#and especially be sus of anyone that tries to get you to respond privately like that to hide that theyre sending asks

[northern-passage]

woah. i've never ever heard of that scam but it's... ABSOLUTELY disgusting. as a person who could probably fall for it (because i'm a stupid naive little baby lol), i'm really glad that you're letting people know it's a scam. seriously thank you <3

yeah it's definitely one of the less obvious scams i've seen on here since they try to make their blog look real, and it's a relatively newer one; if i hadn't already seen it previously i probably would have just ignored it/not noticed. i only recognized it because i saw them send those previous messages to a blog i follow elsewhere, and they actually tried the same scam on the same blog about a week apart, making it very obvious that they're fake (and used almost the exact same message both times). so i don't know if it's a bot or if it's just some idiot doing it manually, but they sure deleted their blog real fast when i published that ask 💀

[storiesforallfandoms]

proposition ~ corpse husband

word count: 1880

request?: no

description: in which her friend invites her to play video games with them and she decides to playfully proposition the stranger with the deep voice

pairing: corpse x female!

warnings: swearing

masterlist

You had been bored out of your skull until you got a message from Sean asking you to play Among Us with some of his friends. You had met some of his closest friends, like Felix and Mark, of course, but he made sure to warn you that there would be some new people in this group. While that made you a little anxious, you knew that playing a video game would help you to warm up to the new people.

Sean sent you a link to the Discord call and you joined almost immediately. You weren’t sure if anyone else was in the call, so you didn’t speak for a moment while you set up the game. It wasn’t until an unnaturally low voice spoke that you realized you weren’t alone.

“Hello?”

You jumped at the voice, shocked that just that one word made your heart race a million miles a minute.

“H-Hello?” you responded.

“Who’s this?” the voice asked.

“Who’s this?” You immediately cringed at the lame response.

The voice chuckled, another sound that made your heart race. “I asked you first.”

“I’m (Y/N),” you finally responded. “I’m friends with Sean.”

“Oh yeah, he’s mentioned you a few times. I’m Corpse, I’m friends with Dave and Felix.”

“Corpse?” you question. “Is that your real name?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

You couldn’t help but smile at this. You were shocked at how fast you were warming up to Corpse, but there was just something about him that was just so warm and welcoming.

The two of you talked for some time until Sean popped into the chat. “Geez, (Y/N), you fucking nerd. You’re so early.”

“I had no other plans tonight!” you argued.

Corpse’s low chuckle alerted Sean that he was in the chat as well. “Ah, (Y/N) I see you’ve met deep daddy.”

Your face burned with blush, although you weren’t sure why. “Wait, deep daddy? Please tell me you guys don’t actually call in that.”

“Jason does,” came the familiar voice of Felix as he joined the chat. “Can’t blame him, Corpse’s voice even makes me question my marriage with Marzia.”

The more people that joined, the more jokes that were made about Corpse’s voice and how upset they were that Corpse was playing because he was such a good imposter. You sat in silence, chuckling every now and then but never really speaking. Not like anyone was giving you the chance with how much they were yelling over one another.

You started missing talking to Corpse one on one, but you knew the game had to happen eventually. You just hoped that it would go better than you were expecting.

The first few games started with you as a crewmate. You were killed first in the first game by Sean, who immediately self reported and got voted out because of it. The second game, you made it three rounds before catching Toast kill someone and got him out. The third game, you were in the other room when Corpse killed someone and he blamed you, leading to you getting voted off.

By the time the fourth round came around, you were teamed up with Corpse as the imposter.

“Easy dub,” you commented to yourself. “He’s too good. He’s gotten imposter like three times in a row and no one has noticed.”

You followed Corpse for a while, pretending to do tasks with him. You walked into a room that had only Felix and Rae when your kill button was ready to go. At the same time, you and Corpse killed them both and raced out of the room.  You were about to kill Sean when Toast found Felix and Rae’s bodies.

“I don’t want to sound sus by pointing fingers,” he began, “but Corpse and (Y/N), you haven’t left one another’s sides all game. What the fuck?”

“I’m watching her back,” Corpse responded before you could say anything. “(Y/N) is so small and innocent, if she died on my watch I would never forgive myself.”

You couldn’t help but smile to yourself at this.

“You blamed her for your killing last game!” Leslie argued.

“That was last game! I’m not imposter now!” Corpse responded.

“If Corpse was imposter I fully believe he would’ve killed me by now,” you added. “He has no reason to keep me alive.”

“Unless he likes you,” Jason singsonged, causing the group to all talk at once about you and Corpse.

“Get back to the game!” you called over them, even though the thought of Corpse potentially liking you made you feel butterflies in your stomach.

No one was ejected (Skipped).

You tried not to think about what everyone had been saying, but it was hard not to. You didn’t know what Corpse looked like, he made you aware that no one knew except for a select few YouTube friends, but you found yourself drawn to him. Sure, his voice was hot, but in the short time you two had to talk together you found that his personality was equally as attractive. 

The distraction caused you to forget what you were doing and almost kill right in front of Toast. You held your breath, hoping you hadn’t accidentally clicked on the mouse and absolutely decapitated Sean right in front of someone. When nothing happened, you quickly ran out of the room and as far away from them as possible.

Your phone chimed. You took your eyes off the screen for a moment to see that it was a private message on Discord from none other than Corpse himself.

“What was that about? 😂”

“I was distracted and almost killed Sean in front of Toast. Had to make a speedy exit.”

“What were you distracted by? 😉"

Lucky for you, another meeting was called before you could respond.

“Okay, for real (Y/N),” came Toast’s voice. “What the fuck is going on? You were just stood in admin with me and Sean, then suddenly you raced out, and now you’re just standing in the middle of the cafeteria not moving at all.”

“She’s distracted,” came Corpse’s voice before you could respond.

You felt your face heating up again. “I was distracted, by my dog. He’s currently at my feet with his toy. He keeps looking at me with his big eyes, it’s hard to concentrate.”

“Awe, send me a picture of the little guy! I miss him a lot!” Sean said.

No one was ejected (Skipped).

You took a deep breath and concentrated on the game. You decided to stick with Corpse again, only breaking off to make it look like you were fixing the sabotages that you were setting. You and Corpse managed to kill three other bodies, leaving you with one more to kill before winning. And you knew exactly who you wanted it to be.

You sent Corpse a quick message before going to look for Sean.

“Do not kill anyone, leave this to me”

Seconds later you got a response. “Aye aye captain.”

You entered electrical as Sean was doing a task. You walked up behind him and hit the kill button without hesitation. You watched your character cut his body in half before the victory screen came up for you and Corpse.

“I fucking knew it!” Toast exclaimed. “You guys were too sus!”

“What can I say, we make a good team, right (Y/N)?”

You smiled to yourself as you responded, “Yeah, we do.”

Everyone started talking the one time again, joking around with each other. You started feeling like you were fading into the background again, which normally you’d be okay with, but you were starting to feel more comfortable with the group. You wanted to feel more comfortable with Sean’s friends, especially with Corpse.

Suddenly, an idea popped into your head. You smirked to yourself as you declared into your mic, “Guys! Guys, I have something I wanna say! Everyone, shush!”

The talking soon died down as everyone listened to you intently. Your heart was hammering in your chest, but you knew there was no backing out of it now.

“I have a proposition for Corpse,” you said, which was met by cheers and exclamations of excitement. When everyone silent down again, you took a deep breath and forced the words out before you chickened out. “Corpse, are you single?”

You heard his low chuckle through the voices talking excitedly. “I am single, yes.”

“Good to know.”

There was a silence as everyone waited to see if you’d follow up on your comment. When you didn’t, Sean exclaimed, “What was the proposition?!”

“Wouldn’t you guys like to know,” you said with a knowing smirk to yourself.

The game went on for another few hours before you finally had to call it a night. You said goodbye to everyone and exited the game. While shutting down your computer and getting ready for bed, your phone chimed. Another message from Discord.

“It was really nice meeting you tonight. We make a pretty good imposter team, you should play with us more often.”

You couldn’t help but smile at Corpse’s message. You felt like a giddy teenage girl as you got into bed, clutching your phone tightly in your hands.

“It was really fun, I’m glad Sean invited me. I’ll definitely come play more in the future if you guys want me!”

You saw the three dots pop up, showing that Corpse was typing. They went away a moment, then popped up again, then away again. This happened a few more times before another message came in.

“About that proposition...”

“What about it? 😉”

“Was just wondering how serious you were about it, or if there was an actual proposition at all.”

You looked at the message for a long time. Of course, at the time you didn’t think it was serious. It was just a fun joke at the expense of your friends. But now that he was asking...what did you say?

You thought about your message for a long time before typing, “I was as serious as you want me to be.”

There was an extended pause on Corpse’s end before he responded, “Well, I know we just met, but I’m pretty serious about it. I’d like to get to know you more. You seem like a really nice girl.”

“You seem like a nice guy.”

“Can I Skype you tomorrow?”

The question shocked you considering what he had told you earlier. “You’re willing to show me your face?”

“Only a select few know what I look like, I trust you to be one of those few.”

Your heart fluttered yet again as you typed your response. “Well then, I’d love to Skype tomorrow. I’ll send you my name so you can add me.”

You laid back in bed after adding Corpse to Skype, feeling excited for the next day. You could hardly sleep now thinking about what you’d get to do in almost 12 hours time. It felt like too far away, you wanted to call him right then and there.

Just as you were starting to drift to sleep, your phone chimed again. You checked it one last time before bed to see a final message from Corpse.

“Goodnight, see you tomorrow”

“Goodnight Corpse, see you tomorrow”

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[greyfongschemmenti]

In These Arms | Chapter 16: Recovery

Summary:

Team Avatar is recovering on Air Temple Island. How has it been for you?

Notes:

Penultimate chapter is now up!

“NO!” gasping as you jerk up with a yell swinging your arm and causing a piece of earth from the wall to shoot across the room. Panting in a cold sweat you look around as reality kicks in - that you’re in your dormitory on the island. You take a couple of deep breaths before wincing in pain as your hand goes to the wound, feeling a wet patch. You groan as you reach over and turn on the lamp beside you and look down noticing the blood seeping through the bandage, “Fuck”. Someone slides the door open, “y/n”. You jump looking over and see Lin in her tank and sweats “Lin...sorry, did I wake you?” relief washes over you as you catch your breath. You close your eyes to calm down but Ming-Hua’s face is still imprinted behind your lids. Lin sees a chunk missing from the wall “No, I was working in my room when...” she bends the earth back in its place as you quickly open your eyes and rub your face trying to calm down. Lin walks in and closes the door behind her as she walks over to you. You move your hands and look down at your wound “Can you bring over the bandages? My wound opened back up” you strained a bit and you removed your hand to take another look, Lin sees the blood as well. “I got it. Just lay down” She grabs the supplies and sits beside you to start removing the blood soaked bandage.

You exhale deeply as you stare up at the ceiling, looking away from the wound. Lin glances over at you and her eyebrows furrow as she notices the dark circles under your eyes, the beads of sweat hanging on your forehead. She’s seen it in herself before. She rolls up the bandages and places them aside on the nightstand. “Nightmare?” she asks and her voice stirs you from your daze and you turn your head to look at her. “Yeah…”

“Red Lotus?” Lin dabs the wound with some solution before starting to put the bandages on. “Yeah” you rubbed your eyes in exhaustion - Second night”.

“You’re safe. I got you.” Lin finishes dressing you and stands up to toss the trash in the wastebasket.

You sit up a bit when she’s done and it looks like Lin is going to leave “I’ll be back” she murmurs as you nod and lean against the wall holding your middle, “Okay”.

You close your eyes as you rest, trying to control your breathing and to remember that it has been a couple days since you woke up. Last thing you remembered was falling asleep in the cot on the Zaofu airship, then suddenly waking up on a bed in Air Temple Island. Asami clued you in on what happened since you woke up. Apparently, you fell unconscious from  the loss of blood and Lin emergency radioed Saikhan and ordered him to send a team of healers to be ready when you arrived at the island. Kya helped as much as she could with little energy she had and you did regain consciousness but remained very weak. Doctors continued your treatment and you rested for two days with Asami, Opal, and Su taking turns watching over you.

*

Lin would come once everyone went to bed and left once Asami came in to relieve her “Lin, how is she?” Asami stepped in as she watched your chest rise and fall, Lin holding your hand “Nothing yet”

“y/n is strong. She’ll wake up soon” Asami put her hand on Lin’s shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. “She shouldn’t have been reckless. Why did she have to step in front of Mako like that?” Lin spat in a hushed tone as she paced the room. “She sensed Mako was in danger and had to save him. It’s who y/n is. When it comes to y/n, she thinks before acting except when it comes to saving people’s lives. In which case she acts before thinking.” Asami reasoned with Lin.

“y/n needs to wake up soon or else they said she’ll fall into a coma”

“She won’t, Lin. Have you tried talking to her?”

“How can you be so sure, Asami?” she pinched the bridge of her nose “And why would I do that?”

“Because I read it can help them regain consciousness. y/n is a fighter. We just have to trust that she’ll pull through”

*

When Lin comes back with a cup of lavender tea she finds that you’ve stirred “Here” she whispers as she sits back beside you on the bed.

You open your eyes and sit up - “Thanks, you didn’t have to” you smile softly as you take the cup from her hands and inhale the calming aroma.

*

Lin was relieved that you were awake and fully conscious now as she thought back to the other day, she was holding your hand after deciding to relieve Su. Su mentioned to her that she felt obligated to look after you after stepping in to save Lin. “Su, I’m fine. You should check on Opal”

“I-okay, thank you.” Su rested her hand on Lin’s arm before she walked out leaving Lin with you. She took her armor off and sat beside you as she held your hand. She brought your hand up to her temple as she felt for your heartbeat, it was stable and strong. Asami had sent her a message while at work saying that your body was regenerating blood nicely and the healers were hopeful that you’d wake soon. She remembered what she had told her about talking to you. “Uh, headquarters is a mess.” she awkwardly spoke then muttered angrily “This is stupid”

She took a breath and decided not to say anything else, instead looking up at you and her face softened “y/n, wake up, please” she muttered softly, you would always do what she asked when she said please. Lin hoped that this time would be no different. “Why did I think that would work” she sighed as she stroked your hand. After an hour your heartbeat had to lulled her to sleep when she woke suddenly to your heartbeat racing. She felt your hand twitching in hers and looked back and forth from your hand to your face and cupped your cheek “y/n” she called out to you and your eyes opened blinking fast as you looked around confused and scared.  “Where?” your voice was hoarse and dry as you brought your hand to your throat, Lin got up and brought you some water “Lin?” your voice is weak as you blink to clear your vision.

“Drink this” she helps you up and sits behind you, letting you lean against her as she brings the cup to your lips. Looking around you blink slowly “I’m guessing I fainted?” you rest against Lin, still feeling out of it buta bit more awake, “Yes, but you’re awake. Thank Raava. I should call the doctor”.

“No, just wait until morning. I’d rather enjoy the quiet with you right now.” you give her a soft smile as she settles back on the bed and holds you close as she kisses your head. “Ok”

“How long?”

“Two days”

“Heh, broke your record, Chief. Though I don’t feel refreshed” you smirked and though Lin didn’t want to, she couldn’t help but curl her lips up as she held you in her arms pressing her lips on your shoulder. “You’re incorrigible”.

*

“What?” Lin focuses back on you as you take a long sip then slowly exhale asking again “How’s the city?” trying to focus on anything other than the nightmare. “Chaos, with the Earth Queen taken down Republic City has been receiving a sudden influx of refugees.”

“That’s….great? No, that sucks. I don’t know. It's good that the citizens are free from the monarchy but it will be an issue for the city. That just means-”

“More problems for the police?” Lin finishes your sentence and you frown softly nodding as you finish your tea. “Yeah…”

Lin pursues her lips as she looks out the window then back at you “Have you…heard anything from your family in Ba Sing Se?”

You shake your head as Lin takes the mug from you and sets it aside on the nightstand “No, I haven’t. Maybe I should write, but hearing how crazy it is over there I’m sure the postal service is a mess.” you run your hand on your face then run through your hair “I’m sure they’re fine” Lin assures you and you nod absentmindedly

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“I guess they don’t know? About your current state?”

“No and no one should know. Don’t want to worry them. I’m fine”

Lin nods understanding as you look down and grabs the mug and starts to sit up and walk out the room. “Can you stay?” you look at her and she turns around to you. “I sleep better when you’re with me” you wince as you scoot over a bit in the bed as Lin walks over and slides beside you. “I can until you fall asleep. Your healing session is early in the morning” Lin responds and you nod as you lay your head on her shoulder while draping your arm around her middle. You yawn and exhale deeply as you smile and snuggle close to her, your face nuzzling into her neck to give her a light kiss, “Fine, whatever it takes to get back on my feet”. Lin kisses your forehead then brushes her hand up your arm as her thumb strokes you softly - you blink, trying to fight it but sleep takes over again. Lin stayed for a couple of hours, holding you until she forced herself to get up. She softly kisses your forehead and slides from under you, pulling the covers over you before quietly walking out the room.

*

“You’re sure you don’t want someone here with you?” The healer helps you into the basin as you slowly sink down into the water. “I’m sure, no need to worry anyone about me. The Avatar is far more important, continue, please doctor” you nod at him as he understands “Very well, captain.”

The healer did his session with your shoulder and other bruises before working on the wound. Once the hour session was done he double checked on the injuries. You notice he looks slightly concerned as he reassess your wound and you furrow your brows.

“Just give it to me, straight doctor. Don’t sugarcoat it - I can take it” you watch as the doctor checks your stab wound and other injuries. Lin brought doctors to make private visits to the AIr Temple to take care of the injured. It was better than to have to constantly move everyone back and forth from the island and Republic City every day. It would help the injured rest more comfortably - especially the cloudkids and Korra. Lin figured it would be better if the press doesn’t get whiff of the extent of Korra’s injuries and cause chaos in the hospital. As the healer applied pressure around the wound he watched your reaction, checking for any internal bleeding or infection. “Luckily the burn you sustained on your ankle will make a full recovery, no scarring. The stab wound however will scar but it should heal up nicely in time.”

“Scarring is the least of my worries, doc. Anything else?” you interrupt him as you grimace looking at the ceiling as you listen to the doctor’s explanation.

“There was some internal bleeding from your liver which was punctured. I took care of it and with time it will regenerate as new. If you rest and don’t overexert yourself you should be back to normal within 7-10 days”

“7-10 days?! There isn’t something faster I could do?” you groan, irritated by the news as you sit up holding on to the wound. The doctor sighs at your stubbornness and pushes his glasses up on the bridge of his nose as he tries to explain,

“7-10 days is the fast route, captain. Your stab wound was deeper than I initially anticipated. There was tearing  - most likely from when you kept fighting.“

“Deeper than anticipated? It was that bad?” concern fills your face as you turn to look at the doctor and he gently nodded. As he helps you out of the basin as he bends out the water from your clothes and helps you into the bed.

“Luckily Master Kya was there to stop any further damage or you would’ve bleed to death. Thus, this wound requires more time to heal from the trauma.”

You look down, taking in the initial shock of the damage you sustained and grip on the edge of the bason - “So when would you recommend I can go back to work?”

“My recommendation is to take the full 10 days and rest. Let the wound properly heal, build some scar tissue. You can head back to the station after that, but I strongly recommend you not to be out on the field. Let the officers do the fighting for you, captain”

You sit there looking down at the floor as you listen to the doctor’s recommendation.

“Have someone call me immediately if there is any bleeding or drainage that does not stop with direct pressure after 5 minutes. A fever or shaking chills, any redness or swelling in or around the wound. Any wound tissue that appears yellow, white, or black in color. Or a foul odor or pus draining from the wound.” He tells you all of this as you give him an expression of disgust - he looks up at you and shakes his head and smiles “I’ll just write this down so you remember.”

“Yeah...thanks, doctor” you chuckle

You take in the doctor's words and nod as he starts to pack, “I’ll be sending this recommendation to the Chief as well so she’s updated on your condition.”

“Covering your bases I see. Wait, you don’t trust me, doc? It’s fine if you don’t. I respect that” you smirk as the doctor chuckles “That and Chief Beifong asked me to send her any updates on your condition specifically.”

“Oh...well write in your report that captain y/n has been taken hostage but will be given back within 7-10 days” you laugh as you lean back against the wall before groaning.

“At least your spirit isn’t broken” the doctor smiles as he closes his bag and you look at him smiling back “I try, but thanks doctor…. for everything” you salute to him and he bows “Rest up, captain. The city needs you” he gives you a smile before walking out. “7-10 days” you whisper repeating it until you lulled yourself to sleep.

*

“Please tell me I can finally get out of this awful bed” you groan as Su helps you up after the healing session. Out of stubbornness you would fight with your doctor on giving you the okay to get back to work. He told you to take it easy, but you needed something to do so you’d work out and end up opening the wound causing the doctor to make another visit after refusing Kya’s offer to heal you. You’ve been resting for a couple of days and you’ve had enough of the hard bed, “Depends, are you going to listen to the doctor’s orders?” Su sits besides and thanks the doctor as she looks at the fresh bandages.

“I have but it’s taking an insane amount of time. ” you huff as Su walks over to the dresser and comes back to hand you a tunic “It’s only been 3 days, y/n” she smirks as she shakes her head,

“3 days too many” you scoff as you grab the tunic and carefully slide your arms through.

“Let’s take a walk, that might do you some good” you grudgingly nod and button it up then stand with Su’s help and she walks you out onto the gardens.

While walking around you notice the grounds are quiet and full of melancholy. There has been a lot of that feeling in the past couple of days. Your senses have been heightened to those emotions as you heard updates on Korra, Tenzin, Kya and Bumi from the visits from Asami, Su, and Lin. You sigh deeply as you stroll with Su, her arm looped with yours when she looks at you “Deep thoughts?”.

“It’s weird for the island to be this quiet,” you murmur as you walk over to the wooden pavilion and lean over on the railing resting your arms there.

“It has been eerily quiet, but everyone is recovering - it’s to be expected” Su comments and you look out at the city from Yue bay. “Not that I’m not happy by your visits but...why?” you look over at Su who looks slightly flustered and then huffs “I stopped the doctor on his way out the other day. He shared as much as he could without breaking the whole patient-doctor confidentiality thing.” you snort a laugh “Thank Raava for that”.

Su looks concerned and worried for your wellbeing “y/n please tell me you’re okay.”

I almost died. Is that what you want me to say? That I’m having nightmares?

“I’ll survive if that's what you're worried about.” you look at the water slightly irritated, thinking about what the doctor mentioned. You put your hands on top of hers and give her a light tap “No need to worry for me, Su”

She purses her lips  as she takes your hand. “Of course I worry. Opal and I meant what we said. You’re part of our family just as much as Kuvira. I’m sure the boys will agree, especially the twins.”

You squeeze her hand then pull your hand back “I appreciate it. You always were like an annoying older sister.” you smirk nudging her aside as Su scoffs “Annoying?!” she slaps your shoulder causing you to smile a bit. “You’re always wanting to look like the perfect mom, wife, leader.”

“There is nothing wrong with wanting the best”

“No, it's not, but every year for the winter holidays you kept insisting on matching for the annual family picture. It was funny to watch but it made it the most chaotic time of the year. Kuvira and I would sneak away while the family had heated discussions.” you laughed.

“You could’ve joined in” Su snapped as she turned back to the railing

“Eh, It would’ve been weird. A stranger in an official family photo.” you grimace “Plus, I’m not really a fan of getting my picture taken. Rather be the one taking the photograph.” you look back out at the water then sigh. letting a moment of silence to settle between the both of you before you spoke again “Any updates with the injured?”

“Slow recovery for everyone, but hopefully by the end of the week people will be back on their feet”

“That’s good”

“Have you seen anyone?”

“No, rather let them rest and not bother their recovery process.” you take a deep breath then lean off the railing before frowning “I should go back and rest…”

*

In the following days you’re still dealing with the nightmares and Lin continues checking up on you whenever she can after wor, soothing you back to sleep and bringing some tea to help you relax.

On one sleepless night you got a special visit from Ikki. You thought you were imagining it “Ikki?” you sit up turning the lamp on as you rub your eyes “Are you sleepwalking?” I don’t really want anyone here besides Lin. Why would Ikki come here?

“I’m sorry...I couldn’t sleep and Meelo kept kicking me. I usually sleep with Auntie Kya but….”  her voice starts to crack as she hides her face behind her stuffed bunny.

“...it’s okay” you sit up and furrow your brows. You and Ikki share an awkward glance with you rubbing the back of your neck. Shit she needs comfort. I’m not going to be a dick to a kid even though you’re not feeling well yourself.

“Sorry for bothering you” Ikki hugs her stuffed animal and turns around “Wait...if it helps...I couldn't sleep either.”

“Really?” her eyes widen as she drops her animal a bit from her chest and you nod “Yeah” you look at her and she nods understanding. You give her a gentle nod and scoot over “Come on we can be roomies for the night.” you give her a bit of a smile and pat a spot beside you and Ikki airbends herself onto the bed and sits beside you. “Are you going to be okay?” Ikki's voice is soft as she curls up to you and you put an arm around her. Then she pulls back “Am I hurting you?” she rubs her eyes and you shake your head and tilt your head to let her know it’s okay to curl back into your side.

“Hey, I’m okay. Everyone is….I’m here, Ikki.” you smile reassuringly as you softly tuck some hair behind her ear. “What about Korra?” her eyes well up as she hides her face and you rub the back of her head softly.

“Oh well honey, Korra just needs time. So it’s best to give her a little time and space. She’ll be back to her usual self soon”

“Were you scared?”

You look at Ikki raising a brow at the sudden question “Yes, I was. I was scared for you and your brothers and sister. Your mom and uncle Bumi and aunt Kya. All the airbenders.”

“What about your cut? You were bleeding so much” her cheeks become stained with her tears as she cries softly and your face softens. “Ikki, I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere.” you cup her cheek and stroke it softly wiping her tears “My cut was bad, but your aunt stopped it. It was a cut and bruises, but I’ll survive, Ikki.” you hug her tightly and let her cry on your side. Your eyes started to water as you feel her emotions pouring into yours but you quickly wiped the fallen tears. “You know you’re very strong and brave, Ikki. I admire you a lot” you give her a smile as she wipes her eyes and looks up at you “Me?”

You nod and help wipe her tears as you tuck some hair behind her ear “Yeah, besides your airbending you have the ability to make friends quickly with anyone. You have the biggest heart - always willing to help those in need. I see the way you look over your baby brother. You’re so kind and sweet.” you speak softly as you rub her back comfortingly and Ikki smiles softly.

“I wanna be like Korra and auntie Kya and Chief Beifong and you when I grow up...” she mutters as she yawns while putting her arms around you.

“And what are we like, kiddo?” you look down and notice Ikki blinking, gathering her thoughts “Strong, caring, and a hero, you’re always taking care of my family. We want to take care of you. You’re part of our family too y/n.” her breathing slows as your lips curl up into a smile and you lean down a place a soft kiss on her head “Thank you, Ikki”

“Mhmm….do you have family?”

You smile and nod talking to Ikki about your sisters and answer all her questions. It took a bit until you noticed she had fallen asleep and you shifted a bit to not disturb her, pulling the covers up to her shoulders. Poor kid, she’s seen too much suffering at such a young age . You softly brush some hairs out of her face before getting comfortable and slowly doze off yourself. Ikki turned over and put the hand she was holding the stuffed animal with on your chest as she nestles into you. You looked down and you put a protective arm around her and go back to sleep. Lin wakes you up in the middle of the night. You rub your eyes and notice Ikki must’ve climbed over you in the night as you’re now sleeping by the edge of the bed and Ikki against the wall. She has her head on your chest as you rub her head squinting your eyes over at Lin, “Lin? What’s wrong?”

“Pema is looking for her…”

“Ikki couldn’t sleep. Since Kya is too injured she stumbled in here”

“Let me call Pema so she can take her back” she whispered as you put a protective hand over Ikki’s head “It’s okay. Let her sleep. Just let Pema know she’s with me”.  Lin grimaces but nods and you reach for her hand “You can join us if you want” you smile and Lin looks at Ikki with a bit of disgust and fear “Pass” and you chuckle lightly. “You have the next turn”. Lin rolls her eyes and looks at the door “I should let Pema know before she asks me to put out a BOLO”.

“Good idea, goodnight” you kiss her hand before she walks out the door and you breathe out deeply. Looking down at Ikki sleeping peacefully before you head back to sleep.

*

In the morning you manage to walk over and enjoy breakfast with the families and enjoy the company “y/n, glad to see you joining us” Tenzin smiled with some bruising still on his face but most of them have faded. “It beats eating alone” you give a soft smile as you hold onto your abdomen while Opal and Ikki help you sit down beside Lin. “Thank you girls” you smile as Rohan crawls away from Meelo and uses your thigh to sit up while you help yourself to some breakfast.

“Meelo grab Rohan, let y/n eat in peace” Tenzin told his older son and you wave him off “It’s okay Tenzin, let the boy roam free” you smile as you set your tea cup down on the table.

“Hey little guy” you coo, as you watch Rohan crawl up beside you on the table grabbing on the edge of the table to stand himself up. You instinctively hold on his sides to keep him upright while he looks over the edge then pull him on your lap. Bouncing the six month old on your lap Lin grimaces as the infant plays with your fingers. You slip your other hand under the table and rest your hand on Lin’s thigh. Lin stiffens up a bit and glances at your direction and you give her a quick wink as you look back down at the baby before taking another sip of tea. “You seem good with kids” Tenzin comments and you look at his direction and smile giving him a soft nod “Oh, yeah. I’ve always had a soft spot for kids. Though I don’t want any of my own.” you boop Rohan’s nose and he giggles as he tries to grab your finger again. “How come?” Meelo asks and you turn your attention to him and purse your lips thinking “Hmm, I don’t think it’s the proper talk for breakfast” you laugh softly “But I’m sure I could be a good parent, that’s no question, but I don’t have the need nor desire to become a parent.”

“That’s perfectly fine” Lin comments and you turn to her and give her a small smile as she looks at Tenzin who then looks at you curiously. “Right…” Tenzin nods and you look down at little Rohan trying to gnaw on your thumb. Lin looks away but you catch her lip curling up as she slips some eggs in her mouth, then brings her hand down to hold your hand. “Since I first got my scar from protecting that little nonbender kid as a kid myself, protection and security has become my vocation,” you smile softly as Rohan leans against you and yawns while you continue to eat . “I can take him from you” Pema starts to walk towards you and you shake your head “No, it’s fine really. I’m sure your arms need the rest” you give her a smile. You intertwine your fingers with Lin’s as you start drinking some broth, “This is delicious, Pema,” you give her a soft smile.

After Tenzin got done eating he took the sleeping Rohan from your arms and you ate the rest of the food from your plate. After breakfast you took the dishes toward the kitchen. Lin stops you and offers to take them “I got it” you carry on setting the dishes in the sink, “I can help with washing my dishes” you offer,

“Oh no it’s okay.” Pema smiles as she begins washing the dishes and you walk over “Honestly it’s no big deal. You’ve offered your home. The least I can do is wash a dish” you grab one of the dishes and dry them off. “Thank you. You’re too kind.” you keep quiet as you rinse the dishes.

“Sorry about Ikki. She always seems to wander out of bed. I always find her in Kya’s bed, but I guess it scared her to see Kya in that state” Pema states as she busies herself with washing a dish as you rinse the washed ones and dry them off.

“It’s no problem. It must be hard on the kids seeing their family injured...anything you need I’m here, I mean it.”

“Thank you y/n. How are you feeling by the way?”

You inhale deeply and exhale “Ok I guess. I just hoped it would go by faster. But any progress is better than nothing,” you grimace and once you and Pema finished washing the dishes you excused yourself, going back to your room alone.

There is a soft knock at the door as you drink some water from your nightstand "yes?" you walk over and slide the door open. Lin is standing there concerned "you left...I thought something happened..."

you stepped aside and let Lin walk in as you closed the door and softly shook your head "I just...wanted to rest" you soft softly as you tidied up your room a bit. Lin eyes you, noticing your inner turmoils and walk over to you putting her hands on your arms turning you towards her. "you'll recover, y/n." her voice soft as you look down while she looks at you. She tilts your chin up so you look at her and bite your lip and nod, "I know. I just wish I'd recover faster" you whisper.

"It's frustrating, I know. I know" she whispers back as she cups your cheek and you look at each other, your hands running along her waist. "just a little bit longer" you assure to yourself as Lin presses her lips on your forehead "a little longer" she assures you. Both of you taking in the quiet moment between the two of you. Lin breathes in deeply and takes a step back, "I have to head to work". Mostly reminding herself of her plans and not a means to tell you. Lin would want to be beside you and take care of you but there wasn't much to do but let your body recover. "yeah, okay. Will I get to see you after work?" you step back and look at her as she nods "I'll see you after work" she assures you and steps towards you giving you a kiss. Giving each other the usual three kisses before you gave Lin a soft smile and watch her step out the room. You sat down on your bed and sighed.

*

By the 10th day you were given the okay to have more freedom to move around the island. Your scar was coming in nicely, there was no longer an issue of it opening or fear of infection. Even though your body was recovering nicely you still hadn’t been getting enough sleep. Slowly each day your mood would change - some moments you were fine and others you would seem down. Tenzin has almost made a full recovery and is helping his siblings in their therapy as well. Tenzin decided that there should be something happy to celebrate to cheer up the temple’s inhabitants and finally approved of Jinora to become anointed as a Master. It sure brightened everyone’s moods when the news broke out and the temple was busy making the proper preparations.

You’re walking along the plaza when Mako steps out from the men’s dormitories and catches you “Hey y/n” he jogs after you. You turn around as you look at him “Hey, Mako how’s the beat?” you keep a stoic demeanor as you slide your hands in your pockets. “It keeps me busy, but you’re not missing much, captain” you tilt your head up then look away “I guess.”

“Not feeling the island anymore?”

“The island is great but I’d rather be out doing something useful, but I’m still not cleared” you huff

“Oh, well….I get that.” he rubs the back of his neck “Listen, I never really thanked you for what you did in the cave….with Ming-Hua.” Mako says nervously as he looks away before resting his eyes back on yours and your lips purse as you slowly nod and shrug “No problem, Mako. Anytime”. You open your mouth then close it again as you point your finger up realizing what you said “Actually, not anytime. Hopefully next time neither one of us gets stabbed” you say awkwardly, still at a loss with how to deal with thanks.

“Uh….right” you notice Mako also feeling equally as awkward so you try to ease it and give the both of you an out. Eyeing him up and down as your eyes narrow “Detective, shouldn’t you be out on the beat or investigating a case?”

“Right, yes captain” he salutes and walks away as you run into Kya.

Kya had to be given a crutch to help her walk and you had been accompanying her for walks while Tenzin helped Bumi. “Mom’s worried for Korra...She hasn’t said much. Her recovery has been the slowest. And I've tried all sorts of different healing sessions but it’s not working. She needs a wheelchair to get around for the time being” Kya limps as you walk beside her and listen “I’m sure she’s frustrated. It doesn’t help seeing everyone else recovering nicely and she hasn't made much progress. Have you considered taking Korra to your mother at the South Pole?”

“I’m sure it has taken a great mental toll on her…at this point as her healer. I think that would be best for her to make the trip to see mom.” Kya laments as she looks at the gardens.

“have you gone to check on her?” you ask the master healer as she looks down a sigh escaping her lips

“I have, but she doesn’t say much. Asami hasn’t left her side though.”

“She and Korra have gotten closer this year. She’s going to need to be there for Korra now more than ever.” the both of you nod in agreement as you continue the walk around the grounds.

During the walk you and Kya walk up on a hushed discussion with the other adults. Everyone is looking at you and Kya as you share a confused look with the waterbender, “Uh...what’s going on?”

“Yeah, you guys look like there’s a headless possum chicken running around” Kya quips as she limps over to the group and you follow along.

“We were talking about Korra’s recovery or lack of…” Tenzin began the conversation and you began to understand the secrecy in the discussion “So you thought we were Korra?”

“Yeah, Asami took Korra for some fresh air around the island” Tonraq spoke and you nodded “Well that’s good, she’s getting out of her room.”

“Yeah, but she’s still weak. The healing sessions aren’t helping as we expected. She’s asked to stop them.” Tonraq reveals to the group and you look around as everyone takes the news “It must be even more frustrating for Korra...” you remind everyone.

“It’s only been 10 days. She’ll recover soon” Tonraq looks determined for his daughter and you nod agreeing with him “No one is expecting Korra to be back 100%. Her body has taken an incredible toll and it’ll take time, but her mind is also starting to get worse. If the mind is weak the body will suffer.”

“Is there anything we can do to help Korra?” Tenzin asks around looking at Kya for any suggestions who is unsure “If Korra has asked to stop the sessions, then I’m not sure. Korra needs more than just healing sessions though. There’s only so much I can do here. She’ll need intensive physical training and open up about what she’s feeling. She’s been so closed off. The metallic poison caused substantial damage. It’s just going to take time and patience.”

“Time and patience” you scoff in a hushed murmur as you fold your arms looking down.

“Maybe I should take Korra back to the South Pole….” Tonraq comments as he looks out the window and checks on his daughter. “The South Pole would be a good idea...mom can help Korra better with the spirit water and a change of scenery can help” Kya comments

“Let’s wait until after Jinora’s master ceremony to make any changes to Korra’s treatment plan.” Tenzin suggests,

Tonraq nods and starts heading out the room “It’s time for Korra’s nap”

“Yeah, I should leave too.” you mention suddenly as you turn away from the rest of the adults

“You okay, y/n?” Tenzin asks and you give him a nod as you walk out “Yeah” you walk out, not seeing the looks between the siblings as they watch you leave.

*

You kneel down in lotus position and breathe in the saltiness of the sea air from Yue bay as you look out at the scene. Trying to let the water calm you down as you start to close your eyes scoffing “Time and patience” mumbling as you try to clear your mind. Noise keeps filling your head and you pull your knees up to your chest with a pit in your stomach.

[rewritingthefictional]

possible fic idea for colby brock, let me know if i should continue?

Callie paced back and fourth in the confines of her room wondering if she should dial her brothers number. Things were worse this time and feared for what might actually happen if she didn’t find an escape soon.

Callie took a deep breathe before dialing the number and placing the phone to her ears. She stared at the distroyed room around her. Oh, things are so bad she thought to herself as she bit on her nails. Tears began streaming down her face, as she look at the bruise now forming on her wrist. How was she going to explain that one?

“Callie!” She heard her older brother excitedly yell into the phone.

“Hey Corey,” she croaked. She could hear people screaming in the background and cringed.

“One sec, I’m going to run upstairs so I can hear you better,” she could hear his loud foot steps pounding with each step he took. “Okay, I’m in my room. Hi Cals,” he greeted again and she pratically hear the smile plastered across his face. It had been awhile since she had spoken to him, months in fact. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to reach out, she just tried to keep as much of her personal life as private as possible.

“Hi Cor, I missed you.”

“Oh God I missed you to Cals, you have no idea.”

“Believe me I do, listen I uh don’t have long but I was wondering if I can come stay with you for awhile. I haven’t seen you in like two years,” which was unfortunately very true. Callie really didn’t have much contact with anyone in her family, especially Corey. She wanted to keep them safe and away from harm. She watched Corey’s videos and seen all the crazy things he’s done but she couldn’t bring herself to put him in a position that could be potentially dangerous.

“What? Hell yeah! Man, I’m so excited you can finally meet Devyn and the guys, and it’ll be a total blast! Fuck man, I can’t wait! When are you planning on coming down?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Like tomorrow tomorrow? As in not today? As in if I go to bed now and wake up in a few hours you could potentially be here with me?” Callie laughed, there was her brother’s infamous sense of humor. The only person in the world who could put a smile on her face even in her darkest days.

“Yeah, just planning a little getaway, ya know?” She let out a nervous chuckle, one that Corey didn’t quite catch through the phone.

“Of course you can come tomorrow Cals, mi casa es su casa, comprende?”

She heard a sound in her house and moved closer to the door to see if she would hear anything else. Her body tensed and for a brief moment she forgot Corey was on the phone as she stood in silence.

“Is everything okay, Callie?” Her brother said causing her focus to shift back to him.

“What? Oh yeah, just peachy. See you tomorrow!” She hung up the phone before he had a chance to respond. Frantically she ran around the room throwing random items into a small bag she could take to the airport. She didn’t know what she was taking, she just needed to move and fast. Lifting her matress she found the small bag of cash she had duct taped under it in case of emergencies.

She hadn’t even bother to lock the door on her way out. Though she hadn’t told Corey yet, she didn’t plan on coming back to Nashville. She didn’t know what she was going to do after Los Angeles but she definitely wasn’t coming back towards the country side. She ran as far as she could towards the town that was nearest to her home.

She repeated Corey’s number over and over again until she was sure she knew about heart. Once she was confident, she threw her phone onto the ground and stepped on it a few time to ensure that was no way anyone would be to reach her or find her.

She sighed in relief as she reached a gas station. She was sure luck was on her side today when she saw a yellow cab being filled with gas. Callie made her way towards the old man who singing to himself as he filled his car.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could drop me off at airport?” She asked as she approached the man. He gave her a once-over, looking at her frazzeled clothes and worn out face expression. He knew she needed help and he wasn’t going to be the one that denied it to her.

“Sure thing little lady, old beatrice here should be filled up in a minute, you can go right on it,” he informed and Callie gave him a wide smile.

Before she had the chance to open the door she noticed a familiar car driving down the road and she ducked down the side of the car.

“Are you okay, little lady?” The old man called thinking she had fallen. He came to the other side of the car in attempt to help.

“Yes, I’m fine, I’m just hiding from my boyfriend. He’s just drove by and he’s, well, he trying to hurt me,” she admitted as a lump caught in her throat. She hadn’t voiced out those words to anyone before and it felt like taking a knife to the back.

She was living in her own personal hell and she had no one to blame but herself. This was her fault, at least that what she let herself believe.

“Don’t worry there little lady, man come poking around here for you I’ll just shoot ‘em with my old pistol in the glove comparent there. It may be small but it can kill any old rat with just the pull of the trigger. Car’s all gone now my dear, you can get it,” he held out his hand for her and she grabbed it gratefully to stand up.

“Thank you,” she appreciated with small smile.

“Now let’s get you to the airport and out of a small life town like one, huh?” He stated opening the back door for her. She grinned and sat inside, pulling her back onto her lap.

The drive to the airport wasn’t very long and Callie resisted to the urge to fall asleep until she knew she was safely on the plane. She hadn’t slept in two days and the urge to sleep kept getting stronger and stronger.

“This is where I leave you little lady,” the man said as he pulled up to the drop off area. Callie pulled out two twenty’s to pay him but he pushed her hand aside.

“Don’t worry about the money, just make sure you get on that plane safe and sound, you hear me?” Callie felt her eyes begin to water again.

“Thank you, I don’t know how I could ever repay you,” she informed grabbing on his hand.

“You can pay me by going out and living your life you’re meant to do.”She nodded before opening the door and stepping out into a new life that was waiting for her.

This was it, this was the moment that her life was going to change for the better and there was no denying that she was looking forward to it.

[eyesaremosaics]

A few nights ago, my depression was so severe, that I drove to the Golden Gate Bridge. I sat there in my car for three hours straight. Just sat there quietly in the darkness, thinking, staring at the steering wheel. Feeling nothing. Like an echo would go right through my chest. My eyes focused on the lights from the bridge, my heart hammering in my head, praying for the courage. Silent tears, streaming my face. Barely able to breathe, my chest aches so deeply, like I have a collapsed lung or something. I know I am loved. I know people care. People keep telling me wonderful things. That I'm loved, that I am special, that I'm talented, that I am touched by fire. Yet I can't see it. I can't feel it. There is no getting close to it for me. When someone tells me I am beautiful, my heart breaks with rage. My self hatred is so deep, that compliments infuriate me. I cannot conceive of any of these words attributed to me. It feels surreal, not genuine. Just words. "Why can't other people see me for what I really am?" That's my inner dialogue. How sick is that? Slept through work today. It's a miracle I didn't get fired. Thank god the Healy's are so understanding. Robin is unfailingly kind and compassionate. Yesterday, received word that I've been dragged into a nasty court case. The director of a theatre company I worked for over two years ago, filed me as secretary on the board of directors. He is being sued for fraud, and now that my name is on there, I'm liable for the damages. Have to get a lawyer, which I can't afford. More fun shit to deal with. Can barely afford food right now. My heart is still fucking broken. No hope for the future at all, I wake up every day and feel worse than the day before it. I only have one week left with the boys I have nannied for, we've been together for seven years... Been through so much together... Their mothers death, their grandmothers death of a broken heart less than a month later. Not to mention... Every break up, my dads cancer, Jenny's death... They comforted and loved me through all of it. They feel like my children. I have been their surrogate mother ever since Christy passed away. I can't conceive of my life without them. Letting go... Is the biggest challenge in life for me. I feel like I am literally incapable of doing it. I can't let go. Of anyone, or anything. Ever! I leave claw marks on anything that tries to leave my life. Abandonment issues so strong... They induce borderline psychosis in me. Still haven't found a long term replacement family to take Eric and John's slot. There are no words for how much I am going to miss them. No words. I can't even process it, my brain can't handle the separation at all. Every time I think of it, I start to have a panic attack. I can't breathe. All the air has been squeezed from my lungs, tightness in my chest, vision goes black. It feels like I'm literally dying. Anyone who's had a panic attack, knows how horrible the feeling is. So many endings. All at once. It always happens that way, doesn't it? Self care is paramount right now. Please universe: bring me a warm loving family, that will hire me long term for a lot of money. So I can afford to go back to school, to better market myself professionally and get my career rolling in a positive direction. I am ready to be in the having now universe, not the wanting. I am ready for good things. For a successful artistic career, for inspiring, warm, loving friends I can trust, for a community to immerse myself in, to travel, join a gym, get medication, see my therapist more often, to turn my life around. To meet someone successful, kind, and loving towards me. Who loves me as much as I love them, who I have an amazing sexual intimacy with, who cares about my dreams, who supports me, shares my interests, likes to go out. Someone who wants to be with me, and only me. Not five or six other girls. I want to be enough for someone. More than enough, I want to light up their life with my love. No more possessive, controlling, judgmental, philandering, demoralizing, abusive, negligent, manipulative, trust-less, limiting, unrequited love relationships. Fuck that. I have lived through so many of those, I will not survive it another time. I have no clue what a healthy relationship even looks like. Went out on a date the other day, the guy went to put his arm around me, and I winced involuntarily. How sick is that? When someone is being kind to me, it goes in one ear and out the other. Like I didn't even hear it, or it didn't even happen. My brain can't compute it. It can't register, because it is not used to it. Especially not from men. I am distrusting. My assumption now is: you just want me for sex. You just want to use me for something. So they keep calling after the first few dates, all obsessed with me, and I just stop responding to texts. I just ghost people out. I don't mean to, I just... Can't deal with it. These dates I've been on... There is just no connection there--for me. They seem to find me fascinating, but I am beyond bored. It's unkind for me to continue when I am not feeling it. At this point, I fear men so much that I can't even hate them. I feel like a caged rabbit, and start kicking my legs helplessly when they try to pick me up. Just so very overwhelmed right now. Tired of fighting so hard to exist. Tired of trying so hard, and feeling like nothing is getting better. It feels completely hopeless. What people do not understand about manic depression, is how Fucking hard it is just to make it through each day. Every day, I think about killing myself. Some days, it is all I think about. Everything becomes so black, you cannot conceive of a tomorrow. People who don't wrestle with mental illness, don't understand. One minute you are trotting along, feeling like your higher self. Giving your light in abundance, so that you inspire the best in others. Everything falls into place, magic starts happening for you. You feel strong, vital and beautiful. You feel witty, charming, and full of energy. Like the bubbles in a glass of sparkling champagne. Full of so much life, and passion. You go to bed, and the next morning...it's like the sun has been eclipsed from the sky. The clouds are heavy, and everything fades to gray. Food becomes flavorless, inedible. Your heart sinks like a stone into the river. Your chest begins to flood, until the ribs crack as floorboards under pressure. The ocean spilling through the hull, sinking the ship of your heart. It is violent, this feeling. Like a jolt of electricity coursing through you repeatedly. It feels like being slowly tortured. It is without your control. People say: just get over it. Just move on. Just feel better. Just love yourself. Uh, fuck you, I literally can't. I feel at the mercy of my emotions. They overtake me like a hurricane. Like a storm raging inside me. A war in my mind. People peering in on a private moment from the outside...to them I just come off as annoying. Every day that goes by... I can see myself getting older. My hair is already turning gray, from stress and malnourishment. My mother pointed something out to me earlier on the phone: "it's hard for you to relax, because you live in a constant state of stress. You are stuck on survival mode. Living paycheck to paycheck." Yes. Exactly. Please bring me more money universe. I want to be able to afford to enjoy my life. My whole life we've been poor. At one point, we were grindingly poor. I hate living in this constant energy of starvation, deprivation, of not having. No more. I'm tired of living like that. So fucking exhausting. I'm also tired of loving people more than they love me. I'm tired of being cheated on, treated badly, put down, ignored, unwanted, manipulated, gaslighted, told I'm too much, that I'm crazy, that I'm unloveable. I'm tired of believing that garbage, because I do. I really do. I'm tired of crying, of aching, of feeling not good enough. I hate that I don't feel deserving of love. I'm so sick of hating myself, every second of everyday and wishing I could just die. I'm sick of it. It's so exhausting to go back and fourth With myself as I do. I want to live, I want to die. I'm amazing, I'm worthless. I'm silly and playful, I'm bitter and angry. When I go over the limit with my drinking... God. It's like I channel some demon. A demon comes through me, and it is mean and cruel. Bleeding hearts like mine, are like an open wound to the world. We are 3rd degree burns exposed to steam. Everything hurts. We are a dead star, a black hole, a swallowing cesspool. Left unloved, we die, or disappear. I want to love myself, I really do want to get better. I just don't know where to start. I truly don't see my own value. It is not a cry for attention, or pity party thing, I really don't see anything in me worth loving. How do I change that? I try affirmations, I try exercise, I try listing all my supposed "good" qualities. It just feels empty and meaningless. I force myself to do it, but it doesn't absorb. All this shitty luck is just exacerbating the problem. It is making my suicidal depression ten times worse. I can literally feel the cortisol bubbling inside me. Like a cancer. So creepy. My skin looks aged, I can see the lines forming in my face. I drink to numb out, which of course only makes things worse. Chain smoking, not eating. It's just a mess. Horrible nightmares, making me fearful of sleep. Lack of sleep=deepening depression. Fuck me, I just can't. At the end of my rope here. Trying so hard to change things for the better. There is all this red tape in my way. Money, time, roadblocks. Go to this window, fill out these forms, wait a month to hear back, on hold with elevator music. Fuck. It's like waiting in the cafeteria line for some slop in prison. Trudging along, doing your boring duty, day in and day out. Numb with the monotony of it all. Please universe, please let this difficult time of transition pass without pushing me over the edge. Please bring love and joy to my life. So tired of suffering.

[somethingdifferent-ff-blog]

21.

Richè

  “Alright stop playing now and help me find a leather jacket.” I laughed pushing Caiden away from me as we shopped together in Zara. We had become a lot closer in the last couple of weeks due to him hanging around the crew more and he had come with me to pick out clothes for Marcus’ surprise birthday party that I was throwing.

  He placed his hand on my waist and came up behind me once more. “How about that one ma?” He asked pointing at a really nice jacket hanging above us on the wall. I immediately moved his hand from my waist and tried to brush off his actions as nothing more than friendly.

  I shook my head no and scanned the wall for a different jacket. “He'd say that one is too girly for him, you know my baby is a thug. He needs a specific kind of leather jacket.” I said adding in the my baby part to get him to back off. That was the only issue with Caiden, he was a great friend but at times he was such a big flirt and I hated it.

  “Oh word?” He asked as he placed his hand on my waist again. I spun around around to glare at him and when I had turned around he was already smirking at me, he laughed before removing his hand.

  “Caiden stop it.” I said forcefully as I walked over to where the jacket was and reached up to try and pull it down. I felt Caiden come up behind me and press his body against mine before pulling the jacket down with ease. I glared at him again and snatched the jacket out of his hands.

  “You good Rich?”Quis asked coming up behind Caiden and I with Dej wrapped around his waist. I nodded my head and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, blushing almost immediately. I had forgotten Quis and Dej and come with us.

  It was strange but once I said Caiden and I were going shopping Quis all of a sudden wanted to come along with Dej. Marcus had nothing to say however. I didn't understand their group dynamic. It didn't seem like Keem or Quis were cool with Caiden at all, it all seemed very forced.

  “What do you think of this jacket for Marcus?” I asked quickly changing the subject and holding up the jacket for him to see. “With these jeans and then I was thinking about getting him some flyknits.”

  “That looks very him ma. You know my bro or nah?” Quis asked with a chuckle as he nodded his head in approval. I smiled happily, satisfied that my choice was the right one. I never really got to spend time with Marcus’ friends one on one so the times that I got to I took serious. I wanted them to know that I was worth their friends time just like my friends felt like he was worth mine.

  “Can we go eat now y'all? I'm starving.” Dej said rubbing her little belly and causing me to laugh. She was so cute pregnant, it really fit her as crazy as that sounds. It's just that she was so sweet and gentle and being pregnant definitely added to that.

  “Yes we can go eat with your little hungry ass.” Quis said with a chuckle before leaning down to peck Dej on her lips. I smiled at the sight, they were so cute together and I couldn't wait to see them as parents.

  “I’ll just buy these things real quick and then we can head to lunch.” I said gesturing to the different articles of clothing in my arms. I had picked out three different outfits for Marcus and figured whatever he didn’t like he could bring back and exchange.

  “Aigh bet, we’ll wait for you out front.” Quis said before glaring at Caiden and grabbing Dej’s hand, the two of them heading towards the front of the store.

  “So clearly the two of you aren’t best friends.” I said to Caiden as we walked to the register.

  “Yeah not really. Only reason why we’ve even been hanging around each other is because Marcus needs some shit done for work and I’m the best guy to do it.” He said with a shrug as I laid the items down on the counter for the cashier to ring up.

  “Work meaning the shop or work meaning…?” I asked letting my question trail off letting him know I knew that he participated in both legal and illegal activities.

  “Both actually. I’m the best customizer in the shop and when it comes to the other shit let’s just say I’m the only nigga besides Marcus has the heart to get shit done.” He said. “When I want something I go after it and I don’t stop until it’s mine.” He added, looking at me as he spoke, he was looking at my so intensely that I was forced to break eye contact and look away.

  “Your total is $235.00 ma’am.” The cashier said giving me the distraction I needed. I didn’t know how to respond to Caiden it was obvious that he was talking about more than work and that wasn’t somewhere I was trying to go, especially not with him.

  “Thank you, here you go.” I said smiling at the girl and handing her my credit card. She was too busy staring at Caiden to notice me trying to pay. “Um excuse me?” I said waving my hand at her.

  “Oh sorry…” she muttered taking my card and swiping it before handing it back to me and smiling at Caiden. “Have a great day.”

  “We will thank you.” He replied with a wink before grabbing the bags and waiting for me to put my card in my wallet. I don’t know why but him winking at her irritated me a bit, I wasn’t sure if it was because she was so obviously thirsty or because he was such a flirt.

  I shook my head and turned around ready to leave, almost immediately I made eye contact with Quis who was standing not that far away from us. He raised his eyebrows at me before turning to exit the store. I groaned inwardly knowing how bad this entire scene had just looked and I gave myself a mental note to keep distance between me and Caiden from now on.

Quis

  “Keys you sit here kay?” Zora said grabbing my hand and sitting me down on the couch. We were supposed to be having a work meeting but Marcus couldn’t find anyone to watch Zora so we were at Richè’s house and she was supposed to be keeping her busy but that wasn’t happening.

   “Okay lil mama.” I said with a chuckle sitting down and taking the teacup she was holding out for me. I watched her move around the living room in awe, she was such a little person and I couldn’t believe that in a couple more months I’d have a little person crawling around my place.

  “You good Keys?” Keem asking mocking Zora’s name for me.

  “Keemy you hush.” Zora said frowning and stomping her foot in his direction in an attempt to scare him I guess. I laughed and she shot me a dirty frown and I immediately shut my mouth. Zora was just like Marcus and it was funny to see her try and act like he did.

  “You wanna fight shorty?” Keem asked kneeling down so that he was eye to eye with Zora. She nodded and balled her small baby hands into two fists and held them up Keem’s face. I tried my best to hide my laugh, before she could throw a punch Richè came into the living room and scooped Zora up throwing her over her shoulder.

  Zora screeched gleefully and giggled loudly as Richè tickled her while holding her upside down before turning her right side up and placing a big kiss on her cheek. “Lil mama you wanna spend some time with me and watch Frozen?” She asked to which Zora nodded in response.

  “Okay say bye to Keemy and Keys.” She said laughing at Zora’s nicknames for us.

  “Bye Keys, bye Keemy!” Zora called out as she waved to us before disappearing around the corner with Richè.

  “Marcus is a lucky ass nigga. Ion know that many girls that would look after another person’s child the way Richè does.” Keem said, I nodded my head in agreement. Although I was nodding, I wasn’t really listening. I had a lot on my mind in regards to Dej and our future child, along with the fact that my future was pretty much in this nigga Caiden’s hands and he can’t even keep his hands to himself.

  “Yo you good?” Keem asked me raising his eyebrows. I shrugged not sure if I should speak on my thoughts or keep them to myself. I wasn’t like him and Marcus, I was a private ass nigga and I pretty much handled shit on my own always. But for some reason I decided to speak on it.

  “Just thinking about the future and how I hope this nigga Caiden doesn’t fuck us over.” I replied after several seconds. Keem was silent for a bit before nodding his head.

  “Yeah I feel you, at least he’s been acting how he should be lately. In terms of work and shit.” He said looking over at me. I made a face and shook my head in response.

  “Barely. Plus this nigga been making moves on Richè when Marcus ain’t around. I know you have to have been peeping that shit bruh.” I said adding the next point to my argument. Caiden just wasn’t someone that should be trusted. He didn’t have a sense of brotherhood, I could see him not respecting me or Keem since we ain’t fuck with him. But Marcus? That was his number on advocate.

  “Nah I ain’t peep shit but if you say it’s true I believe you. But I really think you’re just extra paranoid because you got a baby on the way fam.” Keem replied to which I responded with a glare. “Not to invalidate you my nigga. I’m just saying, you already don’t fuck with Caiden and wouldn’t trust him with your life. But now you gotta trust him with your life, Dej’s, and your child’s too. I think that shit got you on edge as fuck and so now you’re just picking up on every sus thing this nigga does.”

  “Maybe you’re right Keem but ion know. Something just doesn’t feel right and I’m not sure what it is exactly, I feel like Marcus just doesn’t know what he’s getting us all into.” I responded with a shrug.

  “About what?” Marcus asked entering the living room from the back of the house where he had been. I looked up surprised wondering how much he had heard, hopefully all of it so I could save my fucking breath.

  “Clearly you still tripping Quis. Look fam you gotta chill on Caiden, he’s helping us all out and risking his life. Ion know how much more proof you need that he aint a snake.” Marcus said shaking his head and sitting down across from Keem and I.

  “Marcus you know ion say much. I usually trust everything you say when it comes to this shit, but I’m telling you something aint right with Caiden. You’re making a mistake.” I said shaking my head and resting my head in my hands. It was clear to me these niggas were blind to the fact and I’d either have to prove myself or let Caiden fuck shit up for all of us.

  “Quis my nigga, you’re under a lot of stress. I think you’re just being irrational right now. I mean just three weeks ago your shorty was in the hospital, that shit takes a toll on you. This is why we need Caiden more than ever, once he secures this territory it’s more money for all of us. Taking the pressure off work a bit and letting you focus on your family.” Marcus explained still trying to  convince me. But I knew I wasn’t wrong.

  “Look yo I get where you’re coming from but I aint buying it. Don’t worry bout me though, I’ll chill on ya boy like you said. But when he fucks us all over ion wanna hear shit from neither of you two.” I said. Before Marcus could respond the doorbell rang and I stood up ready to go.

  “I gotta go check on Dej but I wanted to make sure I stopped by. Just fill me in on what I miss aigh?” I said walking over to the door and opening it, just as the door opened Caiden stepped inside and I couldn’t stop my eyes from narrowing.

  “Wassup?” He asked offering his hand to me for a dap. I looked down at his hand and just started at it before chuckling and pushing past him outside. I didn’t care what Marcus and Keem said something wasn’t right about that nigga and if I had to be the one to expose him then so be it.

[herriblog]

Post Op Day 1, I was still doped on IV Morphine. In and out of consciousness. Whoever again came to visit me, I remembered but I barely could respond. I was still disturbed over my left arm numbness. But it was half arm numbness. Thank god! I almost thought that I had a stroke. I was freaking out but still I calmed myself down. My husband and my sil (sister in law) told me to wean down the IV Morphine but I didn’t want. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I couldn’t move side to side without feeling pain.

Things I had in me was, Redivac drain x 1, Urinary catheter, IV drips with antibiotics with painkillers and anti emetics meds.

But one thing was for sure. I didn’t feel the radiating pain over my leg anymore. No more numbness over the legs anymore. It was good. But the pain over the back was horrid score was ranging from 5-8 especially during movement. I couldn’t bear with it. Still on Morphine. Dr D.  was asking if I would want to ambulate but I said I didn’t want because of the pain. And he said it’s okay. No worries. Tomorrow, we get physio in. I said ok. He then explained then the previous surgeon empitied the disc space but he didn’t clear the disc that was protruding on the nerve root, that’s why it was causing so much pain. I was like the fark! You got to be kidding me. He took 20K and if he didn’t complete. I considered suing but Ahhh...wat the heck. Dr D. also said that he lengthen my spine already. Something that everyone would be happy but I couldn’t be bother. My pain was the one I wanted to be rid of. And the most important thing was no numbness over my right leg and no more radiating leg pain.

I was still disturbed by my half hand numbness. But I still thought  about it...nevermind...maybe I tidur during operation...maybe salah urat ker. I kept on massaging it. Opening and closing it on and off. Working out. Come on...please don’t jadi rabak... Nanti macam nak kerja balik. I was on Morphine 0.2-0.4mg/h. And trust me Morphine with that dose can really affect you alot. 0.5mg/hour made me eat and sleep...I literally snored. 0.2mg/hour was a baby dose. It didn’t hit me. I started the pain. I requested the painkiller to  up-ed it back to 0.4mg/hr. My sis in law went back to get her clothes etc. Baby stayed with me. My bestie of 20yr visited me, but I was too doped to entertain. She talked to baby for a while. Whenever I woke up, all I did was to open and close my hands to start working the muscle. That was the most disturbing thing in my mind. Boy was asking me to raise my leg up at least 6cm away from my bed. I did and he asked me how was the numbness. And I said I don’t feel it. But I still was flustered. But baby, I still feel my left hand numbness. How? How am I going to carry and lift the walking frame? How? There were so many hows? How did he expect physio to see me on POD 1. It seemed to far to be true. But ended up, I kinda agreed at 3pm to see the Physiotherapy. But it was too late. So I just said ok. I felt guilty for not agreeing to Physiotherapist.

I met with the night staff. I apologized to them for being such an asshole on the night before. I literally wanted to get out of bed. I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to be like I was Endoscopic Disckectomy but they didnt allow. ‘They said the doctor didn’t approve. I said I cant find any position to get to rest. I literally slept and woke up every hour. I was sick and tired of being in bed. I turned as much I could but I couldn’t. I suggested for them to put in a drawsheet. It was or usually is placed behind a patient, in between their lower back and their buttock to mid thigh, so that it is easier for them to pull me up. And she did, it worked. I felt better and slept a little easier. But still I wasn’t happy with my numbness. But positive feeling. Half of my arm felt better.

Day 2 POD, I agreed for Physio. The same local nurse looked after me. She was dark skinned, with brownish curls tied up with the same vibe as me. She gave me a personalised feeling And I was still on the IV Morphine and I asked if she could position me propped up less than 90degree to let my body get use to it (one of the nurse was telling me that on my POD 1), and she did. And i complimented her and said some of your nurses didn’t know how to position me the way you did. And it was the best. Thank you for it. And she smiled. I didn’t give her a tough time.

Honestly as a patient, you just need to be told a few hard facts and someone who is firm and yet explaining thing to you that you need to do it this way, otherwise it isn’t going to work.

She gave me my medications and said we are going to remove the Urinary Catheter. Oh shit...I forgot to tell you, Urinary Catheter feeling. When your patient’s tell you that sometimes they feel distended there, it might be true. I felt it like that over the night and I called my friend and she adjusted, the tubing was soft, so it was kinked so the urine was retaining inside my bladder. I was like oh my god. So when she said that she need to remove it ...I was stressed...Oh fuck, I haven’t ambulated. I haven’t pooped for the past 3 days. How am I gonna pee. Oh fuck it la. Just remove it la. Get over and done with it. I got to start somewhere. They removed it and I was still on morphine and small petite Filipina nurse and a big sized Indian lady assisted me to sit up on a dinning chair. And I was telling the small sized Filipina nurse, “are you could handle me? I’m big sized, eh?” and she smiled and said I can. I got positioned on the dinning chair with IV Morphine, they made my bed and all i felt was so sleepy after. So I kept on dozing off on the chair. And I tried my level best to sit for at least 30mins

And I realised that it was 45mins,I called the nurse and said I need to pee. She was this chinese nurse who had uttered nothing but encouraging words. She seemed me local nurse. She assisted me to the toilet and she gave me my space. And it felt good to pee. So I went back to the bed and slept off. The physio came in but I was asleep. So she came back again. The thing about private is, the private treatment that I got which I liked and disliked. I wanted them to wake me up and force me to do physiotherapy and not just lie and sleep away.

So the physio came. She was a chinese short haired lady with spectacles  wore a dark blue polo tee shirt. She got the nurse to disconnect the IV Morphine. And taught me on the log and roll Lumbar corset and  we started to walk. OMG!!!! I walked hand held with her, But I almost swayed. She gripped on me harder and I apologised and said,” It might be morphine still.”She laughed and said its fine. Do you want to brush your teeth or do anything? I was like brush my teeth. I haven’t done that for two full days. And She told me to use a cup to brush my teeth cus I can’t bend. And then we walked outside till about 100-150m. She told me to remember to stand straight. Videos of me walking were going around in my family grps. Hahaha. Standard la. So I kept on ensuring that I need to start moving around. So I didn’t use Morphine from 12pm. And my bestie came with her husband and they talked. But I couldn’t concentrate. I kept on dozing off cus I was probably tired after the walk and the morphine. I apologized and they left and promised to come back again in the later dates. I felt happy. He he. I slept off on the bed. And I didn’t take the Morphine. It was still on the syringe pump.

I spoke to my parents about my day on and off. My mom in law was crying when she saw me walking. It felt good but bad. She cried to see me moving around. Awww. Baby came over to visit me, he brought my mom with him. and we spent a good share of time together. I was getting restless. I wanted to do more. I want to walk more. So we walked. I missed how he smelt. How he was.

I knew my aunt’s were coming. My eldest aunt came over to visit me yesterday but I was so sleepy that I didn’t talk much. The youngest came on my 2nd POD with my dad. I was fresh, I wanted to show them that I was better. But they didn’t come, so I just went in and out of toilet. My mom was glad that I was better. But once my dad came, I kept on moving up and down the bed with the corset. I never removed it. I kept on finding cool spot to sit as it was hot. I was restless and they all said it was cause they gave you so many painkillers, that’s why, n now when you are off them you feel weird. Oh yea, I was off the IV Morphine, the pain was there especially when walking. Pain was 3 at least. But it increased to 4/5 over at the back cus the morphine was wearing off. I got a malay nurse  to remove my IV cannula as it was red and swollen after my IV antibiotics.

I forced fed popiah as I didn’t eat the dinner as it was fish congee, just ate the congee but seriously I just didn’t feel like eating the rest. So my aunty forced me to eat at least 3 popiah pieces and I had my milo and Apple juice. And it was almost 7pm, and my sister in law, M realised that my lower part of my top was soaked, like it was drying up. And she got me to remove my corset and saw that the dressing had gotten soaked. So I got my ex colleague ( worked with her in private hospital), she was a filipina who had reddish brown hair and had permed her hair curly, and had braces on. She always wore a smile whenever attending to anyone. So she said she will change the dressing. She changed the dressing. And everyone left, Mom, dad, phua (aunty) and M left. Cus M had to get a whole new set of clothes and get her jacket. She was already falling sick, she had fever on day 1 of my POD. And honestly, she deserves one blog on its own. I spoke to Baby, And I tried to blog. Thank god, My laptop was there... We spoke at how things were looking good for me. I was happy. I didn’t feel the numbess on my leg nor my left hand. wait there was a little numbness over my left hand. But I was happy to start regaining my normality of my life. I just kept on walking and baby was pushing me why don’t you try to walk unaided without me. Like by holding furniture. I did. And I could. I was even more motivated to get back to how I was

I had gotten depressed over the past few weeks. I didn’t have a life. I felt like it’s best to end my life when my quality of life just sucked. I googled and checked emedicine.net on sciatica pain. People actually still lived with the pain. How could I? I couldn’t. I loved working. I loved every single thing about my job. I wanted my independence. I needed that. And this surgery fixed it. I’m lucky to have seeked a second opinion from the Dr D.

And Girl, whoever wants to go for surgery, please google post operative care plans. Honestly, I can be a sister, a staff nurse or a enrolled nurse when it comes to my treatment plan, I am  a fool. I wouldn’t know what to search or google about. I barely spoke to anyone. Maybe cus I didn’t want to feel like as though I was stupid or making the wrong decisions. But whatever it is, ask if not sure. But we learn from our mistake.

Why am I doing this experience/blog/ediary thingy? It’s for future people’s reference. This things varies from people to people. But whatever it is, at least people get to read it. And whatever it is, always remember to use the proper body mechanics when lifting patient’s or weights. Don’t jeopardize yourself for others or for your body image. Love yourself. No one, I have to repeat myself. No one even my worse enemies should experience this kinda of pain. And now the road to recovery may take 6-12wks. It totally depends on my body.

[6gpymfzi-blog]

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BethAnn McLaughlin Started #MeTooSTEM To Fight Harassment In Science. Now Critics Are Challenging Her Leadership.

An outspoken campaigner against sexual harassment in science is facing a crisis of leadership at MeTooSTEM, the volunteer organization she founded last year to support victims and hold perpetrators and institutions accountable.

Since November, seven members of the leadership team have resigned, citing concerns about the behavior of its founder, BethAnn McLaughlin, a neuroscientist at Vanderbilt University in Nashville.

In their resignation letters, former MeTooSTEM leaders said that McLaughlin kept them in the dark about key decisions and reacted with hostility when they asked about the small organization’s finances and legal structure. They also worried that McLaughlin had alienated allies through her combative tweets.

“There have been several instances where supporters of MeTooSTEM have been upset by the tenor of your tweets, up to and including blocking you or being blocked by you,” wrote Julie Libarkin, an environmental scientist at Michigan State University who has compiled a database of more than 770 academic sexual misconduct cases, and Tisha Bohr, a biology postdoctoral researcher at Cornell University, in their resignation email sent in November.

“Some of them, victims themselves, have reached out to us for clarification and support … putting us in an impossible position of trying to support victims as well as you and the movement,” the message continued.

The most recent three departures, on April 24, included the only two women of color on the MeTooSTEM leadership team. “We … felt that white leadership input was prioritized over our own,” wrote Deanna Arsala, a biology graduate student at the University of Illinois at Chicago, and Vidhya Sivakumaran, a former biophysicist who now works for a health informatics company.

MeTooSTEM was formed after a string of sexual harassment scandals involving leading scientists, amid growing recognition that sexual and gender harassment is a pervasive problem in science. The rifts within the organization come against the backdrop of a debate about how best to tackle these problems, as McLaughlin’s burn-it-all-down zeal clashes with efforts by some activists to work with the academic establishment to achieve reform.

“I am aware that BethAnn is a polarizing person. Much of her effectiveness has been in bringing truth to power and being in your face,” said Carol Greider, a Nobel Prize–winning molecular biologist at Johns Hopkins University, who earlier this month agreed to serve on MeTooSTEM’s board. “And sometimes those approaches do undermine the effectiveness.”

McLaughlin declined multiple requests for comment.

Leaders who have stayed with the organization defended McLaughlin’s activism, much of which is not in public view, they said.

“In my experience, all ideas were welcome and supported,” Britteny Watson, MeTooSTEM’s business manager, told BuzzFeed News by email.

“On the whole, I have personally had positive experiences with BethAnn and MeTooSTEM. I have seen her consistently go above and beyond for survivors, especially for transgender people of color and people who are dealing with issues related to immigration,” said Johanna Folk, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of California, San Francisco.

Folk added, however, that she can’t speak for anyone else. “My overall positive experience does not negate the concerns of others. All the people who left MeTooSTEM are ones I really look up to and value both personally and professionally. I am grateful for all of their work.”

MeTooSTEM is not the first grassroots activist organization to face growing pains: Occupy Wall Street was riven by infighting among its founders; the Women’s March was accused of anti-Semitism; Black Lives Matter has wrestled with debates over its future direction; and the March for Science, formed to protest the Trump administration’s science policies, added women of color to its leadership in 2017 after complaints that it was neglecting the concerns of minority groups.

McLaughlin is a particular lightning rod within the #MeToo movement in science because she has become its public face amid concerns that her combative approach may sometimes do more harm than good.

“There is a distinction between trying to speak truth to power and just bringing heat,” said Kate Clancy, an anthropologist at the University of Illinois in Urbana and an longtime advocate of women facing sexual harassment in science, who reached out to former volunteers after seeing their resignation tweets.

“What I’m hearing and seeing is heat being brought to women of color, heat being brought to grad students, and heat being brought to victims of sexual harassment,” Clancy said.

McLaughlin’s public activism grew from turmoil in her own career at Vanderbilt. Her application for tenure was put on hold after another Vanderbilt neuroscientist, Aurelio Galli, accused her of sending abusive tweets about him and other colleagues from multiuser accounts.

Galli had already been accused of sexual harassment by a former PhD student, who in July 2014 sued him and the university. McLaughlin later testified in support of a research collaborator from the University of Washington who in January 2015 alleged that Galli said, during a dinner at his house, that he would spend “every last penny” to make sure the person who accused him was ruined. (Vanderbilt settled the lawsuit brought by the PhD student in December 2014, and the judge dismissed her case against Galli.)

McLaughlin’s tenure application eventually restarted in 2017, but a faculty committee voted against her. She filed a grievance, which was rejected in February. (Galli has left Vanderbilt for the University of Alabama at Birmingham, and filed his own lawsuit against McLaughlin for defamation in October 2018.)

McLaughlin rose to public prominence in May 2018, when she launched a petition asking the National Academy of Sciences remove members who had been sanctioned for sexual harassment. She followed up with a similar demand to the American Association for the Advancement of Science, and later pressured the National Institutes of Health, the main federal funding agency for biomedical research, to stop giving grants to harassers and to exclude them from committees that help decide which scientists should get funded.

Through her acerbic Twitter account @McLNeuro, McLaughlin railed against “harassholes” and sparred with scientific leaders including NAS President Marcia McNutt. In June 2018, she founded MeTooSTEM, initially as a website for women in science to tell their own stories about harassment.

She got results. In June 2018, the website RateMyProfessors.com dropped its “chili pepper” rating of professors’ “hotness” after a McLaughlin tweet criticizing the feature as “obnoxious and utterly irrelevant” was widely shared. In September, the AAAS announced a procedure to remove elected fellows involved in cases of sexual or gender harassment. And in February this year, NIH Director Francis Collins and other agency leaders cited McLaughlin’s activism in a statement that apologized for a failure to “address the climate and culture that has caused such harm” and promised: “We can do better. We must do better.”

Praise for McLaughlin culminated in November 2018 with the $250,000 MIT Media Lab Disobedience Award, which she shared with Tarana Burke, the civil rights activist who founded the #MeToo movement, and Sherry Marts, who has worked with scientific organizations and other nonprofits to make their events more inclusive.

But by that time, volunteers who had joined MeTooSTEM were starting to leave the organization.

First to depart, on Nov. 9, were the two scientists behind the @9replyguys Twitter account, launched to highlight the trolling and unhelpful comments that women often experience on social media. Scott Barolo, a cell biologist at the University of Michigan, said that he and the anonymous @shrewshrew, the account’s other author, were worried about a lack of transparency over the direction, structure, and finances of the organization.

“@shrewshrew and I became concerned that we were publicly associated with a fundraising organization that we didn’t understand and couldn’t get any information about,” Barolo told BuzzFeed News by email.

They were followed later that month by Bohr and Libarkin. “I left because I felt like attempts to organize structure and incorporate inclusive language were dismissed or ignored, that credit wasn’t being properly allocated, and that differing opinions were often met with hostility both privately and publicly,” Bohr told BuzzFeed News.

“The things which people want (bylaws, structure, hierarchy, communication) are all critical,” McLaughlin replied to Bohr and Libarkin’s resignation email. “But those things do not have to happen now.”

Other leaders said that they pressed McLaughlin to give them designated roles. “When we tried to make long-term plans, BethAnn wasn’t really interested,” Erica Smith, a physics postdoctoral fellow at Indiana University Bloomington, who resigned in April, told BuzzFeed News. “We had a leadership team in name, but not really in practice.”

Smith, Arsala, and Sivakumaran left after a tense exchange of messages with McLaughlin after they asked questions about MeTooSTEM’s nonprofit status and finances, boosted by a GoFundMe launched in October 2018. The campaign has so far raised more than $78,000 toward a $200,000 goal. The money, according to the donation page, will be used to file for status as a tax-exempt nonprofit and to provide legal help for victims of harassment.

McLaughlin has also clashed on Twitter with activists who have disagreed with her. In August 2018, Anna Waymack, a humanities graduate student at Cornell University, responded to a McLaughlin tweet that told victims of campus sexual assault: “Title IX is broken. Go the the police.”

After Waymack argued that survivors should make their own choices, and pointed out that some have been further traumatized by the criminal justice system, McLaughlin cut her short with a one-word tweet: “Bye.”

“Being blown off like that was personally upsetting but also concerning because it replicates what the academy already does with that sort of dismissiveness,” Waymack told BuzzFeed News.

Last month, McLaughlin tweeted angrily at Hontas Farmer, a transgender woman of color who teaches physics at the City Colleges of Chicago. In a thread about student–faculty relationships, Farmer noted that it would be “unenforceable to forbid relationships.”

“Get off my time line with your pro-preying on students garbage,” McLaughlin responded. “Grown ups are talking. #STEMTrollAlert.”

That hashtag had previously been used to encourage allies to defend women scientists being trolled on Twitter. In response to its use against Farmer, one Twitter user tweeted an image of Jimmy Fallon in a wig. (The user later deleted the tweet, and apologized to Farmer.)

Farmer told BuzzFeed News that she has experienced worse attacks online, and she has continued to retweet McLaughlin after the incident. “I’ve dealt with people like BethAnn before. They’re very driven by what they believe and that sometimes makes them do wrong things,” she said.

McLaughlin’s strongly held beliefs extend to the current debate about how best to reduce sexual harassment in academia. Speaking at a meeting at the NIH on May 16, she condemned an effort launched in April called the Action Collaborative on Preventing Sexual Harassment in Higher Education, led by the National Academies and involving more than 40 colleges, universities, and research institutions.

“Every single one of them takes this Action Collaborative as a gold ribbon that they have done something right,” McLaughlin said. “They have all done something terribly, terribly wrong, and they have the wrong people at the table.”

That position has put her at odds with advocates including Clancy and Greider, who argue that reform should involve leading institutions. “I disagree with BethAnn about that,” Greider said. “We can have disagreements about approaches and still go forward.”

The volunteers who have left MeTooSTEM said that they are still committed to its wider goals of supporting victims of sexual harassment. “I believe that STEM would greatly benefit from having an organization, or more than one, with the goals of fighting sexual harassment and discrimination,” Barolo said.

“My hope is that we can learn from this experience to make a stronger and more inclusive community intent on battling harassment,” Bohr said.

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