#and for what?? for her to learn to treat me with a modicum of decency?

[literateur]

I wonder what the consequences would be if I told them I didn't care to do the work to make this better

[chat-noir-always-here]

Marinette and Anxiety

First, lets count all the things Marinette has that Adrien doesn’t have:

She has a healthy and positive home environment

Both of her parents are living, active presences in her life

Tom and Sabine love Marinette unconditionally

On top of having loving parents she has extended relatives who care deeply for her

she is allowed to go out and have friends over

going to public school is treated as a necessity rather than a privilege

she has, to some degree, or at least more so than Adrien, knowledge of socializing and is able to perceive signals better

she is on good terms and has a history with almost all of her classmates

she is allowed to explore her hobbies

she is allowed to choose her own occupation 

she has the freedom to do whatever she wants with her schedule outside of school and curfew

I could go on but I trust my point is clear? Marinette is blessed with many of the things Adrien has been denied. Worse, everything listed above falls under the category of “normal” “common decency” or “necessity.”

Long post is long and I don’t like cuts because I’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” i use it for walls of texts like this one.

But Mari’s life, despite being vastly different and more fulfilling than Adrien’s, isn’t perfect.

In order to understand Mari’s struggles we need to take a look at her history.

We see in Origins that Marinette has been the target of Chloe’s bullying for a long time—three years or perhaps even longer. As is the case with many victims of bullying she lacked the courage and confidence to stand up for himself and more or less suffered in silence until Alya encouraged her to fight back.

Something to understand about bullying: it drastically warps someone’s perspective. Not only in how they view themselves but the people and environment around them. The end result? Some form of isolation and possibly PTSD. Bullying victims tend to be either physically/mentally withdrawn, or both.

Not a lot is known about Mari’s life before the Origins episode, but given that none of her classmates stood up to Chloe except Alya, we can infer that they have grown accustomed to Chloe’s treatment of Mari and are likely not especially close with her at this point in time. 

In her “In defense of Chat Noir” video, Toon Ruins states that Adrien isn’t especially close with his classmates yet either, saying he is “that friend that your mutual friends invite along and is just kinda there.” Its not unreasonable to presume that Mari was in that spot before she became Ladybug, befriended Alya, and developed enough confidence to stand up for herself as well as others.

It would also help explain why her friends were so quick to doubt her when Lila accused her in the Ladybug episode. Despite everything she’s done for them between Origins and Ladybug, they simply haven’t been close for very long and as Alya pointed out the evidence “was stacked against her.” Of course Alya and Adrien believed her because they are closer with Mari than practically any of her other classmates.

Adrien glaring at Lila when Marinette calls out to him for help. I cannot~~~~

Of course there was another, more obvious reason they doubted her: her feelings for Adrien and how intense she is when acting on them, which as Alya puts it served as her supposed “motive” for “hurting Lila.”

Marinette has often been seen crossing lines that are better off left uncrossed when it comes to Adrien. Her friends, especially the girls, are even somewhat aware of how intense these feelings are. (i.e. Alex’s comment during Gigantitan “Marinette knows a lot about Adrien it’s kinda creepy”).

More often than not, Mari wants to go somewhere mainly for the sake of seeing Adrien. Examples of this are when she’s supposed to wait for Nadja to come pick up her cake and during Simon Says when she is grounded for valid reasons . Often times there is some obligation involved—her promise to show up at Alix and Kim’s challenge and her promise with Nino in Simon Says—but chances are if Adrien weren’t there she wouldn’t want to go so bad (until an akuma showed up that is).

Something to understand about this: Mari has little to no opportunity to see Adrien. Worse, her history of being bullied and her previous status as an “acquaintance” rather than a “close friend” gives her at least some modicum of understanding about his situation. She empathizes with Adrien and cares for him, and is aware of his loneliness. During her life before Ladybug she likely longed for someone who would comfort and console her, and yeah probably found some relief with her mom given how Sabine seems aware of Chloe’s treatment of her daughter.

 But Adrien has no one, and knowing that makes Mari all the more anxious when he doesn’t show up for their social gatherings as well as driving her desire to be the source of love and comfort he so desperately needs.

I won’t deny Mari literally breaking the law for Adrien isn’t okay. Sneaking into his home, stealing his phone, and kissing his statue (its a statue in an important museum. Chances are you’re not supposed to touch those, let alone kiss them) are simply NOT OKAY things to do. A lot of this behavior earns her some hate from the fandom and some well-deserved scolding from Tikki. But rather than making me hate her, or call her a stalker, I’m mostly concerned that she doesn’t understand how bad that is. 

But Chat Blanc was a game changer. Adrien would NEVER have seen Ladybug in his room if she hadn’t taken her sweet time inspecting his belongings, smelling his pillow, etc. Meaning Adrien could have had her present and not known about Ladybug (he may have been curious as to how Mari’s gift got past security though). 

However since Marinette WAS seen by Adrien, he was able to learn her secret identity which led to this:

This is a scenario she never expected. And as she learns this was caused by her own poor judgement, she wastes no time in saving Chat Noir, erasing her name from her gift and allowing Adrien to believe it’s a gift from his Brazilian fan club instead of from her, Marinette.

Chat Blanc was one of the last episodes of s3. Safe to say she probably won’t be breaking into anything anytime soon (theres some debate over the chronological order of the episodes, but if I recall this one takes place either in the last four or five episodes on most lists). She nearly lost her kitty for good after all--that’s not a price she’s ever been willing to pay.

This likely wouldn’t have happened at all except Mari’s life as ladybug has caused her to become accustomed to certain behavior in order to keep her secret. Yeah Mari stole Adrien’s phone right out of his locker—and no that wasn’t okay. But remember when she stole her textbook back from Alya? Taking it right out of her bag when Alya wasn’t looking? Just so you know, in the French version, Mari tells Tikki she wrote her name in that textbook. So her secret identity was in grave danger and she had to act quickly.

You’re damn lucky Alya didn’t crack that book open the minute she got it, Mari.

Anyhoo the point is this: Mari is applying what she has come to know as “acceptable behavior i do to protect my secret identity” to her situation with Adrien and misinterpreting it as “acceptable behavior I do to keep Adrien from possibly rejecting me and crushing my soul.” And in her head, they’re similar even though the consequences of either secret coming out are vastly different.

Really think about the context of that voicemail she sent Adrien—if she had accidentally butt dialed Adrien while taking to Tikki about her life as Ladybug and then had to go steal his phone to keep him from learning the truth the fandom wouldn’t have had nearly as much beef with her over that as she wasn’t the one who created the “secret identities rule.”

The reason the two secrets are equally crucial in keeping, in Mari’s mind, is likely due to her overwhelming anxiety. Which even before she became the Guardian of Paris and then the Guardian of Miraculous she was still an anxious person.

She didn’t have much confidence or even a large support network. But in the span of one day she was entrusted with the safety and well being of every single person in Paris.

She didn’t believe she was cut out for being Ladybug but was denied the option of refusing the position and told to just do her best.

She knew going out she would likely screw up the job and given her task failure wasn’t really an option.

Then her worst fears were realized when she failed to capture her first akuma and many citizens were turned into stone statues. The only way to turn them back was to allow Ivan to be akumatized so she could defeat him and take his akuma. The very knowledge of which crippled her and caused her to give up the ladybug earrings.

She tried to go back to her normal life but couldn’t. Ivan was akumatized, Alya’s life was in danger and Chat Noir was struggling to the point he got captured and needed her help. So she took up being Ladybug again in order to help them.

What was she supposed to do? Watch?

From the very beginning she had no say in the matter. Her life as Marinette wasn’t and isnt easy—she has plenty of her own problems but she was given a Miraculous and basically condemned to being at war with Hawk Moth indefinitely.

Ever give a thought as to why the French government allow these two vigilante teenagers to handle the situation? Because ordinary people can’t. In other words if Mari thought only of herself she would give up the fight and ignore all the ensuing damage. But she can’t. And she won’t. She has a job to do. She could give up her miraculous but that would mean taking the pressure off her shoulders and dumping it all onto someone else just as it was dumped onto her. She cant bring herself to do that and even if she could—who would she possibly give it to?

Just imagining that kind of pressure makes me want hurl from nerves. And as of the S3 finale its gotten worse as she has lost Fu, the person who could give out Miraculouses to other people in case she never comes back one day.

Hawk Moth would win. Game over. That’s what it would mean.

Ladybug and Chat Noir know what Hawk Moth winning would mean better than anyone else does. Of course they won’t walk away from this fight. But that means they have to juggle their double lives until its over, and apparently have to do it again with a second hawk moth later on in the future.

And again, even before all of this Mari had a lot she suffered from. Chloe bullying her, feeling lonely, being clumsy. Clumsiness is mortifying--it truly means suffering. Being the class clutz is like being the class laughingstock. Mari seems to handle it fairly well.

 Until she’s around Adrien. I mean look at her!

Poor girl can’t stand looking so uncool in front of her crush. Even though he seems to find her clumsiness endearing.

Going off what was said in my “Debunking: Adrien is perfect” post, Marinette is hyper-sensitive to Adrien’s situation despite not really knowing the full extent of his suffering. 

Marinette doesn’t know Gabriel is Hawk Moth either, but she does understand Adrien is lonely, isolated and in need of a source of love and comfort. She also understands to some degree that his heart is delicate, so she constantly handles him with kid gloves and looks on him with a perfection filter. We see how Mari reacts to upsetting Adrien in Malediktator when she softly whispers an apology after Adrien expresses his sorrow over everyone celebrating Chloe’s departure. She seems pained and distraught over causing him to be upset. Thus the reason Marinette calls Adrien perfect isn’t that she never sees any of his flaws--she just cannot acknowledge or process them under these conditions. She’s too busy trying not to hurt him. 

Marinette can comprehend Adrien’s situation, couples that with her own past experiences of bullying/ loneliness/ being a clumsy laughingstock. That combined with her love for him and her anxiety-warped common sense, led to the behavior which has earned her some disapproval from the fandom at large.

 But really? Marinette’s not a terrible person. Anymore than Adrien is.

 Adrien’s sometimes-obnoxious-flirting is brought on by his desire to “not look lame” in front of Ladybug. Ergo, his own insecurities are amplified around her because he too lacks confidence.

 Likewise Marinette’s stammering and clumsiness are amplified around Adrien, as is her anxiety and her desire to be cool in front of him.

 They both feel they have to prove themselves to the other in some regard. And they both have past and present experiences that have left them hurting and/or warped their judgement in some ways. 

 This doesn’t make Mari’s irrational behavior any more acceptable than Adrien’s troubles make his leading Kagami on and lying to Ladybug acceptable. It’s not acceptable. But Mari is no more deserving of hate than Adrien is.

They’re just a couple of stressed out kids, folks

[mikauzoran]

Marichat Drabble: Comparison

“I legitimately cannot tell if this shirt is too low-cut,” Marinette sighed, angling this way and that in the mirror.

The shirt in question had a neckline like any regular t-shirt, rimming her collarbone. The problem was that directly below the neckline was a large panel that had been cut out between the neck and the chest. A modicum of coverage was provided by thin strips of fabric running vertically along the panel like cell bars.

Chat Noir looked up from his position sprawled out on his stomach on her chaise, reading a comic in the original Japanese.

He nearly fell off of the chaise. “Uh…well…what’s your typical standard for too low-cut?”

Marinette pursed her lips and turned to face him, one hand going to her hip. “This is weird, but there’s a mole in the center of my chest.” She tugged one of the strips of fabric out of the way to reveal a cute little mole situated in the valley between her breasts.

Chat tried not to stare, but…this was incredibly pertinent to his interests. That mole was going to make appearances in future dreams, he just knew it.

“Normally, if the mole shows, I know the top is too low. If the mole is covered, I’m good,” she elaborated. “With this top, though, the panel goes lower than the mole, but the mole is covered by the strip of fabric, so…it subverts my usual standards. I can’t… How am I supposed to tell if it’s too low?”

“Does the shirt make you feel uncomfortable?” With a great deal of effort, Chat forced himself to look her in the eye.

She shrugged. “Not especially. It’s just cleavage. It’s not like you can see…well…you know. It’s not like I’m bare-breasted.”

Thank you oh so much for the mental image, Marinette. I really needed that.

“Does it make you uncomfortable? As a man in general, I mean.” She cocked her head to the side and awaited his judgment call.

Yeah. I mean, with all this talk of your breasts, my pants are a little tight, and I’m kind of uncomfortable, but what’s a little arousal between friends, right?

“Let’s put it this way,” Chat sighed, shoving down his frustration. “If—big if—” he prefaced, “I were your boyfriend,”

She raised an eyebrow.

He wasn’t sure if it was a skeptical eyebrow raise or an eyebrow raise indicating interest. Maybe it meant nothing and he was just overthinking things.

“I would want to be with you whenever you wore that shirt,” he informed. “I would want you on my arm or within arms’ reach at all times because the second you were out of my sight, some horn-dog would be flirting with you, and I’d have to rearrange his face for him.”

“Hm,” Marinette hummed in amusement. “Really? That sexy?”

“Yes,” he answered with deadly certainty. “Marinette, if you want guys to trip over their own feet for you, wear the shirt. If you want guys to look at your face and listen to what you’re saying, wear something else.”

She chuckled at the gravity with which he made the statement. “What I’m hearing you say is that you don’t think I should wear this to the benefit concert with Adrien this Friday.”

“You can do whatever you want, but if you wear that shirt, you’ll be torturing that poor slob. He won’t be able to concentrate on the orchestra at all,” Chat declared, imagining sitting beside her in the dark for two hours with a perfect view down her top if he gave into temptation and looked to his left.

He wondered if he could get away with resting his hand on her thigh. No. Definitely not. Too forward. Completely inappropriate. Maybe her knee? He could try it. Maybe if he was feeling brave. But what if that made her uncomfortable but she was too polite to say something? Maybe he could slip his hand into hers. That was benign enough, right?

She drew him out of his thoughts with a musical snort. “Adrien isn’t like that.”

Chat returned the snort in indignation. He was glad she thought highly of him, but…there had to be more realistic expectations between them. “Princess, is he a teenage guy?”

“Yes.” Marinette rolled her eyes, turning back to study her reflection.

“Then he’s like that.

“He’s not,” she insisted.

“I guarantee he’s thought about you naked.”

“Chat Noir!” she gasped rounding on him.

He shrugged and kept going. “He’s had at least one dream about having sex with you.”

Her face went scarlet, but he couldn’t tell if that was from embarrassment or anger.

“He’s a guy, Marinette. However nice you think he is, however polite and gentlemanly he acts, he’s still a teenage guy, and teenage guys think about sex.”

“I suppose you would know,” she retorted sarcastically.

“Yes,” he laughed tersely. “Because I’m also a teenage guy, and I’m thinking about having sex with you right now.”

Internally, he cursed. Had he said that out loud? He mentally cursed again.

She scoffed, however, waving a hand dismissively and turning back to the mirror.

He wanted to scream. She didn’t even believe him.

“He likes you, you know,” Chat spat bitterly. She drove him insane sometimes.

“False,” she decreed. “How many times do I have to tell you that Adrien and I are just friends? Get your jealousy under control, Chat Noir. You do not have a monopoly on my friendship, and you’re going to have to learn how not to be threatened by the other males in my life one of these days.”

“This isn’t jealousy, and I am not threatened by Adrien Agreste,” Chat sulked. “I’m just stating a fact. Agreste likes you. Why else does he always buy you presents and ask you to be his date for things? He’s courting you.”

“By that logic, YOU are courting me. And you’re not. He is not. We’re friends. That’s just what friends do,” she groaned in exasperation. “They hang out and give presents. Believe me, he is just expressing friendship.”

“He has other friends, Marinette. There are other girls in his life he could ask to be his date from time to time. Heck, he could even bring Nino as his plus one, but he never does. It’s always you. Doesn’t that mean something?”

“It doesn’t have to,” she muttered, sounding suddenly morose.

“Just because you’re only friends now, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you,” Chat warned. “That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you two to be something more.”

“Can we drop this?” She met his eyes in the mirror, looking downtrodden. “Please?”

“…Sure,” he whispered.

It was quiet between them for nearly a full minute as Marinette studied her reflection, not really seeing herself. “…I think it is too low-cut after all,” she eventually sighed, slipping the shirt off over her head.

Chat was treated to yet another look at her red and black polka dotted bra. He’d decided that she was going to be wearing that bra in his next “First Time with Marinette” fantasy. He hadn’t made up his mind yet if he was going to be Adrien or Chat. Usually Adrien got the lacy pink lingerie set. Maybe the red and black polka dots could be Chat’s.

“Does it not bother you, changing in front of me?” he wondered in a neutral tone.

“No. I mean, I’m wearing my bra. It’s not like I’m stripping naked….” She whipped her head around to look anxiously at him over her shoulder. “Does it bother you?”

She was only now thinking of asking after having changed in front of him how many times?

“No,” he fibbed. He wasn’t “bothered” in the sense that she meant. He didn’t mind her changing in front of him.

Yes, it kind of irked him that she didn’t see taking articles of clothing off in front of him as a problem, but…

“It’s just…I’m not neutered, you know. I am a boy under the leather cat suit, and you’re alone in the house with me, taking your clothes off. Have you ever thought about that?” he inquired in a level tone, not letting his annoyance show.

She shrugged into a long-sleeved, off-the-shoulder red top that covered the mole at the center of her chest. A delicate lace band ran teasingly around the top just above the tops of her breasts. “It’s not something I’ve ever had to think about. You’d never.”

He wanted to leap at her, crush his lips to hers and prove her wrong, make her see him as a man.

But then she killed that line of thought with a chuckled, “I trust you.”

He sighed, letting his face fall into the throw pillow on the chaise. “Bugger me,” he grumbled, but it came out muffled.

“Hm?” She peered back over her shoulder. “What was that?”

He lifted his head. “Nothing.” He took a single look at her new top and froze, entreating, “Please wear that.”

“I think I will. I can wear the earrings you gave me with it,” she decided happily. “Yeah, this one’s much better.”

She pulled the top off and slipped back into the shirt she’d been wearing when he’d arrived. “I think I’ll pair it with my black pencil skirt and call it a day.”

“Super,” he sighed, picking up his manga and trying to figure out where he’d left off.

“…Is it weird to rely on a mole to determine the decency level of your wardrobe?” Marinette wondered, picking up the five or six rejected outfit choices from the floor and putting them away.

“I don’t think so. But, I mean, I do the same thing, so either it’s normal or we’re both the same kind of weird,” he answered with a shrug.

“You do the same thing?” she echoed quizzically. “How?”

Chat sat up and rubbed at the back of his neck. “You know how sometimes I have to do promotional photoshoots for my father’s company?”

She nodded.

“Sometimes that involves swimsuits or underwear or low-cut jeans,” he explained, “and I have this mole on my hip that, if it shows, that’s too much skin.”

“Where?” she prompted.

He stood and pointed just above the crease of his leg.

“Show me?” Marinette inquired curiously, a mischievous grin playing on her lips.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

“I showed you mine,” she pouted.

He shrugged. “I suppose fair’s fair.”

Without breaking eye contact, he pulled off his gloves and slowly began to tug down his zipper.

She watched the hypnotic descent of the bell with what he thought was undue interest, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy being the center of her attention.

He leisurely slid out of the sleeves, letting the top half of the suit hang around his waist behind him.

“How are you wearing boxers under that skintight leather suit?” Marinette giggled.

“Magic,” he snickered. “Do you like my magical boxers?”

“What are they made out of? Is that regular fabric? How does this even work?”

All of the sudden, she was kneeling on the carpet in front of him, touching the band of his boxers, investigating the suit, and trying to figure out how it was lying flat over the boxers.

Chat tried really hard to keep his mind out of the gutter. He did not succeed.

He cleared his throat. “Princess?”

She looked up questioningly, utter innocence on her face. She’d gotten caught up in the clothes and wasn’t even thinking about their position.

“You had wanted to see the mole?” he reminded.

“Oh, right!” she laughed sheepishly, sitting back on her heels and watching him expectantly.

He rolled down the waistband of his boxers, revealing the mole on his hip.

“That is pretty low.” She reached out and poked it.

“I didn’t get to touch yours,” he teased.

She cocked an eyebrow up at him. “Did you want to?”

Despite the fact that she had just poked his mole, she sounded as if she couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to touch hers.

He looked away, hoping the angle would hide his blush. “Nope. I’m good. Thank you. If you don’t mind, I’m going to put my clothes back on now before Sabine gets home and decides to walk in on us.”

“Ugh,” Marinette groaned at the thought, rocking back and pushing herself up to standing. “Please no. It was bad enough the other day when you accidentally spent the night. I think she could sense something was off.”

Chat hummed noncommittally as he pulled the suit back on.

“Can I zip it?” Marinette inquired with all the enthusiasm of a six-year-old.

“Why not?” he chuckled, willingly submitting as she grabbed the bell and slowly tugged.

“I love the bell,” she chuckled.

“I love that you love the bell,” he confessed breathily.

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode fourteen: so... sandoval’s committed to that hairstyle, eh?

I AM DEAD FROM THE GET GO.

KATIE FUCKED UP THE WEDDING INVITATIONS.

KATIE DONE FUCKED UP THE WEDDING INVITES, Y’ALL.

She spent $18.50 on each one of those “tea towels”/dish rags/thing you use to pick up bugs you’ve crushed under books that she’s trying to fool us all into thinking are chic1 and she forgot to put a space for people’s names on the RSVP, so the entire opening of the show is a damn guessing game as to who’s attending their wedding. Katie also wears a bandana that just reminds me of Avril Lavigne, and we get a little talk about how each of the Toms draws their respective penises.

Kristen comes in, and it’s time to rehash the events of HRH DJ James Kennedy’s show, and Kristen pretty much admits she went there to start shit. She calls it “eat popcorn and watch fireworks”, but she very clearly and very obviously went there for a) camera time and b) to rile up a person who is easily riled. I HATE DEFENDING JAMES. The conversation transitions quickly to Scheana, and how they all feel like since she and Ariana are friendly again, she’s begun distancing herself from the rest of them. Do you blame her, though? Y’all are terrible to her and only treat her with a modicum of decency when you need someone on your side. Katie still has an issue with the way Ariana treated Stassi at the Drunken Painting Event2 and honestly, shows some hilarious hypocrisy here. I mean, it’s Katie, so that’s to be expected. She says Ariana needs to “fall in line”, like she’s fucking Stassi from 2013. Tom mentions that they should all settle their beef before they go to New Orleans, but it doesn’t even matter about Ariana because she’ll be hanging out with the guys, primarily. Katie pretty much is like, “Well, if she doesn’t want to get along with everyone, I don’t want her there or at the wedding.” GIRL PLEASE YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT HER IN YOUR WEDDING PARTY IN THE FIRST PLACE, it’s not Ariana’s obligation to want to hang out with you.

Speaking of Ariana, it’s officially time for the Why Does Lisa Vanderpump Need To Know This segment of the episode, featuring Jax “I Barely Survived Prohibition” Taylor, and … Scheana. Apparently Tom Sandoval is re-entering the modeling world, and Ariana’s baffled by the idea of dating a male model. Ariana is officially Christine Taylor’s character from Zoolander, a connection I’m shocked it took me this long to make. Jax pretends that he was there to see James perform, and remains wonderfully aloof. He pretty much admits - yeah, he’s going to make James’s life hell simply because he doesn’t like him. Jax Taylor, who is 80, is going after a 25 year old man because he just doesn’t like him. What is WRONG with these people?

God, I love this soap opera.

Tom&Tom head over to Joe Simpson[^3]’s house for a photoshoot - WHAT? - because Tom needs photos for an agency to prove that he’s still got what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model3. They talk about Katie and Ariana, and basically agree that what’s going on between them is bullshit, but neither side backs down - except Sandoval, just slightly, by telling Schwartz he’ll talk to Ariana about being more polite. I watched the photoshoot through my fingers, because photoshoots on reality TV are notoriously awkward. I can’t keep my eyes off Tom’s lace front. I don’t even want to mention Joe Simpson. Isn’t Tom like, 10 years older than Joe Simpson’s target demographic?

This show becomes more and more like Zoolander every time I watch it.

James and his doll with dying batteries/girlfriend Raquel go to Bruhaus and sit outside and somehow they have a waitress with a voice as annoying as Raquel’s. James and Raquel talk about the previous night’s events, and Raquel makes him promise that he’s been faithful to her, which he does, and we all know that’s a crock. This will come back to us at some point. I spent this entire scene yelling RAQUEL LET YOUR WORDS OUT PLEASE. She admits that she has a hard time trusting him when she’s up at school, and he doesn’t do the best job of convincing her of such.

Jax and Brittany decide to go to church, and I’m shocked Jax doesn’t go up in flames upon entering a church. Everything I know about religion I learned from Sister Act and Dogma, so I just assume when fallen angels go into a church, it brings on the end of humanity4. Jax wears a suit, pretends he knows how to be a decent person, and asks what frankincense is. It’s something you could use instead of steroids, Jax. How about that? At church, they’re celebrating anger and preaching about taking accountability for your actions towards others. Brittany, who doesn’t know what “irony” is, points out how ironic it is that Jax is here on this day. How timely! Jax hopes going to church one time will be enough to get Brittany and her mom on his side again, because moving a girl across the country and getting angry that she adapted to her surroundings is equivalent to going to church one time.

Stassi’s at her mom’s house in Lake Arrowhead, where she’s helping her after her full hysterecto5 and making her disgusting breakfast. Her mom is happy because it means Stassi will finally have to take care of someone besides herself for once. Nikolai, Stassi’s little brother, lets Katie in and is immediately going to Nikolai for advice. It’s so weird they’re going to a 12 year old for advice, but Stassi is rightful to feel guilty for separating Nikolai and Patrick after their breakup. Letting anyone into your life is hard, and letting them get close to those you love is harder because all relationships are delicate and can end at any time. Stassi admits that she needs to be alone for a bit, and Nikolai doesn’t 100% understand that. Stassi sobs, and Nikolai comforts her - something I’m pretty sure he’s used to. Very, very used to.

Sandoval and James go and get tea6 and discuss the Night At The Redbury shenanigans - James thinks it’s flattering that GG wants to go out of her way to prove they slept together, and continues to deny it happened, even though Tom is like “dude, it happened. Just admit it.” It really does seem like it happened. James is the anti-Jax: he refuses to admit truths about himself, but is more than happy to perpetuate lies about other people. James is such garbage.

Peter/Ray Romano is producing an eight-minute short sci-fi film, because he’s convinced that for some reason, anyone will give him $100 million for a first feature7, even if it is a sci-fi one. Tom Sandoval is involved, of course, because this episode should really be called Tom Sandoval Is A Hustler Like Lisa Rinna. They put Tom Sandoval in front of a green screen in broad daylight and basically wrap him in fabric the way I did at every toga party I went to in college.8 He can barely get his lines correct, and he’s hoping this will lead to Peter being the next James Cameron and making the next Avatar. Please, god, no. Do we need another Blue Dances With Wolves? I know we’re getting Blue Fern Gully 2 and Blue Pocahontas 3 in a few years, but I don’t think Peter’s going to be James Cameron. It’s a wrap, and Ariana and Tom get to talking. Ariana doesn’t give any fucks about Katie being worried about her behavior, and doesn’t see anything worth apologizing for, which she doesn’t. Tom advises her to be a little nicer in her delivery, and Ariana says she’s not one to sugarcoat. And neither am I.9

We’re at Villa Rosa, where Scheana is meeting with Pandora10 and Lisa Vanderpump, where they’ve come to raid for booze for Katie’s bridal shower? Didn’t they just have one of those for her? Anyway, Pandora’s throwing it. Scheana immediately starts throwing shade about Katie’s attitude, which both Pandora and Lisa try to write off as just “bridal jitters”, and Scheana’s like, “nah, that doesn’t give you the right to be an absolute monster.” I’m gonna get vertigo with how much this show wants me to flip flop on these people, I swear. Lisa doesn’t understand why Katie’s being so mean to Scheana, and waves a dog around for the entirety of this exchange. She must have the strongest arms in the world.

Schwartz meets with the rest of the grooms...people? I don’t know what to call them since Ariana’s there, so I’ll just say “groomsmen” for the sake of it all. They order Jameson picklebacks11 and beers and decide they’re going to go full drag for a night, because they want to know if they would have sex with themselves if they were woman. Jax is game, but only if he can be a SuicideGirl type, which to me, is horrific. Tom denies any homoeroticism between any of the guys, and we’re greeted with a lovely montage of Jax humping men, Jax dressed as a cowboy, Jax snuggling with the Toms. Nothing homoerotic about it, right? Schwartz brings up what went down between Ariana and Stassi, and basically says Stassi was super upset and Ariana was too harsh. Ariana doesn’t think she should apologize - again, because she shouldn’t - but does agree to go to Stassi and try to smooth things over.

Pandora’s house looks like Dirk Diggler’s house in Boogie Nights, but she’s set up a great spread for Katie’s second bridal shower. Stassi basically looks like she’s about to shit herself with Ariana arrives, but they go to ooh and ahh over Pandora’s house that Lisa Vanderpump clearly paid for. Y’all - this is what happens when you both have rich parents and are responsible with your money. Oh, this is a “spa day” party, that’s the theme. They’re getting massages. I want a fucking massage. Meanwhile, Ariana, Stassi, Pandora, get glycolic hand peels whilst Katie, Kristen, and Brittany get massages. Scheana tries to smooth things over between Ariana and Stassi, which leads to Ariana having my favorite line of the night:

Stassi: “She’s the one that doesn’t like me.” [Ariana and Stassi both laugh]

Ariana (in her talking head): “I’m laughing because it’s funny, and it’s funny because it’s true.”

Scheana wants Ariana to apologize, and both Ariana and Stassi don’t want an apology because they both know it would be disingenuous. Stassi knows Ariana doesn’t like her, and she just doesn’t want Ariana to make it so obvious when they’re around each other - not a crazy request. Ariana agrees to have a more open mind and that she just wants to have fun. They both just want to have fun, so shit seemed smooth with the two of them.

The ladies sit down to a gorgeous lunch, and Katie of course rekindles the argument that was just settled. Stassi and Ariana both admit to not wanting apologies, and Katie gets all passive-aggressive and basically says “It would make me feel better if you just apologized.” She throws her wedding around and “can’t stand to have negativity around” during that time. Girl, have you looked at yourself and your life and your choices? Scheana is pissed off because she tried to smooth things over between Stassi and Ariana for Katie, and Katie’s still unhappy with the results, even though Stassi and Ariana are. Katie mentions how upset she was that Scheana told her about the bridal shower drama, and that she feels like Scheana’s pulling away from her, and Scheana’s like “Well, I’m tired of waking up to abusive text messages from you every morning.” Katie then sums up both herself and why she’s terrible in one line: “It’s harsh, it’s mean, it’s my truth.” She then says she’s tired of being called insubordinate, which is the correct term, but still feels wrong in this context. Scheana tries to point out that Katie’s a mean drunk and is basically being gaslit in the worst way. Katie refuses to take accountability and basically is like “Why can’t I be mean when I’m drunk if you deserve it?” and says people are calling Scheana fake, anyway, so what does it matter. What this boils down to is Katie is pissed that Scheana can take the high road while Katie remains going low constantly, and Katie calls that Scheana trying to be “perfect". Katie just wants everyone to go for the jugular when it comes to her, and doesn’t like that Scheana is capable of being a decent person at times. Scheana throws her napkin and runs out, and Pandora is sitting there like “WHY DID I DO THIS?” Scheana, in the bathroom, finally admits what we’ve been saying all along - Katie doesn’t like her, she’s just trying to pad her #GirlSquad for her wedding. Katie claims her wedding events have been tainted by assholes (herself) and tries to sound like the fucking Godfather when she says “I will fuck you up” if you turn on her. She just sounds like a psychopath.

Katie and Scheana talk about how Scheana feels like she’s always doing something wrong with Katie, and Katie, who locked her Twitter because she couldn’t handle valid criticism, says that she calls people out when they’re wrong, and that it’s okay to call her out. Is that not what Scheana was just doing? They kiss and make up, and it’s sad because Katie is a garbage bag full of toenail clippings and Scheana just wants to be on television.

Jax goes to meet Lisa in the Sexy Unique Restaurant to both get paid and also to ask if the boys can borrow gowns from her. She’s horrified, especially at the insinuation she might have costume jewelry, but agrees. The boys head over to Villa Rosa to try on Lisa’s jewelry and underwear. Jax and Sandoval are in AWE over Lisa’s apartment/closet that I am salivating in envy over. Tom Sandoval is putting on every single piece of Lisa’s jewelry, and Jax comes out wearing one of Lisa’s dresses with the neckline down to his bellybutton12. Jax calls Givenchy “Ga-vinch-y”, of course, and Tom wears a bra and the best sunglasses I’ve ever seen. This scene is much less horrific than I thought, considering.

Tom and Katie are out to dinner, and Schwartz is ordering salt-and-vinegar french fries13 and Katie’s ordering tequila on the rocks, as per usual. This is their relationship in a nutshell: potatoes and vodka. Tom’s already wearing his wedding ring, and says he’ll take it off around hot girls, which Katie is unamused by. He asks her how Pandora’s was, and immediately says that Ariana was nervous because of Katie’s reaction to her, and the fact that Tom now has an idea about both sides of the story, and accuses Katie of not being objective. Katie immediately goes on the defense, accuses Tom of taking Ariana’s side and accuses Ariana of casting a shadow over the entire event, and continues to say “It’s my fucking day”, reaffirming the truth - Katie wants to get married to say she got married and to win, not because she’s in love. She cries and calls Ariana self-centered and elitist, which is rich coming from Katie. And Tom calls it as it is: Ariana is more emotionally mature than Katie could ever wish to be, and is self-aware enough to know when something should be settled. Tom loses any support he had from me by passive-aggressively saying “I should have known better than to say anything that doesn’t agree with your opinion.” I get his intention, but he doesn’t have to be so self-loathing about it. Katie does what Katie does and walks out on him AGAIN, and this time he doesn’t run after her. He shouldn’t. Katie really should be ashamed of herself.

Next Week: Katie’s going to explode, Jax doesn’t like the tension, James is back working for Lisa, they get beaded in New Orleans, everyone gets drunk, Katie gets hit in the face with something finally, and Stassi and Jax talk about their relationship.

SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR THE BACHELOR I PROMISE.

Random Thoughts From The Desk of Amanda:

I really hate that I like the length of Katie’s nails. Like, they’re short but pointy. I want them on me but I don’t want them because Katie has them.

I get that Schwartz, Lisa, and Sandoval hate Stassi, but it really does seem like they all blame Katie’s bad behaviors on her, as if Katie’s incapable of being an asshole otherwise. Nah, she’s always been terrible.

I miss Lala.

Why is Carter a groomsman?

Another “Why Did Tom And Katie Get Married?” theory: the idea of getting your wedding called off on national TV is humiliating, but they really should have called it off at this point in the season.

Kristen’s scary nodding when Katie was like “It’s my day, it’s about me.” Oh my god.

I loved that Jax struggled with “transvestite”. He’s constantly showing his age.

Linguistics joke: I’m really tempted to always call Tom Schwartz “Tommy Schwa”, but using ə as his last name - “Tommy ə”. That is a joke that wouldn’t land.

Katie is probably a Pinterest nightmare. ↩︎

My names are slowly but surely becoming less interesting. ↩︎

Listen to my podcast! ↩︎

Then again, Donald Trump is president, so. Jax, look at what you fucking did. ↩︎

WHY IS THIS SCENE NOT ON YOUTUBE? Happy Endings is the best show you never watched. ↩︎

And from the looks of it, Sandoval pays. LOLOLOLOL. ↩︎

I can hear my boyfriend screaming and laughing, and he’s not even near me as I’m watching this. ↩︎

i.e, with zero finesse or attempt to make it look decent. ↩︎

It is not my obligation to make you feel comfortable. ↩︎

Who is wearing a Boy George hat. Man, he is having a great 2017. ↩︎

Why would you do this to Jameson. ↩︎

The bra is gone! ↩︎

Did you know if you like salt and vinegar, you probably like the taste of blood? ↩︎