#and for being able to sit my ass down for a good 7-8 months 💀

[fadeintolight]

🫶

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Saturday, April 13th, 2024!

8:19pm: Had a quick exchange with him again. Nothing has changed and I don't want to be obsessed with his socials again tbh. I still don't really get the whole "I'm so busy" thing when that was his #1 complaint with me. Like I actually don't understand, being busy is not a flex tbh. Being on your grind is 100% a flex but that goes with work hard play hard. Just saying you're busy makes you sound like an ass 😂 whatever I don't understand anything about him anymore.

I don't want to see his socials anymore because 1) it's all fake af. 2) it makes me wonder why he couldn't change for me, but in REALITY (the real world where I reside) he hasn't changed, his life got 100x easier. No rent, a more basic bitch that doesn't expect anything from him and is weird, and free weed, everyone giving him a ride everywhere (he doesn't even have to drive ever wtf), and everyone just treats him like a spoiled child. Yes..... I'm sure it IS easy to have an emergency fund when you live with your parents for free..... Wtf do you even need an emergency fund for? Wtf kind of emergency are you having, you run out of gas (omg wait he doesn't even drive so what am I talking about) scratch that.... The only emergencies I had living with my parents had to do with my car like..... Jesus I wish that was the fucking case nowadays 💀 Omg why am I even comparing the two of us. I feel like I just snapped back to reality, this guy is still acting like a high schooler. We are literally not able to be compared anymore. I really don't give myself enough credit for doing this shit on my own (really) for 6 months. Let's see your emergency savings after that, dumbass. Stfu. I'm not trying to be mean but we are not the same. I'm about to be done grinding, I've grinded for 7 yrs I'm tired AF. I'll say it again being busy is not a flex.

11:25pm: Ugh he just pisses me off because he's a fucking liar. You can reach me anytime my ass why does he keep saying that when it's not true. What a fuck up. I hate him

2:47am: Well I was on the phone with him for three hours oops probably just fucked up my karma big time. Ugh I need this semester to enddddd. Too much sitting around time, not enough leaving the house to meet new ppl time :/ likeeee I've said a million times and need to remind myself, I don't want to be the reason they break up. Also he said he's planning on moving out with her in 4 months so September? Damn they would've been together a whole year. He said it only feels like it's been a month for him and literally his stuff is still packed up in boxes like wtf. I guess that'll just make it easier to move. Well good for him he sounds like he's really on track for a good life. Idk literally whenever I ask him about her, it's never like super positive. Maybe he just likes that he constantly has something to complain about? I have no idea. He said she's clingy, but sometimes it's too much. And he always says it's ups and downs with them. He sounds like he's really changed, but he says he can't go through breaking another person's heart. Maybe he knows I'm bullshitting him. He also says he is just too embarrassed to get back together with me and have to see my family again, etc. Sounds like he's making the best out of a fucked up situation tbh. During the call, I kept calling him out whenever he would say things that were literally stringing me along, because he didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned it. He didn't realize how much he was leading me on with the things he's saying until I very clearly pointed it out. All that stuff I texted him must've actually done something too, because it's stuck with him about disrespecting his gf.

Long story short...... I think he's actually gonna change for her if I leave him alone lol. He just gets to live with the fact that he fucked up being with me forever. Making the best of his shit situation. Tbh those antidepressants probably made a huge impact. Glad he got the help he needed. Idk man I guess he's done with me now, he seems pretty done, except for the part where he pulled his dick out again and told me he wanted to stick his dick in my mouth. But whatever.

Actually the part that hurt me the most was when he said she's been his best friend for two years like... The worst part for him was me telling him I let a guy play with my boobs over spring break and one tiny tear rolled down his cheek. Plus I ended up lying since he asked me if someone had been in our bed and I told him no because I could tell that would've really upset him. I think he would've hung up. Also couldn't tell him that yeah someone else had met the cats and pet them. I said what are you gonna do and he .... Clearly isn't going to do anything. Lame.

Longer story short: I need to stop butting in to this mess ig. Makes my stomach hurt tbh. Too much studying today made my brain go crazy. I'm really frazzled tbh. Honestly kinda pissed off all I wanted him to do was help me with the bills and now he's magically able to save $500 a week somehow. Jesus Christ wtf was he spending it on before. I'll never know. Makes me sick to my stomach actually. And it's not magic, it's what he should've been able to do all along, he just wanted to be a little bitch before.

This has stirred up a lot of emotions that I kind of hate. He can't control himself around me fucking bullshit I don't get it. So much of him sounds good but then he does something icky like that. Idk anymore. I'm tired and talking to him has actually just made things worse, not better. End of story.