#and for engaging with my current hyperfocus (hsr kae.ya)

[ccaptain]

Bit of a vent moment that melts in me eventually gushing the friends I made over here and that I have:

The short tl;dr is that in these months I fell prey to the old habit of my mental illness, hyperfocused on a situation that made me feel small and uninteresting, and the willingness to be interesting got so bad that I developed essentially a tunnel vision in mass-producing headcanons for my H:SR Kaeya in a way that sucked the fun out of everything I did and essentially gutted the characterization that I liked so much. There are no villains in this except my own mental illness, which sucks big time, and has made me sink back into the ''I'm overbearing and I'll stop messaging them after tot messages'' mentality. It sucks, I was doing well, all that sad jazz.

I want to remark this: avoid making part of your characterization palatable for specific people- unless their interest for this has been VERY active and they have specifically told you that they are interested in these parts and in joining you, multiple times. If you catch yourself doing that with a lack of matching energy, backpedal as fast as possible. Make them into something you're more comfortable with. Like when your play-doh creation sucks so you squish it and remake it into something you know better.

Addictionally, an important bit: stop making excuses for people's lack of interest. Your comfort and importance shouldn't be based in who or who doesn't pay attention to what you do. Sometimes it's not malicious, sometimes it is. Put some distance between yourself and what makes you feel that way, and whoever is interested will reach out when they can and if they want to. If not, keep going without them if necessary. It will feel like it's the end of the world, and then it won't. You'll be fine.

Thankfully the people I talk most to on Discord have been made aware of the situation and reality checked me in the facehelped me deal with it in an healthy way, and essentially dragged me in the ''none of that. give me your H:SR Kaeya to rp/ship with'' kind of good hell, with an almost unhealthy amount of interest towards eachother at any given times. I have become comfortable again into leaving headcanons in their DMs again like a little mouse dropping cheese crumbs, and in sending more than two messages before the anxiety of being overbearing gets to me. This means a LOT as it probably feels natural to engage with since it's the essence of how people interact with eachother, but it means a lot to me. If possible I would sit on your nightstand like a little grateful squish-to-activate light.

Also a special shoutout to @predvestnik which I have bullied into making an H:SR AU for their Childe so we could have Chaeya in this verse too, and that I am currently bullying into ArgentiHill hell. C: