#and even if temporary it helps us regulate even the tiniest bit until we see s and see what can be repaired and what the future holds

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

Something k said last night really has stuck in my mind.

We were brave and asked her if there is something on our side that could be causing this pattern. We asked her if how we tried to hold her accountable when she was our therapist was done okay, or if it comes across in a harmful way. Because at the time, she threw it back at us and called us abusive and our words harmful. We knew deep down we wrote it all with care, focusing on how her actions made us feel, and constantly saying we understand the cause of her behaviour and still love her anyway. But... it stuck in our head. And now there are patterns. So we asked. Knowing we should not necessarily trust her if she says we are abusive again.

She said we did nothing wrong at all. We never did. It was her, and people who can not take accountability will run away from us exceptionally fast. But that is not us doing something wrong, what we do is the right thing. She said we are incredibly good at holding people accountable, that we are too strong for most people, and they are not ready. They will run. They will not face their shit. She said there is also something about us that makes other people see and feel their own stuff- that when people connect to our energy, they also connect to their own, and that can be scary. We've had a lot of people say this before, and I love/hate it in equal parts. I love that we somehow make people wake up, and I hate that it means they often run away from us.

Then we asked more, to get a sense of how people (therapists mostly, or the few people who know more than just our functioning parts) perceive us... why does this pattern happen? Why are we getting so harmed? So many promises broken? What is our part in it?

First, she talked about how intense it can be, because of the size of our system, the level of trauma, she said "it's like 50 people coming at you at once.. and I don't mean coming at you like you were harmful, but just.. there's so much. I wasn't prepared, I don't think many specialists even are, and they get overwhelmed." She said again that is not our fault. This was disorientating to hear just because our default is always a level of denial. We are always so fucking confused when things like this happen, and to hear her explain it like this on the outside.. it's so confronting. What do you mean? Why would you be overwhelmed if it's not even real?

Secondly she talked about something that happens which she believes is to do with the RAMC. Where she would get sucked in to our denial and avoidance, confusion.. like in to another world, so no "real work" ever really happened. Other dramas between us would be created and she'd always feel like.. how is this happening? She said she almost felt programmed in response. Our longterm therapist before her said the exact same, so this... I mean, it was disorientating and validating and heartbreaking and frustrating all at once. Like it cleared some fog for us. But then just even more unfairness. Like. These are our therapists. They should have not got lost with us. Will anyone ever be able to help us heal? Are we too broken? Can we do therapy "right"?

But, this is what stuck with me most.. she said this is something she's been scared of sharing with me, knowing it would be triggering (for RAMC stuff)...

She talked about this intense dark energy we have all around us. She said nowadays, where she's trained more, more experience with DID, she can understand all the parts stuff, all the theories, all the work she does with other clients. But this dark energy, and how connected to it she is with us, she can not understand and it disturbs her and part of what played in to the shit in our relationship. She said how she dreams about it, still, in detail... and she doesn't understand. We talked around spirituality, and our connection, all the nice magical signs we used to talk about that we've had our whole life before we knew each other, like a sign we were meant to find each other and we both said perhaps her being so connected to our darkness is the other side of that inexplicable connection. She went in to more detail... at one point we went quiet and she was worried she triggered us mentioning religion. Or that we thought she could be part of the abuser group. Which is always gonna be a thing for some parts. Especially if she starts saying shit like religion and exorcism. But it wasn't that. We were just struggling to remember the dark energy isn't US. She reassured us it's not. She said we are the light, that is why we survived, that is why we keep surviving, that is why our heart is so good. We asked if everyone close to us will feel it? We know most people dont.. we get comments on the opposite, on how we have such a calming energy, people use the word "light" for us so often. But do the few who really know us, feel this? Do they see darkness when we walk in a room? She said she can't answer for everyone, but she imagines they may not see darkness, but many will feel overwhelm, and again how that is not our fault, simply the result of what we carry.

She said that she just wants to help get rid of this huge heavy darkness around us. That she's never seen with anyone ever.... ouch. It just feels personal. I know its not. I know it's put on us. But it feels heavy.

At the same time it was validating and uplifting.. to name it. We feel it. We've seen body workers who mention it. And lately this past week, we've intuitively needed to go to large open spaces and lay on the ground and ask the earth to just absorb some of the darkness. It is so fucking heavy. It is like drowning. Hearing her name it felt hurtful but also hopeful.. like.. it's named.. now we can tackle it. We even did a kind of visual somatic thing together and it was wildly wildly powerful. It always is when we do it together. Which aligns to what she says about how she is so connected to our stuff in some weird spiritual level way even when we arent in contact.. the dreams she has.. it's wild and creepy. So when we do these somatic things, she feels it in her body too and we release it together. Which, I know many practitioners do to an extent, they are tuning in to our feelings and can feel what we do in our body sometimes. But with her it's like another level, and we do some kind of magic at times.

I am cautious to listen to her. I know she has been so damaging. But I know myself and know what of hers to listen to and what not, these days. This felt aligned.

I want S. I need S. Child parts especially. I need us to repair. I need it to be okay. She is so much more healing, comforting, secure, consistent, stable.... or was. Until now. Everything in me needs us to work it out and be okay together again. But while we are not, we need something, someone, and K is what we have. I wish wish wish we didnt need anyone. I wish we could just heal ourselves.. I wish when this attachment pain screams we could soothe it completely alone... but I can't. Not yet. I've come so far. So far. And we do soothe each other. We work so hard. And we can handle little triggers, smaller attachment pain, even big attachment pain when there's more than one attachment person in our life. But when this happens? When it seems there is NO ONE? We can't. We just can not. It is too big to soothe alone. And right or wrong we still choose the very questionable attachment figure over none. For now. Carefully.

[lydaciantar1750-blog]

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