#and from what i read gotland is already fucked

[fisherfurbearer]

It's almost 6 am. I've been awake for HOURS buzzing about apple trees and orchards and animals and genetic conservation and my chest hurts SO BAD from anxiety because my hands won't type fast enough.

I want to write paragraphs and paragraphs for you folks so you can be up to speed with what's happened while I've been Gone, it's been so much, I want to explain my series of Realizations and my plans for the future but I'm so worried I'll be ridiculed or it'll all go wrong and my hands won't type my thoughts fast enough anyway so it'll never be finished.

Bottom line? I realized my biggest passions in the past 7 years (reptiles, inverts, rodents, poultry, conservation, gardening, and art) all have a common theme (animal welfare, environmental welfare, caring for people, Growing and Raising and Making cool stuff that makes people/animals/myself happy) and one thing clicked after another and basically I'm tired and Fuck college it's just not for me, I don't need $35k in loans every year (after $20k in scholarships) to learn illustration and be guaranteed a job in something I don't even see myself doing.

Nah bruh I want to raise little geckos and make vivariums/inverts/reptiles my hobby and make needle felting and sheeps and tree crops my main gig, it all fits together,, I'm so tired and I feel like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety I've been awake for so long and rewrote this so many times,

But basically I was so horrifically depressed and couldn't leave bed or go to work for days, for many reasons but mainly because it hit me that I spent the past 6 years going to school/trying to be in school for Nothing and wasted so much of my life and was Sick of it all and feeling like I had nowhere to go, until it hit me. My life is Fucked and the world is Fucked and everyone is miserable and not ok and I'm not fine and I can't do anything about it.

Or can I?

In college, I had a class called Visual Thinking where I only did needle felting for my projects and told people, I do art because my goal with my work is to make someone else Feel. I want them to Feel how my inspirations and view of things makes me feel. I want them to laugh, smile, cry, feel enraged, invigorated, spark CARING of themselves, one another, and the world, just make people Feel and give a damn about other living things. That's why I care so deeply about animals and the enviroment and domestic/wild animal welfare and the state of everything. Why I dreamt for so many years of raising rare lizards and growing vegetables permaculture-style.

But then it hit me again, I like, no I love my geckos and I love my inverts but let's be honest, it won't pay the bills and I don't think I'd be happy making it my career, either. I still want to raise/breed Eurydactylodes and maybe japanese Goniurosaurus and have a nice amount of reptiles and spiders in the future, but maybe it won't be my Everything. And that's a GOOD THING. I've learned with experience now that it's better for them and myself to keep it compact and a hobby, not a profession. Then I realized. I want to do needle felting, I want to make animals and plants out of wool and make pets and wildlife and talk about welfare and conservation with my art, and both Make Cool Things and Send a Message with what I do. But I thought of sustainability and where my supplies come from and thought wait. I like small livestock too. I just never really wanted a farm 'cause it wasn't my deal, but I literally learned how to work with miniature donkeys as my graduation project in high school, my SO's mom literally owns and breeds them and has a little farmette, I'm not completely out of my league as I already have years of research into gardening and poultry care, dude what if I raised my own sheep for wool and made art with that and oh my god what a journey that thought started.

It would take HOURS AND HOURS to write let alone read the disorganized disaster of a story of how I got to where I am now, with my Goals/Dreams, but basically...yeah I know it's becoming mainstream I guess but I seriously want a farm and we're gonna make it happen, one day. We have a rough plan for building up savings (our tentative goal is to be ready for a property in 2025, which is 5 years after Jessie graduates and gives us time to build up finances and figure out where he's working) and starting small (I already have button quail, so coturnix quail is a great first step for 'livestock' and in the next year or two angora rabbits are looking to be a great option for our first fiber animal...) and I've really refined my "Niche."

It's uhh hard to explain, in the sense of I'm very tired and it's 6:07 am and I'm losing track and my chest hurts and it's a long winding story, but the end result is for Many Reasons is I've fallen in love with heritage/landrace breeds and specifically northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, shetland, soay, etc..) and diversified farming, and especially concepts like agroforestry and using native forages/pastures and rotational grazing, to not just benefit the livestock but also the environment! I have SO MUCH RESEARCH DONE and I've learned SO MUCH and the best part is my past knowledge/notes has already given me a FANTASTIC head start so these concepts aren't hard for me to grasp and I'm just so excited. I want to focus on perennial crops (fruit/nut trees and berries, mostly...heavy inspiration came from our local orchard, which also kickstarted this idea) and grazing livestock in orchards (IT'S ALL CO-DEPENDENT IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE IT ALL SO MUCH I COULD CRY,, WHY IS PIG WELFARE SO BAD WHEN THEY COULD BE OUT UNDER THE FRUIT/NUT TREES LIVIN' LIFE,, OTHER COUNTRIES DO IT AND ITS SUCH A GREAT IDEA [p.s. check out 'HogTree' for more awesome ideas on that! Not entirely unique but that lady has some awesome ideas]) and focusing on conserving heritage/landrace/localized livestock and crop varieties....for both conservation and practical reasons! It's...Ihave it all worked out mostly I swear I'm just very tired and anxious right now haha!! Oh jeez!!

But basically it's still in tne works and I have a good 5+ years to iron it out but instead of going to college I'm going to take workshops on orchard and livestock management and take felting/spinning classes (like yarn, I mean, I want to learn more fiber arts) and start small with quail and angora and we'll also go on trips to the local state parks and around campus here and learn more about our native environment and I'll maybe raise bees someday soon and I'll never ever stop loving inverts and reptiles ever but maybe instead of keeping 200+ Ts lots of reptiles one day I'll keep my home guys compact and give them lots of love and care and switch some of my attention to the NATIVE guys too...my biggest goal is for a more sustainable approach to agriculture (I KNOW IT CAN WORK, DAMMIT, OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PROVEN IT AND HOW ELSE DID FOLKS FEED THEMSELVES FOR SO LONG hshdbfjfush but that's an argument for another day) that balances human needs with animal welfare and environmental impact and hopefully turn the same land we use for agriculture (ex. grazing pastures, fruit/nut orchards) into land for native flora as small species as well, like birds and insects and such, and even bigger things if we did managed grazing in woodlands because...AHH THAT'S A WHOLE BIG DISCUSSION AND I'M TO EXCITED ABOUT IT ALL TO EXPLAIN AHH JEEZ

ANYWAY I'M GOING TO MAKE A DANG DIFFERENCE IN MY OWN DING DANG WAY AND I DON'T NEED NO COLLEGE EDUCATION TO DO IT, NOT THIS TIME AROUND

I'm going to combat my inner demons and also the Outside problems with the power of Sustainable Agriculture and Fiber Arts and prove that people and animals (domestic AND wild) and the environment can have a SYMBIOTIC relationship that CAN be profitable AND sustainable for ALL parties involved and it'll take a whole lot of doing but goDDAMMIT I'VE GOT MY SPARK BACK AND I'M GIVING IT MY ALL!!!!!

[true-crime-central-sweden]

An ‘OOC’ rant:

So there’s been a 49-year old woman missing here on my island  for almost a month now, and Missing People will not be performing any organized searches for her anymore (unless something would come up, of course).

Now, missing persons’ cases have always intrigued me, because well- they’re haunting, and it feels especially haunting when it happens here on this pretty tiny island. I’ve tried to keep my eyes open for something that could help; I wanted to go to the organized searches for her, but I wasn’t able to come to either of them…

But then, there's only been, what- 3 official searches for her over all? I don't read or look at the news anymore but I've heard the local news didn't exactly shout it out to the masses. They only gave the public her first name, one picture of her, her bike and a bag she might've had with her.

The poster of her that first caught my attention was minimal; like- just an A4 paper, and there haven't been many of them either around town (that I've seen). The one article I happened to see in the paper about it STILL didn't mention her by name, just "the missing woman", and the article took up like- a 4th of the page. Fuck, some people didn't even know about it until I asked them if they had heard!

And since a couple days back, the missing posters were suddenly taken down from where they usually were put up. Amazing! Now even LESS people will know to look for her!

(The poster in question) I just feel like there isn't much being done to help locate her. Missing People had to call off one of the searches because not enough people showed up, which is fucking bullshit, tbh. But I guess even the people who live here will be damned before they let anything interfere with their precious vacation time!

What pisses me off the most about this, is thinking back at other missing persons cases in this country. Ones that became national headlines and not just local, miniscule articles. Ones like Lisa Holm and the more recent one involving 12-year old Dante.

If you live in Sweden too, you already know, but I'll say it for those who aren't familiar. The difference between these cases? Lisa and Dante were 17 and 12, respectively. They were kids. People from all over the country came and helped search for them, and even though these two sadly were found dead, they were still found! Because lots of people came together and helped and supported each other in the searches!

Meanwhile on Gotland, 49-year old Beatrice has been missing for almost a month, and barely anyone bats an eye. She hasn't made national headlines and thousands of people aren't flocking to search for her either.

The only proper discussion-thread, or investigation about it over all, that I've seen has been on fucking Flashback (pm Sweden's equivalent to 4chan, without the pictures, but still with edgyness).

It pisses me off because I know, I fucking know, that if Beatrice had been 20 years younger, or a kid, Sweden would be going nuts trying to find her. I can only hope that she's hiding somewhere on purpose, but idk, from the background info I've managed to gather, she doesn't seem like the kind of person to run away. She has a boyfriend she lives with, she has friends and possibly even kids, she has cats and she works as a doctor, even! HOW this is still so swept under the rug as it is just boggles the mind.

More than that, though, I am pissed at the fact that older people are seemingly being just discarded like this. It's fucking disgusting, and dareisay, ageist too.

If YOU were the one who disappeared, whatever happened to you, you would want people to look for you. If it was YOUR loved one going missing, you wouldn't be able to sleep. You'd be out looking on your own too probably, wondering why the world around you keeps going when your own world is falling apart, out of your control.

As long as there's no evidence to the contrary, there's still hope that Beatrice is alive somewhere, but the chances for that are looking slim by now. Why would she be hiding, and how has she been able to hide for this long? I don't know, but I'll keep hoping for her safe return, and I'll keep my eyes open.

If nothing else, remember her. She deserves every bit as much attention as any missing kid. Justice for Beatrice.

[welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen]

Well then...RIP Sweden, u piece of shit.

So Sweden is apparantly short on water? And there's a big fat chance the entire fucking country won't have any water for the entire summer and fall. Thanks global warming you piece of shit. As i get it, we have had too little snow and rain the past couple of years and there's litterally no water left. My life depends on water man....drinking water will probably be imported but showering, washing clothes and dishes, going to the bathroom, basicly everything?? Oh man, i hope it doesnt happen. I guess bathing in the lake is gonna be a thing now. Only problem is that my local lake is dirty as fuck and i hate it. My question is why the goverment hasnt done anything. They warned about it, and warned to saty vigilant for issued orders on water restrictions but they haven't done shit. And people with their own wells like me are fucked... We should just fill our pool while we can amd use it as a bathtub, that is disgusting... Hopefully the situation isnt that bad, but the news tells me otherwise so idk.