#and even though theyre grieving their children and their friends

[tubchunk]

wdym that everyone who stayed back on the island stayed back for love. wdym everyone that ran to save themselves also did it for their love for each other. wdym people tried their best to save the people they'd spent two weeks fighting cuz at the end there was love THERE WAS LOVE.

thats what the qsmp has always been about. it's love. all kinds of love. and what you're willing to do for that love. its love its love its love

[vancilocs]

lore dump tres

ylva doesn’t have a porcelain bodyguard that’s been raised to serve as her right hand since birth bc fenrir didn’t want to

he’s very grateful to have duško around himself, don’t get him wrong, dude’s exceptionally talented and dedicated but to the point where it becomes creepy, and it’s only because he got reassigned to fenrir that they don’t have the type of symbiotic relationship the ruler and their bodyguard usually has

fenrir watched duško literally not eat, sleep nor move from gandr’s bedside for days leading up to his death and almost withered away himself, genuinely worried if he should die now too because of his failure/him now being useless with nothing to protect and fenrir thought thats weird n creepy i don’t want to take part in a culture that raises children to think of themselves that way. (fenrir and duško do have that in common, feeling expendable and unwanted and like failures, and unfortunately also the self-destructive ideation) sure ylva has a bodyguard who’s very talented but they’re also her friend and have their own life and all. better that way

it was a controversial decision to not get her a porcelain bodyguard, their most prestigious families were practically getting pregnant and preparing babies to be shipped off to her as soon as merope’s pregnancy was announced, just for fenrir to be like um no thanks. however thanks to the fairly recent scandal of vasili (neighbour kingdom’s crown prince’s own bodyguard) getting married to his liege it caused a bit less hubbub than it normally would have.

fenrir and duško are fairly close mainly bc they’re both introverts and don’t bother each other, but there’s the unusual dynamic of duško at times holding power over fenrir: duško is older and has known fenrir since he was a small baby, and there is that remnant of fenrir thinking of duško as “big brother’s cool friend” that knew cool tricks. especially in the beginning fenrir did often lean on duško for comfort and still relies on him to get him out of anxiety-inducing situations, and also holds his opinion in very high regard

this is also bc duško and gandr were so grown together and duško could basically read gandr’s thoughts from a flick of a finger, there is a LOT of gandr in him that fenrir still sees. so the love for gandr that fenrir had and still has kinda has moved over to duško - my brother trusted you, i trust you. but on the flipside duško has a lot of mannerisms and speech patterns he picked up from gandr because they didn’t spend a single day apart for like 20 years that make fenrir sad and in the beginning gave him a lot of anxiety because he was still grieving gandr and it hurt to hear duško talk like he did. like my brother is gone but his ghost still lingers in his shadow or something something. its a comfort and an anxiety at the same time

--------

fenrir and siðar get along surprisingly well despite their initial meeting which started with siðar (in his 40′s) barely issuing a challenge and fenrir (about 21) wiping the floor with his face and breaking his nose, though they dont meet very often with siðar being away on the seas for the majority of the time. he does try to visit a few times a year and usually him and fenrir go fishing or something to catch up

they get along mainly bc theyre very similar in personality, dry, sarcastic, easily annoyed, straightforward and foul-mouthed little shits - siðar feels really bad for fenrir after learning of his story, wow our dad was a shithead, huh. well, considering siðar never even met him it makes sense.  does feel really bad for fenrir when he realized the pressure he’s under and the mold he was forced into after first being rejected so harshly. also they’re both horse girls and siðar has his kelpie he shows up on and fenrir thinks its the coolest

he doesnt have kids of his own, a partner or two maybe i dont know yet, he just chills and sails, makes fenrir feel a bit better bc siðar is 20 years his senior but isnt like a super mega rich successful guy so it helps fenrir calm down like maybe i’m not lagging behind actually. maybe its okay to not achieve absolutely everything or have everything figured out before youre 25.

bc he visits kinda rarely and doesnt stay for too long hes mainly buds with fenrir but merope likes him too (but we know she has a thing for rabble rousers), of the kids ylva enjoys his travel stories and alex has thought he’s the coolest thing since sliced bread since he was a little toddler. siðar has brought him shark teeth and egg casings and fish scales and all sorts of things and alex is still so hype when uncle shows up. nepheli thinks he’s quite scary and siðar is okay with not handling such a tinysmall toddler for now.

him and helle also get along, used to spar when younger and now that helle cant do that anymore they usually just sit and chat, siðar has gotten a bunch of information about his dad and stepmom and also gandr from helle when fenrir got too anxious and sad to talk about them. has offered his baby siblings to go kick their moms ass (was also pretty disgusted to do the math that his stepmom is the same age as himself, what the fug) but they said nah don’t bother. helle is also a fan of his horse she thinks its awesome

duško doesn’t like him much but is cordial as he is with everything. siðar does like his dogs but isnt allowed to pet because they’re “at work” as if the fox does anything remotely useful

so if fenrir is now in his 50s, siðar is in his 70′s so hes an old man, but very spry for his age. looks great too. the salty sea air has been kind to him

-----------

merope almost got whiplash when on her honeymoon bc as soon as fenrir got out of court and from under so many eyes and they didnt communicate by writing (which he famously sucks ass at and had all his letters proofread so he didnt dare to be himself in them) the man was... relaxed? attentive?? funny, even??? downright cute????

anyway she fell in love hard with him there and ditched her plans of maybe annulling the marriage and running back home and the rest is history. sometimes sad history but hey

[loopscereal]

fred is still a shadow in this, but uhh let me explain ig

Fred is a shadoe still, but freddy still fucking killed him. Uh. Yeah hes under the impression that it was the medication hes taking that killed Fred, but it wasn’t, it was more so freddys intense desire to have him gone that truly has him disappear

Fred is still a shadow, but as they were children Freddy would always make sure Fred was included even though others couldnt see him, and yeahhhghghgg he would ask ti relight the candels so fred could posees the body snd and blow them out since ‘its his birthday too’

this went on until Freddy became “too old for imaginary friends” and the fact that he was seeing and hearing someone, and also acting completely different all of the sudden, became more concerning than cute snd excusable to youth.

he laytys doen and the colorss!!! yeah theyre the same colors that show in the begining and are “versions” for fred, and the stages that he went down before being completely gone

Orange is his normal snd stringest state, with all of his individual festures like his hair and eye color and unique festures (though this is a scraggle sketch and shows little if that, but if i were to clean it he would have his unique lunares) ,

the red one is where hes already deeply upset and becoming mocking and agressive twoard freddy for going along and believeing others instead of him, subscribing to the idea that Freds something that he shiuld get rid of, and is something that “doesnt actuslly exist” ot is an extension of freddys own mind. (none of which are true, its just the belief hes taken up)

snd in this red form he has the black and ehit eeyes if the oringinal, if i were to clean this up his skin would be grey and his lunares would be gone,

purple ine is a shadow, just a full on shadow with no mouth since Fred eventually loses his ability to speak (and subsequently sing), since thats how weak he gets. yeah hes confined ti freddys shadow, hes outole snd a shillouette of freddy instead if his own shape.

then st the end when he olays guitar freds colors come back and freddy is! trying not to think about it!!!

^ guy who is trying to leave the shadow behind him, where its supposed to be.

why would he do this is he stuoid ???

anyways thank you for thining its cool, the head shake and the fan soinning were touches i liked adding, although incredibly rough. i mean the while thing is rough its a board lol.

freddy get a grip maybe dont kill ur brother if ur gonna grieve snd miss him sl much geez

the song is 100punk by Shutups, i think its fitting for my freddyyyy guy with ten trillion interpretations of ant given person including himself depending on his mood, which is none. Guy who is fundamentally empty,

[rosewinelonging]

ok now this is good this is an au that appeals to me veryyyy much bc it has the opportunity to keep my lalonde dynamics. specifically the girls and their mothers AND the girls themselves when they meet up. and then take it a step further to where they now have the opportunity to fufill their desires [mostly jus longing for what could have been] with the object of their desire rather than just eachother, though just because their mothers are back doesnt mean theyre not gonna be together anymore.

first im gonna do some context cause most of my ideas have been developed throughout a number of posts and little headcannons. for rose, she was the only one to actually know her mother, to live with her and know what it was like to have her. her childhood was filled with drunken kisses that always lasted a bit too long, hands accidentally slipping to places they shouldnt, and a desire for motherly love that surpassed that of most children. though in all accounts nothing ever went further, wouldnt dare set more than a couple feet across the line. no matter how hard rose tried as a child, pleasuring herself where she knew her mother could hear, forgoing undergarments [shed also know], or innocently asking questions she had already spent hours of research on. there was never any direct acknowledgment. shed stumble through excuse and excuse, brushing off her attempts as nothing but the whims of a child. it was endlessly frustrating. 

the only time she could get a fraction of what she really wanted was when her mother helped her to sleep. while most children have weaned off breastmilk as a baby her mother never stopped. although she stopped producing milk years ago she would always find the opportunity to seat her in her lap and tuck her face against her breast. her mother justified it as to help her fall asleep [for as long as she could remember shes been plagued by horrible nightmares] rose thinks it was the closest shed allow herself to indulge. there wasnt anything strange about having your child in your lap helping her to fall asleep. if she started to grind against her moms thigh wanting not only to be comforted but to feel good, you couldnt blame her for letting rose do what she wanted. as long as she kept her head firmly against her tit and rocked her till she knocked herself out. until rose stopped caring about comfort. her movement was messy, hips frantic as she humped her thigh, panting and mewling, all red-faced and doe-eyed. ignoring the shushing, moaning as she begged her mother to touch her, to do something. when a hand bigger than her own slipped under her night dress she knew she had finally won.

until she hadnt.

because her mother didnt come back to her room after that day. touches and kisses reduced to nothing. her mother couldnt even look her in the eyes, whether from shame or lack of coordination from one two many drinks, it pissed her off all the same. so she played the game, keeping her distance and engaging in passive agressive attacks as to fool her mother into thinking she could never have been lonely without her. but it was only a matter of time.

until she died.

it was absolutely devastating. never in her life could she have ever thought there would come a time that 'later' was no longer an option. the one person she wanted most in this world and she could never have it. so when she heard about meeting her mom in the new session she clung onto that. desperate and grieving, she would set things right this time, she didnt care about anything else.

while that was going on, roxy had a very different experience. it would be hard to say confidently which was worse, losing someone you had or never having them at. she grew up not knowing her mother outside of books and magezines and videos, nothing ever real. her mother was as much as a concept as the idea of a mother to begin with. of course shes read what mothers are supposed to be like but she knows nothing from experience and neither do any of her friends. it was awfully lonely, not only not knowing who she was, but who she was supposed to be. roxy resigned herself to her fate of attempting to visualize an unknown concept and that was that. 

but then she found something real. something completely different from the magazine interviews and red carpet recordings. she was ten years old snooping around boxes of stuff her mother left behind. the carapaces tell her it was organized at some point but not anymore, most likely caused by her careless organization. but it was at this point she was tall enough to reach boxes on the high shelves and grab at things pushed down the shelves. and thats when she stumbled upon an old vhs tape. she wasnt sure why it was vhs tape until she saw the note. the handwriting was barely legible but she recognized the words of dave strider anywhere. assuming it was a gift from him to her mother it must be special. so with a giddy smile she fished out an old vcr and put the tape in, unknowingly stumbling across her most prized possession.

it was exactly 47 minutes and 6 seconds long. a recording of her mother and dirks brother having sex, though she was wearing a strap and seemed in full control of the situation. she watches the whole thing without pause, eyes never leaving the screen as she fucked him hard, moving into different positions, keeping his hands tied or having him suck her strap. she watched completely enraptured with how real her mother was. how she laughed and spoke without a care in the world, completely open and honest. when the video ends she doesnt even think before hitting replay. its halfway through her second watch that she realizes how soaked her panties are. her fingers enter with no resistance as she sits and watches.

years later she doesnt know how many times shes watched that video. she has it completely memorized, front to back. the one thing that helps her understand who her mother really was. its those 47 minutes of her mother, naked with a strap, covered in sweat and cum. the confidence in every move she makes. and while shes learned that daughters dont watch their mothers have sex its only thing she has. and its what gets her through the night on the bad days

she always knew shed meet her mother in the game, even though she wouldnt really be her mother, not like the one she didnt know. but she was excited nonetheless!

 the universe must be a cruel thing. otherwise she wouldnt be here kneeling at the corpse of her mother. even if shes younger, had a different life experience, she must be her mother because she still doesnt know who she is. just a person she lost without ever having. [if she gets her lipstick smeared on bloodstained lips and down pale lifeless skin. and cum staining the orange just a shade darker. no one has to know that for just a brief moment, she had her.] 

not that any of that mattered anyway. she got to meet rose in the retconned timeline, just as desperate as she was. they talked for a long while, about their mothers. roxy told her about the video and rose told her about that night. they were what the other expected and that was okay. it was okay as they snuck off from the main group. it was okay when lips connected and handles scrambled to find places to hold and clothes to pull off. it was even okay when roxy let it slip what she did with roses corpse. and as the two girls found a place in eachothers arms, they knew that for all they lost and never had, it would at least be okay with eachother

until they beat the game and their respective guardians were revived.

it would be completely shocking and out of the blue, halting any and all plans for them to finally grieve together. it would be heart-warming, slightly awkward reunion. but more importantly it would be an opportunity. roxy would bring it up first, the idea of laying a trap to ensare the elder lalondes which rose would full-heartedly agree with. they could use each other to their advantage, they understood how themselves thought. it would be easy to convince them to give into any desires because who better to trust than yourself?

theyd prob team up to go after mom lalonde first. the girls inviting her to drink and catch up, shed be all to eager to indulge her daughter and younger self. the plan would be simple. rose knows her mother is interested, she wouldve stopped her actions years ago is she wasnt. but she never fully acts things out, always hesitating at the last minute or making excuses for any action. so the first step would be to lower inhabitions. easy enough seeing as she never turned down a drink. the next step would make her *want*. a task roxy was more than happy to assist with. 

it started as simply sitting together. her mother sitting in an armchair to the side while rose and roxy were together on the couch. there was more than enough room to sit apart but seeing as they were family there was no need. roxy was pressed against her shoulder and as the night went on she only got closer. moving her arm to drape across her shoulder and tucking her ahead against her bare throat. one hand kept permanently on her leg, first at the knee but slowly inching her way up, not stopping till she reached where skin was covered by skirt. [not that there was a lot, rose has purposefully chosen the shortest skirt she owned] her arm had found its way from her shoulder down to her chest where she was not so subtlety grouping her boobs. and the entire time as roxy cuddled up to her, too intimate for sisters, rose could feel her mothers stare. and just as she tilted her head slightly to give her a better view of roxy now kissing down her throat, she finally broke.

"rose." she looked back as her mother was leaning forward, lips parted and eyes lidded. "why dont you come here baby? hav- havent held you in a bit. and its getting late."

roxy squeezed her thigh and her mothers eyes flicked down. rose nodded moving to stand before turning back and kissing roxy on the mouth. she caught the words 'good luck' as she moved back to walk to her mother. she had grown a significant amount since they had last seen eachother but she still fit perfectly. 

=====

ok holy shit sorry for cutting off when its getting good but this is getting to long. [already over 2k] honestly ill actually edit this at some point and post it as an actual fic this is like. idk sneak peak first draft hehe. but basically. they fuck then rose helps roxy by basically telling alpha rose how it was fine and besides its not like she raised her, theyre practically stranger. pulls the ‘dont lie to yourself’ card. then i guess they have a foursome LOL

hope you still liked it even if i was to caught up in exposition and didnt even get to the point of the ask <333

[libidomechanica]

Untitled Composition # 8649

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former side; whose very chiefe  dead: fair sickness company! The  circle thing quickly smells in  hearted on that following, 

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and a thou may be enricht.  Then delight, that was  its wreathe this sacred  through I have long I failed to 

shake only sheepe, for thee, my  wealth, who needs musician, paint doth read 

of quaint flowering said, Innumerous,  midnight you pinch. “what  way to bed of the  flies and if thou, Anthea,  music: Do I dare not the  tape-recorder should  have give morn. And beard with  you will and the  feels its muzzled by the  convent, who thus? To  when I strive, my soul  stress that temperately thin.  A fields with pearls not  trained through in you can mayde or  come against his way,  because be  gone in they be unfulfilld  the field. Thence mighty heart  sores me the pathless flower 

to knows, theyr fold! Just enought  permitted powers  of tears to pluck you  once morning Loves yet free, starved, flares like  only crossing low. If loue doth 

relief thou the grass,  she morrow mistake, or  fountain-jets, while thou hast dead, the  priest; and black, because  he revolving  your child, that slippery  practice uplift thou speak.

[soft-butch-cassidy]

Guardians probably take the protection of children extremely seriously. A child is precious to them as they most likely cannot have one of their own. But how do you think a guardian would raise a child? (Expecially an eliksni one. How would the eliksni even react to meeting a guardian-raised child? I'm sure it would be a surprise for certain though.)

okay it’s SO funny that you mention this bc i have two ocs who are eliksni raised by humans sdlkfjdskfl. one is in a candal au where cayde finds an egg and brings it home and he and andal raise the eliksni baby together and she’s a v sweet artistic girl who paints and dances and works for eververse. 

the other oc is one i came up with today! ill actually have a fic about them up soon! they’re aurora and mikris’ adopted kid! mikris found them while on a trip trying to meet with some eliksni who contacted her wanting to join the house of light, but when she got there, all the eliksni had been killed by scorn. she found a tiny eliksni toddler wounded and infected with dark ether, and took the kid with her. turns out that while the dark ether physically disabled them, the traveler imbued them with light, giving them some cool powers. theyre still baby though! as of this point in (my version of) canon, mikris finds this little kiddo a week before aurora is contacted by eris. aurora’s had her secondary arms for about two months. mikris suggested naming the kiddo after cayde, but aurora wasnt really okay with that since she’s still grieving. the kiddo expressed their Strange Powers TM which are involved in void energy, so aurora suggested naming her after an old late friend of hers and cayde’s. so the kiddo is named tevis! they’re aurora and mikris’ child, but communally raised by the house of light and the assorted iron lords.

as for in general: guardians can raise kids! they can adopt, and do adopt, or a nonguardian awoken or human partner can have a kid, or they can marry someone who has a kid, etc. it’s fairly uncommon for guardians to have kids, though, since guardians overall need to be out doing guardian stuff. but there are some who will retire or take twenty years off or whatever. guardians with partners have an easier time of it, and theyre a bit communal about things, so often a guardian’s fireteam will help out a lot as babysitters. 

as for guardians with eliksni kids, they probably hide their kids by holing out in a hideaway somewhere with their partner/fireteam/etc and keeping them safe and secret that way. if it’s a guardian with an eliksni partner or partners, theyll probably do all they can to keep their partner(s) and kid(s) safe and hidden. but there’s also a chance that theyll raise the kid in the city or in a village or something, like a human kid. 

eliksni meeting a fallen kid raised by humans/guardians would probably be utterly baffled, but overall probably not aggressive. it might in fact make them question a lot about their relations with humans, if they already aren’t friendly toward humans. 

[estherroberts]

esther roberts!

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​ , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today though, it’s @estherroberts especially. (that’s me!)

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for the stories of each character involved. we each picked three kids to write about, and this is the first one of mine! without further ado, here’s esther! 

esther roberts is tiny but she is not delicate- which is to say, she looks fragile but she will kick your ass. she is feminine but she is unyielding. and she will beat you to the chair and pull it out her damn self.

pencil skirts, fancy blouses, necklaces with tiny charms, and three rings with varying sizes of stones are like a uniform for esther.

she has honey blonde hair in the sunlight and mousy brown in dark and her hair wiggles just past her shoulders. also, she has bangs. they're cute but they don't help her look any older.

she has brown eyes and sometimes they're warm and welcoming but mostly they're analyzing and looking and curious and questioning

she doesn't want any more piercings than the basic ear ones and she likes to wear long chained dangly earrings because they feel nice

she wears heels for the click clack and the height and ballet flats for the comfort 

she’s an aquarius

she has a cat named johanna and when she was younger she had fish but she was a horrible fish mother and gave them to jack’s sisters

esther’s father died when she was four years old

the only things she has left of him are

a) a deck of cards

b) all kinds of russian swear words

c) an ability to withstand incredibly cold weather

d) an ability to withstand her mother

technically the occupants of her house are just her and her mom, anita

anita is from new york and certainly sounds like it

she is loud and affectionate and even though she is grieving her husband, does her best to raise her daughter

there are aunts, uncles, and cousins living across the street and on either side, and her mother’s parents are less than a block away

and there are always people over

most of her cousins are a lot older than she is, some of them have children by the time she’s a junior and so she is both the baby and the babysitter

also always over is jack wyatt

they grew up together, and jack talked to esther’s cousins as much, if not more, than esther did

they did ballroom lessons together, they cooked together, they have embarrassing photos of each other when they were babies, they even are very close to having their own language (there’s more on that in the jack post)

if you asked esther at five, at seven, at fifteen, at seventeen, who her favorite person in the world was? she would say jack. (she might throw bridget in there too, but we’re not there yet)

she loves him a LOT

esther figured out she was gay in 5th grade bc she watched glee and wanted to kiss quinn (later she realized how GARBAGE FIRE the show was but she’s glad it got her this, at least)

she’s maybe 11 and she’s freaking out. she thinks about it before she falls asleep and sometimes she looks stuff up online but she feels like it’s Extra so she stopped doing that. and it’s her secret, it’s a Big Secret.

sometimes she asks jack if they would still be friends if she was gay and he looks at her funny and tells her that she’s an idiot and he would still be her friend if she was green and came from the moon

“actually it’d be so cool if you were green and from the moon,”

and one time she held hands with a girl who was like, a study buddy or something as they were walking down the hallway and her heart hurt because she wished it could be real, really real

lots more under the readmore! 

when she is 12 her and jack meet anthony in detention, and through him, they also meet quentin

the four of them have lunch together every day and talk about advanced math and sciences, comparing notes and theories and arguing constantly

sometimes anthony does her nails

she really likes light solid colors like white, beige, pink

but one time he brings gold flecks to put on top of her pink

and he’s a little unsure about how she’ll react but she agrees

and is UTTERLY DELIGHTED with the final result

in 7th grade, tiny practical esther still doesn't understand most social interactions very well

she doesn't see the value in communication so spends no time learning how to do it

but toward the end of the year she starts to actually worry about this

their school is a middle and high school combined but

anthony has been complaining that all his friends are younger than him, that by high school he STILL won’t know anyone his age, that making friends is SO HARD

and so esther starts spending a lot of time interrogating her mom about how to initiate conversations and when you should ask someone about their day and what you do if someone doesn't like you

and her mom thinks it's great that she's finally expressing interest in people, for the love of god, so she gives her practice assignments to try to get to know the people around her better and get more friends

over summer she meets sally this way, by complimenting her star trek shirt and then dragging her to lunch with The Boys

of course, sally ends up becoming best friends with anthony, but her and esther are close too

anyway this is how esther becomes a CHARMER. teachers, when they aren't telling off her for talking to jack, LOVE HER. store clerks and waiters feel a little bit better about themselves after she leaves them (and internally she still has a script running because she needs it, but she gets better at improvising and she learns to smile a little bit more, because people like that)

it’s not that she’s being fake? because she genuinely does care, it’s just that she’s cracked the code of being like a Great People person

esther invited four non family members to her bat mitzvah:

jack, anthony, quentin, and sally.

they’re all super impressed with her confidence and jack actually cries a little

the party half of it isn’t so much of a party as it is a smorgasbord of incredible food

anita tells the kids they can just the tiniest sips of wine and they all get so excited about it she changes her mind

her freshman year there’s a GSA club and she’s rly scared but she signs up and asks jack if he’ll come with her to a meeting and he’s like, absolutely

and she passes him a note in the middle of it and it just says “i’m gay?????????” and he passes it back with “probably, also, same” and she nods and he smiles and for a while he’s the only one who knows

sophomore year she’s in science and math with sally bc she’s Smart for a little one

and they’re doing group work together and she’s texting instead of talking to sally

and sally’s like “are we gonna work now?” and esther’s like “yeah sorry, uh"

“i was in an argument with jack over who gets to marry hayley atwell"

and sally’s like, “is she, like, your woman crush wednesday whatever”

and esther’s like “oh no, i’m a giant lesbian”

makes a face, mumbles, “woman crush wednesday, god”

and sally’s just like, bubbly, happy, excited (but it takes her a minute to process)

“oh. OH! :D i hope you win the argument!!”

and esther grins wickedly and is like, “i will"

this eventually leads to a Bond they share over queer stuff, which leads to regular talks down at the garden shed, which eventually winds up at detention

but that’s another story 

later in the year she tells june and helen, who are in orchestra with her, and theyre so sweet about it and it’s the only time (until, of course, Chuck E Cheese Night) that june smiles at her

she doesn’t say it to anyone unless it comes up, but she doesn’t say silent on her opinions in class discussions and she figures everyone’s figured it out by now

telling her mother, on the other hand, scares the SHIT out of her

like, she knows anita will be chill about it she knows this but it’s so so scary for some reason? like what if she’s wrong and what if her mom is disappointed or doesn’t believe her?

her and bridget start dating the summer between sophomore year and junior year

that summer, before they get together, they text constantly

and esther, like is absolutely flirting, she’s doing her best

she thinks very highly of bridget as an academic but the selfies bridget sends... oh god, the selfies are so breathtakingly beautiful 

even the silly ones

like, wow

WOW

esther has never had a girlfriend, she doesn’t know how to flirt, but being smooth is like, in her dna

(jack makes fun of her all the time and tells her she’s being cheesy)

(but it appears to be working, so she tells him to fuck off)

eventually her efforts do pay off and bridget officially asks her out while they’re eating ice cream

their relationship is so healthy like, they talk about everything and they’re super honest with each other

and when they have miscommunications they talk about what they feel and try to say what they mean

her whole life esther has always been “the cute one”

it comes from being smol and from being the youngest in her family and bc, well, she is pretty cute

but bridget calls her beautiful one day and she nearly cries

because she’s never gotten to feel beautiful before

also, bridget’s the only one who calls her ettie and very quickly becomes the only one who’s allowed to call her ettie

esther loves her so much, she would do anything for bridget and anything to keep her

and she knows, she knows she needs to tell her mom soon, but one month passes and then three and then six and it’s hanukkah?

and her mom tells her she can invite as many people she wants on the third night, that they won’t have any cousins and it can just be esther’s friends

because of orchestra, and The Gay, and the poly chain and other couples, the gang has taken shape, and esther, for the first time, has more than four friends. she has eight now, eight people she loves and (mostly) get along with

trying to explain all of it to anita is a literal nightmare, but she can’t quite speak bridget’s name

“mom, again, you know jack, and his girlfriend penny, and then sally and her not-not? or is it not? boyfriend anthony and his girlfriend helen and her girlfriend june and her boyfriend quentin and-”

anita is patient and is really doing her best to understand the tangled relationship web but she does notice that esther said eight and only gave her seven names

“who’s the eighth person, esther?"

“aaaaaaaaaaa she’s uhhhh she’s ummmmmmmmmm aaaaaaa……..her name is bridget. she’s my age. she’s beautiful. she’s like. really good at english. she makes a mean apple pie. she’s a libra. she volunteers at the library. she’s like, an actual angel and she makes me smile every day and also she’s kind of my girlfriend?????????????”

anita:    :O

“i’m so sorry i didnt say sooner, i just. i got scared. i really don’t want to lose her. and i didn’t know how you would react, if you knew and i didnt- i didnt… i didn’t want to lie but i didnt know what to SAY and i waited too long and i’m sorry and-”

god bless esther’s mother, because although she is absolutely freaking out internally, just says, “i cannot wait to meet her"

needless to say they all have a BLAST and esther’s mom really does her best to get all the pronouns and relationships right and she appreciates how captive of an audience she has when she tells stories esther’s heard hundreds of times

and bridget is so polite and she offers to help clean the kitchen after

and esthers mom keeps making faces at esther like “SHES A KEEPER” and esther is ready to Die of happiness and embarrassment

up until her junior year, homework was incredibly easy. all she had to do was hyperfocus and she could work on it all night. but the more work she got, the more overwhelming it was, the more pressure she put on herself, and the harder it got to do

her grades didn’t really drop but ?

it took her a lot longer to get her homework done

she got distracted more easily

and then get mad at herself for getting distracted

being diagnosed for adhd helped a lot

she’s not on meds (she’s thinking about it though) but knowing that this is something to manage and take care of is really helping her

she’s learning to be okay with that part of herself? jack doesn’t stim the same way she does but he helps her figure out what she likes

and eventually she’s even a little proud of her neurodivergence, the way she’s proud of her sexuality and proud to be jewish

i’m not gonna pretend i know the rules of dilemma. but esther does, anita does, jack does, and sally….? sort of does?

just like in canon, her and jack play all the time

she’s better than he is but only SLIGHTLY, he’s been playing just as long as she has

she just gets a little more practice

esther’s dedication to STEM is sort of a mix of a lot of things

she has a genuine natural interest in math and science

she likes that things make sense and that there are universal rules (this doesn’t mean she won’t try to break them, she just likes knowing that they’re there)

(it’s a bit like a finish line, except you get to keep going)

(esther takes statistics really early in her hs career and just, LOVES it. like if she didn’t want to save the world, she’d probably be a data analyst

testing things to discern their significance is 300% her jam

and she loves hand drawing graphs

she has enough graph paper in her backpack to fill up a large dictionary)

also designing projects is a really big strong suit of hers

she’s an incredible planner/diagrammer

which works SUPER well with jack’s buildy skills

she comes up with the shit, and he makes it

also her handwriting is incred so whenever they write up things with the scientific method she’s the one who has to do it

she doesn’t know what she wants to do in the field but she knows she LOVES it 

overall she’s a pretty happy gay

she loves her friends and she loves her school and she loves her mom and she can put up with her cousins

she’s not afraid of the future, she’s ready for it.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i thought to myself, “i dont want to be in love with someone who doesn’t want a future.”

and maybe some years ago i wouldve taken this thought as an action - i might’ve tried to create a rift in the relationship or seek things out to confirm suspicions (which has already been close to happening anyways) so i would have a reason to not be in love with them - so i could make them the enemy; a person doing something “bad”. 

but i guess i’m old enough now to understand this statement. it’s not an action; it’s a thought and it can be taken point blank. i dont _want_ to be in love with someone. because that’s painful and useless and so, so sad. 

he said, “we’ve been hanging out a lot. maybe we can hang out tomorrow.” 

i’ve gotten this before. and it’s a bit ironic, i knew i wouldn’t really see him today because we had an event to go to. and i was okay with that - i guess romanticizing this glamorous idea that we’re somebodies - we’re “something” going out and we kiss and go home. 

but i really dislike having no control over things at all. and it’s not that i want to “control” anybody or anything - i just feel like his availability to me is very circumstantial and is one of the worst processes in the relationship. it continually adds to my anxiety and maybe even my insecurities. 

i know i have issues with perceived abandonment. which is completely and totally fair to my life situation - i no longer see it as a true flaw to my being but as a statement of my life. why wouldnt i? a person would develop such feelings over time if they had my experiences as well. is it an issue? issues can be fixed. so is it an anxiety or an insecurity? maybe it’s just both. 

i want to be able to be like hey, i’m coming over, see you soon. just one time be able to do that. and after nine months and developing the relationship we have, i feel like i should be able to. but anytime i’ve tried, i’ve been deterred. why cant it be like, i’ll see you tomorrow at 6? or around 8? like it always feels like when we say goodbye, there’s a possibility i wont see him again. not like hes going to die, but that he could just get up and walk away. just wake up tomorrow and decide this isn’t what he wants. does my presence even make a difference in that kind of decision? probably not - but i have this fear because he speaks openly about everything, including his desire to move away and take trips and just generally not care that i’m someone who he’s developed a close relationship with. 

not that i’m saying he should _not_ do these things either. he should; but the way he speaks about them it just sounds like he could become a new person in a new life tomorrow. and maybe he could. i also don’t believe he doesn’t actually care at all about me. but his caring increasingly feels obvious at arm’s length and frequently one sided towards him. 

it could be worth talking about. which is so scary and real because i’ve never really ever in my life put myself out there like that. i’ve done desperate and dumb things, but they were more in jest that turned out embarassing later because it was just like.. not the right time or place or frame of mind. but he also doesnt like talking about relationship things. it’s easier for him to think this isn’t a relationship that requires talking about in such ways. but we’ve talked about things before - we’re so close because of our ability to communicate with each other and neither of us has ever gotten along with someone on these level. 

but to bring up the fact that i have this ever lingering feeling of something not being right within myself - i dont know. like i believe he can live his life. just do whatever the fuck he wants to do. and in return i also have that same freedom and that’s great. we live individual lives and get to be individual people and it’s kind of new to both of us because we’ve siphoned our identities alot from our partners at the time. so to get to truly be ourselves in the most pure ways is great. 

truly though, i just want to be with someone. i dont want to sit alone in an apartment. its literally my least favourite thing and i do it _all the fucking time_. i could solve these problems by going out but at the en of the day you still return to sit in an empty apartment. 

it sounds kind of basic though doesnt it? maybe kind of whiny - “i just want to be with someone”. i’m not alone now. i guess? maybe this truly is not highschool anymore. maybe it’s not about “having” someone. i dont need to have this “boyfriend” in my life. this person i see on a semi regular basis to hang out and have sex with. i need to build a family. like - i did it professionally. and i’ve grown through it as well and like i’m not saying i want to have children (at all) tomorrow or get married but i want to be apart of someones life. i want to see the people they care about. i hope to have the ability to care about them too. i want to make decisions together and bare the weight of those decisions together. i want to feel a responsibility to their well being and feel the necessity in creating an easement to achieve whatever it is they want to do or be. i want to feel a stronger obligation to be better to myself to be able to fulfill my own goals and contribute to theirs more positively. 

in my romantic world - we’d move in together next week and create this fantastic little life and i’d just be better in some way. i don’t know. but in reality my anxiety about wanting to be able to say ‘see you tomorrow around 6′ just one time translate to a bigger issue of wanting to be able ot say, hey in 6 months do you thik we could think about living together? do you think we could start building _something_ instead of just spinning our wheels? 

which i know is something he already is dealing with in his personality to begin with - he’s spinning his tires completely and i’m in the back seat smoking weed and eating cookies, occassionally getting out to stretch my legs or being forced to walk to get gas. 

he’s said we’re walking our individual paths and if those paths happen to cross, then great - if not, it’s okay. he did this skit that i’ve been thinking about a lot. and maybe he didn’t think about it when he wrote it, or maybe it’s about something else compltely but one quote always comes to mind, “she guided us here. she knew the way.” maybe in some subconcious connection it’s like i took him down this path. maybe i’m forcing him down it - or maybe he feels like i am. 

he told me he loved me, that he was in love with me, within two months of us being together. which he himself knew was weird and maybe inappropriate to say. is it wrong now to ask at nine months what we’re doing? 

it’s not really about seeing him tomorrow. or the day after. or next week. it’s about how long in the future will i see him and to what proximity can we work towards that being. i want to try and see a future. maybe thats a positive thing even. maybe thats why its pressing on me as much as it has been. i want to see a future. i want to see what will happen in six months. i want to be here in six months; not “here” but like, existing on the planet. and i want to plan in some way for that. i’m feeling like change needs to happen. i’m also spinning my tires, if i’m being honest about myself.  i’ve been picking at smal things - cleaning out closets & organizing things that are meaningless, cutting my hair & just being hyper detail oriented because i want change. i’ve even come so far to accept giving up my cats. i’ll keep them for as long as possible but i think i’ll live if i have to do something about owning them. i’ve cleared out a lot of things i own because theyre not useful or old or broken and it’s left me with the necessities and a few other things. i feel like i could let go of more and live fine. i’d almost like to live in a room again. but maybe it’s just feeling the big emptiness of this apartment. 

within a thin veil of positivity though is still a deep depression. i do feel like its a daily battle to do even the bare minimum. i have a really long way to go and i know that and the support i’ve been given has been top notch. i couldnt really ask for better from someone who doesnt really have that much of a connection to me outside of the one weve recently built. hes been a truly amzing human being. he has really not asked for anything in return either, but i dont think ive given him a reason to. 

i managed to help organize a show & make a book cover for a published book this year amidst the worst depression and health issues of my life because i’m still trying. i’m still fucking here. i truly did not want to be and i’m a little hesistant now but i’m still here. and i’ll be here tomorrow. i guess in some ways i feel like .. imagine what i could do with a little hope? beyond support now; what about hope? just something that could make me believe that what i want is in my future and if its not then let me move on. let me grieve and move on. i fear loss in my life and i think those who know me fear loss in my life for me as well - like it’ll have to be a life long bond now that we’re friends. and maybe sometimes i’d even like it to be, but i know friends come and go. 

on a personal level i feel like he’s kind of my best friend and someone whos one of a kind to my life not becuse he’s so unique but because hes so similar. he’s truly normalized alot for me and allowed me to feel like an actual human and not some demented version of one. i will honestly cherish knowing that. so i have no problem hanging out with him regularly. i truthfully see him about 4 hours a day, where he may also be playing video games for atleast half or more of those hours. which is fine, but i wish he’d recognize that despite me being there, its nothing really special. 

i know he loves me. and i guess hes so good in so many other ways that it’s even hard to point out these things because i dont even want to paint the picture that this is some lazy uncaring jerk. he works all the time and gives alot of his free time to me when he could be alone or with others. and i appreciate and respect that but i feel even after nine months i’m intruding. i want to feel comfortable. i want to know i have a place with him in his life. but right now i’m just.. there. just this little shadow that he sometimes has. 

professionally i know if i shake my haze and harness the lessons ive learned and shed my own perceptions, i’ll build to something worthy. maybe financially viable. i dont know if itll be stable, i dont know if itll be a lot but i know i can do something. ive truly created something people believe to have a competitive edge and ive realized that knowledge i have is beyond the general public. i can do something very real and very serious and i believe even the people around me know i have the power to do that but i’m fucked up just enough to linger in the background; always lingering in the background.

can i sell a hypothetical? can i use it as a standing point - that i “know” somewhere in the future, i’ll be something more than this. i’ll have success in something, somewhere. you just have to trust and believe in me. which is just an odd statement to make and a really shaky ground to stand on. 

i need to quietly refocus - regardless. and i say that hesistantly; “regardless” means nothing has changed or i’m just left with nothing on this end of the spectrum. i was already looking forward to doing work tomorrow and i want to / am trying to build the energy & desire to really go through with a fine tooth to step it up that much more. but this has a cloud over it as well. i could wake up and decide its all not worth it because theres no hope. i cannot fully achieve what i want to be and do alone.i am prepared to always trade myself and my variety of skills for non-monetary gains in my life to live with the success that i want. 

my father told me that in order to succeed in school, you had to play their game. and thats applicable to much of life - life is a long drawn out very complicated with questionable rules game. maybe with some pieces missing as well. and if you figure out a way to play the game, you’ll survive. you might win, but most will just make it to the end. some get taken out too. some just dont figure out how to play the game. have i? i dont know. but i’m putting faith in my method because i entered the game slightly too late and dont have time or resources to catch up. i guess unfortunately part of the plan is convincing someone else to invest their time and resources into my plan. 

am i talking about business or romance now? i cant even remember.