#and find everyone that's straying outside of that to be morally reprehensible

[thestarseersystem]

Can we just slot away the experiences with those with polyfragmented DID away from DID itself. Cause like. No fucking wonder I didn't realize that I had DID, it's a completely different ballpark.

Like, if you got three ANPs, and the main one has a subsystem with fragments + introjects, no shit are you not going to see a constant interruption of memory. Sure, it's kind of bumpy, but at worst it's just heavy dissociation for a couple of days.

Like. Why have people not made a keen distinction? Why has it been so ignored? I'm frustrated honestly.

Like. Yes, I've always had memory problems, but that can easily be attributed to other things if the symptoms are less severe.

It's honestly fucking frustrating that I run into people that say "tHeRe'S oNlY pOlYfRaGmEnTeD dId" without fucking explaining past the theory of structural dissociation. No theory of structural dissociation is going to HELP ME understand my experiences. Like you're just throwing out words and it's not explaining why or how it works.

It makes me unbelievably pissed. EXPLAIN. Explain that people with a higher tier of structural dissociation have a way more unstable system and that causes a greater number of alters, which lessens dissociative gaps within the fronting group, but may widen the gap between the innerworld alters and fronting alters. Explain how polyfragmented systems work compared to regular DID. Explain that the OSDD-1b label isn't actually what we think it is.

I am tired of stupid fucking idiots on the internet that only deem to quote and paraphrase, instead of doing adequate explanations of what those quoted texts mean. It's absolutely fucking infuriating.

Don't just say that I don't know what I'm talking about, if you're not going to give me adequate reason. These are my experiences, and it's so fucking easy to misconstrue if you're not being overly specific.

And there is literally no damn way to research shit first fucking hand when you need to buy the books, find specific scientific articles or see actual sources. I saw some of you getting mad that we say "DID has little research", but yet to back up your arguments. Why quote something when you barely understand it yourself?

This community needs a fucking overhaul. I am exhausted. We're all just parroting off of each other, as google is not that damn helpful.

I just want more understanding and articulation. Being a polyfragmented system is difficult all on its own, maybe we should understand that the human psyche cannot withstand intense amounts of trauma without breaking down in some form or fashion. It really is confusing that many people try to force the idea that we must face it all alone, you should know that's not how that works.

[ressarioth]

@nakamatoo requested:

how about a modern Au of ereannie where annie's the delinquent badgirl and Eren is the normal classmate that is drawn to her and gradually gets close to her?

This completely got away from me and I ended up with more ideas for it than I could fit in. As such there's a lot left to be explored, but I needed to stop somewhere because at about 8.8k words this exceeded the maximum of anything I had in mind when opening requests. I'll leave certain things up for everyone's imagination/interpretation for now. I hope you enjoy it.

If Annie got one buck for every time someone looks at her with contempt she'd probably be able to ditch her part-time job and still help her father pay for their expenses. To everyone at school she's the girl that broke a senior's arm last year and that pretty much got her branded as the school's "bad girl". It doesn't matter that she was only defending herself — he was the popular student and excelled at playing the victim so she was the one that got suspended for a week. On top of that two of her teachers deliberately had her fail their classes so she's forced to repeat the grade. One additional year stuck in this hellhole.

Annie always had a feeling that growing up in a small town was the worst that could happen to someone who doesn't fit the social expectations of the people living there. But she learned early on that getting her father to move to a big city is an impossible task — he's a stubborn man who turned into more of a recluse as she grew older and now he won't even head to the grocery store anymore. So she has resigned herself to her fate of living in this place until she graduates. She likes to dream of moving away for university sometimes — though if she's being realistic she doesn't know if she can leave her father to his own devices in his condition.

Her only solace is the small record store in a back alley leading away from the main street where she works after school. It's a hub for all the outsiders who don't fall in line with the town's mentality — not that Annie would associate with them, she prefers to keep to herself. But there she doesn't have to bear anyone's scrutiny, if anything she sticks out for how plain she looks in her jeans and hoodie that aren't made to convey some kind of statement.

At first Annie earned some skeptical looks from the denizen's for how ordinary she looks compared to her co-workers. After a couple of weeks however she got accepted as the quiet girl who stands behind the counter during the afternoon and serves everyone without a smile. Nobody bothers her with small talk or asking if a specific LP is in stock and that serves her just right.

Well, usually nobody bothers her.

There are always exceptions to the rule and those exceptions tend to come in the form of one-time customers who get lost on their quest to buy new music. That's at least Annie's conclusions and she wouldn't mind these stray people if they didn't have a tendency to approach her with any questions they have just because she's sitting behind the register.

"Hey, I'm looking for a CD."

Without taking her eyes off the book she's reading, Annie notes: "CDs are right behind you. Vinyls and tapes are along the left wall — actually, it's the right wall for you."

"Okay, but I was thinking of something specific," the person insists — most likely a guy, judging by the voice, but she is learning not to assume these things.

Annie sighs at the persistence. "Then start looking or ask my boss who actually knows about stuff like this."

"And why can't you help me with this, since you're right here in front of me? Too busy reading your book?"

Giving up on trying to read the same two sentences a third time, Annie puts down her reading material and meets the pestering customer with a glare — only to be given pause from attempting to murder whoever is standing in front of her with her eyes. The face she finds herself looking at is familiar. The brown hair and the green eyes which are prominent compared to his tan skin belong to nobody else but her classmate: Eren Jaeger.

Annie's surprise seems nothing compared to his. She could have sworn he took a step back when recognising her and there's unease in his eyes. Whatever attitude he displayed before has drained out of him now. He comes off positively shy when he adds: "I mean, erm, could you help me please?"

This has got to be the worst situation Annie finds herself in since having to listen to the principal preach about how morally reprehensible it is to hurt another student. As if it wasn't bad enough that she has to bear with her new classmates during lessons, now one of them has to show up in this small store which has become her only refuge aside from her room.

Maintaining eye contact Annie explains: "Even if I were inclined to help you — which I'm not — I couldn't because I know jack shit about any of the music we sell here."

As she reaches for her book, she catches Eren giving her a puzzled look. "Then why do you work at a record store?"

"Because it pays money." Annie doesn't feel like having this conversation, but she still indulges him with an answer while she's flipping through the pages to find where she left off.

Eren leans in and lowers his voice to ask. "And what are they paying you to do here exactly?"

"To take your money from you, because these records aren't for free," Annie tells him, staring him down over the edge of her book. He backs away again.

"Oh," Eren notes, ever the intelligent remark on his lips. "I guess I'll come back once I found my CD."

Finally he gets it. Pleased, Annie returns her attention to her pastime and she was never as happy as she is now to read about someone getting stabbed.

When Eren returns to the counter he puts down a CD with a blonde woman wearing a crown and holding a bouquet on the cover. Annie only gives it a brief look as she picks it up to check the price. She doesn't bother reading the label as it wouldn't mean anything to her anyway.

"It's a present," Eren feels compelled to share.

"I didn't ask." Annie types the price into the register and announces: "5.50."

"Right…" Eren hands her the money and she goes through the motions of checking the value and giving out the change. Without any particular interest she watches as he slips the CD into his bag. Once he's done he looks at Annie again and it's like he's waiting for something. She stares back without a word until he averts his eyes and mumbles: "See you at school tomorrow."

Annie doesn't respond. She doesn't like how this is turning out. She doesn't want her school life and her work life to intersect, yet Eren acted friendly with her towards the end as if they somehow became buddies through this one encounter. He better not expect her to acknowledge him in school from now on or this could turn unpleasant for her. Trying to rid herself from this terrible thought she dives back into the horror and tragedy of her book.

As if to fulfil her fears, Eren approaches Annie during break the next day by dragging a free chair over to her table and slumping into it.

"So, Battle Royale," he says and looks at her expectantly as if she should know what he's talking about.

Annie blinks in her initial surprise and then glares at him like he's an unwanted alien. In a way he is, considering he's invading her personal space and trying to strike up a conversation when she has come to a silent agreement with everyone since joining the class that they will leave her the fuck alone. But not Eren, not anymore. She wonders if he's the kind of guy who would mistake a polite smile from a girl as an indicator of her having to be in love with him — which isn't the reason Annie doesn't walk around smiling at people but hopefully beneficial side-effect of it.

Still, the statement catches her off guard enough that she reflexively questions: "What?"

"The book you were reading yesterday," Eren explains. "I didn't catch a good look at the title so it took me a bit to figure it out. I thought about reading it as well, I've only seen the film so far."

The fact that he spent time thinking about anything remotely related to their encounter yesterday is concerning and Annie would rather not dwell on it. She shouldn't encourage the idea in his head that they're somehow on talking terms now. But maybe words are the necessary means it takes to convey how thoroughly unimpressed she is by him since he's proving himself resistant to any nonverbal cue to leave her be. "Oh, so you're one of the edgy kids who watches R rated movies even though you're not allowed to yet."

Eren gives an amused huff. "You're one to talk, the book can hardly be any better. I'd even wager it's more explicit. Or—" he leans in and lowers his voice as if he's sharing a secret and she wonders if that's a habit of his— "are you trying to say that visual depictions of violence are worse than any verbal description of it?"

Though Annie could argue the point she doesn't feel like it's worth it. At least he has the decency to retreat out of her personal space without having to be prompted, but she doesn't like the way he's grinning. To test his boundaries (and ideally unsettle him enough to leave her be) she notes: "It's stress relief, to keep me from doing the real thing."

Having a reputation as a delinquent has its benefits sometimes. There is a hint of unease crossing Eren's face — enough to make Annie almost rejoice in having succeeded. However he regains his composure faster than yesterday when she first met his gaze. Unfortunate.

"I never see you reading it at school though, don't bring it with you?" he comments as if she hadn't just revealed a willingness to commit murder. Maybe it was too much of a bluff even for her well known record. She decides not to dwell on it.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Annie almost snorts. "You think I'd let any of the teachers catch me with that? They'd probably kick me out for real."

The moment Annie closes her mouth she knows that she said too much. That's not the kind of information she wanted to share with a classmate whom she's trying to get rid off. She's going to regret this.

"Huh…" Eren seems thoughtful and she braces herself. "I didn't think you cared."

Oh, Annie cares. If she wants to get a good enough job to support herself and her father, she's going to have to graduate from high school at the very least. But that's personal information, nothing meant for Eren's ears. She already told him more than she wanted to.

"What would I do with my life if it wasn't for this shit dump with self-important teachers and obnoxious classmates pestering me," Annie tries to distract from the truth with sarcasm. "It would be so boring."

"You always look like you're bored anyway."

They both pause. Annie could've easily dismissed the comment if it wasn't for that "always" sticking out like a neon coloured warning sign. It sounds like Eren has been paying attention to her even before their encounter yesterday. She doesn't know how to respond and the way he avoids her gaze fills her with the uneasy feeling that her suspicion is right.

"Anyway, I brought you something," Eren changes the topic and places his phone on the table in front of her.

Welcoming the distraction, Annie goes along with the prompt, though she gives the device a skeptical look. It seems he has the habit of dropping fragments of a conversation without giving a clue about the context. It's unnerving. "This better not be a setup to exchange numbers or I'll have to damage your property."

Eren stops rummaging in his pocket and looks at her with wide eyes. "What? No. I've never even heard of that one before."

"You'll have to pay me to get to use it then," Annie decrees. "Though I wouldn't recommend you try this on any girl."

"Didn't even cross my mind," Eren assures her and there's an air about him that she — for lack of a better word — would describe as innocent. It seems he isn't here to hit on her which would be one disaster averted. That still leaves her with the general issue of him trying to interact with her — and at this point she's afraid she let herself get roped in too far to pull out of the conversation. (How did he manage this? How did she let it happen?)

Finally Eren seems to have found what he was looking for, because he's producing a set of tangled up headphones from his pocket. As he's working on straightening out the cable, Annie furrows her brows together. "You…brought me your phone and a headset?"

"Music," Eren declares as he plugs in the headphones. "I brought you a song to listen to."

"Why?" The word is over Annie's lips as soon as it pops into her head.

"Because I like this song and—" He presents her with an earbud, but she doesn't move to take it from him. "Come on, what's the deal?"

Annie hesitates to answer. She never gave it much thought, but suddenly she feels a little uneasy to admit: "I don't really listen to music."

It's one of those things she knows must make her odd to her peers. She grew up in a home without media that has audio. There's no TV or stereo; the old laptop she owns is only meant for school assignments and it was hard enough to convince her father of its necessity. He has been sound sensitive for as long as she can remember, and it only got worse since his discharge from the military. He taught her how to fight and take care of herself, he even encouraged her reading, but music is something she never learned to enjoy.

"Oh, I see." Eren lets his hand sink and seems disappointed. "You…don't like it? At all?"

"I guess I never bothered to get into it." Because by the time she was old enough to maybe save up for a CD player, headphones and some CDs, it didn't seem worth the effort. The music she hears playing in stores or blasting from a passing car's open window is nothing but background noise to her. Besides, she wouldn't have known where to start anyway.

"Would you want to try changing that?" Eren sounds tentative as if he wants to avoid being pushy while still trying to convince her to do it. "At least give it a shot."

Annie holds back a sigh. This unwanted conversation has taken an unpredictable turn. At this point she feels like she should just get it over with and listen to his damn song. It's just a couple of minutes and then she can tell him that she isn't interested in any further audio samples and maybe he'll leave her alone for good. "Whatever."

"Okay…" To her surprise Eren puts away his phone, but if he misinterpreted her response as a no and can actually take it she isn't going to clear up the misunderstanding. "I'll have to give this some thought before I pick the songs to introduce you to first."

"What was that?" Now this sounds like the exact opposite of what Annie wanted.

Eren gives her a smile. "I can't start you off on just anything. What if you don't like it and then I get stressed and forget all the other good songs I could show you instead? I wouldn't want that to happen."

Annie wants to tell him him not to bother but she's speechless. He's getting carried away with the idea and his dedication is impressive as much as his persistence is annoying. She tries to think of a witty remark to shut him down, but maybe she's too hung up on wanting to be clever about it that she doesn't get to turn him down at all.

"Give me…a day or two and I should have a nice selection prepared for you," Eren announces and somehow that is what he finally takes as his cue to leave her to it — after the damage is already done.

Bewildered, Annie can only stare after him as he returns to his own seat. Crap.

Suggesting that it may take him two days must have been an attempt to seem casual, because Eren has a giddy air about him when he catches up with Annie during lunch break the next day. She hoped to avoid this by hiding away from him once the morning lessons end, but he seems to have just waited for this moment and his long legs give him an edge over her unless she wanted to make her escape attempt obvious and started running.

"Hey Annie, are you free?" Eren greets her, though it seems more of a formality because he answers his own question in her stead. "Well, from what I can tell you're always free during breaks."

Though he's right, Annie doesn't like the idea of him making assumptions about her. "Actually, I was just about to sneak off for a smoke in the girl's bathroom."

"Yeah, right." Eren snorts. "As if you'd be dumb enough to do that in the bathroom when there are more suitable places for it."

Damn, he's better than she thought.

Before Annie can come up with another story to put him off, Eren holds up his phone and announces: "I think I have a good selection from various genres for you to find at least one song you like."

Annie looks away, wondering how she got herself in this mess. Her eyes land on Mikasa who is standing next to the classroom door and glaring at her. Though they had some minor clashes during a few matches in PE lessons, she didn't think Mikasa's dislike for her was this bad. Though she's getting the feeling that it might be related to Eren talking to her. There are some rumours she couldn't avoid hearing about…

"Let's go," Eren declares, unaware of their witness and grabs Annie's hand.

She didn't expect him to be this forward so she gets dragged along for a couple of steps before she starts to resist. His strength and obliviousness make it difficult for her to slip her hand out of his grip, so when telling him to let her go doesn't do the trick, she decides to fall back on more drastic measures. Taking advantage of him having his guard down, she starts twisting his arm until he stops in his tracks and releases her hand.

"Ouch!" Eren rubs his arm and gives her a shocked look. "Damn, Annie, what was that for?"

"I told you to let me go," Annie informs him, unfazed by his pain.

He averts his eyes with a sigh, his hand coming to rest on his upper arm. "Sorry, I got carried away. I won't do it again."

That surprises Annie. She figured he'd be more standoffish and make an argument about how her measures were uncalled for, but he just accepts it. It's hard for her to tell if he has less backbone than she thought or if this is his way of acknowledging that he overstepped her boundaries. In case of the former she would be disappointed, in case of the latter she would be appeased and maybe a little impressed.

As it stands she doesn't know how to react so she considers to just walk away. Yet when she turns around debating her options, she realises they still can be seen from the classroom and Mikasa is now regarding her with open hostility. Suddenly she's looking forward to returning for afternoon classes even less than usual.

Heading back in that direction is out of the question now so Annie faces Eren and remarks: "Looks like your girlfriend officially hates me."

She makes it sound as if the thought didn't unsettle her at least a little. Mikasa may be a grade A student, but that doesn't mean she's beyond giving Annie a hard time. If her spikes are anything to go by she's a heavy hitter and Annie would prefer to avoid a confrontation.

"My what now?"

Not wanting to draw Eren's attention towards the classroom in a way that could be noticed, Annie decides it's simpler to just spell it out for him: "I mean Mikasa."

"She's my sister," Eren corrects and if the disgusted look on his face is anything to go by, he doesn't like her suggestion at all.

Annie doesn't drop the topic nor does she apologise. It may be petty of her, but she still hasn't given up on trying to get him to leave her be. If she makes him regret associating with her in the first place he might move on from this silly idea of getting her to listen to music. So what if it hurts him a little or she ends up offending him? It's a price she's willing to pay. "Didn't you hear the rumour about the two step siblings in our grade who are dating? It's all over the school."

Without waiting for a reply, Annie starts walking. At this point she doesn't care she's walking in the same direction in which Eren originally dragged her and that it might come off as if she's complying with his plans. She doesn't want to give people anymore reason to stare than they already are, she doesn't want to make a scene out of this. If she's moving the odds of someone listening in are at least lower.

Once again, Eren has no difficulty catching up with her. While matching her pace with ease, he clarifies: "First, Mikasa is adopted; second, I didn't think you'd care about stuff like that."

"If I had my way I never would've heard about it, trust me, but it's hard to blend out when Hitch is gossiping in the seat next to me."

The fact that he doesn't outright deny it is curious to Annie and yet she doesn't comment on it. Something about dredging up this whole rumour business doesn't sit right with her and the longer it stays a topic the less willing she is to use it for her agenda to get rid of him.

"Still your choice if you believe everything you hear," Eren points out and he has her there. The thing is that she doesn't believe it — she knows better than to buy into unfounded gossip making its rounds. He could leave it at that and she would drop the topic, because she feels bad already for bringing it up, but it he has to up the ante. "I, for my part, don't believe that Willy Tybur was just minding his own business when you decided to break his arm."

That's it, the nail in her coffin, Annie lost this fight. No one doubted Willy's statement and all her father wanted to know about the matter was how she handled herself. As if her using the skills he taught her to defend herself was all that mattered, as if it was irrelevant that she shouldn't have needed to defend herself in the first place. Yet here is Eren, a boy she's been in a class with for maybe three weeks who is turning out to be obnoxiously persistent about talking to her and didn't even know her at the time — and despite the official account of the incident he doubts that she acted without good cause.

Annie doesn't know how to respond. A lump is forming in her throat. It reminds her of all the reprimanding and stigma she endured in silence to appear as if it didn't matter to her and now there's someone who believes in her. She isn't used to such kindness, yet breaking out of her stoic character now might have greater consequences than she can anticipate — she won't risk it. She's bearing a heavy burden and she didn't ask for help, so she can offer no gratitude.

"Why does Mikasa cling to you then?" To distract herself from her inner turmoil, Annie brings up a question that fits the topic at hand. The way Mikasa sticks around Eren whenever possible was was one of the first things she noticed while observing her new classmates. It struck her as unusual and she couldn't help but wonder about it.

"She's protective," Eren admits. "She lost her parents in a horrible way and— It's complicated."

That's not the kind of explanation Annie would have expected — it's not much of an explanation at all — but she isn't going to pry. Her individual issues with Mikasa aside, this sounds like the kind of personal matter she has neither a right to know about nor is it her place to judge. Eren already told her more than he should have.

"Alright," Annie offers and with that the topic is done for good.

There's a sense of awkwardness in the silence that unfolds between them — or maybe Annie is just imagining things. She let herself get dragged into a verbal exchange with Eren thrice by now and it feels weird when there is nothing to say. She can hurl cutting or abrasive remarks at him, but when she doesn't have that she realises she doesn't know how to be around him.

As they're strolling across the schoolyard Annie finds herself scanning it for a quiet spot where they can listen to music without getting disturbed. She resigned herself to that fate somewhere between trying to get rid of him and backing off on the topic of Mikasa. Eren is one step ahead of her however, because he guides her around a few corners to one of the most remote areas of the school grounds. The irony of cigarette buds being scattered on the ground from the students who are daring enough to come here for a smoke isn't lost on her.

"Do you really smoke?" Eren asks as he brushes off one of the benches standing around — a symbolic gesture considering that the wood is showing the first signs of decay and small patches of moss are growing here and there. Having little concern about dirtying her pants, Annie follows suit as he takes a seat.

"No," she answers honestly. "But I have an image to maintain."

"What? You like being considered a delinquent?"

"It keeps people away which suits me just fine." That's only half the truth but she told him too much already.

"It doesn't suit you, you're far too sincere for it," Eren notes as he's pulling his phone out of his pocket and places it on his thigh.

Annie doesn't like how he acts as if he knows her. "You sure have a high opinion of me for no fucking reason."

"I wouldn't say it's for no reason," he counters while trying to untangle the cable of his headphones. The annoyed glare she shoots him is lost on him.

"Keep telling yourself that if you want but don't blame me if you end up disappointed," she notes in a dismissive tone, doing her best to hold in her anger. She hates it when people act like they have her all figured out — especially if it's after such a short time. To distract from the feelings swelling inside of her she changes the topic. "Now what about that music? We don't have all day."

"Here you go." Eren presents Annie with one earbud and a smile. She nearly rips it out of his hand and then berates herself for it because it infringes on the impassive facade she's trying to project.

Considering how rarely Annie slips up like that, the frequency of it happened over the past three days is concerning. The suspicion is forming in the back of her head that it has something to do with Eren specifically, but she's pushing it aside for now. She cannot afford to start pondering the effect he may have on her while she's with him. Terrible timing.

Luckily for her, Eren is eager to jump into things. He starts out with something mellow Annie is sure she heard in passing before, but soon dives into the guitar heavier sounds once he's made sure that she doesn't mind it. Out of a sense of pride, she's reserved about giving feedback, but she finds herself liking the music far more than she would have expected.

Before each track Eren gives a little introduction for it by sharing something about the artist, the release, or what he likes about it. Annie isn't particularly interested in all the exposition and the artist and song names don't stick with her, but she finds herself listening to him regardless. It gives the whole thing a bit of a personal touch and she can appreciate that (though she would never admit it).

Yet after a few songs Eren still hasn't mentioned the track that started this all. Annie expected him to bring it up by now, so she asks: "What about the song you wanted to show me the other day?"

"Oh that." Eren begins navigating the music player on his phone. "It's something I discovered recently. Just figured I'd give you some time before we got to it."

"Don't hold back now, you brought it up so you're obliged to show me."

"Alright, I'll play it to you."

Eren seems to have found it, because his thumb comes to a rest. However he doesn't press start yet, since he doesn't like talking over the music — that much Annie has picked up on by now. "The song is called Breaking The Habit and is originally by the band Linkin Park, but I wanted to show you the cover version by Affiance; I found it's good to vent some frustration."

Once again Annie doesn't point out that she's going to keep exactly none of those names, but just waits quietly for him to play the song. As the music sets in she realises that this is the most personal thing he shared with her up until now, not because of the track in particular — she wouldn't go as far as to read anything into the lyrics — but because he hinted at having the need to release some negative feelings.

They way she sees him interact with others and smile a lot, Annie considered him to be carefree and easygoing with his temperament sometimes getting the better of him. Yet she may have misjudged the difficulty of his life. She doesn't show her troubles to the world either, maybe they have just different ways of hiding these things.

Annie makes a mental note of it and focuses on the song. From what she can tell, the lyrics tend to be as important to Eren as the music itself, though she hasn't quite figured out the pattern yet. As she listens to words being sung she isn't sure how close they hit home for him. But in general she can see what he meant about the track being good for venting frustration. She wonders what else there is to him which she would never have suspected until hearing him talk about his favourite music.

Once her curiosity is woken, Annie finds herself willing to spend more time with Eren. It becomes a habit for him to approach her with new tracks to listen to and for her to go along with it. He will tell her about how or when he discovered it and she will take it all in — it's part of the ritual. When she likes a song in particular she will let him know and he will introduce her to more of the same artist. That's how they end up listening to most of the discography of Arctic Monkeys and Foals (both names she commits to memory due to the increased exposure).

As far as Annie is concerned, things can stay like this. She finds herself enjoying the company more than she initially thought, but there's also no forced commitment or pressure for her to lay herself bare. Most of the time they talk about music and whatever else comes up is only as personal as she allows it to become. She doesn't have to talk about her father and how she feels so stuck in this hellhole of a town. Neither does Eren share much beyond little anecdotes related to some songs and though she is intrigued to see more of what's beneath the surface it isn't like her to pry.

But a couple of weeks into their arrangement, Eren changes up the game by inviting Annie over to his home. He says he bought a new CD he wants to play to her and though he cannot give her a proper answer to why he doesn't just load it onto his phone like all the other music he shares with her, she ends up agreeing. She isn't sure why she did and she has two whole days to ponder it. By the time Eren picks her up after work the next Friday she still doesn't have her answer however.

The area Eren lives in seems less cramped than Annie's neighbourhood, the two story houses lining the road creating a different atmosphere from the rundown tenement blocks she is used to. When she realises that his family seems to be able to afford their own house a sense of intimidation creeps up on her. It's like she doesn't belong in a place where families might interact in a different way from what she's used to from her father. She isn't prepared. What if Eren's parents are the type that want to meet whomever he brings home with him? It didn't occur to Annie before so she didn't ask, but now she's getting worried and a little nervous.

While Eren digs for the key in his bag, Annie remains a few feet away from the door. As if he could guess her concerns, Eren looks over his shoulder and notes: "I don't think anyone's home. Mikasa should be at therapy and my dad is abroad."

"What about your mum?" Annie asks and strolls closer. Knowing that she doesn't risk running into Eren's adoptive sister is already a load off her chest since she's still on Mikasa's bad side.

Eren has found his keys and unlocks the door. "Hasn't been around in years."

The way he says it Annie isn't sure if his mother is dead or just left them. She doesn't dare to ask. "Oh. I'm sorry."

"Yeah...don't worry about it," Eren tells her as he pushes the door open. Though he's facing away from her, she catches a glimpse of the grimace on his face as he turns on the light inside. By the time he steps back and holds the door open, he has already caught himself however and gives her a smile. "So anyway, we've got the whole place to ourselves."

Following a spontaneous inspiration, Annie tilts her head at him. "Isn't that when all the indecent stuff happens?"

"What?" Eren looks perplexed, either because he doesn't catch her drift or because what she's suggesting never occurred to him.

As she walks up to the door she suppresses a smile. "At least that's what my grandma always told me."

"Well, I don't know about your grandma, but I think you can handle yourself either way," he comments and lets her cross the threshold and walk past him into the hallway.

"And here I was worried you didn't get what I meant."

"Of course I got what you meant, but— it was never my intention—" Eren shuts the door and turns towards her. He seems a little flustered. "Did you...expect it to turn out like that?"

The idea seems to have thrown him off balance and Annie feels a little sorry she brought it up. But his reaction is way more amusing than expected and she cannot hold in a soft laugh. "I was just teasing, no need to stumble all over your words."

Eren stares at her, dumbstruck. It makes Annie worry that she may have crossed a line or something. Becoming unsure about her joke and also a little self-conscious from being blatantly looked at, she prompts him: "What?"

"You...laughed."

"Yeah, so?"

"It's just—" Eren shakes his head as if he has to pull himself out of a stupor— "I've never seen you do that."

"And you'll never see it again if you're gonna make such a big deal out of it."

"Sorry. It was just...unexpected. And nice."

"Will you shut up already?" Annie glares at him.

Though he looks as if he's about to say more, Eren closes his mouth and complies. He moves past her through the hallway — which is smaller than Annie would have guessed from the outside — and gets onto the stairs, signalling her to follow him. Since he doesn't take off his shoes or jacket, she doesn't bother either though it makes her feel rude.

As she walks after Eren down the hallway of the second floor, Annie notices all but one door standing open. It seems odd to her, considering that it's almost winter. Her father is strict about keeping all doors in the flat closed so the warmth from the rooms won't escape into the cold hallway and drive up the bills. But maybe Eren's family is rich enough to not worry about saving heating costs.

Eren's room is at the end of the hallway and looks like something that Annie would describe as organised chaos: worn clothes are piling up on a chair, messily folded laundry takes up most of the space on a small couch, and the shelves are cluttered with things she doesn't bother to identify. It's like everything has its place but isn't put there in an orderly fashion.

"You can sit on the bed," Eren offers and throws his coat on top of the chair that's already overflowing with clothes. He holds out his hand in her direction and Annie takes it as her cue to slip out of her own jacket and hand it over to him. As expected he puts it on top of the pile.

Not used to wearing street shoes in the bedroom and thus feeling bad about it, Annie takes off her sneakers and leaves them standing at the foot of the bed. Once again she notices Eren's eyes on her and she shoots him a dark look to make him stop.

"You've got better manners than you let on," Eren points out, though he still averts his gaze.

Annie leaves it uncommented. By now she knows she cannot stop him from taking in her supposedly good qualities. It's like he made it his task to take note whenever she does something that doesn't fit into her image as a delinquent. She has given up on trying to contradict him.

As suggested, Annie sits down on the bed and waits for Eren to turn on the stereo — because of course he has one of those — and put in the CD.

"I discovered this band recently and they make really nice music," he explains and picks up the remote control from the shelf. Then he takes off his boots and leaves them lying on the floor by his desk before he comes over to the bed and lets himself drop onto the mattress beside her. Only then does he bother to press play as if it was impossible for him to do all those little things while the first song was already on.

Annie is a little surprised that this is all the introduction she gets. After all Eren had her come over to his place just to listen to it — she expected things to be a little grander. But as the first tunes can be heard she realises that maybe this isn't the kind of music that needs a lot of exposition. It's mellow and relaxing and seems to speak for itself.

Beside her, Eren has draped his arm over his eyes as if covering his own field of vision helped him hear better. It occurs to Annie that this is the first time they're hanging out together that he isn't paying her at least some degree of attention. For once it's her who gets to have a closer look at him.

Annie lies down next to him, because the music sounds like it's best enjoyed that way and because it allows her to better take Eren in. The upper half of his face is hidden from her view by his hand, but what she can make out of his features appears unusually soft. It's different from when his lips curve upwards in a smile or he frowns when deep in thought. Instead it's almost as if he's asleep and leaving himself completely unguarded.

It feels strange and intimate. Annie isn't sure whether Eren would be bothered if he noticed she was watching him or whether he wouldn't care. Yet she cannot shake the thought that she's being intrusive simply because she wouldn't want anyone to look at her like this either. So she averts her eyes and tries to focus on the music.

Judging by the lyrics, the first few tracks could be considered love songs, though maybe not in the typical sense. The word "love" isn't dropped once, but Annie knows there are other ways to get the message across. She isn't sure how she feels about the topic, but the sound sure sets the mood for lying on the bed in a dimly lit room while it's dark outside. She just wishes she wasn't hyper-aware of Eren's presence, because for some reasons it's putting her on edge.

"This is the first single," Eren notes at the beginning of the fourth track and Annie is surprised that he would talk over the music. "I heard it on the radio and then decided to buy the whole album."

When Annie rolls onto her side to better look at him, she finds that he has taken his hand from his eyes and is facing her. She thinks she should pay particular attention to this song since Eren commented on it, but she cannot. There's a question that was forming inside of her mind ever since he asked her to come to his house and it has only become more pressing since she arrived. "Why did you ask me to come over for this."

"I don't know." Eren shrugs, the movement a little obstructed from lying on his back. "You know those stories from the last century where the characters listen to LPs together in a bedroom? I kinda wanted to do that for once."

Annie is familiar with the concept, she came across it in a book or two. Still, it feels like such a random reason to her — she doesn't know if she should be disappointed or relieved. After all it means that he could have asked anyone and this isn't about her. She isn't anyone special to him and she doesn't understand why a part of her wanted to be when attachment is something she always dreaded because of the expectations tied to it. Talk about being illogical.

"Besides," Eren adds, "I wanted us to discover something together."

There's a dull feeling in her stomach and for a moment Annie's brain blanks. The part of her that wanted this to have some kind of meaning rejoices, the rest of her seems to sink into some kind of muted panic. She isn't sure what to make of this — and less so of her reaction. It's uncharacteristic for her.

On the outside she continues to uphold the calm front, though she cannot take her eyes off of Eren. She wonders if her staring is becoming obvious, though he's holding her gaze just as consequently. It's like they entered some kind of contest: whoever is the first to look away loses.

"You're strange," Annie notes to dispel the tension she feels rising inside of her. "I don't know what to make of you."

That last part got away from her without her wanting to say it. It seems like too much of an admission and she's glad when Eren doesn't address it.

"Strange, huh?" A thoughtful expression spreads across his face and his eyes trail away from her. "Never had anyone call me that before."

For the second time tonight Annie worries that she crossed a line. Words can be hurtful and she's far from the best person when it comes to using them. But while in general she doesn't care how what she says affects other people, this time she does. With Eren it's different in so many ways — because she spent time with him and he turned out to have way more to offer than a few obnoxious comments —  so she wants to apologise, but for some reason her tongue is tied.

"Still, it might be closer to the truth than anything else people concluded about me," Eren muses and Annie knows even less what to say now. Is he hurt or is he unaffected — she cannot figure it out.

Eren rolls onto his side and now they're face to face, less than an arm length apart. He seems so much closer than before. "Why did you choose to be on the outside, Annie?"

"What?" The question came out of the blue, leaving Annie perplexed. She cannot tell what he's getting at.

"I'm hanging out with people and fit in just fine, they think I'm just like them but—" Eren breaks off and his eyes fall onto pattern on the duvet which he starts tracing with his finger. "Something always feels a little off, like I'm just a bit out of sync with the world around me. There's so much I don't share, because I think that they won't get it. Not even Mikasa gets it and we're supposed to be in this together."

Annie looks at him, stunned. There is the revelation she has been waiting for, a part of Eren that she was curious about peeking through the cracks of his carefree facade. It's not what she expected — though she didn't know what to expect at all — and now that it's coming out into the open, she isn't sure how to respond. There's definitely some context she's missing, but it feels too intrusive to ask.

"I'm just wondering if you made the better decision by staying on the sidelines," Eren continues and looks over to her again, his eyes drawing her in like they're emitting some kind of magnetic force. "I'm wondering if it's more honest."

"It's not," Annie retorts and rolls onto her back. She needs to break away from the pull she feels towards him. "What I'm doing isn't about honesty."

"But maybe about being true to yourself."

"You're making assumptions again."

"That's all you're leaving me with, because you show so little of yourself."

"That's the idea." Annie sits up. She is tired of lying around and her hair is bothering her, so she undoes the bun on the back of her head to retie it.

"There ain't no way to know me…," Eren mumbles and she doesn't want to give him the pleasure of responding. But she also wants to know what he's on about, so she shoots him a questioning look as she brushes through blonde tresses with her fingers. "It's a line from a Mando Diao song. You reminded me of it."

"Mando...Diao? What does that mean?" Annie questions, glossing over the fact that he just hit the nail on the head with a hammer and got so close to driving it in.

"It doesn't mean anything, just some made up words from a dream of one of the band members I think." Eren pushes himself up into a sitting position. He sounds tired all of a sudden — or maybe resigned. "I'll play them to you another time, you might like them."

Annie finishes tying up her hair and regards him for a while, the way he's hunched over and leaves his shoulders hanging. "Are you disappointed?"

"No?" Eren drags out the word, but that only makes it less convincing. "I get it, there are things about yourself you don't want others to see — a lot of things. I have that, too. I just thought...we were going in a direction where we could maybe open up to each other a little.

"So you are disappointed."

"Maybe a little?"

Annie sighs. This is what she's been fearing and — up until now — successfully avoiding. She should have known better than to let it come this far. She should have said no when Eren invited her over — even sooner, she should never have let Eren playing music to her become a habit. Yet didn't she, too, grow curious about him the way he's interested in her?

She got her wish — whether she wants to admit it or not — but she's aware that it takes two to build mutual trust. How can she expect Eren to open up when she isn't willing to do the same? She knows it and yet— The reality of revealing these parts of herself that she kept well hidden for so long is frightening.

"It's...not so simple," Annie admits and pulls her legs closer.

"I know." Eren ruffles his hair. "Sorry for pressuring you. ...I guess I just want us to be friends."

Friends. Annie never thought of them along the lines of that term. But then again she didn't think much about the type of relationship they were building and it's coming back to bite her. She tries to instigate a compromise without having to commit too much. "We're hanging out, isn't that what friends do?"

"I mean real friends," Eren clarifies. "The kind that share personal things with each other like—"

He breaks off, appearing to draw a blank when trying to think of an example, so Annie does him the courtesy of filling in: "...like how we feel that we don't really fit in with everyone else."

"For example," Eren confirms. When Annie doesn't respond he adds more tentatively: "We can take it slow."

There's a lot Annie wants to say, like how she doesn't know if she's cut out for forming friendships and how to her the concept of it is filled with so much pressure. It was easier when they were just listening to music without trying to put a label on it. As much as she's growing to like Eren, that's the part that has her worried the most. There's a lot she wants to say, but the words don't make it to her mouth. She doesn't know if it's concern over how he might take it or something else she cannot quite pinpoint.

"And next time I come on too strong you get to punch me," Eren offers and it chases away some of the tension that has taken hold of her. The idea is quite amusing, she even lets a rare smile spread on her lips.

"You know I could hand your ass to you."

"I don't doubt that." Eren chuckles and then holds out his hand to her. "Friends?"

Annie considers his outstretched hand, working to overcome her doubts. When she wraps her fingers around it she still leaves herself some leeway in the agreement by saying: "We'll see how it goes."

Apparently pleased with the outcome, Eren gives a smile and releases his grip. He uses his hands and feet to push himself backwards on the mattress until his back is leaning against the wall. "Seems like we got distracted from the music."

It's true, Annie has no idea for how many songs they talked or how any of them sounded. She regrets having missed out on them, because the beginning of the album sounded really nice, so she decides to do something about it. Leaning over Eren's cocked up legs, she grabs the remote from the pillow and settles down beside him, her back comfortably supported by the wall.

"Guess we have to backtrack a little bit," she suggests and starts pressing the back button in search for the last song she paid attention to.

"Are you sure you have that much time left?" Eren questions with concern.

Annie peeks at her watch and determines that it's 8 o'clock — enough time to wrap this upon even if they listen to the whole CD from the start. "Relax. I have to be home at 10, so we still have one and a half hours, that's plenty."

[topmixtrends]

LELAND BLOOM-MITTWOCH SR., cocaine in his blood and the Torah in his hands, ends his life by jumping off the roof of a Hyatt in Tampa, Florida. It’s 1999. In the moments before he leaps, he believes he sees a hand descend from the sky and call to him. It tells him he is worthy. He asks the hand if Reggie Marshall, the man he believes to be his best friend, who he believes died at the hands of a fellow drug dealer in 1973, was also worthy. The hand says yes, and he jumps. It is a prayerful moment, one that affirms Leland Sr.’s belief that he is doing the right thing. It is also tragic, like all death, but Leland Sr. seems to be at peace. Or, at least, as at peace as someone high on cocaine before noon can be.

It’s a striking beginning, made more so by its place outside of time. Rebekah Frumkin’s The Comedown is not told linearly, but through a string of chapters from the perspectives of interconnected characters from two families, the Bloom-Mittwochs and the Marshalls. A pair of family trees at the beginning of the book represents the two lineages, and each of the 14 chapters comes from someone connected to the aforementioned patriarchs, often either scorned or abandoned by them or by one of their offspring. The chapters cover huge chunks of time, from the respective characters’ births to the book’s fictional present, around 2009.

The trees and the nonlinear nature of the book create ample opportunities for dramatic irony, of which Frumkin, in her debut novel, makes wonderful use. When Leland Sr. is reflecting at the hotel in Tampa, he considers the risks involved with building relationships with other people:

He thought how there was no way to know how long loving someone could last, or whether it was even a good investment to begin with. That’s what kept people watching all those television soap operas. That’s what kept people praying in shul. They wanted to know how the other people and things they loved would turn out — whether they’d be destroyed by them or loved back.

Throughout his life, Leland Sr. did his fair share of loving and destroying, though it’s not always clear whether he sees it that way. He cheats on and then leaves his first wife and child in 1983, and then leaves his second wife a widow and his child fatherless in 1999 when he commits suicide. The woman with whom he cheats is Reggie’s estranged wife, Natasha Marshall. Their affair ends abruptly the day one of her 13-year-old sons catches them together. Even so, those he loved tended to love him back, at least for a time. Mental illness and drug addiction linked reciprocated love and eventual destruction: for Leland, the two could never be mutually exclusive. Despite the fundamental sentiment of Leland’s reflection, there seems to be little uncertainty about the inevitably tragic end to his most beloved relationships.

The exception to this rule is not a fortunate one. Reggie, who Leland Sr. frequently calls his best friend, found him to be a reprehensible character. Outside of their narrow interaction of drug dealer and drug consumer, Reggie wanted nothing to do with him. He was, as Reggie said, a “stupid ass […] the kind of stupid that couldn’t take a hint.” At times, he considered killing him:

He hated him but hurting him would feel like kicking a stray dog. He had a philosophy that the kind of person who deserved to be on the receiving end of a barrel was also the kind of person who’d been on the firing end, and Leland Sr. had never been on the firing end.

This comes first as a depressing surprise. When Leland Sr. describes their relationship, readers trust him implicitly. Every additional mention that undermines it as the book goes forward is a punch to the gut. While Leland Sr. leaves his wives and children, and ultimately humanity altogether, in his heart, he always remains true to Reggie.

This type of dissonance is the biggest return Frumkin draws out of her roving perspectives. Rarely do characters in The Comedown believe themselves to be or in the wrong, but they often are. This is clearest in a pivotal scene that takes place after Leland Sr.’s funeral. Leland Jr. confronts Diedre, his father’s second wife, and demands that she let him go to her home and take back the possessions his father took when he left, which he believes are rightfully his. Diedre, having just lost her husband, is not in a position to fight back: “She agreed to it because he wore an expensive suit and threatened to sue her if she didn’t comply.” She feels alone and scared, because Leland Jr. is trying to make her feel alone and scared. When Leland Jr. reflects on it in his chapter, though, he refers to it as “legal business” and sees his actions as justified. Importantly, his recollections erase the hostile tone that made the interaction especially horrifying the first time around. Parts of the interaction are run back again in Leland Jr.’s wife’s chapter. She sees her husband fall “into aggressive lockstep with Diedre” before he announces that he’ll be following her to her home. Her telling has compassion for her husband and recognizes how this stems from his anger at his father for abandoning him, but she can’t help but be a little horrified by Leland Jr.’s behavior. Nine years later, Diedre’s son Lee Jr. is still haunted by the memory. The event has deeply scarred him. On his 18th birthday, he drunkenly sends an email to Leland Jr. demanding the return of his family’s possessions. His mom is a manager at OfficeMax and they’re scraping by on her hourly wage while Leland Jr., much wealthier, has no real need for the valuables he took. Unsurprisingly, this is unsuccessful.

Frumkin’s technique of replaying scenes from multiple perspectives effectively gives readers a 360-degree view of how something happened. Most importantly, however, it is useful for exploring the totality of how her characters’ actions affect those around them, and how each character lives with it. The scope of The Comedown is such that everyone is in close proximity to a tragedy at all times. Frumkin’s juxtaposition makes it clear that what these characters do to one another in the book is both awful and perfectly human.

¤

The contrast born out of The Comedown’s structure also makes room for Frumkin to explore her characters’ wide-ranging sociopolitical circumstances. The differences are generational, racial, cultural, and economic, and she writes clearly on how their existence and collisions shape the lives of her characters. Aside from the aforementioned email from Lee Jr. to Leland Jr., the most compelling exploration of the tension this can bring about is the lives of Reggie and Natasha Marshall’s twins, Caleb and Aaron.

Aaron works for a real estate development company in Los Angeles while Caleb is a lawyer in their hometown of Cleveland. They’ve both found ways out of the poverty in which they grew up, but they are on divergent paths. Caleb spends his time, according to his brother, “living out his messiah dream as Lawyer for the Poor.” Caleb is only slightly more generous to himself:

The only thing keeping him in the Midwest was inertia. Inertia and what psychotherapists would probably call a savior complex. He wasn’t afraid of admitting to it. Better to be a savior than a sociopath.

The brothers share a similar impulse to ascribe pathology to what seems, on the surface, to be relatively normal moral behavior. This is made more striking by their consideration of Aaron’s job. A colleague is trying to get Aaron to help him purchase public housing complexes in Lynwood. Aaron, at the behest of his wife Netta, an accomplished artist whose work documents the lives of black subjects afflicted with poverty, is attempting to save the public housing and steer the buyer elsewhere. This despite the lingering negative feelings he has toward public complexes from his time living in one. He “hated how it felt living there, how people treated him for living there, how the other people there were always trying to beat him up and rip him off.” Neither brother takes much of a psychological interest in the origin of these feelings. For Aaron, it seems that the trauma of his childhood makes him resistant to doing the thing he knows is right, the thing that’s best for the most people and aligned with his moral position. What Frumkin is illuminating here is the manner in which pursuits that make more money — and Aaron makes a lot of money — are almost always considered more normal despite their destructive social value. That dynamic’s opposite, sacrificing money for a job that is fulfilling in a different way, is just as rational, but because it bucks capitalist logic, it requires an explanation. The fullness with which she approaches each perspective is what makes this possible.

Alongside these conflicts within the characters’ own lives, Frumkin also explores society-level phenomena. The Bloom-Mittwoch family is Jewish and the Marshall family is black, and their similarities and differences are crucial. Leland Sr., a hapless incompetent with a philosophy degree, falls backward into a job because his friend runs a scrap shop. Reggie, a much savvier person, struggling to give his children a better life than his own, finds his way into drug dealing. He’s exceptional at it, though the requisite hazards catch up to him. There’s little ambiguity about how things would have gone if their resources and privileges were flipped.

One of the issues on which the families align is on the subject of law enforcement. Reggie believes “you really [have] to pity anybody stupid enough to believe in the police” while Leland Sr. tells Leland Jr. one night that “there’s actually no such thing as a straight cop. They’re a gang. A violent gang.” Their experiences come from different places. Reggie has dealt with racist police practices his whole life, as a black man and as a drug dealer. Leland Sr. was a hippie at Kent State and saw the progressive armament of enforcers working to squelch protesters until his friends were among those eventually shot and killed. The Comedown also explores how this manifests concretely. Aaron, at 14, routinely finds himself and his friends subjected to baseless frisking.

As the book goes on, Frumkin’s narrators come from further down the family tree, which is a handy means of exposing generational divides and inheritance. Lee Jr. is the youngest family member. He is diagnosed as having bipolar disorder in a significantly less stigmatizing (though still needlessly stigmatizing) world. The illicit drugs are better, which is good and bad. More than this, though, he’s inherited a world where, unlike his father or half-brother, he doesn’t see much of a future for himself. When he begins college in 2009, the economy is in a recession and the future feels clear in its darkness. The structures that propped up the successful people in his family are not there for him, and he does not know what to do. Still, Frumkin also shows the promise ahead. Lee Jr.’s best friend in college, born Edward Jonathan Phillips but called, at different times, Tarzan, Tweety, or New Person, is a gender fluid character with a safe space for exploring and expressing their true self.

The matter-of-fact approach to writing about the complicated web of reasons why people’s lives turn out the way they do is essential to The Comedown’s success. Frumkin is also an accomplished journalist who has written about mental health, sex work, and other areas where the subjects are often mistreated or misunderstood. It shows here. The Comedown’s characters are cruel to one another and themselves for predictable reasons as well as for surprising ones. They are loving to one another and themselves in the same way. At its core, the book is about relationships and the joy and pain they bring. In that realm, and others, it’s a resounding success.

¤

Bradley Babendir is a fiction writer and critic. He has written for the New Republic, The New Inquiry, WBUR’s The ARTery, and elsewhere.

The post Family Matters: On Rebekah Frumkin’s “The Comedown” appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

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