#and don't forget my girl jessica because WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?!

[someoneintheshadow456]

I watched the Dune movies and the last third of Dune 2 is just the epitome of "OH NO BABY WHAT IS YOU DOING?!" and "I was rooting for you! We were ALL rooting for you! How dare you?!"

[boizandgurlzinthehouse]

𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐏𝐑𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 ; 𝐧𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢 𝐬𝐢𝐱𝐱 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟏. 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟐. 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟑.

word count: 3.436k trigger warning: lots of cursing, drugs, smoking, flirting, y/n sings like a goddess, basically simple mötley crüe things, sleeping in one bed (YEAH GIRL), nikki is jealous of y/n's ex

long story short, vince came. y/n sat it the kitchen, tried to open a jar with a knife. nikki was probably getting something to eat. after getting away from the party 'convincing' vince, she went to her rent to pack up her things.

♡

knocking on the door, jessica immediately opened it. the other guests used to be the cops, but they banged so loudly on the door that everybody in the whole building could hear hat.

"where were you, y/n?" she asked, following her as she went to her room. "i was thinking you are dead or beaten up, or overdosed!"

y/n turned back to hug her. jessica was just as vulnerable as she, they tried to keep their head above the water, but sometimes, it was really complicated. one night, y/n was watching the commercials against drugs and alcohol, she just took a hit from the weed they had. if you lived here, you'd know why people love it. sure, she could blame herself for being uneducated and not having good grades, but around her in the orphanage, it was average.

"don't worry, i was at nikki's. he's a good guy, really, he's normal. i'm moving in to him. you can move in with the guy you mentioned." y/n talked, jessica helped her to get a bag big enough.

"forget it, we broke up." the other girl shrugged her shoulders, lighting a cigarette. y/n grimaced.

"what an asshole!"

"come on girl, hit one with me before you go. they tucked it into my bra last night." jessica said, giving her the cigarette. y/n took it, sitting down on her bed.

"so, you never stay at the boys' house you fucked, so this nikki is... special?" jessica smirked while crawling up to the head of the bed, making y/n roll her eyes despite smiling.

"well, we didn't had sex, but... it's kinda crazy, because we're gonna make a band. a band, can you believe that?"

"a band? are you gonna be the singer?" jessica looked surprised, making y/n nod.

"or at least i hope so. i can be a whore on los angeles' streets too, but yesterday i sang a song to prove that i'm good enough, and... it seemed like they were liking it."

"really? and what's the band name, sweetie?"

"uh... we don't have a name yet. and i just invited the other singer, vince to come today. but if that's good enough, i think we can hit."

"invited?"

"well, i told him i'm gonna cut his dick off if he doesn't come, but... it works... maybe?" they laughed at that.

"my girl. nikki has probably fallen in love with you already." jessica wondered, taking the last hit.

"i don't know... doesn't it fuck up the band if there's a relationship?" y/n rolled the hem of her coat between her fingers. jessica seemed like she was sinking into deep thoughts, but then, she shook her head.

"no. i think it's the coolest shit that can ever happen in los angeles. a pole dancer and a sleazy rocker rocking the world? craziest shit i've ever heard around!"

"wooo!" laughter and long applause filled the room, y/n began to pack her things.

after everything was done, her room seemed only a little bit empty. it wasn't unusual her to just be a passenger, but leaving jessica and this place was a strange. the two girls just got swept together by life, y/n was always like this: going with the flow, arriving to one place and then packing and walking towards.

"don't be corny right now, y/n." jessica stepped beside her. y/n turned and hugged her, stronger than anyone. she didn't know why. she just wanted to be like a normal school girl who is moving out from her parents' house.

"i'm not. take care of yourself, please." y/n said to her, inhaling and exhaling.

"don't forget the post code, i want vip tickets. fuck everybody who doesn't believe in you, who think that you are just a skimpy pole dancer. if you can get higher, get higher."

if you can get higher, get higher. it ringed in her ear as she walked up to nikki's.

y/n didn't have much things; she could pack in a big bag containing make-up and her clothes, shoes and some little things she thought it's going to be useful.

"that's all?" nikki asked as she packed her things to the drawers. he received a nod.

"yeah. i had more stuff when i got out from the orphanage, but i sorted some things out when i had to move. mainly clothes, so it's okay."

"it's so crazy that we both got into the system. well, i got by myself, but... yeah, it's crazy."

"how did you arrest your own mother?" y/n asked, slumping down on the couch. nikki sat beside her, she offered him a cigarette. maybe it's easier this way.

"she was the worst person who i knew. she had another boyfriend every week, and she said... she said that my dad doesn't call us because he doesn't want me."

"that's stupid", y/n said, "i only got to know what a phone is when i was twelve years old. we had none in the orphanage, not like anyone wanted to call us." she laughed bitterly. he looked at her.

"what happened to them?"

y/n shook her head, shrugging her shoulders.

"i only speculate, based on the rumors around. my mother was deported to russia after i was born. sometimes i think about, why she didn't want me with her? is russia that bad you don't want your child in it? or... did she just peeled me off 'cause she didn't love me? it's so confusing."

"i think she loved you. but she didn't have the time and the chance to show it. and... your father?"

"i guess my mother doesn't remember him either. but that's fine, fathers are assholes. every father i knew is an asshole."

♡

"tommy, could you help me with opening this shit?" she asked, cutting up her palm doesn't sounded good. tommy was nowhere to find, and y/n was way fucked up to go out for a cigarette. forgetting she had a knife in her hand, she sat down on the stairs outside.

suddenly, a red car stopped right in front of the house, making her watch it. then, two blonde haired chicks stepped out -no, it was just one chick. the other was vince. walking up on the stairs, she nodded and waved as they walked by.

"hello, y/n. is that the notorious knife from yesterday?" y/n looked at her hand. fuck, did she really bring it out? nodding, she inhaled the smoke.

"i was just getting ready to go after you." she replied, making the girl beside vince frown. "hello to you too, girlie. i'm just finishing this, everything's ready in there." she nodded in the direction of the door.

"thanks." vince and the girl walked up. his girlfriend had nice hair.

walking in, they just waited for y/n to show up.

"so, here's the lyrics, this is 'live wire'."

"yeah, i like this one." nikki plucked in the guitar, y/n picked up both microphones, but she could feel and see that vince's girlfriend was uncomfortable.

"what's wrong, babe?"

"i'm just trying to make sure these guys... and this girl is good enough to play with you. do you think she's really innocuous?" at this, y/n looked at her. excuse me? everybody excluding the two looked each other, making y/n sniff.

"i don't care what the fuck is your problem, okay? vince, hold this, and sing." she said, pushing the microphone into his hand. y/n looked at his girlfriend. we're not here for your fucking catwalk, sweetheart. mick began to riff his guitar, and the chick finally sat down.

plug me in, i'm alive tonight out on the streets again turn me on, i'm too hot to stop something you'll never forget take my fist, break down walls i'm on top tonight, no, no

"this isn't right!" the girl yelled, but y/n almost didn't hear it.

"all right, stop." nikki signed to the others, making the noises stop.

"this music's way too heavy, baby." at this, y/n giggled, looking at tommy who snickered too.

"thank you." nikki answered sarcastically.

"why don't we just tune it all down a whole step, so that he can..." mick started, making tommy get in.

"let's play it faster, too." he said, making vince's girlfriend smugly smile.

"if you really stretch out the chorus... y/n come here, look at this. you're gonna take part in here, and then you and vince sing the whole bridge, okay?" nikki asked her as she ran through the lyrics.

"yeah, sure. everything for her majesty." she bit the last part, making the girl glare at her.

"...and punch the top, man."

"right, okay."

"hit this note, right here... and muzzle that." he said, pointing to his girlfriend. this was the breaking point, she got up to yell about fucking assholes, but mick's bass pushed it down into the dirt.

as vince began to sing, y/n waited for her part, bathing in the music, smiling at him. then, he pointed to y/n, and she knew that this gonna be the best fucking thing that ever happened to her.

take my fist, break down walls i'm on top tonight, no, no

better turn me loose, better set me free 'cause i'm hot, i'm young, running free little bit better than i used to be

'cause i'm alive, live wire 'cause i'm alive, i'm a live wire

pulling the whole song, at the end, when the last riffle was over, y/n panted, feeling sweat wetting the valley between her breasts.

"guys," she began, looking at tommy, mick, vince and then nikki, "i had some doubts until now, but i think we're gonna fucking make it."

"yeah!" tommy screamed, jumping at them from behind the drummer set. getting beer for everyone, vince's girlfriend long forgotten, they clinked their bottles and began to drink.

♡

after beers, cigarettes and a couple of hours, they sat together to get the band a name. tommy was burning cockroaches with hairspray and a lighter, while y/n pointed them out for him.

"there's one too, toms! over there!"

"fucking roach! i'm gonna fix it, y/n! burn fuckers!" after he eliminated two with his improvised weapon, he sat back as nikki was ready with writing. y/n sat between tommy and vince, she threw her legs on tommy's lap, while leaning her upper body to the other boy.

"so here's my theory, okay? if we want to knock people on their asses, then we've gotta give them a show. the punks, they're doing the minimalist thing, so let's take it in the exact opposite direction." he began, getting the others nod. "i'm talking about stadium show in the clubs, man. like, costumes and lights and-"

"pyro! flames and shit!" tommy shouted, using the hairspray again.

"exactly!"

"explosions!"

"exactly!"

y/n looked at mick, they communicated with their eyes like do you have some sedatives? no, sorry. oh, leave it.

"look, it's a fucking war out there, and the only way we win is by showing these kids something they've never seen before."

that's right. and a rock band with four guys and one girl isn't a good start already, huh?

"so what we do call this thing?"

"here. you know, it's all about being, like, fucking larger than life." nikki searched between his notes, his tongue poking out. y/n almost licked her lips, she searched for the glam and shine in his eyes when he was talking about things he loved or fancied. it was his new band, actually, but y/n didn't mind it. it was like another world showed through his eyes, into his mind.

he showed up a paper with 'x-mass' written on it. x-mass? he surely knew better than that.

"on a scale to ten, that gets a 1.9." y/n tried not to laugh at this, pressing her mouth together, her cheeks puffing out like a hamster as she looked at tommy.

"it's a play on christmas." nikki explained annoyed. "you can use all the christ imagery and shit. it'll piss people off, and make them think, you know. it's got shock value." he looked at y/n for reassurance. her heart began to strangely warm, just like her cheeks. when they were at the party, it was the only two of them, but now with the others, it was... public. fucking strange feelings. she pouted a little and shook lightly her head.

"yeah. i'm shocked by how much it blows." why mick got to be this sarcastic and funny? tommy slapped her shoulder as he laughed, and her back shook to because of vince. y/n got to cover her mouth with her hand to cover the bubbling giggle.

"all right then, assholes. you give it a shot, but make it fucking big!" y/n slumped down in her makeshift seat, and after laughing at tommy's 'foreskin' brainchild, they looked at mick. "come on mick, you've gotta do better than that."

mick just looked on his notes, turning it. motley crew. wow. y/n could only one thing, this. wow.

"i've been waiting a long time for this day."

"alright." nikki asked from him the paper, grabbing a pen, doing some moves with it. then, turning it finally, y/n smirked when she saw what was written on it.

mötley crüe.

the beginning of a ride like nothing else.

"i think today was fucking wonderful." nikki said as he sat down beside y/n. watching the tv, the girl didn't watch what was going on, just letting her thoughts wander. or so she was doing until now, when she felt him plopping down beside her.

"yeah, we killed it. mötley crüe... didn't know old man has tricks like this."

"i hope he has more, because i think we're gonna need it." he replied, making her nod. drinking some from her beer, she felt a yawn coming up in her chest. "can i tell you something, y/n?"

this made her stop right in the middle of the yawn. what the fuck? this is the part where he tells her that they don't need her? or that he realized that she's really just a bitch?

"you already told me a lot of things, go on, niks." she nodded, looking like she zero fucks, but on the inside, she was listening with every nerves of hers. nikki exhaled, and looked serious. oh my god, no. no no no no no no-

"look, y/n, i was trying to chase away these thoughts since you decided to part in the band, but every time i tried to push it down, this thing just came up again and again in my mind."

for fuck's sake, just say it!

"yeah, and...?"

"...and fuck, i know you can protect yourself and handle your things, but... i'm gonna be there for you. i'm not the smartest guy, not the most precious one even, i know." y/n looked at him, swallowing hard. she didn't know what to say. "so, the main thing is, you're the most badass and though girl i've ever know, and trust me, i wouldn't say that after a couple of days, but you made more impression on me than anyone, ever."

"wow. now, i really don't know what to say. but thank you, nikki."

"was is too sentimental?"

"really? yeah, it was fucking sentimental. orphanage fucked me up, i could be a much better person, but here i am, fretting our frontman with a knife and breaking bottles on other's head."

"i think that was fucking cool."

"which one?"

"um... both." snickering at that, y/n shrugged her shoulder.

" look, nikki, it's gonna be simple, because i don't really know how to care about others. since you don't have anyone... and i neither have anyone... fuck, we can team up, if you want." she looked at him, smiling, reaching out her little finger to shake it. nikki smiled too, grabbing into it. maybe it's gonna be more than just a companionship, but now, this was enough. "cool. now, we can cut off the other's fingers." she said, standing up to search for a cigarette.

"cut off? in my rules, we just broke each other's fingers!" y/n turned to him with furrowed eyebrows.

"really?"

"yeah, really! fuck, when you do or say things like that i always think you came from fucking new orleans."

"don't care about me, snort some instead." y/n spilled the little packs of drugs on the table. "i made some groceries."

♡

"and then me, and then some other girls accidentally lit fire because somebody didn't pressed her cigarette good enough!"

nikki and y/n almost lived all of the drugs she has stolen. she was released from all the boundaries, telling stories from the time she was in orphanage, and sneaked out from there to party and drink all night. nikki and her played a game that they gotta tell something about theirselves, and then the other did the same.

"and that girl, audrey i guess? she almost got an infection from the needle that we used to her tattoo, and holy shit, it was really disgusting! so you, nikki?"

"the night we met, i'm outed from the band i was in. the frontman was a prick, so i just punched him in the face, but i got some too."

y/n snickered, then looked him, in his eyes, leaning closer to him.

"come on, niks. we both know that's not the hardest story you can tell."

"well... nikki sixx is not my real name. like, it's my real name now, but not what i was born with it, you know."

the girl nodded, faking a wondering face.

"wow, i never would've thought." nikki rolled his eyes while smirking.

"my real name is frank feranna. well, franklin, but that's more shittier, isn't it?"

frank feranna. frank and y/n. nikki and y/n. frank feranna and y/n y/l/ln. nikki sixx and y/n y/l/n. in the haze of drugs, she envied the visionary herself as the media and the tabloids. she didn't even read tabloids.

"i think it's cute."

"fuck cuteness. do you think anyone could take me serious with that name?"

"yeah! i'd take you serious!" the girl tried to contain her smile, but she couldn't.

"don't lie, y/n." she laughed at that. frank feranna could be a sweet schoolboy in a big, beautiful house with rich parents. nikki sixx was the fire that burnt through the veins when you did something illegal.

"okay, okay!"

"you're a shitty liar."

"i'm not."

"yes, you are. but at least this way, i'm gonna trust you."

she yawned, the drugs suddenly sucked out themselves from her veins, leaving tiredness and a slight lethargy. it was unusual, but she had a long day. standing up, she brushed her eyes.

"i'm going to bed, are you coming?" she asked, grabbing her coat and throwing it on a chair.

"do you want me to come?"

y/n shrugged her shoulders. jessica was no longer her roommate, and she hated sleeping alone when she was sober.

"i'm showering first."

after stepping out from the steamy cabinet, digging into her clothes, y/n got the big t-shirt she always slept in. it was her ex boyfriend's, and while she hated him now, keeping his clothes and using them was better than burning it in the kitchen.

"what the fuck is that?" nikki asked as she sat on the bed, nodding at her pyjamas.

"my sleeping cloth?" he surely noticed that it was way bigger than her size, and with rugged moves, nikki tossed his own t-shirt to her. "what the fuck, nikki?"

"ain't no way a dickhead's shitty clothes will exist in my house."

"it's not shitty, and it's mine!"

he didn't even listen as he went to shower. y/n laid down in the bed, almost falling asleep as she turned down the lamp. after ten minutes, nikki came out, a couple black strands sticking to his skin from the steam she left there. almost hitting his toes in the leg of the bed, he crashed to the mattress, turning to her in the dark.

"i know it's your shitty ex's. i tould you, you're a bad liar."

"well, then fuck you, niks." y/n muttered, burying her head into the pillows. it smelled like him, she pulled the blanket on herself.

"i like you too, y/n." he whispered. the street lights painted the room walls orange and dark blue, but y/n only blinked twice before closing her eyes for deep, black dreams.

they slept facing each other.

a/n: i got carried away but it was soooo good )): i hope you liked it, dm or write here for taglist!!

[fandom-susceptible]

Supernatural Rewatch Liveblog S1E5 Bloody Mary

These guys really just park and sleep anywhere huh.

I'm so fond of Dean. You kind of expect him to be the "bury your emotions" manly man type at first but even this early, he keeps checking on Sam's mental and emotional state. The caretaking is so strong with this boy. man. god he starts the series at 26, I keep forgetting because Jensen's so baby-faced compared to later.

(brief side note, Jensen Ackles played Dean Winchester for so damn long he rolled out of bed forgetting he wasn't the character and has lines on his face from Dean's expressions instead of his own. You really cannot blame him for wanting out at the end of the series, even if it meant a shitty ending.)

Sam was actually pretty good with Lily (the little girl) when they talked at her dad's wake, and I'm just really soft because he was doing the same thing with her that Dean did with the kid from episode 3.

You know it really hits sometimes that these men are seriously psychopaths, standing around listening to people talk about these horrific deaths and murders and just not even twitching about it.

Why did they tear off the paper on the back of the painting? It. There's pegs on those. they could just remove it like normal humans and leave less of a trace.

Why the hell is Sam like "same handprint" about the bloody handprint? It's. A smeared bloody handprint? of course it looks the fucking same.

I love the effects of them driving with the fake background. The lighting isn't even right. Does it stay this bad?? I don't remember it being this bad.

It hurts me that Dean was so willing to be just like do it, blame me, hate me, make it my fault, just don't blame yourself about the Jessica shit.

Why didn't they just steal the mirror? So there wouldn't be other ones for Mary to hide in? And they wouldn't be hanging around for the security to come find?

Dean getting that action hero punch to the mirror got me though, fuck I love him.

Can we also talk about Sam being all maudlin, oh I have to do this, I'm the one with a secret where someone died, it's all about Jessica. And Dean too, Dean believed this! You idiots. You literally live in secrets where so many people died. Dean cannot have told every single story of every single hunt where someone died while Sam was away. Literally either of you could have done this, it is not a surprise she could target both of you.

They smashed so much glass for this episode.

"This gotta be like what, 600 years bad luck?" about 15 and then you die.

They should have been pulled over so much for sheer bad driving.

"There's some things I need to keep to myself." Sam says, thus condemning them to like three more seasons of insanity with him and his fucking curse when they could have started dealing with it right now.

[oh-my-damn]

Ugh. How could I forget that you’d written for Mace? That’s how I originally found this blog.

As for lesser-known characters. Ummm, let’s say…

Bryce Langley

Mr Freezy

Devin Peters

Syd

Dennis

Mike Weiss

Nick Gant

Could you see yourself writing for any of these characters, bestie?

oooh yes some fine choices bestie!

Oof well, they all have potential, don't they?

Bryce is the cocky rich kid who tries to get with the college nerd bc he seems to be the only one who's noticed what a hottie she is. He starts showing up at the library more and feigns interest in spirituality and philosophy to win her over. Then after a while, he asks her to come to one of their big parties at the estate, and his mind is blown when she shows up in a gown with her hair and makeup done. He takes her virginity under a tree in the forest... It's romantic, no? LMAO

Mr Freezy - Well, the only way to go about him is dark, isn't it?! I don't really write dark usually, I like to read it often but I've never dabbled in it. I feel like a Mr. Freezy fic could be really fun if it turns out he's your mate or something in an A/B/O fic for example. Realizing you're his omega and trying to run away because he is gross and scary but he captures you and ties you up in his basement lmao. Then he shows up after a shower and a haircut and suddenly you're like.. huh.... lol

Devin Peters is a slut if I've ever seen one! We only see him for like 10 seconds but I can just tell he's a major sleazy fuckboy and I'm kinda into it! He'd be condescending in the annoying way when you'd hang out with him and his friends, teasing you about being a dummy. But then at home when he fucks you, he'd praise you for it, fucking you while he moaned, "Look at that face, not a thought in that empty head of yours, is there? God, such a stupid little girl, but you're so pretty when you lose all sense for daddy. All you need is a cock and your day is made, my pretty little slut." idk something like that lol

Syd! Oh god, Syd! Listen, I do actually kinda like London?? But I also hate it?? Idk, it's one of the only movies ever where Chris actually has chemistry with his partner in the sex scenes (surprising, right? but it's also clearly jessica carrying the heavy weight lol) and they're quite hot tbh! But Syd is super duper toxic. Any fic with him would have to be like toxic ex/jealous possessive boyfriend type situation where he yells at you for going out with your friends one night and then you have to take your punishment, aka his cock down you throat ksksjkss

Dennis?? Mr. Bad Penis?? Okay, okay... How about we fix his penis then? I can't be with a man with a bad penis, it simply doesn't work. I feel like a fic with Dennis would have to be soft, he's very touch starved. Think along the lines of Sweet Heartache, his wife has been so emotionally abusive to him that he needs someone who will just love him. Very soft sex the first time, a lot of body worshipping to let him know it's okay. Then when he gets comfortable he turns into an insatiable beast lmao

Mike Weiss, oh my! I love him bc he's sooo pretty and super smart but he's also such a messed up idiot! A fic with him could work if reader worked at a rehab facility where he was sent to (instead of dying lol). She works as a therapist and runs the group sessions and over time he gets more and more infatuated with her. She tries to keep her emotions at bay, she knows he's her patient, but then he starts coming for more and more therapy session and one night she's late to leaving the facility when she runs into him as she leaves and well... They kiss. Complications ensue. Perhaps even a secret affair with his therapist/doctor?!

Nick Gant!! Oh my god, sweet amazing Nick Gant ! I once RP'ed with a Nick on here bc I absolutely adore him and feel like he deserved better. A Nick fic would work well if it was during like college or perhaps after when he's playing in a band. Either way I see it for me now, he's playing with his band, the girls are swooning, and so is reader. He catches her eye from the stage and she smiles shyly and bam! he's hooked lol

Many of these would also in general work with a pornstar AU, especially Devin and Mr. Freezy skjsksjs

[itsallyscorner]

so, I was watching the video that came out today and I was thinking about a age gap seb x reader around his friends like Jessica or maybe chace? And they're just hanging out and they both have this lovesick look on their faces and when she leaves the room for some reason they don't waste any time addressing how in love she is with him, and sebs glad bc they were kinda wary of her at first?

Hiyaaa babes! This is my first request so woohoo🥳 Since you mentioned the video, I literally thought of the pictures that were released while they were filming 355, and now I can’t get the image of Seb in Paris because holy shit he looked good. So I’m gonna be using Jessica❤️

- This came out so long, I’m a sucker for background info and can’t get past writing a story without one💀 Enjoy!💜

💌.

Lovesick

You and Sebastian were unexpected. Literally the chances of you guys getting together were so off and you guys were at different times of your lives. He was in his late 30s, already living most of his life as a successful actor. While you were in your early 20s still in college working on your doctoral degree to become a Pharmacist (It was the only major I could think of atm because it’s the one I’m planing on lol.) You guys met at the cafe near your campus. You always went there every morning and would spot him drinking his morning coffee with his nose stuck in a new script he was reading. You two would sneak glances at each other, admiring each other from afar. Until one day when the cafe was fairly packed and you needed a place to sit. You spotted his familiar face and asked him if you could sit in the seat across from him. Obviously he agreed and you guys talked, getting to know each other the whole time. When it was time for you to leave for classes, you guys exchanged numbers and kept in touch.

Which brings us to today. You and Sebastian have been going strong for about a year now and were approaching your second year together. Though you two are as happy as can be and are still in the honeymoon phase (even after a year), the first few months of the relationship were quite rough. There was an obvious age gap between you two, it didn’t bother you two as much, but the public didn’t react too nicely about it. Your parents weren’t too fond of the idea of you dating an older man, but after getting to know him they knew his intentions with you were well. Same goes for your friends and family. When it came to his fans and the media finding about your relationship, that’s when it went to shit.

The media made Sebastian look like some creep who was going through a midlife crisis for dating someone much younger than him. A few “fans” even claimed that he were a “groomer” after pictures of you and him heavily making out on the street were released. These issues caused some bumps in the road for your relationship, though after many arguments, you two realized that the only opinions that mattered were each other’s.

Now you two were staying at a hotel in Paris. Sebastian was currently working on a big project, “The 355”, something he was very excited about. This was one of the first projects that he was really involved in, from script to screen, he played a pretty big role in this project.

You were typing up a report for your class when Sebastian entered the hotel room. He was still in his set clothes, a light blue shirt, dark jeans, and a pair of Chelsea boots. He approached the bed where you were typing and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Hey sweetheart, how’s school going?” He greeted you as he settled himself on the bed, laying on his side.

“Meh, it’s going...but I finished my report on time. Now I just need to proofread it.” You smiled as you finished typing the last sentence of your report. When Sebastian discovered he was going to film in Paris, he immediately told you, knowing you’ve been dreaming of visiting Paris. Luckily for the both of you, your school allowed you to do online learning (it probably doesn’t work like that but just go with it) and you were able to tag along with him.

“I’m sure it’s prefect, you’re a great writer.” He complimented, you hummed in response. Turning to him you run your hand through his short hair making him lean into your touch. You loved his fluffy hair but the short hair was starting to grow on you.

Sebastian turned his head and pressed a kiss into your palm, stormy eyes gazing up at you.

“How has your day been?” You asked.

“It was good. We got through a good amount of scenes without messing up, so I’d say it was a successful day.” He answered. You smiled at his enthusiasm. Sebastian’s face always lit up when he was talking about a project and it was one of the things you admired most about him, his passion for his work.

“So, you’ve been cooped up in this damn hotel all day. Why don’t you come to dinner with me and the cast tonight? You’ve been waiting to visit Paris all your life and you haven’t even been outside this hotel for days.” He suggested. It was true, you haven’t done much but do school work, order room service, and binge watch shows on Netflix.

“Are you sure they’d want me to come? I might be intruding.” Honestly you were nervous to meet the rest of the cast. You’ve met Jessica a few times but they were brief and she seemed like she didn’t like you. Though that could just be your thoughts making you paranoid, you were still nervous to meet the people Seb worked with. You didn’t want them to think you were using him for money or to travel around the world because you weren’t. You loved Sebastian for himself, not the money and the fame, you could care less about all that.

But they were still Sebastian’s friends and you wanted to have a good first impression on them. You didn’t want them to think you were just some immature college girl who needed money to pay off her college funds.

Noticing you were drifting off, Sebastian pressed another kiss into your palm and grasps it. “You wouldn’t be intruding, Jessica actually suggested you come along.” He mentioned.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive, baby. Come on, let’s put this stuff away and get ready. We’re having dinner at the Eiffel Tower.”

“I— the Eiffel Tower?”

•

To say you were intimidated and scared shitless was an understatement. Here you were in the Eiffel Tower having dinner with some of the most talented women in Hollywood. Like seriously Jessica Chastain, Lupita Nyong’o, Penélope Cruz, and Diane Kruger. Of course Seb and Édgar Ramírez where there as well. Then there was you, NYC local college student. You didn’t wanna say you felt out of place, but you did. These were successful people who probably starred in some of the movies you watched growing up. Now you’re literally in the Eiffel fucking Tower having dinner with them.

Dinner was going smoothly, everyone was talking about the set, shared some funny stories, and you were keeping to yourself simply eating your steak. That was until the attention was brought to you.

“So (y/n), Sebastian mentioned you were in college, what are you studying?” Jessica asked. Everyone turned to you and you swear you felt like a deer in headlights. Seb nudged your thigh with his, a reassuring smile on his face.

“Yes I am! I’m actually taking a PharmD program at St. John Fisher to become a Pharmacist.” you answered.

“For your masters?” She followed up curiously, slightly leaning forward to you.

“No, for my doctoral degree.” You corrected her proudly. You didn’t want to come off as an ass, but you were proud of your work and you worked your ass off for it.

Everyone at the table was taken back by your response. Except Sebastian, who had a just as proud smile on his face. They knew you were in college but not studying something as serious as Pharmacy.

“St.John Fisher College? I had a cousin that went there, it’s a great college.” Lupita was the first to break the silence.

“So are you working in the field yet? For some experience?” Penélope chimed in. Sebastian snorted, “Oh she has experience, trust me.”

You chuckled as you softly smacked Seb’s bicep, “Well currently, I’m interning as a Pharmacy Tech at a hospital pharmacy. They’re thinking about making me a permanent one until I graduate so fingers crossed!”

As you answered all their questions about your personal life and your major, Sebastian couldn’t help but just admire you. Just like how you admired the way he talked about his projects, he admired the way you got lost in rambling about your soon career. The way your eyes lit up, how your hands moved while you talked, and that hint of a smile on your face. He absolutely adored every single thing about you.

Dinner continued, the last question for you about why you chose to do college in New York, which segwayed into a conversation about— well New York. As the others talked about their love for the city, Sebastian wrapped his arm around your shoulders. Your back was now pressed to his chest, both of you not listening to the conversation. You pressed a kiss to his arm and looked back at him.

“Hey you.” You hummed at him rubbing your thumb along his arm.

“Hi.” He gazed down at you with that smile that made his eyes crinkle. The moment was interrupted by your phone ringing. Quickly glancing at the contact ID, it was the hospital pharmacy you interned for.

“You should take that.” Seb whispered into your ear.

“No, Seb that’s rude. We’re at dinner, I’m sure it can wait.”

“I have a good feeling about this call, draga mea.” He coaxed you. Having a feeling that he might be right you excuse yourself from the table. When you’re gone the table goes quiet.

“Sebastian, you’ve got one hell of a girlfriend.” Penélope stated as the rest of the table agreed.

“She’s so smart! What the hell, a doctoral degree? Kudos to her because the amount of motivation I would need to even try!” Jessica followed up with an amazed look on her face.

“I think you guys are forgetting to mention how whipped they both are for each other! Those two were in their own world over there!” Lupita pointed out. The whole table laughed as Sebastian was turning red. Of course he was whipped, he knew he was.

“I love her guys, she’s, she’s something else. The spunk she has, her intelligence, she’s-,” Sebastian began to list but was cut off by Édgar, “Out of your league?”

The whole table burst into laughter as they agreed with Édgar. You were also coming back to the table after your call. Sebastian spotted you, eyes connecting to yours immediately.

“Everything alright?”

“They gave me the permanent job!”

draga mea - my darling 

[chiara13]

Thanks! I wanna start by saying that I love that little fic thing you thought of. I honestly don't think Jesstin will be endgame because of two things: 1. The heroin, which I don't think Jessica knows about but even if she does, he's still on it even though he was saying that he was getting sober and 2. They are just IMO a generally toxic couple that would most likely never happen in real life and I think it would most definitely send a wrong message if the writers made them endgame.

Ask box / parts 2 & 3:

I agree with what you said about Alex being more mad at Jessica but I could also see him being really mad at Justin too, especially after everything he's done for him (Giving him a place to stay, saving his life etc.) Also don't forget the fact that Alex has loved Jessica since the beginning when they broke up the first time and Justin literally dated her like 4 months after that so even though Justin didn't really do anything, this isn't technically the first time he's probably hurt him.

Lmaoo I'm the same anon but this thought literally just came to me gdjej so like what if the writers make Alex bisexual (because I definetly think he is) and like instead of making either Zalex or Justlex canon, they just make him like one of them but the other is straight so they don't like him back? I can see this happening more with Zalex but still, I'd feel so bad for Alex omg.

My answer:

I kind of ship Justin and Jessica but they wouldn't be my first (or second) choice. (I ship pretty much everyone with everyone, okay? LOL) I agree that Justin's heroin addiction would definitely get in the way of a relationship with her (or anyone.) I'm not sure I would say their relationship is toxic in general. I don't think it was when they started dating. It became toxic after Bryce raped Jessica. Considering that both of them have grown a lot since then, I think after the trial they could have started a healthy relationship. (Justin's drug problem aside.) The fact that they had sex like that, though, makes me think that they are (or should be) doomed as a couple. It would be such a messy way to start a relationship.

Oh, Alex is going to be super-mad at Justin. Let's not forget his "fuck Justin for coming back for Jessica" back in 2x06. There's a lot of history there. Which, by the way, is why I don't think Justlex is ever going to become canon. (But S3 could prove me wrong. Who knows what the writers have in mind after all?)

As far as I'm concerned, Alex is bisexual. In one of the flashbacks in 1x02, when he tells Jessica and Hannah that he's been put in remedial Math, Jessica says "I bet there's a hot troubled bad boy in remedial math. He broods, he wears leather, he's got a past he doesn't talk about and trouble with long division." She's one of his closest friends and she seems to think that he's into guys. Alex doesn't tell her he only likes girls (unless that's what he meant by "There's a couple of pregnant girls"?) which I would assume he would do if that was the case. Not because he would think being gay/bi is bad/shameful, but because it's kind of weird to let your best friends think you're gay/bi if you're not.

If he develops a crush on either Zach or Justin and they don't like him back that way, it would be heartbreaking. He deserves all the happiness in the world. ♥ However, it would also make for a great storyline and it would be very realistic. If done right, it could be sad but beautiful & insteresting. Honestly, I would love a one-sided Zalex storyline in S3, with Zach being super-nice about it, going out of his way to make sure he doesn't hurt Alex and telling Alex he really hopes they can still be friends because he cares about it and doesn't want to lose his friendship.

[rjcollinsauthor]

Chapter 6

Noah stepped inside, and closed and locked the door behind him. I opened my mouth to scream, but he covered my mouth with his hand.

"Don't. After the stunt you pulled tonight, you're lucky it's me and not them."

I yanked his hand away.

"They wouldn't be able to do shit just like you. I have cameras in here, and there are plenty in the halls."

He smiled at me, sending chills through me.

"Sweetheart, if I'm able to get into this building without anyone stopping me, then I can definitely get someone to turn off a few cameras." he walked over to one of the cameras I had sitting on my desk and picked it up. "You use MasonTech? My grandfather plays golf with the owner's grandfather. I'm sure I can get any footage erased."

I stepped back, ready to defend myself if necessary. He kept walking toward me until my back was pressed against the wall.

"You know, ever since I stopped smoking, I just don't know what to do with my hands anymore." He used his fingers to crawl up my chest before gripping my throat. Not enough to hurt but tight enough to let me know he meant business. "See, the problem is, Lena. You truly have no idea who you are messing with. " he wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me to him while still holding my throat. "Sure, the other guys are easy targets but me? I know you. You can put on this badass chick mask, but I've been inside you both here." he placed his hand on my heart, trailing it down until he reached my pussy. He covered it with his hand pushing his finger right at my clit, and like a horny bitch I unconsciously grind my hips against his fingers. He smiles at me like he knew I would have that reaction. "And here. You were mine, Lena. You seem to have forgotten that. Do yourself a favor, forget about this sad excuse of revenge, and leave."

I moved away from him.

"You don't know me anymore. That girl you knew was burned out with the fire you lit. So your threats are meanless. You can't scare me. I know you, and I would be afraid if I were you because I am nowhere near done."

He stared at me with those gray eyes filled with lust. One second we stared at each other, then the next, he kissed me. Passion and hatred. These are the only words I could think of to describe his lips on mine. His familiar taste was too intoxicating to be normal. I held onto his shirt as I kissed him back. He grabbed a hand full of my ass, kissing me deeper. His hand tightened on my throat, and the sick part of me I thought had disappeared came back to the surface. His kiss consumed me. It was as if he hated himself for wanting to kiss me, and he was pushing all that hate into it. I felt him start to pull at the waist of my pants, and that's when I knew this had to stop. I wanted to give up control. More than anything, I wanted to lay back and let him have his way with me, but I couldn't because maybe one day I would let him have my body but, I would never let him have my heart again.

I pulled away and punched him hard on his right cheek.

"Get the fuck out of my room," I snapped.

He wiped some of the blood off his mouth and looked at me like he wanted to kiss me again, this time going further. I got nervous that he would try to, but instead, he gave me another hard look before leaving the room. I took deep breaths. I don't know what's going on with me. This was not a part of the plan.

I'm about to turn off my light and get into bed when a knock sounds at the door again. I grabbed the pocket knife I kept in my drawer, and this time I checked to see who it was before opening the door. Jessica was standing there in her pajamas.

"Was that Noah I just saw leaving here?" she asked, shocked.

She walked in without an invitation and sat at my desk chair.

"Yep, he forced his way in."

Her eyes widen with concern. "He didn't do anything, did he?"

I shook my head as I touched my noticeable swollen lips. She looked at the movement, and her eyes lit with realization. I wait for the disgust, but she smiled instead.

"You made out with him," she stated.

"Of course not!"

"Mhm. You look flushed, and your pants look a little wet. He got you that hot?"

I stupidly looked down at my shorts, and she laughed.

"I don't blame you."

"I'm getting revenge on him and his friends. I shouldn't be making out with him."

She shrugs like it's no big deal.

"The pussy wants what it wants."

"I don't think that's the saying."

"It is now. Your heart and mind hate his guts, but who wouldn't be attracted to him? You guys totally have enemies to lovers vibes going on here."

I glared at her. "No, the fuck we don't."

"Okay, sure you don't." She nodded as if she was humoring me.

"Leave. I need to get some sleep."

She got up and opened the door.

"If you need some content to play DJ with, I can send you some good enemies to lovers boo-"

I slammed the door in her face and heard her laughing on the other side. I waited a few minutes before going to bed just in case another unexpected guest decided to show up. As I lay in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about how he held me and his taste. This shouldn't be happening. He and his friends ruined me, yet I couldn't stop thinking about that freaking kiss. I had zero attraction to the other guys, not that they weren't hot. I must be sicker in the head than I realized.

I went to sleep and asked the Universe only to send steaming hot ideas for revenge, but when I closed my eyes, all I saw was a steaming hot shower with my worst enemy in it, waiting for me.

****

The following day I went on social media to find Avery's face everywhere. It seemed no one took it well that their favorite anti-drug woman's grandson was snorting coke up his nose. They already hated them for being too rich, and now this would lose her the election. I had no doubt Avery would be in trouble. He might even get that pretty little trust fund taken away.

I spent the rest of the weekend getting ready for classes to start on Monday. And when Monday morning came, everyone was talking about Avery. Some didn't seem to care but others were obviously getting off 'Team Avery' train. From what I've seen on Randall and Scott's cameras, they were ready to get their revenge on me; for some reason always involved me naked. Sick fucking bastards. Noah shuts them down when they suggest it; I don't know how I feel about that. The bar must be fucking low if I'm grateful for him convincing his friends not to rape me.

"Ready for class?" Jessica asked.

She was leaning against the wall across from my door with two cups of what I assume was coffee. She hands one to me, and I take it. I look down at the cup, a little wary of it.

"I didn't poison it."

"And how would I know that?"

She takes it out of my hand and drinks it, showing me the coffee in her mouth before swallowing it.

"See, no poison."

"Yeah, now it's a nice steaming cup of backwash."

She sighed and started to walk away, and for the first time, it's me catching up with her.

"I'm sorry, Jess. I was joking. Thanks."

She looked stunned. "You called me Jess."

"Because it's your name."

"You've only called me Jessica since you came back."

"Oh."

I kept walking, and she walked beside me with a little extra pep in her step. I head to my first class of the day, Behavioral Neuroscience. Jessica said goodbye and headed to her class on the other side of campus. I walked into the classroom and sat at the back of the course. I pulled out my books and heard someone sitting beside me. I looked over because out of all the empty seats in here; they sit right next to me. Noah. I should've known.

"What are you doing here?"

"Getting a higher education. You?"

"I mean in this class, asshole."

"I decided to take it to look better for when I got to grad school."

"You're a business management major."

"I'm aware."

"If you're doing this to bother me, you're wasting your time."

I turned to the front and waited for the professor. I felt Noah's hand on my thigh, and when I tried to pull it off, he went up higher and squeezed tightly. I internally curse myself for wearing a dress today.

"I will break your hand," I whispered.

More people started walking in, and Noah smiled like all was right with the world.

"You aren't stupid enough to do that in front of all these people."

His hand goes higher, and I cleared my throat and adjusted my seat. When he tried to touch my panties, I grabbed his finger and twisted it until I heard that delicious crack. Luckily no one was paying attention. Noah grunted in pain and moved his hand, looking at me like I was an entirely different person.

"That was incredibly hot."

He grabbed his finger, got up from his seat, and left. I sit back, satisfied, as the professor walked in.

Classes go by quickly since it's the first day we get our syllabus and go on our way. After the first day, I head back to the dorms and find a single blue rose waiting for me. Despite expecting this, my heart dropped. I took the rose inside with me and set it on my desk. This was the invite I've been waiting for and now that it was here I was nervous. This is what you signed on for. I reminded myself. But I knew that this was only the beginning.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE: This is where things are gonna start to shift a bit.

Another week or so passed. To be honest, you really missed nothing, other than Stephen giving me a plastic baggie with some of my stone-flakes in it because he wasn't sure what else to do with them. He also gave me one of the bottles of Soft to keep in my place, just in case it happened again. That did seem like a precaution I should have already thought of myself.

And a lot of Knives. A loooot of her hanging around, and finally weaseling my number out of me so she could text and ask if she could come over. I ignored a lot of her texts, but she still always managed to get me to agree to a time she could come bouncing through my door with one of her attack-hugs at the ready. We mostly just watched movies or played video games. Met up with Stephen and Joseph some other night at a sushi place. And the whole time, I didn't know what to do with myself.

Before you ask, there were a couple of close calls. Because we can all tell where this is going already, so I'm just putting it out there.

Three nights after we were watching the samurai movie, she came in for a hug. Slower than usual, and I mean like, at a snail's pace. Turned out, she just thought it would be funny if we bumped noses, but I was just slightly-drunk enough to think she was going in for something else. I blame the tequila shots, and therefore, on Steph who had ordered them. Dumb lush. But I managed to play it off that she was just too close to my face, and that was why I flinched.

Then there was the next day, when we split a Canadian from Pizza Pizza for dinner. We both went in for a slice at the same time and our hands touched; that old thing. I accused her of being a greedy bitch, but she was just biting her bottom lip and giggling before she flicked a mushroom at me. It made me either want to slap her, or… I don't know. For the life of me, I don't know what the fuck was going on in my head, but she let me brush it off and grab a different slice.

But as they say, all good things must come to an end. Which isn't exactly what happens here, but like, go with it, okay?

                                                            ~ o ~

"I don't understand," she was sighing as she swung upside-down from the monkey bars in Hillcrest Park, jeans-clad knees taking the brunt of her slight weight effortlessly. "My mom acts like she's so worldly, but then she doesn't want me to have a totally normal barista job because it'll distract me from meeting 'a nice man' or becoming a doctor, or whatever."

I sighed as I picked at some peeling paint on one of the bars. I was sitting on a 'step' for the kids to climb up to the slide, though my omnipresent black cloud of misanthropy had kept any actual children far away from us. "She's being a mom. That's what they do: pass judgment on their children's decisions. Mine are in the professional league."

"That sucks." Her eyes went up — and in this case that means they were pointed at the sky, not above her head, which would have been sand. "Don't my tits look great like this?"

"Sure," I snorted. "I m-mean, what makes you think I noticed?"

"Nothing, Kim," she giggled. "Just a thought I had. Oh, did you know TCAD is getting back together?"

I pursed my lips for a moment before answering, "Are they really?"

"Kind of. I mean, it's not the original lineup, though. That'd be huge news, since that jerk Todd was turned into coins!" She flipped up through the bars and began walking on top of them, arms out to the sides to help maintain her balance. "Think the new bassist is that girl from Smashing Turnips. They broke up, remember? Plus they're holding auditions for new drummers but I heard she doesn't want guys applying. Sounded like she was pretty sure of that."

"So now they're an all-girl band? Quaint."

"Envy said in a press release that she was thinking about staying solo, but I guess she had a change of heart. But she did start going by 'Natalie' again, 'cause the solo career didn't work out for her. She said 'I'm just not cut out to be a pop star, it's too high-maintenance'." Then she gasped and turned to look at me. "DUDE! You should so totally try out!"

My eyes widened. "What?! Knives, you-"

"Think about it! You're a drummer, and a girl, and they're super-"

"KNIVES!"

But I wasn't upset about her needling me into life decisions. She wasn't paying attention to what she was doing anymore, and had started to slowly fall off the monkey bars. A little yelp of surprise sounded as her running shoes slipped down and back off the metal, arms windmilling. The world slowed to a crawl. Heart in my throat, I dove, and just barely managed to catch her before falling into the sand around the playscape.

"Shit… are you okay?!" I demanded, my voice an octave too high.

But she wasn't listening. Her eyes were round, and she had her hands locked around the back of my neck. She looked stunned speechless, which was a new look for her. My hands flexed awkwardly in her armpit and under her knee as I held her slight weight, which was still a little heavy but I'm a drummer, so I have a decent amount of upper body strength. I could handle it.

"You saved me," she breathed.

"What? Well… y-yeah, I couldn't let you… fall."

"Um… I probably would have been fine. It's only like five feet, and there's sand everywhere." Her face was closer again. Probably going in for another hug, like last time. "But you caught me, Kim."

For some reason, I couldn't put her down yet. Swallowing down my panic, I whispered, "What if you broke your neck? I'd… I could never live with letting that happen to you."

"Why not?"

She was prying into my feelings and motivations too much. Gruffly, I snapped, "Who else would annoy the hell out of me every day? What a stupid ass question."

Even though that was intended to get her to laugh and call me a dork, or say I was funny, or just to tell me I could put her down, it didn't seem to work the way I hoped.

Because Knives kissed me. And I mean kissed me… and I kissed back. Really, we might have done it at the same time, like when you and a friend automatically go in for the fist bump when something really awesome happens because you're both on the same page. Something about the moment just needed it, even if I didn't fully understand why. Her lips were soft and sweet, and familiar; I knew we'd kissed when drunk, even though I couldn't remember most of it. And the gentle weight in my arms made it perfect.

Of course, once we broke apart a few seconds — minutes, hours, centuries — later, I went into pure panic mode. Or tried to. But the lip-on-lip contact had robbed me of actual power and ability to move. Not like the time I turned to stone, though; this wasn't that serious.

"O-oh," was all she said at first. Though the look in her eyes and the way her breathing was so rapid and shallow told me that the "oh" meant a lot more than that, so just this once, I didn't snap at her to explain.

"Holy balls," I managed to breathe.

"Where did that come from? I mean… it was…"

When her face started glowing, a small, private, sacred smile of pure joy blossoming, I had to drop her to the sand and stand back up, turning around to grip the monkey bars overhead to keep myself from falling over. Why was I so dizzy? Why was I overreacting? I mean, a little part of me had been able to tell that we were trending in this direction. Like magnets, or gentrification of old neighbourhoods; sometimes you just can't stop it. Yet I had kind of thought it might never happen. Or at the very least, it would take longer than a few weeks.

"Kim?" One of her hands came to rest in the small of my back.

"Whoa, whoa," I squeaked, spinning around so fast I almost fell myself. "J-just because we- I mean, you shouldn't- don't do that!"

"Sorry," she breathed as she lowered the hand, rubbing her fingers together as if trying to rid them of the memory. I know I could definitely still feel them on my back.

"No, don't…" Sighing, I pressed both my hands into my face. "AGH!" There was a high-pitched whistling sound. "What the hell is even happening anymore?!"

After a few seconds of silence, Knives cleared her throat. "You, um… does steam come out of your ears normally?"

"No! And it didn't just now, either!"

"But I saw-"

"Nevermind that! Just…" Running hands through my hair, and feeling that it did feel a little warmer and more moist than it should have been, I looked over at her. "Can we just rewind about five minutes and forget that ever happened? I… whatever that was, I'm not ready. I'm not ready for it, Knives."

A little shrug of her shoulders as she stared down at her running shoes. "I haven't unlocked that power-up yet, Kim. Sorry."

"Stop apologising, too! Like… we didn't do anything wrong, it's just way past what I can handle right now. Okay? Please, just… I can't even believe we're having this conversation. And on a playground!"

Ugh. Do you have any idea how terrible I felt? Panicking and making her feel like it was all her fault. It was so hard for me to explain my own feelings that I wound up trampling all over hers. But I didn't know how else to react.

"Kim… it's okay," she said finally, cautiously putting her hands on my shoulders. I twitched, took a step backward, but she followed and kept them there. "It's okay. I don't really understand this, either; I mean, I didn't think I was a lesbian. But then again, I didn't at Julie's aunt's, either, and that still-"

"Let's not talk about that, either," I grunted, ashamed of myself. "Especially since you were still in high school."

"Barely," she made sure to remind me. "But… seriously, you made me feel loved that night, and you made me feel loved just now." My eyes must have bulged in panic, because she reassured me, "Like a friend! A good friend who, uh, doesn't mind… that sometimes? If that's cool…"

"Just how far did we go?" I had to ask.

"Made out for a little while. Some… other stuff, but nobody took off their swimsuit," she assured me nervously, and I sighed in some slight relief. "And it was great! But if you want to not do that again, I'm fine with that. Seriously!"

Temptation reared its ugly head. "Well…" Then I shook myself, gripping at my hair around her hands still on my shoulders. "GAH! Like, I'm kinda curious, but also have never… I mean, I've dated guys all my life, this is a pretty big curveball of a life choice, if it is one. And I didn't think you were anything more than just a friend before today, so isn't it crazy to change statuses all of a sudden like this?"

"Why does it have to be some big 'choice'?" she chuckled softly. It made me mad that she wasn't being serious. No… that isn't true. It made me jealous that she wasn't having as much trouble with it as I was. Yeah, that's way more accurate. "I mean, either you want to kiss me or you don't. Whatever, right?"

"Right. Just so easy. Is that why you've been hanging around me so much? Hoping to wear me down?"

"What? No, I wouldn't- that's not it at all!"

"Are you sure?" She squirmed, but didn't back down. "All that time hanging around, you just were hoping that it would happen again. Great. I thought I really had a friend, and you're just another Scott waiting to happen."

But that was a low blow and we both flinched, her hands falling away from me. Before I could apologise, Knives got to it first. "Kim, I'd never do that. It's hard to blame Scott for what he did, because I hearted him so much, but that's just… not the kind of thing I could ever do to a friend! S-so please, don't say that I would…"

"Knives… shit." Pinching the bridge of my nose, I said, "Okay. You're right, I'm… not being fair."

"You're freaking out is what you are."

"Definitely. Can we… I don't know. I want to run away and hide, but I also don't want you to leave."

"Wanna go to Delicious Cup?" she suggested, again touching my arm. This time, I didn't react, either positively or negatively. "We, um, can just talk there. PDA in the café would be a little gross so it'll make kissing less of a… does 'issue' make sense? Is that the best word?"

Nodding, I swallowed hard. "Yeah. It's a great word. Maybe even word of the day, because I clearly have issues."

"Kim, nooo," she half-whined, grasping my wrist and pulling me along. We only made the briefest of stops to snag our bags from the deserted swingset before heading off past the wading pool. "I mean… I kinda freaked out the next morning after the first time, too, so I totally get it! I just… already worked through all that, maybe? Not with a legit therapist, just did a lot of thinking, and talking to Tamara."

"You talked to Tamara about this?!"

"Not a lot! Just, like, sorting through my feelings! And she wouldn't tell anybody, she's my BFF!"

My body felt like it wanted to turn into stone again, but I forced myself to breathe, to stop acting like every weird moment of my life was the end of the world. "Okay… you're right. Back in those days, I probably would have tried to talk to Stephen about this if I could remember more about that night. But I just wrote it off as being drunk. I mean, I never tried to make out with Ramona, or Julie, or…"

"Actually, I kinda heard that you and Ramona had a slight moment," Knives laughed. When I turned round eyes on her, she protested, "From Lisa! Like, remember when we all got together before she moved away?"

"What moment did we have?" I demanded.

"Something about you and she and Scott being all in the same bed, and you telling them both that you loved them." When she looked back after a few seconds of silence and caught me blushing, she giggled. "You were talking, not doing anything else. At least, I'm pretty sure I'd have heard about anything else."

"Oh, good. I mean, if I had a threesome with Scott and that hair-changing hipster, I'd blow my stack."

The bridge of her nose crinkled from the force of her smile as we made our way toward the bus stop. "Already did that once today. Seriously, can you teach me that trick with the steam?"

"GOD, SHUT YOUR HOLE!"

                                                             To Be Continued…

[misterbitches]

breaking it down

as someone who frequents kpop stan twitter more than is healthy for my brain function some of those bitches are so outright with their anti-blackness and shit its insane. it always boggles my mind how people think koreans just dont know anything ?? (its infantilization !!) also yeah its very disheartening how any movement is compared to blm and GOD so much guilt tripping. like we need solidarity people this isnt a competition about whose issue is the worse and is getting the most retweets.

very gross. tamara k nopper is a great person on this. she studies black-asian specif black-korean relations and she is asian obvs. one of her close activist friendsis mariame kaba and she wrote the foreword for her. she was interviewed for a times piece on black asian solidarity as well and she lays down the law. it should have been in the first part of the piece bc it says “anti asian racism has always existed in the black community” along with “anti blackness” for the asian comm. that is not true re: anti asian racism because it is not the same power structure. nopper has this piece on the idea of mutual misunderstanding which implies that black people (specifically for this case) but also indigenous people do not have a right to their land. black pp for having to cultivate and forced labor, indigenous people for it being their literal land. when groups come in and claim that space there is no mutual to it. it’s just different and antiblackness exists as a constant. that’s ok. i hate it when ppl just casually let shit go like that bc then you get to read more with that on your mind as if it is the core issue and no anti asianness in the black community is not. their core issue. white supremacy is and the way that other groups and black ppl enact it to further harm all of us but continuing to push blackness at the bottom. additionally, there are black ppl in every group. so what’s the deal here? she metnions that asians are ignoring the marginilazations of their own groups so how can they get solidarity completely right without actually understanding why things are or were the way they are. there is no strong history between black-asian solidarity tho that really predates CRM. and that is not bc of black ppl. :)

dubbing were the actors in the untamed voicing their own actors though? i'm genuinely curious. if they are not it frustrates me because frankly that takes a lot of the veritas out HOWEVER many of them do have different accents and i can see why people are like that matters. but the thing is, if the actors can't deliver what the people need in the show....get different ones? but they can't because actors who are good and established probably aren't gravitating towards it. many c-dramas now mix them. in advance bravely (gong jun from word of honor is in it and WOH is like the untamed it's written by Priest but it's in the c-novel to drama industrial complex that won't end) they are just using dubs of the actors because many parts the sound will get in the way. they do it by mixing the atmos in with the dubbing and regular lines. many times people can't tell it's ADR ( i use this a lot so it means added dialogue recording. i mean the 'a' stands for something else i think but basically it's just getting ppl to come into a studio so they can dub.) so i think the untamed might do that. or i hope. because it does bug me A LOT honestly. also dubs are just....difficult. i get that china needs to though for flow (also like korean actors that do their dramas get dubbed or like international ones. it's just like....so weird. i do not like it.) the sound is never going to match and it's always going to sound far away. and they are still spending money on sound crews... sigh the Industry. i hate it. us complaining about our industries / misc - LMAOOOO SPOKEN WORD. listen. opjifhougsgijkoa. i know. slam poetry is so embarrassing. but they are decent writers...sometimes. mostly it sounds like this - film and art ppl do this too. pretentious. as i am pretentious i can say that. but yes you're always going around feeling better lmao. and it's frustrating bc u just wanna have fun and live. - in my undergrad... i went to a PWI and that was too much for me and everyone was rich. but when i got to grad for film school? i moved to another country (UK) and i just. expected it to be. easy? better? diversity wise. but i was the only black woman and black person in my cohort and out of like 200 students and only 6 were black, a split in gender. the alienation and isolation was awful. i had a really good time there and i loved my life there but it was fucking HARD. agonizing. the same shit you experience. my shitty advice is that they dont matter at all. i am also glad that the person was yelled at in class because in a lot of places they dont do that bc THEY SUCK - smh USE A VPN NUMBER ONE if u dont and number two...i know lmaooo. i use duckduckgo sometimes bc it really creeps me out. and bc i am Old (i know i know) man ...none of it matters. you think you sound stupid maybe? you don't. at 29 after years and years of internalizing that its just a waste of time. don't try to be perfect because those who want to listen will. and i want to! and so do other people. second guessing and panicking is fucking awful and we have to learn to cope with it but when u have sth to say DO IT. its gonna come out somehow anyway lmao. and yea they fucking should. not self congratulatory you just know when you need to chill. and yea like when ppl say the n word im like bruh i didnt start using that word until way later and i grew up AROUND ALL BLACK PPL in a fuckin historically black and disenfranchised city and u have the audacity? peopl ewith the least knowledge speak the most though because their voices are valued and they can get away with offensive shit cos theres no repercussions and exactly like u said abt the men tryna be career politicians! - yes ia abt many white leftists. but one thing i will say is that we have to curate our own spaces and when we do that realize our spaces are not the norm i

guess. also i had to shift my focus from seeing myself through the male gaze, the non white gaze, the white gaze, etc and though i will never shed it, it helps in managing the difficult people around you. it's not you, it's them. - i know u were not m'dear lmaoooooo. and yes i am not old but capitalism. they make it sound like millenials are literally close to deah tat this point. i really hate how commodified the generations have become and how it just regeneratess the idea of usefulness. we let a lot of old ppl die this yr and a lot of that is cos theyre not needed. i am technically in my prime but capitalism says no you're not. weird. - i feel like in leftist spaces especially you got a bunch of people who have probably gotten royally fucked over throughout their lives so ofc their gonna react to shit in dramatic ways when they feel attacked. idk we all just probably need therapists. i have nothing more to say than absolutely. the reactionary shit is annoying but yea. i think for many yes. i guess we just have to take it day-by-day. realize we aren't perfect. some days things are gonna bother us more, too. but it doesnt mean it's the norm. i saw something yesterday that i don't think was necessarily thought out properly and i was working myself into a frenzy but it just. doesnt really matter sometimes. i think we really need validation for our thoughts as well so many reactionaries are like NO this is fact. because yes it is very much emotional sometimes. that's ok! - visiting here??????? or going elsewhere? bc yes we're idiots. my cousin be doing tourism all over and im like girl look at u with this colonizer look just stay at hom eand get the fuck out of jamaica i MEAAAAN - i am glad you like school. it's not lame at all it's really good. i wish i cared abt knowledge back then. bc now i am just an idiot. i am sorry abt yr episode :( i know it' shard. also i hope u can get yr sleep on track soon! it's really important unfortunately lol and yea...mental illness. - yes "activism has become such a performance" :( back to my above point. it's sooihgausijipah yes at the slightly different view. or even not knowing????? asking questions? asking people to clarify? sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall bc theyre not actually open to the discussion like they say they are. and yes twitter literally. it just. cant. it really is not the capacity for it. omg no u didnt at ur history minor I LOVE THAT TELL ME MORE ! like how it helps u with thinking about this stuff. i dont know shit but man i sure as hell have learned a lot more by not just trusting eveyrone. esp from tankies or just weird leftists who are just so fucking annoying ugh. yest somoene proposed this thing about us benefitting from imperialism via labor but it was just such a simple analysis and when someone i follow was like pushing back ppl were just being rude or telling him shit he knew. and it just pissed me off to see bc the conclusions were ABSURD something like "how can people argue if conditions are worse in the global south"like first of all no one was arguing that it's just that labor and imperialism is not a direct line and not only that as black ppl we are affected by it bc....we were slaves? so what is the thing you're trying to say. what they really want to say is this:

but since they were caught in their poor overzealous IM THE GOOD AMERICAN (bitch who CARES) wording they have to triple down and just make even farther absurd claims (i wont show u but one of them was the THINGS RE RLY BAD FOR POOR PPL IN THE "GLOBAL SOUTH" like oh are they guys?) also i hate that term now bc it's just literally oh not the US or the "west"? it good. HUH also whaat about the state colloboration? but ok that's fine. yes worker power here = detracting worker power worldwide? what is this beneficial rship? care to explain? no, no they did not. they just mentioned a bunch of dumb shit the US did as if we dont know that.

- it's ok my brain also stopped working. i feel like i talked too much abt myself. i will address the rest in another post so i can tag it keke

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this…

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet…or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is…at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so…rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering….the rustling….it’s like guys…please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that….like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like….actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like…for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like…be honest, question, etc but also like…approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy…we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that…..intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just….different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back….which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense…i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly………gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m…an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u…do…research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23…but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW…..what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like…..ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor….theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that….well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly….didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s……the wrong one…..(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no…maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well……….we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just…the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like…….believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho…still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!