#and bess growing to care about him too

[kanerallels]

bessxhenry and i must know how you'd coffee shop them. (also have you written any other fic for them???)

Oh you have no idea how many different ideas I just cycled through before finally landing on this one I'm still not totally sold on it but I feel like I'm never totally happy with the M Sec stuff I write. I feel like I have a hard time getting Bess's voice right

But in answer to your question yes! I have! I wrote one Christmas drabble for them last year, and I have an unpublished fic about them and Stevie where I basically went "what if they interacted with one of my blorbos?" and didn't wait for an answer. Anyways, without further ado! My much longer than planned ficlet, beneath the cut

The clatter of pans in the background tugged Elizabeth’s attention away from the paper she was writing for what had to be the hundredth time, and she winced. Usually, this off the beaten track coffee shop was less busy at this time of day, leaving her in peace to finish her schoolwork.

But today, it was packed. Every table was full, and there was a long line stretching back from the counter. Things weren’t going to be getting any more peaceful any time soon.

Closing her laptop, she slid it into her bag. It was probably time to head back to her dorm room and see if she could get anything done there. The day had been enough of a loss already.

She grabbed her cup of coffee, which had long since gone cold, and moved to her feet. Elizabeth took one step towards the trash can— and immediately crashed into one of the other customers.

The coffee slipped from her hand, splashing across the front of the man’s shirt, and Elizabeth let out an involuntary gasp. “Oh my— I’m so sorry!”

Hastily, she grabbed some of the paper napkins from her table, apologizing as she did so. “I didn’t see you coming— it’s so crowded in here and loud and I was just leaving—”

“It’s okay,” the man assured her, offering her a smile as he accepted the napkins from her. Despite herself, Elizabeth found herself giving him a quick onceover. With dark hair and warm brown eyes that reflected his friendly smile, he was… definitely not unattractive. 

“It was my fault, anyways— I was distracted, wasn’t looking where I was going,” he continued apologetically. “The least I can do is buy you a new coffee.”

That made Elizabeth’s eyebrow shoot up. “I’m the one who dumped a drink all over you. If anything, I should be offering to buy your coffee.”

“Well, if you’re offering,” the man said with a half-grin. “But it’s not exactly good manners to tell someone to buy you a coffee. This gets the job done a lot better.”

Oh, so that’s what’s going on. Giving him a polite smile that, with any luck, communicated a polite disinterest, Elizabeth said, “I was actually just on my way out, I have some studying to do. I appreciate the offer, though.”

He accepted that with a nod. “Sure. You’re at UVA, too, right?”

“I am,” Elizabeth said, and the man smiled.

“Thought I recognized you. I’m Henry.”

“Elizabeth,” she said, casting a quick glance towards the door. Henry seemed to get the point.

“Maybe I’ll see you around, Elizabeth,” he said, giving her a final easy smile before joining the line for coffee. 

Despite her insistence that she had to leave, Elizabeth lingered just another second to watch him chat with the cashier, wearing that smile, warm as the sun. Interesting, she thought, and almost found herself hoping they did meet again.

However, it was unlikely— she had school to focus on, not a social life. And she wasn’t about to keep pining away for a boy she’d just met that day.

She headed for the door, and had almost made it to the door when she shot a last look over her shoulder. To her surprise, Henry met her eyes, and lifted his coffee towards her in a quick salute. Sending him a quick smile and a nod, Elizabeth pushed open the door. Focus, she scolded herself. She had work ahead of her that was bigger than some boy with a nice smile.

[rom-e-o]

Wolf staying over at the cottage one night and having to shower in the morning. All of the girls except Connie are out of the house, so Connie ends up showing Wolf how to do the turban thing with the towel to help dry his hair faster. It's their first, real in-laws-to-be bonding moment.😂

AWWWW! Okay, first of all, this is so, so cute! I can totally see it happening too, especially since this is the first time in his life Wolf has been allowed to grow his hair out to the rebellious length he likes. Taking care of it probably comes with a little bit of a learning curve.

I imagine he is in there in one of the shared bathrooms, towel-drying his hair ferociously, and just groaning. “Damn.”

He NOT about to fire up a blow-dryer this early, after all. It’s way too loud and disruptive. A gentlemen doesn’t like to be a burden in another’s home, after all.

Connie saunters by to make coffee in the morning and catches him. She notices he’s trying to dry his hair, and is just…tousling it over and over. Well, that won’t help, she thinks.

“Oh, if you have a sec, I can teach you a little trick!”

Of course, he’s not planning to rush out, and he can’t lie that he’s a little intrigued. So, there they are, Connie on the floor and Wolf on the edge of the bathtub, practicing towel turbans. It takes a few tries, but after a little troubleshooting and finessing, they get it.

“Bring your hair forward, flip back….twist, tuck, and…”

“Annnd…ha! Did it!”

“Wait…it’s staying, haha! Amazing!”

I imagine they do a double high-five, laughing victoriously, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS that Bess has been listening, her heart so full.

[firsttarotreader]

Paulino - Page of Pentacles

The next character in our series “Pedro’s Characters as Tarot Cards” is Paulino, from Sweet Little Lies. Paulino represents the Page of Pentacles.

Page of Pentacles is a card about ambition and diligence, being consistent, loyal and faithful. He will try hard to do his tasks and he is willing to learn new skills, but he might be a little ineffective. A person with this card’s energy is practical, dedicated to their work and the ability to apply practical solutions to their goals and also to their issues. They are thoughtful, focused on their goals, eager to learn and determined to reach their objectives. With a grounded and quieter nature, they have a strong sense of realism and knack for detail, and a propensity to a methodical approach. They are focused, determined and diligent, but also grounded and willing to learn and grow, even when they make mistakes or don’t initially manage to get their work done correctly.

Paulino is a young man who is the brother and guardian of an 8 year old kid named Waldo. Waldo has a 14 year old friend called Bess who has just lost her mother and decided to go on a search for her father in the place where she thinks he is, Las Vegas, even though she has never met him. She takes Waldo with her, and they steal Paulino’s car and money and burn his trailer house. Paulino then goes on a journey himself with a social worker to find his brother. All through the movie, he appears as someone very grounded and pragmatic, focused on finding his brother but not talking too much about it, analyzing the situation or being too emotional about it, he just goes and he has one goal, finding Waldo (Where’s Waldo? 😄). He urges the social worker to drive faster, he complains when they are unable to catch them, he gets worried about his car and what they are doing to it, he has no patience for the “singer” on their door, and he is not looking for excuses. He wants his brother back and he is working for it, with practical solutions but also making mistakes down the line. Paulino finds his brother and makes sure he knows he loves him and he cares for him. He is dedicated to his “task” and it’s all he thinks about, while also learning more about an older and a younger brothers’ relationship. For these reasons, Paulino is our Page of Pentacles.

[quill-pen]

~Bess' recurring dream since childhood~

This is going to pan out in several different posts, as the dream changes as Bess grows older and I map out and navigate those changes. Probably bonus comfort fluff at the end from both George and Ebenezer, because Bess still suffers this nightmare as an adult. (Though the regularity does lessen drastically over time, thanks to Eb and the life Bess has found with him in London.)

Warnings: It's a nightmare involving loneliness, depression, fear, abandonment, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, maybe some physical abuse. It's not pretty.

Theme:

How it originally started (and always starts):

Bess is in her favorite summer dress, the pretty, cotton, purple gingham one that Maud had made her. It's a bit too big, as the lady's maid had made it a size or two oversized so that she might wear it longer, but Bess doesn't care. It's soft, it's cool, it's purple, and with the way it billows around her as she runs, the little girl feels like she's flying.

She's running towards a group of children skipping around in a circle, singing and laughing. Bess can't wait to join them; she loves to skip, and she's very good at it. As she approaches the circle, it opens up for her and two children reach out on either side of her, pulling her into the fold. They lock hands and go skipping and giggling as they continue to chant: "All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel!"

Bess has never felt happier and she laughs out her joy. She's having fun; these children actually like her! They're not side-eyeing her and making snide remarks. They're not making fun of her or pushing her around or pulling her hair. They're not calling her nasty names or gossiping about her loud enough for her to overhear. They're just playing with her, including her, being nice. It feels so wonderful!

Without warning the sunny, cloudless sky above disappears in a brilliant flash of lightning and thunder peels out. When the sky returns, it is shrouded in dark, frightful storm clouds. A hurricane wind rips through, out of nowhere, and the children scream and cry as they scatter. They run in all opposite directions, leaving Bess alone.

Bess watches after them forlornly. She wants to call out to them and ask them to come back, despite the storm: As she opens her mouth to shout, a deafening noise so loud she can't even hear herself think rumbles across the grassy plain. Bess spins around to see a twister, dark, wide as a house, ripping up the earth as it speeds across it. Terrifying. Bess is frozen with horror.

Lightning flashes again, but this time, rather than thunder, there's a voice. A barking, biting, cruel voice; her mother's. "What makes you think those nice little boys and girls want to play with you?" the voice echoes out. "You're nothing but trouble--a rotten girl, bad, corrupting. You bring bad things everywhere you go!"

Bess feels tears in her eyes, on her cheeks. No! she wants to scream back. No, I'm not! I'm not bad--I'm good! I'm nice! "I just want friends!" she finally manages to voice.

"Nobody wants to be friends with you, stupid girl!"

The twister is closer, almost on top of her, and yet Bess remains frozen. She knows she should run--it's her one chance to save herself--but she literally cannot move! Not even a finger. The little girl opens her mouth to cry out for help, but no sound can be heard. And the next thing Bess knows, she's swallowed up by the spout and lifted into the sky, her mother's voice still howling around her about what a bad girl she is. Bess can only curl into a little ball to cry, her wails drowned out by the storm.

Taglist: @rom-e-o @oldmanlusting @the-house-of-auditore-frye @themostanonymousscribbler @christmasgaybusinessmen @purgratoriat @crimson-phantom-designs @beascrooge @darkflamingfire @vixx-ari @orangewierdo @nightmareg420 @sukiderola @simp2537 @witchypandamonium @amaya501st @b4bynikii @sparklesphobia @tenodai @girlbosseveyhammond @neonshoe

[naancypants]

After reading Julia's fabulous Honest Drew Crew Endings post, I literally can't stop thinking about it. It's the way that their endings were not only empty shells without any real significance tailored to their characters, but were in fact EXACT CONTRADICTIONS to the growth arcs that were set up for them in the first place.

Nancy Drew themes: Self-acceptance. The lynchpin to Nancy's development has always been about overcoming her demons, accepting shortcomings, and learning that she is not inherently a bad person and is in fact worthy of love and good things.

Nancy Drew ending: Her soul is intrinsically linked to a horrendous murderer and oppressor of the town, something that shakes her so violently she has to leave Horseshoe Bay to find any sort of peace; the town where she recently decided to put down roots, to "grow where she's been planted".

Ace Hardy themes: Finding family. As a loner, Ace always longed for a community where he felt he truly belonged, which he canonically found with the Drew Crew. These friendships fueled his drive, self-esteem, and gave him purpose.

Ace Hardy ending: His friends are all too caught up in their own lives to spend time with him anymore, so he dives headfirst into an isolating career in medical examination that drives him even further away from everyone. Oh, but also, they're all splitting apart anyway so who cares.

George Fan themes: Breaking the cycle. An absent father and deadbeat mother forced George to work hard to provide for her sisters, which also closed her off from forming deep emotional connections for many years.

George Fan ending: George leaves her young sisters behind to pursue an exhaustive, difficult career path on a whim. She ends the series in a new surface-level relationship rather than one that helped her open up and be vulnerable.

Bess Turani-Marvin themes: Creating a happy life. Bess arrived in Horseshoe Bay to connect with family and escape from an empty, traumatizing life on the run. She seeks joy and stability; somewhere she can finally call home.

Bess Turani-Marvin ending: Bess randomly loses her room at the Drew home (?), her entire found family leaves her after less than a year together, oh yeah and her fucking HOUSE BURNS DOWN.

Ned Nickerson themes: Building community. He wants to improve things in his new town, now that he's proclaimed he's finally found where he belongs after a troubled adolescence.

Ned Nickerson ending: Nick's several attempts to make a difference (buying The Claw, starting a youth center, running for council) all go nowhere. His efforts are a flop. He essentially gives up and takes a job with Tom Swift instead (career choice is consistent for him, at least).

Absolute insanity.

[dreamwritesimagines]

It’s CMA-

I cannot get over the sand on the letter thing. I know I mentioned it before but it’s such an amazing detail, honestly one of my favorite extra things I’ve noticed in your works

I feel like clover gets very overwhelmed by being the center of attention. Maybe I’m projecting, but when you grow up with abusive parents, receiving any sort of attention is a really bad thing; it always means something bad is going to happen. Besides the usual overstimulating nature of being the center of attention (anxiety at making a mistake, embarrassment, etc.), I could see her really having a tough time when more than one or two people are focused on her.

How long did it take clover to start gardening at her aunt and uncle’s house? Did she grow up knowing them? When did she start feeling safe with them? Did they have to work to win her over?

Wait Josie never lived with them, did she? Can we get a rough timeline of when clover left to live with her family, when Josie left, and up to her debut? And teddy is what, six?

I do wonder if teddy had residual trauma at all. I think that having a secure base definitely sets him up for success but I wonder if clover was the only one who raised him really because that would make her his secure base, and I wonder if now he has more of a collective secure base with the aunt and uncle as well, since clover won’t be around as much and that would be really hard for him.

I also wonder because a lot of parents who are easily set off, which we know clover’s were, are easily set off by a baby. It’s the entire reason why shaken baby syndrome is a thing (it can actually occur in young children as well)- they’re physically (not to mention emotionally and mentally) more fragile, and more needy and unable to fully communicate the way an adult does, so I wonder if teddy was ever in the firing line or if clover and Josie always stepped in.

I also wonder if they’ll tell teddy about the way their parents were, and if he’ll feel any (wrongly placed) guilt over it. A lot of children who see their mother’s be abused from a young age often feel a misplaced guilt for not stepping in, even though that isn’t their job as the child and they shouldn’t be the one protecting their parent.

(ugh not me wanting to do an entire breakdown on teddy’s psych too. I’d probably add Josie in for good measure LMAO)

Also speaking of Josie, she had to deal with everything the longest, had no one to take care of her, had to protect two younger siblings, and had to hide her sexuality on top of it all. No wonder she’s so mean/protective/defensive……

I wonder if her husband knows about her trauma/past, and if Bess and Ben will bond over their caring for the two of them. They could also swap tips over how to like, get Josie and clover to open up or whatever.

How long after the time her garden was ripped up did it take for clover to go back to gardening? Where was this in the timeline (after she moved in with her aunt and uncle? Started again secretly at her home?)

Why did her aunt and uncle wait so long to adopt them? What changed their minds?

I love that we see her go from being composed and biting with Benedict in the beginning to an absolute mess in later chapters

Wait so if Ben was caught coming back quite disheveled, will Ben and clover be caught coming back that way??? Or that he comes back disheveled with a mystery woman or something??? I want to know if word of them attending parties will get out at all!!

And then everyone will be questioning clover over what she’s been doing at night with him, going out and doing it. The speculation would be fucking wild…… plus if she slips that it’s a party to like Charlie or someone, they’ll want to go and it’d be chaos!!

Will we see clover visiting lady danbury’s garden/has she gone back?

In chapter 4, when he says that he hasn’t been able to paint for months but finally can, and then we see him painting in pretty much every chapter we have of their lives together I just-

Omg in chapter five she mentions that daphne and Simon make perfect sense lmao. Cupid before we even realized, plus he clocking whenever Penelope and Colin interact, even if she doesn’t realize it’s significance (hence her pushing him towards marina)

Lmao in chapter five before they visit she says that she will only stay in their drawing room and she ends up in his art room so she technically did only stay in the drawing room(s) lmao. Sorry I love a good pun and idk if that was intentional but it’s great and I’m bummed I missed it the first few times I read the chapter

So when clover left her parents, I’m assuming her garden (or what was left of it) was either ripped apart or fell to neglect. This is such an interesting parallel with Benedict’s art room remaining in the bridgerton home. Besides the fact that their financial status allows them to leave the room untouched, it really says so much about their families through this action.

I feel like the bridgertons didn’t even really consider getting rid of Ben’s art room, not in the least because they wanted him to know that he always has a place with them, that he will always have a home and family to go back to, and that they respect him, his art, and his space. It’s a sign of love, respect, caring, and so much more.

Meanwhile, clover’s space was completely violated, I’m willing to bet repeatedly. They had no reverence for the things she held dear, even going out of their way to intentionally ruin them. Her parents showed their anger towards their children through their violation of not only the children themselves, but also their space, privacy, and everything they hold dear.

Anyway, I just thought that was neat.

The way that in chapter five he completely takes the blame for what happens even though she’s at fault. Like even before they’re together he’s protecting her from everything, including, or maybe especially, herself. I don’t think he even knows about the guilt and self loathing she harbors at this point, but his first instinct was to shield her nonetheless. He’s immediately understanding and selfless in this moment (and throughout the series).

I also like that he seems to know when to banter and when to be understanding. He switches between them so easily and lets clover feel comfortable doing either one with him, without her even noticing that she’s slipping in and out of vulnerability with him. He doesn’t push, just observes and lets her go at her own pace.

And despite her pushing and pulling at him, he remains constant. He lets her control the tides of her own emotions. Or maybe she’s the moon and he’s the tide, willingly submitting to her every movement, allowing her to get close and to back away and matching her every step of the way. When she comes close to him, he reaches as high as he can to meet her and when she needs her space, he calms and lets her come to him on her own terms.

(okay I like this analogy a lot more than the sun/moon one lol)

I think I’ve already said this but im going to say it again: if Ben could play clover any song, I feel like he would play her rainbow by kasey musgraves. If I could send clover a song/message, this would be it. Like every single lyric I am just shouting at her (except it’s not that kind of song lmao)

Charlie corrects clover from calling her Charlotte in chapter 5 and I love that we’ve now made it so that Anthony is the only one who can call her that/that that was established because now rereading I can squeal over that detail even more lmao.

I wonder if clover will change her mind after she realizes she loves Ben about true love marriages in the ton being rare. In an au I wonder if she and Ben will have the cherie/Anthony bet about the number of love matches in the ton. I can’t see her ever conceding on that point though, but maybe that’s just me.

Also I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner, but this story has huge 10 things I hate about you vibes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if clover did the same thing where she listed all the things she “hates” about Ben and almost how she hates that she loves him because it feels like such a betrayal of who she is.

I also can’t believe I didn’t realize that there’s something very ironic with clover being in love with flowers whose meanings she knows, but also how she doesn’t believe in expressing emotions or art or whatever, not realizing that using flowers to convey meanings is in itself an art form and way of expression emotions. I also wonder if she’ll realize that she is actually quite expressive in a non-verbal way, especially in all the ways that she says I love you.

Also it makes so much sense that benedict would be the one to realize how much she says without saying anything because he’s an artist. He’s used to studying things that can’t talk back, to observing without intruding, to seeing what things and people are saying without saying anything at all. After all his paintings cannot speak, so he has had to learn how to convey emotions and meaning through paint and expressions and body language and colors, and he has to consider how his audience will react to these things as well, so he’s used to trying to see things from another point of view.

Like the ton is full of people who lie and say things they don’t mean, but even so, many of them aren’t adept at poking through the bullshit, at seeing expression beyond the surface, at understanding people beyond their outfits and pleasantries. They’re so focused on these very flashy ways of communicating their presence and emotions that they forget that there are so many other ways to express oneself. I mean look at their obsession with lady whistledown; they are obsessed with words and taking words at face value.

The only person who’s grown up in the ton and really able to ignore all that is someone who’s had to train themselves to do it, and then clover who wasn’t trained to see or show the bullshit in the first place.

Sorry sorry I’ve probably said this all before. It’s one in the morning and I’m tired lmao

Okay I’m going to send this and then go to bed cuz I need to stop staying up late and waking up at noon lolololol. I’ll finish the story tmr; love u lots <3

OMG OMG DARLIIIIING!

Aaaaaaa I’m so excited! 😍

Aw I’m so happy to hear that! Sand on the letter thing actually surprised me and I didn’t think anyone would notice that! ❤️

I think you’re absolutely right! She does get overwhelmed by being the center of attention and she actually hates it ❤️ I haven’t thought about the reason until you said it but it makes perfect sense yes! It suits her background and the way she was raised, attention meant trouble in a household that she always tried to fly under the radar! 😱

That would also explain why she doesn’t want anyone else -but Benedict- to paint her, it means getting more attention❤️

I feel like it took at least a year or more for her to start gardening and by extension to trust them❤️ She didn’t grow up knowing them because her father and her uncle kind of hate each other so they probably saw them like once or twice their whole lives❤️

Josie never lived with them nope💔 The timeline I have in mind is that Josie eloped around 3 years ago but she wrote her uncle a letter and explained how bad their living conditions were in their family’s house so there was a small time period -like a month or two- between Josie leaving and Clover and Teddy moving to their uncle’s house❤️ Teddy is six now so he was like three years old when they did, that’s why he mostly sees his uncle and aunt -and especially Clover- as parental figures instead of his actual parents ❤️

I actually wasn’t aware that psychological trauma could start from such early ages until you told me recently so I feel like Teddy might have it! Like, it’s very different than Clover or Josie’s but…💔

I had no idea about shaken baby syndrome oh my God?! That’s terrible! 💔💔

I think Teddy was in the firing line for sure but Josie and Clover always stepped in, trying to protect him as much as they could😭 But I don’t think Teddy will ever know just how bad it was for them, they won’t tell him💔

Ooooh Josie💔 I think Josie actually got the worst of it, like, she is the oldest and she had no one to protect her, and considering their family… Like, yes Clover is traumatized but Josie’s situation was much worse than hers because she always stepped in whenever Clover was directed that anger by their parents even when they were little💔

I think Andrew knows up to a point about their home life but Bess knows it much better than him❤️

It probably took Clover a long time to go back to gardening and she made sure to do it much further from home the next time, kind of like hiding it from them 😭

Her aunt and uncle had no idea how bad things were at home! That’s why they didn’t adopt them, because like, her uncle and father were on bad terms so they weren’t around each other😁

Oh Benedict was caught coming back quite disheveled because he was getting busy during those parties😏 So I doubt Clover will look as disheveled, unless…😈😏

She should visit Lady Danbury’s garden!

In chapter 4, when he says that he hasn’t been able to paint for months but finally can, and then we see him painting in pretty much every chapter we have of their lives together I just-

THIS! THIIIIS! 😍

Benedict has had no problems with painting since they got together😏

Cherie was so actively matchmaking all the time, Clover is like…she is matchmaking but she’s not even aware of it really 😂

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THE DRAWING ROOM PUN OMG?!😂

So when clover left her parents, I’m assuming her garden (or what was left of it) was either ripped apart or fell to neglect. This is such an interesting parallel with Benedict’s art room remaining in the bridgerton home. Besides the fact that their financial status allows them to leave the room untouched, it really says so much about their families through this action.

OMG OMG-

This is so true! It does show the absolute contrast between their families yes! ❤️ Like you said, while Bridgertons didn’t even consider getting rid of it, Clover’s space was violated when she was there and was left to rot when she left 💔Her family didn’t really respect or love her, unlike Benedict’s family❤️

Benedict’s first instinct is always protecting her and it is so sweeeeet🥰

I think that’s one of the reasons why Clover -despite herself- wanted to spend time with him a lot after a point❤️ They have this effortless dynamic which makes her feel at ease without pushing her ❤️

And despite her pushing and pulling at him, he remains constant. He lets her control the tides of her own emotions. Or maybe she’s the moon and he’s the tide, willingly submitting to her every movement, allowing her to get close and to back away and matching her every step of the way. When she comes close to him, he reaches as high as he can to meet her and when she needs her space, he calms and lets her come to him on her own terms.

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS ANALOGY ARE YOU KIDDING ME-

Can I use this in the fic? This is the perfect analogy for their love story and dynamic, you’re a genius! 😍❤️❤️

That’s such a nice song! ❤️

Making Charlotte and Anthony in love was such a good idea, I hadn’t even considered that until you guys told me! 🥰❤️

Lolll Cherie and Anthony’s bet 😂 Ben and Clover could totally have that bet as well! 😂

I do think it will change her mind but not completely! Like, she will probably consider herself as one of the lucky few ❤️

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU IS ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVE MOVIES😍

Omg that is such a good point about her being expressive in a different way yes! ❤️ The fact that Benedict is an artist plays a huge part in it because he is very observant and he can read through her, even the smallest gestures or expressions ❤️

The only person who’s grown up in the ton and really able to ignore all that is someone who’s had to train themselves to do it, and then clover who wasn’t trained to see or show the bullshit in the first place.  

I think that’s also one of the reasons why Benedict instantly fell in love with her, compared to the rest of the ton aka his social circle, she is both simple and complex for him ❤️ She is simple because she’s not trained in the ton’s ways, she is not trying to come across as perfect or even slightly pleasant 😂 And she’s more complex in the way of her emotions and her emotional walls and such❤️

DARLING-

Never ever apologize for this, you’ve made my day with this! ❤️😍 ILYSM, this is amaziiiiing! 🥰😍 I'm smiling at the screen right now!❤️❤️❤️

[jicklet]

The amount of growth they all went through is just... beautiful.

Nancy in a role that didn't fit, with friends who weren't going to stick by her as soon as things got difficult. (and she IS difficult. Both her life and just who she is as a person). From thinking working at the Claw was a sign of failure, to it becoming the place where she met her soulmates who would stick by her no matter what.

Nick so lost; hiding his past and running from it because he was ashamed. In a FWB situation with someone who didn't want to get to know him. To becoming someone people would listen to, who gets things done and creates things that matter. Now with four anchors who will always want him to come back.

George, who had everything to prove to everyone. Managing The Claw was her one point of power as she tried to take care of her entire family. Now she's done it, she's proven herself. Everything she fought through got acknowledged; her family is secure and she's prioritizing herself. (and when it's too hard for her to turn off the lights on this place that was her whole life. Nancy goes Hey. you don't have to be strong just now. let me take this one for you).

Ace, so so apathetic and purposeless. Leaning into being underestimated and not always considering or caring how his actions affected other people. Loving Nancy from afar but just assuming he'd never be good enough for her, so not bothering to try. Making a show of chasing after another girl who was blatantly not into him. To a guy who is no longer just drifting or running away, but looking the future in the eye and actively working towards discovering the man he can be.

Bess putting on a performance; hiding every aspect of herself that doesn't fit with the perfect future she's envisioning. To being secure in who she is with things she cares about enough to fight for even when it was something so many people looked down on. When the Marvins looked down on Lisbeth, Bess tried to hide her. When she found out about Addy's family's past she fought for what they cared about.

And Carson. The most dad to ever dad. Nancy has always been his world, but his relationship with her was so broken and he didn't know what to do. Dealing with Kate's death and the fact that she left him alone to carry the guilt and weight of this enormous secret. To his relationship with Nancy the strongest it's ever been, no more secrets in either direction; she's learned to share with him now too. To her not only acknowledging everything he did but giving her approval for him to try again.

And Ryan. What can one even say about Ryan Hudson. Just an absolute useless slimeball of a guy. The one person who ever looked at him like he was worth something died for it, so he didn't bother caring anymore, which left him causing a lot of hurt. All while taking zero responsibility, getting anyone else to fix his problems for him. When his family cut him off, he was helpless. To finally standing on his own two feet, having found not only a job he can take pride in himself for being good at, but a family that relies on him, and he doesn't take that for granted. They inspire him to do better, and he's actively trying every day.

Each one of these characters started off so alone and hiding their true selves, and ended as a family that loves and supports each other as they grow. Giving them all a place to call home, even when they wander.

First and Last Appearances of the Drew Crew + Nancy's dads

Nancy Drew (2019-2023)

[quixotic-writer]

Sugar Daddy

request: anon

summary: When you first met Q, you had virtually no clue who he was. After a few more pricey dates, he revealed his occupation. Showering you with gifts was his love language, you weren’t about to complain!

warning: smut ahead!

——————————————————————————

The alarm on my phone goes off as it vibrates on my bedside table. My face was mushed into the pillow that my head was resting on, I started coming to and realizing that if I hit snooze once, it would start a cycle until noon and I would be even grumpier and sluggish. I take a deep breath in and grab my phone to turn the alarm off. As I rub my eyes and sit up, I see a text notification and my heart immediately kickstarts. It was from Bri.

B Bear: Hey baby <3 Got work today?

I smile from ear to ear as I see the message. We had been dating for a while now and I was hopelessly in love with him. He was honestly perfect to me in every way. He had a sweet and loving personality, he was super funny and always had this way of making me laugh, he was geeky in the cutest way and loved showing me all his collectibles and telling me all about them, and he was protective and super caring.

The way he shows his love to me is what melts my heart the most. His protective nature got the best of him at a bar we went to together and he ended up throwing his drink in the face of a guy that wouldn’t leave me alone. We got escorted out of the bar and he kept saying sorry that he wasn’t there sooner. Any day I'm sad or in a bit of a mood, he always goes out of his way to make me laugh or smile until I forget what I was even mad about in the first place. Lastly, he constantly showers me with gifts.

Me: Good morning! No work today. Have the day off

I texted him back with a smile as I watched the little thought bubble pop up until his next message came through.

B Bear: Dinner tonight then? Murr has been pestering me endlessly about this restaurant he and Melyssa had gone to and I think it’s about time I see what the fuss is all about

Me: Sounds good!

Just then a notification came in. Brian had sent me money, and it was not at all a small amount.

B Bear: Buy yourself a new dress for tonight then princess. It’s a little more formal wear.

B Bear: I’ll pick you up at 7. Love you

Now, when I first started dating Brian, I had no clue he was on TV or any bit famous at all. When he started treating me to more extravagant gifts and dates, that’s when I asked and he revealed all to me. I felt bad and was always trying to pay for things so he didn’t think I was using him for his money, but he always insisted on paying.

“Princess, we’ve been together for how long? I know you wouldn’t use me. Let me do this for you.” He would always say. After a while, I gave up the fight and just allowed him to treat me. Soon enough I grew a collection of gorgeous jewelry, a whole new wardrobe basically filled with a variety of name brand outfits, and if I so much as mention something I own being broken he is quick to hop on it and pay to have it fixed. At this point, I really do think he is my sugar daddy, and he wasn’t at all opposed to that label. He quite liked it.

Me: You spoil me too much. I’ll see you at 7 then B <3

I throw the covers off of me and make my way to the kitchen to fix myself a bowl of cereal before I get started on my day. What a way to wake up honestly, but I was not at all complaining. I finished up breakfast and got myself cleaned up, gathered up all my things in my purse, and was out the door and headed to the mall to go and treat myself. I often worried that maybe my closet was getting a little too full, I just couldn’t bear to part with any of my outfits. The way Brian made me feel when I wore each one of them made me feel so attached to them too, even if his way of saying I looked good in it was by having it end up on his bedroom floor.

I walked through the mall, doing a little bit of window shopping at first, scoping out the scene and feeling out what I might indulge myself in today as far as fashion went. Sundresses had caught my eye, especially one that was in the window and on display; Flowing, knee length, and white. I passed it by but made sure to take a mental picture of it. As much as I adored having a sort of allowance from Bri, I wasn’t about to abuse it. Besides, that would have been yet another thing I would have to make some kind of room for in my already overstuffed closet.

‘Maybe I could bother him for a bigger closet renovation,’ I joked to myself with a smile. I continue walking through and I see it from a distance: the lingerie store. I subtly bit my lip and was then in a mental tug of war of ‘should I?’ or ‘should I not?’ But as I got closer, the temptation took over and I found myself perusing through their cutest pieces that caught my eye. The least I could do to pay Bri back for the fancy evening, would be to give him a little bit of eye candy and a good time after the meal. Black lace, gorgeous ivory teddies, sensual cherry red garter belts, it was all so nice. After finding a few cute sets, I placed them on hold because I still had a main mission in mind that I came to the mall for in the first place.

I found the perfect dress: A wine red halter top dress. It had a gorgeous waist that hugged a little at my own to give my body some definition and gorgeously flowed down to my knees. I already knew I had the perfect pair of stilettos to go with this to truly complete this boss bitch look I had going. When I returned to the lingerie store, I already knew which set was going to be mine: black lace strapless top with matching high waist garter belt and panties to complete it all.

Me: [img attch.] picked out a cute little something, can’t wait to see you daddy ;P

I had sent him a picture of my dress, nothing more just to keep an element of surprise for the evening. I wasn’t long before I got a response,

B Bear: You look so gorgeous baby

B Bear: Can’t believe someone so beautiful is all mine

Even through text he could get me to blush.

The rest of my day was spent relaxing, catching up on some reading that I had put off for so long, catching up on a few episodes of a series Bess had gotten me sucked into, and just like that, time flew quickly. I was getting myself all dolled up for dinner, butterflies in my stomach because of the excitement I felt and giddy because I had felt so pretty tonight. It wasn’t often where my confidence and self-esteem would sky rocket like this, so I took it in and embraced as much of that energy as I could.

I heard his little knock at the door, the same rhythm as always so I knew it was him. When I swung open the door, he stood there with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. He cleaned up super well as always.

“You. Look. Incredible.” He scooped me into his arms and littered my face with kisses and I giggled as his stubble tickled the skin on my face. When I stopped him, I connected our lips together, “Shall we get rolling then princess?” I nodded and we walked down to his car.

The restaurant was gorgeous to say the least. Dim golden lighting, waiters wearing tuxes, glimmering chandeliers dangling from the ceiling to illuminate the tables. Even the air felt expensive. I tensed while we were sitting at our table and looking through the menu, even though he’s taken me to countless luxurious locations, I still felt this sense of guilt for being there and almost an obligation to monetarily repay him somehow someway. I guess he could sense my tension because his hand had found its way to my wrist, his thumb stroking my skin gently and his eyes spoke volumes.

‘It’s okay.’ was all I could see in them. He never had to say a word and I felt my muscles relax again as we carried out with our meal.

Dinner was more perfect than I could ever imagine. Perhaps I had an untrained palette, but everything felt like an explosion of intense rhythmic flavor in my mouth. I savored each and every bite. I felt more relaxed as the meal went on, especially as Brian and I talked throughout the meal, we would occasionally break the snooty facade to share a laugh at something absolutely crude that would pop into our heads. I swear, because of how loud we were getting, I almost thought we were going to get kicked out… Which made us laugh even harder and get that much closer to that being a reality as other tables would shoot us a nasty high-class glare.

Our meal was settled away as once again Brian got a hold of the check. And once again I didn’t bother fighting and allowed him to treat me knowing in my head that I had much bigger plans for him once we got behind closed doors and had no one around but each other.

The car ride to his place was spent laughing at how disgusted people looked with our behavior.

“Nothing but sticks up their asses!” He said with his accent coming through thickly.

His hand was on my thigh the whole way there. He would snatch occasional glances of me at red lights or when traffic was pretty clear. The rough warmth of his palm was enough to start an inferno on my skin and cause me to bite my lip and shift in my seat.

We got to his place, he took my hand, and led me through the space that has grown so familiar to me.

“As much as I love that dress on you, I want it off as soon as possible.” He whispered in my ear as we made our way through the front door. His lips attached itself to whatever flesh was within reach which made me grow wetter by the second. His hands traced about my body, refamiliarizing himself with each curve, dip, and fold he craved. His hands were never rough, they smoothed over my body carefully, almost as if I was fragile, something delicate, it made me feel protected.

As we were in the bedroom, he was quick to undo the zipper to my dress and allow it to pool at my feet. The way his eyes lit up at what was now revealed to be hidden beneath my dress was a look that always drove me crazy.

“Did a little extra shopping today with the extra money, daddy.” I said as I pushed him to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, eyes full of hunger and awe.

“I need to give you more money for lingerie. You look so fucking hot.” I straddled his lap, mouths attached and moving with heated passion. His coat fell away as I began tugging at his tie and the buttons on his dress shirt. I could still taste remnants of dinner on his tongue, delectable, indulgent, and I savored it all. My mouth began to move; jawline, neck, chest, stomach. I could smell where he sprayed his cologne, and I stayed where the scent was the strongest, drunk on his scent as my desire for him grew heavier with each breath. His hands held me closer to his bare skin as he let a low hum verberate within his chest. I fell away down between his legs onto my knees. He watches carefully, already out of breath and straining in his pants. I carefully remove his belt, take the zipper down with my teeth, and shed away another layer of clothes. I rub my hand over the cloth of his boxers where his straining erection was prominent, I felt him twitch at my touch and groan.

“Let me pay you back for dinner. How does that sound?” Just like a leaf in fall, the final clothing item was shed away, leaving Brian bare before me. He sat there, arms behind him pushed into the comforter of the bed for support as he eagerly anticipated my next moves, hoping it would be one that would satisfy the lustful desire he had coursing through him.

I kiss at his thighs, leaving a few love marks to show that despite being his, he was also mine. My head and hands find their way below, down to his balls where I carefully massaged them and sucked at the sensitive skin. The groans and moans that Brian was making was enough to tell me that he was enjoying himself. I began moving myself up again, kissing up along his shaft, tracing along veins with a pointed tongue and feeling him pulse beneath me as my hands ran along his thighs that would occasionally tense when I hit just the right spot. When I reached the head, I could see the pre-cum seeping out. I gave his cock a nice pump that sent more spilling out and I was quick to lick it all up.

“Baby, no more teasing. Please.” He begged brushing my hair carefully out of the way. I looked up at him with an innocent sparkle in my eyes,

“But I know you love how it feels daddy.” With a sharp inhale and his lip caught between his teeth, I finally took the first few inches of his cock into my mouth, pulling away while sucking, only to have it pop out of my mouth. I looked up at him and he was gasping for breath and his legs were trembling. I swirled my tongue around the tip of his cock before once more taking him into my mouth, only to repeat this cycle. I just adored hearing his whines, seeing the veins in his arms pop as he gripped the sheets into a tight fist, feeling his thighs tense and squeeze slightly together anytime a shockwave of pleasure was sent through his body.

I decided he endured enough and began carefully taking more and more of him into my mouth, head bobbing in steady rhythm. “Feels… So fucking good.” He breathed out as one of his hands made its way to the back of my head. He never pushed me further than I could go, or at all. His hand just rested on my head as though he was feeling the rhythm and pace of my head bobbing. The taste of pre-cum began getting more and more consistent, the way his legs began to tremble, “Princess, so close.” I could have came myself hearing his throat raw with desperation as he said those three words. I doubled down and took him all in. His cock hit the back of my throat and the tip of my nose hit his naval until his thighs came together and he was spilling down my throat.

My eyes were watering and my nose slightly runny, but it was always rewarding to see him so pleasured all because of me. He pulled me up and his lips were once more attached to my skin, littering the delicate flesh where my neck and my shoulder met with love bites of varying hues.

“Mine,” He would grunt whenever his lips would depart from my skin and then go right back.

He laid me delicately on my back and I felt his cock – still rock hard – resting against my thigh as he kissed my forehead, “Love you,” he says before kissing my lips, “so perfect,” his fingers pushed the panties I wore aside, not even bothering to remove them which honestly made it all so much hotter, “my princess.” He slid into me easily, filling me whole as my eyes rolled back at the sensation, lips parted as humid breath left my lungs.

“Daddy.” I couldn’t let out anymore as my nerves all stood on end as he began to rock his hips steadily into mine.

“You feel so good around my cock. Something so perfect is all mine.” I wrapped my legs around him, beckoning him closer and deeper. The way his cock curved hit all my sensitive spots and it wasn’t long before I was seeing stars, the noises that wanted so badly to break free past my lips but fell stuck within my throat as I was blissed out in pleasure. My muscles tightened around his cock as I experienced pure euphoria, “god you feel even better when you cum all over my cock sweetheart.” his hips continued working and I felt overstimulated, but I absolutely loved it. “Came that hard and I didn’t even have to touch your clit.”

As my body rocked, but boobs started spilling out of the strapless bra. Brian took notice and was quick to crane his neck down and lick around my hardened nipple. He licked, sucked, and lightly bit around the sensitive buds which only added to the extreme pleasure I was experiencing as my body started building up to another orgasm. I held his head in close with a desire to be as close to him as physically possible, aching to feel every inch of his skin, wanting nothing more but for him to feel exactly what I feel: Lustful love.

His hips started working faster and faster and his rhythm was slowly losing any trace of precise tempo. His hand slipped between us, fingers working at my clit and sending me over the edge once again with a cry.

“Princess… Gonna cum again. Where?” He couldn’t even get a full sentence out as he grit his teeth and words were quickly replaced with grunts.

“Cum daddy. Just do it. Wanna make you feel good!” I said as his head was buried in my shoulder, my arms wrapped around his neck bracing for his inevitable climax. With a few more harsh thrusts, he was buried deep within me as I felt warm spurts filling me, my legs holding us close together, intertwined as we pant and catch our breaths.

“I love you so much baby. I love you.” He said with a final kiss and our foreheads pressed together.

Once he had come down from his high, he went and grabbed a towel for me and helped clean me up.

“Thank you for tonight.” I said softly as he held me close in his arms.

“Anything for you princess. You deserve the world.” He kissed the top of my head and brushed my hair out of my face. “You have amazing taste in lingerie also.”

[the-other-art-blog]

Amy and Laurie’s pet names

😏 Can we just appreciate Amy and Laurie’s pet names for each other??? I love them. They’re so loving, playful and flirty!

Be ready for an unexpectedly long post.

My Lord and my Lady

Only a couple like Amy and Laurie would call each other this way. Amy is sometimes called “my lady” or “her ladyship” by her sisters but they usually do it to poke her. It’s fine, that’s what sisters are for but I just love that Laurie keeps calling her like that as an endearment. It means he accepts that part of her identity... because he also shares it.

For a while, I have said that Laurie is Amy’s knight in shiny armor. It doesn’t mean she is a damsel in distress but think about it. Whenever Amy needs someone, Laurie is there. She falls into the ice, Laurie rescues her; she’s lonely at Aunt March’s house, he visits her every day; she gets the flower table, he supplies the flowers and brings his friends to buy; she’s worried about her family, he promises to go and console her if anything happens, and he does! Laurie is there whenever she needs him. And he does it happily. I think he likes to be needed, he likes to be the one at the rescue.

These two live in a medieval fantasy. Laurie calls her daughter “little princess” and his horse is named “prince Charlie”! So, you have the Lady and the Lord of the castle, the princess and the horse. 🥰 Perfect. Honestly, I have a headcanon that Bess helped him name it, but Laurie could have done it by himself. In any case, it’s so on-character.

I think or I want to believe something like this is where Timothee was going when he was asked about why Amy and Laurie are a great couple. But it is wrong because the movie only has Amy calling him My Lord.

Madame Récamier & Impertinence

That’s about it, isn’t it, Madame Récamier?’ asked Laurie with a quizzical look at Amy. ‘Time will show. Come away, Impertinence, and don’t shock my family by calling me names before their faces,’

Madame Récamier was a very famous lady during the revolutionary times in France. She was a rich lady who became quite famous for hosting reunions in her salon. Her circle included intellectuals, politicians, artists, la crème de la crème de Paris. So that’s what Laurie was referring to. Previously he was talking about how they plan to good society at their house.

But there’s something else 😏 .

So, back in the 19th century couples wouldn’t be as affectionate towards each other in public. Not even the married ones. They will always be very prudent. And a proper lady like Amy would follow the rules of society regarding this. She’s a true gentlewoman, a wife and a member of Concord’s high society now. Even more, Madame Récamier was a beautiful woman trapped in a very unsatisfying marriage and most probably had multiple affairs. Most importantly for this discussion, she posed for David and Francoise Gérard in very seductive positions and clothes! And I think this is why she calls him Impertinence.

I mean, if this is how Laurie thinks of Amy... 😏 People don’t need to know this, least of all her family, her father! 😆

Mrs. Curtis

This one appears in Chapter Uncle Teddy from Little Men. It’s actually the second time it appears, I think, the first one being when Marmee was in Washington taking care of her husband. Since LW, Amy is the only one who uses her middle name, though the other sisters must have one too. I wonder why Louisa only pointed out hers. Maybe it was to show how grown up and formal Amy wanted to appear when she signed “Amy Curtis March!, even though her letter is full of mistakes.

I think it’s hilarious that Laurie uses it. I mean, no one calls her like that. But it makes me happy that he does cause Amy and Laurie are a very presentable, fashionable, prestigious couple, but it’s nice to think that they also have fun in their private time. I love them.

Raphaella

Technically everyone calls her like that, but it’s still nice 😊 cause Laurie uses it at a moment where Amy had given up her artistic dreams and planned to marry Fred. So calling her Raphaella, brought her back home and reminded her of an Amy who dreamed to be the best painter in the world and who knew better than to marry just for money. Valrosa is such a amazing part of their arc and love story.

Raphael was famous for his Virgin’s and Child which is a figure that is very important for her. In Jo’s Boys, Emil gifts her a locket of that very theme since it reminds him of when Bess was a baby 🥰.

And it also talks about the art that Amy liked. Amy admired Raphael and Michelangelo, THE Old Masters from the Renaissance. They set the bar for the next centuries. However by the mid-1800s people were starting to rebel. I would love to know what Amy thought of the Pre-Raphaelites! When Amy was in Paris, she must have seen Impressionist works, still unpopular but they were growing on art students. That’s something 2019 movie did sort of ok. Amy is someone who grew up watching the masterworks according to traditional standards and that’s the kind of art she wants to do.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

NANCY DREW 3x12

I DIED from all that Nace content and have been continuously reblogging on my other blog: Lydia-yougowith-Stiles.

But I also want to talk about the other parts of the episode because, overall, it was such a great one.

WE WERE BACK AT THE CLAW!!!

I know I’ve been bringing this up a lot recently but it hasn’t been as much of a consistent setting this season and I miss it. When we’re there the whole Crew seems to work on the case together and that brings my heart happiness.

BESS!!!

Bess has always been a great character, but I especially love the direction/character development she has gone on this season. Tapping into her magic side and being this resource for the crew has been so beneficial to everyone.

NICK!!

I want to give him a hug so much, especially after this episode. He cares so much and still has so much from his past to confront. I hope at the end of the season we get to see him come to terms with healthy ways of dealing with his trauma more.

GEORGE!!!

I LOVE how much she cares for her sisters and how they repeatedly (all) show up in the episode. I miss her together with Nick, but know if they are going to grow and eventually be endgame this needs to happen.

THE DADS!!!

Didn’t get too much of a spotlight this episode, but I appreciated them both being a part of it and in the same storyline. (It’s been a bit.) it did freak me out when Ryan said the Hudson’s tend to die young and I still feel awkward when him and George have a solo conversation. He’s completely different from season 1, but they still have that history.

I just DESPERATELY want this show to be guaranteed a renewal. I’m watching the episodes live and going to start rewatching on the app. Anything to help. ❤️

[casmick-consequences]

Bestie, I wanna hear more about your Garth/Bess/Benny polycule idea. I’m un-ironically invested in it.

aight so here we go. (stretching bc this is gonna be a stretch)

WHAT if... that one Leviathan in 15x09 lied, and Benny was NOT "ripped apart by his kind", and he made that up because the vamps covered for him? What if, due to Chuck's fuckening at the end of season 14, it ripped Benny free from Purgatory and back into the real world along with the souls from Hell? (something something corrupted soul, because he went back to earth from Purgatory and then back again)

He would've felt so lost, so alone. Defenseless. What a coincidence would it have been for your favorite werewolf couple and their kids to see him walk along a highway, and offer him shelter for a bit? Of course he'd accept. He'd have nowhere else to go.

So he stays with Garth&Co, gets to hang out with them, get to know them, he gets to play with the kids (he's a surprisingly good babysitter, and the kids absolutely ADORE him. And he adores them!) And it's all just so endearing to Garth and Bess. There's slowly but surely something growing in the air between the three of them.

They sit down one quiet evening after the kids have gone to bed, and they bond over the Winchesters. Dean, specifically. Benny wants to see him again, but he knows that they're probably saving the world so he's not in a hurry. Garth sees how much Benny cares. Not just for Dean, but for humanity in general. And it feels good to have another supernatural creature to talk with that isnt hellbent on killing innocents. It feels REALLY good.

It happens very slowly but both Garth and Bess feel genuine feelings for the vampire, and as a surprise to both of them Benny feels it, too. It's genuine love and comfort. And he's grown to love the kids so much, as well. It just makes sense for them. The three of them and their kids. It's healthy, warm and good. And they all deserve this.

[brokenbutnotquiting]

Say My Name

A Nace Oneshot where Nancy *really* loves the way Ace calls her name. (Because Alex Saxon makes it sound so damn enticing that I couldn't help myself)

I had always liked my name. Nancy Drew. Not so much Drew anymore, but it sounds better than Nancy Hudson. Or maybe that was just my habits talking.

In any case, I like my name. Nancy.

With the ever-growing confusion regarding my last name, it suited me better to opt for – what I call – the Ace option. Just casually dropping my last name until and unless it's an official or legal requirement.

For the very common folk of Horseshoe Bay, I am Nancy.

Just Nancy.

It was only after I realized and accepted my intense feelings for my best male friend – my partner-in-investigative-work – Ace, I often found my heart skipping a beat at my own name.

Purely because of the way he called it. Nancy. With that adorable lilt at the second 'n'. He probably never even realized that he did it, which made it all the more enticing.

But I would never tell him that.

__________

I ignored the screaming soles of my feet as I locked up the Claw. It was date night for George and Nick, and despite my best hopes, I was the one left in charge of closing up the seafood restaurant.

How had I ended up here tonight, I wondered sarcastically before a face flashed in my mind.

Ace.

How was it that most of my stupid impulsive decisions nowadays were because of him? 

He had opted to lock up for the night, claiming to be happy to do it only if George allowed Amanda to stay with him.

"We haven't seen each other much since we returned from our road trip, and she has been asking me if we could just talk for a while without either of us running off for something or the other," he had said with a shrug.

Now, normally I am not a goody-two-shoes. Or a masochist. But seeing Ace with that utterly adorable little pout made my heart melt, and I jumped in to sacrifice my sanity to let him leave early. To be with his girlfriend, no less. 

What can I say? Sometimes, I am just that much of an idiot.

Bess had side-eyed me so hard when I chimed in, I wondered how transparent I had become regarding my feelings for Ace. How did no one else notice?

But then, maybe everybody had noticed it at some point in time and had chosen not to comment on it.

Everybody except Ace. A sigh heaved out of me at that particular thought.

Ace was blissfully unaware. And thank God for that. I didn't need him to hate me for ruining his chances with Amanda. As much as I had rolled my eyes at his dopey smile that first time he had accepted his crush on her—almost endangering George in the process—I did want him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.

Even if watching him fall for her tore my heart out every time, I thought about it.

Even if I was wrecking myself over him. Every. Damn. Day.

I looked around aimlessly. I only had to mop the floors one last time, and then I could leave. So I got the mop and the bucket— put on some music, and let my mind daydream about a life where I wasn't the girl one-sidedly crushing on her best friend as I let my body move on autopilot.

I didn't even realize that I wasn't alone until I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise, pulling me out of the daydream just before I got kissed.

I whirled around towards the door leading to the locker room to find him standing there.

Ace.

He looked angry. Really angry. 

"Ace? What are you doing here? What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. Was someone in danger? Was there an accident or something?

"What's wrong is that I cannot fucking stop thinking about you," he snapped, his soft blue eyes flashing with barely concealed anger.

"What – what are you on about?" I stuttered with surprise.

His nostrils flared delicately. "There I was, with my girlfriend, finally spending some much-needed time together, and my mind kept reminding me that she is not you. That you are you. And that you are here. And I was so distracted by the thought of you being here alone with no one to protect you, should something happen, that I completely missed her telling me that she loved me."

He strode over to where I was standing, grasping onto the mop as if my life depended on it. The weight of his words, the complete and utter disaster of it all hit me at the same time he stopped barely half a foot away.

"Ace— ” I started and stopped. What was I supposed to say? Was there anything I could say that would help? Anything at all? It didn't seem so.

"There she was, looking all hopeful as she told me she loved me, and all I could think of was whether you were safe. Whether I would see you tomorrow." His voice held an undercurrent of fear. And I understood that.

After the Aglaeca and the Wraith and Everett Hudson and the threat of the Road Back still lingering, all of us felt overprotective of each other.

"I am not a marshmallow, Ace. I can take care of myself. At the very least, not drop dead while locking up the Claw," I joked half-heartedly. I admit that I might have intentionally ignored the part where he said he barely paid attention to his girlfriend. Or how my heart skipped several beats at it. I didn't need him more antagonized over my feelings for him.

"That's not the point, and you know it," he snapped. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes, before he continued, "my girlfriend told me she loved me, and not only was I distracted enough to miss it, I couldn't even say it back."

He shook his head, eyes still closed, as if he could somehow forget everything that happened. I understood that feeling as well. Sometimes, I wished the same.

"Why?"I asked him softly because I knew that was the part he wanted me to stress on. I knew him well enough to know his cues. I could play along.

He opened his eyes at my question.

"Because, as much as I like Amanda, I don't love her. At least not as she wanted me to. I tried, God knows I tried so damn hard, but I just couldn't," he explained.

I didn't ask him the question on the tip of my tongue again. I merely kept staring at him. Ace knew my cues as well as I did his. If he wanted me to play along, he could as well.

Why? 

"She broke up with me, rightly so. She deserves someone who isn't already in love with someone else," he whispered, just loud enough to be heard over the music, "what kind of a pathetic person does that?"

Even then, my heart beating fast enough to rival that of a marathon runner, I stayed silent.

"Nancy." He whispered almost pleading, for what I didn't know.

"I love the way you say my name, "I whispered back as if in a thrall. Completely inappropriate? Perhaps. But a kernel of truth nonetheless.

He raised his hands, cupping my face so softly as if afraid that I would break under his touch. He touched his forehead to mine, his eyes closed again.

A slight tremble shook me at his touch. His breath ghosted over my face. "Say my name again," I whispered to him.

"Nancy."

He shifted his face a tiny bit and kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes at the onslaught of feelings his adoration elicited.

"Nancy," he whispered before kissing my other cheek.

"Nancy."

A kiss on my chin.

"Nancy."

A kiss on my forehead.

"Nancy." 

A kiss on my brows.

"Nancy."

A kiss on one eye, and then the other.

"Nancy." 

A kiss on my nose.

"Nancy," his voice took on an almost worshipping quality as he whispered my name but didn't lower his mouth to mine.

Tell him, I chided myself. Tell him that he isn't wrong in his feelings for you. Tell him that if he felt condemned about his feelings for you, then you shared the damnation with him.

"I love you, Ace," I said, tears escaping me, my throat raw with emotion, "I have loved you for a while now." 

There was so much I wanted to tell him and couldn't. So much he needed to know. Another day, I reasoned with myself. I would tell him another day when we were both far more clear-headed than we were at the moment.

"I know, Nancy," he said softly, nodding his head, "I love you too."

And then he closed the gap between us.

His lips were soft against mine. Unhurried. Moving with a languid assurance that he knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to claim it any longer. I played along with him, slow and steady, our form of normalcy until the heat growing in my body took over.

The kiss turned frantic as soon as I bit on his lower lip. His tongue was in my mouth, claiming me. He wanted everything, and I wanted to give it all to him. My tongue followed his, teasing him to a sensual dance of their own.

His hands, which were previously cupping my face, slid lower until one of them was grasping onto my neck – positioning my head as he wanted – the other grabbing onto my waist, pulling my body closer to his.

I let go of the mop, and it fell on the floor with a clang. I placed my hands on his chest. His heartbeat was strong and steady, if not galloping at a faster pace, under my fingertips. I moved my hands on his body, feeling his muscles flex subtly until one of my hands took a life of its own and decidedly wandered over to his hair, tugging on it as if he could come closer than he already was.

I don't particularly know how long we stayed like that, devouring each other like the last meal, but when we did eventually come up for air, I knew I wouldn't be able to let him go, and I told him as such.

His chuckle was like music to me. I opened my eyes just in time to see his smirk, "after a kiss like that, I should hope not, Nancy."

"Jesus Christ, Ace," I swore, "the way you say my name is my favorite thing."

His used laugh vibrated through me at that, warming my core but you know what? I didn't care.

"That's all?" Ace asked me playfully. No more stoicism. It was almost as if he had pulled back another layer of his surprisingly dazzling personality. I smiled at him in answer.

His answering grin almost knocked me right out. Damn! I really did love this man.

I didn't know what my face showed him, but the grin dropped off his face as he asked, "what's wrong?"

Ah. I must have been emoting the pent-up sadness I had repressed for so long.

I shook my head at him, smiling again. I combed through his hair with my fingers and let all of my affection pour into my voice as I said, "I didn't think I would ever get to do this again."

"Touch my hair?" Ace asked amused, quirking an eyebrow.

"Just be with you. Touch you without having to worry about offending anyone," I explained.

He placed a soft kiss on my forehead, pulling me into a hug, "You never really had any sense of personal space when it came to being near me, Nancy. That was just so you, I never really questioned it further. I was so scared of you putting up defenses against me that I purposefully ignored all the signs. Even when they were glaringly obvious." 

He kissed my cheek and said, "I shouldn't have tried as hard as I did to deny my feelings creeping up on me for over a month. And I definitely shouldn't have chosen the easier way out with Amanda."

I shook my head at that. "You did what you thought was right for you," I said, somewhat sadly, "I remember your smile. You told us that she made you bloom."

"She did. For a while."He said. There was a trace of sadness in his voice. It would take time, I knew, for him to stop blaming himself for everything that happened with her.

"Take your time before you move on, Ace. Both of you deserve that respect," I told him.

"I will," he said, a small smile gracing his lips again, "but not tonight." I nodded my acceptance of his decision. Whatever he needed.

"Nancy," he whispered my name in my ear a heartbeat later.

The groan that escaped me was obscene, and I rightfully snapped, "Stop saying my name like that, Ace, if you want to keep your clothes on."

His answering kiss made my blood heat up and my toes curl in my shoes in an instant. I kissed him back with equal fervor. His hands started roaming, and I gasped into his mouth as he cupped my ass. He chuckled in response. A challenge.

Very well, I thought to myself. I dropped my mouth, kissing his neck softly before biting on it. An obscene groan escaped him. I smirked.

Two can play this game, Ace. And I barely got started.

I licked the spot I had bitten.

"I won't be able to even see straight if you keep doing this," his warning rang. I ignored the moan accompanying the statement.

I took half a step away from him and said playfully, "You need some space, Ace?"

"Nancy," he almost growled before yanking my body flush against his again and dropping a searing kiss on my lips.

Dear God, in the heavens above! I loved the way he said my name.

Nancy.

[booasaur]

Just saw your gif set about Audrey and Till. When season 2 started and Audrey changed to a completely new character I thought the writers just didn't know what to do with her, same with Wilfords sudden obsession with her when until then he was all like "Melanie, Melanie, Snowpiercer" but now I actually think the Audrey thing makes sense. She had the opportunity to develop and grow without her abuser and then was trust upon him again and started regressing into the person she knew he would love, and she has been chasing that from that moment on. But then they got back to the train all those things happened and I think she saw Wilford like that and the hero worship, obsession and "love" that she thought she felt disappeared, I think Audrey can only be interested in a cunning and dangerous Wilford because that was how he groomed her, now tho he has nothing and once again they are being kept apart so I think she is having a easier time going back to who she was

I'm just still really confused, because she doesn't seem--well, I mean, I suppose that's maybe realistic, too, that someone who doesn't seem or even isn't outwardly horrible could still love and be with a terrible person...? But then the way she acted when he was all shaken after waking up again, that was pretty brutal. And the thing is, unlike in real life where people can be pretty isolated from the effects of their family's horrible actions, she could see it all very up close.

But tbh, I think you have the reason for the switch in your post, but it's not necessarily, or only, about Audrey's character so much as that they needed someone to fill in that role once Melanie was out. Or maybe even more than that, the show needed for Wilford to have someone on his side, someone interesting that we cared about, not just poor Kevin, as everyone else slowly moved over to Layton's side. Audrey certainly offered that, and indeed, could offer a more interesting angle about surviving through all this, especially when she realizes even Wilford is now allying with Alex and presumably Layton.

I'm actually not opposed to this ship at all, two first season characters who are legit interesting and have actual roles in the show that aren't guest star love interest, I mean, that's actually pretty great on paper. And they've taken the time to actually give them interactions and screentime together this season soooo. As long as this isn't something because the writers ran out of what to do with one or both and the next step is to kill off one or both for angst, I could be pretty into them.

ETA on April 3, 2022: 

Actually, I’ve really rethought what I wrote here, based on rewatching s2, which, my bad, I must have just blanked out a ton of. When I’d watched live, I’d still been very annoyed at Jinju’s disappearance, a double whammy of homophobia and racism in wiping out a significant queer Asian character without any mention from Bess and Melanie, and skimmed a lot and what I did watch, I didn’t fully take in or absorb, I guess?

Because I seem to have skipped or plain forgotten major chunks of the story that were quite relevant to Audrey’s characterization. The more I rewatched, the more started to come back but none of that had been in mind when I was watching the end of s2 or s3.

She was groomed, as you said, anon, and I think a lot of what came after was to try to justify that, to make it worth it. She was actually scared of going back to him at first and warned the rest about him. They sent her back, to be their spy, and she even seemed to try to resist falling back into his thrall, like, he’d made her cut her freaking wrists. And we know how hard it is to resist him, look at poor Alex too, who’s only a little younger than Audrey was he got her hooks into her, since at 18 she was already with him.

And when Wilford was weaker in s3 after waking up from the suspension drug, for a bit, what really got to me during Audrey’s rant was her saying “science is nothing without power, you told me that”. She’s really just trying to justify her past actions AND what happened to her, that it was all necessary. Because if it wasn’t, then not only are all her horrible choices and decisions pointless but so was everything that happened to her.

So yeah, while she has done a lot of bad things and encouraged and ignored more, and turned in s2, as you said, into a seemingly almost completely different person, indulging in alcohol and orgies and turning a blind eye to Wilford’s cruelty, with the previous context, I’m much more willing to forgive her as a victim of abuse who fell back into destructive patterns when her abuser returned.

[dreamwritesimagines]

It’s CMA-

Omg I didn’t get a notification for this chapter so I’m late!!

Okay here we go:

Lmao Ben and clover both being so clearly horny for one another 10/10 fucking hilarious

Also who got rid of the pillow wall in their sleep?? It kind of seems like Ben tried to fix it with the pillow and comforter between them, unless that was a total accident? Did he see her close to the edge and was like fuck I need to do something about that, hence the arm around her, or was all of this in their sleep?

LMAO imagine Anthony hearing that clover thinks that Ben is his best friend or vice versa. He’d really think there was something wrong with her

BESS IS SO CUTE!!!!!!! Lmfaoooo I love the idea of trying to grow a rose BUSH in a pot because I’m imagining it’s too small for them lololol (actually im not a rose person so I wouldn’t know but I can’t imagine that the surface area is very large for it, which means fewer blooms, unless she has a trellis which I doubt). I’m willing to bet that it doesn’t even have drainage holes with her logic, but if it does she’s having to empty the saucer so often and/or just letting the roses sit in a big and I just-

Someone give Bess an aquatic plant or even a carnivorous plant. Most of those are pretty hard to overwater since they’re actually bog plants and love to sit in it. Still, I’m sure she’d find a way with her horticultural knowledge…..

Let’s be real, Josie only knew that watering roses three times a day was bad/going to set clover off because she would do something like water a cactus five times a day when she was younger and got totally chewed out by clover LMAO. It’s the complete sibling energy of ‘I’m going to let this other person say something to set you off and sit back with the popcorn’. It’s the benefits of getting to annoy your sibling, seeing someone else be shocked at their behavior, and also

I love that Ben trusted her to be alone at this party! Also clover is going to ask every married person she knows about threesomes now LMAO and I will die laughing about it forever. Hopefully not because it might reveal where she learned about them but still.

I wonder if she’ll tell Ben about her new revelation about wanting to be happy

Her thinking that all of his affection is because of the witnesses is so tragic. What about the cuddling clover??? Who do you think that was for????

STOP they are so cute wtf😭😭😍😍

Also I feel like Josie/Bess is a kind of grumpy/sunshine pairing, just like Anthony/Charlie!!!! They’re so cute but by god they are severely lacking in brain cells LMAO. Ben is a sunshine too so him and clover also kind of fit lol

UGH I am smiling so big right now!! They’re so cute!!!

CMA HI DARLIIING! 🥰😍❤️

Wait, you didn't get a notification!? 😱

They really are and they think the other one is not 😂

I actually think it all happened in their sleep😏 Like, the whole getting rid of the pillows and cuddling ❤️ It's like they both want to be close to each other and Benedict is protecting her even in their sleep🥰

Anthony needs to hear that 😂

Loll Bess has zero idea about how to take care of a plant, any plant 😂 Like, she grew up pretty rich just like Andrew, and they had gardeners and such so she never really paid attention to how one grows a plant 😂 That's why she's clueless about why they keep dying on her 😂

Clover could give her one of those! 🥰

Lolll Josie totally knew that would be Clover's reaction 😂 Like, it was very entertaining for her❤️ The moment Bess told her about the flower issue, she probably made a mental note to mention it in front of Clover sometime just to see the look on her face 😂

Benedict really trusts her 🥰 Loll I think Clover will want to ask everyone because she will be very curious about that 😂❤️Buuuut she will ask Benedict first 😏

She thinks the cuddling was an accident! 😂❤️ Like, as much as she enjoys it, she doesn't even think Benedict might want that as well😁

Grumpy/Sunshine pairing is one of my favorite dynamics ever, it's so fuuun! 🥰❤️ And yessss we have multiple couples like that 😍

Thank you so much for this my love! ❤️❤️❤️

[plotting-against-you]

It's All In My Head

Fandom: Nancy Drew (TV 2019)

Characters: Nancy Drew, Ryan Hudson, Ace, Ned 'Nick' Nickerson, Bess Marvin, George Fan

Synopsis: Being sick was messing with her emotions, and with memories of having her parents around to take care of her fresh in her mind, she couldn't fully control the child inside her yearning for her fathers.

Warnings: None

The sunlight streaming through the bedroom windows seemed extra bright as Nancy slowly gained consciousness. Then, taking a deep breath to wake herself up even more, she opened her eyes and groaned at the irritation it brought her head. As she sat up in bed, she tried to think about why her first waking minutes seemed so painful.

She recalled having a slight headache as she got herself settled for sleep the night before, but she’d taken a few over-the-counter pain relievers and had fallen asleep quickly. Now, however, it seemed as though they had done nothing to help her pounding head.

Nancy considered snuggling back under her covers for only a moment before she remembered she had promised George she would help open The Claw that morning. Sighing in exhaustion, she willed the pain away and got up to start her day before she had to mark down yet another late shift in her journal.

…

Was the restaurant on fire? That’s what it felt like to the redheaded teen who had only felt worse since she entered the building that morning.

She had managed to make it through the morning with the same ache in her temples, but the pounding seemed to increase as the lunch rush set in. It also traveled to her eyes, causing her ordinarily spectacular vision to blur more than once. Finally, after an hour of dealing with hungry midday patrons, Nancy decided the world hated her as it had seemingly turned up the lights of the sun as well.

If it couldn’t get any worse, her stomach had chosen to join in on the torture and had constantly been turning from the moment one of her tables ordered the fried clams. She had hoped that once she could take her break, she could take a few more painkillers and start to feel better. But, unfortunately, that relief never came.

She looked down at her phone as she closed her locker but winced as the words and apps blended from the added double vision. It didn’t help that the bright screen sent a flare of pain through her skull as well. Sitting on the bench, Nancy dropped her head into her hands and groaned.

“Hey, Nance,” she turned to look at Ace, whose face was pinched in concern as he stood in the doorway. “everything okay?”

Not wanting to worry anyone, especially since they’d been sending her worried looks since she walked in, she sent him a tight smile. “You know me; I’m good.”

He narrowed his eyes and walked down the few steps that led into the room. “You sure? You look pale.”

“I’m always pale.” She pointed out but could see that her attempt at a joke hadn’t landed with him.

“Nancy,” he crouched down in front of her. “if you don’t feel well, you can go home.”

“Ace…I’ve barely worked any shifts since Tiffany died. I have to make it through at least one, or George might actually kill me.” As much as she wanted to curl up in bed and sleep the day away, she knew she couldn’t do that anytime soon.

Not only would George be seriously pissed off, but it wasn’t in her nature to take a sick day. She remembered many days growing up where her parents would have to nearly tie her to her bed so that she could rest.

“It’s just a headache, Ace.”

He shook his head. “I think it’s more than that, Nancy.”

“It’s really not-”

“Head pounding? Light sensitivity? Blurred vision? I’m guessing your stomach isn’t doing too hot right now either.”

She stared at him for a moment, wondering if he could read her mind.

Moving to sit next to her, Ace shrugged. “I think it’s a migraine. My mom gets them a lot, and sometimes they’re pretty brutal. I’m guessing you haven’t gotten much sleep since your press conference?”

He wasn’t wrong. Ever since she came out to the world as a Hudson, her life had gotten even more hectic than before. Luckily, with the help of her dads, she was able to divide up the company’s assets and give them away, which allowed her life to relax a bit.

Apparently, her body hadn’t gotten the memo.

Seeing that Ace still wore the concern on his features, she sighed. “Listen, if it gets a lot worse, I’ll tell George and go home, okay?”

“You shouldn’t be driving.” He told her carefully, knowing she was likely to put up a fight. “That vision is only going to get worse, and you could get into an accident.”

Turning to look at him, she sighed. “I don’t have much of a choice.”

“Where are your dads?”

“Carson’s out of town for the weekend…something about a conference in Boston. And Ryan just got Val back to town, so he’s staying with her at the hotel.”

She turned away from him now to hide the sudden tears that rushed to her eyes. She wasn’t actually upset at either of them for being gone; she’d certainly stayed at home alone for longer than a few nights and didn’t need her parents around.

But being sick was messing with her emotions, and with memories of having her parents around to take care of her fresh in her mind, she couldn’t fully control the child inside her yearning for her fathers.

“We’ll figure it out.” Ace interrupted her thoughts as if he knew where her brain had gone. “You sure I can’t just take you home right now?”

She nearly shook her head but thought better of it at the last second. “I’m okay, Ace. If it gets worse, I’ll let you know.”

…

The migraine got worse, but in typical Nancy fashion, she said nothing. The lunch rush turned into a very unusual late afternoon frenzy, and she knew they needed her to stay and help. She could feel Ace’s eyes on her whenever she grabbed an order from the counter but avoided looking at him.

She felt terrible for lying to him earlier, but she really didn’t want to admit how poorly she actually felt. Besides, she only had a few more hours until her shift ended, and then she could go home and sleep away the illness.

Nancy had just picked up a tray of food for her table and turned to walk it over to them when her whole plan derailed. Between the angle she turned her neck and the late afternoon sun shining through the window into her eyes, her head swam, and time seemed to stop.

When her vision cleared and sound came back to her, she was on her knees with food and glass surrounding her.

“Nancy!” Her head hurt too much to lift it and look at Nick, but she felt him drop next to her. “Hey, you okay?”

She felt herself pitch forward a bit, and he caught her, his hands being joined by Ace’s firm grip on the other side.

“Come on, let’s get her into the back.” Ace’s voice was blessedly quiet as both boys muscled her to her feet and practically dragged her back to the bench.

“What’s wrong with her?” Nick had lowered his own voice, thankfully, but she could tell he was worried about her.

“Migraine.” Ace replied, knowing she wasn’t likely to speak. “A bad one.”

“Nancy, has this been going on all day?” They sat her down on the bench, and while Ace sat next to her, Nick crouched.

Again, Ace responded for her. “Yeah. Tried to get her to go home, but she wouldn’t go.”

Normally she would hate having them speak for her, but her head felt as if it was going to fall off her shoulders and roll out of the building, so she let it slide.

Dropping her head to the side, she rested it against Ace’s broad shoulder and felt his arm move around her back to keep her from collapsing again. Though her eyes were closed, she could sense the guys having a silent conversation before Ace shifted slightly and grabbed his phone, handing it to Nick.

Neither spoke, but Ace held the device out to his friend and gestured for him to leave the room to make the call. He could see George and Bess coming to the doorway to check on her, but Nick intercepted them and ushered them away, leaving them in blissful silence.

…

It was too much. Bess had replaced Nick a few minutes later, and though she brought an ice pack (which Ace had expertly placed on her neck), nothing seemed to help. Her head ached like a rotten tooth, and the room felt as though it had gone up a few degrees. Both her friends spoke to her quietly in comfort, but all she could do was whimper.

It was when she finally let out a strangled sob that she felt a different pair of hands enter the picture.

One rested on her thigh in a soothing gesture, and the other brushed against her forehead. A soft, hushing sound followed the action.

“Oh, baby.”

Recognizing Ryan’s voice and touch, Nancy slumped forward and fell into his waiting embrace. She didn’t care that she might look like a child seeking comfort; it was exactly how she felt and what she wanted.

“Dad…”

Another sob broke out again, causing her to wince as it only hurt her head more. The young father sighed and cradled her head against his chest. He could feel the surprised eyes of her friends on them but didn’t comment.

She’d started calling him ‘Dad’ recently, but she hadn’t exactly used it in public as she hadn’t had the opportunity.

“I got you. You’re okay.” His voice stayed at a low level as he focused on his daughter. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

He lifted her easily, noting that she became limp at the movement. He nodded quickly to the group in thanks, before hurrying out the back door and to his car. It wasn’t until he was strapping her in that she stirred again.

“Hurts.”

He winced in sympathy as he knelt next to her seat. “I know, Nance. But I’m going to bring you home, and we’ll figure it out, okay?”

Her head lolled to face his driver’s seat, so he took that as his cue to close her door and hurry to get them out of there.

…

It felt to both like an eternity had passed before they were finally walking through the front door of the house. Ryan navigated the stairs with surprising ease, and it wasn’t until he sat her on the bed that he hesitated.

“You think you can get changed, or do you want to stay in the uniform?” He knew she would be more comfortable in her own clothes, but he didn’t want to risk her hurting herself.

“I…” She let out a breath. “I think I can do it.”

He nodded. “I’m going to grab a few things, okay? If you need me, yell.”

He left quickly to grab the items he needed and was back in less than two minutes. Nancy had managed to get into her pajamas in that time, but as she sat on the bed, he saw her body list to the side and dropped what he held, grabbing her before she could fall.

“Whoa,” He had one hand on her cheek as her eyes filled with tears again and noted that she had a low-grade fever. “it’s okay. I got you.”

“No.”

His brow creased in confusion. “What’s wrong?” She shook her head, though he could see that it was only making things worse. “Stop, that’s going to make it hurt more.”

“You…shouldn’t be here.”

His heart sank a bit, and he sighed. “If that’s what you want, I can go.”

“No!”

“Nancy…I’m confused. What’s going on?” He had no idea what was going on in her head, and he was starting to wonder if this was more than just a nasty migraine.

A few tears fell down her cheeks as she mumbled words that he couldn’t understand. Deciding he needed to bring her comfort before they spoke, he shrugged his jacket off and tossed it on the floor. Then he eased her down to lie on her back under the covers before sliding an ice pack under her neck.

“Can you take these pills for me, please?” He helped her lean up so she could swallow them before setting her back down and tucking her in. “Now…can you try and tell me what you meant?”

She looked up at him with glassy eyes, both from the tears that still pooled there and the pain that had taken over. “I’m sorry.”

He let out a humorless chuckle. “You don’t have to apologize for being sick.”

“But…Val…”

He sighed again, now understanding what was upsetting her so much. “Nancy, you will always come first. Val understands that, and even if she didn’t, it would still be true. You’re my daughter, and nothing comes before you.”

She didn’t respond to that, but he could see on her face that she understood.

“Now, you should try to get some sleep. Those pills should kick in soon, and the ice should help, too. If you need anything—anything at all—I will be right downstairs.”

Ryan watched as his daughter, usually strong and independent, moved so she could grab his hand. “Can you stay with me?”

Looking down at his baby girl, he could see the rare vulnerability displayed on her face. She looked so much like a young child at that moment that he could almost imagine what it might have been like to take care of her back then.

Moving so that he could sit against her headboard, he gathered her close and rubbed soothing circles into her arm. “Of course, I can.”

They sat like that for a while before her breathing evened out, and her soft snoring filled his ears. He figured he could probably get away with leaving and going downstairs to cook himself some dinner, but he thought of all the years he didn’t get these moments with her and decided the meal could wait.

Even though she was sick, he was grateful for the moments he got to spend with Nancy, and as she clung to him even in sleep, he wasn’t going to give that up for anything.

[tallstars-rewrite]

Chapter 17

chapter list / previous / next

In what little free time he was permitted in between patrols or extra long hunting missions, Tallpaw went back to visit Jake several times. All he had to do was say he preferred hunting in the Swift-Step Hills, which led up to the northern borders treeline. Jake was bolder in his exploring now that he knew the way there and back. Tallpaw never let himself stay for very long, only a brief conversation or even a wave hello, but the tiny visits were like a breath of fresh air to him. Any small moment of respite completely disconnected from his life and worries back at camp was sorely needed.

 It was easy enough when he was out training with Dawnstripe, when he was too busy with her to think of much else, but he was still procrastinating a conversation with the tunnelers. Normally he wouldn’t go so close to where he knew their patrols might be working, but he was having trouble finding prey elsewhere. He’d almost given up entirely and began trailing back to camp when he spotted a large doe rabbit hopping erratically back and forth between the hollowed entrances of the tunnelers new passages. It was a newer one, dug through what may have recently been an old rabbit burrow. Tallpaw was able to sneak up on it and kill it quickly while it was looking lost. His paws sank uncomfortably into the newly scratched soil, and he winced at the feeling. He took to avoiding the tunnels altogether recently, afraid of bumping into one of the patrols and not having a graceful excuse prepared for why he hadn’t joined them yet. The last thing he needed was to accidentally collapse some fragile part of an invisible passage, so he left as quickly as he could. 

It was past dawn at this point and the wind was blowing particularly strong today, bringing with it dark clouds from over the mountains, along with the damp taste in the air signaling coming rains. Tallpaw stared up at Outlook Hill, squinting against the light. Fawnleap was standing alone on top, with his claws fastened into the dirt to keep from blowing off his paws. He was stretching his neck up towards the sky, appearing to be deep in concentration. Sparrow was staring up at him from the base of the hill. Tallpaw padded up behind the small dark tom, and set his rabbit down on the ground.

 “What in StarClan’s name is he doing up there?” he asked.

Sparrow didn’t turn to greet Tallpaw, but replied, “He was complaining on and on yesterday about wanting to outgrow his mentor and his siblings. So I told him there was an ancient legend that claimed if you spent long enough in a very tall place and focused all your energy on stretching up towards the sky every day that it would help you grow as much as seven mouse lengths within a season.”

Tallpaw snorted. “That’s nonsense, you can’t just will yourself to be taller. Where did you hear that?” 

Sparrow looked at him “I was telling a joke,” he meowed flatly. 

Sparrow’s tone of voice sounded the same no matter what he was saying. I’m not sure he knows how jokes are supposed to work... Tallpaw thought.

 “Has he been up there all morning?” 

“I think so.”

“You...can’t just tell Fawnleap things like that, he always takes you seriously.”

Sparrow was staring blankly back up at the spotted brown tom, who still hadn’t broken his focus.  “He’s...so stupid,” he breathed, sounding almost awe-struck. 

“Hey, Fawnleap may not be the brightest cat on the moor, but he means well.” Tallpaw glanced sideways at the loner. He still couldn’t get a good read on him like he could the other visitors, who seemed to always wear their emotions plainly on their pelts. “So...how are you settling in?”

“Awkwardly.” Sparrow replied. “Some of you are alright I suppose. I don’t actually mind Fawnleap when he’s not talking my ear off. He’s less prickly than others around here. But I’ll be excited to leave.”

“Oh.” Tallpaw was a little taken aback by the bluntness in his tone when he said that. “Why is that?”

“It feels like you clan cats always have to be fighting someone. I don’t want us to get tangled up in your issues with this ‘ShadowClan.’ I don’t understand why you can’t just let them hunt on the land they want and be done with it. It’s just trees and grass. Is it really worth starting some kind of war over?”

“It’s not that simple. Our land is a part of us, it’s not just anything, that’s why we defend it. We can’t give it away carelessly.”

He caught Sparrow rolling his eyes and Tallpaw flattened his ears, but he was determined not to get into an argument. Maybe Sparrow had a reason to be prickly. They weren’t visiting for happy reasons after all, and Tallpaw tried to muster some understanding for the young loner. “None of you are going to be in danger here. ShadowClan is our problem to handle. Hen is perfectly safe in our camp.”

“Sure…” Sparrow avoided his gaze and Tallpaw saw for perhaps the first time a scrap of emotion from him as a glimmer of worry darkened his gaze. There and gone just as quickly.

“You must be worried about her,” Tallpaw said sympathetically. “It must be hard seeing the cat that kitted you so sick.”

“She didn’t kit me.”

“She didn’t? Sorry, I thought Bess said-”

“She is my mother,” he said firmly, “in every way that matters. I share no blood with any of them.”

“Oh, of course. I guess I just assumed, I mean, I know kittypets get separated from their family often but I thought loners might be different--or whatever you call yourselves.” 

“You don’t even know how strange you clan cats are.” Sparrow sniffed, “I guess it’s easy staying with the cats that you’re kin with. Bess, Algernon, and Reena are after all. but most of the loners I pass don’t think much about blood. You find where you belong best by yourself, and maybe it’s not with who you happened to be born with. I never even knew my blood kin. They’re either dead or left me behind. I don’t really care. There’s only ever been Hen as far back as my memory goes. She’s my family, and I don’t want her in danger. No matter what."

Tallpaw didn’t respond. He could at least understand Sparrow’s loyalty to the old cat, it wasn’t dissimilar to the loyalty a clan cat should feel to the rest of their clanmates, but even so, he couldn’t imagine not knowing his kin at all. They were the cats who brought him into the world after all. But it must be easier choosing who fits you rather than being stuck with someone you can’t please, a small voice hissed in the back of his mind, and he immediately mentally kicked himself for thinking it. How could he be so ungrateful? 

He heard Sparrow mutter under his breath "I just think the others are...too trusting sometimes. It's only luck that we haven’t gotten into much trouble with strangers on our travels so far.”

“Well... Hawkheart knows a lot about healing, and he’s doing everything he can to help her. Even if he’s a bit prickly about it.” Tallpaw said.

“I understand.” It didn’t sound like he actually did. “It must be a big ask for him to help some cat that didn’t happen to be born here.”

Sparrow’s voice made it hard to tell if he was being sarcastic.

Just in case he was, Tallpaw said “if we had more reliable resources it would be easier for us to be generous to every cat, but we only have what our territory provides, and most of the time it’s only enough for us.”

Sparrow narrowed his eyes at him. “Well you had no problem helping that dopey barncat past the moor.”

Tallpaw stiffened.

“I wasn’t following you if that’s what you’re thinking.” Sparrow continued. “You told us to stay near the trees, and Reena saw him wandering around a couple days ago, and then I saw you wandering after him. You don’t sneak around very well.”

“Oh--! Well, that’s--um…” Tallpaw sputtered. He really thought he’d been doing a good job at keeping that secret.

Sparrow rolled his eyes. “I won’t tell your clanmates if that’s what you're worried about. Neither will Reena if you don’t want her to, we’re not tattle-tails. If you want to frolic with a pet, go nuts for all I care. I don’t want to get tangled up in your...weird hang ups about outsiders or whatever. I have no reason to get you in trouble with your dad, I’m not holding a grudge against you for tackling me or anything.”

“Oh. Um.” Tallpaw gulped. “Well...thanks. I think.”

“Trust me, I wouldn’t be interested in talking to your dad for any reason. That sandy tom is your dad, right?”

Tallpaw blinked. How much had Sparrow been watching to even take note of that?

“I supposed I was worried you’d be just as rude and stuck up to us as him. We all make a point of avoiding him.” Sparrow said.

“I’d thank you not to talk about my father like that.” Tallpaw hissed defensively. “You don’t understand the pressure we’re under, and he’s doing more to protect our clan than any other cat right now.”

Sparrow looked a little surprised at Tallpaw’s shift in tone. Tallpaw was too, but his father was a great cat, and if he was rude to Sparrow it was probably because Sparrow was rude to everyone. 

Sparrow blinked. “Sorry? I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I mean, I figured him being unpleasant was just an obviously observable fact. He snapped at me just for sitting here earlier. ‘Said he had gone all over looking for you and was annoyed that I didn’t know where you were, but I don’t see how that’s my fault. I guess he wants you for something. He’s waiting around camp.”

Tallpaw stared at him, “Wait, was that this morning? Why didn’t you start with that if you knew he was looking for me!?”

“Umm…” Sparrow trilled in thought. “Because I think he’s rude and annoying and I didn’t feel like doing him a favor? I say you should ditch him.”

“For StarClan’s sake! You have a lot of nerve calling any cat rude! I don’t have time for this!” Tallpaw picked up his rabbit and started dragging it around the hill. Before he disappeared into camp, he called over his shoulder, “and tell Fawnleap you made up that story! Clan cats don’t have time to mess around!” 

It must be so easy for Sparrow, never having to defend anything and tagging along with his friends. He didn’t even seem to care much about the other cats in his group save for Hen and himself. Sparrow clearly didn’t know what it meant to care about anything bigger than his own paws. Tallpaw decided it was better not to try making friends with the loner after all, the last thing he needed to be doing was hanging around a cat that was antagonizing Sandstone. If Sparrow wanted to brood off on his own, then he could do what he liked and then he could leave with his friends and  Tallpaw wouldn’t have to think of him ever again. Meanwhile, Sandstone was working his paws off trying to deal with so much. And I should have been back sooner…! His tail drooped, and the brief feeling of respite he’d had traveling to the woods near the farm was swept away. It was irresponsible to be going in the first place.

In camp, Tallpaw was surprised to see Sandstone talking with Dawnstripe. Dawnstripe looked a little exasperated, but she smiled at Tallpaw as he approached.

 He held his rabbit up a little higher as he trotted past them. I hope at least this makes a good excuse for taking so long.

 “Great catch!” Dawnstripe called, “I wish I’d seen it, your hunting is coming along well.”

Tallpaw looked expectantly at his father, who seemed a bit distracted but eventually nodded to him, and to his immense relief he didn’t look angry to be kept waiting.

 “Yes, good job Tallpaw. I’ve been looking for you! I’ve been wanting to talk to you about our project.”

“O-oh, sure ok.” Tallpaw said through muffled fur, and hurriedly went to put his catch with the rest.

“Great news, don’t worry about moor training today. You’ll be joining me on an important excavation,” Sandstone said as soon as Tallpaw scurried back over to them.

“If you want to,” Dawnstripe added quickly. “And only if you have the energy for it after your errand. It’s a sudden change of plans, but Heatherstar has agreed that all apprentices should learn more about tunneling so they know how to be safe around them. Sandstone thinks today is a particularly good day for it.”

“And it is! Now is the perfect time, don’t you agree?”

Tallpaw felt his stomach clench with fear as his father looked into his eyes. This was too sudden. Go into the tunnels today? He hadn’t had time to prepare himself. By habit, he immediately started rushing through his head for an excuse to ease himself out of it. 

Dawnstripe gave him a knowing look. “It only has to be some basics and safety tips, at least knowing what fragile places not to go running over.” 

But Tallpaw knew his father, and he knew there was no way he was going to be satisfied with that.

The look Sandstone was giving him confirmed just that. “We’ll start with the basics and then get more in depth from there. Tallpaw can’t be kept away from his true calling forever, Dawnstripe. I think he’s been patient long enough. He’s waited moon for this!” 

Sandstone’s voice glowed with an almost triumphant pride. Dawnstripe narrowed her eyes at him and Tallpaw suddenly remembered how he’d confessed to Dawnstripe on his first day how much he hated tunneling, but he hadn’t told her about not admitting that fact to his father. 

Before she could say anything, Tallpaw spoke first, feigning a confidence that he didn’t feel. “Alright, I'll try it.”

“Excellent! See Dawnstripe? I knew he’d be excited for it.” Sandstone purred.

 Tallpaw gave his mentor a wide-eyed desperate look. Please don’t say anything about it! Dawnstripe’s gaze was confused, and tinged with concern, but all she did was nod slowly and say, “Well, be careful. Follow all the rules.”

Tallpaw dipped his head to her quickly as Sandstone began herding him away back out of camp. Just one day, I owe it to him to try...maybe it won't be so bad. It was difficult to really believe that. A patrol of Plumclaw, Woollycloud, Crowfur, and Mistmouse were waiting for them. 

Woollycloud blinked in surprise when he saw Tallpaw. “Good morning Tallpaw, I didn’t know you’d be joining us today.” He looked questioningly at Sandstone.

“Glad to see the young cat!” Crowfur said, “the more the merrier. Or the muddier, as I always say.”

Plumclaw winced and rolled her eyes at the terrible joke but she waved her tail at him in a welcoming gesture.

“I caught Dawnstripe before she went out with him again,” Sandstone said. “This will be an important step in our bigger project and I knew Tallpaw couldn’t miss it. When he gets farther in his tunneler training, this will provide invaluable experience.” Sandstone nudged Tallpaw “You're witnessing the beginning of history you know. WindClan’s future will have a reformed network that will make us safer and stronger than ever, and you’re finally going to be a part of that.”

Tallpaw nodded, trying and failing to work up the same level of enthusiasm.

Mistmouse cocked her head “I thought we were just doing another routine check of our recently enforced tunnels today?”

Sandstone shook his head “We were, but as I was inspecting them ahead of time, I noticed the tunnels in the eastern field have finally fully thawed underground and the dampness will make the walls easier to press together without it crumbling. It’s a perfect opportunity to reinforce it before any bad weather.”

Woollycloud narrowed his eyes in concern. “But we haven’t been able to confirm that the soil is stable enough to tunnel there. The moisture could make the roof heavier as well, and there's a rabbit warren very near the area we’d risk disturbing.”

“Don’t worry so much Woollycloud, trust me! It’s perfectly stable, and if it’s not, we’ll deal with it as we always do. But we have a limited window to show Heatherstar real progress so she’ll understand why this is a good idea! Now let’s go. Keep up Tallpaw, I’ll run you through the basics on the way.”

The anxiety pricking at Tallpaw’s stomach didn’t ease much as Sandstone rattled through the rules of tunnel etiquette as they walked. The exact distance to keep between yourself and the tunneler ahead of you, how to pack dirt to the side to keep it out of the way and reinforce walls, how to use your whiskers and nose instead of your eyes to feel the walls of the tunnel and sense the direction you were going, how to feel vibrations that signified the tunnel wall was unstable. He had a faint memory of Sandstone rambling off these things to him as a kit when he practiced, but it had been just as incomprehensible then. When the spiel finished, Tallpaw’s head was spinning and he found the more desperate he was to keep the information in his mind, the faster it would slip out again.

They arrived at the stretch of ground Tallpaw had tried hunting near earlier where the grass thinned out and damp earth poked through in patches. Sandstone led the patrol to a dip and Tallpaw saw a small area where the earth sloped down into a very narrow, very dark, and very cramped looking hole, just big enough for a cat to get through. He gulped.

“It gets wider once you're inside. The entrance is a bit small.” Woollycloud said, clearly noticing the tension in Tallpaw’s body.

“This will be just like the digging practice you did as a kit.” Sandstone said. “We’re going to check out the inside and see which branched off areas are sturdy enough to fix up and expand. This will be the entrance of the tunnel that comes out on the ShadowClan border, if we can get it that far. It will be long and complicated, but that’s intentional. The more confusing, the harder it will be for potential enemies to navigate it."

A whole maze of winding tunnels that a cat could easily get lost in... The ground in front of Tallpaw seemed to yawn like a hungry mouth, waiting to clamp down on him.

“Remember what I told you,” Sandstone continued, if he could sense Tallpaw’s apprehension he didn’t make any sign of it. “Woollycloud will go ahead, then me, and you’ll stick right behind me. Mistmouse will follow behind you at a tail length.”

“And Crowfur and I will go ahead and branch to the right to test out the other path.” Plumclaw added

“And I trust my old apprentice will have no trouble with that.” Sandstone nodded with pride.

Plumclaw led Crowfur into the tunnel with confidence. Tallpaw couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy for the molly, so sure in her paw steps. She had been trained by his father and he always looked at her with approval. Stars, stop being a jealous kit and focus on what’s important right now, mouse-brain! Tallpaw chided himself.

When Woollycloud squeezed into the tunnel, Sandstone nodded to Tallpaw signaling for him to go next. He tried very hard not to visibly seize up as he put his paws at the tunnel entrance and squeezed down it. 

The air became startlingly cooler against his face, and a damp chill quickly began working its way under his pelt. It was somehow even darker than Tallpaw had feared. Light quickly vanished behind them and there was nowhere else for the sun to peek through, or wind, or anything. The walls brushed against his sides, tugging uncomfortably at his fur. He was painfully aware of the weight of the earth increasing above his head as the tunnel sloped downward. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, he repeated over and over.

“See Woollycloud?” he heard Sandstone say “The tunnel walls are still plenty sturdy.”

Woollycloud hummed in response “Perhaps. Mistmouse, the passage up here is too narrow for me, do you think you could squeeze on ahead?”

Tallpaw couldn’t see either of them, but he heard Woollycloud’s loud pawsteps get fainter. His tail twitched nervously and he accidentally whipped Mistmouse on the muzzle, who sneezed as his short hairs tickled her nose.

“Sorry.” Tallpaw croaked.

“It’s alright,” Mistmouse mewed. “I was nervous my first time too, it’s normal.”

Tallpaw felt more embarrassed than comforted, but he hoped she was right and that the thudding in his chest would stop soon. He had to awkwardly press himself to the side, but the lithe molly easily wiggled under him. He was afraid if he pushed the wall too hard, it might buckle.

“Come on, keep up!” He heard Sandstone’s eager mew suddenly farther ahead. Tallpaw hadn’t even noticed that he’d kept walking. “Let's check out this passageway. I think I remember it looping back around to the main path.”

“I can’t see you, where is your voice coming from?” Tallpaw’s mew was hoarse and shaky. Sandstone’s voice had a strange echo to it, trapped and bouncing off the walls, vibrating strangely against his sensitive ear fur. Even the noises down here sounded wrong and cramped. 

“Remember to use your whiskers and your nose!” came Sandstone’s voice. Tallpaw couldn’t think clearly enough to use any sense. He had the distinct feeling any sudden or out of place movement would cause something to break, so he moved stiffly and carefully, crouched over and keeping his head ducked, careful not to touch any wall as if he could pretend that he wasn’t really trapped on all sides so long as he didn’t feel it. His chest was starting to ache as the pounding of his heart bordered on painful. It felt like he had to strain for every breath. He stumbled ahead blindly until he bumped into the stout form of Woollycloud.

 “Don’t focus on what you can’t see,” the tunneler said.  “You’ll soon be able to understand how to detect sound sources in the tunnels, in fact, you’ll be able to detect them even farther than above ground.”

“It feels hard to breathe.” Tallpaw gasped. “Is there air down here?” 

“Yes, we can breathe.” Woollycloud said, a gentle purr rumbling in his chest to soothe the jittery apprentice. “Take deep, slow breaths. The air tastes different, but you won’t suffocate, I promise.”

Tallpaw nodded before remembering Woollycloud wouldn’t see it. Mistmouse had come back to join them, reporting that the tunnel did open up more but the soil of the main path was feeling a bit loose, and she didn’t feel comfortable digging to make it wider. Woollycloud grumbled something to himself

“I-is it safe?” Tallpaw whispered. He was still struggling to breathe normally.

“We’ll have to use the side path, the earth is made of sturdier material.” Woollycloud said. “Your father and I would never let anything bad happen to you. You're safe as long as you're with us. Just keep padding forward, I’ll be right behind you.”

Tallpaw felt the smallest bit better as he adjusted to the dark. The air still felt thick and musty, but his lungs were working. Perhaps it was just in his head. Earthy walls brushed against his whiskers when the path widened and narrowed. He decided to close his eyes so he wouldn’t think about not being able to see, but then he was so focused on the walls that he almost ran into Sandstone.

“Here is where we’ll start digging.” Sandstone said. “This was an unfinished extra passage from moons ago, and it should loop around to the main path. Come put your paws here.” Tallpaw pawed in the dark until his father’s larger paw pressed his against the earth. “Start from higher up and work your way down to create a large enough path.”

Tallpaw obediently started to claw cautiously at the earth. Woollycloud had hung back and Tallpaw heard him sniffing at the walls as Mistmouse squeezed around to join them, her nimble paws already burrowing at the earth in small fast strokes. Tallpaw winced as his claw snagged a rock. The damp earth oozed and clumped uncomfortably under his toes. Every time he felt soil crumble, he winced, wondering if it would take the roof down with it.

“Are you sure it’s stable enough to do this?” he squeaked.

His heart sank as he heard Sandstone let out a short irritated sigh. “Tallpaw, this is my life's work. You don’t know what you’re doing yet. Don’t think, just listen to me and let me guide your claws. I’ll place your paws where they need to be”

“Ok...” Tallpaw mewed quietly.

“It can take half a day to make progress,” Sandstone said. “Slow and steady work. Of course, it’s faster the more paws we have.”

There was a hint in his voice that said ‘paws like yours would make it faster,’ and Tallpaw grimaced. It felt like it had been days already and Tallpaw never quite got over the feeling that the air was too thick to breathe. His shoulders were already sore and he longed to stretch out, but between the body of his father and Mistmouse, he couldn’t. He was stuck in the cramped, stuffy dark, trying very hard not to think about how heavy the world above him was. Just keep digging and stop thinking about it! This was his father's pride. It was important, it wasn’t supposed to be fun. What kind of warrior cared more about what they wanted than what was needed? After a while of shoving his negative thoughts down, he almost started to feel a rhythm for it as his father showed him how to press the earth to the side so it didn’t get in their way. He could space out enough and just focus on the pattern rather than the nervousness fluttering in his belly like a trapped bird. Woollycloud was close behind them focusing on smoothing and pressing down the soil in their wake. Tallpaw couldn’t help but catch a sense of apprehension in him.

“Rabbits used to use these tunnels,” the big tom said to himself. “But all the scent around here is stale. It’s strange, since there should be a warren so close.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Sandstone replied. “They’ll come around again, and this will be an advantageous hunting spot as well.”

“Sandstone,” Woollycloud had a hint of worry in his voice, and Tallpaw froze automatically. “The soil here doesn’t smell like clay anymore. I don’t think we should dig further just yet. Maybe we should change direction.”

“We’re close, Woollycloud, it will be fine.” Sandstone panted. He seemed so eager, so sure, but Tallpaw heard Woollycloud’s tail flicking. Mistmouse had slowed down too.

 Tallpaw was caught up in his father's stride and didn’t quite notice when Mistmouse said, “Hold on, do you smell that? It smells like water. The soil is much wetter here. Have we reached the marshy ground already?”

Tallpaw finally froze in place when his claws squelched loudly as they contacted mud. Something shifted above his head.

“Oh StarClan,” he heard Woollycloud whisper, and in a moment Tallpaw could have sworn his heart stopped beating.

“Don’t start panicking,” Sandstone hissed to him, “Let’s just step back and--”

The earth under Tallpaw’s paw buckled inward, sucking his pads into the ground. The solid seeming roof above his head bowed downward ever so slightly, more ooze than solid. He couldn’t see it, but he felt it. He could have sworn he heard a creak in the earth, a sound that sent a jolt down Tallpaw’s spine. Were there rocks above his head waiting to come loose? Nightmares from his kithood swirled in his vision, the earth cracking, an unnatural rattle of death surrounding him on all sides, promising to sink him into the rotting, choking earth, crushing the air from his lungs and the bones in his body. It all flashed through in an instant, he couldn’t move, he forgot how to breathe, he was frozen, staring at where he could picture the roof of the tunnel bowing down another hair's breadth. 

“Tallpaw, we need to--” 

There was a warning in his father's voice, Woollycloud said something but Tallpaw’s heart had started hammering so loud it echoed in his ears. A tiny clod of dirt fell from the roof and bounced off his muzzle. That was all it took for every bit of tension in his body to break all at once. The panic he’d held back and stuffed down burst forward like a violent flood, and Tallpaw wheeled around with a screech. Whatever was in front of him was knocked to the side, and just behind him the earth growled and the roof started to sink in. Tallpaw heard a screech of fear and pain and he wasn’t sure if it was coming from him or not, he was only able to run, and run he did. 

He couldn’t see and he couldn’t focus on his senses. He tried to remember the way they had come in, but they had twisted and turned so much there was no way to keep it straight and his mind was too shot through with panic to bother trying.

“Wait Tallpaw!” That might have been Woollycloud, or it might have been his father, he couldn’t tell in the echo of the tunnel. “We must stay together! Keep to the right!” they yowled.

Tallpaw screeched as he smashed headlong into a hard wall. Pain flashed through his muzzle, but he barely registered it for more than a second before he was running again. faster faster faster his mind chanted in increasing dread I’m going to be trapped, i’m going to be lost, i’ll be crushed, help, help, please someone help! Where's the light? Where where where-- His own thoughts hardly felt like words anymore as they dissolved into frightened babbling and yowling for a way out of this nightmare. He thought he’d reached a dead end and wheeled around with a ragged wail of fear and helplessness, starting again in another direction, but he was turned around now and he didn’t know if he was running back the way he’d come. He smashed into something he thought was a wall, but it yowled back at him and yanked him another direction with a rough bite to his scruff. 

“That way, you mouse-brain! Keep your head on and go straight!”

Tallpaw was in no position to fight against it and let himself be herded onward by whoever was just at his pawsteps, shoving him left and right, and grabbing his tail hard when he tried to turn the wrong way, until, to the greatest relief Tallpaw had ever felt in his life, light started to enter his vision. It grew until Tallpaw dove out of the hole they had come in through, tumbled over his paws and landed with a thump on his belly, gasping for breath. Plumclaw was standing over him glowering, her ruffled gray fur bristling. “What in StarClan’s name was all that!? Where did you think you were going?”

Tallpaw couldn’t answer. He was panting and shaking too hard. Suddenly all of them were surrounding him, saying things at him, it all just sounded like noise. Tallpaw’s body was telling him to run, and it was a struggle not to give into it. The thing that finally broke through the noise was his father.

“Tallpaw!” Sandstone yowled, and Tallpaw jumped as he realized he’d been yowling for a while now.

“W-What?” Tallpaw wheezed.

“What have I told you over and over? You don’t ever ever panic like that when you're underground! You nearly got Mistmouse seriously hurt and you ignored every order! You’re lucky Plumclaw found you before you ended up completely lost, I told you to stay with me no matter what!”

“M-Mistmouse?” Tallpaw stuttered in a daze. His gaze blearily settled on the small dusty gray tabby. There was a gash just behind her front leg and Plumclaw was beside her trying to lick the dirt from the cut.

“You piled into her and knocked her into the wall when you ran! Don’t you know how dangerous that is? Why didn’t you trust me?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what happened--” his sentence choked off with a ragged gasping cough. His lungs were still not cooperating.

“Give him a moment,” he heard Woollycloud’s voice. “He’s had a fright”

“I’m alright,” Mistmouse offered, though there was a quiver in her voice as well. “It’s not so bad…”

“Don’t make light of the situation, Mistmouse!” Sandstone growled.

“I didn’t mean to,” Tallpaw tried, “I thought I was going to be crushed like--”

He almost said “like Leafshine”, but he caught himself.

“Of course you wouldn’t have been!” Sandstone snapped. “The collapse was only a couple tail lengths long. We could have stepped back and been alright, but we had to help Mistmouse up to get her out and then find you.”

“The important thing,” Woollycloud said, “Is that all of us are here and safe.”

Sandstone took a breath trying to rein in his anger, and gave Tallpaw a withering look. “Tallpaw, but what happened to you in there? Why didn’t you listen when I told you to stop?”

Tallpaw didn’t know what to say. Shame started to replace the panic squeezing at his chest, threatening to crush him the same way the earth had tried to. 

“I’m sorry” he whispered again, feeling his voice had abandoned him along with the rest of his strength. “I don’t know what came over me I was just--I was just so scared.” A flicker of frustration began to burn under the shame and lingering fear. The frustration must have come through if only for a moment as some small, very small, part of Tallpaw was crying out that it wasn’t fair for Sandstone to have expected this. “You were saying so much and I didn’t know how to keep it all straight! I can’t remember everything you say when I only had the morning!” He was surprised to hear it in his voice, as weak as it was. He’d never sounded even a little cross with his father before.

Sandstone glared at him for a long moment. Then he shook his head and fell silent. Tallpaw’s frustration was snuffed out as every long second that passed by sent that crushing shame clawing further up his throat. He expected his father to match his frustration with a bellowing anger, but instead after several agonizing heartbeats, what he finally said was “No...I blame myself.” 

Tallpaw was confused by the sudden change of tone and immediately regretted his little outburst after seeing the hurt on his father’s face. Sandstone had flipped from anger to dejection in a heartbeat.

 “W-what? No, it wasn’t your fault,” Tallpaw stuttered. He was the one that panicked, why would it be Sandstone’s fault?

“I delayed this too long.” Sandstone gritted his teeth. “I expected my kit to be such a natural, you should be more than ready by now, but I didn’t push hard enough against Heatherstar. I let you go on, thinking that you would get sick of moor running on your own and neglected the precious training time you had when you were younger. It’s my fault for not trying harder to prepare you.”

Tallpaw wished desperately Sandstone had just yelled at him, the bleakness in his father's eyes hurt more than anything. 

“No, no, it won’t--!” Tallpaw started, but his voice caught in his throat as the sentence choked before it came out. He almost said ‘it won’t happen next time, next time i’m sure i’ll do better.’ But he didn’t know how to continue. Next time? What next time? How could he bear going down there again?

 Woollycloud stepped forward. “We should go back to camp and let Mistmouse get looked at. We’ll also need to have a meeting between us. I don’t know if these tunnels are going to be able to do what we want them to do.” His voice sounded hard in a way Tallpaw wasn’t accustomed to hearing from the gentle tom. Tallpaw was afraid to look up at him.

Mistmouse walked with a bit of a limp that sent another wave of guilt crashing over the still shaky apprentice. His panic hadn’t just hurt him, but his clanmates as well. He wondered if Ryewhisker and her siblings would be angry with him for putting their mother in danger.

As they walked, Woollycloud leaned down and whispered to Tallpaw, who was trailing behind the group, “It’s alright. This was...a lot to ask of you for your first tunneling experience.”

I should have been able to do this though... He looked after Sandstone miserably. He couldn’t bear to see his father look at him with such disappointment. Tallpaw just wanted him to be happy. But he never would be, not if this is all he wanted his son to do.

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