#and can’t kill myself in penance or my car would be sad :( and also my friends or whatever. but ny green Kia soul mostly.

[steevejr]

30 year old birthday pros:

-hang out wit friends

-watch hotel Transylvania 2 : the fetish film

-play video games and get snacks

- 6ish months on t and pass to cops

Cons;

- first car accident

-my car hates me and is ruined forever

Pros:

-car got to bite another car ? that’s enrichment maybe?/

-driver was a former Kia soul driver which reaffirms my theory that only kia souls can damage another Kia soul

[whumpiary]

whumptober 2020 | day 1: let’s hang out sometime

[content warning: discussed past self harm, referenced past abuse, mild dissociation/depersonalisation, intimate whumper]

-

There's something harrowing — gut-wrenching — about seeing a grown man cry. It's almost painful. Just watching someone with utter poise and dignity let it slide and crash because they don't care anymore who sees them crumble.

It's enough to make the one watching crumble a little, too. Just a little. It doesn't even matter what it is that they're crying over. A loved one in a hospital bed. A job that came to an end too quickly. A lost pet. Some spilled milk.

A boy strung up in the middle of their parlour, hands high above his head, barely standing where he's chained.

Christopher sobs silently, one hand clamped over his mouth as the other grips the edge of the desk he’s leaning against like it’s the only thing keeping him upright. He had started tearing up as soon as he’d started taking away Cass’ clothing: a soft little gasp as he caught sight of the first scar, and then growing grief as more skin was exposed.

The first sob took the man over as the last scrap of clothing fell away and he’s been braced against the desk since. Shoulders softly shaking, eyes squeezed shut. As though he can barely stand to look at the boy in front of him without being overcome.

Cassius is cold. He registers it dimly. Distantly. This body, right now, isn’t his own. His senses seem to know that, relaying everything from a distance. Like hearing the radio from someone else’s car. Like watching the TV in the reflection of a window. 

The cuffs around his wrists cut in and his calves are starting to burn and his lungs ache from breathing against stretched out ribs and he also doesn’t care about any of it. He’s back here again. A whole new cycle that he always knew, not so far below the surface. And every scar across his body is a road map of a world that Cass already feels like he never escaped to to begin with.

Christopher  brings his hand to Cassius’ cheek and as though on muscle memory, Cass leans into it.

“My darling boy,” the older man whispers. His eyes are tear-filled still, searching Cass’ own desperately, as though for some sort of answer. Cass has none. “My darling, darling boy. What have they done to you?”

Cass holds Christopher’s gaze and for a moment wants to share with the man the entire history of the last few years. Every secret. Every truth. Give them up. Give them over. Undo. But he feels muzzled. Gagged. Like his lips are sewn shut.

There’s nothing to say. There’s everything to tell. 

“I’m so sorry, Cassius,” Christopher says. His hand skirts over the scar near his shoulder, the one down his arm, the one at his ribs. Like a fucked up dot to dot. “I’m so sorry. If I had known… My god, darling boy, if I had known…”

Cass nearly laughs at that. He would have what? Bought the company just to win his contract back? Stolen him away? Killed Tucker with his bare hands? Or would he have shaken the man’s hand and given him a bonus? Asked to sit in for the next blood letting?

Christopher starts with the obvious.

“This one,” he says, pads of his fingers tracing the gnarled, raised scar along Cassius’ ribs. “Tell me about this one.”

“Got stabbed,” Cass mumbles. His mouth feels full of cotton wool. “Job went wrong. About a year in. Maybe later. Can't remember. Had to have surgery.”

Christopher sucks in a breath, deep and shuddering, covering his mouth on the exhale as another silent tear slides down his cheek. He brushes his cheek dry again with his knuckles and takes another breath to calm himself, lowering his head. For a moment, his hand sits heavy on Cassius’ hip, as though he needed it to steady himself. Cass rocks back on the balls of his feet just barely and the man’s grip seems to tighten in kind, keeping him still and close. 

They stay just like that for a moment until Christopher manages to collect himself, fingers pressing to the bridge of his nose, drying his eyes with a sniff. He drops his hand from his face to trace the scar again, breath stuttering. Cass feels seasick with the the touch. A dragging back of forth over scar-tissue he can’t quite feel properly.

“The scarring is terrible,” Christopher says.

Cass closes his eyes for a moment. If he imagines enough, the cool, dry hands are warm and steady instead. They’re firm and sure instead of claiming and caressing. They’re pulling him back together, stitch by stitch. The memory is such a sacred indulgence, he has to shake his head a little to clear it again.

“Yeah, they... fucked the stitches,” he says, voice croaked. “Had to get it redone.”

Another shaking breath. Another sniff. Cass keeps his eyes lowered. He doesn’t need to see the grief.

“Well that surgeon deserves to be fired.”

They go on like that. Christopher touching each scar, having him name and catalogue them, one after the other.

The thin one over his bottom lip. “Bar fight.”

The short thick one at his collarbone. “Lab test.”

The nick up by his brow. “Beat down.”

The curving long one down his arm. “Don’t remember.”

There are a few like that. More than he’d have expected. The burn on his arm. The glossy skin on his knuckles. The twisted one at his knee. Don’t remember. Don’t remember. Don’t remember.

And Christopher in between, mourning each one. Touching them, pressing his hand to them as though he could will the scars healed with his grief. Christopher has to keeping taking breaks for more tears and sobs. Like over, and over again he’s realising what he’s lost. Of what he once had. What he’ll never have back.

“My God, what have they done to you, darling boy?” He whispers it over and over again and over again. “You were so beautiful. So perfect. What have they done to you? What have they done?”

It takes them a while to retrace every new mark on him since Christopher has seen him last. The man is methodical and thorough. Scrupulous. Cass is almost startled by how many he finds. More than Cass would’ve discovered on his own, he’s sure. By the time they get to the last few, Cass can’t feel his hands. 

“I’m so sorry, my love, I know you’re tired,” Christopher says with a kiss to the cheek, a hand cupping his jaw. His eyes are filled with sympathy and apology. As though he isn’t the one who’s doing this. As though this is some necessary procedure instead of his own predilection. “We’re nearly done. Last ones.”

Christopher holds Cassius’ gaze as his hand drifts low, skirting a decent gathering of little scars at his hip, over his thigh. They’re smaller, these ones. Harder to see. Only a shade or so lighter than his skin these days but piece by piece, bit by bit, they stack up, start to look noticeable. Little fine nicks and cross hatches, some raised, some flat, all faded.

“These ones here. The lab again?”

Cass drops his eyes. He stares at them for a beat, stares at what he can see beneath the man’s hand anyway, before looking back to Christopher.

“No,” he says. He feels a thrill to say it. “Me.”

A sharp intake of breath. ���Excuse me?”

“I did those ones myself.”

A beat. “I thought we broke you of that little habit.”

And they had. For a while. – You’ll be hurt on my terms or not at all. – But Christopher should’ve known it would be one of the first things to resurface once he was out of reach. Why shouldn’t it be?

Cass smiles at the older man, eyes dead. “If it helps, I thought of you every fucking time.”

Which isn’t true entirely but shit does it feel good to say it.

The slap that flies hard and brutal across his cheek feels good too.

“Don’t you do that to me,” Christopher says, after a moment. His voice is soft and quiet and sad. Shaking with what was maybe a little anger. Funny. It was rare to see Christopher show that card. “I’m hurting badly enough today, I don’t need your cruelty on top of it.”

Cass keeps his head turned, staring at the arm of the leather rancher’s sofa beside him. His cheek burns, hot and tingling with the blood rush, as Christopher’s hand trails up and to his shoulder. As the man steps behind him, both palms pressing at his shoulder blades. At his back.

“And these?” he says. Cass’ eyes shutter closed, breath all at once catching high in his chest. Christopher’s been saving these, he knows. The crosses and lines on his back. One after the other after the other after the other.

Cass can’t answer to these. He can’t say. Can’t bear to. And, by some virtue of generosity, by some kind of twisted, fucked up grace, Christopher doesn’t make him. “He gave these to you?”

It takes him another minute. A long, hard minute of trying to breathe. Christopher allows him the mercy of the hesitation. And then, shakily, he nods his head.

Christopher sucks in a shaky breath as his palm presses to the scarring and Cass can tell he’s crying all over again. The sob shakes down Christopher’s arm, into his hand and hits like a jolt of electricity through Cass’ spine. It feels like it shakes his

“My God. This is cruelty. This is… this is cruelty.”

And Cass could laugh at that. He really could. After everything, everything this man has done. After everything he’s put his head through and his heart through and his body. This is cruelty, is it? Finally, this is cruelty.

Nah, it’s not cruelty. He wants to say. Penance.

He’s glad the words don’t actually make it past his lips.

Christopher’s hand runs across them over and over, again and again, and the feeling is so strange, so tender, so violating that Cass finds himself pressing his face against his arm and screwing his eyes shut, as though to hide. Skin then scar then skin then scar. Numbed then felt. Hot then cold.

Every trace of the crosses feel like he’s being stripped bare. As though with every caress, Christopher is peeling away a layer of numbness, a layer of armour, an exoskeleton. The world is like a burning thing without it all.

Cass hangs his head, arms still stretched up and aching, and he sobs, voice pulling out of him in a broken whisper. “Please stop.”

The plea seems to bring Christopher to the surface of whatever grief laden fascination he’s lost in and the man circles in front of him, hand cupping his cheek, thumb catching the tear that slides down it. Christopher’s tears mirror Cassius’ own as the man presses their foreheads together and Cass is sure they look a lovely picture of grief.

Shared martyrdom. Saint and saviour.

Maybe the man should have crucified him instead.

“I’m so sorry, Cassius,” Christopher whispers again, and Cass cringes and cries and keeps his eyes shut. “If I had known… I promise you, if I had known…”

It’s a mercy beyond measure that the man never finishes the sentence.

[mtvswatches]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x01 I Want to Be Here

Stray thoughts

1) Welcome to my first recap of the last season of CEG! I Hope you enjoy this (and if enough people are interested, I might recap the previous three seasons… eventually…) This is both a recap and a first reaction. I haven’t seen the episode yet so I will be writing my thoughts as I watch the episode for the first time. Yay!!

2) Okay, first comment: I love how they’ve changed the titles from “...Josh...” (or Jeff or Nathaniel or Trent…) to “I…”. I think it’s a clear indication of where this season is heading. Rebecca will finally grasp this concept of self-love, self-esteem, and identity. Your life needs to be your own before you can share it with someone, and I hope this is the philosophy that Rebecca embraces this season.

3) I’ve grown to like Nathaniel a lot, but he still needs to continue his journey on this show. He’s made a lot of progress, but the fact that he thinks Rebecca should prioritize him/their relationship over her own mental health and responsibilities and that he may think Rebecca pleading guilty reads as her not loving him enough shows that he still has a long way to go. This whole thing – Rebecca going to prison – has nothing to do with Nathaniel or her feelings for him. Yes, she did throw Trent over the balcony in order to save Nathaniel, but that’s it. Pleading insanity would’ve meant taking the easy way out, which has been Rebecca’s M.O. when it came to facing the music. Until last season, of course. A lot of her decisions were affected by her mental illness, but she truly needed to own up to everything she’d done and take responsibility for it. I get why Nathaniel might not agree with her decision, but he still should’ve stood by her side.

4) Okay, one of the reasons I love this show…

JUDGE: Everybody, just calm down. That's why I brought you into chambers to tell you that I can't accept Miss Bunch's guilty plea. For starters, it wasn't even really a plea. It was more of a speech filled with, uh, irrelevant details that you delivered to this lady with your back to me, and then I find out that you're in a romantic relationship with your actual lawyer, who I'm guessing is also in…

EVERYONE: Real estate.

This is such a beautiful way to deconstruct a trope without taking away from how effective and pivotal that scene was. Yes, as in most movies, Rebecca delivered a speech that moved most of the people in the courtroom as she pleaded guilty. Would this be acceptable in a real courtroom in real life? Obviously not. It was a great character moment for Rebecca, who obviously couldn’t help but have her Hero moment or Grand Gesture or whatever as the protagonists of movies are bound to do so. Of course, she’s not actually in a movie, so her speech, as beautiful and poignant as it was, won’t fly. Let’s not overlook the fact that all the lawyers attempting to defend Rebecca have ZERO experience in this type of cases, which is yet another thing that wouldn’t happen in real life and the show clearly points it out.

5) And I get where Paula’s coming from. Again, Rebecca needed to make a Grand Gesture because she’s still in this movie mindset by which in order to get Redemption you need to make a Great Sacrifice. In real life, it doesn’t really work that way. We find redemption in small – yet meaningful – acts. It’s a long, arduous journey, it cannot be accomplished with one great, over-sweeping act. Yes, what Rebecca did at the end of last season was, indeed, a grand gesture. But by their very nature gestures are merely an indication of good intentions that need to be followed and validated by other actions.

6) “I want to go to jail” “Jail is what I deserve” Let’s see how long this “gesture” lasts... (I’m guessing not long…)

7) Was this… a nipple slip?

Or is that shadowy thingy her fingers/hands?

8) Now, Rebecca and Nathaniel do have a lot in common…

NATHANIEL: It's not a pansy-ass camping trip. It's an intense outdoor survivalist excursion. That's why it's called Death Wish Adventures.

GEORGE: Love that name. Sounds therapeutic.

NATHANIEL: Oh, it is, it is. And for the low, low price of $100,000, I pay this company to beat me up, drive me out to the middle of the woods, and leave me alone to fend for myself.

Isn’t this pretty much what Rebecca is doing with her prison sentence? An over-the-top, uncalled-for reaction to a situation?

9) “I’m not killing myself, George! I’m going on a Death Wish Adventure!” *stabs bag with the machete* OMG the irony!

10) “How did I miss it, Hector?” Because…

11) Josh is basically taking the opposite route…

JOSH: Yeah, maybe I also have a disorder.

HECTOR: What, dude?

JOSH: Yeah, think about it. Okay, those things about Rebecca, they're not the only things I've missed, like, in life. I didn't realize being a priest would be such a bummer. I didn't realize I was dancing at a gay bar for, like, a month. I didn't realize your mom doesn't like it when I whistle in the shower. (…)

HECTOR: Maybe. Or maybe you're a little oblivious, self-absorbed, and need to be more aware of the world around you.

JOSH: No. Disorder.

HECTOR: Or..

JOSH: Disorder. I have one. I wonder which one.

Most of the things he’s “missed” are things that only call for… very basic common sense? But Josh is choosing to take the easy way out. It’s easier to blame our all bad decisions and poor judgment on a mental disorder than to accept the fact that maybe we’re just a big fat dum-dum.

Could he really have a disorder, though? I don’t know.

12) I just love how Rebecca’s cellmate is reading Webster’s Dictionary because why the hell not, right?

13) Oh, this scene…

First, OF COURSE Rebecca took the chance to get the leading role in this number (as opposed being a backup singer like she was in camp, if I remember correctly.) Not only that, but this is actually the first time we’ve seen her sing FOR REAL. As great as EVERY single song in this show is, all of them are “performed” – so to speak – in the characters’ minds. They are not real. The characters are not really breaking into song because, well, that’s just not what happens in the real world. We know that music and songs (and storytelling, to a certain extent) are part of Rebecca’s coping mechanism. So it’s disheartening yet realistic that she’s not actually talented. How hard must have been for Rachel to sing sort of badly?

14) Uh. The phrase “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” just came to mind. How is doing musical theatre – something she’s loved her entire life – penance?

15) This killed me…

And of course, he doesn’t read the first THREE results, he just goes “Ooh! QUIZ!!”

Yes, this will surely solve all your problems, Josh. I mean, who wouldn’t trust the diagnosis offered on a website that also gives you a quiche recipe, right? Sounds legit!

16) I think that Rebecca might have mistaken “penance” with “reward”…

17) And the first musical number!

I truly loved this number, I was watching it with the biggest smile on my face because I was enjoying so much what they were doing here. I mentioned before how I loved the fact that for the first time we got to see Rebecca singing for real, in a real-life context, where everyone is aware that she’s singing and participating in her song. What’s Your Story? is a great blend of that and the typical CEG musical number. Whereas Rebecca is definitely in her own mind, the people around her are pretty much in the here and now of the real world, with very natural reactions to her actions. This is how people would react to someone breaking into song in the real world and trying to romanticize or glamorize things that shouldn’t be, like crime. This is her big Chicago number, yet the criminals in the room, including herself, hardly deserve to be called that. Two shoplifters, a girl whose boyfriend’s meth was found in her car’s glove compartment and a “murderer” who had accidentally killed a teenager while texting and driving. There’s nothing glamorous about this. It’s sad, pathetic even. But of course, that’s only because they, unlike Rebecca, are not good storytellers. And this is how Rebecca is confronted with the reality of her “grand gesture.” She thinks she’s doing this great sacrifice because she’s decided to do her “penance” and spend some time in jail even though the judge did not accept her plea. To the others, she’s just a privileged idiot who thinks this is just a game and who is wasting their time.

Side note: I love the blink-and-you-miss-it tidbit with the two shoplifters and their respective sentences for the SAME crime… the difference being their skin color. And I love how the white lady simply apologizes and walks away.

18) Bless Hector and Heather!

HEATHER: Look, Josh, I really respect your search for self, but these are actual disorders people suffer from, and you're treating it like you're just, like, identity shopping.

HECTOR: Yeah, it's kind of gross.

So much YES. I love this show.

19) Nathaniel’s been in the woods for like four hours and he’s already eating roaches?

20) Nathaniel is season 1 Rebecca and George is season 1 Paula, right?

21) OMG I just called this!!

REBECCA: You know what? I have something to tell you. I figured out something huge. I am privileged.

HEATHER: That just occurred to you just right now?

22) OMG please tell me that we will get see bits of Terrier Chef???

23) Trent woke up from his comma and confessed everything??? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

24) BLESS YOU HEATHER!

REBECCA: What did you expect? I came here to pay penance, and I have not done that yet. I did the opposite of that. I was selfish and I tried to force my own narrative on these women, and steal their stories for my own purposes. And for what? For what? For a Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet?

VALENCIA: Oh, he is so inspirational. Did you know he grew that ponytail just for that show?

HEATHER: What? Okay, Rebecca, I hate to break it to you, but you know, whatever you do in here, nothing is gonna change the fact that you're a rich white lawyer lady who pled guilty for dramatic effect.

25) And bless Valencia, too! (Girl Group 4eva!)

VALENCIA: Uh-uh-uh, honey, you staying here doesn't help anyone who's been wronged, just like your guilty plea didn't help anyone you'd wronged.

This is precisely what I was trying to say when I talked about how small Rebecca’s grand gesture actually was. She wasn’t actively doing anything to make up for her wrongdoings, other than painting herself the victim, yet again.

26) I think staying in jail is yet another way of avoiding responsibility for her actions while convincing herself of the opposite, don’t you think? Like, I can totally imagine someone calling Rebecca out for something she’s done, and her going “I WENT TO JAIL FOR THAT! WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?”, you know? And, idk, maybe don’t go to jail and actually try to make things better with real, tangible actions towards the people you’ve wronged? Just a thought!

27) Second song!!

Ugh, what a great way to convey this very human emotion of self-pity and self-absorption… I think we’re all guilty of this, at one point or another. When we feel like shit, it kind of makes us feel worse and better to believe no one can understand what we’re going through because no one in the history of humanity has ever felt this way before. (I do think that’s true in one sense, but that’s beside the point right now.) Believing that at the very least we’re unique in having these crappy feelings is a bit comforting. We’re telling ourselves “if anything else, you’re special because of this, because no one else has ever felt like you feel right now.” The thing is, we should actually find comfort in knowing the opposite - that many people before us have felt and many people after us will feel – if not exactly then something very close to - what we’re feeling because, well, we’re all human. Many people have felt this, many people have dealt with these feelings, conquered them, coped with them. And so can we. That’s the thought that we should find comforting.

So it’s nice that even though Rebecca, Nathaniel, and Josh indulge in this moment of self-pity and self-centeredness, they do come to the realization that there are people who care enough about them to want them to get better, even if they can’t really understand what they’re going through. Nathaniel turns to his only friend, Josh turns to the drunk lady at the bar (but listens to Heather and Hector’s advice in doing so,) and Rebecca leaves prison and joins her friends.

28) Dr MAN Akopian! OMG!

29) Bless this show, bless this fucking show!

JOSH: But so if-if I don't have a disorder, what can I do? Because something is clearly wrong.

DR MAN AKOPIAN: You can do exactly what you're doing sitting here with me. Look within. Josh, it's not about checking a box and getting a fancy label, or 12, for what's bothering you. Instead, you can think about the choices you make and why you make them.

JOSH: That sounds hard.

DR MAN AKOPIAN: Yeah, yeah. But don't worry. It will take a long time.

30) OMFG, this show, oh god how I’ve missed this show!!!

REBECCA: Everything I do is wrong, by definition. Because of my privilege.

VALENCIA: Okay, that's it. I've had enough. Rebecca, if I hear you say the word "privilege" one more time… You have privilege. I'm glad you acknowledge it. So now you have a choice. Do something good for the world that actually helps people, or shut up. But stop whining.

This is such an important message, so important! Rebecca was yet again using her privilege to victimize herself and avoid taking responsibility/action. Yes, you are privileged. What really matters is what you do with your privilege, how you use it to help those who are unprivileged. Otherwise, you’ll be falling again into the empty gestures pattern…

31) Kudos to Nathaniel for apologizing and admitting that he shouldn’t have skedaddled when Rebecca didn’t do exactly what he wanted her to do.

32) But… they’re at very different stages of their journey… Like I said, Nathaniel probably mirrors Season 1 or Season 2 Rebecca, and Rebecca is a bit ahead of him… so yeah, it doesn’t really make much sense for them to be together right now. So I think telling Nathaniel to leave was a very brave decision for Rebecca and one that she wouldn’t have been able to do not that long ago.

33) Why was Darryl eating imaginary ceviche, though?

34) Quick! What’s the music that plays when Paula asks her “what’s next, Cookie?” That’s killing me!!

35) Good for you, Rebecca!

REBECCA: So when I'm not forcing my opinions and entitlement on everybody else… Sorry for that… I'm actually a pretty good lawyer.

And I don't know much about criminal cases, but I can study up and with your permission, I would love to try and help you and any of the other women in here.

36) OF COURSE!!!

37)  As usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!