It felt like a betrayal of the premise of the book, the marketing, and of the trust I had placed in the creative team under Phil Jimenez, who remains one of my favorite writers in comics period. But there is a love I have of the Super Family and of these characters that I still feel deserve more attention, and my worry over this book being dropped without ever really finding its audience has been real in recent months.

Fortunately it seems like the solution was always as simple as it appeared: what we needed was a woman’s touch in the writing room.

K. Perkins hits a stride in this issue that was severely lacking before. There is a concentration on the relationships with this family we have come to know as the Superwoman family, and the love between them is refreshing considering that the other Superman comics are focused on a more traditional, nuclear family built up.

And while we still haven’t seen Perkins tackle Lana’s mental illness directly, and I’m worried there’s a chance that her sudden resolve to be Superwoman and a hero again will come off as a “I just needed to get over myself and stop taking medication” story, it didn’t feel that way in this issue.

There were signs of depression in Lana’s present day that I was familiar with on an uncomfortable front, and there’s a lingering self-blame to her situation that I more than know.

But she has powers still without continuing to endanger her life. And she has resolve that didn’t come from diminishing her illness in text. And that’s a leap in the right direction.

DC’s Titans (2016-present) #11 Dan Abnett, Benjamin Percy, Christopher Priest, Brett Booth, Norm Rapmund, Andrew Dalhouse

.... Okay funny story, I had actually meant to suspend my subscription to Titans this week because I’m not interested in the “Lazarus Contract” story arc and am definitely not going to force myself to pick up the other books being crossed over with for this event. But I forgot because I apparently work at 0% brain capacity on Monday nights and as soon as I remembered to do that for the Image comic Lazarus, which was going to be coming out with another ancillary issue I didn’t feel like picking up this week, I was like “yep those are the only things I didn’t want to subscribe to.” And forgot to take Titans off, even though Comixology is actually really good for constantly reminding you of your subscriptions in the days leading up to them.

So. Because I bought and read this ridiculously enough...

What do I think?

...

Well it was definitely a middle issue of a story I haven’t read and have no idea what’s going on! I’m just glad it’ll be resolved before next month’s issue and I can get back to enjoying my Titans.

Also like. Dick and Damian are... brothers. And one’s friends with Wally West on the Titans and one’s friends with Wally West on the Teen Titans. And... this hasn’t... come up yet? ummmmm kay. I’m not reading the Flash books or Teen Titans so wtf do I do I know

I dislike Slade. His motivations for hating the Titans still makes no sense, especially since every time he comes back they remind him that HIVE killed Grant not them. But whatever.

Dick’s lying to his team and keeping secrets. The other members of the team are disturbed by this. Looks like they’ll catch him in a lie and learn that things probably would’ve been better for everyone if he hadn’t lied like he did! Sure haven’t had that happen to Dick Grayson in a Teen Titans book have we.

Oh wait it happens all the time.

I’m ragging on this story big time but again, I have no idea what’s going on and haven’t read the crossover with the other books so that’s my bad. Absolutely. No doubts. I’m just grumpy bc that’s money I intended on saving. I mean. 2.99, but still money.

IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light (2016-present) #5 James Roberts, Jack Lawrence, Joana Lafuente

OH. MY. GOD.

Okay so Lost Light has had a near impossible act to follow what with More Than Meets the Eye genuinely being one of the greatest comics I had to pleasure of following the publication of, but I am genuinely shocked how well this story is tying together and how all the themes of war, of depression, of love, of ingenuity, of anti-colonization, of questioning religion, of separating church and state -- I cannot believe how everything that James Roberts’ take on Transformers has been about, is coming together in a storyline that involves an alternate timeline where our favorite characters not only lost but never had the chance to fight.

It’s more than a darkest timeline, it’s about a timeline where the accountability for everyone’s actions has been extremely lacking, and that puts right in the face of all of our favorite characters that their own sins and questions must be accounted for.

Megatron was not just speaking for himself when he declared that Minimus and Rodimus were his conscience, he was speaking for the Lost Light’s crew as a whole.

They have grown each other and made each other better versions of themselves in all their crudeness and selfishness, in all their mistakes and flaws, they have created this unity between them where their sacrifices count because they count on each other. And it’s just the epitome of what I want and love out of stories. I could not be happier right now.

And we still have places to go with this storyline. Just. This is such a celebration of how uniquely Transformers this franchise is while still reaching us how to be uniquely better at being human. I love it.

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016-present) #22 Greg Rucka, Mirka Andolfo, Romulo Fajardo Jr.

So, basically, Greg Rucka got the job he wanted of writing Wonder Woman again and he said in that moment “I am going to make it as clear as humanly possible that this queer icon is queer, everyone around her is queer, and there is nothing gained by denying as much.

And thank the gods for it.

In all seriousness, this was by no means a standout issue, it builds on the relationship of Veronica Cale and Diana which helps cement more understanding for their interactions in the last issue, but it is mostly also stuck in the middle of the big finales for both storylines so it was going to lack on that front almost without fail.

However I do want to shout out to the art team for the image I posted above in particular. Having Diana kiss Veronica in thanks while she quite literally clutches her pearls might be the single greatest “fuck you” to any people who have tried to make the argument that Wonder Woman with her lesbian themes and her feminism and her clay baby origins were somehow ruining the youth of America.

I love that Bruce and Lex both got rebuffed, how freaking amazing was that.

Anyway, there wasn’t a whole lot to this issue, but there was a fair amount to enjoy and it was nice to see these two fleshed out some more before our real finales come up.

It’s a tough call because Detective Comics had a lot more satisfying of a conclusion than I originally thought, even giving me a few more iconic Cass quotes to add to my collection, and we all know how that’s a direct line to my heart. But for my pick of the week I have to go with Transformers: Lost Light. It is genuinely one of the best comics around period. And beyond that, the way it balances its own mythos, the crushing weight of the greater Transformers lore, and the large cast of characters who all get character arcs and development even in something as simple as two panels showing our married mechs hanging off each other in a moment of weariness and peril after everything they’ve been through together? It’s just an amazing comic book. And I will always pick gay robots over just about anything else if you give me the option.

But those are just my picks and opinions for the week. What do you all think? Any comics I didn’t pick up that you enjoyed? I’d love to hear from you!

#Rena Roundups #All New Wolverine (2015 )#Amazing Spiderman: Renew Your Vows (2016 )#Detective Comics (2016 )#Gotham Academy: Second Semester #Superwoman (2016 )#Titans (2016 )#Transformers: Lost Light #Wonder Woman (2016 )

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mentacose-archive · 8 years ago

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hahaHAHAHA my next victim!! ALL THE OC QUESTIONS MWAHAHAHA and for the ones that you need individual OCs for: Aine,Basil, Fain, Lai, and Kai

who are you anon…… i’ve seen you do this to my friends….. what are your evil plans……

okay im putting this all under a cut

1. Do any of your OCs have a speech impediment?

no, not really. though cyar does shorten his speech somewhat, such as turning “you” into “ya” and excluding the ‘g’ from verbs, ie “running” becomes “runnin’”. now that i think about it, i have made a few ocs mute

2. Do any of your OCs have a physical disability?

kai has wings, but they’ve been too injured in the past for him to fly now. the best he can do is fall-glide. poor guy

3. What is your OCs favorite band if they have one?

oh boy

aine: she would be a swiftie who kept track of all of taylor swift’s albums up until red. she’d love all the old songs, wishing the old swift was back

basil: he’d really like thomas bergersen’s stuff tbh they’re so epic

fain: queue him jamming out to krewella. like aine, he’d be head over heels for her old stuff, but less impressed with her newer stuff.

lai: lindsey stirling cause she has some sick violin tracks

kai: i can see this boy rockin out to fall out boy or thousand foot krutch

4. Does your OC have anything they take pride in? (like an award or collection?)

aine: aine is super proud of her biological research notes/ journals

basil: basil would probably be proud of any family heirlooms his parents happened to pass onto him

fain: he’s pretty confident with his hunting skills, especially since many of his fellow elves don’t do it much anymore

lai: she’s proud of finally getting her job as a messenger

kai: um. good question

5. Does your OC have a favorite film?

aine: hers would be tangled

basil: he’d be head over heels over lord of the rings

fain: he’d be a huge fan of narnia

lai: i can see her liking pride and prejudice

kai: he’d love movies with violence. coughs MARVEL

6. How tall is your OC?

aine: she’s like 12 and smol so she’d be 5′ at the most

basil: he’s just a little older than aine so. maybe 5′6″???

fain: he tol i’d peg him around 5′11″

lai: 5′7″

kai: 5′10″

7. Does your OC have a celebrity crush?

laughs none of them do sorry

8. Do you ship any 2 of your OCs?

*cracks knuckles* okay here we go i ship aine x theo. im teetering on the edge of shipping lai and kai romantically, but i could also see them as just. real good friends y’know????

9. How would you describe your OCs fashion taste?

aine: she loves all the frilly dresses and bright pastel colors

basil: his fashion taste would be terrible if he didn’t have his wardrobe already picked out for him. so now he just looks princely

fain: plain, not too show-offy

lai: light and loose. she doesn’t like tight clothes

kai: edgy. kai you tore your shirt a long time ago pls replace it

10. Does your OC have any special talents?

aine: she is a whiz at biology

basil: uh idk. his special talent would be leadership i guess

fain: hunting. he’s also v intuitive

lai: flying and fighting. she’s good at both

kai: fighting

11. Is your OC really bad at something?

aine: math. math’s always been her worst subject

basil: he could do many things he sets his mind to but he lacks the confidence rip gavin save him

fain: controlling his urge to flirt with every girl he sees

lai: uh idk

kai: handling his emotions in a healthy manner rip

12. Does your OC have both of their parents?

aine: yep she does, even though she doesn’t agree with half the things they say

basil: rip he does for a time and then his dad dies sorry basil

fain: he does !!! and his mom wants him to get married already

lai: her mom’s dead but her dad’s fine

kai: nope he’s either an orphan or he was abandoned at a very young age i haven’t decided which

13. Does your OC know their parents?

aine: yes

basil: yeah

fain: mm hmm

lai: she knew her mom up until she died, but she never knew her father

kai: nah

14. Does your OC have any siblings?

aine: haha yeah she has her twin brother raiden, her older sister abigail, and her older brother terence

basil: he has one younger sis who he loves very much

fain: he has a brother who’s way younger than him who he usually has to babysit. not that he minds he’s v good with kids

lai: she’s an only child

kai: and so is he

15. Do any of your OCs have pets?

aine would totally have like a million pet butterflies and perhaps a pet cat. otherwise i can’t think of any others who have pets, but i am totally gonna change that

16. Do you have any nonhuman OCs?

hmm yes okay zykron is an alien, lai and kai are medagons, my oc aithne is a phoenix, and i have like a million dragons and mermaids

17. Do you have any OCs you haven’t posted about?

p l e n t y. you have no idea

18. How would you describe your OCs nature in one word?

aine: spirited

basil: innocent

fain: lighthearted

lai: kind

kai: angry

19. Who is your youngest OC?

good question i’d say delphine. she’s an oc i haven’t posted about but she’s canonically like 5 years old

20. Who is your oldest OC?

probably my dragon (i forgot her name i think it was ciecle or crea or something). she lives a LONG time

21. What race is your OC?

aine: she’s a human

basil: he’s also a human. but a royal human

fain: he’s an elf

lai: she’s a medagon

kai: he’s also a medagon

22. Would your OC like you?

aine: aine likes everyone

basil: i don’t think he’d mind me too much. he’s too sweet to judge others that easily

fain: fain and i would be buddies yo

lai: yeah she would

kai: nope. not at all he likes nobody

#anon #boy this was LONG

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lovelyfantasticfart · 4 years ago

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arbitrarygreay · 6 years ago

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Noir Live-ish Blog Highlights: Eps 9-13

Ep 9 I understand that their modus operandi is usually to infiltrate by separate routes, but after seeing so many episodes where Kirika took the lead in the kill, despite the explanation I rationalized last episode, but it still seems pragmatically off for Mireille to take the lead in a situation where she knew she was emtionally compromised. Was her pride that strong that she was determined to face Silvana herself, or did she decide that she needed to face this to get over such a mental obstacle? There’s also the Soldat connection, which she was very forward and had Kirika take down the grunts in Ep 5, once the deaths of her friends came into play. Hopefully such impressive character consistency isn’t my own overanalyzation extrapolating happy coincidence. Because animation cannot be like live-action, where actor and on-the-spot improvisations can often bring depth that wasn’t thought of during the writing stage, it’s much less likely that animation can afford many non-explicit/subtle imagery. Everything has to be specified by the writer/director to be put in the drawing or script, while the levels of depth in live action have often been unexpected revelations that occur much further down in the process than could be caught and included in animation, so I find it hard to believe that a writer could come up with a comparable level of detail by themself. It’s clear that despite the implicit acknowledging of Kirika being the better killer, Kirika has never used that to push a course of action. She’s taken tactical actions before in the field, but obviously she’s never been like “I can handle this kill better” or anything. She trusts the intial plans that Mireille makes. For example, not popping Silvana when they were on the balcony. Lol bloodless death by blade. Aaaaand from daylight to sunset in 2 seconds. Woooow, Silvana is disturbingly consistent. True psychopathy, in that she operates on her own system, utterly independent of any systems of morality developed by general humanity. Her 180s with regards to Mireille based on seconds of action completely make sense within her framework. Hah, Mireille is the opposite of most sentiments towards killing styles, wherein the gun is considered the crude “too easy” way and blades are the more elegant style. Her distaste for the “kill people by stabbing” method is so cute. Wow, I think they continue to spend their fluid-animation budget on the trivial frames. First it was Kiriko walking across the room, this time it was an insert of a hand picking a flower. Really? (Well, okay, they spent some time on Mireille’s aborted punch.) Ep 10 This opening scene is straight outta Leverage. Huh, not sure if I’m starting to see the glimpses of Mireille going for more “justified” jobs? Not just hits for income’s sake, but more towards the direction of the monologue at the open of every episode, wherein Noir is a guardian figure. Lol, I like how this random dude ON THE OPEN STREET has the lowdown on assassin shit. I guess France doesn’t have shooting ranges? Or are they trying to lay low by not having gun licenses in their public identities? Ooh, artsy foggy France night-lighting and shadow cinematography. Classic. I wonder how many reference movies the staff/director watched to get the right shots. OH MAN, THESE COMPUTERS. Ep 11 Man, spy thriller shows necessarily change so much generation to generation, thanks to technology. It’s impossible for things to remain so stupidly cryptic in today’s world. Rather, the criminal element would have a lot of information. For being assassins, they sure are good at firefights, which for assassins who don’t have a military background, and are supposed to be at such a high level of stealth, should not be so experienced at large group altercations. MIREILLE IS TOTALLY BEWILDERED LOLOLOLOLOLOL. She is completely out of her depth. I love how little poetry she has in her soul. She always wants to get right down to business, and doesn’t want to indulge in pointless niceties and cryptic bullshit. In that sense, her opinion on “garish” killing is one big irony joke, because when it comes down to it, she’s the less refined one at heart. And yet at the end, when she sees how the social conventions are going during the tea part, she bows to them in resignation. (Seriously, I am going to pursue this “Mireille represents the sociopath in us all” line as long as they keep giving me the material.) Chloe is SO smug about catching Mireille in just a shirt. Delicious. Ep 12 So I bet the REAL reason Chloe is being groomed as the new Noir is because she has the heart to indulge victims’ sentimentality, save the target for herself, etc., where Mireille doesn’t give a shit, and since Kirika is following Mireille’s lead, she’s no longer suitable, either. Man, these assassins don’t like using poison, huh. Huh, so if Chloe really is taking on the Noir name, and not just as jabs towards Mireille and Kirika, then what are the latter being groomed for? Is Chloe just Noir until the others are “fixed”? It’s a lost cause, of course, If Chloe’s any indication, then Mireille and Kirika are using aobut 1000% too many guns in their kills. Mireille’s “daily bread” philosophy is also probably a problem on that front. No poetry in her soul for things that are just “jobs.” She just shrugs at target backstory, and would never take the initiative for a second kill, as Chloe did here, not without it being an assignment first. This serves as the perfect contrast to Ep 6, wherein if it was Chloe, and not Kirika-following-Mireille’s-lead, she would have followed up with the other parties to end the cycle. Ep 13 Ah, the differences in budget. If it were KyoAni, he would have been doing different non-looping brush strokes. Dissonant jazz vocals!? Death by tally: Meh, waterfall subterfuge. Not so crea—DEATH BY – WHAT DO I EVEN CALL THAT. 8D 8D 8D 8D 8D 8D It’s not bungee. Tether-jumping? What? I don’t even know what to call that other than your other FLIPPING AWESOME squee. HO SHIT, SON. KIRIKA IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. BEST PARTNER EVER. See, Mireille, why didn’t you let the girl take the lead in the first place. She don’t got emotional baggage crippling her in this fight. I don’t see you shooting blades into pieces and not shattering them from far away up a hill. Tsk, tsk. DEATH BY COIN-ASSIST. Wish it had been true death by coin, but ah well. DEATH BY TREE BRANCH-ASSIST, DEATH BY OWN GUN-DRAW, DEATH BY NECK-BREAK BREAKING HER UPSIDE DOWN FALL FROM SAID TREE BRANCH. And Mireille thinks it’s garish. Silly girl.

#reblog2014 #noir #noir (anime)#category: anime

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homedevises · 6 years ago

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What’s So Trendy About Garden Eden Creation Story That Everyone Went Crazy Over It? | garden eden creation story

This is aback the symbols and metaphors alpha to acknowledge themselves.

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God (nature) ancient a perfect, beatific Garden of accord (mind of man). Again created Adam (consciousness) to tend and watch over it. In it aggregate was perfect. In the average of the Garden were two angelic trees — the timberline of activity and the timberline of the ability of acceptable and angry (symbols of moral alertness and ethical philosophy).

“You are chargeless to eat from any timberline in the Garden; but you charge not eat from the timberline of the ability of acceptable and evil, for aback you eat from it you will absolutely die,” God told Adam.

(“The one banned thing” is an old ballad burden that predates Genesis. Aback you acquaint a adolescent that they can accept any allotment of amber they appetite except THAT ONE with the red bow, which one are they activity to army to? Exactly.)

God ample Adam would get a little apathetic and abandoned in this absolute Garden, so he created animals and livestock for Adam to name. That wasn’t enough. So he assuredly affected up a woman for Adam to accumulate him company.

God put Adam (our acquainted mind) into a abysmal beddy-bye and pulled out of him a rib (sides/halves) that would become Eve (subconscious, or soul).

The beastly anatomy was birthed out of the benumbed mind. The abominable Fall symbolizes the alliance amid alertness and the concrete body.

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(There’s two conception belief in Genesis: flesh is created afterwards the animals and plants in affiliate 1, but afore the animals in affiliate 2)

Of course, we forgot to acknowledgment that God acceptable the apotheosis of evil — the serpent (ego) — to clamber about the Garden. The ablaze mythologist and teacher, Joseph Campbell, explains the allegory up to this point like this…

So, as we all know, Paradise didn’t aftermost too long.

God’s absolute utopia was destroyed by his own absolute creations. The serpent (ego), with his aperitive wit, assertive Eve to seek a little wisdom, to deathwatch up from this beatific coma she begin herself in. “Just booty a chaw babyish babe and you can be like God,” he said to her.

So Eve (subconsciousness) took the chaw out of that banned bake-apple and gave a little to Adam (self-consciousness). This is aback absoluteness was destroyed and the pairs of adverse (duality) were discovered — light/dark, man/woman, right/wrong.

What does that mean?

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To be accomplished as a beastly being, to ability a college accompaniment of alertness you charge accord with your subconscious, or your aphotic ancillary (shadow) and apprentice to accommodate it with who you are.

If you abolish the adumbration you accident walking about as a shallow, affronted being who lives alone for the purpose of aggravating to affect others. You’d aloof be a walking persona, a pushover, with no depth. Again bottomward the road, that adumbration you’ve been suppressing, usually comes aback to abode you.

As Joseph Campbell understood, gods suppressed become devils.

After Eve took the belled bite, history was born — pain, love, hate, bliss, misery, beauty, and suffering…all of it.

Humanity rose from the ashes of The Fall.

Adam and Eve with eyes advanced accessible (consciousness & self-awareness) now begin themselves naked (vulnerable) and abashed in a cold, cold, apple with no hope.

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They’ve awoken to the absoluteness of their littleness in a all-inclusive cruel world, divided, deserted, separated, and atrociously acquainted of their own mortality.

Adam and Eve covered their anatomy genitalia and approved to adumbrate from God. The all-knowing God, as he strolled in the Garden in the air-conditioned of the day, couldn’t acquisition them at aboriginal and asked “where are you, why are you accoutrement yourselves, how do you apperceive you’re naked?”

This is aback chastity was developed — a faculty of acceptable and angry and shame.

They were again tossed from the Garden (order) and befuddled into Activity (chaos).

The apple was now an amphitheatre of adversity area activity survived alone off life, creatures devoured anniversary added to break alive, and accouchement was absolute affliction while men stood casualty to the all-inclusive appetites of God’s arduous creatures.

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learningtruthovercomingsin · 6 years ago

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Wisdom of Solomon

Chapter 05

Then shall the righteous man stand in great boldness before the face of such as have afflicted him, and made no account of his labours.

When they see it, they shall be troubled with terrible fear, and shall be amazed at the strangeness of his salvation, so far beyond all that they looked for.

And they repenting and groaning for anguish of spirit shall say within themselves, This was he, whom we had sometimes in derision, and a proverb of reproach:

We fools accounted his life madness, and his end to be without honour:

How is he numbered among the children of God, and his lot is among the saints!

Therefore have we erred from the way of truth, and the light of righteousness hath not shined unto us, and the sun of righteousness rose not upon us.

We wearied ourselves in the way of wickedness and destruction: yea, we have gone through deserts, where there lay no way: but as for the way of the Lord, we have not known it.

What hath pride profited us? or what good hath riches with our vaunting brought us?

All those things are passed away like a shadow, and as a post that hasted by;

And as a ship that passeth over the waves of the water, which when it is gone by, the trace thereof cannot be found, neither the pathway of the keel in the waves;

Or as when a bird hath flown through the air, there is no token of her way to be found, but the light air being beaten with the stroke of her wings and parted with the violent noise and motion of them, is passed through, and therein afterwards no sign where she went is to be found;

Or like as when an arrow is shot at a mark, it parteth the air, which immediately cometh together again, so that a man cannot know where it went through:

Even so we in like manner, as soon as we were born, began to draw to our end, and had no sign of virtue to shew; but were consumed in our own wickedness.

For the hope of the Godly is like dust that is blown away with the wind; like a thin froth that is driven away with the storm; like as the smoke which is dispersed here and there with a tempest, and passeth away as the remembrance of a guest that tarrieth but a day.

But the righteous live for evermore; their reward also is with the Lord, and the care of them is with the most High.

Therefore shall they receive a glorious kingdom, and a beautiful crown from the Lord's hand: for with his right hand shall he cover them, and with his arm shall he protect them.

He shall take to him his jealousy for complete armour, and make the creature his weapon for the revenge of his enemies.

He shall put on righteousness as a breastplate, and true judgment instead of an helmet.

He shall take holiness for an invincible shield.

His severe wrath shall he sharpen for a sword, and the world shall fight with him against the unwise.

Then shall the right aiming thunderbolts go abroad; and from the clouds, as from a well drawn bow, shall they fly to the mark.

And hailstones full of wrath shall be cast as out of a stone bow, and the water of the sea shall rage against them, and the floods shall cruelly drown them.

Yea, a mighty wind shall stand up against them, and like a storm shall blow them away: thus iniquity shall lay waste the whole earth, and ill dealing shall overthrow the thrones of the mighty.

Wisdom of Solomon

Chapter 06

Hear therefore, O ye kings, and understand; learn, ye that be judges of the ends of the earth.

Give ear, ye that rule the people, and glory in the multitude of nations.

For power is given you of the Lord, and sovereignty from the Highest, who shall try your works, and search out your counsels.

Because, being ministers of his kingdom, ye have not judged aright, nor kept the law, nor walked after the counsel of God;

Horribly and speedily shall he come upon you: for a sharp judgment shall be to them that be in high places.

For mercy will soon pardon the meanest: but mighty men shall be mightily tormented.

For he which is Lord over all shall fear no man's person, neither shall he stand in awe of any man's greatness: for he hath made the small and great, and careth for all alike.

But a sore trial shall come upon the mighty.

Unto you therefore, O kings, do I speak, that ye may learn wisdom, and not fall away.

For they that keep holiness holily shall be judged holy: and they that have learned such things shall find what to answer.

Wherefore set your affection upon my words; desire them, and ye shall be instructed.

Wisdom is glorious, and never fadeth away: yea, she is easily seen of them that love her, and found of such as seek her.

Again, one preparing himself to sail, and about to pass through the raging waves, calleth upon a piece of wood more rotten than the vessel that carrieth him.

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rebeccahpedersen · 6 years ago

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Will The 2019 Federal Election Be All About Housing?

TorontoRealtyBlog

Remember that infamous list of the three things you don’t talk about at a proverbial dinner party?

Politics, religion, and money.

Wow, that’s, like, soooooo 1988.

If we had more time, maybe we could add to the list, or at the very least update it for 2018. Mind you, that list could be depressing, as I really, truly think it would comprise every single topic on the planet, one of which is sure to offend somebody.

So long as we’re banning clapping in university, to avoid causing students anxiety, I think we’re going the way of bubble-wrapping ourselves, and plugging our ears every morning.

But your average TRB reader doesn’t offend so easily, right?

So we can still talk politics on this forum?

As you all know, I’m a die-hard NDP supporter.

Wait, sorry, that was incorrect.

I’m a supporter of Die Hard.

But only Part 1 and Part 2. I give Die Hard With A Vengeance a pass, but the ones thereafter were just awful.

I’m also a die-hard breaker of the rules when it comes to talking politics, and since your average TRB reader is equally likely to support Liberal, Conservative, or NDP, I’m always bound to have a few detractors.

I have mentioned on multiple occasions that I thought the 2018 Ontario Provincial election was simply a contest to see who could promise to give away the most stuff, for free, between the Liberals and the NDP. The NDP used to be the “leftist” party, but when the Liberals began to give away free stuff like they didn’t have a $15 Billion deficit hidden by creative accounting practices, the NDP said, “Oh you think that is how you give stuff away? Just watch…”

A few readers politely pointed out that the Conservatives made many promises of their own, and whether you’re spending, or making cuts, it’s going to cost the taxpayer in one way or another. Totally fair, and totally true. All three parties focused more on giving people stuff and things, rather than explaining how they would lead the population forward.

Oh, voting! What’s the point? It’s only one vote. Show me a single election that’s ever been decided by one vote. And don’t mention the movie, “Election” where Tracey Flick beats Paul Metzler by one vote, because that’s a movie. And because the guy who played Ferris Bueller rigged the election so Reese Witherspoon would lose, but we can discuss this later…

The 2019 Federal election is bound to be one for the ages, and there are reasons a plenty for this.

For starters, Justin Trudeau has had his ups and downs over the last three years, and has been, at times, the most popular Prime Minister in decades, but also the most laughed-at. He could win in a landslide, or fall on his face as his opponents look to exploit his gaffes during his tenure.

Maxime Bernier killed all the momentum that Conservatives had built up, when he decided to start his own, and soon to fail party, which will take precious votes away from the Conservatives, and simply dump them in the Ottawa River.

And oh yeah – for the first time EVER, millennials will represent the highest proportion of voters.

All of a sudden, the first two reasons don’t even seem to matter.

Millennials will decide this election, isn’t that something?

You senior citizens must be shaking your canes in an angry fashion right now, ready to throw your VHS collections of M*A*S*H through the pigeon-proofing on the window, and out into your extremely well-manicured lawns.

The thought of millennials riding their Segways into voting booths while live-streaming their “pick” on InstaFaceChat, stopping periodically to look at photos of their friends’ lunches on social media, is hard to stomach for many of us, whose stomachs aren’t filled with Avacado Toast.

But like it or not, millennials will decide the next election, statistically-speaking.

And what, aside from donating money to Kylie Jenner to ensure she can join the billionaire club, are millennials primarily concerned with in 2018?

Housing.

Housing, Housing, Housing. I really do expect this to be a major theme in the upcoming election, and if it’s not one that voters want to raise, I still see politicians using it as a springboard.

Crime is a boring story, and even those who read about it, don’t feel “affected” by it.

The economy sounds interesting in theory, but again, you have to give a you-know-what to really dig deep enough to see how it matters to you.

Jobs? Meh. Let’s just typecast and say that those people who don’t have one, don’t vote.

Climate change? Let’s get real. Canada is responsible for, what, like 2% of world greenhouse emissions? Psssh!

Electoral reform? What is that, anyways?

I could go on, and on, and be equally as sarcastic.

But on a truly serious note, I believe, with all my heart, that the election issues that voters really take seriously are the ones that affect them the most. Election promises that voters will benefit from, legislation that will help them, and any and all words coming out of a politician’s mouth that will have a tangible affect on one’s livelihood, will win votes in 2019.

During the early-going in this year’s Provincial election, I saw a comment on Facebook that said something to the extent of: “Free daycare? OMG! I mean, I don’t like the Liberals, hate them, in fact, but if this is really true, they’ve got my vote! ‘You do you,’ ya know?”

That was the moment, folks. One stupid comment on Facebook, from a person I don’t even know, brought me to a realization that I should have already come to sooner: people will always do what’s best for them.

As much as we should care about electoral reform, as concerned and involved as we should be regarding climate change, as passionate as we should be with immigration, or violent crime in poor neighbourhoods, we’re still going to look long and hard at election platforms that directly affect and benefit us.

The Canadian Real Estate Association recently hired Abacus Data to conduct a nation-wide survey of 2,500 people, all millennials, with respect to their feelings on all things related to housing.

The results were published on Monday, and you can read the whole article HERE.

The study is eye-opening, and I say that both as a voter, and as a real estate agent.

Take a look if you have time. It’s a fast read, and you’ll thank me.

But if I could borrow a couple of their graphics (and I’m letting myself do so because of all the money I pay to CREA which goes to waste…), I think the points really drive themselves home.

First, consider what I said above – that the millennials will be the largest set of voters in the 2019 election:

Take that, Boomers!

God. My poor mother, what must she be thinking?

The study goes on to look at just how much housing is an issue for millennials:

Now if I could be humble for a moment, let me be honest: there are several things on that list that I can’t imagine millennials calling a “top or very high priority.” And not just millennials, to be fair, because this list is about millennials, but do 37% of people really care about trade relations? Or are they just trying to sound smart?

But if 64% of millennials believe the federal government should prioritize housing affordability, as the top, or very high priority, what does that say about our three major political parties’ focus in the coming election?

Amazingly, affordable housing was the top result in all nine provinces that were part of the survey:

Just look at B.C. wow!

A whopping 80% of millennials would put housing at the top of the list? I’d have suggested that the 67% in Ontario was a big number, but it’s absolutely dwarfed by B.C.

There are a slew of other graphics in the article, but the only other one worth exploring is this:

Note the fine print at the bottom – respondents were given options as to whether the factor was big, moderate, minor, or had no impact on affordability.

Interesting that downpayment was at the top of the list, since there’s a prevailing sentiment among the public that millennials are all rich kids getting money from their Baby Boomer parents to buy their first home.

Also interesting that 41% of Vancouver millennials still think “foreign buyers” are a very big factor. I’d love to see what that percentage was in Toronto.

The idea that 33% of millennials believe “loan approval” is a very big factor shows me that a third of all millennials haven’t done their homework! Pre-approvals are the easiest part of the home-buying process, and I rarely, if ever, come across a potential buyer that can’t get a mortgage.

I’m also not sure I understand “taxes/fees.” Yes, the $4,000 in property taxes you pay per year sucks, but it’s not really a factor on its own, especially if “afford monthly payments” is another factor.

I could blame Abacus Data for these silly options, or blame the respondents for not really knowing what’s what. Either way, I think the fact that “downpayments” and “affordable monthly payments” are at the top of the list are the major take-aways here.

Now as luck would have it, after I started writing this blog, yet another article with the same major theme hit the newswire:

“Poll: 94% of GTA Millennials Concerned They Won’t Be Able To Buy A Home”

This poll was conducted by Ipsos Reid, and commissioned by the Building Industry & Land Development Association, and the good ‘ole Toronto Real Estate Board.

Geez, what’s with organized real estate and polling millennials, eh?

Further 86% agreed with the statement that “it is important that young families can afford to live and work in the GTA without having to commute for more than an hour to get to their place of employment.”

And how about this great quote from the President of TREB, Garry Bhaura:

“The best public policy is proactive, not reactive. We hope these poll results demonstrate that the time for municipal decision-makers to start thinking about housing choice and supply for all GTA residents who want to own a home is now,”

Conspiracy theorists, put on your tinfoil hats! CREA and TREB are lobbying government!

As for the millennials, relax, you got this.

Or should I say we got this?

I was born in 1980, after all…

The post Will The 2019 Federal Election Be All About Housing? appeared first on Toronto Realty Blog.

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myinfinitebeginnings-blog · 7 years ago

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Nostalgic for who I once was

Do you ever look back on who you used to be or what you used to look like and wish you could be that person again? When you were that person, you felt flawed at the time, but time and experience hardened you or changed your appearance and you look back and realize how wonderful you were then compared to who you are now. I used to think I was inexperienced and boring compared to everyone else in high school, but I also had an air of fearlessness. I knew my worth and nobody could make me question it, not even in my weakest moments. For instance, I had my doubts about my weight, but if anyone called me fat, I would try to fight them, because they were wrong. I was never afraid of walking away from a guy because I knew that I was an amazing woman to be with and that if some guy couldn’t see that, it was his loss. It was so easy for me to move on. I didn’t feel true heartbreak. I would get sad for a minute and then be over it, and moved on to the next big thing in no time at all. I miss that strength that I used to have. Maybe I hadn’t felt real love yet and that’s why it was so easy, but I’d like to think it was because I loved myself, even when I didn’t see it.

I always thought I would never get married growing up, because I never felt like I needed anyone but me. Deep down I think I was just afraid to get too attached and get hurt, but who knows. I had finally found someone that I felt I truly could not live without. The thought of never seeing him again killed me from the inside out and made me physically ill. I still clung to my attitude of “I don’t need a man”, but deep down I knew I was going to marry him. He made me laugh when I felt like crying. He held me and calmed me as I lost children, the pain of which I had never known could be so excruciating. He promised me he would never leave me, and I didn’t know it at the time, but that was what I needed all along. I needed someone to stay. I needed someone to see me for the irreplaceable woman I had always told myself I was but could never prove it. I needed to lose myself in someone else. Slowly, that’s where our relationship went. We had amazing times that were unforgettable. We also had tragic times that were life-altering. Gradually, I became more and more comfortable with myself while I was with him. I let him see pieces of me that nobody else had ever seen. I had shown him the truest form of myself. I married him, thinking that this was it. We were going to be together forever and nothing could stop us. We were meant to be together.

After we were married, things slowly started to change. People had always told me that marriage was hard and I didn’t really understand that because it felt so easy to be with him. Marriage was a giddy never-ending sleepover for a time. We had fun and we enjoyed each other’s company. We tried like hell to build a family. We made plans for how our life would be and we told each other everything. When I got pregnant for the fourth time, we were hesitant to be excited after losing three babies already but we couldn’t really help it. A baby was a plan that we just couldn’t give up on. I had gotten to the point where I wanted to give up after the third miscarriage. I felt like I just couldn’t take anymore loss and he told me everything would be okay. He told me that I was meant to be a mom and he couldn’t imagine ever trying to have a baby or a family with anyone else. He promised me everything would work out that he would never give up, so neither did I. We tried again and finally this little miracle baby made it past the first trimester and we were safe.

At this point, I finally felt like life was coming together in the best way possible. I was married to this amazing man that loved me more than anyone ever had, and I was bringing this wonderful little baby into the world. Nothing could have made it better. And it all went downhill from there.

I don’t know what happened, even to this day. It was like a switch flipped in him and he suddenly didn’t care about me anymore. He wouldn’t come near me. Most of the time, he was ignoring me on his phone or just not present at all. He started to say horrible things to me. When I tried to talk to him about feeling like he was distant, he would snap at me. He had become alarming close to a girl from work and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t understand why he was turning to this woman. I was finally giving him a baby and he was turning his back on me, acting like I didn’t exist. This was all we talked about and tried for years to achieve. This should have been wonderful. We should have been closer than ever, not falling apart. I begged him to stop talking to her, but he would just yell at me and tell me that I didn’t get to decide who his friends were. He even brought his mother into it for backup. He said if he let me keep from being friends with someone now, who was to say I wouldn’t keep doing it. He made me out to be a crazy person. The more he distanced himself from me, the crazier I became. He would disappear for hours at night to his “friend’s” house to play video games. I tried so hard to get his attention again and he just looked right through me. I was a ghost, a nobody. I was just a walking incubator for his child and he could care less if I fell off the face of the planet. Anytime I tried to talk to him about anything anymore he would snap. One night he put his fist through my folding table because he got so angry at me.

After I had my son, he told me he would be there for us and that he would stop disappearing to his friend’s house to play video games and he would be a dad to our son. That didn’t happen. Even though I knew he was overly close with this woman from work and it made me uncomfortable, he brought her to visit my son in the hospital when he was born. He wasn’t even a full day old and she was there holding my precious child in front of me, while she sat beside my husband on the hospital room couch. I will never forget the way they looked, sitting there like a little family while I was in the hospital bed. I should have known and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. They both had already made plans to take my baby and move on as though I never existed and I just was too stupid and scared to admit it. That day was a defining day in my life, and sadly it is not because it was the day my son was born. It is because it is the day that will always be fried in my brain as the day I brought my son into another family. It was the day I was robbed of myself, my son, my husband and ultimately, my family.

I finally found proof of his cheating on me with that woman from work five months later. All the while, I lost more and more of myself while he did what he wanted behind my back. My son is going to be two years old next week and his father is still with that woman from work. They both have spent the last couple years conspiring to hurt me in whatever ways they can, whenever they get the chance. We obviously divorced after I found out for certain that he was cheating. I didn’t handle any of it very well. I still have a hard time to this day. Although I have moved on from loving him, because I had to finally open my eyes and see that he was never going to be the man that I fell in love with ever again. The hard part now isn’t being separated from him. I’m not in love with him, regardless of what people assume. The problem is that I was so easily tossed aside and replaced, not Justas a wife, but as a mother in what was supposed to be my family. Aside from the many issues I have with myself now, I can’t get over the fact that despite the horrible things they did to me, they still get to raise my son. There were no consequences for their actions. They felt no remorse for destroying a family and breaking me down.

I’m pregnant with another man’s child and I love him as much as is possible, but I have so many issues with myself that I don’t get to be that woman I once was. I doubt my worth regularly. I keep waiting for him to leave me, like my ex-husband did. I keep waiting for him to find someone else. I have a hard time talking to him when I’m upset, because I don’t want him to leave me. I have become so afraid of being heartbroken again that I can’t let myself be comfortable. I want to feel the way I was once did so badly, but I can’t. If I do, I could get hurt again, and I just wouldn’t survive that. I look back on how I felt then and it hurts me all over again, as though it just happened yesterday. It has crippled me emotionally. I carry the weight of that pain with me everywhere I go. I wonder if I’ll ever be whole again. It’s been almost 2 years and I have been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and I still can’t stop hurting. I have tried hard to work through it in counseling and have talked about it every which way I can. I thought getting it all off my chest would give me a chance to let go, but when they are constantly forcing their relationship down my throat, I can’t breathe let alone let go. I keep having recurring nightmares that they are going to show up to the hospital when my daughter is born and take her from me too. Every day I ask myself what I did to deserve everything they did and I have no answer. How am I supposed to fix whatever went wrong or keep it from happening again if I still don’t know what happened? For all I know, I’m going to ruin what I have now with a man who finally loves me back for the same reason I ruined my marriage.

Sometimes, things will happen and I will panic because it feels like it’s happening again. Maybe being pregnant is what makes guys run from me. I don’t know if it’s in my head or if it’s real but I feel like since I have been pregnant again, my boyfriend is becoming distant with me. He would rather play games on his phone than talk to me. He doesn’t look at me the way he did before. Before, I felt like he couldn’t stop looking at me or touching me, like I was this beautiful creature. He would smile at me and his whole face would light up. We couldn’t even get through a whole tv show or movie without having sex. Now, he barely touches me. I know that’s partly my fault because I haven’t had the time or energy to dress up or put makeup on. Hell, I barely leave my apartment. I wouldn’t find me attractive either. I don’t really know how to fix it. I thought maybe it was because he has a busy work and school schedule and he is just tired, but I don’t know. Maybe he just has a girlfriend that isn’t worth looking at anymore because she is getting fat and doesn’t shave her legs as often as she should. Maybe I don’t deserve him looking at me like I’m something special because I’m not special at all. I guess it’s better than having him lie to me and tell me I’m beautiful when I’m not.

I wish I could be that fearless, confident woman I was before my heart was broken in the worst way. I wish I could just pretend I don’t care that he doesn’t want me the way he used to. I wish I could let go of all the hurt and not worry about what horrible thing comes next. I wish more than anything I could feel good about myself again. I wish that someone would love me the way I love them and never stop, but I’m not worth it and I don’t believe in miracles anymore.

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