#and ever since then gum has grossed us out how the Hell does that happen

[euclydya]

2, 3, and 11 :}

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

hmmm,... Electrochem says chocolate but I prefer lollipops tbh!

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

we actually don't eat breakfast! We sleep in too late for that Auaiaksjdjfn on the rare occasions we Do though it's usually a breakfast bowl or something. Idk eating too early makes our stomach hurt tbh

-Vol

[thetriggeredhappy]

scout likes sniper but can't help but blush and go awkward when he sees it

me, who saw a very pretty girl with bitchin’ tattoos and temporarily forgot how to speak english for about five minutes today: ha check out this fuckin loser having’ crushes and stuff..... ha what a fuckin goobus

(no warnings)

-

He really did legitimately hate the fact that he always made such an idiot out of himself in front of people he liked.

Like, he had literally no problem just hooking up with people. Absolutely no shame. See someone good-looking, walk up, ask them if they wanna bang, either get slapped or get in a car. He didn’t feel even a little bit bad about it, he was just being really honest about exactly what it was he wanted. And plenty of people respected that he wasn’t one to play stupid games.

The issue was that as soon as he got like, more than moderately invested before he could cut to the chase, he was absolutely fucked.

Miss Pauling was a great example. The situation surrounding him first meeting her was such a whirlwind and so weird that he didn’t really get a chance to ask her out, and so he’d just sorta been left to stew on it, and then he got cheesy. Started thinking about all kinds of romantic shit. And that was a complete fuckin’ mess for like, literally years until he found out she was seeing some girl and promptly stepped off because he was a hopeless romantic, not an animal.

And that had like, sucked, but at least he was functional. He only saw Miss P like, on the monthly maybe, and usually just over the phone or whatever and not in person. At least he could spend the vast majority of his time being exactly as much of a doofus as he usually was and not just a hoppy sappy mess.

But then. Oh, but fucking then.

He glanced in his periphery as subtly as he could, popping his gum to try and just for a second act natural, so frustrated with himself over how warm his face had gotten all of a sudden.

It was especially frustrating because like, it had kinda snuck up on him, all the gross heart-fluttery crap that always came along for the ride whenever he got a thing for someone. And he hadn’t really pieced it together for such a long time, but then one thing happened and everything cracked wide open all at once and now he couldn’t even just sit through the team meeting without—

Sniper moved to tug on his own hat idly, nudging his shades up his nose the millimeter or two they’d slid down since he last adjusted them maybe a minute and a half previously, and Scout had to force himself to stop looking at the guy for like ten seconds. And ten seconds was exactly how long he lasted before he was looking over again.

It sucked. Like, he’d gone years and years just kinda letting Sniper do his thing—the guy clearly just wanted to be left alone, didn’t want to be bothered with their shenanigans, so he really didn’t ever see Sniper around much. Barely knew the guy beyond like, some very basic stuff. And he kinda got the impression at first that Sniper was actually just way too cool for him to talk to, a hired assassin from fuckin’ Australia of all places, beyond skilled and into intimidating in his particular practice, maybe a little scary in the few interactions Scout caught him in during battle.

And he was like, more an idea of a person than an actual person, for those reasons. Scout didn’t really think much about what he had to actually be like.

Then one night Scout woke up around 3 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep and he decided to just go grab a snack from the kitchen to try and maybe squeeze a nap in before he was meant to be awake at 6:30, and he’d walked in and seen Sniper standing there.

Sniper was pretty professional in all interactions Scout ever had with him. Only ever showed up in the base proper in full uniform, and while he wasn’t like, Medic or Spy levels of crisp clean-cut, he still always at least looked put-together. But now Scout was confronted with the concept of what Sniper wore for pajamas, something he’d only ever thought about once or twice before, and was now suddenly witnessing.

Sweatpants, apparently, and a sweater. Green and grey, knitted. Socks. No hat or sunglasses, which was weird enough that it actually kind of took Scout a second to understand who he was looking at.

Sniper looked up at him when he walked in, and Scout knew he probably looked like hell, but Sniper didn’t look all that much better. He seemed pretty tired, and Scout watched as he visibly tried to sort himself out, standing up straight and squaring his shoulders a little, leaning less heavily on the counter.

“Uh, sup,” Scout said, and walked over to the fridge, deciding to just kinda play it cool and like he was totally anticipating that someone might be in the kitchen at 3 AM, and also that it wasn’t weird that he was in the kitchen at 3 AM.

“...‘llo,” Sniper mumbled, and glanced back down at what he’d been doing before Scout showed up.

Eating cereal, apparently, the bland wheat garbage that about half the team usually put up with, he and Pyro being the ones who tended to go for the more sugary brands. Scout occupied himself with trying to sift through the over-stuffed fridge for something he could feasibly eat, deciding not to stare.

But the silence was pretty painful. He didn’t like silence, it always felt almost itchy to stand there and not say anything when there was someone like five feet away, so he broke it after a few seconds. “Doesn’t it get hot in that?” he asked, not looking over at Sniper.

A pause long enough that Scout was half convinced Sniper was just going to ignore him, but he did end up speaking. “Gets cold at night. ‘Specially out there, it’s... warmer in the base,” Sniper murmured. “Used to it being warm, besides.”

“Fair,” Scout shrugged, pulled out a container, glanced at it, put it back. “Probably hotter in—“

“Australia, yeah,” Sniper agreed, in a tone that implied he’d heard that a hundred times before.

“It’s summer there right now, right?” Scout asked, pulling out a different container and scowling when he saw Engie’s name on it, begrudgingly putting it back.

“...Yeah.”

Scout finally found a leftover Chinese takeout box that he was at least reasonably sure was his own, and moved over to the microwave, dropping the leftovers on a plate and putting in some random amount of time, aware he’d just be stopping the microwave when noises started happening anyways. He glanced back over at Sniper. Sniper wasn’t looking at him. “That’s a cool sweater, though,” Scout finally said.

“Thanks,” Sniper said into his bowl. “It’s, er...”

There was a very long silence as Scout waited for Sniper to finish his sentence and he didn’t. He popped the microwave open to check on his leftovers. Not warm enough. He closed it again, turned back around. Kept waiting.

Apparently Sniper did decide to finish his sentence eventually. “It’s wool. From... back home,” he said, voice still quiet.

“Huh?” Scout asked, a little confused.

Sniper finished his bowl, put it on the counter next to him. Scratched at the back of his neck. Without the hat it was much more obvious how Sniper’s hair just kinda flipped up in the back, and how unruly the rest of his hair was as well, even deliberately brushed back out of the way. “Family’s sheep farmers,” he finally said.

Scout’s eyebrows rose. “Yeah?”

Sniper nodded. “We don’t... spin the wool, some other bloke does that, but we get to sell the yarn at least. Usually m’parents keep at least a little bit. Mum knits. Gives... gloves and the like to any kids in town.”

“She made that too?” Scout asked, glancing the sweater up and down again. “Jesus, how long did that take?”

Sniper shrugged. “Week, maybe two.”

“That’s pretty cool.” Scout scratched at his arm as a memory occurred to him. “Only sweaters I ever had were hand-me-downs from my brothers, itchy as all fuck. They never wanted to pass down the softer ones.”

Sniper nodded at that. “Makes sense.”

There was a long silence then, in which Scout finally noticed his food was starting to make popping noises and he pulled it out. Mostly hot, some cold bits in the middle, but he grabbed a pair of chopsticks from the drawer of assorted utensils and stirred it around so it was more even. It was just noodles, so it didn’t matter much.

“Late dinner,” Sniper said, almost managing to make it sound like a joke.

“Early breakfast,” Scout shot back, nodding at the cereal bowl and stirring his food around a bit more.

Sniper tilted his head in a vague sort of agreement, going quiet again. Scout started eating, and winced a little at how some noodles were weirdly dry and others were goopy, but hey, beggars couldn’t be choosers.

Silence again, but at least Scout could keep himself occupied with eating instead of thinking about it.

“You know how to use chopsticks?” Sniper finally asked, surprising Scout a little bit. He glanced up.

“Yeah, duh, who doesn’t?” Scout scoffed.

Silence for a second. “I don’t,” Sniper said.

Scout looked up again, befuddled. “Man, are you serious? I learned that when I was like, five,” he prodded.

Sniper shrugged, looking away again. “Just never learnt. Never really had to, didn’t come up.”

“Fuckin’, learn how to use chopsticks, man. What’re you waiting for, a written invitation?” Scout joked.

“Eh. I’ll get to it,” Sniper shrugged again, and rubbed at his eye, and suddenly it hit Scout how much of a human being Sniper was. Standing there in a sweater his mom knit for him, eating cereal at three in the morning, admitting that he just never learned how to use chopsticks.

What the fuck, Sniper was just a regular dude who happened to be in their line of work.

What the fuck.

(He did look pretty good out of uniform, huh—?)

And that was it for him, a series of back-to-back realizations compounding until he realized how good-looking Sniper was, even rumbled at three in the morning under the shitty fluorescents of the kitchen—especially like that. And he felt his face go burning hot, and he dug into his noodles to try and cover it, and he almost choked on his food.

Absolute fucking mess.

And like—now Scout was noticing all kinds of tiny little things. Sniper always crossed his legs at the ankle, left-over right, and his arms right-over-left. He had a bruise on his thumb from jamming it on his rifle, and his shades were crooked a little tiny bit to the left, and his hair was all flippy-uppy in the back but there was this one lock of hair that was especially flippy-uppy. He didn’t put anything in his coffee like an absolute monster but did put just a little bit of sugar on his cereal, apparently. He kept nodding off during meetings but nobody else seemed to notice since he had the shades on and you had to be looking pretty closely and from roughly Scout’s angle at the table to see his eyes were closed, and he didn’t have any other tells besides his jaw being a little tight.

Twice so far he’d been asked by Medic if he had a fever, he was blushing so hard. At once point Demo had dunked on him a little bit about “zoning out” and “thinkin’ about someone special, probably”, and he’d only barely escaped by rolling his eyes and rolling with the joke instead of getting defensive. He’d gotten mysteriously more clumsy in front of the team at large, fumbling and tripping over his words and even stammering sometimes. He was such a goddamn sappy mess.

God. He was so fucked.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #423

“i won’t think about you when i’m older  /  ‘cuz we never really had our closure”

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My late grandmother's husband stayed overnight when he was driving from New York to Florida or the other way around, idr. How many long term relationships have you been in? Two. Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? My snake's heat lamp stays on. Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? My dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I don't think I've even heard one of her songs. Do you know your blood type? A-. Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. Have you got your period at the moment? I haven't had my period since I started TMS. It's honestly so fucking frustrating that it obviously had an effect on my body, but not my depression. I've officially finished TMS as of a few days ago and now I just feel so void of hope. Have you ever been pregnant? No. How old were you when you first went on a plane? Idr, I was a little kid. Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Not me personally, but my parents have for my education that I threw away. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life regardless. When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never been. Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? Happiness. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? I have not. How many bedrooms are in your house? Three. Are you smart about computers? Not really, no. Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? Yes. My sister loved them, so we have a few. Do you own a Xbox 360? No. I'm a PlayStation girl. Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No. I'd be mortified. So, do you need a nap? I really should take one. I slept like... maybe three hours last night. I was up most of the night having a fucking life crisis. What would you rather be doing? Something fun. What sport are you the best at? I haven't touched any sort of sport since I was a teenager. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you complain a lot? Kind of, but I generally try to keep it in surveys nowadays. I'm just tired of shit. Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Ohhh, tough pick, but I've gotta say the ancient temple. Do you like fruity or minty gum? Both, really. Are you looking forward to any day of this month? Well July is practically over, so I'll answer for August. I'm looking forward to my nephew's birthday. Have you ever gotten detention? A few times for getting too many morning tardies in high school. Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? Definitely. Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Powerwolf did recently. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why meerkats do not make good pets whatsoever. Do fucking not get one. I can barely fathom how it's legal in some countries. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I've gagged. Who is your best guy friend? Girt. What do you two do when you hang out? Mostly just watch TV and play board games. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? I dunno, really. Do you even like horror movies? I love horror movies. Do you live in the country? I wish I still did. :/ Me and Mom hate hate hate living in these suburbs. What is your favorite accent? British. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Pepsi is gross. What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I was literally in the psych hospital for my 21st birthday lmao. It's kind of a painful memory, but I also won't forget the love and kindness people showed me. I especially remember the friend I made there getting the lunch lady to literally go and buy me a slice of cake. Everyone also sang happy birthday to me and gaaaah I'm getting emotional. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That was my dad's drink of choice when he drank. Do you take a lot of pictures? Unless I have my camera and am somewhere pretty, no. What kind of face wash do you use? Water, lol. Does drama always seem to follow you? Nah. Does anybody in your family race? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” Uhhh... I want to say $2 or something? I might be way off, idr. How long do you want to live with your parents? I WISH I could have moved out with an s/o already, but that's just not how life's worked out. Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop. Do you like your parents? I love them. Do you secretly like someone? It's not a secret, no. Would you ever date your best male friend? Tried that once and it didn't work out. I liked him more as like a brother. What are you currently listening to? "Better Than Me" by Hinder. I really need to turn it off, but I can't make myself. Do you want to be single? I really wish I had a partner to love and motivate me to strive to do better, but I know it's better I'm single right now. I'd just relive the Jason situation, I'm sure. I'd just drag the person down and lose them. Did you go out or stay in last night? I'm almost always at my fucking house not doing shit, so. Have you pretended to like someone? No, that sounds pretty stupid... How is your heart lately? Hurting. A lot. Are you wearing socks? I hate wearing socks and I'm in bed anyway, so no. What do people call you? Britt, mostly. Do you get stressed out easily? VERY. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What is wrong with you right now? Where the hell to begin. Do you own something from Hot Topic? A lot. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With someone, so long as the bed is big enough to comfortably fit two of us. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No. I'm certain he wants nothing to do with me. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Sadly. Did you get any compliments today? Definitely not. I look and feel like a wreck right about now. There's nothing to praise me about. Have you ever gone to a beach? Many times. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Unless it was an edible, no. I'd do almost anything to try and make me feel better right now, even if just for a little while, but I'm unwilling to smoke anything. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? HELL no. Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Honestly, no. Do you have long nails? No; I never do because I have an awful habit of picking at them. Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. Do you generally look nice in photos? HA. Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? No. What colour are your father’s eyes? They're dark brown. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Ozzy, duh. Name three facts about your family? We're very, very spread out geographically, some of us (in other words, me) are emotionally distant, and uh... idk. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Only if it was a certain person, our lives were more on track, and we were making plans for either of us to move soon. What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? Probably this really long letter my mom wrote for me on my bday a couple years ago. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? I played the flute for many years, all through middle school and through much of high school. Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Carve pumpkins, for sure. Do you think you’re important? I don't fucking know. Probably not. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Idk. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? *hands over thick book* Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. My hands are way, way too shaky to ever accomplish that. Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. What was the first thing you ate today? Well, I was seriously depression-eating last night, way past midnight, and had a peanut butter sandwich. If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? LET'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT RIGHT NOW. If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? "Falling apart." I've lost direction, motivation, strength, hope, just everything. What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? I need a fucking shower so bad that it's embarrassing. I just can't move. I have no energy, emotionally or physically. I just can't make myself do it. Is there anything that you wish you could take back? So, so badly. What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Actually reaching goals. Losing weight. Healing my legs. Knowing with certainty that I wasn't emotionally abusive to Jason. Moving out of this town and back into the country. Financial stability. A job I thoroughly enjoy. I could go on, but let's not. If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? God, let me take back shit I said in that fucking letter to you-know-who. It's so hard to believe I once thought it perfectly justified and realistic. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't have any plans of changing the style in the foreseeable future. I want to color it BADLY. To just SOMETHING. Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? I'm like, a lightning-fast typist. Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No; my best friend in HS was, though. Her GPA was fucking insane. I was in the top percentile, though, so I was up there. What the hell happened to that girl. How many drugs are in your system? If we're including prescriptions, a whole hell of a lot. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Jack shit. Like usual. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you call anyone baby? Excluding my pets, no. What’s your current mood? lol if you've gotten this far reading, you can make an educated guess. Do you think you are a good person? Bro I just don't know. What were you doing before filling out this survey? I was playing WoW. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 4:30 or so. When was the last time you cried really hard? I wanna say like a week ago? Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. It still badly needs a trim, though.

[originofjaehyun]

Interlude: No More Drama | Part 9 | Love Song

Interlude: No More Drama Masterlist

Word count: 3,900

Warnings: Angst, language

Part 9 | Love Song

“My steps keep slowing down, I can’t stop, I can’t stop this feeling.”

Prev • Next

You thought you were going to spend only the first night at Doyoung’s, but he insisted you to stay.

“It’s not like I’m lusting over you or I want you to stay with me forever.”

“Doyoung that’s disgusting.”

“Exactly, but now that I know how powerful his family is, I’m not going to let you stay on your own. Jaehyun knows your place, and with his connection, he probably already know mine.”

“Jaehyun won’t do anything that would harm me.”

“Look, I know you love him and I’m sorry for judging him that way but it’s better to be safe than sorry, [Y/N]. At least you’re with me, and I can feel a bit more relaxed.”

You couldn’t argue with him. Who knows, his father might already ask his man to follow you around. Also, you agree with Doyoung about the fact that Jaehyun knows your place. It would probably be best to talk things through, as what you always do with him, but your heart is incapable of even meeting him after the heartbreak. It’s already hard enough for you to leave him behind without any explanation, and it’s going to be even harder if he confronts you.

“Stay for at least a week. Or would you rather hear live porn from Hanbyul and Mingyu’s room?”

“Dude, gross! They’re your friends for fuck’s sake.”

Doyoung laughed, “See, it’s better if you stay with me.”

“Just promise me you won’t bring anyone while I’m here.”

“Never thought you were the jealous type.”

“I don’t have a fetish of hearing other people fucking each other, Doyoung.”

He snorted, “You know I’m not seeing someone. Now clean up before we go to the supermarket to buy your essentials.”

That is how you ended up moving temporarily to Doyoung’s apartment. Although Doyoung said it will be OK if you become his housemate, you don’t want to keep bothering him, knowing that he’s still single. You don’t want to be the other woman when Doyoung finally found his significant other. While you still have to pay your apartment’s rent, you were thinking of paying your stay, which he rejected instantly.

“[Y/N], we’ve been best friends for years. I’m more than capable of paying this apartment all by myself. Don’t worry about it.”

“But the utility bill is going to be doubled, Doy. At least let me pay that much.”

He shook his head, “Just treat me for dinners and drinks occasionally. That’s the only payment I accept.”

You finally gave up. Doyoung is a stubborn man, once he made up his mind, it will be a miracle to ever change his decision. 

“Take a week leave first, [Y/N].”

“A week?! I thought you know how busy I am?”

“Look at yourself. Do you think you can concentrate on your work?”

Thank God it was Sunday. You spent all night crying. Doyoung opened his bottle of Soju, and the alcohol helped you to be less tense. You told him everything, how heartbreaking it was to see Jaehyun’s face. The disappointments. How his face was painted in sadness when you left him, and how it was equally painful for you.

You really do love Jaehyun, and you would probably always will. 

But the fear took the best of you. Who would’ve thought your significant other is involved in a world that you could never imagine was real. Of course, you saw articles and news about illegal transactions, but not in a million years did you think it would be that close to you.

Doyoung is right. You look horrendous. Eyes are swollen due to crying, and the darkness that surrounds them, mimicking a raccoon. You’re tired, and it would probably take you a while before you could put yourself together.

“I hope Joy won’t be pissed off when her boss suddenly took a week’s leave.”

–

The first week was like hell.

While Doyoung has been the greatest best friend ever by taking you to dinner –and you finally met Yuta in the process, and he is the sweetest guy with the brightest smile– you haven’t got any proper sleep.

Jaehyun is constantly in your mind, and you always find yourself sobbing at night when you remember him. It’s even harder to fall asleep when your dream is always about him. About how both of you planned for a happily ever after, only for the dream to get dark and cloudy midway. His father would come into the picture, and point his gun at you. When you thought the bullet would hit you, Jaehyun jumped and took it for you.

This always wakes you up, hyperventilated. 

“Hey,”

You flinched, didn’t expect Doyoung to come without knocking. Not that he has to, this is his house anyway and you don’t mind him at all.

“Sorry, I heard you were grunting.”

“You weren’t sleeping?” Your voice was cracking, due to the fact you were just awake a few seconds ago.

“No, I just finished binge-watching Succession.” He said while he approached you, and saw the tears that are apparent at the corner of your eyes. “Another nightmare?”

You slowly nod, “It’s getting worse, Doy. Every night the dream seems to be more vivid.”

Your best friend gave you a deep meaningful look, genuinely concerned. “It’s just a dream, [Y/N]. Everything’s gonna be alright. You have me, and Hanbyul, too. I think Yuta has a thing for you too.”

“Oh come on Kim Doyoung, I just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago.” You jokingly punched him in his arm, replacing the grim atmosphere with chuckles.

“There you go, don’t be all somber and mushy, that’s not the [Y/N] I know. You became so gloomy I got shivers, you know? The last time you were this emo was when you were so in love with Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys.”

“That was a long time ago, OK!”

All the sorrow seems to melt away like snow in spring, relieving you from all the distress inside your brain. You felt grateful for the presence of your best friend, hopeful that better days will come.

That the situation would turn around somehow.

“Thanks, Doy, for being here even at my lowest.”

“Ew, since when are you this sweet?”

“Dude, I’m serious. I really mean it.”

You look at him, hoping that he can see how sincere you are. 

“Please, this is nothing, [Y/N]. I know if I were in your position –and dear Lord please don’t ever let me be in your position,”

You throw your pillow at him, finally annoyed with his never-ending jokes. He chortled before he continued, “That you’ll do the same for me. Don’t think too much about it, yeah?”

“Tomorrow is your first day of work. Make sure you rest well, I’m positive you don’t want the whole office to know that you just had a major heartbreak. Go get some sleep.”

You bob your head, agreeing. He was ready to leave your room before you realized something.

“Shit, I forgot.”

“What?”

“Tomorrow is the first Monday of the month, right?”

He nods.

“That means I have to go to NCT’s office.”

As surprised as you are, Doyoung’s eyes grow bigger, “Any chances that you can send someone else?”

“No,” You shook your head, following it by biting your nails. “I’m the PIC for this, and we’re finalizing a few important things so I have to go there myself.”

“Now, now,” Doyoung returned to where he was, sitting down next to your bed. “You are the toughest working woman I ever met in my life, OK? Remember when you used to whine because of the newbie from your office nagged non-stop about the workload? A friendly reminder, you told me that she should expect at least that much if she’s going to work at any company. What did she expect, coming to work, and having a girl talk?”

You chuckled, his remarks help to calm your anxiety.

“So yeah, you’re going to be fine even if you have to face him tomorrow. You’re meeting Johnny anyway, what is the possibility you’re going to meet him? He’s a busy man after all.”

Knowing that Jaehyun is a COO, not to mention he has his personal business, he must’ve been drowning with work, making you agree with Doyoung’s statement in a heartbeat. Your meeting wouldn’t take the whole day, so if you can wrap them quickly then you could probably avoid meeting Jaehyun.

“You’re right. Thanks, Doy.”

He lets out his gum smile, “Stop thanking me! You’re starting to freak me out!”

–

“Can I light another one?”

You politely asked Johnny whether he still got leeway for the meeting. All that left is to finalize the few details. Yet the nicotine urge seems to be a bit stronger today, as you feel like you are in need to exhale the anxiety away with another puff.

“Sure. Actually, I think I’ll smoke another one too. Too bad I can’t install a balcony at my office. If not we don’t have to go all the way here whenever we need to smoke.”

You smiled, as you ignited the cigarette that hung in between your lips. You stare at the grey smoke blankly, watching it as it fades in the air.

“Hey, uhm,”

Johnny called you, pulling you back to reality. 

“I heard it from Jaehyun.”

You almost choked, and you stared at him widely.

“I’m so sorry it happened.”

“You knew about it, Johnny?”

He nervously nods, to which you reply with a sigh, rolling your tongue over your teeth, pissed.

“God, does everyone think I’m a joke.”

“[Y/N], please, it’s not that.” He begged, scared that he might offended you. “Honestly I asked Jaehyun a couple of times already to tell you about this. But he said the timing was not right.”

“And the right timing happens to be when I managed to find it out myself?”

Johnny squinted his eyes, frustrated, “No, believe me he didn’t mean it that way. I mean, now you know how difficult his situation is.”

The dull orange at the tip of your cigarette glows as you took another drag, “Yeah, and that is the exact reason why I left.”

“You’re stronger than that, [Y/N]. I wouldn’t keep pushing Jaehyun to pursue you if you weren’t. And he loves you for that.”

“As I do, Johnny. In fact, that is the exact reason why I have to leave.”

Johnny slowly blows out a smoke out of his mouth, looking at you confused.

“I’d rather not be the extra luggage he has to carry, John. He already has so much weight on his shoulder.”

“He wouldn’t think of you as an extra luggage, [Y/N]. You know that.”

“Jaehyun would protect me, without a doubt. He’s more than capable of doing so.”

You blows out your smoke, “But do you think he would be able to stand it if I told him that I’m scared on a daily basis? I’m not going to act like a hypocrite and tell him that I’ll be fine –because I would definitely not. It scares me Johnny, his life is. And there’s no way I would lie to Jaehyun about it.” 

The look on Johnny’s eyes that were deep sienna in color marking that he could not debate with your sentences.

“Imagine if I were a part of his life, Johnny. I would constantly tell him that I’m afraid. That fear consumes me, every day. No matter how strong, how reliable he is, eventually he would break and that is the least that I would want. For my loved ones to crumble.”

Though he didn’t say a single word, you appreciate how Johnny attentively listens to you, nodding whenever you reach the full stop.

“Before it happens, I think it's best for me to leave. It is equally as painful for me, Johnny. But do I have another choice?”

Johnny refused to give you a response. He was looking down, biting his lower lip while he’s lost in his thoughts.

“You’re right,” He inhaled the final bit of his cigarette. “I mean, I’m not a part of your relationship so I guess you do know what’s best. But I’m just wishing for my friends’ happiness.”

I would love that, too.

You quietly thought inside your head, extinguishing the white stick that finally reached its end.

“And that includes you, too, [Y/N]. I might be your client at first but I think we’re close enough for me to consider you as my friend. If there's anything that I can do to make this whole breakup process more bearable, I’m just a text away, OK?”

His statement made you smile involuntarily.

“Though, I hope Jaehyun wouldn’t know. He might think that I have another agenda on you.”

The laugh finally thawed the tension away. You’re grateful that you’re surrounded with great people. Even in this situation, Johnny still tries to brighten your day, like a happy vitamin. He smoothly changed the topic on your way to his office, filling the journey with laughter.

That laughter stops once you reach his office.

The tall, pale figure that is dear to you stands up at the sight of you. He looks exhausted, and his beautiful pair of eyes no longer shine as it is now dark and hollow.

“Johnny what is the meaning of this?”

“[Y/N] please, it’s not his fault. I asked him to spare some time so I can talk to you.”

You look at him, before you shift your gaze to Johnny’s. There’s a hint of guilt from his stare, but you can tell it was mostly filled with concerns. “I’m sorry, [Y/N], I’ve promised to Jaehyun. And if I can give my two-cents, I still think it would be better if you guys talk things through.”

You slowly blink as you quietly exhale. You are in your client’s office, and you don’t want to start bawling and appear unprofessional. 

Before you can even let a single word out, suddenly someone barged in, clearly adding more tension to the room.

“Sir.” You can tell Johnny is equally unprepared with his guest.

“Father, what are you doing here?”

“Is it that absurd for a father to seek his son?”

Johnny took a glance at Donghyuck’s direction, telepathically asking him why he didn’t tell him that the founder is coming. Donghyuck just answers him with a ‘how am I supposed to act when he’s also come unnoticed?’ gesture.

While Jaehyun is pissed because his no good of a father interrupts his attempt to talk to you, he calmly asks his father. “Is there a problem, Father?”

“Oh, no, Jaehyun. You’re doing marvelous, as always.” He said, while taking a glimpse at you. “I checked your schedule and this is the only time you’re free. I asked your assistant, Jungwoo, if you’re in your office and he said I could find you at Johnny’s.”

Yeah, because I have something else to take care of.

If only his father could read and understand his mind, he wouldn’t have to act all goody two-shoes to his father. The least that Jaehyun would want is to show his family issues at the office. Knowing how his reputation means everything to his father, you know he would want the same.

“Then why is she here?”

Jaehyun asked about the female that has been standing behind his father. Someone that you never met before. She was dressed to nines, wrapping herself in Fendi’s monogram from head to toe. Her hair was strawberry blonde, flowing softly to cover her breast. Her lips were plump, but you can tell it’s artificial.

“Surely you know Kyungmi from…”

“From Hyun Ventures, yes.”

At this point you shouldn’t act like you’re surprised that Jaehyun is surrounded by big shots. Although the size of the company is not as big as NCT Corp., Hyun Ventures still managed to become the only three venture capitals originated from South Korea that made it to the top 100 venture capitalists.

“I see that you are acquaintanced.” His father says with a pleased tone. “Jaehyun, I’d like you to meet your future wife.”

His statement made you feel like the ground underneath you disappear, sinking your heart. You haven’t even recovered fully from your heartbreak, and this big of a news just added the fuel to the fire.

You don’t even care if you are considered rude, but you quickly texted Doyoung, asking him to come and pick you up as soon as possible, no longer could breath in this vexing room.

“Nice to officially meet you Jaehyun.” The woman spoke, and her voice was piercing the air. “Oh gosh, can we drop the formality? I’ve been waiting for ages to finally talk to you! Your father told me splendid things about you, like how you act like him, being the gentleman you are!”

While she was all giddy, you couldn’t help but to feel uncomfortable. You were about to pull her after-salon hair, for taking something that is yours.

Then it strikes you that he was yours, and you no longer had the right to be territorial.

Johnny noticed how uneasy you are, and he put his hand on your back, trying to ease you. It works, in a sense, with the fact that Johnny is there to support you. However, you felt like Jaehyun would need that more, seeing how tense his jaw is.

“I didn’t hear anything about this, Father. Since when do I have to wed someone?” There are trails of annoyance in Jaehyun’s tone, and he’s not making the effort to conceal it.

“Jaehyun,”  his father retaliates, voice is as cold as ice, “It is important for us to keep our relation to the Hyuns. Kyungmi is a wonderful girl. She’s well educated, takes good care of herself, and most importantly she came from a great family.”

You know his father just sarcastically said that to you. Fumes are almost apparent from Jaehyun’s head. He is ready to throw his fist to his father. He can take all the mockery, but he would not tolerate it if it is targeted towards you.

“Now,” His father cuts off, before Jaehyun is able to react. “Kyungmi, my dear, let’s have a tour at the building, shall we? Today I’ll cover the important places. After all, this will soon be yours.”

It was a cringey affection, but at least he didn’t try to cut her throat like what he did to you. Soon after, both of them left, followed by Donghyuck who guided them outside out of politeness and honestly, he’d rather escape the room that is filled with suspense.

“Johnny, can we continue our meeting via email? Or let’s postpone it to another time.”

You were choking, on the verge of tears, and unmistakably pissed. Johnny, unable to force you to stay, had no choice but agree. You rushed to pack your belongings, before Jaehyun stopped you from going.

The familiar touch.

“Let me go, Jaehyun.”

“That’s all you’ve been saying since last week, and you know I can’t.”

“You’re making it difficult for me. Please let me go.”

Your words are firm, though your tone was brittle.

“I’m making things difficult? [Y/N], you have no idea how hard it is for me spending a week without you.”

Like a volcano that’s about to erupt, all of the build up tensions in you finally explodes.

“Don’t make it as if it’s not difficult for me, Jae!” Blood rushing to your head, making your neck noticeably red. “Your father just fucking humiliates me in front of you, and that God damn future wife of yours! I bet he knows that we broke up, and that is why he purposely announce your fucking engagement right here right now to mock me!”

He never saw you snapping at him like that. He’s even more baffled when he notices the tears that start to well in your eyes.

“Please don’t cry, love.”

He leans forward to caress your cheek, which you roughly reject.

“Drop the nicknames, Jae. Save it for someone who’s more worthy of standing by your side.”

“Baby, please.” Jaehyun begs, refusing to let you go. “You know you’re the only one for me. I’ve told you millions of times and I’m ready to tell you again if I have to. You’re overlapping inside me, it’s like in my heart you’re just like a moist rain that infused me.”

You can feel the ache in your heart, and it stings. It stings because you know he meant every of his words. It stings, because you know even though the feeling is mutual, you’d wish time had better timing for you and Jaehyun.

You finally look him in the eyes, his eyes are weepy, telling you that he hopes he can change your mind.

“And leave all of these behind? All of these glory?”

You are spoken in riddles, but you know your souls speak fluently. He hesitates, and that’s enough to answer your question.

“See? You can’t, Jae. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but it would be easier if I leave.”

You were about to walk away but he tugs you back, not giving up. “[Y/N], it’s not because of the glory, or the money. I can live without either, honestly, if that could make you stay. But there’s something that I can’t let go of, not yet.”

You are confused, even with all of those layers there are still a part of Jaehyun that you didn’t know. 

“Then let me go.”

“I can’t do that, either.”

“Jaehyun, stop being so stubborn!”

“I am only stubborn when it comes to you, [Y/N].”

“And yet you can’t let go of whatever that shit is.”

You brushed him off, rushing your way to the elevator. There are a few pairs of eyes who looked at you, wondering why you ran out like someone’s about to chase your life, but you couldn’t care less.

Johnny must’ve held Jaehyun off, because he didn’t run after you immediately. You could hear him stopping him, but you were so busy running off that you didn’t pay enough attention. All you hear was Johnny telling Jaehyun not to make a scene.

You reached the lobby, and miraculously saw Doyoung’s car already stationed at the lobby. Sure, his office is only a few blocks away, but that was fast.

The tinted window from the passenger seat rolls down, and you are surprised that the driver was not your best friend.

“Yuta? What are you doing here?”

“Doyoung’s busy. We had our quarterly meeting and I was staying at his office because I’m actually not on the clock today. He told me to pick you up, he said it was urgent. Are you OK?”

“[Y/N]!”

He shouted from afar, and you don’t need to turn your back to know who’s the owner of the voice.

“Let’s go, Yuta.” You hastily enter the car, ignoring Jaehyun who sprinted to stop you.

“Are you sure? He seems like he got something to tell you.”

“Yuta, please, just drive.”

Fears that he might poke into something that is not his business, he reluctantly agrees, closing the window and just enough for Jaehyun to take a peek.

A peek of you with a man that he doesn't know, drifting away.

A/N: dun dun dun dunnn... Also, can you believe we’re only 3 chapters left?! :’’ all I can say is... it’s going to be a roller coaster ride (at least that’s how I felt when I wrote it haha)

[literaryoblivion]

October 11: Zombie (Stiles/Derek)

(Read on AO3)

“Not even if we were the last two people on Earth,” he had said, and to be honest, it was in a fit of rage and Derek had provoked him, and he never thought he’d have to be eating his words.

But, boy, was he eating them now, and they did not taste like delicious chicken.

Oh… chicken. Stiles could really go for some chicken right now.

Or anything right now. He could chew on a piece of gum and pretend it was that special Willy Wonka kind and he can shout out the flavors like the one chick who turned into a blue balloon. And the fact he is fantasizing about fictional chewing gum is sign enough that he is delusional and needs food and water and sleep.

“Derek, please tell me you found something because I don’t think I can make it much longer,” he says into the walkie talkie in his hand.

He looks out the windshield of the parked RV he’s in at the deserted and desolate town in front of him. He thinks they’re somewhere outside of Reno, so the desert-ness makes sense. All the wrecked and abandoned cars along the street though… not so much.

After a few more moments with the continued static sound of the walkie talkie, Stiles sits up a little straighter, concern coloring his tone.

“Derek?” he asks again. “Come on, dude, I know you have broody silent type on lock down, but now’s not the time to demonstrate it.”

More static.

“I swear to god, Derek, if you’re not answering on purpose, I’m shooting you in the foot. Waste of ammo be damned.”

Static.

“Shit,” Stiles says to himself. 

He looks behind him for the shotgun, grabs it and stuffs several bullets in his pockets. He slings the gun over his shoulder and grabs the bat sitting on the passenger seat and stuffs the keys and the walkie talkie in his pocket before climbing out of the RV. He shuts the door as quietly as he can and makes his way to the grocery store across the street that Derek had gone into for some food and supplies that might be useful.

He runs as quickly and quietly as he can. Loud noises attract the living and the undead, so if he can be stealthy, the better. It’s why he brought the bat, not just the gun. He gets to the front of the store, the doors pushed ajar already. He thinks about trying the walkie talkie again, but decides against it and forges ahead.

Several overhead lights are out, only a few still flickering with power. It makes the broken and near barren shelves of the store even more creepy. Well, that and the rotting, near headless corpses that are strewn about.

Stiles doesn’t even want to go in further, but Derek isn’t answering and Derek never not answers. Never.

Ever since they found each other again, after Beacon Hills was evacuated and everyone got separated or quarantined… or dead, Derek and Stiles never went more than fifteen or twenty minutes without checking in.

They were all each other had left in this world, hadn’t even found an actual living person for miles and near months (though they’d come across plenty of zombies since then). They might have found each other annoying and frustrating and loud and grumpy at one point in time, but that was before. Before everything went to shit and it wasn’t something magical or werewolf related and didn’t just affect Beacon Hills but the whole damn world.

It’s been a good thirty minutes, pushing close to forty since the last time Stiles heard Derek on the walkie, and he can feel the panic creep up his spine as he makes his way toward the back of the grocery store.

When he reaches the swinging doors to the back room, he sees Derek’s bag, a small stack of cans stacked next to it. He looks into the windows of the doors and sees the walkie on the floor just inside.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Stiles whispers. Something must have happened. Derek wouldn’t just leave the food and the walkie here.

Slowly, with his bat gripped tight in his hands, he uses it to push the doors open and shuffles in. He pauses just inside, straining his ears to see if he can hear anything, a struggle, grunting, growling. But other than the buzzing of the light fixtures that have shorted out, it’s silent.

The backroom of this store is huge, giant shelves reaching up to the ceiling, pallets and ripped boxes scattered around, most of the food is rotting, flies already swarming around what was once fresh fruit. As he gets further, there’s a sliver of light coming from what must be a back office.

He inches towards it, bat at the ready, but before he can get out of there, a shadow falls into the light and staggers. Stiles almost screams, but he keeps it inside. The shadow is shaped a lot like a dog, but it’s clearly hurt, limping down the hall. Blue eyes flash at Stiles before the dog--wolf--takes a few more steps and slowly changes back into a human. It’s painfully slow, both for Stiles to watch, but it looks like Derek is hurting too.

“Sti--” he whispers out before falling out on the ground, several feet away from Stiles.

“Fuck, Derek!” he hisses, rushing over to Derek’s side. He knows he needs to help Derek, but Derek must have been fighting something, or several somethings, to have taken his wolf form and come out looking like he’d gone 10 rounds with a meat cleaver. He can’t risk focusing on Derek if whatever it was is still lurking.

Luckily there’s only one hallway and the office, and after a peak in the office, he can confirm Derek took care of whatever the hell it was that beat him up. He can’t even tell if it’s human, werewolf, or zombie, that’s how much Derek had torn it up.

He runs back to Derek, who’s still laying on the floor, eyes closed. He’s not healing very fast these days, running on very little sleep, food, and water. His body is better than Stiles sure, but it’s not the same as it was before.

“Come on, Derek. We gotta get out of here,” Stiles says, setting his bat down and doing his best to shake Derek and pull him up from the ground. It takes a few tries to pull on his arms, but Derek finally is coherent enough to sit up.

“There’s,” Derek starts, then coughs. “Office... water.”

“You want me to go in there where you left the shreds of that thing?!”

“Water,” Derek says again, eyes fluttering open briefly before shutting again.

Stiles sighs and gets up again, leaving Derek to slump over slightly. He goes back to the office, and sure enough there’s a water cooler in the corner that miraculously still has water in it. He looks around for some kind of container and spots an upturned bowl on the desk. It’s probably gross, but it’s better than cupping his hands. He takes it and does it best to wipe it out with his hand, then puts it under the water cooler spigot and fills it up.

They should probably take the rest of it, but he’ll deal with that later. Now he has to help Derek. He carefully carries the bowl full of water to Derek, trying not to slosh too much of it over the sides as he approaches. He sets it down, trying to get Derek to sit up a little better before picking the bowl up with one hand and steadying Derek with a hand on his back as he puts the bowl to his lips.

Derek drinks, a great deal of the water running down the corners of his mouth. But he does drink some of it and it seems to help. He opens his eyes for longer and after several sips, he takes the bowl from Stiles with his own hands and gulps down more.

Once the bowl is empty, Derek seems more revived. He takes several breathes and then says, “Thank you.”

Stiles sighs, a small grin playing on his lips. “You’re welcome. Come on, we need to get out of here.”

Derek nods and gestures for Stiles to take the bowl and go get his own water. Stiles shakes his head. “I’ll find something to put the rest of it in to take with us. Need something bigger than a bowl.”

“There’s,” Derek starts, then takes a breath, “still some tupperware on the shelves.”

“That’ll work,” Stiles says as he stands up. “Can you stand?”

“Yeah. Just…” He holds his hand up to Stiles, and Stiles takes it and gets a good grip on his arm too with his other hand and pulls Derek up. Derek staggers into him a little, but when he’s steady on his own feet, Stiles loosens his grip.

“I’ll go get the tupperware and the water, you get your bag and the cans. I’ll help you carry stuff too,” Stiles says.

With a nod, they set out on their tasks, Stiles jogging to the aisle of tupperware and grabs as many as he can and stripping them of their cardboard boxes as he goes back to the office to fill them up with water.

By the time he’s gotten all of the water, not as much as he thought there was, in sealed containers, Derek’s bag is filled with all the canned items he found, what was left of the batteries, and a couple first aid kits. He hands Stiles a reusable grocery bag to put the water in, and after Derek makes sure the outside coast is clear, they jog back to the RV across the street.

~

They’re parked for the night at an out of the way state park that’s not near any civilization if there were any civilization to be near. They’ve found it’s easier, less likely they run into unfriendlies. Derek’s mostly recovered now, patched up in the places where the gashes were deep and they’re not healing as fast. He had started a small fire and was heating up a few cans of beans for he and Stiles.

They eat in silence, sounds of bugs, who are able to survive anything apparently, surrounding them, a few hoots of an owl here and there as the moon rises above them and it’s dark.

Eventually, Stiles breaks the silence by punching Derek in the arm, not the one that’s still wounded, he’s not that mean.

“Ow! What the hell was that for?!”

“You can’t do that to me ever again, you hear me? Never again. We’re going together in every possible situation and we’re checking in every 10 minutes now if we’re separated.”

Derek almost rolls his eyes except for the deadly serious look Stiles is giving him. “Stiles, I’m okay. I’m here.”

“Yeah, for now! What if you’re not so lucky next time? What if there’s a whole pack of them and you’re overpowered? What then Derek?!”

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Derek says calmly, scooting closer to Stiles. He can tell Stiles is spinning, that he’s working himself up into a panic attack.

“You can’t possibly promise that, Derek. I can’t--” Stiles voice breaks, and Derek can tell his eyes are shiny, not just from the light of the fire. “I can’t lose you, Derek. I can’t. You’re… you’re all I have left, and I refuse to let you go. You can’t go.”

The tears are flowing freely now, and Derek bundles Stiles up in his arms and holds him while he lets Stiles cry his fear and frustration out.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against Stiles’s hair. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere without you, okay? I promise.”

Stiles sniffs and nods, pressing in closer to Derek. It’s not a comfortable position, and parts of Derek still ache, but he ignores it.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Derek says after a while; it’s starting to get cold, the fire barely even there. He can feel Stiles nod against his chest and slowly push himself away to sit up. Derek takes care of kicking sand on the remaining embers of the fire while Stiles gathers their utensils.

They climb back into the RV and strip down to boxers and slip under the covers of the small bed in the back. Derek pulls Stiles in against his chest, and Stiles goes willingly, letting Derek make him the little spoon and puts himself between Stiles and the world.

When he’s positive Stiles is asleep, Derek sighs and kisses the back of Stiles’s neck and whispers into his skin, “I’m yours and by your side always. I promise.” He squeezes Stiles a little, letting his hand rest on Stiles’s chest, feeling his steady heart beat against his palm, hearing the rhythm in his ears as he falls asleep promising himself and his heart to this boy forever.

[onlovestreetwithjimmorrison]

The Doors - Halloween - 2018 story

***AUTHOR’S NOTE*** This story is in no way related to the Lavender Walls series.

The Doors - Halloween - 2018 story

It was 11am Halloween morning and Jim had just arrived at the recording studio. He got out of his blue Mustang and scratched his beard with anticipation. He reached down and grabbed the plastic bag off the the passenger seat. The bag was purple and had a smiling green monster on it and in orange letters said 'HAPPY HALLOWEEN'. He ran his hand through his long, brown hair and walked inside.

He first made his way over to Robby who was messing with his guitar. Jim knocked on the little table next to Robby, held out his bag and said, “Trick or Treat.” Robby just looked at him. Jim held his bag open and repeated, “Trick or Treat.” Robby rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket and and found some mints and a half eaten pack of M&M's. He dropped the candy in Jim's bag and glared at Jim. Next Jim wandered over to John who was behind his drum kit. Jim knocked on a cymbal, held out his bag and said, “Trick or Treat.” John reached down and found his unopened bottle of apple juice and a half eaten banana. He dropped them into Jim's bag. Jim then made his way over to Ray and knocked on his keyboard and said, “Trick or Treat.” Ray glanced from Jim to the bag and then dropped in a half eaten roll of Mentos and a pack of gum. Next Jim wandered out to where Bruce Botnick was and knocked on the wall next to him and said, “Trick or Treat.” Bruce looked up and rolled his eyes as he dropped a half eaten Snickers bar into Jim's bag.

Jim walked over to the couch and sat down and dumped out his bag. He looked through the candy and mumbled to himself, “This sucks. There's nothing good in here.” He then looked up and yelled, “You all suck! You didn't give me anything good. This shit is almost as bad as those nasty candies that the wrapper looks like a strawberry!” Robby put down his guitar and said, “What the hell do you expect when you just show up and start trick or treating at a recording studio. And your bag is lame as hell!” Jim stood up, “My bag is awesome! You are just jealous!” Ray shook his head, “Jim no one is jealous of you.

Robby walked over to Jim and said, “Why do you always do this shit? Every holiday you always do something stupid like this. Its ridiculous.” Jim said, “Just because you don't like holidays doesn't mean I can't celebrate them.” Ray said, “We understand that Jim, but you always take it too far and interrupt our work. I mean come on, labor day...what the hell was that. You grilled on stage. That was ridiculous.” Jim shrugged his shoulders as he left the room. He soon came back carrying a giant metal tub filled with apple sauce and and apples. Robby said, “What the hell is that? I thought we were bobbing for apples in booze.”

Jim looked at Robby and said, “Really...bobbing for apples in booze before 10pm? You're such a neanderthal!” John responded, “But won't we get drunk if we bob for apples in booze?” Robby said, “You are so dense! Bobbing for apples in booze is the only good idea Jim has ever had.” John looked at Ray. Ray responded, “Robby is right. It is Jim's only good idea.”

Jim threw a pencil and said, “Who wants to bob for apples in apple sauce with  me?” Robby said, “No. That's gross. I don't want to get apple sauce all over my head.” Jim shrugged his shoulders, “More for me.” He then  began bobbing for apples in the apple sauce. Ray shook his head, “Great, now we have to listen to him all afternoon whining about how sticky his hair is because its covered in apple sauce.” Robby nodded, “Yeah but still better than last year when we had to pick gummy worms out of his beard.” John looked at Jim's whose entire head was buried deep in apple sauce and said, “So I guess we're not recording today?” Ray looked at John, “You know I tried defending you but you really are just a dumb person who is paranoid and way too uptight. We'll record this afternoon once Jim gets his head out of the apple sauce.”

Jim raised his head from the metal tub filled with apple sauce. He had an apple in his mouth and apple sauce dripped from his wavy hair. He took the apple out of his mouth and said, “Gross I got some apple sauce down my shirt!”Robby said, “Your hair is covered in apple sauce, its dripping off of your beard and you're concerned about some apple sauce down your shirt?” Jim shook his head and apple sauce went flying. Ray ripped off his glasses and screamed, “Damn it Jim! Why do you have to do shit like that. Now I have to go clean my glasses because they have apple sauce all over them. You are so damn inconsiderate.”

Jim burped loudly and said, “Whatever. I need to go get cleaned up. Its lunch time and I need my Burger King.” Robby snickered, “Can you even fit through the door there anymore?” Jim ran his hand through his hair and threw a handful of apple sauce a Robby. Robby wiped the apple sauce off of his face and said, “That does it! I am sick of you and your antics!” He grabbed a bowl full of candy corn and flung it at Jim. Jim picked some up off the floor and threw it at Ray. Ray screamed, “What the hell did you do that for? I'm not the one throwing stuff at you. If you hadn't thrown that apple sauce from your hair at Robby none of this would be happening.” Jim glared at Ray, “You go on and on about being the leader of this group and you act like our father. And yet you let Robby throw crap at me. You suck Ray.”

Ray screamed, “You act like a damn child Jim! I mean bobbing for apples in apple sauce? What the hell is that? That's something a child would do. You have no manners, you burp loudly all the time and laugh about it. Its all ridiculous.” John chimed in, “And you're a slut. You are with like 3-4 different women. Its disgusting.” Everyone looked on in amazement at John. Robby said, “Since when do you say stuff like that. You never attack Jim like that. Usually its Ray and I who attack him.” John shrugged his shoulders, “I am just sick of him making me so uncomfortable. He doesn't care about me.”

Jim glared at John, “You're the weakest link in the band. You contribute nothing. You know what the scariest part of Halloween is this year? That you are still in this band!” Ray and Robby snickered. John stood up, “Just because I am the only one in this group that has any morals doesn't mean I should be picked on. I contribute plenty to this band.” Jim stood up, “You are so fucking jealous of me because girls like me no matter what and they won't even give you the time of day! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go back to my motel room and get cleaned up and get my costume ready for tonite.”

Robby looked at Jim, “Costume?” Jim nodded, “Yeah. I'm going trick or treating tonite, here in the studio was just practice. I'm going as a ghost but I need figure out where to cut the eye holes in the bed sheet. The sheet is kind of um...stained and I don't want people to be able to see the stains.” Ray rolled his eyes, “Jim that's disgusting. Instead of using that stained bed sheet from your motel room bed why not go buy a new one.” John looked at Robby and Ray, “I don't get it. Why is his bed sheet stained?” Robby said, “Figure it out man.”

It was 7pm and the three Doors looked out the window of the studio and saw Jim crossing the street with a white bed sheet over his head dressed as a ghost., carrying his purple tick or treat bag. Robby said, “I can't believe he's actually going trick or treating. He's 27 years old, he's too old to be that excited about Halloween.” Ray said, “The bed sheet looks clean, he must have got a new one.” John asked, “How come he got to leave here early if you're so against him trick or treating?” Ray responded, “Well he really didn't need to be here we weren't recording vocals this afternoon, its easier to just let him go. Besides maybe he'll be in a better mood tomorrow when we do have to record vocals.”

Jim hurried down the street eager to get started trick or treating. He ignored the comments made by his bandmates that he was too old to trick or treat. They were just jealous that they wouldn't be getting free candy or having fun. He also ignored their comments that he would be recognized. He knew with the bed sheet over his head he could go unrecognized. They were just jealous that he would be having fun tonite and they'd be stuck in a recording studio.

He came to a neighborhood and knocked on a door. The door opened and Jim held out his bag and said, “Trick or treat.” The old lady opened the door and dropped some candy in Jim's bag and said, “Aren't you a nice looking ghost! Happy Halloween!” Jim smiled under his costume and said, “Thank you. Happy Halloween to you too!” Jim knew tonite was going to be a good nite and for the first time in a long time he actually felt happy and excited about life.”

Jim continued going from door to door getting more and more candy. His bag was getting full and heavy. He sat down on the curb to rest. Other trick or treaters passed by and waved at him and he waved back and smiled even though they couldn't see his smile under his costume. He stood up and decided to go to a few more houses before heading back to his motel room.

As he was making his way back to his motel room after a successful nite of trick or treating Jim tripped and fell spilling much of his candy. He started crying, not only because he spilled his candy but because he'd hurt his hand when he fell. He looked up and saw someone approaching him. He was worried the person was going to steal his candy. The person bent down and said, “Jim, are you OK?” Jim said, “No, I'm not OK Ray. Are you here to make fun of me? You've been doing it all day.” Ray said, “I'm sorry about that and no I'm not here to make fun of you. I was leaving the studio and I saw you fall. I knew it was you because you're so close to your motel and I recognized your bag. Here let me help you.” Ray then began putting Jim's candy back into the bag while Jim sat there holding his wrist.” Jim said through his tears, “My right wrist really hurts. Will you take me to the doctor tomorrow?” Ray said, “I''ll take you now. We'll go to the hospital.” They gathered up Jim's candy and dropped it off in his motel room along with the ghost costume and then made their way to the hospital.

It was 3am and Jim was alone in his motel room, his broken wrist in a cast and a sling. He hated the sling. Even though he was given pain medicine at the hospital his wrist was still hurting really bad.  He hoped Ray would be by early in the morning with his pain meds. He hated that pharmacies were not open in the middle of the nite. Jim sat on his bed and dumped out his candy. It was harder than the thought it would be to unwrap a piece of candy using only one hand.

Jim finally decided to give up on the candy and pushed it to one side of the bed and laid down. He put his tear stained face on his pillow and tried to sleep through the pain until he could take more pain meds in the morning when Ray came back. His wrist was hurting so bad and he couldn't get comfortable. Finally he drifted off into a restless sleep.

To be continued in The Doors Thanksgiving Story.

This is Jim annoyed at being made fun of for wanting to go trick or treating.

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 9

(To listen, click here) - 12:31

Francesca can’t explain it really.  She just feels bigger.  Like she can do stuff.  That she said stuff, and Pearl even listened?  Pearl is a grown up.  Even more grown up than Jesus or Mariana or Dominique.  And she listened.  She didn’t just say Francesca shouldn’t tell adults what to do.  Pearl knew Francesca wasn’t trying to do that anyway because of consent.  Because they don’t ever force each other to do anything.  Because that’s not right.

“What about you, babe?” Dominique asks.  (Dominique is the only one who ever calls Francesca “babe.”  It’s short for “baby” but Dominique doesn’t mean it that way.  She means it like she cares.  Like Francesca matters to her.)

“Um...I never did any Feelings Laundry either…” she admits, only a little embarrassed, since Pearl already said she didn’t do it before either.

“What are you feeling the most right now?” Dominique tries.

“...Like I did a good job?” Francesca asks, like it’s a test and she might get the wrong answer.

“So, proud?” Dominique smiles.  “We’re proud of you, too.  You have really good suggestions and ideas.  I like seeing that you wanna help others.”

“Yeah, that’s a big deal, buddy.  I’m glad you’re proud.  You should be,” Jesus nods and puts his arm around her.  Francesca leans into him.  He smells like man deodorant and outside and spearmint like gum.

“I used to feel...like...kinda surprised?” she admits.  “Because I didn’t know Levi was gonna be here.  But now we’re friends.”  She smiles at him, and he peeks at her a little and smiles tiny.

“That makes sense,” Pearl offers.  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner.  I was afraid you might not wanna come.”

“Why?  Levi’s nice,” Francesca maintains.

“He is, yes.  But change is hard for people,” Pearl allows.  “Like, plans changing last minute.”

“I have a question,” Francesca says, not looking at anybody.

“Sure,” Pearl nods.

“It’s just...I think part of why I was surprised was like...I thought that friendships shrink?”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Pearl says.

Francesca looks at Dominique.  Can tell just by looking at her face that she’s listening.

“Like, one time, kids at my school were making a club with all the girls in my class.  And I came over, and one girl asked me to join in, but then another one said they already have enough people.  I thought if Levi came, one of us had to be left out.  I thought that one of us was me, probably, ���cause I’m the youngest.” Francesca admits.

“Ah,” Pearl says, like she gets it now.  “Well, it sounds like you’re describing friendship like it has a rubberband around it.  What happens when you put a rubberband around a lot of things?”

“It squeezes them together?”

“Right.  And if one extra thing stretches it too far, what happens?” Pearl asks.

“It breaks.”

“Yeah, but friendships aren’t like that.  We don’t have an invisible rubberband around us forcing us together.  We’re together because we wanna be, right?”

“So, it won’t break if I join?” Francesca asks, shy.

“Nope, there’s always room in friendship.”

“For people, not things,” Francesca remembers.

“You got it,” Jesus nods, like he’s proud of her again.

--

“Mari, do you have some feelings laundry?” Francesca asks, surprising Mariana, who has been quietly listening.

“What?” she asks.  It’s filler.  She heard the question, gets it, but the words to answer are nowhere around.

“You wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, quietly.

“Tired.  And sad…” Mariana sighs.  She hates to be a downer, but it’s the truth, and the name of the game right now seems like Truth Time.

“You can keep resting as long as you need,” Jesus encourages.

“Why are you sad?” Dominique asks, giving Mariana a few seconds after Jesus’s comment.

“It’s so different now.  Like...I’m different…  Before when I came, I had...energy.  I could have fun.  Now I’m just exhausted all the time.”  Mariana can feel Levi’s curiosity, and she’s thinking about what to say.  How much to share.  In the end, she doesn’t, because it’s so hard to even hope all the words will be there, and he’ll get it, and not just feel a bunch of pity for her.

But it’s Levi who speaks next, surprising her.  “Yeah.  It’s hard to feel different...in a place that feels so unchanged.  It’s like...jarring.”

“Yeah.”

His eyes are so sympathetic, locked on hers.  Mariana has no idea what he’s talking about personally for him, but she feels understood.   “And then if nobody knows...or realizes...it’s worse.”

“Exactly,” Mari nods.

“That’s a pretty major reason to be sad,” Levi nods.

“But I think maybe you overlooked that your roomie,” Dominique gestures to herself “considers napping one of her greatest skills.  You don’t have to nap and be exhausted alone.”

“Thank you,” Mariana nods.  “Now you,” she nods at Dominique.  

--

“Oh…  I guess...okay.  I feel…”  Dominique hedges.

The truth is, she feels put on the spot.  And is there a word for that?  Like, all eyes are on her.  Like she’s got to perform. It’s a gross feeling.  And she doesn’t know how to navigate this expectation of vulnerability when she just doesn’t know Pearl at all.  She feels like Levi would get her dilemma.  But not being able to fully trust all of the people in a space at once, makes being completely open and honest feel like being shoved off a cliff into an ocean full of sharks.

She’s relished being the foreperson here.  Calling on people to share.  Explaining things.  Kinda running them.  But to share herself?  Well, that feels...whatever the hell this feeling is.

“What’s your biggest feeling right now?” Francesca asks, and Dominique’s touched.  Francesca’s great about reciprocating the help she’s been given.

“It’s not a feeling…” Dominique hedges.

“Neither is sock feeling,” Levi offers, “But you all accepted that.”

“Nobody’s gonna get mad...or leave…” Mariana encourages quietly.

“...Like it’s inevitable that I’m about to be eaten by sharks…” Dominique admits, head down.

“You’re feeling in danger?” Jesus asks, sounding surprised and concerned.

“I guess?” Dominique says.  She glances up at them.  Smiles reflexively.  “I mean, it’s okay, though.  I feel fine.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Pearl insists, which only makes Dominique wanna lean into fineness that much harder.

“Maybe it feels safer to be fine,” Levi challenges quietly.  “I get that.”

“But we’re all safe with each other here,” Pearl insists.

“But we don’t know that!”  Dominique insists, her voice suddenly so intense it makes Francesca jump.  “You haven’t demonstrated that.  You haven’t proven it.”

“Well, neither have you, but we all still shared with you,” Pearl insists.

Francesca makes an obnoxious noise like a buzzer on a TV game show.  She’s got Hermione’s wand and points it at Pearl.  “Saying somebody’s feeling doesn’t matter is disrespect.”

Pearl’s mouth drops open and she looks at Jesus and Mariana to back her up, but both of them look like she crossed a line.  It makes Dominique a little glad.  

“Well, so what?  What does that mean?  I’m just the bad guy now?” Pearl asks, arms crossed.

“Questions are cool.  Dismissing people isn’t,” Jesus maintains.  

“I didn’t know it was called that…” Levi breathes.  “That there was a name for it.  That it counts as disrespect…”

Dominique might be the only one who hears his comments because Pearl’s talking again, and she has a big presence.

“I used to make mistakes a lot,” Francesca offers.  “It hurt my feelings and made me feel like you guys didn’t wanna be my friend anymore.  But that wasn’t really true, right?”

“No,” Jesus agrees.  ���We’re not rejecting you, Pearl.  But we are calling you out.  We don’t tolerate disrespect here.”

Dominique bites her lip and watches.  Can’t quite believe Jesus is so calm.  Levi, too, though he’s scooted his chair away from Pearl slightly.

“But I was just saying that we’re all trying.” Pearl exclaims.

“Maybe Dominique’s trying, too.  You don’t know.  You don’t know her.  You didn’t ask one question,” Levi comments quietly.

Pearl shuts her eyes.  Dominique doesn’t.  She watches everything.  If this falls apart?  It’s on her.  She has to know what’s coming.

“Oh, and you know her,” Pearl insists like she doesn’t believe Levi at all.

“I’ve talked to her.  I’ve listened.  Yeah.” Levi counters.

“Like you listen to me?” Pearl counters.

“Okay, Time.  Seriously.  We gotta stop this.  And breathe,” Jesus decides.

It takes all of Dominique’s focus to be able to drag in a single breath and then let it out.  She looks around at everybody doing the same - at Levi - watching everyone else breathe, curiously.  Eventually, she can do it again.  And again.

When they’ve done that for a while, Jesus nods.  “Okay.  Listen.  Dominique, do you know what you were feeling that made the shark feeling so strong?” Jesus asks.

Just like that, the words are there:

“Fear.  Judgement.”

“Okay.  Pearl, can you hear that Dominique’s afraid right now.  Is feeling judged?” Jesus wonders.

“I am, too!”

“Hold on, though.” Jesus keeps trying.

Dominique wants to give up.  To walk away.  To go shut the door of the bedroom and not come out, but if she does, she knows she likely won’t come out for days.

Mariana slides her hand into Dominique’s.  Francesca walks over and hands Hermione her wand back.  It helps some.

“We’re saying…” Mariana starts out slowly, looking at Pearl.  “That Dominique’s not trying to hurt you.  She’s afraid.  Can you hear that?”

“Yes, because I’m awful.  Clearly.  Everybody’s having a terrible time because I wasn’t honest.”  Pearl wipes her eyes.

“You feel blamed,” Levi realizes.

“Well, yeah,” Pearl laughs mirthlessly as more tears escape.

“You could’ve just told me,” Dominique says quietly. “Instead of pushing me.”

“I’m sorry.  I was trying to be reassuring...by telling you it was safe to talk to us? But it seems like my default is severely irritable these days.”

“Sounds like trauma,” Dominique comments lightly.  “Which is something I know I would never judge.  I got plenty of my own.  I’m just asking...please don’t judge me for my hesitance...which is trauma also…”

“Fair,” Pearl breathes.

“I think we need to do our Feelings Laundry every day practically,” Francesca announces.  “Because there’s a lot of it right now.  So we maybe need to make sure we do it more than just one time ever.”

“That sounds like a great plan,” Jesus nods.

Dominique excuses herself to go to the restroom and try to get a hold on herself.  It’s not easy.  She needs Mom right now like she needs air, but they don’t have cell service.  So, instead, she clutches her wand (which Mom made for her) and closes her eyes, willing her Mom to think of her too.

She breathes and tries to calm down.  But instead, there are tears.  And as healthy as Dominique has been told tears are, they always make her feel weak and stupid.  

She needs her Sadness costume but it’s not here.  So she stays locked in the bathroom thinking about money changing hands.  About being forced into situations she was in no way ready for.  About losing control.

But, just like that, Dominique swallows.  The mask is back in place.  Because with Pearl around?  She still doesn’t feel safe without it.

One more deep breath, and then Dominique opens the door.

Levi’s there, waiting by one of the couches.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” she nods.

“Cool.  I’m fine, too,” he tells her.

“Cool.”

Seems like Pearl has headed out already, thankfully.  Dominique hopes Levi doesn’t start to hate her because she doesn’t get along with his sister.  But he seems to have his own issues with Pearl.  

He sticks around a little longer, helping Jesus and Francesca build their fort, and then he walks home.

Dominique goes to bed that night in full costume, clutching her wand.  

She dreams of money.  The smell.  The sound.  The glint in the men’s eyes.  

Wakes up.  Gasping.  Wishing Jesus knew to give her a heads up about that.  But in all the things they’d discussed.  Her trigger around being either asked for cash by a man or unexpectedly bearing witness to cash changing hands had never come up.

And now it feels like all the words are trapped inside.  With her actual feelings.

Maybe things will look better in the morning...but somehow...Dominique doubts it.

[syxjaewon]

‘merry fucking christmas’

yang jaewon wakes to a cotton tongue in his mouth, a taste too sour on his lips, head throbbing, eyes stinging, and he hates literally everything about the entire universe almost simultaneously with his first sharp inhale of breath.

what the actual fuck happened last night and why did he do it and when did it stop? the last he can remember is noticing there was whiskey in his drink— as though it’s even possible to surprise-spike the cup of someone like the captain; lived on many moons, him, walked through many bars and traps and holidays. this is why he rarely ever comes around his crew when alcohol gets introduced, this is what he’s always feared would happen, events of the evening spiraling out of his control like marbles, and he can’t fucking stand it when things are out of his control.

he’s not entirely enlightened about what occurred last night, but he knows it was a mess and he knows he had too much of it. everything is heavy and dizzy and he feels gross inside and outside, cursing his past self for not stopping in time, for not just bidding them all goodnight, for not pulling his losses and calling an end to the whole thing. he wanted to wake up in his bed without the hangover, without the vague, gnawing sensation of having really ruined something important.

he shifts his arm slightly, and that’s when he realizes it’s not just the hangover that’s bogging him down, it’s also mina, her body draped over him, forehead pressed against his ear, hair spread out across his shoulder. this isn’t the first time he’s woken up with her, both of them clothed of course, friends even though the heartbeats in their chests sync up sometime during the night. they don’t tell you about ptsd when you’re in war, and jaewon hadn’t had much experience with the notion before turning seventeen, so in the years since the independent’s failure, the two of them have really had to rely on each other for comfort against nightmares and waking terrors. he’s used to the warmth of her, the scent of her, their legs tangled slightly in unconsciousness.

but not so tangled enough that he can’t shift and maneuver his way out from under her, and he knows she won’t wake up because he’d smelled the alcohol on her breath as well, remembered her drinking just as deeply as any of them. and he doesn’t want to stay here in her room this morning, doesn’t want to infect her with the scorched disease of him, the one he can feel burning through is veins, thick and unstoppable like lava.

he stands up and shuffles to her door slowly, carefully, as noiseless as he can while still feeling the bloat in his stomach, the ocean swishing in his limbs. he feels stupid, he wants to die, he wants to smash his face against the metal of serenity, or go into his bedroom and never come back out. he’s not wearing his coat and it’s freezing cold out here in the hallway, but instead of going to look for it in the mess hall, he ducks for his own bedroom, praying to high hell no one has tried to usurp it, to be funny.

jaewon would set them on fire if they had.

thankfully, no one managed to get in, so he can dress in peace, every movement a drag with stinging pain, every shift only bringing him more agony. his brow furrows, his eyes darken, his mind works and works and works to try to crack the darkness, the haze he’d draped himself in last night. so little comes back to him; drinks and singing and kafka saying something about mistletoe and?? had he fought with johnny? how had he and mina made it into her room? just how much whiskey had he downed?

he rubs slowly at his forehead, feeling a strange bruise forming there, tenderness in his gums, and the most god-awful taste in his mouth. he goes to brush his teeth, and then does so again, doesn’t bother with his hair, doesn’t bother with more sleep. part of him wants to stay in here, wrap himself up in his blessed blankets, only the dim lighting for company for at least the next two days, but his stomach rolls and he knows he’ll do well to get some food into it. plus, he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s hiding or anything. not that he knows whatever it would be that he might hide from, but knowing him, he did at least one embarrassing thing last night, one thing that everyone else will remember and he cannot.

he shuffles back into the hallway, nothing in his stride speaking of power or purpose, the boots still clomping, but with a messier tread, heading into the kitchen. he keeps his fingers sliding across the wall of serenity, helping him find his way, like how serenity always has, to save his soul. ephy isn’t here, but that’s okay too somehow. again: jaewon doesn’t really want to see anyone, doesn’t want to deal with them right now. he supposes he’ll have to though, so he ought to come up with some kind of battle plan.

but first, food. he makes something quick, something painless and soft, salty enough to encourage the massive glass of water he pours for himself, and then he relocates it all to the head of the table, his usual seat. the room is still a goddamn catastrophe, and he doesn’t know who’s going to clean it up, but it won’t be him. maybe sullivan can round some of this shit up, or get other people who will, if he’s not inebriated as well.

the peace and quiet lasts only a few minutes though, apparently the time being somewhere closer to afternoon, everyone else rising and wandering into the mess hall as well, either to see the damage or get something eat themselves. jaewon doesn’t begrudge them that, won’t bar them from that, but anything else is too much.

true to form, casta walks up, grin on, hair ruffled out, the light of him too bright for jaewon’s mechanically engineered eyesight. “well hello there—”

“shut the fuck up.” jaewon’s voice is loud and clear, despite the wince it urges to pull on him, the look everyone else in the room wears. usually he is all gravity and shine, but right now he is charred, blackened ground, singed and exhausted, gold irises dark and half-lidded, furious. his headache is the size of a planet and his temper is as small as a singularity, neck muscles tensing, teeth bared and clenched in a growl. he doesn’t know what image he portrayed himself as during the night, but here in the normal universe, yang jaewon is still a murderer, still just as quick with a glare as he is with a pistol.

and speaking of pistols, he pulls his out from its holster at his side, tucked familiar in his grip, the weapon held up and aimed at the ceiling for now, his elbow resting on the table. “anyone says one goddamn word to me ever about anything, and i’ll put a bullet in you.”

“oh come on, jaewon—”

he cocks the gun and aims it straight at casta’s left eye, the center of him steady and deadly and threatening in an absolutely serious way. he might not shoot him in the brain, but he could still injure the idiot, somehow someway that all his medicine couldn’t recover him from. they’d have to drag him down to jongsuk, and hope the good doctor is sober enough to operate on him. “try me.” his eyes burn shadowy, already picturing casta’s blood, already coming up with how he’ll explain things to mina later, curt sentences probably, very little sympathy or sorrow. he’s not kidding and he’s not bluffing.

casta, to his credit, lifts his hands up and shuts his mouth, heading away from jaewon again, towards the cabinets. the captain’s eyes watch him only briefly when he walks away but not far enough to turn his head, knowing only pain would be granted to him if he does that. he’s not here for this shit, he’s not interested in making nice with anyone on board this ship today. if they value their kneecaps, they’ll adhere to his silence, doing well to forget everything that had happened, just as much as jaewon has.

he waits for a beat before relaxing his gunhand a bit, sinking down further into his chair, blinking and leveling out. he lets the cold bite of the barrel’s end lean against his temple, letting it ground him, reminding him nothing ever lasts forever.

merry fucking christmas, jaewon hates everyone right now.

[fanfic-scribbles]

03. Fears

Warnings: Almost 1800 words (ugh, I am the worst at drabbles ever), some angst, reader being self-deprecating, fluff

You sink into your seat at the table and let your head rest on the surface.

Dean chuckles and pats your back. “Come on kid; it wasn’t that bad.”

You lift your head to glower at him and he smiles brilliantly back at you. Of course. Because he has suddenly found an upside to having a fucked-up shoulder– namely, not being dragged out of bed by Sam at seven a.m. after getting no sleep the night before. Getting up at seven. To organize the library. With two people. So yeah– whooptie-fucking-do. Dean had acted like a drill sergeant on the sidelines and Sam had gotten his shit sorted just so, while you had dragged your sorry carcass and carried every single book the bunker had.

“I have never earned a dinner so hard in my life,” you mumble and sit up when Dean and Sam put out the plates filled with food. It smells so good and you think that maybe you can forgive Dean. Just a little.

“Even more than the time you ganked that shifter couple?” Dean asks and dives in.

As he stuffs his face you smirk and put a modest bite onto your fork. “Yes, Dean, even more than that time I saved your ass.”

He practically chokes in his rush to correct you. “I had it handled!” he says, but when Sam snorts Dean diverts his glare to his brother.

You smile at the memory. It’s not often Dean or Sam owe you one. “Yeah, you looked real threatening, all hogtied.”

Dean shudders and mumbles, “Creepy kinky bastards,” before getting back to shoveling his meal into his mouth like he’ll never eat again.

“Oh my, that sounds like my ideal,” Gabriel says, appearing in a chair next to you. It probably says something about your life that an archangel suddenly showing up in the middle of dinner doesn’t even cause a hiccup.

Dean glares at Gabriel, but without any real heat. “If you want dinner you’ll stop there.”

“Oo, don’t mind if I do!” Gabriel says and a plate identical to yours appears in front of him. “Oh by the way, I invited Castiel. I hope you don’t mind.”

You stop mid-chew and fantasize about which would hurt Gabriel more: getting kneed real hard between the legs, or having a handful of feathers ripped out. “Mind? Not at all,” Dean says so cheerfully that you look to see him and Sam sharing conspiring smiles and that knee-jerk anger turns to a betrayal that stings. You look right at Gabriel. “You- you told th-”

“Hey, relax,” Sam says gently. Something about his tone helps you blink back tears and his smile is kind, not mocking. “It’s pretty obvious how much you like Cas– kinda has been for a long time. Gabriel just told us about how you’re planning to do something about it.”

“Yeah, fuckin’ finally,” Dean says. “I swear, sometimes when you give him those looks I just wanna–” He mimes shoving two heads together and holding them there. “And then–” He mimes…this one is harder to tell. Picking something up and putting it down? No, slamming it down. And then again and–

“Oh, oh; Dean!” you exclaim, flustered as all hell, at the same time Sam shouts, “Dean, gross!” and Gabriel bursts out laughing.

The room settles and you just shake your head and try not to think about that. At all. But freaking Dean. “My point,” he says, like he had been completely in the right, “–Is that it’s obvious.”

You huff and go back to your food but ‘obvious’ hangs in your head. Obvious enough to catch Sam and Dean’s attention. Obvious enough even to frustrate them, apparently. What if Castiel already knows? What if he’s trying to be polite? What if he doesn’t know how to let you down easy?

“That’s not it,” Gabriel says. You startle and wait a moment, sure that he’s responding to something Sam or Dean said. But they’re silent and look confused and you realize, no, he’s responding to you.

You glare at the angel because, seriously, he’s your friend but there are lines and how many times do you have to have this conversation? “Damn it, Gabriel, I told you–”

“Sorry, sorry; it won’t happen again,” Gabriel says, holding up his hands in defense and sounding…well, sincere. He puts his hands back down. “But I’m serious. He doesn’t know. That much I can tell. Humans aren’t the only ones that project.” You have a hard time imagining Cas ‘projecting’ anything, especially accidentally, but maybe angels read each other on different wavelengths.

There’s a rush of air right next to you and a deep, slightly concerned: “I apologize; I was caught up in something. Am I too late?”

“Not at all Cas; have a seat,” Sam says and Cas does. Right on your other side. Which– okay, it makes sense with him standing there to begin with, but the fact that he came in right next to you is…suspicious. However you certainly can’t accuse Gabriel of anything now, so you let it slide and when Cas greets you, you smile and do exactly the same. Nice, normal; very cool and composed, if you say so yourself.

“Oh, I can’t believe I forgot–” Gabriel snaps and your drinks are replaced with glasses of wine. “It’s rude to come to dinner without bringing anything. And this has the added bonus of being something even taste-challenged seraphs can enjoy.”

“I do like wine,” Cas says and takes his glass.

“You do?” you ask and suddenly you’re wondering how much you know about wine.

“Seriously?” Dean asks, affronted. “Burgers confuse you but wine you can taste?”

“I have drunk more wine over the ages than consumed burgers,” Cas says and takes a sip.

You bite your lip. That’s right; Cas has lived longer than…well, longer than humans have even been around. Even as an angel you can’t help but think he’s seen more, done more…he certainly knows more, if the way he’s talking with Sam is any indication. You try to tune in but it’s over your head.

What if you’re just not good enough? slides into your head, unbidden, and startlingly, terrifyingly new. You don’t know why you haven’t considered that before. Most of your fears have been about Cas just not liking you like that and being unable to deal with your stupid infatuation. But now you have to realize just how unsuitable you might be. Gabriel is telling a story that is making Sam and Dean laugh with abandon and Cas– even Cas is smiling, teeth and gums flashing and his eyes crinkling so joyfully. You can’t make anyone laugh like that. The conversation moves along and Dean and Cas share a smile over something– something you’ll never know, because their bond is deeper than anything you can understand.

Your breathing picks up. You can’t cook, you’re only a passable hunter, you’re not smart, or funny, and you didn’t know Cas liked wine and how can you love someone if you don’t even know what they like?

What can you give an angel that they don’t already have?

You eat without tasting, and listen without hearing. You barely finish your meal before Sam is trying to grab your attention. He calls your name a couple of times, and you stand abruptly. All eyes are on you but you’ve gotten good at putting your walls up. You’re practically a Winchester, in that way.

“It’s my turn for dishes since Sam did them last time,” you say and carry your dish away, back towards the kitchen. “Leave your plates there. I’ll clean them up.”

Once you’re safely away in the kitchen you start cleaning. The plate, the utensils, and anything else you can get your hands on. You dread going back out there so you decide to stay right here, at the sink, until you can get your head straight just enough to–

A hand settles on your shoulder but Cas says your name before you can panic. The sharp inhale you took comes out heavy and you try to smile at your– at the angel. He still looks concerned though and asks, “What’s wrong?”

‘Nothing’ is a phrase that you hate to hear anyone else say. So you go for the next best thing. “I’m just…not having a good day,” you say. Partial truth is better than no truth, right? “Sorry, Cas.”

He nods solemnly and you expect him to leave you alone. Cas is more considerate than people give him credit for. You don’t expect, however, for him to hug you. The act makes you freeze and if he didn’t seem almost as uncomfortable as you, you might be screaming ‘imposter!’ and diving for the silver.

“Am I doing it wrong?” he asks and you huff a laugh.

“No, Cas. You’re perfect,” you murmur and hope the secondary meaning is lost in the folds of his jacket and the scent that is impossible for you to name, but which buzzes through your body impossibly strong. When you pull away it is with some reluctance, but then you see him again, and that’s almost as good as holding him.

“I’m not, but…” He ducks his head. “I am glad if I can make you feel better, even a little bit, after all you have done for me.”

“Um…I haven’t, though…” you mumble and it’s your turn to look away.

“You have.” He moves into your line of sight and just like that, you’re trapped by crystal blue and a hint of grace. “Your friendship over the years…your love an acceptance and forgiveness have been everything to me. You, Dean, Sam, and Gabriel…you all mean so much to me. I’m sorry if I ignored you out there. You mean just as much to me and I was looking forward to spending time with you tonight.”

You don’t know what to say. How to unpack that. So you smile and say, “Just how strong is that wine?”

He rolls his eyes. “I have got to get you away from Sam and Dean before it is too late,” he mutters and you laugh. His eyes glint with mischief and he holds up two nearly full wine glasses. “While they argue amongst themselves, I thought we could at least enjoy these in peace.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you say and you both clink them together. You don’t think you’re the smartest, most attractive, best hunter in the world. But Cas must get something from you or he wouldn’t have sought you out. So there’s something there and it’s enough to hang your hopes on. You will do your best to give him anything he wants. Anything you possibly can.

And maybe that will be enough.

[bystardustt]

CUTE TAGS

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal, more food 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? yeah, until it hurts

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? my grade 11 history flashcards (I legit have 200 of them)

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? tea: with milk and sugar, coffee: with milk AND A LOT OF SUGAR

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? // yeah my gums show and itsa gross 

6: do you keep plants? nah 

7: do you name your plants? nah 

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? journalling/writing 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yeah, on the bus and everyone thinks I’m crazy 

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? back

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? I have a lot but like I can’t think of one rn .

12: what’s your favorite planet? pluto, fucking fight me if you say it’s not a planet 

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I think I got full marks on a lab practical but I didn’t even know what were we suppose to do and I still don’t know what were we suppose to do or what was the concept behind it

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? hipster chapter’s store.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! in space, the skin on your feet peel off

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? alfredo anything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? grey/silver

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. International Baccalaureate program

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? yes! and my emotions, like its hella emo and depressing af

20: what’s your favorite eye color? get me with those green eyes baby 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.  My small blue coach bag, I took it to China once and it got rekt on the plane (and in China in general) .

22: are you a morning person? no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? watch a movie/tv show/ youtube vid

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no 

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? n/a

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? black keds, stained af, but cute with every outfit

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? bubblegum

28: sunrise or sunset? set

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? she types with two fingers, only two 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yeah rn, like I got no plans for the future ahhhhhh

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. they chill, i like toed socks, sleeping in socks are for devil worshippers, no, I REALLY like toed socks 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. waking up at 3 am to watch the MAMAs 

33: what’s your fave pastry? STRUDAL, CROISSANT?? ANYTHING IN FRENCH??? JUST ANYTHING??

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? my dad and I were at a store once and I was looking at these huge easter bunnies and it was around my birthday and the next day when I came home from school the easter bunny from the store was on my bed, and it was pink cause that’s my fave colour and it was the one of the purest form of joy I’ve ever experienced, and yes I still have it, it’s still on my bed, and if anyone throws it out I will throw out their passport 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? yas and yas

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? red velvet

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I mean I WOULD like to keep it clean

38: tell us about your pet peeves! wet socks, when people talk to me when i’m trying to listen to music, myself when I procrastinate, when people don’t listen to me and I have to repeat myself, my cousin’s gross ass hair everywhere on the wash bin, biology 207

39: what color do you wear the most? white 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have gold hoop earrings that my dad made me buy because there was this huge sale on and he felt cheated if he didn’t buy at least something 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Tim Hortons at this gross building in my university, it’s brown (like 80s aesthetic), it’s fast, it’s cheap, I love it 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? the girl who was also taking the 6:50 bus in the morning

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? reading on my hammock during a warm summer day 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? no but I got nothing else so I still have to go with it

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. organic chemistry got me diene

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? bitter melon

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?  ghosts and demons, yeah kinda 

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? // yeas, Lust for Life

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? mooncake boxes

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? my mom, anything Faye Wong

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? lamb sauce located

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? heathers, beetlejuice, pulp fiction, loved them all and want to incorporate their aesthetics into me as a person 

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my own eyes working on the lab report last night

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? silence treatment 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? being open minded and kind 

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? don’t tell me what to do 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? vodka aunt is Y, I’m wine mom 

59: what’s your favorite myth? persephone

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?  no

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?  I gave my friend the communist manifesto, I have received a jar of frosting

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? my mom banned juice from my house

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? yes

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? grey like my skin 

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? lucy 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?  apple blossoms, peach blossoms, cherry blossoms

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? cozy

68: what’s winter like where you live?  ever heard of hell?

69: what are your favorite board games? CLUE OR SORRY 

70: have you ever used a ouija board? NO

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? like “metal goddess”????? idk what it is in english but we always order it at dim sum or a chinese restaurant and its good 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah I can’t remember shit 

73: what are some of your worst habits? procrastination

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. beautiful 

75: tell us about your pets! my dad overfed all my fish and killed them 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? studying but I’m doing this dumb tag

77: pink or yellow lemonade? “I believe in pink”

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neutral, like they cute

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?  painted my nails while watching the office

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? beige and no

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. dark like cola, but cola has bubbles that fizz and pop, just like their eyes (am I F Scott Fitzgerald yet?)

82: are/were you good in school? shit man I was so good but then some shit happened and now I’m failing 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? this one fan art fro Hyuna’s RED

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? “love unconditionally” on left wrist, but I probs never won’t 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? read a bunch for an english class and watchman is my fave

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? no.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? one alfred hitchcock movie, one audrey hepburn movie, silence of the lambs, gone with the wind, in the mood for love, 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? the renaissance movement so people don’t look like 2d anymore that was cool 

89: are you close to your parents? eh

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. /SHANGHAI, like it has the most beautiful skyline and like on the other side of the bund there are European style buildings and behind them are these classic chinese streets, and so much history but so modern at the same time omf

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no where

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? screw the pasta just gimme the cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? overnight waves

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my friend

95: what are your plans for this weekend? study and like do 3 lab reports and an essay 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk, aries, slytherin 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? two weeks ago with my friends, it was fun 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. /anything lana?? groupie love esp

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years in the future, take me away from my present omf 

I tag @flcwerstudies @unbeast @caffenotes @amelia-studies @smoketexture @problematicprocrastinator @heyhomework 

and anyone else who wants to do it! 

(don’t feel obliged to it lol, it took forever for me smh) 

[sharkinlovewithadolphin]

Update

Hey lovelies.  Okay so it’s been over a month since my surgery, and I’m finally here with an update. Hold on tight ‘cause it’s going to get long.    I actually wanted to do some regular updates, but I just really didn’t have the energy or mood to do it.  I’ve also left out a lot, mostly because due to me repressing this entire thing, I can’t really put things together very easily (time, dates, details, etc). And because I’ve spend the last month watching and rewatching one show and movie after the other, my mind has chosen to focus on television rather than what’s been going on. Basically this entire experience is almost forgotten, even as it’s still happening. I’ll be updating this post regularly as time passes, so new info and more details will come, along with possible pictures etc. However I probably won’t be reblogging it more than once or twice (for my timezone struggling mutuals), unless I’ll decide to make phone updates, then I’ll be reblogging this post with the update, but I probably won’t, so I won’t be annoying anyone, so if you want to stay tuned about this, this post will be stored in my #updates tag. I’ll be writing down here whenever I update, so it’ll be easier to check for those interested.  Posted: 26/10 Update: 27/10

Monday 25th september I was as most of you may know, going under the knife again, this time for a jaw surgery. The day of the surgery wasn’t fun to say the least, it was early in the morning so there wasn’t many people awake and aware of my situation to send me off, but I did get some messages, and that was really nice. As I think I’ve mentioned in a previous update post, I got sick literally the day before the surgery, and that I figured that that would make them post-pone the surgery, ‘cause that’s like basic medical knowledge? Doctors very rarely choose to operate on a patient However my mom didn’t care and the nurses didn’t seem to either. Turns out they should’ve, and that in fact, I was right; I shouldn’t have had the surgery when having a flu, ‘cause not only does it make things worse, it can fuck up a lot.  Anyway, I got in at around 9am, luckily earlier than expected. I was being put to sleep through needle instead of mask which I am very grateful for, much less triggering. I was allowed to bring my phone in, so I fell asleep to the sound of music (fun fact: the OR had surprisingly good connection? not that I used it). The surgery took an hour longer than expected (so instead of 3, it turned out to be 4), the reason for that I either don’t know or can’t remember. It should’ve gone okay as far as I was told. I slept five hours afterwards, unlike the other times were I was forced to stay awake due to the blood and open wounds.  My mom told me later on that she had wanted to take a photo of me after the surgery, since I looked “so nice” compared to the previous surgeries. I didn’t have all that blood everywhere as I’ve usually had, and despite the swelling it didn’t look bad according to her. The red/blue/green/yellow/purple colors in my face hadn’t come through much then either.  I was brought to my room again late evening.  The second day was hell. Just everything. But I was out and walking at night. And I ate a little. But everything was just bad. The third day was when the swelling was at it’s maximum. Things weren’t much different from the day before, except I got more used to being in a hospital.  Thursday, the forth day, I had to walk down to the clinic (clinic at the hospital), in hospital gown and those blood-cloth-socks, which was all just.. yeah I didn’t like that. I had to walk through the cafeteria area and the hall and I couldn’t walk more than one slow step after the other and even without anxiety it was just.. very uncomfortable in every way possible. At the clinic itself, it was awful. They had to sluice(?) my mouth, it was so aggressively done I literally felt like I was being drowned. And also, hardcore stream of water directly against your newly stitched-together wounds is not a pleasant feeling in case anyone should wonder. My mom, who’d been staying with me at the hospital, insisted on going home that day. I personally didn’t want to. And the doctors didn’t recommend it either, due to the state of swelling I was in; the ear-nose-and-neck doctor was especially against it, fearing the swelling would increase around my throat. But home we went. Regrets arriving pretty quickly after. Not only was the walk from my room, down the elevator and out to the car, very uncomfortable, the wind made me feel sick af.  Doing the night, I started throwing up. And keep in mind, doing those first days I ate what all together would’ve made less than one regular one-person diner meal. So I didn’t really have anything in my stomach that could come up you know? So my stomach started cramping, trying to find something to get out. Mouth water, mucous and blood came up with stomach acid, causing my throat to hurt for days after (and when I say  hurt, I don’t mean the flu-hurt kind, I mean it felt like my throat had been turned inside-out, then polished with sandpaper, then run over and then put back in). And it just wouldn’t stop. My mom called the emergency doctor who came and gave me a shot of antiemetic. I feel asleep shortly after, for 3 hours until it was time for pills.  As for medicine and pills, I was prescripted to take daily: 8 pinemol (500mg) and 6 ibumetin (400mg). Then one laxative and 4 antiemetic.   Later on (around 2 weeks ago) I got a nasty infection around one of the stiches under my upper gums-ish. So then I had to take even more pills. Pencilllin for a week (3 times daily, to a meal), along with a stronger dosis of antiemetic (Ondansetron Aurobindo, 4mg, 2-3 times daily) pills (originally they wanted to give me a type of pill used for cancer patients treated with radiation, but since I can’t stand bad tastes, they decided on those instead. They taste like pineapple lol) and some lactic acid pills (once a day).  With the infection came a massive step-back for me. I woke up daily with gross taste and this grumsy looking stuff in my mouth, for a long time, way before I found out why. Then one night, as I was cleaning my mouth, I must have poked an even bigger hole in it, ‘cause then it just started coming out faster and more of it. I woke up at 2am that night with a massive swelling in my left cheek, and when I was woken up at around 7:40, my cheek had grown so big I could barely see out of my eyes, again. The swelling from surgery had gone down a lot, however there had been a slight difference between each sides; my left cheek have been bigger and way more sore than my right, already early on, so the infection has been there for a long time. We got an appointment at the hospital clinic and he could quickly determent that it was indeed an infection. I took my first pencillin pill the same day.  However. That night I started throwing up again and my mom ended up calling the emergency doctor again (fun story; the doctor who picked up actually previously worked for the clinic I go to, he’s even assisted to the type of surgery I had). He told my mom I threw up due to the pencillin (and that it was perfectly normal), hence me being prescripted stronger antiemetics. The next day when my mom called my doctor to get the prescription, it turns out the dosis of pain meds I’ve been given is way too much. Damaging much in fact. So my three weeks use of that can possibly have effected my liver. So that’s nice. Maximum is 8 pinemol and 3 ibumetin a day. That’s 3 x 400mg ibumetin too much daily for three weeks. That is not good. Now I take them based on need, which turns out to not be much. I take 2 pinemol in the morning, 2 at night, and then throughout the day it kinda variates. I often take 2 in the afternoon/evening due to my teeth being too sore. And that’s it. So the massive amount of painkillers was probably never even necessary.  I got the shine off tuesday, making me now able to chew in soft-only things. My first meal was fries (I literally just got out of the clinic when I asked my mom if we could go get fries onn the way home lol). I got homemade pizza for dinner. And I finally ate ice cream without having to melt it into liquid and then drink it. It’s nice eating instead of drinking. it’s nice getting to eat instead of drink my food, really.   The infection is now gone, and I took my last pincillin pill this morning, so that’s nice. However, when I got the shine off, they changed my rubberbands and the position of them, to a place where the hooks are so small and almost invisible, so when I put them on I’m scratching hole into my gums. I’m going into the clinic again tomorrow to have it checked, and hopefully fixed.  Anyway it’s late and I should go to sleep, so I’ll post now even though I’m far from done. I might get around to edit it tomorrow though, then also write how things went at the clinic.  I’ll end this by giving a giant thanks to everyone who’s sent me messages, all the encouraging few but important people rooting for me. Especially @hamykia for regularly asking me for updates and how I’ve been doing. It meant so much to me, ‘cause there’s been so many people who seemed to not give a shit or even forget what type of situation I’ve been in and still am in. As I’ve told you before, feeling like you legitimately cared for me has been one of the better things to keep me going through this.  And ofc also Meg for being the only one around every single day. Even when it’s shortly, I can always count on you being around. And also some of my mutuals who’ve reached out to me and given me their wishes and kind words, also those before the surgery. Thank you guys. :) And as an end, I’d like to just thank the nurses at the teeth-mouth and jaw surgical ward. They treated me better than the nurses did at the childrens ward has ever done, which was shocking. They were extraordinarily patient and understanding, and knew exactly what they were dealing with. I was in good hands. Thank you.  Update:  - I got the hook changed and it’s a lot easier now. Left side is still a struggle though and in the right side I've accidentally cut into my gums like once or twice. But the new hooks are adjustable so I guess it’s just a matter of testing and getting used to. - I found out today that they’ve kept from me yet another surgery detail. I won’t get the feeling back in my palate for around a year. And the feeling in my chin and lower lip still isn’t there which they say “is normal”. So that’s really nice. Fuck you doctors. :) (note: because I from the very first mention of the surgery told them very clearly that I did not want to go through with it, they’ve done everything to make it seem like nothing, something simple and struggle-less, keeping details hidden from me, sugar coding things, and so on. I didn’t even know I had to get the shine on until a couple of days prior surgery. I didn’t even know where they would make the cuts. Back when I asked, all they said was it was going to be inside my mouth; as if that wasn’t obvious. And I didn’t know that an effect of the surgery has done so my chin is 1/3 size of what it was pre-surgery. I’m very angry because of this to say the least. I feel like l’ve been unwillingly lead to pure hell all because I a. trusted them and b. they already planned the whole thing and because of my anxiety and personality I can’t let people down when they’ve spend weeks planning something. I should’ve never had this surgery, and the regrets just keeps getting worse and worse with every passing day.) - One of the four screws (which I btw hadn’t been told about either, and found out about days after as I was cleaning my mouth), has grown into my gums. I have a screw under my skin now, a screw I wasn’t even told was going to be there, now has to be cut free if they have to use them. And as a side note, I don’t know how they’re going to get them out after this whole shit show is over with, and they avoided telling me so now I’m stuck with this entire thing without knowing the end of it.   

* PLEASE feel free to ask any questions. You can send me an ask or hit me up with a message. I’ll reply through both, to anything you may have any thoughts on. I might add your question to this post, though unmentioned unless requested. 

[flcwerstudies]

cute tag!

pretty long post coming up!! Thanks to @cafedetude for tagging me!! im tagging: @hermiionegrcnger​ @studying-frenzy​ @belledoe​ @tiny-notes​ @theteadesk​ !! You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to ofc and if u want to do it and i haven’t tagged you go ahead!! 

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? there must always be more milk than cereal, but that amount must not exceed a certain amount do you get me? when i scoop my cereal there has to be proportionate amounts of milk in each scoop, consistently, until i have finished my bowl. my mind is a strange and lonely place. 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? yes! its so refreshing and i feel like all your lethargy just evaporates... i love taking walks in the winter around my neighborhood in the evenings.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? spoons, lipsticks, i once used another book to bookmark a book, hair elastic, my contact lenses case, compact mirror....im a mess, i know 

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? tea: scalding hot with lots of sugar and some milk. coffee: lots of milk, so much sugar 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? no? i just want my braces off!!

6: do you keep plants? yess

7: do you name your plants? yes! i am currently growing two wild roses and I’ve named them Calliope and Polymnia. 

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? journaling, writing, reenacting musicals and dramatic renditions of songs? 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yeah ofccc it keeps me sane 

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? back and side 

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? CAROL THE LESBIAN LIBRARIAN // mary walks by // too many to list here tbh 

12: what’s your favorite planet? mars! and also venus 

13: what’s something that made you smile today? my friends 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? a hurricane flew thru the entire place, empty wine bottles on the ground, beanbag chairs, stacks of books and movies, maybe a cat and a dog lazing around on the couch 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! there’s a gigantic cloud of alcohol wayyyyy out in outer space that could produce over 450 trillion pints of beer 

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? give me all the pasta. i love all pastas. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? im ok with my hair color now 

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. GETTING A CAPUCHIN MONKEY AS MY PATRONUS ON POTTERMORE

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? yes! i rant a lot and i sort of write down reflections? on my day and things. its really emo and angsty lmao im 16 pls 

20: what’s your favorite eye color? brown eyes. so gentle. so sharp. so kind but so cruel. so ambiguous! 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. my tote bag from myanmar! the straps are falling off but i love it so much 

22: are you a morning person? depends on if i slept early enough 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, watch a movie, watch youtube, read 

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? absolutely not. it always pisses me off when people are like ohhh you can tell me anything??? no i can’t???? 

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? my friend’s house lmao 

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? my peach converse! they’re so pastel and they seem weird but converse generally go well with a lot of things 

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? i don’t like gum tbh 

28: sunrise or sunset? both 

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? sticks his tongue out when he’s concentrating and its so cute i die everytime 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes but i will never ever go into detail with anyone about this lmao 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. i love socks, i like wearing weird socks except for toe socks, people who sleep with socks on are Immune to Heat and Not Afraid Of Dying?? no white socks get nasty real quick and they’re so bland, i love socks i have this grey pair with french bulldog faces allllll over it and i wear them all the time and even though people can’t see them i still get happy and tell people about my dog socks. 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. HA LMAO we had just watched a scary movie so obviously we turned on my little pony and watched that for two hours 

33: what’s your fave pastry? cupcakes! anything tbh i have an enormous sweet tooth 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? my dad used to go on a lot of business trips and he came back once with a huge stuffed bear from switzerland and its so fuzzy its still on my bed. it’s name is Fred and it wears overalls and it has brown fur! 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? yes to all!!

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? paul anka lmao he’s not a band but ya know 

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean

38: tell us about your pet peeves! wHEN UR JAMMING OUT TO MUSIC AND THEN SPOTIFY JUST STOPS WORKING?? people asking me if im mad when im just being quiet and then making me mad by continually questionning me, people who will ask dumb questions (yes, there are always dumb questions. google is free and im not going to tell u the homework, it’s written on the board quite clearly u moron), racist/homophobic/ableist/ generally offensive and disrespectful people 

39: what color do you wear the most? grey and navy 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have mismatching earrings that my grandmother got me for my birthday! 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Fifteen Dogs by Andre Alexis! 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! the starbucks on center street it’s very Starbucks, exactly what you would expect, but I always sit in the corner spot near the windows 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My family! 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? sitting in the sand in shell key, florida. my feet are in the water and i am watching my family swimming. I am very sunburnt but my mind is completely blank in a good way 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? absolutely 

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. ofc they used a baby lion as their mascot. it’s simba-lic. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? there’s this food in korea that’s just stir fried rice with soybean sprouts and the sprouts..... aw god....they refuse to be bitten in half and it’s so gross i hate it sm 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? darkness! and no it is different today!

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? there are scarce places to buy CD’s now but the last one I bought was Micheal Jackson’s Bad 

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? bottle caps and paperclips and also pens i pick off the ground 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? my dad. any aretha franklin song 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? the spongebob one and the gif of the white man who blinks a lot....u know the one 

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? i loved all of them and i want to be able to quote them in all of my speech but i dont think people have watched all of them 

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?  i was working on homework last night and when i was turning on my laptop to work on my project i met my reflection in the screen 

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? been incredibly bitchy like damn.....i surprise myself and i really hate it 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when people use weird shit as bookmarks, when they laugh with their eyes shut, laugh lines near their eyes, dimples, kindness, when they aren’t afraid of making eye contact with me bc i have weirdly intense eyes  

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? it did not fit the mood of my day but yes i did reenact the lyrics 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? my friend diana is the wine mom but i am the vodka aunt. why?? she is infinitely more caring and kind and sophisticated and also wine gets u lowkey, calm drunk, while i, the vodka aunt, am caring, but i have a bit of a laissez faire attitude and go with the flow and ‘damn what the hell fuck it’ kinda vibe and vodka gets u sloppy shitfaced drunk with none of the sophistication that comes with wine. 

59: what’s your favorite myth? icarus

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i dont LOVE poetry but i like haikus they’re like clever one liners ha 

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I gave my friend a notebook that i’d hastily made the night before and I have received a box of pads which in retrospect is not even a stupid present bc pads are expensive 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? i drink oj when i can 

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? i organize them every month bc i am ridiculous and i can’t function if my bookshelf is weirdly organized 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? pale grey almost white.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? my oldest group of friends (TNT lmaoooo) OR YOU KNOW callixtus from volunteering holyyy. you know those people who u meet and u immediately click with?? he’s on of them magical people and he was hella funny too i miss that guy to all hell 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? small roses! peach blossoms and cherry blossoms too. one huge ass hibiscus or lotus flower as a statement piece 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? cozy and sheltered. valid excuse for not going out 

68: what’s winter like where you live? terrible but i love it kinda 

69: what are your favorite board games? monopoly 

70: have you ever used a ouija board? NO WHAT 

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? barley, green or reallllyyyy black tea with loootss of sugar so that it makes your teeth ache 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah how’d you know 

73: what are some of your worst habits? expecting everyone to be on the same page 

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. dedicated and brash, loud and hilarious, soft, amazing, i love them a lot 

75: tell us about your pets! i dont have pets!! T-T  

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? studying BUT DONT CALL ME OUT LIKE THIS OK

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink 

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? hateclub sorry 

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? done my makeup for me while gossiping with me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? pale green and yeah i did. i chose it bc i love green! and the old color was boring and i didn’t like it  

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. no edges at all, soft bovine eyes , shaking leaves, crocodile tears 

82: are/were you good in school? yes! it’s a source of a lot of pride for me! 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? amsterdam by nothing but thieves omg 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? oohh nahh im not planning on getting tattoos im scared of needles 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? through the woods? i used to read a lot of them but you know i grew out of them 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? not especially no 

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? the drop, double indemnity, back to the future, idk there’s a lot 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? the rennaissance! it was so extra and i loved it a lot 

89: are you close to your parents? yeah

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. TORONTO-soaring skyline from the highways at night near the lakeshore, the lights from the condos are like stars and its ridiculous but i also loooooveee dubrovnik in croatia and hanoi in vietnam and kaunas in lithuania and kyoto in japan.....in dubrovnik the wind blows in from the shore and at night when the lights are on in the walled city the stone glows amber. In Hanoi in the old quarter, motorbikes flash by and there’s yelling and the smell of pork skewers and there’s old buildings and new ones, huge stalks of bamboo leaning up against the walls. In Kaunas the wind is so cold and sharp and the buildings are so clean and there’s that old fortress and the tower! it’s so beautiful. and Kyoto is old and archaic but so modern it hurts and the streets are too uniform and the houses creep me out a bit bc they’re so quiet. 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? i dont think so 

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i will bury my pasta in cheese just you watch 

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? my hair is one style fits all bc its short 

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my friend!

95: what are your plans for this weekend? study and work on projects and homework and stress and nap and have dinner with a guest 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? no updates. we die like men. 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? isfj-t, aries, ravenclaw 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? sometime in september? it was nice! 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. put your head on my shoulder by paul anka....there’s a lot and im really lazy sorry 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years in the future, just to see where I end up 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #398

“freedom is just man’s invention, & a soldier is just a slave”

What do you do the most when you’re online? Watch/listen to YouTube. Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? No, that sure would suck. Were you afraid of heights as a child? Actually no, but NOW I kinda am. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Would you ever take a solo road trip? No, that sounds super depressing and lonely. Do the mountains fascinate you? Of course! So much history built into a magnificent, awe-inspiring piece of nature. Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? Wow, no. I wouldn't tolerate that for a second. What’s your favorite movie battle scene? The fight between Simba and Scar is very powerful imo. Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? No, but not because I'm opposed. I'd love to go to one and be the photographer. What’s your favorite Marvel movie? Probably one of the Spider-Man films. I don't remember which it is, and I don't want to spoil it by explaining what I do recall. Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? No. What’s the most difficult experience you and a significant other have gone through together? Being long-distance when we really wanted each other's physical comfort. Have you ever attempted to pick a lock? Did you succeed? Yes, because Ashley locked her keys in the car. I don't remember if it worked, actually. Have you done the Bratz doll challenge for YouTube? No. I've seen a couple people do it, though, and it's both cool and creepy. Does the hospital in your town have a good reputation? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. What is your favorite nickname that you’ve had? "Bee" from Megan. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No. I would be SO uncomfortable. If you had braces, do you wear your retainers still? No. :/ Well, the one you put in, anyone. I have a metal one behind the front row of my bottom teeth. If you had braces, have your teeth moved since you got them off? Yes. Do you know anyone personally who’s lost a child? I know way too many people who have suffered miscarriages. Do you take your medications regularly? Yes. What’s one luxury item you wish you could afford? An actually nice house. What’s your favorite thing to do in a swimming pool? Just kinda casually swim around. Have you ever been abused by a cop? No. What is one thing that you took to show-and-tell as a kid? My Snorlax plushy. Do you remember losing your first tooth? No. In the summer would you rather have the windows down or the A/C on in the car? I strongly prefer A/C. Have you ever been addicted to a game? What game? I had a long-time addiction to World of Warcraft for a couple years or so. I still play it now, but I'm not addicted to it anymore. As a matter of fact I get bored of it easily now. Which was better: the original The Lion King or the sequel? The original, but I love both very much. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I don't know if any did. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? Roman, 120%. It is so obvious. Venus, no, as reptiles are literally incapable of experiencing that emotion. I do, however, know she trusts me. Are you proud of your body? FUCK no. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance? No. How do YOU believe the world & universe started? I don't know. I feel like MAYBE there is some sort of ultimate intelligence that formed the universe (maybe prompted the Big Bang, though I've always been dubious of that occurring naturally), but I don't think of this topic frequently at all. Does it really matter, after all? We're here, so just focus on that and live in the now. Have you ever stuck gum under a desk/chair? NO, that shit grosses me the hell out. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return your cart or just leave it? Return your fucking cart, please. It is NOT that difficult. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Certain places I've, uh, "done" things. When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? Yep. I seriously loved Green Eggs and Ham. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape is #1. Would you rather give your food to a homeless shelter or money to charity? Food to a homeless shelter, but I'd love to do both. What was your least favorite year of your life so far? 2016 was a fucking NIGHTMARE. Have you spent money on a game online? On one occasion, I asked if Mom would reactivate my WoW account, and when two expansions came out, I asked if she could buy them. I HATED asking. Thankfully, now, I'm rich enough in the game to pay for the "token" currency, which renews your subscription for a month, so I essentially play for free now. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes. Have any self-done piercings? Noooo. I only trust professionals. Ever pierced someone else? Again, no. Leave it to professionals, as well as someone without tremors. If you had a child with down’s syndrome, would you keep him/her? IF I wanted kids, of course I would. It really, REALLY bothers me when DS is the reason behind abortion. Mind you, I am pro-choice, but come on... Don't treat down's syndrome children as a curse. If someone tried to murder your child, do you think it would be wrong to expose them publicly and talk about it on social media? Of fucking course I would. I'd damn that person to hell myself. Is there a toxic person that you miss? I sometimes miss Colleen. Are you still contemplating going back to someone you shouldn’t? With Jason, yes. If he actually wanted me back (that will never happen, but anyway), I fear I'd say yes and probably would, realistically. When was the last time you had a new crush? When I realized I was bisexual. Do you want Jesus to come back soon? Back when I was a Christian, I was terrified of Judgment Day. I don't believe in it now. What is something you can’t wear because of your body type? I COULD wear whatever the hell I wanted, but I refuse to wear crop tops or strapless tops (or strapless bras). Oh, and thongs. No thanks. If you have curves, do you like them? I'm not curvy naturally, I'm just fat. Have you ever worn matching pajamas with someone? No, but that'd be cute. Has anyone ever mistaken you for being anorexic? No way. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's, to name one. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Yes, especially giant squid. Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? Ugh, I got Ico THREE TIMES and they were ALL broken; they'd freeze in the first few minutes. Has anybody ever given you a promise ring? No. What is your favorite kind of cake? Red velvet. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah, multiple times. Were you outdoors or indoors more as a kid? I'd say it was a split down the middle. Have you ever had a relationship that began via text? Jason, Tyler, Juan, and Sara all began over text. Girt asked me out over Facebook Messenger. Do you think sloths are cute or ugly? They're cuties! What eyeshadow suits you best? I only wear black eyeshadow. Do you watch the show Wizards of Waverly Place? I did as a kid and really liked it. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. I don't think I could handle the humidity, though I'd love to see all the beautiful wonders. Are you a member of any clubs? No. Would you shave your head with a friend who had cancer? If it was someone I was very close to and they were extremely self-conscious about it, I'd probably be willing to get very short hair, but I don't think I could handle no hair at all. How did you meet your pet? Roman was one of the kittens of Ashley's mother-in-law's cats. She has way too many cats and needed to get rid of the kittens, and I'd been wanting one like mad. I found Venus via the online reptile-selling hub called Morph Market, and I became VERY interested in the many, many ball python morphs, and when I saw her, I immediately knew that was my baby. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo. What are some of the phrases in your personal ‘bingo’ card? "Mood," "can't relate," "hi, how are ya," "jinkies," "yikes," "oof," shit like that. Have you ever been through a trap door? No. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, only middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? No, I'd be very scared to. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? I have two for my varying photography subjects. I post very rarely on both. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? I have not.

[shsl-seinen]

45 questions...now that endgame has commenced

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Nope! She has no siblings and her mother’s gone up and left when she was young, so the closest she’s with is her father, whom of which she regrets not cherishing him enough before getting trapped in VR hell, so whoops! Sucks for you, Ai! (EDIT: I MISREAD THIS SLIGHTLY SO YOU GET EXTRA INFO ON AI’S THOUGHTS ABT HER DAD LOL) Speaking of mom…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Uhh not too well NOWADAYS, considering she left when Ai was young, but they spent time together watching TVs dramas and comedies and playing with Ai’s toys together and such, as Naoko (her mum’s name) was a stay-at-home mom. Nowadays Ai wonders how she is (in a bit of a more spiteful sense but…maybe it’s in a different sense now.) since she KNOWS her dad’s pretty lonely and a bit distraught for being left with her daughter (that resembles her a little too well, down to appearance, acrid tongue and drama love). …perhaps she’s forgotten about Ai and Yosuke by now. Speaking of THAAAT…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Well, pretty distant and a bit one-sided, unfortunately. They were like any other cute father-daughter pair up until Naoko left, then Yosuke (dad’s name) became a bit distraught with being left a single dad. (He works as a nurse at a hospital!) Still, he took care of her nonetheless–then Ai started to become distant by middle school. Her working on her drawings and getting bullied and developing a bit of a sleazy, drama-loving personality and all–it REALLY started to hit by high school. Even if Ai was raking in cash with her manga and giving a portion of it to dad to help financially, she basically kept cooped up in her room and their interactions were mere greetings. Heck, she mostly ate meals in her room! A shame, really.

Edit: Regret. She…she feels regret.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

THIS was a toughie. Perhaps one major thing was seeing Shoko Yazawa, the girl she indirectly gossiped about being a compensated dater, commit social suicide and basically disappear from Kameoka. She just…doesn’t feel comfy thinking about how she might actually be dead and how something that might have not even been true at ALL possibly cost her her social life. She may like drama, but she feels lies makes it…complicated? I can’t find the right word. Everything’s more authentic when it’s true and real, Ai feels.

EDIT: Cody’s deletion. It gave her the feeling that they very well may just be erased off the face of the Earth without feeling anything, in the blink of an eye. Mostly because, spoiler spoiler, Ai glitched out in the hospital space just like Cody but got spawned in a different area rather than deleted. So. Yeah. Scary.

EDIT 2: I GUESS DYING AND WHAT FOLLOWED AFTERWARD WAS AN EYE OPENER

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Out of game: strawberry gum/various candies, her phone, a spare pen/pencil or two just in case~! Not like she’d need to carry stuff in her pockets–she’s mostly a shut-in anyway!

In Telos Hell: Her ID, and…er, that’d…probably be it. I didn’t think this very through. In the case of what she often CARRIES (like, in her hands) it’d be snacks like pudding or candy and her sketchbook, I suppose.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Erm…this took a while to answer since I never thought that Ai would have dreams–I lowkey imagined her to be one of those dreamless sleepers. Y’know, granted she doesn’t get much shut-eye in the first place? But I suppose her dreams often involve her being a shadow or a ghost of some sorts in a bit of a beat-up town, just watching the town go on (robberies, theft, murder, or just…regular things like a couple arguing or girls gossiping) as no one notices her.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

This goes just as above, but I’ll list it out anyway: I feel something along the lines of all eyes and blinding lights always being on her wherever she tries to run, and all mouths (her classmates, her fans, her patrons her dad, her mom, Shoko) always speaking of her, revealing her gross nature in contrast to the mysterious but ladylike (??? I guess?) mangaka alias she pretends to be online. Maybe hands would be holding her down so she can’t run and has to face all the lights and all the people.

I figure she doesn’t have nightmares often, since, again, she doesn’t get much shuteye, but…ha

EDIT: Glitchy erasure has probably haunted her a few times nowadays.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Pretty much! She didn’t grow up POOR but things were probably pretty tight at one point in her life, considering Yosuke soon became a single working dad in the middle of Ai’s childhood. As soon as she started raking in that Sweet Sweet Manga Cash, however, she was happy to set out a portion of her money for her dad, so they ended up okay and a little well off! (Not rich but u get what i mean, hopefully)

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

More clothing–she just feels better that way.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Hoo-wee. It’s…a liiittle hard to say.

Tora chapter 2 was a doozy, but she wasn’t as scared then as she was, say...witnessing Cody getting erased, or glitching out HERSELF way back in ch7 when she was in the hospital space. She just felt...terrified, feeling like she’d suddenly disappear without another word, AND without feeling anything.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

Whenever she’s in her room, not disturbed by anyone, just browsing through social media idly with snacks on standby. Or asleep, considering … help this girl

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

She really isn’t…at least, she thought she wasn’t. She’s gotten pretty used to the sight of blood as a kid, when she’d gotten the occasional bloody nose from bullying back in her school days, and ofc with her job revolving around illustrating violence and sometimes GORE, you get immune to it!

At least, you think you do. As quoted from what I put on that FE AU spreadsheet a longass while ago “Gore looks much…mushier than on paper.”

Ryouji’s dead corpse was a nice ‘ol REVELATION for Ai. Since the closest thing to shit like that was descriptions of shit from the hospital (thanks nurse dad) and anatomy charts and guro art she’s browsed, seeing a REAL corpse in such a situation was…a game changer.

At this point, Ai’s a bit immune to it lol. So many bodies, yanno? She’s now…scarily used to it. Of course, the nature and customization of the executions are…unnerving to her, sometimes. I’m talking to you, Ryouji, lmao (She’ll probably still be pretty unnerved if she…ever…wants to go back to drawing manga tho…I don’t think she will. She’ll take a longass break.)

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Depends, I would think. Ingame: faces, but out of game, since she doesn’t really care for her classmates and real people and shit, she remembers names more. The internet is a far more vast place, after all.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

This is hard because I don’t think about this often myself

I guess she IS? She enjoys having things like snacks and desserts and tech around her, but she’s mostly just preoccupied with drama, relationships, fights and…people, I guess. I don’t have a good answer for this.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

I was about to say neither and point at “enjoyment”, but I guess…that could…sort of align with happiness? You can’t be a mangaka forever, and WHAT ELSE is she good for? Ha. She’d rather sit back and simply be able to enjoy a show rather than idealize shit like that. Life’s a show you can’t waste a minute to wake in!

…mm.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

Dolls, probably. Y’know, er…the equivalent of Barbie dolls, I guess? I can’t go too into depth since I haven’t fleshed out her childhood all too much, but…dolls seem accurate for her. She’d like dressing them up, decorating the houses (if that was a thing…?) and sometimes even playing pretend with them, I’d imagine–and Naoko would honestly play along with her, I’d think!

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

She admires the pettiness ambition of people around her, really. Just…seeing the lengths people would go for their goals, good or bad.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Like I said, she was literally alienated at the concept of people caring about her and her wellbeing.

Said alienation, initial refusal to accept praise of her, AND general nasty/careless/joking attitude, as well as her constant self-deprecation is a pretty fuckin’ big downer in relationships. Hell, part of her attitude already drives people away, she knows–might as well show she’s self-aware of it right?

…it’s definitely cost her potential friendships. Lots of ‘em.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Depends. …mostly the latter though. She knows she’s a piece of shit but occasionally she sees some people and goes “ok at least I’m not them tho lol”. Sorry Senji, Ryouji, some others I probably forgot to mention here. I still love you.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Oh hell yeah she thinks she deserves it. Karma, baby! Gotta love it.

What does your character like in other people?

Pettiness, wittiness, cunning, the ability to take a joke and make a joke–people who are laidback and careless enough to not be easily brought down. ok look masashi “hee-haw” oichi is a special case here, she thinks hee-haw is annoying but ill be damned if she doesnt eventually get used to it and admires masashi’s directness

What does your character dislike in other people?

Pettiness done WRONG to look like absolute immaturity…and on that note, people acting like loud immature brats in general, people who hold huge grudges over small and/or past events, haughtiness, tryhards (ok yes she can be a tad hypocritical but she’ll swear there’s a difference), people who (in her words, probs) have “sticks up their asses”…you surely get the gist.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

LMAO NOT QUICK @ ALL (especially in a game like this) she can drop trust pretty quickly tho ;0

…once you do end up gaining her trust, though, it’s strong with just a liiitle bit of doubt. As soon as you break it tho, her trust in you AND others plummet down the fucking toilet so lol

EDIT: ok so i’ll be honest now that it’s endgame, the reason she seems more willing to believe lies in others than she probs should is that she believes in predictability and also me myself, the mun, am Fucking Dumbass and fall for the lies myself, so if i can’t see past them even if Ai in-characterly Can, then im sorry my dudes im Fucking Dumb :’O

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Pretty quick, but she won’t necessarily voice it until she has a good opportunity. If they’re close to her, and she trusts them, she won’t suspect them unless shit seriously starts pointing to them, then it starts getting 👀👀👀

How does your character behave around children?

[ai voice] i think the fuck not, goodbye

She doesn’t…handle children well.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

haha……………..she doesn’t (usually)

She literally watches drama from afar, you think she wanna get involved in shit?

…when she does deal with it, she replies as bluntly and honestly as possible so she can get it over with. confrontation? no thanks lol

…maybe she’ll add some sass when she finds a good opportunity if she wants to make the confronter feel like a dumbass or smth, or if it starts to piss her off.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Ai…knows that violence in a losing battle for her. She’s weak. (….listen ryouji was already down in that one trial, ok) If a punch is thrown, she’ll either dodge and run, or take it and scuttle, tbh.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

She didn’t really have those types of dreams as a kid, really?? But maybe her drawings as she grew up started to make her think of being an artist. And…well, it DID come true, right? …with, y’know, the cost of tons of potential friendships. And other shit. ha

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Well, ONE thing is wasted opportunity, which is why, as you saw, Ai was PISSED at Ryouji when he was the chapter 6 culprit.

…okay, that’s very exaggerated for being listed and something “repulsive” to her, but…disgusting? ye.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Same spiel as the calm one, if you scroll up: in her room back at Kameoka, no one bothering her, the sound of rain and muffled thunder rumbles outside as she scrolls through the internet, snacks at her side while feeling cozy af in warm clothing/probably a blanket over her.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

I can list a few, actually! A certain text conversation between Andrew and Ai during Chapter 6, CHPT4 MONOTHEATER IN TORA AND CHPT5 MONOTHEATER? IN TELOS I BELIEVE? Because there was a very down, depressed vibe goin’ on–mostly the reaction of the deaths and all that, and the feeling that…everyone’s in despair. And tense. It’s infectious, unfortunately.

…and also, er, tora chpt2 trial. You Know,

EDIT: Cody’s erasure lol

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

SELF-DEPRECATION, BABY ;0

Nowadays, thanks to the magic of Character Development, she’s starting to see that she can improve. So she does the third one more, now.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

She’s definitely the type to keep trying a certain method a few times before moving on in frustration.

How does your character behave around people they like?

Laidback, and more open, with banter all around! If you’re someone she likes who has…made an impact on her (like Holly acting like a big sis for her, thanks holly ily) then she’ll still make jokes but not be as biting! She’ll try to be more lightheartedly jokey rather than have each joke be a diss.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Prepare for disses, eye rolls and snappy attitudes…or, er, just straight up disrespect and igonring.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Protecting their status, most likely. She…has no honor, really.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

*ahem*

abscond

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

Nope! Never been bitten, and she certainly doesn’t plan to!

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

General respect and decency whenever she DOES go out for, say, groceries at 7/11 or something. She’d generally like to leave asap when she goes out though, so she does sometimes ask to, like, quicken the pace. What did the service job people ever do to her, anyhow, besides like, possibly make her wait? No disses here, thank god

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Ai feels she doesn’t…deserve a lot of things she has, and definitely thinks that a lot of kids in Telos don’t deserve the shit they get thrown at them either (but, yes, there are some who she thinks do get what’s coming for them, but not many), so it’d be the latter, I suppose.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Nope. Easy answer.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

…not dependent, but…there’s one person who does a pretty good job trying to be one for her. (Spoiler alert it’s Holly, god bless this water polo player I love her so much get better soon athena ur great ily)

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Pretty goddamn difficult. She thinks of it as a bit of a hard thing to say herself, but agrees it’s something thrown around way too much nowadays–which is, in part, why it’s hard for her to say. (Also she’s never really gotten it from anyone except her parents ha) Ai doesn’t and wouldn’t say it in general (unless it’s joking with friends but even THEN its rare bc Got Damn can’t have too much hypocricy) since it’s a bit overused in society and seems like a throwaway term w/o meaning. When she DOES wanna say it MEANINGFULLY, she’d really want to MEAN it, which is hard with…the kind of mindset she has on the word.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

She doesn’t know!

Which is exactly what scares her.

Not like she thinks about it often, though! (er…well…maybe she does now.)

Nor does she want to. :)

EDIT: this still goes unchanged but it goes to show, uh...what she might’ve thought when she was “dying” at the time.

[silkyandsurveys]

July 28 2017

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk than cereal 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Yes I love winter 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I just fold the page 4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don't take it at all 5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes I'm super self conscious of my smile I used to not be until people started pointing it out 6: do you keep plants? No cause they die really easily 7: do you name your plants? No 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I write in a journal 9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I love singing so much I wish I was good at it more than anything lol 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Back and side always 11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? To many to list or count 12: what's your favorite planet? Neptune and Uranus ;) 13: what's something that made you smile today? I hung out with one of my sisters friends and we always have a good time 14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? MESS 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! No 16: what's your favorite pasta dish? Chicken alfredo always and forever 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Purple would be so cool 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Me and my two very close best friends decided to make slime and throw it at my ceiling and pieces of it are forever stuck to my ceiling. Me and my friend were peeing our pants everywhere 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I keep notebooks around that I randomly and rarely write and draw in but I have a notebook app that I frequently write in. Just about my day or my week 20: what's your favorite eye color? brown and hazel like yesss they're so pretty 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Can't say I have one 22: are you a morning person? Noooooo 23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in my bed and go on my phone 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yeah kinda 25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? A car at a car dealership lmao 26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I used to be obsessed with toms but currently my converse 27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Watermelon forever bitch 28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset of course 29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? She's really really smiley and I pick at her for it but it's actually really nice 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. Socks are make or break situation. 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Spent 3 hours making a video star to its everyday bro by Jake Paul. All the words are engraved into my brain 33: what's your fave pastry? Cheese danish bitch 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Lamb pillow pet. Named lamby. Just look up lamb pillow pet but the fur on it is all fucked yo because my mom put it in the dryer. And yes I still have it 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? No 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? None my brain is literally white noise right now I'm so tired 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean 38: tell us about your pet peeves! There's so many I'm not abot to get into that mess 39: what color do you wear the most? Dark colors for sure 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a necklace with my name on it. Got it from my grandma I wore it a lot in seventh grade aka one of the worst years ever 41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? Elenor and park 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! No because I hate coffee and I'm not a hashtag Tumblr aesthetic girl so I don't go running around trying to find aesthetic coffee shopsn 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I legit don't remember 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Probably at night in a car when I was like 10 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Ok found this joke from a vine don't @ me. Anal with her made my day. But it made her hole week. Bitch I die 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Twinkies. Beef sticks. Tomatoes. Mushrooms. 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Car crashes. Thunderstorms/ natural disasters. And yes 100% 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? No it's dumb I pay Apple Music 14$ a month for a reason 50: what's an odd thing you collect? I used to collect snow gloves but for some reason and somehow I have a lot of turtles from a bunch of different places. Like little turtle souvenirs 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? My crush and it's so dumb but hey Stephen by Taylor swift damn. 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? All of them 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No.no.yes.no. Idk I haven't seen like any of them 54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Ummmmm my face in the mirror idk 55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Ummm not sure everything I do is dramatic so 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? It's 1am and I can't remember what endearing means 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It reminds me of glee. And ps I didn't listen to it just in my head I imagine Jessie sprinting around stage whilst Quinn gives birth so that's an image 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? My friend abby is the vodka aunt and my friend julia is the wine mom 59: what's your favorite myth? Mermaids 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? No 61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? Little einsteins singing toy when I was 9 years old from m great grandma. Lol love! 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? No 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? No I own like 4 books 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black 65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yeah some friends from school I miss 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Ew shut up (roses) 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Sad and gross 68: what's winter like where you live? Brutal but I <3 it 69: what are your favorite board games? Uno and spoons and don't come at me saying they're not board games because I don't care 70: have you ever used a ouija board? No im not about to release that shit in my home 71: what's your favorite kind of tea? I don't like tea but if I had to choose sweet passion green tea from Panera fucks major shit up 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? No 73: what are some of your worst habits? Biting my nails. Chewing the inside of my gum and picking at the skin on my thumbs 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Awesomely cool dude 75: tell us about your pets! Annoying but cute sometimes I guess 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Sleeping 77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink always 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Hateclub I would say j always have been but I'm gonna be honest and expose myself for wearing a minion shirt to school in fifth grade. Soo. 79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Ummm not sure 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Dark purple. No I did not. I wanted lilac but since I'm the younger sister I don't get to choose 81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Ocean 82: are/were you good in school? Yeah 83: what's some of your favorite album art? Ummm the flower boy album that just came out is really cool 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Eh they seem cool and I like them but I feel like trendy tattoos are the most regretful 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? No 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah. Not any in specific 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Cuberbully lmao it's kinda cringey but it's so good and hatchi because that shit has made me hyperventilate. Omg and titanic 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? ???? Again 1:30 am brain doesn't understand 89: are you close to your parents? Yeah 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I love philly don't get mad at me for loving trash 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? My home and my school 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? GIVE ME ALL THE CHEESE 93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just done or in a ponytail 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? The boy I like lol 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Well I hope it's to hang out with my friends but work is a stupid bitch 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastinate 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Idk off the top of my head. Aquarius. I think gryffindor 98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? For a school field trip and no becaue I was sweating and dying 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. I won't mind by zayn <3 that song because it explains my whole life that literally any body I like will not be mine ever! 100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years in the future maybe?

[airmidtheawakened]

The Hunger, Part 1

Here we are, darlings, at the beginning of a truly new tale of adventure and discovery! I hope you’re ready because hooooo boy does it get gross. We’re talking Doctor Moreau-style shenanigans. If you’re squeamish about that feel free to back out now. You have been warned.

The night started like many other nights in our new home: with the decision to be lazy and not cook. Normally I like cooking. I do big, family-style meals for the cabal most nights. Gotta make sure they stay healthy and well fed, ya know? I make sure everyone eats well and eats smart. But SiSi was out training with her master and it would have felt weird eating without her. Apollonia had set up a infiltration/combat drill with paintball guns. It sounded totally sick when SiSi told me about it later. She learned how to change the trajectory of bullets mid-air, which is a pretty cool trick if you’re not on the receiving end of it.

Oh, and I’d had a theater audition that day that went really, really fucking well and I wanted to celebrate. I hadn’t found a proper job yet (not for lack of trying) and my bank account was starting to look pretty bleak. The prospect of a paying show was really awesome. It was a musical, and while carrying a tune isn’t my specialty, they were looking for people with dance experience for the background characters. The choreography was pretty complicated and they wanted to make sure the actors could handle it.

Needless to say I blew the competition out of the water. Because I’m just that awesome.

So Saki, Lipsy, and I found this nice little Korean place just a couple blocks from our house. It was a nice spring night, so we walked over and gorged ourselves on delicious kimchi, japchae, and bulgogi. Well Lipsy and I gorged ourselves. Saki is a little more reserved when it comes to mealtimes. I’m surprised we don’t embarrass him with the amount of food we shovel into our mouths.

That said, he should really eat more himself. I try to pack as much nutrition as I can into the meals I make for him, but it doesn’t really work when he doesn’t ever eat full portions of things. I worry about him sometimes. It’s not like he’s starving himself, but he’s not getting as much as he should either.

Don’t tell him I told you all that. He’s kinda sensitive about the whole deal.

But I digress. The food was amazing and we left the restaurant feeling pretty damn good. But it was not to last. Oh no, darlings, it was not to last…

We’d barely walked a block when Saki and Lipsy saw something sprint from across the street into an alley just ahead of us. We’d gone out pretty late, and it was super dark out, so they really didn’t get a good look at it, but a few seconds later the sounds of a metal trash can falling over and a woman screaming smashed the night’s quiet to pieces.

We ran to the alley, me leading the charge, to see what was up. I used a really cool spell to give me cat eyes o I’d have better night vision. The others aren’t so fond of it. They say it makes me look creepy. Well let me tell you, having big ol’ reflective peepers is *nothing* compared to what we found in that alley.

Even with my cat-o-vision I could just barely make out the scene at the far end of the alley. There was a male figure hunched over the limp form a of a woman, laid out on the ground. I ran to her defense but it was too late. Her chest was ripped open, her heart missing, and her skull was cracked like an egg. The man was picking bits of her brain out and *eating them.*

He turned to me as I approached, and I could see for the first time that he wasn’t truly human. His mouth reach all the way from ear to ear and his gums were lined with multiple rows of shark-like teeth. Bony ridges that looked almost like gills ran down either side of his neck. “Ugly” doesn’t even begin to describe this guy. His eyes were human, but feral and unfocused.

He needed to be put down.

I ran in for a punch, clocking him across his elongated jaw. It didn’t do much more than make Shark Boy angry, though, and he swung at me with sharpened claws - because of *course* he had claws! - that left a nasty gash in my cheek. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t heal up later, but it hurt like a bitch. Saki tried to throw one of his tarot cards at it. They were kinda like ninja stars, with razor edges. He missed. But that’s okay because Lipsy sent Edgar in for the attack, and boy did Edgar attack. If I had a dollar for every killsteal Edgar has pulled on us through the years I’d have a hell of a lot more dollars than I do now. He tore Shark Boy’s jugular straight out of that ridged neck. Shark Boy expired mere moments later.

Lipsy raised some shadows over the alley so we could investigate without anyone seeing what was up. I took pictures of the scene before we messed with anything, just to be safe. Lipsy then used a spell called Death Mask to make the dead lady’s injuries look less horrific. They were still bad, but said “rabid dog” more that “cannibalistic animal-human hybrid.”

While that was up, I started looking over Shark Boy’s corpse. Now I’m thinking this must be some sort of life magic at work. I looked like a much more advanced version of the spell I used to give myself cat eyes earlier. But when I gave the body a once over with my mage sight there was no trace of life magic on him. Not a one. It made no sense! Creating a creature like that shouldn’t have been possible without it.

Even creepier, Lipsy said neither the woman nor Shark Boy left lingering souls behind. Maybe they passed on immediately, but it still struck us as kind of sinister.

Saki tried to see if there were any strange ripples in the time-fate continuum in regards to either corpse. He didn’t see anything to suggest the two of them were connected, but he did manage to find Shark Boy’s wallet in the trash. At least we thought it was his. The license photo inside was a pretty solid match for everything on Shark Boy that was still human, but we really couldn’t be 100% sure at the time.

Now you’re probably thinking “Wow Airmid, that seems like a really crazy hard problem for newbie mages to deal with!” And I will tell you that we were thinking the exact same thing. Which is why Saki called Fisher to come help us. I politely excused myself from the alley to call Sinopa to come pick us up when she got a minute. Which was the smart thing to do because I would have just gotten angry at how monumentally unhelpful Fisher was.

He took Shark Boy’s corpse away for the Consilium to study, but he said since Quincey is our turf now that we had to get to the bottom of the mystery on our own. Can you believe that? I mean, I understand that it was our responsibility, but to not offer any help or guidance whatsoever? Ugh he’s such a douche.

SiSi showed up not long after Fisher left. She was all sorts of freaking out, thinking we started some sort of trouble. But wasn’t our fault! We just happened to walk into it that time. She still wasn’t happy with us, but oh well.

Before we left for good, Lipsy finally found a ghost lingering around who could tell us what happened. It was the soul of a janitor in the building the dead lady worked at. Apparently she’d been leaving work through the back when Shark Boy attacked her. Lipsy helped the janitor pass on fully as a reward for helping us. Our Lipsy is such a sweetie.

Fast forward to the next morning.

Lipsy was totally out of it. He’d had super terrible nightmares because of what we found. SiSi and I skipped our morning workout to sit with him until Saki got up. I offered to make him breakfast but he just wanted coffee. He probably should have eaten something but I didn’t push the matter. We try to be gentle with him when he’s super stressed out like that.

Eventually Saki came down for him and they went upstair together. SiSi went to turn on the TV while I called my master. Cuz see, if we were gonna be investigating strange monster people, then I would probably need to miss my lessons. Papa Bear had me on a very, very rigorous schedule and didn’t take kindly to me showing up late or playing hooky.

So I call his house phone - because God forbid he give me a cell number - and Arathnos picks up. Because God forbid The Nemean answer his own phone. I asked to speak to my master and Arathnos handed the phone off. Papa Bear asked if I was calling about what was on the morning news. I hadn’t watched the news yet, so he told me to and I motioned for Sinopa to turn on the TV.

The morning report was, obviously, about the attack last night. Apparently there had been a second one in another area of town. Papa Bear said my cabal was to treat the attacks as our number one priority. I mentioned possibly having to skip lessons and he said that was fine (thank God!), then told me to make sure to write up a full report when we figured out what was going on. And then he hung up on me. Because God forbid the Nemean say a proper goodbye to his apprentice.

I mostly kid. I’m not nearly as ungrateful now I was then. You’ll find out why next time, though, because right now I think I need a break. The next bit is gonna get heavy and I need to be prepared for it.

See you next time, darlings!