#and even though it takes like 5 minutes to fix the audio i just don't feel like it

[iwakuraz]

flipnote practice from today. yippee song: I've been nostalgic for other peoples childhoods all my life - patricia taxxon

[televinita]

Reading Triage

I'm in a bit of a reading slump at the moment (a word which here means: I have only finished 4 books in 2 weeks), so what better way to fix it than by chucking back all my library books, picking out a brand-new set and/or placing holds, and then talking out the options!

CURRENTLY READING / LISTENING

1. A Study in Drowning - Ava Reid: this was all the rage last fall and I shrugged it off as "fantasy, not my thing," but fantasy IS kind of turning out to be my thing this year. So when I saw the new special edition w/ stenciled edges (featuring shelves of old books) in a Goodreads giveaway, I immediately investigated it further and oh, we're starting in dark academia, in an architectural college?? There's a house design contest?? Well that sounds great! So I'm giving it a go; got about 40 pages in last night.

2. The Spellshop - Sarah Beth Durst: this is my 2nd time around with it, because I wanted to hear the audiobook version. About 90 minutes left, and I better hop-to because it's due in 2 days.

3. One Of Our Own - Lucinda Berry: this is a just-under-4-hours audio exclusive thriller (is thriller the right word, it seems like a pretty domestic mystery), and I am literally only here because it's dual narration and the main narrator is A.J. Cook. The plot looks bland and unpleasant and after only 8% in I can all but guarantee it would be a 2-star in print, but I might give it 3 because listening to her voice is a treat.

AVAILABLE NOW

4. Legends & Lattes - Travis Baldree: attempt #2 to salvage the cozy coffee shop vibes out of an otherwise uninteresting story, now that the temps are finally about to drop down into at least the 50s, and if it doesn't work this time I quit forever because I have better fantasy places to be (but I really do wanna savor the romanticizing of coffee + baked goods).

5. Strongheart, Wonder Dog of the Silver Screen - Candace Fleming: I didn't buy it, but I am now more motivated than ever to read this. It's actually much shorter than I thought, being about 50% illustration, and I want to dive right in. Might even do so as soon as I post this, tbh.

6. Passenger Princess - Morgan Elizabeth: I feel honor-bound by winning it to read enough to offer a review. Honestly, the first chapter was quite fun, so if I just go in with determination to skip straight over the porn and judge the rest of the story on its own merit, I might enjoy it. (I will of course be judging more harshly for its Goodreads rating)

7. In The Shadow of Lakecrest - Elizabeth Blackwell: a 1920s Rebecca-esque novel that I own and have been meaning to read for 2 years now. I got so close to cracking it open this time...and I still might, but more likely the other books on this list will take priority.

8. Final Girls and/or The Last Time I Lied - Riley Sager: the references in Middle of the Night finally got me interested in these 2 I skipped the first time around, but it's still just...so hard to convince myself to try them, even when I crave a guaranteed good thriller. There's a reason I skipped over them the first time around, and that reason is they just look and sound generic as hell.

9. The Book of Cold Cases and/or Murder Road - Simone St. James: I spent literally the entire month of October a) not reading any ghost stories for lack of good options and being sad about it, and b) forgetting about this author literally every time I went to the library until the 28th. But now they're here! So...maybe! (more than likely pushed off til next year though. I don't feel particularly excited when I look at them, even though the first book at least has been on my TBR since its release)

10. The Widow of Rose House - Diana Biller: almost forgot one of the few remaining from my last round! A random checkout because it looks like an unusual sort of historical romance with like seven different appealing elements; lemme just copy the summary:

It's 1875, and Alva Webster has perfected her stiff upper lip after three years of being pilloried in the presses of two continents over fleeing her abusive husband. Now his sudden death allows her to return to New York to make a fresh start, restoring Liefdehuis, a dilapidated Hyde Park mansion, and hopefully her reputation at the same time. However, fresh starts aren't as easy as they seem, as Alva discovers when stories of a haunting at Liefdehuis begin to reach her. But Alva doesn't believe in ghosts. So when the eccentric and brilliant professor Samuel Moore appears and informs her that he can get to the bottom of the mystery that surrounds Liefdehuis, she turns him down flat. She doesn't need any more complications in her life--especially not a handsome, convention-flouting, scandal-raising one like Sam. Unfortunately, though Alva is loath to admit it, Sam, a pioneer in electric lighting and a member of the nationally-adored Moore family of scientists, is the only one who can help. Together, the two delve into the tragic secrets wreathing Alva's new home while Sam attempts to unlock Alva's history--and her heart

COMING SOON

11. Tracker's Canyon - Pam Withers: a YA novel about a teen using his outdoor/trailing skills to find his dad and evade people who may want to harm his dad (or him). It's been on my Goodreads TBR for 5+ years, picked when I was scrolling through looking for I.L.L. options. Looks fun and also relatively short, under 200 pages. Should be here in a week or two at the most.

12. A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking - T. Kingfisher: library doesn't have a physical copy so waiting on the e-book, estimated 3 weeks. I haven't read her before but I kept seeing this on BookTube and its title and cover looked so fun and cute. Probably a 3-star time but I still want in.

13. Piranesi - Susanna Clarke: this was on my original fall TBR at the beginning of September, and I've been slowly making my way towards it. No promises I'll read it this year, but if I don't get too distracted by the new shinies, the fact that this is much shorter than I thought has made me more willing to listen to its many rave reviews. Currently on a waitlist; "my" copy is due back on Halloween but I of course have zero faith in the people of this county at this point, so I'm going to bet more realistically on the second week of November (next copy is due back 11/9).

14. Before We Were Us - Denise Hunter: romance about an engaged woman who develops amnesia, not only forgetting her (relatively new) relationship but still viewing her middle-of-nowhere job at his family resort as a pit stop and ready to get the hell outta dodge; he must convince her to fall in love with him again. I WILL be going full Chuck/Sarah with this. Currently on-order at the library and I am first in line.

15. Beyond Ivy Walls - Rachel Fordham: This whole summary just sounds Immediately Great and like the kind of historical (1903) romance I love; wish I had access to a physical copy but waiting on the audiobook instead, estimated time 3 weeks. Love 2 have everything come crashing in at once!

All of Monticello believes Otis Taylor has been away fostering his musical genius. But the truth is that his father exiled him long ago, rejecting Otis's appearance and the scars that came with it. . . . At twenty-three years old, Sadie West left her family farm and found employment at the Hoag feather duster factory. Desperate to save money and help her family make ends meet, she trespasses and finds shelter in an abandoned building--and is thrown in the path of the town's mysterious bachelor. Otis's wounds are deep, but as Sadie's friendship with him grows, she begins to fall for the man beneath the mask

COMING EVENTUALLY!

16. Graveyard Shift - M.L. Rio: the reviews are so middling and I am also sure it will be a 3-star at best, but damn it, I got excited about this one months ago and now I HAVE TO KNOW (this is why knowing about new releases sucks! don't do it!). Waiting on an ebook copy because the library doesn't have a physical one. It is an absurdly long wait for such a short book (14 weeks?! i am PRAYING for a physical copy to be ordered soon).

17. Games Untold - Jennifer Lynn Barnes: on the other hand I am first in line when this releases in a couple weeks. Beyond excited for a collection of short stories and novellas aka BONUS SCENES for The Inheritance Games. (sometimes knowing about new releases doesn't suck)

18. 26 Ways To Come Home For the Holidays - Jennifer Joy: a "Thanksgiving to Christmas" novella romance about a department store in the 1940s. I have been excitedly waiting for it to be seasonally appropriate (for maximal impact) since spring. I still gotta give it 3 or 4 weeks though.

19. What Does It Feel Like? - Sophie Kinsella: 12th in line for 8 copies, at the library that doesn't show due dates so I'm guessing this may not arrive until December, at which point I might roll it over to the new year. Still, if it comes sooner, interested in this novella mirroring her real-life health crisis.

[kvalenagle]

It's a chaotic week, and there's no better way to greet a grumpy Wednesday than with this @merteazy Blinky art <3 It's a week of doctor visits and medical tests, which always leaves me grumpy because I can't always get any editing done. Pridelord is mostly through line edits, which are going fairly fast, but I needed to take a break to add in a new Whisper scene. I'll avoid spoilers, but there was a subplot I considered taking on to Saberbeak before finishing it, and when I was doing my line edits, I realized that I had the perfect moment to pay it off right then. It just required a few nudges. Most books don't get scenes added in the line edit phase, but the large ones like Ashen Weald or Crackling Sea had the same thing come up. If you're new to book creation, everyone is a little different, but my novels usually go through the following phases. Story-related ones are slow, the rest can be as fast as a single day or two. 1. I write the book. This is actually the first and second draft. Before I start writing for the day, I read and edit what I wrote yesterday. That helps keep it fresh in my mind. I ran a test early on when it took me an hour to write a thousand words, and I found that if I had just read/edited the last thousand words I wrote, it took about 30 minutes, and the writing went twice as fast. So this turned out to be a 'free' second edit as I went along. 2. I read through it in Scrivener (the most common novelist word processor) and make changes. My goal here is to fix story issues, foreshadowing, etc. 3. I read through it out loud with my spouse. My brain will often leap from A to D, and his brain needs B and C to be there. If I'm reading it out loud, he can tell me what he needs to make sure the logic flows, and I can usually find a way of saying it that works perfectly for me, too. And reading aloud catches some errors that I wouldn't normally find. 4. I hand it off to my developmental editor, Dustin Porta, and my beta readers. These steps used to be separate, but there's a lot of redundancy here. It's also a case where sometimes Dustin has a feeling but we need data from how fans think. A lot of Foultner and Henders scenes get saved here. I'll go through his feedback (~500+ fixes, some bigger than others), and go through beta feedback. Beta reader probably deserves its own post, but the biggest problem with editing isn't finding problems... it's the author editing out the good parts. Beta readers are flagging their favorite bits first, before the mistakes, so I don't delete, say, Cherine from the novel. 5. I print it out and do a line edit myself. This fixes prose, pacing, language, imagery, and echoes. This is about making sure the language compliments the story and doesn't detract from it. 6. It goes off to Tim Marquitz, my copy editor. This is spelling/grammar/etc. He catches the grammar things that're invisible to me. 7. I do a final printed read-through with a green pen (things I want to fix but probably shouldn't so I don't introduce new errors) and red pen (things that if I saw in someone else's book, I'd consider an error, and must fix.) There's usually a proofreader in here, too. You expect to catch 95% errors from each pass. This is often when the Patreon supporters get their ebook version =] Though it gets updated with the release version if typos are found after here. 8. The audiobook narrator, James Scott Spaid, begins recording the book. He'll always catch some things that got past everyone else by virtue of saying them out loud and doing the sound engineering. Once he finishes, I listen through, suggest changes if any come up, and an audio proofreader comes in. Usually once I've listened, Patreons get the audiobook. And during this phase, the final formatting and printed proofs are happening since the page count is finalized even if a typo or two gets fixed. And that's it =] Eight big steps from start to finish. The first steps are by far the slowest because they involve story changes.

[dzpenumbra]

5/27/23

I'm officially angry with my upstairs neighbors. And I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I got to sleep around 6 or 7 AM. I was woken up at fucking 9. Some kind of hammering or pounding on the wall right next to my bed, on the floor above me. It went on for like 30 minutes, at least. Long enough for me to give up on falling back asleep. Then I got sucked into an internet black hole for like 2 hours... then I went downstairs, made some cereal and ate it while watching skate videos. Then I got ready to go back to sleep, and picked out a binaural beat thing because that actually does help me fall asleep really well, especially for daytime naps, which I've always struggled with. The second I put the video on... they started pounding again. Not even exaggerating, it's fucking comical. I had to straight-up restrain myself from yelling. Really really bad fucking timing. And I could hear it plain as day with the noise cancelling and the audio in the headphones too. After a bit, they stopped long enough for me to fall asleep.

I shit you not... get ready for this... I woke up at like 3:30... on a Friday afternoon... to the sounds of them screaming while having sex. So loud that I could hear it over the noise cancelling, so loud that it fucking woke me up.

And... I'm just gonna get personal here, because... that's what journals do... I have some sexual-related traumas, and I have PTSD. And... though it's definitely not the dominant theme of my PTSD shit, it definitely sets off some really difficult shit for me. So... sex-related things can be a bit complicated for me, and waking up to that... it's really hard to put into words how unsettling that is. And, honestly... now that I'm thinking about it... I really feel for anyone who has young kids who lives in my apartment building. Like... that would be really fucked up for a young kid to hear that at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon.

And I'm once again in this position where... I'm getting thousands of reflexes pushing back against me right now. Years of training. "Do not complain. Do not be an asshole about this. Don't be that guy." Saying "something you're doing is causing severe disruption to my daily life" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't vacuum at 4 AM the day before Easter" is me being an asshole. Saying "please let me know before you do building maintenance on an adjacent wall, especially in the AM hours" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't hammer on the walls at 9AM on a Friday morning" is me being an asshole. Me saying "please don't blast action movies 6 feet above my bed at 10 AM when I go to bed at 5" is me being not just an asshole, but a dysfunctional member of society on a backwards life schedule. This is the narrative that has been trained into my head, and reinforced over the course of years... possibly my entire life. Likely my entire life.

I just...suck it up. And on good months, I find some way to... tap into compassion. Like my sloppy reflexive take on the Buddhist monk approach. "They have a right to their lives too." "They don't know they're upsetting me." "I can just sleep later." "I'm the one with the weird schedule that I can't fix."

I dealt with this same shit at my last house with my landlord fucking mowing my lawn outside my window, like literally a foot away from my head... twice a week... starting as soon as fucking possible. He mowed that grass so fucking much that it was all dirt in the corners around the fence from him over-mowing. And I told my landlords multiple times "I work nights, I sleep in, please mow the lawn after noon." But it was nearly always around 10 or 11, and never on predictable days... just whenever the dude felt like it. And it would take all day. And it would rile my dog up and get her barking, so I'd have to chill her out and hang out with her, on like 5 hours of sleep... and that just became my life until the snow started falling again. I even offered to mow the entire lawn for them - they were retired and lived in a building on the same property - if they gave me a little deal on my rent, and they flat-out refused to even talk about it.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like sleep disturbance is probably the most significant factor in my difficulty functioning in society and my difficulty in managing my mental health. And... I'm writing this at 4:30 AM.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I love the peace of these hours so much. I love the creative flow I get at this time. Plus... I just keep gravitating back to this schedule. I can't fucking help it, it just keeps happening. And it's been happening for like... half my life. What the fuck do I do about it? Do I write an email to my building manager, ask for a meeting and just chat with her about the problems I'm having and see what she suggests? Do I try to find out what room is right above me and leave them a note saying, "Hi, I live below you, you have really loud sex and I can hear all the screams and (no offense) I really don't want to hear that. I also would really appreciate it if you could keep it down a little bit in the AM hours, because I work nights. I'm assuming you don't know how loud you are because you don't have an upstairs neighbor, it's not the end of the world, but it's fucking with my sleep a lot so... if you don't mind keeping it down a bit I'd really appreciate it." Do I go with my plan of playing recordings of babies crying through a bluetooth speaker pressed directly against their floor while they're having sex? Do I find those noise machines that make annoying sounds that only young people can hear, and play that when they're making noise in the morning until they leave? I just... I don't know what to do.

I mentioned in therapy about my brainstorming on this here a few days ago. I struggle confronting people. Because it has gone so fucking horribly, traumatically wrong for me, so often. And not by fault of my own, by the way. That's the fucked up part that I'm really starting to wake up to.

God, okay... let's go down this memory road, because it's a super important one for me to remember. I was at the retreat place... trying to get off of meds that I was stuck on for what ended up being mental health misdiagnoses... living with about 10 people in their very early 20's. We were at a workshop with the eccentric founder, who was also the head of the Psych department at a local university. She was actually pretty cool, just... pretty out of touch with people like me, struggled to relate and communicate with me. She was running a workshop she called "The Shame Game"... where we all go around the circle and write a moment when we felt most ashamed, then we share it with the group, and hear what others think of it. I think it's a genius idea, and the fact that I'm referring back to it years later is pretty clear proof that it really is helpful for the right people. But it's a big step for people who aren't really... there yet.

For me, I wrote a moment that - at the time - happened pretty recently. This is probably not going to make any sense when I tell it, but I swear it's exactly how it went down. Let me get some ice cream first, so I can get through this, this one's a bit rough for me.

Alright, so it was Summer 2019 and I was well into my return to smoking weed and reconnecting with being an artist after my breakup and first experiences with death. I had been going out to the stream on my property every day with my dog, rearranging rocks to make the stream into a sculpted Zen Garden. I saw a standing dead tree trunk out there, about 4 feet tall. I was inspired to chop it down and make a bench out of it. I had no idea how, I was just going to figure it out as I went along. I called up my mom and floated the idea, because my hatchet and axe were over in her garage - along with the majority of my possessions. See... I used to live above that garage for about... 7 years? And I was assured that it was okay for me to move in at my own pace, and having my stuff there wasn't a problem. I felt some pushback from her on the tree trunk idea, and I have no idea... why? Or... why that was really any of her business? Like... I wasn't asking her permission, I was sharing an idea hoping for something like "wow, that's a cool idea" and just like... being respectful to let her know that I was planning on coming over (I lived 5 miles away) and getting my shit from her property, so she wasn't caught off-guard. I don't remember that conversation going poorly, but in the years since, she recalled it as very clearly telling me "no". ... As though she... has a right to keep my personal possessions away from me... her (at the time) 32 year old son... because she thinks I'm having a mental breakdown or something? That was the fucking paranoid narrative going around in that house. All because I was smoking pot and grieving a lot of losses alone, and reconnecting with art and spirituality.

But I digress... I... thought we were on good terms. I remember clearly, I was wearing a bandana and sunglasses, a white wife-beater with a big rainbow peace sign from the band Parkway Drive, camo shorts, barefoot. And I had my dog with me, with her bandana on as well. I got her in the car and we went over to get either the axe that I had used to hand-chop down a tree on my parents' property years prior... or my hatchet that I had since Junior year of high school. The hatchet I took on my 3-day thru-hike with me. The hatchet that had a ton of sentimental value to me. I pull in the driveway and my dog has her head out the window, because you know... she's a dog... And my parents are on the front porch. My mom's dog comes charging across the driveway at my parked car and the dogs start barking at each other. Her dog started to jump up on my car. See, despite these two dogs being around the same age, and very similar personalities... my mom outright aggressively refused to introduce the two. Despite my poor girl not having any dog friends, and being super sweet and social. And my mom's dog was a really nice girl too, who also had no friends. But my mom was fed some weird rhetoric like 20+ years ago that female dogs will fight to the death? And you never have female dogs around each other. And... I tried to disprove this to my mom. I tried to show her examples. My girl's first best friend was a big 2 year old mutt named Luna, they were wild, they played rough, but they would like... cuddle up together. There was never aggression, they were always overjoyed to see each other.

So... I'm guessing that panic primed the interaction. My mom came racing off the porch. I had already pulled her dog away from my car and closed the window on that side. There was no issue at all with the dogs and I took care of it swiftly and without incident. My mom starts freaking out on me. She started acting like I had done something wrong. Which, I'm now realizing like 4 years later is like... blatant reflexive gaslighting. Like, obvious. She's ashamed of how her dog reacted, so she makes me the bad guy. But that shit... it escalated quickly. And it got even worse when my dad came over and backed her up. I'm standing in her driveway, barefoot, and they're just like "what do you want? why are you here?" And I keep repeating, "I'm just here for my axe and my hatchet. I told you I was coming over. Are they in the garage? Are they in the barn?" And my mom starts telling me I can't have them. I remind her that they are my property... and she is simply storing them... and she can't really like... tell me I can't have access to my own tools... She doubles down. This escalated to them threatening to call the cops on me for trespassing if I didn't leave. And I still don't even fucking know why. Like... it's got to be panic. It's still so surreal looking back and going... "yeah, that actually happened."

They freaked out and went inside. I gave up on the axe and went into the garage and looked around for my hatchet in the last spot I remember it being. I couldn't find it. In fact, the area where all the tools had been was just... gone. I went upstairs where all my shit was stored and... it was a fucking warzone. She had gotten construction done on that building while all my shit was still there. There was drywall dust and spackle and paint and shit all over my stuff. My fucking college degree was bent and covered in drywall dust. I took fucking photos, it was so appalling that I was worried I might need them for a court case or something. Half of my tattooing supplies were ruined. I told my mom I was using this opportunity (since I was there) to organize my shit and get it the hell out of there ASAP. That if she was going to try to control and regulate my access to my own fucking possessions? And after seeing how horribly my shit was treated? I was getting my shit out of there as quickly as possible. And as I sorted important stuff very quickly, still in my search for the hatchet... I found some sentimental stuff from the past. And I... like a fucking crow with an abusive owner or something... brought sentimental things over to her back door and left them outside, as an offering. A reminder of who the person she was treating like this really was. Trying to elicit any fucking conscience or soul I could, through memory, to snap her the fuck out of whatever was going on. And... that was when I had the moment that... was my shame. Yes, I actually do remember why I was telling this story! XD The Shame Game...

I had the pile of offerings by the door. And my mom came over to the glass door and yelled at me to leave. And I tried one last time to beg her to reconsider. And my dad came over and backed her up. And she threatened to call the cops on me again. And I offered to do it for her. I offered to fucking do it for her. And I pulled out my phone and had the police station number stored in my phone and scrolled the phonebook to that number and had no fucking hesitation to do it if they threatened again. And... honestly? Maybe I should've called. Maybe I should've had a witness to that shit, and they'd have to explain how they were trying to call the cops on their 30 year old hippie son for "trespassing" when trying to reclaim tools for an art project. When he's a fucking artist, with a mangled degree in art.

I just want to note, for myself... I am trembling right now. It's not me being cold, it's not me being overtired... though those are factors... it's me reliving abuse. And it sucks. It's a unique feeling. Shaky, trembly, weak, tense. Yeah. Sucks.

But we're not quite to the part I was telling this whole story for yet. So... I didn't call the cops. And... my little brother appears behind my parents. And starts screaming at me to get off their property. I can see it in my head like a fucking nightmare, so vivid. The three of them silhouetted behind the glass door, screaming at me like chimpanzees behind the glass in a zoo exhibit. Very primal. And I... I broke. And I spat on the fucking glass, left the offerings for nature to take them, got whatever I could salvage and left.

And that was my shame. That I spat on the glass. That I let all three of them break me. I had a moment of weakness, and I did something petty. Out of aggression. Out of spite. Out of retaliation. And I'm better than that. I'm fucking better than that.

Can you see how strongly I feel about this?

But the point of all this was... when I told that story to my group... not only was there not a single jaw that hadn't hit the fucking floor... but people in the group were actually a bit upset with me because... because of how tame that was. Because no one could actually see themselves reacting that tamely in that situation. Like 10 people, all from different backgrounds, some very passive personalities, some more outburst-y... all unanimous that... I really didn't need to carry that shame.

But I do. And it showed me just how fucking important perspective can be. Especially for someone who grew up in or has spent a substantial amount of time in a manipulative, controlling and/or abusive environment.

So... now that you know that story... a little taste of my upbringing... Now you know what my brain thinks it's going to get as a reaction to spitting on a window and storming off. Imagine what my brain thinks is going to happen with... direct confrontation with a stranger.

You ready for a fucked up formula? The PTSD spiral? My trauma is set off by these people fucking up my sleep. And it gets to the point of crippling my entire life if left unchecked. How do I address it? Communication, right? Which... in this case... is almost exclusively confrontation. Confronting disruptive behaviors. And my ability to confront... is affected by how severely agitated my PTSD is. So... the more I need to confront people, the more my primal threat detection systems shut me down, the more I self-sabotage and find ways to talk myself out of confrontation. To protect me from blame, to protect me from shame, to protect me from harm. Be it physical (threat to housing stability, living near a known enemy), psychological (the way I think) or spiritual (the way I feel). My survival instincts will very quickly start to paint any narrative they can to keep me from confronting others and thus putting myself in harm's way - and lucky me... I've been fed plenty of easily believable self-protective (self-blaming/self-destructive) narratives my entire life, taught to me by my gaslighting family and toxic past relationships.

<heavy sigh>

Welp... it's 5:30 now. XD

It's exhausting living like this. And, in a fucking weird way... I envy the people who live above me. How simple and carefree their life must be!

But I have to remember... as much pain as I've suffered, as much as I have never deserved any of what I've been through. I've grown so much because of it. I am so fucking strong because of it. In so many ways, I am not a victim any more. I am a survivor. And though the war may be over... for now... I still carry habits, and I need to learn how to navigate things like this. Specifically confrontation and setting boundaries. And the only way to learn is to practice.

I'm just upset that I've been begging for help with this for years... just someone to go with me and hold my hand, or proofread shit, or something. And... that person just doesn't exist. And I don't think I've ever met anyone (except maybe my little brother) who needs help with that more than me.

Alright, enough of that for now. That was very intense.

I spent a huge chunk of the evening inking the skull. It looks so fucking cool. I know I had my doubts and shit, I always do... but... this is really sick. I, with my obsession for clean forms and details, decided to start inking with a wooden skewer instead of my tiny detail paintbrush. It allowed me more precision. So I spent most of the night dipping a wooden kebab skewer into Kuro Sumi outlining ink and inking an abstract design onto a goat skull. And the ink from last night did not bleed or smudge. It dried on it really well, actually. So I went buck wild with it, and I got... probably 2/3 of the abstract design that I penciled done. The ink flows incredibly well on bone, it's hard to really explain. I'm glad I polished it first. It feels like plastic, very smooth application which lets you make really smooth lines and fill areas really quickly. But unlike plastic, it's naturally porous, so a lot of the ink actually does subtle absorb into the bone. I enjoyed the process and look forward to working on it tomorrow! I'll most likely share the final product on here.

Since it's already 5:30, let's just go whole hog tonight and do tarot too. Fuck it. It's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow, and there's like an 80% chance I'm just going to be woken up in a few hours anyway. Same spread as always.

First Position - Past - Two of Wands (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Swords, inverted (Intellect, apply logic and reason, Clarity and focus of mind.) Third Position - Future - I: The Magician (Balance between conscious and subconscious, unity between spirit and matter.  Indicates a period of ability to manifest will.)

Alright. So we're starting with a period from my past... a thread that originates in my ambition, determination and planning. This led to... present situations where logic and reason are actually causing dysfunction. Or... something's out of whack with my clarity and focus? Like my plans aren't coming to fruition because of a disruption in the Ace of Swords symbol in the Present. And... if that thread continues... there will continue to be a disruption in my equilibrium as a well-balanced person. Disrupting my ability to become the ideal version of what I strive to be.

I mean... it's a pretty simple message, really, right? My planning... through the lens of skewed focus and logic... leads to me not being able to manifest great things. And that logic skew is mostly surrounding shitty experiences and false lessons taught to me. Like some of the shit I talked about tonight. And... I'm actively working on that. So, that's good!

Cool, welp, that makes sense. Alright. Off to bed for me. Wish me luck. I'm bringing the headphones upstairs with me this time. Maybe when those fuckers inevitably make noise, I can just pop the earbuds in and roll over. Fingers crossed.

But on a brighter closing note? The skull is coming along really well. I'm excited to share progress once I get to a comfortable stopping place.

[peachyysugaa]

gravity

– nasa operator!sim jaeyun x astronaut!gn! reader

miles of sky and space doesn't stop gravity from pulling him to you.

genre: strangers/coworkers to lovers, fluff

wc: 2.7k

warnings: 3rd person pov, probably inaccurate astronaut/nasa lingo sorry i'm a chemistry major LOL, one curse word, couple of time skips, food cw

a/n: yea it's another fluff one-shot 😎 finally a jake one-shot! i hope y'all enjoy this i took a while to write this but i'm p proud of how it turned out despite no proofread.

♞──────────────────────────♞

time on earth: 3:43 am

one of nasa's star rookies sits inside the mission room, monitoring the ISS diligently. today, sim jaeyun was assigned to keep watch on their astronauts as well as the station itself. it's supposed to be a reward for performing well on the latest calculations, but he can't help but find it a little boring. he flips through the cameras quickly, as if trying to find something new.

'yeah right, like anything happens in space,' he mumbles in his head. adjusting his thin glasses and stretching his chair to feel just a tad bit more alive, jake takes a look at one of the three astronauts on board as they float to the window. it seems to be l/n y/n, a rookie who excelled at their simulation tests and the one they say has stars in their eyes themselves.

the astronaut peeks over their shoulder surprised. they make swimming motions to reach over the intercom, which makes jake laugh a little. finally, they push the button and make a reply. "yes houston, this is l/n. is something wrong?"

the astronaut peeks over their shoulder surprised. they make swimming motions to reach over the intercom, which makes jake laugh a little. finally, they push the button and make a reply. "yes houston, this is l/n. is something wrong?"

the astronaut peeks over their shoulder surprised. they make swimming motions to reach over the intercom, which makes jake laugh a little. finally, they push the button and make a reply. "yes houston, this is l/n. is something wrong?"

now jake hadn't planned this far, but since he was already doing it, he might as well go through with it. "do you miss earth?"

he can see through the cameras that y/n wasn't expecting that question as their eyes widen. someway somehow, jaeyun was able to see the stars in their eyes everyone gushed about. maybe it was even better because they were actually living with the stars in space at the time.

"i-i don't know if we should be talking about this, but yea, i do miss earth," they finally reply. "not that being in space isn't fun! i just can't help myself especially since i can see the planet spinning in front of my eyes..."

it's silent for a bit, making the astronaut worry. "h-hello? houston?"

jake blinks before shaking his head and hurried to reply. "y-yes! sorry, i was just caught up in how lonely you sound?"

again, an awkward silence stills. the nasa operator curses to himself, realizing how awkward he must have made it and scrambling to fix the mistake. "i'm really sorry i didn't mean to overstep my boundaries!" he rushes. "my name's sim jaeyun, by the way. people know me better as jake."

"sim jaeyun? rising star sim jaeyun?" they owlishly repeat.

"that's me," he states back, rubbing the back of his neck. "i guess you've heard my name."

he sees the astronaut nod in camera before they're absentmindedly spinning circles midair. "you're my age, and you're already working in nasa headquarters. quite a feat would spread around, you know?"

jake laughs and shakes his head at their comment. "you say that like you're not star rookie l/n y/n."

at the sound of their twinkling laugh, jake's eyes perk up to capture the joyful astronaut holding their stomach on the cameras. "i can tell we're a lot alike, jake," you say with a smile stretching across your face.

it turns out he likes hearing his name off their lips albeit via nasa intercoms. calming down the beating of his heart, jake starts off the first of many late night conversations. "so would you like to hear what's happening on earth?"

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 2:26 am

"—and layla was having such a good time meeting other puppies at the park this morning!" jake laughs out with the rookie astronaut laughing with them on the other side of the intercom, separated by thousands of miles in between them. they've been talking like this over the system for weeks now, practically a little over a month. safe to say, the nasa operator was developing feelings for them, perhaps already smitten. sunghoon in the other unit said something about being whipped?

"i wonder how she would react seeing my puppy," they reply.

"when you come back to earth, the first thing we'll do is have them meet on a puppy playdate," he tells them earnestly.

"just layla and rosie on a date? what about us?" he could hear the smirk in their voice even though they weren't next to him.

"i-i-huh? what?" jake stammers. he heard the smirk, but did he hear the words properly? for one, he's not sure they know what he looks like. does that matter to them? without realizing it, his hands are taking off his glasses and fiddling with them.

"are you nervous?"

"hah, what makes you think that?" jake asks nervously.

"jake, i can hear you playing with your glasses."

"shit," he curses, and an endearing giggle is heard on the other side.

"i like you, let's make it a date between us too," he hears, his face gradually becoming hotter.

the chance to confess to his crush is literally handed to him on a silver platter, but he's too busy acting like a middle schooler trying to give chocolates to the person he likes. it's unusual for him to feel like this, his heart's beating way too fast for him to think, and he has to cough to calm down.

"it's a date then." a happy hum is the response he gets, which does nothing to calm the beating of his heart but ignites a new warmth in him. "hey, wait a minute, do you even know what i look like?"

"i kinda remember, but does that even matter?"

"i don't know what if you don't like my face?"

"please, my roommate told me you're on par with that sunghoon guy, and he's known as the prince of his division."

"yeah, but-"

"don't take this the wrong way, jake, but shush." he's sure that if they were here in person, they would put a finger on his lips. it seemed like a(n) y/n thing to do based on the time they've gotten to know each other. "i don't care what you look like. the connection we have together is enough, don't you think?"

he knows they're right, but it doesn't stop the sassy compliment from tumbling out of his mouth. "well, we have a connection and i know you're pretty and smart and funny."

perhaps it's just the color of the screen, but jake swears he saw a blush on their face. it makes him proud after he had somewhat embarrassed himself earlier.

"good night, jake," y/n playfully scoffs at him.

"good night, y/n."

'what a night,' jake thinks to himself with a stupid grin spreading across his face as he prepares the systems for the person on the next shift.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 9:18 am

today is the day. today the pod that stayed at the ISS for 3 months was coming back to earth, and everyone was on their toes. jake was currently scanning the computer calculations from any errors, clutching the paper and burning holes in it with his eyes.

"you good there, bro?" he doesn't need to lift up his head to know that it's sunghoon.

"i have to make sure these are perfect," jake replies in a tone that screamed don't-bother-me.

he feels his coworker's hand pat his shoulder in reassurance. "relax, jake. they'll get here just fine."

jake's whole body sighs when he takes a deep breath. "yeah, i know. i'll just check one more."

his friend offers a comforting smile and one more pat before leaving him to perform his own duties for the landing.

for this last check, jake takes it upon himself to calculate the angle in which the pod enters the earth's atmosphere by hand as a safety precaution. his head jumbles with all the physics equations necessary as his hand complains by cramping from how fast he's calculating.

upon finishing, he looks at the two final numbers side by side. "same to the 5th decimal place," jake affirms to himself.

"great, does that mean you're ready to turn it in, mr. sim?"

turning around abruptly to the sound of the voice, jake finds his supervisor and rushes to grab all the papers for presentation. "yes, ma'am!"

a smile graces her face as she takes the materials from him and flips through the calculations. "good work," she finally says. "our astronauts will get home safely thanks to you."

it's like a weight lifted off his shoulders when he hears those words. jake lets out a sigh of relief once his supervisor walks away and tells him to wait for further instruction. he folds into his chair, thinking about how soon he'll finally be able to see y/n in person.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 9:45 am

"everyone, standby!" jake's supervisor announced. the whole command center took a deep breath as they tuned into the astronauts, soon to be leaving the ISS via pod.

"l/n, song, johnson, do you read me?"

"loud and clear, houston," y/n l/n replies in crisp audio.

"get ready to launch then, atlantis ii."

"copy that, houston." the sounds of buckling and buttons flicking can be heard on the other end as jake's palms sweat.

"3... 2... 1... launch!" and they're detached from the ISS, launched into the endless ocean of stars and dust that is space.

"coordinates and angles, houston?"

"atlantis ii, the speed, angle, and coordinates at which you are to enter..." and jake hears his checked numbers be repeated to them. "...you'll be dropping in the gulf of mexico."

"copy that, houston. ready to enter earth's atmosphere in 3... 2... 1... entering!"

the audio delivers the rough shaking as the temperature regulation beeps steadily.

"your temperatures are in the right range, atlantis ii."

it's a rough 5 or something minutes, jake's not sure of the time. he just knows his armchair is having a field day with all the gripping he's doing. he can hear the shaking of the pod driven by the weight and the acceleration of gravity once it takes its pull on the astronauts' pod.

"prepare for impact, atlantis ii!"

everyone is rising up to see the camera pan to the oceanview team who waits for the pod to enter.

"initiating parachute!" and there! the pod appears on the command center's screen in high definition, the mic picking up some of the breeze of the mexican gulf. it enters the ocean with a large plop! and everyone is standing up and cheering.

"successful landing, everyone! congratulations!!"

sunghoon is coming to jake and lifting him out of the chair, engulfing him in the joy that comes from returning the astronauts home. he didn't realize he was staring stupidly at the screen with a blank look and still sitting.

"dude, we did it!" at the sound of his friend's voice, jake mirrors his friend's smile and they embrace each other.

"we did it!" jake replies. soon, he'll finally be able to see y/n in person.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 8:04 am

the next day when he clocks in for work, it's calmer and more exciting. jake can feel it in the atmosphere as the nasa operator walks through headquarters.

he makes his way towards the rehabilitation center for their astronauts, his heart unable to calm down the rapid rate of beating. he hears it before he sees it: the bell-like laughter jake was so familiar with, the one he associated with late nights. his feet is pulled towards the sound like gravity, his strides getting longer and his steps having a bounce to it.

jake hears his name being called happily, and he turns to face the voice with an unstoppable grin before taking steps towards the astronaut going through rehabilitation.

"hey, gravity got you bad, i see."

they laugh joyfully. "i'll be good in about a month or 2—i'm pretty quick at this."

"i have no doubt about that."

the two are silent for a bit as they do a few more crunches, jake crouching down in front of their feet to meet them. it's nice and comfortable between the two as he helps them go through their exercises.

"so about that date..." he starts off, watching as their eyes sparkle like stars upon hearing his phrase. his mouth starts to hang a little, loosening up to have words spilling out without his complete knowledge. "wow... your eyes really do have stars in them..."

they stop as they finish a crunch and reaches out to close his mouth with an eye roll. "close your mouth first, sim jaeyun."

"okay, but what about that date?"

"we're getting it. just wait a week or so when i can walk properly," they say with a teasing smile. jake can't help but to smile back.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 2:57 pm

the only thing keeping his nerves calm is layla. the golden retriever was far from nervous as she sat wagging her tail happily with her tongue out.

"jake!!" he hears from the voice he's come to love listening to over the past few months. looking up from layla while holding her leash tightly, he spots the person he's been waiting for and he's mesmerized, left breathless by what he sees.

a light summery fit adorns their figure as they dash towards him with a puffy pomsky dog equally excited. their smiles are bright and sparkles adorn their eyes as usual, but it doesn't make the effect any less beautiful. they slow down, owner and dog panting a little.

immediately, layla gets up from her sitting position to greet the new guests, starting to sniff the two of them.

y/n laughs as they squat down and let the golden sniff them and their hand before giving her warm pets. "hi layla! i'm y/n, and this is rosie."

the two dogs sniff each other in circles, but soon enough they're bouncing and pouncing each other as if they've been best friends since litter days.

"they're getting along so well, and we haven't even gotten to the park yet," y/n comments with a giggle.

"should we get going?" jake offers. they reply with a nod and holds their leash in one hand, grabbing jake's with the other.

if he's taken by surprise, he doesn't show it, but inside, his heart is pounding more than ever before and his head is screaming in joy. the pair walk together hand-in-hand towards the park with two even happier pups prancing ahead of them.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ゜・・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

time on earth: 4:31 pm

the two dogs are getting a bit tired, it seems, as they walk back to jake and y/n who were talking comfortably, y/n's head rested on his shoulder.

"look who's back from playing," y/n says as they ruffle rosie and layla's head, jake following suit.

"let's go get some ice cream for us and puppucinos for them?" jake suggests.

"ooh! that sounds good!" the pups seem to like the idea too, wagging their tails once more and looking at their owners with puppy eyes. jake thinks he's surrounded by three pairs of puppy eyes as he shakes his head in endearing disbelief.

"let's go then."

once they get to the shops, order, and receive their foods, the four of them sit down and enjoy their treats. the owners laugh at their dogs when they see them lap up their puppucinos with so much excitement and vigor, getting the cream all over their faces.

as the sun sets, it casts its glowing light onto the astronaut-in-rehabilitation, making jake's eyes move onto them. he notices a smudge of ice cream at the corner of their lips and without thinking moves in to kiss it off. y/n blinks their starry eyes at him, reminding him of their first "meeting" over intercom and camera screens.

"i like you," he blurts out. "can i... kiss you?"

"i thought you would never ask," they reply with a wide grin, leaning in to press their lips together before he does.

it's like gravity pulls them towards each other because they can't ever seem to get enough of one another, no matter how far apart they are.

[blerdstatic]

Microsoft Surface Headphones Review: 1st vs 2nd gen, and why they're great to Work-from-Home or anywhere.

So you're on the market for some new gear, and in your search you stumbled upon Microsoft's Surface Headphones, but you're not ready to make the plunge until you get some more research under your belt, right?

I don't blame you. The right head candy can be an expense these days, but hopefully this short and concise review can help!

Let me start by acknowledging that sound and music are more personal in nature, and everyone has their natural preferences. I happen to dig all kinds of music from musical soundtracks and trap to neo-soul and hip-hop. That aside...

Let's begin!

How much do Microsoft Surface Headphones cost?

Surface Headphones (1st gen) - $139.89 on Amazon

Surface Headphones 2 (2nd gen) - $250 from Microsoft Store

What's the difference between them visually?

To be honest, not much has visually changed at first glance. The design was pretty slick the first time around, and was well received. Even as I rode the subway or walked through the aisles of the grocery store, you could tell people admired the unique modern look. It's simple and clean just like the original.

The first gen headphones are grey/off-white while the second gen are charcoal black. They are beautiful shades, however it does make me wish for more colors. It would kind of be a good look if Microsoft offered four more colors that matched the colors of their logo (red, yellow, blue, green). But, I understand the safer play as opposed to going bold.

So what are some key differences that stood out?

Buttons: The 1st gen headphones had buttons that were almost flush with the cup, which was annoying. There were plenty times where I had to search frantically for the power button. The second gen fixes that by making the buttons pronounced.

Ear-cup Size: The size/diameter of the 2nd gen earcups are definitely larger, which is welcome because I have Will Smith ears. But not only that, it makes for an over all cozier feel.

Earcup Swivel: The Surface Headphones 2 earcups can spin around almost 360, which is great because I have more ability to wear them comfortably around my neck! I'm glad they fixed it this time around.

Multi-Bluetooth Connection: I was easily able to set up multi-bluetooth connections to my various devices, including the Android Pixel4a and Pro7. It was amazing to listen to music or video on my phone, then continue right where I left off on the Pro7.

Grease: One other thing to note...don't touch the black Surface Headphones with greasy hands, it shows much more than if you did with the white 1st gens. That's a user issue though, not a hardware one.

How do they feel once you pick them up?

Without a doubt, the difference is night and day. The 2nd gen headphones are more weighty, and for me that's a great thing. I honestly don't like my hardware/electronics to feel too light, because it makes me think there's not much going on inside to produce a quality experience.

Once I picked up the Surface Headphones 2, then picked up the Surface Headphones (1st gen), I was properly excited to listen. The extra weight provided a sense of anticipation that there would be more UMPH, in terms of low, mids, highs and bass tones.

Setup Time?

It took literally less than 5 minutes to open and pair the headphones to begin listening to music. It was quick, easy, and intuitive for me. I enabled blue-tooth on my phone, then powered on the headphones. Found the name of the headphones from my phone's blue-tooth list, and followed the onscreen/audio instructions, and boom I was setup.

Now if it's someone older or unfamiliar with blue-tooth devices, they might need some help going into their blue-tooth settings, etc.

What about the Sound?

I preferred the sound of the Surface Headphones 2 over the 1st gen. During my test I played all kinds of music at a 95% volume (almost on max...yes mom, I know it's not good for my ears).

One of my main gripes on Surface Headphones (1st gen) was that on higher volumes, and listening to music with more bass, it started to sound like 'rattling', as if the headphones could not handle the true sound.

The Surface Headphones 2 fixed that issue completely. I listened to all sorts of bass heavy music and not a single time did I hear rattling.

The treble is also more solid this time around, and truly shines when listening to slower soundtrack or classical music.

I would say that I'm highly satisfied with the sound on both fronts. And if you're curious here are some of the songs I listened to on both Surface 1st gen and Surface 2nd gen.

And here's the rest of the list in case you're curious or want some new jams:

Story of OJ - JayZ

Cyberpunk 2077 - Pacific Dreams Radio Playlist

Father Figure - Tobe Nwigwe

Will (Remix) - Joyner Lucas & Will Smith

O-o-h Child - The Five Stairsteps

This Land - from Lion King original album

Black Panther - Ludwig Goransson

Break You Off - The Roots

All the Stars - Kendrick Lamar & SZA

Nothing Without You - Tanerelle

Adonai - Sarkodie

Be Here in the Morning - Joy Denalane

Noise Cancellation and Ambient Amplification:

The noise cancellation is solid. With no music playing and maxed out ambient filter on, I couldn't even hear myself snapping fingers next to my head, or my wife talking to me in her normal voice (which is occasionally kind of loud - no shade).

The noise cancellation was great on SurfaceMulti (1st gen) but it's now even better with the 2nd gen, especially when drowning out annoying sounds when walking outside (such as people, cars, trains).

I also love the ambient amplification feature, that's easy to use by dialing up the level on the left ear cup. I use that regularly if I'm listening to music, but want to also know if someone says something to me directly. Or the other day, when I was in the grocery store and walked up to the cashier to checkout, I didn't have to take the headphones off. I was able to up the ambient amplifier to max, and speak with the cashier. Once I finished, I immediately turned my music and noise cancellation back up. It was pretty seamless.

Charging and Battery Life:

Officially the 1st gen gets 13 hours and the 2nd gen gets 18.5. After a full charge, and then turning on the Surface 2, the voice said I had 17 hours left. I typically only listen in 1 - 3 hour spurts at my highest usage, so that pans out to about a whole week almost without needing to recharge.

Overall Verdict:

I'm highly recommending the Surface Headphones 2. For the price point and quality, I feel like the Surface Headphones 2 are your better buy, especially considering how they stack up against similar competitors. I felt like Microsoft paid attention to all the things that actually needed improvement, instead of trying to switch everything up. That impressed me more than anything honestly, how they paid attention to the minute quality of life details. Compared to other headphones I've tried in the same range, excluding the Sony XMs, I'd say these are very well priced and outdo the predecessors as well as the competition. But even compared to Sony XMs, which are prices $100 to $150 more, the sound on the Surface Headphones 2 are definitely comparable. I certainly don't think you'll be saying "I'm really glad I spent that extra $100+ on these Sony XMs".

I would have no problem recommending these to anyone trying to figure out what to spend their next stim check on!

[thehylianbatman]

I posted 7,868 times in 2021

7 posts created (0%)

7861 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1123.0 posts.

I added 17 tags in 2021

#maps - 4 posts

#tw - 3 posts

#!yes! !yes! !yes! - 2 posts

#united states - 2 posts

#a billdip audio post - 1 posts

#i don't play video games any more - 1 posts

#really i just miss being free - 1 posts

#and i miss having time to engage with what i love - 1 posts

#i miss the people i've lost and the events i've missed - 1 posts

#to start it all over again the next day - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 94 characters

#and i could in theory though not in practice cast off these chains and resume my previous life

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Essentially a DeviantArt Journal

I was tagged by @andmaybegayer, whose tags for me just don’t show up, for some reason.

Last Song: I’m not completely sure. I think it was technically “Her Majesty”, since that’s the end of Abbey Road, but the radio has played stuff since then, so I can’t be certain.

Last Movie: The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, I believe. I hadn’t seen it in a long time, and my partner wanted to, so we watched it, and it was nice.

Currently Watching: Nothing! I have not been keeping up with any television recently, though Doctor Who always beckons, and my partner needs to see Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Currently Reading: The Trials of Apollo, book four: The Tyrant’s Tomb.

Craving: Something crunchy and my partner’s warmth.

I’m tagging @emoadeux, @youhavethewrong, @astriiformes, @mahouwl, and @lissy-strata.

0 notes • Posted 2021-02-18 05:09:38 GMT

#4

My 2020 Tumblr Top 10

1). 17 notes - Jul 10 2020

2). 8 notes - Jun 8 2020

3). 4 notes - Sep 17 2020

4). 3 notes - Jul 17 2020

5). 2 notes - Oct 2 2020

Trump got the fucking plague!

6). 2 notes - Sep 8 2020

7). 2 notes - Aug 7 2020

8). 2 notes - May 24 2020

Q:

9). 2 notes - May 17 2020

Bad Idea #1

10). 1 notes - Oct 15 2020

Song Recommendation Game

Created by TumblrTop10

0 notes • Posted 2021-01-29 21:44:15 GMT

#3

Hope you're taking good care of yourself

Doing the best I can. Thank you.

1 notes • Posted 2021-04-16 05:31:07 GMT

#2

I did it.

I finally fucking did it.

I’ve been trying to get back to November 26th since December 8th, and I just did it.

Now I get to make it back to December 8th.

This new “Now, where were we?” button is a damn curse.

Having a job does that to free time, I suppose.

1 notes • Posted 2021-01-12 01:35:19 GMT

#1

I keep missing you, even though I know it’s wrong. I have somebody else who loves me now, and I love them with everything I can give.

But that everything is not my everything. Part of me is still yours, after all this time, after all this growth. After all this progress. I keep trying to move on. It works most of the time.

But not all the time.

You completely ruined me for a good minute there, and I should resent you for that, but I don’t. Not at all. I should hate you and want nothing to do with you, but I don’t.

I want you here. I want you in my life again, in any form, as impossible as I know that is.

What’s wrong with me? Why am I so sentimental?

I still keep an eye on you. You want nothing to do with me, and I know that, so I don’t interact or anything. I just check to make sure you’re okay. I need to know you’re doing okay. I worry about you.

That makes me a creep, doesn’t it? That’s a bad thing to do, isn’t it?

So why am I doing it and why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I just be okay?

Because I got broken badly. And fixing from something like that isn’t easy.

8 notes • Posted 2021-04-23 04:55:36 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[baka-monarch]

In fnaf sister location

Once again I am asking you to forget everything I just said

Basically, just listen to what Circus Baby says to do and you should be alright going forward

Night 2 when you're under the desk and the metal cover starts moving you can actually grab the edge of it (to the right) and drag it back (not many people seem to notice that they can grab it)

When you're in the maintenance room fixing the power the best thing to do is to let one room get to 100% then use the audio to get Funtime Freddy back in his starting position, then get the next room to 100% and repeat the process from before

On night 3 when fixing Funtime Freddy when it's time to catch Bon Bon you can't put your curser on him or else he'll flee, so just keep him in your periveral vision (like on the edge of the flashlight) then once he's out enough click the black button

On night 4 though, when the Minirenas come and are climbing your animatronic suit- ignore them and focus on the spring locks, don't look at the ones climbing into the suit or you'll die. The only time you wiggle is if they're climbing up the side of your face, if those ones get to the top before you wiggle them off then you die. If you die in this night it's fine, everyone dies in this night at least once (unless they've trained in that night loads and have what they do down to a perfect science) because of how hard it is- like- it's so hard that after the game was released a week or more later q patch had to be released to make that night easier

For the last night again just listen to Baby's instructions and you'll be fine

If you wanna get the secret ending though first you'll have to beat the 8-bit Circus Baby minigame, which if you get the true ending then in the extras menu if you wait a few minutes a little 8-bit Circus Baby will show up in the bottom corner of your screen, click on that to do the minigame without having to die in game a thousand times.

In the minigame the patter of cupcakes they give you is not the same pattern as which cupcakes you give to the kids. I don't have the true cupcake pattern memorized so have this and take notes so you can remember what to do (take as many notes as needed):

Then after that do night 5 exactly the same again, but as soon as you leave the room where you scrapped Baby, then book it to the right (don't even wait for her to tell you to go left) where once in that office you'll play it the same way you did in fnaf 1

I could train someone to speed run fnaf

I have majority of the tricks and ester eggs memorized for getting 100% in the games (the ones released before Help Wanted not including FNAF World) and I have like pretty much all the game mechanics and animatronic cycles memorized

I know how to speed run fnaf but I've never played fnaf and I don't have money for any oof the games right now (I have security breach from a gift card), so I have no real fnaf speed run training nor do I have access to being able to train

But I can train someone else, I can teach anyone the ways to play, I can train people to speed run fnaf

[aira26soonas]

16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching

Motivational Monday - episode 91 podcast and blog simul-post

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

You know, there are some things that I’d really like to tell you as a teacher, some things I wish that somebody had told me.

1. Teaching is Hard

The first thing that nobody ever really told me is just how hard it is to teach. There are days where I’m tired before first period even starts, and I wonder how I’m going to do it. But then somehow by third or fourth period, I actually have more energy than I did at the beginning. And then at the end of the day, and I come home, and I’m just falling asleep by 5:00, because it’s so exhausting.

Listen Now to the Audio Version of this Blog Post (or scroll down to continue reading)

Listen on iTunes

Stream by clicking here.

This blog post is the transcript.

Click the button for iTunes or Stitcher to subscribe to this show

    2. Becoming a Great Teacher Takes Time

The other thing they don’t tell you is that teachers sometimes can’t come into a classroom and wave a magic wand and just be an amazing teacher. It takes time to earn trust and develop relationships.

But when you develop that trust and you build those relationships, then you get a reputation. And if that reputation is awesome, it actually makes it easier to teach the next year, because you get a reputation for being fair, for being kind, for giving kids the benefit of the doubt, for loving kids.

You can’t hide who you are.

3. You Can Change

But I’ll also tell you, because I royally screwed up that first two or three years. I mean, I think every mistake in the book that you could make — I probably made.

You CAN turn it around. You can do better if you realize that you’ve messed up, because it does take a while to build those relationships.

You have to relate before you can educate.

4. Problems Can Grow Your Wisdom

The other thing they don’t tell you is how wisdom is grown in the fertile soil of problems and mess-ups. If you actually learn from your mistakes, you’ll be a better teacher tomorrow. I think one of the things that had shocked me the most though is that if you stop learning, you could be a worse teacher after 20 years than five. This was actually mentioned on one of our shows. And it just kind of blew me away. In fact, it scares me.

I just finished my 15th year of teaching. And the thought that if I don’t intentionally learn, innovate like a turtle, like I always say, then I can actually become a worse teacher over time.

5 – Your Attitude Changes Everything You Do

Another thing is that your attitude can either be like acid or sweet tea. Whatever you soak in either makes you sweeter or it makes you sour. Now, you know, some teachers think that they can go in the teacher’s lounge and they can just vent, they can trash students on the lunch table, and then they can turn around in their classroom and they can just be all “pumpkin pie.”

It doesn’t work that way.

Your attitude comes out.

6 – You Get What You Expect – So Expect Greatness

Well, you get what you expect. Whatever you believe you receive. So I expect amazing things from my students, and I really guard my heart from that negativity. And you know what; sometimes, there are people that I have to avoid because they are so negative. And when I get negative, I hope I have good enough friends that will say,

“Okay, Vicki, that’s enough; you’re getting negative.”

Because that attitude determines everything. It just rolls off you. People can almost smell it. What is your attitude? If your attitude was a smell, what would it be?

7 – Teaching is a Sacrifice Made By the Whole Family

I think another thing I wish somebody had told me (and my Mom tried to because she was a teacher) but teaching is a sacrifice made by the whole family. We know in April and May that we have to let the “rough end drag.” And my husband knows it too.

He does more laundry in May (now, don’t go fussing at your husbands or your wives) but he does do more laundry in May than really any time of the year. We know that it’s going to be hard, because it’s not just the teacher that makes the sacrifice. My husband sacrifices part of me for me to choose this profession.

We also sacrifice monetarily. Most of us could earn more money outside the classroom, but I’ll tell you this; I can never have more of a legacy than I earn in the classroom with my students, and that’s hard.

8 – Motivational Speakers Can’t “Fix” Your Struggles – You Have to Stay Grounded

I think another thing that you have to remember, especially as you go to conferences, is that no motivational speaker can fix the hurt and pain, but learning is important anyway.

You know, people want the magic bullet; they want to have the perfect tool. They want to have “the” perfect thought. They want to have something perfect to just fix it and make all the hurt and pain of teaching in the classroom go away. Well, you can’t. I mean, the only thing that I have is I get up every morning and pray for about an hour, hour and a half. If I didn’t pray and have my quiet time, I couldn’t be a teacher; honestly, I couldn’t, because I’m called to it. And I need that encouragement in my heart so that I can make it.

And I love motivational, exciting speakers, but it just can’t fix the struggle.

9 – Not Everybody Who Tells You How To Teach – Can Teach

There are also a lot of people who tell you how to teach who can’t. And I’m always really skeptical when I listen to certain people and I’m like, “oh.” My teacher alarm bell goes off and I’m like,

“Okay; I’m not going to be skeptical, I’m not going to be that acid, negative attitude. But you know what; this doesn’t really measure up.”

10 – An Excited Teacher is a Powerful Force in Any Classroom

But here’s a thing; some people get excited about “thing,” and the stuff they’re excited about doesn’t work, but they have an improvement in the classroom.

And what they don’t realize is that the excitement is actually what’s working. So I don’t have any problem with getting excited about things in the classroom, because that excitement rubs off. But it’s really hard to measure how much of your classroom is improving because you’re actually excited about something, for a change.

This is why I think it’s important for teachers to pick the tools that they want to pick. Because when you’re excited about it, just that simple excitement is going to help things. It’s going to help them try harder. It’s going to help them try to make it work.

And when you force – you can’t push somebody up a ladder — when you force something on somebody, you’re automatically kind of pulling away from that excitement.

11 – You Teach With Your Life

You can teach more with your life than you can with your lips. And you have to be really careful the things that you transmit to your students with your life. Because what you believe and who you are shows in how you treat them every day.

If you mess up and you have a bad day, and you go to a student, you say,

“You know what; I am so sorry”

that can help.

I did my end-of-the-year surveys, and I just had one student who didn’t identify which class they were in or anything, and they said,

“You know what; I really felt disrespected.”

Well, I don’t know who the student was; I don’t know what class where the apology is needed. So you know what I did; I apologized to all my classes. I said that

“There’s one of you in here who felt very disrespected, I don’t know which class you’re in,”

and I gave my heartfelt apology; because I want them to know that I care about working for them and being their teacher and loving them.

12 – Tears Can Birth Triumph

I think also, nobody told me that my greatest triumphs are actually born out of my midnight tears. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a student where you laid awake at night and you literally cried and you were upset about that student in what was going on. You prayed or you were just worried;

“How am I going to go through this?” or

“How am I going to work through this?”

And when you work through, when you fight back and you rebelieve in that child, as my friend Kevin Honeycutt says, you can actually make a difference in the life of that child.

And those are the greatest triumphs.

Those are the kids that you cry at their graduation and you stand up and applaud, those are the kids that you remember the years later; because you remember the tears and you also remember the triumph. Now, the tears just give you kind of a greater contrast. It’s a deeper valley that kind of contrasts against that big, tall mountain.

13 – You’ll Be Misjudged and Misunderstood

I think one of the other things that I wish that somebody had told me is that we get misjudged. We get hurt. People sometimes don’t trust our motives. And it may be something that they’re carrying with them, and we don’t really know why.

But that’s one of the most hurtful things, is when you’re judged. And sometimes you just have to let it be and do your best to make it right. But you just truly have to live with that conscience of your own or, as I say, you work for an audience of One. So if I’m at peace with God about it, I just have to move on with it.

14 – You Can’t Take Back Words Once They Are Said

But you can’t take back words once you’ve said them. There are things that can shatter relationships. And you should really guard those relationships and be careful.

There are times at the beginning of class that I’ll apologize at the beginning. I’ll say,

“You know what; guys, I’m tired, I’m fussy, I’m just warning you, I am doing my best. But for whatever reason, (I was up grading all night or whatever; I got somebody sick in my family or whatever it is.)”

I’m just usually open and honest. And it just kind of lets everybody relax. But you know what I found; my kids will come in and tell me the same thing. They’ll say,

“You know what; ‘Miss’ Vicki, I was up all night. I have a new baby sister and she screamed all night, and I’m worn out.”

And those are important things to know.

15 – Sending Kids to the Office Can Make It Worse

Also, sending a kid to the office sometimes can make your problem worse. I mean, I so rarely send kids to the office now; I just don’t need to, because I kind of want to nurture and handle that whole relationship.

So be careful. There are times to send a kid to the office, but there’s also a time to own it. If a kid acts out of character, address what’s really wrong. A lot of times, I’ll say,

“You know what; this is not you today. What’s up with you? Because this is not you; I refuse to believe this is who you are. So what’s going on?”

And they’ll usually tell you what it is. And then you can just kind of put the behavior aside as inappropriate and actually deal with the real problem, and actually build trust.

16 – How I Love My Students

Now, even with all of these difficulties and all of these problems and all these things people don’t tell you about teaching, I’ll tell you the one big thing. They don’t tell you just how much it means when that child writes you a note or they sit at your desk and they say, you changed my life; you made a difference; you believed in me when nobody else did. Kids will give me little presents here and there and they’ll give me little things, and you’ll never know who that kid is. But when they come back and they hug me and they say,

“Thank you; I was so mad at you that day but you made me do this,” or

“You encouraged me to do that.”

And you know what; there are the hard days. There are the midnight tears. There are the painful things.

But when you actually persist and be the adult and make a difference in kids’ lives, I’m going to tell you something; as hard as it is for me to say this, I give up money in the bank every day to do this job because I love my students.

And how I feel about them is something nobody could ever tell me.

The post 16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

from Cool Cat Teacher BlogCool Cat Teacher Blog http://www.coolcatteacher.com/16-things-dont-tell-teaching/

[patriciaanderson357-blog]

16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching

Motivational Monday - episode 91 podcast and blog simul-post

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

You know, there are some things that I’d really like to tell you as a teacher, some things I wish that somebody had told me.

1. Teaching is Hard

The first thing that nobody ever really told me is just how hard it is to teach. There are days where I’m tired before first period even starts, and I wonder how I’m going to do it. But then somehow by third or fourth period, I actually have more energy than I did at the beginning. And then at the end of the day, and I come home, and I’m just falling asleep by 5:00, because it’s so exhausting.

Listen Now to the Audio Version of this Blog Post (or scroll down to continue reading)

Listen on iTunes

Stream by clicking here.

This blog post is the transcript.

Click the button for iTunes or Stitcher to subscribe to this show

    2. Becoming a Great Teacher Takes Time

The other thing they don’t tell you is that teachers sometimes can’t come into a classroom and wave a magic wand and just be an amazing teacher. It takes time to earn trust and develop relationships.

But when you develop that trust and you build those relationships, then you get a reputation. And if that reputation is awesome, it actually makes it easier to teach the next year, because you get a reputation for being fair, for being kind, for giving kids the benefit of the doubt, for loving kids.

You can’t hide who you are.

3. You Can Change

But I’ll also tell you, because I royally screwed up that first two or three years. I mean, I think every mistake in the book that you could make — I probably made.

You CAN turn it around. You can do better if you realize that you’ve messed up, because it does take a while to build those relationships.

You have to relate before you can educate.

4. Problems Can Grow Your Wisdom

The other thing they don’t tell you is how wisdom is grown in the fertile soil of problems and mess-ups. If you actually learn from your mistakes, you’ll be a better teacher tomorrow. I think one of the things that had shocked me the most though is that if you stop learning, you could be a worse teacher after 20 years than five. This was actually mentioned on one of our shows. And it just kind of blew me away. In fact, it scares me.

I just finished my 15th year of teaching. And the thought that if I don’t intentionally learn, innovate like a turtle, like I always say, then I can actually become a worse teacher over time.

5 – Your Attitude Changes Everything You Do

Another thing is that your attitude can either be like acid or sweet tea. Whatever you soak in either makes you sweeter or it makes you sour. Now, you know, some teachers think that they can go in the teacher’s lounge and they can just vent, they can trash students on the lunch table, and then they can turn around in their classroom and they can just be all “pumpkin pie.”

It doesn’t work that way.

Your attitude comes out.

6 – You Get What You Expect – So Expect Greatness

Well, you get what you expect. Whatever you believe you receive. So I expect amazing things from my students, and I really guard my heart from that negativity. And you know what; sometimes, there are people that I have to avoid because they are so negative. And when I get negative, I hope I have good enough friends that will say,

“Okay, Vicki, that’s enough; you’re getting negative.”

Because that attitude determines everything. It just rolls off you. People can almost smell it. What is your attitude? If your attitude was a smell, what would it be?

7 – Teaching is a Sacrifice Made By the Whole Family

I think another thing I wish somebody had told me (and my Mom tried to because she was a teacher) but teaching is a sacrifice made by the whole family. We know in April and May that we have to let the “rough end drag.” And my husband knows it too.

He does more laundry in May (now, don’t go fussing at your husbands or your wives) but he does do more laundry in May than really any time of the year. We know that it’s going to be hard, because it’s not just the teacher that makes the sacrifice. My husband sacrifices part of me for me to choose this profession.

We also sacrifice monetarily. Most of us could earn more money outside the classroom, but I’ll tell you this; I can never have more of a legacy than I earn in the classroom with my students, and that’s hard.

8 – Motivational Speakers Can’t “Fix” Your Struggles – You Have to Stay Grounded

I think another thing that you have to remember, especially as you go to conferences, is that no motivational speaker can fix the hurt and pain, but learning is important anyway.

You know, people want the magic bullet; they want to have the perfect tool. They want to have “the” perfect thought. They want to have something perfect to just fix it and make all the hurt and pain of teaching in the classroom go away. Well, you can’t. I mean, the only thing that I have is I get up every morning and pray for about an hour, hour and a half. If I didn’t pray and have my quiet time, I couldn’t be a teacher; honestly, I couldn’t, because I’m called to it. And I need that encouragement in my heart so that I can make it.

And I love motivational, exciting speakers, but it just can’t fix the struggle.

9 – Not Everybody Who Tells You How To Teach – Can Teach

There are also a lot of people who tell you how to teach who can’t. And I’m always really skeptical when I listen to certain people and I’m like, “oh.” My teacher alarm bell goes off and I’m like,

“Okay; I’m not going to be skeptical, I’m not going to be that acid, negative attitude. But you know what; this doesn’t really measure up.”

10 – An Excited Teacher is a Powerful Force in Any Classroom

But here’s a thing; some people get excited about “thing,” and the stuff they’re excited about doesn’t work, but they have an improvement in the classroom.

And what they don’t realize is that the excitement is actually what’s working. So I don’t have any problem with getting excited about things in the classroom, because that excitement rubs off. But it’s really hard to measure how much of your classroom is improving because you’re actually excited about something, for a change.

This is why I think it’s important for teachers to pick the tools that they want to pick. Because when you’re excited about it, just that simple excitement is going to help things. It’s going to help them try harder. It’s going to help them try to make it work.

And when you force – you can’t push somebody up a ladder — when you force something on somebody, you’re automatically kind of pulling away from that excitement.

11 – You Teach With Your Life

You can teach more with your life than you can with your lips. And you have to be really careful the things that you transmit to your students with your life. Because what you believe and who you are shows in how you treat them every day.

If you mess up and you have a bad day, and you go to a student, you say,

“You know what; I am so sorry”

that can help.

I did my end-of-the-year surveys, and I just had one student who didn’t identify which class they were in or anything, and they said,

“You know what; I really felt disrespected.”

Well, I don’t know who the student was; I don’t know what class where the apology is needed. So you know what I did; I apologized to all my classes. I said that

“There’s one of you in here who felt very disrespected, I don’t know which class you’re in,”

and I gave my heartfelt apology; because I want them to know that I care about working for them and being their teacher and loving them.

12 – Tears Can Birth Triumph

I think also, nobody told me that my greatest triumphs are actually born out of my midnight tears. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a student where you laid awake at night and you literally cried and you were upset about that student in what was going on. You prayed or you were just worried;

“How am I going to go through this?” or

“How am I going to work through this?”

And when you work through, when you fight back and you rebelieve in that child, as my friend Kevin Honeycutt says, you can actually make a difference in the life of that child.

And those are the greatest triumphs.

Those are the kids that you cry at their graduation and you stand up and applaud, those are the kids that you remember the years later; because you remember the tears and you also remember the triumph. Now, the tears just give you kind of a greater contrast. It’s a deeper valley that kind of contrasts against that big, tall mountain.

13 – You’ll Be Misjudged and Misunderstood

I think one of the other things that I wish that somebody had told me is that we get misjudged. We get hurt. People sometimes don’t trust our motives. And it may be something that they’re carrying with them, and we don’t really know why.

But that’s one of the most hurtful things, is when you’re judged. And sometimes you just have to let it be and do your best to make it right. But you just truly have to live with that conscience of your own or, as I say, you work for an audience of One. So if I’m at peace with God about it, I just have to move on with it.

14 – You Can’t Take Back Words Once They Are Said

But you can’t take back words once you’ve said them. There are things that can shatter relationships. And you should really guard those relationships and be careful.

There are times at the beginning of class that I’ll apologize at the beginning. I’ll say,

“You know what; guys, I’m tired, I’m fussy, I’m just warning you, I am doing my best. But for whatever reason, (I was up grading all night or whatever; I got somebody sick in my family or whatever it is.)”

I’m just usually open and honest. And it just kind of lets everybody relax. But you know what I found; my kids will come in and tell me the same thing. They’ll say,

“You know what; ‘Miss’ Vicki, I was up all night. I have a new baby sister and she screamed all night, and I’m worn out.”

And those are important things to know.

15 – Sending Kids to the Office Can Make It Worse

Also, sending a kid to the office sometimes can make your problem worse. I mean, I so rarely send kids to the office now; I just don’t need to, because I kind of want to nurture and handle that whole relationship.

So be careful. There are times to send a kid to the office, but there’s also a time to own it. If a kid acts out of character, address what’s really wrong. A lot of times, I’ll say,

“You know what; this is not you today. What’s up with you? Because this is not you; I refuse to believe this is who you are. So what’s going on?”

And they’ll usually tell you what it is. And then you can just kind of put the behavior aside as inappropriate and actually deal with the real problem, and actually build trust.

16 – How I Love My Students

Now, even with all of these difficulties and all of these problems and all these things people don’t tell you about teaching, I’ll tell you the one big thing. They don’t tell you just how much it means when that child writes you a note or they sit at your desk and they say, you changed my life; you made a difference; you believed in me when nobody else did. Kids will give me little presents here and there and they’ll give me little things, and you’ll never know who that kid is. But when they come back and they hug me and they say,

“Thank you; I was so mad at you that day but you made me do this,” or

“You encouraged me to do that.”

And you know what; there are the hard days. There are the midnight tears. There are the painful things.

But when you actually persist and be the adult and make a difference in kids’ lives, I’m going to tell you something; as hard as it is for me to say this, I give up money in the bank every day to do this job because I love my students.

And how I feel about them is something nobody could ever tell me.

The post 16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

[athena29stone]

16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching

Motivational Monday - episode 91 podcast and blog simul-post

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

You know, there are some things that I’d really like to tell you as a teacher, some things I wish that somebody had told me.

1. Teaching is Hard

The first thing that nobody ever really told me is just how hard it is to teach. There are days where I’m tired before first period even starts, and I wonder how I’m going to do it. But then somehow by third or fourth period, I actually have more energy than I did at the beginning. And then at the end of the day, and I come home, and I’m just falling asleep by 5:00, because it’s so exhausting.

Listen Now to the Audio Version of this Blog Post (or scroll down to continue reading)

Listen on iTunes

Stream by clicking here.

This blog post is the transcript.

Click the button for iTunes or Stitcher to subscribe to this show

    2. Becoming a Great Teacher Takes Time

The other thing they don’t tell you is that teachers sometimes can’t come into a classroom and wave a magic wand and just be an amazing teacher. It takes time to earn trust and develop relationships.

But when you develop that trust and you build those relationships, then you get a reputation. And if that reputation is awesome, it actually makes it easier to teach the next year, because you get a reputation for being fair, for being kind, for giving kids the benefit of the doubt, for loving kids.

You can’t hide who you are.

3. You Can Change

But I’ll also tell you, because I royally screwed up that first two or three years. I mean, I think every mistake in the book that you could make — I probably made.

You CAN turn it around. You can do better if you realize that you’ve messed up, because it does take a while to build those relationships.

You have to relate before you can educate.

4. Problems Can Grow Your Wisdom

The other thing they don’t tell you is how wisdom is grown in the fertile soil of problems and mess-ups. If you actually learn from your mistakes, you’ll be a better teacher tomorrow. I think one of the things that had shocked me the most though is that if you stop learning, you could be a worse teacher after 20 years than five. This was actually mentioned on one of our shows. And it just kind of blew me away. In fact, it scares me.

I just finished my 15th year of teaching. And the thought that if I don’t intentionally learn, innovate like a turtle, like I always say, then I can actually become a worse teacher over time.

5 – Your Attitude Changes Everything You Do

Another thing is that your attitude can either be like acid or sweet tea. Whatever you soak in either makes you sweeter or it makes you sour. Now, you know, some teachers think that they can go in the teacher’s lounge and they can just vent, they can trash students on the lunch table, and then they can turn around in their classroom and they can just be all “pumpkin pie.”

It doesn’t work that way.

Your attitude comes out.

6 – You Get What You Expect – So Expect Greatness

Well, you get what you expect. Whatever you believe you receive. So I expect amazing things from my students, and I really guard my heart from that negativity. And you know what; sometimes, there are people that I have to avoid because they are so negative. And when I get negative, I hope I have good enough friends that will say,

“Okay, Vicki, that’s enough; you’re getting negative.”

Because that attitude determines everything. It just rolls off you. People can almost smell it. What is your attitude? If your attitude was a smell, what would it be?

7 – Teaching is a Sacrifice Made By the Whole Family

I think another thing I wish somebody had told me (and my Mom tried to because she was a teacher) but teaching is a sacrifice made by the whole family. We know in April and May that we have to let the “rough end drag.” And my husband knows it too.

He does more laundry in May (now, don’t go fussing at your husbands or your wives) but he does do more laundry in May than really any time of the year. We know that it’s going to be hard, because it’s not just the teacher that makes the sacrifice. My husband sacrifices part of me for me to choose this profession.

We also sacrifice monetarily. Most of us could earn more money outside the classroom, but I’ll tell you this; I can never have more of a legacy than I earn in the classroom with my students, and that’s hard.

8 – Motivational Speakers Can’t “Fix” Your Struggles – You Have to Stay Grounded

I think another thing that you have to remember, especially as you go to conferences, is that no motivational speaker can fix the hurt and pain, but learning is important anyway.

You know, people want the magic bullet; they want to have the perfect tool. They want to have “the” perfect thought. They want to have something perfect to just fix it and make all the hurt and pain of teaching in the classroom go away. Well, you can’t. I mean, the only thing that I have is I get up every morning and pray for about an hour, hour and a half. If I didn’t pray and have my quiet time, I couldn’t be a teacher; honestly, I couldn’t, because I’m called to it. And I need that encouragement in my heart so that I can make it.

And I love motivational, exciting speakers, but it just can’t fix the struggle.

9 – Not Everybody Who Tells You How To Teach – Can Teach

There are also a lot of people who tell you how to teach who can’t. And I’m always really skeptical when I listen to certain people and I’m like, “oh.” My teacher alarm bell goes off and I’m like,

“Okay; I’m not going to be skeptical, I’m not going to be that acid, negative attitude. But you know what; this doesn’t really measure up.”

10 – An Excited Teacher is a Powerful Force in Any Classroom

But here’s a thing; some people get excited about “thing,” and the stuff they’re excited about doesn’t work, but they have an improvement in the classroom.

And what they don’t realize is that the excitement is actually what’s working. So I don’t have any problem with getting excited about things in the classroom, because that excitement rubs off. But it’s really hard to measure how much of your classroom is improving because you’re actually excited about something, for a change.

This is why I think it’s important for teachers to pick the tools that they want to pick. Because when you’re excited about it, just that simple excitement is going to help things. It’s going to help them try harder. It’s going to help them try to make it work.

And when you force – you can’t push somebody up a ladder — when you force something on somebody, you’re automatically kind of pulling away from that excitement.

11 – You Teach With Your Life

You can teach more with your life than you can with your lips. And you have to be really careful the things that you transmit to your students with your life. Because what you believe and who you are shows in how you treat them every day.

If you mess up and you have a bad day, and you go to a student, you say,

“You know what; I am so sorry”

that can help.

I did my end-of-the-year surveys, and I just had one student who didn’t identify which class they were in or anything, and they said,

“You know what; I really felt disrespected.”

Well, I don’t know who the student was; I don’t know what class where the apology is needed. So you know what I did; I apologized to all my classes. I said that

“There’s one of you in here who felt very disrespected, I don’t know which class you’re in,”

and I gave my heartfelt apology; because I want them to know that I care about working for them and being their teacher and loving them.

12 – Tears Can Birth Triumph

I think also, nobody told me that my greatest triumphs are actually born out of my midnight tears. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a student where you laid awake at night and you literally cried and you were upset about that student in what was going on. You prayed or you were just worried;

“How am I going to go through this?” or

“How am I going to work through this?”

And when you work through, when you fight back and you rebelieve in that child, as my friend Kevin Honeycutt says, you can actually make a difference in the life of that child.

And those are the greatest triumphs.

Those are the kids that you cry at their graduation and you stand up and applaud, those are the kids that you remember the years later; because you remember the tears and you also remember the triumph. Now, the tears just give you kind of a greater contrast. It’s a deeper valley that kind of contrasts against that big, tall mountain.

13 – You’ll Be Misjudged and Misunderstood

I think one of the other things that I wish that somebody had told me is that we get misjudged. We get hurt. People sometimes don’t trust our motives. And it may be something that they’re carrying with them, and we don’t really know why.

But that’s one of the most hurtful things, is when you’re judged. And sometimes you just have to let it be and do your best to make it right. But you just truly have to live with that conscience of your own or, as I say, you work for an audience of One. So if I’m at peace with God about it, I just have to move on with it.

14 – You Can’t Take Back Words Once They Are Said

But you can’t take back words once you’ve said them. There are things that can shatter relationships. And you should really guard those relationships and be careful.

There are times at the beginning of class that I’ll apologize at the beginning. I’ll say,

“You know what; guys, I’m tired, I’m fussy, I’m just warning you, I am doing my best. But for whatever reason, (I was up grading all night or whatever; I got somebody sick in my family or whatever it is.)”

I’m just usually open and honest. And it just kind of lets everybody relax. But you know what I found; my kids will come in and tell me the same thing. They’ll say,

“You know what; ‘Miss’ Vicki, I was up all night. I have a new baby sister and she screamed all night, and I’m worn out.”

And those are important things to know.

15 – Sending Kids to the Office Can Make It Worse

Also, sending a kid to the office sometimes can make your problem worse. I mean, I so rarely send kids to the office now; I just don’t need to, because I kind of want to nurture and handle that whole relationship.

So be careful. There are times to send a kid to the office, but there’s also a time to own it. If a kid acts out of character, address what’s really wrong. A lot of times, I’ll say,

“You know what; this is not you today. What’s up with you? Because this is not you; I refuse to believe this is who you are. So what’s going on?”

And they’ll usually tell you what it is. And then you can just kind of put the behavior aside as inappropriate and actually deal with the real problem, and actually build trust.

16 – How I Love My Students

Now, even with all of these difficulties and all of these problems and all these things people don’t tell you about teaching, I’ll tell you the one big thing. They don’t tell you just how much it means when that child writes you a note or they sit at your desk and they say, you changed my life; you made a difference; you believed in me when nobody else did. Kids will give me little presents here and there and they’ll give me little things, and you’ll never know who that kid is. But when they come back and they hug me and they say,

“Thank you; I was so mad at you that day but you made me do this,” or

“You encouraged me to do that.”

And you know what; there are the hard days. There are the midnight tears. There are the painful things.

But when you actually persist and be the adult and make a difference in kids’ lives, I’m going to tell you something; as hard as it is for me to say this, I give up money in the bank every day to do this job because I love my students.

And how I feel about them is something nobody could ever tell me.

The post 16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

from Cool Cat Teacher BlogCool Cat Teacher Blog http://www.coolcatteacher.com/16-things-dont-tell-teaching/

[ralph31ortiz]

16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching

Motivational Monday - episode 91 podcast and blog simul-post

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

You know, there are some things that I’d really like to tell you as a teacher, some things I wish that somebody had told me.

1. Teaching is Hard

The first thing that nobody ever really told me is just how hard it is to teach. There are days where I’m tired before first period even starts, and I wonder how I’m going to do it. But then somehow by third or fourth period, I actually have more energy than I did at the beginning. And then at the end of the day, and I come home, and I’m just falling asleep by 5:00, because it’s so exhausting.

Listen Now to the Audio Version of this Blog Post (or scroll down to continue reading)

Listen on iTunes

Stream by clicking here.

This blog post is the transcript.

Click the button for iTunes or Stitcher to subscribe to this show

    2. Becoming a Great Teacher Takes Time

The other thing they don’t tell you is that teachers sometimes can’t come into a classroom and wave a magic wand and just be an amazing teacher. It takes time to earn trust and develop relationships.

But when you develop that trust and you build those relationships, then you get a reputation. And if that reputation is awesome, it actually makes it easier to teach the next year, because you get a reputation for being fair, for being kind, for giving kids the benefit of the doubt, for loving kids.

You can’t hide who you are.

3. You Can Change

But I’ll also tell you, because I royally screwed up that first two or three years. I mean, I think every mistake in the book that you could make — I probably made.

You CAN turn it around. You can do better if you realize that you’ve messed up, because it does take a while to build those relationships.

You have to relate before you can educate.

4. Problems Can Grow Your Wisdom

The other thing they don’t tell you is how wisdom is grown in the fertile soil of problems and mess-ups. If you actually learn from your mistakes, you’ll be a better teacher tomorrow. I think one of the things that had shocked me the most though is that if you stop learning, you could be a worse teacher after 20 years than five. This was actually mentioned on one of our shows. And it just kind of blew me away. In fact, it scares me.

I just finished my 15th year of teaching. And the thought that if I don’t intentionally learn, innovate like a turtle, like I always say, then I can actually become a worse teacher over time.

5 – Your Attitude Changes Everything You Do

Another thing is that your attitude can either be like acid or sweet tea. Whatever you soak in either makes you sweeter or it makes you sour. Now, you know, some teachers think that they can go in the teacher’s lounge and they can just vent, they can trash students on the lunch table, and then they can turn around in their classroom and they can just be all “pumpkin pie.”

It doesn’t work that way.

Your attitude comes out.

6 – You Get What You Expect – So Expect Greatness

Well, you get what you expect. Whatever you believe you receive. So I expect amazing things from my students, and I really guard my heart from that negativity. And you know what; sometimes, there are people that I have to avoid because they are so negative. And when I get negative, I hope I have good enough friends that will say,

“Okay, Vicki, that’s enough; you’re getting negative.”

Because that attitude determines everything. It just rolls off you. People can almost smell it. What is your attitude? If your attitude was a smell, what would it be?

7 – Teaching is a Sacrifice Made By the Whole Family

I think another thing I wish somebody had told me (and my Mom tried to because she was a teacher) but teaching is a sacrifice made by the whole family. We know in April and May that we have to let the “rough end drag.” And my husband knows it too.

He does more laundry in May (now, don’t go fussing at your husbands or your wives) but he does do more laundry in May than really any time of the year. We know that it’s going to be hard, because it’s not just the teacher that makes the sacrifice. My husband sacrifices part of me for me to choose this profession.

We also sacrifice monetarily. Most of us could earn more money outside the classroom, but I’ll tell you this; I can never have more of a legacy than I earn in the classroom with my students, and that’s hard.

8 – Motivational Speakers Can’t “Fix” Your Struggles – You Have to Stay Grounded

I think another thing that you have to remember, especially as you go to conferences, is that no motivational speaker can fix the hurt and pain, but learning is important anyway.

You know, people want the magic bullet; they want to have the perfect tool. They want to have “the” perfect thought. They want to have something perfect to just fix it and make all the hurt and pain of teaching in the classroom go away. Well, you can’t. I mean, the only thing that I have is I get up every morning and pray for about an hour, hour and a half. If I didn’t pray and have my quiet time, I couldn’t be a teacher; honestly, I couldn’t, because I’m called to it. And I need that encouragement in my heart so that I can make it.

And I love motivational, exciting speakers, but it just can’t fix the struggle.

9 – Not Everybody Who Tells You How To Teach – Can Teach

There are also a lot of people who tell you how to teach who can’t. And I’m always really skeptical when I listen to certain people and I’m like, “oh.” My teacher alarm bell goes off and I’m like,

“Okay; I’m not going to be skeptical, I’m not going to be that acid, negative attitude. But you know what; this doesn’t really measure up.”

10 – An Excited Teacher is a Powerful Force in Any Classroom

But here’s a thing; some people get excited about “thing,” and the stuff they’re excited about doesn’t work, but they have an improvement in the classroom.

And what they don’t realize is that the excitement is actually what’s working. So I don’t have any problem with getting excited about things in the classroom, because that excitement rubs off. But it’s really hard to measure how much of your classroom is improving because you’re actually excited about something, for a change.

This is why I think it’s important for teachers to pick the tools that they want to pick. Because when you’re excited about it, just that simple excitement is going to help things. It’s going to help them try harder. It’s going to help them try to make it work.

And when you force – you can’t push somebody up a ladder — when you force something on somebody, you’re automatically kind of pulling away from that excitement.

11 – You Teach With Your Life

You can teach more with your life than you can with your lips. And you have to be really careful the things that you transmit to your students with your life. Because what you believe and who you are shows in how you treat them every day.

If you mess up and you have a bad day, and you go to a student, you say,

“You know what; I am so sorry”

that can help.

I did my end-of-the-year surveys, and I just had one student who didn’t identify which class they were in or anything, and they said,

“You know what; I really felt disrespected.”

Well, I don’t know who the student was; I don’t know what class where the apology is needed. So you know what I did; I apologized to all my classes. I said that

“There’s one of you in here who felt very disrespected, I don’t know which class you’re in,”

and I gave my heartfelt apology; because I want them to know that I care about working for them and being their teacher and loving them.

12 – Tears Can Birth Triumph

I think also, nobody told me that my greatest triumphs are actually born out of my midnight tears. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a student where you laid awake at night and you literally cried and you were upset about that student in what was going on. You prayed or you were just worried;

“How am I going to go through this?” or

“How am I going to work through this?”

And when you work through, when you fight back and you rebelieve in that child, as my friend Kevin Honeycutt says, you can actually make a difference in the life of that child.

And those are the greatest triumphs.

Those are the kids that you cry at their graduation and you stand up and applaud, those are the kids that you remember the years later; because you remember the tears and you also remember the triumph. Now, the tears just give you kind of a greater contrast. It’s a deeper valley that kind of contrasts against that big, tall mountain.

13 – You’ll Be Misjudged and Misunderstood

I think one of the other things that I wish that somebody had told me is that we get misjudged. We get hurt. People sometimes don’t trust our motives. And it may be something that they’re carrying with them, and we don’t really know why.

But that’s one of the most hurtful things, is when you’re judged. And sometimes you just have to let it be and do your best to make it right. But you just truly have to live with that conscience of your own or, as I say, you work for an audience of One. So if I’m at peace with God about it, I just have to move on with it.

14 – You Can’t Take Back Words Once They Are Said

But you can’t take back words once you’ve said them. There are things that can shatter relationships. And you should really guard those relationships and be careful.

There are times at the beginning of class that I’ll apologize at the beginning. I’ll say,

“You know what; guys, I’m tired, I’m fussy, I’m just warning you, I am doing my best. But for whatever reason, (I was up grading all night or whatever; I got somebody sick in my family or whatever it is.)”

I’m just usually open and honest. And it just kind of lets everybody relax. But you know what I found; my kids will come in and tell me the same thing. They’ll say,

“You know what; ‘Miss’ Vicki, I was up all night. I have a new baby sister and she screamed all night, and I’m worn out.”

And those are important things to know.

15 – Sending Kids to the Office Can Make It Worse

Also, sending a kid to the office sometimes can make your problem worse. I mean, I so rarely send kids to the office now; I just don’t need to, because I kind of want to nurture and handle that whole relationship.

So be careful. There are times to send a kid to the office, but there’s also a time to own it. If a kid acts out of character, address what’s really wrong. A lot of times, I’ll say,

“You know what; this is not you today. What’s up with you? Because this is not you; I refuse to believe this is who you are. So what’s going on?”

And they’ll usually tell you what it is. And then you can just kind of put the behavior aside as inappropriate and actually deal with the real problem, and actually build trust.

16 – How I Love My Students

Now, even with all of these difficulties and all of these problems and all these things people don’t tell you about teaching, I’ll tell you the one big thing. They don’t tell you just how much it means when that child writes you a note or they sit at your desk and they say, you changed my life; you made a difference; you believed in me when nobody else did. Kids will give me little presents here and there and they’ll give me little things, and you’ll never know who that kid is. But when they come back and they hug me and they say,

“Thank you; I was so mad at you that day but you made me do this,” or

“You encouraged me to do that.”

And you know what; there are the hard days. There are the midnight tears. There are the painful things.

But when you actually persist and be the adult and make a difference in kids’ lives, I’m going to tell you something; as hard as it is for me to say this, I give up money in the bank every day to do this job because I love my students.

And how I feel about them is something nobody could ever tell me.

The post 16 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teaching appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

from Cool Cat Teacher BlogCool Cat Teacher Blog http://www.coolcatteacher.com/16-things-dont-tell-teaching/