#and have been lethargic since then with low appetite

[dittolicous]

so cool how i clearly am some form of sick and have been for a couole days but have no choice but to keep going to work because sick pay isnt a fucking thing, thus elongating my sickness and likely passing along to others

but capitalism toooootally works yall

[samble-moved]

Hi. I saw ur post about ur kitty and i thought i could try to help u find out the problem. Im not a cat expert or anything, but google says that cat depression can looks like "Loss of appetite or changes in feeding habits. Changes in body language, including ears held back, tucked tail, and hairs standing on end. Meowing more or less than usual or making low-pitched, mournful meows. Lack of energy or a decrease in activity level"

If the description fits, u have to bring Tinny to the vet cause depression will kill them if u dont know what to do. But if it dosent fits they probably are sick, since animals cant tell u they are sick so they try to handle it in their own. Google says cat sickness can look like: "Constricted or dilated pupils. Vomiting or diarrhea. Sudden mood change. No inclination to play or appearing lethargic. Much less or much more vocal than usual. Sudden changes in appetite, drinking, or eating habits. Noticeable weight loss or gain. Rapid breathing or shortness of breath"

Im both situations, the presence of ur cat in the vet is needed. Idk if they where a stray but they apparently had contact to one, so they probably got a disease of the streets OR they got internal hurt. If u cant bring them to a vet, that will be a HUGE problem because i dont think u will have acess to the things that can help them..... anyway, i hope the best for yall! I hope i was useful of some form :)

i think you misunderstood. he is eating, he isn't expressing signs of illness, and just went to the vet a couple days ago (the 15th) for a neuter and basic checkup. he isn't ill, he ran outside because he was a stray. he had contact with strays because he is/was a stray, but the only one he hung around was friend, who's fiv+, but tiny was tested for fiv/felv/heartworm and is negative.

he is eating, using the litter box, and drinking water. the most he does is occasionally meow, seemingly when he wants attention or (in the case of the door) out, which he's only done today in the latter case. by "acting sad" i meant after i brought him back in, he sat by the door for a few minutes. he isn't showing symptoms of illnesses or internal wounds, besides where he was neutered, which hasn't opened or shown infection signs.

ive had/been around cats for two plus decades, including one who had cancer. if he wasn't eating or showing concerning medical symptoms i would notice. he's not. he's just acting like he wants out.

image for reassurance:

tl;dr: there's a misunderstanding here. he isn't sick or hurt, he was a stray who just today (after days of not caring) acted like he wanted back outside. so i was asking for things i can do to help him adjust besides "give him stimulation" (toys, cat towers, playing w him, etc).

[tittyinfinity]

It's starting to look like the mold in this house might not be the issue (it's mostly in both bathrooms and under the sinks, took care of most of it in the bathrooms but idk bout what to do with the sinks).

After listening to some other people's experiences, I think I have long covid.

I got really sick 2 months ago. No positive tests, but the at home tests were old, and I couldn't make it to the doctor. I couldn't see straight for days. I had a seizure a couple of weeks later, and the blurry vision returned for 2 more days.

I thought that my issues were worsening due to being at my mom's since it started happening just a couple of weeks after moving back in. Granted, yes there are things here that are worsening it.

I only recently found out that I have fibromayalgia. I've had this all over body pain for a couple of years, but the pain has worsened so much that pain medication isn't helping and I'm stuck in bed way more than I used to be. The pain wasn't this bad a few months ago.

Food is extremely hard to eat now. I have to starve myself to the point of desperation to be able to eat without it coming back up. Everything aounds disgusting to me, despite the fact that most things don't really taste different. Weed used to help me eat since I have a low appetite in general, but even that isn't working now. The most noticeable taste difference is that things are spicier. I first noticed it with pepperoni pizza. The sauce and the pepperoni were spicy. I suspected that maybe I had developed a tomato allergy, so I tested it out on other foods. Basically all spices burn more, even shit like oregano. My favorite hot sauce is nearly unbearable now. It's devastating.

I get short of breath much more often. My doctor says it's from me smoking and vaping, and sure, it could have something to do with it. But I didn't have lung issues until after I got sick. I've been smoking 7 years. My mom is a pack a day smoker and started at 11 years old and she's not having this issue.

My eyes are always itchy now. I'm having cold sweats all the time. I'm showering less often. I'm lethargic or fatigued most of the time. I have constant headaches. My vision is worse now in general. The words I'm typing here used to look sharp to me, but now I see a blurring glow around the text. More visual snow, too. Tinnitus got worse. Everything is worse.

I blame it on the fact that I hadn't had another booster shot for about a year or so. Plus our at home tests were from 2021. I managed to go 3 years without covid despite everyone around me getting it. Now I got sick for a few days a couple of months ago, and everything is worse.

Sigh.

[vtforpedro]

medical/life update, long post

hope everyone is well. I know this season can be awful, but I hope things are going okay in your lives! I feel like so much has happened in the last three or four weeks since I wrote an update? but then it feels like not much at all. but I am stressed to my breaking point at every second so anything happening seems like A Lot lol my cat isis is struggling. I feel like I'm watching her waste away and there's no reason for it. she just turned 10 last month, her blood work, urine, x-rays, mri + spinal fluid, etc have all been normal since may when her seizure issues started. cannot believe my cat has an idiopathic neuro condition and is now getting weird/rare side effects from meds like??? it stresses me tf out being this way, I can't imagine what it's like for her. it's not fair. seizures in cats are rare, let alone lasting effects. she's got another syndrome that's also rare that makes her attack her tail to the point of mauling it. it also causes bursts of zoomies and then stops to aggressively groom/attack the tail. lol back in fuckin may I asked if she had this syndrome and the vet was like 'meh' but yeah. she does I'm sure it's because of the seizures but w/e. she's gained 2lbs since may and we have no idea how. she's on a diet and the vet I spoke with two days ago said that it's already quite low on the amount of food so he doesn't want to go lower. I know my other cat eats more than isis so she's not getting the majority. they still have scheduled times and only so much in the day but it's a mix of free-feeding because they were absolute M O N S T E R S when we picked up the bowls. they still are and it stresses me out because they go where they shouldn't, knock things off tables, isis destroyed a limited edition sauron collectible 🥺 made me cry. so for everyone's sake they are half free feeders still lmao so the weight gain issue is??? one med she's on stops the obsessive behavior with her tail but caused incontinence. which is also rare in cats. the vet kept saying she was a 'unique kitty' and I swear I wanted to cry lol AT LEAST VETS BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING THEM EVEN IF IT'S WEIRD waiting on labs and a full urinalysis w/culture to see if there's anything going on, but we went back to a lower dose on the one med causing it and her obsessive behavior is coming back. I'm so stressssseddddd she goes between having a good amount of energy and being super lethargic. she can't groom herself anymore down there because of the weight gain. she kind of wheezes and snorts/snuffles if she tries and also if she's just in a position that puts pressure on her lungs and guys it breaks my heart. she's been a steady weight for probably 8yrs? with none of these problems and listening to her have trouble is hurting me. she only gained weight when she got on gabapentin (hey I'm on that too!) and then when we switched to pregabalin but her neuro is like 'nahhhh' about it causing weight gain???? her main vet was like uhh we rarely see cats on anti-convulsants, let alone two, and they have increased appetite/weight gain as a side effect lordt. neuro prescribes these all the fucking time. looking it up online and so many people talk about their cats gaining weight on them but NAAAHHHHHH. fuckin hate doctors all around I swear wow that was a lot about isis, but she is my priority right now. love her with all my heart. she's been with me through the worst of it all and I just want her to be healthy and thriving again :c anyway. my head got bad enough that I called my neuro and he spoke with me for 22min on the phone and wasn't pushy or rushed and expressed sympathy it was so bad. told me to call him the next week to let him know how I was doing. I think it's real lol but yeah got the full diagnosis of IIH with secondary migraines. which pretty much everyone with IIH has secondary migraines started the brain juice reducing med. scares me A LOT. today I started my second week which means I'm taking it twice a day now hnnn. he said to give it a while so we can see how it really works for decreasing pressure inside of my skull,

especially when I get up to the desired dose. I'm getting some side effects already, they started on the third day. but they're pretty mild. still, he said if they become bothersome to stop taking it and it's like the only medicine that could potentially stop my suffering so I don't really. want to. I read a ton of reviews of the med and people said that they'd rather live with the side effects even if they suck because IIH is a million times worse and unbearable to live with. they also said for the people who stopped the med, their doctors said people stop it thinking the side effects are harmful when they're not at all it's basically pins and needles/numbness/tingling. if I get it just because of the way I'm sitting it'll last about 3x as long as normal and be much worse. I've had it in my lips and around my mouth, which is super weird lol but again, that's mild. it's mostly affected by cold temps, which I've noticed from like washing my hands or eating cereal. I can live with this, I just hope it doesn't go from mild to severe when I'm up to the right dose even tho my neuro is nice and supportive (for now) he is like any other doctor and keeps fucking shit up lmao I was supposed to get an mri this month but yeah that ain't happening. hopefully in the first week of january to make sure nothing has worsened got a referral to go see an IIH/migraine specialist tho FINALLY so I'm excited about that yay!!! obgyn stuff is all good! my lady parts are normal!!! yay! GI doctor has gotten to the point of shrugging helplessly and said if it gets any worse to let him know but otherwise abdominal stuff is a mystery!!! yay! got a new therapist specializing in trauma!!! I have my second appt with her today and she seems pretty good so far. hopefully it'll continue to be that way. yay! I do really like my rainbow pill case. as @angelsallfire said, it's a tackle box tho (pls this made me laugh so hard). this thing is massive lmao. it has four slots for each day and it makes me sad to see I'm swallowing like 18 or 19 pills a day but w/e that's the chronic pain/mystery illnesses life I guess I got it because I can't remember shit anymore and I had a day of absolute terror thinking isis might have eaten one b/c it was gone from the case but the one I take with it was still here and I could not remember if I took it or not. tried my ring camera to see but it didn't catch it. the whole panicking and shaking out blankets/cushions/calling mom who is rushing over, trying to keep an eye on isis, called the emergency vet who told me to call the ASPCA?? like the prevention of animal cruelty people? you're an emergency vet, surely you must know? did they think I poisoned my cat on purpose? anyway. my mom fills my pill case cause my sensory issues can't take the noise and iih can't take the movement. she glanced at it and realized she forgot that pill for the entire week in the morning so it was never in there my heart is gonna give out soon I swear like two days before my GI shrugged helplessly, I decided fuck it, life is short, I'm making a cajun roast chicken for Christmas because I WANT TO and my mom is all for it so I'm really excited for that at least, even if it might kill me LOL. but yeah two days later my GI was like 'no more spicy food' *sighs in arizona* my diet is like 80% southwestern food spice is my life. still gonna make my cajun roast chicken and try to have an okay Christmas. I haven't seen my family cats in a year and that was only for a few hours. I've missed two years of their lives and it hurts a lot, so even if I have to take an extra Brain, Pls Calm Down pill I'm gonna do it man hope y'all have a happy holiday season or at the very least a good December sorry for ranting and being all over the place I am severely fatigued. but I love you all very much, you're amazing, you're a bright spot in my life, and I am sending my love to you because you deserve it a million times over. please be safe and well

[followthebluebell]

FIP: Feline Infectious Peritonitis

Sprinkles contemplates some birds.  We’re re-doing the catios right now, so they’re all closed off.  I think she’s looking forward to being outdoors again.

I’m putting a cut here because this is a LENGTHY READ and, in case of further developments, I’d like to be able to easily update this article. 

In October 2019, she was diagnosed with ocular FIP (Feline infectious peritonitis), which is a mutation of feline coronavirus (FCoV, which is very distinct from SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19).   FCoV is ubiquitous in the cat population: almost every cat has it or is exposed to various strains of it.  Most cats get over it just fine with only mild diarrhea.  In a small percentage of cats (we’re uncertain on the percentage, which I’ll get into later, but it’s theoretically somewhere between 5-10%), it goes fuckwhack apeshit and mutates into FIP.

We don’t know why it spontaneously mutates.  There seems to be a genetic component to it.  It’s believed to be more common in purebred cats, but we’re really not sure--- since FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, there often is a hefty vet bill attached to the diagnosis and a person who can afford to buy a purebred cat from a cattery is more likely to be able to afford that bill.  It MAY be triggered by stress.  It’s much more common in younger cats, often appearing in kittens ranging from 4 months to 4 years.  This doesn’t mean older cats are safe; I know of at least one case in a 12 year old cat.

Sprinkles was diagnosed at 3 and a half months.  She didn’t have a particularly stressful event before developing symptoms.  She’s not a purebred.  I don’t know anything about her genetic history, so I can’t cross that off the list.

Mickey, my second FIP kitten, was diagnosed at 4 months.  I know slightly more about his health records but it’s still scant.  He arrived with an unusual skin ailment: sarcoptic mange.  Hypothetically, this could indicate an already delicate immune system that left him vulnerable to this sort of FCoV mutation.

FIP is deadly and remains, to this day, the most horrifying disease I’ve ever personally encountered.  Thankfully, FIP itself is NOT contagious.  FCoV is highly contagious but, as previously mentioned, it’s fairly common in the cat population.  There was a study done to see if separating kittens from their mother at 7 weeks (approximately the period when a mother’s antibodies begin to wear off and the kittens have to begin producing their own) would prevent cats from catching FCoV from her.  This was effective but the social drawbacks are too heavy a cost for it to be considered regularly.

There is a vaccine for FCoV but it’s largely ineffective and most vets don’t recommend it.

FIP comes in two primary forms: wet (effusive) and dry (non-effusive).  Usually, FCoV exists only in the gastrointestinal system.  It’s really the only place it can replicate itself with ease.  Once the virus mutates, it can’t replicate itself as well, but it CAN infect macrophages.  Macrophages are highly mobile white blood cells.  They go pretty much everywhere, and ones infected with FIPV (Feline Infectious Peritonitis Virus) will carry the virus along for the ride. 

The early symptoms are vague.  These cats are lethargic, listless, have low or no appetite, weight loss, and a fluctuating fever.  The first symptom I caught in Sprinkles was complete avoidance: she was actively avoiding other kittens and other kittens were avoiding her.   Mickey’s only symptoms were lethargy and diarrhea.  I only got suspicious about possible FIP because the other kittens in his playgroup didn’t have any diarrhea at all. 

And this is where we see a split in the forms of FIP.

Effusive FIP is characterized by the accumulation of fluid within the abdomen and is more common.  It happens very quickly.  Cats with effusive FIP develop breathing problems rapidly.  The fluid drawn from the abdomen is usually straw-yellow.  Effusive FIP is said to be more common, although only one of the 5 cases I’ve seen in the last few years was wet FIP. 

Thankfully, effusive FIP has a few distinct traits that makes it easier to diagnose.  It’s important to remember that FIP itself is generally a diagnosis by exclusion. 

Measuring the protein in the effusion is a good first step.  If it’s less than 35g/l, FIP is generally ruled out.

The albumin to globulin ratio is considered next, via a blood test. If it’s less than 0.4, FIP should be considered.

Finally, examining the cells in the effusion is valuable.  If they’re primarily lymphocytes, FIP is excluded.

Non-effusive FIP is more difficult to spot, because the symptoms are so varied.  Granulomas (inflammatory cells) form in various organs, which produces an extreme variety of symptoms.  The most commonly affected symptoms are the ocular and neurological symptoms.

Ocular FIP happens when the virus crosses the blood-ocular barrier and is characterized by slightly opaque white films on one or both eyes; these don’t cover the entire eye.  They’re often just a small section.  This was the first distinct symptom I saw in Sprinkles. It’s considered a distinct enough sign that her ophthalmologist was able to tell me that she was 99% certain it was FIP.

Neurological FIP is my own personal hell.  The virus crossed the blood-brain barrier and infects the brain.  The first symptom is usually a limp or a slight tremble in the head.  The paralysis often begins in the hind limbs and it travels upwards.  The cat eventually loses all mobility.  If the cat is lucky, they’ll begin to have seizures instead and die soon afterwards.  Like I said, it remains the single-most awful thing I’ve ever seen. 

Non-effusive FIP is harder to diagnose than effusive FIP, especially if the cat fails to develop ocular or neurological symptoms.  In these cases, the only symptoms the cat has are fevers, diarrhea, and other non-specific issues.

Once again, the best bet is to consider the albumin to globulin ratio.  The same rule of ‘if it’s under 0.4, FIP should be considered’ holds true.

Unfortunately, checking for antibodies is fairly useless.  A positive FCoV test just means the cat has been exposed to FCoV.

FIP is deadly.  While there are some isolated cases of cats seemingly recovering from it, I think it’s more likely that those were simply misdiagnosed cases.  As I’ve said before, FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, so a misdiagnosis can happen fairly easily.  A cat with wet FIP is gone in days.  A cat who’s unlucky enough to develop neurological FIP may linger for weeks until they die of starvation, oxygen deprivation as the lungs themselves are paralyzed, or dehydration.  Ocular FIP generally spreads into the brain, causing seizures. 

Sprinkles is very, VERY lucky.  I had been following the study very closely and I had an acquaintance who recently started treating her foster cat for FIP.  I was able to get into contact with some folks and obtain experimental treatment for my kittens.

GS-441525

In February 2019, there was a very promising study on a specific drug called GS-441524.  Most of the cats involved with the study made a full recovery.  The company (Gilead-Sciences) behind the drug wasn’t interested in getting it FDA approved for cats out of concern that it would affect its approval for human use.  See, if it’s used officially for cats, Gilead-Sciences would be obligated to report any negative side-effects and that could impact getting it approved for human use down the line.  “One of the rules in drug development is ‘never perform a test you don’t have to, if the results could be problematic,” isn’t an uncommon saying.  It’s one of the reasons why I fell out of research and development myself.

I had some pull and was able to get experimental access to this drug for Sprinkles and, later, Mickey. 

Both kittens went through three months of daily injections and a further 3 months of observations before they were deemed FIP-free.  After seeing 3 other cats die from it, it’s been a blessing to see them recover.  They’re both especially lucky that they finished their treatment cycle JUST before COVID-19 hit American shores since I couldn’t, in good conscience, continue using a very promising antiviral in cats when it would likely be needed by humans.

It’s definitely not a perfect system.  Three months of daily injections (or pills) is not ideal for the average owner for several reasons.  In addition to the difficulty of injecting a cat with an EXTREMELY painful drug daily, it also requires a lot of math; the dosage has to be adjusted daily to take weight gain into consideration.  Even the concentration has to be adjusted at times.   I haven’t used the pills at all, but I know a lot of people have had problems with cats biting through the pills.  In addition, the pills seem less effective against neurological or ocular FIP.

Gilead-Sciences has refined GS-441524 into GS-5734 (named Remdesivir), which is supposed to be more efficient.  Hypothetically, the addition of the phosphate groups should make it easier for it to get across barriers and be absorbed more easily.  Hopefully this will result in a shorter treatment time, although I suspect it will be more expensive than GS-441524.  This is already a substantial cost attached to GS-441524, with the treatment of a single cat or kitten over 1,000 USD.

As of writing (April 20, 2020), neither Remdesivir nor GS-441524 are available to the average public legally.  Remdesivir has been approved for use in humans with COVID-19 in emergency cases.  

[vulnera-sanentura]

Cats, Chronic Kidney Disease, and More Food Controversy

Let’s start from the beginning: what is chronic kidney disease?

Chronic kidney disease (CKD) is a progressive disease of lost renal function. It’s a very common cause of death in cat’s over 14 years old. Kittens are born with 100% function of their kidneys, but as they age, function slowly decreases leading to clinical signs. This can be distinguished from acute kidney injury (AKI) by multiple factors, but the main difference is that CKD is an almost inevitable consequence of age, while AKI can happen at any age, and usually has an inciting factor like trauma or a bad infection.

Renal disease is classified into 4 stages, IRIS stages, based on bloodwork levels of 3 waste products: SDMA, BUN, and creatinine.

Stage 1 & 2: often no clinical signs, very early to early renal disease

Stage 3: can see polyuria and polydipsia (increased thirst and urination), decreased appetite, weight loss, and lethargy as creatinine rises in the blood

Stage 4: usually very sick! Poor to absent appetite, rapid weight loss, very lethargic and anti-social, and often extremely dehydrated

Protein requirements of cats

Cats are obligate carnivores, unlike dogs which are facultative carnivores, and this is reflected in their protein requirements! Cats generally require approximately 34% protein or more on a dry matter basis (I’ll touch on dry matter vs crude protein that at the end) to maintain lean muscle mass, or they begin to metabolize it for energy (LaFlamme & Hannah, 2013; Salauq, 2016).

As cats age, they need more protein in their diet! As cats age (greater than 12 years old), the absorptive abilities of their digestive system wane so they need an almost overload of protein to help their gut absorb enough: at lowest 40% protein and up to 50% protein. Due to the decreased absorption they also have an increased fat requirement (>20%), especially omega fatty acids, and supplemental B vitamins, especially B12 are recommended (Sparkes, 2011; LaFlamme & Gunn-Moore, 2014).

So what’s the controversy?

In renal disease, the kidneys are less able to filter out waste products the body makes, leading them to overload the body and make the animal sick. Many of these waste products, including BUN and creatinine, are created from the breakdown of proteins: either in muscle or in food. (Fun fact: intensely muscled horses may have high creatinine just due to the immense amount of muscle they have, while conversely very skinny, atrophied animals will have lower). Protein also contains high levels of phosphorus, which can be detrimental to cats with kidney disease.

The main thought behind the low-protein renal diets is to not overload the animal’s kidneys with excess protein and make them sicker.

However, Dr Gary Norsworthy, one of the leading feline specialists, recommends a high protein diet to all cats but those in the latest stages of CKD. Why?

Hyperthyroidism, diabetes, and GI disease, 3 of the most common diseases in senior cats, can all lead to muscle wasting

Starting cats out with a restricted protein diet that may have these diseases in hopes of preventing/stalling CKD would likely only cause even further atrophy, especially since senior cats already have decreased protein absorption.

The important clinical goals of managing early (IRIS 1 & 2) CKD are:

Maintain hydration! Kidneys love water, and keeping kitties hydrated can prevent or slow degradation of the kidneys. - water fountains, wet food, Purina Hydracare, IV/sub-Q fluids 

Maintain normal phosphorus levels. Hyperphosphatemia directly correlates to an increased mortality in both human and feline patients with CKD - low phosphate diets, phosphate binders

Control other risk factors, like hypertension and hypokalemia

Very high blood pressures can further damage the kidneys (like “spraying a fire hose on a delicate filter”)

If you control these factors, high protein should not be an issue for cats with early CKD

Norsworthy is generally against traditional renal diets in cats, which often have 23-27% protein, below the threshold of muscle wasting in cats! (As a note: Hill’s K/D has only slightly lower protein in it than their standard adult food: 30% in K/D, 34% in K/D early care, and 36% in adult. Purina NF is still following a more restricted protein diet at 26%, but their NF early care is 34%)

Restricted protein will lower BUN and creatinine, which may be giving clinicians a false sense of security that the renal disease has been controlled (also lowers phosphorus, but that can usually be controlled without lowering protein)

Another fun fact: cats on high protein diets (Like Dr Elsey’s which has 59% protein) will often have an above-threshold BUN, but is not an indicator of renal function! Just their diet.

There’s also little evidence to support protein restriction in cats! Many studies on low protein are extrapolated out of other species, and cats aren’t small dogs, or small humans. They need their own studies!

In advanced kidney disease (IRIS 3 & 4), the greatest challenge to maintaining quality of life in these cats is food intake. Remember, the increased severity of kidney disease often leads to loss of appetite and subsequent weight loss, and these poor cats end up wasting away to skin and bones. Increased weight loss and muscle atrophy correlates to a shorter lifespan in senior cats (Sherk, “Skinny Old Cats”). However, cats prefer eating high protein diets over low protein! So to keep their weight and muscle from decreasing, a higher protein, increased palatability diet is recommended.

What about in severe renal disease cases?

Norsworthy recommends in IRIS 4 cats with uremia (high BUN) and hyperphosphatemia that cannot be controlled by other means, only then should protein be restricted, and only to 30-38% protein, and only if the cat will eat enough to meet caloric needs. 

**Dry matter vs crude protein: Important when feeding wet food, as crude protein is in relation to everything in the food including the water, so wet foods may look insanely low in protein when in fact they’re just high in water! There’s math to figure it out, but I think this is long enough as is

[bibhab92]

Tender Loving Care

I was on my 5th day of my 5 days long, 10 hours shift in the emergency department. I was already tired at the beginning of my shift. It was 2330 hours. Just 30 minutes before my shift’s over. I was waiting for a CT abdomen pelvis scan result on one of my patient. I clicked on the investigation tab to see if the reports were back. Yes! there it was. I clicked on it. I read the result and I bleeped the Medicine duty on call doctor. I read the result to him and I said that my patient will likely need to come for her further management. He agreed. Just before we hung up, he said, “Does the patient know about the scan results?”. I said, “No, not yet, I will let her know”. He said, “thanks”. We both hung up. I took a deep sigh. 

Out of all the task I do as a doctor, one of the most difficult task is to “break bad news” to patients, which I was about to do in a while. I was about to see her for the first time as I was handed over her care to me by one of the doctor who finished at 2200 hours. She was in cubicle 6. As I approached to the cubicle, I saw her. She was laying on her right side, wearing a lovely pink night gown. She was small in built and a bit thin as well. She was 75. I went close to her, I called her name. She was probably taking a nap, she opened her eyes. She looked at me. I smiled at her and I introduced myself. I began to ask if she knew what was happening with her? She said, “well I had a scan of my tummy and I am waiting for the results”. I said, “that’s true, but do you know why are you here today? In the A/E department?” She paused a bit, felt a bit confused. I came to her rescue and said the reason why she was there. She remembered. She was diagnosed with lung cancer recently. She was under treatment for it but she had some side effects to the treatment and had to stop the treatment since past few weeks. Since then she has been feeling unwell. Her appetite has been decreasing, she is not eating and drinking well, been feeling lethargic, has been vomiting and unable to cope at home. She lived alone and had her daughter come in to her home to help her with groceries and other bits and bobs. Her daughter called the ambulance today as she thought her mum was not coping well at home. She was hypotensive with the ambulance crew and a bit tachycardic as well. She was mildly dehydrated. It was evident that she had something going on, something both medical and/or a surgical problem. Thus, we decided to do bloods and scan her abdomen and pelvis as she had a huge ascites (abnormal fluid accumulation in the abdomen). 

Her scan results showed that her lung cancer had spread to the abdomen, to her liver, to her adrenal gland on right side and also to her bones. I was about to shock her and probably rip her off any hopes she might have been cherishing to survive out of this cancer. I pulled the curtains around the cubicle. I lowered my self to her face. My voice slowly turning low. I grabbed her right hand. I began to utter slowly, “I am here to discuss about your scan result. If it is all right with you?” And at that point she must have realized that something is bad. I could see it in her eyes. Her pupils dilated, she tried to make herself comfortable in the bed and she faced straight at my face. She said, “yes”. I began to tell her the horrible news, that her cancer has now spread to multiple sites. I took as much pause as possible and I tried to be as clear as possible. It is one of the hardest  task, where I need to step in my patient’s shoe and try to make them feel comfortable and cared and supported while I bombard them with the worst possible news in the most polite and graceful way as possible. As I said to her, “unfortunately, it seems that the cancer in your lung has spread to your abdomen”, she stopped me and said, “so is there no hope then?” This was the tough part, where as a doctor you want to show hope to your patient and at the same time show the realities of the bitter world. To tell them that they got cheated by life. I said, “as with any cancer, Love, once it spreads to other part of the body, it is very hard to contain it and to eradicate it. Unfortunately, it will spread and progress with time”. She blinked slowly and looked away from me. I was still holding her hand and gently stroking it. I can now see tears in her eyes as if I am able to see my own reflection on her eyes filled with tear. I placed my hand over her forehead and I said, “I am sorry, I had to tell you this terrible news”. I further added, “I know it is hard, but you will not be alone, we will help you and support you in all and every possible way we can”. She blinked again. Blinked again as if she did not want the tears to roll down over her face. There was a brief moment of pause. I asked if there is anything she wants. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly and said, “do not worry about me doctor, I lived a happy life. But I do not like pain, can you make me comfortable, with no pain?” I said, “absolutely, we will support you in every way possible, you do not need to worry about it. We will involve all your doctors and we will come up with a plan. You are not alone, we are here for you”. It nearly broke me in tears when she said to not to worry about her because I was genuinely worrying about her. I saw her and I saw my grandmother, my mother. I have no words to describe the sadness I was going through. I nearly had a 10-15 min conversation with her. Just before I left her, she grabbed my face and gently caressed me like my mother and my grandmother. She said, “thank you doctor, you have been so kind, thank you for all the things you have done, thank you”.  It is like this events that you realize that you are so privileged to be a doctor, to come close to someone’s heart and emotion that you forget and later realize that you overstayed your duty hours, just to be with the patient you love and care so much. Just to provide them the tender loving care you would to your loved ones. 

I will never forget her and I pray for her. 

[markswoman]

sunset | ldh

loath as he was to rouse you from your slumber, it was something that had to be done if he wanted to watch the sunrise with you. sometimes, he gave in to your sleeping face and didn’t wake you in time for the sunrise, which you always half-heartedly complained about.

pairing | faerie!donghyuck x faerie!reader | hints of fluff + angst | 15k |

warnings: kidnapping, violence, poisoning(?), death

There was something enthralling about the world moments before the sunrise. It was in the way the wind would settle, as though awaiting dawn with bated breath, and the peaceful quiet that would have suddenly befallen the forest, the rosy hues hanging around the horizon. Even the waterfall seemed to allow a moment of silence for the rising sun, though that may only be Donghyuck’s imagination. It wouldn’t be long now, Donghyuck mused. Soon, the sunrise would be upon them. He glanced down at the weight on his chest, careful to not jostle you. With a smile, he reached out to brush his fingers over the wings that were splayed across your back. The caress drew a soft sigh from you, a puff of breath that tickled Donghyuck’s neck. Your eyelashes fluttered against Donghyuck’s skin, but the caress wasn’t quite enough to coax you out of your nap. A fond look crossed Donghyuck’s features as he cupped the back of your head with his hand. You were bright in appearance, with a glow that rivalled the brightest star in the night sky and windswept hair that shone brightly with the glow of the sun, albeit, Donghyuck mused with an amused tilt to his lips, your personality sometimes seemed better fit for a winter faerie than one of spring. Years of knowing you, however, had changed Donghyuck’s initial impression of you. He had seen you practically melt at the sight of animals, had seen your  lips widen in smile after smile, had heard your laughter, soft like the elusive wind sprites. He had seen you lose your temper, had been there when you needed someone to lean on, had seen you in your most vulnerable moments, when your tears would fall like gentle drops of rain before Donghyuck drew you into his arms, pressing gentle reassurances and words of comfort into your skin. Carding his fingers through your hair, he thought about how you were the one faerie he had come to cherish the most. The one faerie he loved more than anyone and anything. You both had left the realm almost two hours ago, relishing the flight and the serenity that came with getting to the waterfall early. It was tradition, something that had started years ago when Donghyuck had first encountered you at the waterfall. Watching the sun rise and later retire at the waterfall had turned into a tradition over time, one you both thoroughly enjoyed and hated to miss. Loath as he was to rouse you from your slumber, it was something that had to be done if he wanted to watch the sunrise with you. Sometimes, he gave in to your sleeping face and didn’t wake you in time for the sunrise, which you always half-heartedly complained about. “Hey,” he called gently, stroking your wings and nuzzling his nose against your cheek. “Love, the sun is rising soon. Wake up, or you’ll miss it.” You shifted, eyes blinking open to gaze sleepily up at Donghyuck, clearly dismayed at the disruption. Donghyuck chuckled and slid his arms under your armpits to pull you up, ignoring the noise of discontent from you. Your wings fluttered briefly against your back and then settled back down again, appearing as lethargic as yourself. Your hands loosened their hold in Donghyuck’s shirt, only for your arms to snake around Donghyuck’s neck, and you hummed as your forehead slumped against Donghyuck’s shoulder. Donghyuck whined. “You’re being difficult! I can already see the golden hues!” You grumbled something under your breath, but then you finally lifted your head and glared at Donghyuck; however, your puffy eyes did nothing but make Donghyuck smile fondly. “There we go,” he cooed, reaching up to ruffle your hair. You huffed, but seemed still too drowsy to object to Donghyuck’s treatment of you; Donghyuck loved sleepy, cuddly you, and never failed to take advantage of it. You shifted in Donghyuck’s lap, mindful of your wings as you settled against Donghyuck’s chest, and Donghyuck tucked his chin over your shoulder. You allowed the silence to settle between yourselves as you both watched the sun lazily rise, its bright rays banishing the shadows of night. Nimble fingers tugged at Donghyuck’s hand, finding their place between the empty spaces. “Good morning,” you hummed, and Donghyuck squeezed your hand gently. “Good morning.” You sat for a while, basking in the sun’s rays and the warmth of each other, until the sun was hanging low in the sky. Then Donghyuck patted your cheek, pushing you off his lap so that he could get up and stretch his legs. They had started to numb, along with his wings. You followed suit, stretching your arms and torso while yawning. “We should head back,” Donghyuck murmured with a yawn of his own; he shot you a mock glare, as it could only be your fault. You didn’t even try to hide your smile, though you nodded your assent. Neither noticed the keen, dark eyes following them from the shadows behind the trees as you both unfolded your wings and took to the air. – The realm was abuzz with life when Donghyuck and you returned, tiny faeries weaving mischievously in between the human-sized ones on the ground, their laughter carrying over by the gentle morning breeze. Mild mornings always seemed to bring out that playful side in faeries. One such faerie made an excited spin at the sight of you two before rushing forward. You groaned by Donghyuck’s side as the faerie proceeded to cheerfully circle around them a couple of times before slowing down, shifting, and landing on the ground. The smile he aimed at you was almost as bright as the shine in his eyes. “Chenle,” Donghyuck greeted, amused. Chenle beamed at him. For an autumn born, Chenle was remarkably lively, even on a normal day. It had been ages, certainly, since the fae had come to acknowledge that each seasonal faerie was different, as opposed to the initial shunning of the winter faeries in the belief that they were as cold and unfriendly as their element suggested, or that summer faeries were always as warm and kind as their season. Yet traditional views of each element still remained somewhat in their society, and as a result, Donghyuck sometimes found himself entertained at the behaviour of faeries he’d thought to be a certain way due to their season, or even cautious. Summer faeries and autumn faeries were considered the most temperamental, and Donghyuck knew it held no sway any longer, just like how winter faeries, usually thought to be calm and with an imposing repertoire of icy words ready to be spewed at others, sometimes had the kindest, warmest words to be said. Chenle and Donghyuck were both feisty faeries, emotional and temperamental, but Donghyuck was just as different from a traditional summer born as Chenle was from an autumn faerie. When Chenle tilted his head, the brown hair twinkled with red hues in the light, and his smile had softened. He watched them fondly. “You went to watch the sunrise at the waterfall?” “We did,” Donghyuck hummed and glanced at you, who was looking at something off to the side. When he turned to see what had caught your attention, he saw Jisung floating towards you and lifted a hand in greeting. Chenle tittered in delight, and then he was shifting and back in the air, off to circle around Jisung, the winter born shaking his head in wry amusement at Chenle’s behaviour. His white hair gleamed with the motion. “I see the morning has gotten to his head,” Jisung said lightly as soon as he was within hearing range, evoking a laugh from Donghyuck and a smile from you. “He’s easily affected,” Donghyuck mused, eyes trailing Chenle as he idly flitted around their heads and hummed cheerfully. You cleared your throat. “Can we go get breakfast?” Donghyuck cooed, reaching out to gently wrap his arms around you. “You’re so precious.” Jisung arched a brow and snorted, a slight tug at the edge of his mouth indicating a smile. “You’re both repulsive to behold. Let’s go before I lose my appetite.” To avoid being smothering by Donghyuck’s display of affection, you shifted and left Donghyuck to stare disgruntled at the now-empty space between his arms. Jisung cackled and went to follow you, Donghyuck trailing behind with a world-weary sigh and Chenle patting his back cheerfully as they left the home you and Donghyuck shared to get breakfast. Breakfast was a loud affair, as it tended to be whenever Chenle and Jisung were around. The two stole each other’s food like children and taunted one another with it, which often resulted in Donghyuck shooing them outside to chase each other for a bit until they tired of that and came back inside. This morning was no different, with Chenle affected and Jisung his usual devious self. After their play chase – Chenle had won, it seemed – the two settled down around the table to enjoy their meals in a temporary truce and blessed silence. Or, at the very least, an endurable volume compared to the raucous shrieks and cackles from earlier. Donghyuck didn’t mind much, to be honest. And you, well, you may frown and glare at the general noise, but you would almost always observe the duo with a fond smile whenever they broke out into their banter. You had bad days, but so had Donghyuck – so had everyone. There was no shame in that, and Chenle and Jisung knew when to keep the mischief at a minimum. “Chenle and I are going to gather berries and nuts for the autumn fest afterwards,” said Jisung, watching you steal food from Donghyuck’s plate – for you weren’t above such antics, though neither of you made a big deal out of it like Chenle and Jisung. “Would you like to come with us?” “Sure,” Donghyuck said. “We have no plans for the day anyway. What do you think?” He cast you an amused glance when you emitted a small, pleased sound after stealing Donghyuck’s last tomato. “I wouldn’t mind,” you said, and Chenle clasped his hands and grinned. “Then it’s settled.” The forest was stunning with its hues of reds, oranges and browns, autumn settling over their lands and painting everything in bright colours. It was starting to affect the weather, the days growing shorter and colder, but it made nature no less striking. Suffice to say, Chenle, as an autumn born, would be more susceptible to certain mornings, now that his season was upon everyone in the land. Whilst you and Donghyuck stuck to the ground, Chenle and Jisung shifted and took to the air, whizzing past trees above your heads in a game of catch. Jisung was young still, Donghyuck mused. Even if he liked to act older than his years, Chenle was fond of indulging him whenever his actual age shined through, at least when it came to playing around. Donghyuck entertained the thought of joining in on their fun, perhaps even persuading you to play with them. You sometimes did, and Jisung would be especially thrilled at the prospects of racing with his elders and ganging up on you both with Chenle. However, it seemed you were ahead of him. “Should we mess with them?” You asked, your tone carefully neutral. Donghyuck couldn’t honestly say he was surprised; you were competitive and fairly mischievous, when the mood struck. Perhaps the morning had gotten to you, as well. Donghyuck grinned, side eyeing you. “Any bright ideas?” You tilted your head, wings fluttering behind you. “Let’s shift and wait for them to take notice.” Donghyuck hummed, shifting and following you behind a couple of bright red leaves to hide from the duo. “I’ll go for Chenle, you’ll go for Jisung?” A sly smile lit up your face. “Deal.” You didn’t have to wait for long before Chenle noticed your disappearance. Donghyuck saw the flash of realisation strike Jisung, and then he was yelling for Chenle to watch his back. But he was too late, for Donghyuck had already snuck up on the other faerie and collided with him, laughing with glee when Chenle dramatically shouted at Jisung to get away before he was caught, as well. Donghyuck didn’t see you attack, but he heard Jisung’s shriek of surprise, followed by boisterous laughter, and first then did he look up from Chenle’s wiggling form to see what was going on. Jisung had managed to escape your surprise attack, it seemed, two small figures diving through the air in a chase. Jisung cackled each time you narrowly avoided the leaves and branches Jisung skillfully navigated through. And then, suddenly, Jisung disappeared into some thick foliage on the ground, and you followed, but on the other side emerged only you, who confusedly looked around for the disappeared faerie. “Aha!” The triumphant shout came from Donghyuck’s left, his only warning before something collided with him. Chenle cheered when he was freed from Donghyuck’s hold, and Donghyuck quickly darted off before the tables turned on them and he was the one being held captive by the duo. “Get him!” Jisung cried, and Donghyuck chanced a look over his shoulder to see Chenle already closing in on him, arms out and ready to snatch him. He yelped, trying to move faster, but then he felt something graze his ankle – You appeared, forcing Chenle out of course and saving Donghyuck, who laughed and allowed himself to slow down until he was hovering in the air. He looked back, watching Jisung and Chenle, who, after his attempt to catch Donghyuck had been thwarted by you, had flown back to Jisung’s side. The two were whispering together, eyeing Donghyuck and you. You and Donghyuck shared a look, and then you darted off to each side. Donghyuck heard the two excited “whoops”, and knew they had set off for him and you. A glance back confirmed this. Chenle was hot on his tail, but Donghyuck wouldn’t let himself be caught that easily. In-between branches and leaves, soaring high before diving low – Donghyuck made Chenle fight for it. Chenle called forth tiny winds to try and knock Donghyuck out of course, blowing leaves into Donghyuck’s face, but Donghyuck persisted, and when he saw his chance, he hid between some tall grass and plants. A well-deserved break, Donghyuck thought. To make his cover even more inconspicuous, he grew additional shrubs, eagerly sprouting from the earth with a touch of his magic. “Donghyuck!” Jisung. He narrowed his eyes, looking past a petal to scour the sky for the youngest. He found him easily, hovering lazily in the air with you sulking in his arms. Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile at the sight. “Donghyuck,” Chenle crooned, floating on his back a little ways from Jisung, “if you wish to save your beloved, you’ll have to show yourself.” “And if I refuse?” Donghyuck teased back, rejoicing in your squawk of protest. “They rejected my love this morning, so why should I save them now?” “Oooooh, a lovers’ quarrel,” Jisung snickered. “How unfortunate for you.” Donghyuck went back to hide behind the plants, smiling to himself. “I wonder,” he called, “what you would do to win back my favour.” “Who knows,” Jisung mused, “but now they won’t have anyone to save them. Nor will you.” Donghyuck startled, about to set off the ground, but then there were arms around him and Chenle’s joyous laughter ringing pleasantly in his ears. “Got him!” “We win!” Jisung declared, smiling disarmingly at Donghyuck and Chenle as they approached. “You’re getting sloppier.” “Oh, hush, you,” Donghyuck scolded mildly, hitting Jisung over the head. Jisung’s hands went to his head and he whined, complaining loudly about Donghyuck’s abuse when Donghyuck had hardly even touched him. Now free from your confinement, you floated to Donghyuck’s side, a wry smile adorning your  face as you circled Donghyuck’s waist with your arms and pulled him against you. “Apology accepted,” Donghyuck hummed, and you snorted, but held him just a little tighter. “Ah, love,” Chenle sighed, patting Jisung’s head fondly. Jisung cocked a brow at him, unimpressed, however, when Chenle’s lips tugged downwards in a pout, Jisung rolled his eyes and leaned in to embrace the smaller. “Consider it a reward for winning,” he said, seriously, and Chenle lit up like a firefly and threw his arms around Jisung, smiling adoringly. Jisung was visibly struggling to keep up his act, and eventually resigned to a happy smile. “What an adorable duo,” Donghyuck mused, laying his hands on yours. “So young.” “Spare me,” Jisung huffed, though he leaned sideways into Chenle’s chest, toying with the bracelet on Chenle’s wrist. “We aren’t babies.” “Ah, no, I don’t want to hear it!” Donghyuck cried, lifting his arms to cover his ears, even if Chenle were grinning impishly at him. “Spoilsport,” Chenle sniffed, laying his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. “You could learn a thing or two.” You cleared your throat pointedly, sharing a look with Donghyuck. “Let’s actually get started with what we set out for, shall we?” – Dusk was nearly upon the realm when you and Donghyuck took off to watch the sunset at the waterfall. You had good time, the sun hanging low in the sky, so the flight there was peaceful. You followed the stream, making faces – Donghyuck, mostly – at your reflections in the surface and dipping your hands and feet into the water. Donghyuck loved indulging in this, when the time allowed it. Donghyuck and you had spent the day with Chenle and Jisung, fooling around in the forest and gathering nuts and berries before taking a break so that you could pet bunnies, and even a deer. Jisung and Chenle had been excited to join in on the petting, and with you there – whilst all animals tended to be friendly with faeries, they flocked around you for some reason – they got to pet the bunnies, as well. Donghyuck had been content just watching those he held dear, but then a hare had approached him, and he had invited her into his lap and stroked her fur, cooing gently at her. You had come to sit with him after the hare had dozed off, and you shared a smile at each other and watched Jisung and Chenle play with the bunnies. The water was cool under his hands, but not uncomfortably so, and he laughed when he managed to land a splash in your face. You sputtered, pushing wet hair away from your face to stare at Donghyuck in disbelief – and then you were chasing him, calling after him teasingly. Donghyuck and you were near the waterfall when Donghyuck slowed down. You came to hover by his side, a frown replacing your easy smile as you took a closer look at your surroundings. “It got darker, all of a sudden,” Donghyuck observed quietly. You nodded, pursing your lips. “I noticed,” you murmured. You grabbed Donghyuck’s hand and gently pulled him to the ground so you could shift. If they were about to fight shadows, it would be to both of your advantages to be the size of humans. Shadows were curious creatures. Children of the night; they rarely showed in the middle of the day when the sun was at its highest, when its glare caused them most harm. They lurked in the darkness where the sun couldn’t reach, and as such were at their most powerful once night had fallen, their only purpose in life that of extinguishing the light in their smothering darkness. Usually, it was a question of so-called lesser shadows, those that weren’t strong enough to evoke terror in the souls of every breathing being. Lesser shadows couldn’t plunge areas into darkness, and at sunset, as now, they were a simple matter, with the setting sun serving to weaken them. Something indicated that these shadows were just a tad more powerful than the norm, but still, it wasn’t anything particularly taxing. A burst of magic, and they’d writhe and die, fading into nothing. The main concern here was the sheer number of them. “There are many of them,” Donghyuck pointed out, eyes trailing the black tendrils slinking over the ground around them. In too little time, the shadows had surrounded you both. “Let’s split up,” you said after a moment’s contemplation. “It’ll be quicker. They may be large in number, but they are essentially harmless. We should still have time to see the sunset.” “All right,” agreed Donghyuck, and no sooner had he spoken the words than a shadow sprang at him. He killed it with a blast of light, its shrill shriek cutting off abruptly, and turned to share a look with you. “I deal with these, you go on ahead?” With a nod, you were off, and Donghyuck turned his attention to the shadows. A brisk observation estimated at least ten of them, and whilst they were small, their numbers were still something to factor in when fighting them. These appeared smart enough – though shadows weren’t exactly sentient – knowing they stood no chance unless teaming up. Not all shadows did that, and one lesser shadow was pathetic. Donghyuck aimed a couple of light bolts at a group of shadows, and they hissed and dispersed as one bolt hit right in the middle, killing a few of them and wounding the rest. More seemed to have appeared; however, Donghyuck noticed, squinting at the wispy creatures. The darkness wasn’t pungent, not quite, but… for lesser shadows, it was surprisingly thick. The shadows attacked one or two at a time, making it easy for Donghyuck to fight them off, but it quickly became apparent that there was talk of some form of strategy, which took him aback. He had never encountered shadows that knew how to fight tactically. It was starting to feel wrong. Off. He blasted a group of shadows, and another appeared from behind the trees. He sent a bolt of light at a shadow, and another, and another, but they weren’t dwindling. There were always more. And instead of attacking to kill, they were… He sucked in a sharp breath, blasting off a single shadow that lunged at him. They were stalling. But why? “Love!” he called, awaiting an answer that never came. He cursed, shouted for you again, but with the same result. He aimed three bolts at the largest masses, and then he was off running, the dying shrieks of the shadows fading behind him. There were shadows everywhere, and he had to blast off a few that lunged at him, but the rest – the rest just stayed in place. Lurking. Hissing. Abnormal behaviour for shadows. Donghyuck didn’t like it. The closer he got to the waterfall, the more pungent the darkness became. It was stifling, thick and so wrong, so unnatural, that it grated on Donghyuck’s senses. No lesser shadows, regardless of how many they were, should be able to command this much darkness. Whatever held the command over this darkness, and possibly even the shadows, was powerful, far more powerful than anything Donghyuck had ever fought. And it was frightening. He knew that it partially was the darkness getting to him, this cold hand of fear that closed around his heart, because that was what shadows did. They took a flame and snuffed it out, tarnishing the mind and soul. They evoked terror, made the flight instinct flare up; animals would be long gone by now. Already, he was fighting the urge to turn back, to get away from this unnatural darkness, but he couldn’t, not without you. Who wasn’t answering his cries. The waterfall gradually came into view, and it spurred him to run harder, ducking to avoid branches and mindful of the roots rising from the ground. He couldn’t evade everything, but he didn’t much care for the slashes and bruises he obtained. At the waterfall, he came to a halt, chest heaving from exertion. The darkness here – it was almost too much. It hung low in the air, made breathing difficult, and the fear so much more pressing. His body was trembling with it, hands fisted by his sides as he fought his way through the darkness. And then – he saw it. The creature that had to be the one manipulating this darkness. It had assumed a man’s body, which – Donghyuck swallowed dryly. Shadows didn’t take the form of humans; they couldn’t. It was definitely a shadow and not another creature of night, but what he was seeing should be impossible. Yet here the shadow was in all of its otherworldly beauty, with unembellished skin and pale lips, eyes almond-shaped and dark as the night sky. Its body was sturdy, but slim, its bare arms indicating strength. And in the shadow’s arms was you. Donghyuck’s breath caught in his throat, and he stumbled backwards when the shadow slowly turned around on the spot to look at him. There was no warning. Shadows surrounded him, grasping at his arms and legs and twisting around his body, forcing his wings against his back almost painfully. He fought them, of course he fought them, but they were too many, and with his limbs held against his body, he stood absolutely no chance, despite the many beams of raw light he cast. They subdued him, and he could only watch as the shadow slinked closer, you pale and limp in its arms. “Donghyuck,” it spoke, its voice as unnaturally smooth as the graceful way it carried itself. Donghyuck felt like something had struck him in the gut and stolen the breath right out of his lungs. It spoke. And it knew his name. “Give them back,” Donghyuck demanded. He wished his voice didn’t shake as much as it did. The shadow tilted its head, regarding Donghyuck for a moment before its eyes fell to you. You looked so bright, right there in the shadow’s arms, your glow a radiant light wrapped in dark. You didn’t belong there, no one belonged there. It hesitated, and then said, slowly, locking eyes with Donghyuck, “No.” Donghyuck bristled and thrashed in the shadows’ hold. “If you dare harm–” “I do not think you are in any position to make demands,” the shadow interrupted, and Donghyuck bit down on his lip in fury. The shadow looked at you again, hair as black as the darkness it commanded falling into its eyes like a veil, and it – it touched your forehead, a single, pale finger, and Donghyuck cried out. “What did you do to them?” He begged. He could feel the energy draining from his body, a result from the shadows and his panicked thrashing. “What did you do?” “They are merely unconscious, little faerie,” the shadow said, but it did nothing to soothe Donghyuck’s nerves. “What do you want with them?” Donghyuck exploded. The shadow raised a perfectly shaped brow, but when it didn’t readily answer, Donghyuck tried to plead with it. “Please… Take me, instead. Take me –” “Little faerie,” the shadow said, and Donghyuck whimpered when the shadows squeezed him. They were dragging him, backwards, towards the – waterfall. He could hear it faintly in the background through the fear. “It is not you that I want. You cannot take their place.” “Please,” Donghyuck choked, “no, no, please –” The water roared underneath him, now, and he gasped desperately for air. He fought the shadows, fought to get his wings free, at least. “Please.” For a horrifying moment, he could feel himself falling – but then the sensation was gone. When he looked below, he saw the murky water: The one thing between him and the sharp rocks at the bottom was the shadows – or, rather, the shadow. He met its eyes, soulless orbs, he wanted to say, but what was in there had soul – emotions. If not for the unnatural darkness, it could have passed as a human. How did a shadow become like this? No shadow was sentient. No shadow spoke. It had moved to stand just in front of him, looking down its nose and cradling your body closer. Its features twisted, a slight tug at its lips, a smile. It caressed your cheek, head tilted to the side. And it said, “I will return them to you, little faerie. But first, I need them.” Donghyuck screamed when he was pulled over the edge, clawing at the shadows and blasting magic in every angle, not caring if they hit their mark or not. He just had to get the shadows off. He needed – needed to get to you, before the shadow took him away. He was falling, the water approaching frighteningly fast, and he twisted in the air, managing to get one arm free to punch at the shadows that shrieked at him. He blasted more magic, their shrieks echoing in the stillness, and still, the water was just below him, coming closer – He wrestled one wing free and used it to try to slow his descent. It helped very little. The collision with the water was painful, cold – The shadows’ shrill shrieks chased him into the black nothing. – Jeno didn’t stay around to watch the faerie’s struggle, or to see if the fall killed him. No, he thought, turning his back to the waterfall and the screams, he had more important matters at hand. He looked down at the unconscious faerie in his arms, and smiled, cradling you closer. You, with your glow so bright and pure, was the most important part of his plan. You were the sacrifice that Jeno needed, and at long last, he had you. It had taken two years, but his patience finally paid off. He was ready. – Someone was shouting his name. It took a lot of effort to fight his way through the haze that surrounded his mind, but the further he got, the clearer the voice became. He picked up on the anxiety, and belatedly realised it wasn’t one voice, but two. “Donghyuck, please, wake up –” There were hands on him, and for a moment the touch brought back memories of shadows clinging to his body, and he lashed out in blindness, fear shooting through him. His arms were restrained as a result, and he whimpered, twisting in the hold, needing – He needed to – “Donghyuck.” His eyes snapped open, and he jolted at the sight of Chenle’s face so close to his, eyes staring intensely into his. His expression, tight with anxiety before, loosened a bit in relief when Donghyuck returned to them. “He’s awake?” Jisung asked. The hold on Donghyuck loosened, and instead warm hands ran up his arms. That was when Donghyuck realised how cold he actually was. His clothes were clammy, sticking to his form. It hurt a little to breathe. He was in pain, he was aware, but at the same time, he knew the shock and cold was numbing him some. He didn’t know yet if that were a good or a bad thing. “Thank Mother Nature,” Jisung breathed. “We thought –” “What happened?” Chenle demanded. Donghyuck dimly noticed that Jisung was the one rubbing warmth into his arms, which he was extremely grateful for. “Where’s your love?” Donghyuck shot upwards, ignoring the flare of pain at the motion. Chenle yelped, reaching for Donghyuck when he swayed in place, a dizzy spell threatening to pull him back into oblivion. It passed, eventually. “I-,” Donghyuck whined, making an aborted attempt at prying their hands off him. “There was a shadow – It was so powerful, you wouldn’t believe it, and it has them–” He broke off with a sob, slumping against Chenle and fisting his hands in his shirt. “It took– need– I need to find them, please.” “Donghyuck,” said Jisung softly; Donghyuck whimpered, knowing by the tone Jisung was about to say something he wouldn’t like, “you’ve been out here for too long. Everyone has been searching for you when you failed to return before nightfall.” He swallowed, holding Donghyuck tighter when he tensed. “If it… If it took..them.. they’re gone. We’ve searched everywhere near the waterfall. They aren’t here.” “No,” Donghyuck choked out, blinking away tears. “No, it cannot. You can’t be gone. “We need to get you back, Donghyuck,” Chenle said, keeping his voice as gentle as Jisung’s. “You’re injured and you’re cold, and your glow is alarmingly dim. I don’t know for how long you’ve been lying here.” To distract himself from the panic building up inside him, Donghyuck blinked and glanced around to get a sense of orientation. It appeared he had washed up here, by the riverbank. He wasn’t far from the river itself, the rippling water calm compared to the roaring currents he had fallen into. His hands were stiff from cold and sported various nicks and bruising; he had no doubt, from the feeling of it, that the rest of him donned similar injuries. He was horribly sore all over, and his head was throbbing, as well as his ankle. Perhaps it was sprained, or broken. His wrist ached. He suspected he might have broken a rib or two. It would explain why each breath hurt. He glanced over his shoulders at his wings – and immediately froze solid, eyes widening at the dreadful state of them. They were ripped, drooping uselessly, and where they used to be transparent with nuances of vivid colours, now they were – blackened. The shadows had infested them. He wouldn’t be able to fly. “My wings,” he cried, his voice unnaturally shrill and broken. Chenle grabbed one of his hands tightly, but Donghyuck hardly noticed. “My wings, my wings.” “It’ll be all right,” Chenle tried to soothe, stroking the back of his hand. “It’ll be all right, Donghyuck. We’ll – We’ll find them, and we’ll get them back. But first you need to visit the infirmary – Donghyuck, breathe. Come, now, breathe with me.” Donghyuck drew in short, sharp breaths along with Chenle, who was watching him in concern as he tried to calm him down. Usually, Donghyuck would be loath to cause that kind of expression, but right now he couldn’t care. There were too many other things gnawing at him, eating away at his heart, you couldn’t be gone. And his wings, his wings – Chenle shushed him, which was when Donghyuck became aware of the tiny sobs he was emitting, the tears trailing hotly down his cheeks. They almost burned against his chilled skin. Jisung leaned in, brushing them away and grazing his mouth. His hand came back with drops of blood. The edges of his sights were getting fuzzy, and the cold was seeping into his marrows. The air he breathed in was too thin, like it had been when the darkness had surrounded him. This time, when consciousness slipped from his grasp, instead of shrieking shadows and pungent darkness, he was surrounded by the worried faces of his friends. But you weren't among them. ~ When Donghyuck came to next, he knew immediately by the scent and the warmth that he was in the infirmary back in their realm. The pain was like an echo in his body, a distant memory. Someone had healed him, probably made him drink a couple of draughts in his dreamless sleep. He was on his stomach – because his wings were torn and should be given room to heal, he realised with an odd sense of detachment. Lying on them would only make everything worse and prolong the recovery. He didn’t have time for that, not with you out there with some shadow holding you imprisoned. The thought of why the shadow took you made his stomach churn, and he shuddered. Shadows only ever snuffed out the life, killed on the spot – they didn’t abduct faeries. But this shadow wasn’t like the rest of its kind. This shadow took the form of a man, showed emotions, however indifferent they were, looked every bit like a remarkably handsome human. This shadow had learned to understand and express itself in the language of fae, which spoke of intelligence that was rather unnerving. This shadow was dangerous, and it had you. And Donghyuck didn’t know why. I will return him to you, little faerie. But first, I need them. He couldn’t trust a shadow. But it was what gave him hope. You were in mortal danger, and Donghyuck needed to get out there to save you before the shadow snuffed out your glow. It couldn’t be too late already. Chenle’s voice broke through his thoughts. “It’s going to be a while before your wings can carry you again.” “I do not need them to find them,” Donghyuck said, slowly, wanting Chenle to know there was no holding him back from trying. He was seated by his bedside, watching him carefully as he spoke. Donghyuck didn’t know for how long he had been out, this time. “I will use my legs.” “Donghyuck –” “No,” he snapped, lifting his head to aim a hard glare at Chenle. Chenle frowned disapprovingly, mouth twisting downwards. “I am not going to stay here whilst that – that monster has-, oh, Mother Nature knows where!” He kicked at the sheets covering his body, intent on getting up from this bed. “Shadows don’t kidnap faeries, but this one did, and this one is terrifying. Chenle, you have no idea. Its powers are greater than anything we’ve ever heard of. And it was one shadow. “We used to laugh haughtily when a single shadow dared to show itself, because they’re no match against us, but this. Chenle,” he huffed in disbelief, “this shadow can extinguish our entire realm with a snap of its fingers. We won’t even be able to put up a fight.” Chenle closed his eyes briefly, letting out a slow breath. “And yet you’re telling me I can’t stop you from going after it? Alone?” “I’m not leaving them in its hands!” “And we are not leaving you to mindlessly follow you straight into death!” Chenle shouted. Death. The word felt like a slap. “Don’t say that,” he whispered. Pleaded. Chenle softened a bit, reaching for Donghyuck’s hand and squeezing it between his palms. “You don’t know, Donghyuck. No one knows if they’re still alive.” “We won’t know if we don’t try,” Donghyuck choked, eyes brimming with distraught tears. “I can’t do nothing, Chenle. You know you would do the same if it had taken Jisung instead.” Chenle abruptly drew back, arms folding over his chest and looking pointedly away from Donghyuck. His stature was rigid, a frown tugging at his mouth. Donghyuck gnawed at his lips, upset about this, but he also knew he was right. Chenle would jump headfirst into a blazing inferno if he thought Jisung was trapped behind it. They both knew. “Promise me you’ll rest for two days,” Chenle spoke, stiffly. Donghyuck was about to protest, but then Chenle continued, “Jisung and I will search for them, and others are looking as we speak: Mark and Jaemin, Renjun, Lucas, Doyoung. All our friends are out there, helping us. And if we haven’t found them after two days, I’ll let you come with us. You’re still affected by the darkness, your wings especially. You need rest.” Donghyuck aimed a withering look at Chenle and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. There was no way he would just lie down and wait it out. Chenle narrowed his eyes when Donghyuck went to stand, determined to show Chenle that he was perfectly capable of going out there to search for you. But the second he was out of bed and supported by nothing else but himself, the world tilted dangerously and swam before his eyes, a spike of pain shooting up his foot. He emitted a tiny sound of alarm, before hands caught him and he was lowered back onto his bed. “I told you,” said Chenle softly as Donghyuck’s sight slowly returned. “I’m sorry, Donghyuck, but you’re only going to be a liability to have around. We cannot give it our best if we’re going to have to supervise you, as well. “Besides,” he said, giving Donghyuck a small smile, “you would kick all our asses if we let you go in your current state. I value my life and my backside. Two days is all I ask for, Donghyuck.” Donghyuck wanted to tell Chenle that he had no right to make decisions for him, but the fight left him as soon as it had flared. He needed to rest, he knew. Faerie magic and strange concoctions might have healed most of his injuries, but his ankle would require more time, unless he wanted to stumble around and re-injure it, which would only slow him down further. And his wings… Chenle had said it would be a while before he could fly again. He couldn’t do anything about it. Two days. That would be all right, wouldn’t it? Someone would be out there, looking for you, and while Donghyuck would prefer that someone to be himself, it was better than no one. And he wasn’t stupid; if he found you, he would find the shadow, and in his weakened state, he would stand no chance against it. He doubted the shadow would let him live, this time. Revolting as it was to acknowledge that fact, that was precisely what it had done. It could so easily have smothered his glow in its oppressive darkness, or let the shadows have him. Instead, it had tossed him down the waterfall, and whilst that had undoubtedly hurt and caused its fair share of bruising and broken bones, it hadn’t killed him. The shadow hadn’t cared whether he lived or died. Not when it had already gotten its filthy hands on you. He wanted to tell Chenle yes. He could stay in bed for two days. But the thought of his friends out there, with the shadow roaming free – it sent a chill down his spine. He looked at Chenle and asked, “What if it finds you?” “They’re our friend,” Chenle replied, holding Donghyuck’s gaze. “If we find them, and the shadow is there, we will fight until our last breath.” “You won’t,” insisted Donghyuck. “You will fight, and you will defeat it, and you will get them and yourselves out of there. And if you are losing –” he took a breath, the air sharp in his lungs, “– you will run, even if that – if that means leaving them. You will run and get help, you hear me? I love them, but I love you, too. And I cannot lose all of you to that monster.” “We’ll bring them back,” Chenle promised. “Even if we have to choose flight, we’ll know where the shadow keeps them. We won’t leave them.” Donghyuck smiled brokenly, feeling teary with the emotions pulling him in every possible direction, stretching him thin. He was so afraid; of the shadow, for his friends. For you. Even if he tried to be brave, to face this danger alone, he was afraid. “We’ll save him,” Donghyuck echoed, praying it wouldn’t turn out to be but empty words.

– You had fought, twisting in Jeno’s hold, biting at his hands and clawing at his flesh, screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs. You were brave, fearless, which was something Jeno could admire. But it served no purpose. In the end, you had fought for naught. The makeshift bed of dry leaves crackled under Jeno’s weight, and you, stubbornly clinging to the edges of consciousness, pried your eyes open to glare weakly at him. Your body was under the effects of nightshade poison, steadily stealing away your strength, though your fire remained, reduced to glowing embers waiting for the chance to catch fire. “This isn’t going to bring her back,” you whispered, much too exhausted to make as loud a spectacle as you had before Jeno had forced the poison between your lips. “You speak of things you know nothing of,” said Jeno, unmoved by your words; he knew you wouldn’t see it the same way he did. No one would. He couldn’t fault you for that. You eyed him warily as he prepared the poison, careful to always administer it at set times of the day and night, to make sure you remained in this state until Jeno had what he needed. “No more,” you pleaded when Jeno leaned forwards, breathing in hard through your nose, possibly in a futile attempt to kick your body into obeying you. “I’m sorry,” Jeno murmured, and meant it. Already, you were glowing a little less brightly. – Nothing. There was nothing. It was the fourth day, yet no one had found any trace of you, as if you’d just upped and disappeared from the face of earth. Donghyuck was starting to fall apart in the face of this lack of progress. His hope was diminishing a little bit for each day that went by. The moment he was released from the infirmary, he was off into the forest to search for you. As promised, Chenle and Jisung went with him. “We’ve already scoured the forest, Donghyuck,” said Jisung, shaking his head despondently. “There’s nothing.” “What if you missed something that only I would catch onto, being the only one who’s seen the shadow?” Donghyuck knew, deep down, that when Jisung said they’d searched the forest, they had. Leaving not even the smallest stone unturned. But there had to be something. Somewhere close, that had been his guess, his prayer, but the shadow could be days away. He was grasping at straws, and he knew it. This was desperation talking. “At the waterfall – there must be something, or – perhaps at the valley, it might have gone there –” “It could be anywhere,” Chenle said softly, and oh, didn’t Donghyuck know it. “We won’t give up, not ever, but…” Donghyuck let out a slow breath to calm himself. It didn’t work. He raised his hands to his temples and massaged them, trying to think. “All right. Shadows. Where do we find a shadow?” “Somewhere light cannot easily get to,” Jisung was quick to say, the words familiar to all of the faeries as it was what they were taught by the time they could go wandering by themselves. “The sun must be blocked from view.” “So a cavern, somewhere with thick vegetation, a house…” Donghyuck trailed off. “But what if this shadow doesn’t care about any of that? I told you about how powerful it is. Perhaps light won’t be enough to kill it.” “How else do you kill a shadow?” Chenle whispered. The only weapon known to defeat a shadow was light. Everything else would just pass right through it or do little to no damage. But this shadow… Donghyuck sucked his lower lip between his teeth to worry at, shaking away the thought. He didn’t need to think about that. Not now. “We’ll rake through all caves in our area,” Jisung suggested, glancing at Donghyuck for approval. “Also those outside of the forest.” Donghyuck nodded, satisfied with their plan. However, there was somewhere he needed to go first. “You two go ahead without me. I’m –” “No,” Chenle cut in immediately, sending Donghyuck a firm look. “We’re not splitting up. There’s strength in numbers, and if the shadow comes back for you for whatever reason, someone must be with you to help fight it off.” “It won’t come back for me,” said Donghyuck, feeling cold. He looked down at his hands, wringing them together helplessly. “It made that pretty clear when I begged it to take me instead.” “Oh, Donghyuck,” Chenle whispered, face twisting with sympathy. “I’m so sorry.” “It said it’d bring them back when it was done with them,” Donghyuck said brokenly, burrowing his face in his palms and sucking in a rattling breath. He felt arms wind around him, pulling him against a broad chest – Jisung – and he whimpered. “All I have is its words, and a shadow’s words are worth nothing. They’re deceitful creatures, all of them, malicious and cruel, and one has gotten its filthy hands on them and I don’t know what it wants with them. A shadow kills. It doesn’t snatch faeries at random and make off with them –” “Donghyuck,” Chenle cautioned, but Donghyuck ignored him, his breathing coming in short gasps. “It knew our names,” he whispered. Jisung’s arms tightened around him. “It must have been following us, keeping an eye on us from the shadows. It has been watching us, who knows for how long, and if I hadn’t let them go on ahead – If we hadn’t split up, perhaps I could’ve saved –” He cut himself off with a sob, so tired of crying all the damn time like a child when instead he should be actively doing something. Not breaking down like this. “It wasn’t your fault,” Jisung said softly, rubbing Donghyuck’s back comfortingly. “You couldn’t have known. No one could.” “I could have realised that something was off about the whole thing right from the start,” Donghyuck moaned. “There’s no use lamenting what you could’ve done but didn’t do,” Chenle reminded, not unkindly. His hand fell onto Donghyuck’s shoulder, squeezing. “There’s nothing we can do about the past, but we can do something now. We won’t lose faith, Donghyuck.” Not until they found you, dead or alive, was what went unsaid. “I know,” Donghyuck sniffed, backing away from Jisung’s embrace to wipe away his tears. He tried to focus on his breathing, on clearing his head. “I wanted to have a look at the waterfall and its surroundings. I know you said you looked already, but I –” “We get it,” Chenle said, smiling encouragingly at him. “Let’s go. We’ll check.” They followed the stream, Donghyuck hardly able to look at it without remembering his last time with you, the look on your face when Donghyuck had hit you with water and the laughter that followed, when Donghyuck and you hadn’t known what laid up ahead. He clenched his jaw, bracing himself for the sight of the waterfall. If the stream affected him like this, the waterfall would probably be even worse to behold, memories tainted by the shadow and its darkness, and the memory of you unconscious in the shadow’s arms. He wondered how you were doing. If you were still alive. The waterfall came into view, and something in Donghyuck revolted, but he pushed on. The fear from that time was like a distant echo, sinking into his bones, and he shuddered, rubbing his arms instinctively. There was nothing to be afraid of, he told himself. A hand closed around his elbow and he looked up briefly to meet Chenle’s kind smile, before the faerie left his side to start looking. Donghyuck shook himself out of it, feeling the cold touch of fear ebb away, and followed Chenle. He wouldn’t let the memories tarnish this sacred place forever. – The glow diminished a little bit for every drop of poison Jeno dipped between your lips, each sliver Jeno stole, joining forces with the darkness around Jeno and you to further weaken your body and mind. “I did not want to take away your glow,” Jeno murmured, brushing some hair away from your eyes. You were too exhausted to keep them open. “It makes you so beautiful that it almost takes my breath away. But it is a necessary evil. I am certain you will look just as stunning, if not more so, without your glow, instead bathed in night’s shadows.” “I will die,” you breathed out, too drained to protest Jeno’s caress, the most recent dose of poison threatening to take you out for a while. You fought against it bravely. “If your aim is to take away my glow, you will kill me.” Jeno was aware of that. But it was a price he was willing to pay, if it could get him his beloved back. – You had been gone for thirteen days, now, and Donghyuck felt his hope slip away with each passing day, taking a sliver of his sanity every time. It was unbearable, this ignorance, this lack of any progress whatsoever. They’d already searched every cave in vicinity, and he, Chenle and Jisung had gone for a five-day trip to the mountain chain to scour it and its surroundings out, hoping against hope that the shadow would have taken refuge there, but there had been no trace of it or you. They’d reached a dead end, and several faeries had given up on ever seeing you again, at least alive. It drove Donghyuck mad, shedding furious tears into his pillow at night. There was only a handful left willing to help him find you, and two of those were Jisung and Chenle, both so loyal it brought Donghyuck even more misery. Accept it, the others said, pity marring their expressions as they looked upon Donghyuck. They all hurt at the loss of a fellow faerie, a friend, but it was nothing compared to Donghyuck’s grief. They aren’t coming back, Donghyuck. They’re gone. It’s time to give up. He had let out his anger at Chenle and Jisung last night, exhausted after scouring the forest for the third time, but he had to do something, lest he withered away like a flower after a dry spell. He couldn’t just stand by and wait for the shadow to hand over you. He wouldn’t accept it. He regretted lashing out due to his own shortcomings, his desperation and anger and fear. It was wrong of him to do that, he knew, but it hurt so much to always come back home empty-handed, to a home that was devoid of your presence, his scent steadily growing fainter as the sun set and rose routinely. It hurt that you were still in the shadow’s possession, and that Donghyuck could do so very little to change it. It hurt that his wings were still useless, darkness still staining them despite everything that had been done to try to bring them back to what they used to be. His wings would be all right, he had been promised. Just give it time. That was easier said than done when he wanted nothing more than to get out there and scour the sky. “A few days,” the lithe faerie said, her voice soft and pretty. Almost like yours. Along with Renjun and a couple of others, she ran the healing house. Few faeries were born with an affinity for healing, and those who did usually grew up to become healers. She touched his wings – he could hardly feel it, which evoked a feeling of emptiness in him – lips tugged downwards in a thoughtful frown. “You took a lot of damage. I’ll be honest with you and admit that I’m surprised they’re not ruined for good.” Donghyuck shuddered at the thought of never being able to glide through the air, feel the wind caress his skin. “But not to worry,” she chirped, backing away to smile down at him. “It will take a while, as they can’t start to heal until the darkness is gone from them, but you will be able to fly again, eventually.” “I’m glad,” he murmured, looking down at his hands folded demurely in his lap. “Thank you, Naeun.” “Say,” she started hesitantly, gaining a little courage when Donghyuck gestured for her to continue. “The shadow that took you… What is it like?” Donghyuck frowned, glancing up at her in question. “The shadow?” At her small nod, he pursed his lips, brows pulling together tighter. “You should’ve heard it by now.” “Not that,” she said, dipping down onto the bed beside him. She aimed an imploring look at him. “I meant… its behaviour. The way it spoke. You didn’t happen to catch its name?” He couldn’t help but sneer. “Does a shadow have a name?” She frowned at him disapprovingly, arms folding over her chest. “Tell me. I have… heard things, and I’m starting to suspect it may be linked with this.” Donghyuck sat up straight, abruptly, obviously startling her, but he cared very little. “What do you know?” he demanded. She glared at him. “If you would just do as I say –” She puffed out her cheeks, and then seemed to calm down a little, softening. “I’m not – sure, but… I wasn’t born here. I came here a couple of years ago, after leaving my old realm. It just wasn’t the same…” Donghyuck didn’t speak, and she nodded a little to herself, continuing. “There was a faerie, there. I didn’t know her personally, as she tended to stick to her closest friends, but I’d seen her around. She was… peculiar, and nobody really understood her, especially not when she started to stay out throughout the entire night, despite the dangers lurking in the darkness. “She seemed… happy,” she said softly, “after that, smiling at everyone, but keeping under wraps what was the reason behind her happiness. There were rumours of her having fallen in love with some other faerie from another realm, which she didn’t outright deny, so everyone began to tease her for it, not that it ever seemed to bother her.” Naeun sank a little in her seat, sorrow taking over her expression. “But then she started to change. She remained cheerful, but her glow was fading, weakening. No one knew what was happening, so suspicion turned to her secret. They demanded to know who he was, that she bring him to them to assure he wasn’t the one killing her, for whatever reason, but she always stood firm. She would never let them meet the one who had her heart, she said. “And then, after that, she stopped coming back to us. We looked for her, I think for a few weeks, at least, before someone saw her again. Her glow had almost died out by then, but still she refused to lead them to her lover, and when they tried to take her back, they said – they said tendrils of darkness had creeped across the ground towards her, and before their eyes, a man had risen, hair and eyes as black as the darkness he’d come from. And the faerie had smiled, had taken its hand and allowed it to lead her away from the others.” She fell silent, so quiet that Donghyuck thought she would be able to hear his heart beating, threatening to burst out of his ribcage. Naeun cleared her throat, looking up to meet his eyes. “They said a lot, but few believed them… They said she had fallen in love with the shadow. They had watched them walk away. She never came back and no one saw her again. I am one of the few who believe she might have actually fallen in love with a shadow, but that means the reason she never came back was because the shadow’s smothering darkness became too much for her and eventually snuffed out her light. After all, light and dark cannot co-exist. One is fated to end the other.” “And you’re saying this shadow that took my love might be the same shadow this faerie fell in love with,” Donghyuck breathed, thrumming with this revelation. “I think so,” she said. “After all, how many shadows have been known to take human form?” And how many shadows had been capable of love? – “Her name was Yoojin.” Jeno held the leaf to your lips, watching you lap up the water as he talked quietly. You had weakened considerably over the past days, rarely giving Jeno any kind of verbal response, the struggle you put up whenever the poison neared your mouth – when you were aware enough to notice – was half hearted, at best. Jeno quite liked you like this. “We fell in love,” Jeno hummed, heart aching at the memory of what had once been – but would soon be again. If it worked. And it had to. It had to. “Yoojin… She was radiant. She was of spring, like you. And she loved me. She stayed with me, even if her glow started to fade, even if I begged her to leave me – she stayed.” Jeno carded his hand through your hair, taken by the still glossy hue. Almost like Yoojin. You had your head in Jeno’s lap, and it appears you were done drinking, eyes closed, listening with one ear, probably, if listening at all. Jeno put the leaf aside, laying his fingers against your neck instead and feeling your pulse thrum beneath his fingertips. Weak, but steady. “She died in my arms, like this.” Jeno frowned at the memory of what had once been so bright – snuffed out, like water poured over the glowing embers left from a fire. Yoojin had been in his arms, and she had smiled, eyes heavy with fatigue, but she had smiled, never once blaming Jeno. Instead, she had spoken her last words, I love you still ringing loud and clear in Jeno’s mind, like a ghost, and her eyes had dropped – and they hadn’t opened again. Cradled in the embrace of darkness, her glow gone, Yoojin had still looked so beautiful. Jeno had cried over her body, his tears dripping into Yoojin’s hair and onto her skin, growing colder against Jeno’s touch. Death was final, Jeno had been told, and it had hurt so much, with Yoojin no longer smiling at him, loving him. “But I’m going to get her back,” Jeno whispered, looking down at you in his lap. Glassy eyes were looking up at him, drooping, and Jeno smiled, caressing your cheek. “It will be all right.” “If I die,” you said breathily, “you will cause the one I love the same grief as you suffered. You’re taking me away from him.” “If that is what has to be done,” Jeno said, closing his eyes, “then I’m sorry, to Donghyuck, and to you.” You tried to lift your head, but dropped back onto Jeno’s lap almost immediately. You huffed out a breath. “You can’t bring him back. It cannot be done.” “I can,” whispered Jeno. “I have to, or I will lose myself.” He cradled you closer, feeling your chest just barely rise with each shallow breath you took. It seemed you had finally given up the fight this time, submitting to the exhaustion. You had a dreamless sleep ahead of you. It wouldn’t be long, now, before he had Yoojin back in his arms, at whatever cost. “I’m sorry, little faerie.” – At long last, they had something, but what good did it really do? You were still out there, Mother Nature knew where, with a shadow that might – do what, exactly? It had been well over two years, if he were to believe Naeun, since the faerie, Yoojin, had followed the shadow into the darkness, and hadn’t re-emerged. If Yoojin had left to be with the shadow, and her glow had already been frail, then… she shouldn’t have been able to survive more than a few weeks, at most. Darkness festered, slowly sucking out the light like a leech, and if Yoojin’s glow had been as weak as Naeun described, perhaps she wouldn’t have stood a chance anyway, even if she’d been exposed to the sun and faerie magic. Perhaps it had already become her fate, the last time their people saw Yoojin, to burn out and die. But what did that mean for them? For you? Donghyuck didn’t know what to believe. He hadn’t heard of a shadow like this one before, capable of love – or manipulation, a voice whispered – and, perhaps, grief. And if that were so, if it had mourned Yoojin’s death, if it had truly loved her, what had the loss done to its mentality? It was sentient where other shadows acted out of some basic instinct, it was calm where they were wild and vicious, and it, seemingly, was capable of complicated emotions. It was chillingly powerful, and yet its aim didn’t seem to be to kill everything in its path, like a regular shadow. It had only wanted you. And what for? Yoojin had, almost certainly, died two years ago, so why make a move now, after so long? What could it possibly have to gain from taking you? The similarities between you and this other faerie were the only things that stood out; you were both faeries of spring, preferred the company of only a selected few they held close to their heart and by strangers thought to be aloof, and had a glow to outshine the sun when it was highest on the sky. Were you a replacement for what the shadow had lost? It made Donghyuck nauseous to think about, but he had to. As repulsive as the notion was, it was one he had to consider. However, it didn’t add up with what he knew. The shadow could have struck anytime, so why now? Why wait two years before doing anything? What was there to gain from that? Was it that it had simply been searching for someone with enough resemblance to Yoojin, or was there more to it? And even so, its parting words to Donghyuck – I will return them to you, little faerie. But first, I need him – they haunted him every waking hour, and followed him sometimes into dreams. If he really were to believe the shadow, that it would actually keep to its words and deliver you back – the question remained. For what did it need you? Not to forget that if the shadow had manipulated Yoojin into falling in love with it and giving her life, which made it even more dangerously cunning, the reason for taking you and keeping you somewhere, well – Donghyuck didn’t understand. It couldn’t hope to make you fall for it, like Yoojin had, not after taking you from your home and loved ones. Donghyuck doubted the shadow would be that stupid, after everything it had done up until now. It would know that wouldn’t succeed. And again the words it had said just didn’t fit in. Distrustful of the shadow as he was, he couldn’t figure out why it would say such a thing to him, unless it was taunting him. But even that seemed far-fetched, for some reason. Perhaps because of the look in its eyes when Donghyuck had looked into them. One thing was certain, Donghyuck thought. It was no coincidence that it had taken you, who shared so many of Yoojin’s alleged traits. The shadow had declared, clearly, that it couldn’t use Donghyuck, after all. It had been three weeks. He was under strict orders not to strain his wings now that the darkness was gone from them. You should hold off on flying completely for a few days, Naeun had advised. But Donghyuck could no longer stay on the ground when he could look from the sky. Chenle and Jisung had looked disapprovingly at him when he shook his wings, testing their strength, before taking to the air, but they hadn’t said anything. They knew he would turn a deaf ear to their objections, and instead stayed close by, insisting on breaks every so often. It irked Donghyuck, but he acquiesced, taking the time to scour the ground from a treetop or on foot. In the end it made for a more thorough search, so he held back his complaints. Chenle and Jisung never once mentioned ceasing the search for you, like everyone else had done, but he saw the looks they shared, sometimes. The sympathy, the hurt, the dejection, the hopelessness. He saw it in their eyes when they looked at him, in spite of the valiant smiles on their faces and encouraging words that regularly left their mouths. He knew they were losing hope. He was too. But he wouldn’t let it get to him. He would search every nook and cranny in the world, if he had to, until he died with your name on his lips or was reunited with his beloved – dead or alive. He would sooner forgive the shadow than give up. “I won’t blame you, you know,” he said under his breath, looking away when Jisung frowned at him. He closed his eyes, leaning against the trunk of a tree; his wings were protesting, a dim ache, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. “Blame us for what?” Chenle asked, tone carefully neutral. Cautious. Probably expecting the words that left Donghyuck. “For giving up.” There were hands grasping at his arms, and he looked up at Jisung’s determined face. “We would never.” “But it’s starting to look a little hopeless, isn’t it?” Donghyuck said with a small voice, looking past Jisung’s shoulders, past Chenle. He didn’t want to see the hurt reflecting in their expressions. “You’ve barely slept through the nights, and at day, you’re busy helping me find you –” “They’re important to us too,” Chenle broke in. “Don’t ever think that we would readily leave them with that despicable creature. We’re not backing out, Donghyuck. We’ll find them.” “I just wish we weren’t flying in circles,” Donghyuck whispered as he was pulled into a hug. The young faerie was being exceptionally touchy these days, and Donghyuck couldn’t help but take immense comfort in it. Their reassuring touches and embraces encouraged him, convinced him he wasn’t utterly alone in this, that someone was by his side. That someone would be there for him, if – if worse should come to worst. If he never saw you again, or found you, cold and still. He wasn’t so sure he would ever be able to move on, but at least he would have someone by his side to remind him that he wasn’t alone, that someone would hurt if he left, too. Someone who would remind him that sleep was essential, nutrition something he couldn’t be without, that he was loved, if not in the way he was loved by you. It stung, having to consider such things, but he couldn’t close his eyes to reality. That wasn’t how life – or death – worked. “We’ll find them,” Jisung murmured into his ear. “We will, so don’t lose hope, all right? Not one of us will.” “I won’t,” Donghyuck swore, and that, at least, was a promise he could keep. “Let’s move on,” said Chenle, his hand falling onto Donghyuck’s shoulder and staying there for the moment. Just a comforting weight, a reminder. “We still have some time before sunset.” And by that time, when the sun was sinking below the horizon, Donghyuck knew he should have taken Naeun’s words seriously. His wings hurt, and at some point, he had dropped from the sky, managing only to right himself terrifyingly close to the ground; Chenle had cried his name, struggling to get to him in time. Jisung, alerted by Chenle’s distress, had emerged from between a couple of shrubs, but by that time Donghyuck had already landed on the ground, on his feet, and Chenle had reached him, hands in his hair and skin pale from fright. “I don’t care,” Chenle hissed, following a resigned Donghyuck into the infirmary, “what you might have to say in objection; you are not flying again until Naeun or whoever says you can. Mother Nature, you scared me.” “Us both,” Jisung added sombrely. “Us all,” Donghyuck quietly admitted. When Naeun appeared, she took one look at Donghyuck and sighed. “You flew, didn’t you? Despite my specific orders to rest.” “Well,” Donghyuck said, “I do think your exact word was probably –” He shut his mouth at the glare she threw him. “I’ll coat them in my magic,” she said, stiffly, still glaring, and Donghyuck shifted on his feet, avoiding her eyes, “and then you will refrain from flying the next three days, do you hear me?” She blew out a huff. “If you ignore my words again, I fear the repercussions. You wings could possibly be damaged beyond healing, magic or no magic. So, please, Donghyuck, listen to me.” “I understand,” Donghyuck sighed, moving to stand before her when she gestured for him to come closer. “I’ll give them time to heal.” “Good,” she said. Donghyuck would try, at least. – Your glow flickered. Jeno watched you sleep with his lips tugged down in a frown, reaching out with a hand to run his finger down your cheek. You just breathed. Your glow was faded, a mere dusting where it before had been radiant and so very bright. And it had flickered, briefly casting their surroundings in thick darkness. Jeno had stolen too much, the poison even more, but this was it. It was time. You hadn’t been awake for over a day, hadn’t talked for three, and when Jeno leaned down to whisper into your ear, there was no response. “I will take you home now, little faerie.” – The days were passing by in a blur. Every morning, before the sun was up, Donghyuck got out of bed and prepared for the day. He contemplated the locations they had already searched through, whether to try again or go somewhere else. He ate, a little, usually with Chenle and Jisung, and after deciding on somewhere, they set out, sometimes for the daylight hours, sometimes with enough supplies to stay a night or two away from home. They had encountered various children of night on their trips, but compared to the shadow that had you, those lesser shadows and a few tribes were nothing. Jisung had reported hearing singing somewhere, but one look at each other and they had unanimously agreed not to go anywhere near there. They remembered tales told to them when they were children about monsters using their song to lure unsuspecting victims into death. There were few sightings of such creatures, but Donghyuck suspected it was because only few escaped to tell others. Sleep didn’t come easily to him, and when it did, it always brought night terrors, visions of your cold body and the shadow laughing over him, flinging taunts after Donghyuck when he broke down at the sight. Other times, he found you, alive and bright, and Donghyuck would forget the horrors, embracing you and scattering kisses over your skin. He couldn’t decide what was crueller: The nightmares of you dying or the dreams of them uniting, because he would always wake up, bathed in sweat or smiling, only to realise that still they were stuck. Some nights, he didn’t sleep. Chenle and Jisung never mentioned it, but he sensed their concern, felt their eyes on his neck when he had his back to them. They worried for his health, and sometimes Donghyuck worried too. But nothing was more important than getting you back, not even himself. It was the twenty-eighth day. Donghyuck felt a little numb. Sometimes he forgot himself for hours, until he woke up from his stupor and realised he was searching in a forest or at the riverside, or somewhere else entirely. Chenle and Jisung were always close by, in case something happened. Always in sight. It was reassuring, truth to be told. It was unlikely, but Donghyuck was terrified of the shadow coming back for him. He just wanted to find you and never meet the shadow ever again. One time was one too many. He couldn’t understand what about the shadow was worthy of being loved, by a faerie, no less. Sometimes, he thought Yoojin must have been mad. It was the twenty-eighth day, and dusk was soon. Reluctantly, Donghyuck began the trek back home, flanked by Jisung and Chenle, also on their feet. They insisted on keeping Donghyuck company on the ground, and Donghyuck didn’t object. On their way home, they passed the waterfall. Donghyuck was careful to not linger there too long, aching at the sight of the sun hovering just above the horizon. He didn’t want to watch the sunset without you; it was your thing. He wished so deeply it weren’t tainted by that day, but he had hope that when you returned to him, you could help him work on that. You could vanquish the darkness that clung to the place, together. For now, he could not bring himself to stay. Donghyuck bid Chenle and Jisung goodnight at his doorstep, and went inside when they were out of his sight. His home wasn’t the same without you, and he didn’t actually like staying there, but he also didn’t want to impose on Jisung and Chenle every night, even if he knew they understood. They were allowed time to themselves, to not constantly stand tall because Donghyuck was with them. They needed to breathe, to let go, perhaps to cry. Donghyuck knew they had cried a couple of times since that day. He tried to save it for the long nights. He hadn’t been home for long before a sense of unease came over him, and he fiddled anxiously with the mug of tea in his hands. Something passed by in the corner of his eye, and he spun around, wide-eyed, to see a black wisp hovering in the air. It was waiting, he realised – and he dropped the mug, which landed with a thud on the floor, sending sprays of tea across the ground. I will return him to you, little faerie. But first, I need him. His breath caught in his throat, and he scrambled to follow the wisp when it moved, out of his home. It was dangerous. It might be a mistake, to follow the wisp, but it was a chance he couldn’t pass up. It could be a trap, the shadow waiting for him, and he didn’t care. He just wanted you back. The wisp led him out of the realm. Donghyuck didn’t know for how long they flew, but it wasn’t many minutes, likely countable on one hand. It didn’t matter. The wisp took him further into the forest, and then it slowed down. Before his eyes, Donghyuck saw the wisp take on the form of a man – the shadow. The one that had taken you. It looked just like it had twenty-eight days ago. “Where are they?” he asked, fervently. He looked around anxiously, but snapped his gaze to the shadow when it cleared its throat. “They are here,” it said softly, taking Donghyuck past a few trees – and there you were. The noise that left Donghyuck didn’t sound like himself, too small and too high. “What did you do?” he demanded, horrified, darting to your side and touching your skin. Cold. “What did you do?” “I needed their glow.” You were so pale, almost translucent beneath Donghyuck’s hands. You didn’t appear physically harmed, but that didn’t matter when your glow was so weak. Donghyuck hardly dared to breathe, afraid the faintest brush of air would snuff out your glow like a flame. “No, no,” Donghyuck gasped, fumbling to take your hand – cold, cold, too cold – and squeeze it. He tried to rub warmth into in, whipping around to aim a fierce glare at the shadow, which just looked on impassively – or was that a flash of regret in its eyes? It didn’t change anything. “They’re going to die!” Donghyuck screamed. Despite the burning desire to throw himself at the shadow and throttle it with his bare hands, he ultimately decided to turn his back to it. You were dying. Tears slipped from his eyes as he leaned over you, rubbing his hands against your skin. Too cold. “I’m sorry,” the shadow spoke behind him, and that – that was too much. Donghyuck lunged at it, thinking with his fists rather than his wits, but before he could land a punch, the shadow had dispersed. Donghyuck staggered, catching himself before spinning around, frantically searching for the shadow – and saw it in its previous form, hovering above you. He lurched forward, a flash of faerie magic shooting straight through the wisp. It caused absolutely no harm. The shadow left you, moving closer to Donghyuck before turning into its human form again, catching Donghyuck’s fists in its hands as they came down on it. Donghyuck struggled, screamed at the top of his lungs, but he was outmatched, which was – a chilling thought, or would have been, had Donghyuck not been blinded by the rage boiling through his blood. “You did this,” he cried, trying to kick the shadow and hitting nothing. “They’re not going to survive –” “Quiet down, little faerie,” the shadow cautioned. Donghyuck screamed into its face, louder when all it did was to bat its eyelashes. “You lost your love and now – and now you’re taking them from me?” His voice cracked. “Why?” “You know,” the shadow said, and there was a frown marring its face, some sort of hesitance. “You know about Yoojin.” “You killed her, and now you are the reason that my love is dying, they–” The shadow’s hands tightened around Donghyuck’s wrists, briefly, before loosening again. The frown hadn’t left its face. “I am going to bring her back,” it said evenly, and Donghyuck laughed, loud and shrill. “What’s dead is dead.” It pushed him away. He stumbled, the momentum sending him tumbling to the ground. It watched him, wordlessly, and before Donghyuck could lunge at it again, it was gone. He crawled to your side, almost collapsing across you but catching himself and laying his hands, gently, on your cheeks. His tears fell onto your face, looking so serene even if you were dying, fading by the second. Your glow flickered, right then, and a sob tumbled from Donghyuck’s lips. “Donghyuck?” He burrowed his face against your chest, briefly comforted by the heartbeats his ears picked up, until he was reminded of how short-lived they would be. “I’m so sorry,” he moaned, fisting your shirt and looking up to meet your half-lidded eyes, looking drowsily up at him. “I searched everywhere, but I couldn’t find you –” “It’s all right,” you whispered, and Donghyuck felt a new wave of tears hit him at the breathless and fragile quality to your voice. You couldn’t even lift your arms to hug Donghyuck, and it hurt. “You’re here. I’m here.” Donghyuck whimpered. – You wouldn’t live through another day, Mark had announced, tone heavy with sorrow. Sympathy. Donghyuck had someone fetch Chenle and Jisung while he made you comfortable in the bed, covering you with every blanket they had lying around and then burrowing closer, sharing his body heat. Too cold. He was keenly aware of every breath you drew in, every sigh, your pulse thrumming beneath Donghyuck’s fingertips, reminding him of the seconds ticking away. You had fallen back asleep not long after you had woken up, as if just rousing yourself to say eight words to Donghyuck had been too exhausting a task. Your shirt was damp with Donghyuck’s tears. Chenle and Jisung burst into Donghyuck’s home, and Donghyuck told them what had happened in-between sobs, cradling you close. “No,” Jisung said, distraught, voice thick with tears. Chenle was faring no better by his side. They sought out each other’s hands, and Donghyuck looked away, tucking his face away against your neck. Only you slept that night. The others watched your glow flicker, fading in and out, your life flickering with it. Each time Donghyuck held his breath, only letting it out when your glow remained, wane as it was. The last time you woke up, you were barely aware, but you called out Donghyuck’s name, hardly audible, and Donghyuck was there; right by your side, kissing your lips, your cheeks, your forehead, and your nose, tears soaking his kisses. “I love you,” Donghyuck whispered brokenly, and you managed to say it back. Your eyes landed on Chenle and Jisung, both openly crying, and your mouth tugged down in a slight frown – and then the dark pulled you back into the abyss, and your eyes slipped closed. It took two hours, and when it happened, the sun was just peeping over the horizon. Your glow had flickered, had burned out. Hadn’t returned. Donghyuck hadn’t known what to do, seeing his love fade away, just like that. He hadn’t been prepared. He could’ve never been prepared. He didn’t even cry, feeling too cold, too empty, too numb. He should cry, he thought, grasping your hand tightly. Chenle and Jisung – they were crying. They were hugging you, Chenle pulling him against his chest, but Donghyuck only had eyes for you. Your glow was gone. It was gone. You were gone. – Faerie funerals were simple. The faerie would be taken to the Circle, a place thrumming with faerie magic, in the air as well as the ground beneath their feet, in everything. It was overflowing with vibrant flora and plants, Mother Nature’s way of taking care of Her people, reminding them that She was there with them in these solemn times. You were laid out on the ground, beautiful flowers untouched by the chilly autumn day blooming everywhere around you. But your eyes were closed, your breath stolen away by the forces of darkness, and Donghyuck could never forgive that. Faeries stood around them, heads lowered in grieving. Chenle and Jisung were by his side, one on each, a reminder that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t know what to do with that yet. He felt alone. He felt like his world had crashed down around him. It was as though there was a hand locked around his neck, squeezing every so often and cutting off his breath. A constant lump in his throat. It all seemed so unreal. He found himself waiting to wake up from this nightmare. There were no words spoken. It was a short ceremony, lasting no more than ten oppressively minutes spent in utter silence. And then people started leaving, some coming to give their condolences to Donghyuck, who hardly acknowledged any of them. They understood, and left with a pat on his shoulder. Eventually, there were only Donghyuck, Jisung and Chenle left. And you. Soon, Donghyuck knew, Mother Nature would take you back. You would simply just fade away, become nothing. But you would be in Mother Nature’s embrace, so caring and soothing, and you would be well, with Her. It was an empty comfort. If you could’ve been in his arms instead, that would have been better. Not this. “Donghyuck…” Chenle hesitated. He shared a look with Jisung – Donghyuck saw it, out of the corner of his eye. “Can you leave me?” he asked, voice choked up with tears. “I need – I need to see them disappear. It’ll be… I need to see them return to Mother Nature.” His friends didn’t answer immediately, but then Jisung mumbled something under his breath, and with a last hug, Donghyuck was left alone with you. You looked so peaceful in death, without your glow, and the tears spilled over. Donghyuck walked backwards until his back met the trunk of a tree, and then he sank down, sobbing in grief as he waited for Mother Nature to come for you. Waited for you to disappear. You would be truly gone, then. This pain he felt was unbearable, and he wished to claw out his heart, be rid of it, so that he didn’t have to suffer through this. It was too much. But as much as it pained him, he couldn’t be without it. After all, it was in his heart that he kept you. Had Donghyuck not been so taken by grief, he might have sensed the shadow slinking towards him from behind. It crouched by his side, out of sight, silent as night, and lifted its hand to blow black powder into his face. Donghyuck, never once looking away from your still form, wasn’t aware of his consciousness leaving him and his eyes slipped closed, a shuddering sigh passing through his lips. – Jeno caught the faerie before he hit the ground and gently arranged him against the trunk of the tree. When he straightened again, his attention was on you. Jeno moved slowly towards your lifeless form on the ground, and sank onto his knees once by your side. He tilted his head, the nearly unbearable ache in his heart starting to ebb away when he brushed your hair. “I was right,” he murmured, smiling despite himself, despite everything that had gone wrong. He really had believed. Hope was such a fleeting thing. “You look lovely cradled in darkness. But…” He leaned down, mouth a hair’s breadth from your lips. “… You are of light. You have to glow.” He pressed their lips together, breathing into your mouth – and when he pulled away, your glow didn’t flicker to life.

The darkness still lingered around you like a halo and your heartbeat was still. Jeno hefted you into his arms, your head lolling against his collarbone with the motion. Jeno watched you disintegrate in his cave instead, watching your body get taken by the shadows so cruelly. Your glow didn’t bring Yoojin back to life, and now the little faerie will experience what it’s like to not see his love pass on. – Donghyuck awoke to someone shaking him gently, and when he pried his eyes open, he saw Jisung and Chenle, both frowning concernedly down at him. Their eyes were red from crying. “Let’s go home,” Jisung whispered, as if raising his voice would shatter – something. Perhaps Donghyuck. Donghyuck blinked slowly, looking past them to look at the place where you lay. Or should have lain. He sprang to his feet, eyes frantically searching the empty space. You had been there – He had wanted to see Mother Nature take you back, but he – He fell asleep. He missed it. And now he would never see you again. Arms wound around him from behind when a sudden sob tore from his throat, and he collapsed into the embrace, crying out miserably, not wanting to believe that you were really gone, that he would never see you again. Oh, Mother Nature, he would never see you again. Hands were on him, turning him around in the embrace, and he pushed his face into someone’s chest, Chenle or Jisung, he didn’t know, didn’t care. He had missed it, and now it was too late. You were gone, and he was alone, he was utterly alone, and he missed you, he wanted you back, he hadn’t been ready to let you go. His love wasn’t here any longer. You were gone. And Donghyuck shattered.

[sasorikigai]

OTP Ask Meme || @paindealt​ || accepting 

1. Who wakes up first?

Hanzo, simply because he doesn’t wake up first, but he has high propensity to completely forgo sleep (he likes to take catnaps during the days) and watch Kuai Liang sleep or being occupied in productivity - reading, painting, meditating, doing chores, etc. 

2. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

Neither, for they are remarkably disciplined and dedicated to their clans and they are punctual individuals. Unless Hanzo beseeches Kuai - for such circumstance occurs seldomly that he’s actually able to get a good night’s sleep with such abundance of nightmares and night terrors, and even panic attacks, then they will most likely stay in bed for a bit longer. 

3. Who takes longer getting ready?

Hanzo, by the slightest margin, because of his hair - even when Hanzo’s accustomed to comb his hair out and properly tie it in a bun atop his head, the process could get rather tedious, as he has luscious straight hair.  

4. When they can’t sleep, what do they do?

Remain entangled and naked, facing all the realities and verities of their existence and talking about their bliss of growth, the splendor of action, the common dreams and aspirations of their respective clans. They are not overly promiscuous and sexual to begin with, as they both have low to normal sex drives, but they do enjoy revelling in their bodies - all the imperfections, scars, their sculpted forms, every hill and valley of their impressions and such. 

5. Who falls asleep while watching a movie?

Most likely Hanzo, unless he’s entirely engrossed by the storyline and the characters in the movie, he will simply regard it as a white noise that will lull him to sleep. 

6. Who falls asleep last, watching the other with a small affectionate smile?

More frequently Hanzo, watching Kuai Liang sleep chases away all the self-isolation, unexplainable loneliness and warms his heart up. The solitude as the world reduce to only two of them becomes an escape from the pandemonium in a world that never could

7. Who comes up with the cheesy pick-up lines?

Kuai Liang, ever the dorky pun-master. That will either get him Hanzo’s glaring stare or his snorting laugh (provided that it’s actually funny). 

8. Who gets extremely competitive playing Mario Kart?

Hanzo, not only is he extremely competitive, but when in mood, he could be such a sore loser. He’s the one that crashes his car so many times due to road rage. He literally lits himself up in smoldering blaze next to Kuai Liang. Modern Hanzo even worse, because he already engages in motorcycle racing as one of his hobbies and this is only pouring gasoline onto his temper. 

9. Who accidentally pushes a door instead of pulling?

Hanzo, this is the reason Shirai Ryu Compounds have sliding doors. JK. He’s sensible and attentive enough to pay attention to such a thing, but there are moments when his hazy and sleep-addled attention slips and Kuai has to direct and guide him properly. The same goes for the modern Hanzo, as he could be clumsy and rather out of his normal self especially in the early mornings. 

10. Who sets the other’s ringtone to something loud and obnoxious behind their back?

In modern verse, definitely Kuai. Most likely for Hanzo’s alarm in the morning or during the night when he’s assigned a graveyard shift, but Hanzo gets extremely irate and agitated in the morning. 

11. Who rearranges the bookshelf/DVD shelf in alphabetical order?

Both in their canon verses are rather meticulous and organized. Kuai most likely more than Hanzo, because I headcanon him that he keeps Lin Kuei Archives with the utmost care - they are all scribed by hand as he absolutely detests and distrusts technology - and almost appear anal to those who are deemed messy and unorganized. Neither in their modern verses, as they both prefer what I call a ‘chaotic mess.’ Their personal space isn’t a pigsty per say, but there would be neat clutters everywhere, scattered throughout their rooms. 

12. Who does the hands-over-the-eyes “Guess Who” thing?

Kuai. Especially when Hanzo’s immensely occupied with his work in front of the laptop and with abundance of paperworks; either to make his ‘father’ take a damned break, or just simply wanting attention. I can definitely imagine them being outside their house - going to the library, book cafes, etc. to just break the mundane boredom of being stuck in the house when Hanzo works from home - and Kuai attempting to pull pranks and/or just being a mischievous son. 

13. Who points out a dog when they see one?

HANZO HASASHI, your ever-lonesome, touch-starved and animal-loving father. Even when he didn’t have a pet in his youth, there were so many stray dogs and cats around Shirai Ryu Compounds and he especially has fondness for the cats, because they are just like him. 

14. Who’s prone to road rage?

In the modern verse, it’s Hanzo. He has been caught by fellow officers when he was speeding (of course, they all let him get off with a warning), and not even that will slow him down; especially when he’s on his motorcycle. 

15. Who’s prone to wearing socks indoor (or to sleep)?

Neither in their canon verses, but Kuai in their modern verse. 

16. Who reminds the other to put on sunscreen before going to the beach (or pool)?

Hanzo reminds Kuai, 1000000% times, because Kuai and the Sun don’t get along. Hanzo rarely gets sunburned, as he tans remarkably. Kuai on the other hand... needs to cover himself up with all that he could in order to prevent him from literally burning in red. 

17. Who carries all the important documents while traveling?

Neither; whether in canon or other verses, they would never risk losing anything profound and substantial that could be used against them. Especially modern Hanzo, intimately knowing the risks involving identity thefts, frauds, blackmailing, etc that could get them in trouble, urges Kuai Liang almost every day to keep them either in the safe or leave them with him. 

18. Who gets the window seat?

Neither of them are picky when window/aisle seats are considered, but since window seats are more comfortable in long flights and he likes to move around a lot especially in long-hour flights, Hanzo would most likely let Kuai have it. 

19. Who puts their cold hands/feet on the other?

Kuai Liang. Because he’s the one with the cold hands and feet. 

20. What do they argue about the most?

I don’t think they will argue that much, if not, at all, unless it’s Scorpion and Revenant Sub-Zero. Scorpion can be unnervingly merciless, acerbic and ruthless with his words, even towards the Revenant, whom he accepts as his most treasured company and ally, but nevertheless, his words will hurt Kuai Liang, because they are meant to hurt. Except that, I really don’t see them arguing much in their canonical interactions, and maybe in modern verse, it happens more frequently because Hanzo could come across as exceedingly protective and worried. 

21. Who’s clumsier?

They have their moments, but Hanzo’s more of the sleep-deprived one with barrage of issues that would occasionally prevent him from carrying out his routine without having thoughts of suicide and other harmful actions, he may come across more lethargic and uncoordinated. Kuai Liang will immediately pick it up, even though he may not say anything much. 

22. Who texts more often?

Hanzo in their modern verse. He is not a nagging father per say, but he does make the most attempts to try to connect with Kuai Liang, despite his hard-set habits and their generational gap. 

23. Who is better with kids?

Hanzo, simply he has been a father before all the shitshow of his life took its place and he’s still yearning that long-lost fatherhood to become a tangible, fluid reality. Even with Takeda Takahashi present in his life, there’s that hollow void in his heart that couldn’t be filled. 

24. Who’s the better cook?

Hanzo by far; regardless of their verses, he’s used to being in the caretaker’s position and enjoys the process of not only exploring, but developing his culinary skills. Both canonical and modern Hanzo will most likely use Kuai as his unintentional guinea pig, and knowing Kuai doesn’t like heavily pungent and spicy foods, he will try his best to make accommodations to satisfy both of their dissimilar palate. 

25. Who mistakes salt for sugar?

KUAI LIANG. This man cannot cook for the life of him. Does he burn water on the stove? 

26. Who puts the fork in the microwave?

Neither, but a sleepy Hanzo at 3am would. 

27. Who cooks at 2 in the morning?

Modern Hanzo Hasashi. This man will push his body even beyond his limitation just to get his work done. Him being such an excessive workaholic helps him to disengage all the unsavory thoughts. 

28. Who lets the microwave play the loud beeping sound at 1 a.m.?

Depends on who has the gnawing appetite in the wee hours of the morning, because in their modern verse, I can definitely see that they both are perpetual night owls and they will skip eating lunch and/or dinner either one is not present to cook or buy groceries (Hanzo seldomly does and will almost always opt out on delivery or takeouts) and they are too enraptured in their work. They have such one-tunnel vision when they are in their concentration, so most often, it would be both of them sharing leftovers. 

29. Who licks the spoon when they’re baking brownies?

Neither. Hanzo doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth and Kuai Liang can’t cook nor bake shit. Maybe Kuai attempts one of those microwavable brownies with chocolate powder. The only thing he has to do is to pour milk in it and microwave it for a couple of minutes, but he may even struggle with that..... It’s cooking. 

30. Who likes doing the dishes

Canon Hanzo finds chores somehow therapeutic. Doing them gets his mind off of things and he’s more or less used to the repetition. It keeps his mind grounded and anchored to reality. 

31. Who has bigger cravings? What are they?

Again, entirely depends on their moods. Kuai Liang will have an occasional sweet craving that Hanzo will never fathom to understand, but he tries to accommodate his lover / his adopted son as best as he could - bringing sweets from work, stopping by the bakery or cafe to just satiate Kuai’s addiction, etc. - Hanzo cannot be helped when he’s depressed with alcohol - his preference being sake in canon and other strong liquors like vodka and whiskey, although canon Hanzo seldomly gets drunk for the sake of intoxicating himself, because he knows the consequences, and alcohol being a depressant. Modern Hanzo doesn’t give one single fuck as long as it doesn’t hinder his work ethics. 

32. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Hanzo, regardless of verses, will come up with a mental list of what Kuai likes and doesn’t like. While he could be poetic and eloquent with words, he attempts to be observant and perceptive with such things. After all, he is a ninja who HAS to acquaint and familiarize with not only his surroundings, but finding out about individual(s) as well. He will also attempt to emulate the dish personally, adding in some personal touches. 

33. How do they eat ice cream? What’s their favorite flavors?

Hanzo doesn’t much care for ice cream either, but the only flavor he likes is matcha. He doesn’t do the lick and swirl thing most people do with ice cream; he will just bite off from the top, as if he was eating a granola bar. Prefers it without any toppings, and will eat it either in a cup or in a waffle cones. Kuai likes the sweet flavors, most likely fruit-based, and put all the sprinkles, marshmallows and fruit syrups all over his ice cream. 

34. Do they go on dates? What are they like?

In their canonical setting, their ‘dates’ are limited to the confines of their clans, as it always has been their priority. They would most likely spar, exercise and meditate together, spend some intimate moments in their private quarters - copulations, cuddling, reading and painting and sculpting, pursuing their hobbies whenever they can - eating supper and drinking tea - Hanzo doing the cooking, Kuai preparing the tea - and in their rarest outings, perhaps going out to the nearest town for a dinner and strolling around the towns, introducing each other’s culture to them. 

35. What do they smell when they smell amortentia?

Hanzo: saturated pine and evergreen of the Lin Kuei forest, cool, crisp and minty scent of Kuai Liang’s breath and the severe, yet welcoming damp earth and petrichor. 

Kuai: charred dust, rust and copper, burning oak and maple, cherry blossoms, incense, sandalwood and musk, the salty trail of Hanzo’s sweat, iron and steel of Hanzo’s katana. 

36. Which one is the secret snuggler?

Kuai Liang. Hanzo being a snuggler is not a secret, as he prefers to be the big spoon and the initiator about 95% of the times. Kuai’s gestures and initiations are careful, gentle and meek, but nevertheless, immensely appreciated. 

37. Which one offers their jacket to the other when they complain they feel cold?

Neither. Not that both will ever complain about the cold, but in the modern verse, Hanzo will never be reluctant to give up his jacket if Kuai shivers in the cold. 

38. Who reaches for the other one’s hand while driving?

Hanzo, regardless of situations, corporeal gestures are immensely important and pivotal in his relationship and the kind of relationship - platonic or romantic/sexual. Modern Kuai will reach for Hanzo’s arm and hand when he’s behind, embracing Hanzo from the back. 

39. Who leaves little notes in the other one’s lunch? (Bonus: What does it say?)

Not that Hanzo will pack lunch for Kuai every single day, but when he does cook for Kuai, he will leave something short and sweet in Kuai’s language (Chinese, obviously Chinese and Japanese share many characters, despite phonetic difference). It would say something like “藕断丝连,” which means “Although the lotus root may be cut, its fibered threads are still connected.” Signifying that their friendship survived adversity and obviously connoting that it has become something more in their shared time spent together. 

40. Who is the most affectionate?

It’s hard to compare, because they both are very reciprocative of each other’s affections to their fullest. At the first glance, Hanzo may come across as more affectionate, because he’s more used to initiating and giving gestures and words of love and appreciation. He’s also used to being in such relationship more than Kuai, who has never been a romantic/sexual relationship that deals a lot with gestures that are not meant to bring harm and suffering. 

41. Who is the big spoon/little spoon?

 Most often, it’s Hanzo being the big spoon, as his arms would be wound around Kuai’s midsection and around his neck (Hanzo’s arm being Kuai’s pillow), or Hanzo on his back with Kuai’s head on Hanzo’s upper arm. They don’t mind switching things around, either during sleep or when Hanzo starts to have an onslaught of nightmares and night terrors. 

42. What is their favorite feature of their partner?

Hanzo: Kuai’s eyes. Even when Kuai’s more of the phlegmatic, collected and calm one, he knows that such embedded emotions spill forth from those oceanic sapphire eyes. He likes to look at them, stare at them, drown in them and just appreciate the depth they can offer. 

Kuai: Hanzo’s arms; they are well-sculpted and hard like tempered steel. Hanzo obviously relies heavily on his upper body strength in kombat, and his build shows - while Kuai has more mass, Hanzo’s muscles are more finely chiseled. He also appreciates Hanzo’s lips; they are full and swollen, and absolutely kissable. 

43. What is the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

They have really deep, baritone, gravelly (Hanzo’s) and hard voices that could come across as ruthless and harsh; but when they talk about each other, the timbre of their voices will soften, and there would be less polished intimidation and aggression embedded on their eyes. 

44. What are their nicknames for each other?

Hanzo: beloved, dearest, ice bear. 

Kuai: love, beloved, hearth 

45. Who worries the most? Over what?

Even though they are two of the most capable Protectors of Earthrealm, there is an underlying concern of their safety and sustenance. They both have faced death and risen again, but they both know the chronology they have shared between them as Shirai Ryu and Lin Kuei rivalry reached its apex hadn’t been merciful and kind. Through their shared enemies now, they would do their best to protect each other from dying in battle. 

Modern Hanzo would worry that Kuai will descend towards the life of criminality and sins, because of his traumatic abuse and violence he had to endure before being adopted to Hanzo. There is a fundamental yearning to see Kuai follow the footsteps of his legacy, as Hanzo too, had been a lawbreaker and misfit and had redeemed himself to become a better person.  

46. Who initiates kisses?

Hanzo 100% at the beginning, but Kuai attempts his best to initiate and reciprocate Hanzo’s more natural engagement. 

47. Who says I love you first? How did it happen?

Happened to randomly slip from Hanzo’s mouth during their walks. While he feared rejection and unreciprocated feelings, Hanzo would have taken the risk at least to admit the truth of his feelings, which had been both carnal, visceral, emotionally coalesced and linked. Essentially he was feeling that Kuai was his soulmate; for he possessed so many qualities Harumi used to have - a gentle strength, a strong, mature mind that would secure and anchor him, and would have seen him both at low and high, crossing each other’s paths so many times. 

48. Who tells their friends/family about their relationship first?

Neither, not that they have families to tell. All the other acquaintances, friends and allegiances catch up on their relationship through observing and prediction. They are more or less bound to know each other and they are by far from being engaged in gossips 

49. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Hanzo will either draw or paint him on mulberry paper or in his sketchpad, bound in Japanese style (that he would always keep in his private quarters). He would sketch Kuai’s portrait, or do expressive croquis when circumstance allows him. Kuai often sculpts Hanzo in ice and and ponder upon the day when Hanzo gifted him the headband he wears. 

50. Who gets overwhelmed by small acts of kindness?

Kuai, because he is still adjusting to non-threatening and vicious gestures and acts, and especially when Hanzo takes him into the utmost consideration by indulging his needs and desires. 

[slightly-nerdy-rambles]

Robstarweek Day 4: Behavioral Fever (Prompt: Fever)

Out of all this week’s prompts, “Fever” gave me the hardest time. I wasn’t really interested in going the obvious route of “Robin/Starfire is sick and the other one has to take care of him/her,” but the prompt didn’t really inspire any creative reinterpretations for me, either. In the end I went for having them both take care of someone else, and while it still isn’t my favorite entry of the week, I think it turned out all right.

Plus, now we all get to learn something about insect health *insert “The More You Know” pic here or something*

Behavioral Fever

It had all started when Cyborg found Silkie curled up on top of the fridge. This by itself was not seen as a big deal – the little mutant had a habit of wandering anywhere and everywhere in Titan’s Tower, and with three flying residents it was a trivial matter to get him back down.

But then he made his way onto the fridge again, and then planted himself in a patch of sunlight filtering through the window and refused to budge, and then he insisted on curling up right next to Starfire when she went to bed that night. He was less active, too – lethargic, it seemed – and when they discussed his odd behavior the next day, Robin managed to piece together a pattern in Silkie’s chosen resting spots.

Warmth. It was as good a lead as any to go on, so after some more discussion on how they were supposed to figure out the changing needs of a heavily mutated bug, Cyborg and Beast Boy took to the computer and started some research on what could cause an insect to suddenly start favoring heat.

What they found was “behavioral fever” – an instinct many cold-blooded animals had to seek out warmer than normal temperatures when they were sick, as a germ-fighting strategy not unlike how mammals’ body temperatures raised in a normal fever.

That was two hours ago. Now Starfire was sitting cross-legged on the roof of Titan’s Tower, one hand on Silkie’s back as he slept curled up in her lap. Her other hand fluttered nervously as she debated whether it would be too much to form a low-powered starbolt as an impromptu heating lamp.

She didn’t turn when the rooftop doorway opened behind her, but she could tell by the cadence of the approaching footsteps that she had been joined by Robin.

“How’s he doing?” he asked, sitting down next to her.

Starfire’s brows furrowed, and she stroked the larva’s back. “I… I do not know,” she said, her voice wavering. “He does not wish to eat or play, but neither does he vomit or… or…” She sighed and turned to face him. “Robin, I do not even know what else to look for!”

Robin placed a comforting hand on her back, but she could tell from the pinched fabric in his mask that he was worried too. “Hey, you’re doing the best you can. At least he doesn’t have any new symptoms, right?”

Starfire sniffled and hugged Silkie a little closer to her, careful not to jostle him and wake him up. “I suppose, but I cannot help but feel that I am a bad caretaker.”

Robin frowned. “Starfire, why would you think that? Killer Moth was the one who mutated and used him without thinking about his health, and I think we’ve figured out a lot about how to take care of him since we got him.” He moved closer and reached his arm around her shoulders.

Starfire managed to give him a thankful if watery smile, and she leaned a little into his touch. Her expression crumpled after a moment, though, and she let out another sigh.

“I just wish I could do more for my little bumgorf.”

Robin hummed in quiet agreement and rested his chin on her shoulder, looking down at the sleeping larva. They stayed that way for several minutes, neither talking because there wasn’t much else to say. Their pet was sick, hopefully with just a simple cold (or whatever the equivalent was for a mutant insect), and there was little more they could do than keep an eye on him and wait.

At length, though, Robin stirred again and announced, “I think it might be time to head inside.”

Starfire pursed her lips and glanced over at him. “But it is warmer up here.”

Robin frowned a little and scooted himself around until they faced each other.

“Star, you’ve been out here for almost two hours,” he said gently. “It can’t be healthy to just sit there and stress.”

He glanced over her shoulder. “…Actually, I could have sworn Beast Boy was supposed to be coming with–”

As if on cue, the door slammed open behind Starfire, who jolted in surprise. She turned her head to find Beast Boy standing in the doorway, practically draped in blankets and looking every bit as concerned as she felt.

“Okay, I’ve found all his favorites plus a couple others and I think this one’s heated?” he rattled off, holding up one of the blankets at the last part.

Starfire smiled a little at this, and with a low sigh she stood up. “I suppose you are right,” she admitted to Robin, then turned to Beast Boy and added, “and I believe the heated one will work best.”

Beast Boy’s expression relaxed somewhat and he nodded, shifting his pile around while Starfire held Silkie close and Robin walked up beside them.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

More time passed and the knot in Starfire’s chest began to ease. There weren’t any alerts that day, and the Titans found themselves spending most of their time in the common room, near where Silkie had been tucked in to rest and recover.

Everybody pitched in. Cyborg managed to tweak something in the heating element of the electric blanket Beast Boy had found, to keep it from overheating Silkie. Beast Boy fashioned it and some of the other blankets into a sort of half-fort, half-cocoon, that Silkie could fit into relatively snugly but still crawl out of when he needed. Robin kept him supplied with water, and little bits of food for when his appetite came back. Raven even used some of her healing magic to ease his symptoms a little, although she warned that she couldn’t overdo it or his body would stop fighting the illness.

Even so, Starfire couldn’t quite seem to pull herself away. She managed to keep herself from hovering over and crowding Silkie, but she spent most of the day on the couch near where his cocoon-fort was set up. She would talk with the others or read or play games for a time, and then after an hour or so she would find herself looking over to make sure he was okay.

Because of this, it didn’t really come as a surprise to her when she dozed off for a little while and awoke to find that it had gone dark outside and she was the only one left in the common room. By rote, she scooted herself over to the edge of the couch and peeked over at her charge.

Silkie was fast asleep, his thorax rising and falling in a gentle rhythm. Starfire sighed and leaned onto the arm of the couch, pillowing her head on her arms. She really should be getting to bed herself, but…

The low swish of the hall door broke her out of her thoughts, and she looked up to find that Robin had reentered the room. He smiled when he saw that she was awake.

“I thought you’d still be out here,” he nearly whispered, making his way over to her.

Starfire sat up. “I am… unsure if I am ready to leave,” she confessed.

Robin nodded, and as he rounded the couch, she saw that he was carrying a couple more blankets. “I had a feeling. I have a little experience with getting stuck on something you’re worried about, but I figure this is better than a supervillain case.”

He offered one of the blankets to her, and she accepted it with a small smile. “In fairness, you have gotten much better about that since Tokyo,” she commented.

Robin chuckled. “Thanks,” he said, unfolding the other one and sitting down to pull off his boots.

Starfire perked up in surprise. “You will be sleeping out here as well? I thought that was considered improper in this culture.”

Robin shrugged. “The couch is big enough that I can take the other end and give us plenty of space, or I can sleep on the floor if you’re uncomfortable. Cyborg won’t let me hear the end of it if he finds out, but I don’t see any other issues.” He looked up at her, and his gaze softened.

“The biggest thing I’ve learned on this team is that it’s better not to take on these things alone. If you need someone to help you check up on Silkie so you’re not up all night, I’m there for you.”

Starfire just looked back at him for a moment, and she could feel her pent-up tension melt with his presence and his calm assurance. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.

“I do not mind us both sleeping on the couch, if you do not,” she said gently. “And… Thank you.”

Robin mimicked her actions, smiling again as he climbed up onto the couch. “For you, Star? Anything.”

[katharinalsz-blog]

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[reflections-in-tea-cups]

Shadow

tw: pet death

We lost our beautiful, lively, shy, affectionate, panther of a house cat on Monday, March 25, 2019. While I hope the details of the past month fade from my memory, I know some of you are shocked at the news and want to know what happened. This story is still too painful to retell, so I’m putting it here.

It’s a long story with a tragic end. It’s not my best writing, but editing it further is beyond me right now. 

Shadow came into our lives on Feb. 13th, 2015. We went to the animal shelter to look at a dog – instead, we came home with an eight-year-old black cat. We thought he was a gentle old man, but as soon as he stepped out of the crate we realized they had sent us home with a panther. He was thirteen pounds of pure muscle, and the first thing he did was jump up six feet to hide on the top shelf of my closet.

Despite his size and athleticism, he was incredibly gentle and shy. He hid under the bed the first two weeks that he spent with us, only coming out after lots of cajoling. Even then, he’d often stop just at the edge of the bed so we could reach in and pet him. Once he was comfortable with us, he’d throw himself at our feet for pets and scritches, rolling around so we could get at his belly. He was always deferential to our resident female cat, despite having at least three pounds on her. He was playful and sweet, jumping up walls to catch at laser lights and crawling under the covers for morning snuggles. You always knew what his favorite toy was, as he’d leave it next to (or, more commonly, in) his food dish.

I’m not sure when he stopped eating. He still cried for food every morning and night, and he still went to the bowl and began lapping it up. We noticed that there was more wet food being left over, but that happens sometimes and it usually isn’t a problem – maybe one or both cats don’t care for that flavor of wet food, or maybe they got tired of it, or maybe they’re eating less because everyone is less active in winter. They always had access to dry food, so I didn’t worry.

I was shocked when I picked him up in late February and realized I could feel his bones. He was always a healthy, muscular cat – but suddenly he felt frail and old. Concerned, I made an vet appointment; the soonest available was two weeks away. Luck was on our side, and I got a call a few days later saying they could see us March 8th.

At the vet, we found our healthy-at-thirteen-pounds boy was now under ten. Blood work showed signs of pancreatitis, dehydration, and anemia. X-rays didn’t find anything surprising, just an empty stomach. He got anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids. They sent us back home with some prescription food, instructions to monitor his food and water intake, and a blood recheck appointment set up for a week later.

His appetite increased for a few days. He still wasn’t eating enough to gain any weight, but any progress was hopeful. But by Wednesday (the 13th) he was back to barely eating anything and I called and got him an appointment for the next day. The 14th was terrifying – his weight had continued to drop, and as had his red blood cell count. They recommended hospitalization for IV fluids and medication, and to monitor his eating. I cried signing the papers to leave him there for the day.

When I went to pick him up that night, they said he hadn’t really improved and they recommended overnight hospitalization. Our vet isn’t a 24 hour clinic, so that involved transferring him to a local emergency vet. The ER vet reassured us that pancreatitis is often treated by a few days of pushing fluids, so we should remain hopeful. She also offered to do an ultrasound on his abdomen, to further look for anything else that could be causing his symptoms. No one really knew why he was so anemic, but maybe the ultra sound would see if/where he was bleeding internally.

After a sleepless night, the ER vet called to tell us Shadow had done well – they’d gotten him to eat a little, and the ultra sound hadn’t found anything too alarming or conclusive. The only thing they noted was an enlarged lymph node. We were told another day of hospitalization would be ideal, but we might be able to take him home that night. It was with a much lighter heart that we brought him back to our regular vet, giving them the overnight report and excited to get our healthy boy back soon.

However, our rollercoaster took a sudden dive. The vet reported that he hadn’t eaten and had only gotten more lethargic as the day progressed. The next diagnostic step they recommended was exploratory surgery, during which they would also insert a feeding tube so we could ensure he was getting the calories he needed. At this point, they were very worried he was about to enter liver failure from starvation.

We decided to go ahead with the surgery, which was scheduled for the next morning. We took him home that night for lots of cuddles – lapped up our affection all night. He was so happy to be back in his familiar environment, and our other cat also made it clear she was thrilled he was home.

Taking him to the vet the next morning was a tense affair. After finally being home, he wanted nothing to do with his cat carrier and let us know it. Three hours later I got a call from the vet – he’d done very well in surgery and was waking up comfortably! They had a new diagnosis based on the state of his liver and gall-bladder: feline triaditis. While they did take a couple biopsies, they were pretty confident we were on the right track. They said the prognosis was good but the at-home care would be intensive; not only were we responsible for his calorie intake through the feeding tube until he began to eat again, but there were also five medications that needed to be given once or twice a day. They still hadn’t found a source for the anemia, but hoped it would recoup with everything else.

We were thrilled to bring him home and dedicated to getting him back up to health. His food was specially prepared each day and given to him 4-5 times daily. He had to be quarantined from our other cat and dog for a while, so he was confined to the spare bedroom. Within three days, he was starting to eat on his own and was feisty enough to try and escape to the rest of the apartment whenever I opened the door. His stitches were healing well, and we got a onesie for him to wear instead of the hated cone (not that he liked it much better). The vet checked in that Monday, and was almost as excited as I was to hear how well he was doing. We started letting him explore the rest of the apartment with Leira and Kenai when we were home to monitor him, so he got more stimulation and got to hang out in all his favorite spots. Everything was looking up.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last. On Friday (the 22nd) I noticed that his eating was declining. We had just gotten him up to full calories through the feeding tube, so I figured it would take a while for his appetite to surpass what we were giving him. However, his appetite didn’t pick back up, and he began showing increased signs of nausea when I fed him. He also felt unusually warm. On Monday I called the vet, and left a message asking if this was normal recovery behavior. I spent the afternoon at home with him, waiting for the vet to call. They didn’t, so I called and asked again that evening – this time someone went back to talk to the vet in person. We were advised to take him to ER.

We went back to the ER where he had been hospitalized just ten days before. After a quick physical exam (where we saw he had lost even more weight, and he was feverish), they took him back for more bloodwork. He was extraordinarily anemic – his red blood cell count had decreased by half from its previous low levels. We could take him to a clinic that could do a blood transfusion – the nearest one was an hour away by car, and he’d have to stay there for at least 24 hours to make sure his body didn’t reject the blood. And since we didn’t know what was causing the anemia, it was likely the transfusion would only buy us a little time.

The next diagnostic step would be to test a sample of his bone marrow, a process that would involve putting him under anesthesia. There were three main suspects for his anemia at this point: a virus attacking his red blood cells and/or bone marrow, an autoimmune disorder (his body attacking his red blood cells), or cancer. We were advised that was a toss of the dice whether or not it was something treatable; even if it was, it would be extremely intensive and difficult for him.

We took some time to hold him close and think about our options. His options. For the last few weeks (and the last four years) we had discussed always trying to do what was best for him. And as he fell asleep in my arms, that most difficult choice became clear.

The vet told us we could take him home overnight if we wanted, but it we weren’t going to do a transfusion we should bring him back within 24 hours to put him to sleep. I didn’t want him to go through two more car rides (his most hated activity) and what would clearly be a painful and stressful night – we decided it would be best to let him go peacefully that night. He’d had a good day cuddling on the couch with me, Leira, and Kenai (one of the rare times I actually got a picture of him and the dog together). Luis and I held him for at least an hour, telling him we loved him and soaking in his sweetness.  Finally we knew we couldn’t delay any longer. Luis held me and I held Shadow as the vet administered the anesthesia, lulling him into sleep for the last time.

Shadow was so much more than we ever could have expected. I’ll never be able to describe him adequately, or what he meant to us. We will miss him forever, and cherish the time we did get to spend with him.

[moonvanitasu]

went through a whole month of my cat not eating much, lethargic and just not herself. prior to this blood test showed her neutrophils dropped further, was anxious and depressed 24/7 about this. took her in for an earlier check up, neutrophils went up a bit (still low) but total wbc dropped, i still took this as a win bc neutrophils were getting far too low for my liking. since then she has improved, has energy and a good appetite. now over the last 24 hours she’s been having urinary issues which can be dangerous for cats and. she doesn’t tolerate the first line antibiotics needed if its a uti. fuCK. i'm also afraid of it being a blockage i'm an anxious mess. can my girl just please catch a break and have it last pLEASE

[zhemyna]

💝 (From baby Edda;;)

Send 💝 for a platonic kiss. its too bad they dont have one for familial kisses amirite

It’s been a long night. A very long night with an exhausted infant and an exhausted husband and frankly, she’s almost as exhausted.

Edda hasn’t been feeling very well recently and she’s shown it in only so much as an infant can. With crying and screaming, things to keep her parents on their toes. 

It’s been such a few days since Edda has contracted a small cold, and the fuss is such that Gilbert refuses to leave his daughter in her room. He’s dragged her crib, the changing table, and the rocking chair into their room so that no one parent has to sit up all night with her. Thus, they’ve been cradling and feeding and fussing in shifts, and it’s Zhemyna’s turn. She coddles her tiny child, rocks with her and sings to her, talks to her in low hushed tones even though she’s more than positive Gilbert could sleep through Armageddon, much less her voice. 

Edda doesn’t scream right now, though she gives off small hiccuping sobs while her mother gently massages her stomach and chest, trying to help ease whatever might be ailing. She only really cries right now when her appetite comes back or she messes herself, but calms when taken care of and while her Ama strokes her feverish little head, the red flush brilliant against her porcelain white skin.

Everything is going well and the infant Nation is drifting off … when she coughs and scares herself back into crying. Zhemyna’s fingertips carefully massage her chest and she continues rocking, talking in low soothing tones as best she can through her own drowse and hearing a tossing from the bed behind her.

“‘Sit time for another dose?” comes the croakingly sleepy tones of one Gilbert as he rolls over. A quick glance to the digital clock next to the bed offer him an answer without hearing her say it. “Ja. ja. I’ll get it….”

He shifts up to his feet and shuffles across the floor with an audible yawn, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing lightly as he passes. “Hey. I’ll take her when I get back.”

She looks up at him and reaches up with her free hand, squeezes his back. “That would be lovely. Diinkun…”

The smile on his face is soft and tired as he lets her go and heads for their bathroom, clicking a dim wall light and rummaging for the infant’s cough suppressant. She looks down to her daughter, who has finally lessened her distressed crying into a wet sniffle, reaching carefully for a rag and the nose bulb. Edda is much too tired to fight off the bulb and only barely moves her head when the cloth wipes her boogery nose clean.

“That is a good girl…”

Standing up serves to remind Zhemyna of her own tiredness, a wave of fatigue slowing time only for her. She is saved by Gilbert as he returns with the dosage syringe for the liquid baby meds, standing close to simultaneously administer it to his daughter and keep his wife from falling over. He looks almost as tired as she is, the bags under his eyes offering counterpoint in the dark silvery night to his crimson gaze. Yet here he is, soldiering through.

“There we are. That’s my girl.” His praises are usually reserved for his daughter, and tiny Edda takes them about as humbly as he does usually. All she does is blink lethargically and fuss minutely right now, fighting off the sick that’s gripped her.

Zhemyna waits until after to lift the infant up enough to kiss her fevered forehead gently, resting her own against it carefully. “You be good for your Vati. I will see you in a little bit.” She transfers the bundle into his waiting arms, planting a kiss to his forehead as well. “There are bottles of breast milk in the fridge of the day kitchen. For when she gets hungry. I pumped them yesterday, so they are still relatively fresh.”

Even in the dark, that grin of his glows. “Sounds like I need to raid the pantry then.” It sounds positively devious. A promise, for sure. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you can get some sleep.”

She gives him a soft smile before gently rubbing the fussy infant’s head and heading for bed. “Diinkun. Es miila tevye…” is uttered tiredly before she crawls in and watches as he slips out, a dismissive wave of a hand.

She is almost asleep by the time her head hits the pillow, hearing the whispered return of, “Ich liebe dich…” as the albino shuts the door behind him, and the gravelly off-key humming to his hiccup-sobbing Edda as he patters his way toward the stairs and the kitchen.

@removethewallinourhearts

[smolpocketsmonsters]

Heart Balm

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Now with a chapter title

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               You look awful.

               The words bounced around inside Aether’s mind, lethargic but needling. Ugly but correct. They lapped at him like waves on the Waking Sea. Like the bathtub water, gently jostled with the slightest movement from the man behind him, fingertips light and calm and soothing as they tenderly spreading the sweet smelling balm over his hair and skin.

               Vergil cared a lot about appearances, usually about his own, but this time, Vergil was fussing about Aether, far beyond that of his usual teasings that he would prod the healer with, especially over his tendency to pout. You’ll get wrinkles, he would say. This time, Vergil was fussing for real.

               You look awful.

               And he knew it.

               He knew that his poor appetite and lack of proper sleep the last six, almost seven months had washed him raw of the healthy tones that had once resided in his sun kissed skin, in his fair hair, and even his elfroot green eyes that were now lackluster and dull. And his body… How he wished he had been able to control that better. That whenever his cheeks were even slightly more sunken than usual, his cheekbones were more noticeable. And it wasn’t just his face that had been visually affected by his lack of health. He knew it from the way that his collarbone looked sharper, and the bones of his hips.

               He wondered if Vergil could see the knobs of his spine as sharply as they felt to his own hand.

               Aether did know that he could still come across as healthy to strangers, a little thin but not in a way that expressed physical sickness instead of mental, but to people who were familiar with him, people who knew him, they could see the difference.

               Vergil could see the difference.

               But what shame Aether felt from allowing himself to get this bad went silent as Vergil tended to him, gently and quietly pampering him in ways he had almost forgotten. It had been so long.

               The warm water was as soothing as the actions, as soothing as the presence of the other mage who later made him tiredly smile, and even laugh a little bit, as the Warden Commander would tell the healer all of what he had missed from Vigil’s Keep, of how his fellow Wardens were. It was good to hear everyone was doing well.

               Vergil must have noticed his exhaustion, or maybe he assumed such by the way he barely touched his food from lack of general appetite, because he gently inquired if he wanted to lay down. And the answer Aether gave him was replied in turn with a fond smile that made the worry in his heart ease up.

               All because of a confession of I miss you.

               A confession that was answered with I’m here.

               And Aether went to sleep that night with his heart feeling lighter than it had in months.

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               It took mere hours for Aether to wake again and drowsy eyes sleepily stared at the little bit of pale skin he could see peeking out from the shoulder of a black tunic-shirt, and beyond that, the ceiling of the rich bedroom that was his own, bathed in moonlight that poured in from the large balcony windows that sat closed to keep the chilly night air at bay.

               It was so strange to wake up not in his hammock, tucked away in the dark little closet that used to also be dedicated to keeping his private stash of wine. To sleep in his actual bed was more proof to the exhausted healer that the afternoon before had not just been an awful and wonderful dream, that the sweet smells of perfumed balms had been more than just his missing Vergil coming to a head.

               It was real.

               This was real.

               And a tired smile curled on his lips and he breathed deeply, sedating himself a little with the soft scent of Vergil’s favored bath oils in his nose.

               And although it put him at ease, it did not help him fall asleep.

               He and Vergil had gone to bed too early and Aether had missed his nightly ration of sleeping draught.

               That or Vergil told the apothecary to not bother them.

               Aether wasn’t entirely sure.

               But as he tried to doze off, he thought about how they all began.

               Strange to think it was coming up on thirteen years since the day Aether had found himself trapped up a tree by werewolves only to be rescued by a party of people who, at the time being, he had no idea consisted of three Grey Wardens, one who became King of Ferelden, the second who eventually was the husband of the Empress’s Arcane Advisor and Liaison to the Inquisition, and the third who wore the title Hero of Ferelden and Warden Commander publically.

               Vergil was such an awful flirt back then too.

               If not for the Dalish Warden insisting on lingering a little longer once Zathrian’s clan was safe, that was all Vergil would have been to Aether. But things happened just the way they had and that forest was where the two of them truly began what would transform into what they were today.

               A sharp and sudden ache in his left hand dragged his attention away from his peaceful musings and he winced from the Anchor’s flare.

               It had been doing that more often since encountering Telana’s barrier during the excavation of the Frostback Basin. More often but the flares were no more painful than they had been since the first time the mark grew more powerful, back after Corypheus’s attack on Haven.

               At this point it was just a mild annoyance.

               A heavy sigh hefted in Aether’s chest and he curled his fingers, nuzzling his face against Vergil’s skin.

               He had to try to get some sleep.

               But what sleep came was poor and he woke frequently and morning came all too soon with the sound of Aether’s personal rooster closing the door behind her and coming up the stairs, the scent of breakfast wafting into the room and Aether couldn’t help immediately feeling sick to his stomach.

               Aether listened as her steps hit the landing and then paused, perhaps hesitating under the view of the two sleeping in the bed, and then there was the sound of a heavy tray being put down, one, two steps and then…

               “Not a step closer.”

               He didn’t even realize that Vergil was awake, hadn’t noticed the change in his breathing, hadn’t noticed the change in his heart beating against his ear.

               “That’ll be all. Dismissed,” Vergil’s low voice added, scratchy from sleep.

               There was hesitation, and then the familiar chirpy voice of the servant reached his ears.

               “Excluding meals, Ambassador Montilyet has cleared the Inquisitor’s schedule for the day.”

               Aether quietly thought a blessing to the esteemed ambassador as he listened to her quieter retreat and then heard the door close. Once it was, he sighed and felt his entire body relax, and Aether allowed himself to doze back off until this time it was Vergil who disturbed him by moving, by uncoiling his arms from around the Inquisitor and pulling away.

               Aether felt anxiety creep into his chest when he felt the man get out of bed, but that was eased when he felt the bed sink once more and he felt Vergil’s fingers lightly stroke over his hair briefly as the Warden settled himself back down, not to sleep more, but to eat in bed. With that peace of mind, Aether quietly stretched out, feeling long and gangly if only for a moment before he curled back up onto himself, unwilling to open his eyes, to be aware of anything more than what he heard and felt, and just wished himself to go back to sleep.

               He probably was for a few minutes, he doubted it was an hour, before he felt the gentle rousing touch of Vergil at his shoulder.

               “You should eat something,” Vergil quietly said.

               “’m not hungry,” Aether murmured in sleepy protest.

               “I know, but you still should,” he reasoned, “even if it’s just a little.”

               He didn’t want to eat, but a little was not unreasonable and it was Vergil who was asking.

               Lethargically, Aether sat up and rubbed his puffy eyes, suddenly and desperately craving his salt rock that was clear on the other side of the room, hiding somewhere on the mess that was his desk that needed to be organized, badly.

               The servant who normally woke him wasn’t allowed to touch anything on the desk.

               But for the first time since the intervention, Aether’s morning was quiet as Vergil gently encouraged the Inquisitor to drink some water and nibble on some fruit, allowing his mind to slowly wake up by itself while the body ran on autopilot. It felt both peaceful and awkward, just the two of them eating in his bed, reminding him of the odd times off and on before the fight where the same would happen, although back then it had been without Vergil’s urging and without Aether’s silence.

               Eventually though, their day sluggishly came to a start and fond old habits began to settle again as Aether mildly demanded for the bandages and salve for Vergil’s scarred arm.

               “I can use my teeth like always, but if you insist.”

               “I do insist,” Aether stated with a proud huff before his voice took on a scolding tone as he added, “and I will be taking a look at your leg too.”

               And Vergil let him.

               Aether observed closely as he carefully tended to the scar, watched the way the muscles beneath would tense and listened for every occasional hiss. It still amazed Aether how sensitive the area was no matter how careful he was. But eventually the old wound was wrapped and the healer moved on to Vergil’s leg, drawing it across his lap so he could lend it proper attention.

               “How did this happen?” the healer asked as he began, his hands warm with magic as they carefully massaged balm into Vergil’s sensitive and swollen ankle, his ears pricking slightly from a muffled sound that Vergil made. “Does that hurt?”

               “It doesn’t hurt,” Vergil started, adding “much,” like an afterthought. “I don’t think I was ready for your magic. Forgot how it feels.”

               A fond smile softly betrayed his own lips, warmth seeping into his chest as well as a small spark of sadness.

               He didn’t want Vergil to ever forget.

               Swallowing the nerves that had started to stick in his throat, Aether continued, ignoring his own thoughts in favor of healing, listening for any sounds of discomfort in response to his actions. Even when he had finished with the ankle and moved on to the strained muscle in Vergil’s thigh, his hands warm and soothing and careful and comforting as they carefully worked away all pain and discomfort until the irritation in the matter was gone.

               It felt like an accomplishment, however small.

               That sort of feeling was far and few between.

               But just like Ameridan told him, Aether took the moments of happiness where he found them.

               Because the world would without a doubt take the rest.

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               The nobles left a day early, not because of the Inquisition, but rather because of Vergil, and Aether didn’t know what to do with his emotions on the matter.

               On one hand, he felt glad that they were leaving, and apparently had only good things to say about the Inquisition, but on the other hand, he felt bad because they were leaving out of anger directed towards Vergil, who could not be entirely blamed for his automatic response to their yappy little shit of a dog slamming into his ankles, after all, when one had spent as long as Vergil had regularly getting attacked by darkspawn that would spring up from underfoot, it was somewhat expected for a defensive attack to be used.

               Unfortunately that meant that the nobles would likely spread awful gossip about Vergil and potentially the Grey Wardens as a whole.

               The entire matter gave Aether a headache as he reluctantly sat down to the scheduled evening meal.

               And when the plate was put down in front of him, the Inquisitor felt surprise spark in his stomach and Vergil spoke up.

               “I made a suggestion to the cook about portions,” he explained, noting that his portion at lunch seemed to be too much for him, and quietly, Aether stared at the portion.

               It was smaller.

               It felt a little easier to manage.

               And Aether smiled a little for the ease.

               “Food has been difficult for me the last few months,” Aether admitted to Vergil as he quietly began to eat. “My appetite just isn’t really there anymore.”

               “You need fuel for this wonderful mind of yours,” Vergil said, his voice with humor, “So we’ll get to it. Even cheat the brain out of its stubbornness.”

               And the healer smiled.

               “How would you suggest to trick it?”

               And Vergil did have suggestions, of smaller portions and light snacks in between meals and plenty of water. Vergil even suggested the idea of using a potion to promote appetite, one that he himself used to help prevent when the Taint might take him by surprise and make him feel like he was starving to the point of gorging himself until sick, which did no one any good.

               They were all good ideas, and Aether approved of them all as a healer, even if he himself was the patient.

               It was better than forcing him to eat so much food all in one sitting and make him feel sick and spiteful until the next meal.

               Vergil’s council on the matter was appreciated.

               And, quietly, the Inquisitor could feel things start to change, if only for the better.

               For him to get better.

[letterfromtrenwith]

Noble Blood - Ch. 3

George/Elizabeth Vampire AU

Elizabeth considers her place in the world and witnesses a potentially tragic encounter...

~

Elizabeth sat up in her bed and watched dust motes dance in the sliver of bright winter sunlight which pierced through the tiny gap between the drapes, cutting across the room like a golden blade. It was clearly late in the day, judging by the sun’s intensity. That was a shame; if she had awoken earlier she could have ventured out. When the sun was low and milky, before the morning mists had cleared, she could tolerate it, especially with the help of a hat or parasol. Those of her age were not quite so vulnerable. The midday sun in a clear sky was still too much, however.

She clambered out of bed, her slight shiver habitual rather than reactive. It was cold, cold enough even for her to notice. Slowly, she crossed the room, bare feet sinking into the thick rug, until she approached the shaft of sunlight. She had not seen it so bright in quite a while. It was peculiarly mesmerising. She had a memory – not quite even that, a shadow of a memory – of warm, bold sunlight on her face. When or where it had been, she could not exactly recall. So much of everything before…before, was not quite clear, and it was becoming more nebulous every day. Except…

Almost unconsciously, Elizabeth lifted her hand, bringing her fingertips to the light. For a moment, she felt the real heat of it, before she had to snatch her hand away. The pain was perhaps imaginary, but she did not wish to take the risk. She had seen too much. 

“Oh, mistress! I am so sorry!” In her fascination, she had not heard Emma enter. The girl hurried, looking stricken, to pull the drapes tight, cutting off the light altogether. “Forgive me, I did not realise – “

“Do not distress yourself, Emma. There is no harm done.” The loss of the light had broken whatever strange mood had come over her. “How long have I slept?”

“Only a few hours, ma’am. It is just after one o’clock. Do you wish to dress?” 

“I may as well. It will be dark again quite soon. Dark enough, at least.”

“Will you be going out tonight?”

“Yes – yes, I think I will.” She had not taken an evening walk for a few days. The moon was waning, but she did not truly need its illumination. Some drew great strength from the silvery moonlight, but to Elizabeth it was merely enjoyable. There were learned men who said that the light of the moon was the light of the sun reflected. It was a pleasant thought, if true – that she could feel some brighter sunlight still. 

After a brief toilette, Emma helped her into a simple dress, suitable for walking or relaxing at home. Downstairs, she played her harp for a while. The instrument had changed so much over the years, since she had begun to play in her youth. She could still take pleasure in this, at least. Music had been a love of hers forever, something which had held over from the time before. 

“Are you hungry, mistress?” Emma entered with a gentle knock at the parlour door. Once upon a time the house had been full of servants, but as time passed Elizabeth had found that she needed fewer and fewer to meet her meagre wants. She had no personal maids but Emma; there was a cook, although she provided primarily for the other staff, a few groundsmen, the coach-driver and two stable boys. Emma was ladies’ maid, housekeeper and many things in-between. Elizabeth valued her most highly. 

“Not at this moment, Emma.” She found that her appetite had very gradually abated as she aged. 

“Very well, ma’am.” She was about to depart when Elizabeth called her back. 

“Emma…”

“Yes, mistress?”

“Do you – That is, does it…bother you? To serve me? As – as I am?” Not all of the staff knew the truth, but those who lived in the house had to. It was impossible to keep such a thing secret from people who served her so intimately- most of them had served her for years, and their families before them. She did not know quite why she had asked Emma this question – she had never asked it of a servant before. Not that she could recall, at any rate. 

“You are as God made you, ma’am. As am I. It be not my place to judge.” With a quick bob, and a gentle smile, Emma left. 

God did not make me, my dear girl, was the reply Elizabeth never got to make.  

Some light clouds gathered as dusk began to fall, only a few hours after Elizabeth had risen. What a lethargic existence she had! Although was it her condition or her position which dictated it? Noble ladies were not expected to occupy themselves with much of significance, and that notion was not altered even amongst the different members of Cornish society. Nor any other such society Elizabeth had encountered over the years. Indeed, such people tended to be even more indolent than one might expect. It was intolerably dull, and rather contributed to the increasing ennui she had been feeling as time wore on. 

It had apparently been a touch milder today – there was no hint of frost, the ground soft beneath her feet. She picked some holly from a hedgerow, toying with it as she walked. An old wise-woman had told her once that holly offered protection from evil spirits. What evil she needed protection from now she could not really imagine, but the plant had always given her an odd sense of comfort nevertheless. 

She followed the bridle path until it came to the edge of the woods – the bare branches of the trees reached up into the night with long spidery fingers, their silhouettes almost black against the starlight glimmering through the wisps of cloud. Somewhere nearby an owl hooted, and she heard the flutter of its wings as it swooped overhead.

Her keen senses allowed her to fully appreciate the sounds and sensations of the night – the quiet rustle of birds in their nests and nocturnal creatures stirring in their burrows; woodsmoke drifted through the air, and she could even detect the salt of the sea underneath it. 

All the time, however, she was waiting to hear the trot of hooves or the snort of a larger animal – any sign that the person she sought may be approaching. Elizabeth could no longer pretend that she did not wander this same path so often in the hope that she would see George again. Here, outside the confines of society functions, and away from prying eyes, they could speak freely. 

So much had changed over the years, but that had not – the constant, rigid expectations of ‘propriety’, robbing them all of true freedom, even in her particular world. The exact rules had not always been the same, but their effect had. In her experience, at least. How stifled she had felt for so long. 

Suddenly, she was pulled from her reverie by the very sounds she had been seeking – a rider was nearby. There were few who had cause to come this way, especially at night, so there was a good chance it was George. Her anticipation was quickly halted when she picked up other sounds – the footsteps of men, three or four at least. They whispered amongst themselves, too, although even she could not make out all they said. She heard enough, however – “take him”, “snatch”, “cut him”. 

Footpads. They were not common in these parts – local wisdom was that it was best not to linger too long outside at night. Such ideas were born mostly out of suspicion and old wives’ tales, but it did not mean there was no truth to them at all. More than one cut-throat crook had met a sorry end attempting to practice his trade in the district. That is, if they did not disappear altogether.

Elizabeth immediately began to head in the direction of the voices. Even if the rider was not George, she wished to help them. Her heart fluttered –or at least, she imagined that it did – at the thought that it might be him, however. How terrible it would be if something were to happen to him, before she could tell him – 

“Who is there?” It was George. She knew his voice instantly, and picked up her pace. One of the gang said something to him, but she was not really listening now, running in their direction, frantic with her desire to get to him. Even if George carried a pistol, as many gentlemen did, that likely had only one shot. It was insufficient defence against a bloodthirsty gang. 

The moment she had that thought, the unmistakable crack of a gunshot, and the loud whinny of a horse, then shouting and thudding. She came upon a clearing in the woods, and saw almost exactly what she had feared – the scene stark in the moonlight like some dreadful grotesque upon a stage. A dead man lay on the ground – not George, but he was surrounded by the other crooks, who seemed to have pulled him from his horse. She saw him strike out at one, landing a hard blow, before another seized him. George put up an admirable fight, but her eyes caught the silver glint of a blade. 

Elizabeth did something she had not done in a long time, her rage and fear for George’s life overtaking her. She flew at the men, feeling strength coursing through her, registering the split-second of fear on their faces as her widening, splintering shadow fell over them. It all happened very quickly after that, two of them fleeing in terror, haring off into the night. When she came to a standstill, back to herself, the third was on the ground, clutching at his face and neck, whimpering and cursing. But it was not he she was concerned with. George also lay at her feet, except he was not moving. 

She was too late. 

~

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