#and every time I see someone complain on Twitter or the steam store I get upset because it feels undeserved </3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

youwerenevermeanttofeelalone · 5 years

Photo

Stretching | Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Modern AU

Request(s): can you write a fic about bucky barnes going out on a date with his s/o, but when they get there the waiter is acting a little too friendly and bucky gets mad and make them go home early and teaches his s/o a lesson? & can you do one where ps reader has a lot of one night stands so her mom sets her up with someone to stop her because she’s worried and the person she sets her up with is bucky and they had a ons in the past?

Warnings: jealousy, a hint of possessiveness, smut, unprotected sex (please don’t do this), fluff.

A/N: this is my second smut! Please let me know how good or bad that part is.

Gif credit: @sebastiansource

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Shaken awake quite harshly, you instinctively pulled the covers over your head to keep the light from enhancing your headache. The material was priced off your hands, the air making you shudder as it hit your bare skin.

Your mom scoffed, opening your closet to pick some clothes for you. Throwing them on top of your stomach, she ordered, “take a shower and get dressed. Quickly.”

You dreaded quick showers after a night out and being woken up when you had stayed up late, and when your mom visited unprompted. In fact, you couldn’t find anything positive about the situation you were in.

She had made herself comfortable in the living room, but as you approached her you saw how angry she was. Two steaming cups rested on the center table — that was a bad sign, your mom only overheated beverages when she was truly furious.

As soon as you sat down, she held a piece of paper in your field of vision. You read an unknown phone number and a very familiar name. Lifting your hand to take the paper from your mom’s grasp, you sighed in exasperation as she not only took the paper away from you but ripped it.

“You can’t continue doing this!”

“Did you really come just to chastise me?”

It had always been hard for her to understand you, too worried about how people would perceive you instead of how you perceived yourself. Your mom herself had prejudices against your lifestyle — well, love life, but you were more than happy with it. You finally had control over who you liked and with who you got sexually involved.

“You’re wasting your life and your time,” your mom repeated the same chastising comment she made every time she saw you. “I can’t continue seeing you ruin everything for a few minutes of... carnal pleasure.”

The fact that she didn’t call it sex amused you yet you kept it to yourself. “Mom, we’ve talked about this.”

“And you still don’t understand,” she stated, picking the cup closer to her. “But I have a solution.”

“I’m not joining a covenant,” you reminded her.

Your mom glared at you from behind her cup, swallowing the liquid loudly as she put down the ceramic. “I know someone who would be perfect for you, and it’s not God.” Her tone shifted, “his name is James, he’s very nice, handsome, and hardworking.”

Her giddiness while speaking about this James guy was alarming. Your taste in people had never matched your mom’s, the way she described him was nice, basic in what anyone wanted in a partner, but the dreamy tone of her voice wasn’t encouraging.

“Give me his number and I might call him,” you opted for saying, not wanting to fight over the same thing for the millionth time.

“No need, your cousin and I set you up for a blind date next Friday.” She smirked, very proud of herself.

The covenant sounded better, honestly. Your mom had the tendency of giving people a tame idea of the kind of person you were, the date was set to be a disaster.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

You didn’t give your mom details of the first date. She had arranged for the date to be at a restaurant near your workplace so you didn’t have any excuse to not attend.

Your mom’s adamancy in you finding a partner as quickly as possible bothered you, but the idea of having a formal relationship wasn’t bad at all. It was the only reason why you hadn’t fought her on it, maybe she was right and it was time to at least try and give romance another chance.

The restaurant had been packed, as you had imagined it would be. After you were guided to your table, to where your date was already waiting for you, you had to keep yourself from reacting in shock. James wasn’t only handsome but unforgettable. It had taken you a moment to find a way to greet him, you hadn’t been sure if you wanted him to remember you or not seeing as you hadn’t called him again after a one night stand.

Thankfully, he hadn’t shown signs of recognizing you and both of you introduced yourselves as if it was the first time you had met. You were even more thankful for how easy he was to talk to and be around, the phase of getting to know people was always tedious yet he made it not only easy but enjoyable and fun.

At that moment, a few dates later, you were hearing hin rant about how crazy his best friend was driving him, sat in front of him in a booth at a coffee shop. You usually did some work there when you didn’t want to be alone at home and had told him about it through text — he surprised you by saying he would meet you there and arrived fifteen minutes later or so.

Upon giving you a coffee refill, the waiter placed a slice of cake on the table. “On the house, ma’am,” he said, cheekily smiling at you.

James sighed heavily in front of you. Clearing your throat, you acknowledged the server, “thank you, Benny.”

The waiter bowed, looking straight at your cleavage as he retreated. Your date took a gulp of coffee. Putting the cup down more loudly than he intended, James shifted on his seat.

“Does that happen often? Because It’s the second time today.”

Your brow twitched in confusion, “second time of what?”

“That he flirts with you.”

“Not every person who acts friendly is flirting.”

He lifted both eyebrows, not amused at all. “He stared at your chest.”

“It’s a free country, James,” you teased him, looking at him through your lashes.

Bucky leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table to prop himself. You were sure he was doing it on purpose. His jaw was clenched, eyes boring into yours for a few seconds before he dropped them to your cleavage too.

“You know what? We should leave,” he said suddenly. “It’s a nice night for taking a walk and you need to stretch.”

Wordlessly, you stored your laptop back into its case. He offered his hand for you to hold it. Complying once your coat was on, you felt him intertwine his fingers with yours.

As you walked toward the entrance, Bucky bumped into someone. “Goodbye, Benny, have a good night.”

Keeping yourself from rolling your eyes, you too wished the server a good night.

Bucky was full of shit, the night was cold and humid. The two of you walked a couple of blocks in silence until he tugged on your hand to make you halt your steps. He flagged down a cab, opening the door for you to get in first.

You did so, greeting the driver and giving him directions to get to your building. Bucky placed his hand on your thick thigh, reminding you of how he had done the same the night you met him at that bar but he didn’t say anything, he was very busy looking out of the window.

Traffic was a nightmare so you got bored. Taking your cellphone out, you lost time by scrolling down Twitter. Bucky’s hand squeezed your thigh, sliding up as he got closer.

Locking the device, you acknowledged him. “So much for stretching, huh.”

He huffed a laugh, leaning to kiss your cheek. As his lips dragged against your skin, he spoke, “oh, you’ll stretch. I promise.”

Turning your head to face him, you looked into his eyes. They were intensely on your face, you couldn’t place what it was hiding behind his gaze but it rooted deeply, making the ocean blue of his eyes appear steely.

Forgetting where you were, you pressed your lips to his. Bucky’s hand left your thigh to wrap his arm around you, skipping the chasteness of the other kisses you had shared and holding you as flush to his chest as the position you both were in allowed you.

You weren’t complaining. You ruined his perfectly combed hair as you threaded your fingers through it while kissing him passionately.

With his arm around your waist and fingers drumming against you, he anxiously waited for the elevator to stop at your floor. You were making small talk with your neighbor, sweetly answering their questions about your work, with your own hand on Bucky’s back.

You weren’t done locking the door from the inside when he was again all over you. Peeling off your coat, he quickly worked on undoing your blazer and shirt, finger fumbling as his mouth sucked on your neck.

Bucky buried his face in the exposed section of your breasts, pulling you closer with both arms in order to get rid of your pants. You extended a hand to take his sweater off but he tsked on your skin.

“Hands to yourself, doll,” he commanded, palms softly caressing your ass.

A whine escaped you, “Bucky, please.”

He lifted his face, “now I’m Bucky? Because earlier,” he spoke slowly, taunting you with his voice and touch as his hands now groped. “Earlier I was James. Remember, baby?”

“Your name is James,” you tried to reason with him, desperate to get him naked as soon as possible.

He hummed, “but you called the guy flirting with you by his nickname. I can’t let that one slide.”

Before you could even think about rolling your eyes, he nodded upward. “I’m going to give you the opportunity to decide if you want to take your lesson on the couch or the bed.”

“Bed,” you answered quickly. Damn him and the effect he had on you.

Bucky extended an arm to motion for you to lead the way. Kicking your shoes off, you followed his instructions. He was eager to give you the lesson, so much that he pushed you face down on the bed immediately after entering the bedroom.

Shifting your head to be able to breathe, you waited for him. You could feel him standing behind you, the harshness of his breathing echoing around the room. He pushed your legs open, reminding you, “don’t close them, you need to stretch.”

Fuck. You had an idea of what he had in mind and although you would enjoy it, you didn’t have the patience for it that day.

“I want you to count, okay? If you lose focus, we’ll start over again.”

“Oka—“ you yelped as a spank on your left asscheek interrupted you. “One?”

Bucky kept on going. For the second one, he changed the cheek he hit to your right one. The harshness increased too.

“Two,” you counted, trying to breathe in through your nose. It didn’t hurt, not yet, but you were sure the morning would be tough. However, what truly hurt was the fact that you just wanted him inside you.

By the fifth one, you were desperate to clench your thighs, worried about dripping all over the bed so early.

Bucky took you by the hips, kneeling between your legs. He leaned in, whispering in your ear, “I should’ve remembered you loved getting spanked, shouldn’t I?”

Wide-eyed, you craned your neck to look at his face. “I—“

He angled his face in order to kiss you, making you open your mouth so his tongue could explore it. “Shhh, I know you’ll learn the lesson.”

He slid your underwear to the side, groaning at how wet you were. You whined as his fingers ran up and down your slit. Smirking, he kissed your jaw and without warning introduced a finger into you.

It wasn’t enough but telling him would mean giving him more power to take even more time. You hadn’t thought he’d remember you.

“You want more, right, darling?”

“Yes.”

He gave it to you, surprisingly, fingering you with two fingers now at a quite rapid pace. Clenching around his fingers, you moaned.

Bucky sighed, “who is making you moan like that, baby?”

“You,” you whined. He plunged his fingers more deeply, encouraging you to moan his name. “Bucky — shit!” Your legs had started to shake, the sensation of his long fingers touching the perfect spot and the sound of your slick as his fingers moved in and out only made the room feel hotter.

He withdrew his fingers mere seconds before you could cum.

“What the fuck?” you complained, failing to turn around because of his position between your legs.

“It’s a lesson, (Y/N).”

“I just want you to make me cum, Bucky,” you mirrored his mocking tone.

Bucky stood up. As his weight left the bed you rolled over to be on your back. You tilted your head, allowing yourself to enjoy the show he was unintentionally giving you while taking off his clothes.

Momentarily pressing your thighs together upon noticing the bulge in his tight boxers, you sat up to attempt reaching for him. Bucky stalked toward you, slowly pushing you back down onto the bed.

He gripped the sides of your thighs to part them. Hovering over you, he spoke lowly. “You want me to fuck you, doll?”

You nodded effusively.

“How can I be sure you don’t need the lesson anymore, mmmh?”

You cupped his cheeks, “what if I promise I won’t be too friendly with other guys when they flirt with me?”

Bucky feigned thinking about it. Covering your mouth with his, he slid one of his hands down to your clothed core and rubbed slow circles.

You pushed your hips up in search for more friction. Interrupting the kiss, you exasperatedly spoke, “just fuck me already, babe.”

Pulling on your bottom lip with his teeth, he smirked at you. “I’m gonna make you cum, baby, I promise.”

Bucky threw his boxers to the side, hissing as the cold air hit his hot cock. As he took your underwear off, he looked at you in expectancy of consent. Nodding your head, you shifted to a more comfortable position.

Teasingly, he rubbed the length of his cock against your labia. Your hips spasmed and although it had happened involuntarily, you copied the movement so he’d hurry up. Bucky chuckled, entering you slowly. Bottoming out, he clenched his eyes shut as he inhaled and exhaled deeply.

You took the opportunity he was giving you to get used to his size to crane your neck in order to kiss his throat. Feeling him groan on your mouth, you sucked on his neck as he started moving inside you.

“God, I missed your pussy,” he groaned, propping himself with his forearms at each side of your head to give you easier access to his neck and chest.

Your pussy had missed him too, more than you had ever given it thought. You were extremely attracted to him, at every level, and honestly, he knew how to fuck you just right.

You moaned his name against his skin as his pace got quicker, only encouraging him to get rougher. Bucky shifted his weight onto his right side to grip your face with his left one.

“Tell me you’re mine.” It was a plead instead of a demand, his dilated eyes boring into yours in the most passionate gaze someone had focused on you. At any other moment, you would’ve felt moved and maybe a tiny bit flattered but you were too lost in the pleasure he was giving you.

Wrapping your arms under his armpits to place your hands on his back, you nodded for you weren’t able to speak due to how mushy your brain felt.

“I,” he thrust deeply, “didn’t” another thrust, “hear,” a harsh one that made the bed rock and prompted you to pierce his skin with your nails to hold yourself onto something, “you.”

God, you didn’t know how he could be able to speak right now. To make matters better for your pleasure and worse for your ability to speak, he let your face go and dragged his hand down your torso and toward your clit.

“‘M yours,” you squealed, allowing yourself to close your eyes as he rubbed your clit and pounded into you.

You were sure he could feel how close you were the same way you felt his cock pulsating against your walls. Clenching around him, you kissed him sloppily to keep yourself from being too loud.

He swallowed your moans the same way you swallowed his. “Come for me, doll,” he mumbled between kisses.

Bucky didn’t need to tell you twice, the edging from earlier and the pent up frustration of not having had sex in weeks made the tight knot in your stomach undo slowly although not gently.

You tiredly peppered kisses over his jaw and neck as he pumped a few more times. Bucky let out a strangled call of your name, spilling inside you with his eyes clenched shut and nose scrunched up.

Patting his back, you panted, “I need to pee.”

Bucky rolled off you, breathing heavily as he laid on his back. His cock twitched at the lack of warmth of your pussy while you tried not to make a mess as his come dropped down your legs.

By the time you were out of the bathroom, cleaned up and in search of some sleeping clothes, Bucky had already put his boxers back on.

Watching you get into a pair of panties, he told you, “I brought you a glass of water.”

Sliding a t-shirt on, you turned around. “Thank you.”

Bucky pouted playfully, “it’s not fair for you to wear a t-shirt.”

Shaking your head as you picked the glass up, you took a gulp of water. “I’d tell you to take it off then but I’m tired.”

He waited for you to put the glass down before grabbing you from your robust waist. Pulling you onto the bed, Bucky kissed your face multiple times, holding you close.

“Do you need a massage?”

You shook your head, “you didn’t hurt me, dummy. I’m just tired.”

“Good,” he sighed, loosening his grip around you to let you get as comfortable as needed. “You know I didn’t want to hurt you, right?”

Humming, you turned your body enough to be able to look at his face without hurting your neck as you laid on your side. “Just like you knew I would like it.”

“I would know more if you had called, though.”

“Does that matter?” you genuinely asked. “We’re dating now.”

Bucky’s fingers traced random patterns over your bare thigh. He stayed quiet for a moment. “It doesn’t matter as much anymore, but for me it does. You could be cuddling Benny right now if we weren’t dating, for example.”

“Are you really bringing up a barista I see almost daily right now?”

“He flirted with you knowing you were with your boyfriend! He saw us kissing, (y/n). Wouldn’t you be jealous if it had been the other way?”

You placed your hand on his cheek to leverage yourself in order to kiss him. Bucky kissed back, sliding the hand on your thigh upward toward your ass.

“I wouldn’t cheat on you, love,” you promised, lips still brushing his.

“I know.” Bucky rolled you onto your back and hovering over you, kissed you again.

“Baby,” you interrupted the kiss for a second, “I can’t take a second round right now.”

He hummed, kissing you again, and again, and again. “I just really enjoy kissing you. And that you’re still dating my dumb insecure ass.”

You confessed, trailing your fingers down his spine, “it was hot. But then again, everything you do is hot.”

“I’m trying to learn from you, Miss ‘I look hot while sleeping’.”

Not being able to help it, you giggled. “Good to know you think I’m hot.”

“The hottest,” he clarified.

You completely relaxed your body. Your head fully hit the pillow, palms moving to Bucky’s defined biceps. He laid his head on your chest, closing his eyes as your hands caressed his arms.

Waking up to an empty bed surprised you for the first time in years. You checked your phone in case Bucky had texted an explanation — there was nothing there. You found weird that your boyfriend had left while you slept.

Not wanting to think the worst, you decided to wait for him to call. Maybe he had an emergency, or maybe his phone died... you were determined to remain positive.

Taking your cellphone with you in case he decided to make contact, you walked directly toward the kitchen to make coffee.

A voice made you jump and drop your phone in the process, “I was about to wake you up.”

“For fuck’s sake, James!” you squeaked, bending over to pick up the device and asses the damage.

He tried not to laugh but ultimately failed when a third presence cackled up. Recognizing said laugh, you put the cellphone away.

“Hi, mom! I didn’t know you were here.” You said the second sentence while glaring at your boyfriend.

Bucky immediately defended himself, “you said you were tired.”

You didn’t know what was worse, if he had met your mom before you introduced them or the fact that he had basically said in front of her that he had fucked you so good he tired you out.

Either way, everyone was happy. You finally were dating someone which was what your mom had wanted, your boyfriend was great and a dream come true, and Bucky now felt more sure about your relationship. Also, the sex was great and after your mom left you would probably spend the entire day making out and so much more.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x plus size reader #plus size reader #plus size fanfiction #bucky barnes #james barnes #the winter soldier #marvel x reader #marvel x plus size reader

255 notes · View notes

some-creep · 4 years

Text

SERIOUS and OFFICIAL RE3 Creep Review

Resident Evil 3 Remake is a good and fun game that I have already dedicated more energy into than all of RE2 Remake.

However. We can’t leave it at that so here’s a stupid long post.

First off: This will not include any mention of the freebie multiplayer game bundled in, RE: Resistance, a game that I unfortunately like but also realize it adds absolutely nothing to the purchase of this game itself.

Second: I have no goddamn idea what other people are saying about this game because I haven’t even clicked on the steam store page to see the general review scores. I don’t have twitter, and I refuse to watch reviews. All I know is vague youtube titles I’ve seen in my feed. That’s it.

Third of all: Everything I’ve ever written on here is disjointed and confusing so buckle the fuck up.

Oh. And spoilers.

To start this story we must go back to everyone’s favorite year, 2003, when RE3 released on the Gamecube and I was in third grade. Watching my cousin play it when he stayed over was my first actual experience with the series. And Nemesis was, like, really fucking scary at the time because I was a child. I bring this up because as you all might know, I’m a bit of an obsessed weirdo sometimes. This is where it started for me, so RE3 is kind of a big deal for me personally. Conceptually, this game means kind of a lot to me I guess.

As a “remake”, RE3 does, like, a terrible fucking job at being one of those. This is flat out, just, not a remake. At all. It’s a re-imagining. It would be easier to count the things they included from the original over the things they cut, that’s how different it is. OG RE3 had like. Three environments. And the remake just straight up cuts one of them and slaps a different character in the other. Alright I guess. We don’t see Brad get killed by Nemesis, because that just… doesn’t happen anymore. Jill doesn’t go to the police station… at all even. There’s no missile countdown during the final boss fight which was my favorite part because it was like. I know it was just a glorified timer but it was much scarier to me than the self destruct timer? Idk for some reason the concept of a missile destroying the whole ass city is an idea that genuinely just kind of freaks me out to this day.

This will sounds very hyperbolic but the ending was kind of garbage. Mr. Paul I love my Wife Anderson did a shot for shot recreation of the original ending and I guess I was just expecting something like that instead we got. Not. That. I don’t know if these complaints are valid but they are things I’ve been thinking about a lot. Half that scene straight up just takes place in a map that is just an empty white void. If that after the credits scene wasn’t a possible hint at a Code Veronica remake I will riot. CV is my other favorite game (conceptually. CV itself is a completely fucking unplayable nightmare game).

There’s no helicopter fight. There’s no gravedigger. There’s no giant spiders. There’s one bonus costume. Hell, there frankly isn’t even a lot of Raccoon City at all.

I guess it is short. My first play through was 4ish hours of logged gameplay and 6ish hours of total playtime with cutscenes and nemesis chases which apparently pause the timer since they’re basically QTEs? This doesn’t really bother me like it does other people. I don’t have a lot of free time anymore. Everyone fucking hates that this game is short from what I’ve seen? Idk. (It’s no shorter than RE2. RE2 just seems longer since you can be Leon or Claire but their stories are basically identical. B scenario in RE2 Remake was a fucking joke.)

Buuut… I really, really like this game. Carlos is fine. He’s in this game. I still don’t like him that much but he’s the best of the male sidekicks. Maybe I like him more than Leon. He isn’t offensive or anything I just don’t stan him as hard as everyone on here seems to. Mikhail is way, way better now. Love how he knows who Jill is. Nikolai has… good facial mocap I guess. He’s certainly in the game and is evil and Russian again so no change there. Tyrel is a character who does things and is in scenes. He seems nice. He’s doing his best. And then there’s Jill. Who got the best treatment of anything in this entire game. Not like, physically of course, her ribs are absolutely destroyed and her spine has been snapped several times after all of that shit they put her through in the cutscenes.

I loved, loved, loved the opening. So much. Jill’s apartment. Her nightmares. The fact her life is in shambles. I’ve gushed about this before but I genuinely loved how the game opened. It’s everything I could have asked for and so much more. It’s an idea I’ve toyed w/ before in one of the only finished stories I’ve ever put on AO3 and I’m so glad to see it acknowledged canonically. I just. Ugh. I loved it.

Everything she says is beautiful and perfect and sassy and sometimes angry and it’s just. Good. They let Jill say fuck and she became unstoppable. Also she at least still says the You want S.T.A.R.S. line. It’s way, way, way early, in a scene that makes no sense for it to be in at all. But she says it. And I liked that she said it. I’m easy.

That stupid railgun bullshit at the end?? I was streaming it live and just exclaimed “is this game even real???” because I was just so all about it. We’re all still giggling at “Bitch can’t even swim.”

It’s fun to play as Jill and do sick dodge rolls. I’ve gone through this game four times now, once on each base difficulty and again on Assisted with just the hot-dogger fire knife w/o healing. Sick dodge rolls make the game very easy if you don’t fuck them up. I always fuck them up. But, still. I feel like all the bits are there from RE2 but just better. I intend to go through the game on the other two difficulties. Wish me luck. I am frankly terrified. But I want to do it.

Two of the nemesis fights are just straight up identical though. Which is. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

This game only had two puzzles for reasons I do not understand. The subway puzzle was the hardest of the two. It is the first puzzle in the game. Arguably, it is the only puzzle in the game because it is the only one you have to think about for more than 11 seconds to solve.

When the credits play the new version of Free from Fear I genuinely forget every weird problem I have with this game because it’s just… so good. Once again. I am easy.

This whole thing probably sounds like more complaints than praise for a game I’ve put this much time into, and maybe it is, but it is easier to talk about about something bad about a game than to pinpoint what you liked. And I love to complain as we all know. This is horrible as a remake. It’s great as a follow up to RE2 Remake probably. I think plenty of people already disagree with that. But plenty of people like to just be wrong on the internet.

Speaking of RE2 remake why did Pale Heads return from.. the ghost survivors dlc of all the fucking things. That’s just weird. They were a weird inclusion. Maybe I’m not totally surprised something like that made it over but it’s still… weird. They’re fine as an enemy type. I just ignored them though.

I think that for me it is just enough to have good and fun characters that I enjoy. I just. Like how Jill is written. And honestly, that’s kinda just all I need. It doesn’t really matter to me that this game is something of a horrible amalgamation of vaguely borrowed concepts from the original game. Sure, the RE1 remake is great because it’s mostly completely faithful, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it. Re-imaginings like this can also be good. This one is good. It’s fun.

There are a strange amount of tentacles in this game to the point where I wonder if someone on the dev team just straight up had a fetish. Especially after you get the lockpick. That scene is. Um. Yeah. It’s in the game.

Is that really how I’m going to end this? Talking about the tentacle fetish?

Yeah.

#resident evil #resident evil 3 #re3 #re3 remake #resident evil 3 remake #very little of what i wrote made actual sense #pls @ me so we can fight about it #creep ranks

10 notes · View notes

niallismymuse · 5 years

Text

Chapter 7

For the second time in barely a week, Tessa moped around her apartment for two whole days. It irritated her, but she couldn’t seem to force herself out of the slump; and it sure as hell irritated her new roommate Leah. When she came home after work to find that Tessa hadn’t moved from her spot on the couch, plopped right in the center with a pink blanket draped over her head, Leah finally snapped.

“Girl, what the fuck is going on with you?”

Tessa scrunched her face up, lifting her chin up defiantly. “I’m sulking.”

Leah threw her hands up in the air. “Yeah, I understand that. But why.”

Tessa nestled herself further into the blanket nest she had made on the couch these past two days. She had accumulated quite a few blankets, but this pink one draping over her was by far her favorite. It was the softest and the cuddliest. “I had a bad night the other night.”

“Yeah, I remember, Tessa. You came home from Hamilton and went straight to your room without saying a word, but I could see the mascara streaks. Stop making me pull this out of you and just tell me. As your roommate, I command it.” Leah settled down on the couch beside her, shoving over some blankets to sit more comfortably.

Tessa huffed out a dry laugh; she really had won the lottery with this one. Even though Leah was now harassing her about her problems, she was thankful for her. So, without looking at her, Tessa told her everything, starting with information from months ago to give her the whole story: how Jess had moved out, and she had met Niall at the party Jess and Lyrica threw. How while she and Niall had grown closer, she and Jess had drifted apart. Having a crush on him for the longest time, and all of the shenanigans that had gone on at the cabin, including the nasty words Jess had uttered – and then she caught Leah up with what had happened before and after Hamilton, and how crushed she was because of it.

Leah whistled lowly under her breath. “Well, damn. You’ve had quite the busy new year.” She shot Tessa a reproachful look. “Didn’t I ask you before I moved in if there was any drama happening?”

Tessa shrugged sheepishly. “I was over the situation with Jess when you moved in, almost. The shit with Niall just happened. Technically, I didn’t lie to you.”

Leah chuckled lowly and shook her head. “I guess you’re right. And that’s okay. I don’t mind. I actually like you, so I don’t mind helping you out. Now look at me, Tessa.” Tessa shuffled herself sideways in her blankets to face her, watching as Leah flipped her light brown waves over her shoulder and stared at her directly in the eyes. “Niall is a dick.”

Tessa’s lips parted, and then she frowned. “Well, I don’t really –“

“Shush. He’s a dick. From everything you’ve told me, it sounds like he doesn’t want the drama of being in a relationship with you. He doesn’t want the publicity, because hey, you’ve got it. I was wondering why I saw your name trending briefly on Twitter the other, but I guess it was because you were spotted with him at Hamilton.”

Her brows furrowed together. She hadn’t looked at her phone since she had gotten home from Niall’s; she had tossed it into her dresser, actually, and it had probably died by now. Also, it kind of sucked that she only seemed to trend when she was spotted with Niall, but that was a problem to worry about at a later date.

Leah continued on. “And I don’t know what demons that man has about relationships and publicity, but if he was worth your time, he would have seen that you are totally and completely worth all of that hassle, Tessa. You’re an amazing woman, and not a bad roommate, except when you’re taking up the entire couch with your sadness. Now get your ass up, go take a shower, and come grocery shopping with me.”

Tessa blinked slowly, and then sighed as she sat up and squared her shoulders. “I am Tessa Love Jenkins, and if he doesn’t want to deal with the publicity our relationship would cause, he doesn’t deserve me.”

Leah clapped and nodded her head once in approval. “That’s right, girl.” Then her nose wrinkled up. “But seriously, go take a shower. You stink.”

Tessa genuinely laughed then and shook off all of the blankets before tossing them at Leah, who yelped and shoved them off. “Thanks, Leah. You’re the best.”

“I know, I know,” Leah muttered, dusting herself off before looking up and shooing her away. “Now go shower, I’m hungry. Also, you need to put these blankets in the wash.”

“As long as we get some chocolate cake, I’ll be glad to go,” Tessa called over her shoulder as she padded down the hallway, her bare feet slapping down lightly on the wooden floor. The blankets could wait. She retrieved her phone from her dresser first and plugged it in before going into the bathroom to shower. She caught a whiff of herself as she tugged her tank top off and nearly choked – yeah, Leah was right, she did stink. Going without showering for two days wasn’t good for her BO.

Despite the fact that she knew Leah was impatiently waiting for her to get ready, Tessa took her time. With every scrub of her loofah across her body, she wiped away all of her troubles. As she cleaned herself off, she cleared her mind, and reminded herself that if someone didn’t want her, they didn’t deserve her. And by the time she had finished showering, she felt newly-made.

Of course, it wasn’t that easy. As soon as her mind began to wander once again, she wondered about Niall and all of the reasons why he would lead her on like that. Except this time, she wasn’t sad about it. She was getting properly angry.

“The nerve of that asshole,” Tessa growled as she marched out of her room, dressed and ready to go. She snatched her purse from its spot on the end table by the door and swung open the door. Leah watched her; one eyebrow was raised. “Who does he think he is, acting like that?”

Leah didn’t answer, but she definitely listened as Tessa ranted and raved about all of the injustices Niall had done her. She didn’t list any of the good things – didn’t mention the flowers he had bought her once– because she still felt confused about why he did those things if he was only going to reject her. But it felt good to just actively complain instead of mope around.

Leah didn’t seem to mind; she merely looked bemused as she drove the two of them to the closest Trader Joe’s.

Tessa couldn’t help muttering one last thing as they walked inside, “And you know what? I really liked Hamilton, and now I won’t be able to enjoy it without remembering how my night was ruined.”

Leah chuckled to herself as she grabbed a basket. “We’ll find some other musical for you to enjoy. Now quit whining, let’s get this shopping done.”

Tessa rolled her eyes and huffed. “Aye aye, captain.”

They wandered through the store, picking up groceries. Tessa wanted to cook a nice meal for dinner to cheer herself up, and after debating with Leah for a few minutes on what they wanted, they decided on chicken parmesan, and Tessa would make a chocolate cake from scratch for the dessert. It would be a nice roommate-bonding activity.

And honestly, Tessa felt better once she had gotten out of the apartment. She still felt very bitter about everything that had happened, but she knew she would be okay, and that one day, she would be able to let it go. Today was not that day, and that was fine.

Once they were back at the apartment, Tessa let Leah pull up a recipe to make the parmesan chicken, even though she knew how to make it herself. But she had a chocolate cake to bake, and she couldn’t control everything, so she took a deep breath and began making the batter.

This chocolate cake was going to have crushed M&Ms and Reese’s cups inside of it, a ganache coating on top, and more crushed candy on top of that. It was definitely a ‘getting-over-someone’ sort of cake, and Tessa planned on eating at least two thirds of it herself. It was going to be fucking delicious.

Leah hummed as she breaded and fried the chicken breasts, and as she boiled the thin spaghetti noodles. Tessa resisted watching her every move, let her shoulders slump, and focused on making the best damn cake she could.

And it turned out to be a good time for the two of them. Eventually Leah started humming a song that Tessa actually recognized, so she began to sing along, which gravitated towards a singing competition between the two women as they prepared their specific dishes. With the singing competition came laughter.

Tessa put her cake in the oven after Leah was finished using it, put the oven timer on for roughly twenty minutes (she liked to check after a certain amount of time to figure how much longer it would bake) and then set the table.

Leah grinned as she brought out the nice platter Tessa had dug out, full of food. She set it down – on it were six chicken filets, fried and covered in sauce and cheese. In bowls beside it were the spaghetti noodles and steamed vegetables. Tessa picked out two nice wine glasses and popped a bottle, setting it on the table between their spots.

It was a meal to be proud of.

Tessa served herself and took a bite. “This is really good, Leah!”

Leah snorted as she mashed her noodles lightly with her fork. “You don’t need to sound that impressed.”

Laughing, Tessa poured herself a quarter glass of wine. “Take it as a compliment.”

Leah stuck her tongue out, and the evening carried on quite nicely. The dinner was delicious, and once the cake was cooled and the ganache was poured over it along with the candy, they had dessert. Tessa and Leah talked and laughed, drank wine and ate cake, and got more than a little tipsy. It was the happiest she had felt in a long time, and throughout the entire event, she didn’t think of Niall once.

Everything was going to be just fine.

✩✩✩

Or at least, Tessa sure hoped so. As time went on, she tried her hardest to move on and to get out of the apartment more, away from work. It was hard sometimes – she had always felt very strongly that if she wasn’t working on improving her channel in some way, whether it was planning out new videos, recording or editing, she wasn’t working hard enough.

But she had lost a bit of that, since Niall. She had always been willing to put work aside for him; now she needed to put work aside for her.

It worked in a rather funny way, because she both didn’t work as hard and worked much harder. On one hand, she did try and leave the apartment more often. That led to her running into more fans, which was awesome. She never minded that. On the other, when she was working on her channel, she focused wholeheartedly on it. Her brain was firing out new video ideas left and right, and it was all she could do to write them down and focus on what she was currently working on.

Not only that, but she found out that she could go to VidCon this coming summer. It would be announced later on in the year, but she had to come up with a piece for her set. Tessa wasn’t even sure exactly what she was going to end up doing – most likely a panel and a meet and greet, since she wasn’t quite big enough to have something more complicated.

Yet that wasn’t all, either. Tessa had decided she wanted to put on a charity livestream and raise money for an organization a while ago, but now she was making sure it would be happening. Everything needed to be done for that still, including what would happen during the livestream and, oh yeah, what organization she wanted to donate to. Definitely one related to the oceans and oceanic support. Maybe she would check into what organizations David Attenborough contributed to or supported.

Leah had said that she would take that day off and help her record – Tessa thought she might do a cooking portion and show off her all-time favorite recipe, and obviously she would need help filming that. She would just need to teach Leah how to use the camera properly, maybe go over some fake shoots to help her learn.

It was a lot. In fact, Tessa was surprised she could even sleep at night, her brain was so full of activity. But it helped her move on – she had less time to dwell on the past, and with that came a sense of peace with what had occurred. She wasn’t thrilled with what had happened, but she could accept that it did.

Not that she didn’t occasionally think of Niall. In the beginning, that was all Tessa really did. She thought about him all the time and wondered if he thought about her. She even stalked his social media feed to see if she could perceive any hidden messages, but of course she couldn’t. That was ridiculous, and that half-hidden hope is what finally convinced her to leave it be.

Now she still followed him on Twitter and Instagram – because everyone would notice if she suddenly didn’t, and she was too tired for that drama – and occasionally saw his tweets or posts there. Tessa didn’t reach out, and neither did Niall.

It was fine. Everything was fine.

One late afternoon, Tessa was sat at the dining room table, typing away on her personal laptop. She used the desktop in her room to upload and edit videos, since the storage amount was much higher. This laptop was for travelling purposes and occasionally for typing scripts, if she didn’t feel like sitting at the desk in her room. As bright and cheerful as she tried to make her personal space be, it could get kind of gloomy sitting in there all the time.

Tessa propped her legs up on the chair opposite hers and sighed. Watery sunlight filtered in through the light blue curtains that adorned the windows in the living room. It was a little chilly inside – it was early February, so the air still had a bite to it in LA most days, but it heated up enough in the middle of the day to keep the AC on.

Leah was working and closing tonight, so she wouldn’t be home until after midnight since her Starbucks closed at 11. Tessa had gotten used to Leah’s schedule; she already planned to put some leftovers from dinner on a plate and stick it in the fridge, so Leah could eat when she got home.

The TV wasn’t on. There was nothing but silence and the occasional clacking of her typing. The lack of noise irked her for some reason. Normally the TV was on, or Leah was lounging on the couch and complaining about her coworkers. But Leah wasn’t home, and she didn’t feel like listening to the idle chatter of the television. Maybe she should call her mother and listen to her chatter for background noise. That would fill up the apartment for sure.

Tessa sighed once more and frowned at her laptop, and at the script in front of her. Her brows furrowed. The script didn’t seem right. It was supposed to be about college and some of her own experiences, but nothing was clicking in her brain – maybe this idea was a dud. It happened. But she couldn’t seem to let it go, so she forced herself to keep typing, even though she was convinced that the more she typed, the more gibberish appeared on the page.

Someone knocked on the door. It was a light, timid sound, almost as if the hand that made it didn’t want to be knocking.

Lifting her eyebrow, Tessa stood up and shut her laptop. No one was supposed to come over today, and Leah would have texted if she had gotten off early. That and she had her own key. So, who was at the door?

Hope had her heart thumping just a bit faster. Maybe it was Niall, come to apologize and beg for forgiveness.

That was a ridiculous thought, but Tessa kept it close as she meandered over to the door and swung it open.

It was Jess.

That hoped swelled and burst like a popped balloon, deflating faster than it had any business to. “Oh,” Tessa said, disappointment coloring her voice, “it’s you.”

The words were harsh, and she didn’t apologize for them, though Jess did wince. “Ouch,” she replied, voice soft, but it was obvious she knew that she deserved it by the way she didn’t bite back. In fact, Jess looked awful – her eyes were tinged red and swollen, as if she had been crying. Her lips were chapped and pouted, and her normally perfectly-styled brunette waves were greasy and held up in a messy bun. “Um. Hi.”

Tessa leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel with her ex-best friend standing in front of her, but she felt a lot of nothing currently. “Hi.”

Jess wrung her hands together, fingers twisting and interlocking before pulling apart and starting over again. “Um. Lyr and I have been fighting lately, and I just…I couldn’t stay at the apartment. I needed to get out. But I had nowhere to go, and…”

“And so, you came running back to me,” Tessa finished icily for her, ignoring the look Jess gave her, a mix of reproach and sorrow.

“I guess I did. I know we’re not on the best of terms, but I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days, in my old room.” Jess looked up through her lashes at her, and for the first time since Jess had arrived, Tessa felt a spark of anger.

“Well, Jess, your old room is currently not available. I have a new roommate, Leah.” Tessa told her and felt a bitter satisfaction at how crushed she looked. Had she been hoping that Tessa would just keep that room empty, in case she came back? That was shitty. But the more she looked down at the pathetic form of her old friend, the more pity she felt. “But you can come inside for a while.”

Without another word, Tessa stalked inside, not even caring to see if Jess followed. She could hear her tentative footsteps well enough to know that she had. Tessa snatched her laptop from the dining room table and headed towards her bedroom, pausing long enough to mutter, “make yourself at home,” over her shoulder before closing her door behind her.

Tessa exhaled sharply and sat down hard on the floor, right by the door she had just definitely shut. This was too much. Nausea swirled in her stomach. Barely twenty feet away was the woman she had cried over, the woman she had missed so much. The woman who had hurt her, pretty badly.

Yeah, she might go throw up.

Tessa wasn’t a confrontational person, but she also wasn’t a non-confrontational person, falling somewhere in between. And as she sat there on the chilled wooden floor, she knew she wouldn’t be able to focus on her work with the knowledge that Jess was sitting in her living room.

After giving it a few more minutes – she really didn’t want to do this – Tessa crawled up off of the floor and pulled her door open. She poked her head out, only to see Jess sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, gazing into the distance. She didn’t seem to notice as Tessa warily approached the couch.

“I’m pissed at you,” Tessa blurted out, because it seemed the right thing to say, and then she defiantly crossed her arms over her chest. Her voice sounded whiny and not-at-all tough, which she hated, but what was done was done.

Jess let out an airy laugh and rubbed at her face. “I’m well aware, Tessa. And you have a right to be.”

“So why did you say that shit about me to our friends while I was in the cabin? In fact, why would you say that shit at all?” Tessa pressed on, frowning tightly down at Jess. She squeezed her arms over her chest tighter, trying not let herself reach out and just slap her. “That really hurt me, and you know what, you don’t know anything about my friendship with Niall, so I don’t know why you thought you had the right to say that, especially when you know I would never do that.”

“That’s exactly the point, Tessa! I had no idea what was going on with your friendship with Niall, except that you were spending more time with him than you were with me!” Jess exploded, leaping to her feet. “You stopped fucking spending time with me, and even when we did hang out, all you talked about was him!”

Tessa’s jaw had dropped about halfway through Jess’ rant. Faintly, she realized that she should probably shut her mouth, but she didn’t even remember how.

Jess didn’t seem to mind her silence, and instead carried on. “Yeah, I stopped talking to you. You know why? Because you were so far up Niall’s ass it didn’t seem worth my time.”

Tessa finally remembered how to speak. “Why didn’t you say anything to me about it, then? Why did you just hold it in and get so resentful about it?” Her voice was weak and trembling, and her eyes burned. She hadn’t ever considered that maybe Jess had stopped speaking with her because of her actions. Their fight years ago had reversed roles.

Jess shrugged one shoulder; her eyes downcast. “I don’t know, Tessa, I guess I didn’t want to rain on your parade. I know you really liked him, and I didn’t want to get in the way of that.”

Tessa managed to lift an eyebrow. “So, instead, you bottled everything inside and decided to talk shit about our friendship, potentially to make him think I was using him for fame.”

Pushing out a sharp breath, Jess shrugged again and looked up once more, her eyes meeting Tessa’s. “I’m not trying to say it was the right thing to do. I regret it a lot, and I really wish I hadn’t acted that way. I’m sorry”

Rubbing at her arms, Tessa shook her head mutely, unsure of how to proceed from this point onward. Jess had really hurt her; but she, in turn, had apparently really hurt Jess. What she had said was shitty and unnecessary, but Tessa had been a bad friend before that.

“Well…I’m sorry I was being a terrible friend.” Tessa muttered, the words feeling stiff and awkward on her tongue – it was odd to be apologizing when, up until a few minutes ago, she hadn’t been aware she had done anything wrong. And, in her mind, what Jess did was way more fucked up. “I guess the stuff you said about me and Niall doesn’t matter anyway; we’re not friends anymore.”

Jess full-on gasped. “What the fuck? What do you mean? Tessa, he was so obvious about how much he liked you, how come you guys aren’t friends now?!”

Tessa frowned. “I didn’t consider him to be that obvious about his feelings, but I’ll get back on that later.” She took a deep breath and spilled – everything that had happened at Hamilton, without expressly revealing that his ticket was supposed to be hers. By the end of her story, Jess was frowning too, and clicking her tongue.

“I’m sorry, Tessa, I really thought that you two would end up together. Honestly. I saw how he looked at you while we were at the cabin; he looked at you like you were the brightest star in the night sky.”

Tessa stared down at the floor and scuffed her foot along it, trying to ignore the emotions that churned inside of her at those words. “Well. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Jess stepped forward and enveloped her in a hug. Tessa was stiff at first, not sure if she wanted this, but then she relaxed and wrapped her arms around her best friend, sighing softly. Tears pricked at her eyes and she sniffled, and Jess laughed quietly and patted her back gently. “Sorry for being a bitch.”

“I accept that apology,” Tessa murmured, but didn’t offer up another of her own, causing them both to laugh.

“I should go home. Lyrica will be glad we’re friends again.”

Tessa wondered, then, if maybe Lyrica had made this whole thing happen. If she had suggested Jess come over and mend things with Tessa. She almost asked, but then bit her tongue and hugged Jess just a tiny bit harder.

It didn’t matter. She had her best friend back.

join the taglist / talk to me about this / story page

taglist: @angryniall @stylishmuser @confusedkiwifan @irish-nlessing@takemedancingmaine @hap-ppy-days-van-ish-ed @stayclose-holdsteady @playboyxniall @savvyflowers @day-dream-niall@awomanindeniall @militrybarbi @klairelavarias @happilygemgem @halfpinthoran

33 notes · View notes

librarieseverywhere · 4 years

Text

on remembering

i wish i remembered to write down everything, like how Clem gets so comfortable in my lap sometimes that she rolls off, or how the shower smells so good right when you first turn the water on here. It’s probably one of the best showers we’ll ever have.

Clem has diabetes, and it’s been hard. We’re still trying to get the insulin dose right, and the timing. She eats the food, now, and that is good. she’s put on a little weight, but she seems tired. I look at her and wonder if she’s older than we’ve thought.

What are cats for, if not for noticing? if not for slowing down time and bringing you into the present moment? But how often do I sit with the cat purring in my lap, while I stare at my phone, scrolling through instagram. Still, she ties me to here.

Like last summer, when B was out of town, and it was hot and sticky and I didn’t feel very good, and after I swam my laps at the pool, I came and laid on the couch and watched the week’s worth of Colbert episodes and Clem lay across me, and next to me for the whole time.

Or the morning where she smashed into the window trying to get a bird, and jumped up, clinging to the window ledge, smashing a picture frame in the process.

How about how every single morning she jumps up on to the bed with a little squeak and starts to nudge me awake? the sound of her footsteps on the stairs? the way she watches the birds out the back door, tail twitching? I want to soak it all in. I wish I recorded every moment, because while now it seems long, it won’t be. Someday, we’ll come to a day, when Clem is only in our memories. Now, when I think about the next 10 years, they loom large, but if I haven’t learned yet, they go, and soon you will be through them, on the other side. We forget to look back, only to the next 10 years from there.

I’m only taking it a day at a time now, wishing more than anything to be on the other side of this. Still, it is my life. 10 weeks have passed this way. My trip is a distant memory.

I thought of other things to record, and then i forgot, my mind jumps around so much, I’m always so scattered, I rarely follow through. I’m not so motivated when it comes to work or creativity - another form of work. I seek adventures and social outlets. I distract myself with pleasure.

Though I love my work, and if I can get myself to dig in, my head swims with ideas that I can’t write down fast enough. The same with creativity - I have ideas. It’s not all crazy when I jealously stalk the journalists on Twitter- a part of me really believes I could do it. But I just don’t have the drive.

I’ve been thinking about time, too, here, because what has been such a scary, stressful, grievous time in my short life, will surely be just a blip in the history books later. We won’t remember. The world will forget us, those who were not here will not care.

I’ve never thought much about what it might have been like to live through the Depression or WWII.

Why would anyone care that I couldn’t leave my house for 10 weeks? That we questioned everything - maybe some of us for the first time ?

We found out today that we’re moving - we’re excited, but as always, i’m sad, too. The house was good to us. It’s too good for us, hence the problem. The apartment will be “right-sized” and for that, we should be excited. a place we can afford on our own.

sometimes, i forget to miss my life, to grieve, to pray, to hold a moment for those who are suffering the most, and for the life that could have been. sometimes, i’m consumed by it.

It’s memorial day weekend, but i won’t be wearing my vacation dress and setting off to camp. the energy isn’t there, not this year, because we have a stay at home order. my favorite holiday of the year. i’ve let it go. i’m not too sad about it. i’ve let is all go and just pray for a future where this isn’t a problem anymore.

i’m supposed to pray for not going back to normal, but so much of what i want is monday night yoga and memorial day in virginia. I want my life from the last few years to be frozen in place, for no one to go anywhere. I want to tell these past years, “thank you” For Clem, for Andrea, for NYAPC, for Ellen, for Chris and Meredith, Gayle and Richard, the Pub and the People. Thank you for the vacation dress and Eckington and Mexico and Argentina. Thank you for live music and cook outs and healthy bodies.

So clearly, I see now - I had everythign I ever wanted. My life was going up - my career was finetuning, my community was gathering, my dreams were there - lurking in the way i lived.

we rush, even now, and i don’t sit with my thoughts. i don’t remember the tragedy around me. i get distracted and worried and agitated - about clem’s diabetes and money and moving and work and not working enough and being bored.

I don’t write everything down - i had a poetic thought earlier that I wanted to write, poignantly, just drop it into a post and leave it. I forgot it, my mind now skimming frantically over the day.

Something below the surface feels not quite right - and I’ll forget that nothing is quite right - that I should be wakng up on a schedule and riding my bike to Dupont and then coming home, maybe pretty tired, maybe sweaty, maybe with a million things to do, maybe after stopping for yoga or a play at woolly mammoth, or just a drink with a friend.

those things seem impossible now, and they are. my days now are only tied to the time of the insulin injections - 8:15a and 8:15p. When would i go to dnner with friends? maybe we’ll live like this forever, after all.

the world is still there, that’s what’s so strange. you can still call front royal canoe and make a reservation. you can take a walk and realize that all these other people are going to work, at the hardware store, the drug store, the Target, the Harris Teeter. They’re doing construction or rescheduling appointments at the dentist’s office.

The deeper we get into this , the more we see how much we really can let go of, how little we need, how much we can detach. Another world is possible, indeed. They’ve gutted mine. Essential services are Netflix, FedEx, and Amazon. It’s uncanny. If I were the paranoid type, I might truly believe I was just a character in someone’s play brimming with sympolism and cultural critique.

I got my teeth cleaned yesterday. Tomorrow I’ll vote, go for a run. The weekend stretches before us, tied only with the 8-8 rhythm. We’ll take the cat back to the vet Tuesday only to sit down to a condensed week. In a normal life, I might’ve taken Tuesday off - carpe diem! - salute the summer, and all that would have laid before me.

I’m losing steam here, but I mind doesn’t feel done. like i’ve got so much more. I do. I need to pray - to say thank you and I’m sorry. I need to remember what sacredness is, to recite beloved poems and words, to hear them reverberate in me. Prayer, I know, is what makes me a more understanding, deeper person. Ocean Vuyong said something to the effect of what i always think - just going for a walk is my prayer - and so i say now - my rage, my sorrow, my joy, my anxiety, these are all my prayers. when i notice the trees, when i smile at my beloved cat, when i see a friend, when i hear a siren, when i wail with anger at the unfathomable circumstances we find ourselves in - these are my prayers - these are the moments of my life .There are only sacred and desacrated places.

God, we are all you. You are in every detail, in all creatures, in every moment. Help me to slow down, to notice. That’s what love is.

God, help me. Be with us - let this thing end.

My work, too, gets in my head, and i think - shouldn’t i be learning more? doing more? becoming an expert in something? picking up a craft? demonstrating my creative side? prepping for a marathon? mostly i eat, but we’ve gotten tired of cooking. I read some, but we watch tv more. i shower when i don’t need to and i order things online that ship to my house. we complain and we fight. we’re here alone, without Ellen, and we miss her. We’ll miss this big old house. what we had was so fleeting, but it was good.

I feel like my time has not been enough. like i should have done more. at least for work - learning more, trying more, building more, doing PD, and reading all the articles. i can barely see one day ahead.

still i build in so much crap into my life - i keep busy and i forget to call my mother. i think about moving and vacation and gardens and take out food. I think about my 5 year plan and what i should do with my furlough time and what my research interests are and if i should apply for my PhD, now, and do it remote? would that be worth it? also, how do you make virtual experiences worth it? I should be trying to do interesting teaching strategies.

I think about Clem and cat diabetes and new make up tips because I look at the internet too much. I wonder if my hair is getting uglier (it is) and if i should volunteer/help/donate money/send notes. i try to be good, but sometmes i forget to try, and then i just stare at my computer screen, flicking between twitter and email and blogs and maybe halfheartedly thinking about work, but at least i should have gotten up if i wasnt going to do any work. and then we watch tv. sometimes that’s all it is. sometimes i do online yoga or we skype a friend. sometimes we take a walk, but there’s nowhere to go. sometimes there are so many after work hours but i don’t call anyone or read my book or anything. sometimes, we go to bed and wake up late the next day.

i should :

do my geography /sociology degree

a library degree

my Jon Batiste collage

learn to sing and play the banjo

read dozens of books and journal what i learn, really hold them in my heart

pray and pray and pray and contemplate and remember Roger and remember the Zapatistas and remember that my spirituality makes me more interesting, that my soul craves that connection in it’s core, that my love for NYAPC is huge, the place where 9th graders learn that God has no gender and that creation care is a critical part of being Christian. That politics are informed by our faith and that’s why we march and feed the hungry and demand clean air and clean water and a habitable future.

i’m rambling. i’m hungry. so is clem. i’m sad we’re moving but happy to find another place i’m worried about money but we have plenty. i’m tired but don’t know what i’d do anymore anyway, or how to begin again.

but maybe this, to vow again, to write, to pray, to contemplate, to share, to record. days and times and habits, they slip away and we don’t notice.

like when i used to try and make smoothies - that was for a few years, but i don’t do that anymore. or when we used to eat bread and olive oil, like we did in spain, but somehow we stopped. nothing actually is constant - you learn that. i’m 33 and i remember being 23 both like it was yesterday and like that probably wasnt even me, just a movie i watched. i’m nostalgic for yesterday and 10 years ago and i wouldn’t change a thing and i wish i could try something totally different. it’s a mess, this whole thing, and i should at least make something beaiutiful out of it. like Mary Oliver, who knew to be joy and light anyway.

1 note · View note

jawbreakers2015 · 5 years

Text

Player Profile: Scooter

SoCal thrower, professional Lethal League Blaze tourney attendee and player

What names do you go by?

Scooter, a nickname my friends gave me in highschool. My friend Looked at me one day and started calling me Scooter, I wish there was a better story like I used to ride Scooters and did cool tricks but no they just started calling me Scooter. I like it though, it's short and to the point. It's funny too, when I go to fighting game tournaments and hear TO's call out names like CaptainXAwsome, 5mi, shake n bake, and Ur-naked grandma. I like the simplicity of it.

I've been called the SoCal-thrower by a lot of people, I like this name as well. It's really strange to think that I've somehow defined a region or shaken a meta game as that was never my intention. I first played this game with my friends who had also enjoyed the first game although we played at what would probably be considered a casual level. One of those friends was Taternater who went by "PoonWrangler420", and because of our matches together we came to learn the game and it's nuances in a very unorthodox atmosphere. Most of the time we would just try things out for the sake of trying new things and seeing what we could get away with. I think that the fact that I had so much success and notoriety gained from my grab-orientated play-style encouraged other players to be more experimental and take more risks with not only grabs but other aspects of their game play. If that's true then I don't mind being the SoCal-thrower.

How did you get into Lethal League?

My friend AEM was the biggest influence, him and I really like watching jerma985's youtube videos and when we saw Lethal League it stood out to me. I never played in any tournaments but really enjoyed the core premise and was really exited for Blaze. I remember Playing it the day it came out and beating the entire story mode in one night and then playing ranked. I only wanted to play for a bit because it was quite late (I think the game was released late at night on Steam), but I ended up getting really into it and became really attached to my rank. When I went to my job the next day my rank was #198 or #199 and I was really proud of myself (in season 1 there were no divisions, just numbers), until I went on my break and saw my rank go down to #420 and when I got off work and got home it was somewhere in the #700s. I was really discouraged by that because to me it meant that I was even farther from the #1 rank player and I really wanted to see the high ranked players of this game because I think it's a cool game.

I now know that's not really how the matchmaking system works but Hindsight is 20/20. But that's the main reason why I wasn't very active in season 1.

youtube

What’s your current Lethal League experience?

Pretty good. I've played a lot of people and a lot of hours of Lethal League Blaze. I've been called a lot of names and been given a lot of compliments. I think I've played someone from every continent which sounds cooler than it feels. I like playing in tournaments and playing good players.

Who are your main/side/counter character picks?

Jet is the character I got into the game with but I think she is out shined by other characters. She's still a very good character in her own respect and doesn't get a lot of respect Raptor is this game's Ryu. Switch is this game's Ken.

What are your favourite character outfits?

I like the skins Shadowm_ made for his vocaloid videos on niconico video. Still waiting on gentle to release the texture mod so I can use them...

What are your stage preferences?

I prefer smaller stages because I don't like how some games can devolve to overly complicated keep-away. But Im comfortable on most stages except stadium and elevator. Fuck elevator

What input method do you use?

Logitech underachiever™, now available at your local Walmart retail store! That was my first controller... now I rotate between an Xbox one controller and a fight stick to embrace my inner FGC tryhard! Shoutouts to Mecazawa for showing me that fight stick is a viable input method

I believe people can use whatever controller they are best with. There are techniques that are easier to do with keyboard and others that feel smoother to execute on controller.

Michigan Masters is going to be played on PS4. Are you prepared for that?

Sure, I already play on controller and fight stick so I'm not so worried about the console. I hope the keyboard players will be able to keep themselves from complaining too loudly :^)

Who do you hope to meet at Michigan Masters?

I'm really excited to see the LLB community again, we don't get to see each other because we're so far away from one another but Tournaments like these are great excuses to hangout and see one another face to face. It's a very different experience from talking on the internet. Specifically though I'm really excited to see Mylo & Boog, very different people and very good players.

What other games do you play?

Hmm if you can think of it, I've played it

Is there anything else you’d like to say to the community?

Don't parry too often or it'll be grabbed :)

Follow Scooter @radcommentator on twitter.

#MIMAS2020 #Lethal League Blaze #Player Profile #Scooter #USA #Lethal League #Team Reptile #Michigan Masters

1 note · View note

symbianosgames · 7 years

Link

In recent years, the annual E3 trade show, has increasingly been overshadowed by the press conferences that precede it. Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft have traditionally used the venue to crow about their sales and business successes, and unveil their latest offerings via live [or seemingly live] demos with game designers.

But that's all changing now. Boring corporate biz speak is now reserved for quarterly reports, and live demos are increasingly being supplanted by prerecorded material. Celebrities guests and superstar presenters are on the wane, and influencers from the esports and livestream scene are on the rise.

As we watched the press conferences this year, Gamasutra staff exchanged emails about what these changes might mean for developers. (You should also tune in for Gamasutra's Twitch livestream on Thursday at 3pm EDT, in which we'll discuss our reactions to the conference.)

Chris Baker (@chrisbaker1337), assignment editor: Hi everybody! I've put in my time at E3 over the years. I was there for Sony's stunningly successful PS4 unveiling in 2014, and the stunning debacle of the PS3 unveiling in 2006. I've seen surprise game reveals and surprise guest appearances. (Muhammad Ali! Paul and RIngo! Gaben!)

But this year, I watched the precedings from my couch, for the most part. (I saw the Microsoft press conference on my phone while I did laundry.) It seems clear that the nature and purpose of these events are shifting. The Microsoft press conference was chockablock with interesting games, but it was essentially a series of trailers and Let's Play videos.

I think there are a couple of things going on here. One, of course, is that there's less of an emphasis every year on the people in the room, and more of an emphasis on the global streaming audience. Two, I think there's an effort to limit banter and live demos, since every flub and glitch has the potential to be endlessly memed and GIFed.

I'm writing this on Monday, morning, catching up on clips from the Bethesda conference that I missed. So far, I thought the Sea of Thieves demo at the Microsoft press conference was particularly interesting, firstly because there was a lot more graphics and a lot more game there than the last time we saw it, but also because it was presented as a sort of hybrid trailer and Let's Play, with a voiceover narration accompanying lengthy chunks of what looked like actual gameplay footage. Last year, they did a formal trailer and then a more Twitch-like gameplay reveal. I thought this year's fusion of the two was far more successful.

[embedded content] Sea of Thieves gameplay walkthrough

Bryant Francis (@RBryant2012), contributing editor: Sending this on Monday afternoon, caught up on all conferences except obviously Sony.

"I hope this means that developers get to spend less time on E3 vertical slices.

I agree with Chris that everyone seems to be following Sony’s lead from last year of trying to keep these things as trailer-focused as possible. Ubisoft’s the only developer to not greatly change their flow (dropping Aisha Tyler is notable I guess), but everyone seems to have caught the message that for marketing purposes, pre-recorded gameplay footage, or a chance to play the game on the floor, matters more than spokespeople or live gameplay, whether it’s a trailer or just a demo vehicle.

That sort of has to do with now, more than ever, these E3 conferences being “for the folks at home?” Now that they start a full four days before the expo itself (good lord) the purpose of these things isn’t to sell your game to intermediaries, it’s to sell them to the people who may go and pre-order them on the spot. I hope this means developers get to spend less time on “E3 vertical slices,” and I wonder if this makes journalists feel like they’re being edged out of the room. (Maybe that’s why they keep complaining about all the YouTubers?)

The PC game show, awkward as it can be sometimes, is turning into a surprising highlight for indie developers looking to make an impact on Steam. Finji’s managed to take the stage 2 years in a row now with interesting-looking games, and since there is a sit-down-and-talk factor, I wonder if it’s a way for game devs to start making a personal introduction to an interested audience. (Admittedly while someone is pitching Intel hardware 2 minutes later)

[embedded content] The charming Tunic, from Andrew Shouldice and Finji

Demo-wise, my two biggest hits came from the Ubisoft conference. First, the Mario/Rabbids game turning out to be an unexpected game genre was a great surprise, and as I think Alissa said on Twitter, it’s a shame that the game’s existence was leaked a while ago, otherwise seeing Shigeru Miyamoto come out on stage with Yves Guillemot would have made a bigger impact. And ironically, while everyone’s talking about ‘more gameplay, less cinematics’ at E3 this year, the Beyond Good & Evil 2 trailer absolutely rekindled my interest in that game. If you’re going to introduce your game with a CG trailer, it’s worth loading every inch of it with style and verve that’s going to make the gameplay worth waiting for.

Also while I’m at it I should say I’m super impressed with Microsoft’s announcement to take backwards compatibility all the way to the original Xbox. I’ll probably blather about this more on our livestream later this week, but I think the fact that the Xbox One X (oy) can now be sold as “it plays ALL Xbox games at their best quality” is a huge selling point for the device.

[embedded content] Beyond Good & Evil 2 announcement trailer

Alex Wawro (@awawro), news editor: My Dearest Friends,

It has been quiet here, of late. The shoutcasting has stopped. I write to you on Monday evening, not long after the latest dispatch from Sony, and I must say: E3 has changed. The lion's share of the excitement will be over soon, and after witnessing much of it from the comfort of my couch I have to say -- I like the change.

This year more than ever, it's clear that the big publishers are catching on to what many game devs already know so well: enthusiastic people (whether they be devs or YouTubers or Twitch streamers) are great vectors for advertising your game. So is PAX. And since nobody but Microsoft seems to have much of anything to talk about this year except games, it's not hugely surprising that Electronic Arts, Bethesda, Ubisoft, and Sony all stacked their E3 presentations with lots of trailers (Sony was basically back-to-back trailers, for the second year in a row) and gameplay videos.

"It's interesting that this year, indie devs had a presence at Microsoft's E3 event, but were basically absent from Sony's showcase. "

Sometimes those gameplay videos were live, sometimes they were pre-recorded, but most were introduced with minimal drama (no overwrought whinging about surveillance states, for example) and maximum enthusiasm. It was pure salesmanship, to be sure, but refreshingly open and earnest -- I noticed Ubisoft even took the time to flash a link to its online merch store multiple times throughout its show.

Microsoft stood apart a bit though, huh? I think that Xbox showcase reminds us what E3 has typically been: a place where publishers sell a vision of what they want to be in the year to come, replete with new hardware, new services, and new games from devs across the industry.

Kris also mentioned something in chat that I didn't notice right away: It's sort of interesting that this year indie devs had a presence at Microsoft's E3 event (Tacoma, The Artful Escape, Ashen, etc) but were basically absent from Sony's showcase.

That's a sharp turnabout from a few years back, when Sony made a show of embracing indie devs and promoting them as a core pillar of the PlayStation 4. Now that Sony has plenty of its own games to talk about, it looks like the company is a lot less interested in promoting indie devs on its stage. And if you're an indie dev, that doesn't seem like a great look.

Bryant Francis: Jumping in on Tuesday after the Nintendo and Sony streams.

What the heck happened to the indies at the Sony press conference last night? Has it been 48 hours yet? Do we need to file a missing persons report?

"A return to Metroid does give creedence to the theory that Nintendo isn’t as focused on the casual market anymore."

I don’t know if it’s just a case of the development cycles of Sony’s current games, but last night’s trailer reel + twitching bodyfest didn’t reveal a lot of new info about the direction of games on PlayStation. It’s possible this is one of those case where “E3 doesn’t matter the same way anymore so we’re saving these for PSX or something,” but this is the first year Sony didn’t seem to be banking on revealing a new game with an unknown release date.

I also heard from the floor that there was some confusion over why Knack 2 has been playable at the press events but didn’t show up in the press conference last night. Given our love for Sony hardware enthusiast Mark Cerny, I’m worried that game is getting hidden due to the intense online anger over the first game.

Nintendo continued the (4-days old) tradition of a short conference with a big focus today, and I admit to being extremely surprised by the revelation of Metroid Prime 4, which is being developed by a new team that’s not Retro Studios. But then a 2D Metroid Game was announced in the Treehouse session afterward?? Will 2018 (maybe 2019) be the year of Samus Aran? A return to Metroid does actually seem to be a nod to Kris’s ongoing theory that Nintendo isn’t going to deal much with the casual market anymore, since that was a series it seemed to push aside for a little while for its seeming lack of broad appeal.

(I will note another recurring trend at these conferences, which is re-announcements with more info of stuff that was very much public knowledge beforehand. Bethesda’s VR games, many of Sony’s games, Nintendo’s announcement about a ‘core’ Pokemon game for the Switch... all of this was previously announced. This conference just was where they got the marketing push.)

Kris Graft (@krisgraft), editor-in-chief: *APPEARS FROM THE BUSHES, GASPING FOR AIR. CLOTHES IN TATTERS*

Ok hey guys I’m here, I’m here. So while you all were doing laundry and watching people talk about teraflops from the comfort of your own homes, I was at E3 2017 living it. While I was there for the press conferences and pre-E3 meetings and events, I actually only stayed for the first full day of the proper expo, just so I could get a good handle on the sights – and smells – of an E3 that included 15,000 non-industry public guests. I’ll try to keep this reasonably succinct! (As a side note, this was my 11th E3.)

"Developers I spoke with noted how networking is especially difficult this year."

So, as far as the show itself, the biggest difference this year are the extra public fans wandering about. They’re easily spotted because their tags were bright yellow, and typically were the most loaded-down with free merch, sometimes wearing shirts that say “Awesome Gamer” or “Yeah, I was at E3 2017.” It’s super easy for me to get annoyed with E3 adding so many more people to an already crowded event with virtually no extra accommodations for that traffic, but…wait there is no “but.”

Really I’m not down on the fans. I am confused with what the ESA is doing here with this event. Developers I spoke with noted how networking is especially difficult this year, because you simply can’t assume that everybody is a “somebody,” and those “somebodies” are more difficult to connect with. E3’s been going this direction for years by lowering the barrier for press accreditation, though adding so many straight-up fans into the mix only exacerbates the issue.

E3 is trying to serve two masters here: Industry and fans. It wants to be “old” industry-centric E3, and it wants to be Comic-Con. I really wonder how many more game companies, especially after this year, might pull out of the show floor because they’re (further) questioning the value proposition of E3. It’s a tricky scenario. ESA needs to maintain and grow its event business, but it seems the growth it needs can only come from increasingly angling the event toward fans, and going head-to-head with large consumer-focused events like PAX. E3 2017 is a weird an awkward transition towards that.

E3 is very crowded [Image: GameRevolution]

Ok so I spent a lot of time talking about the event itself, so I’ll just give a quick rundown of some notable E3 things:

Sony: They’re pretty much done with highlighting indies, E3 2017 confirms. That said, PolyArc, a small studio made up of ex-triple-A devs, was included in Sony’s press conference. They’re making a really nice-looking VR game called Moss, starring a mouse.

[embedded content]PolyArc's Moss

Microsoft: Obviously their big thing is Xbox One X. Price is a bit high, value proposition is shaky, but I’m not sure where else console-makers (that aren’t Nintendo) can go. We’ll see how it goes this November.

Nintendo: Metroid Metroid Metroid. I’m just glad they didn’t forget about Metroid. Also wow at some of these Super Mario Odyssey hat-possession gifs.

Bethesda: Yeah, I’m playing through Wolfenstein: The New Order again.

#IFTTT #Blogger

0 notes

symbianosgames · 7 years

Link

[embedded content] Sea of Thieves gameplay walkthrough

Bryant Francis (@RBryant2012), contributing editor: Sending this on Monday afternoon, caught up on all conferences except obviously Sony.

"I hope this means that developers get to spend less time on E3 vertical slices.

[embedded content] The charming Tunic, from Andrew Shouldice and Finji

[embedded content] Beyond Good & Evil 2 announcement trailer

Alex Wawro (@awawro), news editor: My Dearest Friends,

"It's interesting that this year, indie devs had a presence at Microsoft's E3 event, but were basically absent from Sony's showcase. "

Bryant Francis: Jumping in on Tuesday after the Nintendo and Sony streams.

What the heck happened to the indies at the Sony press conference last night? Has it been 48 hours yet? Do we need to file a missing persons report?

"A return to Metroid does give creedence to the theory that Nintendo isn’t as focused on the casual market anymore."

Kris Graft (@krisgraft), editor-in-chief: *APPEARS FROM THE BUSHES, GASPING FOR AIR. CLOTHES IN TATTERS*

"Developers I spoke with noted how networking is especially difficult this year."

E3 is very crowded [Image: GameRevolution]

Ok so I spent a lot of time talking about the event itself, so I’ll just give a quick rundown of some notable E3 things:

[embedded content]PolyArc's Moss

Nintendo: Metroid Metroid Metroid. I’m just glad they didn’t forget about Metroid. Also wow at some of these Super Mario Odyssey hat-possession gifs.

Bethesda: Yeah, I’m playing through Wolfenstein: The New Order again.

#IFTTT #Blogger

0 notes