#and benrey too ig. hes cool….

[punkrock-confetti]

Benrey and darnold doodles while fuckin around with colour pallets and brush settings

[look-at-the-water]

Huuh

I feel so empty rn I might just get rid of myself, how come nothing brings me joy anymore, I cant talk to anyone I know without feeling they despise me, so I just don't speak to anyone. I can't do anything all day, what used to make me happy doesn't make me feel anything anymore. I can't do art at all, I try to pick up a pen and do anything but itll be the same boring thing over and over again. I used to at least have cool ideas. I can't think of anything anymore, I still love hlvrai, a lot, but I can't produce anything that'll bring me the same joy out of it anymore. And even if I did I don't have anyone to share it with, so I'll probably just forget about it and leave it behind.

Something must be wrong with me cause everyone just stops talking to me all the time. I don't even know how to improve. Maybe it's because I'm always busy and can't do things with people, I guess that's fair, but I can't really control that with all the school work I get. I always end up exhausted for some reason and can't hang out with anyone.

Maybe I need to start approaching people myself, I always wait for others to do so, maybe if I wasnt such a pussy I could start a good convo and have people to hang out with again. But I'm not sure how that works so I just, feel like I always do it wrong and people think I'm weird, and I know it's not a good mindset but i don't know how to get out of it. I'm sure the people I look up to reaching won't mind it at all, but I feel like I was so left behind with my knowledge on stuff I won't get many things and mess up, I feel like I know too like for being 15, I don't want to annoy people by asking so many questions. And I don't think I'm funny either, I always end up mimicking whatever other people say to be funny, and sometimes they've gotten annoyed, but I can't really control that either. I tried to, and it kept happening anyway.

I wish I was born as a different person, I've always found hiding behind the facade of a different person comforting, maybe that's why I took benreys name and always think of myself more as if I was him than the real person I am (but still aware I'm my own different person, ofc), but recently the whole benrey thing feels as if Its been messed up for me, after the last person I talked to left, he was forzen, i was benrey, we had this whole connection i think, I felt like we were perfect for eachother, we both agreed on that. and now he's gone. I'm scared I will get as attached to a person again and it's gonna fuck me up. For like the 3rd time now. I feel like it's something stupid to be upset about. I don't want to be that's for sure

I really want friends that don't leave. Even if we don't talk all that much, I want friends I'd safely feel they won't leave me. I don't know if it's my fault or I just keep hanging around the wrong people, I don't want to whine about it. It feels pathetic, but here I am, ig. I would seriously end it all if it wasn't for that fact I was so terrified of death. I'm not even good at dying. Really funny tbh.

I hope someday I get up and make tons of cool art and get brave enough to try and be friends with all the people I look forward to meet and I can come up with cool concepts again and show everyone. Someday, I'll fix myself. Right now, i need to do my homework and be good at school, so I don't have time for that, I guess.

Sorry to anyone reading this shit I just. I am so tired.

[babyboyregressor]

Just an updated about me thing big and small version

ABOUT BIG ME

• I go by Benrey, but I'm also okay with nicknames like Benn, BenBen ect ect

•He/They/It pronouns plz and thank you

•I'm t4t n i like trans guys n enbies ig

•I like gaming, drawing, singing (not good at it but it's a huge vocal stim thing for me) and makeup

•Speaking of stims! I go nonverbal a lot so I vocal stim a lot. Especially singing songs. I whistle or sing random notes to try and convey my emotions when words are too hard. I almost always have my headphones on so I can listen to music and to block out noise to a certain degree. I mimick a lot as well. I have certain sounds I like to listen to as well. I have a half life soundboard on my phone because some of the noises are fun and help me calm down, especially the barney voice lines, he has been a huge comfort character for me since I was in middle school.

•Half life and hlvrai are some of my special interests, I absolutely love Barney Calhoun and Gordon Freeman!

•Some of my favorite video games aside from hl are minecraft, Left4Dead, Dead by Daylight, Cod, The Isle, Gang beasts, Resident Evil specifically biohazard and I haven't played village yet, Justice League, Mortal Combat, I have other games too but I cant think of them and I dont play them as much.

•I have a cat Gazlene, Gaz for short, but I live with 9 cats, 3 one month old kittens and 2 kittens who are a few weeks old and then the two moms and my cat and my brothers cat.

•I love the movie Luca, the jurassic park/world series, including camp cretaceous, and Tangled, The rapunzel story has been my favorite story since I was a literal baby.

•I love the smells of Lavender, Lemons, and Pine

• I love horror even though sometimes it can be a bit much for me, especially with loud noises and jumpscares, but some are cool! I really like the halloween movies, mostly the new one that came out in 2018 I think? Story was kinda off I think but its coolio

•I'm bad at makeup but I love putting makeup on people

•I chew on everything and I like to nibble people sometimes but usually I just bite my nails and fingers, although I got some chewlery so that's not happening as much anymore

•I live off energy drinks and sweets

•I have really bad anxiety when it comes to calls and facetime cause I never know when to talk and they often cause me to calm up and go nonverbal

•I'm learning asl!

•My favorite songs as of now are How can I tell him by jens lekman and Him by James Marriott

All about little me!

♡I'm usually 0-3

♡I has ALOT of pacis, I have maybe 15-20 adult ones and like 1000 babies ones i dun use no more

♡I has no cg cause my last one was bads

♡ I sings lots nd color pictures and loves luca lots an punzel

♡I like dinos my fav s a baryonyx!

♡I have a bunch of onesies and a bunch of short overalls and a skirt overall toos, s pink and looks like a cupckae!

♡I like kitties a lots but dogs are loud n scary sometimes

♡I like to be a cowboy somtimes toos cus cowboys are cool! Like rango

♡ i always follow da rules cause rules keep u safe

♡I like iced water and warm milk, and strawberry n chocky milk

♡I like games! I like res evil n minescaft

♡um I dont talk lots unless I'm 3 but usuawy s 2 or smoler

♡Wjen I'm 3 I usually am more excited and talkitives and I like to wear overalls and "big kid" outfits but I'm still baby, I real like to run around and play and info dump about stuff or listen to cgs voice and follow rules

♡when 2 I like to sit aroun n watch tv and hum or if I had a cg I like to follow them around eveywhere and hold onto them and whisper to them and sing them songs or crawl around and shove stuff in my mouth cause why nots and I almost always have my paci cupped to my shirt, I also love to follow the cats around at squeal n babble about them. I usually wear my onesies n maybe a big hoodie or smth and I almost ALWAYS have a stuffie I also clap a lot and LOVE to follow rules and do things for my cg (which again I dont have but if I did okay we theoretically talkin bros), even if its jus grabbing them smth or answering a question. I know a couple of small signs like dada milk juice I love you and how to spell baby for when I dont wnana talk but usually it's just messy signs mixed with stimming, babbles, squeals, and giggles

♡when I'm younger than that I usually like to sleep a lots and I never talk aside from either small short babbles or loud long babbles of nonsense, I always have a onesie or smth like that one I always have my binki/paci and I love love love to be carried, like plz hol me am smol. I usually just wanna snuggle and be held n fed tbh I know how to say milk and dada in sign that's it

Dats it! Next I'll post what makes me small or what my dream cg, nursery or paci would be like, oh or maybe showing all my onesies and pacis! I dunno eyt

[commiecryptid]

Since I am horrible with remembering names (blame my pea brain) I have decided to document what I call my friends other than their names and what I think of them (featuring @eldritch-sys because fuck you i adore them/p)

Tricky- literally I just call them clown sometimes, they allow it so

Auditor- Old man, not giving any more context <3

Benrey- Gremlin, also mf who needs to be put on a child leash; ps, stop trying to arrest me it’ll never happen you won’t catch me alive

Hepass/Unus- Funny man, I enjoy

Hank- Cool boots dude, seriously that’s how we bonded when we first met lmao

Wilbur- Boyfriend’s brother and music man, lowkey kind of intimidates me but that’s because I am the equivalent of a small dog that shakes whenever it’s too cold

Gordon- Banana eel. That is all.

P03- Robot guy, we only met very briefly but robot guy

Bulbasaur- Ngl I think he’s kind of scared of me and I’m sorry dude I swear I’m chill </3

Bolf (sorry if I spelled your name wrong spelling is not my strong suit)- Very fluffy, and enjoys the dogs of the class; sorry for calling you Tricky’s kid I got you mixed up with Bug

CB- You!! Are really nice!!!! What the fuck!!!!!! I don’t think that I have other names for you but still you’re super nice!!

Phil- Boyfriend’s dad, you seem chill ig; you still kind of intimidate me though but that’s because of tiny dog mentality

Jay- Boyfriend, Benrey keeps calling me gay because of you. No I will not talk about how excited I get whenever I get to talk to you because I think you’re starting to become a fp for me and that scares me

Ffen (I think? I dunno how to spell your name sorry)- Tiny cat dude, we’ve met once but you seem cool