#and had to deal with like six hours of WELL ACTUALLY from ppl who probably were not yet born when i was already writing RE smut

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[tslasvegas]

Episode 13: “What a depressing trip to Las Vegas” - Jaiden

I just have one thing to say.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! It worked! I didn't expect Joey to vote with us. I feel bad about that, but hey, we couldn't see him being sincere. If he told us who the others were voting for, then maybe we would have changed votes. Jaiden was open to it already. Kailyn is probably the one who voted with John for Liv. Maybe she thought he would play and idol or maybe jury management. Anyway, she should have told us. 

Joey got voted out. Which was not supposed to happen this round. Pat and Jeff are just so naive and easily to manipulate. I’m sure they could be convinced to self vote without any real effort. I don’t even want to bother working with them moving forward because of it. But I might have to. I can’t let grudges get in the way of getting to the end game. Honestly at this point I’d be happy going to F3 with Liv and Kailyn. Xavier is too nice. Jaiden is too... out there? Love him, but I don’t want to sit next to him at the end. And Pat and Jeff i just don’t think they deserve to make it that far

I still can’t believe tribal tonight was real. It’s been like six hours and I’m still in shock that Joey finally went home. Like... what??? I’ve been dealing with that dude for three weeks and I’ve held his little secret in until it finally came of use to me, and... now I’m in the final seven. The game has NOT been won yet and while I feel like cheering and celebrating, I need to maintain my focus and center myself as the game is nowhere close to being over yet. We’ve still got at least four tribals to go, but after tonight I might be able to say that I’m exactly halfway through the merge (assuming it’s a final three... dear god please be a final three). Top eight was a really hard mountain to climb and once I lost immunity I felt a little out of touch with what was gonna happen next. I really felt like my time was going to come, and I’m so thankful that it wasn’t. Tbh Kailyn might’ve gone home today had Jeff not told me about a Palazzo chat still being alive and well. I don’t know how I’m gonna turn this bad situation around again but I need to convince Keegan and Livingston to work with me, Kailyn, and Xavier. It is critical now that Jeff or Pat go home because one of them is going to win. Before Joey left, he told me that there is a rumor that Jeff or Pat have an idol nullifier. While a nullifier won’t affect me right now, it’s not something that I want to see in the game going forward period and I want to use that little piece of information to my benefit and finally get rid of Pat. I’ve been saying for SO LONG that we need to get rid of Pat and now the time is ticking down. He has to go as soon as possible, fuck whatever Jeff says. Tbh I want to fly into the final six with no votes cast against me, still. I wonder if I can get Jeff and Pat to target like Keegan or Livingston and I really just need Xavier or Kaitlyn to bring up Pat’s name first before Jeff.. I doubt they have the smarts to recognize the danger that they pose, but we will see... Keegan is DEFINITELY pissed off at me now too. I made the mistake of telling him that I was “a little annoyed” about how tribal went, which was such a dumb thing to say bc tribal went exactly how I wanted it to. I’m playing off the fact that Kailyn must’ve known abt Joey voting for Livingston because her name was on the chopping block too so that’s why it went 4-2-2 rather than 5-2-1 like it was supposed to. I don’t want anybody to know that I was playing for Joey’s advantage which I’m sure people think I have right now lmfao... Anyways really I need to just make Keegan NOT hate me because he’s still part of my plan long term (I think)... he’s really smart tho and I’m not counting him out to win the whole thing but he hasn’t really done much of anything whereas people like Jeff and Pat and Xavier have kinda done a lot... If Keegan isn’t prepared to be fully loyal to me til the end then there’s nothing I can say to him except adios. All I really need right now is an immunity run til the end. I hope that the next challenge is something that doesn’t require a lot of skill because I am INCREDIBLY anxious just thinking about a competition, live. I need final seven immunity because then I’m guaranteed top five... the furthest I’ve ever been in Tumblr Survivor by a mile. I’ll break so many of my own personal records with that one single immunity win. In fact, if I make it to final five, that will be the best I’ve literally ever done in a Skype survivor org. I haven’t done that good since April and it’s just really affirming to me that this was the right decision for me to come back to Tumblr. Aside from winning challenges and making more moves, I also have gotta start fixing my bad relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, Keegan seems REALLY pissed off at me for how things went down with him being left out of the vote again. I can only apologize so many times before I am simply unforgivable. Maybe say sorry less and work to do better??? Idfk. But if Jeff or Pat can just say Keegan’s name, I’ll do what I can to prove to him that I’m loyal to HIM and not them. I hope that the Palazzos are falling to pieces now and realize that the only way to the end is to stick by us and nobody else. Jeff was also pretty mad at me for pushing his buttons a lot today. But honestly he was feeding me utter bullshit. I don’t buy that he was my savior and guardian Angel today, protecting me from having my name come up. I should honestly tell Livingston that Jeff sold him out to me not too long after Livingston said my name in their little chat. That would be hilarious. Kailyn and I are pretty close, but it could be better. I think I tend to revert all game-conversations with Xavier, so I don’t consider Kailyn my main ally unfortunately. If I want to go to the final three with her and Xavier, I need to really work on building that GAME relationship up because as a person I think we vibe well but it’s gonna come down to a couple factors and if she *has* to be sacrificed for me to get further, I can’t do anything but let it happen unfortunately.. As I just said, Xavier is kind of my main strategic ally right now which is super weird to say. He has definitely stepped it up A LOT in the strategic department and I have a lot of respect for him just as a person and I want to try and pick his brain a little bit more. The only thing with Xavier is that he seems to be playing really “safe” right now - I think had the opportunity presented itself to vote for Jeff with Joey, Xavier wouldn’t have gone for it and would’ve wanted to stick strong with voting Livingston instead. Which I totally get, but this game right now kinda requires we make bolder decisions than just what kinda didn’t work last time, you know? Okay now for Pat - god our relationship is just so weird. I have virtually not ties to Pat except the one alliance with Jeff and I feel like Jeff wants to control Pat rather than let Pat be his own player. It’s weird. I wonder if Pat would be down to vote out Jeff but fuck it’s gonna be hard to pull that off. I don’t want to hold off on Pat BECAUSE if I can’t get him out next, I will need him at final six and hopefully final five to serve as a sacrificial lamb or something. I’m wondering now if maybe Livingston needs to go because people are gonna always view Pat as a huge threat to win, even though he might not necessarily do so if he gets there. Livingston... yeah I really don’t like Livingston lmfao. I think it’s because of his super close connection to Rachael but it might also be because he is like, cool and nerdy and a bit of a try hard “around camp” so to speak. What REALLY gets on my nerves about Livingston is that he possesses zero of the charisma to convince me that he sucks at this game but enough social finesse to make me think that he’s actually gonna win if he gets to the end. He’s like, that cool dork everybody was friends with in high school. Even though parts of his game have been lackluster as fuck, he’s still a massive threat to win and I might just need to kick him off to the jury as soon as possible. :) And finally... me! I’m gonna try hard to be unbiased and self-aware but it’s so difficult to do that bc I genuinely don’t know how ppl are perceiving me this time.. I THINK it’s mostly positive but tonight was definitely one of my most negative episodes bc of how stressful I was being before tribal. Just ask Jeff. I think I’m definitely succeeding in getting votes to go my way and I have had a LOT of things go right for me since the merge. From Stephanie leaving right when I needed her to, to the double removal, to the super idol coming out and getting rid of Joey... It’s been so good so far. BUT I’m not being subtle about it. Subtlety is not a strength of mine that’s for sure.. I think I succeeded in being “subtle” about the Steph thing bc I was not making it overly obvious I wanted her out but otherwise I’ve been very clearly controlling other decisions and how certain votes went. Leaving two people I don’t trust in the game (Pat/Jeff) is tough but at least I worked with them on something, right? Joey was telling me so much that he was gonna lose to me and I think he was right. Now Jeff is saying that he’s probably going to lose if we’re in the end, but he doesn’t want to vote me out. Do I trust that? Not really... But fuck, I don’t even know anymore!!! I think if the game was over right now, I’m going to be grilled to DEATH for being fake as hell to Joey. I think that’s gonna come back to bite me so I need to start talking POSITIVELY about Joey to EVERYBODY. Read him for game, not for personal reasons. And maybe I’ll even talk his game up going forward just so that the person who goes into jury at least relays that I made a “good move” voting for Joey to leave (even tho I didn’t vote for Joey hehe). I wonder if people think I’m just playing tjem as pawns and not as real people.. bc these are definitely real people we are playing with here and I recognize that, but honestly in my mind nobody here wants this as badly as me. If that makes me the villain, I’m fine being the villain. But I’m not a human being that will ever play this game with a passion to play humanely. I want to win so badly. I’m going crazy in my own head, the wheels turning in hyperspeed. I’ve never been hungrier for something like I am for this win... I can hold out another year in this environment if I have to. I can and I will 🤠

Darn third world slow internet connection! Anyway, it made others look like challenge threats more than me, so hopefully that gets me through more rounds if they think other people can win more :) 

That was a very stressful and very tense immunity challenge. Jeff was the clear front runner for the first five rounds, being the first person to advance in all of them. He’s a quick typer which made me very worried I wouldn’t be able to pull off a win. However, the last round was “Name That Song” and with the help of Siri, I snagged the immunity necklace! Final 6 here I come! This round presents me with an interesting dilemma. Since I have immunity I can be a little more ballsy. So I could throw Jeff or Pat under the bus, try to sway Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier to vote one of them out. Or I can stick with the OG Palazzo group that is saying (for the fifth time I might add) that they want to stick together. That hasn’t worked out at all yet this merge and we’ve voted 4 people out. Pat and Jeff seem pretty interested in targeting Xavier for being a social threat which I don’t disagree with. But Jaiden is a very strong player. This is one of those rounds where I’m insanely grateful to have immunity because there’s also a bunch of advantages out there. I know Livingston has a regular idol now. But there’s vote steals and extra votes and idol nullifiers out there somewhere and that’s so nerve-wracking. Also, Jaiden mentioned to me that this is the last round for a lot of those advantages and I just don’t think I buy that. Final 7 is a weird place for that. Regardless, I’m fully expecting this to be a wild and crazy tribal tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what happens because I get to sit there looking pretty with my new bling. Xoxo Gossip Girl

I am terrified of tribal today and I have a bunch of different ideas in my head but I just want to survive. Kind of where I am at is I feel like I am getting 7th no matter what because I have never tasted top 6 in an ORG. I could play an idol here at 7, waste it, and then just get fucked at 6. One thing I thought about was "finding" the idol part of the way through tomorrow and then letting OG Palazzo know to build trust. The only issue with this is that the idol nullifier is in play. It could still be on the board. It was on the board when I got my auction advantage. But if it isn't, and Pat and Jeff turn on me, I could be fucked idol or no idol if the nullifier is played. I suppose that Pat and Jeff have both never voted me as far as I can tell, unless I have miscalculated one of the vote counts for the past 2 tribals. Maybe it'd be safer to hold onto the idol quietly and just hope I don't leave with it in my pocket. This is so stressful because if I leave with it in my pocket, I look like an idiot that had the luck to get two advantages but couldn't traverse the game much past that. 

Okay so, Jeff is my closest ally at this point. Voting out Joey was our move and I am very happy we did. I don’t express the anger that I’m feeling and I think that helps keep my relationships good with people. I think I’m good with Livingston and Keegan and also Jaiden and Kailyn. I was Xavier out this round but I feel like something is going to happen. No one knows I have an idol which is amazing and I hope I don’t have to use it til final 5 and I have immunity and can play it on someone else for the fun of it. I can’t believe I made final 7 and am actually kicking up playing the game by voting correctly on Joey. I think so far I have 2 of the 4 votes at final tribal council, Andrew and Steph. I think I have a road there, I just hope I make the right decision because I’m still in I a weird phase of the game and anything can happen. 

This tribal feels very weird. Jaiden is insisting he hasn’t heard anything at all about the vote. Which I find very strange considering he’s basically been running things most of this merge. Why would suddenly no one tell him anything? Especially Kailyn and Xavier. Seems like those three are fairly open with each other. I could not be more happy to have immunity this round. No matter what happens, I am safe and have not a thing to worry about. I really really hope that Pat and Jeff are being honest and actually voting for Xavier like they say they are. If they’re flipping and voting for Livingston.... I don’t even want to imagine that. But I’m getting some sketchy vibes. Fingers crossed it’s just me being paranoid, though any time I say that something unexpected happens.

Ok I'm calling it, I'm going home tonight ! Literally nobody is telling me anything and it's really quite pathetic to see Keegan, who says we're super cool and good friends and will be friends once this is all over, win immunity and then not make a single attempt to pick me up and flip me to his side. Unless he's so confident that the Palazzo four will stick loyal to the very end... which they probably will, but Jeff is gonna beat all of them in the end and I think they see me as a big threat or something LOL I guess it's good gameplay for them but I hate it either way. I don't really have a lot to say bc now I just feel dumb. I wish I had an idol, but of course, I do not. Anyways, I'm going to have to stick with the fact that people are voting for Xavier tonight and hope my name doesn't come up at all. I'm going to lie and tell Xavier that I'm certain its me or Kailyn tonight and hope he holds an idol if he has it... or plays it on me heh. We'll see though... What a depressing trip to Las Vegas if it ends like this. 

The last Confessional :( 

[mvlcnes]

hey what’s good hunnies, i’m rollin up late but uh !!  my name’s maia, 25 y/o living it up it up in the ast part of the world and uh listen i don’t have discord bc i’m a literal grandma when it comes to keeping up with all the new means of being social lmao so if you would like to chat and/or plot?? just shoot me an im on here — i’m usually always mobile & i obviously love to talk a lot !  and i’m a heaux for dramatic / angst-fuelled plots .. just a little fyi … i’m excited !! so anyway !!!  onto the Idiot of the Hour you’re actually here to read about; my darling malone. i have a pinterest board for him  HERE  , a playlist for him  HERE  , his stats page set up  HERE  , and a connections page  HERE  which as you can see is bare as all hell so let’s plot !

i think i just saw  MALONE SINCLAIR  looking down at their phone in the middle of lecture hall . i wonder if they think that will help them get through their  BIOLOGY  major . i’m sure professor baker doesn’t mind , though , especially since  MAL  can be so  + BODACIOUS . then again ,  HE  can be a little  - EVASIVE , so maybe prof b will mind after all . what do you think is catching their attention all of a sudden ? surely it can’t be more pictures of  LUXURY CARS . hey , you know , sometimes they really remind me of  BOYISH CHARM AMPLIFIED BY A ROGUISH GRIN, SPARSELY SCARRED FINGERS CLAD IN GOLD RINGS, THE LINGERING SCENT OF CLIVE CHRISTIAN NO. 1 , but maybe that’s just me . oh well . i hope their  FOURTH  year is treating them well !

INSPIRATIONS

chad radwell ( scream queens ) 

chuck bass ( gossip girl )

reggie mantle ( riverdale / comics )

sebastian valmont ( cruel intentions )

BACKSTORY

okay so homeboy here has had it pretty easy his entire life. his dad works relentlessly as chief of neurosurgery in lower manhattan and his step-mom had worked as a prestigious legal practitioner; one of the most sought out lawyers in the state, and later, a socialite. like the infamous philosopher dr justin roberts once said: “six figures, i was only four”, malone was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. while most would assume he’s a straight up trust fund punk, though, he inherited his father’s impeccable work ethic to a fault.

as an only child and therefore sole heir to the sinclair estate, his parents have been on mal’s ass his entire life to give his absolute best in everything he does. health, school, sports, friendships, relationships, the whole shebang. his marks were always near the top of his class, he excelled at his two favourite sports; hockey during the winter, baseball during the summer. but it wasn’t until he hit his mid adolescent years, started developing an interest in girls ( whom he once thought were riddled with cooties ), that his focus faltered a wee bit and good lil o’malley boy started being a teenager.

embracing his lavish lifestyle and all the popularity / opportunities it handed him on a silver platter basically, mal was ho-ing himself around, partying it up with the elite crowd, earning himself a pretty risque rep among his peers. it wasn’t until he met his first actual serious girlfriend that he did his best to tone it tf down. and it worked, for awhile. but !! of course he fucked it all up and even though what’s done is done, he has big regrets. BIG regrets. mainly bc girl went absolutely wild and took a baseball bat to his ferrari yikes.

after graduating high school with exemplary marks, instead of taking the opportunity to potentially thrive in the big leagues of the sports world, malone opted to stick to his roots, following in his dad’s footsteps. he got accepted into powell as a pre-med student, studying all the biological sciences, and is finally finishing off his last year as a bonafide senior. his next big plan is to attend harvard to earn his medical degree and get the ball rollin.

FUN FACTS

pitcher for the university’s baseball team, his absolute favourite hobby

future doc in the works, he’s proudly maintaining a 4.0 gpa

distinguishing labels: the casanova, the playboy, the philanthropist

money is no object to him. will relentlessly spoil his current conquests

the second a girl tries to get serious, he ghosts & moves onto the next

fancy social events are his element but he also loves letting loose 

big partier. has gotten mixed up in cocaine & hard liquor many times

his family own several luxury cars, a yacht, have their own private jet

contributes to charitable causes 24/7 but he’s a lowkey narcissist oops 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

1) ok so uh he obviously needs his boy(s), 1 or 2 who he’s pretty close with. they travelled together, were each others’ wingmen at one time or another, always have each others’ backs through thick & thin. 

2) he need him some fwb / hook up type deals, whether they be a regular occurrence or a one time thing. if you’re bored with your man or need help getting back at an ex? that’s his specialty hit him up. 

3) while on that note, maybe a fella who’s shown interest in him & mal’s hit on them while drunk?? nothing too serious, just a lil harmless curiosity. maybe they kissed / made out on a dare or some shit at a wild frat party.

4) ex gfs!! i don’t see him having like… a fuckton of exes bc he tries to stay away from relationships but probably anywhere between 1-3?? whether they be on good terms, bad terms, lingering feelings, etc. i’m cool with whatever. 

5) maybe somebody he tutored?? bc while he gives off mad Big Dick energy and tends to think with that head lmao, mal is actually very intelligent. 

6) how about some enemies tho. like… idk man i’m SURE there are ppl he rubs the wrong way bc he’s kind of narcissistic lmao. or maybe they think he’s fake. or maybe there’s some sports rivalry or classic case of polar opposites or he broke ur bff’s heart?? the possibilities are endless.

[backseatsiren]

Some Serious Reflection Indeed

I’ve been doing far too much lately. Working fulltime at VICE. Teaching two courses at Berklee. Training and competing in grappling. Tons of cardio and lifting to support that. And hey, a busy social life (a ton has changed, Patricia and I broke up in June). Oh, hey, and volunteering a minimum shift every other week on the ambulance. Something has to give.

I was worried, for awhile, that it will be my 911 service. I need to re-certify soon, and hey, things can be weird at a volunteer org. People have their misunderstandings, etc. And I was worried about feeling kind of useless. I was struggling with that when I wrote a bunch of this from the back of the ambulance between calls last month:

--

“I’m writing the first part of this on my ambulance, between calls. I’ve been feeling good about my progress, in becoming a bit more confident and also better at knowing where I’m NOT confident. And I’ve been more confident in my cross EMT and MMA/positional/awareness, on a recent call a patient got violent and I was able to immediately help immobilize him and alleviate the threat, without fear or hesitation. And obviously without the violent person being hurt - he immediately fell back asleep after being about to punch another (peaceful) patient’s lights out. I was doing a little soul searching, so, forgive me for being pretty sentimental here. I do wrestle, sometimes, with feeling complicated about what we do here. Buffing 911 calls, basically acting as support for the FDNY crews that are paid (poorly!!!) And private hospital crews who do this professionally in the area. Sometimes I feel a little useless. I’m here to help! But sometimes, I wonder what value that help is. Fundamentally, I believe in volunteer work, I believe, as a guiding principle, in good, evidence-based medical care, in serving in my community. We don’t bill ppl who dont have insurance. And we never send collections to ppl who can’t pay. This is a free service for folks who can’t afford it otherwise. And I believe in that. I think I’d love to volunteer at a homeless services org, or some other free services organization. I believe in service... I’m writing this sitting in the back of the bus, and I’m cranky about how political and weird it can be at a volunteer org sometimes (of course, I know, I know). And I do feel very weary about the American medical system and how it’s structured. How so many ppl get shafted. An earlier draft here had me hand wringing a bit more on this. I can only affect things at all on this level by doing what I do, by volunteering and putting myself out there and doing anything I can. It’s not Pollyanna bullshit. It has to do with something Austin mentioned on a podcast recently, the idea of things being fundamentally broken and wrong, but finding meaning in resisting or acting despite the efficacy of those actions. It may not do a goddamned thing. But I do honestly hope that I can do some minuscule bit of good or help someone meaningfully at least *some* of the time out here. And I have felt great at times, fundamental to an effort to help a person in need. I know I need to hold on to that, and understand that it ain’t all glory lol. I actually love “boring” calls that aren’t a massive emergency, but if I got a sense that I helped to reassure or calm someone, or provide some kind of actual assistance. And I need to hold on to that as well. I just went on a call, and feeling a bit better. A young man, feeling very sick. A big guy, but I felt ok lifting. And he thanked us. I felt for him, he was sick and extremely anxious. It felt good to be a presence and at least hopefully a calming and competent one in getting him some care.

-- 

The next shift, I had one call, but it was over two hours. Extreme psych episode, police were involved because this person was making threats. She was disturbed and traumatized, and being taken in an ambulance was specifically traumatizing for her, because she had been restrained before, being literally dragged out of her house kicking and screaming.

I was the crew chief, and I talked to her calmly. Listened patiently. She was screaming and crying at first, and did many times throughout the call, but I told her I believed her when she said she was traumatized by her experiences with hospital staff and other EMTs and cops. There were cops present, but the main cop here was (he was a POC, it should be noted, I’ve tended to have much, MUCH better experiences w. cops of color) gentle and patient with her. It actually felt like teamwork, the de-escalation process. 

Legally, she needed to go for a psych evaluation, because she posed a danger to the people she was making threats against. But it is always, obviously much better if you can get a person to come happily of their own free will, to understand that I actually really do care and want to help, and get them the best care. She came down willingly, we evaluated her again on the bus, and I talked with her calmly for another half an hour, letting her know that I care about her well-being, but I’m not a psychiatrist, and that they could offer her better help. She chilled out and came with.

There was a friend with her as well, and he was an absolute doll. Thanking us, helping us talk to her calmly. He was impressed that we were volunteers, and with no insurance info, we weren’t going to charge.

And that call cemented in me the ways I can be helpful. A burned out (by no fault of their own, again, EMTS are underpaid and overworked) EMT may not have had the patience I did on that call. To put the time in to build a rapport with a person who was legitimately traumatized by her previous dealings with emergency services, to talk calmly and affirm her feelings. I’m here because I want to be, because I like doing this. I’m not working 24 hour shifts on the bus, I’m on for six every other week. I come in fresh and happy and excited. I can offer that.

I can offer a lot of patience precisely *because* I’m a volunteer here. And no, I’m probably not half the EMT as someone who does this 60 hours a week. It’s taken me a lot longer to be as competent in the field, and there are still some major areas of improvement for me. I try to work on those every time. In every call. 

But it certainly made me feel better, to be able to offer something of real value to a patient, and yes, to an imperfect, shitty system. So much of my life, I just want to be EFFECTIVE, and helpful, and valuable to whatever it is I’m doing. That day, it became clear to me how that can be possible, and it made me happy.

[janiedean]

Idk if anyone already asked this but: what about ASOIAF/GOT characters and opera? Who are the experts, the casual fans, and the one who don't care but get dragged along anyway? Does anyone relate to a particular character? *cough* Is Tyrion the biggest Rigoletto fan? *cough* And/or, does any OTP relate to a particular opera pairing? :)

OKAY SORRY IT TOOK ME AGES BUT HERE I AM

(spoilers: you can find 80% of the following or will find it in my amazing opera singers au series)

lannisters & partners

tyrion is 100% an opera nerd and he identifies with rigoletto in frankly worrying ways - he’s like me with la traviata and cries at rigoletto’s first aria every single time and then at the ending PERIOD I DO NOT MAKE THE RULES but he also likes unconventional stuff ie russians/20th century germans (TYRION LOVES ALBAN BERG YOU CAN PRY THAT FROM MY DEAD HANDS)

bronn is the friends he drags with but the only character in any opera that he likes is sparafucile

cersei only listens to wagner because everything else is for the plebs and ofc her favorite is the valkyrie YES YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH THE TWINCEST she’s the biggest sieglinde stan

jaime likes it tho not as much as tyrion but he hates both dramas and wagner and tends to like comedies/stuff that ends well better and he and brienne meet bc tyrion set them up and sent them to see fidelio with his tickets and YOU KNOW THAT JAIME AND BRIENNE ARE 100% LEONORE AND FLORESTAN YOU DON’T CHANGE MY MIND ON THAT EVER IT’S THE MOST JB OPERA THAT EVER JB-ED

brienne also likes more the happy stuff than the sad stuff but yeah fidelio is Their Thing okay

tywin went because joanna liked it and then he stopped 

starks & partners

ned & cat are that couple of nerds who goes to the opera for their anniversary and likes just about most stuff except a few single things they find boring but not as much to argue about it. for themselves, cat tends to like those donizetti operas with sopranos who at some point 100% lose it, ned is more into verdi and probably would agree with tyrion on rigoletto because y’know, FATHERS RELATE

but they also wanted their kids to get into it so their family tradition is that all go to see the magic flute together bc it’s kid-friendly and it worked bc all the stark kids love it ;)

robb’s totally into the comedies and hates the dramas and not counting the magic flute which ofc he loves because IT WAS HIS FIRST his fave is 100% rossini’s cenerentola FOR REASONS

addendum to say that theon is the friend he dragged with and thought would be boring but instead loves it and ends up converting and theon’s favorite - bc he’s a nerd - is most likely le comte ory ie THE ROSSINI CRACK OPERA WITH THE THREESOME WHERE THE TENOR IS CROSSDRESSING AS A NUN AND THE MEZZOSOPRANO PLAYS THE GUY AND THE BASS SINGS AN ARIA ABOUT STEALING ALCOHOL

but their ship they see themselves into are carlo and rodrigo from don carlo because lmao IT’S THEM

(robb prob. also have a soft spot for la clemenza di tito bc he and tito are the same person but nvm)

jon’s like 100% into dramas ALL THE DRAMA ALL THE TIME his fave is 100% la forza del destino ie the most terribly dramatic telenovela in history of dramatic opera

(he introduced it to ygritte who ofc is instead into all the rossini comedies with the a++++++ main lead ie italiana in algeri, barbiere di siviglia and so on which is a cause of endless amusement on her side because then they have to compromise)

(sam doesn’t need to be introduced because he’s 100% a nerd who cried over la traviata too but he likes all kind of stuff and who’ll go to both sand and fun operas and HE ALSO LIKES CENERENTOLA BEST THO)

sansa ofc is into THE ROMANCE so her fave is totally la traviata but she and robb totally agreed on cenerentola as well basically she robb and sam are the cenerentola stans cinnamon roll brigade

arya isn’t that much into it but she’ll go to most fun stuff and admittedly she has a soft spot for la fille du regiment because she totally identifies with maria (and tonio’s... well tonio is gendry let’s be real lmao)

(gendry is the friend she brought with once bc she likes that one and he immediately noticed)

bran goes with the others and he’s fine with it but he’s more into symphonic and not opera but he does like the family magic flute xD

rickon at some point got dragged to see the firebird when he was like six and everyone thought he’d sleep through it and instead he comes out of it like ‘guys I want to play the drums when I grow up’

baratheons & partners

robert thinks it’s boring af and wouldn’t set foot inside an opera ever, he just went once with ned to see don giovanni as a compromise

renly thinks it’s boring af and never went, then turns out that loras is 100% into it especially ACTUAL older stuff ie gluck and he totally dragged renly to see iphigenie en tauride BECAUSE ORESTES AND PYLADES ARE THE TWO OF THEM and renly had to relent and actually liked it

stannis is The Opera Nerd. he has a subscription to the local theater, he knows everything there is to know, he has a knowledge of minor baroque authors that would scare music professors, he also always goes alone because robert and renly wouldn’t go with him IF they cared, and his favorite is 100% rossini’s guillaume tell but only in the original french version WITH THE BALLETS or it’s a travesty

and he realizes davos is His Guy For Real when he shows up for their anniversary with tickets and then realizes that maybe someone who never went won’t want to see SIX HOURS OF FRENCH GRAND OPERA but davos just blinks like ‘k sure I’m open to everything’ and actually likes it (spoilers: davos’s fave becomes rossini’s la gazza ladra after he gets into it bECAUSE HE TOTALLY RELATES TO THE GIRL’S FATHER WHO SHOULD GO TO JAIL BUT IS ACTUALLY A GOOD GUY but he also likes le nozze di figaro bc YOU FEEL THE LOVE FOR THE LOWER CLASS)

tyrells

all of them used to go with olenna so all four are into it

loras as stated is into early-mid 18th century stuff ie gluck/handel/the likes (he’s the only one who actually likes julius caesar)

willas totally is into romcoms he cried the first time he went to see l’elisir d’amore and he’s been mercilessly mocked since

garlan is a sane person and likes more or less everything except extradramatic stuff

margaery is into bellini don’t tell me norma isn’t her fave

tullys

lysa never was into it bc cat was and so she always refused to go

brynden totally introduced cat to it but he’s a man of not much taste for EXTRA DRAMA so while he likes his verdi he just wants to relax with his mozart gdi but his fave is something totally overlooked ie PROBABLY IDOMENEO BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT HE’D LIKE IT

edmure totally went with cat & brynden and also was more into comedies turns out that his favorite is eventually falstaff and he’s always grumbling that verdi shouldn’t have made just ONE comedy ffs

targs:

viserys prob is a nerd but just of his favorite stuff and he’s either into countertenor stuff OR obscure shit or french grand opera AT BEST, he’s probably the only person other than loras who likes julius caesar

dany’s into it but very casually, she probably likes il trovatore because fire imagery everywhere tho

rhaegar is 100% into verdi drama like jon took ONE thing from him and that’s it, he probably is the kinda person who likes othello best for the Sheer Drama Factor

greyjoys:

balon and victarion legit hate it

euron is the only person other than cersei who actually willingly would go to see the ring and loves wagner

asha only goes with theon but she doesn’t mind it also bc alannys is 100% crazy into it that said she hates drama

alannys loves it her fave is la traviata I don’t make the rules

martells:

oberyn’s the hugest don giovanni stan in existence I DON’T MAKE THE RULES HE IS HE IDENTIFIES TO A T

elia’s chiller but the martells have the best taste and so they’d all like mozart she’s prob. into le nozze di figaro best because she totally relates to the countess

arianne likes così fan tutte and would punch anyone who says it’s sexist

other ppl:

sandor was dragged by sansa and he had been like WHAT DO I EVEN DO IN A THEATER HELP but then she picked something like gounod’s faust which he would like, turns out that then he ends into the most obscure SAD stuff and likes boito’s mefistofele best lISTEN HE’D BE INTO FAUSTIAN DEALS OPERA

lf is the kind of person who says they love opera but then criticize every single thing in every single staging and keep on saying opera should have died with maria callas

pyp/grenn/edd/the nw crowd went with jon once to watch something REALLY fucking sad TBH IT’D BE ERNANI and they’re like ‘jon wtf this is the worst’, then when sam learns it he goes like GUYS NO LET’S RECTIFY THIS and he brings them to l’italiana in algeri or SOME rossini fun opera and they change their mind

... okay I think I got MOST OF THE RELEVANT ONES IF I FORGOT ANYONE/YOU WANT ANYONE ELSE PLS ASK ;)

[voldiebuns]

HalLUDOween!!

So last weekend I went to HalLUDOween, aka Ludo's one night only, first time in six years concert! They're my favorite band and since I didn't think I'd ever get to hear them again in concert, of course I had to go. Even if it was in St. Louis, an approximately 11 hour drive from home lol But @biffelderberry and I figured it would be worth it, and it so was :D

We started out early Friday morning since it was going to be a long drive and we had to pick up a rental car since neither of our cars was up to such a drive. Of course we found out like an hour into the drive that the model we got had had a recall put out that very morning, but thankfully we didn't have any problems with it. The drive was actually not too bad, despite being so long and being mostly a drive through boring wilderness. We'd put together an approximately 13 hour playlist, so we had plenty of music to sing along with. And we made lots of stops at Taco Bell so I could get their potato tacos bc I'm apparently obsessed lol I ended up eating Taco Bell for every meal Friday, which was probably not a good idea, but it tasted fucking awesome.

(Me, left, and Biff at the beginning of the drive.)

Made it to the hotel around 8 maybe. There were two guys from Chicago in the check in line in front of us who we think may have been there for the concert as well, but the cool part was when we went down to breakfast in the morning, we met two other ppl who were there for the concert! They were from Wisconsin and California, so it was cool to talk to them for a bit about how much we all love Ludo and were so happy we were getting to see them again. We'd planned to use most of Saturday to explore St. Louis, since we'd come so far anyway. We'd wanted to do a ghost tour, but that didn't end up working out, but we did do a few other cool things. We went to an antiques store where we couldn't afford anything, but it still had some really interesting stuff. Then we went over to Grand Street, which I gather is kind of the popular downtown street. We ate at Lulu's Local Eatery, which is a small, hippster-y vegan place. I got the mac n cheese and Biff got the sliders, both of which were fucking delicious. Also very filling, which was a little disappointing bc we'd hoped to share the carnitas loaded tots after lol After that we went to a nearby comic book store. The owner was super nice and we talked to him about Ludo a bit (I was wearing my Ludo shirt) bc apparently everyone in town knew about this concert lol He'd had some other ppl in earlier who were going, I think from New York? Or maybe Arizona. We basically spent the whole weekend hearing from ppl in town about ppl coming in from out of state for the concert. Anyway, after that we did a little more walking around, mostly bc we wanted to look at all the pretty trees, and then went to Walmart to pick up some food (they have a So Delicious cashew milk chocolate cookies and cream ice cream that is to die for!). And crosstitching stuff bc Biff wanted to do an AO3 inspired bookmark design, and I thought it sounded fun as well. Also got some face masks bc why not. Which actually turned out not to be the best idea... When we got back to the hotel, I tried out my clay mask and it didn't go well. I did put a little too much water in it, but I don't think that accounts for how I apparently had an allergic reaction to it. Seriously, when I took it off, I looked like I had a rash all over my face. Thankfully my makeup skills were enough to cover it up, but I did end up sitting with a cool cloth on my face for awhile just to be sure the only reaction was the rash. Here's a picture of me post concert with half my makeup wiped off (the red side was waaaay better than when I first took off the mask):

So got ready, blah blah blah. And then it was time for the concert!! Costumes were encouraged, but since we didn't actually bring any, we just dressed up. My outfit of the night, which I loved bc I'd been waiting for an excuse to wear that crop top:

We took a Lyft to and from the venue since we didn't want to deal with parking or driving back at who knew what time. Which was probably a good thing bc the whole area around there was packed. More so for the second show, where the lines were literally down the block, but even for the first show. Bc of my trying to deal with a sudden allergic reaction rash, we were running a little late, so we got there like halfway through the opener. He was pretty good from what we heard, so I'll probably look up his music at some point. We had assigned seats in the balcony, which I was really glad of even if they cost more than GA down below. We would have had to get there hours early to get a good place there and would have had to stand, which I really am not up to for long amounts of time. But our seats were actually really good and we had a fantastic view of the stage. Except for the railing being right at eye level lol Since the concert was Halloween themed, they of course had some Halloween elements for the stage and their costumes. There were a couple of big, glowing blow up ghosts on either side of the stage. When the show started, about a dozen ppl came out in sheet ghost costumes and ran away around for awhile until it was just the band and they took off the sheets to show they were wearing skeleton onesies. Which I really really want one of now tbh.

Here's the vid I took of the intro. It was honestly so so awesome to see them in concert again. The first and only time I saw them before was in 2011, which was right before they basically broke up (ie they all just drifted away to other things and the band was no more). They did pretty much the song set that I'd been expecting, though there were a couple of things they sang that I hadn't expected. (They'd done a poll on twitter with Topek, Girls on Trampolines, and a couple of others, so since Topeka won I wasn't expecting them to play Girls on Trampolines.) And they did my top three favorite songs of theirs! Including Andrew going solo on my absolute favorite, Horror of Our Love! I took a vid of that too of course, which you can prob hear both Biff and I singing along to. They ended the concert with a cover of the Ghostbusters theme song and having a bunch of kids come out to throw candy to the crowd, which was a fun way to end it. There was no new music, aside from the two covers they did, which I think all of us had been hoping for. Even though we knew it was unlikely since the week before was the first time they'd all been in a room together in years. Still, the music and the experience of being part of the crowd was just as fantastic as last time. So yeah, the concert was amazing all around and totally worth the ridiculous drive :D After, we went down the block to the merch store, bc there was definitely no way I was leaving without something. We stood out in the cold for an hour waiting in line, which was fine except for the couple behind us was being really critical of the show and really annoying. We found out the reason it was taking so long was that the band was in the merch store talking to fans and signing stuff and taking pictures, which I hadn't expected. Of course their handler started telling them they needed to leave basically as soon as we got up to the front of the line. But! They were being pretty slow about it bc they wanted to keep talking to the fans, so Matt, the drummer, ended up at the door at the same time we were and he gave us hugs! He also said thanks for coming again, which made it sound like he recognized us? But idk. Anyway, as awesome as that was, the best part was apparently the girl behind us really wanted a hug from him and we were the last ones he hugged before leaving. Vengeance is sweet :D Anyway, I ended up with a t-shirt and a poster for the concert, plus a couple smaller ones from previous tours that they were giving away for free. There was a really cool tree print that I wish I would have gotten, so I hope they put that up online. There was a vinyl of the last CD as well that I wanted, but I really didn't feel like I could justify that as well. Maybe they'll put it up online too.

We took a Lyft back, which was a bit of an experience bc we had to cross the street to get to our ride and some asshole apparently was tired of waiting in traffic and tried to speed around while we were in the crosswalk. He stopped in time, but Biff really thought he was going to hit me :/ But we made it back to the hotel safely and met the lady from breakfast again. We ended up talking to her for awhile, which was fun bc she's been following the band for a long time and is apparently knows them personally bc of that. Sunday morning we slept in a bit bc we'd been out so late. We were both very glad we had decided not to drive home that day lol We went back out to Grand Street and had lunch at Lemongrass, a Vietnamese place there. I got the tofu summer roll and sesame tofu, and the sesame tofu was seriously good omg. After that we did some more walking and went to a bookstore we'd seen on Saturday. It was really cool and had a pretty fantastic variety of stuff spread out over three levels. We met a local Ludo fan there (we were both wearing the shirts we bought) who hadn't gotten to go to the concert and talked to her a little. Afterward we went over to the St. Louis Art Museum since they were supposed to have a textiles exhibit that sounded really interesting. We didn't end up finding it, and we only got to stay about half an hour before they closed, but it was still really fun. Plus they had some gorgeous views out front, some beautiful fall maples, and a statue of, apparently, Saint Louis.

We thought about going to the zoo after that, since it was literally across the street, but they were having some Halloween event and there were hundreds of small children everywhere. We decided that wasn't something we wanted to deal with lol So we went and picked up lunch from Fred and Ricky's Plant Delicious Foods, a lttle vegan grab and go place, instead and took it to eat at the hotel. The food was pretty good, though probably the best part is that I found out they ship nationwide, so I can order from there sometime if I want. Which is nice bc we really don't have many vegan places here. Monday it was time to leave. Because the drive home was long and we had to get back before the rental place closed at six, we got up at 5 am to head out. It wasn't too terrible, but we were definitely still tired. And I fell coming down the stairs with my suitcase and bruised my ass. It still hurts :/ Drive home seemed longer than the one there, probably bc I didn't really want to be going home lol It's so interesting how every time I go away for a fun weekend, it hits me when I get back how much I hate living at my house and in my city and in Texas in general. So I guess good motivation to try to find a way to move out sooner rather than later. So the weekend was fantastic! There were a few other places we would have liked to go, like the City Museum and some more vegan restaurants, but overall we hit some good places and had a lot of fun. Plus just the landscapes up there were so so pretty. We don't have trees like that in Texas lol But we're definitely thinking of going back to St. Louis sometime to see some more stuff. And maybe see Ludo again, if this concert was a sign of things to come! But of course it coudn't be all good. My throat was feeling a bit scratchy on the way home Monday, and by Tuesday I was pretty sick. Thankfully I had the whole week off plus Monday and Tuesday this week (I'd been hoping to go to a Star Trek meet up this weekend, but I couldn't afford it after all). I'm hoping I'm well by the time I go back to work, but it's been kind of a sucky way to spend my time off! But still worth it for Ludo lbr :D

(If you want to see the food pics I took, they’ll go up on my food blog: @foodandmind)

[writingsoftheunderworld]

Footnotes of Life

Well here we are, first post. Hopefully ppl will like this. 

Short reminder if you’re curious about Dana go check out her bio here - desktop only or here - mobile users . For more world building check it out here - desktop only or here - mobile users.

BTW, I take requests! Check out the RULES here - desktop only or here - mobile users before asking for stuff. 

Now this story is gonna be a roller-coaster of emotions with DamonXDana, hope you enjoy.

THE BEGINNING

Mystic Falls was such an interesting place in that Dana hates everything about it. She knows a lot about it too, is the problem and the reason the old bats that make up the Elder’s council sent her here. The past three times she’s been here. And now again.  If she never heard of this town after this assignment it would be too soon.

Thankfully she had leverage, built upon since the 1800s when she’d first arrived here looking for one Katherine Pierce who’d caused problems for the Clan. Now she’d been sent back following the rumours of a new doppelganger having popped up. Elena Gilbert, 17 years old. Pretty tragic back story for someone that young, even in Dana’s experience. But it did give her a bit of an idea as to what she should do. The Founder’s Ball was coming up and she had extensive training in dancing. Plus blackmail. Pretty persuasive blackmail. It would all work out.

Seeing the Lockwood estate through the taxi’s windows she drew in a deep breath and took out some cash to pay the driver. Here she went again. Not like she had better stuff to do at home. A month old little girl, a sad, closed off ex husband, the nicest asshole she ever met for a best friend and co-parent. Yes, her life was free, the council knew best after all. A broken heart to nurse and a surprise pregnancy notwithstanding.

She rounded the car, popping open the trunk and lifting her luggage. She set it down next to her and waited until the taxi took off. And where the shit was she supposed to be living in this hell-hole? She sighed for the millionth time since having heard about this mission and jumped when her phone dinged. Reo again. His hair was longer than when he’d been a teen, back when they first started really talking, styled to the side, same weird hairstyle choices as ever. He was holding their daughter in his arm, smiling down at her as the baby blew a bubble, the picture having been taken at just the right moment. Why was she here? When she could be there, with her daughter and her best friend?

Grumbling under her breath Dana turned and pulled at the handle of the luggage, heading for the house. The big anti-vamp meeting was about to begin she knew.

“What the FUCK, dude?!” the luggage had fallen, Dana on top of it, her back on its edge. Great, not her back hurt too, not just her head. She turned toward the cause of her fall, a man – brunet, ice blue eyes, not very tall – smirked mockingly down at her.

“You should watch where you’re going, lady!” he said, tone scanting, eyes colder than their color. Dana recognized Damon Salvatore immediately. And hated his guts just as fast.

“You arrogant little shit!” She yelled, pushing up on her feet, trying to ignore the protest her knees sent her way, picking up her phone and luggage. Thankfully nothing was broken, except her patience.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you” he smirked at her. It was threatening, the tone, the look. But he was messing with the wrong person.

“Oh really, douchebag?” she got up right in his face, green eyes filled with rage. She could deal with the council if she killed him slowly, she thought as she saw him smile as if amused. The man was so conceited that it actually hurt her brain.

“Dana! Damon! So good that you’ve met each other!” Saved by Carol Lockwood. Well played Mystic Falls, well played.

“You know her, Mrs. Lockwood?” Damon was all charm, but underneath Dana felt the murderous rage. Good, she’s have fun winding him up and seeing him pop a blood vessel or two – like his heart.

“Yes! Come, the meeting just began. I’ll explain everything there.” Carol sent Dana a look that begged her not to kill Damon. Well, Carol at least knew who she was talking with, or what. Too bad Damon was never gonna find out, not even after Dana was done staking his little girlfriend in the ass.

MOVING IN TOGETHER

“You know you could just let me do that right?” she cocked an eyebrow and smiled sweetly, too sweet. Damon scowled back and just shifted the weight of the boxes in his grip.

“Oh I’m sorry madam spider, I didn’t know you’d arrived!”

Dana laughed, yelped and then leaned the tiny mountain of bags against the side of the building. She took two seconds to just breathe, work up her courage to go up the flights of stairs. She watched as Damon sped up to the main hallway and almost dropped her bags a second time laughing when he had to stumble to a stop because his boxes were falling over.

“Maybe you should tie them down?”

“Maybe I should tie you down instead?” he quipped, not even trying to look at her. Once he had them back in his grip, he resumed his trek down the hallway to the main staircase, all the while cursing the fact that the electricity hadn’t been patched up yet. He definitely would kill for an elevator right about now. Dana watched him go, mourning her arms already. Going up three flights of stairs had her panting, more so than if she had sped through the island from one end to the other and she was happy to see Damon must have felt the same way as he had just dropped the boxes onto the loveseat and then collapsed onto the bed. His feet were hanging out, one leg swaying to some imaginary rhythm in his head. She smiled and stepped inside, kicking the door behind her to squeeze through the bags, but not enough to close it. She lay them gently at the foot of the loveseat and then turned back. She stepped between Damon’s legs and waited for him to either look at her or say something. Luckily he didn’t disappoint.

“I refuse to do anything, but sit here, no matter how seductive you look at me, babe.” The soft look she’d had on gave way to a tiny amused snort before she bent a leg onto the bed and swung herself onto Damon’s other side. She only scooted a little bit so she could touch the side of her face to his hair.

“Trust me, anyone calls for me right now and they’ll meet a short and painful death.” she said, paused then seemed to think better as she amended. “If I get up at all.” Closing her eyes, she missed Damon nodding his head in emphatic agreement, but she did sneak her hand around his, lacing their fingers.  “Think we can just sleep?” she added, voice already slurring in exhaustion.

“Probably. It is our island.” he mumbled back, hooking his heel to the bed frame and lifting himself up a bit more comfortably. Dana whined at the disturbance, glared, then immediately resettled, her head now rested on his ribs. She sighed, content to just fall asleep when Damon’s pocket began buzzing and ringing. With an over exaggerated groan she lay back on her back, staring at their newly painted ceiling and questioning how she’d gotten here, a 26 hour awake, just got out alive person while her boyfriend was confirming that, yes we did in fact forget to bring any sheets for the bed Bon. Dana smiled to herself. She was pretty sure she wouldn’t change anything about it even if she had the chance.

“Come on, tell Bonnie to go out dancing and let’s sleep forever!”

“Bye, Bonster! Go and get some and let me sleep.” Damon’s hand had fallen, the phone no longer in his grasp, just sitting face up, shining with a picture of Bonnie in a Santa hat glaring playfully. Bonnie for her part didn’t wait for anything more, aware better than anyone just how exhausted both vampire were and Dana couldn’t help but wonder how Bonnie herself wasn’t just a tired version of a zombie like she felt and Damon looked just about now. She shrugged at her own question, her shoulder jostling Damon who’d already snoozed off. He turned bleary eyes to her, questioning.

“Phone.” was all that needed saying. In seconds Damon was asleep again, his phone still between them. Dana questioned if she should just be the bigger man here and actually put the phone on a table or something, if maybe she should take either of their shoes off, but ultimately lost the fight with awareness about halfway through the first question.

A DAY IN THE FAMILY LIFE

A loud bang resonated throughout the house, startling Dana and causing baby Seth to fuss in her arms where the two of them had been reading. Dana had decided to spend some time with her babies today, finally having found a moment of respite after long months of fighting and worry and heartache. She and Damon were slowly getting back to the ease with which they’d gotten used to those first six months of being together, after the year-long separation, and both were grateful for the short peace that had enveloped their livelihood.

“Damon!? What was that?” she slowly got up, cradling her nearly one year old baby in her arms, gazing softly at her baby girl asleep in her crib. She lowered Seth beside his sister, raising the railing separating the two in order for their sleep to go without a hitch and turned on the baby monitor both in the room and that she always carried with her and left. She rounded a corner, a long stretch of hallway before her, nothing out of the ordinary about it, except for how empty and quiet it was – everyone had been so sweet to give them these few weeks to get reacquainted – and called out for her husband again.

“D? Baby? You there?” she felt her anger rising, hating it when he didn’t answer like this – when anyone didn’t deign it to answer when someone was calling out – and walked outside. The sight of the large pool greeted her, the vaguely messy dance area looking abandoned in the wake of this exodus that was their friends going to their own houses for once. She closed her eyes and listened a bit, trying to remember where the loud noise had come from; and maybe see if she could hear any other indication of what it could have possibly been.

Another loud bang echoed through the quiet.

“Goddamnit Damon, I swear to fuck if you broke something I will –“ she cuts herself off, mouth hanging open, no words peaking through, a snort of laughter lodged in her throat. Her chest and belly give a few stuttering motions as she struggled not to collapse on the floor laughing with tears streaming down her round cheeks.

“Do not” began Damon, on his ass, his formally grey shirt peppered with streaks of various colours and materials, his hair a bird’s nest – quite literally as Dana saw branches sticking out alongside some feather that she had no idea how they came to exist in their house. “laugh.” he finished with a half cough half chock, the dust around him combining with the smell of all that paint creating a caustic gas that he could not utter a words through. Dana gulped back another guffaw, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes as she fought the instinct to laugh and nodded as seriously as she could.  She watched as Damon slowly unrolled his bent knees, stretching out long legs before him and then slowly struggled to get up only to slip backward in a flurry of rainbow and chicken feathers on some pink paint, bringing down the last remaining industrial shelf that supply room had had. The pure shock on his face and oddly shaped drawing on his shirt – which to Dana resembled a very unfortunate looking whale – were what broke her already thin control and she laughed as loud as she could, bending down at the waist, hand covering her face. It was only much later, after Damon had fully gotten up and washed up and Dana cleaned the supply room, after the kids had woken up and cried for food, after Damon re-enacted the Battle of Hogwarts with an old doll of Caroline’s standing in for Voldemort and a stick figure made by Dana’s nephew as Harry that he told her what exactly led to the disaster.

He’d wanted to get the dollar he’d dropped two days prior to buy Dana the kitsch-y, devil-lookalike little sticky wall hanger for their bathroom. Dana wasn’t sure whether she laughed more at that explanation or the aftermath in the end, only that she’d gotten her family day after all, as odd as it had been.

COMFORT

“Damon?”

She was sitting on a lounge chair, the water of the pool reflecting the soft light of the night time. Her feet were tucked underneath her thighs, cross legged, a blanket around her shoulder. Her hand peeked through the soft material, wiggling her fingers and smiling a tremble of a smile. Her eyes were glassy, the straps of her bright orange nightgown had fallen down her shoulders, as seen through the tiny gap.

“Hey, Dana.”

He approached her perch, sitting on the end of the lounge chair and putting a hand on her left knee, massaging it. She winced, her smile fading slowly as he continued the motion. He knew she always got sharp jabs of pain whenever thoughts of her past invaded her waking moments. She let her cold fingers grip his wrist, feeling for his pulse underneath the skin, the thrum of his blood reminding her she still had people in her life that loved her.

“I’m not okay, Day.”

She whimpered and Damon’s heart broke. She didn’t cry, not yet, just let her head fall onto the headrest and unfurled her legs into his lap, pulling the blanket around her torso tighter, as if doing so would hide the ugly scar splitting open her sternum. It didn’t, not to her, who could feel the pulsating pain of his fingers digging into her flesh, even now after so many centuries. Dana squeezed her eyes tight, breathed in a deep, shaky breath and looked back at Damon. His blue eyes sparkled in the light of reflected by the ripples of water around them, never moving from her.

He nodded, both to himself, but also as a way of reassuring her, and shifted, crawling over her and then gently easing himself to the side, sliding under her body, curling an arm around her shoulders. She shuddered, turning her face towards him, large green eyes gazing up at him, so vulnerable and pained and he let his legs entangle with hers, felt her arms bury themselves into the back of his Henley as she embraced him. He kissed the top of her head, breathed in her scent.

“I’ve got you, baby. You’re safe.”

He felt her borough her face into his chest, hyperventilating and shaking her head. She tightened her fingers into the material of the shirt, a trembling mess against him. He felt the tears soak his chest, felt her empty, chocked out sobs resonating with the beat of his heart, watched her legs curl further into the space between them as she curled up into a ball against him. He rubbed calloused fingers down her arms and carefully cupped her cheek. He thought she might fight him when he tried to lift her gaze to his, but she went pliant, leaning into the touch, planting a watery kiss to his palm. Dana smiled, a broken, twisted little smile and opened her eyes again.

“I’m sorry. I know I should be ove-“

“Shh, I’ve got you. I’m right here. Just sleep.”

She blinked back her tears, rose on her elbows and pressed a soft kiss to his temple, lingering there and breathing him in. He pulled her up further, cradled her into him, cocooning her in his arms. She sighed, still shaky, but gentle and relaxing against him. Nodding sluggishly, her breath evened out. She was still awake, her eyelashes tickling the side of his face, but calmer. Dana, snuggled up, nuzzling his skin, sniffling softly and shaking whenever she closed her eyes for too long.

“I’m right here. I’ll protect you, baby. You can let go now.”

He whispered, feeling her exhale and seeing her melt further into the warmth of his body, lean into the softness of his caress. Wrapped into him as she was, so close she could feel his every move, from the twitch of his thigh when he rearranged, to the rise of his skin when a cold breeze washed over them, she let the tension coiled inside her go, gave all she had left to him and sighed.

“I know.”

VALENTINE’S DAY

Damon was concerned. His wife was acting odd. Well, worse than she usually did nevertheless and for the life of him, he couldn’t stop the worry from mounting as he saw her bouncing in place again and giggling uncontrollably. Honestly, he worried for her mental health on a normal day, today he worried for his own too.

See, when Damon heard that Dana wanted to plan a nice non-Valentine’s Day Valentine’s Day, he was excited. He might not have celebrated a lot of holidays, but he liked to think that this one in particular he’d be pretty good at. So when last year Dana asked, gently and apologetically, if perhaps they could just not do anything for Valentine’s he’d been a tiny bit... disappointed. Which he didn’t mention, yet somehow his wife had heard or realized and took it upon herself to rectify the situation this year. In her own style. By celebrating on the 13th instead. A non-Valentine’s Day... Valentine’s Day

“So, what exactly are you planning here, D?” he had to ask, if only for his own peace of mind at this point.

“Not telling!” she sang in his ear, pecking him on the cheek and waltzing away. He turned to look after her, but found he’d been intercepted by his brother instead, no doubt tasked by Dana to distract him. Hours later, Stefan drunk and swaying against the wall thinking he’s dancing on the bar, Damon finally get the text calling him back home. He rushed over, half slumped Stefan dragged after him and dumped on a chair by the poolside, already asleep before he even gets to sit his brother properly, and stopped in their hallway. Soft music sounded from the bed room, and he strained a bit to recognize the song. “I choose you”. His heart stuttered. That was her song to him, blasting from the speakers in their bedroom, her voice mumbling the words. He walked down the corridor, the smell of deep rich chocolate and lulling rhythm of her voice drawing him in.

“Dana? What-“ the words were stuck in his throat. The room was much the same, except there were white Christmas lights decorating every corner, casting the area in deep shadows and soft edges, the quality of a dream. Dana was dressed in a dark red blouse, a plunging neckline and hem stopping at her thighs and making it clear she wore only a pair of black lace panties underneath. She was swaying to the rhythm.

“Damon! Wait! No! Go back, go back.” she rushed to him, her high heels clicking on the wooden floor of the hallway as she pushed him back around the corner. “When I tell you, you come in, ok babe?” with a grin she ran back inside. He heard her shuffling around, turning off the song. When she called him back inside, he was bemused and not sure what to expect, except for his heart to stop beating a salsa beat in his chest. The song was turned on. Her voice rose, sure and harmonious this time. She strutted toward him slowly, gazing from half lidded eyes and led him to sit on the edge of the bed. She settled her knees on either side of his hips and held his face in her hands, caressing his cheeks.

She smiled and winked at every “I choose you” she sang, circling her hips to the soft tempo, her eyes mapping his face and her hands following the road left behind. She let out a breathy “you” when he bit the pad of her thumb and he leaned into her when she let the digit trace his lower lip. The song was ending soon.

Damon snaked sure, wide palms up her legs, pulling her thighs straight up, pressing them into his chest as he nosed at her cleavage and licked up her neck, the line she was singing breaking as she moaned. Pushing at him softly, he eased up, blue eyes hazed as the song beat into his chest, into his heart. Warmth spread through him as she gently pushed him onto his back, leaning over him, letting her weight settle into his bones, her warmth into the chill his clothes had brought with them from outside.

“I love you, Damon” she whispered as one last “I choose you” echoed from the stereo. Dana’s lips met his, soft and innocent and oh so loving and he felt a tear slid down his face, disappearing into the bed sheets below, leaving her none the wiser about it. He flipped them over, licking her neck with short burst that had a riotous laughter bursting from deep in her belly.

“I know, Dana.” he grinned down at her, saw her huff  and pout and bend down to kiss her again, tracing her upper lip and letting out a sigh when her tongue met his. “Te voglio bene assai.” he crooned in her ear once Caruso swarmed around them, his song this time. Her eyes reflected the love back at him, so much love he could barely breathe and knew she saw the same in return as water gathered in her eyes and tears fell through her wide grin as she mouthed along to the song.

For non-Valentine’s day Valentine’s Day, it ended up pretty syrupy, especially after Dana showed him where she’d put the melted caramel. They ended up eating more than making love, but who could blame them really.

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER

Damon took a step forward onto the sandy beach, letting the summer sun bathe his face. He was home, finally, after dealing with nearly a month of shit in Mystic Falls. He took out the sunglasses from his jeans pocket and put them on, pulling onto the lapel of his leather jacket. The sand crunched beneath his heavy boots, the sun warmed the leather, attracted to the black colour of it, sweat gathering at the small of his back and sides, but he ignored it. He had an entrance to make and it would be good. Damon looked up at the large building, the size of a tropical getaway hotel, the house he and his wife of three years had built together. Heading east, toward where their apartment was situated, he ran at vampire speed toward where he knew the entryway stood, hurrying up the stairs and slowing to a relaxed walk when he reached the hallway near the kids’ room. He had a plan for him and Dana reuniting, but she could wait a bit, he had two little demons to greet and shower with attention.

It was about two hours later that he left the two to their own devices, together with their older half sister, having been thrown out on ground of “being too old, Daddy!”. He couldn’t really argue with that and he also wasn’t able to be away from Dana much longer. Being back home like this, seeing her presence in every crevice of their house, intermingled with his, seeing Seth soft cheeks and Izzie’s green eyes, so much like their mother sometimes, had him thinking about her even more.

He followed the sound of loud music to the poolside, where he knew she would be at this hour, night having fallen. He heard her before he saw her, spinning around in circles around her best friend and sending mischievous glances at Stefan, no doubt wanting to torture him by dragging him out to the dance floor, singing loudly with the current song.  Damon swallowed down his laughter as he didn’t want her to know he was there yet. He waited at the outskirts, leaning against a palm tree, eyes twinkling as she shimmied and swayed her hips absent minded to the beat of the next song, talking with Tony. She let her head fall back in a loud burst of laughter at something the other man said, then in a flurry of movements, she salsa’d her way toward the bar.

He loved moments like these, calm and happy, peaceful and insane. He loved her. His eyes traced her curves, the swell of her hips falling into the slope of her spine leading toward her rounded ass, the soft swell of her breasts. He saw her short hair ruffling in the breeze, her glasses glinting in the light of the lampposts. She was wearing her mismatched pyjama again, the flowing nightgown, cotton and white, worn out barely doing anything to hide the bright pink underwear she wore. She had purple socks on and nothing else. He shook his head in disbelief, the absolute disaster of her outfit out staged only by the confidence with which she wore it. He thought she never looked more beautiful than in that moment, balancing two drinks in her hands, each step toward where she’d left Tony and Stefan waiting a half skip to the beat of the music. She truly was ridiculous.

He chose the moment when she turned to look at the stage, jumping up and down, drinking from her glass and cheering on whoever had deigned to sing tonight from their friends. It was a Bon Jovi song, he thought as he made his way toward her, finger of his lips to signal to the other not to say anything to alert her of his presence. Sliding his hands around her waist, he felt her relax in his hold, no doubt recognizing him. She leaned into him, letting her weight fall on him, head falling onto his shoulder, a gentle smile on her lips as she mouthed the words to the song. He nosed at the sweaty skin of her neck, enjoying watching her squirm and yelp at the tickling feeling. When she turned around in his arms, she blinked her half-lidded green eyes and grinned wide.

“Hey, D!” she switched her hold on him, one hand going to his shoulder, the other gripping his hand and they began swaying in place. It was nice. It was home. Another song followed, and another, and another, then suddenly it was Black Velvet. Dana had taken a break from dancing and Damon himself had gone off into the large mob of people, but the throngs of the song drew his eyes back to hers and as she rose from her place, he returned to her. The song might not have been about sex, but the way she began moving and mouthing the words was. Damon was entranced as he followed her lead now, like a sailor toward a siren, ready to drown in her.

“Let’s ditch them, babe.” she whispered, grinding her ass into him, breathy voice and closed eyes. He grinned, bent and picked her up bridal style as she yelped and hit his chest in retaliation. But didn’t struggle much when she realised he was taking them to the bedroom. He put her down on the soft carpet and stripped of his outfit, deciding to match her look, worn pyjama pants with a guitar patter and fuzzy chequered socks. He decided to forgo the t-shirt, expecting it would be a bit redundant if they decided to go ahead with what had brought them here in the first place. Dana smiled sensually at him, one eyebrow raising suggestively and turned on her phone, the slow notes of a guitar filling the bedroom.

“I had an idea a few days ago and had no one to try it out with.” she began, taking him by the hand and pushing him down onto the bed. Damon lay sprawled out, rising on his elbows to look her, legs open, dangling over the edge, relaxed. He was intrigued. He wondered if he was about to get the rare lap dance from her, and from the way she began circling her hips, her hands caressing her body, it seemed that way. She played with her breasts, twisting the nipple, kneading the flesh through the nightgown, sucking two fingers into her mouth and trailing them down between her breasts, winking. He smirked and shifted on the bed, settling down, for now willing to ignore the growing erecting tenting his pants. She pulled off her gown, throwing it haphazardly behind her, landing onto the lamp and gangling there, leaving her with a large comfortable pair of pink panties and those ridiculous socks. She turned and bend down quickly, back arched and hips jutting out, making a show of taking off her socks, tripping and readjusting with a laugh, cheeks red from exertion and arousal.

Damon followed her lead, taking of his socks as well, palming his hardened cock through his pants, biting his lower lip to stifle a moan, failing as a snort of laughter bursts through anyway when Dana twists too hard and bumps her shin on the corner of the night stand, cursing loudly. The mood doesn’t break though, if anything, the laughter only fans the flames, leaving Damon speechless when suddenly it’s gone and Dana is on her hands and knees, inching her way to him. She pushes her hands up his legs, kneading his thighs just this side of too painful as her knuckles graze him. his head halls back with a loud groan and he feels her answering, pleased smile against the stuttering skin of his belly. Her tongue traces around, mapping the ridges of his abs and dipping below the waistband for but a split second. Her thumbs flick his nipples and her teeth graze his side as she slowly nips and licks and sucks downward. She pulls his pyjama pants off with her teeth, low enough to free his cock from within its confines. She rises to her feet and stretches above him, knees bracketing his hips, hands on either side of his head, a wide grin on her flushed face, an answering one on his.

“Hi.” she whispered softly, blinking down at him. “I missed you, babe.”

“Me too.” He wound his arms around her, caressing down her spine and feeling as goose bumps rose in the wake of his touch. One hand tangled in her hair and pulled her to him, stopping just before they could fully kiss, breaths intermingling, green to blue staring at each other. Her grin softened and she closed the distance, opening her mouth at his probing tongue and matching the pace he set. It was a gentle kiss, a welcome home kiss. It fit the still strumming guitar in the background.

“I want to fuck you to the rhythm of this song.” she mumbled against his lips, separating them, drawing back and waiting to see what he thought, a challenge in her darkened gaze, feet beating the melody out of bed, suspended there.

Damon closed his eyes and listened to the music, feeling the beat in his chest. Dana had a lot of wacky ideas when it came to ... anything really, so this didn’t surprise him in the slightest, what did surprise him was how fitting the song was. He hadn’t even realized they’d basically moved with it this whole time. Even now they were following its melody, her body moving back and forth on top of him, hips grinding to the notes almost unconsciously.

“Sure, go for it.” he grinned and grabbed her wrists, in a swift movement having pinned her beneath him instead, grounding into her with sure moves. Her head dug into the bed spread, hair a mess, mouth open in a silent gasp. He let his face morph, veins rising underneath his eyes, fangs elongating. She opened her eyes and moaned at the sights, her panties growing wetter, by now soaked through. She hooked one leg around his upper thigh and pulled him closer, rising her hips into him, the tip of his cock massaging her clit. She grinned defiant, not one to give up the fight so easily. He grazed the swell of her right breast with his fangs, nipping and breaking the skin. With a hiss of pain, she grinded harder into him, one hand clutching at his hair, the other digging nails into his biceps. He sucked at the small puncture wound.

“Day-“ the gasp is forced from between her lips when he snaked a hand into her underwear, adjusted the angle so that the only thing separating them was her panties and his pants, circling her clit too fast. Her head thrashed from side to side, biting her lower lip, scratching his arms, fingers finding purchase into the sheets beneath them. “Oh fuuuck!”  Her back arched into his touch, so close to an orgasm, when he suddenly pulled away, a shit eating smirk on his lips and she growled, tears of frustration gathering in her eyes.

“I have a few ideas too, baby.” He pulled off the last article of clothing and watched as she almost ripped hers off as well, then she smiled, sweet. Too sweet.

He was pinned, arms locked at his sides by her shins digging into them, her wet heat inches from his face. She was bent over him, her warm breath making his erection twitch, as if maybe the right angle would catch the softness of her lips. He couldn’t move his head at the angle she held him, he could reach and swipe his tongue inside her. But she could so she did, gentle little kitten licks down the underside of his dick, harsh sucks to the head, quick rapid fire bobs up and down his length. His head was swimming, Dana was in heaven, his moans and growls and the gentle bucking of his hips under her hands and mouth everything she’d ever wanted.

When Damon was close, she stopped, hovering just out of reach, her lips still close enough to lightly graze of oversensitive tip, precum gathering and rolling down onto the bed sheets. “You’re right, babe. This was a great idea.” She purred and he felt the vibrations in his whole body. He shuddered and bucked up harder. Her left knee gave pain filled twinge then and he took the advantage, sinking one finger then two into her, caressing and twisting and curling at just the right angle that she screamed out his name. The song picked up tempo. They didn’t even hear it.

“Damon, if you don’t –“ Dana was going crazy and sick of his teasing when he took out his fingers, licked them clean, making an obscene amount of nose as he did so and slowly sunk into her. Her legs tightened around him in reflex, her back arched and her mouth opened in a silent scream. They were both too strung up at this point to mess around anymore, so Damon set a punishing pace, the long month of separation echoing in the desperation of his thrusts. Dana matched his rhythm, rising her hips in time with him, licked his neck, bit at the space behind his right ear that had his hips stuttering and his breath catch. He caressed y inside of her knee and she moaned, kissing him frantically, teeth and spit and lips mashing together.

“Come on, comeoncomeon-“ she mumbled under her breath into his ear, he swore against her hair. He pulled at her, slipping out and turning onto his back, guiding her to sit back onto him. She sat down in one quick motion that had her feeling him deep in her belly. Damon let her set the pace now, the guitar faster and louder in the background, matching their own rhythm. She rose slowly and thrust down hard.

“Oh fuck, Dana” Damon groaned, fingers digging into her hips, no doubt leaving bruises. She repeated the motion, uuuup and down, uup and down, up and down!, again and again and again.

“So close, Damon” she moaned his name, breath stuttering in her lungs. He nodded along, helping her, moving her bodily over him when her thighs began trembling and her belly quivered and his arms shook.

They were both so close, so unbelievably near to the edge, all it took was two well angled thrust, one hard push into her. And then the song ended. Her movements lost momentum, his hips twisted the wrong way and the cresting pleasure was lost.

“Fuuck. No!” she cried out, collapsing onto his chest, eyes wet, body still too sensitive to be touching his so much. Damon growled in frustration and punched the sheets. They lay like that for a few seconds, with Damon still buried deep inside her until a hysterical laughter gripped her. Her whole body trembled above him as she laughed, startling shivers of pleasure from both due to the movement. “Typical.” he murmured, kissing her sweaty forehead and chuckling as well as she rose on shaky hands and kissed him deeply.

“Love you, babe.” she whispered and lay back down, nuzzling his neck. “Gimme two minutes. Fuck the song” she added with a deep breath.

“Love you too. But next time, loop the goddamn song.” he caressed her sides as he spoke. Goose bumps rising on her skin and he knew she didn’t need two minutes anymore.

“Next time, huh?” she swivelled her hips and saw him chock on a moan, tired, happy smile on her lips.

“God, I missed you.” he spoke as he thrust up into her once more, heat curling in his belly again, felling her shudder at the motions.

“Fucking guitar riff!” she cried out in retaliation, stuttering laughter in her belly as he resumed a slower pace than before. They fell asleep sated, curled around one another, in a silent room.

LIFE HAPPENS

“So how about that dinner you owed me?” Dana bats her eyelashes up at Damon. He’s leans further back against the desk in their bedroom, quirking an eyebrow, blue eyes shining in amusement.

“Owed, is it?” She laughs, long and loud. Nods. Yelps when he rushes to her and jumps out of the way, giggling when he snorts into the pillows as he lands. “That was unfair.” He grumbles, turning onto his back and looking up at the plain beige ceiling. Dana settles back down, curling around him, head on his shoulder, nuzzled against his neck, hand on his heart. He sighs. Shifts his weight. Clears his throat. Plays with the hem of her t-shirt.

“Do you really have to go again?” it comes out as a whine, but there is something more hidden below the surface as the woman further boroughs her head into the crook of his shoulder. They lay like that, in silence for a few seconds, neither willing to disrupt the calm and quiet. Dana’s mind a whirlpool of thoughts, from worry about how volatile Stefan is being recently, since the almost murder of their mother, to joy at being able to hold onto Damon a few minutes more. When Damon’d come back with a ridiculous reindeer beer mug, she’d figured the worst had passed, yet now here he was about to leave again.

“I’ll be back tonight, you know that, babe.”

“True” grumbling under her breath, she springs from where she was laying, all manic energy and crazy smiles. “Alright! You go do ... whatever you do in that hell-hole and I’ll go see who’s around here.” She kissed him on the lips, tugging a bit on his lower one as she pulled back, winked, turned, and skipped out of the room. Bemused, Damon set about to change out of his current sleep wear, boxers and an old shirt of Dana’s that had fit him last night well enough.

Mystic Falls was as per usual a cesspool worth of horrible things on the verge of happening. He wasn’t sure whether the memories of the Phoenix stone were still that fresh in his mind, or perhaps simply no longer being used to being there, but Damon was anxious. Anxious, like when you see the dark storm front approaching, anxious like feeling the air drop in a room following an argument, anxious like struggling to smuggle your younger brother outside of father’s study so neither of you are met with a too sharp tongue and even shaper whip. He stays though, long after nightfall, helping Wannabe Deputy Dumbass clean up the newest mess created by whoever had decided to come to their little cursed town that day. He was looking forward to home more so than any other time since maybe actually being rescued from the Phoenix stone.

It’s quiet when he arrives back.

Well, perhaps quiet is too much, there’s still a too loud poolside with too many people drinking and dancing and talking, there’s still a full house greeting him, lights blaring from the windows and shining from the small shopping district they’d made out of boredom, but there is something wrong lingering in the air. He can almost taste it he thinks, as he descends the stairs and heads to the main area. Dana isn’t there tonight. Not particularly surprising, seeing that she does tend to hole herself in their bedroom and binge watch things online often enough, but it is that anxious feeling swirling in the pit of his stomach that sets his teeth on edge.

She’s in bed when he arrives, sleeping.

He joins her, quickly returning to the earlier outfit he’d worn before he left, not yet having been picked up by anyone. She turns in her sleep, groans, scrunches up her face and pushes closer to the edge of the bed. She dips a hand over, dangling it there for a few seconds more, then quickly switches onto her other side, pummelling the pillow with her face, arranging it. Damon lays down at her back, pushing her towards the wall. She’s a warm, reassuring presence against his chest, content as a cat on a radiator.

Damon falls asleep, legs tangled with Dana’s.

Dana wakes up in a cold sweat, breathing harsh and heart racing out of her chest, the last vestiges of her nightmare clinging to her awareness still. She closes her eyes tightly, forces her breath to even out and not turn into a full blown panic attack tonight. She’s still shaking, cold from where the blanket had fallen off of her.

Damon sobs in her ear. She freezes.

Dana plops back on her back, feeling the overheated skin of his forearm rubbing her too clammy one. As another gargled sound rips its way out of his lungs, she pushes up onto her elbow and softly caresses his cheeks, his arms, his chest. His breathing is heavier, his eyelids moving brusquely. She tries waking him, mumbles out his name, tells him to get up. She doesn’t want to yell out tonight, her vocal chords already abused enough due to her own nightmare.

Damon stirs, eyes fluttering open, hand twitching his hers.

Dana lets him calm down, tries to wait for him to be fully conscious before she can say anything. The room is dark and shadows play at the corner of her sight, sending shivers down her spine at cold blue eyes surrounded by snow. Damon pulls her to his chest, arms tightly wound around her, plastering his sweaty hair to her cheek. She waits, spying demons in the night, dancing just out of her periphery, closing in faster than she can control her lungs. Damon’s the first to speak.

“Nightmare.”

It is both a question and an answer in equal measure. He knows she has them every so often, sometimes she remembers them in the morning when she wakes up, mostly she just never know she’s had one to begin with. It is rare to find her awake this deep into the darkness. She nods. The demons are getting closer in the night it feels and despite the heat of Damon’s embrace, she’s cold.

“Was it Lily?”

Her voice is clear, deep with sleep and fear. She talks when she’s nervous, she barely utters a word when she’s terrified. He tells her everything he can recall, if only to fill the void of night. His mother, Lily, yes, but his father as well. He was a child again. He still could feel the bruises from his father heavy hand and his mother’s ignorance. He makes a joke out of it, despite the ache in his eyes that tells him nothing is funny right now.

The anxious feeling lingers well into the morning.

When he wakes up, he’s covered in blood. Dana is in the shower, struggling not to let the cries echo as the deep gashes her nails had inflicted on her chest still haven’t stopped bleeding. They are silent when she returns to bed. Him ignoring the bandage taped to her chest, her not mentioning how red and puffy his eyes are. The darkness retreats from the bedroom, the feeling fades. Now all that is left is piecing each other back together again, as they must always after something like this.

Pieces have gone missing again.

“You owe me dinner, babe.” she whispers into his hair, barely controlled emotions masked by however little energy she can muster, the smile a dead carcass on her lips.

“I can work with that.” he wiggles his eyebrows, licks his lips, but there is nothing seductive about it yet, just a facsimile of what their banter should be.

They try to soak up the warmth. The demons howl. The anxiety chocks.

[stupidpianist]

22 october 2018

10:36: Rolling my slug body out of bed. Stayed up a bit later than I had anticipated yesterday night, was watching The Disaster Artist for a second time. Saw it once at a get together with friends when we had all been steadily drinking for a couple hours so I wasn’t paying the closest attention to it, though we all agreed that we mutually thought it was a really good movie. Read/watched some reviews of the movie by my favourite reviewers since I’ve been intrigued about it for a long time, being a fan of The Room, and read that my favourite reviewers all really liked the movie, so last night I was like, “it’s okay, your first class on Mondays isn’t until 11h35, you can sleep in a bit, just watch it, it’s okay, this will ‘inspire you’ and the net benefit of watching the movie will be a lot of productivity and general wellbeing.”

Always loved narratives like these ones, outsiders pursuing a personal dream irrespective of the views of other people, who are just “good enough” and hard enough workers and determined enough that in the end they succeed despite all expectations. It helps that Tommy Wiseau is, like, almost insane, too. I like people that seem to play with reality, like, that seem to warp reality around themselves, like, that command some extremely mass-ey gravitational field that seems to suck everything in and reprocess them based on their own frameworks, rather than the other way around the way that most ppl seem to operate in the world, maybe?

Found myself earnestly surprised at how good I thought the movie was, finding myself drawn into a Tommy Wiseau obsession. I’m tying up this liveblog update in the music library right now and I am sorry that I’m skipping around chronologically, I promise right after this tangent I’ll flip right back into “regularly scheduled programming,” just wanted to share thoughts on Disaster Artist first. Was very inspirational, I’m finding myself, today, being, like, renewed in personal endeavours, and less attentive towards the negative detractions of external influences. Feels pretty cool. Heh.

Actually woke with my alarm at 10h, but didn’t want to get out of the comforts of bed just yet, so I checked Instagram and Facebook for a few minutes and then just closed my eyes, waiting for my second alarm, which I knew was coming in a bit.

Stood, put on bathrobe, feeling “particularly luxurious,” then walked to do the ol’ routine of boiling water, brushing teeth, splashing water on face, putting water in hair, you know the drill by now. Yup, this is just going to get more and more repetitive as the days draw on. An unexpected consequence of starting this experiment is that I have a strange urge to “switch things up” and “change up the routine,” just for sake of novelty. Always had a “soft spot” for novelty, you ever wanna give me a gift? Just give me one of those cheesy, tacky novelty items you see for sale every holiday season. Get me that stuff, give it to me, I want it all. Also: those things you see in infomercials. I want ALL OF THEM. Shamwow? Slap Chop? That thing that removes hair but isn’t a razor? Gimme.

11:14: Still feeling very calm, brewing second cup of tea while sitting in front of computer, aware that I should leave in a minute if I want to be “responsibly early,” but knowing that I could leave in ten minutes and still make it to class on time if I sped walked a wee bit. Didn’t want to “rush myself” this morning, have no idea why, felt like I was “pampering myself,” so I just kept watching some YouTube videos, sipping my tea, in my bathrobe. Eventually was like, “it’s time, it’s time to do it,” and took off bathrobe, put on jeans and Bell Witch long-sleeve shirt. Realized that I might have a work shift later, and checked schedule on computer. Yup. Work later. Changed out of jeans and shirt into black pants and short-sleeve black shirt. Thought, “don’t really want to go back-and-forth from home to change, might as well wear the ‘uniform’ right now.”

11:23: Walking to class. Feeling like I want a Red Bull, probably because Tommy Wiseau, in real life, and featured in The Disaster Artist, drinks a lot of Red Bull. Thought “product placement wins again” in slightly ironic tone, then walked into dep en route to school and bought Red Bull, also painfully aware this is nowhere in my budget, and that I’d have to cut something more important than Red Bull out of the budget if I wanted to buy it. Still bought it, still chugged it in ~10 seconds, placed it in green recycling bin beside shopping complex. Took that Red Bull “to the face.”

11:34: Seems like I got to school ridiculously quickly today?? Very odd. This is a “chill class,” it’s piano pedagogy, the professor is a nice guy and easy to like. Seems like everyone is relatively laid back in the course, one or two students don’t seem very invested at all, but there is earnest commitment from the majority of us. Feels good that the first class of the week is something like this, rather than, like, psych stats, even though that’s happening tomorrow morning… Really skeptical that I’ll get myself out of bed to attend, even though I really should. Seems more likely I’m going to stay up until around one researching The Room, then sleep until ten, and miss the 08h30 call time. Whatever, I’ll deal with this at the end of the day.

Feeling excited about the work shift tonight, too, like, I really like going to work. It’s one of the few places where it’s both easy to ignore the world and feel simultaneously productive, since I’m, like, earning money, even though I’m not exactly doing that much. And it’s a good time for personal introspection; sitting alone backstage without windows, where things are mostly dark, only interacting with people who are hyper-focused on their impending performance, it makes for a good atmosphere to just be with yourself and think about things.

13:28: In music library after class, “fiending for” another Red Bull. On Indigo’s website, seems like they’re just definitively not gonna stock Megan Boyle’s Liveblog… So disappointing… But, they do have copies of the The Disaster Artist book. Don’t want to start practicing yet, for some reason practicing before, like, 15h or 16h in the practice rooms usually puts me in a crappy mood? I love practicing early in the morning if I’m alone, and there’s like a nice window and I have my coffee and there’s morning frost everywhere and I can sort of see my breath in the room. That’s fricken sweet. But if I’m put into a cage with six pianists on either side of me and it’s the morning, gosh, seriously, just so bad??? Almost “disgusting,” even. So instead of starting to practice now I’m gonna head to Indigo, read through part of the book, then think really, really, REALLY hard if I wanna drop twenty bucks on buying the thing. I really want to, but I might have to wait until next month to do so… Really don’t want to, but don’t really have much of a choice. Can’t even “pick up” more work shifts, as there aren’t many concerts this time of the year, but really “can’t complain” about money situation, either. “Feel thankful,” I’m thinking. Yeah, I am thankful, I am!!

13:57: Taking the short “trek” to Indigo bookstore. Listening to Ghost and Let’s Eat Grandma.

14:46: Mission accomplished. Bought The Disaster Artist. Was chatting with [removed] about the movie and they said they didn’t really enjoy it, also that it was problematic because a lot of Tommy Wiseau’s misogyny was skipped over and not addressed. Going to be “very aware” of this while I make my way through the book, “very excited” to “get into it.” Spent, actually, a bit shorter in Indigo than I had anticipated; I was simultaneously checking out the book The Artist’s Way that Alli had recommended to me, saying that I’d probably really enjoy it and that it was really beneficial. It seems like a self-help book centered around artistic creative recovery/rediscovering or discovering new ways of harnessing your innate creativity. Sat in my usual corner by the fantasy novels way in the back to read the beginnings of each one, and while reading The Disaster Artist this employee walks up to me and is like, “sir, I have a seat for you,” so I stand hurriedly, being like, “oh wow, okay, thanks,” and she leads me to this cushioned seat with an amazing view, and I’m thinking, real sheepishly, like, “oh my gosh, what did I do to merit this sort of treatment,” and thanked the employee, who nodded and walked away. Was like, “this right here, this is ‘real customer service.’” Settled into comfy cushioney seat to read.

Was honestly really difficult to choose between the two books. I feel like the final “nail in the coffin” for The Artist’s Way was that I didn’t think I had the right personality for self-help books. Not in, like, a stubborn, self-aggrandizing way, I hope, I don’t look down on them at all, I mean, I own How to Win Friends and Influence People, I like them, I just find that they’re written for a different demographic than I’m a part of. Usually their tactics/methods of self-improving run almost perpendicularly to my own, and if I try their methods, I almost always end up less happy and less fulfilled than before, whereas if I just “do that my body tells me to do,” I almost always end up feeling better. Feel like I’ll improve, personally, more from reading about the details of Tommy Wiseau and The Room than I will from this book. Will still read The Artist’s Way, though, gonna find a PDF of it and start the program, just don’t want to spend fifty bucks on books right now.

Going to head to the practice rooms now, feeling good about “throwing down” twenty dollars on a book rather whimsically. Feels like I’m “investing in my future” in a concrete way, like, “this is a book that you’ll internalize, that will lead to a definitive positive impact on your future life.” Eager to chart the effect this book has, expect a “George Book Review” soon. Maybe I’ll start up my podcast, too?? I used to do this “George’s Book Club” podcast, stopped doing it really early out of lack of time/effort, it was a lot of fun though, I’m gonna consider starting it up… Only, like, an hour-a-week obligation, seems insane that I wouldn’t have time to continue it, just need to “put in the effort.”

15:00: Making an impromptu pit stop at Vinh’s, the Vietnamese cafe in the music cafeteria. It features pho soup and banh mi sandwiches, and other “treats.” Gonna get a “Vinh’s Classic,” the cheapest sandwich, which has cold cuts in it, as opposed to “better things,” like barbecue pork, or grilled chicken.

Lady at cash register accidentally mis-scanned can of Coca Cola that I impulsively chose to buy. I was standing in frnot of the fridge with all the cans of pop and I was like, “I’m spending way too much money, I shouldn’t get a pop, it’s also just… expensive… and unhealthy… Why are you doing this to yourself, no, stop,” then just found myself reaching for a can anyways. Seems like a good sign that she mis-scanned the coke and didn’t notice, I didn’t have to pay for it, got the sandwich and drink for under $6. Internally high-fiving myself right now.

15:02: Got a real good room today! I’m being so spoiled. The piano in this one has a really reactive response, it’s super easy to get it to project, unlike a lot of the other pianos on the floor. Gonna make for an easier practice session, gonna take this sandwich “to my face” as fast as possible and then “dig into” some Alkan and Thalberg.

17:02: Received e-mail notification on phone, the McGill library’s copy of Liveblog is here!! I was expecting it to arrive a lot later, I submitted the acquisition request really recently, and they replied quickly, saying they had decided to purchase a copy, and would e-mail me when it had arrived, but I didn’t anticipate that it would arrive before a copy of Knausgaard’s My Struggle: Volume 6, which still somehow isn’t in the system yet??? Maybe there’s been a glitch, or something, My Struggle has been out for a month longer than Liveblog and it’s been on McGill’s acquisition list for even longer than that. Will have to look into this, will “keep you posted”...

Gonna stop my practicing today here, only two hours, but it was a really intense practice session. Was “singing along” around 60% of the time, played through Alkan, Thalberg, some Mozart, then “messed around” with some other Alkan etudes, and a bit of Prokofiev’s second piano concerto. WAsn’t the most “work-heavy” of practice sessions, but I still feel like I “got what I needed to get done, done.” Want to go to McLennan before work at 18h30 and pick up a physical copy of Liveblog, finally, FINALLY!! I’M SO EXCITED!! TO READ!! IT!! It’s going to take a long time, it’s over seven-hundred pages long, but I’m so into it a hundred pages in, that’s already 1/7 of the book, the rest of it will take no time, right???

Saw Megan Boyle comment something on a mutual writer friend’s Facebook status, only remembering this now.

17:24: Picked up the book from the reserves room, sitting in the lobby of the new music building reading it in the horu I have before work. It’s a lot more substantial, physically, than in my head, like, I knew it was a pretty long book, but I didn’t expect it to feel this dense. The cover and back are also slightly, like, pastel-hued? I’m not going to be able to describe it very well, I was just expecting it to be completely black and white, but now it really, really reminds me of the cover of Taipei, which is funny because the author’s photo on the back of Liveblog was taken by Tao Lin. Seems like these two novels could really be considered “sister novels” for a variety of reasons, like, they cover a similar time period, they feature many of the same people, they’re about a similar period of life in both author’s lives, Megan and Tao were engaged, etc. etc. The cover also has this really pleasing texture to it, like, it feels so good to run your hand over it. It’s one of my favourite cover designs, still not as good in my opinion as Tao Lin’s Richard Yates or Taipei, or the Farrar, Straus and Giroux editions of Knausgaard’s My Struggle, but it’s definitely up there. I think it just doesn’t really fit the material of the novel as well as Taipei’s cover, I mean, the covers look so similar they could’ve been swapped (though oh god Taipei with the cover design of Liveblog would’ve been so much worse than the fluorescent, shimmering letters it actually has), but the cover of Taipei matches up so well with the information the novel presents it’s unbelievable.

Okay sorry for this rambling, meandering conversation on book covers wow. “Settling into” Liveblog again, find myself consistently laughing and grinning wildly at Megan’s observations. Really enjoy the way she perceives things, wish I have the opportunity to “sit down and talk with her” one day, assuming she’d want to talk to me.

17:57: Boss texted me, asking if I could actually help him out at Redpath hall with moving something heavy. Gonna have to “pack it in” early and head over, it’s only a five minute walk or so. I like working with him, he’s a “great guy,” feel like I’m using that phrase correctly? Like, if I was in a movie right now, and I was speaking to a friend, I’d be like, “my boss, yeah, yeah, he’s a real great guy, he’s ‘one of the good ones.’” Blasting Ghost through headphones while heading over.

A summary of the events in Redpath:

-Got to the hall, went to boss’ office adjacent to backstage. Made pleasant conversation with him for around fifteen minutes while we waited for the rehearsal to be over. Usually I don’t make much conversation with him, not because I don’t want to, but I don’t usually have anything I want to “bring up” or “say” to most people, even if I like them. Today was, like, egregiously easy to make conversation, for some reason, maybe a result that I’ve been in a consistently good mood of late?? He also seemed “in high spirits.”

-Rehearsal ended, took pair of work gloves that boss then deemed the “sick gloves,” and that he wouldn’t touch the gloves again, stated in a humorous tone of voice. Walked with boss on stage, saw Poppy on harpsichord, said, “oh hey, it’s Poppy!” Spoke for a few seconds with her, told her I was here working, that I was just moving something heavy.

-Got two other musicians from rehearsal to help us, one whose name I forget, and Eliana (not sure if I’m spelling this right????), a cellist that I’ve had a few classes with over the years. Feel like Eliana is grouped with “people I’ll voluntarily make eye contact with and smile to,” one of the closest groups of people in my mind to “friends,” probably feel similarly to this group of people as most other people feel towards their actual friends, maybe?? Feel like, because I barely speak to anyone, and “hang out” with even fewer people, as a result, a ridiculous majority of my interactions with people are peripheral, voluntarily, so, to me, if I even feel comfortable smiling to someone or waving at them while passing them, that’s, like, to me, a “big deal”??

-Boss slid box with electric organ in it into hall, four of us hoisted the box up onto stage

-Went back to Boss’ office, chatted for a couple more minutes, he signed my time sheet, wished each other a good evening

-Stepped out of hall, put backpack down on floor to put on headphones and start blasting Ghost again before walking back to Tanna Hall

Was doing this weird thing with my neck while walking to Tanna, entirely unsure why I was doing it, other than it “felt good” to do, was just sort of craning my head back, then shaking it back and forth sort of like people do in the shower? Felt “amazing” to do this, have no idea why. Felt my adrenal glands firing away, as result of Ghost pounding through headphones. Picturing the live shows of Ghost I’ve seen on YouTube in my head while walking, not feeling the cold temperature at all.

18:54: “Settled in” for work, backstage.

19:34: Jazz concert tonight, which are always just a lot more casual than classical concerts, meaning I really don’t have anything to do other than sit back here and hit record, also that I need to clear the stage once the concert is over, but, gonna be a “real chill one” tonight, folks. Gonna read Liveblog while idly listening to the concert. Here’s a view of my “workplace environment”:

19:41: Not really “into” the music in this concert so far. Wow why am I even writing this, why is my opinion on this at all important? NO WAIt this is MY liveblog I’m gonna run it HOW I WANT and I’m GIVING MY OPINION. On page 97 of Megan’s Liveblog, gonna try to “make a huge dent in it” right now, finding myself increasingly engrossed.

20:04: Spent a bit too long “perusing” the free and for sale page for McGill on Facebook. NEver ceases to astound me how expensive some of the stuff being sold is… Also kind of got “sucked into” the endless hellhole of Instagram, spent like 15 minutes just scrolling through it. Got some great memes out of it, I guess? Gonna go pee now, then return to Liveblog. (Guess what? The concert isn’t getting better either.)

Feel like buying beer tonight. Usually don’t drink on weeknights, but feeling like some beer tonight, feels like a “good way to end the day,” like, it feels satisfying to buy some beer on the walk home after work. That sounds so official. “I’m having a few beers after my work shift ends. I’m having a few beers after work. Yeah, man, just having a few drinks after work. Just gonna throw back a few after work, wanna join? Hey, hey, you wanna hit up a bar after work? Yo, wanna come get some drinks with us after work?”

20:55: Feeling increasingly annoyed that this concert is still, somehow, inconceivably, unstoppably still going on?? Someone needs to put a stop to this, it’s almost nine, if this runs over their scheduled time slot I’m going to be... miffed... Gonna be real miffed about this... Just let me go home, I mean, I like staying here late so stay as long as you want, but, like, oh oh--!! OH OKAY THEY’RE ENDING NOW OKAY sick wow sorry for the rant wow jeez okay

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[cywscross]

Do you have any FF7 fics to recommend? As many as you'd like, I'll probably read them all, be it 1 or 20.

I haven’t really read any new ones recently so any I can rec are probably already in my FF fic rec tag. That being said, I’ll post some of my favourites here for ppl to enjoy :)

Basically everything by esama. Their fics are what got me into the fandom in the first place.

The Little Guy by TokiMirage

The last thing Cloud wants, when given the chance, is to do it all over again. Instead, he chooses the normal life. After all, a Janitor could never save the world. But… well, it all starts with the General’s coffee machine.

Old Soldiers Never Die by Shadowblayze

….they just fade away.

Cloud is stuck in the Midgar Slums. A disabled vet easily cast aside by the company he fought, bled, and nearly died for.

Struggling to keep his head above water in a place that is callously indifferent to his broken body, his damaged mind, and his bleeding soul is an hour-by-hour struggle.

Yet no matter how dark things get, Cloud is still Cloud. Still the kind boy that chased after a girl he barely knew and tried to save her from herself.

But everyone needs a bit of help sometimes. Is there anyone left who can save Cloud?

Dishonorable Discharge by icynovas

Seeking a new career, infantryman Cloud Strife attempts to get fired from ShinRa.

Ragnarok by venatori

When Shinra is attacked by an unknown enemy, Private Cloud Strife gets roped into acting as an ambassador for the Company.

Or, the story of how Cloud Strife is actually a Viking.

It All Started On A Train Ride by zxrysky

Lazard, the bastard, forced this job onto innocent, wide-eyed Cloud while on the train to Midgard. All the boy ever wanted was to go to Midgar and join SOLDIER, hopefully meet Sephiroth and the other SOLDIER First Class, and live life happily as a SOLDIER and send money back to his mother.

Instead, he got a job pushed onto him, and now he has to deal with a LOT more than what he expected. He was trying to join SOLDIER as an actual SOLDIER, goddammit, not as the Director of SOLDIER.

Cloud didn’t know whether he should feel appalled, amused, or delighted.

At least he still got to meet Sephiroth.

Everything by Sinnatious (scroll down to FFVII, this was the only place I could find all of their fics), also one of my first and favourite FF7 authors.

Two of a kind by Winds of time

Six years old Cloud Strife was only minding his own business, but randomly getting an older brother was kind of awesome. Even if he now lived inside his head and claimed his name was Cloud Strife too.

Once More, With Feeling by Illusor Meaneld (my very first FF7 fanfic, even before esama’s; I had no idea what was going on and still powered through with wiki because it was that good)

If you could start your life over, knowing how things could turn out, what would you do differently? Cloud is offered this chance, and tries to change the future, but he quickly discovers that fate and destiny play a high stakes game.

Strife-Sensei byfringeperson (FF7xNaruto)

Team Seven is given a very different teacher, and of course, he has a very different approach to teaching. This in turn will turn them into very different shinobi.

Double the Strife byfringeperson

Zack knew Cloud better than anyone, no matter what Aerith said. It was a guy thing. So when Zack suggested a plan that was intended for his own benefit as much as preventing the whole ‘rocks fall, people die’ bit… Well, he agreed.

Secretary to the Generals byfringeperson

Cloud realised that joining SOLDIER wouldn’t get him close to his heroes or in a position to help them for a Very Long Time. He found another way to be of assistance.

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ “What the hell is a Kankri?” Wiz Lalonde, prior to realizing a Mista k e

part one of Wiz/Kankri logs from yesterday and today ]]

valorousimperial Mm........ I don't understand.

wiz-texts um im sorry i think u have th wrong account who r u??? u seem confused bout somethin i hope u get in contact w th person ur tryin to reach they prolly got th answers ur lookin fr

valorousimperial I don't think anyone has the answers I'm looking for. They died with your memory of me. Enjoy that unmarked body.

wiz-texts wait. what??? im sorry i dont kno who u r also i havent posted *nothin* bout an unmarked body how th fuck do u kno bout that????

valorousimperial Well, up to last light, we WERE quadranted. I've seen you naked a few times.

wiz-texts okay..... that is bullshit, n u r confused. i may have bad memory but not *that* bad

valorousimperial Wiz Lalonde you cannot possibly have forgotten the stipulations of the deal you made.

valorousimperial ...I'm Kankri.

wiz-texts ...i forgot you i. how could i have im so sorry i dont understand whats happenin

valorousimperial Makes two of us.

wiz-texts im so sorry no that. that prolly dont mean shit. fuck.

valorousimperial ... Not really. No.

wiz-texts Lilac n Red are tellin me not to run away, n i wont, but this is your home im in, apparently

valorousimperial A couple of nights ago, it was your home, too.

wiz-texts i wont stay here if you dont want me to. after what i jus did... fuck, i wouldnt blame you one second for tellin me to leave

wiz-texts ...it still feels like it is

wiz-texts i, im sorry. ill keep my thoughts to myself do.... do you want me to go?

valorousimperial No I'm glad this is still your home

valorousimperial Everyone keeps telling me this will... Get better. I don't know how. But it won't happen if I make you leave.

wiz-texts theyre tellin me that too i dont see how

wiz-texts im so sorry. im so sorry for hurtin you. im so sorry for all of this i wish i could give you th answers and i wish i could make everythin better im sorry

valorousimperial It hurts

[[ Hours In The Future, But Not Many... ]]

valorousimperial Anyway, I thought you should know that those are my teeth.

wiz-texts *fuck* im im sorry i kept holdin it because it felt nice should i not..?????? im sorry

valorousimperial No it

valorousimperial Actually Really comforts me to hear that You did that before. When you were stressed.

wiz-texts i did...? it does feel nice. anchorin but what i did, i shouldnt......

valorousimperial It's fine.

wiz-texts doesnt seem that way fuck, i. am i supposed to talk to you? not talk to you???? i dont know

wiz-texts i dont want to keep hurtin you more than i have...

valorousimperial I I don't know what's fine and not fine

valorousimperial I know I'm selfish and awful and if there's one scar left on you and I made it, if you keep holding it because it makes you feel better, if you don't recoil from it just for existing, then Then they can't have taken everything about me from you.

wiz-texts i..... i think i like it, actually

valorousimperial ??

wiz-texts i like how it looks, n feels. it's got these sorta... ridges?? th dents from th teeth are fun to trace my fingers over is..... is that okay for me to say??? is *any* of this okay gosh i dunno....

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts yes??

valorousimperial I think a lot of things aren't okay. But this is. This is This is them failing. This is them not taking us away from each other. This is good.

valorousimperial I guess that we have to meet one another again.

valorousimperial [[ oh shit it’s dat beautiful boi.jpg aka mun sent an actual picture but i’m being a dork ]] This is me, I'm a troll. Which you had probably figured out.

wiz-texts yea no offense but im in your palace, id be a little concerned if you werent a troll ha youre..... youre really pretty n i have a confession, ive already seen this picture

valorousimperial This is the whole picture!! And it's not tiny!! I like to think that I'm pretty, I'm glad you do, too.

wiz-texts because i went through all the tags and message history like..... five or six times already nothin came back. im sorry

valorousimperial ... Oh, I Didn't figure it would But I'm glad you tried.

wiz-texts i wanted to try. wanted to see if i could feel..... *somethin* like memory

valorousimperial I assume there's not even a sense of deja vu.

wiz-texts it feels different. ive forgotten a lot of things n those are all fuzzy, its like..... like my brain is swamped in a fog

wiz-texts this, though, it dont feel fuzzy it feels like its just been..... scooped right outta my brain. cant remember what isnt there anymore, right

valorousimperial Right I don't begrudge you that. I begrudge you WHY it's gone. But not that it is.

wiz-texts there is some kinda feelin but i dont know if thats because of my guilt or nah. great mystery right there.....

wiz-texts not deja vu. somethin else

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts like..... shucks, i dunno how to word it

wiz-texts .....

wiz-texts heck

valorousimperial The best you can do works for me.

wiz-texts i. i dont know, i.... feel like maybe its out of line?? too soon???? im just... lookin at things and thinkin n searchin until things go blurry

valorousimperial It's never too soon for you to take comfort in things. You and I, We'll just Play it by ear, right? And maybe things can work again. Do you maybe want to play a questions game?

wiz-texts i aint.... exactly takin comfort in it i dont think???

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts it. mm. th thing i keep feelin goin through th tags ......because im a stubborn fuck n starin at everythin for. i think this is my fourteenth time through th whole thing

wiz-texts it aint deja vu but its like......... somethin of me *does* know you???? not a memory but. somethin .........

valorousimperial Well This is the part where you intimately relearn my penchant for dirty jokes, I guess But I bet I can guess what part of you remembers me...

wiz-texts ....you actually got me to laugh there sounded more like this wheezin sorta thing but thats what it was

valorousimperial Pfft.

wiz-texts but no its like... ppl talk bout butterflies in their stomachs, when they like someone, right???? its like that i guess

valorousimperial !!!!

wiz-texts except its more in my chest n it feels like..... a knot??? a knot gettin pulled tighter n tighter n then i get overwhelmed n i cry but i dont. know if thats good or bad it feels good AND bad if that makes any sense i dunno....... i dunno

valorousimperial Less !!!! Butt still at least !

wiz-texts why????

valorousimperial I just I want you to feel things about me.

wiz-texts i do too i want to feel *all* th things bout you, i want to feel everythin i did before n like add a whole bunch more on top to. to make up for this if you want me to if you dont thats... thats okay. rly its your decision

valorousimperial I don't know

valorousimperial I'm

wiz-texts .....obviously i already made mine. ha....

valorousimperial I'm really fucked up about this.

wiz-texts i know. im sorry i shouldnt have said that

valorousimperial ...yes. You did make your decision. But you had to have had a reason. Because all this... Getting rid of the hated scars, and leaving mine behind The fluttering and the tightness in you when you look at who we were together

wiz-texts im blurtin out everythin that comes into my head, ill....... ill stop. i shouldnt be doin this to you. i shouldnt its gotta be hurtin you n i dont want that

valorousimperial WANTING to have what we did again You clearly don't hate me, or my memory. So you You had to have had a reason.

wiz-texts ..... yea but i... i cant begin to understand it. i remember how much i hated th scars but...... it doesnt make sense. ive been tryin all night n it doesnt make sense

valorousimperial ?

valorousimperial All night? Like, all of all night? Did you get a nap? Did you focus on something else?

wiz-texts not...... really......

valorousimperial !! Are you very tired?

wiz-texts dunno? dunno ???????? um

valorousimperial You used to get really very exhausted Easily.

wiz-texts i have been picked up by a judgin troll lady

valorousimperial ?????

wiz-texts Lilac keeps. voodooin ppl in here i kinda barricaded th door n hid away for a little so i could think

valorousimperial He's a good clown.

wiz-texts um. it seems that was a while ago. breakfast time????? what time is it now i dont think im exhausted but its hard to tell so. oh well

valorousimperial You haven't eaten AT ALL? Oh, Wiz, no No, don't do that.

wiz-texts i forgot. didnt feel hungry or much of anything else tbh scold Keeune too he's been awake since his shift last light wtf

valorousimperial Keeune is attached to you and doing much what I would if I found out you were mysteriously sick.

wiz-texts im not? sick?????

valorousimperial In a way.

wiz-texts ....oh

wiz-texts um

wiz-texts you should go to sleep. i wouldnt wanna keep you when your moirail is waitin

valorousimperial No, I'm okay.

wiz-texts mm......

valorousimperial Let's play the questions game. What's your favorite color?

valorousimperial Oh, I didn't see his post

wiz-texts ha. yea thats what i meant

valorousimperial He's so drowsy. He'll fall asleep any minute.

wiz-texts u should go to him though!!

valorousimperial I'm with him.

wiz-texts then like.... go to sleep???

wiz-texts [[ wiz, internally: give attention to your real quad..... ]]

valorousimperial What’s your favorite color?

[bigbrotherorre]

EPISODE SIX: “IF ONE MORE PERSON TRIES TO BUILD THE PEACE IN THIS HOUSE I'M GOING TO THROW THEM THROUGH THE CLOSEST POSSIBLE WINDOW” - ALIVIA HOH: SAMMY EVICTED: RANDY - 7 TO 4

So... as expected Ricky went and I'm in mourning. I love Ricky SOO much! with my WHOLE hort. Otherwise, this HoH comp is AWFUL, everyone is gonna be FIGHTING. For this week, I would like a Bryce/Jose HoH because I think I'd be safe and because they'd go after Blake/Alivia/Lynn. HOWEVER, then next week, I'd like Alivia to win HoH and get Randy out because I do NOT trust Randy. Basically, provided I can get past this week with all the messy twists... I feel cautiously optimistic? Like I'm playing both sides and hopefully that'll work to my advantage? Eek we will seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Another day another lost comp

SO, tea time with Ali! Except... not really. I'm literally about to set a BB Pokemon record because it is literally week 6 and I'm in 0 ALLIANCES. This is a MESSY MESS MESS. I wanna be in alliances, I want safety. Meanwhile, conspiracy corner... John was given the Jigglypuff, he didn't play it. The phrasing on the wiki & the posts were all.... off. I think Randy gave it to him, but I also feel like everything sketchy that happens is.... by Randy. Like I think Randy is the bot, and Randy is being this cracked mess... According to Sammy at least, the bot is now sending fake screenshots? WHAT KIND OF CRACKED JUJU IS THIS. I dont love this at all asjlkdfa In other news, Bryce & Jose _will_ be this season's F2 and I will not accept otherwise. Bryce is such a solid ally, like he is so sane, so nice, so good. Jose is the love of my life lkjafdsa, he is SO SWEET. like a good, wholesome boy right there is Jose. I LOVE THEM BOTH, THOSE ARE MY BOYS. I am a feminist, but I will convert to meninism if it means my faves make F2. ANYWHOMST. I love the hosts, Dennis added me to his Havana host chat and idk why he did that, since he _totally_ lays out his strategy in that... why did he do that, I am always booboo the fool but he can take that title from me for today. and thats how sue sees it, bye for now woooooooooooooooo!

I think I'm going home this week and I'm really worried. Like really worried, I've played badly and I'm now really expendable, and people are gonna send me home i literally spent a total of like 6 hours prepping for veto and I still screwed it up. I got 9 songs in like 7 minutes, but it took me like 30 more to find the last one ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (unfaithful by rihanna will literally be my downfall). I'm really scared. I think I would have Autumn & Jose's votes, but against Ashvika I think thats when it dries up askjldfa. I'm really really scared, I'm not ready to go home, I am such a bad player :( I don't even feel like Bryce is in my corner anymore, and I think Autumn could keep Ashvika like except for Jose I feel so alone :( I love Jose so much, I'm so lucky to have him in this game with me, but I'm also so scared :( I'm not ready to go home :( But I've let myself down and played badly.

Can y'all believe my son Samuel future nominated me and I get to sit here in peace? Maybe we're related after all I'm so used to being nominated it doesn't even phase me. Like I forget that you can actually go home because I.... can't relate. People are freeeaaking the fuck out and I'm just chilling, knowing my ass is immune and that my silver power of veto will snatch wigs. So to pass the time I'm currently on call with my new alliance, Jose and Ali, and Ali is legit shitting himself I feel terrible. But like it's fine cause I pulled him off, he just doesn't know yet. I'm honestly just ecstatic that everyone I love is gonna be safe- me, Sammy, Ash, Ali, John. I really just need Jose to not get nominated and then this streak of ugly weeks will come to an end wooooo

im just... not a fan of ppl  SJDJHFSJDK everyone has such annoying ideas and im like... u do u but maybe dont!! Everyone keeps having opinions that are different than mine??? like cut it out. dennis cant literally do the bare minimum and not come across as sketchy for 1 second, and he also cant campaign to stay apparently??? hes a lot to deal with. and then randy is coming at me/sammy/zeezo and trying to seem smart for doing so, like wow you got us! go home maybe!! alivia has been very volatile all week and i have to deal with it. and ali is snapping because he thinks he would have gone home which i hope wouldnt have happened but i also dont know b/c theres an assumption that he isnt playing the game b/c hes vague and he might have went home because of it. but now he is being vague again and i think its prob b/c randy is campaigniing to him and trying to paint me/zeezo/sammy as a trio. when honestly we arent even.. theyre like a duo and im there!! also im a lynn warrior but we never talk so its awk. and also ali ratted to randy that if he wants to stay he needs LAB's vote and now alivia is mad he brought her name up and ugh ppl are doing so MUCH. also dennis just msg'd me like do i have ur vote?? who's voting me. MAYBE TALK TO PPL MORE AND NOT BE SKETCHY AND I WOULDNT HAVE TO BE THE MIDDLE MAN.

[ONE HOUR LATER]

omg..  i didnt mean those mean words. i love everyone in this cast. ali is so nice and trustworthy. alivia is feisty and full of energy, always keeping the game fun. dennis is actually like real fun to talk to and always feigns interest in w/e im saying (EXCEPT WHEN HE LIED ABOUT NOT HAVING LEGALLY BLONDE ON NETFLIX WHEN I KNOW HE DID). And randy has made this game so exciting!!!

[ONE HOUR LATER]

I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT ALI. HE IS FAKE FAKE FAKE SO FAKE FAKE FAKE. SAYS HE DOESNT KNOW WHOS HE VOTING AND CAMPAIGNS TO KEEP RANDY AND DUMB DUMB DUMB  JOSE FALLS FOR IT. IF RANDY STAYS IM SCREAMING

[30 MINUTES LATER]

i am so sad for randy he really wanted this and dennis is kind of ugh to work with but randy was just too scary. he had the best exit so far tho and ill miss him so much. ALI CHOKE AHAHHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT!! ALIGNING ALL THE FLOATERS NOPE!!! TRY AGAIN.  I LOVE ALI BUT I WAS LITERALLY SCREAMING B/C LIKE 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE VOTE ZEEZO IS LIKE DONT TELL ANYONE BUT ALI CONVINCED JOSE TO VOTE DENNIS OUT. SIDE NOTE i love john!!! he is so nice and ratted jose out like wig!!

woo okay soooo i haven’t been able to make one of these in awhile cause I’m on vacation so i apologize if this is long....so to sum up everything I won hoh with the help of zeezo and Bryce. I had to nom ali and ashvika because i knew it wouldn’t cause that much drama. Then....they both got taken off so I nommed Dennis and Randy. I wanted randy gone from the getgo because he is very smart and sneaky. I’m pretty sure he was behind the Nicolas Julia account as well which really made me upset. He also never responded to me but would tell ppl to pm him and yeah. Other than that, the conversations i did have with him were great, and he’s super nice and even made me the birthday video. I just wasn’t too close with him. I just made up a random excuse for Dennis because I had to hide the fact I’m in an alliance with Kat and Jose but also zeezo and Bryce. and alivia and John couldn’t have been nommed....so if i had to make another nomination it would’ve been Lynn and Bryce....so that would’ve been very very bad for me because like I’m also close to blake so i can’t nom him. Anyway randy was crying on call and it made me super super sad and i felt like a bad Person so i was like wow:/ I have to decide which alliance I’m gonna choose but it might be zeezo and Bryce because like Jose and Kat don’t tell me everything and don’t like agree with me about votes and i think ali autumn Jose and Kat voted Dennis. Idk I’m just so done haha 

if one more person tries to build the peace in this house i'm going to throw them through the closest possible window. i honestly feel like ali and dennis might have accidentally stumbled into the wrong game bc this is bb pokemon not whatever snowflake athena series you probably came from. i've tried to help ali throughout this game and explain to him that this isn't some summer camp where you braid each other's hair and make friendship bracelets but the kid just doesn't get it. i give up, and i think we need to focus on getting all the snowflakes and fatties out of this house as soon as possible. right now in the game i think that i might actually be in a pretty okay place. the house seems to be pretty divided vote after vote. there's the scammers, bryce, ashvika, sammy, and zeezo vs. the fatties: jose, john, ali, kat, and autumn. and as of now we outweigh the other house so we have a pretty good unofficially aligned group going here so hopefully we can keep that going!

CAST ASSESSMENT

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here