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sprnklersplashes · 4 years ago

Text

heart of stone (12/?)

AO3

Cady waits until she’s on the bus home before she lets the smile drop from her face. Her cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, and they’re not the only thing that hurt.

She wants to not have a problem with this. More than anything. She wants to pretend that she can’t see any difference, or that she’s not affected by this. But she is, and she feels terrible for it. That’s why she spent so much time preparing herself for it. While Janis spent her first night in hospital, she was spending hours researching, calculating the possibility of her hair falling out and coming to the conclusion that the odds were stalked against her. That was the first time she had truly hated math. But Janis’ hair was going to fall out, and so Cady had tried to prepare for it as much as she could; telling herself over and over again that Janis’ looks don’t matter, trying not to spend too long looking at her head. She had even started searching up pictures of cancer patients and looking at them. Not in a creepy way, or at least she had hoped it wasn’t creepy, just to prepare herself for the inevitable.

But as it turns out, nothing could have prepared her for seeing Janis without her hair. The hair she loved running her fingers through and braiding and playing with. The hair that was one of the first things she had noticed about her; a dual-coloured lion’s mane.

She wishes that the first thing she had thought when she saw those photos was ‘I hope Janis is okay’. That she had first thought about her, rather than her own feelings. Rather than what actually happened; her phone almost falling from her hands, her struggling to catch her breath. She wishes and wishes she were perfectly fine with this, and that she and Janis were going on like nothing was happening.

She’s not, and she must be the worst person in the world.

“Hi, Binti,” her mom greets as she steps into the kitchen, her cheeks still cold from outside. She’s at the counter, pan on the stove and veggies being chopped. Or they were. They’ve taken a backseat as her mom looks at her, all wide eyes and downturned mouth. “How’s Janis?”

“She’s fine,” she replies. She pulls her jacket tighter around her as a lump forms in her throat. “You know. Fine as she can be.” The image of Janis crumpling in on herself in the park flashes through her mind and she tenses. As does the image of her poor, hairless head. “She’s okay.”

“Oh, that poor girl,” her mom sighs. Cady nods, her lips tightly closed and her arms crossed over her chest, fingers digging into her jacket. Her mom leaves the dinner aside and approaches her, placing her own hands on her shoulders. Are you okay?”

“Me?” she echoes. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because this is difficult for you,” her mom goes on. You can say that again, she thinks. “And I just think you should be able to talk to us.”

Cady winces at that. She knows her mom is probably thinking about last year; when she kept everything from her, lied to them, became something she wasn’t. If she wasn’t feeling shitty about herself before, she sure as hell is now.

“Well, I’m fine,” she says. “You know, given the circumstances.” She swallows thickly. “I miss her. I miss having her in school and stuff.”

“Oh, I know baby.” Her mom folds her in a tight hug, letting Cady rest her chin on her shoulder. There, in that brief moment of privacy, Cady can feel as much as she needs to. It’s a rush, but it’s a relieving one. “I know how much she means to you. I know it kills you not seeing her.”

Kills her not seeing her. Also kills her seeing her. But she’s not getting into that now. She can’t. The former hurts far more than the latter does, though.

“Hey, what’s for dinner?” Cady asks, blinking her tears away before they get serious. Her mom eyes her, knowing she’s holding something back, but she doesn’t press her.

“Oh, I got this lamb curry recipe from a magazine,” she explains. “Thought I’d give it a shot. Here, tell me what you think…”

She hands Cady a spoon and lets her taste it.

“Oh that’s good, Mom,” she says. “Need any help?”

“Oh, that’d be lovely sweetheart,” her mom chirps. “Well, we’re nearly done, but if you could keep an eye on that rice-”

As they finish up dinner and start serving it out, Cady diverts the subject to work, listening attentively to her mom talking about her latest lecture series, telling her all about the different species of fish in Kenya, reminding her of those times they spent near rivers cataloguing them when she was small. It’s a subject that Cady is genuinely fascinated by; anything involving animals or Kenya is. While most teenagers probably couldn’t care less about the work their parents do, hearing her mom’s stories about teaching at Northwestern or her dad’s latest research excites Cady in a way few other things can. So she gives them her full attention and refuses to let her mind go anywhere else.

She runs up to her room after dinner, hoping she can pick up where she left off. When Janis and Damian showed up, they had actually interrupted her homework. She made an exception for them, obviously, but now it’s back to the grind. She’s done her research on her dream schools and she dares say she could rival her father in that regard, and the grades they’re demanding are tough. Really tough, even with her AP classes. She’s kept on top of everything so far this year, never dipping below a 90 in calculus, but she’s only a month in.

And it’s not just grades that colleges are concerning themselves with. They’re all eager for extra curriculars. At least the Mathletes provide a good basis for that-

“Oh, crap,” she mutters. She opens a drawer and pulls out her Mathlete folder, looking through the schedule she had made for it. She sighs when she sees she’s more or less on top of that too, although she makes a note in her planner to make a start on training the freshman teams for their competition in November.

“Okay,” she says. She pulls her hair into a ponytail and leans back in her chair. She has it all under control, really. Between Mathletes and tutoring, she’s taken on as much as she can right now. She has thought of volunteering behind the scenes in the musical, partly to hang out with Damian, but also because they must need the extra hands, what with Janis being unavailable.

She suddenly sits forward again, hunched over her work. Her cold fingers pick at her nails, tearing pieces off and letting them drop on the carpet. She squirms in the chair, suddenly too restless to sit still. The numbers on the pages and lines in her notes become meaningless to her, her mind overrun with Janis and Janis and cancer and Janis and her hair and Janis.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes tight.

“We’re not doing that,” she whispers.

She shakes her head and pulls her textbook towards her, her breathing getting slower and deeper, her go to tactic to straighten her mind out. She makes a start on the chapter, her eyes going back to the beginning again and again until she can focus properly, pushing her worries to the corner of her mind. Janis always says her art calms her worries, helps her forget the world, and Damian says the same for theatre.

People can say what they like, but math has always been Cady’s art.

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Going back to the hospital is always going to be tough and Janis has resigned herself to that. Her weeks at home are still far from perfect, but if she’s going to be half-comatose, she can at least do it in her bed with her dog. At least she doesn’t have to wait until the end of the week for her friends to come around. Every time she goes back to the hospital, she’s reminded that this isn’t over, even if another two weeks are behind her. She gets to spend another two weeks with an IV in her arm and watching the people she loves through a phone screen. No matter how nice the staff try to make her stay it’s a reminder of what’s still happening to her.

So yeah, going back to the hospital is hard. But this week, with this recent development, it’s even harder.

She lets her mom hold her bag as they ride up in the elevator, Janis staring straight ahead of her and hoping for it to suddenly break. She used to be terrified of that happening, but this is a new reality and the swiftness with which it moves only makes her more nervous.

It’s not that she’s worried about anyone judging her. Hell, most of the people here would be in a position to do that and the others would be going against their jobs if they did. It’s not ridicule she’s worried about; it’s the opposite. All that unconditional, unwavering, inescapable love and support. She’s never been good with emotions, her style of communication isn’t suited to everyone, and that’s doubled when it comes to hospital stuff. People fawning all over her, asking if she’s okay, wanting every detail of her life. It’s almost even worse than ridicule. At least if they were being intentional assholes she’d have an actual valid reason to dislike it. But no, this is nothing more than her being stupidly awkward about everything.

“You okay?” her mom asks when the elevator comes to a stop. Maybe her wish is coming true, or not, since the floor number is sitting in bright red letters on the wall. Janis nods and releases her teeth’s hold on her cheek.

“Fine,” she says. Her mom nods, disbelief written over her face, and presses the button to open the doors. She steps out and Janis takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders, and follows her.

The lobby isn’t any more or less busy than it was last time. There’s more staff than patients; doctors and nurses running around in white coats and uniforms carrying forms or pushing carts around, the secretary sipping coffee and typing at twice the average human speed. The rising sun gleams through the open windows on the far side, turning the grey floors dull gold. Just like normal.

Janis pulls her beanie down further over her head and turns in the direction of her room, ready to run practically, when-

“Ah, Janis.”

Fuck.

Doctor Wiley approaches her and her mom, his pace quick and purposeful. His arms even swing in time with his steps, like he’s been choreographed. He comes over and shakes her mom’s hand, the exchange awkward with the two bags she’s holding, and hers as well. There’s a smile on his face but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes, nor does it hold its usual irrepressible cheer.

“I thought you two would be arriving around now.”

“How’d you even recognise me?” she asks. “I got a bit of a haircut.” It’s kind of a mean question, but her filter doesn’t work at this hour and she could use a little enjoyment. He laughs at it though, so it can’t be too bad.

“Funny. But those boots are indistinguishable,” he tells her. She huffs a laugh at that but it’s gone in an instant and they fall into a tight, uncomfortable silence. Janis stuffs her hands in her pockets and shifts from one foot to the other, looking over at her mom in the childish belief that she’ll know what to do. She’s just as helpless as Janis is, Dr Wiley having trapped them both without intending to. She hears doors opening down the hall and sneaks a look up at the clock. Patients are waking up around now, meaning the amount of people in this lobby is going to double. She has half a mind to directly ask what he wants before he opens his mouth, saving them both an awkward exchange.

“Why don’t we talk in Janis’ room?” he asks. “Just want to see how your week’s gone.”

So they go down, and Janis takes a seat on her bed and lets her mom drop her bag down below her feet. Her stomach twists uneasily throughout it all and a nervous sweat makes its way down her back as the doctor finally enters and, as usual, shuts the door behind him.

“So,” he begins.

“My hair’s gone,” she says. The words escape her mouth before she can stop herself and her surprise at herself is the same as her mom’s. She only shrugs at her and swings her feet in the air. Pretending to be casual seems easier than trying to be serious. “That’s the biggest development.”

“Yes,” Wiley says thinly. He straightens up, his eyes avoiding Janis, and for the first time she’s struck with the idea that this is probably no picnic for him too, no matter how many people he’s had to do this for. “How did that happen? Did you shave it yourself?”

“Yes, she did,” her mom answers. She takes her hand and rubs her thumb across the back of it. Janis squeezes it back, giving her a smile.

“Did you help her with it?”

“No.” There’s a hint of laughter in her mom’s voice. Not mocking though. She almost sounds proud. Proud of her? For what? “When I say herself, I mean she did it herself. Alex and I got a bit of a surprise.”

“As did our dog,” Janis adds. “He’s used to being the only one shedding in the house.”

“I’m sure you all did,” Wiley says. He pulls over one of the chairs and sits close to her, his eyes serious behind his glasses. “You probably don’t need me to tell you this, but this is one of the most difficult parts of this process for so many people.” She nods stiffly. “And you probably also know, there are several support systems in place.” She nods again; she could probably recite those support systems from memory. “It may be good to talk about this with people who understand what it’s like.”

“Like other patients?” she asks. She remembers one thing she was told about: a group therapy session with the other kids on the ward. She had struggled to completely dismiss it already and now, after a week of staring at her bald head in the mirror, she worries she might be cracking.

“Maybe. Or some one-on-one counselling,” Wiley explains. “You’ll have met the people to talk to about that. I’m just strictly here for the medical side of things.”

“Typical medical school student,” Janis responds flatly. “Cold and emotionless robot.”

“That’s me,” he replies. “So, how was this week, physically? Any nausea, aches, pains?”

“Um, something like that,” Janis says. “Just you know, felt sick. Uh, I couldn’t eat much some days. Legs hurt. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Well,” he answers with a sympathetic smile. “That’s all fine and normal.”

Janis hums. She’s at a point where feeling sick is normal. Great.

They finish up soon, going over her week and Wiley telling her that he’ll schedule another appointment for her to check up on her weight and her other vitals. She tries not to tense at that. It’s not like her weight is an insecurity of hers, but she’s not thrilled at the idea of weighing herself either.

“Hey, Jan, I’m just going to go have a quick word with Doctor Wiley,” her mom says suddenly, just as he’s opening the door. “You know, adult stuff.”

“Mom, you know where my mind goes when you say, ‘adult stuff’,” she replies.

“You going to be okay here on your own?” she asks, like Janis hadn’t said anything. At her side, Janis’ hand curls into a fist. She’d bet all the money she has that she’s going to tell Doctor Wiley about her little fainting spell in the park. If she had it her way, she’d tell her not to, insist it wasn’t that bad like she did that night. But she can’t have it her way and if it’ll give her mom some peace of mind, fine. Besides, maybe telling her doctor isn’t the worst plan in the world.

“Yeah I’ll be fine,” she says with a resigned sigh. “I’m going to go hang out in the longue anyway.”

“Okay, kid. I’ll meet you back here.”

She’s barely down the hall when she regrets her decision. Her hands stuffed in her pockets, she turns and looks back at the door, tightly shit, a solid barrier shutting her away from the conversation that is about her. She won’t press it, but she’s annoyed by it. Being whispered about behind your back is never fun, no matter what the subject matter is.

But there’s nothing she can do about it now unless she wants to make a scene, and she can’t hover in the corridor forever, so she turns and marches down the hall, keeping her eyes on the ground and only looking up to smile at nurses. A couple of the one’s she’s familiar with pass her and they kindly avoid the subject of her hair loss, instead cheerily bidding her good morning.

The longue is actually empty when she gets in. The hands on the clock aren’t even at eight yet, so she guesses everyone else is still asleep, or in early morning treatments.

She crosses over to the so-called ‘art shelf’, wrestles out a drawing pad and picks up a Halloween bucket full of pencils. They’re not as good as her own tools, but they’re all safe in her bag in her room, so she’ll make do rather than interrupt. She settles herself in the chair, her feet dangling over the edge and the paper resting on her legs.

It’s actually pretty calming in here alone. Not like it’s overly chaotic normally, it’s always kind of mellow, but it’s quite easy for her to lose herself now. The weak autumn sun is higher now, the leaves on a tree outside creating patterns on the carpets and the voices behind her are a peaceful, quiet kind of backing track for her to draw against. Her pencil moves gracefully across the page and forms the shapes she sees in her mind. She’s had this idea for a few days but never really had the motivation to draw it. It must have been longer than she thought, going without drawing properly. The pencil feels weak and she has to take a moment to give her hand a little shake out at points to get herself back. But she’s missed this, missed the freedom that art gives her. Freedom to create, to escape to her own worlds. Every time, even when everyone and everything failed her, she’s had her art to fall back on.

She’s more emotional than she should be as she sees it hasn’t failed her yet.

Even with the imperfect pencils, she carries on, going over the line she’s created. The outline of her IV is covered in black, the lines thicker than she’d wanted initially with the blunt pencil. Ideally, she’d go over them in fine pen, but the thick lines actually kind of work. Ivy wraps around the pole, coloured in a deep green with little red thorns jagging out from it and piercing the medicine bag. The details are smudged and undefined, these pencils weren’t made for this, but the fully formed drawing is taking shape in front of her and that’s what matters to her.

Besides, she can perfect it later.

She’s not aware of how much time has gone by until she hears footsteps behind her, followed by a familiar squeak. Maddie is hovering in the doorway, a nurse behind her holding her IV, and the clock showing that well over half an hour has passed with her drawing.

“Hey kid,” she greets, pushing herself up and tucking her legs beneath her, more for the nurse’s benefit than Maddie’s.

“Janis! You’re back!” she states as she runs over and plops herself down in the armchair beside her. Her eyes move up to Janis’ head, a question dancing in them but her lips staying silent.

“Hi sweetheart,” her nurse asks. Janis hasn’t seen her around before, or if she has she’s not been around much. Maybe a student, she guesses, going by how young she is and how intensely she’s focussed on the IV. “This your friend, Maddie?”

“Yup,” she answers. “Is it cool if I do my drip in here? And if I turn on the TV?”

“Go ahead, kid,” she says, flipping over the page. Maddie leans over the arm of her chair with wide eyes and Janis chuckles warmly before turning the page around for her. “What do we think?”

“Woah,” she breathes. “That’s so good!”

“Any critiques? Bad colouring? Bad use of space? Awkward shading?”

“Nope, nope and nope,” Maddie insists. “It’s perfect. Look, Maia, isn’t it?”

“Oh hey,” Maia adds, looking at it for a split second before re-focussing. “That’s cool. So you’re an artist.”

“I dabble,” she sighs, twirling the pencil between her fingers and turning the page over.

“So I take it you’re doing that photo project that Maddie’s doing?” she asks.

There it is again. Out of everything she’s heard about in here, that’s the one that’s come up the most and it’s the one that’s stood in her mind the most. Maybe because, well, it is kind of up her street. And since it is… well, why not?

“Yeah, I am,” she says. It feels odd, committing to something like this. But hey, it could be fun.

“It’s meant to be really good,” Maia goes on as she pulls out an IV. “You two probably know all about it, but it’s some fancy art college that’s providing the materials for it. And a professor from there’s overseeing it.”

Janis averts her eyes when Maddie rolls up her sleeves, though she can’t ignore the other girl’s small grunt as the needle goes in. There’s already a little bruise on her own arm. And Maddie’s been here two, three times as long as she has.

“Okay, that’s you set up for an hour and a half,” Maia announces. “I’ll be back in half an hour to check up on you, okay? And here’s your juice and your breakfast.”

“Thanks. See you later, Maia,” Maddie says, her voice the same as it would be if she was leaving to go to school. Maia pats Maddie’s head and tells Janis how nice it was to meet her before heading off, Maddie’s eyes following her in a way Janis knows all too well. Poor girl.

“What?” she asks when she hears Janis’ chuckle.

“Oh, nothing,” she sings. “You just seem awfully fond of Maia.” The way her little cheeks flame pink tell her all she needs to know. Nothing will come of this, of course, it’s a puppy infatuation, but that doesn’t make it any less cute. Janis remembers her first crush of that sort. Remembers how she, just as Maddie is now, vehemently denied it to anyone who asked. “Don’t worry kid. I won’t tell.”

“Okay,” she says quietly as she flicks on the TV. She looks down at the remote and lets out a pained sigh. “She’s just so pretty.”

“I know kid,” Janis replies. “I know the struggle.” They sit in companionable silence, Maddie focussing on the daytime TV and Janis doodling whatever comes to mind across the page, dragons, mermaids, flowers, puppies. It’s random nonsense, but it’s the artistic equivalent of going on a jog, she supposes.

As she draws, she keeps sneaking glances over at Maddie. A lot of things struck her when they first met, and one she’s sad to say was the lack of hair. Not that there’s nothing beyond that, but she noticed it first and it stuck. And despite all her wishes and hopes, it happened to her too.

“Hey, Maddie?” Her throat feels like sandpaper. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

She clenches the pencil so tightly in her hand that her knuckles turn white.

“When did you lose your hair?”

“Oh.” Janis winces immediately.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to-”

“No, it’s okay,” she says. She turns around to face her, her fingers fidgeting in front of her and her eyes looking at her only to look away immediately. “It was a month ago. Kind of. It started coming out pretty early.”

“In clumps, right?” she asks.

“Yeah. Big, scary clumps. I thought they looked like spiders.” Janis chuckles out of courtesy, but there’s no humour in it. “I wouldn’t shave it though. Everyone told me I had to but… I just couldn’t, you know.” She hears her swallow before she adds “I was too scared.”

Janis nods. She tries to picture it, this little kid scared shitless being told to shave her head. With nothing and no-one to save her. She doesn’t want to cry, knowing how she’d feel if she were in that position, but it gets her. She wishes she could wrap that girl in a hug and tell her she was okay.

“I gave in eventually,” she says. “So much of it was gone anyway. At that point I just wanted it over with.”

“That’s how I felt,” Janis adds. “Like… it was either it or me.”

“Did your mom or dad help you?” Maddie asks.

“No. I didn’t really tell them I was doing it.” She shrugs. “I didn’t plan it. Just sort of happened, I guess.”

“Woah.” Maddie’s hand rubs the back of her neck, a sorrowful expression on her face. “It feels weird doesn’t it?”

“Weird is an understatement,” Janis mumbles. As they sit in companionable silence, Janis doesn’t take her eyes off Maddie. Soon she gets up and pushes her chair closer until it’s touching hers. She brightens at that and curls up even more.

“People keep asking me if I miss my hair,” she tells her after a while. “I don’t answer them. It’s a stupid question.” She rolls her eyes, but there’s more to it. Far more than she should be. “Of course I do.”

“Yeah. I paid 50 for that dye job,” Janis says.

“I can’t wait to look normal again,” Maddie says.

Janis starts at that. It’s a horrible thing to have to say, or for someone to think, but the worst part is she can’t disagree with it. She doesn’t know if she’ll feel completely okay until her hair starts growing back. Her first impulse is to say, “me too”. Or the less tactful “mood”. But she pushes it away because that’s not what Maddie needs to hear. While she’s a disaster, she’s not bringing this girl down with her.

So what does she do? She can’t fall back on her own tricks. That may well only make it worse. So she does the only thing she can, ask herself ‘What Would Damian Do In This Scenario’. He’d make her feel better without sugar coating the reality. So she’ll do that. Be Damian for Maddie.

“Well… that may be true,” she begins. “And it royally sucks ass.” She’s not good at this. “But… just think of how happy we’ll be when that finally happens.” Really, really not good at this. God how does he do this all the time? Especially with her.

It quickly occurs to her that this little trick is so much easier when she’s trying to pick herself up. Picking other people up is harder. It’s mainly why she rarely does it. It also occurs to her that she doesn’t know what Damian would say if he were her. Thank God, he’s never been through this. So she can’t know what he’d say. All she can do is reach inside herself and try to pull out something to help the both of them.

“And you know, at least we’re all normal in here.”

She sees realisation dawn on Maddie’s face and lets out a breath.

“I guess there is no normal in here,” Maddie adds, but it’s without the defeated tone. The opposite in fact. She the smile on her face is relieved and most importantly, real. Janis is relieved as well, and the feeling floods her chest, but there’s something else in there, something kind of unfamiliar and pretty exciting.

Maybe she’s actually quite good at this.

******

Days later, Janis is lounging in her bed, half-waking up from a spontaneous nap. She props her head up on her elbow and scrolls through Twitter, Purrlock sitting on her shoulder. She told her mom that she just woke up like that and she’s too comfortable to move him. And maybe because he wanted a good view of her phone.

She avoids Instagram like it’s the plague. Her hairless selfie is by far the most popular photo on her page, which annoys her in more ways than one. She didn’t even put hashtags on it, and yet it’s gotten more likes and comments than artwork that she put hours of work into. And selfies where she actually looks good. She has half a mind to respond to the supportive-pitying comments saying “thanks, check out my art and tell your friends I will be available for commission soon”. She only hasn’t because she can’t help but feel like using her cancer for clout is low even by her standards.

Regina is amongst those who left a comment. According to her she ‘looks like a boss’, and Janis has since spent hours of her time looking for the catch. There always is one with her but she’s now hidden it extremely well. Janis is determined to find it, like a pirate looking for a weird kind of treasure. People can call her paranoid all they want, but she knows better. She knows Regina better than probably anyone at that whole school.

Those are just some of the reasons she avoids Instagram, as well as Facebook. At least on Tumblr, the vast majority of her followers have no idea who she is. To them she’s just an art blog, and that’s why she can’t find it in her to delete that app. Plus, there’s something about the humour that’s comforting.

She’s halfway reading one of those tag yourself games when she gets a text. She wants to dismiss it, too tired for any kind if interaction, but the name on it makes her do a double take.

“Hi! How are you doing? Would it be okay if I came over some time? I haven’t really seen you in forever. I’d really like to. Just let me know if you want to and when you can-Gretchen.”

Gretchen. Gretchen Weiners. First Karen popping in to visit and now Gretchen? She’s collected two out of three Plastics. And hell, given that Regina popped round to her house a while back, she’s kind of gotten them all.

Gretchen is a complicated case for her. She sits right in between Karen and Regina in the Plastics for her. She’s not stupid like Karen. She had to know that what Regina was doing to her was wrong. But while she had the brains to know it, she didn’t have the backbone and Janis can’t not understand with that. But she can’t just forgive and forget either, not completely. And while they have found themselves actually getting along pretty well since Spring Fling, some days Janis can’t shake the feeling that it’s entirely contingent on Regina. That if Regina turns, Gretchen is right there with her. Besides, she always saw their friendship as more surface level than anything else. It was fine by her; they just wouldn’t have any spark together without a third party there.

So Gretchen texting her like this is unexpected to say the least. Especially offering to come over. Alone, it would seem.

Her mind is going through every possible bad outcome, meanwhile her fingers are typing out a response that reads ‘Hey. I’m not exactly going anywhere but Cady and Damian come over on Fridays, so that might be out. I’m also pretty out of it on Monday. But hey any other day you want to come over, that’s cool.’

She has the self-control to pause and read it over again she sends it. As far as she can tell there’s nothing completely wrong with it. Heck she even went out of her way to warn her about when her worst day is. Although as she reads it a third time, that sentence suddenly seems way too open for Gretchen, so she quickly changes it to ‘pretty busy’.

She presses send that time and watches as her message becomes a small blue bubble. So she just committed to hanging out with Gretchen Weiners. In her hospital room. Gretchen responds asking about Saturday, and while she considers backing out, she agrees. Gretchen responds with some heart emojis and that she can’t wait to see her. It’s a sweet message and it makes Janis’ stomach turn.

“What the heck have I done?” she asks out loud.

*****

She mentions it to Cady and Damian when they come around on Friday. She has to since it’s pretty much the only piece of news she has other than “they got new vending machines”. They both think it’s a great idea, which does make Janis feel better about the whole thing. Especially Cady. The way her whole face lights up when she tells her actually makes it feel worth it, whatever the outcome is.

That’s what she tells herself on Saturday morning when she gets up. She wriggles out of bed and checks the clock on her phone. Half an hour before her first round is due. She doesn’t feel like breakfast, nor does she feel like getting out of her pyjamas. She guesses Gretchen will understand that much anyway. Even she can’t expect Janis to look perfect given the circumstances. But that bring up another problem, one she had stupidly not considered up until right now, when she catches sight of herself in the mirror.

Gretchen hasn’t seen her like this.

Well, she has. The whole school has, that’s kind of the point. But she hasn’t seen her like this. Not in the same way Damian and Cady have, face-to-face, where she’ll try to avert her eyes from it and make polite conversation. Even with her cute little beanie, it’s likely to be a tough one. And given that it’s Gretchen, it might be ten times worse. Not her fault, and Janis can’t say she wouldn’t do the same if she was in her position, but that doesn’t make it any less exasperating for her. Suddenly the one thing she wants to do is text Gretchen and back out, but her stupid pride holds her back. Digging a bigger hole is a risk she doesn’t want to take. All she can do is wait and hope that either a) Gretchen backs out, b) there’s a terrible medical emergency pertaining to her and Gretchen can’t come over, or c) it’s at least over quickly.

Options A and B sadly don’t happen. For once her body seems to be working semi-well and right on schedule he gets a text from Gretchen saying that she’s in the lobby. Her mom took that as her cue to leave and go hang out with the other cancer moms, reminding her to call her if she needs her. And since her mom will definitely not lie about a medical emergency for her, all she can do is sit with the consequences of her own actions. And debate throwing herself out the window, which she shuts down fairly quickly. She doesn’t want to put the nurses through that.

She pretends to be reading when Gretchen comes in, softly knocking on the door. She looks nice; her hair is in some half-up, half-down thing she could never master even if she needed to and she wears a bright yellow top tucked into a blue skirt. Between the block colours and the smile on her face, Janis realises how much she could fit in here. Give her a lanyard and put her in the longue and the volunteers would take her in immediately.

“Hi, Janis,” she greets.

“Hey Gretch.” She puts down her magazine and swings her legs over the side of the bed, nodding at her. “Come on in. Welcome to Casa Janis. Hey, can you close the door?”

“Oh sure.” She comes over but sits down in the visitor’s chair rather than on the bed. Janis can’t decide if that’s better or worse. She’s already small, especially when compared to Janis, but she looks impossibly tiny now. Janis can’t even enjoy not feeling like the smallest person in the room for once. “So how are you doing?”

“Oh you know,” she shrugs. “Powering through it all.” A soft, sympathetic look creases Gretchen’s face. “I’m doing good, Gretch. How are you doing?”

“Oh me?” she asks. “Uh, I’m pretty good. I mean, school’s okay so far. I mean… I’m on the committee for planning the Halloween fair this year.”

“You are? That’s cool.” She could never picture Gretchen on the committee for anything, but now that she thinks about it, she does have a keen eye for detail. Not to mention she knows how to plan an event, although those skills weren’t forged in the best circumstances. “So what are you guys doing?”

“Oh.” Her tone is so casual compared to the excited glint in her eyes and the way her mouth turns up at the corners. She knows a suppressed smile when she sees one. “Um, your basic Halloween stuff. You know, uh apple bobbing. Scary stories. The same thing they do every year.”

“Uh-huh.” Gretchen opens her mouth, the beginning of her own question just coming out, but Janis holds her hand out to her, nodding to the empty space beside her. “Come on. You know I love that Halloween fair. And if I have to miss it, you need to give me every little detail of it.”

“Oh,” is all she responds with.

“Come on,” she says after she hesitates. “I need to make sure it’s all up to standard. I’m very protective of that fair.”

“Okay,” she says. She scrambles up beside her, her feet even farther from the floor. “Oh wow, this is comfortable.”

“Yeah, they take good care of us in here.” She nudges her with her bony elbow. “So come on. The fair, what have you guys got planned?”

“Well…” She begins. “We got Drama and English to collaborate on the scary stories this year. It’s actually pretty cool, they collected all these folktales from different cultures. And they wanted to do some classic horror stuff as well. So some of the sophomore drama kids are acting them out.” She counts them out on her fingers. “We’ve got one group doing Dracula, one doing Jekyll and Hyde and one doing Frankenstein. Oh, Damian’s helping direct them and he agreed to read out a few stories. He’s really good at it.”

“He would be,” she says.

“Okay so we have that in one corner, then we have the apple bobbing beside that. Then we got a lot of stalls lined up after it. Some of them are doing arts and crafts stuff, I don’t really know the specifics, then we’ve got another one selling treats and baked goods and stuff. I just let them handle that. Oh!” She grabs her arm only to drop it in the next second, but her smile stays bright on her face. “So then there’s the haunted house! We actually looked at a lot of the old ones, like the one you worked on!”

“Well, I am an artiste.”

“I know,” she says softly. “So what we did is we-well, I say we, I mean the art students. Not me, I couldn’t do that. But they took it and they ran with the literature theme. So we’ve got everyone in these really cool old vintage outfits looking like ghosts walking around the halls. And they’re letting us use a smoke machine!”

“I never got a smoke machine!” she interrupts indignantly. “How come you guys get to use it?”

“I planned out the budget,” Gretchen explains. “Cady helped me with the numbers a bit. I worked out that if we shopped at thrift stores and stuff for costumes and got the school more involved, we had more money for effects! Plus they gave us a bit more because it’s a good cause.”

She freezes the minute the words leave her mouth, regret all over her face. Janis doesn’t get it for a while and she can’t say if the chemo has made her brain lag or if she’s just that out of the loop. But quickly gets a suspicion.

“Good cause?”

“Um, yeah.” Gretchen fixes her hair, sliding pins further in and twirling the end around her fingers. Her feet swing farther and faster below them. “Um, the committee agreed pretty early that we should um… we should use it raise money for cancer research.” She shrugs weakly. “We just thought it would have been nice to do.”

“Yeah.” She clears her throat. She might not have an IV in her arm, nor is she knocked out, but she feels acutely aware of her cancer. Even without looking at herself. She can feel the way her blood is abnormal, feel the medicine slithering through her veins. The lost weight on her arms, the lack of weight on her head.

She’s a charity case now. Events she can’t even go to are planned around her.

“Janis?” Gretchen asks, her voice so quiet it’s practically a whisper. “Are you okay?” Before she can answer, Gretchen lets out a loud sigh. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not. Damian was worried how you’d react to it.”

“Gretchen. It’s okay.” She shakes her head. “I’m actually kind of touched.” It’s the truth, despite how weak it makes her feel. So many people backing her up, it’s hard not to like it. She just wishes this didn’t have to happen for her to feel it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replies. “And they think they might make it like that every year. Like every year they pick a new cause to donate to.”

“That’s awesome, Gretch.” They sit in comfortable, light silence for a while until Janis finds something. “So how’s everyone else? How’s Karen.”

And that’s when Gretchen’s cheeks turn bright pink, and it’s the most entertaining thing Janis has seen in a long while. Cady’s filled her in on Gretchen and Karen, how pretty much everyone knows about them and they’re none the wiser. Cady said that they might just still be friends, but Damian shook his head. According to him anyone who spends even five minutes in their company can see it. So she has two different hypothesis and she’s just testing them out.

“Um, Karen’s great,” she says. “Really great. Didn’t she come see you a few weeks ago?” She doesn’t mention how Janis puked her guts out that day; either Karen didn’t tell her or she’s being delicate. Either way is more than good with her.

“Yep. She brought muffins. They were really good.”

“Oh, yeah she’s really good at baking now.” The glowing pride on her face could be seen from space.

“It was real sweet of her,” she says fondly. Despite how badly that day ended, she’s glad it happened. “Hey, I saw you two were at her house last weekend.” Gretchen’s cheeks turn even pinker and Janis almost feels bad. “Anything special?”

“Oh yeah, that was nothing. We um, we just went and watched movies in her house. Had a pyjama day, you know.” Gretchen toys with a bracelet on her wrist; a silver chain with a baby pink gemstone in the shape of a heart. Her face is a familiar kind of soft, and Janis realises it’s the kind of soft that she gets when she thinks about Cady. They’re either together or someone has a serious, serious crush. “Karen’s really good. We’re really good.” Then she looks up at Janis and her eyes are brighter than Broadway marquees.

“We’re actually dating now!” she says.

“No!” she gasps. She doesn’t have a B in drama for nothing. “Since when?”

“Just since August,” she replies. “We actually just had our two month anniversary just then.”

“Aww.”

“Yeah. We went got sundaes and went to the movies. It was super romantic.” There’s even a hint of a giggle in Gretchen’s voice. The bloom of first love and all that.

“It sounds it.”

“Does it?” she asks. “Sorry. I just don’t know romance very well. I mean, we’re not you and Cady.”

“Me and Cady?” Janis echoes.

“Well, yeah. I mean you two are kind of the it couple when it comes to romance.”

“Really?” she asks proudly. “We never really thought about it like that.”

“You two just seem so… happy with each other,” she says. “Not that me and Karen aren’t happy, we totally are. I just hope we stay that way. That we have a relationship like you and Cady.”

“Woah there.” She holds up her hand to stop Gretchen in her tracks. “Me and Cady are far from perfect. Especially now.” She presses her fist into her palm, chewing the inside of her cheek, unsure what version of events she should give. “I mean… I almost didn’t even tell her I had cancer.” Gretchen’s mouth falls open a little at that. “No relationship is perfect, Gretch. Don’t try to model me and Caddy. You and Karen do you and Karen.”

“Do Me and Karen,” she repeats softly.

“Yeah. You know, move at your own pace. Be happy with each other.” Gretchen nods, her mouth moving like she’s making mental notes.

“Thanks, Janis.”

“Well, not to brag, but Cady and I have been together for seven whole months.” Half a year, she realises. Half a year she’s been with Cady. They never celebrated little anniversaries like Karen and Gretchen, but six months was just a month ago. And neither one realised. “So I’m a bit of an expert.”

“Yeah you are,” Gretchen chuckles.

Gretchen has to leave a little while later and Janis even has the manners (and energy) to walk her to the elevator. She gives her a quick hug before she leaves and though Janis braces herself, it’s nowhere near as awkward as she thought it would be. In fact, while she might be little, she packs a lot into it.

“I’ll see you soon,” she tells her. “Is that cool with you?”

“My hospital room is your hospital room,” she says warmly. Gretchen gives her another smile, one that’s bright and sincere, before disappearing into the lift. The last thing Janis sees of her is a little tiny wave.

Her mom is back in the room when she gets there, straightening up her sheets, and a fresh looking donut sits on her tray table. Rainbow sprinkles and white icing, just as she likes them.

“How’s Gretchen?” she asks.

“She’s good.” She climbs onto the bed and picks up her book. She must have been smiling or something because her mom then asks what the face is for. She hesitates, but she’d almost certainly tell her mom this if they were at home and besides, she can’t keep it to herself. “Well, Karen and Gretchen are sort of….” She wiggles her eyebrows. “You know.”

“Oh they aren’t,” her mom says. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.” She leans forward and tears off a part of the donut.

“Did not expect that.” Janis simply shrugs. She’s not going to sit and act like she ‘always knew’ but at the same time, she’s not entirely surprised. If nothing else, they did always think they’d be a cute fit. “Well, good for them.”

“Yeah,” she replies, tearing the donut again. “Good for them. You want a bit?”

“Oh I’m fine, hon.” Janis frowns. It’s more than just a treat and she knows it.

“Gretchen was talking about the Halloween fair,” she goes on. “She’s on the committee for organising it this year. Apparently it’s going to be quite the affair.”

Apparently, she just can’t hide anything today because her mom rubs her back and groans in sympathy with her.

“I’m sorry kid. I know how much you love going to that fair.”

“Well there’s always next year.” She keeps quiet about the money being raised though. No doubt her mom would love that, but still. Some things she just doesn’t want to talk about. She’s about to change the subject when her mom opens her mouth again, and nothing can prepare her for what she says. “And well, who knows? Maybe here we can work something out and allow you to go.”

“Wait, for real?” Janis asks. Hope sparks up in her chest and she immediately tries to dampen it down.

“Well, maybe,” her mom says. “I was just talking to Dr Wiley and he did say you don’t have to be in the hospital 24/7. Obviously we don’t want a repeat of Saturday-”

“Okay, why didn’t this conversation come up weeks ago when I was climbing the walls?” she asks, although she isn’t mad. She can’t be.

“Because you were just starting out,” she explains. “And you still kind of are. But he did say being out in the fresh air might do you some good. I’d have my reservations about it-”

“Oh please, please do not have any reservations,” she says. Hell, she practically begs. She does everything but grab her mom’s legs.

“But if you felt up to it on the day, and Dr Wiley didn’t see a problem with it, then I don’t see why you couldn’t go around the fair for an hour, maybe.”

An inhuman noise escapes her mouth, something akin to a shriek, but the kind middle school girls use when they hear about their favourite boyband coming to town.

“As long as you don’t overwork yourself.”

“Mom, I will do nothing but eat my veggies and sleep until the fair,” she promises.

“Okay,” her mom chuckles, running her fingers over her knuckles. “What time’s your next round?”

“Oh um, an hour,” she says. They go about their own business. Well, her mom does anyway, picking up her magazine and showing Janis the parts she’d like. Janis opens up her laptop and whacks on something to keep herself entertained, but the idea of going to the fair blocks out anything else.

Going to the Halloween fair. Being with all her friends. Seeing people from school. It almost doesn’t feel real. Scratch that, it definitely doesn’t feel real. And amongst that surreal feeling is worry. Worry that something will come up, someone will say no, and she’ll have to watch the fair through her Instagram feed. It’s the main reason she doesn’t go rushing to Damian with the news. Because what if the moment she does, Dr Wiley pops his head around the door and tells her she can never leave here, ever?

Breathe, she tells herself. Her plans are in the universe’s hands. All she can do is sit back, cross her fingers, and pray no-one says no.

#cadnis #cadnis ff #mean girls broadway #mean girls fanfic #janis sarkisian #cady heron #gretchen weiners #fic: heart of stone

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hashtagartistlife · 6 years ago

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Thoughts TM on the Live Action (hard spoilers ahead. Also, warning: it’s long.):

- Firstly, the casting. The absolute Best casting decision in this whole movie, visuals-and-acting-wise, is Isshin hands down. He LOOKS like Isshin, he ACTS like Isshin-- actually, Movie!Isshin > Manga!Isshin. They toned down the goof a tiny bit, played up his love and concern for the kids, and put him in an APRON for 90% of his screentime and made him the homemaker. (A++++ MOVE, WHY THE HELL WAS YUZU COOKING FOR EVERYBODY AT THE AGE OF NINE. BAD DECISION KUBO).

- Second best casting decision is Kuchiki Rukia. I remember when her stills first came out I wasn’t 100% on this casting because sure she was gorgeous but she looked????? SO YOUNG????? but guys, she nailed it. NAILED IT. Hana Sugisaki based goddess and if u aren’t her fan now you will be by the time the movie ends.

- Sota Fukushi as Ichigo.... hm. Given that my only criteria when drawing Ichigo is to make him as hot as humanly possible, it was 100% guaranteed that any actor they put up for the role would fall short of my visual expectations from an Ichigo. NGL there are more good looking men out there than Sota Fukushi but to quote both Ro and I from our rabb.it chat during the movie...... sota fukushi hard smash

(- ok but a serious dilemma: are we attracted to him because he’s attractive, or because he’s playing ichigo and ichigo’s attractive????

-also, chad’s actor hard smash as well)

- SPEAKING of Chad.... he had. Minimal role in the movie but I love that they showed a bit of his bromance with Ichigo. It was always such a cute friendship and they did it justice with what little they showed! Anyway, I like his casting and Orihime’s too, visually speaking.

- The other casts were fine. Not !!!! worthy but like not terrible casting either. Honestly I feel like Miyavi as Byakuya could have really worked if they hadn’t given him that... AWFUL hair. The hair is even more awful in the movie than it is in the still cuts. Believe it.

- A final note on the casting... I really hated noticing this but Orihime’s actress? Erina Mano? Looks a LOT like the actress they cast for Masaki and i hate noticing it but I did. But it’s not time for the ir tea/ih salt yet that comes later

- Secondly: Characterisation. Overall decent, but you can really tell that like... they spent the most amount of care on getting the central IR dynamic right and sorta just went ‘lol that’s good enough’ for the others. It’s almost like they spent all of their characterisation budget on IR and had minimal left over to spare for minor characters (e.g: Orihime). You’ll see what I mean.

- Once again, hands down best characterisation in the whole movie is Isshin and Rukia. Isshin’s bodily comedy with Ichigo was done SO realistically, in a way that’s funny and not too over-the-top. The way they kept playing off each other as slightly overbearing father and moody teenage son was FANTASTIC. And one of the moments that had me MOST emotional in this movie was when Isshin was shown by Ichigo’s bedside, taking care of him while he’s recovering from injuries. Ichigo, upon waking from a dream of his mum, asks Isshin if he ever dreams of her. Isshin’s answer? ‘Every night’. EVERY NIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. GOD I was never a hard isshimassa stan but this movie got me FEELING things for them

- Hana’s interpretation of Rukia is FANTASTIC. Unbelievably spot on. The emotional unavailability, her rigid initial adherence to what she believes is the shinigami code, the adorable naivete re: human world customs, the way she steamrollers over Ichigo, the way that, no matter how hard she tries to be aloof, she can’t hide the fact that she cares. She cares so much. And honestly, if there’s one thing this movie does well, it’s how they managed to get those manga-panel comic violence situations to translate so well to reality. Isshin-on-Ichigo violence translated well, and the Rukia-on-Ichigo violence translates excellently as well. Their little bickering scenes play out EXACTLY how I, at least, imagined them to go, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Also, I honestly think her looking really young works to her advantage, because it really gives you a sense of like… how bemused Ichigo must be by this whole situation. My predominant thought every time hana is on screen is SHE’S SO CUTE AND LOVELY I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT, except this tiny girl who you can only think of as ‘cute’ is like…. Bossing you around and beating your ass with a sword and instilling fucking philosophy lessons in you. It’s so surreal? And if it’s surreal for US then just imagine how surreal it must be for Ichigo.

- Sota’s Ichigo.... once again, hmm. His ‘trying to be cool’ acting (i.e. during the fight scenes) was cringey, but I can’t tell if that’s his acting skill or just the fact that what looks ‘cool’ on manga panels inVARIABLY look cringey in real life. Probably the latter. And I think he’s a LITTLE too growly for my taste, but then again, I’m used to post-timeskip Ichigo who’s a bit more... low-key cynical rather than prickly. Initial Ichigo was pretty abrasive, so I guess that’s in-character. Also, his most-said line of dialogue in this movie is ‘HAH??’ which is hilarious and very in-character. Honestly, Hana as Rukia is straight up excellent for the whole duration of the movie but I definitely think Sota shone MOST when he was acting in combination with Isshin or Rukia. Whatever I think about his individual acting skills, he definitely had chemistry with those actors in terms of dynamics.

- Guys, the IR in this is fantastic. Brilliant. Like I said, their bickering plays out to a TEE how I imagined things to go. Literally cannot fault their bickering. Their soft heartfelt moments are SO GOOD too. And they were all shot so…. Intimately? Their softer scenes were shot with such heartbreaking tenderness and I just….. ugh. Hana Sugisaki REALLY brought her acting A-game. ALSO THE WAY LITERALLY EVERYONE THINKS THEY’RE DATING??? RENJI SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE ‘OOPS I THINK I KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND’ TO RUKIA. RENJI SAYS THAT. BYAKUYA THINKS SHE’S TOO ‘EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED’. Not to even mention Keigo and Tatsuki and Orihime……. God. Absolutely unbelievable.

- Now, if I was being picky and HAD to talk about a few gripes…. Let’s see. It takes Ichigo more time to warm up to Rukia than in canon, and he’s more of an asshole to her in this time period too. But y’know, that’s a very minor gripe. The other teeny tiny gripe I have about the IR is like…. A gripe but also not a gripe at the same time lmfao. OK so at the end when Renji and Byakuya are trying to take Rukia away, Ichigo plants himself in front of Rukia and says ‘I’m going to protect you’ and he repeats this multiple times in the fight, which, yes, extremely shippy, I’m going to die on the pavement et al, but also… this might be a weird gripe for some, because the ir dynamic has always been them protecting and saving each other. But not in so many words? It’s always been a very equal protection dynamic, partly because Rukia won’t LET him be her protector. I subscribe to the meta that this is precisely why she’s good for Ichigo. It’s also what drives him up the wall, because WHY WON’T SHE LET HIM KEEP HER SAFE, but it’s the fact that Rukia REFUSES to be one of his ‘protected people’, the fact that Rukia DEMANDS equal footing to him, that quashes down the more destructive aspects of his will to protect. But yeah, I feel like that line – ‘I’m going to protect you/her’, repeated multiple times—sort of erases the inherent equality in their dynamic and puts Rukia in the ‘protected’ pile. But that’s just because the movie didn’t have enough time for the rest of the arc. Look honestly the ir in the movie is FINE. The only reason I’m even bringing this up is because I have the manga version to compare it to, and it’s an unfair comparison to begin with because obviously the manga has so much more to work with. Overall, if you’re worried about the IR characterisation in this movie—don’t be. They hard carried the whole thing. Sota and Hana are an absolute DELIGHT to watch playing off each other. They have GREAT chemistry supported by well-shot scenes and good dialogue. 11/10 worth watching just for these two alone.

- Yuzu and Karin. Even though they changed their designs to look identical in the movie (I’m guessing for the instant visual cue of ‘oh they’re twins!’), I’m glad they kept their personalities the same. Karin is snarky as ever, Yuzu is sweet. So +1 for that. But then they made Yuzu (Karin?) say ‘Onii-chan, I’m scared’ during the fishbone D attack, rather than the canonical ‘get away, you’ll get hurt’. Which… look, fair, she’s eleven, I think that’s more realistic, but ALSO YOU JUST???? CHANGED HER WHOLE CHARACTERISATION. CAN WE PUT SOME RESPECT ON HER NAME PLEASE

- Uryuu……hmm. They made him a LITTLE more chill than he was in the manga, but he was such a dramatic character in canon already that he still comes off pretty darn dramatic in the movie. I did really like his characterisation, but he had such little screentime that I’m finding it difficult to like… do any substantial comparisons to his manga character. I’m thinking I might need a rewatch to solidify my opinions on Uryuu. But his little scene at the very end with Ichigo after they all lose their memories of Rukia is very sweet and makes me wonder about their dynamic if they hadn’t had all this quincy-shinigami bs to sort through.

- Chad was in the movie even less than Uryuu, but I have no complaints about his characterisation. Pretty accurate to manga canon.

- Guys I LOVE Keigo in this movie. ‘He died on the spot’ Iconic roast. LET KEIGO ROAST ICHIGO 2K18

- Tatsuki was eh. She wasn’t in the movie long enough for me to really have an opinion on her characterisation, and it’s unfortunate that the only part of her character they brought from manga canon was the ‘give Orihime bad advice on how to date Ichigo’ part, but whatever. It’s not technically WRONG characterisation, just not the FULL characterisation.

- Orihime…………… god, Orihime. Look you guys know that even though I have my ‘and NONE FOR ORIHIME BYE’ days, they’re mostly in jest, and I actually do appreciate her as a character. I like her, mostly! I think she’s fascinating to write about and explore! I think she deserved good things, better things than what the ending set her up for!

- But I’d strangle movie Orihime without hesitation. Bye bitch

- OK, you know how you thought anime Orihime with her constant ‘Kurosaki-kun’s was annoying??? Movie orihime was WORSE. Movie Orihime? Straight up yandere. She literally doesn’t have a single appearance where she’s not talking about Ichigo or being weirdly jealous of Ichigo and Rukia’s friendship or worrying about Ichigo in an overbearing, over-the-top way. And I’m actually really frustrated and disappointed about this, because early Karakura Orihime was ACTUALLY A GOOD CHARACTER!!!!!! Orihime, imo, is the most egregious OOC in this movie. Which is a shame, because the rest of the characterisation was actually… ok and decent

- Renji and Byakuya….. ohhhh boy. Renji and Byakuya are characterised as straight up villains for the whole movie with no redemption. There’s no nuance of them being possibly friendly and/or having concern for Rukia at all throughout the whole movie, which could be OOC depending on how you look at it, but honestly it makes sense considering this movie only covers up to chapter 56 Broken Coda and does NONE of the SS arc. Basically, their characterisations are how we would characterise them based on the one time they came to collect Rukia. They’re cold, uncaring, think humans aren’t worth anything, and that emotions are a human weakness. RENJI STRAIGHT UP SWINGS A SWORD AT AN UNARMED CIVILIAN CLOTHED RUKIA (yes I know it happened in the manga too but. It’s a lot more shocking watching it happen real-time) and also STABBED!!!! URYUU!!!!!! IN THE BACK!!! WHILE HE WASN’T DOING ANYTHING THREATENING!!! So, uh, this movie really said ‘fuck renji rights’. God I’m imagining like… if ur introduction to Bleach was through this movie, and you decided to look up how the manga ends and it’s RENRUKI and you’re like ?????????????? THE DUDE SWUNG A SWORD AT HER????? Like FORGET IH, this movie really fucking hated rr. Which… im not mad about lmfao

- Final note on characterisation: as usual, IR fucking hard carries, but what ELSE is new for this franchise. Isshin was a surprising dark horse. Overall, characterisation FINE, not OOC with one glaring exception, but sometimes because of time constraints certain characters didn’t get their FULL RANGE of characterisation.

- THIRDLY: overall technical excellence of the movie in terms of script, camera angles, choreography, CGI, etc etc

- My one line summary for this is…. It’s an anime live action adaptation. I hope ur not expecting much from this department at all

- Like, in terms of is it a GOOD movie? Lmfao. I enjoyed the hell out of it, sure, but I don’t think someone who has no idea what bleach is would a) understand what the heck is going on OR b) find the story to be well-paced and well-told. Like, I KNEW what was coming and what was going on, and even I found the movie to be a bit disjointed, kind of like old metal machinery that needs oiling to get going.

- Honestly this movie is similar to the manga in that… technically speaking it’s not great, but its strengths lie in the character arcs and the overall poetic parallels it tries to pull. It may not have been the most artistically executed, but I could tell that they really tried to put the parallel in between IR protecting each other and Masaki dying to protect Ichigo. Like, an attempt was noted! It was appreciated! Obviously they don’t do it with as much grace as the manga did but y’know, they tried!

- The script was actually really great in this movie. Bleach is a very snarky manga and the script really showcases that. Everyone shows a lot of sass. I like that. The one exception to the script being good was whenever a hollow opened its mouth to speak. They really gave the hollows dialogue like ‘I WANT YOUR SOUL’ and ‘GIVE ME YOUR SOUL’…. Like. Someone got paid for that dialogue and they really shouldn’t have.

- I honestly don’t have an opinion on the CGI. Ro kept saying that the cgi was BAD and like I guess it was, but I’m pretty lenient about CGI in general. I already know it’s going to be CGI so unless it’s BLATANTLY fake I overlook it.

- But there is this ONE SCENE of Renji going into shikai that looks so awfully fake that even I was like ‘ok no that was BAD’ so I guess CGI bad

- The choreo in the fight scenes is messy and disjointed and very cringey. I can’t believe they managed to pull manga-style comical violence in REAL LIFE and make it look believable and funny, but couldn’t choreography a decent fight scene……. Man idk. I guess they really DID spend all their budget on making IR as excellent as possible.

- Overall: technically speaking it’s a terrible movie, but will that hinder your enjoyment of it? Probably not. Watch it just for the excellent banter.

- FINALLY: Miscellaneous yelling about various scenes through 120% Ichiruki-filtered glasses.

- Guys, this movie. This movie. They really sat down and said ‘ok give them literally every single early-karakura ichiruki fanfic trope situation ever’ and that’s it, that’s the movie

- ICHIGO KEEPS LEANING DOWN RIGHT INTO RUKIA’S FACE!!!! THEY HAVE NOOOOO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE!!!! Which I guess is canon but THEY KEEP!!!!! LEANING!!!!! INTO EACH OTHER!!!! I will DIE

- The sPARRING????????? THE SPARRING?????

- Ichigo smirks while sparring her. She’s kicking his ass and goddammit, he LIKES it

- They legit made Rukia tackle Ichigo and pin him to the ground and then they made Ichigo flip them around

- And then they made ORIHIME WALK IN ON THAT

- UN!!!! BELIEVABLE!!!!!!!

- (Sidenote: they made Orihime act so weirdly jealous of that?? Like… wtf orihime. You’re not his girlfriend like she has no rights to be acting like this…. Look the Orihime characterisation in this movie is A Mess)

- They have conversations through shut closet doors while ichigo’s lying on his bed THIS APPEARS IN EVERY. SINGLE. IR EARLY KARAKURA FIC EVER IM

- Ichigo: CAN YOU GET OUT OF MY CLOSET. NO YOU CAN’T LIVE IN MY HOUSE

- Also Ichigo, the INSTANT he can’t find Rukia in his closet: WHERE IS SHE. LET ME JUST RUN AROUND IN THE DARK OUTSIDE TO FIND HER. HEY URYUU HOW DO I GET TO THE AFTERLIFE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T BRING HER BACK. SO WHAT IF I DO, HUH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT. FIGHT ME

- Also ichigo becomes so much SOFTER towards Rukia after a certain point in this movie and…. God…… I love that you can see that switch in Sota’s acting. I’m going to CRY

- OK THIS IS A VERY SHORT SCENE BUT AT ONE POINT RUKIA LANDS ON A ROOFTOP WITH AN INJURED ICHIGO AND SHE LIT. RUBS HER HANDS ALL OVER THE BARE SKIN ON HIS CHEST BC SHE’S RUBBING MEDICINE INTO HIM!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! WHERE’S THE M-15 RATING ON THIS MOVIE BC SHE LEGIT!!! HAD HER HANDS!!!! ALL OVER HIM!!!!! Ro and I shouted abt this so much God

- The final fight is RIDICULOUS in terms of HOW MUCH ICHIGO WON’T STAY DOWN and it’s framed SO dramatically lmfao but y’know, it’s shot in a very IR light, I’ll take it

- Ro and I literally were just like IT’S THE POWER OF LOVE BITCH bc he legit just KEPT getting up it was ridiculous

- Also rukia’s final speech to ichigo after she does her whole broken coda ‘don’t touch my brother lowly human’ spiel is…. Beautiful. Fucking excellent

- ‘you’re rude and brash and I’m sick of all humans especially you’ but like. Why is this literally kate’s ’10 things I hate about you’ speech at the end of that movie

- ICHIGO DOESN’T TAKE HIS EYES OFF RUKIA THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S ERASING HIS MEMORIES. DOESN’T EVEN BLINK. THIS IS SOME EP 342 TEAS ALL OVER AGAIN. FUCK. I’M GOING TO!!!! DIE!!!

- Ok so my opinion on how they changed the end: it was necessary to tie things all up in one movie but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate the fact that ichigo ostensibly forgot rukia when in canon HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED

- I guess the final scene where he looks at her writing on his textbook and smiles could be a sort of clue that he’s starting to remember. Man idk I think I’d just feel really cheated as a viewer who isn’t coming from a bleach manga/anime background, that everyone just conveniently ‘forgot’. It’s equivalent to an ‘it was all a dream!’ kind of ending imo. It’s a copout. But at the same time I can see why it was necessary :’/

- Also, this exchange with uryuu at the end where they exchange hellos before pulling up short and going ‘wait- do I know you?’ ‘no. but good to know you’ was SO HEARTBREAKING BUT SO GOOD I REALLY DID LOVE THAT

- Whoo ok I’m SURE I’ve forgotten some details but this is already EXCESSIVELY long so. Final FINAL thoughts:

- The quality of the movie is, obviously, not great, but if you were worried about weird chara interpretations and relationships, don’t be. Unless you’re an IH/RRstan or an Orihime fan. This will not be a fun movie for you. But then again, you managed to work through 686 chapters of a manga that clearly wasn’t fun for you and seemed to be ok with it, so maybe this movie won’t bother you either.

- The script is surprisingly solid and has genuinely good, occasionally touching, snarky, sassy dialogue. Good attempts at poeticism and various parallels and callbacks.

- Ichiruki fucking hard carries, and so does isshin. I love uryuu but that may just be my uryuu bias talking.

- Objectively, maybe a 4, 5/10. Ichiruki-wise? 8/10. Obviously this was written in a high straight after the movie and like, maybe after a few days or like a rewatch or w/e my opinions may change. But rn? God I love stanning legends, viva la ichiruki fuck you

#bleach #bleach live action #ichiruki #fangirl life #incredible.... guys who wants to watch the movie again w me bc honestly im up for a massive rewatch #bleach liveblogging

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rike-with-love · 6 years ago

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Be Mine (chapter 4)

Pairings: Okikagu

Rating: M for mature content, bad language, violence, angst

Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama or it's characters, Sorachi Hideaki does. I only own this story.

Author’s notes: I have a link to my fanfiction masterlist on my profile. Please check it out for more chapters and fics!

Chapter 4

It has been one week since Umibouzu's news for Kagura. Kagura had been hiding at Yourozuya this whole time, she had been avoiding everyone. Kagura wasn't ready to tell everybody and she most definitely wasn't ready to tell a certain sadist about her engagement. Gintoki and Shinpachi had enough of Kagura's behavior.

”Kagura-chan, seriously, you have to get some fresh air and eventually you have to tell your friends about your...situation,” Shinpachi said to a sulking Kagura. ”Yes, and your absence from our jobs will be cut out of your paycheck, too bad,” Gintoki said behind his desk. ”We don't get paid you idiot!” Kagura and Shinpachi yelled in unison.

”Pachi-boy, don't get so worked up or your human might stop working,” Kagura said. ”I am a human, not glasses!” Shinpachi yelled. ”Yare, yare, Shinpachi it's not that you aren't a human, it's just that glasses take over your personality, it's only natural,” Gintoki said while hiding a bugger under his desk.

”Yes, and while your glasses are your personality, your human form is kind of your pet that you can drive around the city,” Kagura said. ”But...!” Shinpachi began. ”Yes Paches-kun, every straight glasses of a show needs a human to look smarter, it's only natural,” Gintoki said while flicking a bugger to Kagura's hair.

”Yes, Shinpaches, I think...” Kagura began as she was now shoving Gintoki's bugger back in his nose. Glasses, I mean Pachishin, I mean Meganeman was...oh what was his name again. ”You too author, are you kidding me?” Glasses yelled loudly. *The Shinpachi program has stopped working*

Meanwhile, Captain Okita was patrolling the city. He had been looking for Kagura for a week now. Every time he visited the Yorozuya shop. Gintoki and Shinpachi said that they were busy with some job and Kagura was unavailable. She hadn't been in the park with Sadaharu, she hadn't visited the riverbank either. It was very abnormal for Kagura.

Is she avoiding me, that would be a really shitty move from her part, I mean I thought she would be picking on me for my...behavior. Sougo thought. Maybe I'll try the Yourozuya shop again, she has to be there sometimes. Sougo decided in his mind.

*zzzhhh* ”Sougo, are you slacking off again?” I got a report from Yamazaki that you were out of your assigned patrol area.” Hijikata said through a walkie-talkie. ”Go die in a corner Hijibaka-san.” Sougo said and turned the device off. Oh, Yamazaki, you little snitch, I'll have to come up with a nice punishment for you. Sougo though with a sly smile.

Kagura was playing with her hair, she was thinking about her upcoming week. My last week as Edo's most desired bachelorette. I haven't seen any of my friends in a week. I really miss them and... ”Hello! Earth to Kagura!” Gintoki said. Kagura snapped out of her thoughts and looked at Gintoki. ”We have a job today, do you want to come with us?”He asked. ”Nah, I was thinking that I would go meet my friends,” Kagura answered.

”That's nice, do you mean the amazon, the goriwoman, and the s/m stalker?” Gintoki asked with a sigh. ”Yup, my friends,” Kagura said, slightly amused of Gintoki's accurate descriptions. ”Have fun Kagura-chan!” Shinpachi said while the two men and Sadaharu exited the shop. Kagura hopped up and went to change into her white and short cheongsam with red flower embroidment.

Kagura was about to leave, she slid the front door open and jumped at the sudden sight. There was a charming tall man at the door. Kagura's heart skipped a beat, the sadist was the last person she expected to see. Sougo was looking at her quite gently which made Kagura's feet go spaghetti.

”What the hell are you doing here jerk?” Kagura asked while she regained her confident posture. ”I...um...came to see you, I have something to tell you,” Sougo said to Kagura with a slightly nervous voice, he still was unsure around her. Sougo wasn't ready to take another hit to his ego. Kagura was looking at Sougo's face, which truly was quite handsome and very distracting.

”Can I come in?” Sougo asked politely. No-one is home, oh no no, I can't let him in. Kagura though, while crossing her arms. ”Nope, sorry, go somewhere else to slack off, yes? Bye!” Kagura said while sliding the door close, slipping past Sougo and jumping off the balcony.

Again, this shit is unbearable. She acted as a stupid brat again. Sougo thought with anger in his heart. ”You are breaking a police officer's heart you monster girl!” Sougo yelled after Kagura. ”Yeah, yeah, go die asshole!” Kagura yelled from afar. Sougo was angry, he decided to distract his feelings by finding Yamazaki and giving him some kind of a lesson.

Kagura's heart was pounding again because of the sadist. He is so annoying, popping up at our place without any warning, damn him. Kagura thought. It was a Tuesday afternoon. Kagura knew her friends had a tea party every Tuesday afternoon at Otae's place. Kagura was running to the Shimura residence with full speed.

”Tsukuyo, you need to understand that Gintoki is and always will be mine,” Sarutobi said to Tsukuyo and flicked her purple locks. Tsukuyo rolled her eyes as and sighed. ”Ladies, ladies, what about chicks before dic-” Otae was saying as somebody burst inside the house.

”Kagura-chan!” All three ladies said together. Kagura was huffing, but she managed to say: ”Huff, hello Tsukki, Sa-chan, anego...huff huff, I came here with news...” ”Please sit down and have some tea first Kagura-chan,” Otae said and made Kagura sit down. Shinpachi had already informed Otae, but she waited for Kagura to come to her when she was ready to talk about it.

After a plate full of snacks made by Sarutobi (not Otae, thank god) and six cups of tea were devoured by Kagura, she went silent. ”Is there something you want to tell us Kagura-chan?” Otae asked with a happy smile. Kagura looked at her earth sister and nodded a couple of times.

”Is everything okay Kagura-chan?” Tsukuyo inquired. ”Well, I'm getting married, in a few weeks actually,” Kagura said neutrally. Tsukuyo and Sarutobi both gasped and kept looking at Kagura. Otae stayed calm and gave Kagura a knowing nod. Oh, Shinpachi must have told her already. Kagura thought.

”WHAT, IN FEW WEEKS? But I was supposed to get married first, with Gintoki of course.” Sarutobi cried. ”To whom Kagura, why haven't we met him? Or...do we know him already?” Tsukuyo asked while gently touching Kagura's arm. ”You don't know him, he is a notable Yato, he even has his own group, so I'm going to become the queen of the Kuro Orochi,” Kagura said with a cheerful voice.

”Well, that is surprising, but why haven't you introduced him to us, we need to approve your boyfriend...I mean fianceé,” Tsukuyo said. ”Umm...How should I put this, I haven't met him myself either,” Kagura said while stroking her imaginary beard. ”WHAT?!” Tsukuyo and Sarutobi yelled. ”It has been arranged a long time ago, that's what Shinpachi told me,” Otae said.

Kagura nodded as an answer. ”Why haven't you told us earlier, you selfish bitch!” Sarutobi yelled at Otae. A vein started popping on Otae's forehead. ”Calm down guys, we should focus on Kagura-chan,” Tsukuyo said, she was as caring as ever. ”It's okay guys, I'm not 100% happy about this engagement, but it is happening, I know why this arrangement has been made and I'll just have to accept it,” Kagura said with a calm voice.

”You are acting like an adult. Kagura-chan, I thought you would be booking a flight to somewhere you couldn't be found,” Otae said to Kagura. ”Yeah, the gorilla woman is right, I don't think I could be so calm in that situation,” Sarutobi said. ”It's just there's one problem...” Kagura said while she touched that sensitive part of her neck.

”I'm afraid that I can't fall in love with my future husband because...I...” Kagura said quietly. ”Because you are so inexperienced?” ”Because you don't know how to cook?” ”Because you are so violent and boyish?” Questions were flying at Kagura and she didn't hear who said what.

”What are you talking about? I'm not talking about why he wouldn't love me, it's the complete opposite situation,” Kagura said slightly agitated. Kagura's words went to deaf ears, now she was getting tips and advice on how to become the dream wife.

Sarutobi: ”You need more experience in bedroom skills. Men love when you just let them do anything they want to you without resistance. Just like Gin-chan is always torturing me with his words of ”passion”. Just put on a skimpy lingerie and lay on the kitchen table everytime they get home from work. That's the key to a working marriage.”

Otae: ”A way to a man's heart is by cooking of course. I'll promise you that in a few weeks I'll teach you to be the most versatile and absolute best cook in the whole galaxy. Also, you have to make him buy you Dom Perignon every night from my cabaret bar, that'll make me...umm him very happy. That's the key to a working marriage.”

Tsukuyo: ”Umm...well, it's not so hard if you just get drunk every time you two are alone. That's the key to a working marriage.” Kagura facepalmed herself and thought: Without a doubt, these three must be the worst pieces of advice I could get in Edo. At least they mean well, I hope.

”Okay, thank you for your...advices...I'll keep them in mind. My fianceé arrives to Edo in one week. So this is my last week as a single woman,” Kagura said with a slight smile. ”We have to celebrate! Strippers! Or maybe just Gintoki, a private show for me. What a great idea Kagura-chan!” Sarutobi screamed. Otae was smiling and Tsukuyo was shaking her head. ”Hey Kagura, if you want to do something fun tonight, I could use some night patrol help in Yoshiwara,” Tsukuyo said while lighting up her kiseru.

”Oh, I would love that Tsukki!” Kagura said with a genuine smile. ”I love to beat up stupid drunkards, I'm in.” Kagura said and got up. ”Alright, meet me at 9:00 pm at Hinowa's” Tsukuyo said, she thanked for the tea and left. Sarutobi was already gone, her day job as Gintoki's personal stalker needed her attention. Otae smiled for Kagura and said: ”Was there any other reason for you to be unsure of your marriage?”

Kagura knew Otae would see right through her lies so she said: ”Yes, there is, but I don't want to think about it right now, is that okay Anego?” ”Of course it is Kagura-chan, just know that I'll be there for you if you need me,” Otae said with her usual smile. That made Kagura happy and she hugged Otae tightly as a thank you, then she left to get ready for her night patrol.

Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Sadaharu had all returned home while Kagura was gone. ”Hi guys!” Kagura cheered as she walked inside the Yorozuya. ”Somebody is in a good mood,” Shinpachi said. Kagura smiled to him as an answer. ”Oh, Gin-chan, Sa-chan had some weird stripping plan for you, so keep your eyes open, or closed,” Kagura informed. Gintoki massaged his forehead and gave Kagura a nod. ”Don't spoil the surprise Kagura!” a voice was heard inside the ceiling.

”I'm going on a night patrol with Tsukki. That will make me think about something other that sadi...aahmm...sa...Sadaharu being all alone here, uh-huh,” Kagura said while rubbing the back of her head. Both men were too busy doing their own thing that neither noticed her small slip. I didn't say sadist, no I didn't. Kagura thought.

Kagura had a red (obvious choice) kimono that was quite short, but she didn't mind, she was very comfortable with every clothing that made it easier to kick stuff (and sometimes she was quite oblivious about her sex appeal). Every time Kagura wore a kimono, she put her hair in one big braid, it was fun to whip people with it. After getting her hair done, she was on her way to Yoshiwara.

Tsukuyo, Kagura, and hyakka had a busy night that day. There were a lot of drunk idiots on the move. Kagura was enjoying herself and that made Tsukuyo very happy. At the dawn, Kagura and Tsukuyo were sitting on a rooftop of a tall building.

”Are you going to miss earth?” Tsukuyo asked. Kagura hummed. ”Are you going to miss everybody here? Tsukuyo asked again. ”Yeah...” Kagura said with a quiet voice. ”Hmm...Kagura-chan, are you going to miss someone specific, maybe someone from the Shinsengumi?” Tsukuyo asked further. Kagura's cheeks went all red and she said: ”No-no, of course not, I'm not going to miss sadist, WHAT? I didn't say that, you said that, what..?”

Tsukuyo smiled gently and said to a flushed Kagura: ”Your secret is safe with me, my lips are sealed,” Kagura calmed down and smiled for the leader of hyakka. ”Uh, I don't know what are you talking about, but your secret is safe with me too, Tsukki,” Kagura said with a wink. Tsukuyo looked at Kagura with a light tint of pink on her cheeks. ”I've seen how you look at Gin-chan. It's okay Tsukki, but I have to get going now,” Kagura said and she began to jump from roof to roof. ”I don't know what you are talking about!” Tsukuyo flustered.

Kagura had so much fun night patrolling, she decided to do it every night. A week passed and it was the night before she would meet her fianceé. Yoshiwara was full of people, even some members of the Shinsengumi were there to do some big arrest. Kagura saw the familiar uniforms everywhere and was secretly hoping that her rival would be there too.

Captain Okita of the Shinsengumi was ordered to be on guard as the arrest was going to happen inside some shady love hotel. He was bored out of his mind, he really didn't like being in Yoshiwara. Then he heard a man and a woman argue in a nearby back alley. Sougo decided to inspect the situation, and that's when things got really interesting.

Kagura was yelling at some tall drunkard that he should go home and stop harassing women. ”You don't have enough money and you don't have enough manners. So go home and get some sleep, yes?” Kagura stated. The man was stupid enough to try to kiss Kagura. She froze at the sudden action. Out of nowhere, the man was pushed away from Kagura and he had a katana pointed at his neck.

”Get away from her, there are prettier courtesans available for you,” Sougo said while his crimson eyes were glowing under the red lights. The man squeaked weirdly and left running. Sougo put his katana back in its scabbard. ”No need to thank me China, I only saved your ass for the millionth time,” Sougo said without looking at Kagura.

”That situation was completely under my control, you just were being a glory hog as usual. And what do you mean prettier courtesans, I have mami's supermodel genes and I am gorgeous.” Kagura said with pure confidence. Sougo looked at Kagura. She was a sight to be seen, her hair matched her kimono perfectly. That kimono was not for everyone, but the long-legged Kagura pulled it off.

”So are you a prostitute now?” Sougo inquired. Kagura stomped her leg to the ground. ”Of course not! But that's not the point,” She hissed. Sougo glanced at Kagura and tilted his head slightly. ”I meant that my beauty is flawless, any man would be lucky to have me,” Kagura bragged. Sougo huffed and said: ”Oh, so you were hitting on that man?”

Sougo took a step closer to her. ”N-no, I wasn't,” Kagura mumbled. As Sougo was getting closer to her. Kagura's mouth was dry again, all it took was his presence. Kagura had to back away from him, only to be stopped by a wall. Sougo smirked and slowly closed their distance. Sougo pressed his right arm on the left side of Kagura's head and leaned into her right ear: ”You are way too beautiful to be touched by a man like that.”

Kagura's cheeks blushed immediately. Sougo had one question for Kagura that he needed to ask. ”Where have you been China? Are you avoiding me?” Sougo asked and shifted to look into her eyes. Being close like that felt intoxicating for both of them. ”Huh?” Kagura breathed. She was resisting the urge to tackle him down and kiss his stupid mouth.

”You know China, you are really breaking my heart for not answering my questions.” Sougo murmured to her. Kagura glanced into his tempting eyes and swallowed slowly. This was the smart moment to tell him about her engagement, but her brain wasn't working properly.

Kagura grabbed Sougo's jacket and pulled him a little closer. They were looking at each other with half-lidded eyes. Under the red lights, even a hidden yearning can rise up. There was an undeniable attraction that was four years into making. ”Sadist...” Kagura whispered. Sougo wanted this feeling to last forever. Having Kagura so close to him, almost close enough to taste.

”China...this time, let me kiss you,” Sougo whispered into Kagura's ear. Kagura's breathing got heavier as she heard his demanding plea. Kagura closed her eyes and parted her lips as to say something. Sougo tilted his head, nothing could stop him this time around. Sougo closed his eyes and went for her lips.

”Sadist...uh...I'm engaged.” Kagura managed to say right before their lips touched. Sougo's eyes popped open and he backed away. Kagura was looking at him with wide eyes. ”You, WHAT?” Sougo asked loudly. ”I'm engaged, I just learned about it two weeks ago,” Kagura tried to explain.

Sougo turned his back on Kagura, he didn't know what to say. ”Sadist?” Kagura called him but didn't get any response. They stood there for a minute in total silence. Kagura began to feel really awkward and she decided to leave. ”I'm sorry,” Kagura said and ran away.

Sougo heard her steps getting further away. He lost all feeling on his feet and he collapsed on his knees. A small teardrop slid down his cheek onto the ground. Sougo couldn't believe it, first, he thought it was some sick joke, but no, Kagura seemed to be serious. Why is this happening? I've been saying that China is breaking my heart for doing something stupid, but now she really broke it. Fuck.

”Sougo! What are you doing back there?” Hijikata yelled from the street. Sougo got up quickly, wiped his eyes just in case. ”I'm taking a shit here, some privacy would be nice.” Sougo hissed. ”Well, you have to finish later we are done here, let's get going!” Hijikata said. ”Yeah, let's go,” Sougo said and walked past Hijikata while hiding his hurt eyes behind his bangs. Hijikata saw that something was wrong, but he knew better to leave him alone.

#okikagu #gintama #okita sougo #kagura #okita x kagura #fanfiction

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russellthornton · 8 years ago

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Backup Boyfriend: Are You Her Main Man or Just One of Her Extras?

Got the feeling your partner isn’t ride or die? Here are a few signs you’ll definitely see in your relationship if you’re the backup boyfriend.

I’ve come across lots of different types of girls. And I’ve been in situations where I was being played. I’ve even realized after a relationship ended that I was probably the backup boyfriend.

So, I want to share some insider experience that might help you avoid getting into the same situation.

First, here’s the deal

The feminine are trained from young to covertly play their options. They’ll do this while presenting a Holier Than Thou front. Ask yourself, when’s the last time you read a magazine that gives out dating/seduction tips?

Well, the feminine begin this from absurdly young ages. By comparison, guys are like lambs sent out to slaughter when it comes to the relationship game. Usually, it’s only a very confident male or older experienced guy that has a chance of not being wrapped around the thumb of feminine strategy.

It’s called hypergamy. Hypergamy basically means that the feminine keeps their sexual options open. They do this for obvious reasons: to choose the highest value sexual option available in their life. Sometimes the feminine even wait for that option even if it’s unavailable. [Read: Hypergamy – Motivation for perfection or sexist stupidity?]

Intense realism

Now, I’m not trying to demonize the feminine. I just think it’s essential to be very realistic and non-idealistic if you’re going to avoid becoming the backup boyfriend. Guys are the same in many ways. Guys also go for the most attractive choice they feel they can get.

The difference is, the average girl has FAR more options than the average guy. For this reason, guys need to develop strong skills or ‘game’ to remind their partner of what they would lose. Think about it: would you choose to stay at a lower professional grade? With longer hours and less pay/satisfaction? Would you do it just to not offend your competition?

Well likewise, traits like: height, intelligence, and physical prowess are highly sought after because they are highly inheritable. A girl invests a lot of her life and emotional capital raising offspring. So, she wants to make sure she has the best candidate to provide security, provisions, and good social standing. [Read: 15 things women look for in a man before falling for him]

With that said…

Key – ‘The Talk’

Firstly, is your partner even at this stage where they’re looking for an exclusive relationship? If you haven’t had ‘the talk’, where a decision was made that you two are exclusive, then I’d assume all bets are still on.

‘Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time.’

These were wise words from the sister of one of my ex-girlfriends. There’s no use in denying reality. If your partner’s 18 and going out four nights a week with friends—and drunk texting you—you may be trying to hold onto the wind. [Read: Talking to someone about your relationship – DTR made easy]

The signs you’re the backup boyfriend

Let’s get into the signs…

#1 Does she always seem distracted? I remember being invited to see a play with a girl I’d started hanging with. It seemed like a cool surprise at the time. Sometimes she got free tickets to events because of where she worked. It was a cool play too.

After the show, we talked in the lounge. But I noticed her laughing at things I said that weren’t even remotely funny. Actually, she was barely listening. Distracted. Simply tolerating my company. Then she told me about the guy who gave her the tickets.

She looked around nervously several times. ‘Let’s wait, I want you to meet him,’ she asked me. I suddenly connected the dots. I realized she’d taken me to the play to make him jealous. I got out of there pronto with a slick excuse. Cos’ I don’t play that. [Read: How to be an alpha male: Unleash the irresistible inner you]

#2 Listen to your intuition, bro. The gut has been described as the second brain. This is because it has a strong link to the nervous system. Brain-regulating chemicals dopamine and serotonin are also present in the gut. This link between the gut and brain is why you hear advice like follow your gut.

You may also hear people say they ‘had a gut feeling.’ People have subconscious insights and feel them in their gut. This is the case for both women AND men. So PLEAAASE don’t buy into the fallacy that there is only a woman’s intuition. The feminine often use this as a way of shaming guys for using their common sense.

This shaming convention lets them women away with anything. Guys are discouraged from questioning women’s behaviors. Screw that!

If you suddenly start getting the feeling that she’s not down to ride 100% or something has changed, LISTEN to that feeling. Don’t ignore warning signs that your partner is cheating. [Read: How to tell if your girlfriend is cheating]

#3 Are they not available on the weekends? We typically work Monday to Friday—grinding and outworking the competition. Then… the weekend comes along and we get a respite. When you’re really into someone you can’t wait to spend time with them in your free time.

If your partner’s usually up to other things with other people on the weekend, when you invite them out, you’re probably not up there on their list of priorities. [Read: 10 sure signs the girl you like is just using you]

#4 Are they posting pics with another guy? Sometimes we can be straight up dummies when we’re in love. We see an obvious sign pointing us straight in the face and try to assume the best. No! Assume anything is possible and assess patterns honestly. Being blind to the truth does not help you!

Nor does it make you a good person. It makes you foolish and naïve. If there’s no obvious reason for your partner to have 100 pictures with some guy, or many different guys, then find out what’s happening.

If she’s on a dating site like Tinder or PlentyofFish—smh. Major thumbs down.

#5 Are you always wondering if she’s cheating? Some people will read my advice above *#4* and think I’m promoting paranoia. That’s not what I’m saying. In fact, if you always wonder whether your partner’s cheating then the chance of you becoming the backup boyfriend is way higher.

This is because we naturally find it repulsive when our partner is too needy, suspicious, or insecure. Neediness and insecurity are unhealthy traits. So, if it’s become the norm in how you think then you probably reveal this to your partner in subtle ways.

And you need to do something about it. If they have any sense they’ll want to find a more secure person. So be careful of sabotaging your own relationship. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness – 12 ways you can ruin your life]

#6 Does your partner get emotionally stimulated? When I broke up with one of my long-term exes it was like hitting the eye of a storm… All emotions seemed to drain from her. No reactions. No anger. Just distance and dispassionate disgust. *Disgust is a surprisingly unemotional reaction, psychologically speaking—it’s how the Nazi’s rationalized their discrimination*.

Anger, frustration, desire, joy—the full gamut of passionate emotions by your partner towards you are great, great signs of emotional investment in you. They mean that what you do or don’t do really matters to your partner. You are a priority. If you don’t trigger this emotional stimulation, it may mean someone else matters far more, if you catch my drift.

#7 Do they test you? I appreciate good competitive banter. I didn’t always used to see it that way though. This was because I didn’t understand that being challenged by my partner was a positive thing. It was her attempt to allow me to show her that I was The Man through my solid reactions.

It was also a great indicator of long-term emotional interest. Think about it this way: if you have a good investment you want to protect it. The feminine is designed to poke and prod at the masculine to ensure its integrity. In my opinion, if they don’t seem to care about how solid you are this is not a good sign. [Read: Shit test – What it is and how to successfully pass them all]

#8 Do they act ninja with their phone? If a girl I’m seeing starts to act covertly with her phone, my suspicions glow. Now, I can’t prove this sign is bad but you’d need to be a moron to not consider it as a potential warning sign. Look, if someone behaves like they got something to hide then maybe they do.

#9 Do their behaviors say something else? That last point leads me to this subheading. This one’s so key that I want to write this whole section in ALL CAPS. But I won’t cos I love you…

People will talk a good game just to get their way. I can’t begin to tell you how naïve I was to this fact as a kid/young adult. Now however, I take it as a service to #self-respect and #truth to watch how someone is actually behaving separate from their words.

If you’re very agreeable in your personality, then you may be more vulnerable to verbal deception. You probably don’t want to be accused of being an asshole. Screw that! Every guy needs to know how important it is to clock behaviors over words. And the feminine is notorious for saying one thing and doing another. It’s called ‘a woman’s prerogative.’

Problem is, this society celebrates that lack of responsibility. It becomes a woman’s suit of armor to say one thing and act another way. It’s like saying ‘I will deceive you, but this is my right.’ This is partly because psychologically truth, for a woman, depends on how they feel in the moment. Rather than the reality of facts. [Read: What is benching? 17 signs you’re being strung along right now]

This goes deep. For example, she may have another guy but feel justified deep in her belly. So, to her, she’s doing nothing wrong. Your job is to separate her words from her behaviors and judge her based mainly on this. Ignore this fundamental rule at your own peril. [Read: Be careful who you trust: How to beware of backstabbers]

#10 Do their friends act strange around you? If your partner’s friends act weird around you, watch out, for example, if they seem guilty, awkward, or dismissive when they meet you. The feminine talk and gossip a lot. In detail. They might know something about your partner’s love life that you don’t.

[Read: 15 signs a girl is leading you on and taking you nowhere]

The feminine can feel justified to have multiple partners or options for lots of reasons. Your best weapon is to cultivate strong pure awareness to reality and don’t end up being the backup boyfriend.

The post Backup Boyfriend: Are You Her Main Man or Just One of Her Extras? is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

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