#and feeling less and less inclined towards making it platable so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[psalmsofpsychosis]

a bit of a sad talk ahead, but

people who say that they just "love talking to other people" might as well just tell me that they have 3 pairs of extra eyes on their buttocks and i'd believe them, like that's how alien the whole experience feels to me. It speaks of a level of inherent... trust in the way you fit into the world, an intrinsic unchallenged belief that not only are you a good listener and in tune with other ordinary and non-ordinary people, but also you are wanted and the way you are and what you believe is valued and cherished enough to be listened to. And that way of thinking is so foreign to me. In the span of my life i have been friends with so few likeminded people that the basis of my socialising isn't an easy relatedness that would result in effortless enjoyment of what other people will tell me, or what i might tell them. To put it in simple terms, before every single interaction my brain puts forth a statement that "noone present is interested in what i think or feel or have to say, noone cares" and i proceed with that deep seated belief, actively override it if i'm feeling okay, or just choose to keep silent sometimes. But overall it adds an edge of... almost hostility to my communication??? And people often like it, but it's not enjoyable easy experience for me. Like, when the simplest talks you have with other people has that undercurrent of separation that you "i'm not wanted and i will talk anyway" your way through it, social interaction becomes a tiring and bitter thing by default, so naturally i talk to people but i dont enjoy like, 85% of my interactions, they feel like a necessary evil if anything.

And like, a lot of people talk with the underlying belief that they're listened to and cared about and recieved well, and it shows. It's amazing to me, even though i dont really understand the assumption, since my own assumption is that i'm not wanted.