#and friendships aren’t a ‘consolation prize.��� they’re the Good Shit

[void-tiger]

Well…if there’s one (1) good thing about having a crush, it’s that when I’m (for the moment anyway) not worrying about the other person’s boundaries and terror about whether I’ve stomped on them or not + my own frustration at how slow things are to just communicate verbally and directly instead of constantly dancing around nonverbal reads (that are two-way, I suppose but still no substitute, can still mean just about anything)…

…yeah. I do let myself be selfish. Acknowledge what I want instead of burying it so deeply away from my consciousness to not “take up space” I suppose. Finally give myself some damn permission to fall in love with another person “despite” being ace, and “despite” being chronically ill and struggling with my mental health.

And what is it I want?

To feel cared for. Cherished. By someone here. To wake up and have someone greet me with a gentle embrace mindful of the constant chronic pain especially in the mornings to not accidentally pinch things, but not treating me like glass, either. To be given autonomy instead of having it taken away—to do things together, FUN things, without being made to feel guilty about that “taking away” spoons from chores or “well why won’t you just work a job then!” but also respecting my need to rest periodically or take a longer rest after the fact.

To feel heard. To trust that there’s love enough for us to disagree and feel angry and frustrated and sad around eachother and with eachother without judgement, without the risk that things are forever one disagreement or misunderstanding away from falling apart completely or worse.

And please tease me. Teasing is a love language just as much as communication and encouragement and acts of service and finally being held. It’s verbal play, and I trust you to not bully me.

And…I’ve shown as much as I can, I think. I know you’re trying to mirror at least some of it. And I think I’m reading you correctly, but I wish I understood why you seem so terrified to talk directly to me.

[wetalkinboutbooks]

We Hunt the Flame by Hafsah Faizal

Summary: People lived because she killed.

People died because he lived.

Zafira is the Hunter, disguising herself as a man when she braves the cursed forest of the Arz to feed her people. Nasir is the Prince of Death, assassinating those foolish enough to defy his autocratic father, the king. If Zafira was exposed as a girl, all of her achievements would be rejected; if Nasir displayed his compassion, his father would punish him in the most brutal of ways. 

Both are legends in the kingdom of Arawiya—but neither wants to be.

War is brewing, and the Arz sweeps closer with each passing day, engulfing the land in shadow. When Zafira embarks on a quest to uncover a lost artifact that can restore magic to her suffering world and stop the Arz, Nasir is sent by the king on a similar mission: retrieve the artifact and kill the Hunter. But an ancient evil stirs as their journey unfolds—and the prize they seek may pose a threat greater than either can imagine. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings: 

 → Geena: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

 → Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall: We Hunt the Flame is a rich Arabia inspired fantasy with characters that you easily fall for (like the two of us with Altair lmao). Personally, we wouldn’t classify the romance as an insta-love, it’s more of an insta-annoyance and gradual build up to feelings. The story keeps you on your toes and Hafsah does an amazing job at tying in different plot points together. Also, it’s got that amazing unlikely group of friends trope :’) SO if you haven’t already, check out this book we highly recommend it! 

Spoiler-Full Discussion Below...

The Good: 

→ The Premise and Characters

Kae: So we start off with Zafira hunting in the Arz, a forest that is full of darkness. Once you go into the Arz, there is no coming out. But our girl Zafira is a baddie and she can travel the Arz without much trouble. She can always find her way out. She hunts in the Arz for her village because it is an icy, barren land and it is their main source of food. The thing is, Zafira is a woman so no one can ever find out she is the famed Hunter of the Arz, or she’ll probs get like, banished. But her two best friends, Yasmine and Deen, know her secret and keep it safe. Along with her sister and bedridden mother. Zafira has acquired this wonderful hunting skill from her father, who taught her everything she knew so she could fend for herself and well… Those skills came in hand because he got lost in the Arz one day, kind of went crazy, stumbled out, then tried to kill his family. So Zafira’s mother did what she had to do and killed him to save her daughters. She (Zafira’s mother) has been plagued by nightmares since. 

Geena: Kae outlined the premise of Zafira’s story really well! On the other hand we have Nasir, the crown prince of Arawiya and one of the most feared assassins across the caliphates. He’s also hated by literally everyone in his life… especially his dad. Nasir was raised (See: forced) into becoming the Sultan’s weapon, killing anyone that dared to oppose him. We find out that Nasir’s mom, the Sultana, died ~mysteriously~ when he was young and after that his dad went batshit crazy essentially. Nasir does everything as a means to get his dad’s love and approval (even though he likes to pretend that he’s just doing shit just because ‘i have no life so might as well kill’). Nasir ends up falling for some servant girl, who’s tongue the Sultan serves to him in a golden box. After that he is very angsty like, “I can’t love anyone :( ” Or so he thinks. 

Kae: Then we have our secondary characters. Like, the ‘friends we made a long the way’ characters who all def were trying to kill one another but it’s cool now ‘cause they love each other :) 

Geena: The magical artifact was the magic of friendship :’)

Kae: LMAO YES. So we have Kifah, she is from Pelusia and she is a badass legendary warrior who is fast as lightniiiing, WILL ABSOLUTELY kick your ass with a staff (she won’t hesitate, BITCH) and she’s also really pretty and tall and she brings her own snacks and seasoning. I can relate because I too, bring seasoning and snacks when I know they will be needed. Kifah is funny, sarcastic, and one of the few people that has a witty retort to Altair and his tomfoolery. She also has a thing for Altair. 

Altair, we love him! He’s a big buff boi with pretty eyes and a dazzling smile. He also makes a lot of dick jokes and is an absolute CHILD. But we love him for it and so does Kifah. They have the hots for each other.  My boi doesn’t have good aim and he killed his homie on accident but we’ll get to that later. He is the #1 general in Ghameq’s (Nasir’s father) army and is ordered to tag along with Nasir on this unintentional road to friendship. He is the sunshine in Nasir’s life and Nasir HATES IT BECAUSE HE’S AN EMO BOI. 

Geena: ALTAIR IS THE SUN TO NASIR’S MOON HONESTLY. ALSOO, we got our two best boys that unfortunately didn’t make it to the end :/ Deen, aka the boy that loved Zafira enough to go on an impossible quest with her and then die for her too. He’s Yasmine’s older brother and an absolute sweetheart who wears his emotions on his sleeve when around Zafira. In a way, he was Zafira’s first boyfriend who she didn’t love romantically. Deen proposes to her and she’s like *radio silence*. I DIED AT THAT KAE…. SHE WAS LIKE “NO COMMENT” 

Kae: RADIO SILENCE LMAOO SHE WAS. She pulled a, “okay but like the arz tho…”

Geena: But yea! Deen literally dies in the first few chapters because of Altair’s shit aim…. No one ever hand him another bow and arrow again plz. So like I’m thinking Hafsah made him super sweet the first few chapters just so we would be devastated when he died like 5 chapters later or something.

We also have our wise old Safin (essentially an immortal Elf but like cooler) Benyamin, who is centuries old and a book nerd (relatable). He and Kifah join Nasir, Altair, and Zafira later on in their quest, and he seems to know a lot more than he lets one. We learn that Benyamin is the living embodiment of that one meme “Baby jordans, never worn - for sale” bc of his baby that didn’t make it :/. He wants the whole crew to be like a little family so bad that he enforces the word “zumra” aka gang on them and overall he was sly but sweet nonetheless and he too…. Kicked the can… all for the zumra :’(  

→ The Ride or Die Relationships

Geena: One thing that Hafsah Faizal writes really well is the friendships between Zafira and the small crew that knows that she’s actually the Hunter that’s been keeping them fed for years. Zafira’s absolute best friend, Yasmine, supports Zafira in all her decisions EXCEPT for the decisions where Zafira parades as a man. Deen I suppose is the same as Yasmine, except he’s less snarky. It’s canon that Zafira would lay down her life for Yasmine, and not to sound like a weirdo but Zafira was wildly jealous when Yasmine got married to Misk... like “ugh now I have to share my bestie with a man??” only explanation is that Zafira is bi confirmed. Also, where we had Zafira ready to die for Yasmine, we also have Deen ready to die for Zafira (and he does...😭). IDK how Deen was hot, smart, sweet, and everything in between and he still died. Hafsah gave us the perfect man and was like “yeea FUCK that, the only love interest will be leech-scars sad boy.” ANYWAYS, The Zafira-Yasmine-Deen triangle is a whole “I would die for you” thing, whereas Yasmine is more of a “I would kill for you” and I think that’s beautiful :’) 

Kae: Alrighty, so we also have the relationship between Altair and Nasir. They aren’t as close as Zafira, Deen, and Yasmine. At all. But they kind of have this “if it were not for the laws of this land, I would kill you” thing between them and it’s hilarious. Nasir is constantly like, “I can and will kill you, you bastard brute of a man” and Altair is like “do it bitch, I dare you” and Nasir tears up and stomps away like a brat. But as this journey continues, Nasir gets a newfound respect for Altair because he soon learns Altair isn’t a dumb brute at all and is actually pretty bright. Did we mention they’re brothers? Yeah, that’s a thing. But Nasir doesn’t learn this until the end of the story. Did Altair know the whole time? Yes. Did he swear to their mother to protect him? That as heavily implied so also yes. SO now Nasir is like, “oh noooo, I wanted to kill my brother and was also ORDERED BY MY BITCHASS DADDY TO KILL HIM” then boom goes the dynamite and Nasir finds that he can be a good boi. ANYWAYS WE LOVE ALTAIR IN THIS HOUSE. 

Geena: OKAY SINCE KAE MENTIONED IT, AND THE WHOLE ALTAIR-NASIR THING. See since I have poor reading comprehension, I didn’t realize that Altair had promised to protect Nasir. SO THIS BRINGS ABOUT THE QUESTION of the servant girl, Kulsum, that Nasir realizes is working for Altair. The same girl that appeared around the time Nasir’s mom “died”, so does that mean Altair had sent her to help console his brother 👀 Does Altair feel partly responsible for the Sultan tearing out Kulsum’s tongue?? If so… both Altair and Nasir need mad therapy 

The Bad:   

→ The Sea Monster

Kae: So, this isn’t inherently bad and we honestly have nothing bad to say about the book, let’s get that straight. But we wanted to mention it because it was eh. So we have a sea monster scene when Altair and Nasir are on their way to the island. It’s from an old folktale they’d heard growing up, that sea monsters lurked in the sea. They end up running into a sea monster and it is blind and attacking their ship. It is following them by sound so they eventually realize they need to shut the hell up. But then there is our wonderful golden buff boy, Altair. He starts singing, taunting the sea monster and Nasir is like “BOY IF U DONT-” but then his singing kills it. Apparently, the monster hates music and song? So there’s that. It as a very quick scene and I kind of wish I was longer and more dangerous. I wanted some bloodshed! Maybe a sunken ship! But it was still okay. 

Geena: Kae said everything that had to be said about that scene. And I agree, it was cool to have a monster from the author’s folklore, but at the same time, it didn’t really add much to the story other than the fact that Altair knows how to sing (whether he can sing well is a different story).

The Ugly...Crying:

→ The Lion and The Sultan

Geena: This is going to be very cliche but the ugliest thing in this book was the Sultan, our main villain, who is later revealed to be controlled by the Lion aka some ancient ifrit-safin hybrid dude that was the cause of all of Arawiya’s problems. First off, we find out near the end that the Sultan is possessed by the Lion because Nasir’s mom had a big swig of dumbass juice and gave the Sultan a pendant from the place where the Lion was imprisoned. So, following his mother’s “Death” Nasir watches the Sultan’s descent into a sort of madness and suffers under his dad’s abuse. The Lion is also Nasir’s Mom’s Ex so you can imagine what kind of shitshow that was. The Lion is also coincidentally Altair’s dad, and I’m guessing the Lion was like “fuck them kids” because he wanted Nasir to murder Altair... his only son :/ ANYWAYS, the Lion is a terrible dad 0/10 should ever have kids. 

ALSOOO THIS BITCH WAS OUT HERE CONTROLLING ZAFIRA HALF HER LIFE??? And was instrumental in her dad’s death, since he’s the embodiment of dark magic -- which makes up the Arz (evil forest) -- we learn that the Lion coaxed Zafia’s dad into entering the forest and essentially turning him mad, which lead to her mom killing him. AND IN A WAY, he can control Zafira?? Or at least get into her head.

Kae: Geena said everything perfectly. The Lion is a skank bitch and we HATE HIM. But if we hate him, that means he was written really well so HELL YEAH HAFSAH. Now to the Sultan.  The Sultan, like Geena said, is possessed by the Lion. And upon learning that in the book, I kind of felt bad for him and Nasir. Nasir remembers when his father was kind and loved him. He has watched the decline of the Sultan and this drastic change from kind to 100% evil as fuuuck. The Sultan has no control over this and Nasir just wants to please his father to get that love back from him. He sees small flashes of the man the Sultan used to be, but they are very quick and sometimes he almost misses it. The real Sultan is stomped out by the Lion whenever he peeks through. 

Geena: Like can the sultan see the shit that the lion is doing? BRO THAT WOULD BE TORTURE! Oh my god, when they finally break the spell on him there are going to be so many tears between Nasir and his dad.  

Kae: YOO WHAT IF IT’S LIKE HE CAN SEE EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS OWN EYES BUT CAN’T CONTROL IT? DUDE NOW IM EXTRAAA SAD. 

Geena: What’s sadder than all that? THE FACT THAT OUR FAVOURITE HIMBO, ALTAIR, GOT LEFT BEHIND. At the height of the action as Nasir and the surviving zumra are escaping we find out that Altair never makes it to their escape ship…. Even though it was Altair’s powers that helped them escape. And then we find out that he’s stuck in the Lion’s lair…. Thinking that no one cared to look for him… scuse me while I weep…. Hafsah didn’t have to do him like that 😭 

Kae: OKAY MOOD. YOU SAID IT PERFECTLY. And like, she wrote that part so well. Because you know how sometimes the reader knows something the characters don’t? Like, NONE OF US, THE READER OR THE CHARACTERS realized Altair was left behind until Hafsah mentioned it. It was heart-shattering. And everyone is instantly like “shit shit shit shit we fucked UP. We have to go back.” But they can’t go back. So everyone in this feels horrible. Altair feels horrible because he thinks his friends (and beautiful warrior crush) have left him behind. Nasir feels horrible because he left his brother. And the rest of the zumra because they left their friend. Also, the reader, because we see how all this shit went down. It’s just a whole roller coaster of emotions and ALTAIR IS LOVELY AND WE WANT HIM BACK. But this also leaves potential for him to switch sides and join his evil father. It’s totally a possibility and we do NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO OUR FAVE. OUR HABIBI (because he calls Nasir that and Nasir, the brooding death prince hates that) HAS TO COME BACK SAFE AND UNHARMED... fin

Conclusion 

Geena: That concludes our review, we didn’t really touch on the romance and so on but it’s how you say… a slow burn? Also, we had so many thoughts about the characters because they’re all soo interesting and have their own stories that we LOVED. Hafsah did a great job at world-building and introducing her individual characters gradually, she didn’t just slap us with like six characters at once and call it a day. AND HER PLOT TWISTS??? POETIC CINEMA… As a self-proclaimed dunce, I did not see half of them coming, every single thing I thought would happen didn’t happen. For example, I thought that Benyamin was Altair’s dad at some point. Overall, this is a great Arabia inspired fantasy with engaging characters and a fast-paced plot that keeps you guessing what’ll happen next. I give it 9/10 (-1 for Altair’s suffering). 

Kae: Ngl I totally forgot about the romance. “It means nothing” GAH THE FOOL. BUT YES. I can’t believe we forgot the romance and their collar bone touching. Also the inevitable ‘omg I just caught you coming out of the bath and now I see your scars oooo’ and honestly tho mood because I wouldn’t avert my eyes either. ANYWAY, the world-building is beautifully written as were the characters. Geena is right. Everyone has their own stories and the time was taken out to tell each one. None of the characters were dumbed down and neither were their backstories. They all had their own personalities and interests and quirks. The fantasy, the magic, and the history was rich.  There was never a boring moment. I give it a 10/10 because I was super entertained and the slowburn was to die for. BUUUT. I’m still SICK that Deen was killed off five minutes into the adventure because I would’ve loved to see him giving Nasir the ~death glare~ whenever he looked at Zafira ASJDADKLJK. 

Geena: IM CRYING, YES I AGREE 100% Wish we had gotten that good ol’ Deen-Nasir beef.  

Kae: omg it would’ve been such a good beef because I feel like they would absolutely become friends at some point and HATE that they respect each other. WELP. THAT BE ALL, FOLKS. READ THIS BOOK CAUSE IT’S GOOD. 

[erosanova-blog]

Frankenstein

"Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous." (Shelley)

Saturday nights are always interesting at Sundance. There aren't alot of familiar faces, just a horde of senescent people twisting in circles. Its reading between the lines that really tears that heart off your sleeve. Yes, some may look foolish, and some had too many drinks... but you see it in their eyes. That look, again. It's piercing.

The older generation is interesting to watch. Generally as people age, they tend to care less and less about their appearance, and more about the things that truly matter in their lives. At first I assumed that all of these couples were married for years, then I remembered the divorce rate in America is astronomical, and chances are some of them were on their second or even fifth marriage. But life changes alot as you age.

I used to make fun of people that were thirty (and above). I remember thinking, "What a douche, I'm never gonna get old and lame like that!" when I was in middle school and high school. To be perfectly honest I never thought I would live this long, and didn't make alot of life goals early on. We used to party hard... really hard. I also was obsessed with speed and anything with extra boost, and I've definitely had my share of near-death incidents. Now that I'm here I can feel kids doing it to me behind my back. Luckily people always tell me I look young for my age, so I haven't been alienated completely since returning to college. But it's amazing what those two (or one or three but... lets just keep shit simple) little digits can define you as a person. People say it doesn't matter and age is just a number. They're fucking liars, of course age matters. If it didn't matter, it wouldn't exist; it wouldn't be a defining characteristic.

As I continue to get older I learn more and more, watch more people and their interactions. I love watching how people treat each other when they know nobody is looking. It can be the sweetest, gentlest notion from the most abrasive looking person in the room or it can be spitfire from someone you expected to be extremely inverted. Going back to a previous post... I think too much. That's why I don't sleep.

[2:15 am]

"Nothing is more painful to the human mind, than, after the feelings have been worked up by a quick succession of events, the dead calmness of inaction and certainty which follows, and deprives the soul both of hope and fear. Justine died; she rested; and I was alive. The blood flowed freely in my veins, but a weight of despair and remorse pressed on my heart, which nothing could remove. Sleep fled from my eyes; I wandered like an evil spirit, for I had committed deeds of mischief beyond description horrible, and more, much more (I persuaded myself), was yet behind. Yet my heart overflowed with kindness, and the love of virtue. I had begun life with benevolent intentions, and thirsted for the moment when I should put them in practice, and make myself useful to my fellow-beings. Now all was blasted: instead of that serenity of conscience, which allowed me to look back upon the past with self satisfaction, and from thence to gather promise of new hopes, I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe" (Shelley)

I think in cycles, and it's best to let them run their course. There are many things that [most observant] people will learn about themselves throughout their life cycles that will help them get through many obstacles. I still cannot figure out why I fall so hard like I do, it's inexplicable. Or why I sit up late at night pondering absurdities while other people pump out the z's.

"This state of mind preyed upon my health, which had perhaps never entirely recovered from the first shock it had sustained. I shunned the face of man; all sound of joy or complacency was torture to me; solitude was my only consolation--deep, dark, deathlike solitude" (Shelley)

" I was often tempted, when all was at peace around me, and I the only unquiet thing that wandered restless in a scene so beautiful and heavenly if I except some bat, or the frogs, whose harsh and interrupted croaking was heard only when I approached the shore--often, I say, I was tempted to plunge into the silent lake, that the waters might close over me and my calamities for ever. But I was restrained, when I thought of the heroic and suffering Elizabeth, whom I tenderly loved, and whose existence was bound up in mine." -Chapter 9

"

And could not such words from her whom I fondly prized before every other gift of fortune, suffice to chase away the fiend that lurked in my heart? Even as she spoke I drew near to her, as if in terror; lest at that very moment the destroyer had been near to rob me of her.

Thus not the tenderness of friendship, nor the beauty of earth, nor of heaven, could redeem my soul from woe: the very accents of love were ineffectual. I was encompassed by a cloud which no beneficial influence could penetrate. The wounded deer dragging its fainting limbs to some untrodden brake, there to gaze upon the arrow which had pierced it, and to die--was but a type of me.

Sometimes I could cope with the sullen despair that overwhelmed me: but sometimes the whirlwind passions of my soul drove me to seek, by bodily exercise and by change of place, some relief from my intolerable sensations." Chapter 9

Shelley, Mary. "Frankenstein." n.d. literature.org. 29 April 2017. <http://literature.org/authors/shelley-mary/frankenstein/index.html>.