#and every day i wake up like ‘i couldn’t possibly love vox more than i did yesterday’

[inkykeiji]

SO THE RADIO GUY’S BACK. I DON’T THINK YOU NOTICED, I DIDN’T AT FIRST—I WAS TOO BUSY BEING A MUCH MORE INTERESTING AND IMPORTANT PERSON. BUT FUCK IT. NEWS IS SLOW TODAY I GUESS. I’M TOTALLY NOT WORRIED ABOUT THIS GUY AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU BE. I TOTALLY WRECKED HIS SHIT THE LAST TIME HE TRIED ME, THANKS FOR ASKING.

[noszkass]

kemper gabriel wolfe; empathic mimicry.

student/possibly vox. twenty three. georgia native. asshole™

        [looks you in the eyes, pats your knee sympathetically] “i don’t care.”

tw/cw: mentions parental death, murder, suicide.

brief history: [tw] was raised by his aunt and uncle (aka mom’s brother) along with his half-sister and cousins after the murder + suicide mess that was his mother and stepfather when he was four // still to this day has no idea it was the only out his mother saw of protecting them from her husband (spoiler alert; her powers may have progressed over time and drove her insane oops) // didn’t know what he was until that move because at the time his mother was the only person with power and her’s was a relatively inactive one (a true empath) // turns out a few family members on his mother’s side are special // lives comfortably within his means because he’s a spoiled little rich kid who as doted on because of the family tragedy (aka his aunt started playing that orphan card before he even knew what the hell one was ─ then learned by example) // has since bulldozed, lucked out and fucked his way through life and is far too pretty to be ashamed of that so... // almost killed one of his friends last year and ended up leaving colorado for the better part of the it because that’s how you deal with a situation like that right?? // if damon salvatore and jace wayland had a baby and that baby was a beautiful, talented, mouthy little egotistical asshole... kemper wolfe would still think he was better than them.

general personality:  estp + aries // guys like kemp are the reason people think slytherins are evil // mouthy, reckless, impulsive and guarded, yet extroverted // he’s the kind of guy who feeds off the energy of others and dislikes being left alone with his thoughts, but often finds himself disappearing off on his own to recharge or because he’s somehow gotten it into his stubborn head that he doesn’t need anybody else // he’s the epitome of every “i actually care very deeply but act like an asshole” trope ever // his power is empathy based which is 100% true to who he is, he just doesn’t want it to be and behaves accordingly // ambitiously selfish, but loyal to those relationships he values. // aggressive, protective, territorial and a little bit elitist // always finding himself in unnecessarily dangerous situations because he’s a fucking adrenaline junkie who has a problem with authority and thinks the rules don’t apply to him // since the accident last year he gave himself time to grow a little, but somehow the second he stepped foot back on excelsior grounds, that wolfe charm reared it’s perfectly quaffed head and shoved those feelings deeeeep, deep down. // honestly tho, he’s really feeling all of his fucking feelings and it’s only a matter of time before ya boy explodes // doesn’t have to make physical contact to get his power to work but if he’s emotionally compromised it misbehaves. so sometimes he has to touch people to mimic their power. like a mental cockblock. that he did to himself. yep.

wanted connections: i’ve been hoping for a small group of like-minded friends who amp each other up and are known for getting into trouble. possibly the person who he almost killed which caused him to take the leave of absence. i wanted to work out those details with whoever took the character, but essentially he latched onto a very addictive power that was too strong and couldn’t control it. taken!

i’m also hoping to build on some of his family? i absolutely want his little sister for sure because she’s very important to his development (i’ll probably be posting a more formal request for her later but if anyone wants to play the other half of this co-dependent sibship hmi), but it’d be fantastic to have a couple cousins who are part of the academy? eventually i want his birth father to make himself known, too. i have high hopes of his family being legacies in the life and death brigade plot too bih js

maybe an ex he left behind who doesn’t want to hear his shit because he just up and left with no word so they’ve moved on.  taken!

and, i mean. he doesn’t get terribly invested in romantic relationships unless they become friends, so i’m happy to make him the bad guy in anyone’s love story tbh. his idea of a good relationship is the kind that’s gone when he wakes up in the morning. and even when he finds someone he’s into, he becomes the king of self sabotage. cheater, super flirt, ghost royalty etc etc. in all honesty though when he does feel something, he really feels it. which is pretty much his problem. feels too much or not at all.

i’m still unsure on his sexuality, but he’s at the very least into girls. bisexual bby.

[that-whatever]

so i found this in my drafts

i was gonna flush it out but now i think ill just post it as is, its my thought of how each of the vox machina gang reacted to the quote from bard lament (or at least one of that set) where vax said “He's family, and family leaves’  idk it just hit me hard in that moment how each one of the vm group could really relate to that, it gets longer with each member (as this was me sort of in character ranting at 3am) and its missing pike, again i planned on flushing this out but its been ages now, so, 

Keylet - her mom, left without a proper goodbye, on bad days hopes shes dead, at least that way it wasn't her choice, on better days that shes kidnapped and tortured, if she's alive out there shell have to exp a pain she doesn't want of abandonment and rejection she knows its wrong she does but if she finds out she's been out there all these years, never returning on her own volition, she doesn't know what she’d do

Percy - lost enough ppl to make him feel sick at night, a large family of parents, siblings, children god they were children he’s surrounded by loss but what hurts more than anything is that he left he left his sister to the fucking wolves to die even unknowingly he abandoned her, left her. the emotions he's plagued with and he consciously does it every day, she's breaking at the seam overloaded and overwhelmed with work, running a city he should be carrying, its the least he could do he tells himself she has more preparation for this, but he's not too sure that helps him feel better shes stopped asking him to come back to help her after his constant rejections, but he can see the pleading in her dark circles and graying hair he left her then, and he's done it every day since. out with his friends while his sister lies trapped in her castle with no knight in sight

Grog was never one for emotions, he's really only ever felt three, in his whole life, happy, angry and hungry, that's an emotion, right? Hell ask pike later. He hears vax and knows immediatley that its true, his herd left him bleeding out to die they walked away with his blood on their hands with not even a shred of doubt on their minds hes told keyleth once, and vax too at one point, that the herd isnt his family anymore, vox mochina is, and he believes that but he cant help but think its not all true, half of it is, he knows that much, vox mochina is his family, he fights harder hearing their war cries and strives to be better knowing they have his back, their blood runs through his viens, but he cant help thinking the other half isnt all true, no doubt its not all false either, but, part of him is still hung up on the herd leaving him all those years ago, when he fought kevdak, a large part of him wanted to knock him to the ground, to scream this is for all those years ago, look how ive grown see what ive become, better than I ever could be with you lot, the need to prove himself so inherent around the herd he almost forgot where he was, and no, they arent his family anymore, sometimes he thinks they never were, not family in the sense of what he knows it to be now, but it nags at him, they arent his family anymore but its still the tiniest bit painful, to look back on his old memories

Vax says it with an amount of resentment that surprises even him. when they went to live with their dad, vax was prepared to hate him, to push him away in favor of sticking by vex, so when they saw, truly, how despicable of a man he really was, vax couldn't help his apathy towards the situation grow, sure he was angry, but he found himself more angry that his father was so idiotic as to reject the love they had for him, that he wasn't even willing to open his arms to them, than anything else, it was him and vex against the world, always has been, what was the point of being bitter about some douchebag father. He's always known he was an emotional man though, far more than anyone else in his group, beyond Percy's brooding eyes and grogs dreadful lack of knowledge, he swears he heard him ask pike if hungry was an emotion the other day, and anyone who would dare call him cynical was just doing so based on stereotype, its not his fault he's inclined to wear all black and have a scorn on his face half the time, he's a hopeful guy, and he knows a lot of his dreams come from a place of hurt, he sits often and thinks of what he can hopefully have one day, the type of father he wants to be, to have kids who don't doubt for a second of his love for them, sick of hearing him say it all the time, supporting them through thick and thin growing a family so wonderful his heart is heavy with his contentment, waking up every day with a smile and tiny puffs of red hair tickling his chin,

Vex couldn't help the tears that fell at vax’s words, she's angry at Scanlan shes furious, he left them he knew what they've all been through and with a wound still fresh shes brought back to her pitiful excuse of a childhood, of a father she greeted with hope, who struck her down almost immediately, sparing no time to crush it down every chance he got, and even when her love for him depleted it never left, she wanted to prove herself to him, to gain his love pride and respect, never truly gaining it but always trying nonetheless. Anytime vax told her pleadingly to give it up she begged for one more day I can change his mind vax I'm sure of it. when they left she felt like a tree fell on her, she was drained exhausted from trying so hard and tired from having her emotions toyed with every waking minute, when they arrived back to their rightful home, to only be met with the smell of smoke, she cried harder than she ever thought possible, her entire childhood, every essense of her home, her mother her memories of being young all nothing but ash, she held vaxs hand as tight as she could, as if she could hold onto him so tight that the wretched rock of a planet they were standing on would stop spinning so fast for a few moments, let her catch her breath for a little while, that if she held on tight enough, he would squeeze back and neither would ever let go, this was it they were it, it was them two alone in the world they were all they had, their last hope an empty lot in a burned down town, she wondered how scanlan, who had lost people himself, could do this to them, put them through this, later she told herself if she truly believed that he knew what it was like to be abandoned, to do that to kaylie would be far worse than what he did, to give someone else the fatherless childhood he had, she and vax had, that would be far worse

Scanlan cant help but over hear him, he was only steps away from the door when vax opened his mouth, and scanlan cant help but smile a little looking over at kaylie, at his daughter, yes family leaves, god doesnt he know, but sometimes, sometimes they come back, they return and they love, he grips his daughters hand and they walk and he knows in his heart hes doing the right thing, months later, eating at a table far too big in a room far too small hes laughing with kaylie mouth wide and eyes streaming, for a second he listens as the table next to him goes into a story detailing the fight they saw at emon, his name comes up a few times but hes more innterested in the others, for the slightest of moments his smile falters and he leans farther down in his chair, but family returns, and maybe one day he will, on worse days when hes feeling more bitter he tells himself he shouldnt, its what they deserve, but he knows thats not true, in that moment he looks back up at kaylie, still reeling from his joke, rightfully so it was hilarious as all his jokes are, and his smile return full force, it was just the right thing to do, and he cant help feeling justified,

[doomedandstoned]

Black Leather Chose Us: The Wild Debut of HIGH REEPER!

~By Billy Goate~

Oh, boy, do we have a treat for you today, Doomers & Stoners! Heavy Psych Sounds have gotten ahold of another killer spin and you get to be the first to hear it today. Meet HIGH REEPER from Philly. I remember listening to the self-titled debut by High Reeper on a long walk. As soon as it was over, I started it again...and then again after that. The songs on High Reeper have a kind of sinister verve that appeals to my rebel spirit, something that's evident right away from opening number "Die Slow." The incredible energy of the riffmaking and rhythm section keeps the pace going strong in "Chrome Hammer." The next track, "Soul Taker" (one of my favs), gives us a fresh take on the style of doom immortalized by Black Sabbath and the crew of early '70s proto-metallers.

Speaking of crew, let's meet our cast:

Shane Trimble (bass)

Zach Thomas (vox)

Pat Daly (guitar)

Andrew Price (guitar)

Napz Mosley (drums)

Photo by David Norbut

Man, it's no wonder this album is a party -- and a damned heavy one -- from start to finish. What you're noticing this deep into the album is nothing sounds sluggish or half-hearted. High Reeper have bottled up all the excitement of a barnstorming, arena-filled stage show in these nine tracks. It's clear that the band wants you to experience this record in a single spin and have put a lot of thought into the placement of each song to keep you engaged throughout.

Some other highlights include the namesake track, "High Reeper," with a fun drum solo, and the devilish grin of "Reeper Deadly Reeper" -- perhaps the doomiest song on the record. It will be impossible to keep from making comparisons with Orchid, Purple Hill Witch, R.I.P. -- bands that have material rooted in the Sabbath legacy, yet succeed wildly in crafting a fresh sound that is distinctly their own. Clearly, a lot of thought has gone into these tracks, as nothing came across to me as trite or forced.

The record just couldn't sound better to my ears, either -- engineered by bassist Shane Trimble himself. The album, which releases this Friday, March 16th, and is available in limited transparent orange vinyl and standard black, as well as in CD and digital formats (I noticed some cool bundles, too). Pre-order on Heavy Psych Sounds right here.

Some buzz:

High Reeper’s self-titled debut is an unapologetic punch to the face for fans of early ‘70s proto-metal. The sound and smell of leather, weed, boozing, gambling and death permeate the record from start to finish. Nine tracks that run from up-tempo straight ahead rock, to slowed down, heavy, early doom. With a rhythm section throwing down grooves that are deeper than the darkest abyss and guitars big enough to put a hole in your chest, the record’s finale hits just as hard as its opening track. Vocals that soar above the guitars with laser like precision, while delivering a direct hit to your soul. (Heavy Psych Sounds)

Interview with Shane Trimble from High Reeper

By Shawn Gibson

I think I've listened to the new album about twice now. The sound it has a punch to it, kind of like a raised middle finger! I like the edge you’ve honed in on.

Thanks, I'm a bit of a gear nerd and shit, and I’m real into that kind of shit.

That's right, you recorded and produced the album, didn't you?

Yes, I’ve been doing that for a very, very, very, long time. Like for twenty-five years, probably. I had a very good teacher.

Yeah?

A crazy mentor! His name is Mike Tarsia and he was a lead engineer at Sigma Sound Studios in Philadelphia. They had 'Young Americans' (1975) by Bowie recorded there. When I first started recording, I learned at our big studio in New York. It was all right place at the right time; it had nothing to do with me. Mike is still my mentor, he mastered the record. I wouldn't be able to do anything without that guy! I would be able to do what I do, without him. He's as fantastic a guy as the day is long. It's always great to be able to take great knowledge and great expertise handed down from a great teacher. He's not just a teacher, but also a very close friend.

Explain the name High Reeper.

(laughs) We were throwing out names and that got thrown out there. "Oh it's so over the top,” we thought, but it was appropriate so we went with it.

Sure, I dig it.

If you’re going to go, go all the way!

What’s that like getting signed and being on Heavy Psych Sound Records? Is that pretty badass?

Well, we just started this for ourselves; we had no intention of putting it out or anything like that. We just wanted to make a stoner rock like Sabbath’s kind of recorded but for ourselves. We thought we were just going to play four or five live shows and have something to have fun with and get drunk together. We've all been in bands together over the last ten years in one form or another playing all kinds of music. Once this was recorded, the reaction was very positive. Long story short, we hired this PR guy, fantastic guy, right before the album was to be released digitally, we got signed. One morning I wake up with like four labels offering to put out the record and I was like, "What?"

The funny thing is once things started taking off, we hired a PR firm, and I personally had emailed every label who I thought was cool. I can’t stress this enough: Heavy Psych Sounds was our first choice. I was talking to another label and he was like “I’d love to put this out; I can’t do this for a while. I can definitely put out your second record. But have you tried X label, have you tried Y label? Have you tried Heavy Psych Sounds?”

I said, "Yes! I sent them our records forever and never got a response." He said, "Don't worry. I'll get in touch with them." He gave them the record that morning and then Gabriele from our label Gabriele Fiori he is the lead singer and guitarist for Black Rainbows. Super, super band. I don't know if you ever listened to them. They have a new album coming out, it's killer. So Gabriele and I started talking, I would say it's surreal for all of us to now be on the label, the only label we wanted to be on, you know. We love the aesthetic of the label. We love the bands on the label. It would be impossible for me to express our gratitude and how happy and satisfied we are to be on our label.

Definitely.

The main thing is when you’re doing something like when you’re on a label, you want the right fit. There's plenty of awesome labels. This label you know I was hoping was the right fit for us and after talking to Gabriele, that it certainly was the right thing for us. We thought it was a no-brainer at that point.

Well I'm happy for you!

We are in disbelief every day. We are extremely grateful. It's crazy, we can’t believe it. We are happy this is the outcome and we certainly weren't imagining anything like this when we wrote the record. We really made it and mixed it for ourselves, thinking that it wasn't a record made with the intent to get a record deal our play in any kind of scene or anything like that that's just, "Oh no." It took on a life of its own. It's still bizarre. None of us can believe it. (laughs)

So it makes it that much more meaningful because it's truly organic. It's all from the heart, it's your passion.

Yeah it’s crazy, you know, we're reminded of it every day, messages on Facebook and Instagram. We don't even have a record even out, you know. Was it the Doom Charts? Bucky Brown managed to give away like 50 or a hundred download codes before the record was to come out, right before we got signed. So our record has floated out there with some people, digitally. There are people who heard it and who have it and are really fans and they reach out to us and tell what they think and it's been great. It's been rewarding and we appreciate them. I don't know if it will be possible to convey how much we appreciate them. It certainly makes us feel good to connect any way possible, as much as possible. To be as accessible as possible.

I see that you guys are from Philly, Delaware area. Do you have any skaters in your band?

Well, Andrew and Pat are both skaters.

I was wondering if any of you guys skated LOVE Park.

Oh yeah, like a million times.

I've seen it in several skate videos all the CKY’s any of BAM’s footage Chris Cole's parts. Even guys from everywhere else coming to skate there. Being from the southeast, I got a lot of love for LOVE Park. I've heard sometimes you couldn't skate if you weren't local.

Yeah, it can be rough sometimes. No doubt, it's Philly. (laughs) That's just the way it is, man.

Nice segue to my next question. Were you witness to any of the anarchy that happened after Eagles won the Super Bowl?

Well, Zach went to the parade. The night of the Super Bowl, let’s see where was Zach watching it? Zach was at the parade, everyone else stayed home and the night of the Super Bowl, no one was out. Andrew's brother however did after they won, I don't even know what went on there! Zach was at the parade, like a trooper. I'm not sure if he remembers, so if you ever meet him or talk to him you can ask him any questions you want, but I don’t think you’re going to get many answers. (laughs)

Back to the music, for a moment. What are some influences for High Reeper?

Oh, man. Obviously, Black Sabbath. You have to remember our intent of the record was. We weren't thing we were going to put anything out "we should make something that sounds like Sabbath yak know?" I want the vocals to sound like "Behind The Wall Of Sleep." It’s what like the third song on the first Sabbath record? That's why the vocals are loud, they have the double on them from the delay, except it's not pan-crazy like on the record, the Sabbath record.

Honestly, any band that rocks, whether it's Sabbath or Deep Purple. I don't know if you ever heard of this band from like 2000 -- The Datsuns, they're from New Zealand. Anything that rocks man! For us more than anything, it would be older bands. Zach is super into everything that is in stoner and doom. He's really on top of everything. The rest of the guys listen to it, but Zach is on top of every new release that comes out. I would say the vocals weren't dirty; they’re not swimming in delay. They are, there's a ton of reverb on them. It doesn't have that new doom sound because it wasn't really made to be one of those records, that wasn't even the fault when we were making it, just because we were making it for ourselves. Motorhead that's another one, one of those crazy ones. Any of the heavy rocking bands like Thin Lizzy, that's all.

Hell, yeah! What would be a damn good book you've read?

The Keith Richards autobiography.

I need to read that.

That would be a damn good book for anyone that's played music or anyone who wants to read about an interesting guy. I can’t tell you how much we love the Stones. They may not be doom, they may not be metal, but they are the baddest motherfuckers on two feet! It doesn't show in this album, but we love those guys. Pat and I are super Stones-heads -- Andrew, too. We just love that shit.

On a lighter note, what is something that will make you laugh uncontrollably?

The movie Burnt (2015) with Bradley Cooper. It makes me laugh uncontrollably every day, I watch it almost every day. It's as bad as a movie can be.

I'll have to check that out! What are some bands around the Delaware-Philly area that you guys like a lot and or like to play with?

Ecstatic Vision, for one. We are playing with Heavy Temple, who are awesome, at our record release show and Hound, who are stripped down 70's style rock -- they rock! Of course, Ruby the Hatchet, we would love to play with them. We think they're fantastic!

That would be a badass show!

Oh yeah man, a lot of good bands in the scene, for sure. Yeah it's very encouraging and everybody’s cool and nice. That never hurts.

We should also mention that you're playing Doomed & Stoned Fest III in Indianapolis in October.

Yes! We're really excited about that! Super fucking stoked, man!

Awesome! We're really looking forward to both that and the release of your debut LP this Friday.

Thanks! We really thrilled and grateful you're writing about the record. We weren't making this record to put it out, but were glad that it came out. We're fucking thrilled! It's something that snowballed! We’re just so happy to be on Heavy Psych Sounds and be going on tour. It's just really great.

What a beautiful ride!

Absolutely wild.

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[ifridiot]

Fanbot High Fic: Dreams

WHAT YOU DIDN’T WANT MORE OF THIS SHITE?

prelude to this

@amuseoffirebane

Shi wasn't even certain he could call them nightmares. They were more like a horrible twisted contortion of dreamscape, disturbing and haunting, but not exactly frightening. He expected the memories, ugly and sharp and over processed, the bad moments he’d lived through that he never thought about in waking. Seeing something completely fabricated is new and unexpected.

There's no reason or logic applied to the realms of sleep. Yes, there are images, familiar realizations. But order and reality never turn up, there are no sharp, clear thoughts within the world of dreams. Everything's as though swimming under dark waters; murky, deep, so enveloping in its embrace that one can't bother with mundane things like thought.

However, Shi did not have ordinary dreams anymore. They had order. Too much order to be true, too many shaky coincidences. Another strange thing; he dreamed every night. Behind shuttered optics, engine idling as he rested.

And never, never could he awaken without the screams.

The sound of nothing filled his ears like a howling rush.

In any given lifetime, the sound of silence will never exist. Noise is a common distraction, a prevailing force in the way one survives, and to truly hear "silence" for once would most likely destroy a normal person's mind. After all, even when alone, the breath of a stoked furnace, the tick of resting engines, they echo within every bot.

Never silent, Shi used to think. Now there was silence.

Around him, falling in sheets of glossy flakes and wisps, a fluttering of snow rained down softly from the sky. It covered the ground in pure, crystal blankets of white and glimmering ivory, endlessly stretching across to a flat horizon in the distance. There was nothing here. Nothing but snow falling, gently brushing over his features as he stared up incoherently at the inconceivable, incredible blankness of the sky. An empty canvas of world. Snowing.

Shi blinked.

It was strange in that he was here, he could feel the snow beneath him on the ground, shiver at the touch of its icy breath, the digging of tiny flakes against his plating. Strange that his exhaust vented out in shuddering balls of puffed cloud, but he couldn't hear it. There was no sound here.

Silence looming over, everywhere. No sound.

He got up, wincing as he did, the ice sheet under him scraping the plating of his palms. No sound of it, though. Not his clothes when they rustled, not the sound of his breath, no heartbeat. Even the falling snow didn't contribute a whisper.

And he was aware. So very aware.

There was nothing.

Except now there was something. Shi stood up, vibrant optics darting around the winter wasteland. Nothing but him, the cold, the wind, and the silence. And something else. He could feel it as sure as his skeleton was in his frame, like he was just as a part of the ground tread upon by the something. It was... disturbing.

It was coming – and now he could see it.

The dark figure on the horizon, shimmering from nothingness into existence, the absurd way a dream works – and even as he thought that, Shi recoiled at the knowledge he could think in this, knew it was a dream, knew it was illogical and strange. Realized he was aware.

Wrong. So very wrong.

And the name that passed over his lips, not echoing at all in the stillness, not even being heard – but still said – that name was wrong, too. The one he craved, the person he needed, and it was horrible, disgusting, but he said it, and it was wrong.

"Skull."

And it was wrong. Skull was in his dreams – again – and this time, he couldn't be sure. Was this a good dream? Or was it going to hurt this time, was it going to be painful? Because even if he didn't remember after waking, in the dreams he recalled every wretched detail of the last.

He dreamt of good things with Skull. Forbidden, horrible, couldn't take it, wasn't right, but God, he had to dream about them. Couldn't stop his own young, traitorous mind from playing the scenes out, the bittersweet yearning reaching out.

There were the bad ones, though. Harsh words, hatred – the easiest to assume, because Skull showed the most potential there.

This didn't feel like either of those kind of dreams, though. This felt as ripe and rough as reality, although it couldn't possibly be.

Shi shuddered in the stillness of the cold air. Wrapped his arms around himself, tightly, clutching the frozen cloth of his shirt and watching silently as the figure drew closer, gliding across the surface of the ground effortlessly. It was definitely Skull, physically visible now. The flare of his throat glinting hotly as he bowed his head, hands shoved in the dark pockets of his black trench coat.

Shi's engine caught nervously. He didn't like this.

So wrong. So wrong.

Sometimes the dreams were different when he finally shut himself down for another night. There were times they confused him when he bothered to consider their impractical realness, and the strange new order or twist that would accompany the new ones.

There were always new things, different ways, but they always, always ended the same.

He didn't believe in basing your life on a dream. Dreams were merely the workings of a mind's unconscious. There was no truth to them.

Sometimes, though, he couldn't help but think of the silence. The feel of the snow in his back. Touching the soft fabric of his shirt, all something understood, all clear and sharp in his mind, unreliable as it seemed to be.

These were no ordinary dreams, even he knew that. Didn't acknowledge it, but he knew. Shi remained cruelly, even in dealing with dreams, a person of logic and intellect. Knowledge held the power, the final key to everything, restoration of the mind.

He didn't believe in the dreams. They only ruled his sleep.

"Skull." Was it supposed to be this cold, he wondered, in a dream? Was his voice supposed to not be heard, even though he felt like he was screaming the words? It was all Shi could do to resist the urge to bolt, to demand an answer he knew wouldn't come.

And the figure who looked like The Skull but yet wasn't him... who knew if he even had an answer to give.

The snow fell in spades around him, and he wished he could at least hear the sound of "Skull" idling. If it really was The Skull. The figure was before him then, gazing into his eyes, and it seemed all fragmented and ordered at the same time. Like a hopelessly messed up math equation, all the pieces there in their correct formation, but every way it was supposed to go together was shattered.

"Skull?"

The teenager reached for Shi's arm, and it was so wrong. So wrong.

"I... Skull..." And by the time the words were out of Shi's vox, the taller teenager was gripping his arm tightly, fingers like icy clamps just over his elbow. Holding on so tightly that his fingers dug into copper plating, so badly that it hurt and brought sharp tear pricks to Shi's eyes without his permission.

"Sk—"

And then The Skull, the dream Skull of impossibilities, swept down and forced his lipless mouth over Shi's own – taking, demanding, harsh. And there was nothing in him except resistance – the dark eyed teen jerked back away from the Becile's mocking kiss, felt the sharp hiss of pain leave his vox rather than hear it. His arm hurt.

He stepped back, tugging his arm out of Skull's grip quickly, and raised a hand to his sharp mouth. Frowned. Shook his head a few times. It hurt for Shi to think, to breathe, all was silent... so wrong...

"Who are you? What's going on?" he whispered. "You aren't –”

And that was all he said, as Skull's hand reached out with lightening accuracy –

And ripped through his chest.

And the oil fell around in silent streams of slick ebon. And the world of white snow spun softly around Shi's gaze, darkening into nothing. And the face of The Skull, the one he trusted and loved and hated, stared down at him in calm fascination, the most hideous of betrayals. Inevitable.

And yet, for him, Shi’s core, his heart was...

His... and it was...

The snow... was cold...

And even though he couldn't hear it –

Shi started to scream.

He woke.

There was an easy explanation of what the dream could obviously mean – in fact, so many obvious ones that it would not have taken a child to discover them. The fear of betrayal, of pain and rejection. The knowledge of how it would turn out. The unpredictability.

Shi was not a child. Neither was he in any means stupid or blind. If he allowed his head to admit the dreams were starting to become a problem in reality, he could have easily discovered the true root of them all. However, as known, Shi is a creature of logic and reason – and he ignored the dreams with a determination that would have made his father, resolute and so determined to logic, incredibly proud.

It had to stop.

Tomorrow, they graduated; he couldn’t imagine living the rest of his life waking with a scream building in his vocals. Couldn’t bear the idea of this lingering on one more day. He hated the idea of this being left untied, loose, something undone and regrettable.

He turned over on his bed, listening to the reassuring sounds of the frame groaning, his engine rumbling, exhaust hissing. Already the dream was losing its potency, it’s ability to shake, but he hated that his throat still felt tight with the noise he’d dreamed of belting out.

It had to stop.

Tomorrow, he decided, it would.

[iviaggidianica]

giorno uno: metropolitan panic & luxury fashion stores

My flights were not pleasant, but not abhorrently intolerable. On the 5 hour stint I watched Vox Lux (weird & unnerving) and then some of The Princess Diaries (familiar and comforting). A chicken curry & pot of ice cream later, I managed to get myself on a skybus to the right terminal, and after asking for help at an info centre (yep I did actually ask), I went to the next gate. I passed Amy Ross on the way, who was going to the USA - an unlikely coincidence!

On the 12 hour flight I was determined to sleep the entire time but drifted in & out due to meals, coldness, discomfort and turbulence. I would wake up every time thinking ‘surely it’s time to get off now’, but alas. There was some passive aggressive gentle elbowing of the large old man sitting beside me encroaching on my personal space, and at one point some orange juice went flying as I knocked it in its holder in my attempt to get comfortable. That’s about as descriptive as a 12 hour flight can get.

Arriving in Milan was the part I was most anxious about. I stood in the passport line for about 30 minutes, awfully dehydrated. Eventually got in, stood at the wrong baggage collection for an embarrassing amount of time, traipsed through the airport to find the Malpensa Express and kissed goodbye to £13 to buy tickets. On the train we passed lots of green shrubbery, crumbling graffitied walls, yellow painted houses, and then all of a sudden we hit the city.

I walked around for almost an hour trying to find the hotel which was purportedly 10 minutes away from the station (it was, just not when you factor in the incompetence of Google Maps). I asked a man at a fresh drinks vendor & a lady in a chemist for some vague Italian-inflected directions, clinging onto every ‘sinistra’ and ‘destra’ I picked out, and eventually pulled my case up the stairs to reception. Proceeded to have a major panic as I couldn’t find my passport hidden in my bag lining - an Australian Consulate building flashed before my eyes in those few moments - and then entered my...room. A sink, bed, table, window, fan - a single toilet and shower located down the hall. Not going to lie - after my disheartening rigmarole throughout the city trying to find the place, running on few hours sleep and little food/water, the room was the yucky little cherry on top. I called Mum, which of course made me feel better, and pulled myself together.

(Already a MESS!)

(The holy fan)

(View from my room)

I contacted a girl, Aaliyah, who I met at UWA at the leaving meeting. I suggested we have dinner together, and so we planned to meet at 3PM at central station to go to Duomo. I was very nervous considering I’d only talked to her for all of 20 minutes in the past.

Whilst waiting for 3 to roll around, (it being around 12 at this point) I decided to walk to the station to have lunch before meeting her. The following sentence will not please Tonya: after wandering around and mainly just being unable to understand the cuisines/prices/formality of the restaurants & cafes, I stumbled into Maccas. And I felt a strange sense of peace, as even the interiors are exactly the same as at home. I ordered a burger, proud of myself for understanding Italian, and then walked to find somewhere else to sit as Maccas was packed with hungry travellers with suitcases. (Quality report: both the chicken and the bread bun in Italian McDonalds, it seems, are actually real).

I had really over-estimated the amount of time I would need to eat one burger. So I walked back to my hotel as a practice run, so that I wouldn’t endure that horrific goose chase from the beginning of the day again. Ended up resting in my hotel for a bit more and then went out to properly meet Aaliyah.

Was still early. And Aaliyah a little late. And my phone charge dying. Went and read some non fiction books about space and time in a shop at the station, called Mum again to express my nervousness, and then went to sit firstly near the steps that go down to the metro, before a cigarette-smoking bogan family drove me to another more isolated bench (more first impressions of Milan as a city in a moment).

Finally went down into the bowels of the metro, pretending to know what I was doing by walking fast and swerving at the appropriate signs. It was surprisingly easy. I bought tickets from a tobacco shop, where the Italian man was more than willing to help and graciously wished me a wonderful day. “Grazie” is beginning to roll off the tongue like second nature now, ah yers.

Aaliyah’s train would stop at my station, and then would go straight on to Duomo. I waited for Aaliyah at the tracks, but due to bad coordination I got ON the train and she got OFF to meet me. It was quite funny. Then when we arranged to just meet at Duomo, meaning she had to follow me a few minutes after on a separate train, she accidentally got off on the stop after. Truly a comedic sequence of events. Once she took a train back in the opposite direction we met beside a massive regal horse statue directly in front of the Duomo which probably has great significance which I’m overlooking. Stepping out to see the cathedral, in fact, wasn’t so much of a “wow, there’s the cathedral!” moment, but just a blind frenzy of trying to find a “girl who looks like a cow”, as Aaliyah self-described her animal-print outfit.

We met and were immediately barraged by street sellers, coming up to us and tying rainbow strings - yes, strings - around our wrists in the name of ‘peace and love’, and then asking for money. As Aaliyah is originally from Sudan, many African sellers sucked up to her, giving her discount offers. But we declined the £20 carriage ride and professional photography in front of the cathedral.

We took some pictures ourselves (better ones of me fully standing there, plus us together, are with Aaliyah and will come through at some point. These don’t do justice and I’m making weird faces, I know).

(You asked for pics with my face in them, this is what you get)

Then we went to the Duomo shopping place, which was art in itself. Looked a lot like the Melbourne arcades, but...far more impressive. We went inside the luxury stores including Prada, Chanel, Georgio Armani, Michael Kors, etc...and I suppressed my shock as Aaliyah seriously contemplated buying her parents £300+ gifts. And she probably will end up going back and doing so.

(Aaliyah + me looking like I’m grimacing, because that’s what happens when your phone is on the lowest possible brightness setting and you can’t see yourself.)

The shop assistants are SO friendly. They obviously want to sell you things, but they take a legitimate interest in you. The man in Georgio Armani talked to us about Australia & growing up in Italy & our respective interests in fashion & his fear of flying - it feels like you can just make friends with anyone and everyone in Italy. Nobody really keeps to themselves. This is great, but also a bad thing when you’re running on maybe 5 hours of sleep over 2 days and being friendly seems like the biggest chore on earth. 

Aaliyah went and got prescriptions for Ray Bans, as you do, whilst I thankfully sat on a couch and pretended to go on my phone - pretended, because it was now on 5% and I was desperately trying to preserve power for my journey home. Here is an unnecessary pictorial documentation of this incident.

We went to a pizza place someone had recommended Aaliyah, got some large slices, then went and sat inside McDonalds (don’t worry, it was just a place to sit). Then Aaliyah accompanied me to the station so I could go home, around 7:30PM; but then the most bizarre thing occurred.

A man with spiked up hair walking hurriedly suddenly stopped as and said something in Italian, to which we responded ‘parlo inglese’ and continued on our way, but then he started asking for directions for somewhere, or asking us if we knew something, and then suddenly said he worked for a modelling company and we were both really great candidates and there was going to be a party at a well known club in Milan (Aaliyah knows of it) and wants us to come, and because Aaliyah had been receiving compliments all day from shopkeepers etc for her appearance I wasn’t so much doubtful of that compliment, but it was dodgy how he stopped us randomly and didn’t even seem to know what he was talking about at first. He continued for about 20 minutes and Aaliyah showed genuine interest whilst I was thinking nononono ALERT, and in the end it ended up sounding actually real but no way my spiky haired friend. He’s going to send Aaliyah an invite for it, so she can go along and have fun - not I sir!

We parted ways and I felt very snazzy remembering how to do the whole ride back, and then walking back to my hotel without any Google prompts at all. 

Now, first impressions of Milan: an ultra-busy Fremantle. Humid and hot, you can’t walk far without putting on a sweat. Metro lines, trams etc are very efficient, if a little ill-labelled. The people are all very extroverted, happy to talk, and happy to translate. Friendships could be made from a 5 minute ride on the metro - something impossible in Perth. There is an eclectic cultural mix, with many Indians, Africans, Muslims. All the business men always look like they’re off the cover of GQ with blue suits and slick cosmopolitan haircuts. There are many gracious, slender looking women, but mainly the girls all have that curly hair black rimmed glasses sportswear look. Everyone always looks like they have somewhere to go, and are going in confidence.

I wrote the following summation of the day about halfway it:

Throughout the entire journey thus far, I’ve found myself constantly asking the question: “why am I doing this?”. I don’t know if this is a normal thing to think. I just hope I can start to feel a bit less overwhelmed.

Yet at the same time, I haven’t really registered that I’m in Italy; anywhere of particular note. In that sense, I’m both numb and also overwhelmed at the same time. I’m looking forwards to Uni, where there’ll be plenty of English-speaking people to feel comfortable with.

A good sleep & food should restore me.

...and whilst today was by no means perfect and there were a lot of bad moments, I feel somewhat more hopeful tonight.

Now, let’s see if these posts will continue at this length, or at all!