#and ellipses just don't do it right 😑

[ghostboyjules]

a new thing I've been doing mentally, and deciding to label it as "learning to tolerate myself even a little bit" has been allowing myself to post dumb shit and just. leave it up.

like I'll post something, whether on snapchat as a private story, or in the tags here, or a reblog, and a bit later I'll look at it and be like "god this is so embarrassing delete it delete it delete it". and in the past I absolutely would have. hell, in the past I would have drafted it, read it until I hated it (& myself just a bit more), and then deleted it. wouldn't ever see the light of day.

now though? here recently, I've been posting things that are personal. things I like, or how my mental health is doing, or what I'm thinking generally. I post it. like I make it that far - there's a step. and I let it be. there's another step. everytime I happen to glance back at it on snapchat or I see someone in the notes reblogging the post I spilled my guts in the tags to, and my brain starts screaming and lighting things on fire and breaking shit trying to get me to delete it-

I've started telling myself "no. leave it up. let them see. let you see. you felt this. you're 24, this isn't even embarrassing. you are existing in a space you created for yourself. not making a fool of yourself by 'being cringe' or whatever the fuck has been ingrained in your brain. it's fine to exist."

and I could go into why or how i came to be this way (the stuffing myself down into easily manageable, quiet, unopinionated shapes of a person pretending to be a girl) , but I feel like, to some, it's obvious. to a few others, you probably know exactly what I mean and can probably guess.

but I just wanted to share this cause I'm kinda proud of myself? for what feels like maybe the first time (lol), and to just say to anyone who sees this: It's Fine to exist. Maybe even Nice sometimes, but it's definitely fine. take up space, be loud, even. I'm 24 and I wanna talk abt my favorite show, and I wanna rant abt my job, and I want to post emo song lyrics for my 5 close friends to look at and know I'm being sad about, like the drama queen inner me wants to be. and that's fine.

I'm existing, and that's fine.