#and girl starts to try and stab me shes obv bad at it and seems abit too happy to be doing this. i panic

[gloriousmonsters]

filed under ‘fics that i don’t know if i’ll write because i don’t know where it would GO but the idea is just really funny to me’: scenario where xue yang was basically supposed to leave out the front door and come back in thru the back when jgy publicly disowned him, and he got attacked by unrelated/not In the Know people which is how he wound up in that ditch, so jgy’s just been sitting in jinlintai like ‘...is he dead? no, he’s too mean to die. where is he doesn’t he know we have a work contract’ (xy doesn’t think work contracts are real. if he likes you very very much he will consider complying with it, but it’s like. a suggestion)

and in the second-ish year of xy living in Yi City sends su she to look for him like Could You Please Remind Him That As Per My Last Email He Was Supposed To Check In :) Thank You anyway sms manages to successfully hunt him up and is treated to the EXTREMELY fucking baffling sight of xy shopping for groceries. with a blind priest. and an extremely foulmouthed teen girl. xy is making frantic shushing motions at him. is this some kind of elaborate prank

(under the cut bc it got a bit long lol)

of course sms winds up invited to dinner because xxc is like ‘oh, a friend of... my friend! please join us!’ and sms is silently mouthing is that xiao fucking xingchen at xy and a-qing is losing her shit internally over New Suspicious Guy but can’t do anything about it and xy really doesn’t want sms to come to dinner because he’s out of that life now!! he’s gotta think of the family and he doesn’t want to come back for one last job! but he can’t say that without (a) being suspicious and (b) looking uncool so. dinner it is

but like, it’s FINE despite everything being super awkward until a-qing swears at the table and xxc apologizes and sms, without thinking, is like ‘it’s fine. some of my disciples come off the streets, i know what it’s like’

xxc suddenly gets interested and also lights up like--my friend, your friend is a sect leader? one who takes in children from the streets? sms, mildly panicked, is like uhhh yes, i started my sect pretty recently, have my default little speech about how i think inner/outer disciple separations and too much value placed on blood relation are both bad ideas. xxc is vehemently like i absolutely agree and this is about the time xue yang remembers right, he and song lan wanted to start a sect that was all equal and unaffiliated and shit, and his stomach drops. he tries to inject sarcastic commentary but it’s too late. sms and xxc are talking enthusiastically now

It Gets Worse because then sms has to bring up the watchtowers and xxc is like ‘....there’s a chief cultivator who implemented something like that? wow maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought’ which is just an open invitation for sms to wax fucking POETIC about jin guangyao, and xy is on the verge of stabbing him and taking what may come after when sms gets the utterly terrifying look of having had an Idea and says ‘actually, your friend and I met while working for him’

(xy is mouthing both what are you doing and i am going to fucking gut you across the table. sms ignores him, which is annoying. clearly two years have given him an unforgivable amount of confidence)

xxc is like ???! but quickly states that he didn’t want to talk about the past if his friend didn’t (thank you, daozhang) but sms is like ‘of course, we’ve just been quite worried about him--he did important work and then he vanished...’ significant pause ‘around the time jin-zongzhu came into the position and began to try and change things, so we thought...’ and xy is staring at him like. are you trying to imply I wound up in a ditch because someone attacked me due to working for an unpopular humanitarian leader. that’s the stupidest shit I ever--glances to the side, finds out that xxc is clearly coming to that conclusion too, and he looks fucking enchanted. he is clearly forming a whole possible narrative in his head where xy worked to improve the world and was just too humble to mention it or something

at this point xy starts trying to do some calculation in his head for a minute like ‘i mean did my corpse research indirectly contribute to all the front-facing nice shit a-yao does? i guess i killed a fair few political opponents and etc for him’ and doesn’t answer ‘he’s talking shit’ with quite enough conviction when xxc asks ‘my friend, is that true?’. it’s done for. xxc is convinced he had a Secret Noble Past now

and of course this is about the time sms swings into his ‘why don’t all of you come back to koi tower’ pitch with all the subtlety of someone trying to sell them on a pyramid scheme

xy’s pissed but also conflicted like... he did like working with a-yao, and more importantly he guesses that saying no would make things a lot less friendly between them, and xxc is clearly torn between not wanting to get involved in the world again but... if you have important work you could be doing, my friend... and a-qing could go to a Good School... and neither of you want to just. leave me behind (the one thing a-qing and xy are vehemently agreeing on) maybe... maybe we should think about it? a-qing is against it until sms, who’s managed to sink a few skill points into convincing kids that being a cultivator would be cool, actually, suggests that if she learned some cultivational skills she could hit people with her stick way more effectively, and then she’s conflicted too. although this whole thing seems super suspicious

at one point sms accidentally (’accidentally’) calls xy ‘chengmei’ and xxc is just quietly having a Moment over ‘oh my god his name relates to gentlemanly and helpful behavior that’s amazing...’ while xy fumes

this is point where i like. have no idea where it would really Go and a number of the places would be pretty dark, but in some other respects it could be a.... fix-it? fix-some-things-and-make-others-worse? but obv i have spent a While thinking about the first part so hopefully it can be exorcised from my brain now

[lunaekalenda]

heyy congrats on 500! 👄💰🥲 or 💖 (i can’t choose but maybe a mix of both?) with eren plz:)

obv! thank you so much for participating and i hope you like it! <3

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enemies to lovers + mafia au + romantic tragicomedia feat. Eren Jaeger

introduced original characters, mentions of blood.

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Eren Jaeger. The actual and young head of the Jaeger family. He wasn’t an easy prey, his family was one of the most important ones in this city. He moves a huge amount of money every day, heir of all the things his parents made on the past.

Unlucky him they have hired you. 

You’re the secret weapon of the Müller family. The child they trained since little to seduce and play with other’s minds to know all of them. You only need to get closer to him and discover all the Jaeger secrets. With which families are they allied. How many money do they count. How many of them are now.

If they hired an Ackerman to kill the clan that contracted you.

The Ackermans are also a really well known clan, famous for being silent and skilled assassins. Specially two of them. Levi Ackerman. The man who built again the reputation of his family. Mikasa Ackerman. The girl who protects Eren Jaeger, because the Ackerman clan knows how many benefits they can get just from protecting the young man. Your instructions are easy, but you know the plan isn’t it. Entering the Jaeger mansion is really complicated: there are guards everywhere. Eren rarely goes out of the mansion, so it’s almost impossible to make it like a casual encounter, the typical encounter between two people that ends with a coffee. You have to enter like every single soul that had meet Eren before: trough money, contracts and secrets. It’s the only way to treat directly with him. Negotiations. Dirty treats.

"I have information about the Müllers."

That false information is the key to your reunion with Eren. You're dressed for the occasion, really well-dressed. The man in front of you talks to a brown-haired girl, and she leaves, going to tell the info to a person who you suppose it's Eren. He listens the orders once she comes back and you look around, analyzing. There are big paintings on the walls, most of them from really famous painters. The corridor you're waiting in is decorated with huge glass lamps that make all the little cristal drops shine in all directions. You don't know who those two are. The tallest one, who has an undercut, nods to the other.

"You can pass." he says. "But he will make you a control. Please, take out your jacket and all the things we can easily found and claim as suspicious, such as..."

"I know, I know. Knifes, guns or another harmful things. I’m empty.” You put your bag in the tallest’s hands. He revises it while the other touches your body superficially, trying to find any hint of a weapon. The little stylet you have on your boot its cold against your leg, and it could hurt you with any abrupt movement. The boy with the bag gives it back to you. The other releases you arms. 

“Take the stairs and wait on the corridor of the second plant. Someone will call you to talk with him.” You nod quietly and make your way to the stairs. Quickly, a blonde boy appears, opening the door from Eren’s office.

“Come in. Boss waits for you.”

You enter before the blonde man, who closes the door fast, almost getting your leg with it. The movement made the stylet cut a little wound on your leg. You walk cautiously, trying not to get the stylet too close to your skin. The fact that you’re wearing the stylet without case is simple: Is a punishment. You had orders to kill someone on your last mission and doubted, so now they want the stylet to cut you, trying to make you regret the failed assassination. But you’ve learned, and you have strict orders to kill Eren Jaeger if he knows too much. The light of the room surprises you, the curtains moving quietly because of the wind that enters from the open window behind the desk, where a tall figure is sitting.

Even when you’ve seen Eren Jaeger before, on pictures the Müllers shown you, you never thought he’ll be so imposing. His dark hair is tied on a messy bun on the back part of his head, and he’s wearing a white shirt he has unbuttoned until the middle. His green eyes look tired, a little shadow under them. He takes his gaze far from the documents and tilts his head a little to thank the blonde boy, that does the same and disappears. He invites you to sit, moving his eyes from your body to the chair in front of him. You sit, your bag on your knees. Eren seems young, maybe he’s on his early twenties. His sharp jaw tenses when he sees you eyes looking the documents with curiosity. You got to read the title of some of them: they are hiring contracts with Ackermans and some transactions about enterprises being bought by the Jaegers.

During your training, they taught you how to read upside down, really fast. That’s because once you arrive on someone’s office to get info, the papers will be facing them. A normal person would take their time to read, making obvious they’re trying to get something. You can read them fast.

“If you’re here to try to get some information.” His voice sounds bored, maybe too tired, as if he doesn’t enjoy the fact that his family is one of the most important ones. Maybe he doesn’t like this? “You’re going to go back with empty hands”

It’s not time to feel compassion. You’re hired. You have a work. 

“I’m here to give information to you, not to steal it from you.” You talk. You know how to modulate your voice, try to make him think you’re nervous for being there, as if you fear for your life just for opening your mouth. Eren raises an eyebrow, as if he was inviting you to talk. “The Müllers.” Now, it’s time to make a credible story to make Eren feel curiosity. To make him want to know more. He’ll protect anything that would help him to destroy the Müllers, so he’ll probably protect you once he believes you can get information for him. You can make him hire you. Eren leans back on his chair.

“I’m listening.”

“They lost their protection. A bad made pact or something like that.” you don’t want to be really specific, that would just uncover your lie. “The clan that worked for them left because of a better work offer.” This wasn’t a lie after all. The Müller did lost their protection, but they quickly found another one, keeping that pact in secret for everyone. Eren looks to his fingers on the table, his head resting on his free hand. He nods quietly.

“You know this pacts from inside, don’t you?” his question, made with the same deep and tired voice, caught you by surprise. He sighs. “You entered and looked directly to my desk. This could be an unfortunate coincidence, you entered and felt curiosity about the papers, that’s just an human feeling. A normal person that enters my office looks down at the papers and then leaves them be, they’re upside down for them. You read them, quite fast i could say.” He takes the papers. “How many of them were you able to read?” You stay silent. He smirks. “Also, isn’t your leg hurt?” he asks. It’s impossible he knows you’re carrying a weapon with you. “I saw you had trouble landing that foot correctly when you walked in.” 

“Just a bad landing,” You answer. He nods, slowly. He knows something.

“How much do you gain with this mission?” he asks. His green tired eyes are looking directly to you. 

“Wh-what mission?” you ask, trying to act innocent. A sarcastic laugh leaves his lips.

“Stop fucking acting.” he takes out some papers. “Y/N, do you recognize this paper?” he gives it to you. 

“My contract?” You think for yourself. There it is: your name, surname, a photo, quantity you gain with this and your signature. 

“I should say, if this is permitted, that you’re much prettier now that in that pic.” He says, calmly. His smirk hasn’t disappeared. “I’ll give you a counteroffer.” He says. “I’m tired of playing hide and seek with all those bastards.” He knows too much. He discovered your plans.

You’re fast when you take the stylet out of your boot, your blood dripping from the file, getting up and leaning on the table to stab him. You’re fast moving it to his neck, but he’s faster. His hand gets your wrist, stronger than you think, making you unable to move it, and he takes the stylet out of your immobilized hand. He looks at it, with your wrist caged on his hand. You can’t sit, he’s pulling you to stay in that position - legs half flexed, the elbow against the table, his green eyes really close to yours.- It’s uncomfortable. 

“You took a risk, didn’t you, hm?” he asks. His voice is now lower. He stopped your stab. The price you pay for a bad executed assassination is death. 

They are going to kill you.

If Eren doesn’t kill you first. Tears start to run from your eyes. You don’t wanna cry, and less in front of him, but the thought of the consequences once you get home again scare you so much. Eren hisses. 

“The cute assassin is crying?” he jokes, his free hand getting some tears from your face. He doesn’t let your wrist. “I’ve heard the Müller are a really moral-questionable family, aren’t they?” he says. He knows about the consequences. “Once more, I have a counteroffer for you.” he leaves your wrist. You sit again, the skin where he grabbed you starting to change from red to a painful purple. He looks at it. “Sorry, used too much strength.” He takes out an empty contract formulary. 

You try to calm yourself. Should you accept it? The betray is also punished with death. They’ll kill you in any way. The green-eyed boy in front of you is your only way to scape.

“Only if you protect me from them.” Eren smirks.

“Granted.”

He doesn’t want to know the Müller secrets, he doesn’t have interest in that. His older brother, Zeke Jaeger, was the one that searched problems. Eren just wants to stay quiet and make easy money without getting his hands covered with blood. He doesn’t want to get in trouble with other families. He doesn’t want to kill, he’s tired of that.  He sits and starts to make your contract. You look how his hands write fast your information. 

“Why?” you ask. All the shock of the previous events didn’t let you think straight. He raises an eyebrow.

“Why what? Speak properly, hm?”

“Why aren’t you going to kill me? I tried to kill you. That’s how this works. One life for another.” Eren keeps writing, unbothered. 

“That’s how it works in Müller’s rules.” he says. “I don’t like that dynamics. Send someone to kill another one.” he answers simply. You look at him. He isn’t a bad person. He isn’t the man everybody talked about. That’s a fake Eren, made by rumors. The boy in front of you is just someone making business. Maybe not in the cleanest way, but at least he doesn’t kill. “I don’t like to kill. And less if the other person is just following orders, scared about the consequences.” He looks at you. It seems you started to calm down. 

“How are you going to cover me?”

“Faking your death. You know I don’t like to go out of the mansion, I saw you walking around it from the window this last days.” You are really surprised. He’s smart, so smart. “I need someone to help with my investments. You don’t need to go out of the mansion.” 

He was strangely calm to be negotiating with the enemy. 

“I could take out another knife and kill you, you know?” you say. He smiles.

“If you announced it, then you’re not going to do it.” He keeps writing. You nod quietly. “I need you to sign here.” He offers you the fountain pen. You could harm him with that. Your hand takes the pen in stabbing position. He sees you from the corner of the eye.

“I wouldn’t do that.” he says, calmly. “Remember that is your life the one risking, not mine.” He’s right. You sigh and sign the contract. Eren smiles.

“You should read the contract before signing.” he says, his voice being like a joke melody. 

“Whatever you’ve put there is better than the punishment of the Müller.” you say, throwing the pen back to him. He catches it easily. 

“Fine, then. You won’t get a single coin in the first year working here.” He says. Wait, was that in the contract? “You tried to kill me. I’m kind, but not that much.”

“But-” He gets up and walks towards you. His green eyes are now close to yours, his breath almost mixing with yours. He smells good.

“But?” he asks. One of his strands of hair move with him, touching your face quietly. He’s really attractive, and so near... 

“How am I supposed to eat?” Eren thinks.

“There are a hundred ways to gain extra pays, you know? Helping on the kitchen, reading my letters or preparing my baths.” he says. “Maybe I could be extra kind and let you have a bath with me.” You can hear the joke in his voice.

“I would politely decline it.” You say. He smiles.

“I don’t know. Maybe you’ll end enjoying it.”

“They never taught you to not empathize with the enemy?”

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Casually, it seems like you didn’t learn it either.

“Eren.” you call him quietly. You’ve been here for months now, almost eight. In that time, Eren avoided three different trials of murder from you and you got slightly punished for two of them. You ended accepting your fate and helping him, learning that he can be a soft and warm-hearted boy once he stops acting as a mature mafia head. This world isn’t for him.

“What?” he says, a little laugh following his words. He didn’t knew what to make with you, a problematic captive enemy that attempted to murder him multiple times. And your angelical aspect and sweet voice confused him. He ended understanding you, understanding the pain and the fear you feel since little, since the Müller bought you and obligated to train as a spy. He listened to your story and you listened to his, how everyone wanted him to became a good leader, one that wouldn’t doubt to kill for his own benefice. That made you understand each other, fall in love with the most human part of the other one. 

“Move.” you try to push him a little, but he offers resistance. He tangles one leg around yours. Your head is resting on his pillow. How did you went from wanting to pierce his heart with a stylet to wanting to treasure it? His arm tangles on your waist and pulls you closer.

“No.” he answers. You laugh and let you head meet his neck curve. You sigh. “You know? A lot of people want me dead.”

“So I did.” you laugh, and he does too.

“So you did.” he says. You remain silent. “At least say sorry, y/n” 

“Sorry for trying to kill you, Eren.” you say. He lets out a little laugh.

“That was the fakest sorry i’ve heard in years.” you hit his shoulder softly before pulling the blanket higher on your body, covering you two. “What would you do if they kill me?”

“I couldn’t kill you, so no one is going to do it.” You say. He caresses your hair.

“They could. And I don’t want you to be here. They could kill you as well.” His voice shows concern. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Some months ago...” you start, but he interrupts you.

“Some months ago we were just two persons with different ideologies.” he says. You sigh.

“I don’t care. I will stay here even if they point you with three guns and two knifes. I’ll be here with you, I’ll stay here by your side in any way.”

“Y/N”... he says.

“If they kill you, they’ll kill a part of me.”

[luckycheesefoodie321]

Okay my head is literally the fuzziest at the moment so none of this may be coherent whatsoever but PUKYUU WATCH CH 174 LET’S GO!!! (SPOILERS + LONG POST)

Our girl is just too chill. Here Yona is, getting kidnapped, and ya know Ao would never leave her alone if she can help it. So she’s just kinda along for the ride. Then of course here come our best bois, Algira and Vold, just doing the best things...

Algira’s angry face is kinda awesome. Also, Vold thought Algira was talking about how bad he smelled and how he thought Algira hates him and that’s adorable and kinda sad. But nope, bigger fish Voldopus!

Baby boi out here censoring his swears and trying his best to reassure Yona that Hak was coming and it’s so precious...

THEN HE GETS HIT AND THAT FACE. UGH ANGSTY ALGIRA IS MY THING.

oh yeah and speaking of Voldopus:

GET IT MY MASKED BOYO!!! Yo this bit was all sorts of intense. Idk what it was but watching these two Xing boys trying to keep Yona safe and do some good by the people who helped them out, and Algira gets stabbed in the arm, and fire is taking out the balcony they’re holding onto, and there’s only so much they can do before falling...but the last thing Vold says, unconcerned that he and Algira are about to fall (like they’ll make it but still), is “Princess, please run” and that hit me hard in the feels...

And Yona girl gotta deal with that mess Gobi because SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM????

And Ao, our good girl is just taking care of Yona until help comes along and WE GET THE- hang on not big enough:

WE GET ANOTHER SURPRISE CONFESSION OHOHOHO!!!

Now I’d really appreciate it, if Hak doesn’t consider this as some weird unconscious thing she just said and it was a result of a mix of memories and Yona didn’t mean it because my heart can’t take anymore...but we all know Hak most likely gonna keep it to himself until he knows how to respond to it...OR IF HE DOES MENTION IT, he’s gonna brush it off as a joke, or he’ll try to start a serious conversation and they get interrupted...

I can hold out hope for a solid heart-to-heart, no interruptions in a couple chaps, after they settle things, and collect the dragons and just GO SOMEWHERE SAFE FOR A BIT...YA KNOW. SAFE. KUSANAGI SENSEI KNOWS WHAT THIS MEANS RIGHT??? Literally aside from Zeno, doubt anyone has had a good chance to heal up from Xing yet...and Hak is half-dead and running on love and adrenaline atm, so he needs to get patched up but maybe in ideal circumstances, Yona will visit him alone and they can just have a good talk about their feelings for each other but this is just the ideal and not likely? Because emotionally speaking, Hak still has some stuff to work through. But Yona is finally ok with speaking her mind and that’s great.

Weirdly the “distance” between the HHB seems so much bigger this time??? So maybe that’s why things should be coming to a head with Yona and Hak. But more likely I’m anticipating Hak acting awkward and unsure how to react to those words and it’ll just weigh on his mind until he explodes and blurts it out in front of everyone...

Anyway, I wonder how much more needs wrapping up of the battle in the meantime. Hak got through, Hazara gave in and Kuelbo gave up and is trying to stow away, soooo can’t be too much more fighting. Still have to deal with the “Captain Hak” aftermath and Kye-Shook actively allowing Hak to do whatever he wanted on the battlefield, and how this’ll affect public opinion of Soo-Won and what new rumours will surface...the Fire Tribe has been pretty much won over by the HHB (despite Tae Jun’s Bro’s reservation - can’t remember his name), so if you include Wind (that will always be Hak’s followers), and maybe to a smaller degree Water (bc of the Nadai and ties to Lili), we have Earth and obv Sky that are totally together, because Joo-Doh and Geun-Tae...is there another tribe??? Don’t think so. But right now we have a pretty neat divide since Lili is pretty loyal to Yona (I’m still a Won-Lili shipper I ain’t gonna lie) and Yoon-Gi favours Soo-Won sooo...

Idk where I was going with that tangent but to end this Pukyuu Watch: I’m so happy Kuelbo went back for Yoo-Lan

Home girl here thinking she’s about to be discarded for Yona, and is still prepared to do her duty because she loves Kuelbo that much and homeboy out here not even fussed that his plan didn’t work out, and just wants to make sure Yoo-lan is safe!

This was cute.

Anyway not much Pukyuu, but soon everyone will be together again and our girl can continue her derpy business, and help all the dragons heal with a few nice acorns!

[demoisellebeauty]

It seems I have been tagged by my partner in crime @princebete to write a shitty explanation of my character so AWAAAY WE GO

Hello, my name is Belle which means “beauty” and damn did my parents have good foresight because I’m a banging piece of ass. Or well when I say parents I mean my dad since my mom was brutally murdered by the company that made this movie for the sole reason that she is my mom and I’m not allowed to have a mom except to have her memories make my dad angsty and shit because if there’s one thing that really needed explanation it was the reason that I’m living in a village? Not really a question I had as I’m more interested in wondering why I can’t have a mom but what are you gonna do?

Anyways this village is pretty much the French equivalent of Hicksville, probably including the incest for all I know. Like we’re talking ultra conservative “women who wear their hair down are going to the Devil” type people. So obvs they don’t like the fact that I’m literate even tho let’s be real they’re probably also jelly of my mad skills at simultaneous reading and walking without bumping into shit. I got that fucking mastered and I’d like to see you try it and look as fly as I do. And I really just wanna get the fuck outta here but because I have a dad who’s dangerously close to blowing up himself and our house at any given moment I don’t have a lot of choice. Also we’re poor and if you’re poor you’re kinda fucked if you’re not spending every waking moment working your ass off.

It doesn’t help that there’s this fuckboi named Gaston who doesn’t know the meaning of “you ain’t getting NONE of this.” Damn jerk always throwing my books in the mud, do you know how expensive books are in this time period? Ass. And then he talks some shit about how women shouldn’t be reading and thinking and I’m like... ew. Like Gaston’s pretty hot but if his looks are a 9 out of 10 his personality is a 0. And I’m a pretty modern girl for my time, right? Like I’m all about women’s rights so it REALLY fucking sucks to be stuck in a time period where all they want you to do is get married and pop out babies until you die of the plague.

So I’m pretty damn happy that Dad’s finally got his amazing if probably lethal judging from how it can either chop you into pieces or give you a concussion invention and he goes off to a convenient fair so that we can get rich and get the fuck out of this place leaving me by myself which, really? You couldn’t take me with just this once? I know we got a farm to take care of and all but you remember fuckboi Gaston? BARGES THE FUCK INTO MY HOUSE AND PROPOSES TO ME, AFTER GETTING MUD ON ANOTHER ONE OF MY BOOKS. Did I mention he already had the wedding set up because he didn’t think there was any way I would say no? What a douche. NOT TO MENTION THAT I DON’T KNOW HOW HE HASN’T PICKED UP ON THE FACT THAT GETTING MUD ON MY BOOKS DOES NOT TURN ME ON.

After very literally dumping fuckboi in the dirt Philippe just HAS to interrupt my wistful longings for a better life to let me know that Dad somehow managed to fuck up a simple trip to the fair meaning that I have go and find him.

Naturally, my Dad just HAD to turn out to be in a spooky haunted castle straight out every gothic novel ever ruled by a giant ass talking and rly extra dramatic buffalo-lion thing that’s fugly as hell. I don’t know at the time whether he’s actually a giant animal or just a furry but both options are not ideal. I end up promising fugly buffalo-lion guy that I’ll stay in exchange for dad’s freedom and he agrees only for the asshat to drag my dad out without even letting me get to say goodbye smh. But I barely have time to think about that before it turns out that to make the castle even creepier, a shitton of the furniture is alive and walking and talking and it’s horrifying in a “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” kind of way. It’s really messed up when you try to think about what that must be like. But that said, dancing plates makesfor great dinner theatre, Toby’s should hire these guys.

Once I’m done with dinner I sneak out into the West Wing. Yeah, buffalo-lion guy said not to but I DO WHAT I WANT OK. And I mean yeesh if he’d wanted me to stay out of his room, maybe he should have told me that it was his room instead of forbidding it. Guy was asking for someone to come a-knocking. But damn, his room is more trashed than the aftermath of the worst frat boy party you’ve ever seen but hey, at least there’s a portrait of some random but hella fine dude but oh wait, there’s a pretty glowing floating rose that’s pretty obviously magic so I do what any reasonable person would do and try to touch said shiny floaty flower.

Of course I nearly shit myself when buffalo guy just comes in out of nowhere and starts screaming at me for invading his man cave (beast cave?) and tells me to gtfo I’m like “I can do that. I’m noping out, that’s it. im out bitches” Except maybe it wasn’t a brilliant idea to ride a horse out into a blizzard and thick woods filled with starving wolves. Thankfully buffalo guy saves me before dramatically collapsing and making me having to drag his ass back to his castle. Do you have any idea how much that guy weighs? It’s a good thing I work out cause I was this close to giving up. Its around then that I start to realize Buffalo guys (who’s name I never catch for whatever reason) might look scary but he’s actually just a large hairy man child and once he gets his shit together he’s not that bad a guy I guess.

Course it doesn’t hurt that he gave me a whole library. definitely turns me on more than dropping my book into mud. Not that buffalo guy turns me on but like he’s nice, you know, actually kind of sweet but im not thinking about him that way ya nasties. except ok maybe a little cause like we had this dance and everything and it got really sensual and idk what would’ve happened if I hadn’t cockblocked us by wondering about dad. Which, turns out buffalo guy (how do I still not know his name?) has a magic mirror that shows you shit (and I really hope he hasn’t been using it to look at me at certain times in the evening cause usually around then im either singing off key in the shower or masturbating over weird kinky beast sex).

dad’s in trouble fucking AGAIN cause the poor guy can’t go ten minutes without me around to bail out his ass and Buffalo guy lets me know and its really nice but I friendzone him for the moment and out to find dad and take him to the village instead of the castle where we might find better medical care and comfortable conditions for him. not one of my greatest ideas I admit. Things still would’ve been if only GASTON MCFUCKBOI hadn’t come to fuck everything up by trying to extort me into marrying him by throwing my dad into the insane asylum, which yes, he’s a little insane but like I’m into bestiality so... I can’t judge him. I try to wipe the smile off fuckboi’s face by proving buffalo guy exists only... now fuckboi wants to kill buffalo guy so I kinda fucked up . 

I eventually get back to the castle just in time to save buffalo guy only not really because GUESS WHO FUCKS ITS UP FOR EVERYONE? if you guessed fuckboi you’d be right cause he just goes full Shakespeare and stabs buffalo guy right before falling to his death, which sucks maybe but I’m more sad about buffalo guy (SERIOUSLY WHAT’S HIS NAME) dying before I could tell him that I was up for kinky beast sex but instead of that I just tell him I love him.

Then I swear it was like I had an acid trip or something because Buffalo guy suddenly starts floating and glowing and going through a magical girl transformation into the hella fine dude from that portrait in his room and- ooooooh I get it he was cursed it was super obvious, you’d think a smart girl like me would’ve caught on to something like that but I guess not. 

But the good news is that buffalo guy is human so I don’t have to worry about being into bestiality and we kiss and there are actual literal fireworks which is awesome and there’s something about a spell or whatever idk but i’m more concerned with asking WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR REAL NAME SO I CAN SCREAM IT IN BED.

But yeah we live happily ever after and all that jazz cause I’m a princess now and don’t have to do my own shit anymore. Moral of the story is find a hairy sugar daddy cause he’ll turn out to be secretly hot and not mind your weird kinks.

TAGGING: all the shitty muses