#and borderline is very much explainable by me just being fucking dehydrated as shit

[thepenguinflash]

Pro tip if you're a trans man on testosterone: when you're getting bloodwork done make sure you're hydrated. Not cos of passing out or anything sensible like that. But if you're dehydrated it can elevate your full blood count levels. And if your GP is stupid and compares your levels to female levels (despite you being on testosterone for almost 4 years) they may decide your hematocrit and hemoglobin levels are dangerously elevated (high end of normal for cis men) and you need to come off testosterone immediately (rather than drink a glass of water)

They may in fact do this even if you did not go in for a full blood count, and were in fact just supposed to get a testosterone level check. And they may in fact ignore the other obvious signs of dehydration in your blood work such as low potassium and elevated albumin.

If you fail to hydrate you may have to wait over 2 weeks for the appointment that was supposed to be discussing an NHS testosterone prescription just to tell them you forgot to drink water all week and also that they need to use male ranges on your blood work. Oh and you get to have the prescription you've been waiting 6 years for delayed even more, forcing you to keep paying extortionate amounts for private testosterone that's probably not even a high enough dose and also costs more than you spend on groceries in a month.

[sunshinea12]

So I needed to vent or write my feeling out or something

Hi Tumblr universe. No one knows me here which is exactly what i need. I couldn't write this on facebook or twitter and most definitely not a text.... and most importantly nobody will read this which is okay by me.

Today i had an appointment at the eye doctor. I've been having these headaches for a little while now, a few month. I was thinking that maybe it was my glasses because it happens mostly as my day goes on and on as i stare at my computer for work. I think it started when i was stressing about my program ending at work and the load just continually increasing at a rapid pace. I was stressed as hell and i was a little overwhelmed. My program ended and then i had time at home to do whatever i wanted,3 weeks of a potential vacation before i started my new job. As the first week came to a close, the headaches came on really strong. Like i couldn't move my head without getting these pains, like sharp pains right above my left eye. I researched online and thought it might have been my sinuses. I also thought that i was really really dehydrated as i seriously don’t drink enough of anything, another reason i didn't want this to go out to anyone i know because then i would totally be a hypocrite because i am always on everyone else about taking good care of themselves but who am i? honestly I really don’t care I think.Anyway, the headaches remained through all of the time i was out of work. So my assumption was maybe it was because i went from having this crazy ass schedule to like doing nothing, I mean I left my house at 325 am and came home after 7 pm and then come home to work OT for a few more hours, unless one of my shows came on or I passed out. Some nights I couldn’t even find the time to eat dinner and this was every day during the week for about 3 or 4 years. I started working my new job and my schedule has changed once again but it was not as crazy as it once was. I am now looking at a computer screen from 9 in the morning until 630 at night which is a hell of a lot better than the before times so so long ago. So now by 3 in the afternoon my head starts throbbing and my eyes start twitching at work. this is starting to happened everyday now. I don’t get any of the sharp pains anymore, but my eyes feel tired and my head just hurts. Which is what leads me to want to go get my eyes checked for possibly get a new prescription for my glasses.

The dilated my eyes and looked into them with that super bright light. The doctor wanted me to have another test, which i never had to do before. After the screenings were complete she brings me back into the room and tells me that she wants me to go see a specialist for my eyes. She said i have a bulging nerve that is raised. It is showing fuzzy around where the nerve is supposed to lay flat. With me asking questions she was not clear in the things that she told me. Just that i need a second opinion because she is not sure what it is. She said there was diffidently something wrong with the nerve but it could be borderline something emergency or something that medication could fix. When i asked her if i could go blind or even die she told me that the specialist would have to determine that. It could cause blindness or be fatal to my health. She gave me a bunch of numbers to call as well as advice for what to do but i don’t even know. But like do I even call those numbers? What is the point of paying way too much for my premium to be told i have something threatening. What are my chances, what will happen if i don’t, does it make a difference if i do something to begin with? Do i even fucking care enough about myself to look further into this. I am 32, I have absolutely nothing going for me. Terrible job, no one to love or that loves me, friends that aren’t the best kind, family that don’t talk about ANYTHING except the bar that is owned by my father or the latest gossip going around. I wanted so much for myself in my life but i know that none of it will be a reality. SO once again do i fucking care enough to look further into this.

I cried for 10 minutes when i got home and i went to call my “like” mother. My mom passed away 12 years and her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, So i am super blue. I am always super blue around this time of year. All i do is cry around this time of year. Christmas is coming, and as i said her birthday is coming. it is a very lonely time of year for me. I like have no family or friends to be with that i am really close to. I have some people around me but i can’t/don’t really rely on them. Whenever i feel the need to talk i don’t get a response. The people in my life tend to make my issue more about themselves than what it is that i am talking about. My “Like Mom” is classically known for this. since i was a child this has been something that has gone on in my life. I struggled with depression since i was 13 and her and my mom would sit me down to talk and sometimes it just seemed like i wasn’t allowed to talk. Like how I was feeling wasn’t the subject. They cared for me, i know this in my mind and in my heart, but i never got to communicate the feelings I had been feeling way back when. Maybe it was because they couldn’t understand. Maybe it was because they could not believe someone so young could be so hurt, feel so low and lost that they tried to turn me into the opposite. And it worked, kind of.... On the outside, i am not sad, low, lost, insecure. I am bubbly, happy, fun loving, confident like always. This is the skin i wear when i leave my home, when i’m walking down the street, at work, a bar, and hanging out with friends. But when i am in my room I am still sad, lonely as fuck, scared,depressed. it gets to the point where i ignore my phone, turn off my tv and computer and just stare at the ceiling thinking about what if things could be different. I was in a very toxic relationship with a person who i had no business with. I think we poisoned each other. He has been the only person besides those related to me whether by blood or time to tell me that they loved me. He love ME, i would think. How could someone love something like me, shit most days i can’t even find a single thing about me to love. But he told me every day. He also hit me most of those days too. I guess it was tough love that we had. Now sadly i can’t look at anybody without thinking that they will be like that, they will love like that so i don’t/refuse to get close to anybody, including those i have none ALL my life. Now i am just a shell of a person walking around, being there for anybody but screaming inside of my own head. I have felt this way for quite some time but last time i brought it up I was told my period must be coming and i will be over it once my hormones balance out. Funny that was well over a year ago and here we are in November and it is the start of the worst time of year for me because nothing says sad and lonely than spending Christmas with your cat and not getting a call or a text from a soul. Everybody has lives to live and families and their own things they are trying to get past. I just wish that this one time I could have someone there for me. To not brush away my feelings, to let me cry or vent or be sad, to let me tell the whole damn story before you bring in what is up with themselves or how they would do things. I’ve said it to plenty of people in the past and i guess it is my own turn to hear it. People are not always going to love you the way that you love them and they are also not always going to love you the way you want to be loved or think you deserve to be loved. Especially if you don’t tell them and I for one am not a speak up kind of person. I am most definitely the I am all ears, tell me whats wrong because I don’t want you to be sad kind of person. I will come to you if all you need is a hug and some kind words. I am the one who will listen to you cry and maybe even cry with you, but i will also keep checking on you to make sure you are alright, even though the storm has passed. I am what they call the strong friend. The one who is always in good spirits who wants everyone to feel good or be good sometimes even if I have to make an ass out of myself to do it. I am searching for someone like that for me right now. Someone who will know what to say or what to do to just be there. I just really need a hug, I haven’t had a hug since 2016 when i randomly met one of my twitter followers when I flew from Philly to San Francisco for 36 hours to see Darren Criss as Hedwig and she told me she was there as well. Unless we can say hugging means loving my cat, because I hug him everyday. He is my world, my Knight(that is his name). He saved me. He gave me something to do, I get out of bed every morning because of him, granted he is screaming at me to feed him but still. I love him more than I could ever even think to explain. I am not saying that i wouldn't be here if it weren't for Mr Knight, I am just saying he helps me get threw my nights and for that i am thankful.