#and find a quiet place to heal & growth with anders and varric after kirkwall

[thedragonagelesbian]

wait i have more for 'what if anders lived' :) cyrus letting him live and not knowing WHY in the moment that he did it. rationalizing it to himself a hundred different ways from, 'is it really right to kill him even if he wanted it?', to 'making him see the consequences and not run away'. but in the end he knows the real reason why: he's sacrificed so much and lost people he loved on the way here that in that single moment, even when he knew what he SHOULD have done... he didnt. even if he was hurt by anders pushing him away. even if death is what anders wanted, even more for it to be at cyrus' hands. the fact that no matter how he tries to rantionalize it, the right thing to do, what he should have done, was give anders that 'mercy'. but. would killing him be worth going through all that pain? again? so just this once, in spite of everything, he was selfish.

i need to go dig a hole somewhere and lie in it and W E E P I----

bc. you're so right. killing anders is still service to someone else. there's no catharsis or even justice there, especially as cyrus spends the rest of his life carrying that guilt and that grief around with him, literally dragging anders' corpse behind him in the form of the broken imperial chantry amulet soldered back together with anders' ashes. the pain of that death is another expectation, another weight he's taken and put on his own shoulders. even as anders tried so hard to absolve him of that blame, by asking in the first place--saying I’d rather it be him than anyone else. He’s the only one I trust to tend to the ashes and i'm glad it's you and This way, it’s my sacrifice, not yours and do you want to pay the price for this? // if it's you--the hurt... continues.

to think that cyrus would refuse that ask... that he would allow himself that selfishness...........................................................

here's the meta thing: when i initially conceived of cyrus' solo worldstate like five years ago, i decided that anders would be dead. cyrus existed as such a vague concept back then, and he was initially a much more traditional lawful good. still wary of/antagonistic toward the chantry, but not one to let its explosion go unpunished. furthermore, that he and anders had ANY relationship beyond the canon friendship did not occur to me.

i went into my first playthrough with cyrus so. so curious to see if i was going to change my mind about that. as i built out his and anders' relationship, i thought maybe....... and then i got to the justice quest. the lying, the manipulation, the guilt-tripping, it hurt cyrus so much.

but cyrus' personal pain has never been much of a motivator or a justification of anything, because he views his own suffering as secondary.

the real, key explanation as his creator for choosing that path for them was that anders asked for it. not super explicitly (at least on the friendship path), but between his dialogue in the last straw & one of his act 3 banters with isabela, it's clear that he thinks he should pay for this with his life. he believes that anyone would be well within their rights to dole out that punishment. and if that's the case, why not ask cyrus to be the one to do it.

cyrus would do anything he asked, because cyrus would do anything for his family, and anders is still his family. and because is there anything sweeter in this world than to be redeemed by his bloody, loving hand?

and cyrus says no.

he has grown so bitter and jaded and harsh at this point, and yet he chooses for a moment to be kind to himself.

and in so doing, as he has so many times before, he extends that kindness once more to someone who has taken advantage of it.

to be burnt and to try again, not out of naivety or foolishness but because he needs this for himself. he needs this to survive.

it's not forgiveness at first, it's not forgiveness for a long while, especially for varric, and even cyrus tells him to leave after sparing him. but it's an open door, and when anders chooses to walk back through it, cyrus can't deny to himself how happy he is to see him again.

and when a seeker of truth hunts them down three years later, varric tells her the version of things that keeps both his loves safe: that the champion of kirkwall killed anders that night.